Shutdown Fullcast - One Uninterrupted Hour Of Wake Forest Academic Slander

Episode Date: July 3, 2024

Ryan issues a surprise correction A truck stop etiquette lesson Who deserves the distinction of “worst astronaut”? Some more about the video game, not a trap this time! Probably! Impromptu production meeting for our Raleigh show This season's newest roadside fireworks stand offerings, reviewed This week's theme song arranged and performed by Matthew Klovski Follow Jason's work and upcoming book-related appearances on Vacation Bible School, Shutdown Fullbooks, and elsewhere at jasonkirk.fyi Find Holly and Spencer writing and chirping at channel-6.ghost.io Listen to Ryan's other, less harrowing podcast, We're Not All Like This, and check out his new project at assigned.substack.com  Purchase only the finest Fullcast gear and keep up with our live show schedule at sunny preownedairboats.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I don't like doing this. The show? Yeah. A lot of that going around. Join the club. No. No. I don't like you doing this either.

So I listened to last week's show. Why? Oh, god damn. What the hell? So you're the one. Yeah. We noticed a spike. I, I, I, I, I feel compelled to issue a correction.

It's not something. I do lightly. Here we go. And it's not something I take any pleasure in, but like... Is this because Reddit told you to? No. Is this because we said Tampa and Fort Lauderdale, we're part of the same metro area? Because I stand by that.

It has nothing to do with Florida. Cool. But we have to get some shit right. And that's, that's, it doesn't matter who said it. The other people who were on the show didn't say anything. Serber didn't say anything. It doesn't matter that I wasn't on the episode. Like, we have to stand for something.

the 90s action movie that takes place at a Stanley Cup final game is not Steven Segal movie it's a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie and it's called sudden death and it deserves our respect I don't take blame for this because I was the one asking it's not your fault it's on it's on absolutely all of us I don't take I'm saying it's on everybody but me I don't remember talking about this so yeah it's a movie it's a movie that takes place in Pittsburgh where Jean-Claude Van Dam is a firefighter who's taking his son to game seven of the Stanley Cup final. That's how you know it's a movie.

The vice president is there. Powers Booth takes the vice president hostage and has the arena wired to it. First of all, if you're worried about spoilers for this movie, just skip forward a little bit. So Bain wasn't the first to terrorize Pittsburgh Sports. Bain was not the first. Inspired by? Hard to say. Seems likely.

Well, no, because there's a championship. Damn. The building is wired to explode at the end of the game. In this movie, Jean-Claude Van Dam fights and kills a woman who is dressed like the in the penguin mascot outfit. That's fucked up.

He ends up playing in the Stanley Cup final. Whoa, whoa, whoa. He ends up playing goalie and saving a key shot to send the game to overtime, which according to Powers Booth's rules means the stadium will not explode because we have to finish the game.

It's such a sports come first movie. Does it delay the explosion or it does? Nullify it. It does. It doesn't nullify it because the game will still end. But it does it does like the movie does what it says on the tent. It's called Sund Death. So does he have to both play

hockey and fuse the bomb or whatever? Yes, he does all of these things. He to fight the terrorists he has to find his son who has gone missing and i think power's booth gets a hold of uh he has to play for the the pittsburgh penguins and and play competently nobody notices that he's at a world class level yes uh he's he's wearing of course the goalie mask which helps helps nobody know what's up yeah please is this uh officially licensed with n hl logos and everything oh a hundred percent incredible 100 now i'm imagining like the um The last Boy Scout having like NFL logos with guys shooting each other on the field.

Yeah. I mean, it's, yes, he is, they do establish that he's a French Canadian born firefighter and that he's not a Pittsburgher by by Berger. So like explaining his accent because John Clyde doing the Pittsburgh accent, we'd love to hear it. Yeah. And he's, and he saves the damn day and nothing explodes. And I think even like actual NHL players are in this. hockey's desperate for attention and always has been but this is the kind of attention they should get

please like my sport and we'll blow up the stadium I do like that even in this movie that hockey was like we're all on board do whatever you want it's not the president who comes to game seven it's the vice versa no I could fantasize that to that level there's a lot of sports movies about like artificially high stakes like the fan

yeah like we're not barry bonds has to do whatever to save the guy and it's raining or whatever and uh robert deniro yeah is the crazy one yeah and last boy scout and facing the giants and roller ball obviously speed is a sports movie of course ryan i'm sure you concur yeah uh also power's booth dies when his helicopter his pilot is shot i think by jean claude van dand while playing goal and his helicopter crashes through the arena onto the center ice and dies in a fireball.

Do they keep playing around it? I think at this way the game is over but real hockey would play around it. You're right. It's play hockey, bitch. Five minute. It's five minute break.

That's it. So, so yeah, look, we say things on this show that aren't right. Frankly, I think this is on me.

I think if I had had the conversation about, if I had had the conversation about sudden death with all of you earlier and more regularly we wouldn't have gotten to this place why don't we just blame spencer because there's no way stephen seagall has the flexibility to play goalie let's be honest he's pretty wide so he's wide but like you've seen you've seen jcvd do the splits you know he can kick save man imagine if seagull could move like john Claude.

That would be a fucking goalie. He moves like a mutant Sentinel. That's all. I'm sorry. I didn't want to start things out on a bad note. Thank you.

And Reddit, I can confirm I'm aware Tampa is not in Miami. Thank you. I don't know who that would have made matter, frankly. The idea that

Tampa was part of Miami. Oh, that was on me. And I thought I made it very clear that I was saying that both cities, urban areas, we're eventually going to sprawl and merge across the state of Florida.

Sure, short of a sort of a kudzu combination thing. I think it's also... Grand Theft Auto has made it canon that Florida's fucking Florida. So... Yeah, I do not accept that criticism at all. No, that's fine. Sorry, take it back. That's fine.

Deadpools from Utah. God, that tracks, boy. I also, before we jump into what I'm sure is going to be a robust college football discussion, as it always is. I had a good realization while I was in Florida. I think I have been laboring under the false belief that I take arguments just for what they are. Like, I don't think, I try not, I try to separate the argument from the person putting it forward. It's a very lawyer-brained of me, and I don't think I actually believe in it anymore.

Because I was thinking about people who are like, men shouldn't wear shorts. Shorts are stupid on men. Don't wear shorts. Oh, is it that time again? It is that time again. Fox.com is still around? You know, there's so many places that can do it at this point. The internet's a big place.

Wait till the AI gets a hold of shorts. How about they're allowed to do this and I can't tell them to kill themselves? You can. You just did. Supreme Court said anything. You're living the dream now. Holly, as long as you're president, you can do that. It is my personal, it is my personal quest to drag the Overton window of Blue Sky over to where I can tell strangers.

to jump in a bathtub with a toaster. Corrupted blue sky. But I realize that I am, I respect the argument against shorts more when it comes from a very specific kind of person. And that is the person who wears jeans to a theme park in Florida in June. Those people,

those people are at least standing in their truth. They are living it as hard as they fucking get. I am. If they want to tell me that shorts are stupid, I at least, they are committed to the bit. If you are some dumb-ass columnist. They definitely know from stupid. Yes. If you are some dumb-ass columnist is just like, we're from the air-conditioned office.

I'm just going to write about how shorts are stupid. No, you need to be mowing your fucking lawn in pants. You need to be going to soccer practice. You need to be all pants all the time. Like the real G's at Bush Gardens, Tampa, Florida. Ride in the long flume in my non-elasticized denim. That's right. That's right.

I need, like, Central American cattle rustler. I will take that note on shorts from that person. Yes, yes. So. Letting all that log flume water trickle into my crew socks and from there into my navy and white new balances. I'll tell you, all that humidity will flume your log for sure. All right. That's all I learned in Florida.

Yep, that's all there is to learn. you've uh you've uh 100% completion of florida maxed out that's the good ending good ending is leaving isn't it um speaking of maxed out florida ryan would you like to um share what your youngest child uh oh that you i heard you had to have another another tough conversation over the weekend about florida um It was a pretty brief conversation at least, but there was a moment when I realized, I think this is what you're talking about, the moment when I realized we needed to leave and we couldn't stay in Florida anymore. Yeah, we were getting ready to get on the road. We stopped at a gas station and my child hopped out of the van without any shoes on and got ready to start walking into the gas station with no shoes on whatsoever. And I said, nope, first of all, we're not doing that.

Serber, do not encourage this. No, no, no. It's a month without burr on the end of it. Why do you have shoes on? Hell yeah, brother. Look, I'm not talking like, we're not talking like nice shoes. I just need something to be on your feet. Okay, okay.

We can work at that. Is this to protect him from what might be in the Wawa? This was, Serber, I think you'll appreciate this. This was a truck stop. I forget the brand name of it. but I swear to God my daughter thought this was the most magical

place in the world. This was a truck stop that had a barbershop. It had a workout facility. It had a movie room. It had an arcade. It had showers and laundry. Yeah. They're out there, brother. I think I've ever seen one with a movie theater. It had a small, it had like

a small little movie theater. It just had like church moving chairs and it wasn't really don't think I've ever seen one. Yeah. That is wild. She was like, you can live here. I was like, please don't. Please don't do that. So she had to raise you because it's a nice truck stop. Yeah, because it's a nice place.

We're going to town. Don't get us pointed at. Don't get us banned from the truck stop. We'll have to go to the shoeless truck stop. Those damn four-wheelers are walking in with no shoes on again. ruin it for all us clean truckers our damn property values

I can't even watch a fucking movie at the truck stop anymore without some Can't even watch Twilight at the truck stop They got me govern down to 66 There I am Crying to Paramore Decode In the truck stop movie theater

When some barefoot kid comes in Feet covered in bandades and shit Contemplating how really don't we all Have the skin of killers When you think about it ...their... ...their... welcome welcome to the shutdown forecast I don't know I shouldn't I shouldn't be

doing this internet's only a college football podcast right I forget how it goes what do we that's it he goes welcome uh huh then what yet then what happens next I thought you listen to the show no just the one well we said it on there so yeah now we have two problems shit I think it's giving me the yet. It's the internet's only college football podcast. Uh-huh. Let me say our names. I am Spencer Hall. I am Spencer Hall. Holly, Spencer Hall. Joining me as always are Jason Kirk, Ryan Nanny. Hi. Hello. Michael Serber on the ones and twos. Holly Anderson is dead. You did it. Congratulations.

Oh, man. I should have worn this fucking shoes. Died of sheets, flu. that's how she would have wanted to go that's what happens in Last of Us 2 spoiler for that as well you think Sheets pox have like a little fried crust on them I hope so I guess I'll find out

Which chain pox would you most want to get Sheets Gas station specifically I guess we could start there I don't want Bucky Pox No that's too fucking big No you don't want a big pox also that's too that's just too popular now true

I think I'd take a like a good Circle K sickness seems like pretty workman like yeah yeah no no no fuss no frills it's not gonna kill you right away like a 7-11 right I might go racetrack because it'll hurry its way out of me also they're most known for their like yogurt bar

so it'll be a nice smooth flu You don't want to I'm revising my answer to quick trip because I'm pretty sure that all those little puscules are just full of delicious tea. She's got quick trip fever

and it's fatal. You don't want the doctor to say. It's going to be a quick trip. Doc, when is it not? Oh, man. I have a college football thing. Oh, my God. Kind of here in...

Is it about Bud? July. but is in it we are going back to the video game I'm so excited about this we're going back to the video game because they're putting out ratings and rankings and such and you know some people are concerned about the teams at the top of the list like ooh why is Colorado in there it's because they have you know two really good players who you who perform as three really good players

there also also it gets you mad yeah also gets you mad and also like now Rihanna might play it She watched that Colorado, Colorado State game. So don't you want Rihanna to play the video game? Obviously, we're more concerned about the teams at the bottom of the rankings. Those are the teams you can take over in Dynasty and Fix. The academic rankings, we've got a peek at those in today's Dynasty mode reveal that the full document is like 10,000 words. Perfect.

I need more. And in there, there's a peak of the recruit. recruiting part of dynasty, which, you know, anyone who's a long time participant in this series knows how much time you will be spending on this mode, searching for some two-star desperate enough to come to your miserable little university. And each recruit has, you know, a series of things they're interested in, playing time, NFL potential. One of those is, of course, academics. I don't know why anyone would care about that, but there are are apparently people who evaluate universities based on whatever that is. And, you know, each school has its own rankings in those factors. Obviously, there's going to be more, for instance, NFL potential at Georgia than at Wyoming for the time being. Now, academics, that also has rankings.

And the teams appearing at the top of that list, getting an A-plus grade, include Rice, Stanford, UCLA, Cal, Duke. The team's getting an A are led by Michigan. Stop me when you get to, can we all raise our hands when we get to the weird one? Well, the team's just shy of A-plus are led by Michigan. One spot shy of an A-plus. I think they don't want to be showy.

Yeah, I said online, it's a demonstration of humility, but still, that's going to bother them for the rest of the lives. Also, y'all invited UCLA in On Purpose, and now you have a new really scary rivalry to play every year, which is the U.S. News and World Report rivalry. Did you think about that? Let's see. Oh, also Northwestern is up there.

I forgot. I forgot they play FBS football. That's not the school that caught my eye. So in the second tier in which Michigan resides, right after Michigan is the one that everyone on social media is pointing at confusedly, which is Illinois. Yeah, I'm not, it's so high up that I can't doubt it. I just want to know more.

Yeah, it's, I've seen Illinois alumni already defensive online. We have a lot of Nobel Prize winners. They do. I'm looking at it now. Lots of schools have lots of Nobel Prize winners. Well, like, what the fuck does that have to do with the football team? This is my question, yes, yes. Like, unless you have a football playing Nobel Prize winner,

That'd be any trick. Oh, Tony Kahn. The wrestling owner, he went to Illinois. That is why they're not an A-plus, got it. That's probably relevant. Hmm. But it's so high up on the list that I'm like, well, that it makes me think there must be something that I'm missing.

I think Will Leach bumped him up to an A. How about that? Sure. Jeff George, uh-huh, yep. I forgot about him. And his many publications. Is his fine work in microbiology? Was it Richard Menonhol who restarted the like, let's have a race draft conversation?

Or am I thinking of somebody else? I probably missed that round of it. Oh, boy. All right. That was an amazing 48 hours before, as usual, our cousins ruined it. it was richard mendon hall so that's why probably

yes because he this is back in December when he said we should have a white versus black pro pro pro oh right yeah wow bold thinking without question Notre Dame Vanderbilt and Georgia Tech are also in that second tier

now you know who's fucking fuming right now is Wake Forest. Why? Sirber, can you confirm what's the... And Miami. No, I was trying to think of public, private schools that got left out of those top schools. Oh, okay. Yeah, I...

So my wife has a graduate degree from Wake Forest. She probably wouldn't care. But my friend, my golf buddy that went to Wake for undergrad, I'm going to ask him about this. And he's, he's gonna be. he's going to say it doesn't matter in a voice which is a lie yeah in a voice that says that's a lie

like a voice it's just a little too uptight yeah yep yep it doesn't fucking matter they can just put whatever they want in the game yeah it's not real it's just a game we're next you're gonna play balder's gate and think that's real

I do I do hope that all video games going forward start shitting on Wake Forest academics I hope you're playing like Witcher 5 and it's like wow you went to Wake Forest you're like why you're being mean about that It seems uncharacteristic. Castlevania is like, you call that a fucking gate?

Yeah. Sorry, that was a deep wait for us cut. It's good. It was good because I got it. You wish to Salem Nians. Um, I don't know. They have six astronauts. That doesn't seem like a lot of astronauts.

Do you know how many astronauts Tennessee has? Like, we got to stop using that as current. I think maybe that is what- We'll start calling Tennessee a good school. Maybe that's the problem is that when you do an academic ranking, it doesn't really tell you, like, what is this based on? How should I know if this is any good? if we had an astronaut ranking in NCAA and so and that was the thing you could pitch

recruits based on just like we have this many astronauts you can get the fuck out of here present the problem nine astronauts went to tennessee that's fine that's great it works for you in the game that's good i think it should be added to like pro potential right you can go pro as a football player or an astronaut that's it yeah yeah i don't know that i'd want to be an astronaut right now. Why? Because they might not let you come back. Listen, they're just casually stuck, okay?

I don't know why everybody's... Do you want to go to space or not? Like, the NASA's whole thing is like, you're freaking out way too much. You wanted to be in space so fucking bad. Nobody ever dreams about coming back from space. Listen, they're not stuck. We're just not bringing them back.

It's two totally different things. You didn't do all that fucking math to leave space. The degree of casual whistling that is being done around this story, like, do-to-do-do-do. Listen to the birdies and look at the trees, nothing to see here. It's totally fun. Yeah, I mean, if we're just going off schools that have graduated the most astronauts,

according to a U.S. News and World Report thing that I just pulled, that also play football. Navy, Air Force, Stanford, Purdue, Army, Georgia Tech, Texas, up there with 13. Like, this is, this is, Colorado is, 12 astronauts. Navy has a whole wiki page about their astronauts. Michigan, why do you not have more astronauts, Michigan?

Too grounded, Ryan. No, that's bullshit. Michigan men always look to the stars. Don't tell me that they don't do that. Don't even. Okay, they have more astronauts than I thought. Never mind, I apologize. I wonder who has, I mean, obviously,

lots of schools have the fewest astronauts, but I wonder who has, like, the fewest astronauts. It doesn't have, like, the worst astronauts. shittiest astronauts the one worst astronaut all right hold on let's try that so like someone who fucked up in um armageddon the 10 worst astronauts of all time there is a web like I don't know why we think we need AI at this point we've made all the internet we ever need to make we don't need to make anymore is there already a worst astronauts is this this has got to be a Reddit discussion so I think this is this is on something called inverse which I don't know what

that is. Uh, this, all right, tied at one through three. Gerald Carr, Edward Gibson, and William Pogue. Okay. It's not fair putting dead ones in there. This is, this is from Skylab three. This is, I don't think these ones are dead. Oh, I'm, I'm going down.

Sorry. Oh, you were, you were looking at different. Okay. Yeah. Um, I'm like, you can't, okay. Okay. Okay. Because the ones that died in fiery explosions, you're like, okay, they've suffered enough.

Oh, okay. So these guys are considered the worst astronauts because, On the way up to Skylab in 1973, one of them threw up, which was not that unusual, but the medical director cares about it. The other two astronauts did not tell mission control that he threw up. They just said he wasn't feeling good. NASA was recording the cabin and discovered the vomit the next day. Roger, we've got a sour tummy. They were pretty mad about it.

And NASA's pretty good. Yeah, like, I think lying to mom NASA about, no, I didn't throw up and just like shuffling it under your bed is probably. I don't have to go. Do you say you have to go before you let? No. Yeah. Although the one who's listed in number four is somebody who brought a John Young brought a two-day-old corned beef sandwich. That's the exact story I was looking for because I was like, it's going to be one of the guys you tried to smuggle something.

And the best part, according to this write-up is that. NASA was pissed because the whole point, this was on the Gemini 3 mission. Yeah, he ruined the experiment. The whole point of the mission was to try out new space food. And this is fucking brought a sandwich. That's space food now. I guess that's a good point. I have created space food.

I hope that he made that argument. Fuck, John. Now every astronaut has to go to Slatskys before they get in the... Oh, I need something on my tummy. You ruined it. Now corned beef has to be a part of every NASA flight going forward. I ain't a big-ass Jimmy Johns before I go to space. This is such a Mike Felder-coded move.

He's like, well, what if I don't like the food? I'm not letting you go on that. I don't want to eat that. All right. So, yeah, there are worse astronauts. Where did they go to school? I don't know. I'm not digging into it.

Jason, they have not released the full academic list, though. They just just. Oh, I cannot wait. I cannot wait. Like, somebody's got to be last. which, like, you can't be too mean to a school, so I'm assuming they're all just, like, tied at C or something, you know? Like, they're not going to give a school an F.

But sure it would be cool if they did. There's a lot of Texas states, I don't know. You know, like, we know good and well. There are people contributing to the creation of video game who are hearing these words. So, I don't know. Just, you know, it'd be funny. Maybe try it.

Well, also, like, this is a thing, this is a thing like the NCAA, it's a different thing and it's kind of a bullshit thing, APR, but like the NCAA has the courage to say, I'm scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, that New Mexico State has the worst APR ranking, at least as of 2023. LSU, you're just barely above them. So here is a different campus ranking from our friends at the Sickco's Committee, of course. Top 10 universities, according to a metric I will reveal, all right? Florida State, number 10, already you're dubious, but bear with me.

Tide at seven would be Fresno State, San Jose State, and Texas State. Tied at five, N IU in Houston, and tied at number one, LSU, Syracuse, Louisiana, the Rage in Cajuns, and Texas Tech. This is Popeye's proximity to campus, of course. I was going to say Cracker Barrel, but okay. Sure, yeah. Sure. I assume Florida State has a cracker barrel on campus. It's a dorm. That's actually a major...

The president's office. Please, have a candy stick. Sit down. That's a lot of... No, it's not actually... racist for one campus. Planting a swizzle stick at midfield.

If you want to register for classes, you must beat me in big checkers first. Just plain egg no ray moose is what it says on your diploma. Oh, boy. Well, good for, I say good for Illinois. I'm proud of Illinois and all the beautiful, brilliant people who went there.

All the boom. this will be for their recruiting, I'm sure, just certain of it. You can see it. You can see it pay off each year in the recruiting rankings. That's the thing that makes perfect sense. It's the Bila Mahalo. Oh, his general intelligence buffs. Now, what if EA turns around and it's like, fuck, that was wrong, B minus.

You got dropped? Whoops. We're kidding. It does say, the screenshot does say in the bottom corner, this image is not final. on your best fucking behavior, Illinois. Don't say anything stupid, no pressure. This is a place that Ron Zuck took to great heights. And like tomorrow like Bert tweets a typo or something.

Oh, damn, you're out. It's it. You're gone. I assume that they already have at this point, given the time between now and the release date, their full marketing staff on board. They're fully staffed up in all their teams, but, man, I would add at this point, if I ran the zoo, like two or three people whose entire job it was just to put out versions of these lists that were tweaked and adjusted to make the loudest, largest components of people mad with the little not final asterisk in the corner, and then you just put out the real game. but in the meantime, in the meantime, everybody's frothing. Just say Colorado's the best university, and not final, but.

That's a weird trick. You can put whatever you want. You could be like, worst Coca-Cola. Just put those that list. Oh, boy. Normalist squirrels. How fucking dare you. Whoa, no, no, no, no, no.

Squirrels, these dangerous squirrels. As Roger Sherman has discovered, every university has the world's most unique squirrels. The problem I have with that is that I had an encounter with one at Tennessee, chills me to this day. I am one of those people. Was it orange? But that's only because I saw it up close. What did it do? I was standing

outside of a Sophrania Strong Hall, which no longer exists. The squirrels are abnormally large, which makes sense. They live on a college campus. They eat out of dumpsters. Of course, they're huge. And I'm, like, looking at my notebook or something. I don't think I have a phone

at the time. Anyway, I'm looking something in my hands and out of the corner of my eye a branch just goes and I turn and there's a squirrel just at eye level like a hands length away from my face and it doesn't do anything it just looks and I don't know I saw the abyss and the abyss looked back and maybe it wanted to ally with you yeah I'm not sure did you did you get an option to add it to your party It might still be in there. Oh, you could have had a familiar. Squirrel familiar would be pretty sweet.

I'm not sure I'm not. It's familiar. Yeah, again, you can just make whatever this. The power dynamic there was completely unclear. You could just do this. This could be, you know, your coach unlocks another buff or whatever, and it's like, you know, shoulder squirrel. Give Georgia Tech a C and mana and watch those.

Oh, my God. Wow. Mother of God. Give Georgia Tech more charisma than Georgia. That's not hard. Do it. So we've covered college football. Okay.

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every fucking week. Holly, where's Spencer? Oh, boy. Spencer is as far away from us as you can get right now, just about. In that he is 12 time zones away, which is very fun. He and Brian Phillips have made it to Mongolia. They have left the capital and are headed further. inland, uh, in pursuit of the manly arts. I have received photographs of both of them in a

yurt. Um, they look very cozy. Did they go to a Costco? Did they go to a Costco? I'm not kidding. I'm, I feel like Spencer put a photo up of a Mongolian Costco. Um, I cannot confirm if they went to a Mongolian Costco, but I did want to, um, I did want to mention something that they, that they did encounter that I think we should bring here to the states. This will be part of the diary that we post. It'll be up on Channel 6 by the time this show comes up. But in one of the big central plazas, I think in front of the Capitol building in Ulambatar, which is where their journey began, there are tricked out power wheels, like normal looking power wheels, you know, sized for children, but with motors that apparently quite outpace those that we have here.

I'm assuming it's like a golf cart motor, basically. The age of the children that they let into these cars, they said they saw what appeared to be an 18-month-old girl in full command of a vehicle. And A, of course, yes, let's have these. Let's have souped up power wheels in America. But just a big old plaza where you can just sit around. edge with your coffee and your kid can drive uh and your kid can drive a small overpowered vehicle so this is the new golden horde it's all power pretty much pretty much it seemed like a great

alternative to a splash pad um if if if perhaps one is in you know the coldest capital on the planet so that's an innovation is it that cold though uh it is a the number that gets tossed around a lot This is the trivia thing, if you ever want, if you were ever in a situation to say what is like the coldest average major city in the world. In the winter, the number that gets tossed around is negative 45. That's not enough. It is, it is 60 there right now in full summer. Anyway, the stories that we're getting from Mongolia, Spencer and Brian make their way to the Festival of the Three Manly Arts, these are all going to be for our subscribers, because our subscribers, because our subscribers are, paid for the trip so that seems fair to me so if you want to play along with us you

have to buy a subscription sorry about it it's worth that you should do it you get to see this photo yeah they also um hmm that two two big 12 towns have been compared three big 12 towns really have been have been compared to spots of mongolia if you want to find out what they are and whether or not that was slanderous uh sign on Orlando I assume Orlando in Cincinnati and Orlando a third time Epcot should have a Mongolia It's not too late Disney's always changing

You're fucking Norway, you can have anything Damn Shots fired in Norway for some of us Norwegian food, yeah, give me that Hey ma'am, we're not going to need the Hall of Presidents much longer It's just going to make everybody sad Sadder than it already does I wrote about Hooters for my new substack

Finally some fucking literature Yep yep In this case I wrote about Coastal Carolina's football stadium Brook Stadium Which is not named after the founder of Hooters It's named after his two children Did either of them go to Coastal Carolina

No No they did not Did anybody name his, his children? One of them was named Kobe, I believe, C-O-B-Y. Sure. But also, like, was born well before you could have named somebody Kobe Bryant. Like, Kobe was an adult when this, and Kobe was, like, three years away from taking over Hooters. He also, and this is all in the post, but whatever, you can listen to it here, he went on an early episode of undercover boss and had to watch a Hooters'

manager just be fucking terrible to a bunch of hooters waitresses highlighted by he made them have a contest where they had to eat baked beans off a plate without using their hands to see who could who would get cut early for the day there were no customers around this wasn't some weird like this is sexy for the customers to watch this was just like his own fucked up way of man is deep perversion probably make their like a whole undercover boss season just about who you're almost almost assuredly you shouldn't have a beans kink his other his other child who i think was three or four when they named the stadium was named bonnie is named bonnie bell and she has like sure she is some stuff named after her at clemson she has like the batting facility

at coastal carolina named after her yeah but you can learn more about that uh at assigned and right now i am for the next one potentially i am busy learning about the english peerage system because I have a very normal life. This is an eclectic newsletter you have, right? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So that's what I got going on. Serber and I are also doing, we're not all like this, but we're on break right now. So we'll

do more of those at some point. I don't know. Don't bother me. I'm tired. You're tired of being bossed around by the internet on your newsletter. That's right. Constantly tell me what to do. Then I got to fend off my child trying to go into gas stations without any shoes on. You go on the fucking Reddit and it's like, oh, did Ryan quit again?

he was the worst part of the show when he quit and such small portions and then live shows we are so close to the Portland live show have we settled on a theme for the Portland live show that's I don't know that's for the Portland live show that's for the day of. Be serious. That's for later. We'll figure that out. That's a problem for future me. Tickets are still available for our August show in Raleigh and our October show in Birmingham.

You can go to pre-owned airboats.com to find more information on all those. Tickets are not available for the Portland show because we sold them all. You have to be quick. You got to be quick on the trigger around here. This is a note for anyone who is anyone like from the future. who is listening to anyone who is listening to this episode in like January yeah yeah last January you should

you should you fucked up you should have jumped into a different point in the timeline maybe everyone had the same idea and did the time traveling thing that's why they're saying oh damn well now I feel bad um yeah

uh server and I are working on the audio book and it'll be out what do you do our voices how many voices is you doing uh are you doing individual caleb voices no that's not possible they would they're completely indistinguishable just a a flat loud monotone as caleb voice that's it okay the voices are really they're really good i i every single time when there was a question of should i commit should i should i i'm i'm i'm pretend i'm holding a skull should i act every single time I made the choice to

yes, fuck it. I was in middle school plays. I'm going to act. I didn't know you were in middle school plays. This is brand new information. I'm not a church. Okay, all right, all right. Okay. I know Catholics didn't do extracurriculars. No, it was called the Crusades and everyone hated it. Okay, so you're done. So you spent

all your action points on that shit. Everyone got real bad about that extracurricular. We're not doing any of that shit ever again. Fine, I get it. Let's just sit home and be on. Irish. Once you drown in the Mediterranean like 15 times, I'm done with drama class. We're not starting any bands.

Listen, we're going to do Stations at the Cross, and that's it. Nothing fun. Is that all the podcast? Is this a server? You got anything? Yeah, come to the show at the Rialto to see Hand in the Dirt, too. That's right. And if you're in coming from somewhere else, the killer ants are playing the night before.

in Winston-Salem. Are we going to try to fuck with Hartzell going into the live show? We're going to try to throw him off his game, or would you rather we didn't do that? I'm trying to convince him to do a musical number at the beginning of the show with Felder and I, which I know would just really wreck his confidence

for the night a couple of war. Booster months after there. But he hasn't bit yet. Harmonica Sacks? Do you think he can do that? What if you gave him a key tar? Yeah, he's the least musical person I know. That's why I'm suggesting a keytar. What's the keytar you blow into?

What is that one? Yeah. That's the melodica. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Give him one of those, what is it, otatone? What's that?

One of those little Japanese saxophone things with a face on it. Wow. Is that what Jack Black plays? In the... Otomotone. Hang on. I swear, if you've never seen these, you will either... There's a girl on TikTok who played the entire finale of Les Mis on a series of these.

I think we have a full cast theme that's to want... That is done with movies. I can't think of it. Yeah, these are cool. Somebody did they send in a new metal theme. New metal full cast theme. I think somebody also sent a throat singing full cast. How appropriate.

I haven't listened to it. Maybe it will lead this one. Who's to say? What if we just get him a recorder? He can play hot cross buns, right? Everybody can play hot crust buns. Yeah. We, uh, he, he, like, bet Roddy Jones that Nebraska was going to win nine games a few years ago.

Um, obviously lost that bet. Um, and he, he was forced to sing Justin Bieber. on like the uh on his podcast um how to go which beeper oh i've heard this he did not commit he did not commit which i can't tell you the hand in the dirt episode uh um sorry i'm sorry yeah i can't i don't know the tune because he didn't carry it sure he has altered your perception of the universe but someone sings a song and you're like i still haven't heard that song. I've heard what you did.

I've heard some new song you invented. I haven't heard the song. All right, though. How can we maximally undercut Hartzell before this? Oh, what if we, what if we, can we convince him? Hartzell, don't listen to you're not listening. What am I talking about? He's not listening to the show.

Do you think we convinced him that we had somebody ready to sing the star smangled banner, but they bailed and you need him to get out there and do it right now? Yeah. Stephen, everybody else has huge diarrhea. You got to do it for America. We're counting on you. We've got the microphone.

They were just your height, and we can't adjust the microphone. Like something that sounds believable that he would fall for if you put it to him with enough gravitas. Yeah. Like, Steven, we're audio professionals.

It's got to be somebody with cool shoes. You can't adjust mic height once it's been turned on. Yeah. Yeah. No, he doesn't do it. He has no clue. It'll be easy to convince him of that. You have to give him one of those things

or like the day you have, the first day you have a new grip and you like tell them to go find you like a left-handed screwdriver. Yeah. It's got to be one of those things. Okay. Wait.

What if we lock him out of the auditorium at the start of the show and make him sing to enter? Yes. Like put a laugh on him? You know the sick fucking part? I like Stephen. Yeah, he's a lovely man. He's one of my best friends.

That's why you can do these things. That's important. That's all. It's not because he's my friend. I do it because he deserves it. That's very objective. Okay, sure. Good.

Michael Cerber, Lawbringer. Lawbringer. The tribunal has spoken. our friendship means nothing in this council now sing oh man what if we oh oh what if we get a super super super rare baseball card uh-huh basketball card whatever i don't know what he's into um we tell him he can have it if he like sings a certain song and if he gets it wrong we just burn it right in front of me. Wow. Is this getting better or worse?

It's a lot. This is, this, now it's like low, don't, don't burn it. It's like a low level saw movie. Don't burn it. Wow. Crumple it up. What if I can't? That's a low level. I'll just pull it down one corner. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That, oh. You see the vision. Can we find them, it needs to be a Vic card. It needs to be like a desirable Michael Vick card. That's the, I feel bad about that

I don't Not bad enough to stop from doing it Yeah yeah there you go exactly Oh I forgot one more thing I learned in Florida We have some really outstanding names For fireworks packs At this point

Like we're really We're really putting a lot of The Black Panther The Black Panther White Lightning my favorite well first of all I had two favorites one of them

and I will I'll just text I'll text these to you all and maybe I'll put them on the internet maybe I won't oh Holly I've now seen oh man these power wheels look

fucking great right oh fuck yeah these are these are quite good the one that I thought was funniest was the one I am sending you now it's called Sponge Boy

It is the laziest possible rip-off of SpongeBob SquarePants only because they have replaced one of his eyes with a googly eye and they have decided that's fine. And we called him Sponge Boy. But the one that I thought was best representative of this moment in history, uh,

I have saying, it's called USA Conqueror. And it, and it has what appears to be, I think this is Beast from X-Men. It's pretty fucking close. Eating a missile and destroying a tank. And I just think that's beautiful.

That's up there with my favorite, that's up there with my favorite packs from T&T fireworks, which is that they have one package called the Big Bang and a second separate package called the Big Bang, California. I assume there's something meant by that. It's got avocado in it. I've never quite figured out. what the insult is supposed to be it's the same thing just more expensive yeah uh there's one i've

only found it online because it costs 1500 dollars the grounds for divorce assortment wow well named really well named man i got to tell you i was pulling out of i was pulling out of the the or pulling out of the interstate at my usual exit in tennessee last week and i saw they were putting that red and white tent up and brother it was hard to keep driving oh yeah i mean it was hard to keep driving and not turn around it's you i'm not saying you made the wrong choice but next time i think you'll make a different choice how about i mean i'll have i will have plenty of chances to make a different choice because i this is tennessee there are fireworks emporiums at every exit sure uh at this time of your golden willow is my actual favorite uh if you want to

to get one of the good ones that's just like metallic sparkles if you if you find a t and t fireworks which is my oh oh oh there was one other one that uh that was new this year that we saw at the gas station and did not um and did not partake of yet uh something called the scream queen which advertised itself with i'm quoting here extra loud screaming effects which again seems timely i there was another one i I saw that I believe the I'm pretty sure the title of the package was too loud

don't care like that was that was that was the brand name of the fireworks bundle and I think it had I think it had the Grim Reaper audit pointing at you oh wow yeah you're gonna be killed Ryan the the SpongeBob ripoff one

by a company known as Miracle Fireworks their logo is itself a ripoff of the 9-11 era teal Detroit Pistons logo Like, same, same circle, same double fire piping, same metallicness. You're right. Oh, man. You know what?

We still make things in this country. We still, we still remake classics. We've always been great. We've always, always been great. There's also, there's also one I found called Ghost Killer. Damn. Which is really, like, questions. Yeah.

Yeah. Just to make sure. First of all, you've revealed one important truth with the first word. Second of all, you've opened up a whole new concept with the second. Like, damn. Ghost die, they become, I guess we'll find out. Unlike humans. Guess we'll find out this worth of July.

What are you doing out here? You have a license for those? I don't need a license to kill ghosts. Ghost die, they become president. Governor gave me these. bags. I got to fill them with these ghosts now. There's also a like one of those ones you could, I'm sorry that I'm just remembering these off the cuff. There's one of those ones that you just put on the ground and it just sort of like shoots spark.

It doesn't shoot anything into the air. But it's called House on Fire. And I feel like that is tempting fate in a way that is highly unnecessary. That's way too on the next. Mom, it says to open it indoors. It's right there. That is way too. Like, yeah, it's like hand mutilation.

Right, right. Missing finger. I don't need that. Don't buy that. I'm amazed I still have all my fingers after many a childhood spent suturing open a beanie baby and filling it with black powder. That's why the squirrel was mad. That's a great point.

It was warning you. We never killed an actual squirrel. No, yeah. It was like it was perceiving it as you were. um like working your way up i think the biggest thing we ever blew up was the prop milky white cow from a production of into the woods that's good but that was just made a paper mache so it wasn't even a very impressive explosion but it's still fun yeah i think yeah i think that's fine i don't think you have anything to worry about so that was more of today's top college football

You guys I have nothing About the creeping approach of death Everything Yeah sure Only in Florida But now I'm not there It's not creeping there

No it's a It's a little bit of hurry You remember what I said Way Way back before I guess like last year Where Before Tennessee got fun

at sports for this little window and I used to describe being a Tennessee fan like having a third degree burn as then I could see my charred flesh but nothing hurt when I poked it is that kind of like our national mood right now I don't want to get political yeah we would never do that on the show

no no no oh that's the Reddit thing I was forgetting I would get chased off the show if that happened if you revealed if you revealed your true political opinions. I think, like, I think we should just say on this show, like, anytime one of us isn't on the show, it's because something terrible, like, something awful happened

in the many meetings that we have about the show. Yeah, we had a huge blow up during one of our creative discussions. Yep, during finance. When we were, when we were writing up our show plan, the script. Do you think anybody would believe the amount of stuff that

Cerber actually has to cut out of the show that I say? How much? It's not, a line per week. It's not that bad, is it? No, but it's more frequent than anybody else. But that's, you're, I think you're much more of a bleeper than a cutter. Yeah, yeah. I, I did, well, and every once in a while, I've confessed this before, but every once in a while, I will have server bleep something that is not controversial. Yeah, right. Yeah, like when we talk shit about and then bleep it. Yeah, for fun. Like, everybody knows where. Oh my God, did y'all hear my, got a

new job. Who's that?