Shutdown Fullcast - Mortification of the Fisch

Episode Date: March 11, 2021

Imagining the world’s first gig economy coal mine! See beautiful Hispaniola, by crate! Spencer operates the annual coaching carousel quiz and it turns out Wakeyleaks has leaked entirely out of our skulls  SOME SORT OF BUTCH JONES WORMHOLE OCCURS  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the Shutdown Podcast. Welcome to the Shutdown Fullcast. You are listening to the Internet's only college football podcast. If you wanted another one, Frankly, the Lord is determined that you don't deserve another one. That's why you only got us. I get it. We have to live with their judgment. Hey, Jason Kirk.

Hey, buddy. How you doing? I'm good. You know, you are, you're one of the most Georgian people I know. Gosh, thanks. I think. Is that a thanks? We'll go with thanks.

I'm going to take it. I'm going to put a thanks on it. I mean, you have a tattoo of a peach. it's true the best one I've ever seen and not a butt peach really no no no I think like I might be overconfident here but I think I somehow pulled off a peach tattoo that doesn't read his butt no one has ever said is that a butt emoji I think I somehow got away with it no you really did yeah yeah you actually achieved the perfect two it's impossible to it's almost impossible to do a peach that is 2D and yet you nailed it man it's also almost impossible to say that was really good graphically designed well for something that's also an emoji. But yeah, you did that. Thanks. But you've, not that I made it, but.

You know what? You drew that. I kind of just sat there. No, a dude drew it up. Like, I told him like, all right, I want like a vapor wave peach sunset. And he's like, all right, give me an hour. That's a. I like that that is immediately understood.

This is how you know you're. Can you give me a vapor wave pirate? That would be. oh that sounds dope as shit yeah that actually sounds i was trying to make something that sounded silly and i made something it's impossible to do vapor wave and not make it sound cool right i don't think there's such a thing as a non-dope vapor wave tattoo unless it's just poorly done listeners a challenge has been issued do your worst give me yeah send it to my account because i want to see it give me a vapor wave urban mire

and you're like i don't know man it looks pretty cool i didn't want it to but it's he is like a human pair of wayfarers But you also have achieved levels of Georgianess, i.e. you've fallen off of the back of an ATV. Correct? Maybe. I'm pretty sure that. That wouldn't surprise me. I'm going to say that happened to you.

Thank you. Yeah. No, I remember this one. You were going down into a creek and you, like, I think you flew off it. Or you were trying to jump a creek. Oh, that was a power wheel. Yeah. Oh, this.

which that might be that might be more florida than georgia i'm just going to go ahead and award hybrid points there anyway just because we had the entire discussion clarifying which particular four-wheeled form of transportation not requiring a license you were driving so maximum georgia points given to you um i wanted to ask there is an additional category here which is um i think contributes to a significant category of georgianness and i say this because when i was a youngster um knew a guy his name was harold harold was uh from georgia and you know what harold had harold had like uh three fingers there's another guy named red who hung out with harold harold had like four fingers both of them had worked in mills as children and had lost like uh

lost fingers to saws and i'm like wow damn that's from georgia you don't do you know anybody who just like goes around like missing a body part from an industrial accident like a farming accident I don't think I do from that specifically, no. Okay, well, you do now. Okay. So I'm giving you an opportunity to increase your Georgianness, all right? Because we're all about to meet a man named Nub. You go, oh, man, well, why would you be called?

Why would you be called Nub when you had a full name? That name, by the way, being Michael Nelson. He's the former director of the Veld. Nelson we're not making that you could call him that that's what he goes by because he's the former director of the val dosta touchdown club and man what an august title that is hashtag not my mike nelson um not really sure how mike nubb nelson's conversation with a former valdosta football coach was recorded and released to the internet um but nelson is verified that it is him because he has with uGA compliance about this it's michael nub nelson who's named nub because uh because why

do anybody want to take a take a guess why he's called nubb absolutely not because it's short for nubbikadnezzar damn that's a good guess that's a really really good guess uh no he's uh his nickname name name's nubb Because he only has one arm. Wait. I don't get it. Why? Yeah. What are those two things have to do with each other?

I don't know. People, I'll never understand the ways of Valdosta. Well, no, this sounds like he has a portion. I know. It sounds like he has one long arm and one short arm. That's a, the Valdosta Daily Times may not be known for its verbal accuracy. Here, it's, it might need some editing. But that's where I got this, that Nelson's nickname is Nubb because he only has one arm.

And there's a tape of Nub, we'll just call Nub, because we're all friends here. There's a tape of Nub talking with Rush Probst. Who again, Rush Probst, if you're familiar with Two a Days, two a days, he was the high school football coach on the show Two a Days. He is an Alabama high school coaching legend, and not for the best reasons, and for some good reasons, too. Multiple, multiple state championships. And also...

Other multiple things. Other multiple things. Like, maybe families while he was coaching. The original two a days. The original two. Two days and three a nights. Rush Probst is in a feud with Michael Dubb Nelson over some really sort of arcane pay-for-play stuff in Val Dosta, when Probst was a coach there after he was hired from a rival and it went sour.

Yeah, there's a lot here. Anyway, a tape of Probst and Nelson discussing recruiting in the SEC, particularly Georgia and Alabama, and what they do came out. And in it, details saying that, yeah, you know, UGA takes care of its players by paying 90 to 100 grand for them to sign. now i don't god inflation really is a myth in georgia listen i just i'm glad that my wages and the wages of uh service workers and teachers and whatnot are not the only things that have not kept pace with inflation in this great state

i briefly thought you said server's workers and i was like the server we're all server's workers server has a whole fleet of why are you talking about yourself in the third person I'm sorry He can hear us Get back to work I'm sorry boss I'm sorry we'll get Back to the pod

Back to the pod minds we go Don't you have a read to do soon Not a good one sir Sorry sir Sir South Carolina and he's Sir Big Burr? Oh, Jason, you're talking to a Clemson fan.

That's Clemson. I don't know if everybody knows this about server. Jason, we'll talk later about that one. Shit. Oh, we're going to make Jason into gruel. Get in the shame cabinet. Again. Probst

Admittedly has like as much credibility as, you know, a man who's had one of the wildest high school coaching careers you could possibly imagine. And that's on a scale of imagine the craziest high school football coach you could imagine. And that's where Rush Prophs is. So who knows? But 90 to 100 grand per recruit, just throwing it out there. The funniest part of this story to me is this, that one, yeah, this guy's name is Nubb just prefers that. And two, nubbed it and two that um miss you shut down full that uh that uh that in all of this

where where has this been reported where were the tapes turned in who is investigating this that's right uGA compliance don't worry they're on it they'll get to the bottom of this it'll be fine. 90,000. Mm-hmm. It's not exactly a lot. That's Starkville in 2009 money. For three to five years of labor?

Well, don't forget. You get the cash value of a UGA degree in there, too. Okay, sorry. So like $40,000 to $5,000. Yeah. Oh, wait, I went, I was trying to make the same joke and I went in the wrong direction. No, yours is better.

Yours is better because the UGA diploma halved the monetary value. That's what I was trying to get to, and it didn't work. Thank you for supporting me. No, we'll go with that. Okay. Well, remember, it's like golf. You want to get it lower, right? That's how UGA math works.

There's my Tennessee degree talking there. By the time you're done taking math classes at UGA, you can't count your 90,000 anyway. So who cares? It doesn't matter what the number is. You can't be done taking math classes if you don't ever start. that's a really good strategy i wish i'd take that uh yeah 90 to 100 grand that doesn't that doesn't seem like a lot i still think that like we're we're deeply undervalued here

when somebody goes why should we pay players and you go i don't know man market rate sucks right now might won't get that up i won't get that weight up just from a player's perspective i think we're too easily scandalized by dollar amounts here like if you tell me you jubes he's playing paying five stars a million dollars each i'm like cool yeah guess they're trying to win yeah remember i have no problem with any of this happening i'm sure 90 to 100 grand i was like oh they're getting away with low ball in here come on well hey are you telling me that's an errant snap spencer you know what a uh you know what a you know what a you know what a two things can happen And when you throw the football, three of them are bad.

That's why we keep it on the ground. So we hand it off. It's why we low ball it. I would also point this out from a good friend of the program, Josh Black, pointed out on Twitter that, hmm, even with all of this, they couldn't keep Justin Fields in UGA. Jesus Christ. They paid alleged, like, there's the allegation here that they paid Nick Chubbaugh of 180 grand to stay. And you're like,

damn it wasn't worth like that kind of money to stay at uGA for justin fields and it wasn't he's like bye it really i don't even want to hear the offer like i don't like if he'd stayed is is he a number two traffic if he stayed i wouldn't bet on it i wouldn't bet a hundred thousand on it how much do you think jake fromm made this year this past year with the buffalo bills 90,000 did he hold his spot the whole year I think he was on the roster the whole year yeah

350,000 I'll say 270 912,000 960 dollars so that would be more that would be roughly 10 Georgia recruits from what from what coach probst is saying

I would rather have 10 Georgia recruits than Jake Fromm. That means I could, you know what? That means I could go out and get 10 Jake Fromms. That's what I'm saying. You could go get 10 Jake Fromms, yes. Could you get, okay, let's think about this like we're shopping for supper, right? Would you want 10 Jake Fromms, like the whole bird?

Or would you want more bags of Jake Fromm parts? Like dehydrated Jake Fromm, maybe? Like, well, no, I mean like bags of drunk. Sticks right oh I see of Jake Fromm's let well that's not really a good What about what about what about legs could you do like cans of from stock that's such a better idea Back up a whole palette full of Fromm I didn't oh that's why they call it draft stock yeah, that's right because they're boiled and when they say stock's going up that means they have to put it on the top shelf The richest stock that's right

just this delicious jake from stock the the other thing in this that really uh the part that i actually found somewhat terrifying when i thought about it was when they were talking about alabama and the stuff in alabama there's actually kind of like old it's not doesn't sound like anything it doesn't sound like dude has any info doesn't sound like he's got anything that hasn't been known for like 30 to 40 years or like you know rush probes brilliant dude he's like Paul Bryant, Jr., you know, he's the big man there. Yeah, no kidding. It's the son of Bear Bryant.

And he's one of the wealthiest men in Alabama. Congratulations, sir. You know that JFK Jr. He was a pretty big deal. He nailed it. They wouldn't tell you that, but. That's championship Alabama trivia right there, Rush Probs. I hear that Ken Griffey Jr. can play a little baseball.

Now, how do you reckon that came to be, huh? but there's one thing where he goes yeah and the guys in the south and the Coopers they're the big family automobile and my blood ran cold because if you do not know the structure of kind of who's in charge of what at Alabama yeah Paul Bryant Jr.

Dude's a banker. Dude is very, very business-like sits on boards and things. Oh yeah. It prefers to sit you know, stays out of the spotlight like the anti-T boon. Does not make public commentary is not the guy who's ever

on camera same this is very canny moves from a dude who uh would not really yeah anyway this is a dude who is very aware that he really doesn't want to draw a side by side comparison to his daddy yeah exactly especially when you're like hey how'd you make your money dog tracks fight me paul you mean old bitch yeah dog tracks holly is going to fight paul brant junior oh i've hated his ass for years for what he did to uab the great threat to alab football that was uab listen are they gonna you think now that alab basketball's good they're gonna fuck around and try and tank uab basketball and you know who's gonna save uab basketball i do actually but you can tell it two chains yeah two chains is going to save uab basketball you know which by the way uab memphis

you have to explain why oh yeah because not funny yeah two chains uh uh had a scholarship offer he's a scholarship basketball player to uab um he didn't just have a scholarship offer he played yeah yeah yeah yeah um so if they try to take it they're gonna mess with two chains and from what i've seen two chains undefeated absolutely undefeated he's just going to get up there and absolutely destroy any efforts to eliminate the uab basketball program as long as big sean does a much less compelling speech right before him guys that's I have terrible news. Two chains did not go to UAB.

No. Is it just an offer? No, but he did play basketball. He did not play at UAB. He played at Alabama State. So close. Oh, okay. Oh, you know what?

I still think he'd probably ride for UAB. He might. He might. I just, before, you know, you know, since we take journalism super seriously here, I just want to make that clear. Well, let's put it like this.

When Paul Jr. goes after every program in Alabama. Two Chains would be part of the resistance. I will say this. Very disappointing free throw shooter, Two Chains. Very disappointing. Like a 40% career three-point shooter. Yeah, well, he's different.

That fucking sucks, dude. Yeah, that is different. You're right. 40 from three? No, free throw. Oh, that's pretty bad. Yeah. Listen, Tuchin's done do anything for free.

He's a businessman. man. Listen, he was so committed. He was so committed to move in the brick that he did it on the court, too. That's it. Have we talked about Tuchains as an HR guy on this show, or is that a story we can tell here? We'll get to it. Okay.

We'll get to it. Two Chains is an amazing manager of people, by the way, and an incredible entrepreneur. And I love him. Hello, Two Chains. If you ever listen to this, call me. We need to hang. I should tell you how cool you are. Oh, boy.

the but the other the other the family they mentioned the guy mentions they're like the coopers who run who run the harbor

and run the port and mobile and I was like oh god do you think it's ever a good idea to call someone out in any kind of

conspiracy even if it's like basically a legal one like college football recruiting when stevedores are involved uh huh you want to you want to top out it like oh he runs the he lives in the lighthouse

like that's fine that's kind of quaint but not you run the docks no you run the docks in mobile i'm like oh cool they can put me in a shipping container to hell they got a fucking battle ship i've never been to belize yeah i've never i you know honestly i've never been on uh i've never been to hispaniola in a crate that they put me in in mobile three weeks ago i mean that sounds pretty good when you put it like that yeah man we we we we we we've we've never us have traveled anywhere else i'm not allowed to go to the

Starbucks. Do you know how much money you could get if you could tell somebody, hey, man, we can get you on vacation. You will have to travel in a sealed crate with an oxygen tank. And you're going to end up wherever the ocean avenues decide to take you. We'll try and line you up right. Yeah, think of it as like a Jimmy Buffett thing. It's like wherever the sea is taking you today, friend. On this trip, you are the loot box, my friend.

that's do you know how many 22 year old men would do that yeah dude let's go all of them let's go yeah yeah starting to count that's like men really live like this in his photos of shipping

dude sitting in shipping containers on the ocean bro that's pretty it's pretty sweet out here it's an old pirate skeleton at the bottom of the sea it's really live like this yeah this bro is awesome

yeah Just Photoshop a Nintendo 64 in there You'll be fine Dude's rock At the bottom of the ocean Yeah, you know you're going to die Oh cool, cool I mean like we all get there right

That's awesome I'm not going to die alone You're it's sloppers only down here Matey Dude I'm on the black pearl This is sick Yeah

don't ever don't call out the people in shipping just don't just seems like a bad idea i don't have any like concrete evidence to back this up you know like no and the fact that you're talking about this much is starting to make you a target yeah no it's frightening me and i say that with a booster core that includes people who have like old coal money and when i say old coal money i mean coal mine with like prison labor in the 20s oh yeah because that doesn't happen now yeah it doesn't happen with please send prison labor to the coal mines i think i'd be more freaked out by someone with a lot of new coal money that like specifically new coal money for yeah i just started a coal mine in 2021 i got coal zero i got coal zero have silicon valley invented coal mining yet has that come up

that well we've reinvented coal mining no no no they say we've invented it but they call it something else yeah they don't even call it anthracite with all the vowels taken out A-N-T-H, or sorry, N-H-R-Z. Carbon harvesting. That's what we call it now. There it is. Thank you. We call it, we don't call it coal.

We call it cool with a U and a U.S. U.S. U.S. Jesus is so real. We're just removing the Earth's kidney stones if you think about it. They're not union workers. They're contractors, underground contractors, all of them. You know, when you think about it, we're all underground. They're not mole men. They're mole people.

Because we hear a cool belief in diversity. Happy International Women's Day. To all the women. I'm not like other moleweens. Dropped underground in our cool minds. To all the coal women. Yeah. We don't believe in ageism.

And that's why we let eight-year-olds work in our minds. And 87-year-olds. Joe Manchin, stop listening to this podcast and get back to work, you big bitch. It takes a village. Literally, we have an underground village. A village entirely underground. Yes. A village has like schools.

Yeah, in Colombia, which does not have unions. Yeah. Hey, speaking of unions, shout out Bessemer. Yeah. Y'all, hang tight. I'm not spending anything on Amazon this week. I don't know if that's actually a thing, by the way. I'm just not doing it.

Yeah. I mean, this is generally a good idea. Yeah, it's also easy for me to do it because I just forget. Like, I don't know. Why would I go to Amazon.com to buy things when I could go to, like, our Wall Street bets where I can watch people talk about diamond hands. I actually picture you most, I picture you most of the time walking around with, like, a Resident Evil or some similar style inventory,

where you're just like, well, let's see what I got here. got eight red herbs and guess that's fine got a shotgun got a shitload of flashlights why are you yeah why are you watching me take stuff out of my pockets at night right i don't think you shop i think you hoard but in like an rbg way but but only in my pockets or backpack it doesn't ever make it to a shelf yeah or any organization spencer did you get bread no but i have eight shields you understand it is my goal in life to please stop triggering me it is it is my goal in life to have like 500 grand in cash in the bank yeah two pairs of pants and one chair like if i ever

do that i'll be like oh dude's really live like this yeah that's it how are you going to get 500 grand of cash though not licitly i don't think you know i don't think that's possible god jesus christ ryan just just let jason do it if you're a dude Fucking middle. No, I don't want to live like this. Or a lady who'd like to live like this, have we got the path for you? It's going to take some time. It's acorns.com slash full cast to start you on your path to being a dude, lady, lady dude, any gender dude.

Ladies and dudes too. Ladies and dudes too, all genders is dudes. Who can live like this. I am currently on pace to retire it. Well, yep. Still over 83. All right. We got a ways to go before.

I can live like this, but with acorns.com. It's nice to have goals. Yeah, you know, it'll get done before the earth is consumed. It'd be nicer to have money, but it's nice to have goals. Yeah, well, the thing about acorns is a little bit of money means you have a slightly less little bit of money.

Put that on the billboards. It rounds up your purchases and stuff. You can tack on a few bucks whenever you like, and it goes into market, to do market things, not GameStop things. Although you, maybe you could rig that. I don't know. I don't know how.

But, yeah, you know, small, sensible, humble, hardworking things. Like the mine workers at the cool app. The gig economy coal mine. No, not that. The opposite of that. Acorns.com slash full cast. Yeah. My account, by the way, the Acorns account that I have.

Bumpin, baby. We are now, we are now. dare I say, approaching the four-figure mark. The four-figure mark with just contributions. Contributions I barely notice. Is the child gap still there? We're going to check the child gap live right now. What I really want to hear is that this means one kid has 1,000,

and one kid has been blip dry. I am now looking, and I will tell you that in past weeks, I have noticed that my younger son's account just lingers a little bit behind raising my suspicions that my younger son is embezzling because he would do it and he wouldn't say embezzling he would just say dad i just needed it it's my money it's my money and i want it not needed it he would just say i did it there would be no justification yeah i took it why i just i needed i needed to buy you know thomas the tank engine on dvd again we had some of the children in our quarantine bubble in my backyard today and was trying to get them to turn the compost pile like do something useful with their stupid tiny hands and at one point he just Spencer's younger son came down to where his mother and I were sitting and he just you know sat down and listened quietly to our conversation and took a sip of his drink and after a few minutes we said oh are you

done said no i just decided to stop helping like very true wow i like it my little baby boomer of a child that's time i just gave up that's time management whether you like it or not uh he is currently ten dollars behind ten dollars behind which means he's not he's done no embezzling unless he's lowered both accounts by ten dollars oh wow Which I think, you know, which he's not that smart. I've seen him do math. He, listen, he can do, he's like. He's not that smart at math yet.

What if he's going to help on that? He's as smart as he needs to be. Yeah. Maybe they're in cahoots together. I don't know. Listen, I saw these two play risk. This child is a complete chaos agent, which means he's going to be undetectable because he's going to have no plan.

Sponserner, can I ask you a difficult question? Sure. What is the amount of money you think your two sons would have to have in the Sacorn's account for them to say fuck it we don't need dad anymore at this age yeah no that's they're already well past like if you told them you're if you told them hey i've got three hundred dollars in an account for you i'm stabbed dead they'll just they'll just kill me give it really lucky that neither one of them knows what life insurance is yeah exactly um

because if they did i'd wake up i'd wake up to like you know the house on fire and then giggling outside that's how quickly it would be over so yeah like i'm not even going to tell them what life insurance is as a joke that's how concerned i am fortunately their attention spans aren't long enough to get complete the concept so yeah they are not yeah they'll be good but yeah with the acorns account i've nearly got them to an amount of money where i'm pretty sure they would decide i wasn't necessary they're like over three hundred dollars. Both of them being a thousandaires

at a very young age. So we're headed there, is what I'm saying, with the help of acorns.com. Sorry about the patricide. It's inevitable. You have a daughter. You have a daughter you won't understand. She's just not

waiting. He won't understand patricide? Oh, yeah. Have you met Ryan's daughter? No, she's killing she's killing me emotionally. Just this week, she sat down next to my wife on the couch and like snuggled up to her and said

mom you smell so nice and then she walked into the other room where I was doing dishes and she looked at me gave me finger guns and said hello stinky buns these things happen back to back women's day yeah Ryan

that's bad and it's very funny it's a great story and I love Nora and I love her spirit but you know what it's not actually killing you it's not Oh, no. Oh, we're killing him emotionally. Is it a gun, Ryan? Is it a knife?

Can you go to sleep after somebody calls you stinky buns? Yes. Do you go to sleep forever after somebody hit you with a hammer? Are you living in clue? I mean, you could lose sleep, and losing sleep is bad for your health. That's right. That's why I'm no longer a member of the Seattle Seahawks. That and my feud with Gary Payton.

It never ends, Gary. um no i i can't i get mad at this because you're like you're like oh man because i know oh i know i have it better than you you girls have their own girls have their own difficulties and i just start crying and get real angry when i think about that because they're trying to kill me every day one way or another literally not emotionally because we don't have those it's just it's it's it's more the kind of emotions where um is is uh is getting repeatedly headbutted awake yeah you don't have the maslovian security to have emotions at this point like you operate in a constant state of fear yeah no it's it's like no

i wake up to it i woke up there's not a point and clue where they're like and colonel mustard how are you feeling today it's like no motherfucker there's a maniac with a pipe in the house first thing i woke up to no live this morning was hey dad wham knee directly to the like right to the balls that's the first thing I woke up to this morning no one day they're not gonna want to spend time with you I know and then you know what'll happen I'll be able to wake up without being needed the balls I'll be like oh that's so bitter sweet you're gonna miss it so much this is such a great age I'll be dead I don't know what you guys I'm gonna die before I get to miss anything that's

they're gonna summon you just oh yeah 100% they'll find boys are gonna have a seance whatever they got to do they're going to find you wherever wherever you are yeah they'll find her and roaring out of the grave like ghost rider and it gets meed in the balls yeah nick cage my son's made a deal with me the devil they brought you back just so they could hit you with the testicles a bunch they're going to harrow hell knee Satan in the balls rescue spencer the knees spencer in the balls does ghost riders sleep? Yes, tonight only. He will sleep for the first time in 3,000 years. And at 5.15 a.m., his son will walk in the room and ask, hey, dad, what time is it? That's why he's got the motorcycle to get away from his sons.

That's why he has no flesh on his head. Yeah. Because he's rented all, thinking about all of the times, he's been neat in the balls. Acorns.com. And the Acorns app. download it it's great say server was that a good ad read we'll talk later oh shit no we're all going to the minds

again to mine cool fuck we have I wanted to clarify before we played our little quiz tonight to show how little we know

about who actually is doing anything in college football because we don't it's just too much to follow you can't remember everyone's names I wanted to clarify, we did have a discussion of which Michigan's were various types of Michigan beer, if we're going by beer branding. Michigan was referred to as Michigan Heavy. I'm going to stand on that.

I think University of Michigan, that's Michigan Heavy. They're the original. They get to keep it. Michigan State. Michigan Light. And I think when you refer to a light bear, we've kind of gone to, we've defaulted as a nation to. the beer you drink 35 of in a sitting is always like bud light right or coors light or bush light whatever yeah that's very michigan state to me right if i was like hey you can buy 35 of them at once and you'll drink him in a parking lot and hate yourself michigan state football michigan state is that it's going to take four hours and it's going to be the exact same thing for the entire four hours is it going to feel different

no no every single play is going to be exactly this and then you're going to throw up at the very at the end you're going to feel amazing or terrible no in between it's always kind of weird that like but heavy you know the like a heavy beer sounds tougher but the light beer you drink way more of you're going to get way more fucked up on the light beer you do so michigan state congrats to you you do way sketchier like you know real working class antics shit when you're drinking the light beer right that's what that's michigan light michigan state you're the one you're the one where you're like hey why'd you fight that cop well i had 38 michigan lights i got into the light beer yeah i got into the light beer we started talking in the parking lot pretty soon i'm beating

this dude up with the traffic cone yeah that's michigan light eastern michigan i'm gonna call you Michigan ice because if you're drinking ice beer something's something grim has happened when I think grim I think of Ipsilani and think of the team that went ahead and embraced this and had a gray field and beats down a cinder block wall to take the field so that's you eastern Michigan you're Michigan ice higher alcohol content for a reason western Michigan I'm going to call you Michigan genuine draft I don't know just seems to fit and central michigan i'm going to go with some extremely obscure budweiser branding your michigan nitro gold because it's cold up there and you need some extra pizzazz

because god damn it is cold up there but michigan nitro gold that's central michigan objections clarifications do we pass that in committee i'm good with that this is what i wanted to test you on tonight which is that we every year there's like a zillion people become coaches and get fired and hired and you just assume oh yeah we know we know all those people we don't we don't we really don't you try to keep up but like eventually some guy named tom arth gets hired somewhere and you're like oh good for him that's that's great i i have no idea who that is and sometimes even when you read the resumes of people who got hired and you go oh well i i didn't know any of that actually i know that guy i didn't know he did any of that i didn't know

he worked there i didn't actually know any of his qualifications for the job um or whether he was qualified in the first place sometimes they're not that's the fun part they're just making a lot of it up and it's easier if they're actually related to a famous coach if they're like their son that usually helps so if the figure tonight what i was going to do is i was going to go through coaches who are all coaching their um who are all coaching their first year somewhere else okay they could be there's a couple of coaches here who are first time coaches there's a couple of people who are in their first year at a new destination um i have seven cases and um what i'm going to do is going to ask the crew

guys can just go when you know it just holler it out can let me know but I think I picked seven and I picked facts that will drag it out just enough to you can go yeah we really don't we don't know

anything when you have 130 plus teams to cover it's just impossible to keep track of everybody so you're going to start you're going to start listing facts and we buzz in once we know who it is. Yes.

And these are newly hired coaches in the 2021 carousel. Yes. But it could, to be clear, it could be somebody who's not a head coach. Like Gus Malzahn could be on this list. Yes, but there is one in here I will tell you that got, and I don't think this will help. There is one in here who got hired in 2020. and did not get to coach in 2020.

As a head coach? Mm-hmm. Okay. All right. So coach one, coach one. This coach, coaching their first year, as a head coach. I'll go ahead and give you that. Once threw nine touchdowns in a college football game.

Nine. And is a former Tupelo fire ant. of the National Indoor Football League. This is a head coach? Mm-hmm. The head coach, a former Tupelo Fire Ant. He is coached as a head coach. Is this a first-year head coach?

Yes, but he has coached at the FCS level. Okay, this is the first FBS job. Coached both West Georgia and West Alabama. What are you trying to prove, coach? Yeah. By the way, he was the offensive coordinator at Tulane under Willie Fritz before taking another directional job. So this man has never held a head coaching job in FBS, but he has also never held a head coaching job that did not involve a directional. Split.

Some guys are going to be so mad. Yes, I was just thinking that. How much this is agonizing them? They're yelling it out into their. I'm screaming. All of the nerds are like, how could you not know this? I'm pretty sure I know we've been trying to tell y'all for years we don't watch sports just let this episode prove it I'm pretty sure I know the job the school I cannot remember the name what's the school I think the school is Southern Miss okay but the reason we spent so much time talking about the dude they fired after 30 minutes well this is the problem I can't remember the name of the dude they hired Southern well here's the tricky part Southern Miss had one head coach to start the year.

Oh yeah, they had about four head coaches last year. Fired him after one game. Had an interim coach. The interim coach left to take, I want to say the Western Kentucky job. I'm not 100% on that, but something in that ilk. Maybe the Austin P job, actually.

And then they had a third interim coach who didn't get the job. Or a third head coach at the season who didn't get the job. But like the reason I can't remember if it is Southern Miss and if it's not Spencer thank you for letting me waste a bunch of fucking time here

No no I'm gonna go ahead and let you know You're right on the school Okay and but he has But you understand dear listener Why we can't remember which Southern Miss guy This is the other part of it is that this dude Whose name I swear I cannot remember Has like the most blank

Name possible Like there's no pizzazz to this name has the like maybe the blandest least memorable last name just like that testable last name just a vacancy of a last name a cursed moniker following you okay so so this is leaving me believe his last name is either nanny or hall and it's not nanny so i'm going to say it's hall that's correct that is correct but i couldn't pick up on that at all i couldn't i couldn't i couldn't tell you his first name like john hall bobby hall bill hall Darryl Hall. You're there. I'm going to give you for Bill. His name will Hall. Will Hall, Will Hall, the offensive coordinator to Lane, who is hired to coach, he did

throw, Will Hall did throw nine TDs in the football game. Sorry again, Split Zone. Yeah, and is, yeah, Will Hall, the former two, former Tupelo Fire Ant. Good for him. Good job. Good job, Ryan. Hey, thanks. Yeah.

And the only man to coach West Georgia and West Alabama. My thing with this game is like, you know, for the last decade, I would have had, like spreadsheets on all this shit right and i'd be like obnoxious jumping in like knowing the answer and shit like i've never heard this with the way this whole past season played out i've never heard this man i would i have no way to confirm that's the truth sorry to this man stop sorry to this man i'm sorry to this man i'm pointing as concerned yeah will hall um yeah i thought that was hard this one this was not i mean i think y'all get this one but i just wanted to see how how did we get the details before you hop on it

coach two this is a this is somebody who is coaching their first year at a spot he was his position was long snapper

in college and played in a national title game for an FBS school not being cagey there he was playing big time ball as a long snapper he was once fined

$25,000 by his employer at the time for something he did at a former employer. No? Sorry, start over. So, like, he was at Best Buy and he got fined because he did while he was at Circuit City. Right. He was at a school, we'll call it Best Buy University. Yeah.

These are all first year coaches? Yes, and he was fined for something he did at Circuit City University. RIP Circuit City Circuit City University Okay, so clearly we're talking about Oh no, wait, the Jacksonville Jaggars are a protein Sorry Yeah

He's worked for Kirby Smart, Steve Spurger, and Lincoln Riley Is this Kurt Roper? No, no, he didn't get a job. I think it's Shane Beamer You are correct. It is Shane Beamer. Oh, look at you. He was in Wakey League.

He was one of the coaches. That is correct. South Carolina. South Carolina just hired one of the guys who took info in Wakey Leaks. I mean, to be fair, I don't think they could be Wake Forest in their current state. So you say, and he's still in the market. I'm saying you do it, you got it. You do it, you got it.

If I don't, they will. Someone's going to pay good money for Wake Forest special teams, plus. if they're on top shot they will i'm putting the whole playbook on top shot for 8.2 million dollars i got this riley skinner in completion it's worth 18,000 dollars we got a fake pump that won't work 38 grand that's not the gift of riley skinner that you have to worry about people selling for money no it really is fair fair oh god i just remembered all that yeah also i'm really he has never been a head coach and the last detail i was going to give is probably my favorite which is combined with his dad there's second in terms of wins for a father-son duo at 238

never coached game that's diabolical you wrote this quiz like ryan mm-hmm oh i don't think y'all are going to get this at all and you'll totally understand why but if you do i'll be kind of depressed that you did because this is a very depressing one oh i'm really excited to depress you coach three starting off depressing he's a university of florida graduate and was college roommates with eagle's general manager howie roseman he has been an assistant coach for seven different NFL franchises seven but did not play football but was all state in the sport of tennis among his three illustrious college stops

he's the only one to ever really achieve the gold standard and by that I mean he was an offensive coordinator under Al Golden at Miami who is this man who is coaching not only his first year at this location but his first year ever as a head coach

these are all FBS jobs yeah correct in fact this one is a power five this is a power five job Okay. They hired this guy. Yeah, they hired this guy. Say him again. It's not Clark Lee because he was a D.C.

University of Florida graduate, college roommates with Eagles general manager, Howie Roseman. He has been an assistant for seven NFL franchises, three college teams, including a stint as offensive coordinator under Al Golden at Miami, and did not play football, but instead was Allstate in tennis. Did any ACC jobs, this is for Holly and Jason, did any ACC jobs turn over this year that you all can think of? UNC didn't, NC State didn't, Wake didn't, Duke didn't, Miami and Florida State didn't, Georgia Tech didn't, BC didn't, Syracuse didn't, Pitt didn't, Virginia did not, didn't Virginia Tech bafflingly didn't. I know I'm missing ACC schools. I'm sorry, but I can't think of any. Are you ready to cry, Uncle? No.

No. This is an honor thing. Jason, what do you got? Yeah, I thought I paid no attention to the coaching carousel this year. I'm realizing I paid, like, negative amounts of attention. This is bad if I'm the most knowledgeable person. I feel like I really should. I feel like I really should.

followed Al Golden at Miami way closer than this because it was extremely funny and I got nothing um the power five thing is what's bothering me I'm trying to think of like power five jobs that turned over it's probably who were to wait no who retired hardly anybody retired I don't know if any I can't I'm it was because the jobs that changed wait are we missing a Carolina somewhere South Carolina changed over but UNC, NC State, Wake Forest, and Duke, all same. Nobody left. The tennis, I mean, God, the tennis thing is fucking with me.

The Power 5 thing is fucking with me. But I don't think, I might be forgetting. I don't think any Pac-12 jobs changed, partially because they barely had a season. Yeah, I'm fine. I'll quit. This feels like a Pac-12 job. It's going to be an ACC school, and I'm going to feel bad. I was I was about to let I was a listen I thought I had you on the hook yeah and then I reeled you in yeah and yeah um because the answer is Jed fish at Arizona oh ha ha shit the one I still wouldn't have gotten that no but by the way I only got that because I was sitting there looking at the list and I saw Jed fish and I was like nah and then I came back to it and I was like no they really did that yeah I forgot that Arizona turned over yeah they really turned over

rolled over one might say would they lose Arizona State if I got us to if I'd gotten us to the PAC 12 I still would have

not managed to remember that this is that guy's name no I wouldn't have either the Territorial Cup final score this year was

70 to 787 70 to 7 yeah that would be fired mm-hmm that'll get you jedfish yeah

you've been jed fish do they do they think they have to atone for it Oh, we have to mortify the flesh by hiring Jetfish. Oh, go get somebody good.

Are they maybe hoping to mortify the fish? Curry favor with the conference by hiring a tennis coach to appeal to Larry Scott. But he's leaving, so it doesn't matter anymore. Right, because he's been replaced. Oh. Congratulations to new Pact 12 commissioner, Jeddfish. I'm saying, right? Time moves a little slower.

Their Arizona is building a pipeline, uh, as they are want to do. Yeah. Of, of power to the commission's office. That's true. That's how you get the money. First you go to Tucson. But that's the salmon cannon is what it is. That's amazing.

Remember the salmon canon? First you get the cedar planks. They put the salmon in the tube and it shoots it into the ocean like a mile away. Yeah. Yeah, I remember. Oh, yeah. How old is Spencer? Spencer Hall?

Yeah. Oh, 44. Some say he's. I think you, I think you are in Florida the same time as Jeddard. fish uh he was yeah he was right there fish contemporary okay this is how we're referring to him from now on on the show he graduated in nineteen ninety eight temporary spencer hall yeah yeah so yeah that's that's my that's my classmate jett fish what so what was howie rose from like in college we don't we don't make uh i know we don't make how we's anymore i'm actually surprised that we were

still making howies when spencer was in college college sure i mean was he is that hungry howie oh he's from new jersey that's what it is it makes more sense yeah that does explain a number you can't say howie howie with the southern accent doesn't it howie no no one in the south is organically called anyone howie ever i mean there's a whole there's the whole place in florida called howie in the hills yeah but that's i'm not making that up no it's it's named howie in the hills but that's no everybody just thinks you're saying hi lea yeah that's florida right howell and the hills and highly are very different places same place exactly no i'm saying if you try to introduce yourself as howie in florida everybody's

gonna think you're just saying hi oh that you're saying hi lea yeah i always thought they just named that city after an idiot who lived in the hills that's it like what's that town that's howie in the hills what do they call it that big idiot date howie it is named after a citrus grower and real estate developer named william John Howie. An idiot. Just lived out there. Look out for him. He's dangerous.

He's dangerously stupid. Coach four. Y'all can get this. You can get it. Started a career playing baseball at Birmingham Southern. He is the former linebackers coach for the South Dakota State Jack Rabbits. Go Jacks. The rare fruit of the Carl Dorell coaching tree.

This is his. first gig as a head coach and at this school um if he wins no games this year he will have as many wins as his predecessor had last year that's neat zero and uh you y'all y'all got any clues yet remind i'm sorry i had a small stroke because you said he won no games last year and i just remembered randy edsel got a contract extension he did and this is not randy edsel i know because he got a contract extension. I think this is Clark Lee. You are correct.

You are correct. You got it before the Gimmie, which is number five, which was, yeah, the Notre Dame defensive coordinator from 2018 to 2020. We have Coach 5, coach number 5.

Former South Dakota football player of the year. God. Yeah, played at three colleges, including Weber State and some junior college. called Snow College in Ephraim, Utah. Snow college.

In 2016, he had the honor of coaching the nation's 48th best offense. All right, so I'll get in early here. I think this is Harson, the way you're leaning. Like, all of this sounds like weird Brian Harsen's shit.

But keep going. I'm not settled on it. If you, you're well, you're just going to get it here. Okay. which is, got beaten for the Heisman by a 28-year-old man. And coached for coaches as illustrious as Mike Stoops. So it's not Brian Harsson.

Not Brian Harsen. Got beaten for the Heisman by a 28-year-old man. Oh, this is going to feel good for you, Holly, particularly, I suspect. So we've got any guesses? I am pretty sure I know who this is now. I am not saying a word about this. Jason, do you have anything you want to throw in here? Ryan, I believe in you.

You're carrying this team. Keep carrying it. I think this is Josh Hypole. It is Josh Hypole. Oh, yeah, okay. All right. Nailed it. Nailed it.

I feel like that one sort of brought me back to reality because, like, I didn't need to know what was going on in December, January. that's like I should have gotten that one just based off the bi you know what I mean yeah just based off the biography yeah okay I'm back graduate graduate of snow college snow college that does feel like somewhere Brian Harrison would have been like yeah I did a year at snow college it sounds like some fake university Jeezy makes up all right with the snow college ha ha and Ephraim Ephraim, Utah.

How bad did John Hypo want to play football? He was an Ephraim, Utah. Jesus, I don't love anything that much. I'm going to look up. I bet Ephraim, Utah is pretty. Sure. Or is it just in that part of Utah that looks like the sandbox? Ephraim, Utah, look at you.

Good gracious. Stunning? Yeah, I'm going to play football there. Does it have a chilis? Okay, that's fine. That's fine. That's a good part. It's not like Sandbox, Utah. You said fine. It's fine. It's better than fine.

There is a Chili's, yes, right. Okay, all right. Okay, we're good. Sold. They are hiring. All right, this is, Coach six is interesting to me. One, Coach six is a Cornell grad. It's a really

good school. Jesus. I never heard of it. fuck uh he's a disciple of the prince in that he ron prince he coached with ron prince god wait where is ron early in his career coached with ron prince as an assistant um we'll get on that we'll we'll put research on where ron prince is by research i mean ryan who's probably ron prince was the head coach at howard and then was placed on leave after allegations of verbal abuse and intimidations of his players

and then he quit and he didn't do anything last year. Yeah. Idol as a prince should be. Yeah, right. Uh-huh. The royal family is really really going through

some things. Uh, the he coached a great named, a great quarterback named Rogers, Jordan. Rogers at Vanderbilt as the QB coach at Vandy so I got a thread that like Cornell Vanderbilt Kansas State Needle I'm about to put another I'm about to put another

delicious layer of icing on here for you okay Jesus all right crack open a hot beer and enjoy this because he was the QB coach for Christian Hakenberg so you're kind of responsible and and and none of us would be hit None of us would be begging to be hit in the face with shovels if it weren't for this man because he also coached Trace McSorley. Oh, my God.

I think the best. What a chaotic group of quarterbacks. Yeah, seriously. Yeah. Yeah, this guy's live. Someone looked at that and thought, we need that on for our entire team. Mm-hmm. Yeah, let's get the guys behind that.

This is not a P-5 job. No. I'll give you that clue. Because we're low on P-5 jobs. and this is not okay yeah this is actually probably the most helpful clue i can give you all right you ready yeah um because he this is the guy who was hired in 2020 but didn't get to coach because they did not play last year um but we'll be coaching his first season this year inshallah if everything goes well is that yukon then no because they didn't it's they

didn't change coaches has a name Is that, Old Dominion? It's Old Dominion, yes. It is O'DU. And it has a name. Yeah. Has a name that sounds like a NASCAR driver. Sorry, I got distracted by the story.

Is that the guy? Did you, Jason Kirk? Wow. Jason Kirk. Pulled up from the loco on that one. So, you know how? It was five plus in. It was a layup.

But it still was a really good layup. That one was last year. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Ricky Rain There is nobody

By the way Greatest discrepancy between name And alma mater Right A dude named Ricky Rain Rickeraine Oh do it to the Vicky Vale dance Yeah

Ricky Rain versus Rick rude Ruggishin Ricky Rain Ricky rain What's that alma mater Cornell Like Ricky Rain Ricky Rain should have gone

to Delta State This one you're gonna get Which by the way Jason that was pulling up for the logo excellent work on that one our final our final contestant here coach number seven his middle name is Dale Houston nut of course Houston nut UCLA God please let this be the thing we speak into existence for next year please just give it time I love Los Angeles I'm okay I love Los Angeles

Yeah, he would. He really would. Lord, we don't ask for much. He'd say, it's a short drive from Dallas, from my home in Dallas. I could be there on time every morning. I could be there in 10 minutes. First of all, I want to say I found everybody here to be bitching. Can't wait to get some Mr. Zog sex wax and surf.

They don't have that on the West Coast. That's a Ron John thing. That's what he's bringing. That's what he's bringing. That's what he's bringing with him. Yeah, that's it. I can't wait to run with the big dogs here in L.A. Club Lavella, I've heard it's great.

Westwood is now Hepwood. So this guy once called plays in the final game of a storied and now defunct rivalry. His team won. Is this the UAB Memphis rivalry? Sadly no. he currently has the ninth best win percentage of any coach working so this is not his first job this is his first year in place but but it's not his first right yeah okay right now his first rodeo um new new horse though uh and holds mountain west and sunbelt um belts

if you will so this is brian harsen and Thank you. You pulled up for the last one. Yeah. That's too. Jason's getting hot. Good job. And it has the rare feat of succeeding the same coach twice at two different schools.

Brian Dale Harson. Oh, the Butch Jones. The Butch Jones now has his old job. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, God. Oh, God. Butch Jones is now working on a like second lap of Butch Jonesedness.

Yeah. Jesus Christ. This is some sort of poke. This feels like it needs a poker term for what he's doing, right? Like an inside street. He's waiting on the river. He's gone double butch is more of an outside flush. If you take my meaning.