Shutdown Fullcast - Realignment draft: SHOW ME ... BADONKADONK

Episode Date: March 8, 2023

After a futile attempt to discuss Texas football's nonexistent QB controversy, the crew decide to  figure out other historical events Mark Wahlberg could have prevented  convert all Florida public schools to putt-putt courses  return the PAC-12 to greatness through the power of PARTY SCHOOL place Hawaii where it belongs: At the heart of the sport with every privilege imaginable  create a program where citizens pay off delinquent taxes by hosting Family Feud Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown to the internet to the shutdown full cast. You are listening to the internet's only a college football podcast. I am Spencer Hall. I am joined as always by Holly Anderson, Jason Kirk, Ryan, and on the ones and two's Michael Serber. Was that a record skipp? Yeah.

Yep. Wipo, wick, wick, wick, wick. You're all looking wonderful today. I know podcasting's an audio meme, but it is good to see all of your faces because I have news for you. Hark, an update from Austin, Texas. That's right.

The news, as one would say, is back from Texas because I don't know if you watched Quinn Ewer's last season for the Texas Longhorns. Quinn Ewers, he looked awesome. And I'm not just saying that because he had a mullet. Mollet's gone. He's updated the haircut, but at the time, it looked pretty glorious. Quinn Ewers also earned the admiration of, I think, everyone here and in the sport at large by signing large NIL deals when he was originally a Buckeyes commit and then immediately transferring to Texas, taking the money with him. This is the optimal move to take money out of Ohio and into the state. state of Texas away from the Buckeye state.

We all liked him and yet going into spring because, I don't know, we got to be, we got to do these things. After the Longhorn's first spring practice, coach Steve Sarkeesian said on Monday that all positions are up for grabs, including quarterback. Spencer, does Quinn Euras have some kind of competition at quarterback? Freshman, Arch Manning will compete for the starting job. I think we have a tendency to look at this with like, oh, come on. Like, whenever coaches do this, whenever they say there's an open competition

when it seems like there should be one clear decision. And I think we either, like, question that logic or convince ourselves it's like a motivational tactic. Maybe not even for the position in question, but just to sort of tell your team, like, everyone has to earn what, blah, blah. I have the opposite opinion of that. I don't think that's true at all. but what if it's just laziness? Like, isn't the laziest thing to do to just say, like, we don't have a QB1 right now

because I don't want to think about it? Well, the thing that I was going to say is, like, why wouldn't you say we don't have a QB1 right now? It's March. Sure. Like, of course you don't have a QB1 right now. Like, to me, it's idiotic in the other direction. Okay. That's fair.

In which direction? In getting mad about it? I mean, it's idiotic in the direction of why are we trying to make this a thing? Of course, this is what it is. Sorry, I'm playing Nintendo. So is Quinn Ewers. That's why he's going to lose the starting job to Arch Manick. I feel like with yours, there's this thing where we saw him against Bama,

and we saw they played very well against Bama, and he made some very nice throws. And that is the last image for a whole lot of us of him. Like, in a lot of our minds, that is who that football player is. He played, well, everyone in the entire stadium on Texas's side played well against Oklahoma. Other than that, I don't know if the rest of his season established him as, like, a guy who couldn't give up some snaps to a highly touted freshman. No, that's fair. Because, like, there's a lot of questionable performances otherwise on the game log. But I guess, I guess to Holly's point, to me, this is a lot, like, asking an eight-year-old what they're going to be for Halloween in March.

It's like, it doesn't matter what they say now. There's actually multiple parallels to that with Sark We have months to figure that out And the answer will change And the answer will Be unexpected Possibly Like

In the same way that I'm not going out And buying my oldest Halloween costume tomorrow You don't need a QB1 today Coward Yeah What you think? Yeah

But Halloween costumes take a lot of time To plan You're right Particularly if they're like tandem based, you know, like two friends who decide they're going to wear their corresponding costumes, that's a lot of planning. Like that might, you might have to finalize that by. You need the reps. August. Yeah, yeah.

And if you don't have the reps, people are going to know and people are going to say, yeah, no, you're right. Just I'm going to hear this name for Halloween Town. This is how you build, now this is how you build leadership in a competitive situation. like this, Quinn Ewers, Arch Manning couple's costume. Who is the horse head and who is the horse head and who is the horse? That's almost going to say we're building to the horse head and horse hind. No, I think that's the best way you teach them to work as a unit.

Okay. Well, then we're establishing a QB1 or QB2 depth chart and, I mean, one name is still first. You're not fooling anyone. Here's the thing, though. We don't have to disclose that. The media just needs to know there's a two-person horse costume out there. They're taking QB reps.

Let's see. What are their course, their... You know what I'm going to do? Heights. I'm going to prove that I'm a grinder to my O-line and all of the people who do the dirty work on the team by volunteering to be the horse's ass. That's what I'm going to do. In the play. Yeah.

So Quinn Hewers, 6-2, Archmanning 6-4. We will be able to tell which one is the ass. Got that high butt. I know that's arch back there. Imagine Archmanning. Beardkees would be a Phil Jackson high ass. Arch Manning being like, yeah, sorry. I got sciatica because I was a horse's butt for three months in camp.

So, Arch, are you named after your grandfather? No, actually, I just have a really tall perineum since birth. Yeah, way up there. Number of times Quinn Ewers passed for 300 yards in the regular season in last year. One. One in a loss to Oklahoma State, which looks even more hilarious now in retrospect. Additionally, by the way, Quinn Ewers has taken this seriously. you talk about picking which part of the costume you want to keep.

Sarkesian, I think, somewhat tongue-in-cheekedly, but then not said, yeah, he's, you know, he's, all of a sudden the guy gets a haircut and a beard, and everyone thinks Quinn's real serious now. But he wants to be a leader, and that doesn't change what he does day to day, but appearance is what it is. And I think him recognizing that shows some maturity. He had pretty goofy haircut last year for what it's worth. You know, it was pretty goofy.

I've decided that this means something else in time. entirely. We shouldn't have press conferences this early in the year. Your brain's not warmed up? Nobody's is. No talking till June. Maybe July. Yeah, no. Everybody go on vacation. Or if you're going to do it, you throw real curve balls. Do something completely deranged or, I don't know, go to Branson for a week instead.

Be like, who's T.E. 3? Who's the third tight end? That's what I want to know. I don't want to know who the starter is. We got to go for us. This following, my favorite, too, is that we can stack this silly season in triplicate. We can go three-ply here because Arch Manning, are we really sure that he's ready and he has the maturity to handle this job when he's already lost his student ID twice and that people have picked it up on campus at Texas and showed it.

Like, they posted it like, L.O.L. I love it. I love it. He's focused on football. Yeah. Yeah. You don't need an ID in football. You got your jersey.

My ID is QB1. My ID is to go and score a touchdown. That's my ID. It's going back to my theory that I want a quarterback who's like almost not functional as a human being, right? I want a quarterback who either doesn't, what is it? I want a quarterback who either doesn't believe in God or. I'm God.

Or who believes that God will punish him for not winning a Super Bowl. So Aaron Rogers or Kirk Cousins. Yeah. Yeah, this is my, this is my big... You know, as a hypothesis, it had a lot of promise. This is my big chungus versus I will kill God and drain the oceans, QB. I feel like Aaron Rogers is the quarterback who has met the God he doesn't believe in. Yeah.

They're not only not pressed. I talked to him for four days, none of it was real. And we're not talking to any real. Pat McAfee, I'm here to tell you. I hate him. I touched, Pat McAfee, it's not God. Pat McAfee, I think you're God. Pat's like, you know, we heard from God, and all he said was Aaron's family.

This is a lot of good points. As Pac-McPhee would say it. God. So you went down to hell, huh? All the way down. The harrowing of howl. That is the accent we should use for all, like, ancient Roman and Greek movies going forward. Not the British accent.

This accent. It's kinder to the target audience of these films. Are you not entertained? What of ancient Roman Empire movies? we use modern like extremely hey Italian accents Did you guys Did we all see the Mark Wahlberg

Lent thing? Is 40 Day challenge? Yes. Yeah the rebranded Lent is Mark Walpard 40 day challenge? Why not? That's what it is. I love it.

I'm gonna log off for 40 days. That's it. I didn't actually watch it and I just want to know if Mark Wahlberg is stating that he could have prevented I don't know the death of Christ. Wait, wait. Not on my watch.

Is Walburgers open on Fridays, and do they serve beef? Hey, hey, hey, listen, render that with part of the challenge. Under Walburgers, which is Walburgers. Do you believe it or not? All right, let's see. I don't see any fish options. It's an awful lot like you're calling me Italian. God, are you serious about this or not?

Capitalism is one thing, okay? Some people aren't on to. Some people don't believe in the Mark Wahlberg 40-day challenge. That's right. There's no, there's not Marks, Wallberg, buddy. Yo! Our story.

I don't need this Wallbergers. I know. It's pretty clear. Mom, dad, I got a copywriting job. I am Spurtecous. That's what I'm hearing in the pit accent. Yeah, nobody should be allowed to talk before June. I think that's what we're going to take away from this.

Well, not just be allowed. I'm just like, who is getting anything out of? this we are yeah look at all the time we've wasted with this i i didn't wake up today and think you know what spencer's going to want to talk about the quarterback battle at texas buddy you know what i'm full of surprises you are much like the quarterback battle at texas no who can say it's not like that i don't think they're any like we know what the result will be but i mean in this situation I guess the it's sort it is sort of in evaluating the coach thing like can the coach get through

this without saying of course the number one recruit will be the starting quarterback this year like that's ultimate what is the creative way he will get around saying that how many times can you say I love all my children yeah how can he say this without the experienced quarterback transferring can he get through this and he did grading the coach on improv yeah yeah yeah should just like there's only one there's only one coach work and I know who is the only actual I hate all of my children coach, and he's at LSU. That's the guy who's like, how is everybody? And you're like, I would shoot them all right now.

He's had a good family off-season himself. Yeah, did we ever figure out what the deal was with that? Nope, sure didn't. Cool, cool, cool, cool. I think he's still looking for his QB1. In the end, in the end, who isn't, huh? You know, I just hope Brian Kelly's happy. What would that even, why?

And also, what would that even look like? Skulls. Scary. Yeah, it'd be scary. Just toasting marshmallows over a burning orphanage. Yeah, just, just that man sitting in front of like, they didn't want it enough. Just a pile of, like, just sitting in front of a burning house going at last piece.

That's, that's Brian Kelly's brain. Dr. Manhattan on the moon, but instead of, blue that like fuchsia color he turns yeah yeah and still wearing pants he's got some circulatory issues that ironically make him perfect for lSU just brian kelly bowling with cops i don't know that's like bowling with like a bunch of cops that's probably what makes him happy like cops guys 1.5 non-alcoholic beers fellas it doesn't get better than this cops being dudes come on let's go shoot a bowling ball it'll be great I think he's...

Wait, what's inside a bowling bowl? Skull. Skull. Yeah. That's where the holes come right, right, right, right. That's what the number is on a bowling ball. It's not the weight. It's the age of the child whose skull was inside.

Wow. And the skulls age one pound per year. This actually really explains why Felder's family is so into bowling. This is why old people walk slowly. Their skulls weighed as many as 120 pounds. Yeah. This is why Pete Weber is this. strongest man on earth do you know how many skulls he's thrown down but i also don't know who

pete webber is uh well he has an interesting solution to that problem he does he does he has a thesis this is probably the only pro pro bowler you would have any reason to be exposed to oh it's the guy it's the guy who said the thing right yeah yeah guy who said the thing there that's it the only pro bowler i know is the 300 game on 9-11 guy and i don't actually oh yeah yeah it's a pro no way yeah it's definitely a record my favorite story of all time that's it when somebody's like

Bill Morrow Bill Morrow who bowled a perfect game on 9-11 if you think if you think oh Bill Morrow bowled that perfect game like in the morning right when no one knew what was happening nope Bill Morrow went to the bowling alley that night for America

what did you guys do on 9-11 do you remember I didn't go to class. I was a freshman in Florida, and we didn't go to... Here's the thing. There was a lot of talk on that day where they were like, do you think Ainsville is next? And in reference...

It's like, that's the stupidest fucking thing ever. Probably not. Like, how far down the list do you have to go? All right. It's time to fucking... Now we're up. Connell said it's been like four straight days of attacks and it's like, guys, I think we're next. Yeah, we got, they got Val Dostas instead.

We're still glorious. They're getting closer. They've taken. Oh, they only hit Jacksonville. Thank goodness. That's amazing. I just remember thinking like, because I was, I had to go and work because I was working with refugees at the time. And there was some concern that maybe there would be, you know, instant backlash, vandalism, violence, et cetera.

had to sort of make sure people were calm. We'd go out there and figure out our head from her ass in terms of what we were doing. But I do remember thinking at the time, I was like, there's a lot of people here are going to get in some valuable hours on Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3, man.

There's a lot of college students who are like, oh, man, that's the tragedy. You know, it makes me feel better about the state of things. Pulling off a 6, 720. I remember, like, it happened. And my history professor was like, I think he was like a Vietnam veteran.

So he's like immediately like in like, like he immediately understood what was happening. He's like, y'all get out of here, go home. And like not knowing what else to do, I went to pick up the Jay Z CD I had ordered and like, that's right. To go about my business. And then like, yes, we went, I'm pretty sure we went and played Grand Turismo until I had to go to work. And then I came back from work. We played more Grand Tourism.

And it's like, I remember every minute of that day. And so much of it was like weirdly mundane, which is the strangest part. Sure. this is what you should ask Steve Sarkesian instead of quarterback battle and be like where were you on 9-11 because if you ask him it in that way he's going to panic for a second and be like am I being accused or something here? I need to speak with my attorney

he was at uh he was at USC at USC at the quarterback's coach right? Yeah don't tell me Jimbo didn't profit off this somehow Dana Holgerson where are you? Speaking of USC you know who the head coach was at the time his first year yeah Pete Carroll Pete Carroll, where were you on 9-11? Because I knew you have opinions about this.

You've had a lot of things to say, but not a lot of locations to offer. You know, I walked past Pete Carroll in Indianapolis earlier this week at the NFL Combine, or last week. I could have asked him, but didn't cross my mind. You know, I bet I know Pete Carroll's answer. He's like, ah, I remember her. Susan, invigorating. So did you call 9-11, sir? no no no it turns out it was like earth a kit or something yeah like i was in a three way with

robert redford and earth it kit yeah learned a lot that day learned a lot that early in the morning no less on like a tuesday or that late at night it's really a matter perspective okay yeah west coast yeah dana dana was it like talk about a second tower dana was at texas tech yeah he was at texas Well, help, thanks. Help. Wow. You know the thing about sleeping in a culvert. It's not endorsed Jason Kirk's.

What? I like that. Lower of the Rings. If you reach Jason at Richard Johnson. Yeah. If Dana, if Dana was like, yeah, man, I played some Grand Turismo. It was fucking great. I'm like, we got to put Dana in the area where he's going to do the least harm on that day.

Love it. Okay. What is? it's September and it's a Tuesday what is a college football coach usually doing at that point on a Tuesday morning well I've been up for like six hours right yelling off of minutes of sleep okay okay firing someone screaming at a 20 year old who makes $50 a month like some it's actually pressure time isn't it a lot of a lot of coaches have Tuesday pressers like Tuesday or Wednesday yeah like it's it's prime presser time there was at least there had to have been at least one football

coach who was like god damn it we're not canceling shit all of them all of no i bet there were some who were like it's not a good idea like it will be a waste of like even if they're not being sensitive they're like it'll be a waste of time we shouldn't we shouldn't like spend the time doing this but you know they're all distracted it's a waste of time anyway yeah yeah i have a more narrowing answer than both of those. Ask Kenny Dillingham where he was on 9-11, and he'll be like, I was seven. Well, we did mess up nap time that day. I was going to say, like, who's going to lie about where they were?

Stets and Bennett was three. Yeah. Who's going to lie about where they were just to lie? It's PJ, right? Yeah. PJ is up there in likelihood, sure. Has he heard of 9-11, though? Nope.

Only focused on the positive. Yeah. I was just saying he's a very weird guy. I might be up on the news, but. I was at the recruitment office feeling elite. That is the attitude that built the gentleman. My next question was going to say, who is going to tell you that they went to the Marine recruitment office to sign up that day?

But unfortunately, they had a bad back. And the answer is Pat Fitzgerald. The answer is Dan Quinn. Oh, God. Oh, gosh. We've never told a joke. Hang on, Dan Quinn might have, though.

No, no, no, Joe. Did you hear about the show? No, no, no. There's this, there's this excerpt from, there's an excerpt from a Fox broadcast where Jake Glazer is going, there's Dan Quinn today. And I think it was on some awful NFL 9-11 thing where they were just, they were trying to troops everything they saw.

They were just amping up the troops button so hard. And they showed Dan Quinn. They're like, that's Dan Quinn. Yeah, you know, after 9-11, he almost joined the military. I believe it though I'm saying I believe it I believe it I won't

I won't respect the NFL Troopsing up games Until they start doing it to the London game Until they're like Here are a thousand US troops London that's how hard we believe in the military As always I do not support any invasions Of anyone except England

So we'll drink all your fucking tea Some bitches got it coming They know what they did They knew what they did everyone knows what they did He slipped through the lines of defense It looks sideways at me. You got a real fucking mouth on you, England. I think it's the only way for America to, like, make the world love us again.

It's like, there's only one country that the world hates like they hate us. So, I mean, it's either us or them. They're dead. Everything is ultimately their fault, so. Mark Wahlberg will be totally in on this. He'll absolutely be like, let's fucking roll. I could have prevented the Magna Carta signing an X on a contract

Not on my watch Divide right of fist Bam boom That's got Mark Walkerberg in trouble already Yeah I was gonna say I know one coach though Although there is virulent anti-Asian racism in England So he actually might feel right at home

I know one coach who has no idea where he was or what he was doing Jim Harbaugh Jim Harbaugh is probably no clue No clue next question Just like it Wait, you don't think he owns the paperback copy of the 9-11 commission report? I bet it's like annotated. I don't think, I don't think you would have any, I think if I gave you a thousand guesses, you would not know where Jim Harbaugh was in September 2001.

How did you just figure this out? Okay. He wasn't at the San Diego job yet, wasn't. Yeah, not yet, no. No, he's, I'll tell you this, he's still in the NFL as a player. No, one of us was coaching That's San Diego that day Is he with the Chargers?

Nope Where the hell is he? I don't know if he's there yet Because he only dressed for six games But he's a Carolina panther And it's been all downhill for the Panthers ever since, right? Yeah, yeah Yeah

Can I? We should probably get out of here before we make an inadvertent 9-11 joke. Most I want to know if I could buy a Jim Harbaugh Panthers card. I don't think it exists. Oh, here's a stupid picture of him. Hold on, I'm going to drop this in the chat.

Sound off in the comments. Here is photographic proof. He looks ridiculous. What? Oh, 9-11. Yeah, that's what it was like. Look at those, look at the soft. shoe in it

wow wow that is some really fake grass wow I didn't know Jim Harbaugh was a dick tail advocate look he's got the dick tail going there I think he always was that's Buffalo they had they were the last ones with that grass with that

like Astro turf carpet right yeah yeah that's where you want it to you went on the coldest field let's really go all in no chance of meltiness no no softness whatsoever tiny little sharp

of plastic that can give you just microderm abrasion with every slide the two stupidest fields i know of that had that or three actually this philly when it was veteran stadium because they were like they had no like no padding it was just like directly on the concrete did you read the article in was it the inquirer this morning about the turf at veterans oh that it might have that that philly's like six phillies who played for philadelphia in the past have a very specific form of brain cancer. Uh-huh. Yeah, because that stuff would, like, basically, uh, what's the word?

It would gas off. Aerosolize. Erasolize when it got super hot. And like, I was like, oh, man, this sounds interesting that it was like, Monsanto, the makers of the turf. And I was like, oh, they did that shit. Yeah. Yeah.

That's fucked up. Yeah. Uh, the other. I think it's in the, this was, like, this was literally this morning as we're recording. It's March 7th. I think it's in the Inquirer, if you want to go check it out. Yeah. The third, the third,

The third place that makes no sense with that turf was Florida Field. Florida Field had turf until the 80s. That's a lazy choice is what it is. That is a, can you imagine how fucking hot that was? Yeah. We're forgetting that Florida at the time is largely a put-put-based economy. That's true. They probably just kept it going.

They probably just rolled that shit straight in from the nearest put-putt franchise. Pirate themed Pirate themed Adventure yeah adventure Yeah You know Yeah Yeah

Let's go Dinosaur raises a lot of tough Questions about science though Pirates That's easier to deal with Who needs public schools What I could teach them about dinosaurs At the Putputt putt

You can probably start a put putt putt based charter school in Florida right now What do you mean could Number one, it's got math. Number two, it's got science and angles and shit. That's right. As we've discussed, the dinosaurs and the pirates cover our history. STEM. Number four, none of the dinosaurs are gay.

Want to make that very clear. Swing, temper tantrums, energy drinks, and math again. Yeah, math, yeah. Number five. gives our children skin that is strong against the sun burns them into toughness is what we do. Build strong carapaces

is not something I ever really thought about as a foundational principle of elementary education. Are you tired of woke sunscreen? I regret to inform you those people are real. Welcome to St. Leather Golf Academy. We're certified, fuckface.

At what? K-4-12. That's a Jimmy John's subcard. Mind your own business. Please welcome our 2027 valedictorian giant walking tumor. I think K through 12 is woke.

We do K through 8 so they can start jobs in the careers of my choice. That's right. Slaughterhouse is, yeah. That's why they call it Slaughterhouse 5. This is our mascot. Jimmy Johnson.

Which one? For the skin thing? For the skin thing and the shoeless thing. There are no shoes in St. Leather Golf Academy. Just a portrait of Jimmy Johnson on the well And it's italics and quotes underneath it for the skin thing Who need shoes when your body is a shoe?

That's what I always say I mean Jimmy Jimmy has the rare alchemy of applying light beer To his system in combination with intense sunlight for the better part of 30 years He was either going to get skin cancer Or he was going to become a hard carapist surrounding a cunning football mind And that's what happened to him earth's yellow sun combined with this light beer gives me my powers what are the powers loving to fish mostly he's like Superman except he needs a triple coronary that's it just getting that bypass it buddy

so speaking of the things we've been discussing such as um football and academics and Texas and disasters and facilities we talked about facilities and piracy, swindling one another. 9-11? 9-11. Folks, conference realignment is in the news once again. And if you're a certain kind of media person, you pretend to be unhappy about this.

If you're an honest kind of media person, you think, fuck yes, finally, something people will click on. Because, like, everyone secretly or not secretly loves conference reallignment. I can never get enough of it. It's been around for 100 years. ultimately all the Big Ten's fault, as most things are. But back in the news again, because a very handsome sports website has reported that Arizona, Arizona State, Colorado, and Utah are being courted by the Big 12. Again, the most handsome sports website is the one that reported this.

And if this were to happen, the Pac-12 would be down to six teams. And I think at that point, it would make sense for the Big Ten to go ahead and just grab. Oregon and Washington, the Big Ten, which always likes to pretend it's to, oh, we were forced into doing this. We're not the ones who killed the Pac-12. It was the Big 12. Never mind, the Big Ten took USC. That's what, that's what killed the Pac-12. So the Pac-12 after that series of, I think, very potential moves, potential moves, which could start happening quite soon, would be down to Cal, Oregon State, Stanford and Washington State. Four of our nation's finest

schools, to be clear. Equal in academics, the four of them. Yep. And no one disputes that. But in terms of football, as well as other sports, that's an uphill battle. Wazoo A. Wazoo women just won

the Pactal of championship. And got Shania Twain's approval in doing so. Someone would indeed have to win the conference and Washington State has proved they're capable of doing that. So there's that. Before we get any further, I would like to point out this is also proof that as much as we have derided it, if you have a conference with a number in the title, you should always just keep the number. The Big Ten, staying at Ten, calling themselves the Big Ten forever, Big Twelve doing the same thing, even though they'll eventually be 14. That is the move.

the pack in the pack 12 has been the pack eight the pack 10 i don't remember if the pack six was the thing it might have been very very like don't do that don't tell people how big or small you are getting just always keep the number the same because like a laziness and b then you don't have to like put it on front street like the fact that they might have to call themselves the pack six is really the biggest indignity of this all well and between that and the money they're spending for real estate, do you guys really need to be spending that much on stationary changes? Mm-hmm.

Because you know, you know, if there's a conference out there next to the Big Ten that buys letterhead by the warehouse, you know it's these people. Yeah. I don't know. I think you just pick the biggest number you can think of, and that's the one you just go with.

Pack 40. Like we do it aspirational? Yeah. Pac-100. Yeah. They've got the Bay area in there. They got to get gigas-somethinged. Sure.

The Gigabank. billion do it yep yep x-pop every every yes yeah x solve for x exchange you know who's got go away heat the arizona schools the pa and then to the x power when are those schools leaving about one two three kid every pack's number shouldn't change seven people got that i see you all i see the hand if you ask the conference how many teams it has it's like asking a dude their pant size. The pants size is always one size and then there's a comma, right? You know, it's the 34, but you know, the 38 felt so good

I just figured I'd go ahead and buy it. You're quoting my father. I am. Original line was, I wear a 36, but the 38 felt so good I just went and got a 40. Yeah. That's the Big Ten strategy. That's the Big Ten, man. It's like, I don't know. We were ten, but

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The SEC still figuring out how to incorporate Oklahoma and Texas, which we saw for them two weeks ago. It's not hard. The Big Ten also would be bringing on four West Coast schools, which we solved most of last week. Again, it was very easy. You can just compensate us for it if you'd like YouTube conferences. You're worth billions of dollars.

it wouldn't be hard at all. The next three quote-unquote power five conferences, which is a term that is probably only going to become more comical as the years go by, the ACCC, the Big 12 and the PAC 12, got some thinking to do, and we're here to help. We're here to help.

I listed these three conferences for a realignment draft, and I asked the group, who is brave enough to attempt to save the PAC 12? Spencer was the one who stepped up. Ryan will be trying to bring the ACC through this round of realignment and Holly has the Big 12 who enters with I think a very key metric the most schools it's called college football and you have the most colleges so that's a good start so let's go three rounds each round will have its own stipulation I'll explain as we go and and yeah I think

think for this, so for this first round, we're operating in a world in which it's a bit of a mad scramble. The Big 12 and the Big 10 have both taken their bites from the Pack 12, the Pack 4 at the time, at this time. And it's still a bit early in the process for anyone to make any moves of attempting to cannibalize each other or to go for a really big fish or anything like that. So for this round, we're going to say the eligible schools are not Power 5 or Notre Dame. All right. So any non-power, any FCS school, whatever, those are the ones eligible to be added this round. Our other stipulation is 16 is already an enormous conference. So anytime a conference hits 16, it'll have to get rid of someone in order to add a new school.

Oh, that's fun. That's fun. So for this round, the only one that it will affect will be you, Holly, for the Big 12. Hello. Eventually, Ryan, you'll have to make a cut or two as well. Spencer, I think you have plenty of breathing room. I got land, lots of land. Star-est guys above.

Do not fence me in, brother. So, and we're going to go in order of, I think, the current power pecking order, basically. And I think the ACC is a bit precarious, who's Clemson and FSU are unhappy, but they're always unhappy, so who gives a shit? I think the ATC currently probably has the strongest hand. So, Ryan, you're going to start us off. I think.

I think I would like up-and-comer to FBS James Madison. Wow. Ooh. All right. So you're locking down Virginia. That's a good pick. That gives you three Virginia schools. All the Virginia colleges I know of in the FBS level.

Oh, I'm sorry. Old Dominion. I'm sorry, Old Dominion. You're the other one. But the first really good football program out of those three. Yeah. Yeah, the best. At least these days.

I think if you're the ACC, you have to take the team that's the literal dukes. Like, it feels wrong not to have the dukes in your conference. Also, they're very close to liberty geographically, but are not liberty, and that's fun. You also have a bulldog mascot Georgia Tech can beat. Yep. Maybe. That is handy forever. I didn't say will possibly I didn't say will

lots of things can happen yeah yeah all right are you are you going to bring back to visions and are you going to put them in one my goal is to eventually have just a conference of Virginia and North Carolina base schools okay we can get we call it the tobacco cul-de-sac the range rover conference The lacrosse conference.

They're all close together with their cars breaking down so frequently. Holly, you are up next for the Big 12. If you're adding anyone, you'll need to get rid of someone. And I am bound away from the Power 5, yes? For this round, yes. For this round, yes. I'm going to exceed to both vibes and media market. And I'm going to go ahead and take Memphis.

Oh, nice. That's interesting. Snuggle them on in there. And I'm going to kick out Oklahoma State. Okay. Because they've lost their playmate. And they're currently adding nothing of entertainment value. And I think for a lot of reasons, they'd be a lot happier as a functional

independent the sovereign citizens if you will i do like the argument that like without oklahoma around oklahoma just has like they have no there's a lot less disdain powering them you know like their entire motivation was be better than oklahoma well oklahoma can now pretend you don't exist so oh but if if it's independent oklahoma state they're calling every put us on the schedule any week we don't care Um, all right, here we go. The grand plan begins, Spencer. It is, uh, it is time to reveal the master plan to bring the pack four back to glory.

Okay. Listen, buddy, all I need is for, on this rock, I build my church. Uh-huh. The church of Stanford. I just like to point out with Cal, Oregon State, Washington State, and Stanford, you can literally have a conference that just says cows. So. Okay.

Big Ten lawsuit in basketball. This is cattle country. Brother, that's a Big 12 lawsuit. Ain't nobody more agricultural than the Big 12. I know we never thought we would get it out of our brains, but it almost makes me nostalgic for this is our country. Yeah. Run it back.

So, and this round's restrictions, Jason, are that we have to pick non-power five, correct? Yes. All right. With that, I am going to attempt to, to do a business yes god and in doing so i am going to pick what most people do not know my first pick would have been houston but you said nonpower five right so i can't do that um so i went to yeah and the next one would have been phoenix but can't do that because Arizona state is um

wait what i i assume he's thinking in terms of media markets population that's what we're going the university of phoenix that's that's that's actually what i thought was happening that'd be a great I was thinking I was considering Grand Canyon University. I think I'm going to bring on the Phoenix Suns to really spice things up in the Pac-12. They could use some new, you know, recent change of ownership could do it again. Kevin, you have to play at Corvallis this week. If you can get the organization that can bring you Dan Marley, do it. Yep.

I'm going to go ahead and take the seventh, the school from the seventh largest city metropolitan area in the United States. I'm going to take UTSA. We will attempt to do a business. Okay. We will take UTSA into the Pact 12. I am playing sheer numbers to bring to the advertising market here for television and streaming purposes. Fuck off. Diego State.

It's up to the Pact 5. I also love that the Pact 12 is like, you know, we'd really love to add SMU. And Spencer's like, that's the right state. Numbers, baby. Again, this is also based on my callous estimate. of sales like sales would be like sales would be like oh yeah you should add Dallas and we're like fuck it man at San Antonio I got more numbers there look it's on the spreadsheet it must be true Charles Berkeley will talk about us yeah media

impressions look they got a big old market not only just in population all right so that is the end of round one or is it where is it because it is time to bring in the Pac-12's actual conference overlord surprise. Curveball. Michael Serber is also also picking for the pack 12. Yes, let's do this, sir.

I like me now, Daddy. Come on. Jason, thank you for providing a mystery commissioner. Let's start fucking this up. All right. We're back. And we don't have any restrictions now,

correct? We are still round one. So it'll still need to be a non-P-5 for the time being. I appreciate Spencer's strategy of just TV markets and large areas. Man, I don't know, though. This is tough. I'm going to say San Diego State come aboard. Okay, okay.

So this is one of the schools that the, um, Paxville He was actually interested in. Yeah. And, uh, big market, friendly travel. Mm-hmm. Um, new stadium is way too fucking hot. Marines. A football crazed town.

Yeah. Yeah. We're, it's a direct replacement for UCLA, let's be honest. I mean, yeah, it's fine. That's a fine replacement for UCLA. Let's keep it real. Um, so that is the end of round one. No, it's not. Uh, I am actually Michael Cerber's assistant GM I am also picking for the pack 12 oh my hell yes um and I am going to give UTSA a nearby rival I am going to come we're going to give the pack 12 everything at once all right SMU has now joined the pack 12 as well we have now locked down the state of

Texas it's basically the SEC and us in the state of Texas all right it is now the pack seven and we are still not done with round one because also picking for the pack 12 is the public at large i asked on twitter uh which school would you most want to see added to the pack 12 and among the responses the one i saw the most that would fit the qualifications for this specific question would be hawaii so we are now we have now expanded our reach from san antonio to honolulu which i think that's what that's what that's what advertisers want ultimately what we're building is like a local airline No, Jason's thinking

Junkets. This is good. Junk and bring. This is mid-Southwest airlines. Yeah. I'm trying to see Corvallis and Honolulu before I die. So that's the end of round one.

Pact 12 clearly dominated that one. Pact 12 existed for years without an effective commissioner. Now it's got four. God damn. They say if you have two commissioners, you have none. But if you have four, you have one. You got a Voltron. Listen, not that it wasn't true before,

but the grade of weed served in this conference and then SMU for a little bit of the for the ultimate sensation for those of you like a little snow in your forecast SMU's right there one for the bridal party one for the grooms one

All right we are on to round two and let's say with all these cataclysms happening everyone's starting to panic and everyone starting to eye each other a little bit for this round you're allowed to steal from each other No Big Ten, SEC or Notre Dame on the board just yet, but

ACC, Big 12 and PAC 12 teams are on the board, and yes, you could steal back at a point in the future if you so desire because the Pac-12 is running the show. Ryan, you'll go first. Do I have to steal from someone else? No, no, you don't have to. But these three conferences are available. Okay.

I think this is tough. This is tough. But I think I'm going to, you know, just because I like causing problems, I'm going to steal UCF from Holly and put them in the ACC. Oh, no. It's not problems for you that I'm causing. I want to be clear. Come back.

Yeah. Yeah. Also, this, I mean, now Holly doesn't have to choose her to get rid of because it's one of the schools. She probably didn't want all that around all that badly anyway. Yeah. Oh, does that make it my turn? Oh, yes. Now also, UCF has, Miami and Florida State have to play UCF on a regular basis,

and that's going to make them so mad. So mad. Delightful. It's a historic rivalry. We said so. I really like, please send us to the Pac-12. You have to play UCF because they're the most recent national champion of the three of you. That's true.

Check the NCAA. your books and Florida for what it's worth it's right there yeah um I really like the reasoning for UTSA I am taking it back god damn it no that's no that's really good reasoning it's a come and take it no you won't it's a huge fast-growing market the battle for Texas metropolitan areas continues we can't have we can't have a a cowboy-centric conference without handjob hill it just wouldn't do okay big we're gonna fuck around and get big 10 uh the uts a in the big 10 they deserve it man they're incredibly pressed don't tell me that's not a better school than

iowa or penn state penn state is the answer yes yep okay so all right it's time for the we're going to do that pen state it's time for the pack 12's pitching rotation spencer You are the lead-off. Lead-off, and we are sitting here looking at attempting to pull from, we could pull from three power conferences, correct? ACC, Big 12, or non-power? ACC, Big 12, non-power. Wait, can Spencer steal back?

Yes. Intrigues. Why did I ask that? I was going to say. Why did you do that? Continuing my theme of improving the pharmaceutical selections. And also, more importantly, population. Arizona State, I am considering you.

Come on back. Come on back to Daddy. My God, look at these academics. Hey, do you want to be here for a good time? Look at the Stanford's hanging out with now. Yeah, that's right. Oregon State, Washington State, Arizona State, San Diego State, SMU and Hawaii. I'm hearing that Stanford has friends

Finally He's gone outside Yeah finally He makes us IDs and gets this crypto We get him We get him eat and talk to girls for it That's what we do Is this crypto beer

Yeah Crypto beer IPA It is what it is It's just beer with a microchip Thrown into it Yeah guys look It's crypto beer here

It's a beer you look at It's beer that tastes like shit That costs $10,000 It's a picture of a beer But it sounds like a It's your picture of it Sounds like a Stanford product. But nobody else can look at it.

No one can drink this. He's drinking it right back. No, that's not. That's off the blockchain. That doesn't count. Yeah, but nobody can drink it. Not even you. Think about how cool that is.

All right, server. How else are we building out the pack? It was briefly a pack seven and now it's back up to a pack eight. Pack eight. Yeah, Dana told me he had a line on an I-Rock Z. So we're going to bring Houston into the conference. all right yes

the big 12 the big 12 man had a good time raiding the pack 12 but my how the tables full of cocaine have turned like that the pack 12

has traded Arizona for Houston I like that also because this is server you know that this is the one that will actually hurt mm-hmm he's mine now

this is something that will actually hurt emotionally yeah give us back our for he does. So for my PAC 12 selection, we have gone as far east as, excuse me, Texas, we have added three Texas schools and so far managed to retain two of them. I'm tempted to expand all the way to Florida, but I want to bring Utah back is what I want to do. This is a sentimental decision, but I don't disapprove.

I mean, just looking at the Big 12 and who makes any sort of sense, they're the football program, I believe, in the most. And, like, I mean, it's really tempting to go all the way east for Clemson, FSU, or UNC, but that's so far, especially because the public picked Miami. So, boom, now we take them to Miami from the ACC. No, my perfect Miami, UCF rivalry. Now we're really leaning into a theme.

we definitely took Utah instead of BYU for very specific reasons this is the Square Gruber League yeah we took among the Utah power schools we took the get your tits out school rather than BYU and Stanford is more confused than ever

all right it's now round three the pack is they pack 11 and the ACC has lost one overall the big 12 has uh is down three all total um for this round so many things are happening um all around the country everyone is eyeing each other uh panic is starting to set in and everyone is is getting wild notions bizarre ideas for this round any college in the country is on the board i don't have to get because i lost miami i don't have to get rid of a team that's right

Can I ask a question? Yes. If I get rid of a team, can I make two picks here? So you're just getting rid of a team voluntarily? Yeah, but I want to fill that spot. Maybe we do that as a bonus round. Okay, okay. You're templing.

Yeah, I want Kentucky. Okay. I was going to take Florida here to complete the walling off. of Florida as an ACC state, Miami getting stolen from me, ruined that. So instead, I'm going to make, I'm going to lean into the basketball element here. And now Kentucky Louisville is a conference game. Yeah, it's just going to, I think this is going to really achieve a lot of goals for my conference. I think it is coherent for a lot of reasons that you've mentioned.

And it certainly doesn't hurt football. like they've shown they can be like pretty good ACC like you know they could make an ACC title game yes yeah um plus it seems highly unlikely anyone's going to steal them from you so there you go but i can still see all right it's time for the uh the big 12 to possibly raid the big 10 or SEC or Notre Dame I'm going to do something different okay what I want to do is take Houston back from the PAC 12, but I would like this game to make some kind of forward progress. So I'm going to return to the theme of round one, and I'm going to bring my own little Oklahoma state into the fold, by which I mean, I'm going to take Sam Houston and dedicate my time

as commissioner to executing all manner of corporate espionage upon Houston athletics programs, and just doing everything I can to make Sam Houston a burr under the saddle of Houston proper. I am now accepting any and all bids for large cash donations to accomplish this goal. Thank you. This is once again geographically coherent. We are so far, almost all of us, except for the public picking Miami, are sticking to the map. so Miami Hawaii is a game okay just so we're clear

yep sure it is I mean I didn't put Cincinnati in there this isn't my fault yeah exactly there's only so much you can fix the pixels it's fair yeah Mario Cristobal had no answers after Miami fell 2420 to the rainbows in Hawaii after running the ball 73 times and throwing the ball eight that's mean it's gonna happen

And an accurate depiction of things to come. Yeah. All right. It's time for the pact to have to go on another shopping spree. That's right. Everybody's open here. We can pick anybody. That's right.

Anybody. Okay. That includes Big Ten teams, he asks, arching his eyebrow. Go get Purdue, big guy. Do it. They took what was important to you. You take what's important to you. support to them.

Ryan, we talked about putting notions in his head. I was trying to this includes all current and future

Big Ten teams. Yeah. Purdue's gonna be out on Muscle Beach every goddamn day you'll see. Still pale. It's supposed

to be supposed to actual dangerous amounts of radiation and he's still pale but so strong. He's yellower somehow but in like a in like a

Mario question block kind of way. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. all right this includes the mighty SEC too so I'm looking at available party schools since we've just gone ahead and leaned into that and there's one here that sounds okay in the top five has kind of a football history and I think would be a real asset to the conference so what I'm saying are two words roll tide wow wow they one of their foundational moments one of their foundational moments

they are a beach story is uh is was in the rose bowl in pasadena this is already a california program yeah it's a big pick plenty of beachfront real estate well uh congrats on retirement nick sabin um no i said real estate over under in this conference would just be 12. Serverber, who do we at? Their schedule is just like bowl games they don't want to be in. Until it wasn't, Georgia.

Wow. Wow. Yep. You thought you got away that easy, didn't you? You miserable fucks. Okay, counterpoint. Enjoy Auburn I was just going to say

You're taking both of these schools away from Auburn Sure I am There's pecks left I'm a fan of the real Auburn There it is I have taken Auburn All three of you

You're locked in here with each other Yes that's what I want And the public at large Overwhelmingly Including several media members chimed in of course with Big Ten you thought you were taking USC No

USC staying right where they already were So this This conference has You still got a UCLA Congrats We got UCLA at home You still have the UCLA Nebraska

Rivalry That's what you really wanted Can you imagine What it would have taken For the Big Ten to adjust UCLA If Notre Dame was like We will come But only if UCLA comes

It's a Big Ten like I think a year ago You have to talk about your friends Yeah gunpoint. All right. So to review where we stand, the ACC,

Ryan's ACC, Boston College, Clemson, Duke, FSU, J.MU, Kentucky, Louisville, Lindsay State, UNC,

Pitt, Syracuse, UCF, Virginia, Virginia Tech, and Wake Forest. A monstrous basketball conference, and Clemson. Holly's Big 12

is, it looks wildly different than it did a year ago. Arizona, Baylor, BYU, Cincinnati, Colorado, Iowa State, Kansas, K-State,

Memphis, Sam Houston, State, TCU, Texas, Texas Tech, UTS, West Virginia and then the new

PAC, excuse me, I think it's a PAC 15, of course, with Alabama, Arizona State, Auburn, Cal, Georgia, Hawaii, Houston, Miami, Oregon State, San Diego State, SMU, Stanford, U.S.C., Utah, and Wazoo. Just like we drew it up, yeah. Which is the most NCAA

creative conference I have ever seen. We're back. We went from, so Ryan has a full 16, Holly has 14, and it is the PAC 15. Does anyone want to do any wheeling and dealing? mentioned possibly like cutting a few to bring in someone i think all i have no longer have any commissioner power so anything you want to try go for it um i only have 14 teams and i just want to add south

carolina sure oh man that's who i want too slow south carolina brings a lot to this conference for instance comma please remove boston college and syracuse and smart i think that's it Don't add anything. Yeah, I was going to take South Carolina, but I don't think I want anything else. Wait, were you really? I was, yeah, because I wanted to, yeah. Maybe you'd be interested in offering a trade? Holly, I would trade you pit for South Carolina.

Wow. No. Okay. Wow. Oh, man. Oh, but an annual backyard brawl. Okay. Yeah.

I think. fellas do we want to get on this do we want do we want to snow I think we have I think we have the best conference okay we're good can't be improved can no I think this is perfect this is perfection I want to I want to complete the national merchandising uh windfall financial windfall that we have with wait wait I got it I got it Ryan yeah sure give me pit that was easy we added them just give me give me pit you can have South Carolina and I will add Arkansas great sold I needed a little bit of that

I think what did I call it last week vitamin Yehaw I need a little bit of that um do you want my Florida state as well Holly just throwing them in yeah just for fun actually I do yes okay thank you

smart good so now UCF thought it was entering the conference of Florida champions and it's the only place left in the new ACC I saw I saw your visions which is I think the most true realignment scenario possible is joining a conference you think will be one thing and then

whoops not that also i'm pretty sure this is exactly how this happens behind closed doors and i'm not really joking i think you might be right so okay you guys grab notre dame as a pack 12 school good good good yeah definitely the conference that they would want to be you just sort of said it and it happened yeah no they agreed you know you know decades of nutter name insisting on the importance of being an independent, washed clean by a few words from the wise Michael Serber. I mean, look how many rivals they have here. Stanford, U.S.C., Arizona State. Hawaii.

Various orbs. It's important to have a safety school for those who couldn't get into Stanford. This worked out so well for the four schools that remained. Yeah, we're really good at this. They should just in the Pac-12. It's not hard. so no you just say it and then they're there i mean it's you just start a spreadsheet so we'll do it for we'll do it for a million dollars left

jason indulge me what does the SEC look like now uh let's see well they lost uh Kentucky south carolina Arkansas Alabama Auburn Georgia I think that's it right Tennessee is thrilled yeah yeah whose situation improved the most LSU LSU situation improved Tennessee and LSU yeah and almost yeah cool and um oh shit

honestly Texas and Oklahoma's situation probably improved the most they were like oh thank my fuck like that conference recruiting wise is like no it's here I think business picked up for Florida too

you say that server but Texas and Oklahoma are like god damn it we're carrying the way to get are you fucking kidding oh yeah that's what we just left they've been doing that shit for 100 years for the next hundred here So they're, currently, Texas and Oklahoma are calling Holly and be like, hey, if we could get back in, we would.

And I'm like, yeah, do you have Florida's number? You're like, sorry, Sam Houston State and UTSA. They're already sort of locking down the region. They're sort of accomplishing what you, but you can schedule Oklahoma State who's independent now. Yeah, if you want to do that, that's cool. We'd be willing to set up a game against Pitt for you. Also, we've preserved one of my first. favorite things, which is we're still the Sky Miles Conference as the Pact 12. That's very important.

I want platinum status immediately, which I get, I think, in the first five weeks of the season, based on some of the mileagees we're covering. What are your divisions? That's what I want to know. What are the divisions in this conference? So if we went east west, let me try and map that out real quick. Yeah. You know, you go east west. I prefer to sort of do them. I would prefer to do I would prefer to cause problems. I'm going to cause problems, right? Okay. I'm going to cause problems because we have the...

Hang on, I'm going to cause problems on purpose. So I think there is a pretty, honestly, pretty tidy east-west here. If we wanted to go that route, oh, and you need to move one more over. That's the problem. I knew you were going to run into this problem. So, no, I think... Arizona State. So your west is Cal, Hawaii, Oregon, States, United States, Stanford, USA.

Stanford, U.S.C., Utah, Wazoo. Your east is Bama, Auburn, Georgia, and Miami. Notre Dame, Houston, SMU, and Arizona State, they're just going to fucking party on the plane. They're fine. It also ensures that Arizona State, Notre Dame happens every year. Every year. We have to preserve that rivalry. No, man, put, we're going to have cross-division rivalries.

Let's just put Stanford in the east. Screw them. Make them pay. No, Arizona State is the right choice here. Arizona State playing at Alabama every other year. It's either Arizona State or Hawaii, because like Hawaii is sort of. of like, they're far from anyone, so put them in the east, put him in the west. It really doesn't matter.

As commissioner, I promise you nothing but unfairly preferential treatment for Hawaii at every turn. Sure. That's what they've been lacking. No, if we're going to junk at this, I'm going to absolutely cheat, especially because I'm going to use that station in the middle of the Pacific to buoy our profits by running whatever contraband I want out of China, Japan, and Southeast Asia through Hawaii to the west coast. Other of the auspices of athletics.

Despite all the large changes, you've made you have left two facts largely intact one Alabama is still in maybe not last year but most years this has to be the hardest division in football right and so that hasn't changed and USC is in the division where it's like God they really should win this every year but somehow they won't somehow they fucking won't yeah this is set up where it's gonna be like oh my goodness it'll be USC versus whoever every single year And then you're like, damn, another Utah Auburn matchup. All right.

I have set my divisions up providentially by teams that have red jerseys and teams that are even occasionally red jerseys and teams that do not. So red team is Cincinnati, Sam Houston State, Texas Tech, Arkansas, Florida State. Betty, nobody likes a whistleblower. Florida State, Arizona, Kansas, and Iowa State. And the blue, et cetera, jerseys are UTSA, Baylor, BYU, TCU, Colorado, Memphis, Pittsburgh, and K-State. Those are pretty balanced. It's the funny part. We have like a warm cycle and a cool cycle.

These are laundry divisions. I feel like cool is probably a little bit tougher usually, but warm. It is, but for some reason it just worked out this way. Yeah, no, I mean, the competitive balance is the really impressive part. um my ac c has 13 teams so we will be doing divisions they'll be but i'm intentionally going to do seven and six make it divisions of eight and five the ideal acc record so let's see we can do let's see just in honor of the coast the coastal memorial yeah yeah okay so in All right.

So I will put Clemson, South Carolina, NC State, North Carolina, Duke and Wake Forest in a conference, just the Carolinas are a conference,

or a division rather, and everybody else is the other division. And you got rid of Boston College in Syracuse, so UCF isn't in a division with like Canada. Correct.

You know Boston College formally thanked you for dropping them, right? They did. I'm a little surprised you didn't do this. Stanford I prefer we need their money alive and then torture them they don't spend their money on football yeah but we will they have the money they just don't spend it on that

show we're gonna rob them right oh okay we're gonna we're gonna slowly leach but you don't have to have them in a football conference to do that just be like we're here to disrupt energy drinks and they'll be like here's a billion dollars damn we should have thought about that we should disrupt some energy what about uber for elevators oh shit that's crazy here's all We get them in a room with Miami and Arizona State and SMU, I believe. I believe. Hey, attention. Those guys are cool and they have great drugs.

Sharks here, I'm to pitch you on blood. Blood Genie can read your blood. Oh my God, you can get my phone to read your blood. It's like game genie, but for your blood, it can unlock the secrets of your blood and make it go faster. It makes your blood easier to beat. For your blood. You know how Battletoads are always fucking up your blood? with blood genie.

Makes your blood go slow motion like you're in the big ten. I like that we're not making this up at all. That we're like Stanford grads, why don't you spend a billion dollars on blood genie? I'm not going to ask, I'm not going to let you ask any questions or actually demonstrate it.

Why don't you just give me a billion dollars for magical blood box? Here's the thing. If you call it blood gin, they'll probably be like, oh, that's more authentic. Oh, wow. I'm very cultured.

I did study abroad, so. It's very good. I spent three weeks in Paris once. We should have added the University of Paris. Sorbonne. Let's get the Sorbonne. Sorbonne four, bitch. I do feel a little bit bad that we didn't find home for Yukon and all this.

The Big Ten has availability now. They're in the SEC with Boston College now. That's right. And they become Oklahoma State's bitterest rival. What's Oklahoma State going to hate more than a hedgy fun guy in a order zip. Wow. I have a confession to make, by the way.

Like one of the usual ones? No, this is a good one. Okay. So I was in Hartford this weekend. That's pretty bad. All right. That's all we got today, folks.

Thanks for listening. And I saw Yukon banners. Podcast business. And I actually looked up and thought, haven't done this segment in a really long time. Yeah. And we've all got guns. Oh my God.

They've all got guns. I looked up and I thought Why are there Yukon posters everywhere here? And you took you a minute to remember you were in Connecticut? And that's the confession? No, it's that I didn't know it was in Hartford. I was going to say, I assume

I went to Hartford was the confession. Maybe it's not. Yeah. It's not in Hartford. It's not in Hartford? No. Where the hell is Yukon? Stores. It's far away from everywhere. Stores.

It's far from everywhere is the main thing. It's not in Hartford, though. Honestly, I would like to revise this. I have two confessions. Do you think you could identify Connecticut on a map, the state of Connecticut? You've driven through it. But if we just gave you a blank map and said, point to Connecticut. Oh, this is great.

This is like third season of Hannibal stuff. Do you think you could do it? Yeah, I could spot the shape. But like, if you asked me where anything was in the state of Connecticut, I'm not going to do that to you. Fuck. So you know states by their shape. but not location, is that it? I did not know where the state university was located.

But it turns out it doesn't matter because by my reasoning, stores is 35 miles from Hartford. That's Hartford. Just count it. Come on. By your reasoning, only the city in which the state university is located can have posters of the state university. That's true.

It should be, well, like, who's marking out for Yukon that hard? That's besides our friends. What else do they have? No escalators. Nutmeg? Okay, so there's your nutmeg posters? Yeah, what would, what would one mark out for? Folks, this is what a feminist looks like.

They taped Mori Popovich in Connecticut, is that? That's pretty big. That's pretty big for Connecticut, at least. Okay. Yeah. That's about all I can pick up. That's still new episodes? I don't know if they're still taping it.

They did a lot. I think they covered all the, all the whole spectrum of human experience. They found all the people. Yeah. all the dads. All fathers have been identified. There are no more non-dads. Finally,

Mori can rest. The part of the Mori Povett show in this American life are really the same show just a slightly different angle. It's the reason it's up to us now to tax and nomify the uncles. I would. It didn't end until September of 2022.

Oh, it's very recent. Yeah. And it only ended because he was tired. So many not dads. I would like, I would enjoy a revamp or a reboot of Mori where we still maintain the paternity identification element but it's through a national lottery

so just every week it's like we we've found four people and they're putative fathers and now we're going to tell them if that's true or not because a lot of weeks is just going to be like yep that's your dad just like you thought but the weeks where it's not that's going to fucking rule we're going to ruin some lives

on Mori. Also I want the celebrity host to just be somebody in a Mori Popovich wig just a shitty Mariupovich wig Right Or Steve Harvey Yeah Or Steve will do it We don't need more Steve Harvey do we

In Connecticut we might I like that Steve Harvey was so in debt to the IRS That's why he was doing That's why he was hosting everything for a while Because he was in trouble with the IRS And he came up with a payment plan that was something like it was nuts it was something that was like two million dollars a week or something that he had to do it so like when he's hosting that uh when he's hosting all of those family

feuds and you're like that looks like a man trapped in a hell of his own making you're like yes yeah that's actually completely accurate he could leave if he wanted to yeah i mean that's why will smith did fresh prints like all all of our nation's entertainment foundations are built on tax debt. Wait, Will Smith was way too young to have crippling debt. Oh,

he didn't pay any taxes on any of his wrappers. Yeah. Yeah. So they came out, I didn't know you could just do that. So they came after him and one night

at Quincy Jones house, Quincy Jones got super drunk and was like, Will, here, here's the head NBC, head NBC, Will, you guys are going to figure this show out right now. And they were like, oh, we calm down.

He's like, no, right now. And they just, that how Quincy Jones talked? They just, when he's drunk. in the story yeah when he was drunk he's like yeah he's like hesitation is the is the opponent of progress or something like he would just he had to make a contract on the spot and sign it in a limousine they called like four people and they're like we have a show this is this should be an option also

available to every american taxpayer you owe the irs ten thousand dollars or or a tv show you can host television show we trap you on the set of family feud and we make you say survey says Booty. Weiner. Yep. Yeah, weiner. Poop. Survey says.

Not a problem. Show me. Show me. Yeah. Show me. Penis. Ding. Oh, Lord.

Oh, no.