Shutdown Fullcast - Please help my turkey, he huge

Episode Date: November 30, 2020

--what is the Pac-12 even doing, at all --Jason goes on a voyage to cook his gigantic turkey --Maryland is a state made entirely of panhandles --the Egg Bowl and how Elijah Moore still got flagged --Mike Leach lectures on the Kung Fu Empire --The underwater booing of Jets fans in bronze diving helmets --Another edition of "Is this a real musical?" (with South Carolina connections!) --We accidentally say insightful and accurate things about Michigan football  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Ramp.m.p.com slash easy. Currents issued by Sutton Bank and Celtic Bank members of DIC terms and condition supply. The fact 12 is just even more it's like getting a very small dose only makes you realize how completely fucking bat shit and useless. Yeah, like at a juice bar. It is such it is just the shittiest juice bar in the world. Here in basically December, Arizona State is 0 in 1. They're probably not going to play another game. That'd be smart. Why did you even try? this i was watching jake bentley play quarterback for fucking utah and i'm like what do you know how dumb it is that even like even if arizona state plays the rest of the season

which is two games they umas will have played more football games than arizona state did it's fucking insane the time for us to return to the bill connolly kansas wisdom of yore and say well they will have gotten exercise in fresh air except arizona state won't have. I mean, they practiced, right? That's exercise in fresh air. Also, our whole problem is fresh air. Yeah.

Yeah. That's the whole, like, I'm just watching it. And you're just like, I don't, what? Why? Why? What is this? Somebody in the Discord was talking about, like, boy, that Washington can come back against Utah. It's like, look at the words you're saying.

Stop it. You don't have to live like. No, you don't have to, don't be happy about that. Also, I will say this, though, Washington's quarterback, their starter, that dude does not give a fuck. No. Oh, my God. Throwing just the most, like, you don't want to be super reckless and shit against Utah, right? And holy fuck, that kid does not give a shit.

He was throwing, like, he was throwing balls from. three feet away from his receivers as hard as he fucking could. It was kind of beautiful. He looked like Peyton Manning throwing at the kids on S&L, right? Like Dylan Morris was throwing at 800 miles an hour, eight inches from his receiver's heads. Like, hey, fucko! I'm going to be able to be.

Welcome to the shutdown fullcast. You are listening to the internet's only college football podcast. I'm Spencer Hall, joining me after what I have to assume was a raging success of Thanksgiving, is one Jason Kirk Jason did you have the little bird

or did you have the big bird brother we had a big fucking bird that rascal was 21 pounds at 21 pounds

is that even a rascal uh yeah that's more that's a bastard it's like a toddler yeah that's a big old

bastard that's that yeah that's a big old what'd you what'd you do that big old I taught him who's boss

yeah I put We had to track down an oven in our neighborhood that had the capacity to handle that sum bitch. A 21 pound bird. That's a sum bitch, I think. Did you, how did that go? Did you wander from door to door going like, please, my big bird, help? Please, my bird.

He's huge. He's huge. Let me put him enough in. Yeah, so me and my bird, I was walking him around on a leash. And I was like, you got anything, they'll fit this fella? Please, these gains, they're very sick. You see, you're just walking around with the Virginia Tech mascot with the barbell in his hand. Yeah, the walking hokey bird.

Yeah. This is how I got to go. It's my destiny. I got to face it head on. Yeah. We had a fairly good one. Jason had a good one. Ryan.

Ryan, hello. Hi. Hi. How was your Thanksgiving? Had pork tenderloin. Bought it from a restaurant. because let me tell you what I'm not about to do I have it our our Thanksgiving was very small it was myself my wife and our four-year-old and at no point during this

basically at every at every step of the operation the question was will the four-year-old eat this if not will we like it and if the answer to both of those is no it's off the table it's and like is it possible that my kid would have liked roast turkey sure But I don't know. And I'm certainly not going to, you know, wager five hours on it. So we have pork tenderloin because I know she'll eat some of that. And you know what? She did.

Now, which restaurant was it from? I assume Culvers. I wish it was from Culver's. No, it was from a local place here called Hawthorne. It was a pistachio herb-crested pork tenderloin. It was very good. That's, you know, with a kid, you're actually thinking, you're going, well, five hours. I actually seriously wager whether five minutes of effort is worth something to feed a kid

given the success rate on what they will or won't eat. Right, right. Right. So five hours? Oh, yeah. This was by far the more intelligent decision. At one point during dinner, my four-year-old looked at my wife and said, hey, I think we should trade bowls.

Her bowl, my wife's bowl, had some mac and cheese in it. My child's bowl had mac and cheese in it. She would not be convinced that this was the same fucking mac and cheese. She was bartering over the exact same thing. Do you know how weird it is to witness a negotiation where what's being exchanged is exactly the same? But one party refuses to acknowledge that. Anyway, Thanksgiving was fine.

Holly? What? I wanted to shout out your dressing. Thank you. Because you made a dressing so absolutely silky that frankly, it gave me gout. Like, my toe hurt after eating it. I am pretty excited to carve you up and serve you.

This is all the plan to make me into the dressing for next year, and I really admire it. Yeah, your skin's getting very taut. It's not weird. Why are you feeding me nothing but pistachios, cream, and apples? Like a prized pig. I'm not just, what do you mean like a prized pig? Tuffles for Spencer, because Spencer's a good boy. Truffles for Spencer and hazelnuts too.

Do you know how that would work so well on me? I'd be like, stop! like hazel nuts. This was Leah Chase's rice dressing with the addition of it turns out that you should check

the package before you scurry out of your meat purveyor because the fine folks at Publix gave me instead of half chicken lizards and half chicken gizzards two entire flats of chicken lizards

chicken lizards God chicken liver so we had Arizona style I think a chicken lizard, that's literally a dinosaur. Yeah, yeah, all right. We had dinosaur gravy. Mango, dino, DNA.

Dressing. Thank you to friend of the program, the gurgling cot, for suggesting dirty rest dressing. We ended up doing something a little innovative in the methodology in our quarantine bubble Thanksgiving, which contains Spencer's infamously Ricky Bobby inspired children. it was noon and we were still cooking and the kids were being dicks and we said okay everybody on the picnic table turkey sandwich time and we had turkey and sweet potatoes and cranberries for lunch because that's what was ready and then the children were nestled all snug in their beds by the time late at night when the dressing and the gravy and all the other stuff was ready and we had that for dinner And I'm going to do it down. That's downabia shit. I love it. I'm going to do this forever because we were, you know, in a normal year, I would make a bunch of stuff ahead of time and sock it in the fridge. And then on the day, it's just like, you know, reheat this casserole, reheat that casserole. Uh, and today it was like, okay, whatever's done we're eating and the rest of it's dinner. And this also kind of smoothed over the quarantine bubble thing of, well, my family eats at noon. Well, my family eats at six. You know, I eat it two and you're both war criminals. And, So it was an accident of process that I intend to make intentional for the next year. Yeah, no, I liked it.

Those people at Downton Abbey, they had a lot of really good ideas, like feeding the children separately. And primogeniture. Generational wealth. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Also, leaving an albatross of a house to your children until they have to decide whether to betray your memory and sell it to the state or to leave or to stay and be miserable.

Dying in an open-top car crash. Now you can just leave that, list that shit on Airbnb. Three, problem solved. I did make my own roles this year, and that was worth it. That was definitely worth the effort. Yeah. Way better than Frozen. We have, God, there's a lot.

There's a lot to talk about. Is there? Oh, there's quite a bit. Buddy, I could just read the list of ham carols that readers of this fine podcast have sent us over the past four or five days. And that could be the show by itself. want to just do that i mean i have a i have a wikipedia page opened in uh the title of which is stuffed ham uh the table of contents item number one salmonella vector oh shit yes so that's that's yeah no i mean that's fine i was please pronounce it stuffed um stuffed it is believed to have originated in

culinary hotbed Southern Maryland That just sounds like food poisoning Like the word southern Maryland Sound like something left out Too long at room temp on a buffet table Yep It's also a good

It's also a good euphemism for diarrhea Ooh I got a little Southern Maryland going on Now I wonder if this is the dangle attached to Virginia Or the dangle attached to Delaware That's a good question Yeah is it the uvula or the um the other thing i don't know uh let's see st mary's county where are you greater delaware this appears to be the part uh near near virginia so so you can't really go in a good direction

like when this is the opposite of you really can't go wrong whatever direction you can go from maryland oaken fucking trear you can't really make a good call i like how much the ocean is trying to like break part of Maryland off and just be like be free let your brother go come with us maryland let go of his hair right now harold it's like four panhandles and that's the whole state correct there's no pan think about it that explains a lot about Maryland because do you think about the panhandle of the states what do have panhandles and they're they're pretty they're pretty rough extra cuts of the state that they're attached to so what if you made the whole state out of pan handles. Bam. Maryland.

Maryland looks like if you poured hydroclerc acid on Oklahoma. Are you saying it's the phantom of the grand old opery? It's just the Lakeland of the sea. It's the lakeland of the Atlantic. This is my damaged brother, Maryland.

He wears a natty bow 12-pack carton cut into a mask across his face. This is the part of the buffalo that Native Americans could not eat. We're doing. anything that little part trying to escape to the sea the rest of Maryland going where are you going go Terps go to score scored 11 points against Indiana that's again I think anytime I will stick by this rule anytime you throw up a prime number and a loss you got your ass whipped you just got confused you're like oh 11 take 11 take take seven take 13

whatever. Speaking of Maryland, can I offer a very exciting Big Ten standings update? Oh, please. So, for the past few weeks, we've been tracking the fact that based on the number of cancellations and potential cancellations, more teams remain alive for the Big Ten championship than you would think. The fun one, obviously, was Indiana, just canceled the game against Ohio State and clinched the division.

Northwestern could have done that, but, elected to beat Wisconsin anyway and then Wisconsin canceled became ineligible. Northwestern didn't need to go through all that trouble. So we're on course for Northwestern Ohio State, which alone is funny because Northwestern sucks. But things can get far weirder

from here. Someone on Reddit CFB user FlameWire has figured out that it is possible for us to get a Maryland, Illinois Big Ten Championship. Fucking how. If Ohio State isn't eligible, Indiana loses out and

absolute mayhem strikes the big ten west which that happens every few weeks uh yeah maryland illinois for uh for a new year six bowl yeah no i want this so yeah let's do it this is the kind of thing by the way i read i read something that roger pointed out from the nfl today which is that the las vegas raiders were coming in playing a three and seven team the the Falcons and they lost by 37 and they were in the playoff race and then with the single loss based on this and losing that badly they went all the way to ninth place I wish we could do that in college football standings where you have a loss so disastrous they're like well you were in the top four and now you're 38th after a week the three and eight cowboys are a game out of the

playoffs this is why we need a playoff because wouldn't you be so thrilled to say something like man that four and seven pit team is just one game away from getting a playoff slot oh i'm exhilarated thinking about it there would have been a year where we you know we could have had a what like a seven and six georgia tech team in the playoff that one year if we'd had you know that that year when UNC, Miami, et cetera, was ineligible. Yeah, we really, we really need NFL-style playoffs, which feels like a thing you say, oh, that'll bring some sensible reason to this sport.

No, actually, it'll make it even dumber. That's why we need it. Thank God. I think we should do it based on point differential. That's really, I want somebody, I want somebody to be like, well, they were out of the playoff at 6 and 6, but they scored 70 points in their final week of the season. so hey it was a conference game it counted so old miss old miss cheered the playoff i mean you could

yeah you could old miss is never in the playoff that part's wrong yeah it's not called old make wow i think uh buffalo bulls would be sitting pretty in the playoff race yeah yeah yeah they're plus 25 per game so far if they're in tomb lane we're back to live embalmy again when they in tomb lane kiffin in the square that's what his pharaoh name's gonna be oh make They're going, he's got kind of like an Easter, he's like a, not voluptuous, but he's like a hippie Easter Island statue. I mean hippie as in he's got broadset hips, not as in he's some kind of crunchy granola person. I thought that you just meant plush. It's just plush, like a plush cat.

Look, we're all, we're all packing it on for winter. That's fine. Lane, by the way, that's a fine, it's a fine weekend for Lane. Lane won his first Egg Bowl And then, unlike More than any team I've seen Win a rivalry trophy to this point Old Miss just talked their shit

I have never seen as much Online shit talking as I have Over an Old Miss team Getting to 500 Again, the stakes in the egg bowl Are always hilarious to me Because it's always like Hey boys, if we lose this game

We can't be 500 for the season No! No! So different. Think of it this way. It makes more sense if you're like, all right, if you win this blackjack hand, you'll be even. Your last five hours at the casino, you'll be exactly even. And if you lose it, you'll be down $1,000. Like, then it makes sense.

But it's never a guy across the table who is also at the crux between 6 and 6 and, you know, like, they're never right there at 500 with you. Like Mississippi State is across the table being like, I'm already down 5,000. I'm taking you with me. Everyone at this table's losing. Dealer's sitting on 15. He's like, yeah, hit, hit. I made bad decisions on real estate. What happens today doesn't matter to me.

You can't fix my problems, old miss. So I'm going to give you some of mine. That's what the Egg Bowl every year always has some sort of setup where you go, somebody with something to lose of moderate value. and someone with nothing of value seeking to take that person down with them. That's why this game is magnificent. And also magnificent that it was 31-24, Old Miss,

and both teams had, like, combined they had over 1,000 yards. Meaning they just went for fourth down a lot and didn't get it. Just trying to kill. That's it. Just trying to kill swinging and missing. That's what they were for most of the game. It's such a beautiful thing. Hey, Elijah Moore did not do the peeing gesture

as far as I know, either after the game or in the locker room. You would have known. Like, there would not have been a mystery to it. I'm sorry, there's no need to gild this particular, Lily. Maybe Elijah Moore, late at night, 4.30 a.m. in a quiet square. Maybe that's the only way you peeze. Maybe he just got done on all fours and was like, I'm alone, man. It's time.

Flagg. No, this is. This is like, God damn it. Mark Curles is like, got you. oh god the phantom ref just trailing him going like i'll get him when he when he finally slips up i'll be there this would be say three of fourteen on third down three see like you look at the box score and you go should have been more lopsided and there should have been more points what happened funny thing about improper fractions

The thing is, playing with 49 people makes you real motivated, which I think Mississippi State was playing something like 49 people on the roster. That's total. So really, like, kind of a good outcome for Mississippi State, given you were playing with, you know, no one, and had absolutely no depth in this game and decided to play anyway. But, and only lost by one score with a freshman quarterback, thrown to like young receivers. So there's a lot of things looking up for this Mississippi State team that naturally assumes next year they're doomed because that's typically how Mississippi State football in a conventional era goes.

Wow, we're feeling pretty good about things. Don't. Wait, you're saying Mississippi State should feel good. Oh, yeah. Like, no, they've got some like, they appear to be rounding into form, which to me says any Mississippi State team in the non-Dan-Mullen non-Jackie Cheryl era

when they say they're about to round into form it's usually when they're they're like oh look the horizon we finally reached it it's a waterfall you're going over the edge this is the form apparently you share my confusion no that they look like they're rounding into form

and they'll have a little bit more momentum going forward like the screenshot of Google Trends the day after Thanksgiving when all I want for Christmas has that tiny tiny tiny spike Have you seen that? Just a little, you know, day one of Advent has begun.

That's where we are with Mississippi State. Right. Day one. Or this. Ah, the light at the end of the tunnel. You know? And then by sound, ah, the train heading our way. The theory of light at the end of the, like the suggestion.

Maybe there's like a refraction of light. Yeah. Without yet the hint that it is the headlight of an oncoming train. A lane train, if you will. Oh, God. Damn it. Yeah, we're back there. Much like Mississippi State, I walked right into that one.

I also, we had something else happen, which is that Ohio State might not make the playoff. Okay, okay. Okay, but look, no, before we say another word about this, are we going to talk about it? Mm-hmm. Or are we going to talk about what we all want to have happen here? Well, let's make sure that we're all on that same page. No, we know. we know what we're talking about right because we all let Ryan were you going back to set the scene

because I was about to go back and set the scene go for it go for it so at the end of this at the end of this game I go to text Brian Floyd a certain sentiment and I see the three little dots from Brian Floyd and before I can finish typing this sentiment the exact thought that I was typing comes back to me from Floyd and I turn then to discord only to find that Alex Kershner has already typed this exact same thought as well and what was that thought gentlemen because I'm sure that you were also having it do I have to say it I'll say which which game are we talking about which okay so Ohio State to get even further back Ohio State didn't play this week because their game with Illinois was canceled for COVID reasons

Ohio State has already had one game canceled earlier this year against Maryland, also for COVID reasons. What happens if one more game gets canceled? There will be ineligible for the Big Ten title. Why is that? Well, they won't have enough games played, right? That's the rule I was asking you to explain, yes. Yes. You're going to have to, I'm going to be the, I'm going to be the listener.

I'm going to be the, no, I'm going to be the listener not getting this. When's going to be my time? No, come on. You're going to have to explain. explain this to me i was asking you to explain okay ryan do you jason would you like to explain this yeah you got to play enough games and they're they're about out of they got to play all the rest of their games and i assume michigan state and michigan being the final two is where the comedy comes in because michigan state all the really four is ruining things and michigan boy you don't want to

play ohio state ever especially not this year but now there could be an upside to not playing ohio state Some would say nothing but upside. Mm-hmm. So anyway, to be clear, and to quote Alex Kershner, this is only good if it's fake. We don't want this to actually happen. Spencer, I know you have an alternate scenario, and I'll let you jump in with that in a second. But the thought that at least three of us had at the exact same time on Saturday night was, please, God, please, Midwestern, Lutheran, atheist God, whatever you are presiding.

over Michigan, please fake a COVID outbreak and keep Ohio straight out of the playoff for giggles. Please? We don't ask for much. Spencer, you have a different scenario leading off for this. Would you like to talk about that? Well, yeah, that in a desperate attempt to get his job. And also because he does not believe he can be killed by bullet, lightning, virus, dog attack, earthquake, or any other act of God or man and believes he is immortal because he drinks a glass of milk a day and played for the Colts once. Jim Harbaugh goes out and gets it. Jesus, has he cut back? We have what we feel is a legitimate concern that Jim Harbaugh might go out and try and get COVID for real zies. Yeah. Look what I did for the program. It can't kill me. I can't be

killed. Like just running around an ICU like lick my face. Do it. Wait. Wait. Wait, and which NFL team is having a massive COVID outbreak right now? I don't know, Ryan. I'm Spencer. The Baltimore Ravens, and who's the head coach of the Ravens? Couldn't tell you. That'll be John Harbaugh. Oh, you're back.

Oh, now he knows. Now he fucking knows. Noted Ravens correspondent Spencer Hall. Yep. That's right. It's all in the family. I'll be like, I'm going to go kiss my brother on the mouth for Michigan football. Just to spite Ohio State.

Please let me keep this job. Just like Tom Brady would. Just the Michigan man. How'd he do today? He lost. Interesting. He lost. Interesting.

Through a terrible interception. Two of them. Interesting. Yeah. He lost to our beautiful boy, Pat Mahomes, Texas Dex Finest. At the time when I walked through the room where this game was on, Tom Brady had how many yards of offense? I think he had at that point 19. And Pat had how many?

240. So that's more. It's way more. Is what I'm here. many, many more. Cool. So,

yeah, I think, so say this happens, obviously this would be great. This would be wonderful. I still think Ohio State probably makes the playoff. God.

In fact, watch what, but the time until those stand. Watch this, watch this. Watch what this does to their strength of schedule. All right.

If they go through it and they play Michigan State, ooh, that's bad for your numbers. Michigan. Yuck! Why don't you play any 500 teams? And then you play northwestern right who cares however you clear that michigan shit off there and you replace northwestern

with wisconsin big team championship weekend because we are doing the number two number three number four number five number six number seven games oh has state strength of schedule is gone up so whoa so you're actually stuck with them so you're actually arguing one of the worst things that michigan could actually give ohio state is it strength of schedule michigan Michigan, here's what's on you. Here's what you got to do for America. You got to keep doing what you're doing. You've got to look like ass, all right?

You're doing a great job so far. Keep it up. You got to play them. Just look like shit, all right? No problem. Here's my question, though. Would they play Wisconsin or would they play Iowa? Oh, well, same.

You know, it's like a top 20-ish team, you know, the type of very boring team the committee likes. So either way. But there's a history with Iowa. that's less favorable. There is, isn't there? As long as they're not playing Purdue, they're fine. Iowa just takes all of the gear,

all the juice for one weekend of 60-point offensive explosion football against them. I don't know what it is, man. We kicked 20 field goals. Fuck you. I think actually Iowa is a safe team for Ohio State to play

because they take turns, those Big Ten West teams, right? It was Illinois one time. It was Purdue. one time and Iowa one time you know so like you know it'll be Minnesota's turned some decade so like right now I think Iowa won't come up again so they're they're safe to play wow hear that hear that the Hawkeye fans Bolton board material right there Kirk fans and spicy Kirk ferns will throw it back that's right that man's a quote machine

these days Kirk Farrants is just you know it actually like for robber baron Kirk Farrants who and I look this up so it's definitely real number has made 340 million dollar's coaching the Iowa Hawkeyes sure it's he's made a lot of money that man's a fucking farm subsidy it's just only fair that he's exiting like this feels like Kirk Ferrence's last season to me I have no insight info on that it just feels like any dude putting this much like swagger on after having a completely swaggerless career at Iowa he's this is just him taking a victory lap for his you know sunset season if he wants it to be it just feels like that a victory lab at

four and two but that's that's dude that's a Kirk Farrantz would tell you what's a victory lap well like four and two yeah I mean so every Iowa season is divisible by four and two right you know that's correct you know like they um but like any true robber baron's farewell tour it involves beating the crap out of kids a lot right urch urchins like Scott Frost Catch this 26-20 defeat. Which I sealed by having, of course, an awkward fumble that Iowa recovers. That's how you seal the game.

So, yeah, kicking the kids around. That's definitely Kirk Farrant's way to go. And then, of course, scoring 60 against Ohio State. I just, it's, the whole reason this is even happening is because the Big Ten affirmatively made all these rules and said, like, well, if this, this is the threshold and if this, like, they're the ones who decided to be like, hey, if we're going to play Dungeons and Dragons, we're going to have some meth involved. Settle down now, everybody. No other conference did this.

And it's not like other conferences haven't had to deal with, like, games getting postponed or teams that couldn't play for stretches. They just were just like, I don't know, fuck it. We'll worry about it when we got to worry about it. But the Big Ten and its commitment to Robert's Rules of Order has once again just like made its own fans fucking furious by being like, well, Ohio State didn't fill in subparts A, and they didn't fill out in triplicate form 86B5 and get that notarized. So unfortunately, we will be awarding the title directly to Indiana. There is one upside to that and that it is hilarious. Please continue. So I've looked at the SEC's rules. They do not have a specific number of minimum games,

to your point, Ryan. The rule is the division champs have to be within a game of the average number of games so that's a much much higher fager threshold yeah um plus the SEC didn't do the shit where they spent two months waffling between money and valor and you know all that shit the SEC just said here's the huge and it's also the SEC if we have to cancel a whole month in mass then so what and it's also the SEC so like all the rules were just like the SEC was like we have a minimum player requirement however if you want to play anyway it's not really a requirement anymore go nuts yeah all this shit is suggestions so like SEC East champion you've played five games well do you

feel like the SEC East champion okay go on in god it's just you can tell Jurassic Park was built by big 10 grads where they're like well free will was a mistake we'll put the fences up and the dinosaurs will respect the fences because the fences are tall and and that'll keep everything fine And now I'm going to go have some malted milk beverage. John Hammond, alma mater. Hey, went to Oxford, so it's Old Miss. Yeah. He dresses like an A&M fan, though.

He does. Also, all that craziness, you know, right, like down to the helicopter and sparing no expense and having a flea circus, that's super Texan, right? Yeah, that's my first thing. I had a fleece. Circus. They go in. People say, where are the fleas? I got some money. Then I made some dinosaurs. Yeah. Yeah. Super, super, super Texan. A little bit of college football history, by the way, because you said, oh, man, we're going to kick 20 field goals. And I thought, well, could I really kick 20 field goals in a game? They could attempt it, but you'd have to

run the hurry up, because the most in a game attempted was by Mike Prundel, the legend. What a name. Western Michigan versus Marshall September 29th, 1984. Wow, that's way more recent than I thought it would be. He made seven of them, by the way. Okay. Seven.

So he went seven for nine in what I have to assume was a pretty casually paced game. Now, if your whole purpose was just to run the hurry up and kick field goals. Yes, yes. I think onside onside kick play for overtime if you have to there's a nobility to that singularity of purpose yes you know because like I was thinking well you know what's your standard time up is that let's let's give you 30 minutes right okay uh you know I think you could get like you could hurry and get like 14 15 possessions so like I think it's realistic to say you could kick 14 field goals I don't think you could kick 20 but I think you could kick like 14 or 15 man fuck you you. Oh, cool.

I mean, how furious would that be? How furious would you make your fan base by doing that? Like in your final game, if you're like, you guys want to see a show, drinking a bottle on the sidelines. The thing is,

the thing is you do need to get, listen, you need to figure out who your strongest kicker is, not your most accurate. And once you hit the 50, man, you need to start launching 70 yards. that's the other thing is you don't have to get down to the five or it's like a siege engine right

right right like you you have seen on a kickoff you have seen a kicker kick the ball through the uprights right yeah like like you just need to do that but as a field goal so basically like if you have evan mcpherson from florida who can pretty consistently hit 40 and 45 50 yarders then you don't need to waste time getting down to the 15 or the 5. Fuck that, yeah. Right? The minute you hit the 20 or the 25.

The minute you hit the 40, my dude. You can kick on first down. You don't have to go to the 40. Yes. Like your frame of reference is so, like, limited. And what I'm saying is we can basically take hold of space time and we can kick 20 field goals on a game. And I bet we can make.

FaceTime in one hand, destiny and the other. That's fucking right. I don't hate it. Anyway, I'll be taking the Vanderbilt job now, so. If we're just letting them, if we're just letting them score every time, right, too, to get the ball back, we're like, how do you plan to win with that? One answer. Volume.

Like, this all sounds absurd. But wouldn't you rather I take the Vanderbilt job with the stated goal of I want to kick 20 field goals in a single? game rather than like well we're going to come here and build no you're not you're not going to come to vanderbilt and turn things around let me have a turn let me try to get 20 field goals in one game it'll happen against mississippi state too because they'll cooperate with the clock oh my god mike leach will be like oh i love what you're doing here take the ball that's that's fantastic you know it's interesting another civilization that valued kicking

would be the kung fu empire my That's not real. It's actually, you didn't read it. No, it was the Kung Fu Empire. In Chinese, it was Gong Fu. So they called it the Kung Fu Empire. It dates back to 1963. That's a pretty young empire, coach.

I feel like we would have heard about that one. No, since a long time ago. So anyway, they like kicking. None of this was real, just like head injuries. According to fandom.com, all that is known about John Hammond's early life is that he attended university, possibly, but he developed a hatred of universities. This feels very, this is very big time. Wow, attended one developed hatred of all?

Yeah, that's Michigan State. Fuck this. I'm out on all of it. Can I tell you? State grad. Fuck college. Man, the best, the best thing that... I thought fuck college was there as I want a state. consider it and now consider it a little bit more um a hilarious contrast to me this

saturday was watching matt campbell ah the stage matt campbell kicking when they had like three minutes left against texas wisely getting the ball back scoring the winning TD and then holding texas the way that the textbook says you should because you have a good quarterback who like brock purdy who can take this offense down the field and get the score you need when you most desperately need it to secure a conference, a spot in the conference championship, right? Northwestern tried that same thing, with greatly different results. And, oh, which was the best because you go, what's Pat Fitzgerald going to do here? You're like, well, he should really go for it because his offense sucks.

Nope, nope, they punted. They, they punted. I have a defense of Pat Fitzgerald here. go ahead i think he threw this game because earlier this week pat fitzgerald's name was being loosely admittedly but connected all the same to an NFL job the new york jets i think pat fitzgerald saw that said buck no we're going to lose to michigan state what about that would disqualify him from the jet's job though yeah and at least like gets the attention off you for a little while and it puts the attention on michigan state if you can't

why would you go get pat fitzgerald go get mel tucker okay okay and if you you know if you why would you get mel tucker when you could go get the man who beat him greg shano he's right there yeah all roads lead back to ruckers is what i'm saying finally a use for all of these uh for all of these transitive wins Do you think somebody has a custom Jets jersey that says Shiano on the back? Do you think that exists in the world already? Yeah, I do. I mean, it's got to be a pretty common name in that part of the... Shiano.

Right? So there's probably a lot of guys who just have that anyway. Right, right. Also, I like that this scenario supposes that Jets fans think their coach wears jerseys, which I think that is probably a common belief on the part of Jets fans. He's ready to go. You know, it's a message to his players. You've got to be ready to go.

You know, if the fucking Broncos had coaches like we do, they wouldn't have had that whole quarterback thing. Coach Greg could just get out there and throw the pill around. The only NFL draft I ever went to was stocked with Jets fans who had been drinking sparks on the sidewalk for like 12 hours prior to get into the NFL draft. And I was like, this place is a hull. New York City's absolutely awful. What a terrible place to be when these guys like, what are you going to do for entertainment?

Oh, he's going to drink sparks in the sidewalk. Go in, boo people. Tell how much I hate them. That's why we move the draft around now, so we don't have to deal with Jeff Fills. That's all that's the only reason. They're like, why don't you put it? Why don't you put it out in Chicago? They won't go that far. They did. They did. And they booed. So they're like, move it further. Move it to Nashville. They were still there. And they were like, Uh, okay, unleash the coronavirus, so we have to do it virtually. They're going to have to have it on the bottom of the ocean. Duh, you can't go where Jets can't go.

Sea Lab Draft. Sea Lab draft. They're outside the window and I can hear them. Just a bunch of dudes in Jets, jerseys, donning those like bronze diving helmets and jumping off the tier. Ground, drown, drown, ground. Just a bunch of big conhead workers in water. Wings. Grimel

Fox. Take another tight end, you loser. End the fan. Tank for Trevor. I love that fucking dude.

He's pretty. That means, yeah, put Trevor in our tank. Yeah, put him in our tank. We're fishing. Like a lobster.

This tank right here is for you, buddy. I've seen the abyss. I can breed this water. It's fine. It's pink. You can.

Just bring the pink water. Mary Elizabeth Master Antonio, now there was a dame. I mean, yeah. Jets fan? Just sitting there and like the self-contained breathing apparatus going, yeah, just pour the monster in. Just pour the monster in the self-contained breathing apparatus. It'll be fine. It'll get my lungs.

It'll be good for me. Texas A&MLSU is the worst thing I watched all weekend. It's just awful. Why did you watch it? Yeah. Gassily. That's on you. Yeah, you don't have to live like this.

You see as an analyst on thinking out loud on the SEC network. No, this is, I want to be here at 7 p.m. It's good practice. Let him do it. But he's trying to get people to watch his show by invoking Texas A&MLSU. Like, what are you doing here, dude? I'm protecting my brand because I want you to know, I watch what I talk about. Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Yes. So I was watching this game. So I'll know, which is why I say, sacrifice for you so you don't have to watch this you don't have to watch this game because can i read kellen mon's line from this kellen mon who against florida turned into the terminator um yeah this is kellen mon against lSU's elite defense that allowed 600 yards passing to mississippi state earlier this year kellen mon was 11 for 34 for 105 yards no t d's no interception that's a QBR 15.9

but brother that's that's like that's not even like fortified wine in terms of proof oh okay 15.9 had a lot of questions about that good Lord

I don't believe this game happens it didn't that's fair it didn't all right yeah I actually feel much better now no it's the only thing you take from this

I protest. All right. We saw, in public at least, we saw bad Ed Ogeron, grabbing T.J. Findlay and hauling him over and yelling at him about how he'd absolutely cripple the team. Oh, weird. Usually they keep that shit behind PR. This game would have been 13-7 had it not been for that pick six. When Texas A&M looks bad, they just don't show.

They looked awful, ghastly. So again, don't, if you want Texas A&M, don't hope for a playoff ranking. Don't hope for that five spot because they saw a five and they were like, we don't have to try. We bail this in. I mean, they're not wrong. I mean, I think it is better if they don't make it. Like, why would they want to face Bama again?

They're on course to face like some big 12 team. That is a much, much more manager. like you know beating vandy by five that is how you make sure you don't have to face uh bama again so keep it up they're rich they're already rich they are i would also i would well jimbo's rich jimbo jimbo's so rich did you know oh my god he's rich do you know what texas an m's next couple of games are i do and i wish i didn't uh yeah because when you go well surely they're they can make up the playoff this is just phoned it this is that all they have to do is just phone it in um they play auburn and they play tennessee that's oh ma'am that's

who they have left Auburn is not I will say this Auburn is not a very good team Auburn is not a very good team to play when you need to win one more game oh that's this is where they thrive I mean I don't even so like I'm not sure which Auburn applies here because I honestly don't even think there's anything to ruin like A&M is quote fingers five right yeah like that four is a solid four and I mean honestly like as as pessimistic and cynical as I am about the playoff committee I still got to think they look at if since he shows up 12 and oh and they compare that to a team that has already been blown out and beat Vandy by five ended this shit against LSU that since he is ranking ahead of A&N.

um that might not be the extent of it like i don't i don't even know if there's anything about a and to really ruin does that change okay does that change if if florida wins the cc championship game and it's one loss alabama and one loss a and then they're just you think they're just taking them at that point yeah yeah because like because head to head yeah it'd be as simple as that i mean honestly that would completely lock out a and m okay if they got in nothing good would happen there's no reason to do it and like nothing on the resume is uh anyway yeah the only thing that gives me hope for Auburn beating A&M is that like Auburn's so much better at home this year than they are on the road on the road they have lost they lost Georgia by 21 they lost South Carolina by eight they barely beat old miss and they needed some bullshit to do it.

And they just got destroyed by Alabama in the Iron Bowl. At home, they've beaten Kentucky. They beat Arkansas. I needed some bullshit there, too. They beat LSU handily. And they beat Tennessee. So, like, it doesn't make sense. But that's the only thing that makes me think, yeah, sure, Auburn could beat A&M.

I needed some bullshit It would be Now it won't happen Of my own invention It would be very funny if Tennessee No It would be I agree

It would be Many imaginary things would be hilarious That is true Sure yeah I'm not I'm not saying it will happen But that would be great The Jared Garantano 9 TD game So Let's see

On 12 throws On 12 I didn't say I didn't say who he was throwing those TDs too by the way So A&M's playing at Auburn Is that right?

What's that? A&M is at Auburn, yes. Okay. FPI will favor Auburn outright. And Tennessee that's going to be a pretty big spread But

but still, far from inconceivable. Okay. Like Phil Fullmer at a Lubby's. Challenge accepted. God, it's Auburn at 11 a.m. too. Oh, Christ, almighty. Yeah.

Yeah. Can we stop talking about Texas A&O no? I would love to. Yeah, you started this. I did, but I am done. Let's discuss something more positive. Acorns is the country's leading, saving and investing app. Long time listeners, as in a week or two,

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And yet I've made 14 cents so far. You're on your way to bagman status. Yeah, man. Yeah, man. That's where a sock is a kind of bag. It's true. Yeah. Kennesaw State's first bag man.

I'd be the sock man. We probably do not have one at all. Now it's time. Now it's time. Yeah. I mean, Kennesaw might have a gift card, man. Go talk to the gift card, man. He's at the kiosk at the Kroger.

Yeah. The Culver's man. I got these Roblox books. Man, y'all got a Del Taco, too. Yeah. I'm just saying this with warm interest. Yeah, we do have a Del Taco. Such as it is.

I mean, I don't, this is the weird thing to me. Like, people from the West Coast, they talk about Del Taco fondly. I've never had a West Coast del Taco. I've only had Southern Del tacos, and I'm always confused. Is Del Taco a regional kind of thing? because I've heard this about like Chick-fil-A and Popeyes and whatever that is better closer to the source, is Del Taco the same way by chance? Yes.

Okay. I think so. Although there are different strengths. Remember, like, the best KFCs you'll ever go to are in China. Like, KFC and China absolutely kicks ass. It's great. I don't know what kind of non-USDA approved additives they use to make it taste so good. But when I ate KFC and China.

The answer is the venom symbiote. The answer is the venom symbiote. Get put it in my face. It'll be awesome. I'm ready. Hello, Spencer. We're going back to KFC, aren't we? Yes.

Acorns.com slash full cast to claim your $5 bonus and file it away so you can finally go to China to try America's worst fast food chain. Venom did nothing wrong. That's true. Yeah.

Venom's a sovereign citizen. I mean, Venom just encourages Venom just proposes things and then it's all your fault if you do them, right? Damn. Yeah. Just like the NCAA. Venom just recommends proposals is all.

Just an idea's guy. Speaking of games where you have choices. Ryan? It's my terrible game. This is the game I don't have a name for. And we're going to see how it goes. Spencer won this game last week. It's very simple.

I'm going to give him the title and one sentence plot summary of three musicals. Two of them are real. One of them I have made up. Spencer's job is to identify the false musical. I have not clear. I need to start clearing these with Holly because Holly is inadvertently giving Spencer better musical knowledge than I thought he had. But we're going to try it and see if it works this week anyway. And if you get it right, then I am going to.

start strategizing with holly and we will stump you i appreciate that you say inadvertently but i am exposing him to the chess musical on purpose yeah and i had to chess was on my list and i had to take it off the list um i mean one night didn't he's heard a lot of it i i would have known that from aba write the music for it yes yeah i would have known that anyway because i loved one night in Bangkok when i was a kid so okay all right great that's that's an insane thing all right uh this theme, this theme, the theme for this week, rather, is marriage trouble. And here are your three musicals. Musical number one, title, How Now Dow Jones, the plot summary, set on Wall Street, this musical follows Kate, who announces the Dow Jones numbers, who she also gets pregnant

after a one-night stand, and she has a fiancé who will not marry her until the stock market hits 1,000 points. That's musical number one. Musical number two. On a clear day you can see forever. Daisy, a woman with ESP and a smoking habit that may interfere with her engagement, goes to a psychiatrist who hypnotizes her and reveals she was previously an 18th century Englishwoman. And musical number three, rising flame.

Gertrude is engaged to a rich, but eccentric inventor who will not marry her until he designs a hot air balloon that can sail across the Atlantic Ocean, so she secretly begins editing his drawings at night to speed up the progress. Spencer, which of these three musicals is not real? So I'm pretty sure on a clear day you can see Forever's Real. Okay. The first one is so dumb, but it does allow the people writing the the music of the musical to write the obligatory suck-up song to New York that must take place in every musical, even if it is not said in New York. I'm pretty sure even like Aida has a song

about New York. I'm pretty sure that, like, Miss Saigon has a song about New York. That's actually true. Saigon, it's pretty good, but it's not New York, the greatest town of the world. and now I'm going to jump in the helicopter and fly it into the sun spoiler spoiler great sorry he's excited and that's your fault

it is I'm going to say the third one Rising Flame is fake Spencer you are correct how now Dow Jones is not only a real musical one of the songs I still can't believe I'm correct by the one of the songs in this musical called step to the rear um oh step to the rears from that

yes it became so popular that it became uh used in lincoln mercury tv commercials it was uh used in hubert humphreys 1968 presidential campaign and it was adapted into the fight song of which university the university of south carolina wow yep now right up to the rear of the division So Hubert Humphrey was inaugurated to a song about the stock market being good. Well, he didn't win. Yeah, why? But he was planning on it. Oh, not Herbert Hoover.

No, Hubert Humphrey. Yeah. Okay, okay. Yeah, because think about Hubert Humphrey campaigned on a song that was about step to the back of the line. That's, that's, now I know that's not what the song says, but if you just read the title, it's not the most inspiring or smartest, like, motto, right, for a political campaign. Fortunately, we've gotten much better about all that. Ryan, have you considered, by the way, these fake ones,

writing them down and attempting to sell them as musicals? Because I was like, I don't know, that could be a pretty compelling. I'm sure somebody would hear that and go, I got 10 songs on my head already. Yeah, that's a good point. Listener, if you want to contribute to this effort, and a few of you reached out and indicated that you did, just email me at Ryan. dot nanny at gmail.com please put broadway spencer in the subject line so i can find it would love more submissions for this there are a lot of terrible and crazy musicals still out there and and

now i now holly and i are going to make this our life's work so thank you because um we were bored to be honest we could use this i wanted to ask you ryan about um other melodramas sure in fact A melodrama, I know you took particular joy in watching because I know you watched it. Michigan and Penn State played this weekend. God. Yeah, Michigan and Penn State did play this weekend. Penn State is no longer winless.

Michigan is still stuck on two. Like, things are so bad that just like casually looking on Twitter before we got to um before we started recording like i think michigan fans i cannot tell this is a joke i'm serious i think michigan fans are worried that the administration's going to try to go hire bill o'brien really and i don't know how we got there i i mean i think they're i think they're in a fugue state at this point and going into this game i did actually wonder out loud to myself you know hey who would feel worse coming out of this game right and because i thought well i mean i could see ways in which it could go either way and i know that i was wrong because this is the

worst outcome the worst outcomes giving giving ped state their first win in a fashion that looked well a whole lot like other michigan games that jim harvaws lost nobody playing quarterback nobody mounting a semblance of an air game struggles on defense miscues ugliness yeah making Sean Clifford look competent not not real good it did look for it did look for a little bit at the end because Michigan got this game to within three like early in the fourth quarter so there was this hint of like hmm Penn State might be about to fuck this up and then they went on a 12 play 75 yard touchdown drive where they like just there was not even a hint that they might have to get off the field it was not a situation where it was like oh they they this this third and 18 they

converted they they went for it on fourth and two it was just like nope just fucking didn't have any problem marching the way where the field by the way made way worse by the fact that penn state uh managed to leisurely run the clock out by with 10 plays of five and a half minutes. Call all the timeouts, y'all. We'll just keep nibbling our way down the field. Yeah, it's, I have pretty, I have gone from, it's hard to judge anything this season.

Like, you shouldn't really overreact based on, you know, week to week, whatever. Even the Michigan State loss, it was like, look, Michigan State strategy for much of that game was like, throw ball get flag or make circus catch which is not like sustainable but yeah they were Michigan was just like so feckless for so much of this and yeah it ultimately to just to be this far into the the harbaugh tenure and still at quarterback be like I don't know let just you you're the savior this week what you suck all right let's go back to the other one

like it's it's so disorganized and just like there's there's no forward momentum to it at all did Penn State look broken did they look like a broken team Penn State they looked they looked they looked okay you know you know when you're driving on the road and you see a car that has like significant body damage that has not been adequately addressed where you're like I see you've you've bungeeed your trunk closed because you got rear-ended so badly that it won't stay closed that's Penn State at this point can it can it operate on the road yes should you stay near it no absolutely not should you get in it 100% no but that's Penn State football

Michigan is the car in the lake like Michigan is Michigan has a sea worthy car and not a road worthy one yeah I know of two teams that I watch and I went oh they're broken they're just broken

like they're just nothing nothing will work about them nothing is working about them and I do not know where you where one would start fixing a thing this broken one's LSU or the other one's Michigan yeah maybe they should switch that maybe they should switch coaches just straight up just swap them which which side of that it would be more poorly received at this point Michigan

Michigan having having it or John oh that'd go way worse yeah they could maybe convince themselves he's speaking French and he's just extremely worldly How long could they tuck themselves into that? It depends on if he's winning or not, man. There was a time when they were happy with Brady Hoke. It seems like a long time ago, but that was true for a while. Is he going to beat Ohio State? Yes or no?

Because that's also the answer to all other questions. Oh, that's not happening. Well, then the answer is no. I think that's our ending. Yeah, that's good. The answer is no.