MUSIC DISASTERS: Live in Birmingham
00:00Hello, full cast pals. It's me, intrepid music idiot, Ryan Nanny, here to welcome you to the recording of the live show we did in Birmingham last fall. That is, you guessed it, about music disasters. Per full cast tradition, I do not remember anything about what this recording contains, and I disclaim any legal responsibility for the things I said during the show.Before we begin a little podcast business. First, a thanks to our friends at homefield apparel.com, your source for all the coziest, best-looking,and most distinctive collegiate apparel.Does Holmfield have your go-to big schools like Wisconsin and USC and Texas A&M and Clemson?Indeed they do.Do they also have the Idaho State Bengals, the Campbell fighting camels, and the Delta State fighting okra?Absolutely, because above all, Holmfield wants you to not be naked, no matter what school you attended.And you can avoid the horrors of nudity with 20% off your first order when you use offer code full cast.
01:00at checkout. F-U-L-C-A-S-T, 20% off your first order.Homefield Apparel, cover up those nips.That's not the official tagline, but if they want to steal it, that's cool.Second, merch madness continues at pre-owned airboats.com,the official merch shop of the shutdown forecast.From now until the end of the month,proceeds from all our stickers and cooosies and mugs and so forthwill be split between three deserving charities that need our support.
01:28the trans-life line, the Transgender Law Center, and Point of Pride. We have some new ProtectTransKids University Sharks material in there as well, so hop over to pre-owned airboats.comand get your purchase in today. Okay, that is all I've got. No more interruptions for me.Enjoy this live show, which again, I take no formal responsibility for, so do not email me.And......and...Hello, Huntsville.Thank you for having us here in Mobile, Alabama.
02:49The Oyster City.We are delighted to be here in Tuscaloosa.Love Lafayette this time of year.Welcome to a music venue where you're going to watch people read off their computers.At noon 30.What a cool world we've built.We are an electronica band here to push a button.Oots, oots, oots, oots, oz, oz, oz.
03:17Hello, we are the shutdown full cast.Mm-hmm.Delighted to be here in Talapusa, Alabama.At Furness Fest, who's here for the fest?I will see y'all all the weekend.We will do shit like that.So if you've listened to our podcast before, all right?You know how we tend to start after like 17 minutes once we remember to start, right?
03:48There's a word.What's that word?That's right.Here's how we're going to do this, all right?We're at a music festival.We're in a concert venue.We're going to do it together, all right?We're not going to make Spencer carry this load all by himself.
04:06We're going to share this burden, all right?Everybody is going to hit the welcome, all right?And I mean everybody.And we'll do this shit again if we have to.Go ahead.Maestro.Welcome!Whoa.
04:31How was that?Fuck no.Nah!Run it back.Run it back.All right, all right.We're going to do this until we get it right.Okay, okay.
04:42Boom.Welcome.We got one more in us.We got one more in us.I can feel some of y'all are holding.back. I know it'slunchtime.On Thursday. I know it's lunch
05:03I know it's lunchtime herein Columbus, Georgia.Yeah. Who block this out on their outlook calendar?Raise your hands.God bless you.Liking it.How many of your bosses know you're here?Okay.
05:17That means a lot. Don't.The rest of you, the rest of you, we won'tsnitch. That's fine. Yeah. For thoseof you of the pastoral or the moreChristian leaning, I want you to go ahead and just connect withdivine here. Go ahead and get that good Jesus energy going here. And if you're like me,just tap into Satan. Just look down and be like, you've never done me wrong, Satan. I need youto just give me a little boost here on a Thursday. Just hit them with one of these or one of these.
05:41Either way, whichever you got. All right. So we're going to do one more. Yeah. Horns down is allcombinations. Yeah, this is Southern Hemisphere Satan rules.Coriolis effect. Hail Satan. It is, yeah. All right. One more time, one more time for Satan.Welcometo the shutdown full cast.I am Spencer Hall.All right, thanks y'all.I am joined, as always, by Ryan Nanny,
06:22by Jason Kirk, and on the set behind us.On rooms!Holly, do those drums work?Woo!And I wanted to say,thank you all for coming to our lunch and learn today.If you're wondering if this is going to gounder your continued education
06:41and or community service credits,fuck no.This is time.You just threw it into a hole, and we thank you for that.This is going to be our music disaster.I like, you're looking at me like,please tell me if I'm wrong.Meanwhile, he's got...
06:57Twitter open on his computerright now. It's not where I'm supposed tobe, but it's there. If you haveany requests, tweet at Spencer.He will see you.Pop it up live, y'all. I'm there.But this is going to be our music disastersepisode. Congratulations. You have paid the money
07:13you get to get a disasters episode.We asked our listenersand, of course, as we call you, readers,because this is a visualmedium. We asked you tosubmit your musical disasters.We have some outstandinganecdotes of futility and comic
07:30ineptitude from around the nation. However,we always share our own first.Can I put one thing out before we get to that?You can.Is this about last week?No?I don't know what happened.I don't know.
07:43Yeah.One, the thing I liked about these submissions,usually we submit disasters, and they all sort ofgo in one direction, and I'm fine with that. That's great.But music disasters split into two entirely different groups, broadly speaking, the incredibly nerdy, the band disasters more or less, the marching band disasters, and the incredibly metal.Like, there are very, we don't get like dad disasters where any of them are like, so I took Xanax covered in acid.Like, no dad disasters started that way that I recall.Yeah.
08:20I just like that this displays the full spectrum of human experience.The other part that I really like that makes a lot of sense is so many of these were adolescent era,because one of the tragedies of adulthood is most of us stop playing music once we turn like 23 or so.So like a lot of these stories were in like the dumbest parts of our lives, the most fruitful, I would say.Also close correlation with ska. There's a lot of ska.I say that's a value-free judgment on my part.I'm just like, there's a lot of ska in here.SCAA and disasters, shaking hands meme.
08:56I want to start with my own because I remembered it and I'm like, oh, it's fantastic.Because sometimes you say, I got kind of a bad story.This one is great because it involves being utterly clueless.So in college, my high school girlfriend and I had a long-distance thing, which for...Clap if you think this person was real.I believe in you.It's better for her if you don't.Which country did she allegedly live in?
09:25Long Island.Never heard of it.Yeah.See, they called it that because it's an island.It's very long.So we do the thing where it's like, yeah, we're not going to break up,and neither of us have emotional literacy.Bye, and we'll just talk to each other, and we're still dating.
09:43So I get a mixtape about a month after college has begun,and it is nothing but songs that are like breaking up, leaving,I'm in love with somebody else.Bye.Like, it's, like, nothing but 23 tracks of that, right, on a little sort of cassette.And I remember listening.Yeah.So, and I remember listening to that.
10:04And first of all, I got the tape, and I was like, oh, it's a person I've had sex with.Cool.Because you're 18.That's what you think.You're like, there's two kinds of people in the world, right?And so I got it.And I was like, oh, cool.And I listened to it.
10:20And I remember thinking.This is a really good mixtape.This is fantastic.Y'all, it had left behind by candlebox on it.And this guy was like, surely this is a normal mixtape.I'll see you next month.Were you picking up on any threads or themes, like, other than the one that was apparently intended?Nope.
10:42None.Just like, man, this is good stuff to put on when I'm doing laundry.Yeah.Like, these are all songs.Yeah.Which if Ryan wants to point out that it's...It's a lie, you're like, oh, well, I was doing laundry, and I was at college.That was obviously a complete lie.
10:56Laundry.Laundry.But, yeah, and then saw her the next month, because guess who no sold it?This five.So, moral of the story being, don't assume the mixtape you send to somebody is going to get the message across unless you write in big red letters across the front.Breakup tape.Breakup tape.But even then, it's like, it's a tape about breakups.
11:17Yeah.It doesn't apply to us.Not my problem.You're going to have to leave the country.This makes me value our solid relationship even more.Yeah.Hey, buddy.Hey.
11:29My music disaster comes from fourth or fifth grade, somewhere around there.I, my wife really worries about me because she's like, you don't remember that much about your childhood.And I'm worried that, like, there's something terrible that happened to you.And I grew up in Florida, so I understand why she thinks that.But I have a very clear memory of being a very clear memory of being in.in the lunch line, and the kid in front of me,and I know his name, but I'm not gonna air him outbecause he didn't do anything wrong
11:58and he doesn't deserve to be associated with this,turn to me and said, hey, do you like Green Day?I have never been particularly up on new music,and I certainly wasn't at this point in time,but I panicked, and I said, yes, when is it this year?And seared into my brain as clear as mywedding day, the births of my children, whatever, is the face he gave me as he silentlyturned back to stand in that lunch line and I just had to wait and stew in that moment forever.
12:34And in some ways, I've never left.Ryan, is it possible you thought it was like Earth Day or something?A hundred percent, yes, a hundred percent.In that moment, did you feel like 10 percent fatter or more awkward than you did as a kidusually?Because that's usually what happens.You get embarrassed.That's such a low percentage you've fixed.
12:51No, yeah, it was easily the, oh, you, I remember thinking, like, you could have just said, I don't know what that is, and that would have been fine, but instead you'd try to be chill about it.About what you thought was a holiday? What? What are you doing?Did you then go home and try to research the holiday?No, I think I just was like, we have to leave this moment behind in time frame. There's no fixing it.I tried to will myself to explode. Kevin and I will never be friends, and we never were.It'll shock no one that mine involved, like getting in trouble at church.So there was, who knows the band New Song?Woo!
13:34I see some hands.Actually, more of you know New Song than you think.Who knows the song, Christmas Shoes?New Song is the group of old men responsible for the song that Pat and Oswald made fun of.It's about a mother dying and everyone's trying to cry about it.Yeah, laugh.So this, get it?So this band, New Song, has been like a Christian market institution for decades and decades.
13:59When I was in high school, I was in a variety of, like, you know, metalcore bands that werelike, yeah, we were trying our hardest and whatever.There was this woman at church who was hastily trying to assemble a group of artists who couldopen for New Song at the county fair.I put an anecdote like this in my novel in case anyone is, yes, this was me.So, yeah, our metalcore bandOpen for the Christmas Shoes Band.There is a photo that I really, really wish I still had
14:27of, like, us dip shit dirt ballshanging out with, like, evangelical royaltyand the looks on their faces.They know that they do not belong in this photo.There was also a lock-in.Who knows what a lock-in is?Yep. Yep.Yeah, we're in Alabama.
14:46So as a person who snuck out of a lot of lock-ins,I also got kicked out of one.There was a time when, I think it was like the youth pastor's wife,was putting together, I'm not blaming women for putting together these bad set lists.It's just what happened.She was like, you guys are a band, right?And the four people she asked were not a band.We were all in bands, but not with each other.
15:11So we were like, sure, we're a band now.Because, like, you know, we remember this new song thing.She's like, I need you to, like, play the middle school lock-in.And we're like, awesome, we'll do it.So we, you know, being just dipshit teenagers, we, like, freestyled a set of, like, one of us was doing goth rock.I might have been freestyle rapping.Like, it was the worst shit you've ever heard in your life.And she came up and she cut the mics and she said, guys, the children have had enough.
15:38And then she kicked the four of us out at, like, 3 a.m.Like, how bad is she?How annoying are you?if an adult is like, I don't want to know where you're goingat 3 a.m. I need you not here, right?Like the only secret to teenagersis you need them to stay put somewherewhere you know where they are.
15:56She just said, go out into the world,I don't give a fuck what happensbecause it's better than what you're doing here.So.You know what?Satan had your back that night.We probably went and played Tony Hawk for Satan.America, baby.
16:12On the drums.We got a music disaster.I've got one that's an old story,but I've been told it's been long enoughthat it needs to be brought back.All right, let's go.Okay, who remembers the Universal Hollywood story?Oh, thank God.
16:25Okay, this is Alabama.Who's been to Universal Studios Orlando?Okay, big-ass theme part, right?Days and days to get through it.Who's been to Universal Studios Hollywood?It's different, right?It's like Disneyland is to Disney World.It's a pocket park.
16:41It's built on the side of a mountain.a lot of the attractions that you see at Universal Orlando in Hollywood are compressed.This will come to bear.So, for example, in the Olden Times, you go to Universal Hollywood,and in the back lot section, they have, you know,hey, here's a ride with King Kong in it, with a presentation about how we made King Kong,here's a Jaws ride, here's a Back to the Future ride.It's all these, at the time, like classic movies, 80s, right?
17:09In Universal Studios Hollywood, which is a very small park,these are all one ride, and it's the studio tour.You get on one of those trams that's like chained end-to-endthat pick you up in the parking lots at Disney,and you go through the back lot, and you see Jaws,and you see King Kong, and you see the tornado from Twister.And I was, and this is right after college,I was in my first grown-up job, I was shooting a commercial.
17:36I had a team of like eight people.It was December.And it was pouring down rain, and our chute was rained out, and our van was not coming back to pick us up.And you can drink at Universal Hollywood is the other thing.So we each got as many car bombs as we could carry and went to see the Terminator show.The Terminator show is terrifying when you've just ingested, like, four car bombs.And we get out of it, it's raining harder, we're drunk and wet, and we could either hang out in the parking garage until our ride gets here, or we can take shelter.Everybody else in the park has the same idea.
18:22The line for the studio tour, which is in these covered trams, you know, is in one of those snaking cues, back and back and back and forth.There is a Spanish-speaking tour that does the same thing.The line is empty.I have a crew of eight people who speaks half a dozen.languages between them. This was a soft bank commercial. We had Korean guys. We had Russian guys.You know, the cinematographer, whatever, was from Kazakhstan. Nobody speaks a word of Spanish.There's half a dozen languages in this group. No Spanish. But there's no line for the Spanish tour.So we get on. And everyone's just kind of sprawled in their seats, kind of huddling and their little
18:59soaked through ineffective L.A. jackets. And the tour is doing his thing. Like, oh, we're approaching, you know, we're approaching Amity.village, look at all those beaches, but he's doing it in Spanish, so it sounds more dramatic.Like, you know, but stalker's better in Spanish, right, even when you don't understandwhat they're saying, because it sounds cooler. And we round the corner, and I've been inL.A. for a couple of years now, I've taken this tour a million times, and we're rounding what Iknow is going to be like the first big surprise of the tour, which is where the lake, the placidlake that you're driving through in the studio parts and Jaws comes out. And I'm waitingfor the Jaws theme to start.
19:37ahead, I'm like, I wonder if these guys we just flew in from Korea to shoot this, I wonderif they like, no Jaws.Is Jaws a thing?And I hear music coming up, but it's not the Jaws theme.It's gasoline by Daddy Yank.And so the tram is parting.This is from this shark come who stored us, and here's in the background.Like he's a fucking closing picture
20:08And soAt the time this is a hit song, right?This is fairly new.Entering the game for your New York Mets.So we get through thisHold the two-run lead for the Mets here.We get through the shark rideAnd we round the block to King Kong
20:30And we enter the New York CityscapeFor King Kong.Gasolina.it's playing again.They had, it's like they really wanted to make the Spanish tour special, but they had a verysmall budget, and they spent it all on Daddy Yankee. Back to the future. Gasolina. Watchthe, watch the tour. Fast and the Furious. This actually fit, watching a giant car wreck togasoline. Twister to Gasolina. It was. Times like this, your Glad Schindler's list isn't on the tour.
21:04Yeah, wait for the second level of that one to sink in.There we go.There we go.I like that the booing is here to instruct Ryan that Hitler was bad.Thank you.Your service is appreciated.Where's our Michigan State fans?How's it going?
21:28I'm sweet.I've never taken the Spanish tour again,because if they don't still do it this way,I don't want to know.And that's my music disaster.They need that song,the Real Closer song with the trumpetto bring out jaws, right?
21:45Yeah, sure, sure.Jason, since you are the most metal memberof this podcast,would you like to begin this Furnace Fest editionof music disasters?So, y'all sign in some good shit, all right?to just summarize the ones that kind of likealmost made the cut there were so many
22:10they were all wonderful and they were all greatthat were basically like I broke a high school bandinstrument in a dramatic wayshit like I was carrying a tubaa big ass drumbased on the stories I think high school bands are nothingbut tubas in drums which sounds awesomethat that sounds like a real heavy sound
22:30there was lots of band pranksthat went wrong, and lots of, like, I was in a garage band that sucked, and I stand with you,all right?As for, let's see, I wanted to hit a couple, I wanted to make sure I hit these.Is there anyone named Michael here?Michael, all right.Michael, you went to a Guns and Roses show in Philadelphia, 2002.Ruckers, Sweat shirt.
22:59Oh, Michael, this is Michael.Yeah.Ruckus!Yeah.Rugger's football, everybody.Fucking perfect sweatshirt for this story.Yeah.In Philadelphia, the band no-showed,
23:14and Wikipedia lists the show as canceled slash riot.Michael, are there any other details that you could share as to...Yeah!So furniture was being projectile.all because Guns and Roses didn't show upPhilly is our best American cityit is the only one that actuallyestablishes consequences for management
23:49and people who do not fulfill their contractsright every other city somebody walks out in Birminghamthey'll be like well they deserve to do thatbecause we gave them money because we're southerners and we're likecapital class oh my god everyone in Philly is likeyou didn't give me my sandwich I'm burning your fucking house downWe need more of that.We need to learn that shit.
24:06So I might update Wikipedia now,now that we have on the scene report.There we have it.Canceled slash riot.On this tour,there is an entire section for cancellations on Wikipedia.Did anyone else riot, though?No.
24:24Everybody else just took it.Yeah, everyone else just took itbecause they tolerate it.Not Philly, baby.Yeah.Not Philly.Now, I also want to thank Michael, by the way,by wearing a Rutgers sweatshirt,
24:33you have indicated that every day there is a prayerand you are living on it.So, thank you.Ryan.Sorry, I'm still looking at the Chinese Democracy World Tour.I'll stop.I'll give you a one-liner.All right, this is from Emma.
24:50Got booed out of known mafia hangout.Again, we try to tell you,we try to give you tips on how to get your story selected.If your story includes the phraseknown mafia hangout,your chances of skyrocketed.Got booed out of Known Mafia HangoutPizzerina Regina in Boston's North End
25:07after accidentally,I'm not sure that part's true,selecting Frank Sinatra's coverof Send In the Clownson the Jukebox.Were you trying to selectanother Sinatra song or the Broadwayoriginal cast recording of Send In the Clowns?
25:26I want to talk tothe person who is in charge of the jukeboxwho is like, yes, this goes in.Absolutely.There's a story there, and I bet it belongs to one person.They're like, no, oh, no, no, no, no, no, that's Carl's.There are so few places where you're like,you know what we want to hear in this public setting
25:45where we're trying to have a good time?Send in the clowns.But to make a bunch of potential mafia memberslisten to Frank Sinatra sing it, it's pretty good.It's a pretty good way to accidentally almost get killed.I just see the deleted Simpson scenewhere there's a whole table full of,like super like goon-looking dudes
26:03who are like, where's the Gilbert and Sullivan?I need to hear I am a modern major general.I would like to throwto Holly. Holly.As we tell you guys so frequently,with a couple exceptionsand they are legendary,the best ones of these are short.
26:26I'm going to give you a one-liner herefrom Alec.This camewith no punctuation, just a series of eight words.This was the subject line.This is like refrigerator poetry.Yeah, sometimes if your subject line is really good, by the way,sometimes we're just going to read your subject line
26:44because it exceeds everything that follows.Alec.English pub, jam session, free bird pan flute solo.This is not the only freebird's storythat we got, but it is my favorite.Artificial intelligence will never replace us.Never.No, because there'll always be some 58-year-old man named Ollie in a British pub
27:11who's like, keep going!A Broughtman Sanchez!You're killing it, mate!I was hoping this would exist.Play sending the clowns.Play gasoline.Imagine living with the person who's like,I have to practice my freebird pan flute solo.
27:31We have a show company.Please.Call me Dave.My father was Daddy Yankee.There was another Freebird story about someone on stage being heckled into playing Freebird,so they decided, fuck you, and they played a 40-minute freebird.Clear the place out.Beautiful.
27:54I want to do this from Andrew, because it contains two of my favorite things,church and cussing.15-year-old me being asked to lead a song at the Church of Christthat I was raised in.If you were raised in Church of Christ, shouts out to you, by the way.You've been in the army.I see that hand.No instruments, just the voices of the old folks,
28:13which as we all know are the most melodious of all.As I walk on stage, I drop my songbookand hear the phrase,Son of a bitch!That sounds a lot like my voice,ringing out over the church's speaker system.no it was an angelwasn't me
28:33wow that's crazyI do hope the burning bushcussed like crazytake your fucking shoes offyou goyou go tell that motherfucker the pharaohimagine getting cussed the fuck out by aburning bush
28:50that's why they cussed though because you know first couple of times you're likemaybe I ate some bad bread this is ergot boy's namethey call it the burning bush because it flamed my asswhat are thosegod damn i'm getting cooked in the middle of nowhereand it took two or three passes rightlike the bush had to be like noyou fucker you
29:09one more thing assholethis one comes to us from johnall rightI was in the red coat band at UGAall rightwe'll see how that one would go over in 2000million dollar band where y'all aty'all can't be mad
29:28If they're Alabama fans, you're fine with them this week.Good.In 2008, we did a show featuring the music of 70s rock band, Boston.One set of the drill was intended to look like the cover of the band's self-titled debut album,which features a UFO sending some sort of spirally beam into the earth with two smaller ships flanking it.However, apparent to everyone except the poor T.A. who designed the drill,it actually ended up looking like the world's largest anatomically correct diagram of the female reproductive system.I remember this going viral, so I was delighted when this showed up.
30:08This elicited a lot of laughs when setting drill one day.One of the directors referred to a certain part of the formation as contracting.I asked John for some more details on this one.The whole band was in on the joke, so that, you know, sometimes shit happens and it becomes.comes the joke, and the song, in fact, was for play slash long time.And still, a bunch of people couldn't find the two books.I do like imagining the people who were thereare like, I have no idea what that is.
30:44I have no idea.Yeah, you know, there's like 15 uncles in the crowd are like,woo, Boston!All right, this is, I mean, of course it is.This is from Matt.Hey, Matt.I was asked to do the public announcing for a high school girls soccer team,and I learned when I got on site that also meant running the scoreboard and the pregame music.
31:10I announced, please rise and remove your caps for the playing of the national anthem,and the CD changer flat out dies.Panicked, I feel no choice but to say, due to technical difficulties,I'll sing the national.Why was that the first option?Why was...You know, sometimes people decide I'll be the helper.I'll be the one to go into the burning building
31:37that happens to be singing the national anthem.And that is a moment when you really...Like, you really have to think,fuck whoever pick that song.Because they've really made my life terrible.We're going to sing the Cars for Kids song instead.That's what I'm doing.shorter. Everybody knows it.
31:58You can hit all the notes.Yeah, yeah.I can't imagine, like, I'm sure this, Matt, I'm sure this is terrible for you.I'm sure everyone in the stands, like, I would love to tell you about the worstnational anthem I've ever heard.Because there are, we have seen prepared singers go out, sing the national anthem, andjust duff it.Just absolutely leave it, leave it flat.
32:25To go in cold, to go in with no prep whatsoever.I'll be honest, I would not be confident that I would remember all the words.That's what would fuck me up.So there I was, raw dogging the anthem.It's also, and then we'll move on,this has to be singing it in this situation.It must have felt like 10 minutes.This must have been the longest the national anthem has ever felt.
32:55That's why I can't wait for us to be a dead empire.Because in England, they're like, we're starting the game.Here, go, starting the game.That's it.We can just do that.It cuts 15 minutes off, man.Holly.Let's run this back a little bit further.
33:08Anish, you in here?All right.Middle school band in Virginia,circa 2007.Oh, you're young.Gross.We're all warming up at the beginning of class.Folks, see if you can guess where we decided.
33:25to use this story in the show.Friend of mine says his tuba sounds clogged.Tried to empty his spit valves to no avail,turns over his tuba and outfalls if I gave you 10,000 guesses.Let's, no, let's give the crowd three guesses.Okay, hang on, raise your hands, and I will call on you.Hat, right there.A hat.
33:52Yeah, you hat.poopguess one is poopholly is the answer poopnookaydead animalalso technically no
34:09okayokayone more guessis anyone else want to haveover here over hereit's not dead animallive animalon a long enough
34:18timeline all three of you are correctthe answer isa fully wrapped, freshly made gas station breakfast burrito.I think that animal counts.I bet there was a brief moment where these kids were like,Magic Tuba.Like, do it again.Wait, wait, wait, wait, do it again.
34:45Make a wish.You've solved world hunger thanks to Magic Burrito Tuba.Keep shaking it.This phenomenon is wasted on middle schoolers because they're probably not stoned yet in band class.The miracle of the fish and loves looks so lame now.Thank you, Jesus, Tuba.Thank you, Jesus, Tuba.Also, thank you for putting Steve Harvey in my head doing this.
35:10He said breakfast burrito.He said, breakfast burrito.Slaps his leg.Can I jump the line here because I'm a very similar one?it's not as funthis is from Jordanyou get a lot of tuba storiesthis is from Jordan
35:28I'm a former band director8th grade8th grade tuba player complained that hecouldn't get any air through the instrumentunscrewed the firstvalve and saw piecesof the largest cockroachI've ever seen
35:44wedged in therepieces I told you it wasn't as funnothing's as funas miracle tubaSometimes you get a sandwichSometimes you don'tWould you like to own a tubaThat without warning
36:01Either could spit outThe biggest cockroach you've ever seenOr a breakfast barretteYou're asking Spencer those diceSometimes you get a sandwichAin't that lifeAt what point do I have to change the oddsSo heavily in favor of cockroach
36:16That you're like I'll buy a breakfast burrito30%30%How manyHow many times do I get to see what the tuba has given me per day?Once a day.Every morning, you can shake out your tuba and see what it spits out.And it's either freshly wrapped delicious breakfast burrito or huge cockroach.
36:36I will construct a device that will eliminate a cockroach upon recognizing it.The sandwich will simply fall through into my hand.Great?I won't.No, I don't know how to do that.I realize I'm also describing what it's like to be a college sophomore for some people.open the fridgewho knows what's in the fridge
36:54what wondersthe way to stayoh it's a cockroachJOLdude why is your dog in the fridgeI would like to share a storyabout a man who's in hellthis is from Aram
37:11is Aram herehow good we can talk shit about itAram is in MichiganyesAnn ArborNovember 1971Michigan Ohio StateOh this one's old
37:21Do it in your old timey voice.Yeah.Ann Arbor, November 1971, Michigan, Ohio State.My dad is in the tunnel with the Michigan marching band waiting for their pregame show.A few feet away stands Woody Hayes, who is watching Script Ohio.Woody turns around, looks straight at my dad, and deems a skinny silent sophomore holding a trumpet to be a grave threat.This is actually very realistic that Woody Hayes would just see somebody and be like, that's a threat to America.That trumpet player is a comie.
37:51Woody exclaims,Don't do that, God damn it!And charges like a rhino.I'm not even going to do the voice.Windbreaker flapping in the windand pins my beanpole of a dad against the wall.With zero indication of what he was doing.None.
38:06Whatever it was, don't do that.Let's be clear.He's also wearing that dork-ass,short-sleeved, like, button downwith the black tie.So he looks like satanic Drew Carey.Falling down.Yeah, he's perpetually falling down.
38:20Yeah.This is actually why Michigan jangles keys in the stance to this day.It's to distract the spirit of Woody.Woody.To drive him off.Oh, the story isn't over, by the way.No, the story's not over.Woody then has to be extracted from a dog pile of angry Michigan band kids.
38:38He just handed the opportunity in the lifetime.And I've known enough people from Michigan that some kid from Detroit was like,dude, I couldn't wait to beat ass today.somebody gave me a chance to beat some assand it's Woody fucking Hayesit's onthree hours laterWoody rips up the down markers
38:59in a blind rageand the Michigan band gets to go to the Rose Bowlso if you want to know likeif you see this historic clip of Woody Hayestearing up the down markersand throwing him out like an absolute moronhe was on that all daybecause he attacked the Michigan band
39:14the wildest part of that storyis that it's before the pre-game show.Holy shit.And there are some coaches that you hear a wild storyabout and you're like, that seems exaggerated.There's almost no Woody Hayesfought someone's story that you're like,
39:31that can't be true.If they're like, Woody Hayes sucker punchedPresident Nixon, be like, I bet he fuckingdid. Punch President Nixonfor not respecting his father enough.Yes. Yes.Also, this shit was at like 11 a.m.Yeah, this is a big 10 game, right?
39:46So this is like, you've barely got your coffeework good. And meanwhile, Woody Hayes is like, I'm going to teach that punk a lesson. I've been up foreight hours. Yeah. Leader of men.Although, I will say, I will say, after having said that he was in hell and condemning him as a personand as a coach, I will say this, if I'm a band member and Woody Hayes is out there brawlingfor me, I'd be like, you're all right. What do you think in the diseased mind of WoodyHayes, human rhino? What do you think he thought this bandmember was doing
40:20that he wanted him to not do that.He was just thinking about Vietnam.Just thinking about it.Cool. I think what he sawwas probably very different than what everyone elsesaw. Oh, 100%. Yeah. I think hehad the upside down vision going onright where he put on the glasses and it's like
40:38Woody attacked the band member.The band memberhas like horns and shit. Woody, it's timeto kill Spider-Man. Yeah.This man is accessing Woody VisionIt is, yeahScanning, scanning, a beatnikYeah
40:56He just saw, like, it was like the green goblinHe had the horn rims on his bedside tableI was like, wake up, it's time to killIt's like, I see hair touching a collarRun ISO 33 times in a rowThose sideburns are a centimeter too longI mean an inch, sorryThat's when Woody has to attack Woody
41:20Shut down, shut downLet's go on a journey with JesseTook a Xanax covered in acid the night beforeI told you these stories don't come up in dad disastersWe can't get into the first sentence of thisIt's like nine different parts of disasterWe bolt it together.Jesse, are you here?
41:46Jesse could be anywhere.I'm glad you're still alive, but...I was asking if you had a Xanax covered in acid.Bring it on.That was my second question.The night before my band played Fader Ford.Woke up on acid, but didn't remember because of the Xanax.Solving problems.
42:06That's called Science.She was leaving a little gift for yourself.She had great taste that go great together.Had to play in front of 2,000 people.I'd played in front of maybe 150 people up to that point.We played after Vince Staples and before Kevin Gates.Very popular rappers.Birmingham.
42:27Zero business being there.I took different drugs trying to even out.Didn't work.Aw.Walked out on stage and answered a banana like a phone.You haven't heard of us.Years later, the guitar player moved to the Nevada Desert to mine for gold.He's still an Eagles fan.
42:54But the band or the team?Yes.The band also took $10,000-ish dollars from Martin Screlli.Without signing anything.Used it to mix our record on the mixing console they used for The White Album.And then had to trash it because it sounded awful.An English guy named Stu, who lives in Florida.Fixed it on his computer, though.
43:30That's it. And scene.Make of that what you will.This feels like a fucked up reading prompt where the question one is,what is the disaster in this storyI don't know that Iknow it might be the guywho moved to Nevada of mine goalsI think it's still being an Eagles fan
43:50I feel like we didn't get enoughout of our South by experienceI thought like he was saying this and I was likeoh this is from the disastrous early 80swhen like 12 year olds were onAcademy but nothis is Vince Staples name popped upso you fucked up
44:07pretty recentlythis one's still gotthe born-on date on the fuck up.Is it your turn?That's my turn. It's my turn.It's Holly's turn. It's the drummer's turn.All right, quick one. Ed.Oh, man.
44:25Clarinettist didn't tell me she was transposing.If you know, you know.Okay.I want to go ahead.I thought it was hilarious.I put that on the sheet.I didn't know what the term meant,figured some of you would, so.
44:43The Ambrose Beers Devinesdefines clarinetas an instrument of tortureand says that the only thing worse than a clarinetis two clarinets.This one's from Colby.Colby, are you here?Colby!
44:58Colby, Brevity is the soul of witand you really embrace that by just puttingthis. My high school band went bythe name, the Rock JamCockfest.We were a praise band.Yes, Lord.Thank you, Father God.
45:23Colby, was there any argument over whether you should be the cock jam rock fest?No, we would lie and see we're in the Rock Jam Christ Fest.I love that.I love that.Let the record show for the listener at home that the laundered band name was the Rock Jam Christ Fest.This is the radio-edited version.Okay.This is from Susan.
45:49Open mic.Literally just an old man named Buddy.Strumming a guitar on his lap.Screaming.And Jason, I'm going to let you scream thisbecause I think he'll do it better than I will.Robin Williams is dead.Robin Williams is dead.
46:11Like, we know.The open mic is the First Amendment of music,and it is a complicated subject, I would say.I would have given him $1,000.Man, it would have been so much funnier if that's how Peter King had found out.Could you do that one again, dude?gonna run it backthank you by the way
46:47you did scream it much better than I'm worriedI got you that was really goodHolly more screamingThomasin high school a bunch of localbands did a cover showand the headliner was a band coveringslip knot
47:02they did it upin costumes the worksthey also had a kegand people would hop on stageto hit the keg with a bat.Duh.Donkey Kong country style.Oh, there was bananas in there.
47:22I just fucking knew it.My friend went up, hit the keg,bounced the bat off the keg,ricocheted back, and split his head wide open.We helped glue the wound closed in the parking lot,sing along if you know the words,I'm from Florida.That last bit was redundant, but we appreciate you including it.
47:50Jones, where are you at, brother?Jones Willingham, the person who is responsible for this event has a story to share with us.You put your mouth on that mic.I'm a squat right next to right.This is normal.Yeah, I don't know what to do.Get in here.Just come over here.
48:04Oh, God.Yeah, this one's up.Snuggle up.So I've been working in the Birmingham live music scene since I was like 18 years old and I actually started here.I was managing the box office and helping book some shows.And I was 20 years old and in college and me and a partner of mine booked an old school 90s DJ to come in here and do like a club night.And it's not until show is supposed to be down at midnight.It's not until 1230 that I come out to see what's going on.
48:33There's like 20 people dancing out here.There's no one here.and I see the two bottles of gray goose that we had bought himjust discarded, just empty on the stage, and he was fucked up.I mean, like, having the time of his life.I have class the next day.I'm 20 years old.I'm in college.
48:49And so I go find his manager, I say, hey, we need to kill the show.Like, now, we need to be done.He's like, oh, all right, mate, okay, we'll be done at one.Come back at 115.Another handle of vodka's gone.Still dancing.So I go to the sound guide.It's not where the sound booth is now, is like right in the pit here.
49:07And I tell the sound guy like, hey, we need to kill it.And I literally watch it's like Looney Tune style.He takes the plug and pulls it.I have to go on stage, drag this DJ back to the green room back there, and he's out.I mean, like, not just drunk, but passed out.And I have to weaken Bernie's style, grab his arm to sign for his check because we still have to pay him.And that was, like, my first, like, oh, shit, okay, cool.This is, like, this is the music industry, I guess, moment.
49:38So, yeah, that's the story.Happened right here on the stage.Yay, yeah, yeah, right here on this very stage.I'm sorry I slandered you as a Georgia fan.That reminds me, where is my vodka?Yeah, I know a professional DJ who shall not be named who passed out.He was going through a crack phase.He's no longer in that crack phase.
49:59Good for him.Does crack have phases?This guy had several.And the promoter that related...It's not like when you get in the pottery or something.Why not?Okay.Everything has phases.
50:13Both involve glassware.He's in his crack era.Yeah.Yeah, sorry.Hey, kids, he was in his crack era.But he passed out on the decks and they're like, well, I don't know.What do we do?And they're like, I don't know.
50:23Get him more crack.Got a more crack.Two more hours.It's good.He's fine now.That's why the story's funny.This is from Daniel.Is Daniel here?
50:36Daniel, who has a story about my favorite genre, musical theater.I would like to, just to peel back the curtain a little bit here.Jason, we always have a spreadsheet where we put all the disasters.Usually one of us is in charge of assembling spreadsheet.Jason hopefully put this sheet together.There is a column here that says attending,which is meant to indicate whether the person who asks the question is here or not.We are asking for several people who have not
51:00indicated that they are here but we're still doing that column i didn't see that column maybe theychanged their mind reading three columns is demanding far too much it's good it's like imagine ifyou had an elementary school teacher who started calling attendance for people anywhere in theworld maybe they maybe they were trying to sneak in because they're very shyalonzo morning are you here maybe live with us in a world of unlimited imaginationsorry please go aheadjunior year of high school our halftime showwas the music of Greece
51:34at the end of Sandywhich I guess that's a song in Greeceright what do you think it isit's either a hurricane or it's a songand I'manticipating they were not playinga full musical number in the middle ofa hurricane okay because their musical director
51:52is not Brian Kelly sofuck himis he hereFuck him.That can technically be a joke about on-field stuff.That's actually what I had in mind,but I made a much darker joke on accident.You accidentally stumble into that.
52:09But fuck him, for real.Spencer, to triple your money,is Sandy in Greece the film or Greece the musical?I know that they're different in terms of songs included.He's not happy that he knows that.I would say Sandy has got to be in the movieif it was in a high school, like, marching bandship.Is that correct?
52:31Yeah, that's right.All right.So good at this.Yes.Spencer knows musicals.I know musicals.So at the end of the number Sandy, which I definitely knew,the entire band would take a knee for four counts and come up for four counts.
52:47During a performance head and away game, one of our sousaphone players tore her ACL.Oh, God.Please imagine, by the way,and I hope she's recovered fully and is in good health.But please imagine everyone getting up at the end of this.If you've been in marching band,you know the waiting to move is very tense and anxious.Now, please imagine somebody just fucking plots over here
53:11in a pile of metal, like they have been snipered, right?Oh, fuck.And you can't ask what's wrong because you're like,show must go on, have to get off the field.Step over her.It's fine.Only the music of Greece can heal her.Exactly.
53:26Play beauty school drop out and watch her levitate.Excuse me, that's Teen Angel, idiot.Is this like a really like peppy, spirited song?Like, is this an upbeat song?It's a ballad.So this is a good one to hurt yourself during.Those sound like gunshots too.They probably heard it, right?
53:44And then she's laying there.And then what the fuck do you do?Because the band director, who has to deal with amateurs all the time, right?Oh, you're a band director.You're fine if she dies.we got through the songyeah like the second mostthe second biggest demographic in our audience
53:58after lawyers is probably middle school banddirectors I know what y'all are likewhat do they do like they're just like just toad her out therelike a vibraphonejust like she's percussiongo grab hermake sure she returns her instrumentyeah
54:11that belongs to the schoolsleep on your own timeshould I tell my other disaster storyto betray my bitterness with marching bandplease I think it's timeOkaySo the freshman year of high schoolI was not interested in being in a marching band
54:29I wanted to be in the symphonyIn my high school you have to do bothBecause we were in football townAnd so I was like I'm going to do a drill team insteadBecause I'm not going to march the fucking piccoloI'm going to lose the piccoloAnd we did aSome kind of southwestern Spanish
54:47I don't even rememberIs Malaguana I betNo, it was Camino Real.Okay.And the outfit that it was all fine until in August in Tennessee, they gave us the outfits we had to wear, which were a pair of black overalls, a big white jacket with shoulder pads that had like red sequin flames on it.None of these were the problem apart from heat prostration.The problem was the hat.Everyone on drill team had to wear a cowboy hat.
55:21like one of those flat-top, like Spanish-style Sonoran cowboy hats.The hats all came from like party city or something.They're all one size.I have an enormous head, and I had hair down on my waist at a time.The hat would not go down around my head and just sat on top like a circus bear.And so in all the pictures, most of which I have found and burned since, you can see there's like normal person, normal person, normal person.person who should be balanced on a ballwith a trainer
55:53normal person, normal person, normal.My mother was so angry at thisthat despite working 60 hoursa week in the same school system at the timeshe took over marching band uniformsfor the next three years. Like this was herhaving to watch me do this was likeher Vietnam.
56:09And she was like, never again.And she took over costumesfor the rest of the thing.Did she get you an even smaller hat?See, that's what.But yeah, you would have made a great mom.Thank you.That's the real shit.
56:30I'm going to tell another marching band story.This is from Biff. Really?In 2001, while a member of the University of Minnesota marching band, all right, I took a shortcutto the sidelines before halftime by walking over the curled up field goal net.I woke up, face down on the Metro Dome turf, tangled in the net.My saxophone smashed nearly flat underneath me.I put all the pieces I could find in the bell of the saxophoneand marched halftime playing the three keys that still worked.
57:06I had a saxophone-shaped bruise on my chest for two weeks.Gophers beat Michigan State 2819.A bit of triumph over adversity, Biff.I have two that go together.First from Justin.Midway through the first song of worship service,our guitarist appeared in the back of the sanctuary slash gymnasiumand rushed onto stage to join the team.
57:39He quickly took his coat off and chucked it backstage.His coat landed on a stage light.Within seconds, I saw some.smoke coming from his coat, which, I assume, at this kind of church, it's normal to see smokemachine, right? This is a different kind of smoke. He yelled a very audible, fuck! At the song'sconclusion, he ambled up to a mic with a massive hole in his jacket and apologizedfor his language. From Tom. In 2010, our youth group from Arkansas took our productionof Godspell, a musical, I gather, on the road to the Navajo
58:17nation in Arizona. That's a long-ass trip, man. Sure, yeah. During our dramatic climax song,depicting the crucifixion, our guy playing Jesus was strung up to a wire fence frame,but it wasn't secured. So the fence and our Jesus came tumbling backwards, bringing the musicand the lyrics, oh God, I'm bleeding. I feel like God.God already knows this, to a halt.Our guy playing Jesus, sheepishly got up,looked at the confused crowd, and said,well, let's try that again.
59:00Spencer.How much money would I have to pay youto take a high school youth grouptouring a production of Godspellon a road trip across the countryand film itfor everyone else to watch.$750,000.
59:22Okay.I'm announcing a Kickstarter today.If you are in the market for a youth pastor.Yeah.At least.Can I cut in line because I got another one.That goes thematically here.This is from Brad.
59:42Our marching band director really wanted to impress the other bands by showing up.I assume this is at a competitionwith a synthesizer and a microphonein our show.Fuck yeah.The contraptionsomebody built for thiswas a red radio flyer wagon
01:00:00holdingan already blown outbase ampand a Cassio keyboardon a PVC pipe frame.Here comes the kick phrasepowered by a car batterybungee corded to the side.
01:00:14we had a guy on drumline who couldn't march and playthose are marimba playerssee you got that oneso he would stand on the sidelines and play the symbolsright during a halftime showhe rested the symbols against the car batterywhich got them so hotit melted two holes through one of the symbols
01:00:42then he tried pickingthem up. It burned the hell out of his hands and also killed the car battery?Thank you, Brad.Yeah, but now he can fly.I like that this band director constructed an improvised weapon to kill zombies to impress other bands.Oh, yeah.I would like to share this story from Eric. Is Eric here? Eric's not a little.We all know about the column now.
01:01:16As an editor at my college newspaper, I was able to go to a statewide journalism banquet back in 2003.A local reporter had just been killed covering the early days of the war in Iraq.At the close of his remarks, the host for the banquet asked everyone to join in a moment of silence.At that exact moment, the DJ, who was setting up in the back, slipped.And the opening 10 seconds or so of Baby Got Back came blaring.Folks, what are the first lyrics of this song?Oh, my God.Look at her butt.
01:02:02It's for the troops.She got them yellow cakes.This is like, this is like, the air,The time right after 9-11 is just, like, the funniest, darkest shit ever.Because, like, at every event...You know how we all by that.You had to be there.At every event, like, you'd go to a figure-eight school bus demolition derby,
01:02:25and they're like, we've got to play when I'm gone by three doors down.For the troops!You're like, fuck.Jason.Let's see you here.From Austin.Austin, you're not here.my sixth grade English teacher played one song
01:02:46and one song only on repeat in the background during classfor the entire yearunwritten by Natasha BeddingfieldI would like to defend this choiceif you are a sixth grade English teacheryou have been through hellyou enter a den of torture every dayand this brave soul decided
01:03:14this year, I will be the torturer.I will be the destroyer of Psyche's.And Tasha Fettingfieldwill be my accomplice.You know the end of the intro songis the pins in my hand ending unplanned, right?She's plotting a stabbing.Yes.
01:03:31I'm good for her.I think it sets the tone.It's like, you think you will break me?I will listen to this song every day, all day.What could you possibly do?Anyone who's worked in, you know, retail or maybe an amusement park or something where there's piped in music over and over and over, you can, a song you think you might not be into, on listen 1,000, you might be super into it.So I can see this working.But at least in those settings, see, this is why it's also torture, at least in the settings you're talking about, if it's a playlist or something, there's a cadence where you understand the passage of time because it's like, okay, we're hearing this song again.
01:04:08when you're just hearing unwrittenover and over and over againtime and space in your very existencethey melt awayand slowly are confessing the crimes you don't even know aboutyou just feel the rain on your skin every daythat's a song by the way that I know800 the time that came around it was the funniest shit
01:04:28you've ever heard yeah exactlybecause every single time you're like she's not going to playoh god there it is it's coming backI run out of words real fast on that song by the wayI'm like yeah I know all the words of that songI don't.I don't.I think you're so close, you can almost taste it, though.
01:04:46All y'all know that song, huh?It's got that stupid guitar intro where you're like,maybe this is, nope, it's unwritten once again.Sounds kind of like a sweet child of mine.It's not.No, no.No, I think that's the best choice ever.This is from Elizabeth.
01:05:01Slipped and fell in the rain,marching bass clarinet in high school at an away game,bruised my throat with the mouthpiece so hard I couldn't talk for a week.The Coda.A football player on the other team heard about, quote,the dork falling down in the mud, end quote, at school.He remembered this 10 years later after we were married.I dare you to make that movie Lifetime.
01:05:36she's a big city lawyer who had a terrible incidentI had to go home to my hometown to find loveafter I bruised my throat with a base clarinetsomeday I'm going to marry that girl who got impaledgotta save my family's bass clarinet farmHolly.He didn't have to say shit.He didn't have to bring this up at all.
01:06:12But you know one day, he's like, you know,married three years, things are pretty good.Wait a second.I have no safe jokes after this point about this.I know.I know. No, let's hear them.Nope.Dart match. Let's hear them. Come on.
01:06:30What the fuck, man.This isn't your show.She's survived what?I'm loud and that means I'm funny.Oh, I got a local one.I lived here for two years. I get to laugh at this one.Clay, playing a gig at a $50 a plate steakhouse in Columbus, Georgia.There's only one place this could be.
01:06:56Have you been there?Yeah.Okay.Okay.I was going to ask you.It's good.If it's where I'm thinking of, yeah.Okay.
01:07:05Yeah.Gentlemen shouts at us,myself on guitar,and friend on fiddle.Do y'all know any racist songs?You're carrying a fiddle in Columbus.It's a fair question.That's amazing.
01:07:30That's clear communication.You know,there's some problems here.I bet that guy's not too bad in a relationship.He's communicating his needs clearly.Oh, nobody's ever gone on a Tinder date with this manand been, I was sold a bill of goods.Yeah.
01:07:50I just...Nothing like your profile.I just can't tell where he stands.on the issues.Like, he's overt, it's like naming a movieHot Tub Time Machine. You either know this is for youor you know it is not. What if in his mindhe's decided certain songs are racist?
01:08:08Oh. And he's like, yeah,Insings, God must have spent a little more time. That's a racist song, and Ilove it. God spent more time on certain ethnicity.That's right. Interesting.Klein is going to prove a point for me here.Klein writes in, it's very brief, but it's to the point. And I think it proves that Philly is ourgreatest city, American city. I mistakenly played the clean version of dreams and nightmareson the touch tunes at a Philly dive bar. I love this one. We had so many stories about, like,
01:08:39I was DJing at a middle school baseball game and accidentally playing uned, unedited DMX,right? Like, there's a lot of stories like that. They're all great. This one is good because of thetwist. You deprived Philadelphians of Cuss words. What the fuck is that?Am I a baby?You think I can't handle it?The bartender just standing up being like, who's the bitch?Charlie, that guy said you can't handle dreams and nightmares.Get him.
01:09:11Look at the fucking Giants fan over here.From Nicholas.Took a rock and roll music theory course during my senior year at Michigan.Sounds legit, Michigan.Is it a good school?Allegedly.The professor was a dork who used the courseas a means of reliving his glory days
01:09:32as a roadie for cream.He brought his 15-year-old son to classto help demonstrate different guitar styles.I'd say comfort that even Michiganhas a class like this.Yeah.Where it's like, yeah, some roadie brings his kid.And we are the greatest university in the world.
01:09:52What was your class like that that you knew of?Age of the Blockbuster.We watched like big blockbuster.My final project for Age of the Blockbuster is not a music disaster.This is a class I took through the honors college at Florida.My final project.One of the movies we watched.Yep.
01:10:13One of the movies we watched was Carrie.I made a diorama of the, a shoebox diorama of the prom scene.In college.Yes.Yes, in college.What'd you use for blood?Yeah, maybe blood.Blood.
01:10:27Okay.Maybe blood.I will die for my art.I brought the diorama.We went outside to one of the dorm common area outdoor grills, and I set it on fire.Got nay.And my career is going great.Yeah, there was a class at Florida that my girlfriend at the time took, which was...
01:10:57Did she live anywhere near you?Was this at a different school?This one did.And you can tell she's real because you could go back and look that this class does exist,which was Age of the Erotic Vampire.And it was...The answer was 24.And I heard it and I thought, well, maybe we got some kind of like, you know, gender class,
01:11:20historical kind of take on thisand then you looked at the reading list and you go,y'all are just reading pornfor money.And that's what they did.And I was reading it. I was like, oh my God, yeah, this is porn.They're like, some of it's gay porn.I'm like, oh, okay, cool.
01:11:37Imagineyou're applying tomed school, law school, grad school,whatever, and you're like, well, it's timeto print out my transcriptas Age of the Erotic VampireC on it.I just couldn't hack it.
01:11:52I took a film class where it ended up being about, like,westerns and what they say about America and da-da-da.And I remember, like, every couple weeks,someone would say, can we watch Tombstone yet?We did not ever watch Tombstone.This is a world before Netflix,when you had to go to college to watch the movies that you want.Blockbuster, college. That's all we had.
01:12:17So in this class at Michigan,where this 15-year-old kid is,demonstrating guitar.No matter what style,the professor, his dad,requested his 15-year-oldmop-haired son would simply shred.Legato, is that I say that word?
01:12:37Yes.Shred.Tremulo?Tremolo?There we go.Shred.Got it, dad.That's so proud.
01:12:50Sick as hell.How do you even fill outthe professor feedback formfor this class?One word? Awesome.Shred.Just write shred.I know someone did that though.
01:13:06There was like 28 reviews that were likeI was very confused by this classand there's a 29th review that is likebest fucking thing ever.Go blue, right?Richard.The column indicates you're here.Richard. How's it gone? You were the communications pastor for a Birmingham area
01:13:26megachurch. This is you? Boy, that arrows it down.Okay, good. Good. Good. That doesn't narrow it down either.And you played a profanity-packed song as the music bed to an Argentinian mission trip video.And you say you learned a lot more Spanish that day.So how do you say Church of the Highlands?At what point during the display, did you realize something had gone wrong?We had a gentleman from Argentina that was going to stand.We ran back into the media day and said, you can't play the song anymore.
01:14:18And I said, why not?It's saying Argentina's fucking corrupt.Oh, that kind of cussing.Okay.So that was the classes I ever made an entity.Why did they sound German?I have something to tell you about the history of Argentina.You're not going to like.
01:14:44Argentina is a city and town and called.of immigrants.It's immigrants, yeah.Yeah.Why is that dude in the soccer jerseynamed Kreutzman?It's fucked up.Can I pull one more real quick?
01:15:00Wait, wait.Sorry.Was this Sylvia Rodriguezlive in Argentina?Okay, never mind.That means there's twopotentially offensiveArgentine political tracks.
01:15:11And now you know not to use that one.Yeah, yeah.Real quick,again, in the spiritof repeated songs.This is from Aaron.Dad and uncle were sailingduring a real,
01:15:23road really bad storm.They had the radio onto listen for emergency broadcasts.The radio's featured song of the weekwas the theme song from Titanic.Which played every 30 minutes.Now, I'm assumingthis is not like whatever the instrumental
01:15:38theme song.I'm assuming it's, my heart will go on.Yeah.Leslie Dion.That's a long song.It's a long song.andI think it's maybe
01:15:49if you are going to capsize on a boatand dienot the worstto hear on your way outI know one songthat would be betterokayand that would be
01:15:58gasoline by dayyou're going underand you just hearI have a pairI would like to double up hereand this is from likethe sort ofbad indie grunge
01:16:15band life, if you've ever been a roadie or worked a show or been a fan of one of thesebands, it's awesome because the distance between you and their complete emotional andpsychological breakdown, it's really minimal because they're not making a whole lot of money,right? You don't see that with big stars, but if you're a fan of a band that has like a thousandfans, you're like, yeah, I saw them like lose their house. It was amazing. They're stayingwith me right now. They're awesome. So there's two. One is from Nick. I ate shit anddropped an amp loading in for a show at the Tucson crust pump.funk house. Join me for the phrase
01:16:47Tucson crust funk house.It alsoimplies there's only one, which I don't believe.I think the city only allows one.They're like, you get one. Wayne Avenue.Turns outthey had stolen a pallet of wippetsthat morning.
01:17:02A pallet. They come in pallets?Let me tell you about Tucson Costco.Can I just say, if I'm the copsand somebody calls mefrom Costco or whatever, it's like, yeah, we lostpalette of Whippets, Tucson Crust Punkhouse is the first place I'm going.For anyone who doesn't know
01:17:21the genre crust punk, yes you do.You just heard the words crust punk.That's all you need to know.And left 100 empty canistersstrown about the floor.You got home alone by the Tucson Crust Punks.I'll also say as somebodywho has done Whippets, I know.
01:17:39I did them with the Florida basketball team.Actually, when I got there as a freshman,Dan Crump. Wait, with the Florida basketball team?Yeah, like Florida Gators, like they were all hanging out of partyand they're like, yeah, you want to do whippets?And I was like, I want to see a 6-8 guy pass out, yeah.He's going to fall so far.It's going to take minutes.
01:17:55I've heard, by the way, by a friend with kids in schoolthat whippets are popular again.Is it bad that I feel like that's kind of quaint?Like, it's kind of charmingly retro?At this point, yeah.Parents are muttering in the audience right now.If you wonder what crust punk sounds like, by the way,the headache and sensation from doing 100 whippets
01:18:13is exactly what it sounds like.The second one is this, it is from Nathan, saw a band open up for Electric Six in Madison.God damn, that's Midwestern, called Truck Stop Girlfriend.In the middle of their set, they pulled out a Victoria's secret bag full of melted jello shotsand threw them into the crowd.The only other thing I remember from their set was their song,Riding the Hump, which featured the lyric, you can't get praise.if you're already pregnant.
01:18:47Amen.Hey, what's the song about?Argentine inflation.I have one from my fellow Jason.To be clear, this was not quite me.For a few weeks in high school, I was in a new metal band.They have a DJ.Our DJ's mom, as a birthday present to him, had booked the ballroom at a dumpy hotel for us to play a show.
01:19:19For weeks, we practiced two songs, but never once actually played one through.Somehow, we were undeterred, and the show went on for less than a minute.It was so bad, I didn't just quit the band.I quit the genre.Got into ska instead.That's right.That's kind of a big jump sonically, but not so much era-wise.You had some cover there.
01:19:44I have since made the mistake of telling my daughterabout the time I was in a band.Now any time she wants to annoy me,she will look me in the eyes and speak the band's name.Death by default.Yes, you were in a new metal band.Holly, do you have another one or can I jump in front of you?No, go ahead.
01:20:02A lot of these, I don't think we've really doneany music disasters where the sound of the disasterreally stands out.It's disasters that are associated.with music, but this is one where, like, correction.This is one where I wish I had been therejust to hear the results of the story.Again, this is from Matthew.
01:20:26They're all from Matthew.Let's just, if the full cast had a Bible,the four Gospels would be by Matt, Matt, Matt, and Matt.He's our Spartacus.My dad decided it was finally his timeto help my high school marching groundby hauling out the school's only vibraphonefor dress rehearsal
01:20:44unsecured in the back of his2002 Dodge Dakotahe immediatelytook a parking lot corner at ahighly unreasonable speedflipping the vibraphone onto the asphaltI have to knowthe sound right? Yeah
01:20:59like the closest comparison I haveand it's very differentat one pointmy brother was taking atoilet to the city dumphe had loaded it into the back of his truckhe had not closed the gatehe took the fuck out of the driveway
01:21:20and I never thought I would get to hearwhat it sounds like when a toilet comes flying out the back of a truckand smashes into a million pieces on the streetno but I bet that's closebut it's a beautiful it's a surprisingly beautiful soundhaunting yes that's what it isI tried to look this up by the way by Googlingvarious things like vibraphone accident
01:21:42and like vibraphonefalling downstairs and I just founda whole bunch of people playing stairway to heaven onvibraphone. LikeI'm not going to do this so anybody is freeto take it. I would watcha YouTube or Instagramchannel that's just here's what it sounds
01:21:58like when things fall.Yeah. Here's what it sounds like. Like will it blendbut just like drop it drop it from a greatheight. Yeah. Like it's mythit's myth busters but there's nomyth. There's just bust.that's like visualASMR I like this
01:22:12I've seenI've heard the noisethat it makeswhen somebody is hit in the headwith a symbol in a fightno no no back uphow's it go back back back back back back upband fight
01:22:20okay band fightthe sound how's it goyou know that thingwhere you can't say the name of Godbecause it would destroy your mindsurelike it's incomprehensibleso we just write like
01:22:33exclamation point away rightthat's what the sound wasit was absolutely amazingAlso, these two peoplefucking hated each other.Yeah, I'd say so.Yeah, so there was some, like, real spice to it.What is the best band?
01:22:46I wasn't in band.What is the best band instrumentwith which to arm yourselfin hand-to-hand combat?By far, I think assembles are real good,because it's got a strap and it's metaland you can just take it right up.Not a lot of reach, though.
01:22:59What if you run up on a tenor-sax?If you run, well, tenor-sax is a very thing.Trombone's important because it comes apart.Yeah, it's flimsy.With a symbol, you also have a shield.Well, no, with a trombone, you have a sword,and a shield.Symbol and a shield.
01:23:10I will tell you, I got into afight with my trumpet once, and thatthing will swing. Sorry, what?Yeah, so, not with my trumpet.Okay, okay. Sorry.Fuck off, trumpet.Every time I tried to play it, Ryan.The world of beauty and the beast
01:23:25is not always as it sometimes appears.Damn it.Sometimes you got to fuck up a cabinet.Yeah, but if you swing it, it's got those valves on it,and those will pop somebody pretty good.Okay.If you need to, yeah.At least fling spit at them.
01:23:37Again, would watch this YouTube channelas well, fighting with bandins.Band fights. Oh, no.It's something like a bassoon because, like,it's long enough to where you could get, like, a swingon it. But if it's, if it's, like, not a school instrument,it's one of the good wooden ones, you could shatter that on somebody.You get one swing with one of those, though.
01:23:55I need repeated swing.I would, like, a John Wick film where John Wick is...You could swing, but then, okay, so you swing it, it shatters,and then you have a jagged weapon with which to stab.I would watch John Wick scene where he's pulling the bars offa vibraphone or a xylophone, and it's fucking flinging them at you.And it plays a little, like, a little, like, twinkly variation on the theme of the movie.You say, you say the Looney Tunes version of John Wick would be unrealistic and demeaning to the franchise.
01:24:21I say, make that shit now.I think that's just Looney Tunes, though.She was violent as hell.We're out of the Piano Museum.What's next?The Vibrofo Museum.I have to kill these guys in the Vibrofo Museum.Oh, no.
01:24:35Have I told this story about, have I told the Viborfo Museum?phone story or the Glock and Spree story on the show?I would remember a vibraphone story.No, this is a, you know about this.This is the Springsteen story.Okay, we're in a...The story is a lot of names.We're in a sports, we're in a, this is a rabbit hole I fell down earlier this year,
01:24:52but we have Springsteen fans in the audience, I assume, right?Okay, this is a Jason.This is a Jason. This is a Glock and Spiel story.Okay.So, so...What?He's doing nothing.It's fine.
01:25:03Go ahead.It's not a disaster.I just think it's hilarious.Yeah, sorry.We can call this out in post.You guys are, I had never, and I'm not a Springsteen person,and it came on the radio while I was having to listen to the radiowith some, dealing with some family stuff.
01:25:22And anyway, I was in a position where I was not able to change the Springsteenbecause there were gentlemen, there were older gentlemen in the car.And like, oh, you know, Thunder Road comes out,and they crank up Thunder Road.And I feel like I've heard Thunder Road before,but one of the things about being a modern music fanis that most of the music you're listening tois on your phone.
01:25:43You're not like home with your cabinet speakers, right?I think I was 30-something years oldbefore I knew that Thunder Road has a glockenspiel in it.You know, those little twinklies?And I was like, why is there a glockenspiel in this song?Like, am I mishearing this?And I went and looked it up,and in the album credits,
01:26:04there are multiple people credited for the Glock and spieland that's not the only Springsteen song that contains a Glock and spieland so I felt on this rabbit hole of looking up live videosand they have a Glock and they travel the East Street band travelswith a fucking Glock and spiel so they can put this wall of sound up and havesomebody back there going ding ding ding and you're like oh that's sweetthey gave the intern a Glock and spiel no because they're very very specific aboutlisting the credits for each show.
01:26:35Clarence Clemens is credited with the Glockenspiel in one of these live videos.He got his big ass all the way back there.So to play the motherfucking Glockenspiel, I kind of see what you guys are into aboutSpringsteen, is my point.I think I took a different path to get there.So let's review the list of associated words.Unions.Yeah, Springsteen.
01:26:57Heartbreak, yeah.It's like one of those Peter Pan.Nebraska and murder.It's like a book and record with Peter Pan.It's like, turn the page.Glock and spiel.Oh, industrial rust belt devastation.Ding!
01:27:09Nobody rocks harder.Glock and spiel.I've never been a Springsteen fanuntil I found out they travel with a fucking clock and spiel.I would like to close, if we can, on a noteof patriotism.Sure.Oh, Jesus.
01:27:24Seamus.What kind of patriotism?The fun kind.Freshment year of high school baseball.Coach was a retired Navy pilot who took the flag and the national anthem, all caps, very on all caps, seriously.One afternoon, we were lined up on the foul lines waiting to start on the girl who usually sang no-show.I happened to be in the choir that sang at all-school masses, so coach told me to go sing.Get in there.
01:27:54I'm putting you in at Anthem.That's what you're playing today.It was acapella, and I started way too high.Yes.As a 14-year-old boyMy vocal range was not really under my control.Same.Hmm.
01:28:12Hey, buddy.Voice cracked on Rocket's red glare so badlythat I just stoppedhaving completely forgotten the rest of the words.I like that, like, a test pilot,he just exploded,and the crowd was.like, he's gone.
01:28:33He's gone.Wait.He had the wrong stuff.Did Seamus have to play baseball after that?Yeah.Seamus had to play baseball after that.They would just like, just go out and right field, man.Just sit down.
01:28:48No, but he's still got to come up to the bat.And the pitcher's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.Yeah.Yeah.Yeah.Yeah.Yeah.Yeah.
01:29:01Oh, say, it's Seamus.Folks, we are gathered here at a music festival.Thank you for coming here.Yeah.This is where we tell our AB people to get on their toes?Yeah.Roll-tied, war eagle, whatever your denomination might be.Thank you for gathering here with us.
01:29:21We'd like to close it down with a special song.Yeah, we're going to play a little...A little gasoline and another song.Yeah.But you're also at a metal festival's first.We're going to have a little bit of a circle pit, all right, around these tables right here.If you're able to move your feet, we're going to walk carefully.Because we're in Alabama.
01:29:38We thought we would go ahead.We're going to sing your national anthem.We're going to sing a song that everyone in Alabama can relate to if it would start playing.If we can get the, yeah, we can do this.I don't think he's joking, get up.No, no, no, but yeah.Joking.But we wanted to do a song.
01:29:56You don't know what a circle pit is.Just follow your neighbor.That everyone knows about Alabama.I'm going to laugh if this doesn't start.If this doesn't start.I'm going to laugh.I'm going to laugh at this bit, just absolutely.If I can just keep vamping for as long as I can.
01:30:13Look at this.I'm excited.I'm excited.You know what?This is so good.Yeah.I don't know if this is going to happen.I don't know if it's going to happen.
01:30:23It's going to start playing at one point.This is so good.It's almost.It's amazing.What's the word?Yeah.Ridge Mountains, Shenandoah River.Life is old there, older than the trees.
01:30:42Fuck trees!Younger than the mountains growing like a breeze.Country roads.Take me home to the place.I belong.West Virginia.Mountain MamaTake me home
01:31:08Country roads
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