Shutdown Fullcast - Nole Contendere

Episode Date: December 14, 2020

Welcome to the Spartacus multiverse  Which US state has the most snakes? The answer may surprise you! Jason and Ryan conduct a protracted legal battle of wills  Auburn’s up to some Auburn antics, Auburnly  Investment advice for the newly wealthier Gus Malzahn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

One thing, I googled during the, during snake talk, I googled state with most snakes per square mile. Can we, could we each turn in a guess? Wow. Most snakes per square mile. Florida? I'm not, I'm not going to go some Western state because they're all huge. They're huge, yeah. Yeah.

So I'm going to go a small state that I think is super infested. You know what? Man, I'm going to go with Alabama. I'm gonna go with South Carolina. So that's pretty good because in artillery terms, you bracketed the state, all right? You surrounded it. Are we in it?

That's right. According to Wikipedia, George is number one, Arizona is number two. Oh my God, Arizona's huge. I will consider it. That's a lot of snakes than people in Arizona. That's too many snakes. Those are recreational snakes.

It's different. So in Georgia, it's 15.7 snakes per square mile. I'm assuming the Oke Finoki is doing a lot of work here. Arizona's 15.2. There's baby copperheads. Yeah, we got a few in our island in the front yard. We got a few in there. Who's the bottom?

You know, let's go ahead and click on Wikipedia. Now, this is what this show is all about. This is my favorite part of the show. I love it because on the wiki page, there is no link cited. I don't give a shit. It's valid. It's facts. It's on the internet. Yep. Says so right there.

It's got to be Alaska, right? Well, I was thinking that's a lot of woodlands, though. Like, what if it's a state that is mostly urban and small, like Delaware or something? Or just cold as shit? There's probably so few snakes in Delaware. They all have individual names. Like, that's Elliot. He's a king snake.

He's pretty cool. Also, one other thing. I was going to run through a list of historical shoe throwing. because there is also a wiki page on this. So it's it this is actually a very like based on scanning this list. This is a prevalent form of disagreement in Pakistan, for instance. In Taiwan, lots and lots and lots of instances. There was also the time,

Nicky Minaj, or excuse me, Cardi B through a shoe at Nikki Minaj. I don't know the, what the dispute was over. That's it. We're moving right along. Justin Bieber was pelted with a shoe for refusing to sing Despacito Next Haley Williams of Paramore was hit in the face

with a shoe. We don't like that one. How dare y'all? There was a... So after George Bush, the famous one, right? When someone threw a bush at George Bush. Through a bush at George's shoe. This person, the person who threw the shoe had shoes thrown at him in fact later on and he mocked the person

for copying his technique fighters everywhere in the year 359 the Roman emperor was giving a speech from a small hill to a group of limaganties to ask for their loyalty when he was hit by a shoe thrown by one of them the thrower shouted

words that mean signal of war and finally in Psalm 60 and Psalm 108 uh bring it on home we're gonna on edam i toss my sandal is basically a way of insulting the edamites we're throwing our shoes at the edamites

the lord himself is through which if god throws a shoe at you yeah that will fuck you up he's got big feet right can't believe god threw a shoe at me this week the sandal of the lord not only do i have to prepare for dan mullin the finest football mind in the land also god is throwing shoes at me smell terrible but i praise him It'd be great. It'd be great if we just resolved and started all conflicts with throwing shoes, the drive-by shoeing, the like sudden, like that would be the best.

Drive-by shoe, you really got to want that because you got to wiggle all the way down around to the pedals to pull it off. Oh, no, I would just keep one in the center console. One? That's my throwing shoe. Well, yeah, I, listen. You're going to go get it? Is it going to come back? Like Mielnir?

No, I'm just saying. Mule. here. Welcome to the shutdown. Welcome to the shutdown fullcast. You are listening to the Internet's only college football podcast. you're sad about it being a podcast hey hey buddy hey good evening hey we're gonna

so so listen there's there are things there are things a number of things have happened can we talk are you I'm good

when you say I'm good do you um it's funny we can talk about it no no no it's funny oh okay are you sure I'm sure it's funny oh thank God that was the funniest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life okay that's my favorite thing that's happened all year

okay okay I wasn't ready to blow up the show over it but oh Jesus I've never laughed as hard in my life I will be honest oh can I tell you what my favorite part was about it can't I can't I can't stop you no you can't you can't my personal favorite part was the ref squaring up like he oh what do we say what do we always what have we learned to tell our children don't be a meme don't get memed kids don't become a meme we say it to loved ones in our own family we say it to our friends we stay at strangers children in the stands and you can see that that ref felt the weight of history on his shoulders as he kind of ruffled his his invisible feathers and like he knew what he was about to say was going to get played 20 40 60 times on sports center and he met that

moment with gusto my man was prepared I do not know his name and now I wish I did which ref was it Because I remember in that moment, I was like, I wish it was Ron Cherry. And then when the moment was over, I was like, no, no, there is another. My favorite moment about that in that particular series of officiating gestures was the official sighting 20 yards. Yes, that part. Saying exactly 20 yards, the distance that Marco Wilson in committing a 15 yard on sportsmanlike conduct penalty, thus giving LSU a first down, and putting them in. in position for what we will discuss later,

an astronomical bomb of a 57-yard field goal in a driving fog at Ben Hill Griffin Stadium, Florida Field. He said 20 yards. In that moment, he gave you exactly what you needed to know. I didn't even think shoes were aerodynamic enough to go 20 yards. I'm not sure I could throw anything 20 yards. That's a longer way than you think. Well, and the shoes aren't made to fly like this.

like cleats are the opposite of aerodynamic LSU fans would disagree when she was born to fly Anyway I'm glad I'm glad you're here on this side with us Instead of on the other side where it's sad and weird Anyway there are other people on the show I just wanted to make sure that you're okay

And I will recede into My Help Meet Silence Take it away boys Yeah I don't know This is like if you're gonna Ryan. Hey, Ryan's here. Ryan, it was funny.

Jason, good evening. Hi, hello. It was funny as hell. It was like, look, I have a lot of soul searching to do about my... I shouldn't take too long. Thanks. We just talked about being Catholic. Okay, that's fair.

I don't know, man. I thought it was funny right away. Like, there was no... There was really no part of me that was like, ah, fuck. like ah the refs hosed us or like ah god damn why do you like i don't know what it is maybe it's just like this year has been bad and stupid enough maybe it's just like how it happened and how it's it's really how excited marco wilson was when he threw it because it wasn't dan mullen has said so many stupid things about this game and this play but he said one thing that i he said

no he said one thing that i agree with which is that he was like marco wilson well wasn't trying to tawn LSU. And I think that is right. I think Marco Wilson was excited, found himself with his shoe in his hand that was not his own, and said, fuck it, let's throw this shoe. He didn't throw it at somebody. He too saw the gravity of the moment. Yeah.

Like, I think he was just like, he had never been in this situation before. Why not throw the shoe? I just, I, I thought it was great. The second I, the second happened. I was just like, that's the funniest fucking thing I've ever seen. And I can't be mad. Like, it feels wrong that just because it happened to Florida, I would like be a real piss baby about it.

Okay. I lied. I have one more thing to say. Okay. No, no, no. It's a question. And it's a question that I want to put to all of you. And I'm serious about it.

Because I, I plumbed my own delight. Oh, God. I heard it. Okay. I did a, I myself did a lot of soul. searching. It's a shallow soul on my part, but it's, it's quite wide. And I did a lot of wading in my soul last night. And I found, I found the nexus of my delight. God damn it. I can't not say this. Anyway, I was jacking off all night to the thought of this incident. But like mentally,

right? No, it's not, that's not better. None of this is better. Spiritually? Ecumenically. Yes. make out. What is this? Here is the source. Oh, Jason, Jason, hey, I need a priest. An old priest and a young priest.

Wait, you guys dropped out for a sense. Your audio dropped out. Oh, thank God. I think God actually cut out what I was trying to say there. Okay. Okay. Are we back? Yeah, but what do you want?

Did the part about me jacking it to that part? Okay. No, that was in there. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. But the point that I was, Uh, man, I can't say anything now, can I? No. Anyway, here's the reason I love this so very much.

I have a question to put to all of you. When is the last time you saw something completely new in a football game? Like, completely new that you had never seen before. I mean, I know the answer because it's still stuck in my mind. It is Auburn attempting to fake spike the wrong way. That is the, that it's, that may be, yeah. Okay, we have two, two, two, the, you know, You know what? I'll take it. I will take two completely new things in exchange for this shitbird season of a year that we could not return for store credit even though we tried. And we tried. But how often when watching this game do you get to see something completely new that you have never seen before?

You know what? You know what? This actually, yesterday looks a little bit better in relief because you said that there were two things that you saw. this season that you'd never seen before. I saw something happen yesterday that I had not seen before that happened before I watched Marco Wilson, Chuck a cleat. Which happened. 20 yards through the fog. Some say that shoe never came down. They say his spirit still walks these halls.

The third thing I saw this year that was completely unique. And the second that I saw yesterday was in the Ball State, was it Balls, Western Michigan game. when during a lateral sequence to a desperate lateral sequence to try to get the ball down the field on the final play of the game apparently they just decided

the game was over and Western Michigan just took the field just took the field, just rush the field just out there with a live ball carrier just chucking it around and I realized it was like that scene

in any bank robbery where you run out and there are a thousand clowns but you dress like clowns so nobody knows who the clown is that's what it looked like nobody knew who could tackle whom it was breathtaking

with coaches on the field like a fucking Pop Warner game it was like I am Spartacus I too am Spartacus who shall tackle me the thing is like a multiverse Spartacus yeah the thing about

Marco Wilson throwing a shoe is that the refs didn't hesitate. They didn't like take a second to be like, wait, what the fuck just they were all like, no, not okay. Immediately not okay. I will turn this car around. That's a point of emphasis.

We discussed that preseason that officials were definitely not going to allow people to throw the shoes of the opponent down the field. We were going to crack down on that. But they didn't. It's not in the rule book. No.

Not a single mention of throwing a you. This was an interpretation. These were activist judges on the, on the field, making up laws on the fly. Okay. Nothing was consulted. So on that note, I have a list of items that are near or on the field that could be thrown. Oh, thank God. And I want, I want to know, Jason, you can, you can be the judge here. You like, you have the strong feelings about the rulebook. I'll list an item. You tell me if a player threw it after, after the ball was dead, is it on sportsman like conduct? I'm going to start with an easy one. A helmet. Whose helmet? Just a helmet. A helmet.

Player checks a helmet 20 yards. I'm going to need more details here. Player throws a helmet 20 yards away from the opposing team. Is it my helmet? Because if so, then I must leave the field for one play. If it's an opponent's helmet, then I have wrenched it from his head. What if it's a teammate's helmet? Did you say someone is dead?

A dead man's helmet? All I'm saying is, that's dishonorable. The play is dead. Is there a head in the helmet? No. No, it's just a helmet. Are you sure? A helmet has materialized in my hands. I'm not saying you did it.

I'm saying the same way Marco Wilson did. Marco Wilson throws a helmet 20 yards, not towards the opposition, just chucks it, 20 yards. Is that a flag? Well, I don't mean I, the judge, have thrown the helmet. Of course, I'm using that as a manner of speaking. But maybe. to me this all goes back to where the helmet came from i cannot rule on this okay no verdict a penalty flag is that a legal term ryan no verdict nope not at all no what did it yeah i believe on this show we call it noll contendere what is what is the judge say when he's just like i don't know y'all

you all you'll figure it out like mistrial feels pretty good okay yeah the first one's a mistrial next year old mistrial yeah a penalty flag marco wilson throws a penalty in that point yeah You're impersonating an officer of the law, so I think you would have to be flagged. At that point, though, you would have to be notified of that flag via another flag. This could go on forever. Sure. Oh, shit. One of a player just stood there, like, pulling flags out of his uniform, like the magician?

And just throwing them back at the official. I think it would be a war of attrition at that point. Who's going to run out of flags first? Yeah, that's the officiating equivalent of you're out of order. No, it's the officiating equivalent of the you want to add another week to being grounded, young man. Yeah. Okay, Jason. Fine, fine, good, good.

Marco Wilson picks up a pylon from the end zone and chucks it. Yeah, that's redrawing boundaries. So that's a penalty. Absolutely. He's going to pick it up and carry it. That's a war against geography. Now we're creating trapezoids. That's damaging network property too because there's a pylon cam.

Okay. Marco Wilson and a teammate pick up the first downchains and javel in them down the field 20 yards you flagging that um well at at the at florida of the last decade it's impossible to imagine like the first down marker traveling 20 yards at a time this is like like this season i really hope there's somebody out there making a wish list i mean most of the last decade was most of the last decade one year doesn't erase everything pal this 2020 is erased a lot 20 20 20s fucking erased a lot all right sorry but your team didn't score enough points in a game. Not the first time that's happened.

Um, okay. Yeah, we're going to flag that. We're going to flag that. You can't. It raised a lot of my personal sexual boundaries. Jesus. What? I'm sorry, we were having another conversation. Last example, this only applies to Florida is playing South Carolina. Marco Wilson turns and checks Sir Big Spurr 20 yards down the field. Like, uh,

yeah, but, yes, yes. There's definitely, the live rooster mask. Like, like fucking Super Mario 2. Yeah. If he does that, that's fine. We'll get away. He'll get away with that. It's like Zelda throwing a cuckoo. That's, I think that is what I'm picturing. Yeah.

I'm picturing Okerina. And if he does it on a hill, if he takes Syrbixper to Clemson, jumps off the hill with Serbixper in hand, he will flutter all the way to the 50 yard line. That's right. And that's how you get the light air on is Clemson. And that will not be penalized. Not penalized. Okay.

Good to know. So the only thing you can throw is a. Sir Big Spur. Sir Big Spur. And maybe I'm at unclear. By the idea of you jumping off the hill at Clemson and riding a chicken down to the 50-yard line, that's killing me,

but only because I also imagine some hunter in a tree stand 50 yards away, immediately training up like getting a bead on you. He's been waiting for this moment. He's like, at last I knew somebody would fly a chicken down. The prophecy has been foretold. South Carolina. Carolina paratroopers are here.

It's time. Dabo got shooters. I didn't know South Carolina believed in aerial flight. Only on chickens. Only with chickens. No, because fighting chickens don't fly. Like North Carolina first in flight, South Carolina last in flight. South Carolina, prove flight.

We're going to, you all, you're all going to leave the ground. and we shall inherit it. I'll fly when you pry my cold dead feet from this earth. Marco Thomas is like, challenge fucking accepted, friend. I mean, they have two mascots that are flightless birds, right? In state. Fancy chickens, boat crime chickens, and regular chickens, right?

And that's for a reason. Also, the Wofford Terriers can fly, though. Very low to the ground, though. Very low to the ground. When they're playing Florida, sure. Like A-10 whart hogs. This is our best show. Let's just end it right there.

I will say this. I don't really... All right, folks. I tried to stop it. I can't think of anything better to end an absolutely horrendous loss on because at least it's memorable. At least it's funny.

At least it gave you something where you go, ah, ah, that's a new rich brand of incompetence. Because otherwise, it just would have been LSU, winded down the field. Maybe we go to overtime. Things get even stupider because Frankly, you just felt due for something extremely stupid.

Kyle Trask gave up three turnovers in this game. They were all dumb, including a ricochet interception of somebody falling out of bounds that went to somebody who immediately popped up and caught it an inch away from the sideline to stay in bounds, something I've never seen. Okay, that's four things this year that I've never seen before. I've never seen somebody come out of a full plan. on the ground and then get upright basically doing like a GHD sit-up without the machine to pop up and catch the ball in position all on one play when that happened I was like oh we're in for a dumb one it's just dumb as hell my my moment was when LSU scored the easiest touchdown probably they've had all season with 33 seconds with 33 seconds left in the first half thanks to Florida blitzing not one but both cornerbacks were the cornerbacks at all close to the quarterback so no

they might as well have been selling fucking popcorn in the fifth row no they that's a violation that's true they're in uniform spencer i have a question you have taken football coaching classes at the university of florida i did um what the fuck yeah they didn't teach us that one okay they didn't teach you that's double they didn't teach you double corner blitz why are that why are they called corners again because they're in the corner of the field okay okay because you don't need them because they can't see them coming except by the corner of their eye because the football team's a family and a family is a circle and a circle doesn't have any corners that's why blitzed both of them we're back to trapezoids again Todd Grantham's because when our when our blitzes hit home

they're going to have to call the coroner do you know how weird this was this was so weird that all you ever been mad and you turn up you turn up the music real loud just to kind of drown out your own thoughts I was so busy laughing until my face hurt at this play that I forgot it was Todd Grantham's fault like it transcended Grantham he calls those he calls those Aragorn blitzes you know that scene the lord of the rings where Aragorn has to run like 200 yards to charge at the army of oncoming orks and it takes a minute yeah no yeah you know what happens nobody goes after him No, they're like, look at this fucking dude. You have a horse.

Why aren't you? No, this shot is stupid in the movie and it's stupid here because Ergorne is on a horse and then all of a sudden he's just running on his own human feet towards the gates of Mordor. Yeah. You got a horse, dude. Where's your horse? You may be in McKellen run.

He's old. If this ends with a woman. Oh, y'all triggered me. With a woman in a medieval helmet stabbing Todd Graham him in the chest and screaming, I am no man. Like, then it's worth it. Well, if that happened, Dan Mullen would just sitter for the Charleston Southern game. He does those 5K blitzes where he's like, I've been training for this.

I think I can get to the quarterback in under 28 minutes. It'll be a personal best. King. It's like Return of the King. We'll be there in three and a half hours. It's like the last fucking minute of any Mission Impossible movie. Yeah. He calls those Mardi-Bus blitzes where you're like, yeah, I don't know.

It should be here in 15 minutes. He calls those Mardi-Bus minutes because somebody, he's probably going to vomit. Me, when I watch it happen. Called the double corner blitz against the freshman with a safety nowhere near the receiver to pick him up, just like completely open on an unforced error. That's it.

I'm not sure that was an error. It was so intentional. Which is why I want to know. What was, like, this isn't rhetorical. What was he trying to accomplish? I don't know. There was one spot on a completion in the first half when Marco Wilson's playing 15 yards off a receiver.

Like, why are you playing 15 yards up for a receiver with a freshman quarterback? Hey, that's within shoe range. That's true. Well, did we know that at the time? He did. Marco's playing mom back. It's like, yeah, I'm going to take this shoe wing it at their head. I got it.

Yeah, I mean, the shoe, if you didn't love it on site, then it's, it's. It's hopefully you love it by now. Hopefully you've gotten right and learned to love the shoe. Because like, among other things, obviously it is instantly hilarious and it's an iconic way to lose a game

and it is this year's peeing in the end zone of the egg bowl. Yes. Also, it takes stupid pressure off of Florida. Now you can just lose to Bama and go home. You were going to have to face Bama with hopes and expectations. Fuck that.

What a horrible idea. Now you just get to just straight up get your asses kicked by Bama and no one will even notice. It is very funny. Don't want to go home. Go home. It is very funny seeing like Florida fans,

but also Florida State and Georgia fans being like, Florida just fucked up their playoff chances. Like, I don't think that's really how any of this works. Right. The odds didn't change because there was a, like, I think the odds of Florida, like losing this game,

beating Bama, making it in, are about the same as the odds. of Florida beating Bama period it wasn't going to happen so throw a fucking shoe yes because like what what is somehow missed in this calculation is that if if there is no shoe thrown and Florida even if Florida wins this game Florida still basically needed either overtime or a last minute drive to put away an LSU team that is without most of their top talent entering the year that has had been like shitty all year and like that they should have that they should have easily put away like it doesn't change

the fact that this is not a florida team that looked like it was going to compete with bama that's not different you know it is different throwing a fucking shoot 20 yards down the field yeah like be happy this florida team this florida team won a division and did something awesome that made everyone laugh that's cool here's the here's the truly funny part that i that i thought about uh this morning Florida doing this didn't even put Georgia in the SEC championship game that's how stupid of the season of Georgia's

had. Oh, that's a terrific point. Yeah, all you did was tantalized Georgia and make them wonder where it all went wrong. Also, don't tease them, y'all. They got bad hearts. Also, let's play long term here, okay? It's not like Florida and LSU necessarily

have to compete for survival. This is the cross-divisional game, but it is not one that determines whether either one of them goes to the SEC championship most year. So one team can lose it, one team can win it. And generally, everyone's hopes, if you've managed everything correctly, are still alive for all the big stuff.

Now, with that said, the unnecessary malice that Florida has unintentionally committed here is that a new experience for Florida. Is that we managed to make Bo Pellini look good. We did. Yeah, y'all got some shit to answer for it. No, no, no, no. We're going to take credit for that.

Congratulations. I don't, I don't totally agree. How many yards of Florida have in this game? $609. Okay, so like... Wait, what? 6009 yards of offense. Here are all the things that had to go wrong.

Here are all the things that Florida fucked up to make the shoe matter. They went for it on fourth and goal from the one and got stopped. They threw a pick six. They threw an interception inside the red zone, the one Spencer already talked about. Twice they had first in goal and ended up kicking field goals. They had that double corner blitz touch. that they allowed two plays after that they fumbled to give lSU a 39 yard field goal at the very end of the first half and then lSU had to kick a 57 yard field goal and florida had to miss a

51 yard field goal like but if you if you don't look at that as man florida fucked up so many ways in this game and instead look at it at look at the narrative support that both sides came together to make the shoe a meaningful moment yeah like then it's just good drama. Then it's just like a really well-written action caper. You know what I also hear in that, Ryan? The Bo Polini,

stats be damned, turn this defense into a winner. I think they better hold on to him. I think Auburn should hire him. No, no, no, no. No, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's Auburn fans, as you are preparing your mail bombs,

please note that you can reach Ryan at the following address I love that we're trying to commit a small act of malice here and you're like no let's go big let's hit him to the program and that's my thing oh wait okay I'm the one who moved up

to being irretrievably horny on Maine for the show tonight so Ryan is taking over my role also I'm sorry about that somebody brought up Jeff Fisher earlier today and it just set me off for the whole day it's the discord's fault which you can join by it for three dollars a month three dollars a month for moon crew Spencer have you have you ever seen the 1990 you're not even gonna finish the ad okay fine

right I'm just look I'm I'm the only one who's being the bud Elliott here just saying Spencer mooncru.substack.com thank you Jesus Christ Spencer have you ever seen the oh Jason is it raining at your house it's raining it sounds nice it's been picking up I have first heard it through the mic which is really fucking with me because these These headphones are really noise cancelling. So I was hearing it through my own mic, and I was like, what the fuck is wrong with this machine? Oh.

It's raining on my computer. It's not raining down here yet. Ryan, were you saying something? No, I was going to ask Spencer if you wanted me to go through all the things that we're not going to have time for on the show, just so people know now. Yeah, yeah. Let's do it. These are all the things that we are not going to talk about. I want Ryan to sing this like the Animaniac song.

I'm not going to sing at all. Things we don't have time for. Arizona State beating Arizona, 70 to 7 while only getting 17 first downs. That's fucking hilarious. Bama, by comparison, had 24 first downs in their 52 to 3 win over Arkansas. Another thing we're not going to have time to get to, J.T. Daniels now leads Georgia in passing touchdowns this season, despite only appearing in three of their nine games.

Good decision-making Georgia. also not going to have time for unc and their blowout win over miami had nine plays that went for at least 25 yards in total those plays gained 419 yards and if you took all of them away if you erased all of them from existence the tarheel still outgained the hurricanes by almost 50 yards on the flip side army navy had 279 combined offensive yards and navy got shut out for the first time of this game since 1969. Iowa and Wisconsin when a combined

7 of 32 on 3rd down and to keep it Wisconsin related for the last thing we're not going to have time for on the show and a lot of people sent this to us. The Wisconsin Department of Health Services warned people in the state to please not eat, quote,

raw meat sandwiches, which is apparently a Wisconsin tradition. And the Facebook users of Wisconsin refused to listen. They will eat raw meat. They will eat it in sandwich form. We don't have time for any of those things, though. Why don't we have time for those things, Spencer?

Well, it's a fire gus year, y'all. I mean, we've been joking about the higher... No, we haven't. The higher gus or fire gus year. We've never been joking. No, I mean, it's factual. Like, you know, is it a fire gus year? Well, in the middle of...

In the middle of the day, like a bolt of lightning from the blue. Gus Malzahn at Auburn after dancing following a victory over Mississippi State in a video that circulated widely over the internet giving the illusion of great happiness inside the Opelika metropolitan area and the regime that rules it they fired him they just fired him in the middle of the day so Gus Melzon is done Auburn's an open job y'all and man if there isn't anything that reeks of palace intrigue skullduggery

and possible internecine warfare between boosters it's an Auburn coaching search sure did let him dance on video first didn't they just get it tweeted it from the official account like go Gus go Gus go you're fired

I wonder if that was like the nail in the coffin where they were like look how fucking happy he looks dancing out there like a Methodist like a whore let's fire you said you sounded like an evil preacher

in a movie speaking of leading candidates for the Auburn job God damn it do we you freeze evil preacher in a movie please send all complaints about sex

worker jokes to Spencer Hall at 404 no no no one of these days I'm going to get this number out no oh god that's 404 No, no, you will not. One day he'll accidentally give it out himself.

It's going to be great, I know. I did actually want to ask, like, I was surprised. I didn't think they were, I didn't think it was, I didn't think it was a day. Yeah. Yeah, we thought we had made it through with a, eh, keep guess, year. If I told you you at six and four in a pandemic year. Now, I don't know, by the way, if we thought anybody was ever really going to get fired, because this isn't the kind of year

where you expect the athletic department so we're making cuts left and right and whose revenue has been severely dented by the pandemic all around. I don't think we thought that this was the year that people would take the money

which of course is already scrutinized in college athletics and do things like buy coaches out and we were wrong! We were wrong! Isn't this true of like most of the things we thought about 2020? We were like, well surely

X or Y would be unpopular or it would feel bad. Yeah, 2020 was really a slap to our usual ironclad predictions. Like most of these, whether it's about football or not, they amounted to like, well, that other person wouldn't do that because that would be wrong or they would get yelled at. And the only lesson of 2020 is those people would give a fuck, they're going to do it anyway. Well, there was a lot of stuff that, sorry, go ahead. I was just going to say, I think the mistake we keep making is ascribing logic and reason to so many people.

Or feelings. Like, I think we are talking about people who are too rich to have feelings anymore. I feel like, back in, that's the goal, back in February, right? Acorns. Back in March, there was a lot of stuff where we were like, at least literally out of just self-interest, people were going on board. But no, they would rather spend 21 million of their own. on getting rid of Gus Malzahn. This is a metaphor for lots and lots of other things

that are not Gus Malzan that are far worse than Gus Malzan. All things considered, Gus Malzan was the least of our problems here in 2020. Gus Malzan went six and four. If America went six and four this year, we would have done way fucking better. We went 0 and 10, in fact.

Actually, we went one in nine. We'll say one in nine. Y'all will be happy to know that Sabin is trending under sports right now and Freeze is trending under politics. oh my god Nick Saban was like why did Auburn fire Gus

Nick Saban called Gus an outstanding coach and was like sometimes you wonder why people do what they do I've never heard of say this about anybody I'll laugh

if they beat Auburn by like 900 next year and he's like that's for my friend Gus it's for my friend Gus best dancer I've ever had oh wait wait wait wait no he should hire Gus.

He's going to bring him into the Nick Saven home for rehabilitated coaches. Right, but he doesn't even need rehabilitation. He could just like, he could give him a good job right away. Yeah, he could take Butch's job. After Sark takes the Texas job. Yes, there you go.

Yeah, because we did get the, hey, Tom's our coach until January. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah. I mean, because signing day is in three days. That was the, uh, Texas. Soon as soon as those young student athletes are locked in for the upcoming year, that's when you go get Sark. Auburn didn't even like, Auburn didn't even do that many Auburny things this year, did they? I mean, like Jason identified the one thing.

Well, like, Boenix did a lot of creative stuff that we loved and enjoyed. Yes. But no, I mean, they lost the teams they're supposed to lose to. And then they had one bullshit lost to South Carolina. which I think for that reason bringing Will to finish the job he's an Auburn man by the way that is the most like that joke this is the thing like that's giving another we could just go ahead that in that universe in that joke you could just go ahead and give Will Mustamp another $10 million not to coach you could hire him sure or you could just

cut to the chase and write him a $10 million check and say please don't coach my favorite thing about Auburn Muschamp jokes and we do this once a year or so is they're not jokes like there's lots of rich Auburn people who really love Will Must champ like that's true because they have his haircut

that's why he's like he's like me just 25% wider I like the way that man wears a belt below his belly sure I also will tell you this

I don't in the long list of terrible things that have happened this year if you said give gus melzon 21 million dollars that's not the worst thing because one that's not my money two it's an appalling amount of cash but i know this gus melzon gus melzon has no vices interests luxuries he has no gambling no if you give gus if you give gus on 21 million dollars do you know what you're going to have next year you're going to have 20 million dollars 21 million dollars plus whatever the basic checking account he put it in, right? 0.0.0.0.

That's it. The dude already has enough money for the rest of his life. If you hand him $21 million, he's going to go, I don't know if I have room under the mattress for that. It's actually not an interest-bearing account, but if I keep the balance high enough, they don't charge me fees. So first thing, imagine in January if we had said,

Gus Malzahn will defeat the defending national champions by 37 points and be fired. I mean, I guess we would say, yeah, that sounds like Auburn. You know, when you put it like that. Yeah. The other thing, Gus Malzahn, you have a whole lot of money, and you need to invest it. You don't really need to, but it'd be nice to, because you could buy Auburn University and reinstall yourself as head coach, perhaps. I have an exciting opportunity for you. Acorns.com slash fullcast.

The easiest investing app in the universe. All you do is you set it to forward your nickels and dimes for your regular purchase. into a magic portal. You, Gus Malzan, you shop for nothing but All-Star specials at Waffle House. All-Star's kind of a lot of food for Gus. I don't know if he's doing the whole all-star.

He's sharing it. He's sharing it. He's packing some up to go. Yeah, that's like, he's definitely doing like, can I get a take home? And that's lunch and dinner. Doing the thing where he looks over the table and goes, you just get the eggs because I'm not going to eat the waffle. Is Gus the kind of guy who says...

Am I Gus? No, he's a parent. He knows what he's doing. No, you talked about jacking off on this show. You're definitely not Gus. It's not technically jacking off. You're not Gus. Ryan, I believe in his terminology, it is the, the, the name of his fucking offense. What is it?

The hurry up no huddle? High speed, no huddle. Yeah. That's a bricked joke. Acorns.com slash full cast. You throw in a few dollars a week. you throw in a few pennies from each of your purchases at Waffle House

or otherwise and what it's going to do is it's going to take those small trickles of money and it's going to slide them into the investment portal and you're going to wind up with a larger pile than you had listeners know I started with $5 and with literally zero effort

I am up to $61 and $69 cents nice 69 cents in honor of the point total that our Arizona State Sun Devils briefly had before they decided to take it up 70 they should have knelt on that just park it come on that's what that's what we get for having a humorless an artless man as head coach of Arizona State

I mean it doesn't appreciate sophistication I want to be in the room when somebody tries to explain that to her why why is 69 why is it nice all sex is nice I'm sex positive I mean he's good at Arizona's safe can we get her Edwards on here so we can all stop like the funny part about Hugh Freeze is not the sex work part and I think Herm Edwards would stand behind that

that's true sex work is labor Acorns.com slash for all your purchases including including those ordained by Hugh by Herm Edwards himself 61 69 damn you got

like you got a big 12 like a usual year big 12 score bank account. Yeah, I got a big east basketball score. That acorn is becoming a sapling. And that sapling will become a tree. And who has trees? Auburn does.

Well, sometimes. Yeah. Wow. Damn. These days, they got trees for the moment. Just not a coach. Until, uh, yeah, until they get mad. Sabin, Sabin has radicalized them.

They're going to go burn down a tree. I think they're doing. Like, Billy Napier's not fancy enough. I was going to read a lot. Has there been a generational booster revolt or something? I was going to read. I think that may be one thing happening here. I was also going to read this list of potential candidates, which I think...

Hang on. Can I tell you all something weird? Okay. I guess we can keep talking about that. And then I want to talk about Arkansas for a minute. Okay. I've done something I may regret. Speaking of things that you may regret later, these are names that were listed to watch

by reporters. Name doesn't matter. by CAA, I think is what you mean. Probably, okay? I mean probably. Oh, you have to go on television tomorrow. Yeah, do you want me to read this? Names to watch.

Here are a bunch of names that CAA is sending around because they have the same agents as a lot of writers and coaches. Weird, huh? Names to watch. Mario Cristobal. That's the big one. Current head coach at O'Urgan. Hugh Freeze with a bullet.

The second name listed, Hugh Freeze. The third, Jason, please sit down if you're not sitting down. I'm sitting, yeah. Dan Quinn. That's a great choice. That's bald must champ. I have an algorithm for this. Militia must champ.

It's like, I already fought this guy on Punch out. He's just bald now. Yeah, troop respecter must champ. Y'all stay with me here. Yeah. Dan Quinn. Dan Quinn. ESPN synthetic marijuana story.

Yeah. Media conspiracy to take over Auburn. Wow. Third eye open. Bonnix overthrows third eye. Our first Q meme coach. That's not going to be the first. I promise.

No. I mean, yeah, Mike Leach was pre-Q, proto-Cube. he was L Billy Napier Billy Napier which would be a fine choice but I feel like Auburn's blue hairs are going to be like he's a whippersnapper

Yeah This next was actually the funniest There's two really funny ones in here Besides Dan Quinn Dankwin Dankwin Scott Satterfield current oh that's actual agent floating that one i mean i i think he'll i think he'll talk oh he wants out

of louisville so bad also scott satterfield is just gus that's just gus melts on you'd just be like he'd walk in and go well hi everybody how you doing hell like no oh god you seem familiar you're tiresome uh brent venables who just kind of comes up all the time because he's defensive of coordinator, Clemson, but he's not going to, he's not going to touch the job. Is this like for years when they were just like, ah, Leonardo DiCaprio, let's nominate him for an award. He's not going to win it, but

like, it looks nice to have him in the panel of five on the broadcast. Yeah, he's been Susan Luchied. Yes. In Emmy terms, right? But I think he's probably fine with that. Like, this would be, this would be like if winning an Oscar was like, congratulations, now everyone's going to hate you for

the next four years. Tony Elliott. Okay, that would actually be interesting. It would be. I just don't know what the incentives he has waiting at Clemson are. Also, do you want to be that dude at Auburn? Right? Because Tony Hill, it's at Clemson, which as we know, is Auburn with a lake.

It's not... Is it that or is it the other way around? I think that's right. I think that's right. I think because the lake's right there. People will let us know. They're equally creepy about Jesus, which is usually how I differentiate these things.

my head let's just call them both that let's just say that yeah it's it's it's it's clemson with a lake clemson is auburn with a lake and auburn is clemsonceton with a lake and virginia's uniforms and now we're going to get emails uh 404 6 no no don't don't this is the other really funny one on here you ready bill o'brien can i say i don't hate this i don't what are you talking what Hang on. I don't. Okay. Because you don't like Auburn?

Sh! You're blowing it. We're not on video chat here and I can't make gestures and chasing. Be cool, man. God damn it. They're going to buy it. For reference, here are the places where Bill O'Brien has coached. Brown, Georgia Tech, Maryland,

Duke, the New England Patriots, Penn State, and the Houston Texans. Auburn hotbeds all. Like, oh, boy. I will say Bill LeBron did a fine job when he was at Penn State. That was honestly my first thought. And then I thought about some Houston things. Yeah. He did a fine job, but like, I think the most delicate way to put it is the job he was

asked to do at Penn State is not a job. Like, that's not the usual standard anyway. is held to professionally, right? Okay. That was kind of an aberration in terms of what he was supposed to be doing there. Right, right. And I'm saying, and Bill O'Brien's job. Yes.

Also, you know, you're going to. That's not what he would be coming to Auburn to do is go eight and five or whatever. Also, you know you're going to lose them to like the Panthers or the Chargers or some extremely mediocre. Well, Auburn's just a pipeline to the NFL. Yeah, there. See? Got to hire the next one.

I think the thing I really like about B-O-B as a college coach is a college coach is also the GM. Bombs over Baghdad Auburn head football coach. Yeah, but you can't trade. You can't do trades in college, so. I'm going to cut you. At Auburn, that means I'll actually cut you. That's what jukegoes are for, right? Yeah.

Damn, that's a good point. And then the last candidate on this list. Mike Gundy. There's, wait, there's somebody below, oh, Jesus. I was just waiting for it to land. Mike Gundy. I just know that somebody's put together this list, right? And some alert goes off on Mike Gundy's

unmarked burner super gorilla mind flip phones that he has that the government can't see, right? And he picks it up and he dials it and he's like, somebody's making a list. Put me on it. Put me on it. Get me out of here. Teaboons in hell just banging on the ceiling with a broom handle

next to Joe Jamal. Joe Jamal likes it, though. Gundy's watching Newsmax, and they're telling him, they're going to put us on lists. And he's like, oh, no, I don't want to be on the list. Then he hears, there's a coaching rumors list and changes his mind quickly. Does want to be on the list. Start seasons hot, and then fucks it up midway through.

Consistently getting whipped by his in-state rival. Check. Very prickly with the media. What else am I missing here? hair yeah okay that's different from most yeah this is actually fits in a lot of ways yeah no it could work it could work also likes to hunt snakes op is right there the more snakes than you could ever possibly need in your life that would be actually if you said mike gundy what is your dream job he's like it's got to be close to my love and passion

which is snakes snakes the hunting and the hunting and uh re hunting of And taming, taming, sure. Be a friend and a foated snake. Never let him see which one's coming. They're both Mike Gundy. Uh, yeah, that's, that's, that's a long, that's a list there of all of the people who. So I want to, I want to, so Auburn is paying $21 million, if that's Gus's buyout, I believe, right? So they're paying $21 million for the privilege of choosing from,

from that list that you just read. Huh? How many coaches on that list would you hire over Gus Melzone? Two? Well, Bill O'Brien for sure, I think. That one's clear. Yeah, right. If you got a chance to get the guy who traded D'Andre Hopkins.

Yeah, you got to do it. I mean, like Christobal, we like him, but it seems three and two. I mean, Auburn, really, Auburn's hired people with way worse records than that. She didn't even have a good record at Iowa State when he got the job. Yeah, and a lot of people have fallen into Cam Newton via blessings from above and thus turned out fine for exactly one year. Sure. I think we've all, I think if 2020's taught us anything in the past couple of years as well,

it's that Matt Campbell's proved that Iowa State's an easy job, though. So it was even worse. That is very funny. I was thinking about that earlier, like, you're not seeing Auburn, Matt Campbell. Because it's like, what, do you only like people who sucked at Iowa State? Yeah, that guy? No, no, no. We don't want anybody who's, we want people who properly gauge the amount of work to put into a job.

Humility. We're looking for humility here. That's it. Did you go there and suffer? We need you to be penitent. No, Spencer, the penitent man will pass, remember? Which is about where the problem starts. Yeah.

Um, on that list, the people I would hire over, uh, hire Gus Melzon over, uh, or hire over Gus Melz on. Um, honestly, like Christobal and Napier and then maybe a flyer if I'm being daring on Elliot. So I have, I have one more over. Elliot over Gus. I mean, maybe if I'm going long term, because like, I don't know how much longer. I mean, Napier's going to cheat his ass off in the way that they need to do it there, but over Gus? So I'm now also realizing that in a year where Gus Malzahn got fired, Derek Mason got fired, Will Mustchamp got fired. Those are all the SEC so far, right? Yeah, probably. At 1030 on Sunday night. Right. As of now, Jeremy Pruitt's not going to get fired. Seriously, what the fuck. That's what I'm to understand, correct?

Oh, maybe that'll change now that Gus is, oh, no, this is what led me, this, this thought train this morning is what led me to imagining Phil Fulmer and Gus Mazzan trying to make small talk and realizing that there's basically a language barrier there. What would the noises that come out of their mouths even look like? It'd be like two Charlie Brown teachers talking to one. I think they'd get along great. maybe well if you got a fire the thing is at tennessee it's not like auburn where they just had to get rid of the coach at tennessee you will have to get rid of the coach and the athletic director who happens to be a legendary yeah yeah but deep inroads into the tennessee volunteer community and a long wait why would you have to why would you have to fire fulmer alongside pruitt because fulmer and pruart

fulmer is pruitt's dude like that no no he's not no no no he's not no no he's not dude Wait, wait, are you saying When has Phil Fulmer Are you saying Phil Fulmer He'll be like, I will go down with my boy I love this boy and I will You will not How dare we

How dare we impugned the loyalty of Phil Fulmer? When in the history of Fulmer's life Has he ever stabbed Anyone in the back? He literally compared Spencer, you're disartering against yourself When?

When is that ever happened? As if Phil Fulmer is some sort of opportunist Phil Fulmer like a week ago literally compare Jeremy Pruitt to Johnny Majors Well Why was that significant

They got along well Didn't that? Why is that a thing? Because Phil Fulner was there was there for Johnny Majors Side by side till the end My brain is so broken

Because the second I heard Like I like to think that this is all out of my blood But the second I heard That Gus was fired I was like Okay we got to go

at this guy. I was like, God damn it. I had a long... Can I tell you what's been happening to me on the internet? Sure. Last night, I retweeted from user Camilla Glew saying,

well, I thought it was a very reasonable scientific assessment. Here's the tweet in its entirety. Big Bird is too large not to be carnivorous. And I retweeted this late last night in the middle of, I don't know, some Pac-12 bullshit.

And I woke up this morning to a bunch of dudes who had been arguing in my mentions throughout the night over whether or not this is possible. This is not even my tweet. And I tried to stop them 10 or 12 different ways today first by pointing out, y'all realize this is a joke about a large puppet on a children's television show, right?

And then by just inviting other people to come in and also argue with them in the hopes that they would tire themselves out. But a few hours ago, I did the real thing. And I said, okay, this isn't going to put itself out. I need everyone to put their Auburn football opinions into this thread, in the hope of smothering it with something else. If it's Monday and this thread is still going in my mentions,

y'all please join in. Beg bird for Auburn head football coach. These people got to learn. He's a legend. I can't. possibly imagine by the way anyway here's one of the tweets speaking of things that need a lot of protein to stay well Felipe really rebounded from the ACL year and showed that he can contribute with a good scheme maybe not a great pro prospect but finished well so anyway that this is

taken a much more familiar term but if this thread is still going everyone who's within the sound of my dumb voice is welcome to join in because these people will not stop talking about mammals this is this is by the way like I can't imagine anyone getting hired at Auburn who is at least not Bagman compatible at least not a little comfortable like because you're not you got to figure out by the way at Auburn like how much you want to compete in state because you're waiting on one thing to happen in order to be a national power again and not just a top 15 kind of program but like a top 10 top eight top five kind of program and that's you

need nick sabin to receive a warning from god that he needs to stop coaching that's it that's the only thing that's what's a warning going to do oh that's a really good question like if god was like nick sabin obey and he's like i'd like to see it i'm going to get what what are you going to do to me i mean the bible is full of like god-given warnings there would be i'm like ah fuck off that's because they were all like nick sabin entire book of jeremiah telling you Nick Saban to retire in hurry retire I'm more of an Isaiah guy what can I say my shoes my shoes my shoes don't fit my I can't get my right drink God's telling me to quit coaching can't get anything right today gonna get cranky gonna have to chew someone's ass the Lord's words going

through my ears like a shit through a tin horn I mean that you're right that wouldn't do anything he'd just go back and go oh geez I got an email to send to God Or somebody's going to send an email for me because I don't send emails. Like we don't have enough problems. I've got to prepare for the Florida Gators offense. Dan Mullen, he's an incredible coach, an incredible offensive mind. That guy coaches circles around me every time I see him. And now God's on my ass.

Now they put this goddamn shoe play on film, and I don't know what to do with that. We got a scheme around that now. This diabolical genius, Dan Mullen, greatest mind in all the football, him and God, one and two in my book. and now they're both coming after me. Dan Mullen's like, I agree with that ranking.