Shutdown Fullcast - Ranking the ACC by ACC Coastal-ness

Episode Date: August 7, 2020

The 2020 ACC Coastal preview has arrived as normal. Why wouldn't it? - Our 2020 preview series incorporates the B.E.L.K. method - "Moon Snakes" - "Space Sandwich" - "Nap House" - Buy the Sinful Seven, a book you'll like by five people who did a good job making it - All conference divisions are foolhardy - How ACC Coastal is Notre Dame? - Time to stress-test Homefield Apparel dot com's order-processing capability Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown to the shutdown fullcast. the internet's only college football podcast. I am Spencer Hall, late of nowhere, but this here podcast. Joining us today to discuss, among other things, the ACC Coastal, which of course was on the docket, since there have been no interruptions in business whatsoever, is Giant Cicada and also Jason Kirk. Jason Kirk. Now, who is us here? Are you us? Yes. Joining us, the Royal Wee. And the listener. Oh, I get it. Okay. Okay. Yeah, we and the two of us, the hosts of the shutdown

fullcast, are joined by two guests. Big. Holly Anderson and Ryan Nanny, who some of you might recognize from their work covering college football every day so far this year. Can can say hello guests how are we doing today do you think the moon is made out of a giant ball of snakes do you think the moon is actually a giant ball of snakes is what i'm saying how many snakes i don't know i mean that's a great question because like snakes come in different sizes and if it's all like anacondas you don't need as many as if it's just like garter snakes or whatever but we haven't we haven't walked on the moon since December 1972 and do you think

that's because the moon is actually snakes and we like astronauts just refuse to go back Anaconda moon would be an amazing cologne. Moonaconda Oh okay so how do you know how do you know that this

we you speak of hasn't walked on the moon since then that man has that people haven't walked on them I mean it hasn't been documented there we go yeah oh because it's not on Instagram. So wait, you're saying we have been to the moon. We just haven't talked about it. But wouldn't that- Yeah, because it's pretty boring. Why would we talk about it? There's nothing there, you know? Not if it's made of snakes. It's not boring. It's horrifying. I thought we decided that the

moon was tigers. When did we decide that? Moon tigers. That's why they brought guns to the moon. No, that's not the same thing as the moon is made of tigers. No, but like, where are the snakes in the the tigers interacting i'm saying that the moon is not a planet the moon is not like a satellite it's not oh it's like a giant ball it's a giant ball of snakes i mean if they're that big you wouldn't even know that you're standing on a snake though right no i'm not saying it's one snake i'm saying it's like to holly's earlier point like i don't know 700 000 snakes twisted in one big ball orbiting the earth perversely affecting the tides like would people go in the ocean at all if you were like oh yeah low tide uh and high tide that's because of the giant ball of snakes

no no people get metal beach they'd get so you they get so used to that's sucks but if you tell me that going in the ocean is the result of space snakes fuck yes i'm in yeah people people for like a day would be horrified and then like every other horrifying thing in life they would just ignore it for instance people the ocean's filled with carnivorous fish capable of swallowing a man whole sure sure what do people want to do on vacation let's go to the beach don't don't ever do that voice again i don't know what voice that was let's go to the that was that was franklin that's franklin coming out of his pores it is y'all don't know beach voice isn't the beach fun it's so good it's sand and cancer let's go oh that's salt laugh shall be

get eaten by fish people just sleep right through that so in the middle of march 1965 the Soviets had launched their own two-person mission I believe it was Voskod 2 and the U.S. was panicking right because they hadn't had a mission yet to carry two astronauts into space and it was going to be John Young and Gus Grissom and the thing that I forgot to mention on the last episode which just recorded a short while again is that John Young smuggled a corned beef sandwich into space.

He put the sandwich in his pocket right before launch. You can read about it on the transcript. They complain about the quality of the sandwich. Grissom announced that he would stick the sandwich back in his

pocket because it was starting to break up. And you can see a corned beef sandwich, though not the cornedbee sandwich embedded in acrylic preserved at the Gus Grissom Memorial Museum in Mitchell, Indiana. So did he, did he eat any of this sandwich in space? There was there were nibbles off the sandwich. Grissom did taste the sandwich and Young tasted the sandwich and Young said the sandwich was a thought, not a very good one. You can read more about this at space.com. Let me tell you my favorite part of that

description which is that the sandwich began to break up because astronauts and engineers always thinking in engineering terms is my favorite part of this yes it's lost the sandwich is losing structural integrity aboard but the reason i was coming back is where did the sandwich come wolfie's restaurant and sandwich shop and cocoa beach attached to the ramada inn oh god why would you why would you go to a cocoa beach remotta in and say you know what corn beef that's what i bet you do You forget the kind of people that they were asking to become astronauts. Yeah, that's right. On the list of...

With the exception of our patron saint, Michael Collins. So if you were going to represent American culture on the moon, do you have something more authentically representative than that exact sandwich from that? So I'm letting Dave up... I'm letting Dave Wanstead pick my sandwich order for the moon. Can I just go back to this? On the list of risk management factors? Yeah.

Getting on top of a rocket, which is made of exploding fuel that just happens to blow up in the right direction in space travel and then traveling in a vacuum where you'll be boiled alive if you come out of your little tin can and special suit, a corned beef sandwich isn't anything compared to that. I'm going to go ahead. I'll get, you know what, I would go ahead and get a seafood salad sandwich from a gas station because why not? okay but if you're going to bother to smuggle a sandwich into space so that you can say I ate a sandwich in space make it a good one

yeah why would you why would you like imagine how disdressing why do you want food poisoning in space look at me I'm the first person to eat a sandwich in space p.S it wasn't very good have we considered that have we considered that maybe John Young

has no taste in sandwiches what about this it's a trap for the aliens you mean the snakes if someone takes if someone takes a rotten chicken salad sandwich up there to the moon and they feed it to the snakes and the snakes are like oh look at this

this delicacy it would be very rude of us to not eat this earth cuisine and then they do and then the entire moon crumbles and we see the snakes their dead bodies falling down to the earth and they crash to the ocean and they're like on fire in the fucking atmosphere man that was a well-delivered sandwich and that Ramada will become like a shrine for finally defeating the moon snakes defeating the moon snakes but they're saying that not only is the

moon a bait ball of snakes but they're snakes that abide by a coat of manners well i mean yeah why would they be rude yeah okay yeah i was just asking questions they let they let people walk around on their heads for a while and our earth signals have have been to them so they've seen down abbey and they know how you're supposed to act. Yeah, they've heard all our songs for the last like 70 years and they haven't complained about him at all. Like every now and then they look away from us, which I get it.

Snakes, we're sorry about Dave Matthews. Yeah, this tracks with War of the Worlds because the thing that killed the aliens was exposure to microbes from the Earth. So this is really just pushing it a step further and saying that we stopped the aliens by making the meet Subway. Yep. This podcast

sponsored by Subway. It's not true. We also know that it would be true. Every last one of those snakes is a $5 foot long. Wow. Subway's motto should just be eat. Subway, eat. We've been through this with Little Caesars before.

What is it hot and ready? We never said it was food. Is Subway like sober Little Caesars? Ugh. Yeah. No, it is. I mean, Little Caesars at least has its virtue. you have the tone of despair in your voice of a man who's been to sonic twice already today

i like the little season honest because its mascot is a man who is probably most famous for being killed by people he trusted which what better what better summary of the little caesar's heating experience than at two brute i feel like subway is uh that's that's that's warm and ready right yeah to those of you to the one nerd who's going to email me and be like you didn't say brute no i mean brute brute oh we'll get we can we can have a latin fight that can thank you wikipedia man in advance brute caesar backup left tackle for peru 1984 to 1987 owns a subway now several of them i know i'd also like that if uh If you ask your cousin, Leroy, how many subways he ate?

He'll say, it too. God, damn it. This is where I'd like to confess something. There are show notes for this show, and I have not opened them, and I will not open them. Don't need to. I'm trying something different going forward. I'm going to be the Spencer. I love this.

No, we already got one of those. You've earned it, buddy. I'm going to be the Spencer. I don't know what the show notes say. I don't know what we're talking about. And if that means we're just going to talk about the moon being a ball of snakes and poisoning them with subway to free humanity, that's fine with me. So we're going to go. Ryan, you shouldn't have to look at the show notes because you're not the host.

That's true. The snakes have been ambivalent to us this whole time. So it's not really about poisoning them. It's just about putting on an incredible fireworks. But they're always watching. They're always watching. Man, we need somebody watching us. We cannot be left to our own devices.

Look at how far we've gotten without the snakes. It hasn't gone well. So, wait, why aren't the snakes intervening then? No arms. Well, isn't this the... It's still the opposable thumb thing, man. If I could just send a message... Oh, damn it!

I've just got these touch phones. Carl, would you stop biting me? The moon is nothing but, like, screaming snakes. Like, they can't touch any buttons or anything. They can't build any technology. They're just screaming. Oh, that can't podcast. What a pleasant thought.

The dream. They're just yelling into that iPhone left on the moon by Buzz Aldrin when he visited it three years ago. The first iPhone. The first iPhone. They're just yelling into it going, call God! Call God! They're just in a pile screaming into each other's butts. Yeah.

Yeah, that is, by the way, what Buzz Aldrin. That is what Buzz Aldrin yells into phones all the time. Call God, please. Call God. Speaking of updates. Challenge God to Whist. Wait, who is speaking of updates? Spencer, was that segue?

What the hell? It was. I'm just going to go. We're going. No, we can't move on until you do a better segue. Spencer, what is the most random word you could put here and justify it with speaking of? moon snakes that's pretty random sure any farthing yep um we do have important updates in our world after this lengthy discussion of the angry this is what other podcasts call housekeeping reptiles of

the moon are you not going to sing podcast business we could i think of you know it didn't feel good to sing it wasn't it i'm going to give you a little progressive intro okay What's that business? Podcast business. We've got business for the podcast. The mood's made of snakes. Yeah. That's good.

Thank you. That's all right. Suck that moon snake's dick. How can you tell which part of a snake is the dick? Yeah, there's only one way to find out, I guess. Holly. You asked. What?

You have an important update. No, I don't. Yeah, you do? what there's been an achievement in your family no this is like watching beach volleyball where only one player knows that a game is happening this is what happens when we don't record in the same room and the other one is like i'm trying to read stop and in the important volleyball i think i think you're going out of order epic i am but an important epic achievement but the only thing we could mention that could possibly have happened.

Are you telling me Spencer just tore up the show notes that he wrote? I am close to jumping head first off this balcony. I am on. Definitely on. Do you promise? What balcony? Swear. Spencer, I have terrible news.

Yeah, this is a ground floor office. You're the me now. It concerns a real estate purchase. He's Mr. Mom. oh no it just got dark in there is she gonna is she gonna tell the story or is she not gonna tell the story i don't think she will i thought spencer was gonna tell the story he's the one who put it in the show your dad did something astonishing he did yeah that happens yeah because every time i think i've leveled up in dadness i realize that i've just what i thought was the mountain top is just another hillock on the way to the rest of the the mountain with the peak far above me i am not a father so i'm going to put this to the three of you who are i told spencer a story about my father which i didn't think was that remarkable and he has now said it as his life's k2 as like his ultimate goal so tell me what you think my parents are in the

process of moving to their uh if i say forever home that makes them sound like rescue puppies but they they have purchased a a home to live in throughout their retirement you know, no stairs, room in the bathroom for wheelchairs and whatnot. They would like to live at this home until they are dead. They have not yet sold my childhood home where they have lived for 37 years and are kind of in the process of shuffling their stuff from the old house to the new house, but they still live in the old house, which is why my father. in the middle of helpfully volunteering to take loads and loads of stuff over to the new house.

This is already a boring story. I'm boring myself. But anyway, my dad smuggled an air mattress and bedding materials into the new house and has been spending like blocks of hours at a time, six, eight hours at the new house, just napping in the middle of an empty room. nap house nap house so so he drives he drives to this mostly empty house oh i should add that my

sorry i forgot the inciting factor my brother and his family have just moved back to my hometown and they are also in the process of moving to a new house but until then my brother is working from home my sister-in-law is at home and my seven-year-old and 18-month-old nieces are also under his roof. So what does the man do?

How does you fix this problem? Nap house. An entire house just devoted to the nap. In case it wasn't apparent that I believe this was the plan all along, the air mattress is the selling factor here. Oh, the air mattress was absolutely intentional. Like he smuggled that. he's got and what what else is at the house nothing like nothing right there's there's boxes

there's boxes in the garage and my dad on an air mattress in the floor of what will be uh his new office in the house just can i ask some follow-up questions yes go ahead does the air mattress have betting on it yes he brought sheets and pillows and a blanket okay he brought a blanket okay Do you bring the good pillow? Do you bring like the special pillow? My dad doesn't have special pillow needs. Okay. He's an outside dog.

What room in the house is the air mattress placed in? The air mattress is in a room that is slated to become my father's study. Okay. What's the window situation there? I'm glad you asked because the reason he selected this for his study is because the study is primarily for naps. currently his office at the house is occupied by the crib of my 18 year 18 month old niece so he had to find a new study but the study is specifically chosen for being the dimest room okay um does he bring any sort of like noise machine or anything else

earplugs that's it he's a simple man okay still bring in your own earplugs that's oh yeah yeah because what you were just what you were described driving to me is the plot of like a Langolier's style short story where your dad goes to nap house by himself oh no wakes up from his six hour midday nap and everything is gone all all humans have been have left the earth do you know what my father would do now in this situation no he would hook up his boat and drive to the lake he's he Yeah, you think you've thrown a curveball here, Ryan? Yeah.

No, no, I realize that this short story doesn't go anywhere because it's not a scenario where he's, like, fretting over what happened. He's just like, great, no traffic. I'm glad that you brought up the Langalears because the thing that sprang to mine first when he told me this. Also, he didn't tell me this story like it was some master plot. This all unfolded over the course of a phone call where I FaceTimed him because I've been FaceTiming my parents at random hours throughout the day to make sure that. They are not at Home Depot without masks. And he appeared to be in bed. And I said, where are you?

And he said, I'm at the house. I said, what house? And it unfolds from there. But the piece of literature of pop culture that sprang to my mind when I heard this story was time enough at last. Sure. And I'm just picturing like one earplug falling through an air vent. I was going to say the air mattress springs a leak.

The Air mattress springs a leak, and he goes, that's not fair. That's not fair. Now, there is going to be a sad ending to this story because... Oh, yeah, my mom's going to have to move into the house. Well, that's what I was going to say, is that Nap House won't last forever. That makes it more beautiful, don't you think? I don't know. Like, how much more can we lose in these uncertain times?

I want a collection of dads who pool and then eventually begin fighting over Nap House. They get custody. They can't afford a whole nap house. Oh, Adam Sandler's getting old. This is a screenplay you can sell. That's a divorcee hotel. No, no. No.

This will, I mean, ultimately, that could be what it could become in your script. In my script, what it becomes is a bunch of men who realize that the only thing they want in life isn't actually something ambitious. It's a place to lay on an air mattress for 45 minutes a day. And then we start an unlicensed business. and solve crimes and well i i feel like spencer what you've described i feel like that's a jail just a really nice jail that you can leave people napping together or or like a ymc oh you know what it is it's a hurricane shelter that's or that's what it is yeah if you've met my niece it's not inaccurate so spencer's doing great because his dream is to one day have access to a hurricane shelter

y'all are dads what do you think of the nap house i thought this was kind of funny and spencer has not shut up about it ever since i think it's amazing i'm just worried i am worried for how it's going to end like it's going to turn and he's going to have to say goodbye oh no no no no no it's going to happen everybody's going to move into the new house where's he going to go back to the old house but that can't last forever either no no it can't but he might be dead by then so i feel like there are more varietals of dad um like oh shit nap dad i didn't just speak that into existence napdad is a very popular type of dad we all know and love there's also the pre granddad who's like huh it's nine a m you're not up yet you've wasted half the day i've been up for five hours yeah and like i i've been

always been horrible at napping so like a building where you do nothing but nap that is awesome for the nap dad i would lose my mind in nap house That may also be the barricade between me and understanding this as well, because I, too, cannot nap. Jason, what are you doing? You have access to a residential property that has no furniture in it, and you cannot bring more than, like, a few small, like, the size of an air mattress, something that. What are you doing in your nap house? Brother, I am posting. I am getting on landing.

Shit post house. That is posting house. I'm making a blog boiler room. more posts more posts awesome nothing to distract me from posting Alex Kershner just sitting in the corner with his laptop on the floor going this is fine God I don't need anything Hey speaking of Alex Kersner what's he been up to Oh hey Jason little that's a fucking segue

That's a great segue Jason take take that and ride with it if you will what we've been up to So Spencer and I wrote a book alongside three very other talent three other very talented gentlemen i shouldn't even say the other there spencer and i have three talented friends is probably the way to put it right spencer uh i would call it in the context of this project partners sinful seven dot com is uh it's a book it's kind of about college football it's kind of a western it's kind of a bunch of weird shit uh it's it's the very true story of the nc a as told through fiction and non-fifference at the same time, along with Alex Kershner, Richard Johnson, Tyson Whiting, who I would

confidently say provided the best moments of the book. Alex's fiction is probably our best, our most favorite burst of writing in the whole thing. Richard wrote the best moment. Richard wrote probably the best thing he's ever written his story of Jack Trice. Alex wrote sort of the, kind of the whole excuse we could call this a college football book because Otherwise, it'd be like, you know, a Western with like some college football references. Alex provided the bridge between college football and the Western world. And they, the three of them did so much work that doesn't even show up on the page. So many good edits on every chapter.

Tyson's art is awesome, and he was also our first reader of the whole thing. So, yeah, we very much want everyone to check it out, and we very much want everyone to appreciate and enjoy all. all the work that the three young fellows put into it because it is some of the best work in the whole thing um how many how many pages how many pages are you talking uh it's difficult to say it's it's roughly the equivalent of 260 if you printed it all out in book form which people have done um will have broken into their offices like sam fisher to print the thing out um in an ebook it's going to depend on your form by the way Tyson learned ebooking which is apparently crazy difficult

like the four of us were all just like, oh, let's make a PDF. And Tyson is like, no, no, no. I'm going to learn to become an actual professional book publisher. So, yeah, depending on your format, it might be as many as 600-something pages. I mean, we didn't have anywhere else to post. Tyson might be the only person that this audience is unfamiliar with, and he is your god now. In the space between the last full cast episode and this full cast episode,

which is a very short amount of time, especially in the cosmic sense, Tyson is the one you want to become a super fan of. Tyson's dope as shit. And, you know, anyone who buys this book, you are obligated to specifically enjoy and pay attention to the work of Alex, Richard, and Tyson because it is some of the shit we are the most proud of. Yeah, they were outstanding in every single way.

Also, to be clear, we're awesome. Like, Jason did amazing work. I did amazing work. We're really good at this. but our shit's good too i guess but yeah yeah no we're incredible don't don't sell us short we're awesome this is my new approach humility is dead yeah man humility is a fucking scam complete scam that is a thing i've learned over the last one two three four years to the two of you i just got to say well guess what man birds aren't fucking humble either all

they do is fly around all day talking about how great they are yeah insects too and listen to them Listen to him in the background with Jason there right now. You know what they're saying? Let's bring it, fellas. Come on. Yeah. They're shouting themselves out all day long. So we might as well do the same. That's sinful7.com for the low, low price, 1852 for 260 pages.

Content. Fantastic, like, Pulp Western, a bear mythology, which I think we could form a really successful blood cult around, by the way, Jason. Business note. Also, so you're getting a whole story, you're getting Spencer. telling a crazy Western that is super fun, that is written by an actual fan of Westerns. Like Spencer was teaching us about how Westerns work. That was awesome. Spencer wrote songs that someday we will probably actually record. A cup that set them to music. And then you're also getting a whole other story that is me, Alex, and Richard, and people are

starting to notice how the entire book sort of flows together. The one thing I will say is follow the bear because the bear is in almost every chapter yes so that that's what we've been up to along with our fellow moon crew members and ex-sb nation and banner society can i can i tell you all something very funny that just happened while we were recording this please the coach's poll came out adding adding a point to the agenda uh where is uh where is uh where is Texas right I'm sorry, Ryan, we're talking about college football. I apologize for... Y'all, I got a question before we get into the ACC preview

because there's something that's been on my heart. And I got to just bring it up and lay it at the foot of the cross. How's Texas going to go nine and three this year? Laboriously. They're going to win nine games. All right, let's do this cold. spencer jason each of you get we'll do this we'll do this prices now we won't do a price right still that doesn't make sense each of you give me your prediction for where you think

texas is in the top 25 and i will tell you they are in the coaches in the coaches poll in the in the coach's poll that just dropped it is Thursday august 6th at 12 11 p.m. eastern Texas is and and here's so holly has 17 okay Spencer Spencer says 12 I mean let's go 15th and and to be clear

I think 15th is fair okay in the actual 17th spot USC Southern California Wow in the actual in the actual 12 spot

Wisconsin sure in the actual 15 spot Michigan Wow. Now, now. Excuse me. Holly, is that reaction because, like, in year 13 or whatever,

if Jim Harbaal, they should probably be clacking in better than that? Is that reaction? No, I believe a Wolverine just walked over my grave is the person saying. So I've told you Wisconsin is 12. Michigan is 15. I will tell you that Texas is 14. Now, new phase of the game. Who's 13?

Oh, the funniest possible answer would be Texas A&M. Yeah, yeah. Spencer and Jason have hit it in one. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Why are we talking about that? They're not rivals. Why does that matter? How curious.

Look at East East School snuggling up against one another in the coach's pole, just tangling their feet together under the covers. I think that just says what quality football, the state of Texas can put out. that we can have two teams there so cozy and tight and competitive mac brown mac brown is on this on this top 25 as well uh what's the most mac brown ranking i'm going to go ahead and put mac brown at 18 you're close 19 23 i didn't know we were playing the game there 23 23 holly is iowa um all right last thing you even you have two possible answers here because there's a tie who is leading in others receiving votes please tell me it's not tennessee

so wait is your guess not tennessee or tennessee my guess is tennessee but to be clear i object okay so holly's guess is tennessee spencer oh i'm gonna guess um my guess is tennessee but i'm mad about it okay the most insulting answer would be a mid-major who deserves votes but uh doesn't get the respect of getting the 25 slot, which means nothing. Like, you could have just put them in the 25 slot. Nobody remembers that. So I'll tell you who's in the 25 slot if that helps. It's Iowa State.

Of course. Okay, then it's definitely Boise State. Okay. But he's down for Memphis. Holly and Spencer both got it. Tennessee and Boise State are tied for 26. Memphis. Stop!

Stop! Stop doing this! Stop ranking them! Stop it! They're not ranking them, technically! Oh! Memphis is three spots below them, Jason, in between Kentucky and Baylor in the not receiving votes category.

The top of the poll is very boring. There's nothing that you should... I hate this so much. No, no, this is fine. Keep them there. Keep them right there. Like, that's... They will, because nobody's gonna play any game, so.

No, that's a great point. Here's the last thing I have to say about this poll. Pitt received one vote. That's right. In the coach's poll. That's right. Pitt is in the record books with along with Indiana and Duke and Kansas State, the one-pointers. Where is fellow ACC coastal team, Notre Dame?

Notre Dame is 10th in between Oregon and Auburn. Hey, speaking of which. Yeah, new ACC member, Notre Dame. Auburn. An hour and 15 minutes after we started recording, how about our full cast ACC Coastal preview? That's right. That's right.

The ACC Coastal, obviously, the most mysterious and elusive of all divisions in college football due to its perpetual five and seven and five-ness. If you want the yin and yang, if you want the light and dark, If you want to understand the Dow of college football, I'm afraid you have no choice but become familiar with the ACC Coastal. Will you ever remember its members? No, which is kind of why we decided to preview it by going ahead and saying that all ACC teams, in fact, belong to the ACC coastal. Well, they kind of do this year. They kind of do. Like this year, you throw in Notre Dame, divisions are out the fucking window, which great.

They suck anyway. So, yeah, like, now that essentially everyone is ACC Coastal, everyone is a gray Jedi in the ACC Coastal, what we have done is I have come up with a statistical formula, here on this podcast, Marriage and Numbers of Words. I am the inventor and proprietor of the ACC Coastalness 500 algorithm, and Spencer has made a movie. I have.

can't find it. It's out there. It's on Go 90, which no one has. And much like this show, we refuse to show our work. God, like Godfrey didn't even do anything to us. Just, that's fine. Today. Yeah, that's fair. Hey, you know, every school really might be the ACC Coastal, because I just got another bit of breaking news. The NOAA's revised hurricane forecast predicts another 10 to 15 named storms in a season that has already set records. We might all be ACC Coastal by the end of this. Yeah. If the number of storm, Jason, here's one for a vacation Bible podcast.

If the number of storms exceeds 21, it would force forecasters to resort to using the Greek alphabet, which has only happened once before. Thank you, Washington Post. Okay. Yeah, we'll go Aramaic on him. Yeah, let's do it. No, they should really, like the third option should be dip set members. Dipset hurricane season.

This is Hurricane Cameron. It's Hurricane Jules. Tropical Storm Jim Jones. Boy! This hurricane got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini. No contest. Take that hurricane, Camille. Hurricane Cameron put that on you.

So what is the formula? I will reveal it at the end. What you need to know right now is that we are going from least ACC Coastal to most ACC Coastal. Be not fooled. This is not a backward. measurement of your team quality it will sound like that it's their coastalness you're looking for coastalness yeah we will start with the least ac c coastal program of all florida state yeah which we have a quantitative and qualitative qualitative side of this uh being bad at math

i've decided to do the qualitative uh florida state i think that one in terms of coastalness there are far too many smokers who do not own quarter zips in the fan base and they're far too good at football generally they're a little too deep southern for the good of ac c coastalness it we know waters down and weakens that sort of if i'm putting acce coastal i'm kind of like ah somewhere between belk and jim nance like belk is a pretty strong like guiding star for ac c coastalness in my eyes there's you know it's not necessarily one uniform thing but if i had to point you in a direction you know it's belkness isn't quite as strong as some of the others so florida state definitely last here in terms of overall acce

coastalness qualitatively belkin jim nance sounds very upper middle class which is not florida state i think it sounds yeah i think it sounds erotic yeah also just try and stand between belk and jimnance you'll get stampeded brother between the pleats oh my god belk in the street no something in the to plead some god damn it i had it uh i feel like florist state we'll get you back again their acc their acc golf i beg your pardon also i feel like so this metric b-el-k that could be a useful acronym basketball is probably that's the b right yeah yeah and then you know basketball excellence larping lacking khakis khakis oh yeah's for khakis cool great lacrosse lacrosse lacrosse

lacrosse. Oh, yeah. Because Florida basketball equestrianism, lacrosse khakis. Yeah. So Florida State has the equestrianism.

They have the basketball, but they don't have the lacrosse or the khakis at all. See, Florida has probably an equivalent amount of equestrianism, but it's such a different equestrianism from,

say, that you'd find in some of the schools in the Virginia and North Carolina areas. Yeah. It's all manatees. Well, they have... Yeah, they're all riding...

Florida State, they're right. around on horses and spearing manatees. Would it be more or less problematic if the Florida state mascot rode onto the field on a manatee? Oh, no, no. To be clear, I'm not talking about, I

am not talking about members of the Seminole tribes spearing manatees. To be clear, I'm talking about Florida State students, like, stealing guns from a laser tag arena and trying to shoot manatees with them. I just want to see a manatee name Renegade. Like, what are you

rebelling against? I just want to see somebody try and club a manatee to death with the butt end of a kuzar gun then you should enroll at the university of miami are there are there any ski resorts that start with eldoro you know that's i think that's probably where i would go with this because that that feels like that feels like an important element mind you these are mostly aspirational and the only kind of skiing a lot of florida state people do is of the barefoot water kind so which i'm not going to i'm not discus that it's very hard to do 16th on the ACC coastal rankings what that's a weird number 16th settle down I'm the numbers expert here we'll get to it Notre Dame the new kids second least

ACC coastal member of all yeah and this is an entirely different kind of regional counter poisoning that we have Notre Dame got some strong resume points in terms of being potentially acc coastal right like high percentage of people who are like yeah I think I'm going to go work on wall street after i graduate uh owners of many quarter zips unfortunately the midwestern poisoning far too strong overall any school from indiana by default cannot be part of the acc because remember indiana defaults to midwest and then the second option isn't even coastal acc mid-atlantic new england or florida no remember your second default is what southern indiana is which is southern and that that that that really really messes with a deep southern so

because if you don't know Southern Indiana is basically like it's not even Kentucky it just skips over it's part of Georgia No it is it is Kentucky It's not deep south Well we're going Kentucky That's still way off

Way off any potential ACC coastal compatibility So Notre Dame You're poison there Third least ACC coastal program Virginia Tech Yeah to Appalachian

To Appalachian okay but by far I'm proud I'm sure they would tell you I'm just surprised because they're seven and five a shit these days

I mean that would work however I will say this hunting gear way way too much hunting gear also actual math skills actual math skills kind of drive you out of being ACCC coastal

I think like it's fair to say that a lot of Virginia Tech fans wear camo bathing suits to the beach right Sure. And they're smart enough to go blue camo, to go actual aquatic camo. Because they have multiple kits.

Like a Virginia Tech fan, you're leaving the house. It's not a wardrobe, brother. That's a loadout. They're still preparing to shoot a deer in the ocean. But they will be camouflaged. A Virginia Tech fan playing lacrosse, they're just going to use that shit to catch flying squirrels. You know, we said we weren't that coastal, but I wouldn't put it past them to have bugout tunnels dug. to the sea late yeah you never that's the thing though like when you think about when virginia tech

people think about the coast they're thinking yeah man me and bud foster out there wakeboard or flooded or flooded quarry would also work flooded quarry they even do the wrong kind of skiing because i have seen virginia tech skiers in the wild but they're all in jeans jeans yep yeah i'm not even making that up i've never told a joke if you see someone wearing a virginia tech jacket or something on the slopes i guarantee you they're skiing in jeans and again to clarify which i think is sick that's awesome i think if you ski in jeans you are representing the best of what we are as a nation and i encourage you to do it i'm trying to imagine like virginia tech's greatest skier making it to the winter olympics and being like the jeans stay on i feel like uh something to do with

water skiing in jeans might be our first our next shirt how about that we can't give alan jackson to the ac c coastal that's these are these are my water skiing jeans uh the fourth least acc coastal program this one will probably be an even bigger surprise wake forest wow now i will tell i will tell you i do have to show your work for that one we will we will yeah because the work is very strong here i will say this it has this is an upset on several different different levels because one wake force already sounds like a gated community yeah just the name yeah also multiple players named tanner and riley they really should be up here but there's one thing that we'll divulge later that puts them this low on the list and i will tell you

It is a shocker even by ACC Coastal standards. Okay. So you're going to make us wait? Yeah. That's right. Okay. That's fine. Keep going.

Fifth least ACC coastal program. This one will not be a surprise recently, at least. Clemson. Wait for it. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Clemson is, um, Clemson's far too good at football.

Their coach is named Davo. Uh, they do suffer some SEC poisoning, which will enrage any Clemson fans listening to this, but sorry sad but true it's in the DNA next one rung higher on the ac c coastal ladder syracuse yeah yeah like they're very basketball yes this is this is true um they're not particularly successful at basketball really that much above mediocre you're you're definitely going to get some emails about that one oh wow this means syracuse is very very ACC. Yeah, but not coastal.

But not coastal. Spencer, do you want to tell folks how they can reach you? Yeah, they can reach me, 38 Godfrey at banner society.com. Is that our Godfrey? No, it's not even right. That's even better. That's even better. Why are you clarifying this?

What's your email address? Keep the crime quiet. So bad at crime, right? You would be the worst person at keeping the crime quiet, second only to Alex. to Alex I don't talk I just burn things down and I lose the paperwork and that's why I'm good at certain crimes let me ask this what could Syracuse do to be more coastal than they are now lay out for one thing they could be in the coastal yes they could go outside sometimes yeah sure they could perform better in the metric that we are building toward that would be a key factor

they could they could produce fewer journalists I feel like you you want schools in Coastal that produce people who make money and that's definitely not journalists right so i would say that syracuse definitely is too proud of their journalism program to really flex on anybody uh with the ac c coastal's cultural aspirations of wealth lacrosse adjacent brands and yes the ski vacations because yeah you got a lot of snow i don't think you can go downhill on a lot of it syracuse also i feel like i got a big one here they don't have air conditioning yeah i thought that fixing that for some reason i don't maybe they did maybe they didn't that to me syracuse football was supposed to be fixing a lot of things yeah yeah we've been hearing that for a several decades

all right if you google carrier dome air conditioning you get this from march carrier dome air conditioning could be installed by 2021 okay we'll take it i'm gonna i'm gonna go ahead and predict that whatever was planned in march 2020 probably won't be happening i mean the dome's gonna be empty for a good portion of that time. Yeah, that's fair. Well, nothing unusual. Next up is Duke. I think we're near the midpoint.

Hell yes, Duke football. The most middling ACC program of the most middling ACC metric. I would say being better at football is actually hurt Duke's coastalness, ACC coastalness recently. You know, they do have a very strong resume in terms of the trinity of you know spring break ski vacations quarter zips and internships in

in fidei right so i think that's that's super strong i don't think they're quite as strong as everyone else culturally just by virtue of being small and openly despised you have to be despised by connoisseurs not by the randos and amateurs i think that's something that you'll see with the top of this list the top tier teams. Those who hate them, they're not really abundant in terms of number, but in terms of virulence and in terms of dedication to hating them. Yeah, everyone who hates Duke is amateurs, the rest of the people in this list. If you hate them, it's for a reason and it's extremely specific. So I haven't seen how you formulated this, but is some of this, like is part of why Duke is here because they think of themselves as different. And to really be ACC Coastal, you must

acknowledge that all is same, and these distinctions are just, like, laundry and labels? I think you're pretty close to it, right? Okay. Yeah, yeah. My numbers were off. That's fine. I'm the numbers expert here. We are now entering the top 10 most ACC coastal programs. Next up, we have the reigning champ of the ACC coastal, Virginia. Huh. I actually would have thought they'd be much higher on this list, so because, because everything you're saying feels like aggressively coastal. So I'm curious how they're not at least top five. Well, I think one of the reasons is that they have consistently been too good at football. I think we've all said about Virginia over the past five plus years. They have tried. I think I have a theory here. It is

that they are too ACC Coastal. They are trying too hard, right? Like in the ACC Coastal, If you're, if, you know, Virginia is walking around with a shirt that says, I am the most ACC Coastal program. No, you're trying way too hard, pal. This is the difference between being rich and acting rich. Yes. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

I think that's fair. There also have, unfortunately, some very coordinated cheers, which definitely, like, definitely runs counter to the ACC Coastal's ethos of a waiting room until basketball starts. Yeah, we don't really like all that organization here in the ACC coaster. Next up, number nine, the Miami Hurricanes, who, they were put in the ACC coastal to keep them in Florida State from always winning the same division. Miami has demonstrated extreme ACC coastalness by not abiding with that anyway. Came into the ACC Coastal a stranger and now family. Can we break off for a second? Is there a point at which any, can anybody name a stranger?

situation where any of these division clogging fears have actually come to pass like where where it's been like a good thing that they split them or no remember when i was just thinking about remember when the cc divisions came up and it was like well what if tennessee and alabama had to play twice a year and tennessee's like not a problem yeah wasn't this also a thing with nebraska at first when they put them in the big ten where they're like that that's what i'm saying can we think of a situation where these division fears have actually come to pass where else would they have put nebraska Oh, in the legend, in the leaders and the legends? Yeah, I think the thought process was at the time they were not in Ohio states.

They were not in Ohio state side, and they were like, well, we can't put them there because the two, you know, whatever. Florida State and Cleveland definitely haven't been a problem. Ohio State, Ohio State Michigan was the reason for leaders' legends, wasn't it? Weren't they indifferent? No, absolutely, no one remembers which was which. But like Nebraska's entry was the thing that killed it, you're saying, Ryan? I think, I don't remember.

I think one of the considerations for where they put Nebraska in the same way. Like, obviously, there's not a, like, direct rivalry that they had to sort of, like, keep split. But it was, like, we must maintain balance. It feels like whenever you try to maintain balance in your divisions, you just fuck it up. No, but what I was saying is it feels like whenever there's been this hollering about these two division foes, it's going to be unfair to one of them. Like, Florida State and Clemson, definitely can't think of a time when one of them, screwed up another one's

season. Look, football was both a long time ago and a long time in the future. That's what I'm saying. So there are no lies right now. Yeah, it doesn't, it doesn't, yeah, it doesn't happen. You're right. Conferences are stupid. Yeah. And divisions are just stupid or conferences. Yeah, yeah. The divisions are incredibly stupid because

you're based, just based the shit on geography. ACC, the ACC has always been the worst offender here. Just base the shit on geography and keep it right. What if we based it on geography? Oh, you got Sica in your soil. How many rare earth do you have? This would be like the Virginia Tech Old Earth a division, right?

Yeah. And then like Miami as the earth that is about to be reclaimed by the Earth division. The jiggly Earth division. For all the Florida schools, we would just have a geology 404. Yeah, that would also require conference officials and the people who run college football to know anything about geology, which that's a quiz I'd like to hand out.

School of Mines, baby. Number eight, most ACC coastal Georgia Tech. Hmm, okay. Yeah, which, you know, in order to justify this outside of the math, I was like, well, they do have a pro golfer and Matt Coocher, and he's also a terrible tipper, which is definitely

seriously ACC Coastal. Is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The ACC Coastal is super generous. Like, no, you go ahead. You win the division. no we we gave to an official like but that's you're talking jason you're talking about internal generosity like that's why they have that matt's coocher being like generosity left for caddies yeah that's like you can use my beach house no problem but tipping that's like playing a g5

school i'm sorry sir you're not in the acc coastal i'm sorry sir i don't sign social contracts like tipping i sign official contracts because i do business number seven most ACC Coastal University is the greatest university in the world. Pitt. The Pitt Panthers. Yeah, which I will say this. They have a lot of things that aren't super ACC coastal, like the numbers back this up. But like, Pitt's the, they're a gritty private school?

Is that true? Is Pitt a private school? I think they are now as of like, very, very recently, like today. today we just made them one are they owned by the pittsburgh stealers is that the arrangement smith that that would be i'm sorry they're technically state related what a state related what a nonsense private school pit hasn't been a private school since like the 60s yes state related is technically the term so yes we can go ahead all this shit so and spencer was growing up they were a private they were it was true but yeah

When Spencer was applying to Pitt. Do you know the name of the founder of Pitt? George Pitt. Hugh Henry Brackenridge. Brackenridge. Not Breckenridge. By and wait. Say that in the accent.

Hugh Henry, Hugh Henry, Berkerroof. Bergerich. Western Pennsylvania, I feel like it's a weird place to put a coastal school. Like, I feel like that's an explanation alone, right? It is a great place, however, to put a home field apparel ad. Wow. Let's go. Wow.

Count it. I don't know. Where do you guys want to get your comfortable college apparel from? I got nowhere else. Homefield's the only place to do it. Brothers and sisters, we are Gandalf. What's the plural of Gandalf? Gandalfs or Gandalfs?

Gandalfs. Yelves. Brothers and sisters, we are Gandalfs the white. And we come back to you now at the turn of the tide of the ACC Coastal for one reason. and one reason only. And it's not that we're good at podcasting. It's that Home Field Apparel has hit gear now, starting this Saturday. Hashtag put hit on.

You can get 20% off with the code fullcast. That's F-U-L-L, 2-Ls, always, just like Alabama, C-A-S-T. Unlike us, you can tweet at Home Field Apparel and tell them, the schools you want to see, which is how, for example, they were able to procure all of this sweet pit gear that's dropping this Saturday. Keep tuning in every weekend for what they are calling big, new Saturdays, pointedly not nude because you will be wearing your snuglyest possible home field apparel t-shirts and sweatshirts. And pants? And pants. And pants. And pants. I'm going to get a pair of pit sweatpants that say, uh,

juicy on the butt but it's got a picture of a sandwich. Those don't exist, but they might by the time this shows out. Who have they added in recent weeks? I think there's Tulane. Tulane. There's Hawaii. Ryan, they added your favorite.

There's Yukon. They got Sad Husky, y'all. It was... They added Yukon and Yukon immediately canceled the football season. Well, we can just exist as a lifestyle brand now. That's all we need. Football's no longer necessary. Did you know the North

face used to have a football team i had no idea which was yukon used to be sponsored by uh asics or umbrough or yukon used to be sponsored by aro postal eropostal that's what it was yeah their their jersey's had yeah their jerseys had like the glow up this is the best this is the best like fashion change a team's made in years so yeah home field apparel we love them we will always love them and they're like we i think most people on this podcast know that they're like which schools they are adding but they are continuing to add more and exciting schools so if your school's not there yet maybe they're coming you don't know because guess what your school needs some money right now that's true your school does need some money right yeah to schools that don't have homefield apparel yet this is called

money you you need that I did hear from Connor the proprietor of homefield that that The Yukon Saturday was so successful that, like, they don't have enough time. They barely have enough time to package and send out and print all the... Oh, no. And we've got pit coming down there. Yeah, that's sort of where we're leading towards. So, remember, this Saturday, ruin an Indiana stranger's life. Right.

We have... Everybody, place your orders in a... a leisurely fashion but place a lot of them yes space them out a little bit have mercy uh we have six more to get to number six most acc coastal program boston college a little bit of a shocker but i will say this aside from the numbers backing this up if i told you do this they're one of the most acce coastal names i can think of simply because at several times throughout their history they didn't really seem to understand that they're operating a football program I will say this, and again, I don't know if this is part of the factoring.

The most ACC coastal thing Boston College does on a consistent basis is if ever things are going well, if ever they are ranked, if ever they are getting game day, if ever they are like, you know, on a wind streak, that is when they will fall flattest. That is when they will be their emptiest. That is when they will disappoint you the most thoroughly. I will say the Steve Adazio regime What it produced on the field Surely moved BC up in the ACC

Coastal rankings And that is the nicest possible thing I have to say about Steve Adazio That seems fair Number five Maryland Oh yeah they were here They're back now

They're number five in the ACC coastal Never left in my opinion They are by definition Super Coastal Another point I'm confused for their another point for their

qualitative case for ACC Coastalness. They have a colonially branded state flag. They have barely defensible local beers and they burn things over basketball.

Like, I think they're real strong in this case. The downside is that they too produce a lot of journalists to drag down the average earning. That's really the worst thing that I can say about them. we're hitting the big ones folks number four most ac c coastal program the north carolina tar heels

i mean they are north carolina like they're just north carolina no no states no directionals no they're north carolina so super strong by definition actually yeah they can they can claim part of the coast that ecu will let them have they don't really care about football a lot they squander a lot of great talent in football and have for decades on end. Chances are, if you see somebody in the NFL and go, man, never heard of that guy. Where'd they come from? UNC is like a good 15% shot in terms of open betting on where they played college football. The program basically disappears come basketball season.

I think the best thing UNC did and the most telling thing they did was after Mitch Trubisky got drafted. second they just sort of walked away they were just sort of like yeah i don't know never met him anyway we're on to other things yeah you don't see a lot of Mitch trubisky memes on nfl sundays do you no unc made unc is not interested in claiming this the slightest built by chapel hill and like to some extent it makes sense yeah go ahead it takes a while to build up that jimbo callus right yeah but they're just like don't like don't like don't ask where he's like wearing the shirt and press conferences that says

ask me how I get my quarterbacks paid don't ask about anything after that when your football team it really isn't even valued enough to figure prominently an academic fraud that's how you know your ACC coastal that's hurtful

the number three most ACC coastal program Notre Dame's big brother in the ACC it's Louisville I yeah goddamn I Damn, I have, my only ding in their case is that... Louisville's not very fancy, but...

No, my only ding in that case is that it's the wrong kind of horses. They're the horses you bet on, not the horses you ride. Yeah. So, gaming, not equestrian, but otherwise, Jason pretty much said the meanest thing I could possibly think to say about. Next. Number two. Yep, they were also here before. The South Carolina Gamecocks.

never left another team that never really left has there any evidence that they have left have they won any other conferences holly how confident are you between recording this show and releasing this show that south carolina won't move to the acc coastal are you telling me south carolina uh would you know i was trying to get to a fort soccer joke here and yep we all know we all know that they pulled this kind of ship for and we all know how it worked out for them. Okay, so now I'm very confused because South Carolina doesn't have the basketball gravitas. They don't, to my knowledge, they're not putting a lot of bankers. Their men don't have the basketball. No, yeah, I am, yes, I agree that the women, the women's basketball is very good,

but I assume this to be, maybe I am falsely correlating ACC Coastalness with unbearable white dude banker who only cares about men's basketball. or in South Carolina's case White dude who owes a banker Yeah, I think again This is an ACC thing Less an ACC customer The South Carolina have banks

I thought they were still under the feudal system And what would Will Mustchamp do at a ski slope? Fight it Fall down Fall down No, he would imagine Will Mustchamp trying to stand up on skis Come out, Yeti!

Imagine him squaring up like Liam Neeson in that movie with the wolves with glass tape to his knuckles but it's against but it's against a ski lift it's against a ski lift right like it's heading toward him he's like come on

come on this haunted bench is trying to attack me I got this he's just sitting there knocking them off one by one pow if you're with this bench

I fight you too spin kick spin kick Unlike the gray, that would be a sound like them coming I fix your coach moves standing at the foot of the mountain light Pottles tape to his fist but they're all plastic And they make me more intense So I will tell you the case for this is

Almost entirely by the numbers Who do we have at number one? Number one, this will not be disputed whatsoever When I say this you will say Ah, that's definitely right the number one most ACC coastal program of all time, the NC State will fact. Yep, yep, yep. There's no way to dispute.

Okay. No, no. I mean, even my love to take with you two. Yeah, the metric's amazing. Sure. So, the metric is, in backwards order, distance from a perfect 500 in ACC football games. Florida State and Notre Dame, they have been too good against ACC opponents. South Carolina and NC State

they're within just a few games of 500 all time in ACCC games. NC State gets the nod there, of course, because they are on the wrong side of 500. So this is how you end up with Wake Forest with an all-time 0.311 win percentage in ACCC games.

They're up there with Clemson and Virginia Tech because it's not about whether you're good or bad, it's about how close you are to a perfect 500. Balance in all things. Closest to the pin. Balance in all things. Closest to the pin. yeah no that now that now that you say nc state south carolina makes more sense to me because

nc state and south carolina playing each other feels very ac c coastal not just in terms of like the matchup but in like yep i know this is going to be 1713 and it doesn't matter who who has which number also they both have a whole lot in football in like 60 years yeah so that's that's pretty ACC Coastal. It goes with the gentlemanly pace of life in the ACC Coastal. Things just move a little slower when you're a gentleman. Where's the championship? It's assumed and it'll be on the way. I like that you're setting up a counterbalance where in the SEC it just means more. In the ACC Coastal, it's, but what if it didn't? The ACC Coastal is, it just means what it means. The Mac Brown mindset, it is what it is. That's the ACC Coastal mindset. It is what. It is.

no no no you got to make it you got to make a money pun here it it's just means mm-hmm mm-hmm it just means that's new money the SEC yeah SEC is just over there buying flashy cars meanwhile we understand the value of things I I go to a cottage in the summer that does not have air conditioning but Gary you gotta use summer as a verb with these people yeah no I summer in highlands I think this is And this is a good ranking. It's indisputable. Thank you.

Okay. We done somewhere in there? I think that's the end of the show. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, wait. Were we supposed to be recording?