Shutdown Fullcast - Put That Tiger In A Box

Episode Date: October 12, 2022

The crew discuss whether dogs can join one of the world’s largest and oldest faiths, go long on exactly why Oklahoma football is so bad right now, Spencer introduces everyone in under one minute and takes some reader questions, and we finish with important research Re: putting sweaters on alligators.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

It's funny because this is like LSU character who's clearly from oldness. Yeah, it's like Charleston, Louisiana. That's his name. That's his name. Yeah. Charleston, Louisiana. Well, he found, in the world is Charleston, Louisiana. Kevin Garcia is like, I thought that was a bit much.

You learned nothing but mid-south geography. He's in your pantry eating cheta straws right now. in a hat exactly the size of Miss San Diego's. I just love that. Huey Long was like, Can you boys put the tugger in a little glass case for me? And lead him around so they see we ain't fucking around now. He'll be hot in there.

I don't give a fuck. You put that tag in a box. Hughie put him in a box. He'll walk of the sickest mixtape. He'll run away. hear this. Then we'll have to buy another tiger.

We can get another tiger put it in a fucking box. I'll need the band I tell myself. What if the tiger gets warm? Let him sweaty

from the jungle. I saw him wearing a sweater. He'll be fine. Goving along, the environmentalists are complaining about the tiger

box. Send up three cases of whiskey and three shotgun shells. Tell them to choose one of fuck off. But I'm going to say. welcome to the shutdown fullcast you are listening to the internet's only college football podcast

i'm going to do this by the way setting a timer right now setting the stopwatch i am going to introduce everyone on this podcast in not two minutes but in one minute starting now joining us from national tennessee ryan nanny how we doing I have a quick question. No, you don't. Right. Now, Ryan, what's your question? Moving in order.

We have Jason Kirk. Jason Kirk. Say hi. How we doing? Ryan, I have a... He's great. Across the table. I'm going to need to hear it first.

How are we doing? Hang on one second. I need to hear Ryan's question. That's fine. I guess it's more of a question for Jason. Michael Serber. Michael Serber is joining us. You'll hear his time is strategically.

I've introduced everyone on this podcast in this doesn't count until server acknowledges he has been introduced. Horshit. It's parliamentarianism. We're an answer to hear of microphone, Jason. I think just do this. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Hold on this.

30. Acknowledged transmission. No, do this. All of the comments about this show are going to talk about how Holly's talking all over everybody. That's all we're going to get. Typical feminist podcast. Can I ask my question now? Is this a place for a robust debate or not?

I wish you would. Not everyone's entitled to a conversation, Brian. I'm going to ask this question to Jason now. All right. Jason, this is a real question that I've been like kicking around in my head for like at least three days. I'm not happy to admit this. Wow. Can a dog be Catholic?

Well, when did you baptize it? Like specifically, like specifically Catholic, not just Christian, not just one of God's children, Catholic. Oh, of course not. Did it choose to be baptized or not? Because some dogs jump in the lake on their own, and then they're baptized. Well, lots of Catholics don't choose to get baptized. They're, you know, it just happens when you're a little bitty thing. I guess it's none of my business.

I mean, I guess what you need is that dog confirmation? Yeah, at a certain age. So that age calculated in dog years is like one or something. Yeah, like two. Are you saying it's too late for my dog to be Catholic? Yeah, your dog needs to be Baptist, unfortunately. But that's the part of the world she hails from. Yeah, fair enough.

Yeah, like, because you don't want adult dog converts. They're so weird, you know. It's being exhausting. Like dogs who are born Catholic, that's how Catholic works, are born Catholic. Like, yeah, they're fine. Like, they go around, they see a dog who is also born Catholic, and they both compete to talk about who goes to church the least, and whoever does, they're the coolest.

dog catholic whereas like a dog who's two and converts to catholicism there the types are going to get online and say like we need to do another crusade and all the other dog catholics are wrong because of this rule from the year 900 and yeah or is it possible that there are different sacraments for like if we're saying that the basic split here is between like faith and acts I don't know what a dog's faith is so I couldn't tell you like oh this this dog is not Presbyterian or Methodist or Baptist or whatever, right? Right. I think dogs with no object permanence are actually cut out really well for a faith-based religion, you know?

Because it's like, we leave our house and our dogs are like, I believe we'll come back. A lot of dogs really start out Presbyterian if you think about it. How so? Like, that's their baseline. Can you expand on that? Well, they're Scottish. Okay. Scottish Terriers.

Scottish Terriers are all Calvinists. It's true. No, but they, listen, they rule, listen, I'm talking about, like, I'm thinking about PAC hierarchy specifically, right? Yeah. That's very presbytery. See? I think, um. But, like, is there dog confession?

Are there small dogs? Small dogs are Presbyterian, right? When you roll up on a small dog, it's like, I, you have always been bad. I've decided it. You were born bad. You're going to die bad. There's nothing you can do about it unless you've been chosen to not be bad, right? Whereas big dogs are all universalists.

Big dogs don't care. They're not threatened by anything. thing hey what's up man you're cool can't wait to go to heaven with you whatever you believe i don't care i'm a big dog so let me just take this back to um this is intertwined with the theological issue of dogs being recognized as having souls or not the kirk the kirk ferrance of the contemporary catholic church and by contemporary i mean like the last 300 years because they got a history um is pope pious the ninth who ruled forever in the 19th century and insisted that dogs had no souls like this is what this dude had to do as a job.

He would roll into the office, get himself some espresso and be like, dogs have no souls. My work is done. It would be a fantastic Pope. And not just that, but like, surely spent two years. Like, oh, I got, I got another expense report. Sorry. I need a conclave. Hold on. I need a conclave. Can you get everyone here

for an entire summer? I'm on the phone. I'm on the phone with heaven. Okay, God, I'm going to kill this dog right now. You let me know if he shows up. Let me let me show. Nothing. Nothing? Still? Hang on. I'll call back tomorrow.

Let me check with Satan. Nothing there either. You say he's buffering still? Clearly working off some sins. Probably owes me money for those sins. I would see, if I were Pope, I'd go even further. And I'd say, it's only parakeets in heaven. All other pets.

God, that's going to suck. Oh, it's so squawky and squeaky. Heaven is smelly. It's going to smell so weird. Yeah. This sucks. It's better than ferret heaven. God, can you imagine?

Oh, Jesus. Ferret heaven is like a fucking bonging all. bay in heaven all the parakeets sound like ghost face killer that's the even better part that's pretty cool you go insane in like eight minutes a billion ghost face killers singing the praises for all eternity with really obscure papal shoutouts right that is like the the living creatures around the throne that are like 85 animals at once yep that is kind of ghost faces vocabulary so yes this is from the book of manicotti what the heck Welcome to Heaven.

Please proceed to our mixer at the Ghost Face Kill of Petting Zoo. Yeah. As the prophet Derek said. Yeah. Are you doing a voice just done? Like a slight New York voice. Yeah. It was okay.

We'll go Action Bronson is what that was. Yeah. Yeah. Ghostface and Action Bronson just debating for all eternity. Just saying things like are cocaine nose holes acceptable? I didn't fear hell when this episode started. And I'm beginning to. That was a mistake on you, frankly.

I didn't anticipate hell. So this is the official stance of the Catholic Church still that dogs don't have souls? No, this started to weaken when I think it was Pope Paul the fourth told a child that they would see their dog again in heaven because obviously you're the Pope and the kids like, I'm going to see my dog. And then of course made a bunch of people super fucking angry. And that's a weak pope. That's a soft pope. it is soft hope only my priest

now father arnold back at franklin catholic church he would have been like saint phillips would have been like no man your dog that doesn't exist anymore this is all better than calvinism would have done that yeah all this is better calvinism calvinism you're like does is my baby brother have a soul yeah it's going to hell right

all of this is better than calvinism your baby brother wouldn't have died before being baptized if you didn't want it enough my dad by the way oh man fox sports one would have had a field day in these times My dad, by the way, this was like my priest growing up. And my dad, when I was much older, was like, oh, hey, do you remember Father Arnold? And I looked at him and he looked at me. And I was like, no.

And Father Arnold goes, no. Even though we damn well remembered each other. I respected it so much for that. Better this way. Yeah. No, I don't remember you. Well, because you weren't swole when he was mean to you. That's right.

Now I can beat his ass. Come on, Father. Let's go. Oh, my God. You've made the religious sequel to. Hot Rod. I did, until I could beat up my priest. Hot Rod is quite religious, I think.

I think there are all sorts of allegories. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, but the current thinking has been expanded upon by Pope Francis. Does that mean, I can base a church on Danny McBride's character in Hot Rod? Because I would. I would say, yeah. That's righteous Jim's stones, I think. Yeah, I mean, there are apostles, right?

It needs more green tea. Yeah. It's a little more green tea. It goes to church every goddamn Sunday. I've never seen my personality represented on screen before. until Danny McPriott started up in that movie. So, but Pope Francis expanded upon this in 2014 by saying that the design of salvation would extend to all creation. So that- See, I knew that having a pope named Frankie was going to make this a more relaxed and comfortable denomination.

I mean, you know, he's Francis of Assisi's sake. He's going to be quite friendly toward the dogs. Right. He's going to like animals more than he likes people and he's going to like people a lot. Francis of Assisi, of course, the legend is that he took the, uh, he's going to be quite friendly toward the dogs. There's, you know, a reference to, like, preach to the gospel to the whole world. He took it literally, stood outside and preached to birds. Yeah.

So that's the namesake here. So even, like, the weird fish at the bottom of the ocean with, like, like, lanternjaws and shit. I'm sorry, God made those first, man. If anything, you've got to preach to those first. Wait, those were first? He made the creatures to the sea first. It starts with the water, just like evolution, because evolution is in Genesis 1. You think they just dropped a gamer?

Genesis and God created a gamer subdued in a chair he was like sick right we had to build to the pinnacle of we had to build to the pinnacle of creation the gamer all of our resources for millions of years have created

I know Jesus somewhere on AirPods that fit and never fought out just nodding and being like these guys get it yeah they got it man I know Bert Reynolds has already weighed in on this but is the implication of Pope Francis's statement there that all dogs go to heaven I think that the prospect of salvation will eventually extend to all dogs.

Okay, because now, see, this is why it's cleaner to just say dogs don't have souls. Because if you say dogs do have souls, you either have to say, and they all go to heaven, or some of them don't, and now you have to explain why. You are the one who has to invent the idea of a bad dog, you asshole. How about this? There are no souls. There is one soul, and we all share elements of it. there is no heaven, there is a new creation, right?

And dogs are part of it. Vacation Buddhist school. This is the actual story, by the way. Okay. Okay. Yeah, I would also, there is an extension, by the way, a point of controversy in this New York Times article about whether dogs do go to heaven. Okay.

This is the first I'm hearing about an article. Is the extension, well, does this extend to other animals? So, for instance, if I eat a pig, do I later meet that pig that I ate? in heaven and he's like, it's all good? Why is the pig Anthony Anderson? What are you doing? There's probably a process of component. I think the pig gets to eat part of you, probably.

Yeah, take a bite. It's fine. I'm truffled. Also, if Ghostface and Action Bronson are Heavens rappers, I think Hell's rapper's clearly Big Sean. Yeah, Big Sean and Silk the Shocker. Oh, God. Oh, Jesus.

This guy's eight beats behind the beat. And get falling further for all eternity. How did he get a deal? A few times a day, he's on beat while 300,000 bars behind. Wait, so if hell is not eternal torment, but instead just the absence of God, does he represent the fall? Are you falling further and further away from God forever? For God's light. With his beats?

God is the beat. yeah okay at any time as c s lewis would say at any time you can choose to get on beat this will be difficult for you because you will have to make that choice if you're big sean you will refuse this for all eternity that's what the go-go song we got the beat is about we have the love the light of jesus christ in our lives right yeah they played that at my nana's funeral all the rappers in a minor key or just straight up straight up oh it's not a dirge it's not a dirge all the All main tier, all main tier rappers in Hellco. It's Chance the rapper.

Spencer, I want you to know. Oh, that's going to hurt. Chance's feelings really bad. I know it. Yeah. Is that the leg just sat on a pitchfork noise? Yeah, the sat on a fish fork noise, yeah. Chance's mom's going to call your boss.

Spencer, what song do you want us to play when we lower you into the grave? Oh, boy. You won't be dead, so make sure it's something you'll enjoy. Elson-A-Dito. annoying to the bitter fucking end. And then I want you to stop for a second. And when he says, Buenissimo, then you keep lowering, right?

You better make go, you better put me 18 feet down. We're lowering you into a well? Yeah. It's the only way to be sure. It's the only way to be sure. That's what I'm saying. The echo, the speaker's going down with you. The echo is resounding up the well.

pouring concrete on to the coffin. Whoops. Summoned Cthulhu. Damn it. At least he's down there now. He's Spencer's roommate. Oh, no. This fucking guy.

Is there one animal that categorically we can just say like none of them go to heaven? Mosquitoes. It's going to take mosquitoes a while to get there. Swans. Mosquitoes have a lot to work through. Swans don't want to be there. Swans are totally. Hell was full, so I came back.

Yep. That's swans already, so they don't want anything to do with heaven. Fuck a swan. Maybe swans are like some sort of alien. That is the untitled goose game mod we need. Swans? Hell mode. I was going to say, I think Swan game is actually just like half-life.

That's just a duck with a gun. I think swan or goose game, hell mode is the Diablo Cal level. Yeah. Remember this? Yeah. I think swan. mosquitoes jellyfish You know what

Jellyfish have real big purgatory vines Jellyfish are angels According to spoiler alert The Jordan Peel movie Huh Did y'all not see the latest one? No

No okay well Let me tell you what That's proof That's proof that I know I have the time I can get mad at you I have the opportunity Final Fantasy jellyfish

Are angel aliens Okay It's a great movie Hmm Okay Yeah I'm that that's all the neon genesis evangelian is real that is the documentary yeah that's what i want to see them ask big ten coaches about it's worth it like and it's worth sitting through all of the

boring answers just to get to the one where like where kirkvards sort of purges like we're just like one of them is going to have a here's the situation moment yes and let's be real we all we all know it's jeff it's jeff rom oh okay okay okay I could see it with Ryan Day, and that's the nicest thing I've ever said about someone associated with Ohio State football. But yeah. Like one of them is, his eyes are just going to light up

and he's going to have hours and hours of opinions. And they're going to be specific. Anime. Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, anime. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, I think it's, this is what I was saying. I think it's worth asking these stupid,

the stupid pop culture questions at Media Days because you're going to get, a bunch of flat boring rule i don't know about the inches but you're always you every once in you'll get one guy who just absolutely clicks and vibes to it and that makes all the rest of i'm gonna try to i'm gonna go bram because i don't know if you can get hired at peru without anime knowledge it doesn't seem possible does it please name your favorite anime dog yeah just like i'll bait him out with code i'll be like would you consider this past season with perdu's football a bizarre adventure coach bram and he'll be like he's just fighting he's kind of squinting at you

it's the try not to rock challenge yeah it is finally it'd be like oh season four was my favorite i know other people don't like it but gotta look cool jocks can see this yeah jojo um what's your favorite joke now i'm going to do it i'm going to go to big ten media days and i'm only going to ask one question i'm going to walk up i'm going to ask jeff brougham what his favorite jojo's bizarre adventure theme song is it's their fault for credentialing us and he's going to have an answer he's going to Absolutely have an answer. Betty enough. It is not enough.

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In fact, I'm seeing a little bit called the beaches in late September. And where did I get my ticket? That's right. Even ahead of time. I didn't wait till the last minute because GameTime's not CO has you covered then as well. That's what I love about it. Whenever I want to get a ticket for an event, whether I heard about it months before and procrastinated to no end and have left myself in a lurch, you can save up to 60% of buying

last minute for sports, concerts, comedy, theater, anything else. So take the guesswork out of buying MOB tickets with Game Time. You can download the GameTime app, create an account, and use code fullcast for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code F-U-L-L-C-A-S-T for $20 off. Download game time today. Last-minute tickets, lowest price, guaranteed. I did want to talk about today in the grand theory of dynastic football.

You should point out that the rest of us are skeptical of this. I know. You're very skeptical of this. but and at the risk of sort of explaining something I want to talk about why Oklahoma's so bad because they're fucking awful like they're their butt right now

they are such is it beyond just hiring Ted Roof are there things worse things worse than that doing that on purpose is enough of an indictment out of the gate but I think they had enough talent that

for a minute at least I was like oh maybe he can't maybe he can't move them backwards he can't move anything backwards yeah I mean that that seems to be that seems to be one very very large prominent and obvious reason why because like why do teams go bad you know they go bad because of like eight different things and I think like the biggest one we could all agree is when the school doesn't want to have football or doesn't care about being good at football like that's really Miami's historical problem when they're not really great is that the school is somewhat embarrassed of the football program because of their desire to be a legitimate athletic

institution that is also allied with Uncle Luke. They are absolutely uncomfortable with football on some level and sort of still are even though they've spent a lot more money on it. So that's step one. Step one is you have to, as an institution,

start rejecting football to get real bad. Oklahoma has not done that. Oklahoma has no shame about football. Oklahoma is not going to do that. No. It's sort of part of the brand and core identity at this point. If Nebraska has not done that, Oklahoma is at least 20-something years away from doing that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think Nebraska's novel for, and tragic, for wanting to be really good at football, like really at a DNA level wanting to be good at football and just, just not. It's like the harder they bear down on it, the worse it gets.

It's like a 5-5 guy who wants to play in the NBA. I would like a note for the listeners, it's incredibly cruel that we started this with like, what's wrong with Oklahoma? And it is somehow veered it too. Why is Nebraska so fucked up? I just love that. And this is way off time.

There's no safe space. Nebraska's like, all right, we're going to fire our native son, perfect golden boy, perfect fit, quote fingers over all that head coach so we can hire Lance Leopold from Kansas

in Wisconsin's like, actually, we're going to spend $10 million dollars to hire Lansley and Pulitzer. from Kansas anyway Oklahoma yeah uh so Oklahoma that is not their particular tragedy they don't have the Nebraska thing where we'd like to be really good at football but you know circumstantially resource wise it's just not happening nope nope they're they're probably going to be good at football again like I feel pretty

confident that institutionally they have that commitment this is definitely more one of those like Alabama style collapses where everything goes wrong but behind the scenes there will be beheadings dragings and enough reorganization to wear they will frog march themselves forward to excellence if it kills them. So like it feels like that's going to happen. Well, they're a whole lot closer to major Texas population centers than Nebraska is. That is correct. They're still close to a lot of, they're still close to a lot of really good talent.

They have a proven ability to get that in the current era. Like some schools that lost Prop 48 and the ability to, to manipulate the roster or take people who were already schooled in their offense because it was a unique offense. I'm talking about Nebraska again. Sorry, but they're such a good case study. So, sir, what's Prop 48? Prop 48 was an academic exemption rule in the NCAA code that allowed you to take people who might not fit your admissions requirements in the name of football excellence, in short. Were these known by any other name that we might be familiar with? Actually, no, you're going to have to tell me.

Oh, I thought it was the partial qualifier rule Partial qualifier, yeah I was just trying to bring out the audience along, sorry. Yeah. That was my mistake and I won't do it again. No, no, no, that was good. No. So they don't have that.

Oklahoma is still going to have a pipeline. I feel like they've got that. But what have they messed up? Like, what happened to them? What have they messed up? It sort of, to me, started in part with talent on hand and the nature of the team. Okay?

You had a very charismatic offensive mind as head coach. who, yes, continued to paper over a lot of their defensive struggles by scoring more points. It's a neat trick. If you're going to allow 38 points a game, score 41. That's a real great way to go ahead and make up for that. And able to do that with a series of... I don't even know if I would call that a trick. Well, yeah, it's just...

Like, it's not like he decided to have them score that many points because they had defensive struggles. Right. But they were at least able to play enough defense and score enough points so that that was a functional model of football. Yeah. Right. So he leaves.

And when Lincoln Riley leaves, on top of that, he takes a significant amount of talent, including Caleb Williams, the quarterback with him to Oklahoma. Fine. Well, it's the transfer market. I'm sorry, to USC from Oklahoma. Yes? Nothing. I was just, wait.

Yeah. So what's the first thing that people screw up when you have this kind of short-term decline, right? Long-term decline, we're talking like five, ten years when you're just but for ever, right? Like Florida, for instance, when you make three bad hires and you settle into a kind of pleasant mediocrity, not total disaster, right? Or when you're Nebraska and you do this for 20 years and you can't figure out what's wrong

and you try everything. Or Miami. Nebraska fans, I just want you to know that we know that there are other programs who have gone off. Three of us know that. Unfortunately, they're not interesting. They're not interested. But for some reason.

Yeah. Always Nebraska. Sorry, Nebraska. You were fascinating. We love your funeral potatoes. They are fascinating. So what do you do in the short term to make things so bad? Panic?

You do panic. It's time to. I think you should. Overcorrect? Yeah. Overcorrect. But from what mistake? Well, one is hiring Ted.

One is you make bad hires. Yes. Right? You make bad hires and you hire bad coordinators. You hire people who aren't going to do the job. and who are a bad fit for the kind of football you want to play. They're not a compliment to your complimentary form of football. Ted Roof is that dude.

Jason. What are the styles of football that Ted Roof compliments? I have a series. There are many, first of all. Thank you for immediately following me to that question. Like Cam Newton. If Cam Newton is on the other offense, you have an offense that can overcome Ted Roof. Otherwise, you're fucked.

that that is correct um can i note that his wikipedia his Wikipedia page praises him for his highly aggressive defenses false doubt anybody can edit Wikipedia it's fine it's fine they're not good at anything like aggressive means you get a lot of sacks and you give up a lot of touchdowns and like but like no they don't do anything i keep and this it's one of those crazy making questions because you hear a lot why does this guy keep getting hired? No really we're asking why does this guy

keep getting hired? He can't be that good of a hang. Yeah I mean I really think like other coaches just really like him. Like he was like a kind of a mentor type figure for a little bit for Venables at Clemson and like other coaches think he's cool. Like is he the guy who

always shows up with ice to the part? Is this just a lesson to always be the guy who brings ice? by the way like did we i think this might inadvertently pay him a compliment because by being inadvertent or all right if it's a compliment by being so many different places and keeping a job for so very long despite no obvious success like if you look his greatest achievement is like oh well i happened to be on auburn at a time when cam newton was there and when i had nick fairly on my defensive line that's i was there in the building like you're going to hire him so that

maybe there's some sort of law of attraction to where another Cam Newton just happens to walk in the building on the other side of the ball you have nothing to do with. Right. Right. I think one actually good defense was Penn State the like Bill O'Brien era. It was like it's a total aberration. He's like no one should have had a good defense with that. Somehow he did and other than that it's dick fucking nothing. He won four games in four years as head coach at Duke, which I will state is bad even for Duke football that's pretty deplorable even at Duke

three straight 0 and 8 C in conference seasons yeah it's it's wild to me like whenever like once a year or so you look up and like wow that team's getting torched who's the defense quarter there oh I should have guessed

it's dead roof and like you post it and then like younger sports fans are like I know a song about a roof being on fire I will make the joke and it's like that is a good joke welcome aboard people have been making it for literally decades that's how bad this guy is like right like like not to say oh you should have known this already it's just like yes welcome more keep it coming it's a yearly tradition but we have but ted roof is also one of three defensive coordinators on this staff there's probably another problem there okay all right when you say three defensive coordinators what do you mean

I mean that if you look at the coaching staff list on Oklahoma's football website, Ted Roof's title is defensive coordinator slash linebackers. Todd Bates is associate head coach slash co-defensive coordinator slash run defense slash defensive tackles. And Jay Vali is co-defensive coordinator slash past defense slash cornerbacks and nickelbacks. And the head coach is also a defensive quarterback. coordinator by trade. I thought you might have, I thought that they might have put

like former defensive coordinators of other programs into new roles, but no, they do this thing. So Ted Roof is the defensive, he's not on without the co-title, but he only coaches the linebackers and he doesn't run the run or past it. Like, I don't understand.

I'm telling you, he's getting ice. I'm sure there is some sort of some distribution of labor here, but it does not make sense just based on the titles. Can I mean, my offer is this, what if he's just cool? Like this? Sure.

Like, he might just be the coolest dude. Sure. You're like, I don't know. Like, does he just pull up every other day in his awesome vintage truck? Does he bake? Yeah, with a thing, a cup case. He's like, well, wife kicked me out again. I'm in Dutch the old lady.

I'm going to be sleeping on the couch. I'm coming old Ted. Ted Roof, your new title is Starcunch coordinator. You got to bring him. We love him. but yeah that's my that's my question because there's no other reason so you've you've hired a guy who who by the way may have one purpose here he's a convenient scapegoat like you can just you can just like oh that must obviously be it we'll ditch him because if you do fire him you haven't really

lost like one of your chief recruiters you haven't lost one of the guys just keeping the talent in you haven't lost anyone who's going to bad matthew because ted's a great guy Ted's going to be like cool. I'm just going to go get dark crutches at another school. Ted knows why he's here. Ted's here to be jettisoned when he's being. I am also just now realizing that Oklahoma has hired three defensive coordinators all who work under Brent Venables.

Right. Uh-huh. Like. So that Brent can focus on the offense. Scoring lots of points. It's not a, and that defense that Venables runs extremely complex. like it is a complex defense it is not one that you know hey we're going to roll out but it's not

iowa's defense and i said that it's a compliment to iowa because they're like what are you going to do i'm going to play cover three and beat your ass like that's do what we did in 2002 why yeah and we're just going to do the shit out of it right that's pretty much what they do vanneville's defense is pretty complex the idea of that complex defense being taught by an additionally complex management structure to me screams of like disastrous management courses where they're like yes if we it's like the six sigma defense right it's a very complex system but it will solve everything it will only take eight years and bankrupting this company to install yeah this pass rush could have been an email god you got four different guys screaming different things at you about the defense rate doing something

different on every play that's right fun which you know seems like that seems like that seems like fun. It also seems like absolute, I mean, can you imagine being a player on this and watching this happen and being like, I think you could probably do this? Because you've had moments when you were younger, when you were looking at like structures of authority where you go, oh, I think you're doing this wrong. Like players on this team have to be like, what? Really? That's how you decided to do it? Three different dudes? Not to be elitist, but we're all four stars and Kansas State is all one stars. So we could probably just sort of line up and run straight forward. And this is this is also not the side of the ball where they had to they had to a coach like quit slash fired at the beginning of the season yeah what happened there do we ever get that story right uh it was kind of convoluted as i recall yeah i'm not exactly sure what happened there totally but it was one it was one of those where like every time more information came out it was like hold on what word was said how many times why is this if like the two

The Gondy, right? Yeah, yeah. Cale Gondy. Yes, Cale Gondy, who allegedly used. A key part of any Pizza Hut buffet. Superfood Gundy. The world's largest purveyor of kale pizza. But, okay, so, so, all right.

That's not what purveyor means. Is that true? Purchaser, acquire. Yes, acquireer. Yeah, that's what, yeah, no. Prevare is the other side, isn't it? Prevayer's the other side, sorry. No, I meant, is Pizza Hut the largest?

Oh, yeah, for a while they were when the buffets were the thing. No wonder I'm so healthy. Sorry if you can't keep up with me. I've just been eating a lot of pizza hut. Superfood, all right, I think so. I've always thought so. When I was six, I thought so and still do. Eight Kenyan marathoners behind me, and I'm like, it's the hut, baby.

It's the hut. This one keeps me strong in mile five. Man, if you're going to keep up with me, you better book it. These are bucket lords, baby. Just me and Craig Robinson. I want that track suit. I want that track suit so goddamn badly that he is wearing in these ads. Congratulations to Craig Robinson for your pizza.

Money. Give me the track suit. Give it to me. So Oklahoma has made bad hires before. So they don't know how to handle this. Like, especially, like, Oglama has had a history of, oh, man, this is not,

the defense is a problem. I can think of at least three other hires. Hey, Mike. Yeah. How many of those hires are Mike Sto? Like, this is, this is not a new problem, as I guess what I'm saying.

So why is it so much worse now? Right. Well, it's not exactly, I mean, like, look at what they've done in the past, okay? Because this is a program that has had very, very little turnover over the past 70 years.

Let's compare them to Nebraska in that regard. They were very similar for a while. For a while. Until this millennium. And then a man named Bill came a while. Their interims are very, very short. Like they have Bud Wilkinson. Bud Wilkinson goes like 1947 and 1963.

Steady as Rock, to some of the greatest, you know, like, statistical college football performances in history happened under Bud Wilkinson. And then they go through, like, a little eight-year interim where they have three guys. They have Gomer Jones. Who's official? What? Gomer Jones.

Yeah. He was like, Gomer at one point, he's, like, offered an NFL gig, and he's like, nope, I'm staying here in Oklahoma. And they fire him a year later. Yep. It's nice to know that we've always been like this. That's Gomer's Iliad right there. Yeah.

God damn you, Ryan. Gomer's official Wikipedia page. Well, yes, it's over. Elliot Oklahoma. Hell no, I ain't getting on that boat. They got a great collage. It sure it was, odd to see. They did give me a lovely golden fleece on the way out there.

Yeah, I burned my boat. If by that, you mean my Cadillac. I burned my boat because I live in Oklahoma. So they go through three coaches, including Chuck Fairbanks, and then they get Barry Switzer in 73. He's there for another 15 years. That's good and steady. And then the most recent, like, weird period,

there's the five-year Gary Gibbs period, which isn't terrible but isn't great. But then they have two coaches in a row who are real bad, one of whom pains me to say, Howard Schnellenberger, not top form Howard Schnellenberger. It's a lot of rumors about Howard Schnellenberger in 95 coming in and being like, he comes in and he says, they're going to like write stories about the legends that we create here and they're like

coach your drink smells you need to put more coconut so we can't smell it so then he left to conclude his epic legend ballads at florida atlantic and somewhere more appreciative of such literature that is that is correct then uh and where everything smells a little like rum anyways. Oh my God. Did you guys see the story about the anti-woke bank? Yes. Yes, it did. Okay. Sorry. I only thought about it because they mentioned places that were more appreciative of drinking at work. No, no, really. That's part of the story. The guy who's the rich dude who founded that, out the bank whose house they were working out of yeah they oh god i forget the direct quote but there had been multiple complaints apparently about him drinking on the job and when the wall street

journal called him for comment about this he was like i think what i do in my own home after five p.m is beneath the interest of the wall street journal it was it was the five that really stuck it because you know it's five oh two it's very specific for some shaps very specific Like, is that not the most 1962 attitude to be like, 501 trashed? Let's go. We're in the middle of the meeting.

Don't care. It's 503. I'm already late. If you didn't want me drunk, you should have scheduled it for 9 a.m. Next train leaving for Moonshine Station, too, too. I think I'd be okay with the boss being super drunk

if he made train noises. Listen, if you're going to make up a mythical place called Moonshine Station, I want to work there. I want a vacation there, idiot. Where do you work? Moonshot station. That's where the trams at West Virginia sleep at night. I want to be stationed there. I will defend it.

Is this like Thomas and Friends, but with knives and federal charges? I founded the Moonshine Station militia. West Virginia Thomas the Tanker Here comes Gordon He has a knife Thomas the Coltrane On the big rock

I'm on the big rock Fide come out Okay You know the original version of Big Rock Candy Mountain Is like drunk as hell right Yes

It's essentially like Pleasure Island for Drifters For railroad Yeah Yeah And it mentions the lack of police that's like in railroad bulls that's like the railroad bulls are

blind the jails are made oh in the big rock candy mountain all the jails are made of tin and you can walk right out of them as soon as you're in how is this not west virginia's fights song uh boy too many verses let me tell you let me tell you uh what an EPA like super fun site big rock candy Mountain Universe is. I thought you were going to say Big Rock Candy Mountain University. Like, honestly, some of it sounds- which is also a problem. Some of it sounds real cool.

O'Shea inspectors. Skull with a rock. First of all, first of all, Rock Candy Mountain posits the existence of cigarette trees. An amazing concept. Brett Beelma, I could use one of those on Saturday nights.

The more you keep talking about, the more I'm sure that this is in West Virginia is. All right, there's lemonade springs. lemonade springs which ants the bulldogs all have rubber teeth I'm fascinated by this concept it's so they can just gum you for their own pleasure

right they would still bite rubber can be very hard this would still hurt a lot I'm still bad with dogs just to be clear so basically these are dogs for these are dogs for riot police yes in the big rock to avoid accountability with civilian oversight there's rubber teeth attack dogs your honor In the big rock candy mountains, you never change your socks, and the little streams of alcohol come trickling down the rock.

That part, yes. Isn't there like a lake of gin? No, it's worse. There's a lake of stew. Oh, God, that's worse. I can't think of anything more disgusting. Yum, yum. They don't specify whether it's hot or cold.

It's definitely beef stew. It's just a big lake of rancid beef stew. Don't have what kind of meat it is. That's the point of stew. I'm going to roll around in it. Come in the stew. Lake. This was written by a guy who's just been drinking his own urine for like 30

30 extra days. This also posits the existence of stew jet skis. This is basically what you're describing is Willie Wonka in the chocolate factory but for a divorce dad's. It gets worse. There's worse. And another lake of whiskey too. There!

That one. Yeah. So there's just corpses. Because you get out the bill of the whiskey lake. Yeah. I could have sworn gin was in there somewhere. Yeah. The jails are made of.

tin and you can walk right out again yeah and they hung the jerk that invented work. This is the labor uprising right here. This is how bad the situation was and how bad capital was toward labor in the 20s that they're like

I'm going to go ahead. Was? Which 20s? I'll drown myself in a lake of stew. I don't I want a tree that just spits out. I want a tree that just spits out cancer sticks. Cigarette tree would be quite an investment, though, right?

So speaking of Nebraska. No, they don't have mountains. Sorry. Yeah. A big flat candy. It's the candy mountain flats. And a cave full of full backs. Did we or did we not have a There was a retention pond full of chowder

Sorry And some chili full of donuts It's a local dock of sea You're just back to Nebraska It just went right back to Nebraska Just one dragon that craps out cinnamon rolls And another one that belches up chili Whoever can mate these dragons

is the chosen one. The one who will be able to claim Tom Osburn's sword. Which is a gun. I'm in a safe. Kevin Steele perks up, hmm? Kevin Steal's a hero, by the way, for being part of not one. Not one, but two amazing coaching soap operas that he was part of.

Is that the word we want to? There's like three at this point. Andy's on the mind. Andy's on the. Miami staff now. Oh, man. He's the opposite of Ted Roof. You invite Ted Roof in, good vibes.

Ted Floor. He'll take the blame. Invite Kevin Steele in, you get instant drama. He just brings a telenovela with him. Kevin Steele walks in your office and instantly your toilet is backed up. He hasn't even gone in there. It's a gun. He put a gun in there.

By the time you go fix it, he is sitting in your chair with his nameplate on your desk. Well, he was watching the Godfather, but he fell asleep and got the wrong idea about hiding the gun. in this world. I licked everything on the desk. It's mine now. You still want it? I got stripped throat. You better get out of here.

Get out of my mouth. Thank you for inventing the idea of stupid godfather where instead of hiding the gun in the toilet We're a stupid godfather. They're all eating their pasta with their hands at that scene, right?

The cop's facing the wrong way. Michael goes into the bathroom and the gun is literally in the toilet bowl. He's like, got to fish it out of there. I think, is stupid Godfather Goodfellas? No. No, no. Opposite.

Opposite. No, no, no. Stupid is as a term of endearment. Godfather is stupid goodfellas. Yeah. I'm using the word stupid as the highest compliment here. Right. Like Goodfell is one of the greatest movies ever.

I've never been able to pay attention to Godfather. Yeah. This is, this is the correct. I mean, opinions are subjective, but this is objectively a correct opinion. Yeah. Anyway, when Nebraska. keeled over in the garden and died that's right when Nebraska shoved an entire tomatoes like that when they went to the orange bowl stuffed an entire orange down their throat choked on it and died

is this a good time to bring up the true story that i did that in the fifth grade stuffed an entire orange yes into your mouth yes you decided to see if you were a bow constrictor yes how did that end not great it turns out that if you leave it sitting on your for long enough the citric acid can actually give you a chemical burn. Ah! Anyway, I'm alive. I don't know how either. You've survived a lot.

Most of it of my own doing. I don't know if that's better or worse. It's just different. It's just different. Anyway, so why are we talking about Oklahoma again? Because we're talking about Nebraska. We were talking about Nebraska, which brings up their natural comparison of Oklahoma.

who happens to be very bad right now. Unlike successful, healthy Nebraska. Dominating, dominating, if you will. In interim coach land. I feel like you had a point like 45 minutes ago that none of us were buying it. I'm not any closer to buying it, but I do feel better about Nebraska. I'm glad we got to learn about the Big Rock Candy Mountain. Can't smell that without OU.

Oh, oh, Ryan, Ryan, I know the question we wanted to ask. Spencer yeah okay Spencer look at me look directly at me no screens yes all right what week of the season is it right now it's week six yes yeah we got them folks

is it week six no what is it week seven yes okay remember sometimes are already six and oh yes yeah yeah not not Oklahoma but no no no far from it I mean closer than Nebraska but far from it that's true he's looking folks he's looking at this look of quiet this air of quiet woundedness

we'll try this again next week I actually don't feel bad about this I'm like that's fine I know you don't you were really confident about that one though you like went right for it I bet Betty's disappointed

Betty's my advocate here Betty is disappointed yeah the other thing too is that they don't have a quarter they don't have a quarterback got a quarterback injured and they're short on that side so like that's how

that's how they're so bad in short just want to be like hey that's why they're so bad are they going to stay bad is it serious panic time I do think you should kind of panic I think that's what Ted Roof's there is he's there to get fired

right like he's 100% there to get fired but like they'll look better next year because the talent is still coming in right they still have a ton of they still have a ton of good players they're going to get more good players

everybody at Oklahoma still wants to be good at football it's not like you've had some sort of like seismic shift we're like no no no we've decided it's gonna we're a basketball school now no they have not done that players uh players might leave you know players do that a lot of them did this last time around before even seeing how it went so i don't know and the schedule is going to get really hard in a couple years why would that be jason what i think they're they're uh they're going to honor their commitment to the big 12 for for many many years to come and you know then they'll

see what happens um i um i um i was on team panic for oklahoma fans even before reading Bill C.'s post this week about, like, the teams that are collapsing so quickly that Vegas cannot keep up with them. Yeah. And the historical comps for Oklahoma in that regard are, like, some of the worst most... I saw Wazoo Paul Wolf in there. Right, yeah. It's some of the absolute most hopeless situations you can remember from the, you know, from this millennium.

Oklahoma is right in the mix. And as Ryan pointed out Saturday night, the loss of Texas was... There was nothing fluky about it. 49-0 if you look at the stats is what the score should have been. If I'm an Oklahoma fan of me, or panicking or, I don't know, watching the Cowboys. If you remember from earlier in the season, from right before the season, and then again in week one when, actually, never mind, this is kind of funny now, but when Ole Miss and Tennessee were both in the top 10 of preseason S&P Plus

and Bill C couldn't figure out how to get them out of the top 10, this is. the opposite problem with that yeah the uh so just in this past three games for a once ranked team over the last 30 years uh the fifth worst is oklahoma 2022 they have been 98 points under uh 2005 colorado 99.5 points under 1999 UCLA uh which was a full hundred and one and a half under then that's followed up by texas tech in 2011 107 points under and texas in 1997 the worst uh it gets worse the comparison for the largest underachievement for a first year coach i'm just going to read the names not the uh the the actual you know sums uh ron dickerson from 93 temple remember when temple was actually kicked out of the big east that's

We're talking that era. Paul Wolfe at 08, Washington State. Brent Venables, 22, Oklahoma. Worse than Paul Wolf in 2008 at Wazoo. And then Vic Canning at Wyoming, Brian Knorr at 2001, Ohio, and a real bad comparison, 2010 Turner Gill at Kansas. Ouch. But all those situations turned around, right?

No, no, they didn't. For someone. For the next coach, yeah. I have a maybe slightly more boring answer. Hit me. Which I think a lot of why coaches do or don't succeed quickly at like big name programs like Oklahoma has a lot to do with like the environment they find themselves in when they parachute. Like when they when they make that jump. These are the other coaches who were active in the Big 12 when Lincoln Riley.

had his first season when he went 12 and 2. Obviously, like a much smoother transition and you don't have transfer nightmare and, you know, all this other shit. You've got Gary Patterson at TCU. They're still a solid squad at that point going 11 and 3. Mike Gundy's obviously at Oklahoma State.

Matt Campbell is starting to break through at Iowa State. They go 8 and 5 that year. It's Bill Snyder at Kansas State at that point, but that's like, I want to say, yeah that's his penultimate year and that's definitely not like the peak Snyder years by any means it's tom herman in texas it's dana holgerson like winding up his last few years at west virginia um cliff kingsbury at texas tech david batty at kansas and matt rule at baylor when baler was you know at the at the bottom

football wise certainly and like most of these programs with the exception Like, there are maybe a handful of exceptions here, but it's like the early returns, at least, on a lot of especially the new hires in this conference, like, the coaching is just good. There aren't that many cheap and easy wins you can get. I think this tends to explain a lot of, like, you know, when Auburn is good or bad, or when Florida is good or bad, or when, you know, even when Kentucky or Vanderbilt, like, when they have their, like, good, their super good years, it kind of lines up when, oh, these other schools are having some big problems.

Like, you kind of need that balance. It's a lot harder to do when it's like, yep, you're new, and everybody else is on their game. Ryan, I think you're definitely onto something. I'm looking at 2017, Lincoln Riley's first year, and the computer composite, the Big 12 was the fourth best conference that year. According to dozens of different computers all thrown together this year, according to the same metric,

Big 12 is currently the best conference. Well, at least he's movie to do an easier one. Yeah, so I take it back. I take it back. The difficulty will finally alleviate itself once you get to play Alabama more. Because I mean, shit, they're pretty bad by Texas standards. They barely beat two Texas teams that aren't even the best Texas team. Yeah, by the way, next year's schedule just to start off for Oklahoma.

In case you go, well, I'm right. You know, how fast is the mob coming next year's schedule to start? Arkansas State, SMU, and Tulsa. Good start. Brilliant. That's exactly how you want to do it. Get me some breathing room. God. The problem is if you don't go three and oh, like,

they don't know. There is no institutional memory of how to do this, right? Sure. Old Yeller is a very new story for them, unlike for some fan bases who every three years have to go, I'll do it, Paul. I also think that is maybe, a small bit. I don't think it's the majority of the reason why. I think that is a small element of

why there is no actual heat on Kirk Farrants at Iowa. I think Iowa looks around and it's like being on that particular roller coaster, that sucks. Like having to hire somebody, Oregon has not had a good time since Chip Kelly left. And Oregon tried to do the like, well, we'll just, you know, retain internal talent and sort of keep everything rolling. And oh God. And oh God. Now we can't keep coach you know it's just like there it there is a the devil you know quality to some to this for some programs yeah and like i mean i was a funny one because it feels like like how much longer can this go on they did win 10 games last year like sure kirk said so they've they're winning percentage well over 500 yeah it that part never matters like they're winning percentage for

the past one two three four five six seven like they win a lot of games it's awful he'll stay i think i think the main thing for me is like and and this is the thing i never understand if you're going to bail if you're going to rip the band-aid off and i and whether or not that's a good decision like is entirely situational what is the next thing you're going to do like this to me is ultimate yeah fair but like louisville if you're going to fire scott satterfield which apparently beating Virginia buys you more time like what happens next Wisconsin I think has actually handled this really well because they have like I cannot remember a time this has happened before

where a school has said this is the interim and almost officially said he is auditioning for the job yeah but like that is a plan and a lot of schools will just be like ah we fucking hate you we don't want a dad oh shit we need one Wisconsin has like If you get Lance Leopold Great if you don't you got this guy Who's kind of already like younger The guy you had and maybe a little more forward thinking

Like Wisconsin Who you also like want to affirmatively keep Who you're not just like retain It's not just like oh you're here And therefore we have to give you the job Like as as stupid And as kind of fucked up as the Manning Diaz situation Was at the end of last year

where he's like still the coach but not the coach it was a form of a plan it was a very sloppy plan and whether it will work out or not is uh i think a little bit in doubt right now but like what does oklahoma do if they're just like nope bret venables ain't it what happens next bob stoop's 30 million dollars a year did they go get return did they go hire one of the other stoops and hope they remember which one is the good one i mean this is you have to remember. Look at the one that we haven't tried yet. Go get Ron. Go get Ron Stoops. New Stoops just dropped. The one who I thought, I think it's Ron Jr., the one who I thought had the best job of all who had their dad's old high school job. Am I making this up? Or was there one who I don't know. I have

no idea. Yeah, I know. I think that's right. I think that's right. I think that's, I think that's, I don't think anyone knows the whereabouts of all the stoops. Like, everyone just knows a few of them. It's important to practice Stoops' awareness of the ones that are on our radar. The thing that the thing people forget about, like Iowa in particular, like, okay, so who would Oklahoma go and get? I don't know, but they have, they have a real fear of how far the bottom could fall out. Sure. A place like, a place like Iowa, they've only had two coaches since 1979. Yes. Two. Right. We're looking at, we talked about this a little bit, over the weekend. We're talking about like the Oregon conundrum, right?

Right. Like what, what do you, like, where is the bottom? How much are you scared of that? But do you think Iowa has even had that discussion? Do you think there is a piece of paper or a document somewhere that is like, if, if, even if it's just like, Kirk Ferrence retires and we're not fucking given the job to Brian, like, is there a list? It's, and this is completely unquantifiable and it's possible that the Iowa fans that we know are just pretty naturally chill. But it also, there also seems to be, this does not seem to be a fan base in revolt. And if they are in revolt, they're being kind of subtle about it. Or do we just, do we just know really laid back Iowa fans? I have seen a, I have seen a lot more Iowa. Like, I mean, I don't know people who are happy, but like, think about the fan bases that we are coming from.

Yeah. And the, like, the weird shit that would be going on in our own college towns. we were in this position the shift that i have seen at least on twitter which is not real is whereas last year you'd get a lot of like listen i was good just because they're not good in the way that you like doesn't mean you have to they're good team all right so why don't you show them some fucking respect has now shifted total last year was a fair point sure i think i think but now that has shifted into jesus enough of this bullshit please i think you have to compare them to if you're like comparing them to an cc fan base you have to make sure it's a fair

conflict. You can't compare them to, like, what would be happening at Alabama if they were three and three. If Kentucky after a 10-win season is 3-3-3, there's no riots, but they're pretty unhappy about it. And, like, if even their 10-win team looks like a 3-win team, then, I mean, I think they seem especially unhappy by Midwestern standards. Who is the Iowa of the SEC at this point? Kentucky. Kentucky. In every way. Kentucky? I can see it and I can't. It's what, a team that seeks to be competitive. Kentucky's too happy to be Iowa right now.

They're going to win ugly. They're totally fine with winning ugly, right? Extremely ugly, if necessary. I guess I'm having trouble seeing the comparison because Kentucky's pretty happy right now. Yes. Yeah, I mean, I get in the moment. I think long term, right? Give them 10 more years of like, oh, man, we beat this team that means our expectations

go up, right? Yeah. Pause it a box. This box plus time if we put Kentucky into it. Kentucky is still getting used to being good. Kentucky remembers how bad it could be. Take away that memory and how happy are you. You know what I mean?

Iowa fans don't remember that like the last winning, the last winning season they had prior to Hayden Fry's arrival in 1979 was 1961. They had to go all the way back to 61 until like you could find a winning record. Like how low is the bar there? how bad can it get it can get terrible for decades at a time but does that even apply in like modern like do any of these old patterns and histories like do they mean anything in 2022 because of how roster construction is different and recruiting is different and how like isn't

everything different isn't it a lot harder to sort of stay in the base like we Kansas is the obvious example. Duke is no longer, like, think of all these schools that in the last, I don't know, five years have been like, nope, not going to stay down there. There are not that many schools that just live in the basement anymore. Negligence never sleeps. It's always in fashion and someone is going to pick it up. Which also means there are not many schools that live in the penthouse for very long.

No, no. Like Oklahoma, you were guaranteed a spot there for decades. You just not now. Yes, that is the trade-off, I think. But I think if you're just saying, like, you could go back to, you know, constantly struggling to make bowl eligibility. It's like, I don't think that's true anymore. I think there is enough, there is enough figured out at this point that really any program with a base level of resources, if they do, like, just the right number of things that they don't have to be amazing, can be, like, can more or less do what Wake Forest has done. over the last few years.

Like, Wake Forest is not going to make the playoff, and I don't think anybody expects them to, but Wake Forest is not going to go one in 11. Or they could have all the resources and be Texas most of the time. Yeah, listen, we have several current ongoing runs of uninterrupted mediocrity that I can count off to you right now at big schools. Florida, USA, Texas.

Florida went to an SEC title game like two years. Florida is fine, right? Stealing valor. No, no, because, this is this is where you're wrong because like yes florida is not what it used to be but to call florida a mediocre program yeah that's spoiled like is is is some spoiled baby bullshit i will take it um you know what i i think you there was sorry how many national titles have you had this millennium anyway moving on um point ced trial proceeds Miami is the better example in the state

Miami is the Miami is much my floor you know or Nebraska sorry oh yeah or Florida Florida State. Maybe, sure. Say Miami because that way it pisses off Florida fans who want to suffer to someone to acknowledge there's grand suffering. And it pisses off Miami fans

because the Kane Dynasty will never, ever end, you hate her. Yeah. Urf, or, sorry. That's true. Yeah. Pretend that instead of barking, I did a homophilic slur.

But really big schools that keep mismanaging. That dog's going to hell. All of this, yeah. Like, you can go down a little bit, like you could go down a slight tier and find even worse examples, like Arizona State. Arizona State, just a lot of upside, a lot of potential,

and they just keep spitting the bit. They just won't get on board. I don't even think that is true. I don't think that's true. Hang on, let Ryan rebutt. Let's structure this for a second. Let Ryan rebutt and then you come back. Okay, I got it.

All right, I'm going to pull up Arizona State's sports reference page. 18 bitches. Fucking load. Okay. 2013 2014 back to back 10 win seasons one of them ends with a win in the sunbowl both ended ranked in the top 25 like this is not the mark of a mediocre program we can have the separate discussion about like what the pack 12 especially the pack 12 south looked like in 2013 and 2014 but like programs are grateful this is a team this is this is a team that has been to let me count one two three four five six seven nine bowl games in its last 12 seasons. And one of those obviously was a COVID year where they didn't go to any bowl game.

This is not, I have a problem saying that like an Arizona state, which by location and history does not like have a right to be significantly better than this, that this is like a mediocre team. It's more the epic history of mismanagement there that really makes me think that there is an artificial cap on what they could be by them constantly making hires that nobody else would make.

For instance, the time that they recently just squandered, not only hiring Herm Edwards, but letting Ray Anderson be their athletic. I've got to say, there aren't too many instances in all of the sport history where you could say a hire that nobody else would make and it's not hyperbole. That's one. But this is what I mean. Herm Edwards, everything you're saying is right. And this is what is also true.

Hermad words went 26 and 20. So the idea that you, I think like, it's really hard to drive a program all the way into the ditch at this point. There are still enough things you can do right that you can be like, yes, we can sort of like keep it from taking on water aggressively. When there's enough, there's enough, I really don't want to get into like the State Department of it all, But there's enough institutional structure at a lot of these places where it's really tricky to dismantle it on the fly, even if you're trying to. Sure.

Yeah. And in addition to that, before they got Herman Edwards, before we even, before we even. Who was fine? The Todd Graham concert experience. Yes. Was mostly fine. Who was in terms of football games? Pretty good.

Todd, it's Brittany Bitch Graham. He has a legitimate, he has a legitimate case as Arizona State's best coach of the 21st. This might be the first time that anybody has ever used those words in the same sentence. Right. Sure. And he was fine. But then they get a legitimate case to assume that Todd Graham is patient zero. Yeah.

But you have like, then they spent the rest of the 2000s on Dirk Cutter and Dennis Erickson. Yeah. You know, like, come on, man. Everyone's employed Dirk Cutter at some point. And Dennis Erickson. And Dennis Erickson. And Dennis Erickson. That's true.

That's true. Actually, Dennis Erickson is. on this podcast right now. The Arizona State Sun Devils are the chargers of college football. The length of those two Wikipedia vios is just sprawling and continuing. They really are run like. It's like the incredible Hulk just wandering across the end. It's like movie credits.

How many fucking animators are on this Arizona State set? We didn't even know what was going to look like. They just told us, they just told us Rudy Carpenter, like Thanos fight. And just told us, yeah, dissolves. You see the name of a song. I didn't hear that. They paid money for it. Yep.

Yeah. God damn. They really are run like a team, like an NFL team and that they expect the checks to come whether they're good or not. Yes. But here's the fucked up thing. Who has had the best, who has had the better last 10 years? Arizona State or Nebraska. Damn.

I already know the answer. I know. Like, this is, I, I. I hear what you're saying. You're not asking enough of our beloved sun devils is what I'm saying. You need to ask your son to get off the couch and get a job, Ryan. The real reason why I think you have this like eroding upper middle class, let's call it, in college football, where it is like these segments of like there are the Ohio State Bama, Georgia's.

And then there's like the kind of an interesting thin layer beneath them that's like, hey you'll get the fourth playoff spot it won't go great have fun and then there's everybody else who's like you're eight and four and therefore you suck i think it's just like recruiting change so i i looked at this recently if you look at the 1992 alabama roster and you see where did the players come from it's like i think it was like two-thirds bama the state of one-third somewhere else and the somewhere else was mostly like places near alabama if you go look at like one of the more recent championship rosters, that ratio has almost flipped. Recruiting has changed in such a fundamental way over the last 20 plus years that this is no, like if you are Arizona State, you can't

assume that you can like put a wall up around any recruit. And that wasn't true in the 90s. In the 90s, you could say like, okay, as long as we like don't fuck up, we have a good chance of keeping our best players in state. It didn't always happen. there's a running back who played for Northwestern who's from fuck what was his name this is going to bother me it doesn't matter

but yeah I think that has changed things in such a big way where it's like no it's no it's no longer like hey here are the high school players who play in your area and it's just like no you just get fucking picked apart by the bigger dinosaurs enjoy the scraps

and then whoever you do get they might find a better opportunity and good yes yes 100% Not reflective of any other larger trans in society or the economy. Nope. Nope. I did have one haunting thought while considering teams that underperformed and are probably mismanaged in the name of stability. You know what's going to cranks out a top 10 amount of NFL talent and by draft picks and yet has only two division titles since, say, 2010 to show for it?

that'd be Penn State okay it's a hard division it is a very hard division it's a difficult spot but we're just pointing that out just going to let that a little bit of discomfort

you cannot do anything funnier than I think it was John Eubacon this week who basically who basically put basically put the Penn State coaching

seating seat in play, even though Penn State is undefeated this year. It's like, Matt Ruh, Matt Roole got fired. So James Franklin needs to watch. Ten State, which lacks the stability of Michigan and Carolina Panthers football. Sorry, I stand behind. Michigan, where our coach tried to leave six months ago. I stand behind my good friend John Bacon and this extremely solid tape. I don't care. This is, this is an emotional. This is Michigan's version of an emotional truth, which is why we had trouble recognizing it. That's all. Like, what a hell life. I would like it. I would like it. Yeah, no, it'd be good. Life would be way easier for you. What a hell life James Franklin must live in the specific regard that even when Penn State is good and successful, there are people who are like, they're going to get, fuck, he's he's, he's gone, he's dead, he's or, or, and then they see six on the other side. When they're two and four. They say James Franklin to the USC job. This rumor will hurt him in recruiting.

God damn, man. I understand y'all went rid of him. I think we fully established. Nothing will hurt James Franklin. Nothing. He's not fucking leaving. No matter how much you'd like it. Watch him leave now.

Yeah, watch him. Jay, ETS. It is 333. It is 33 on Tuesday, October 11th, just for the record. if anybody wants to start a stopwatch I love the idea of James Franklin having it you know he's like very like

I love you guys and that stuff like him having to save loves the fucking Carolina Panthers with all his soul him trying to do the little cat noise happy birthday Christian McCaffrey when I look at Sir Big Per my heart swells

huge I want to kiss him I want to kiss him up when I look at the testicleless panther out front of our, what's the name of our stadium again? Bank, Super Bankfield, Super Bank, Blue, Bank, Bank, Bank, Bank, Bank, Park Field. I want y'all to pack the bank lobby this week. Barking Cat Arena. We are going to have one of our beloved Charlotte traditions this week. We are going to do a teal out. Everybody, come on down to the belk.

So I drove from Charlotte this morning and passing through. Oh, so you heard him. You see this gigantic billboard. Spencer can exclusively confirm that James Franklin was seen in Charlotte. They're bringing Derek Anderson back to remind us of the greatness of Panthers teams once gone by. Their billboard in Charlotte is just a gigantic can of Miller light and it says go Panthers. Okay, that's amazing. How Midwestern is that?

They should be... That's almost word for word of Bill Hicks joke about the future of advertising from like 30 years ago. They just did it, yeah. If he takes the Panthers job, he should bring Jimmy Clauseen to do the Chad Powers. He should bring Jimmy Clauseen to do the Chad Powers thing that Eli did just so we can see Jimmy Cawson like airmail out of it. Yeah, yeah.

You're like, Jimmy, Jimmy Glaston is like at the Combine. Is that what, or he's at like, UDFA day? And they're like, get this, get this dork out of here. Jesus. So, hey, quick question. I know it's been there for a minute, but how do you think, who had to explain the Chad Power's thing to James Franklin? And how do you think that went?

Oh, James Franklin is online enough that, and also like online in a like four years ago way, that he's like, I saw this fake Tom Brady face recently and I think it was very effective. Oh, you think it was his idea. I think in James Franklin's mind, this is, you know who loves watching the Manning cast? 16-year-old football players. They also love Mission Impossible movies. I mean they should. What if we should combine these things?

This is the man who at a Vanderbilt practice saw that I was wearing green pants and goes, Are you Irish? I forgot about that. Well, are you? Oh, speaking of. You should have said Northern Irish and thrown a smoke bomb at it. Speaking of, we have neglected this.

The Rutgers Scarlet Knights have returned some a different kind of I word American pride. I thought you were going to say they returned some stolen relics. With the reacension of Nanzio Campanile

to the throne in Pescatio away. Pesca, meaning fish, and out of way, meaning I threw it over there. Aidaway. So we should just mention that and note that. Spencer, can we ask you some questions that the listeners submitted that we haven't let you see? Yes. First of all, what week of the season is it?

No, let's try it again. Week six. No, dude. I'm not changing my answer. Stick to your comments. Stick to your guns. I know it's week seven, but here. Yet now?

Yes. Plant your feet. Okay, wait. Plant your feet to make them come to you. New plan. New plan. How long do you think we could convince him it's a different week of the season? Pretty easily.

Don't even think about it too. Well, I'm thinking hard. It'll eventually be week six again. This question comes from Matt Brown. It's week six in the Azores. That's how that works, right? Yeah. Publisher creator of extra points, our old buddy.

Spencer, how do I get rid of butt wink when I squat? what is butt wink that's also my question but i assume it's when you squat and your butt sort of pops out the top of your shorts but it is nobody that's but that's that's just plumber's crack that's what i thought what is but but wink is when you um oh no this is something worse is when you overextend the squat past the knees and the butt kind of winks down and there's some concern about tension under weight that you are going to you know take weight or away from what you want to emphasize, which are the glutes, the quads, right? And you're going to put too much weight on your knees. Oh, that's much less interesting than what I thought

it was. So the way to eliminate butt wink is to simply do a little video check. It helps. Okay. Find a good spot, a good cue to keep you parallel. And then don't necessarily go any deeper than that because, yes, you want to achieve depth on a squat. You don't want to do partials. They don't work for most people. But seriously. Can you practice doing it over like a set of yoga blocks or something yeah yeah that's one great way to do that is to do a box squats which is to find a good sturdy box that you can keep and put under your butt like literally take it down put the weight on your butt and then get back up these are a great exercise it's my butt wink box these are a great thing because it will help you establish depth like the right depth and it will also really

help you get out of the hole if you have trouble getting out of the hole like if that's where your squat fails is coming out of the hole that is a great tool for avoiding that so there that's my That's my very serious answer to how to avoid buttwink. By the way, a little bit of butt wink, a little bit, like if you do the video check and you're seriously not doing it that much, a little bit is okay if you're not experiencing any pain. Honey, come out to the garage and see if my butt is winking. That's literally what he should do. Also, if your butt wink looks nice, you have an Instagram account.

We know several sportswriters who will be interested in that content. Just go ahead and post it. Next question. That's brought to you by yoga mommy's dot biz. at one dishwasher asks uncles or aunties i'm not going to wow so quit asking why that's the most stump he's ever been why would i do that you know i will say this politically politically and in terms of long-term benefit you really do want aunties over uncles because those uncles are just going to kill themselves in ATV wrecks right aunties they're going to be there so i was if i was forced at gunpoint

to choose aunties over uncle. At gunpoint home. Holly and Jason, if you have ones, you can throw them in here as well. Uncle's aren't going to fix you up late. Okay, this is from at Seltzer mom. Go bills.

Spencer, how do we know if we're living our finite days of consciousness on this earth right? Before the end, do we find out if we were right or wrong? God, that's a great Bill's question for right now. That is an excellent Bill's question. You won't stop worrying about it. That's it? That's it.

Stop worrying about it. Be grateful that he can. gave a short answer. Truth is in the doing. Okay. This is from at Jack the Rabbit. Spencer, what's the deal with baseball? No.

What do you mean no? No. Baseball has been giving us a lot the past couple of weeks. I get it. It's funnier as a gift than as an experience. I do think, I will say. That's why I say it's been giving us a lot. It is very funny to me that the playoffs, which are like,

this fucking money machine for every other sport where they're like let's make more of them let's put them on TV more baseball is like Tuesday at noon the perfect time or some playoffs you hate money you stupid idiots um okay this is yeah training it's a training wheel sport the sport that the sport that treats itself like it's the like frisco beach bowl everybody he wears jammies well it's like child child sport child's imagination bosses wear uniforms stupid you didn't enjoy the three run double from the other night it's best played when it's bad yeah oh yeah um baseball i will say baseball is the best sport where when something goes wrong because nobody knows what to do every like basketball if like there's a weird bounce or something breaks down like

everybody sort of knows how to react but baseball players i think are so accustomed to the rhythm of like this is what happens on a ground ball this is what happens with this and when something goes wrong it dominoes that's why you see like this error turned into three it's fucking great if you really want to consume baseball the way it was meant to be played just set some set some kind of auto twitter search for people tagging john boys in tweets that say watching some baseball yeah and there you're set uh at dan morrison 96 asks are you excited to watch watch Brian Kelly beat Florida. No.

That's mean. No. I don't want good things to happen for him. Will that mean anything to you at this point? No, not really. No, this year's just, no, I mean, it'll, it'll sting a little bit. But this year, I've pretty much written off Florida as, you know, your preschool year. And you're like, wow, you guys blocked.

Yay. So that's basically where we're at. So it'll only sting a little. Am I the only one that thinks Florida has this? I mean, that's the thing, I don't know. Okay. Who has Florida looked decisively like they have had this year? It's not so much that as I have the sample size of having watched both of these teams play my own.

Yeah, if I had to pick a winner straight up, I'll take Florida. I will say this, LSU's been so... LSU's been so bad on special teams that if it's a toss-up, I would take Florida. That's fine. That's kind of where I was going with this, actually. The LSU has been, the difference in the scores between the Tennessee Florida and the Tennessee LSU games can be chalked up in large part to mistakes made by Tennessee in the Tennessee Florida game and mistakes made by LSU in the LSU Tennessee game. and Florida was very game about capitalizing on those mistakes by Tennessee

and LSU appears willing to provide them this is absolutely all that I'm... Also, I know a lot depends on which Anthony Richardson shows up. That's not a bad theory act because that was true of the LSU-A Auburn game as well is that it's not like LSU didn't fuck up. Else you fucked up plenty. Auburn just didn't do anything about it.

Right. And every... And this was, you know, this was also, you know, at the end of a hot weather, early season rivalry game, and every time Tennessee fucked up in that second half, Florida was there to turn it into points. And LSU appears to be very, very happy to hand those opportunities to you.

So I don't, I'm not confident that LSU could win this game at all. Yeah. At side out par. Spencer delights in scoffing at sacred cows, but what are his? What is Spencer reluctant? to treat irreverently. Oh, Mike.

Who wrote that? That's too serious. This is a long-time listener. All right. Is there anything where you're like, no, don't make fun of that? You know, if I don't have an answer, I don't have an answer. So no. Like if nothing came to that, because I think there's a context for making fun of something at every point in the right context.

So, yeah. Here's the last one. But, like, I'm not going to punch. I'm not going to, like, punch down. All right. I'm going to give you two, actually, before we get off this. Okay. At Snoster, SC.

Driving across the country soon, what is a good book to read in hotels and at rest areas, et cetera? Holly. Oh, that's a Spencer question. Never mind. No, no. You have your hand up. I just realized it was a Spencer question. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Well, let's see what Spencer says, and then I want to hear. Yeah, go ahead. dude read life by Keith Richards it's really good it's really really good no go ahead and jukebox about this because you have found some amazing facts in this book it's absolutely fantastic that man shouldn't be alive

Keith Richards is amazing Keith Richards has a really I enjoyed it even more when I found out about things he had said in the book and then went and checked him against other accounts of things in the book for instance the recording of exile in Main Street he says it was a time of great personal discovery

and artistic collaboration this is not everyone else's memory of it everyone else is like Keith was high on heroin and we had to wake him up every morning and he would never show up for things and in his book he was like oh what a fantastic time they should do they should release dual every autobiography should come with an unauthorized biography done by everyone who was around you at the time and you should be able to sync them on like the other one is like an annotated version basically

uh-huh yeah you really you really should go side by side with bill wyman's role and with the stones because you couldn't find two different people yeah bass player and guitarist for that band the base player for the bass player for the rolling stones by the way quit the band to open up a fish and chip shop called sticky fingers that was his exit plan and his retirement plan was to open up a fish and chip shop yep you can't be you can't england harder than that the other suggestion is my perennial go to which is i live to tell it all by george jones and tom car that is the one where george jones tells among other stories one waking up in the middle of a river in the passenger seat of a car neck deep in water with his driver on the big rock kid Mountain in the stew river he woke up in a stew river uh two he once came to after a cocaine and drinking binge in the middle of houston in his tour bus firing a gun into the floor as his driver drove him around three he once came to from a drinking bender uh laughing and flushing hundred dollar bills down the toilet of his hotel suite those are just three of like five thousand that's the that's the book where he talks about how they couldn't how gangsters kids

He kidnapped him to pay off an insurance policy they'd taken out on him. And they tried to overdose him on cocaine, but they couldn't do it because no amount of cocaine could kill him. Does he talk about having the invisible monkey friend that he threw off the bus, the tour bus, and then welcomed back on? It was a duck. It was a duck. It was a duck. He drank to the point. Oh, I thought it was a monkey named Daffy Duck.

He drank and used Coke to the point where he had a disassociative episode that was so long lasting that he named this character. who would abuse him and tell him what a piece of shit he was, but in a Donald Duck voice. So imagine George Jones up there singing, he stopped loving her today while this thing is like, right? Okay, the last question. This is from at Senor Andy.

Does Spencer want the Nebraska job? You're shitting me. That's not a real question. It is. That's beautiful. No. Which Nebraska job. Yeah.

There's a big state. Lots of postings. I feel like he's committed to what they're building at North Texas. Is this a corn heist? Is this a classic book? No, I don't want it. Why? I'm not going to Nebraska.

Why not? What if you could remote? If I could remote it, let's talk. What is the amount of money that you would need to do, I don't know, let's say, one year at Nebraska. Everyone knows that you're just doing one, then you're not going to get your contract renewed. But you have to be there.

You have to like actually do the job. Market value. So with peer. Market value for you? No, this is the Big Ten West, which is a scam anyway. So I'm going to ask for 8 mil. And they're going to pay it because the Big Ten scam prices.

And I think most of the big, if I had to like, how did the big, my own grove of cigarette trees? Right. Eight million and a lake full of stoop. that's what I'm asking for and a big cinnamon bowl canoe

that I have a cinnamon bun canoe Nebraska franzi had a panic after this episode folks they've discovered the cinnamon roll canoes And I'm going to give a mill How did he find my sex dream? How? Bring me the head of Scott Frost

and I will do the job. 8 mil Okay Yeah Deheading Scott Frost is your sex dream? I gotta tell you You would look terrible in Nebraska gear like a Nebraska coaching gear

it would not be flattering on you at all what if their overalls like the mascot oh see all right come on and a little oh dang have we been doing this all wrong insisting that coaches dress like baseball manager's dress I'm just thinking

it could provide all these weird towel lip rating strategies could be prevented by having the coach wear mascot heads thank you for putting Josh Hyple into like buckskin A musket. Listen. It's right.

It's breathable. Gus Malzahn on a golden horse. This is also making me realize how fuck that. Mel Tucker would just have to dress the way he dresses every day. He would, yeah. Just put a breastplate over it. This is also making me realize it's really fucked up that Florida's like, you know, an alligator would wear a sweater. They would because they're cold.

Because they're cold. It makes sense. No, it doesn't. That poor thing. It's not how it works at all. That's so Florida. I went to Florida.

It's so dry to a whole about things. Looking at that animal and thinking, gosh, it looks so cold. It's Florida in a couple different ways. Because on one hand, that, but on the other hand,

it's so fucking Yankefied to put a lizard in a varsity sweater. Yeah. It really is. Like what snowboard asshole came up with that? Yeah.

Yeah. He's going to be around loud noises and wearing a sweater. All those mascots, you know, all the like sweater and sailor hat logos are super, super old. So like, yeah, there had to be a juxtaposition, you know, for many decades where, like, people in Texas and Louisiana are like, gosh, our mascot looks sweaty. We haven't invented air conditioning yet. Anyway, here's the sweater alligator. It looks disgusting.

I'm so clammy. Shut up. He's Clarence. He's trying to make weight for high school restaurants. wrestling. Can you imagine how bad that... How bad that LSU tiger smelled in its whole sweater. Sailor hat?

This is actually why they invented mascot pairs and why some schools have, like, junior mascots or lady mascots. It's not for equality. It's in case one dies on the sideline during the game. For some of purposes. Some ladies showing up in 1932 in Baton Rouge being like, I needed a sweater. Put it out of the tag.

You know that's what happened. That's all of what happened. I made it. I was. look they're like well you can't be rude to the lady why don't you put the spider on the tiger can't be rude to miss ernestine miss miss beverly knitted the tiger a sweater you're right it would be rude at no point is like how fucking insane is that lady that she did a sweater for a tiger no we reverse the entire structure of the universe so we don't have to call her nuts it's probably also like we can't let mike the 40 seconds a lot of shirtless in the present

of a lady his nipples are horrendous they'll make her flustered you understand that means it's a lady tiger i don't care in that case i can't be in the presence of a shirtless lady she should be home i can't even be in a business meeting with this lady i'm breaking the billy graham tiger rule right now