Shutdown Fullcast - Mountain Dew, The Rapture, and You

Episode Date: August 16, 2023

SHOW NOTES Holly and Spencer fight a Greek god in real life … but which one?? Which program’s message board culture is the most preternaturally chill heading into the season? Workshopping the concept of “rollover crimes” Ryan, like the SAW puppet but handsomer, introduces a new game that ends in a thrilling cliffhanger Holly offers some exclusive housekeeping tips Jason poses one of the great philosophical questions of our time (what is the most pointless decaffeinated beverage?), which sets the team down a dark path As always, visit sunny preownedairboats.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I just feel like we are surrounded in this world by bullshit. So how can you know what's real and what's not? Science versus, that's how. We answer questions like, does anti-aging skin care actually work? And what is your true personality type? And to answer these questions, we don't use opinions. We dive into the scientific studies,

talk to the experts, and put it in a podcast that I know you are going to love. Listen to science verses on Spotify. Thank you I don't know. I'm going to be able to So, I'm going to I'm

I'm You know, I'm going to be able to be. I'm going to be. I'm going to I'm going to be I'm going to be I'm

I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm Welcome to the shutdown Welcome to the shutdown full cast.

You are listening to the end. Internet's only college football podcast. I am joined as always by Ryan Nanny, Jason Kirk, Holly Anderson, Michael Serber on the ones and twos, and a special update. This episode is brought to you by Coors Light, Mountain Cold Refreshment, made to chill. No, he's doing it now. Do you know why I love this time of year? I saw something today that I'd never seen before on the Internet. Wow.

I saw the message board. genius's account complained to people that they were taking the message board geniuses account too seriously I need more

I want to know more I don't know what happened I don't know I don't engage with them because they scare me respect so I don't know which fan base set

did Holly just die I hear you Ryan still okay I see server moving as well yeah I think they both just died they froze and it looks like the lights are off all of a sudden behind her don't they yeah that that is what it looks

although that could just be the camera they've been they've been compromised by message for geniuses do you think their internet do you think their power immediately just died yeah i do okay that's immediately what i thought like if we're if we're putting odds on things like put me in that column okay listeners go listeners this is happening in real time you can go ahead and submit your guesses right now do you think a their Wi-Fi has B, their power has disconnected, or C, they've fled. They just got up and left. We go to draught kings.com right now.

We have received the actual answer, but listener, we won't spoil it for you. Go ahead and write down your guess. And then we will let you know just as soon as we can, just as soon as the embargo is lifted. I feel bad. I left an option out. Rapture. It could have been rapture. It could have been rapture. Well, shit, the three of us would still be here. question right right it's highly possible i just talk some real shit about catholics and evangelicals like

i think it was only the latter part counted there pal i think the first one is uh is key to being raptured oh okay got it got it oh shit man i was so close it's it's hard to be raptured if you haven't talked shit about catholics which makes it weird that ryan's here yeah that's right that's right yeah i kind of exists in a uh a feedback loop of rapture rhapsure's not sure what to do with me mostly it's like, I don't want to see him without, I want to make sure he keeps his clothes on, so we're just going to leave him. You're just bouncing up and down. Yeah, that is always, uh, every fucking rapture movie is like the pile of clothes is the telltale signal.

And like, you just, you just can't imagine with the clothes going. So what happens to rapture people who were nude at the time? Like, what if you were in the shower and you got raptured? Do people think you got raptured or you left? There are many theories on this. Okay. So, like, usually if you're, if you're setting up this scene, you would want to have some sort of a visual indicator left behind maybe they were shaving with a razor and the razor falls this is um the most

famous rapture movie hey all we're talking about rapture movies left behind is that the the kirk chairman one we got to roll back like 20 years buddy oh i'm so sorry the thief in the night series uh the main visual motif and that one is a razor ending up in a sink is that we are constantly told people have been raptured so in various fictions you can find not just clothes but also like um uh dental implants or Things that have been put into your body also end up discarded when you're raptured. So if I swallowed a penny and then I got raptured before I pooped the penny out, are you saying like a dirty penny would clink to the bottom of the shower? I am saying you would render onto Abraham Lincoln.

I don't know exactly what counts as food and not food. This could be something for the FDA to tackle. Like, is this the ultimate way to, like, you know, there's lots of things. We eat that are like that's like half chemicals. I don't know it's actually food, but it's like Dorito dust. Is that really count his food? I'm pretty sure it's going to just tuft to the ground when you're raptured. FDA, if you could start getting on this rapture testing, as I understand, we need this research imminently. I've been told this research has been pressing for the past 200 years now. So all right. Well, Spencer and Holly have rejoined us. So if you bet rapture is trying to prevent us. If you bet rash, we have a, so we were taking bets on what cast jall offline and now you can reveal to the listeners, it was in fact a thunderstorm. So listener, if you guessed thunderstorm. It's still a thunderstorm, so this is probably going to happen again.

If any of you guessed thunderstorm, despite that not being presented as an option, give yourself double points. This might be the first ever, like, visible, explicable instance of why we lost power during a show. Yeah, it was visually ascertainable in real time here. All right, Holly, what were you saying before the weather decided you shouldn't be podcasting? I just, I love this time of year because I just want to read this tweet from the Message Board Geniuses account. Reminder, if you follow this account, it's likely because you enjoy laughing at crazy takes from other fan bases. So there's no reason to get upset when posts come from your own fan base. It's all just fun.

Calm down. It is August, and Message Board Geniuses is already fed up with your shit. This is going to be a great season. I don't even know who sets them off I'm not gonna look and find out if you know I don't care I just love that you have already upset the guys whose express purpose it is

to engender these reactions from you and they're like guys take it down and this is more geniuses is biased if you had to pick a football fan base to attach yourself to based solely on I think this has the fewest number of people that will show their ass online

oh where's the fun in that No, but if you're the kind of person who's like, my number one priority is I don't want to have bad feelings from a message board geniuses post, who are you picking and why? So are we going like only Power 5, or is it like? Let's say FBS. Let's say FBS. Oh, shit. I mean, yeah, one of the times. Because it's not like there aren't a group of five schools that will show their ass too.

Like, I immediately fled to, like, Illinois, but then there was that thing where their athletic director yelled at Nebraska, or was that the other way around? Was Illinois the group that... Oh, no, Illinois deleted their awesome smack talk of Nebraska, so fuck them. They're not... I'm going to go Virginia Tech based on my experience with a couple of Virginia Tech bloggers last night. Based on what has happened to their program throughout the past... Spencer's been bought and paid for it. No, but like, seriously, we know a number...

Big key play strikes again. Spencer, tell them how sane we are. The key play chief among them, we... We know a lot of Virginia Tech fans. And considering if you make it an equation of what has happened to their program in the past X number of years versus their reactions to it, please give me some of whatever you're growing up in them hollers. I don't know what you're lacing. Yeah, it's very like 19th century Irish, where it's like, oh, boy, Virginia Tech's dead again.

Just bury them in the garden and move on with life. The only way you can really get them mad is to, like, talk shit about, you know, Hokey Stone. The only other thing they really don't like. The only other thing they really don't like is when you use Fancy Gap in a sexual connotation, they hate that. Is this going to change

if Shane Beamer like continues to be super successful at South Carolina? Oh, me? No, because he's only going to get more handsome. No, no, no, yeah, but is that the thing that's going to finally like make Virginia Tech fans snap? We should have hired Shane. Yeah.

like that's that's the path of it's like if you if you skipped the nepo higher and that turned out to have been the move oh god you know iowa i think that's like something tennessee would do holy shit iowa you don't want to end up in this situation hang on to him that's right that's right so i think virginia tech falls into sort of a category here where it's like um beaten down by um results over the past yeah you know like 10 years what are you going to tell if you tell them you're like hey man you're going to you're going to you're going to end up playing defense and punting and your offense sucks they're like yep yeah but if like if the criteria is who's going to say the dumbest shit online why would they be invested enough to say i mean they're all pretty smart too that's another reason i chose them is that you know you got to be

pretty smart to get into virginia tech and yeah that that's another thing the bars very the bars off the floor shout out to the stream biology department now you also have to be smart to get to texas a andm right there right there are kinds of smart that lend themselves toward explosions. Sometimes... Smart is not... has nothing to do

with emotional maturity. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. You can be smart and a fool. Techsaggs.com. You can know lots of facts about lots of war Wikipedia pages and still be a fool. You can know lots of stuff about steel beams.

The best... Steel beams! Sorry. The best Jet fuel temperature Jetfuel temperatures Dot com Yeah And the price of oil

And the permian And still be an absolute fool Texags.com That's some old miss fans too To be fair So like least likely to Show ass online I don't remember the last time

I saw a Cal fan express That's what I was gonna That's where I was thinking too Yeah They spell Stanford with a U Hmm Yeah There is that

I hate every version of that shit Stanford but that's that's like Is that the best they got? Because everyone does that shit It's usually like Stanford produces war criminals And like biology frauds They still do it as the thing I see you just reading the resume

If Stanford doesn't want it to be spelled F-U-R-D Then what they could do is simply wait for the market To shake it out eventually the F-O-R-D will be the more optimal pronunciation Yeah, I mean, like, I feel like you have to sort of equalize the fan bases here because you could just list the 50 teams that only sort of care. Sure.

Okay, well, which SEC school is going to show their ass least online? Because, like, look, it has nothing to do with how good your team, like, they're very mad, they're a Vanderbilt fans who fucking hate us. so like that's that's true that's a thing and that's fine i get that i don't know like mississippi state does a really good job of containing themselves like via their nesting egg message boards right they have a they have a really orderly if you're uh you gotta have a password to show ass if you're not familiar there's like i know of it i can name at least six mississippi state message boards that each splintered off from a previous iteration when it

became too liberal, but they keep that shit in house, and I respect it. Yeah, I see what you're saying. It's sort of thing where, like, on the surface level, it's like, wow, they're pretty chill. And it's sort of by design, because you have to really dig down to get to the crazy shit. They're ducks. They're gliding on top, and they're paddling like billi-o. That's a pretty good answer, I think. Okay, great. So is this football only? Yeah, so we can't include Missouri.

Let's say football only, because it gets too complex. complicated if you go beyond that. I do like Kentucky's attitude. One of my favorite tweets from the past few years was it was Kentucky had lost a game and there was some I forget which famous video it was of fans falling out of a

stadium and the first response beneath was a dude in a Kentucky jersey and he just said I feel their pain but fuck them. I think my favorite thing about the most unhinged fan base discourse is like everyone who's very close to a situation thinks number one is my team and number two is my arch rival those are the two most unhinged teams in the entire country it's like what are the odds of that the and the the flip side

is if they have recently beaten their rival then they think number one is my rival and number two is my team and like it's like okay well everyone is the same the charges and the jaguars are the most unhinged teams everyone is 95% the same counterpoint yeah count of that one yeah counterpoint. The thing is, I'm right. When I say that. You're like, yes. I have a strong case. I have a really strong case. I wasn't saying you were wrong about anything. What are you right about, though? Oh, I'm right when I say that my fan base is the worst and my art travel is the second worst. You know, when they talk about football programs not being able to handle success, that applies directly to message board culture as well. It's never the programs that are suffering. Usually their message board cultures and fandoms are completely. chill, funny, rye, have a good sense of Gala. There are a lot of UCLA years that prove this isn't true, but that's okay. Go ahead. But the worst, in the time when you would get the most rabid and unhinged, is when they're successful, right?

It's when they're successful. Like, that's, like, right now... Or Georgia. Now, Georgia fans don't actually have the sort of spiritual independence to be interesting on their own. It's just when they get a talking point. All 10,000 of them run to it like dogs chasing a pork chop. And they have the bark, so. Yeah, and they have the bark.

Is that rain? Is that us making that? It's raining here. Okay. It's soothing. It's peaceful. I know I like it. It's like a.

It's the white noise full. Holly, a sleep machine. What are rollover crimes? Okay. So I don't know what we're going to find to talk about today. It's a little weak. Because you know, you know, as usual, there have been no interesting news.

developments in the run-up to the show, including but not limited to half of the playoff state party GOP chairs being indicted for trying to overthrow an election. Shout out to Michigan and Georgia. I feel like Texas and Ohio just didn't want it enough, much as they did not on the field. Texas is very busy building Dr. robotic machines to stop migrants. And it's kind of funny because we picked maybe, if you had picked out the four likely estates, once again, you find yourself going Michigan, but man, they prove they

belong. Anyway, the former president was, has he, I'm not up on parlor or that shit, has he tweeted today or done whatever today? He's posting to that stuff as I understand. No, he's still, yeah. he's still posting strong okay cool we chief message board genius himself when he started when he at some point during his string of federal witness tampering that he was doing out loud on the internet before the indictment came out we're recording this on tuesday august 15th the indictments

in georgia all of them came down uh less than 24 hours ago last night um and I've started to kind of faintly wonder out loud to myself whether or not he was trying to employ a treadmill strategy of just keeping up, if we keep on having to record his additional crimes, he will never be brought to account for the past crimes because they are now so far down the list. And that is when Spencer and I hit on the notion of rollover crime. Are these like roll over minutes on a little track plan? Yes. I feel like we have a lawyer here

I feel like we can invent this notion together right here on the show how do we go about as a nation handling a president who won't stop crimeing and man didn't you think that if we ever got to that stage it would be a lot more fun than this

I don't know I love conceptually the notion of a president who won't stop crimeing the real thing sucks because the real strategy is this if you just throw enough garbage in the drain. If I put enough crimes on the board. If I shove enough popsicle sticks into

the toilet and try to flush it. Right. Eventually, we will clog clog the toilet of justice with all of the misdeeds we've done. Right? And the justice can't go down. This is not dissimilar to say taking out so many loans and getting so in debt from a large bank

that the bank has a problem. Not you. Oh, the we work solution. Correct. Correct. This is this is big brain thinking when you're going bankrupt we have to give you 10 million more dollars right i'm going to go so far into debt that you have to give me more money yes right and i'm your son now i can't go you're responsible for me right exactly yeah that this is the same strategy just applied to crime if i commit every crime at once and i just throw so much crap at the radar screen that inevitably

in order to address any other problem you will have to clear my debts off the board the board the board that how do we combat that the answer roll over crimes i i think what you are postulating is that if grand theft auto took place in the real world could you commit so many crimes that your wanted level reached like getting 999 lives reached in this case 999 stars yeah yeah wow yeah and reach such a level that the cops and their helicopters could not pursue you because they were creating a huge traffic jam and crashing into one another. You can do this if you have a police shootout in a

place with a choke point. Like if you do it from inside a room in GTA, you can actually block up. So it's great, there's just this wall of dead bodies. And then you hear everyone behind it like, hey, hey! Like, that's what we're doing. I think what you have to do is you have to, look,

I think what you have to do is give Donald Trump a cheat day. Sort of say like, all right, because we're doing too, because we know that you're doing all the crimes and you're doing too many of them we're going to treat your legal status as if it were the rocks diet and one day a week you can eat five pizzas worth of crime and that way we can sort of like make it a little more so that you can do stunts yes and and we can sort of make it a little more manageable to sort of understand like oh those

are cheat day crimes because because like is he only going to do crimes on cheat day you know he's not. He's not going to do that. So it's not like, he's going to eat himself a little larceny pancake on Tuesdays. He's going to give himself a little Rico lasagna on Wednesday. We're going to have an ice cream fraud sandwich. RICO lasagna is probably the name of one of these people. No. I see if there's somebody named RICO. Calamaris are back in the news. I'm so glad. RICO lasagna. Brian, do we have a location on Kevin Lazzania at this time? Somebody told me

Kevin Zania is playing in Turkey now. Which makes some Turkish lasagna. Tony Alfredo, please call in when you get a chance. Real person.

Real race car driver. I am mostly stuck trying to think of how they're going to measure a prison jumpsuit for Rudy Giuliani in his... I thought about it.

They make child... This is Georgia. They probably make a prison jumpsuit, right? So you cut off the top You take half of a child's jumpsuit And half of an adult's jumpsuit And you just stitch him together

Okay The problem is that you have to find somebody Who's the opposite body type To take the other two halves You're doing this like an old-timey horse costume Right Like we've imprisoned a Ninja Turtle before Right?

Yeah, that's true Just use whatever jumpsuit grew was wearing Because he's got the body by Drew. President Greene. You know that's not a documentary, right? Chris legs are so much better. Bullshit.

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over to the chat window and change the two in your message to my name. And I need you to each send me a test message to make sure that this is how you're going to answer so that you can all answer these questions simultaneously without giving it away. Holly has successfully completed the test. So did Spencer, so did Jason, and so did Cerber. And none of you saw each other's other messages, correct? That's right. Although note to anybody trying this at home, if you didn't know you could send a

private messages in Zoom. If your settings aren't tweaked just a certain way at the very end of the Zoom call, whoever's hosting the Zoom call, a transcript of all the messages, including the private ones, get sent to the host. Be careful who you're shit talking.

Just, you know, as we head into the school year, be real careful with those message settings. That's why you've got to text your friends. Well, public service, maybe you. Yeah. Okay, so here's how this is going to work. We're going to play, where are they now? We're going back all the way to 2013.

a season where we didn't have a college football playoff, where pretty much every school was in the conference that it made sense for them to be in, where Auburn was just fun at football, just good at football. And I am going to give you, we're going to go through five coaches and five quarterbacks from the 2013 season,

and you're going to tell me where they are now. Now, this is not a binary. You're not just going to get points if you're right or wrong. If you hit it straight on the mark, I'm going to give you three points if you nail it. If you are, what I feel is close or at least reasonably close, I'm going to get you two points. And if you are totally wrong, I'm still going to give you a point. This is kind of SAT style.

You're going to get points for the attempt no matter what. So we're going to start with an easy one just to make sure everybody understands how the rules go. And to give everybody some hopefully free points straight out the board. 2013, Auburn's coach was Gus Malzon. Everybody knows this. Where's Gus Mel's on now? He's here with me in Orlando. Spencer and Holly and Serber have entered a response.

Oh, we're typing. Yes, that's why we did the chess thing. Spencer threw his voice to Epcot. Curveball. That's what you call a curveball. Jason has to, Jason, do you have a response? There we go. All right.

Everybody has successfully identified. that Gus Malazan as the head coach at UC. You have three points for you all. Easy, right? Mm-hmm. Next up. Oh, no. 2013 was Bill O'Brien's last year at Penn State.

Where's Bill O'Brien now? If I could list a number of places that he's not... I can't answer that. If I could list five places that he has been since, but is not right now. Do I get like half a point? You'll probably get, that's probably worth two points

because you'll probably be pretty close. Wherever he is, he's kicking a field goal on the three playing a team that can score 35 and a half. That's what he's doing. Server and Spencer and Jason have all answered Holly's mulling, I can tell.

I know I can get two more of these. No, except I don't think he has been, okay, he's been three places except for the one he is right now and I can name all of them. Okay. Does that count? Let's start.

with the only person who submitted the right answer Spencer Hall what Spencer where is Bill O'Brien today he's the offensive coordinator in Foxborough Massachusetts for the New New England Patriots of the National Football League oh wow correct Jason I'm going to say you were next closest your answer was the National Football League the National Football League throw a dart baby I didn't know if he'd moved since he got there Holly what was your answer Penn State at Alabama or coaching the Houston Texans. That is correct. Is that all the jobs he's had since then, or did I miss one?

I think that's right. I think that's right. Serber, I'm sorry to say, your answer of Alabama was incorrect. So I'm going to give, Spencer, you're going to get three points. You hit it on the head. Jason, you're going to get two. Holly and Serber, I'm only going to give you one. I'm sorry.

No, that's fair. But it's a long game. Wait, how come I got the same amount of points of server? because you were both wrong? I put a ton of effort into mine. But it was equally wrong. Hang on, hang on, hang on, I have an entire ethos that is, if I don't know where someone is and they've been a successful coach before, I assume they're at Alabama.

I knew he had been there. I just, no, it's not. I would do a lot of emotional turmoil to arrive at this place that I just can't know all things. Holly, you and I both know, of all the people on this podcast, you can't call lazy. Serber is very high on that list. Serber's like a duck, man. He looks calm up top, but he is furiously paddled. Somebody should have brought that metaphor up at some point.

God damn it. All right. 2013, Fresno State won 11 games and had a final AP ranking of 15th in the nation. Their coach was. Anybody know? This is not for points, but just if you know. Jeff Tedford? Tim DeRuder.

No, yeah. Oh. Good guesses, though. Rudy. Between Tedfords. Where is Tim DeRuder now? now. Now, listeners, you can play this game at home as you go along. It's kind of on the honor system for you to give yourself points as you see fit based on this 3-2-1 structure. I'm not going to grade you on it. And if you keep track of your points, you'll be able to play our game next week as well. I'm so bad about this. All right. We have answers from all four of our contestants. We're going to go in the order that they were received. Michael Server, what was your answer? I don't know where he is, so it's Alabama.

You're going to get, you're going to get one point for that. I'm sorry to say. He's not, he's not in Alabama. That's fine. How do you keep getting points for this? You get one point for submitting an answer. Put my name on the SAT, Holly. No.

Jason. Stop triggering me. Jason, where is Tinderuder? I guess he went back to Texas A&M. Okay. What are you going to say he does there? I need a little more. A coordinator.

defense okay he's not he is a defensive coordinator and it is in texas but it's not a texas a and m so i'm going to give you two points for that holly i know this is wrong yeah i said minnesota it is wrong but it's fun yeah so i'll give you a point for that as well i did have a lot of fun imagining him on that staff spencer no i know i know i want you to answer i got it i got the position right and i got the school wrong because i just remember for the right school. Okay. But I don't want credit for it.

You're going to get some credit for it. Spencer said he was the defensive coordinator of Washington. Washington is too far. Like, I'm going to give Jason two points here. Everybody else only gets one point. Yes. Okay. All right.

He's at Texas Tech. He is at Texas Tech, yes. Oh, I like that. I should have given the actual answer. He's the defensive coordinator of Texas Tech. Oh, I like that. Good for me. All right.

2013 was Cliff Kingsbury's first. year as Texas Tech's head coach staying at that school. Where's Cliff Kingsbury now? I will probably give points to whoever says Thailand. Nobody said Thailand. Okay. All right. So all four of our contestants have successfully named the school that Cliff Kingsbury is at, but I need you to get maximum points. I need you to tell me what his position is is at that school. Are you typing this? Yes.

Okay. Need theme music. All right. All right. Holly and Spencer, maximum points to you. Holly, what is Cliff Kingsbury's current job?

Coach of quarterbacks. At USC, correct. Holly and Spencer. Slaying D. Borsese. both successfully picked that. Serber said he was an offensive analyst. Jason said he was an assistant to the head coach. Those are both good answers, but not quite right.

So you're going to get two points for those efforts. Class coach. Then we'll do some quarterbacks. And then we'll tally it up and see what's happening. 2013 was Willie Taggart's first year as head coach of the South Florida Bulls. Where is Willie Taggart now? Ooh, boy. Holly's very excited.

I accidentally minimized the... Okay. I remember that. Minimized the... Man. I don't know how I know this. Yeah, no. I just remember thinking, oh, that's weird.

Which doesn't narrow it down. I don't even have an answer. Okay. All right Let's go with the worst answer on the board Spencer Hall Said Nata Zip shit Ofer

Spencer Despite the rules being that if you give any answer You will get one point I am forced to give you zero points for this effort Asked and received So So Congrats on breaking the game

Halfway through I know I would Michael Cerber what was your answer F-A-U that was right not that long ago but he's since been replaced

by Tom Herman Okay So I'm going to give you I'm going to give you One point for that So the bare minimum You really hold that over Thank you

Holly and Jason You have both successfully identified Listen you're doing better Than Spencer in this round All right It's true Holly and Jason you have both successfully identified the

team, the Baltimore Ravens. Oh, Holly has thrown in his position as well. So right now, here's what I'm going to do. I'm both going to give you both three for successfully identifying the Ravens, Harbaugh Reunion. If you give me the position that he has as well, I will give you an extra point. So I'll tell you right now,

Holly is going to get four points for this round. Damn. Good job, huh. Jason, you can just say it now, because you're, so you don't have to type it. Um. Is it receivers coach? Oh, very, very, very close.

Holly, what's the right answer? He's coaching running backs at the Ravens for some reason. He's the running backs coach in Baltimore. Four points for Holly. Three points for Jason. Good job. I've never seen a man sicker of recruiting. All right.

We're going to do quarterbacks. Running backs for the Ravens. We're going to do quarterbacks from the 2013 season. He has been a receivers coach. Sorry, go ahead. Yes, yes. We're going to start with, again, hopefully an easy one, hopefully get everybody some points back on the board here.

Spencer, please submit an answer. 2013, the nation's leader in passing yards and passing touchdowns was, this is just for fun if anybody knows. I'm sorry, could you say it again? I was looking at Mountain Dew's Wikipedia page. 2013. At the FBS leader in passing yards and passing touchdowns. 2013?

2013. Oh, I do not. This is a thing where... Spencer, you don't have to guess here. You can just say it out loud. This is not the question because it's not where they are now. Okay.

It's Derek Carr. Derek Carr. Derek Carr. Would not have gotten that in 300 years. I had the right school. Where is Derek Carr now? This is a type of one. Somewhere different than he was last year.

New Orleans. Wait, is he? Oh, this is a typey one? Yeah, this one's a typey one. Oh, that's crazy. Let me type it. Okay. This is supposed to be an easy one, but I don't watch the NFL.

All right. Well, Spencer clearly copying off of Jason. I got you. But it counts. He is indeed a member of the... He's the starting quarterback for the New Orleans Saints. No shit. Yeah.

As of now, who's first... Wait, where's James Winston? He's a saint as well. Where's Tason Hill? He's a saint as well. That's how they're going to start. Derek Carr over James. That's going to be the weirdest fucking QB's room just in terms of

vibe. Do you like 30 picks? Jason and 42 touchdowns. Jason and Spencer, you both get three points for that. Holly, I liked your answer a lot. Playing pro handball with Jake Palmer. I wanted the best for him, okay? I think that is a safer choice for Derek Carr.

The league has done dirty by both him and his brother. That's true. That's true. Collectively sacked with 18,000 homes. I didn't have the right school when I put down my initial answer because I was mixing him up with his brother. It's all right. Serber said the Las Vegas Raiders,

which is close enough to recently write that I will give you two points for that. Yeah, I didn't know he wasn't there anymore. Who is their quarterback? The Raiders, I believe it's Jimmy Garoppolo. Yeah, if he's healthy. Who can keep up with this? It's like fucking college football. I will list every big 10 team.

All right. In 2013, Nathan Shieldhoss set the single season record at Illinois for completion percentage. Where is he now? Type in your answers. Wow. Wait, no, we talked about this, didn't we? I don't know.

We've talked about this on the show. Okay. Spencer, we're going to start with you. We have talked about this on the show. There's no way I know this by myself. Spencer, we're going to start with you. You have the word. longest answer. What was your answer? Coaching the bears in some capacity. Coaching the bears feels

spiritually right, but is incorrect. So I'm going to give you one point for that. No clue where this dude is. Serber and Jason, you have identified the right conference. Or no, you have not identified the wrong conference. How can you be so sure these days? I apologize. At the time of recording, at the time of recording, you're incorrect. Can you please share your answers for where Nathan Nathan Shalehouse is. I said he's still at Illinois. That's incorrect. I picked Minnesota.

You said Illinois, not Northern Illinois? He said Illinois. Oh, I thought you said Northern Illinois in the question, which is why I picked Minnesota. No. I'm going to give you, because you both picked college teams and he is, in fact, working for a college team. I'm going to give you two points over Spencer's one. But Holly, Holly has successfully identified who Nathan Shilhouse is present in place. lawyer is. Holly, will you please reveal

where he is today? He's coaching at Iowa State. Correct. Do you know what his position is at Iowa State? No bonus points here. He is the O.C. He is the O.C. of a school that... Point me! Well, I'm not going to give you points because Nathan Shielhast is going to need him because, like, half his

starting position players are suspended for gambling. Due to a gambling investigation. So... I mean, if you give Iowa State those points, they'll turn him into sixth. points. Eventually. Just as soon as these lines come in.

Just give me a minute here. Okay, this is maybe an easier one. We're going to find out. Teddy Bridgewater, his last year at Louisville was 2013. Where is our probably top three favorite Louisville quarterbacks

of all time? Where is he now? He was just signed like a week ago. Oh, man. So it's an NFL team that existed a week ago. So maybe the cults aren't off the list by the time we get off this call. Sure. Okay, we have answers from everybody except server.

Server, I'll tell you right now, nobody, oh, I'm sorry to say server is also incorrect. I didn't, yeah, I don't know. Okay, Holly and Spencer, you gave the same answer. Can you share with us what that answer is? I know he was a Viking at some point. I'm guessing he's not anymore. He was drafted by the Vikings, I believe. He's in the, yeah, yeah.

He's not a Viking, but he is in the Vikings division. To be clear, my answer was, is he still a Viking? Probably not, question mark. Spencer's answer was in the NFL, um, Vikings? Question. Yep. I am going to give you both two points, though, because you did identify the correct division in which Mr.

Bridgewater is currently playing. Jason, you said the Chargers, which everybody eventually ends up on, so I understand that. Unfortunately, it's not Teddy's turn yet. Server, you said the Broncos, who I think Teddy Bridgewater has played for as well. I was just thinking more like he might work as a backup to Russell Wilson. Because they have similar play style. Because Russ needs a mentor. Instead, Teddy Bridgewater is backing up Jared Gough for the Detroit Lions.

Who might win that division this year, so it's not the worst. I feel like I have inherent sympathy for Teddy B here, but... I'm going to give... Jason Serber, I'm going to give you each one point for that. All right. We only have two more. You guys are all doing great. I'm so proud of you, and I love you all.

Brandon Allen took the starting job at Arkansas in 2013. Spoiler. Didn't go great. Got better later. Where is Brandon Allen, former Razorback now? Hmm. There's so many guys There are so many guys

And there are so many I don't know how the NFL has fewer teams But there are more or less remarkable teams In the NFL It's a big roster It's a really big You know like NBA rosters are 12 Yeah

So listen I remember him starting a game All right Holly has submitted an answer That she is insisting is right Whether or not it is I said I've decided that it's right. Oh, you've decided that it's right. Yep.

Okay. Spencer, we only need a submission from you. Nobody else has nailed the right answer for what it's worth. Nobody at all. Oh, all right. We're going to go with our wrongest answers first. Michael Serber. Where is Brandon Allen?

I say he's back in Arkansas. That's incorrect. One day. Not yet. Jason Kirk, where's Brandon Allen? But I don't know. I guess Texas A. No.

that's a good one can afford him one point for each of you I think I'm gonna say Spencer Spencer and Holly are each gonna get two points of this as well even though their answers are wrong but they are closer to right

Spencer was I previously correct had he been there he's a backup QB for the Browns I just said I decided that he's on the Broncos whether or not this is actually true He is neither brown nor Bronco. As of today, and this could change, Brandon Allen is the fourth quarterback on the 49ers roster. As of today, you diabolical little. Which means he'll be starting.

He'll be starting. That's true. That's 2023 NFL MVP, Brandon Allen. He has been a Bronco. This is just flying across my desk now, so Holly is a half point for that. Okay, yeah, that's fair. Holly, two and a half points for you. Holly has scored four and two and a half points in this game

that only has scores of one, two, and three. Spencer is zero. All right, our last one. This is one first I want you to answer out loud. Who was Auburn's quarterback in the magical 2013 season? Was it Nick Marshall? Correct. Does anybody remember?

This is also, we're just talking here, you're not playing the game yet. Does anybody remember what position he originally played before quarterback? Safety? Correct. Defense are back. Yeah. Everybody's still right.

So, where is Nick Marshall now? It's time to type in your answers. I will tell you, if anybody gets this exactly on the nose, I will give you a full six points. I will give you double credit. Don't cheat. But if you get it in one, six points on the line. Did I get it? You did not, but you are, in some ways, righter than I thought you would be.

Rude, but thank you. No, that will make sense when I tell you what the real answer is, if that makes sense. Okay. Oh, oh. Spencer has submitted an answer. Jason has submitted an answer. Oh, wow. You've looked it up, haven't you?

Oh, wow. Okay, all right, all right. Hold on. We got server. Holly, I know this is not. Does the league I'm asking about even still exist? I forget. I don't think it does anymore. Okay. All right. Serber, despite, Serber and Spencer are most wrong. So we're just going to give them a point. Serber picked Colorado. Spencer picked DB coach at Auburn University. These are incorrect.

Why do both of you want him to be unhappy? Because Nick Marshall is still an active football player. Holly, Holly, you are also incorrect, but you were second place, and I'm going to give you two points for your answer of playing minor league baseball, because when I reveal the answer, you'll see that that's not entirely off base. Okay. And Jason, I'm going to give you three points. You're not right when you said the USFL, but Nick Marshall is a defensive back for the Saskatchewan Rough Riders and holds the franchise record for pick sixes. Good for him. Look, Wow.

Still scoring touchdowns. And that's, and I know the CFL and the USFL are different. But like, this is as, this is as close as I think you could have gotten. Leave it to Jason to get the spirit. I'm going to give you three points on that. Well, and also this one was on a six-point scale. Correct. So I'm still only half right here.

All right. So let's see. I'm going to add it up here. 5, 8, 12, 13, 16, 18, 20 and a half. Holly, you finished with 22 and a half points. Did I win? I don't know yet. We're going to find out.

There's no way. 10. 13, 14, 16, 80. Play the math music. I only actually do like two of these. There's no way I can. Spencer, 19 points for you. Yeah.

5, 7, 9, 12, 15, 17, 18, 19. 22 points for Jason, who advocated for the point for Holly. So that ends up being pretty important. And then server. Yeah, like 10 points. It's so bad. 10, 12, 14. 15 points for you, server.

Holly, you're the winner with 22 and a half points. We're sitting in the back of the class. It doesn't seem correct at all, but thank you, except. Jason, your neck and neck. Half of those point five points. Yes, I am a team player. Jason, neck and neck with 22 points. Spencer, 19 points, server, 15 points.

Good news, though. You don't know what those... We're going to use those points, but we're going to use them next week, and I'm not going to tell you how. This concludes today's game. Reader, I hope you did better than all of us, and I'm proud of you either way. I have an answer to a reader question.

Oh, good. if we would if we would like to that's that's where I was making clicky noises user beef cheese who I have not muted despite his handle being

IPA haver he asked us yesterday based off this Fox News story I'm just going to read the headline Florida woman doused herself in Diet Mountain Dew to erase DNA after

killing roommate her roommate was 79 years old the headline makes it seem like the woman is 79 years old she does have a neck tattoo a flagrant neck tattoo let's pause real quick drop it in the chat Spencer don't click on this yet I'm not clicking

what city in Florida do you think this took place on oh you're not gonna you're not gonna get it Boynton Beach. Not bad. Give them a point. The answer is Daytona Beach. I would not have guessed. Yes.

Okay. If you saw her picture, you would guess Daytona Beach. Mm-hmm. She looks like she's familiar with Bike Week. Yeah. Now I can click. Let me see. There's an anarchy symbol tattooed on her throat.

She looks nice. Like, seriously, that looks like someone I went to hide. Like, oh, Nicole, what's up? That looks like somebody I went to hide. high school with you know she looks very chill in her mugshot probably because she knows that the mountain dew has wiped away every trace of her crime well she allegedly just killed somebody so she should be pretty relaxed you know well she's gone a while without mountain dew i'm guessing sure sure it's because she didn't use code red code red it's the one it's a universal solvent

according to this article she was spotted barefoot with blood on her leg and a ripped shirt outside a crystal restaurant, and that's where the cops were. Who among us? When they approached, police said she dropped a knife and a hammer at their feet. What kind of fucking inventory did this lady have?

Did she have any health left? I have a serious question. Is she a warhammer model? She dropped a hammer and a knife. And a battle axe. god damn oh this is hold on holly have you read how how the mountain dude comes into play here um go ahead and read that part because i'm i'm finishing up real quick an answer to the reader question that came out of this story okay good so the police took her into custody uh they asked her about the weapons she had

dropped and she became agitated and demanded a lawyer which is a thing you should do they later returned with a warrant to test her bloody body for DNA evidence. She asked for a can of Diet Mountain Dew and police obliged her. And then she began to, quote, procrastinate with the drink. And as the detectives tried to pull the can away from her, she poured the can of soda all over her body and hair in attempts to interfere with the possible evidence on her body. Now, the question that we got from Reader IPA Haver, aka beef cheese, is Mountain Dew has numerous applications, but I doubt bleach replacement is manufacturer approved.

Not diet Mountain Dew. If you want a bleach replacement, and I say this as, you know, Mountain Dew is a, is a, is a, a beloved non-sponsor of our show. But if you want a bleach replacement, you have to go with Mountain Dew Overdrive, which is not very widely available. I'm now going to run you through a list of the various other more commonly available types of Mountain Dew

and their uses in the universe so that we can avoid this kind of mix-up in the future. All right, Strapping. Mountain Dew Darkberry Bash will summon any animal of your choosing, but they cannot be banished, use as directed. Mountain Dew Baja Blast is purely medicinal via the tropical lime used in some cultures

the way you would use quinine. Sangreda Blast is a mild sedative. Pitch black is a surgical anesthetic. Mountain Dew Code Red can revive you from drowning. Mountain Dew live wire is actually a defibrillator in liquid form. Mountain Dew Voltage is a blue raspberry and citrus variant with ginseng. Diet Mountain Dew Supernova will repel witches from your doorstep. do voodoo can actually be used as a blood replacement in a hospital setting.

Mountain Dew Major Melon is used by most U.S. conglomerates in drug testing. Mountain Dew Spark is actually just tractor starter fluid in a bottle. I'm not even sure how they got away with selling that as drinks. Mountain Dew-Citris Strawberry is a goji strawberry citrus ferriot that creates a living symbiote out of you and anyone that you share the bottle with. Mountain Dew Baja Caribbean Splash described as due with a blast of natural and artificial guava flavor actually causes blood clotting, particularly

impregnant women, so you're going to want to... But the good kind? Well, no, you just drink Mountain Dew Maui Burst, which is blood thinner, the opposite of Barry Monceum, which is what I often sold together. Balance in all things. Excuse me, almost done. Mountain Dew sweet lightning is used as an industrial

coolant, thanks to its boiling point of 253 degrees. Mountain Dew frostbite can strip furniture and nail polish at the same time. Don't spill in the car. Mountain Dew, Atomic. Blue is that stuff that comes in commercial ice packs. When heated, it can be

used as log flume water. Mountain Dew Southern Shock has an effect described by users as lube with pop rocks. I'm not really, I don't, I need a citation there. Mountain Dew thrashed apple is a substitute for breast milk and baby formula shelf stable, of course.

And Mountain Dew Uproar is a strawberry kiwi variant of turbine oil that is only available at Food Lion. I hope this clears up any questions. we may have. I have one more addition to this story, which is really more of a state

of what our media environment is like. So this is from the New York Post's version of the story. A recent study from North Carolina State University indicated that sucralose, a common artificial sweetener, also known as Splenda,

and found in Diamant Mountain Dew and other sodas, can break down the genetic material that makes up DNA. This is an actual line in an actual newspaper story. While researchers found that the sweetener could put people at risk for disease and wear down the lining of the intestines,

it is unclear whether dousing oneself in soda would actually eliminate forensic evidence. That life wears down your intestines. The New York Post would like more time to determine if Mountain Dew Shower will actually thwart the police

or not. That's a weirdly Antifa stance for the post to take. Can you imagine if this did work. Can you imagine if the cops had been like, fuck, this woman found the mountain dew hack and no she's going to get off. She's not going to serve a day for stabbing her roommate to death. I wonder if this is what the former president has been doing. I think a lot of these jams all along. Like, does Diet Coke work? Because he's made of Diet Coke. You got to put it on the documents. That's the main thing.

Oh, he's so smart. These soggy green documents, I never touched. I never had them. The body craves Mountain Dew naturally. That's why you need it. No, don't make me like him. He's a Diet Coke, man. He doesn't have the fortitude for the Mountain Miracle. Thank you. I agree.

I think it's caffeine-free Diet Coke. Oh, yeah, he's a Diet Coke guy. Are there people who are caffeine-free Diet Coke devotees? Does that exist? My mother when we were growing up. I know a couple of years. I used to caramel-colored water. People in my family, yeah.

The fact that the can looked like a battery always. threw me off. Yeah, it was that weird gold color. That, like, brassy gold that was sort of like, yeah, that was sort of like, hey. You can tell in test groups, though, in marketing, they just said, yeah, give them something totally fake looking. They know it.

Like, make it look like you're selling them some sort of horrible industrial cleaner. They're boomers. They don't give a fuck. Life's been over them for 20 years. Just give them the thing that reminds them of the thing. That's, man, that's a good, that's a good Coke Zero advertisement. The thing that reminds them of the thing. Yeah.

Once upon a time, you had a good thing. And then 400 things happened in 40 years later, you're drinking a simulacrum of the simulacrum of the thing. Caffeine-free diet Coke. Caffeine-free diet Coke is about as far away from cocaine as you can get. Water.

It's just water. If you tried to put cocaine in it, I imagine cocaine would just float above the surface. How did the cocaine fall asleep? It would repel itself like opposing magnets refusing to mix with it. Oil and water separate. Yeah. Water and cooking are both natural, whereas caffeine-free diet Coke is,

it's the most chemicals you can possibly put into your body without having any fun. This is a prank I'm going to play on somebody at some point. Next time I have somebody over to the house, I'm going to be like, oh, can I get you a soda? We have caffeine-free diet Coke. Just see what happens. What's the most pointless, like caffeine-free diet Red Bull? Yeah, because you're not even drinking anything that had a taste that you wanted to do. You're just like, I really want the taste of Red Bull. Yeah.

I would like to drink some chalk, but I don't want to affect me in any way. If you were drinking like a, like, if you were drinking. Caffeine free sparks. Yeah. Like, what's the, that's just beer. Yeah, what's the point? Or a Virgin 4-Loco. That's a Capri Sun.

That's a Capri-Sund. to four local pipeline exists. Capri son hard. That has to exist. Hold on. That has to exist. That's a Capri moon. In this golden era of pre-mixed cocktails,

do we not have any that come in pouches? Can I get a Capri gun? All right. That's a Capri Sun. Capri Sun. Capri Sun Max. There is a tropical hard self. are called Capri Sunset, but it does not appear to be affiliated with.

And apparently there was a trend where people were making their own adult Capri Sun cocktails. Sure. How? How do you get it in the thing? You squeeze it into the bucket. Hold on. Move over, Sangria. There's a new fruit drink in town, and it's made with just two ingredients.

I won't. I won't move it. Oh, no, here's what they were actually doing. They were getting a frozen fruit bag. and putting alcohol in it and then sticking a straw in the pouch

and just drinking like frozen mixed frozen like strawberries and vodka okay that's not a capris son that's just a bag of booze so like there you are right you're hammered off nine hard capri suns

and you're trying to jam the little little needle of a straw into a bag and you're so you need one more hard capri sun but that's straw is not going in because you're drunk. There you are at a stoplight with a straw stuck into a 16-ounce bag of frozen

blueberries, and you're confident that nobody is looking at you weird, including the cop pulled up next to you. I didn't play the bagpipes. When I lived in Florida, the weirdest thing I saw in terms of somebody consuming something in the car next to me, I was on U.S. 19 in Palm Harbor and drive. and I came and I stopped at a light there was a motherfucker in a bombed out

Malibu next to me like it looked like it had been kept in parking in Chernobyl like that's where he parked his car and he was shirtless and he was drinking straight out of a fucking blender like the carafe right like he had just

taken that in the car and I don't know what was in it it was bright and it was red and slushy and he was just drinking straight out of the blender caraf, and I remember thinking, I will never be that fulfilled in life. I will never be like, yeah.

This is the self-actualized man in the world. Well, you know, I could leave this drink here. No must-no fuss clean up. I choose to believe that man took the blender cup into 7-Eleven, filled it with

icy, dared them to say anything walked out without. Do you think the base of a blade at the bottom? Do you think the blender is plugged into the cigarette line? I hope so. I hope he's just, I hope everything goes in there like, time for lunch. And he just took the whole Arby's roast piece straight in that thing.

But he just got distracted. Yeah. What if he was like, oh, crap, I'm driving. Shit, I was supposed to kill that guy. Boy, this slurpy's good. I do also remember thinking now, like, you know, in an era with cell phones, that's probably safer. The guy driving, drinking an entire thing of Dacqueries.

You're like, this is probably safer than the guy It's like, well, let me check Instagram I've raised this argument to law enforcement. I respectfully disagree with this argument. You know, nowadays with social media, it's really safer than ever to drunk drive. This is the craziest thing you've ever said. This is not even worse than the episode

that we spent half of the argument that we should let kids smoke. You know, with AI and everything, it's any more, it's the only safe thing you can do is a D. why? Why is the AI telling me to send my children to the minds? Drink GPT, should I drive? What makes you less woke than drinking? The liberals want you to stay awake behind the wheel.

They're just using Chad GPT off your phone to talk to the cop through the raised window. Oh my God, I heard you say Chad GPT, and I was like, that's it. Bro. Chad GPT, what do I say to tell this cop? Sick. You want my ID. Why don't you bing it, bro?

Am I being detained? That's what it says. I should say to you right now. Don't tase me, bro. That doesn't... Oh, Chad GPT. We're not using that reference anymore.