Shutdown Fullcast - Obey The Waffle House Index

Episode Date: March 25, 2020

As the Shutdown Fullcast continues quarantine, we review the emergency status of the South's major breakfast chains, give you helpful Italian lessons, and ponder the meaning of unexpected knives. Don't worry if this description doesn't make sense. Nothing else does, either. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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download the free app today and make the most of your summer with all trails. Welcome to the shutdown fullcast quarantine addition to more quarantine bonus, quarantine Sanchez, quarantine plus we yeah, that's right, you're all bloggers now did you throw Jesse, did you throw morantine in there?

Morantine! I didn't. That's all yours. Copyright that. No, it's for the good of us all. Copyright no longer exists. Nothing exists anymore. Copyright is for the good of everyone. I really didn't expect that to get an element of, you know,

the Mad Max type future, the rogue quarantine lawyers and their war rig. You can't use that picture of Spider-Man on your car. your bogus t-shirts are going to be prosecuted we're all going to let's walk away we're all going to sell bootlegs spawn merchandise to get a hard time jean simmons has the trademark to the dollar money bag sign thing it's just them it's just them and the NCAA bandits waging a war it's just mark emmer dresses himself yeah just hello hey well i think we're trying to do what's right for student athletes Yeah, just, you know, the doof with the flamethrower, the guitar playing, you know,

their hottest medley, which is no go-fundmays without our permission. I just don't think you should be allowed to transfer to Bullittown without any penalty. That's professionalism. That's not amateur athletics. Are you just going to let Max go from here to there wherever he wants without transfer restrictions? I see what's happening here. Dangerously professional. You're just going to let him eat a three-headed gecko over here

and then let him eat a three-headed gecko 50 miles down the road without saying something. This is Banner Society's production of Internet College football interest. I'm sorry, I've got to say something. Yeah. I know that we're all in the middle of a series of cascading crises and it's going to get worse before it gets a lot. better people are making decisions under duress it happens this was not a responsible time

when Spencer has all this free time on their hands for them to release that tiger king show this is not going to go well I just I'm planning a marker right now okay I take no pleasure and saying I told you so because it's usually I told you my Tennessee football team would lose that game somehow. But y'all is going bad. Holly, to the best of your knowledge, how much of this show has Spencer watched? I can hear it all the time

when he is working in my, we're trying to practice social distancing in our shared office. And even from feet away and through headphones, I can hear it kind of all the time. So I think it's just his ambient life soundtrack right now. I don't know, buddy.

How much of it have you watched? Five episodes out of six. Okay. Okay. Now, what is the, like, what is the concern here issue? What are the effects of this? Wouldn't it be neat to have a pet tiger? The answer may surprise you. I didn't say tiger.

Tigers aren't social. They don't understand friendship. They don't understand. I was like, when I made that point to you earlier today, you said it would be fine. Maybe for some. But if I'm going to sell to the group here. If it were just me and the tiger, we could establish a rapport, a bond.

However, my life's about more than just me, so I need a social animal. That's why I need a lion. A lion understands pact dynamics. A lion understands teamwork. A lion, the lion has friends. Feelings, sympathy, compassion. A lion. Do the full cats even like you?

Oh, one of them does. That's why you can hear him all the time. It would be like that. I made a movie about how nice lions are. Yeah. Except for one. See, you don't want to get scar. And they're easy to spot because they sound like Jeremy Irons.

They do. They're skinny. Don't get a skinny lion. Don't get a that's. Oh, that's the key. The most American of movies, the Lion King. Don't trust the skinny one. Don't trust the vegetarian lion.

Don't trust the vegetarian lion. That lion looks like the crow. Yeah, that lion talks to the help. Remember, that's the biggest thing with Scar, right? Ooh, he talks to, he talks to the hyenas. He's in league with him. Yeah, that's... Wait, is the Lion King monarchist propaganda?

Yes. Absolutely. Yes. Yeah. For hyenas. Exactly. The hyenas, proletariat right there. But it'd be fine.

I mean, look, everyone in the... Everyone in that documentary seems so... This is where I'm concerned that you make the term between, oh, yeah, it's a terrible idea. And then over to, I would be different. What's happened to every single person in that documentary? Arrested, shamed. Arm bit off.

Arm bit off, right? Some people would look at that and say, maybe that's the wrong path to go down. Others might look at it and go, you haven't been done it right yet. What is your secret to wildest, cat-owning success that Joe Exotic and his cadre did not appreciate. I think they've all gone down the wrong path.

Okay. Of polygamy and going by Joe Exotic? Of telling people they did it. This seems to be the big problem. Oh, yeah, that's the problem. See, so you need a secret lion. Yeah, I need a secret lion. You need to do all of this.

Secret lion. Secret lion. Got his own house. Got his own moves. No, he said a tiger was too antisocial. Oh, right. Got it. Tigers too antisocial. They were taking multiple lessons.

Although, you have argued in the past 24 hours that the tiger wouldn't be antisocial with you. No, no. But I need somebody who's compatible with the rest of my lifestyle. I need somebody who, when they go to Publix, they'll understand this is the great watering hole. And it is an area of truce. We're not to attack anyone at the watering hole. We're all here to stay alive. how the Savannah works.

The lion wants a cookie. Give the lion a cookie, Publix Bakery. The lion wants a balloon. The lion craves a balloon. I think Lion would get along well with Spencer because they have the same hairstyle. Exactly. Excellent point. See?

And so big problem number one, Ryan, is that they told people they were doing it. Sure. Right? Because I'm just joking. Secret lion. Secret lion. Got his own moose. An apartment.

got his own rules then the other thing is I think you need a lot from what I understand you need a lot of Calvin Klein perfume and cologne oh I have a lot of that because they love that

oh dear I have a lot of that yeah I think is it is it CK1 yeah that is that the one that they all find extremely attractive you're telling me like this like I've watched the tiger show

which I have not who finds this attractive the tigers the tigers no there's one Do the lions like it, too? Yeah, no, there's one. We're not so different, you and I. You both smell like the dirt bags.

I had a crush on a new. Calvin Klein. Wow. Wow, it was right there. Damn. The ultimate secret lion. Man, secret lion does sound like a, like a perfume, like a, like a cologne.

Absolutely. the other mistake that people have made is they always forget the bills involved right like oh crap i thought you're talking about the afc east they forget the bills being involved in this if you know this lion hates josh allen oh damn it see we're not so different this did open up one college football-related thing for me, though. Walmart throws out all of their expired meat and they donate it to various places. And I'm not kind of wondering how many football programs are feeding their people with the expired meat because Joe Exotic just takes a whole truck of it and feeds it to both his employees and to the Tigers and Lions on his property. What do his employees do? Do they help

tigers or what? Yeah, well, they, one of them does. get their arm bitten off. But then it's back, but then... Wait, wait, how? By putting their hand to pet one of them through the cage, a mistake I would never make. But then, but then per my understanding

via Twitter, is back at work like a week later? Five days. Okay. What is the work? What do they do? They feed the animals, the bogus Walmart meat that they get. They clean the cages.

They, in exchange for that, Joe lets them live in trailers on the property. There may be some labor issues involved when you're watching this. Sure. Yeah, definitely. Some we're not familiar with in digital media. No. Oklahoma, evidently, is not real keen on investigating. Oklahoma is not real.

Oklahoma is definitely not real. And apparently, you can own whatever you want in Oklahoma, animal wise. We were having a productive, spirited debate in the back. or society Slack the other day about which states are and aren't real. I'm of the opinion that Delaware is the fakes state. And if not for Nebraska, if not for Cornhuskers football, I would have no evidence that Nebraska exists. There were many opinions that like,

there were whole other countries proposed as being fake. I think several people mentioned that Vermont is probably not real. But I believe some of us have been to Vermont. can confirm it's real yeah yeah i gotta i gotta argue against that vermont is like america plus i assume i assume vermont is like what new hampshire invented to set to like dodge taxes they're like yeah here's my mailing address it's in vermont it's like libertarian narnia yeah is it like new hampshire's mississippi no no no no no no no it's the way around yeah alabama yeah vermont is like the nice impossibly polite uh rich private school kid that makes you not want to hate private school kids.

And New Hampshire is the near-do-well brother who's like, I'm hard. I gave myself a tap with the paper clipping the pin. Yeah, that's New Hampshire. Why do you prefer Vermont then? Because I know, I am New Hampshire, right? No, Vermont's just free or cheap. But because he needs the money that Vermont offers so that he can have his secret

lion. In Oklahoma. Yeah, no way to do that in New Hampshire. That's for sure. Yeah. Yeah, actually they won't. New Hampshire will be like, yeah, we'll let you have a lion.

Live free or die. And then two weeks later, it'll be like, sorry, you hear the noise coming from over there? Scareing the moose. Is that how they talk there? I have no doubt. Don't make, don't make him explain it.

Don't. Yeah. No, I consider myself a study of languages, but only languages created by Spencer. Sure. So for those of you, by the way, who want to hear a lot, lot, lot more about the amount of paperwork required in different states to own a tiger as a pet. We've actually talked about this before. If you scroll back to

episode 3.5 of the shutdown forecast from June 3, 2015, we do list the number of states in which there is no paperwork required to purchase and own a large cat. One of the answers may surprise you. One of the other answers will not surprise you because it's Pahoma. What's the one that would surprise? Wisconsin! Really? You... No, the funny part is we did an entire episode on this,

and I'm like, I couldn't begin to guess what the answer is... Nope. Anyway, episode 3.5, June 2015, go back and listen to it. We talk about this in an enormous amount of detail. You're welcome Netflix for speaking your hit series into the world. I have one. Vermont actually is real.

They just don't want you to know about it, right? You're not supposed to know about... Then everybody would go there. Right. It's like white people Wakanda? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It really is. Yeah. And now it's not like... It's not Southern white people Wakanda. That's College Station, Texas. That's what that... Wakanda is nice. It's like skiing white people, Wakanda.

Yeah. As opposed to I ski in Jeans Wakanda, which is college station. Texas. It's like, okay, it's prep school, Wakanda. It's prep school America, Wakanda, and not prep school, like Hargraith Military Academy is a prep school. Yeah, it's College Station, Texas is, if your idea of Wakanda is, I have ample parking, and I can... Need cash now. Oh. Yeah. I have ample parking, and my beverage is always cold in an enormous $95 beverage container that fits inside my enormous beverage container. interoriented truck.

I need a truck that'll keep my beverage cold. I feel like conversation is just Wakanda for people who are like, you know, Wakanda, they got some cool guns. They got lasers and so forth. They do. Do you see them outfits? You put one little bead on you and boom, you look like Garth Brooks. Buddy, they got a saddle on a fucking rhino, man.

That would be the best to take one of those little Wakanda wardrobe beads, slap it on your thigh, and all of a sudden you're like, boom, wranglers! that's bulletproof wranglers the CIA's had these for years you got a damn collie dog suit jimbo fisher just takes one of them beads and he's like boom shitty looking sweatsuit because the black panther suit of course is built so that as you absorb damage you become more powerful which is the opposite of every texasanem season because they're going to sprint out to seven and oh and then oh dang it we need some more of that that crazy adam Mantian, whatever you got there.

That is, this does lead to, I have a segue here because if you'll know, I believe that College Station is one of the few spots in the SEC that lacks what? A waffle house. Yes, it lacks a waffle house. And a recent appearance in the SEC championship game, but also a waffle house.

That is correct. Any way to pay their head coach through the year, 2070 through which he was contracted. It's crazy. I got 75 million to spend on these Wakand sweatsuits I wear. We're going to corner the Vibranium Market, boys. That's how we'll pay Jimbo.

Coach looks so great in his vibrating titanium pants. Claw definitely is an A&M booster. 100%. Coach, Coach, Coach, go here. I'll sell my dang arm. Yeah. Clause played by Andy Circus, who was, most people don't know this, was Reveley for 2015. Wow, he's incredible.

He's very good. He never gets the credit he deserves. Never. Just melt them to the screen. Just like Andy Circus constantly seeking a ring, he'll never get. Oh, wow. Wow. That's good.

Wow. So, yeah, of all those things, remember, $75 million, get you, Jimbo Fisher. Not a Waffle House. Doesn't get you a Waffle House. so Waffle House is in the news which is never a good sign but sometimes a funny sign

never a good one often a yeah often a dangerous amusing America's Funniestone videos R-rated version type situation but so if you are from the South or if you know anyone who is from the South then you have heard

when they start closing the Waffle House is that's when it's time to take shit serious that's when shit's hit the fan you know you know because the FBI Yeah, they go around, they call the Waffle House. They say, are you open? And they say, and if they say yes, and they check box, okay, it's safe there. But if they hear one's closed, they say, whoa, boys, we got trouble.

And then the SEAL team crashes in and they're like, wow, pia, pia, pia, pia. You know. Well, Jason, what now? Seriously. So what's happening now after decades and decades of Southerners telling each other that Waffle House is the harbinger of the fucking apocalypse is, Waffle House is rapidly closing. They have closed as of this recording, 365, out of their,

1500 locations so it's not uh that that's quite tipping point yet but no but that is pretty close to like the ratio of americans who are being has to stay at home it's not that far off right yeah wafhouse is even announcing this with a meme tagged waffle house index code red if there were ever assigned from a southern god that it's time to take shit serious this is it and i am just assuming that every fucking southerner who's repeated the wafel house index That's the only government I trust that they see this. And, you know, oh, Waffle House, just the arm of the liberal media fake hype. There's going to ruin our big financial Easter windfall.

Noted Democratic Stronghold Waffle House. They're bankrolled by Georgia Soros. Scattered smothered and Soros. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to get my granny out there, get her infected, get this over with, because I got to get them scattered and smothered y'all. We're going to have granny on the front line at Waffle House. She's going to take, so we're going to go in the door. She's going to take the first shot of the virus.

And then, you know, we're going to use a granny as a human shield so we can get the economy flowing through Waffle House again. I do notice that on the map. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Fuck. This is, I'm sorry. Brian?

I did a curse. Language, first of all. I did a cursed Google search and I found an even more an even more alarming indicator that we need to take coronavirus seriously. This is from crackerbarrel.com.

Oh, no. All checkers and peg games have been temporarily removed from our cables and front porch. There goes our whole damn academic situation. I'm sorry. I thought this was Cracker Barrel. Yeah.

Yeah, Cracker Barrel has taken away. ain't even worthy of the name. How's Mimah supposed to enjoy her chronically oversized checkers now? More like Cracker Barron. You know what I call that just plain dumb. Truly, we are a nation of Egnoree Muskie. That's the only way you'll be able to explain any of this to anyone is with the Cracker Barrel game. The T game, right?

The country had, like, seven pegs left over. Yeah, but at the same time, the government's like, you know, some of these pegs, if they would just be better for everyone, we put the one peg back and then we'll have almost a whole full board. We're going to take the oldest pegs and just kind of kick them under the table. That sounds good to me. Thank you, Mr. Barron. Cracker barrel stock

Through the roof I'm sorry I'm sorry to cut you off I just had to Google Cracker Barrel coronavirus And that was the first That was the first thing I saw And I just

Now are you going to do this? In a happier time That sounds like a rockabilly hit I know what somebody's I know what this is begging someone to do though This is begging somebody To just get drunk Bust into the lawful house

By themselves and whip them up We had whip myself up an omelet That's they're just going to walk in, film themselves. They'll go on IG Live, right? Yeah, man, we're here live in the Waffle House. This is a TikTok for sure. This is more of a Facebook live, I'm thinking.

Yeah, this is, yes, definitely. This motherfucker's like, I'm here to rebuild society. Y'all come on down. I've appropriated. I've liberated this Waffle House. Clearly ignoring all of our past directives where when society collapses, we are meeting at Cabellas. We have been over this.

This is part of the Republic of Ray Ray now. You come on down here. Early prediction. I need to call Ray Ray. Thank you for reminding me. I have smothered this facility with freedom. My favorite part of the Waffle House Index myth legend fact is that a lot of them don't even have locks on the doors.

Yeah, because they're 24 hours. Pretty much true. And like there was a point in the 80s where they did try to like, okay, we're not going to do 24 hours anymore. We're enclosing at such and such a point. And like they all realized. like oh we literally can't i guess we're not going to do that keep it rolling folks so i imagine a lot of these stores that haven't closed yet well they're going to be older ones because like the the wave of closures is mostly that kentucky ohio not to georgia yet i imagine there's some some other ray ray

who's having to go around every little house all locks yeah and then yeah and then they're attacking him oh there comes the lock man don't let him i mean to be clear i think you could probably just get a cheap surgical mask and like a biology lab skeleton and dump those on the floor in the front and just leave it open and see who decides to come in. I know what they're going to do for about half.

Counterpoint, we're converting Waffle House into field hospitals. I know, I know what they're going to... Waffle hospital. Yeah. Man, that sounds great. It's delicious and important. Just invented waffle health. I know what they're going to do for about half these. The ones in Kentucky, they're just going to put a pit bull in there. They'll be like, I like this one.

He lives down the street from me. The Waffle Health. We'll just put out a bunch of meat. The Waffle Health Organization. That's Ernie. There it is. Yeah, the WHO. Imagine the ghosts at an abandoned Waffle House.

Can I tell you the most terrifying thing about this, though, is that a lot of... This is a closed Waffle House smell like. Freedom. Exactly. It can't be, right. The scariest thing about this particular graphic, by the way, is that the corridor or like most of these are sort of sprinkled throughout the greater south, mid-south. There is a solid barricaded line of closures along I-10 coming out of Florida,

and I'm like, what do you know that I don't? Oh, God. Or is that just the first instinct people have? They're like, well, something messed up going on. You absolutely know that you're not going to be able to deal with these people. I think there's two separate things going on here. If you look at the closures in Waffle House, I think in Kentucky and Ohio, this is more of the well this is this is a sensible move we are closing these things uh in order

to shelter in place with our loved ones and down in florida it's like listen we have an extremely good idea of who we don't want to deal with when something's going wrong let's just go ahead and be proactive yeah yeah yeah that's uh i think it's also like just isolate it what's the first yeah what's the first thing we want to do when something goes wrong stop people from louisiana and from collaborating in a time of crisis. It was kind of a good idea. Return to your corners. You too.

Specifically you too. Yeah, no, but we got ideas to share. I know. No, no. Speaking of crowd dispersal, major props to Italian mares filming themselves just like screaming

either in a press conference or going on. They're also little. Yeah, they are. Oh, they're teeny men. Or going out on the street and just berating citizens to go to go to fuck home and play PlayStation instead. Like, really, a really wonderful development as Italy continues to combat the coronavirus. And I thought it would be helpful if I gave us and our audience a few Italian phrases that are pretty easy to learn.

And if you memorize them, you can use them yourself if you see dipshits congregating in public in ways that they shouldn't be. So I've got three. This first one is for if you see people doing sports specifically, if you see like a soccer game or a basketball game or you see, you know, like a bunch of bros. It's going to be year around any time you see a baseball game. That doesn't have to be during a pandemic. Yeah, please. You're playing baseball. Stop it.

all right so I'm going to do it in the style of like an instructional tape so I'm going to repeat it a little bit and then I'm going to tell you what it means um dad yeah we'll repeat it back oh you can't no no no you at home repeat it back I'm not also yeah not you also but how are we going to forget Spencer's already going to forget but that's fine huh see I'm sorry okay here we go Andare at Casa Sendri

That's fine There you go Andada ya Cases Semri unassino Semri unasino With Il Mal Di Mare

Ooh, that sounds like seafood With Il Mal Di Mare With Yeah, I'll have one of them That indosa Pantaloncini

Da Basket Put your pants in the basket. That indosa pantaloncini the basket. Tell you what, they had us in the first half, and then we got their pants in the basket. All right. So that means, go home. You look like a seasick donkey

wearing basketball shorts. Hey, you're close. This is my favorite thing, because it allows me to remind you of something I've lived for 25 years, which is that most Americans, males dress themselves up like seven-year-olds going to Disney World. I mean, that's Jason you're talking about.

Yeah, no, no. Jason wears, Jason wears like, I think pretty, he's on it with T-shirts, right? Yeah, he's a rowdy seven-year-old. He's a rowdy seven-year-old, right? All right, I'm going to use this phrase every time I see the Nebraska Cornhuskers or Alabama Crimson Tide playing basketball. That's right, there you go. Okay, this next one is if you see a singing.

person doing something they shouldn't if you like somebody who's getting too close to people at the grocery store or is you know i thought you meant like a like a person who isn't in a romantic relationship no no i mean it could be that but if you see if you see an individual this is this is designed for an individual i'm just going to let that slide man right no he's not all right here we go sevoi far so voy far okay i'm Unvalare Tutsi. Amvalari Tuts.

Meti a photo. Meet you in a photo. Del ducaso on Instagram. Oh, Instagram. Del du cazzo on Instagram.

Hey, buddy, go home and show me that ass on Instagram. That's something about fucking Instagram, right? If you don't take your ass inside, I'm going to post your ass on Instagram right now. What, you're all very close.

It says, you want to make everyone sick put a photo of your dick on instagram got oh that is mayor me all right all right here's last one this is for a group of this is for a group of people in any scenario they could be playing sports they could be doing anything it could be at a bar also for use with Nebraska basketball this is this is a perfect one for spring breakers or beach goers doing especially dipshit stuff okay I normally do I'm sorry. To the factory dey bad day.

Yeah. A la fabric of the hot dog. Oh, God. Pervedere these strontzy insiemme. And that means, normally I have to go to the hot dog factory to see

this many assholes together. Yes. Woo! And a charcutory burn. So that's a little helpful Italian for you home to use to get others around you to quit fucking around and just stay home because the rest of us are doing it and guess what we're miserable and stop making this last longer for the

rest of us okay the second one is my favorite because I see the response from someone at home going ah but but Jesse if I do this this is against the rules of the community explicitly I cannot do this because then I will lose Instagram are you telling me Italian Instagram has rules against dicks. I like that you posit that there is an Italian Instagram. I like that you think that there isn't. I don't think there isn't.

There's a Chinese Twitter. There's Twitter is different in Germany. You can't like even talk about Nazis and German Twitter. Instagram up. Like it's cool like Twitter. Yeah. How do we just log into German Twitter every day? You just put like a GE in front of it or? I

wouldn't be shocked at Italian Instagram required a dick pick every like four. Yeah. No, we just had to check in on little Chesape. Use dick recognition to unlock a cow. We'd text me every day like a fucking can check.

Hog check everybody, hog check. Fellas, give me a look. How are we looking today? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Oh, hey, whoa, whoa. Just a piece of advice from John Batista. Don't take it when it's very cold. It will mess with the dick recognition for the whole the time you're on Italian

Instagram. It sounds like, is this the speech they give you when you get off the plane in Italy? Yeah, at customs, that's what they tell you. That's plane in Italy with my dick on the Instagram.

Party in the R, party in the row, M.A. You almost said party in the ITA and that would have been perfect. That would have been better, yeah, but I screwed it up thinking about Rome. That's unlikely. Did you see, the other? thing I've seen is that Spanish quarantine is in part being enforced by the Spanish military and one of the units they sent around is extremely handsome like Italians like our Spanish special

forces there's this one brigade they're so handsome they're just they're all stunningly handsome they wear really tight pants and they look like they just came from like the new version of Oklahoma like they have like shirts open down to like mid belly and the the sleeves are rolled up and they look like male strippers. All of them look like male strippers and I thought like this is not an ins this is not well it may be an incentive right to stay

inside like oh no if I stay inside the handsome male strippers suddenly start flowing out of doors like hamsters trailing them behind men too. You may stay on your balcony's ladies so do they say like you know if you don't disperse right now

we will never make love we will put our jackets on get inside get inside so all that I had seen of this story was just the header photo and I was like damn the guys are good looking and just kept going and I didn't realize that the entire point of the story was just that these guys were so good looking

that's it there was no like they're performing a valuable service though I am sure they are that's great so this isn't a list of all the countries saying this very serious like you know oh there's they got cops got drones that are shaming people off the beach and like Japan is taking this incredibly seriously and like this country's doing this

and Spain's got hot cops. That is Spain's whole contribution here. Well, these guys are special forces which means that they have taken part in these big multinational kind of operations, right? International humanitarian operations, which has got to be great because I don't know if you've ever seen our Navy SEALs

or Green Berets, they come in two sizes like either they're five foot six and they look like sort of like lethal ferrets. There are odd jobs. or they're six foot two and they look like country ham with guns like they're just they come in like the caveman size and the little man size and there ain't a lot in between right folks we're going to pause here for an ad break for those of you who need to tend to your erections after hearing the phrase country ham with guns we used to have ads all about that actually yeah we did

for men so i just want i wanted to be there when these like super hot spanish special forces guys yeah me too brother so i would also like to be there when they show up and they're like we have the spanish special forces and all these guys are like damn what do we do real it sounds like it sounds like there's a fucking international operation a coalition and like everybody's logging on and they're like oh thank god the australians are here and like oh oh oh good you know this country that country and like hey hey what are these fellers here for i'm just picturing the america special forces like nervously facetiming one another than the night before and there

there's clothes all over the room they're like I'm not even packed yet every time we go I mean they're overdressed or underdressed like and never tell which one it's going to get into the room they're so attractive they're so hot I haven't touched a carb in two weeks and they're still hotter than me and all they eat is am and butter

it's not right dude I love that it like the character I don't want they say I start licking my lips I feel like in any sort of a crisis situation these Spanish cops don't actually do anything like they're sort of it's just there for morale right that's great we need that

like everyone else just works a little bit harder at the sight of them um if you all want to be bummed go look up like where these uniforms actually came from it sucks it's really yeah well it sucks it's just aggressive it's a it's aggressively fascist that's all so they're hot fascists yeah basically Hugo boss could cut a trouser and he did

for many a Nazi. Did you remember Paolo? God, he was so hot and fascist. We can't compete with that shit. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, Spain, bringing hot cops to the fight. Thank you, Spain. Hot Cops feels like

it comes with its own song that I've just forgotten. Like, it was a song that I knew as a child. That's from arrest of development, right? Hot Cops. It's the, yeah. No? No. Not a hell of thing. That's what she's talking about. No. But yeah, that's what Spain is.

is bringing at the table, which is perfect, right? Italy's bringing Cussin mayors. My favorite being the Italian Cussin mayor who said, I will bring a flamethrower down there myself. That was the one, that was one of the calmer ones, too. He was like, hey, I know you want to have graduation parties. I'll bring a fucking flame throw to your house. Have a great day. Which, I don't know, man. At my graduation part, I've been like, I would like to see that. Yeah. Come down here. Is that my present? Is that my present? Thank you.

Awesome. The other guy who, when he was openly taunting the kid to go play, play, go play on with your PlayStation. Go play with your little PlayStation. God. Absolutely fantastic. All for a very good cause, but still fantastic. Is this the part where we should talk about?

So some people are like, hey, this is how you should spend all this free time? time you have now that you're not going to work and you have to stay home no no no no no no no I mean some people are like that I'm just already shaking my oh okay okay I was gonna say because like we've talked about like in the in please don't laugh the planning sessions for this podcast we've talked about like should we talk about like books and TV shows and blah blah blah that we want to recommend the people who you know which is a thing that we talk about sometimes in the off season anyway usually more towards the end of the off season and not the off season of civilization.

Right. Yeah. I am experiencing a very weird reaction when I see these articles which are like, here's all the great like, here are the video games you should play and here are the Netflix things you should watch. Here's the podcast. That just sounds like homework. Don't get me yours.

I mostly am just like, yes, but I have a child who's with me all the time and I'm so tired and there's no time for fun. Like, none of this is. Frozen too. again. I have.

I promise you. Again. I will. I know. Yeah, I don't know where necessarily even the anxiety to, because I think that's a form of anxiety you don't need to worry about, especially because you have a kid. I have two boys, and I will tell you. They're terrible.

I will tell you until relief rolled in around, you know, 1230 today. Yeah. I don't remember a goddamn thing that happened. We built a treboshae. That was part of it. I broke up two fights At least like two really Not pretty fights

Not like oh boys, boy, flippy boys You're like no You need to keep your goddamn hand out of his face Because that's how a cop shoot you Like stuff that comes out of your mouth When you're saying that, right? Right, right That's how you get killed son

Right I'm gonna teach you how the world works I just I have like a newfound understanding For the pilgrims and like the pioneers And people who win these very long distances often with their families because I think initially I was like god those journeys seemed fucking terrible and you had like a relatively stable life where you were why did you leave and the answer is because your kids were in your house and if you got in a covered wagon and just

kept moving for months even though you got sick even though you got attacked even though you're wagon fucking no that's exactly the point is that you might arrive with fewer kids haven't you played organ trail and on the way you could just be like like, oh, I'm sorry, yeah, we can't know. I would love to play pretend with you, but I have to drive this wagon for another 18 days. So, as you can see, we can't have that fun. Anyway, go play in the back. Yeah, no, there's really, like, if you have a kid or multiple kids,

they're just going to eat your time demanding, demanding things that really are kind of like you're kind of half-service industry, half-terable educator at this point, right? here you're doing an assignment I'm going to be over here building a trebishe here I'm going to turn over here and are you done with your assignment okay you have now fired the trebiset into the flat screen television

and broken it and now we are going to have to purchase another one please stop doing that okay you've turned it to YouTube and you are no longer working on your assignment please turn off that horrible YouTube with the Dutch YouTube gamer guy who I'm doing to

one that talks like this he talks like a morning zoo crew everything that I heard today that wasn't the goddamn tiger show was that guy's voice I'm gonna hunt down jelly and I'm going to strangle him on a live stream

it's gonna happen I've been thinking a lot about killing myself you're not even my kids you turn back and the younger child has gotten a drill out from somewhere you don't really know where so you have to tell them to put the drill down

before they do something absolutely terrible meanwhile behind me I hear yeah there's the Dutch YouTuber again I feel like I have just been transformed like I'm whilst I am sheltering in place with family and I have multiple rowdy nephews running around I feel as though I am constantly trapped in that one

crystalline moment in home alone where Kevin's dad goes my new fish hooks and you just hear you just hear the years of despair all built up in this one quiet moment of defeat. And yeah, that's where I'm at emotionally. Yeah, so if you've got kids, here's my

advice. I don't even have kids. They've been foisted at me. Great job, everybody. You have more of an infestation of kids. Uh-huh. Uh-huh, that's exactly it. Go find a budding YouTuber who's approaching a million views, kidnap them, and hold them for ransom.

Can't even take the kids to cracker barrel and play the goddamn tea game with them anymore. I might not even be able to egg of Waffle House. I'm going to have to liberate that bitch myself. You know what's going to happen? My kids are going to do the wrong thing. I'll be like, don't touch the deep fryer. God damn it. You just put it,

you just put a plushy into the deep fryer. And now you're crying because you put a plushy into the deep friar. That's to all plushies. It's delicious. So it sounds like the home entertainment solution is to simply have young children because the entertainment

is endless. Like I am I am legitimately concerned and empathetic towards people who are, like, alone during this, because that is a different version of- Oh, yeah, you got a whole different barrel of psychoses to paw through. Right. And, like, I- genuinely, if you are- But also, do you want to borrow a nephew? I have extra. If you are by yourself and you are sheltering in place for 14, however many days, that sucks, and that's hard, and I'm sorry. I genuinely am. And at the same time, I would kill for your life

I would kill for it you might you might still kill for their life no I'm not allowed to can I can you can you imagine by the way a submarine movie like you know with a single toddler

would no like yeah like if you were if like if you were the for red October but there's a toddler on board talking over everybody constantly that's way scary like the KGB assassins are the crew of a submarine yes yeah Yeah.

Crimson Toddler. Like if you were, if you were... Crimson Todd. If you were the only adult on a submarine full of toddlers and everything was fine with the submarine, you wouldn't need an external antagonist. You wouldn't need, because all the adversity is going to be coming from the ship. Snack time. What are you going to do about snack time, Denzel Washington?

Like Life of Pie, the movie about the movie and book about the, the boy stranded at sea on a boat with the tiger, exactly the same if you make the tiger a four-year-old, exactly the same. I'm doing great, and I'm feeling great, and my coworkers can attest that my child literally ended a meeting that we were having today because she walked in and wanted to talk, and I just gave up.

I gave up on the meeting, and I said that was it. I think it was good shit. You should have let her, should have let her it all out. She doesn't, she, I'm good. I'm fine. No, go ahead. Go ahead. We talk a lot, listen, we talk a lot about sons and we are just beginning to explore, you know, your coming online daughter. It's sort of, right now, I think this is what it probably feels like to live in the Wonka factory. Because when you're touring the Wonka factory, you're like, whoa, there's like a lot of cool shit here. It's pretty weird, but we're just here for the day to see it. And then we're going to, going to go back to regular life. But now I live in the Wonka factory. So it's just like here, here's another stupid fucking song. Here, I want you to do this ridiculous thing. Can I have chocolate now? Sure. Why not? Let's just all have chocolate. Yeah. Hell yeah. I'm starting to run out

of, I'm starting to run out of reasons why I shouldn't let my kids have things. My child told me today that she wants a permanent tattoo of Elsa, Anna, Frida Kahlo, and Moana. on her arm and I and I was like and I was like you know what if the tattoo parlors were open I'd probably go for it because that sounds pretty boss I was going to say you I think the proper response would have been honey that's more of a back piece I'm going to you know in two days you'll be like who needs a parlor let's do that bitch up here come on's right I'm just going to stencil this here you cool you cool if I free hand this yeah no I'm good it's it's hard for everybody. I was scrolling Twitter earlier and Bill Connolly's wife made something for dinner called

Chicago style hot dog meatloaf. Wow. There's a picture. It appears to be, if I can imagine a science class presentation about the Earth's layers. Oh, Spencer, look, there's cheese. Yeah, I'm looking at a picture of it. And if I just said, where it'd be like, here, there's a vein of hot dog running somewhere through the earth's crust here. That's what it looks like. Okay, tomorrow tell the kids that there's a vein of hot dog running to the earth's crust

and they have to find out. Oh, oh, I forgot to mention the latest backyard nephew incident. This one involving Spencer's children, which is they, my backyard is filled dirt, which was, you know, unsurprising to discover a year ago

and has gotten less and less funny. over the past year as more and more items have emerged from the fill dirt. Those boys were tussling in the backyard and one of them fell and right as one of them began to scream at the scrapes.

The other one picked up an enormous knife that is not mine in the backyard and goes, he tripped over this. Free knife! How big do you think that knife was? It was a steak knife. like it but it was it had a big handle on it yeah no I mean it was like a like a pairing knife like not a knife that you would like put at a dinner plate to like cut a steak with like a steak knife

no it was like the kind of it was like the kind of yeah yeah yeah venison that's what it was used for what part what part of revelation is it when the earth starts bubbling up knives it doesn't also what like one other kid thing I found a paint scraper in the front yard and so far that was the most festive thing that my yard had burped up um but you know it doesn't matter they're going to find it like it doesn't matter okay so so uh they'll fall and they'll find whatever you're they're not supposed to find right so if you go ah you know what i think i'm going to put that uh i'll put that bandsaw up later right i'm not going to leave it plugged in uh but i'll unplug it for safety but i'll put that band saw up later and then like two minutes later you hear what's this yeah like it wouldn't matter right in a movie If you wanted to have the most plausible, ah, here's how the button to launch all the nukes got pressed

accidentally. Here's how you would do it. You'd have like a really curious seven-year-old boy wandering your house, right? And they'd just go, oh, hey, look what I found. Blink, push. They're going to find it. Whatever the dangerous thing is, right? So in your version of Home Alone, the house is on fire within seven minutes of you leaving.

Seven minutes. It is the shortest movie possible, right? You know how Kevin only waits until everyone's gone to climb the shelves? That's how you know it's fiction. He would, like, my children would have done it in front of everyone. The thing that's making me the most nervous about this situation is, so we have an isolation cell, right, set up with a couple of families who are only having contact with each other so we can, you know,

everyone can rotate and no one has to watch their own children and so these rowdy boys end up in my yard every once in a while the fact that they fell over a huge knife and the knife did not cause them injury it kind of makes me wonder what the showrunners have in store for tomorrow I don't want to know the truth like they fell over like they fell over a knife it caused none of them injury, the uninjured child brought the knife to Spencer without incident and handed it over and I'm like, what are you fuckers

plodding? Knife's haunted. Knife ghost. That knife's going places. Is that the moon knife? What do you do with the knife? Is that Buzz Aldrin's moon knife? Yeah, I don't, yeah. It will end me.

I will have no resistance. My kid's going to be like, hey, I want to play video games. It's 6.30 in the morning. Crack a beer. Give me your ATM card. I'm just going to take it. I don't give a shit. At this point,

I don't care what they watch as long as it's on mute. I don't care. So the counterpoint to all of this is I think Jason's doing fine. He's fine. All regular here. So like I have,

so there is a little bit of light at the end of y'all's particular tunnels, you know, as someone with an old pile. That's one kind of light. Go toward it. Just float toward it. You know, Ryan, you have a young daughter. When she's, once she's Evie's age, things will get better.

Spencer, you have boys, so hang on. It's never getting better. I'm going to die. And you know that. So one day they'll be like you, and then there'll be somebody else's problem. Hey, honestly, if Spencer gets the lion, I think he can tip the balance of power. It is very, very cool having a Generation Z athlete. Because, like, all she cares about is like, oh, cool, I can do gym.

next is class online now like i can do sports on my phone like she thinks quarantine is fucking awesome yeah so i don't know maybe try that i i did try that i i i have tried showing my daughter simone biles uh clips which she enjoyed and then all she wanted to do was do running somersaults in the backyard that's good though and you know what that was a good way to kill 20 minutes i'm not yeah there you go yeah yeah you know my boys do with that? That would go cool and they would immediately do a somersault through a play glass door. Again,

20 minutes down. Have you considered that maybe you have stuntmen for children? No, because it's not like they do this out of some sort of physical daring or skill. They just fall. To be clear, to be clear, it's not necessarily a requirement that a stuntman do

it out of physical daring or skill. As long as it looks good on camera, you know what I mean? You remember the, you remember the, you remember the They could be something in a movie like The Raid where it's like, I think these stunt guys are literally hurting themselves. Right. Yes.

And it's like, no, they're just really, really, really good at their jobs. Maybe you have like John Wick counterparts. Like people John Wick beats up that don't have full names. Okay, so I was watching Mad Max 2, The Road Warrior. And two of the most spectacular stunts in that movie

are not stunts. They're stunts gone wrong. Accidents. that ended up in the movie because they looked incredible. But there's one toward the end that reminded me of both of my sons because the idea behind the stunt, originally, George Miller, had the guy drive a motorcycle, and he was supposed to leave the motorcycle at one point

and then land on a very sophisticated series of cushions and safety barriers that would arrest his fault. And by a sophisticated system of safety barriers, I mean a bunch of cardboard boxes. Sure, right. George Miller is a medical doctor, by the way. It was at the time that he filmed. Director of Babe Pig in the City.

That's right, and Happy Feet and Fury Road. What a wonder is man. So the stuntman is supposed to leave the motorcycle, right? And on the way off the motorcycle, his toe clips the handle bar and sends him hurtling through space end over and pinwheeling and injures him very, very bad. This is exactly the kind of stunt person. that my kids would be but with simple things like please exit the building and move to the left

and exit the screen that's what would happen they're like the children from the easter from easter island on the critic who while standing there their big heads just caused them to fall over that's them and i'm stuck in the house with them as to watch them do incredibly stupid things and then just go what this is for me that's the most infuriating thing you go where did you get a It's, that's me. Where did you get the absolute cluelessness that you have that would cause you to... This is your birthright, my boy! I've said this sentence this week.

You're standing in the line of fire of the trebice, son. I said that. I said that. I was like, you're going to get hurt by the trebicee. Please move. Okay, you can do this. I know, I know. Carvana makes it so convenient to sell your car.

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