Shutdown Fullcast - Mike Lombardi's Adult Goth Phase

Episode Date: May 7, 2025

Folks we're fighting the atheists with our heavenly dicks againLet's use that viral soda map to do conference realignmentPerils of the new GTARyan is mad about the Kentucky Derby for reasons you probably cannot predict but we hope you will appreciateWhere to go for lunch in AmericaTest driving our Mike Lombardi voicesCritical support to the gotcha merchants at CBS Sunday MorningStaring uneasily at the normies cresting the horizon of the Belichick chronicleFullcast theme song arranged and performed by Nathan BerryCheck out Surber’s band, Killer Antz: https://linktr.ee/killerantzListen to Phantom Island, Ryan’s new show with Godfrey, which is not a college football show because a second simply cannot exist, at falconscottproductions.comCheck out Jason's free CFB Watch Grid newsletter and other work: https://www.jasonkirk.fyi/DID YOU KNOW: Holly and Spencer write a year-round newsletter, featuring football and also unfootball things, at https://channel-6.ghost.io/

last night the nuggets and the thunder were playing and I went to sleep because you fool uh yeah no you're the one who did it they're on so long y'all that I oh yeah yeah I had time to wake up turn it back on with two minutes left in the fourth quarter and watch that shit and then immediately fall back to sleep just set your alarm for the inevitable drama it's like that's a 17 point margin I will we'll wake up for the end of this one You'll see me at 1148. The Celtics got this one locked up, I'm sure of it. It's very funny that the Nuggets are doing this with a coach who coach three games in the regular season.

And like, if this works, other teams are going to be like, maybe it's not too, maybe game 75 isn't too late to throw the coach out and just give the intro of the job. You know, we're a three seed. I say we pull the trigger. Fuck it. Everyone hates this dude. Chewy, punch it. Let's roll. Let's go.

Yeah, like, if you're, if you're an NBA coach, you better be pleasant. Everybody better like you. It doesn't really matter what your record is. This could have been Ohio State and Ryan Day. It was so fucking close. They could have said, ah, it's chips team. Fuck it.

Imagine, like, week around one of the playoffs, Ohio State loses to Tennessee and Buckeyes fans are like, well, yeah, it was Chip's first game. Just wait till next year. At least we don't have that fuck-ass Ryan Day around anymore. He's never done the job before.

Yeah, he's brand new at this. I was watching last night, and they were like, wow, you know, he's been, you know, Nicola Yokic has been so much more vocal and more of a leader. And I'm like, that's because they don't have a coach. I mean, that guy's there. They got a dude.

They like the dude. The post-game locker room, they clearly like the dude. Maybe, like, was Mike Michael, Mr. Mikey, like, his whole thing was he told Yokic he couldn't talk, maybe. He was like, listen, big man, you shut up, now he's gone. He's probably like, there's never going to be horse talk in this locker room. Never. Pouting Yokic. You must fire him.

I think horses are dumb, but I think cars are great. Hey, sorry, I'm late. I was fighting with a blue sky atheist, and then I realized I didn't have a shirt on. Those things tend to go hand in hand. Sharpless biting. I have fixed one of those things. Man, our buddy Norm's taking it in the chops. Oh, he's doing the work of the gospel.

All I did was ask this one lady with doctor in her bio what she was a doctor of. Was she one of Norm's persecutors? Yes. I just wanted to know what, because her name is, it's not like her bio, like her display name has doctor. in it which always i don't know that always carries an air of defensiveness to me so i was just like

what are you a doctor of but she won't answer me doctor of atheism dr j is the only one who i don't feel it's defensive from yeah dr pepper right that's not a person right i don't know if you remember of course it is don't say it in front of server don't say dr pepper's not real buddy i got three states on the map that will kill you still real to me damn it They'll fucking kill you for saying He's not real Dr. Pepper visits me every night What do you mean he?

Wait, why is Dr. Pepper a man? Why got to be a dude, huh? Oh my God. That was the riddle. She's proof I don't have a PhD. Doctor of what, by the way, is one of the funniest answers. You can give to anybody. Not only did she not answer me.

She answered Ace Ambender when he repeated my question because he's a man, which wouldn't be funny if the rest of her bio didn't say patriarchy destroyer. That's right. All this, because Norm spread a little bit of the gospel on blue sky. Folks, if you're not on blue sky, you got to check in. The atheists there are just phenomenal. Anytime anyone does any sort of a youth pastor joke, can I tell you about someone else who,

you know the standard joke. Everyone's been doing online for a long time. Whenever anyone does it on there, a thousand atheists appear to take it literally. I think it's a great containment for them. I don't really want the general population encountering any of these people and I'm great having fun with them. They bring me much joy and contentment.

This lady refuses to block me, I guess, because Ms. Andrew so I'm just going to keep asking her questions. Yeah, I got a Ph.D., pretty heavenly destiny. That's a good word. I thought that's going to be a dick show. That's a good one. You know, in heaven our bodies... Ryan, you look so impish right now.

Well, I know there was some part of Spencer's, like, mental muscle memory that was like pretty heavy dick that was that needed to say dick but he fought through that urge and didn't i'm amazing how well you read that ryan because i did i wanted to do a pretty heavy dick joke nature and nurture battle themselves out on his face in real time that's right you know they say in the kingdom our bodies will be perfected and we will all have pretty huge dicks so that's what the table of plenty means yeah i'm telling you something Or consistent with conservative Christianity, we'll all get up there and they'll just be peanuts. Just be like, no, that's the way they're supposed to be.

Women are supposed to be unhappy. There you go. Well, except mine will be big, but everyone else is a tiny. I'm convinced this is a bot now because she says that asking doctor of what is proof that we don't have a PhD. Tell her you got a pretty heavenly destiny. I mean, there's, there are easier ways to prove. I'm going to tell her I got a pretty hefty dick. There are much easier ways to prove I don't have a Ph.D.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, kind of irritated that she hasn't blocked me yet. Sisterhood. You know what she needs? Jesus. I swear everyone's trying to. Once again, I was going to answer a dick. Jesus is dick. Thank you. That's, that's, hey, listen, Amy Coney Barrett somewhere's nodding in recognition and not knowing why.

My rod and staff will comfort you. Ew! That's not okay. Wait, wait, wait. That's far from the horniest thing anyone said about Jesus. Right, right, right. Yeah, but in that metaphor, which one is the problem? Spencer was experiencing a mystic vision. I saw it happen.

Yeah, that's what I called it. Mystic vision was you, girl. Doctor. By girl. You called the doctor. This is how I know Spencer's been watching gemstones. I will take the left turn into wrong at every point. I'm going to be the

one of the I'm going to be the I'm going to I'm going to I'm the I'm I'm going to be the

I'm going to be. I'm going to You know, I'm going to Welcome to the shutdown fullcast. You are listening to the Internet's only college football podcast. I am Spencer Hall. I am joined as always by Jason Kirk, Ryan Nanny, Holly Anderson,

and on the ones and twos, Michael Cerber. I wanted to talk to you about Real America because we received some data indicating that there is America, America Plus, and then there is the real burning hot core of America. When you say data? Mm-hmm. What data we were talking about?

This would be specifically some data visualization regarding the most popular sodas in every state. Okay. And there's a few takeaways, okay? Is that maps are a lie? It comes to us from the renowned resource datapandas.com. Is it cite its data in any way? I don't think so, but it all seems fine to me.

I don't see sun drop anywhere on this map. Let's be clear. All maps are a lie. 100%. Correct. Number two. The combination of soda and the Mercator projection is incredibly problematic. Every time you see a map that's like every state's favorite Halloween candy and you're

like, man, Arizona's going crazy for bit oh honey. Like, yes, all maps are a lie. number two sometimes that doesn't matter well yeah you know i mean i yeah i'm saying i don't see a source here but also looking at it i'm like i'm i'm not spotting any any uh clear lies on this even if it's wrong the tennessee one bothers me even if it's wrong i don't care maps can be lies that's called fiction that's the beauty of world building well i was fine the the way that i went with it the way that i went along with it with tennessee being a co-cola state listed in here which is how people say that we pronounce Coca-Cola, we don't,

is that Georgia has won the water wars. Which should Tennessee be? If it's not sun drop, it at least needs to be Mountain Dew, but it's sun-drop. Yeah. It looks like Tennessee is sort of a vanguard between the Mountain Dew states and the Coca-Cola states. Right, right. Like I think that Tennessee has been, I think that as in the last war between the states, or perhaps it was several wars ago, if you're counting each of these maps as a different war,

Georgia's encroachment of Coca-Cola products has has held sway in a way that I don't think it does in real life. I mean, South Carolina is a Pepsi state. There's clearly some weird shit happening here. What state has the most rumbly tummy, would you say? Delaware? Well, no, no, no, not based on this map, just in your head. You think, like, oh, there's an upset tummy state.

Is it perhaps the one with the most collisions of flavor? could be. Because I mean, I do, Missouri is where my eye goes. They're one of the rare Dr. Pepper states on this map. They're surrounded, but they touch Pepsi, Mountain Dew, and Coca-Cola. See, I think Missouri is actually a ginger ale state. Missouri is the show me the way to the bathroom state. I'm going to, I'm going to agree that because it touches a Coca-Cola Pepsi and Mountain Dew state, Missouri is by default, either a suicide state or a fountain ginger ale. And by fountain ginger ale, I mean, whatever concoction the bartender says is ginger ale right like give me a ginger ale bartender and they press four buttons on the on the mixer and they're like there you go give me a freaking drink not the medicinal ginger ale yeah give me a cup with drink

in it i think i think also that missouri just feels like kind of a food poisoning temperature place it's always kind of 59 degrees it's not hot enough to have fridges yeah not hot enough for me to like sterilize and cook an egg on the pavement but Not cold enough to be a cave. Can I eat it? Yeah. A Missouri cave, no less. Missouri caves are just like,

don't put chicken salad here. That means it's been exactly 55 degrees for a long time. The don't put chicken salad here states. Yeah, Missouri just feels like that. Leukwarm in every way as a state. I like the consistent band of Mountain Dew across the country. It's, you know, from Oregon to Pennsylvania. That's the Freedom Trail.

Out of nowhere, Vermont, weighing in. that's just to be different. Doing the do and the do in the middle of the way. I feel like doing something different just for the sake of being like, yeah, we're different. It's more of a New Hampshire thing. Oh.

Yeah, Vermont, I think they're like vibing on the like potential organic or hippie vibes of Mountain Dew, right? It looks like, oh, I look mountains and it's like plants. Right. Yeah. It looks like plants.

That's our thing. Are we going to talk about Delaware? Sure. So Delaware. I see this in an air of mild concern. Delaware on this map is the only state that is not Pepsi, Coke, Mountain Dew, or Dr. P.

It is orange crush all by itself. Which is not the orange soda I would have guessed. You would have said a fanta? I would have either Fanta or SunKist. You're going, yeah. Huh. Does SunKist have a northern purview? I thought it was a southern thing.

SunKist, where are you from? Or a California thing. Let's see here. Time to learn. SunKist lore. From New Mexico. Huh. Okay.

Huh. There's plenty of son there. I'll grant them that. That's quite a journey from New Mexico to... Okay, wait, but New Mexico, but it's in Delaware. This is money laundering on the part of the harsh rush. I have long had a theory that Delaware isn't real. The only Delawarean I think I've ever encountered is Cuppie Cup,

who is very good at Photoshop and also a dungeon master. Wait, Cup to Aggie? Yes, so Cuppie Cup is a person who is good at intrigue and deception and so forth, usually for methods of entertainment. So when I hear Delaware, I'm like, but do you really mean that? Is that true? Is that real?

Orange Crush is a tax shelter. Now, it has been raised that perhaps this is the map misinterpreting data because the Orange Crush is the official state cocktail of Delaware. It contains vodka, triple sec, orange juice, and lemon lime soda. That's just a, that's just, when you want a Long Island iced tea, but you're too much of a pussy to ask for one. I think it sounds delicious. I could go for a handful right now.

Yeah. That may be it. I do think there's some obvious logic to this map. For instance, the only states that are Dr. Pepper states, for those not looking at it in podcast form, of course, are Oklahoma. Those who are not joining the webinar. Yes. Those who are not here. Those of you don't hang out at datapandas.org.

Why aren't you? for data horse yeah they're over on data pandas.net data dot horse hang on but the only three states that have dr pepper are missouri oklahoma and arkansas they do as a group entertain the notion in my mind that perhaps this is the health care for healthy like three of these states that they're like this is medicinal and we mean it literally forget hell yeah say hey if a dr pepper ain't fixing it, I ain't going to, I ain't going to Little Rock. Out, fluoride in water, in Dr. Pepper in your pipes. It's got, it says doctor, it's medicated.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Does the, okay, does the absence of, like by itself, you know, Coca-Cola holding sway in Tennessee might not be enough to alarm me. Texas having Coke on this map and not Dr. Pepper makes me, I mean, I guess I'm always, as a Georgian, just a little bit afraid of the power that the Coca-Cola corporation holds. I don't know. Seeing Texas with that Big Coke logo gives me a real, just ominous foreboding sense.

I think, yeah, this is one where the winner-take-all format is probably a bit deceptive because the Dr. Pete presence in Texas is surely vast. You think it's all the people moving in from other states and diluting the local culture? I don't know. I mean, that feels like Pepsi. Pepsi feels like the gentrifier soda. The colonizer, Pepsi. So I interpret this.

Here's my interpretation. I'm sorry, I was thinking about the Kendall Jenner ad. Go ahead. I think all the Coke states are actually McDonald's states. These are just how many people are eating meals at McDonald's? I think the Pepsi states, and maybe the Mountain Dew States as well, these are all Taco Bells states. I'm so glad you brought this up, Ryan, because ever since I saw my poor Carolinas represented by Pepsi, my main reason that I think it's this and like why cheer wine is not popping up for north carolina is that every restaurant like

small mom and pop in north carolina almost is like required to require Pepsi or to carry Pepsi they get a much better deal than Coca Cola coCola charges more for you to put it in your restaurant so like every burger joint that you walk into that's not a chain place in north carolina they have Pepsi products it's a Pepsi the main reason they have Pepsi products though is so they can carry cheer wine. People don't buy cheer wine by the 12-pack or the 2-liter. They buy it with the good ice.

And you can't carry Coca-Cola and get cheer wine. It's just not possible in North Carolina. I agree. I think that's got a lot to do with it. All the other mom and pops are Coke and these other states. But it's just Pepsi in North Carolina, South Carolina.

This is clearly North Carolina, again, zagging where everybody else is zigging, right? Regionally speaking. Like, North Carolina just does that. right like states around them are like yeah we're flat hot and shitty north carolina's like we got hills and we're hot and shitty and uh you know north carolina's like like basketball's awesome and every other state around it's like we like more violence uh that's just yeah north carolina when it comes to barbecue all again we got 37 kinds and we cannot agree

ever to and they all have some see at them like yeah like if you say what's the best The barbecue state, everyone names their own, and then North Carolina dissolves, just immediately descents and crumbles and yells at each other. I will defend the violence bit. We're just like, no, we're going to use our cars for that instead. I cannot defeat that defense. Also, every surrounding state has since come around. Like, you know, basketball ain't that bad. We can throw money at it and yell at each other about it.

I also think some of the Mountain Dew states might actually be. I panicked because what I really drink is a lot of liquor. Dude, again, I agree. I also think those are secretly white monster states. Like, if you just, these are all white monsters. But nobody was sure if monster was a soda or not. Do you want to see who's, you want to see who's really raging?

I know this. Every single one of these states that's listed as a Mountain Dew State, and Ryan's theory, this backs it up. Every single one of these states is a fucking rager. Every single one of them. Everyone who is an alcoholic in these states is a better alcoholic than you. Do you know the point I'm about to raise here?

Utah is a Mountain Dew State. So on every map of any kind, Utah is an outlier. On this state, it is just one more green sea and a sea of beautiful, beautiful, all-natural antifreeze spreading across America. Just one more Mountain Dew State. I'm going to back that up by saying this, that Utah should be there because the people who do drink in Utah are pulling for four. They've got a lot to make up for it. If you've been out in Salt Lake City,

I'm not saying it has Wisconsin vibes, but mind yourself, you'll get sideswiped a little faster than you think. It's kind of like the tutorial level for Wisconsin. Even Utah has a little Wisconsin in it. Here's how you're going to learn the controls to get through. Grand Theft Auto, Wisconsin. Oh, I thought you're going Grand Theft Auto Salt Lake City.

Now I want them both. I just imagine the radio in Grand Theft Auto, Wisconsin is just butt rock, butt rock, butt rock, butt rock. Jason, big congrats to you that the lead character in GTA6 is a man named Jason Duvall. Really? Awesome. I hadn't heard the last name. That's amazing. You have been made into Florida, man, for the video game.

I am exactly as physically fit as that character. He's not quite as ripped as you are, but it's close. Yeah, you have that right. Technology could only accomplish so much. We could spend money on Stephen Root or abs. He said, Stephen Root. Turn up the Stephen Root slider. I love that they got Dana Snyder.

They got the voice of Master Shake. He said, hello. Hey, have a drink on me. I was like, yes. I like this trailer, it's just like all about like story and stuff. Like, hey, hey, look, nerds, we're going to make you play through a love story. And everyone's, you know, like somebody in the replies are like, why aren't you showing speedboats blowing up?

Why are you making, let me look at human emotion and love is the speedboat. I want to get on the jets to keep by myself. There's so many cooties. I need to blow up a speedboat. I want to date a woman, then bomb her apartment for profit. Yeah. What does my wifu get to hold a gun? I'm the one who holds gun.

I do hope that there's, I've posted this, but I really do hope that there is maintain relationships, right? They're like, is she mad at you? Check yes or yes. Well, you know the way to solve that is like, go rob someone together. That's it. And I think you should not be able to ignore. I don't think you should be able to get rid of the relationship.

I think if you fuck up, it should just become incredibly toxic, incredibly destructive. The whole mission, bickering, lying about where you're going. Yeah. Gaslighting. You made a bad choice three missions ago, and now you're trapped in this relationship. So now we've got to do like seven more checkpoints on this mission because we were distracted by yelling. The Russians are attacking Florida somehow.

Important information for this mission was actually had over dinner the night before. Maybe if you listened, you would know which gas station were blowing up. Yeah. At 2 p.m. you're going to need to be at the toll booth out by the Glades. Got it. Got it. I'm not listening, honey. I'm playing Grand Theft Auto in Grand Theft Auto. I'll be there

I'll pick up the kids I swear Your children are blowing up The wrong gas station The star You should be able to play as either one And the star ranking should apply to both right And if you get five stars Oh yeah

I really fucked up I'm super in trouble Sorry Sorry I got you attacked my helicopter Jason Duval Fucking moron husband got an helicopter sent after me. There I was busy modeling, which I do.

That's my job. And then a helicopter shows up. The Jags were on. What do you want me to do? What did my fucking idiot husband, Mr. Duval, do this time? So, Jags were down 10-9 in the fourth quarter. I couldn't leave.

So I let off a flamethrower. No, they didn't win. You know they didn't win. The little objective noise. Bong. It's like, pay attention to the Jags game. And listen to intricate instructions about lunch. Choose one.

about lunch with your aunt and uncle tomorrow. Roll to pay attention to both. Fail. Fail. Command, re-roll. Fail again. Fail harder.

You are not paying attention to neither. You need a little jags meter like in the Sims, but filling it up is bad and letting it empty is bad. Like all options are bad. You fill it up too much, then you're broke from gambling on the jags. It goes empty. You are lonely. you can either be lonely or need to watch the Jags

You filled your jacks meter And now your oven's on fire Urban Meyer is grinding on your wife It's on the look for Because your wife is so lonely Because you didn't go to the right gas station Choose whether to let Urban Meyer grind on your wife or not

I guess so I don't know This game's taking me places I didn't expect She has left you for Urban Meyer. You died of depression. Jagst. That's amazing. See, this is so much better than missions. Yeah.

I've done enough missions. I love it. To take a slightly back to the soda thing, I did reach out to Felder because, like you, Jason, I don't know anyone from Delaware. But Felder's mom claims she's from Delaware. Delaware. And he talked about that and having vacation in Rojoboth Beach, allegedly. So I asked him if Orange Crush was huge in Delaware, particularly the soda. And especially with his mom and his family up there. And he said, yes, and orange Kool-Aid, too. He said, Kool-Aid and Crush slapped in Delaware. So they just like all orange drinks? Yeah. I think they just love orange drink. The blood of gritty.

Philadelphia's Beach Delaware Gritty runoff So Ryan you have proposed this map functioning as How we determine who's in which conference I think it would be a sensible way I mean the Big Ten is Ferry Mountain Duke Pennsylvania to Oregon

Yeah random outpost in the northeast There's a couple of Big Ten states that we would lose in the process But I think that's fine I propose I think that this Missouri, Oklahoma, Arkansas triad of states as its own conference. Are you about to make a mimel? No, I think that's high quality. I think that would bang.

If you, like, and all of those teams, kind of like the leftovers of the Big 12. We got Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Tulsa. We've got Missouri State, is, is a Missouri State the one that's moving up soon? If not now, I think. Delaware and Missouri State, I remember seeing in the list of new teams on the college football video. Just in time. We have Arkansas and Arkansas State. That's seven.

I think we need, like, is there one more team that I'm forgetting from? Can we shake out one of the, can Memphis come over just for fun? Yeah, fucker. I mean, I think these lines can be a little bit valuable. Divert Mississippi River around Memphis and put it all on that side. That's what the pyramid's for. This is sort of the kind of thing. thing where you look at a historical map of like,

here is where this empire was. Flash forward 100 years and it's what the fuck is it doing way over there. This is the Big 12. It is just coagulated that way as its various teams have fled elsewhere. And then Pepsi, of course, is the ACC. You have Maryland, North Carolina, South Carolina. Every team in all of those states

is in the ACC. Connecticut, of course, should be. And then, you know, they just pick up random bullshit elsewhere. That's the ACC. Like, Maine? Is Maine a Pepsi school? They're a new balance school, so that's as Pepsi as it gets. Maine is a place of spectral horrors, so yes, they are a Pepsi school. Yep. Yep.

And then Coca-Cola, SEC, sure. Washington, you're in the SEC. Why not? Notre Dame moves to Delaware, where they can remain independent. Big orange. Orange, Notre Dame. The only color they have not worn, I think. Well, that's an Irish one, isn't it? I can't remember. which one that stands for. I'm sure. Oh, yeah, I'm sure if I knew the lore, I'd really be stepping at it right now.

Oh, boy. I don't care. Be careful. Oh, Florida of Scott. Yeah. Moving on. So I haven't been here in a couple weeks, and I want to apologize because I,

I'm not being a good guest right now, but I would like to lodge a complaint that is likely to rile horse Twitter? Horse Facebook Horse blue sky Horse Facebook is different So we decided that bothering with like

Hibernian sectarian divisions wasn't enough We're just going to dive into something more dangerous Horseslandiardians this morning And they're all on atheist blue sky My complaint is this And this is after the Kentucky Derby That we're recording this obviously I think some of these horses don't like their names, you guys.

I think there's no way these names are pleasing to some of these horses. You think the horse didn't want to be named journalism? No, I think journal... Listen, you are... If you're in the Kentucky Derby, you are one of the elite thoroughbreds in the world. You have spent your whole life building to this moment, the peak of your athletic field. you had no opportunity to weigh in on your name and I know horse racing has all its own bullshit about like who can have which name and this one is taken and this that and the other and I just want to put that to the side I looked back through recent Kentucky's Derby and and there are some names here that are just that don't befit the stature of the animal this is not like the horse at Girl Scout camp that everybody gets to take a turn on that's fine like there's my daughter goes to a camp where there's a horse

name Waffles and that's great Waffles is not a Kentucky Derby name journalism not a Kentucky Derby name two fills not a Kentucky Derby name but was the name of a Kentucky Derby horse keep me in mind not a Kentucky Derby name per my last email the horse

soup and sandwich soup and sandwich we had a Kentucky Derby where a horse stepped into the gates thinking this is it, this is the biggest day of my horse life and had to hear booming over the loudspeaker it's dumb name, soup and sandwich. Do we think horses think? I think horses know their names and hate them when they suck.

But horses like soup, they like when you put a bucket of food attached to their face. That's very soup-like. But they don't want that to be their name. I like soup. I don't want to be called soup. Why not? It's a bad name.

Hey, soupy. No, I don't like this. I ate this already. I'm throwing, I am throwing you off my back, and I'm breaking my own leg. A boy name. Yeah, right, like, horses have, I'm not, I'm not trying to be like an equine institutionalist here, but horses have avenues of recourse that involve biting, kicking, and bucking. But why do we push them that far in the first place?

Why can't we just give the horse? Because there are good horse names. Here are some good horse names. Okay, let's let's get that into the field clear first. Final Gambit. That's a great horse name. That's a horse that wants to go out. I didn't bet on that one because I don't believe they meant it in the X-Men sense.

I mean, Gambit at one point is a horseman of Apocalypse. Yep. That would be final. Oh, shit, you're right. Render judgment. That's a great horse name. That goes too goddamn hard. You put a render a horse name where the horses die a lot?

My concern is that shit goes too hard. It's a horse. All right, then you're not going to like this next one. How about you render me some oats? Cybernise. Perfect. Cyberknife. Now we're cooking.

And I think my favorite horse name possible, or at least like the best way you can formulate a horse name that doesn't go as hard as Cyberknife. Hot Rod Charlie. What a good fucking horse name. It's classy. How can we live in a world? How can we live in a world where hot rod Charlie and soup and sandwich are doing the same thing as horses?

It doesn't make any fucking sense. I hate it. This is great. This is like, Ryan, think about this as like, you know how there's two types of, of Texas prep quarterbacks. And one is like Anthony Williams and Vanderbilt the fifth. And the other one is bricks, like, jacksink with seven. The other one is hot rod Charlie. That's what I'm saying. They're both, they're both playing the same sport. But I think what I'm saying is I think that horse name is a spectrum and that Cyberknife and Hot Rod Charlie can both. Occupy points on this spectrum. Soup and sandwich is transferring to Wake Forest. Absolutely as soon as possible. And we'll be welcomed. More horses need names like puppy or kitten names. I did like the one that was Neo Echoes, which just means new horse.

New horse, yes. I love that. But there's no way these horses love all these names. No, like, but the horse would love this. Spencer, you're a large work animal who doesn't like your name. How do you feel? Oh, yeah, I'd rather have another name. Could we call you hot roll?

If we called you Hot Rod Charlie instead? I'd answer to it every time. Pork chop did not take. I am Cyberknife Hall. I got to tell you. I am pork chop Charlie. You have to be skinny to be even mock cyberpunk, and that's just not working. No one in the cyberpunk world.

It could be a crime boss. Okay, I will be a crime boss named Cyberknife. I am Spencer Hall, the Internet's first cyber cavalry general. Hey, I'm Cybernaip. This is my acquaintance and bodyguard. Yeah, yeah. Give me an Australian accent or something. You're the guy I go meet to get a mission from.

And you're like, yeah. This is my friend Neo Samarod. Oy. You heard something about me. I got mixed up with it and you say some word I never heard of. And then that's it. We're done. And I'm like, wow, that guy was so cool.

Journalism would have won if his name was Hot Rod Charlie. What about Hot Rod Journalism? That's a little better, but still kind of lame. But it's a magazine about Hot Rods. Just laid off everyone at Hot Rod Journalism. Onward. Speaking of people from Delaware, we don't like. Soup and sandwich stays, though.

Soup and sandwich keeps paying the bills, box media. No, they got rid of eater, too, didn't it? When we said move fast and break things, we didn't mean the horses. They got rid of every local edition of soup and sandwich. Disrupt. Now just Onward the horses National soup and sandwich

Now it's just two fills That's it Like where should I go for Where should I go for lunch in America What's a good spot to stop by Pepsi The answer is Pepsi Yeah the answer is the Pepsi cafe

I would actually love to see a horse Like get through to the finals And you've got all these like 17 character You got all these names that could never fit On a soccer jersey right Remember the hyphenated kids in ASO soccer Always had to have the tiny font and you get to

I would like to see a horse come up to the gate and it's just Phil. Yeah. Pickles. No, no, no, no, no. Just Phil. Brett, Brett. Gary. A strong, yeah, you need a strong,

if you're going to do a human name for a horse, I feel like it has to be one of those strong, silent type names, right? Mark. Yeah, Mark the horse. In Lane 7, Carl. Hey, this is Tyler. Coming down the rail!

It's! It's Carl! Earl is really good. You got to, listen, if you're going to do the horse race thing, you've got to kill it. You've got to be like, it's Carl, my nose. My favorite part is you got this horse, this horse named Carl. And atop the horse is a wee little Frenchman named Giuseppe Bonaventure, the 17th. This is Guillaume Guillaume Beret.

He is the 97-pound man with a 50. letter name is riding a horse name. Carl. Married to a six foot two woman. That is the classic jockey thing. Yep. And then a Will Ferrell knockoff is like, God, Carl's just the greatest horse I ever owned. I'm so proud of him.

I bought him yesterday. That's so awesome. How do you I do also like that the winner was sovereignty at first because I picked him. Awesome. It's like my fifth or six derby winner I've ever picked. Because it looked like a dick horse, right? It looked like an asshole. And you're just like, boy, that horse looks like a dick.

Also, he took a shit on the way into the gate. Yeah. And you're like, he's lighter. He's lighter. Yeah. Turbo boost. It's ready to dominate. Got to drop ballast chief.

Carl's going to fly. Chedison excess weight. Now. Do you think they should put, they should do, they should do, okay, while we're improving the Kentucky Derby in this way, we should also make the horses do weigh-ins where they face one another. Yeah. Like where they just go nose to nose on two little horse scales and they're like

And say taunts Yeah Dana White tells you which one's the racist horse Yeah That's why I like it Dana White would know Yeah That's why he's here

Detecting race particles I'm a horse whisperer but all I can tell is if the horse is racist or not I'm a horse shatter Robert Redford Just leaning up with a sensitive hand cuffing the ear this three-year-old stallion and it's like he's racist

he loves slurs Bridges of Chattison County he just told me a slur from Romanians I didn't know it was possible Just give him oats Give him oats and then he can't say the racist things We should try that with Spencer Spencer Hall racist horse

No I meant the oats part I did think I was like the minute we mentioned the minute that we talked about or mentioned the jockey's wives. I was like, who gives who the sugar cube in that relationship? Which one would be more disturbing? If you just walked up and one of them got a sugar cube in the mouth, and you're like, wait, what? Horses is the, riding a horse is the ultimate upies relationship. Upies, the dating apt for short kings and tall queens. Upies, Carl.

I love our college football podcast. Yeah, yeah. So I want to share it. Ryan, it was just like this while you were gone. Don't worry. I listened. What? Yeah.

Yeah, why? So I wanted to hear Victoria and Joel. That's okay. That makes more smart. I wanted to share a quote for you from... Walked right into that one, not unlike the horse. Have a sugar cube. There you go.

Did you... Oh, man. Ryan, I have terrible news for you personally that happened one. you were gone, which is that Spencer knows about the peanut M&M's thing, so we can't try it on him like we were going to the shit. No, you could try it anyway. It's still my work.

He got really upset when I just started asking about it. I thought I was going to try it on him, which to be clear, I absolutely was. I'd still want my peanut M&M. I know. It worked no matter what. Like, no, don't give me a peanut M&M.

No, I'll take it. It's fine. He also doesn't like it when you click at him. That's what we've learned. It works. I wanted to share with you a quote from a college football professional, a man employed at the highest levels of the sport. Mike Lombardi is...

This is from Joe Ovies, Blue Sky, friend of the program, Joe Ovies, North Carolina's finest. Mike Lombardi, the University of North Carolina's general manager, went on the ACC network and said what voice does Mike Lombardi get by the way

Oh man I'm not sure I've got one that's dumb enough Just go with a Bill Simmons voice Hold on Let me Let me paralyze half my vocal

I'm excited to see how this goes Look I know we wear Carolina I can't do it I can't do it Can't fucking do it I'm just gonna say You're doing the voice

I'm gonna get the email Nope That was like Mobsters Yeah, it just came out Knuckles, what do you think we should do down by the docks? Yeah.

Sorry? Just remind, just do old-timey gangster voice. I can imagine why we're all thinking about 1938 right now. Look, I know we wear Carolina blue and it looks like a soft color, but we're going to get tougher. Yeah.

Yeah. You know what I like about this before we get really into this is that I think on this show, when these hires were announced, we all immediately on this program clocked the fact that Lombardi and not Steve Belichick was going to be the problem here. I don't think any of us first saw it happening in this fashion, but we immediately knew who we needed to watch. I mean, I think we also had a player three entered the picture

in a way that we could not possibly predict a first see. Yeah, correct. But, but, yeah, we all identified that Lombardi would be, I think, the most symptomatic of Bill Belichick's flunky disease, his desire to hire people who simply did their jobs, i.e. what he said. And Mike Lombardi has two superpowers, by the way. One, he has Bill Belichick's ear, and two, he gets jobs. Do get jobs. Like, there's just people who get jobs. And Mike Lombardy's.

People love Mike Lombardy. evidently people love Mike Lombardi it's so true but yeah him just being like yeah I know we wear bitch colors but we're gonna we're gonna we're gonna be non-bitches here soon the thing is Mike Lombardi spent so much of his career

with the Cleveland Browns and while there are many things one could say about the Cleveland Browns over the decades one of them probably is not those uniforms look tough Boy, that's the kind of orange scares me. On the other hand, Mike Lombardi thinking that colors have strength properties

might explain a lot of the football teams that he has been in charge of. I would, by the way. They can't run through this line if we do the purple play. Yeah. I need you to color code all these and they need to all be the same color, tough color, red.

We're going to cover, the whole playbook's going to be pretty and black. Yeah. Black textile, background that's how tough we are. It's going to look fucking sick. Like my thoughts. Oh my God, is Michael Lombardi having an adult goth face?

Is that why we're having this problem? Good. Black and red like a pretty goth ballerina. That's what it's going to be. NC state colors, yeah. That's what we're going to do. That's what we're going to walk in. Oh, listen, that was to their immense credit.

I don't, I'm not involved a lot in tobacco war online happening. So I'm not really familiar with who's got shooters and who doesn't. there were immediately a good steady stream of NC State fans being like, yeah, they should do a tough color like red. Someone please suggest this to coach. Very helpful. These are Boston Bruins uniforms. We're wearing them all season. Fucking tough. The color of jaundice, yellow, which is a tough disease. Super tough. It's so tough it wants the biggest organ. It's piss and licorice, the two toughest things you can have. I like that guy. He's full of piss and licorice. Sounds like a confused toddler in the 1890s.

The body has two humors. That's right. Tarr and heel, and he better learn him. I want to take this heel, put it straight up his butt. That's right. Are you a jump man or are you a jump mant? Of all of the things who accuse me of calling,

listen, first of all, respect to the Cleveland Browns for showing up and not dying. If I were a Cleveland Brown, I would die every day. They continue to do their job somehow. So, shout out to most of them. Second. Yeah, okay.

Careful there, buddy. I know. Deshawn Watson's right there. We got to exclude him from giving credit. Second, the idea that you would look at any long list of people who would play for North Carolina in any sport, be like, yeah, this is a soft color. Julius Peppers is alive. Yeah. I just want to reemphasize this.

And capable of reaching you in like 20 seconds. You don't even have to go to the football team. You don't even have to go to the famously fighting people. Do you want to fight Tyler Hands, bro? I don't. Like, do you want to fight a roided up Beaker? I don't. Shit, man.

I'm not sure. There's some coaches there. I'm not sure I'd want to fight. I wonder if Lombardi, because he says it's a soft color, but we're going to get tougher. Does he believe that the tougher? the team becomes the darker the blue will itself. Yeah, the blue will deepen eventually to be like more of a

like a deep royal blue and perhaps they could further, you know, signify their toughness by adding a wolf to it. Sure, yeah. But like the depth of the blue itself monitors. Yeah. The toughness. He's going to come out in dark blue uniforms with built-in

truck nuts. That's what they're going to be. Like they're going to be the most. Like where the towels normally hang is just going to be like balls? Yeah, yeah. Okay. These are the trucking nuts. Bill's like, you know, we put an impact sensor in there. It tracks exactly how hard we're hitting just to make sure we're not soft.

Next question. I'll talk for 20 minutes about a hunter. Jordana's like, please don't mention the tar heel testicles in this interview. Tar heel testicles, she says it with the trademark. We're here to talk about Bill's burn book. Yeah. We're here to talk about Bill's book about how you should never be bitter and act on ego. Anyway, here's 20 pages about what a bitch Robert Kraft is.

Can I read you a quote from Bill Belichick's book? This one has been a lot. If you do it in his voice. I won't, but it has meant a lot to me. I have derived a lot from it. I read this in David Ubbin's review of Bill Belichick's book. Here's the quote. I will begin now.

Instinct negotiates between the dog's goals and the dog's actions. Unfortunately, we humans are not as instinctual as dogs. now let's just sit with that for a moment and think about what we can what we can learn from that wisdom is the dog I've got a follow-up question is the dog he is speaking of in us it's gronk

it sounds like no okay and he is lamenting that fact or lack of general lack of dog as a species yeah that would have been that would have been a shorter way to say that bill which is less words which I feel like you would appreciate so

looking into this his buyout goes down what June 1st very soon asterisk right there if he leaves his buyout if he leaves his buyout if they fire him never goes down whatever day they fire him

they pay out his contract whatever he is still owed at that point so he really should just send her up there with the headset to the like press conferences be like I'm taking questions for Bill today Anyway, I think everybody involved is doing a great job of pretending

like the plan all along was not for Bill to just step aside for materious unspecified health slash personal reasons on July 1st or whatever and hand the whole keys and the whole rig to Steve. I think we're all doing a great job at pretending that is not what they're trying to do. Great work.

Do you know how hard you have do you know how bad you have to be at this? Get fucking twisted up by CBS Sunday morning? That's, yes. It's not Like you walked into a den of serpents. What the hell? The iron-clad news program capable of catching hypocrites in their midst like no other. The human shredder notice CBS Sunday morning.

Jane Polly coming for that ass. That sun actually detaches from the wall and it's a buzzsaw. All the little spikes of the sun are teeth. Like I love CBS Sunday morning. But one of its main goals is to be like, let's find the man with the most peppermints. Ryan, the fact that you love CBS Sunday morning should be a signal to everyone. that it is not some kind of, like, pernicious, you know, muckraking out. Yeah, yeah.

It's just, like, get completely sideways. It'd have to be, like, a time to issue a statement about how we were treated by CBS Sunday. Man. Very unfair. Fuck. Getting quick. I don't know. I don't know anything about the journalism department at UNC.

I hope the suit newspaper is sharpening their knives and is ready to go to town on this tired old man. You got put in the camel clutch by Mo. Raqa and a softball energy. Finish him. He kept to ask me what my favorite Mayberry episodes were. I fucking panicked, man.

I shot him. Listen, they transitioned out of the segment to wilderness noises from Big Ben National Park for 30 seconds and I was thrown. George Don, quietly taking the gun. No, I shot him. I never here.

We shot him. Now it's going on. script. Lee Cowan over there putting you through the fifth degree under the hot lights.

And now I think Spencer you were the one who made this most clear to me. We now live a world where regular people

are thinking about UNC football. This is actually what I really want to talk about and it's really about when do you fuck at bail on a

story before the creep-ass Normy show up, okay? As opposed to creep-ass insiders like us. When do the creep-ass normie show up?

Ryan, you were here. This happened over the weekend. I found out about the CBS interview because my best friend's mom from college who is like, who I think follows figure skating. Yeah. And that's it. Yeah. It is like an Episcopalian florist, uh, figure skating aficion atticenano texted me and was like, what is going on with Bill Belich? You're like, oh, no.

I said, Sandy, what do you mean? And, like, I had to find out, that's when I knew that, anyway, this had broken so far, this got so far out of contained so fast because, again, CBS Sunday morning, if you don't want a story to break through to the normies, you don't have your meltdown in the Normie express lane. And this is different than Dion taking the Colorado job. Oh, yeah. I think that drew a lot of attention from people who, like, mostly pay attention to the NFL.

And we're like, Dionne Sanders, that's a name I know. I would like to know more. This is more like, oh, mess? Hi, I'm a mess lover. And I've heard that there's a mess in Chapel Hill. Please give it to me right now. Yum, yum, yum. Yeah, when page 6 sends their shock troops, it is time to retreat, evacuate the battlefield, and get the fuck out of there.

Especially. Are you talking about us or to the subjects of the story? I think it's us. I think it's us. It's us, right? like this is when this is when people like i already know more about one more about i don't every this is this is usually a joke everything i've learned about this man's relationship i have learned against my will everything yeah i don't want to know anything else the main thing for me is

i don't really care about the relationship itself i am mostly fascinated that bill bellichick is the person in it yeah jason i thought your newsletter framing was the correct way to approach this mentally, spiritually. Yeah, like, Mr. We're on to Cincinnati, who never in his life has ever wanted to talk about anything, but Long Snappers is Mr. Drama. Man, just like we drew it up. Yeah. Adding to that, it's worse whenever there's a story of that person, which is weird, involved

with like a 24-year-old lady. That's it, right? Because then you could get into, you know what John Mullaney talks about very, like, like daily news headlines, right? Like, tauts in distress, you know, baby's in a fire or any like rhyming British tabloid scheme. And you go like, oh, it got to those people. That's who it's at, right?

Yeah, well, we've hit the headless body in a topless bar Saturday. Yes, yes. We've hit the point where people won't even know why they're interested at this, right? Where Facebook groups that have nothing to do with sports or North Carolina are going to be talking about. If anybody had a family gathering recently, if you guys had to go over Easter and your relatives who know that you're in sports and have stopped their knowledge at that point are all coming up to you looking eager, this is a bad sign anytime this happens. I mean, yeah, there have been two crossovers like this. We've talked about both of them a bit, normal people coming up and saying, why Dion Sanders' kid not get drafted? And they say, why is Belichick And then they say any number of things

Because my gosh, the list of possible access points When you think about it, they're asking the same thing we are Why do I know this? Right? Yeah. Like explain why this is it's like putting It's like feeding a toddler in a high chair on one of those like rimmed trays And you put you know, you put a new vegetable in front of them

they're looking up and they're like, why is this here? Yeah. And in this case, the vegetable tastes bad and is bad for you. Don't love it. Anyway, they're going six and six. You think they're going to get to six? Sure. Sure.

I haven't looked at the schedule. I was just, yeah. I have no idea, and I also think it probably doesn't matter all that much. At all. At all. Because UNC is the kind of school that we have seen this is one of the big differences between Colorado and UNC

with Dion that like Colorado's never been good thing was like way overdone but it was like a deeply distressed property at the time like it had been in a fairly long bad stretch had not been competitive in the pack 12

like had been a revolving door for coaches corches corches oh man remember what happened to that lady But, like, UNC, we've seen UNC win eight and nine games a lot. Yeah, UNC in the past, almost 20 years, has had three truly bad seasons. Right. And, like, it hasn't always, and it hasn't, it hasn't been reliant upon, like, oh, boy, it was, it took Larry Fedora to unlock the, like, a lot of people can do this.

So that's kind of the weird part here is, unless UNC goes. 11 and 1 it's kind like even a good season will kind and I know that I understand that there will be an urge to sort of be like well it's a it's a Bill Belichick

8 and 4 and that's different that's tougher it's the Eddie Bauer version of the explorer this is the king this is the king this is the king cobra

yeah the King Ranch version of UNC's 8 and 4ness that's right it's going to be so fun listening to the discourse during week one of this because, like, there's going to be a lot of,

let's call them first time college football watchers tuning in to talk about, wow, this team just so much better coached. And, you know, like, you're going to see what you want to see. It's fine. It's just funny. Unlike, and unlike when the Swifties came in to Kansas City and they did their fucking homework. Yeah.

They got the, the, uh, the, the, the, why the fuck are we playing an H-back? What kind of, are, do we even do it in Soldiers? Fall on the goddamn ball. The version of that this past season was like, was like, hey listen his expected yield is diminishing te te you might want to dump him because this man is a falling knife everybody thinks we're joking right now the taylor swift reddit which i started to camp out in on football weekends was full of threads like this right right the new york post comment section is not going to do the same thing no no like you've reached to me like people who enjoy people who enjoy real-time myths that's what it is the people who enjoy this they enjoy this which is there's an old man And he's in a big house. And there's a mean young girl who's entranced him.

And if I click here on my iPhone, I can get eight jewels to advance to the next level. She's so mean. Wait, we should make this game. Yeah. I heard she owns property hoarding like a gnome. She's a witch. So you have a mix of like the NFL people are going to be wildly impressed by whatever UNC does this year. And you have all the commenters who are just.

went away in and like, this team looks like the coach knows a woman. Yeah. I don't like it. Why do they wear girl blue? Which Michael Mardi is smartly getting in front of. And then like, and then, you know, your familial acquaintances who are like, it's like she's some kind of. Familiar acquaintances. My God, dude.

Like worm, tongue, and yoga pants. That's who she is. Just behind him, right? There's going to be like all of the creepy incels who are like, this girl's doing stuff. I hate it. Yes. The real Bill Belichick is trapped in Gillette's studio. If we freed him,

Rohan would ride again. I will come back to you. We've lit the torches. At dawn. Look to the A.S. We've lit the torch on Chapel Hill. You're like, Mike Lombardi's not taking the cavalry anywhere.

He's riding straight off a fucking cliff. No, man. He's got big Theodred energy. This is going to be fun. went like, oh my God, UNC gave up 55 points to Wake Forest for no reason. And it's because of that lady. It's because it's UNC. Some boomer in the comments are like, this is the yokeo of UNC football.

More like the woke-ho. That's right. The woke-ho of UNC football. I know Bill Belichick's woke because how could you sleep worrying about all that shit? How could you sleep at all with the woman going nag, nag, nag, nag, nag. Am I right, fellas? The only comment in that pain is it gay to date a hot 24-year-old? Fellas, isn't gay to wear the color of the sky?

As if you are a sky god. I'm still going to keep laughing about David Roth being like. It's shocking only in the sense that Bill Belichick should be dating a 55-year-old woman from Massachusetts named Linda. Who hates him? Who hates him? Yeah, who hates him. Oh, fucking Bill. She's dating him for his boat

Like you mentioned his name She just goes outside and smokes Like And they never hang out Like they just never spend any time with each other I am excited for Some opposing college football team I'm looking at you UCF

For their social team To make something really not okay Really out of pocket I need you right now UCF bring in UCF creative directors Dial it down You just find the most out-of-pocket, fireball intern you have.

UCF, I have a package ready to go in my head for you. It is Esmeralda and Quasimodo from Disney's hunchback of Notre Dame, but the roles are reversed, okay? His head on the hot dancing girl's body, she's the gargoyle up in the bell tower. Heaven's light, hellfire, you with me? Call me. UCF explain. You can have this for free, UCF.

I don't know what UCF expects us to have a deep lore of Anna Nicole Smith in 2025. Jesus. Oh, hey, UNC plays UCF in week two. That's right. I was like, wait, is UNC in the big 12? UCF would be the prime candidate to take this a bit too far, and they're on the schedule. That's right. Early, early, right after that week one hype bump, no less.

Oh, man. Do you know who's absolutely in hell right now? and I will ask Serber for confirmation because I will not ask him myself because I care about him is Mike Felder. Because if there's one thing Mike Felder doesn't like, it's birds. If there's two things Mike Felder doesn't like,

it's people asking him about UNC football. Like whatever, what Serber is just kind of nodding grimly right now, whatever we are going through with our own familial acquaintances right now, spare a prayer for our boy who actually has a Carolina degree and has to hear

from people who know nothing about this. Yeah, it's not only that, too. He was talking to us about it on, I think, the episode of Hit Eid that's going to come out this week. Like, it's the dudes he played with, like, he's getting in fights about UNC football, which is not what Michael Felder wants to do, but he's been getting in fights about UNC football.

It's not great. Mike is, I was calling, gee, why call him Mike? Felder is the epitome of, you know, the joke about, like, the guy in a college who goes home, and he's like, I have to look at these things all day. Like, Felder doesn't want to talk to you about UNC football. He's like Nicola Jokic, basically. With the horses and everything, yeah.

But it remains so baffling because, like, the idea was like, okay, you hired Football Terminator. But I were like, damn, Terminator Horny's hell. Terminator old. Terminator horny. Take off your clothes, your boots. Your motorcycle? Terminator show up naked. Your powder blue jerseys, give them to me.

Show me your butt. Anyway, we had a couple of people. I'm detected, juicy hem. Talk about a rise of the machines. Oh, Ryan, we missed you so much. Come with me if you want to live. No. No.

No. No, I didn't like it either. It's in Muppets. Shut up. Shut up. I'm not pretending to be ashamed of this. I'm not ashamed. I did it.

I'm upset. Yeah. By the way, totally unrelated respect and shouts out to all of the age-appropriate Lothario out there in the college football coaching world. Do you know who you are? The whole go? Listen, you want to know who dates age appropriately and we never fucking hear about it? That guy.

Hold it down. Hold it down. Mind your business. A series of middle-aged divorcese. There are a number of college football coaches are like, the problem that I have is not that you're dating a 28-year-old. The problem is the sheriff says we can't hang out now. You're being so showy about it.

You're messing with the process. Be cool, man. It's not good for the team. Watch the way I do it. Don't watch. I mean, don't watch. Don't watch. Or do. It's 1130. I don't know where they do this. Wherever the ACC has their, like what's the ACC's version? one of those Destin meetings the SEC coaches

Oh, it's at the Greensboro. Not Media Day. No, Serber, where are they? They're at a country club. Not Media Days, the other one. Like the one that we don't usually go to. Oh, oh.

Oh, that's in Greensboro. I know that we're going to talk about, but that's Media Days. That's what it used to be media. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's media days in Green'sboro. Pallo Alto. It wouldn't surprise me if they were not like the Washington Duke in Durham or something like that.

Yeah, something like that. But like, you know, the one where there's less media, the one where there's more coaches than media. Yeah. Those meetings. Yeah. You know they've all got them in a corner like,

dude, you're ruining it. Listen, just again, respect to the bridges of Madison County dudes out there who are holding it down. Love it. Can you be more specific? No. By what you mean by that. Nope.

Please don't. Please don't do that. Your mom has needs. There's some coaches out there who recognize it. Okay. Let's do some podcast business, please. Podcast business. What's a business

Podcast business It's a business Podcast business Podcast business We're on the UCF Go and run your game And fire an intern for Doing something

Kind of out of pocket Or bill bill check Mom's got business With her business No We'll workshop Where to begin What's going on

At the Channel 6 Newsletter these days Ryan I'm glad you asked we are going to this week cover a bunch of epic tales of times that times when you got out over your skis athletically speaking times when you got your ass looked we're going to be rolling through those with a bunch of our lovely subscribers as well as our usual free off-season Friday newsletter which you can sign up for with your email address for free and that's so you can see what good work we do, and then you can subscribe for just $10 a month. The Holy Promise

two things a week for just $10 a month from the brilliant minds of myself and Holly Anderson. Overselling. Two very special things coming up, one within Channel 6 and one without. By the time you hear this, because I can see it right now, our final, we did blogs for GQ this week. It was really fun for the past few weeks to just go do blogs. We've been writing about righteousness. gemstones. Because this started during the NFL draft, we were asked to do a Jimstone's draft board, and they liked it and just kept asking us to keep doing them. So we've just been ranking the righteous gemstones. Every week, we have a piece up about the finale, which today is Tuesday. It just went up. It'll be up when you see this. The other announcement,

and this is one very special to us, is those of you who's been with us for a minute may remember Batman Friday, as something we did at Banner Society, where we were so, convinced correctly as it turns out that no one was paying attention to anything we were doing as that Ryan and I had a sideback going of how many weeks in a row we could go with writing a post every Friday on our college football website about Batman before someone who was in charge of us noticed or asked us what we were doing. Ryan, how many weeks did we go? 33. The limit does not exist. It never happened by the way. We got fired without ever anybody asking us what Batman Friday was or why we were doing it. I miss Batman Friday terribly. This is the collision of several

factors. Coming off the charity bowl and seeing what beautiful mad geniuses you guys are. Another open submissions period for Taco Bell Quarterly, the most brilliant literary journal in the world, Eat Shit, Paris Review. And just a general sense of, I want to do something to feel a lot. and to support journalists right now. And so we are reopening Batman Friday is the headline here. We are reopening it at Channel 6. Will it be every Friday? I don't know.

That's going to depend on the quality of the submissions. But we are reopening Batman Friday as a Channel 6 property. It will not be written by us. It will be written by people who would like to write about Batman, who would like to draw about Batman. I don't know, who would like to make little Claymation, movies about Batman, whatever. We're going to take some, there's going to be an announcement later for this with all the

details to where you can submit your stuff. We will pay you to write about Batman. And we're hoping to have enough to just run one every Friday for as long as we feel like it. Because when I think of things that I want to pay people to write about, the first thing is Batman. Jason, if the dog wants to submit something. I was going to, I met a cat named Batman. Batman over the weekend. Congratulations on your blessings.

Yeah. Congratulations to the cat, too. Yeah. Channel 6. Two things a week. Ryan, what about a horse name? Batman? Yeah.

A horse named Batman? Hold on. I can look this up. Y'all keep going. Man, a horse named Batman sounds like one of those beach read books with the little, like, scrawly font. Yeah, yeah, sounds very romantic. Yeah.

Okay, Batman. He was a horse name. His trainer was a horse named Batman. wait he was a horse named batman his trainer's name was alfred his heart was a cave i don't know exactly how this works but somebody has reserved batman as a permanent name like some names you can sort of like give up and they come and go but somebody's locked in batman as a horse you know who did it that was bruce wayne himself oh shit good bruce wayne is planning to run the kentucky derby yeah he could do it with enough prep time yeah there's a horse named batista but then there's a horse named baff

that sucks wait where can you look this up uh registry dot jockey club dot com of course yep any any horse name accessible to you a horse name john sacotta probably oh wow much better just when i thought i couldn't get more romantic than the there are rules against naming them after specific people right i guess fictional characters isn't covered there um john sacotta yeah i think That's right. You couldn't do like Glenn Close the horse. Not available. Somebody named a horse Jordan Game Six, which seems like pushing the limits of that pretty well.

Well, the horse got sick, but. Yeah, that's right. That's right. That's right. There's one just called John's Lady. That was Kevin Boyce. You can't tell me that wasn't Kevin Boyce, who, less we forget, is responsible for the greatest Kentucky Derby Horse. name, or race horse name, really, in human history, a huge dog.

There are not as many horses named horse as you might think. There are some. I'm going to run through them real quickly here. Horse a hollick, horse in the city, horse be with you, horse daddy, horse doctor, horse feathers, horse fly, the horse game, horse greedy, horse is my name, horse of the sea, horse people, horse players club, and horse shoe falls. This is my horse. horse is my name. Horses my name. All one word.

I'm adding this to my list of horse domain names. Horses my name. Again, channel six, two things for $10 a month. We encourage you to subscribe. Jason, what you got going? There's a new episode

of the Vacation Bible School podcast that Emily and I did with Pastor Trey Ferguson. If you've seen him online, you love him if you haven't. listen because you will. Yeah, we're in the middle of the book of kings. We're in the middle of the book of kings.

There's a lot of shit going on. Is there a weird penis scene? You better fucking believe it. There's a failed son king who takes the throne after King Solomon and his face with an angry mob. And what does he do about this? He immediately starts yelling about his dick and threatens to beat them with scorpions. It doesn't work.

It does not work for him. Brett Farve has always existed amongst the sons. There is nothing new under the sun. And there will always be some guy who ill-advisably wants to. to show you his dick. After this episode, of course, we are entering a very, very special portion of the Bible

in which we are going to talk about that time. A bunch of children got mauled by bears. And I have arranged a special guest for that episode, none other than Spencer Hall. So, folks, we will get to that when we get to it and be sure you're prepared. Be sure you're prepared by listening to this one. Loaded for me.

Yes. Thank you, Jason, for inviting me because, as Jason knows, that is the book that we always cited when asked to share a passage from the Bible in CCD. Can you share a passage that means a lot to you for the eighth week in a row? Hey, Baldow! I'm just still exploring the text. It's still revealing itself to me. Every time I twist the text, like a jewel, the light catches it differently, and I see a different angle. Spencer, do you think this was foundational to your Cayu District? guard? I think it didn't it didn't help for sure, yeah.

Not that Cayu himself was not responsible ultimately for the way he was perceived, but yeah, I got kicked out for sharing this too many times. I was kept out of CCD a week and then my parents forced me back and then I believe it was the seventh week

in a row when the teacher said would you like to share a passage this week because we had to do that I read the same passage then after that I had to go talk to the priest yeah well we're going to talk for an hour about it oh i'm ready i'm so ready those bears did nothing wrong you know there were girl bears too did you know that part they're what they were girl bears girl bears girl bears yeah so therefore even more so did nothing

wrong yeah that's girl dinner children uh ryan uh yeah hi i have a new thing that by the time people are listening to this should have the first episode out, it's a new show I'm doing with Stephen Godfrey called Phantom Island. Is Michael Server producing it? Your goddamn right, he is. Hell yes.

Okay, so bad news, good news. Godfrey, but server. That's right. Even more good news. On the very first episode, I made Godfrey talk about golf. And boy, does Godfrey not... Godfrey knows so little about golf

that during the episode, he asked me if Augusta National was a hard course. And he wasn't goofed. thing. Am I, you can take this out. Am I spoiling anything

if I tell people, Stephen Gaffrey has a connect. He could, yes. Oh, I forgot about that. With some minimal notice, not serious advance notice, get around at Augusta National.

That is not interested. That is correct. He could. And to the consternation of like 80% of the people I know. Anyone who learns this fact, who cares about golf at all, hates this about him.

I'm the only one who knows what it is and isn't mad about it. Like, I'm like, respect. That's awesome that you're like, nah, that'd be a waste of a time. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, on this first episode, Godfrey and I get to talk about whether or not

the Saudi-funded live golf league is a success or not. What is this show? It is basically inspired by Holly, who said that she liked a thing that Godfrey and I do when we just sort of like kick a question around and think about it, usually in writing. This is the first time hearing

of this, so thank you. But don't necessarily arrive at a conclusion. So we decided to turn that into a podcast, and you can find it. Wherever, you're listening to this podcast. Shutter Island. That's right. That's what it is. Purchase on iTunes, on Apple movies today.

This is so much better than Shutter Island. Michael, server, what a killer aunt's up to? Our show got canceled over the weekend because rain, it was bummer, but we got to rock too fucking hard. brought down the thunder yeah we we called the rain blame it on the rain right um it's that fire to the rain with these ants june 13th we're playing at the den in winston salem june 28th is a special date that i have something to say but not yet um yeah so just keep your just you know clear june 28th for now other than that that's pretty much it yeah listen to the new ryan stuff because if you don't

they're going to think it's my fault. That's true. We did put that in service deal. So in conclusion, subscribe to channel 6, listen to vacation Bible school. Oh, sorry, I have one more business thing that Spencer doesn't know about

I bet because he doesn't read his emails, but also because this email just came in today, this is an email we have received from listener Matt, who teaches social studies in Maryland and whose sophomore American history class today is reading a blog we wrote on Channel 6 called 19th century bank panics ranked that is being used as class for material today. Student feedback includes, this person curses a lot. And what's a drought daddy?

Well, that's what I'd expect from a Pepsi state. Tell you what. Anyway, thank you, Matt. We're sorry, students. And listen to Phantom Island, the new production from Stephen Godfrey and Ryan Nanny, and hope that God quits being jealous and lets the rain stop and let's killer ants play. Because evidently he hates competition. And that, that concludes podcast business.

That was fucked up. That was good.