Shutdown Fullcast - Realignment, Two Ways: SEC Rivalries Re-Draft

Episode Date: February 22, 2023

SHOW NOTES Spencer's not here, and yet less than 7 minutes and 30 seconds elapse between the cold open and the phrase “chinchilla years” Our most perilous predictions ever Why turkeys are the ideal support animal to bring to a violent protest Let's learn about some feds Jason challenges a feared class of birds Ryan has a game Holly has a different, worse game We've replaced Bedlam – but with what? Which two-team rivalry contains all three kinds of rich people? As usual, the problem with Auburn's schedule is that Auburn has to play it See the currently very adoptable Marquis Von Bay at coonhoundrescue.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Oh, I do have some good news first. I don't know if this would be like two community radio, but we got that dog adopted in like eight days. Nice. This is awesome. I miss him. There's another one that the society is trying to get adopted, and he's kind of like got a Mardi Gras vibe about him, and today's Mardi Gras. Would it be all right if I was like, if I did a quick thing for, hey, he wants to adopt? It's just a dog up for adoption that I would take home myself if he could get along with cats, but he cannot. What? Yes, I have no problem with that. And I think this can, oh, hi, we're doing it now.

We're doing it right now. Doing what? The thing you're talking about, because I have a follow-up question. What is it? What is a Mardi Gras vibe to a dog? So he is being fostered in Mobile, and his name is Marquis von Bay. And in the photos of him on the website, he is wearing variously a top hat, a Hawaiian lay, and large novelty sunglasses. Wow.

This is not usual for the hunting. dog rescue society. That's good. John Candy has been reincarnated as a dog in Mobile. Oh man. That might be. Wouldn't you want to adopt John Candy the dog? He just named this dog, uncle. The plane train and automobile, this guy back home? Man. Summit has been renamed Fudd by the three-year-old son of the family, which I thought he looks kind of fuddly. That's pretty good. Yeah. Uncle Fudd. Uncle Fud. He has a very uncular vibe to him. Anyway, the horse has gone and my actual dog is at daycare,

so I should probably get some shit done. Okay. Y'all, it's so quiet here. I think the only thing is if we're promoting a dog for adoption, we should just mention, like, the date, and, like, most people who listen to it will probably be, like, after it's already adopted. Sure. So just with, like, with that awareness.

Yeah, maybe I should keep it. Maybe I should keep it somewhere else. I think it's fine to you. Today is February 21st, end of cold open. We just know how our folks are. They will check in a year from now. Hey, do you still have the dog? Hey, where's uncle?

I want to get uncle, please. The only reason I was trying, the only reason he came up in my brain is they've been trying to get this guy adopted for like five months. And he's living outside. The public library should have dogs you can like take for a week. Yes. Check out a dog. Right.

Like you know, you know, you can get like hardware and seeds like public libraries have a lot of stuff can we talk about this one of the dirt thing can we talk about this on the show people don't know about this we should say it you it should be saved for hand in the public libraries and state well that's my other hobby horse besides state ag extensions why do what what what is a um is there like a a topic offloading um exchange here going on here like i i i would have no sense of what is a topic that is oh that That's their jurisdiction.

That's true. That's true. We can talk about whatever we want. Fuck it. I was trying to think of a time when they said this is too full cast and it was the time they lost all their audio. Yeah, that's true. That was just a moment that they had. Yeah.

But I think if you could go to the public library and be like, I would like a beagle for a week just to see what that's like. Yeah. Like that would rule. Then you will no longer like a beagle. That's how that works. I would like to step down. in intensity, please. But isn't it good to learn that

from a rental situation rather than rather than getting one? And the good news is there will always be someone who would like to try a beagle. So therefore the beagle is always happily occupied getting all sorts of new experiences. The wailess for the beagle is and no one is getting tired of the beagle.

This is it good for like older dogs too who have a harder time getting adopted and there's like, is that a couch? I'm in. Yeah. Yeah. problem is eventually some library probably in florida will be like we got snakes for rent only snakes only snakes but then you loose the dogs in the library to control the snake population we have no books about jackie robinson only snakes at this school library critical reptile theory

Welcome. Wipe out. To the shutdown fullcast. It's the internet's only college football podcast. You are stuck with it. And you're stuck with us. I'm Holly Anderson and I am not in control here. but we did some math, and we figured out it had been the longest since I had had to do the welcome.

Spencer Hall is currently taking his children to a national park on purpose. Surrounding me in an orb of healing light are Jason Kirk, live from Epcot, Canada. Thank you. Ryan Nanny in beautiful Nashville, Tennessee. Why do we use special years for dogs, but not other animals? animals. What do you mean special years? Well, we have dog ears, right?

Like, that's a thing. But it's only for dog, why is it just for dog? Like, other animals have... Pretty sure we do it for cats. Do we have cat? What's a cat ear? It's kind of, okay, it's kind of a, um, it's not a consistent scale, like, it speeds up. Yeah.

Um, it's like more sped up at the start, but it's, it's kind of, it's not, it's not a straight up math thing. It's like an uneven parabola. What the fuck? There are many theories. But I've, I've seen these at the vet. Anywhere between 7 and 15 is a cat here Anywhere between 7 and more than double 7 is a cat year

This is based on my first 10 seconds after Googling cat years So what other animal do you want to know? Well like turtles for example There's no turtle year we just say this turtle is 107 years People years old There's no turtle year but that just means you don't know if there's a turtle For an easy calculation your age and turtle years

just simply multiply by two. One human year is two turtle cairs. What? Ryan, I would like to go back to something. Are there tortoises that can live to be like 60? Hello, Michael Serber, not in Clemson, South Carolina, not in Washington as by the state of his hoodie, but in the woods of North Carolina in an undisclosed location. I'm sorry, I'm sorry to interrupt.

I do want to go back to something you said, though. I'm not that sorry. I really said that many things. The turtle, you say that we just say this turtle is one, we don't say it in turtle, do you introduce dogs as like, this is, this dog's 35? Do you say that? I don't, but I, but I, but I, but I, but I'm saying, but I'm saying, like, here's my 42-year-old dog.

No, we don't, we don't do that. That's my point, right? We do it with people, like, as to immediately excuse that they've shit on the floor. Yes. Now, uh, having begun Googling this topic, I would like to tell you about creature years to human years.com. Oh my God. See Ryan?

Of converters, uh, chinchilla years. Chinchilla years. let's see 10 years up to 20 years so your converter uh Ryan tell me how old your chinchilla is please let's say I have I've had a chinchilla for two human years how old is my chinchilla but when was it born is the question okay my chinchilla not when you acquired it sorry my chinchilla for the purpose of this was born in 2021 okay so it's two years old so evasive about this my god all right so 12 12 is your year for chinchillas, 12 is your... Chilas aren't born, they're grown.

Holly, can we do... Would you like to know about hedgehogs? Boy, would I. Bears? Bears? Bears have different ears? We'll do bears next. Holly, how old is your sheep, please? Four.

Four. We're going to go with... It appears it's actually 30. So that's tough math. Get a job, sheep. Serber, can I interest you in... I got a millennial sheep? Serber, you're...

It's a blocker. Yes, tell me. How long is that? It's, uh, the, the camel was born in 20, the camel was born in 2011. I think it was actually, I think it was actually 36, uh, which means it's actually 89. Oh, okay. Wow. So camel, you're going pretty big with the number.

Uh, and there's lots of other. Fuck. I have. I have. I have. See, this is, this is, this is why, this is why it's good that Spencer's not here, because Spencer would just indulge me. in a useless way. Right.

But you all have actually provided me useful information that proves I'm a dumbass. No, you just hadn't looked it up. That's the dumbass part. No. Like, the internet was only invented a few decades ago. If you didn't know about it. How can I?

A person who's worked on the internet extensively have possibly known that there was a hamster's age. That sounds even harder. You're going to look at it. Well, Jeeves died. ten years ago, so I can't ask him anymore. I think you can drink. When you could just bully your way through conversations with confidence and be like, no, that's

right. I remember an extensive debate we had, I think, in early high school about whether Dom Deloese was alive or not. And because we didn't have smartphones, it was like this was always a debate we'd have at lunch or after school or something. So I was like, we're not in a computer lab right now, so there's no way to know. I remember just having this exact debate about Ronald Reagan. And everyone just sort of agreed we would feel better if he wasn't around.

So we decided that was canon. When did he go? That would be a lot. See, it'd be, it was a lot more inconvenient, but it would also be a lot more fun to find out if it was true or not in those days. Yeah, true. It's more of an event. We're going to go to the fucking library and check out a dog and then see if Ronald Reagan is still alive.

Oh, I meant we're going to find Dom DeLuiz's house and see if there's a live Dom Deloese in it. Nope, just followed library dogs. Unreturned library dogs. Overdue dogs. I did have an idea for this episode that I ultimately decided we shouldn't do, and I shouldn't even... I probably shouldn't even say it out loud here, but I didn't want to even propose it to the rest of you. We're fine. There's only adults left.

What do you want? The idea was we should do Spencer's funeral, but I was worried that because we speak things into existence on this show... Yeah, while he's traveling. Spencer would die. While he's hiking in the snow with two small children. Big geology and big animals all around. Yeah. Okay, now, did we already set it in motion?

I don't know. I think we... You specifically already said it in motion. That's fucked up, Ryan. My theory is that we have not, because whenever we try to invoke our ancient and mystical powers... How'd that go with their being no such thing as turtle years? But that wasn't a thing I was trying to make happen.

I don't know that it was already a thing until you say how many years have we been trying to kill Kissinger in a skateboarding accident I swear to God they've got to stop him the problem there is too many people are trying to the powers are like magnets bouncing out of each other what is this true to the tinkerbell theory is it just too much noise what's that the clap your hands if you believe maybe maybe by wishing for Henry Kissinger's death we are acknowledging that we believe in him and that's why he's alive that right right so if we just too many people are wishing refuse to invoke him anyway i hope spencer's okay if this comes out and spencer is dead i want you to know i feel quite bad about it like they're more than normal full cast episode bad about it still

i'm fine i think we have to otherwise it looks like we're hiding out in server wow you're right do you think the boys like had a mutiny and like they like they took him down together um the last communique ryan and i had from him was last night at what ryan like ten yeah something like that where he said it has been less than two days and i have already told my elder son to shut the fuck up yeah in a gift shop in a gift shop which is a great place to tell a kid to shut the fuck out crowded gift shop why are you even taking them into a gift shop yeah that's true jesus dude because if you don't take them in the gift shop it's all they're going to talk about.

I think the move is to go in the gift shop and be like, oh, no, it's all, it all sucks. It's, uh, empty. It's all math books. I'm not making fun. I can powerless against a good museum gift shop. But you, but nobody has to tell you to shut the fuck up in a gift shop. Nobody would dare tell you to shut the fuck up in a gift shop. My dream is that we used to get these, because my mom worked in public education and I guess

they just hand these out. with your masters but we used to get those did you guys get those catalogs when you were little that had like tiffany lamps and and fluttery scarves and like nothing else really sure maybe like a little something and co maybe like a little ottoman with a fringe on it and my is this like a catalog where you could buy a globe for your home yeah yeah and i don't remember what any of them were it feels like there were a thousand of them but one of my i've talked before about like an internal marker of having unparalleled wealth would be when I had a couch with cup holders in it, but when I was young, being the child of a public educator, surrounded by other public educators

who thus all dressed, you know, like, this is my butterfly outfit, especially because most of them worked in elementary schools, right? I'm sorry, Mom, please don't want it. Like, the idea that I had fixed in my mind of a very fancy person, like what fancy ladies looked like, was to dress entirely out of these catalogs. And now that I'm old, I'm like, you know, this looks like a comfy way to go. There's not a lot of like binding fabrics in here. These ladies are comfortable.

No, a lot of loose denim. I would love to like flutter into a room with scarves just waving, but like I can't gracefully wear a scarf. I just look like I've gotten tangled in it. Anyway, that's my contribution. So I wanted to start to keep it on the animal theme here. We're not doing Spencer's funeral. I don't think we're doing...

Listen, if something happens now, we have to come back next week and do his funeral. So why would I waste this content now? We might as well knock it out now. No, see, I don't live that way. I know. I don't either. Because this wasn't my idea. We're not banking this.

Okay. Okay. Do you think we should? Pre-writing? Or we're pre-writing? He's old as hell. It's not our responsibility to write Spencer so big. Who is going to do it then, Spencer?

Lots of people will. Godfrey? No, he has not done it. It'll turn in two. months after Spencer's death. Actually, you know what? If we assigned it to Spencer, it'll somehow show up at the very last instance. Yeah, because Holly

will write it. Yeah, yeah. It's done. It's not my problem. Don't tell the people how it works. Don't tell the people how it works. This is, I have a death-themed thing, though. Generational talent. Not Spencer's death. I have to emphasize.

Did either of you see this story about the male carrier who beat a turkey to death, in Arden Arcade, California. No, Ryan, I believe that one missed me. Okay. This was sent to us, helpfully flagged by Donnie H on Twitter.

People send us stuff on Twitter and on email. And most of the time, I appreciate that you send it to us, but I just forget that it was like, it's just not helpful because my brain is soft and bad. But this one stuck out. There's also a weird pattern of stuff

that always, always, always comes in just as soon as we're done recording. It happens a lot. Yeah. So I don't know that if this happens to you. It's creepy like that. Okay, so I'm going to start on, let's see. Well, they've updated the date, so it doesn't matter.

But at some point in February, in a Sacramento County neighborhood, this is from local news, witnesses contacted wildlife wardens to report that a turkey had been beaten with some sort of pull or stick that a mail carrier pulled from his vehicle. And this article goes on to explain that there are a lot of wild turkeys who live in this neighborhood people have very different opinions one neighbor says i love the turkeys they're just a little friendly part of the neighborhood uh another one who chooses not to share her last name says they are pests and bullies they harass the male people they chase them i personally have had to intervene when they jumped on a male carrier's back um so what happened was people saw people saw this this turkey

get beaten to death by a postal worker. Fish and Wildlife had to come and retrieve the carcass. This is the quote from the man who was responsible for doing that. I'm a game warden. I've been doing this 25 years. It was the biggest turkey I have ever seen. And then an investigation took place, and that's where the story that Donnie sent us comes in. Because intrepid reporter at the Sacramento Bee, Ariana Lange

I don't know if that's how you're saying I'm sorry if it's not filed a FOIA request with the U.S. Postal Service and they released to her the four-page first-hand account of the mail carrier I'm going to read the selection to you

from the Twitter thread Ariana put together on March 4th, 2022 the mail carrier wrote I've had this route for three years and I'm constantly calling to report incidents with the turkeys. On February 28th, three turkeys approached the USPS truck, and the mail carrier thought they were going to follow, quote, the pattern from every other day.

But on this day, they didn't. Instead, quote, they came around the front of my vehicle around the outside and cornered me at the back. But, Holly, I want to leave this guess up to you. What do you think the mail carrier had in the back of his postal truck to fend off dangerous birds such as these. Baseball bat. Incorrect. Jason, you want to stab at it?

Is that a clue? A noise maker. Uh, nope. Serber. Slingshot. It's a shepherd's crook. Had a shepherd's crook. Just happened to. Yeah.

Which end of that is the business end? I think the curly end. Okay. But I honestly, I think they're more kind of the business end. Yeah, it's, I think the idea is, is likely there. to sort of slide the turkeys out of the way By the neck

Yeah See I was thinking it was like a scorpion Via mortal combat mechanism And I'm like get over here I mean yeah It's like Gonzo being pulled off stage Yeah All right

So the male carrier Uh takes a shepherd's hook Swings once to scare them away And didn't hit anything The turkey's backed off for a second But then they aggressively came at him again Seeing no alternative quote, I swung again to protect myself and hit one turkey one time in the neck.

The bird stumbled back and fell into the street. Mail carrier. I've seen them play dead so many times that I thought that's what's what's happening. I didn't know this was a famed practice of turkeys. The other, one of the questions in the document itself from the USPS investigator. Question, did you ever use pepper spray against them? Answer. Yes.

no effect on them. Wow. All right. So this is the entirety of the story, except Ariana added this important post script. I called my most important uncle, Uncle Bob, who's very gruff, and is not on Twitter, to tell him about this FOIA release, and he said, keep at this story. There's more there. I can feel it.

Damn. I have a theory. Go on. Because the news report emphasizes that mail carriers, not just this mail carrier, are constantly getting attacked by the turkeys in the neighborhood. And other people, it's sort of a mixed bag. Sometimes, yes, sometimes, no. What is on the side of every USPS truck? Picture of an eagle. Oh my God. The picture of the bird that beat it out for the national bird. Correct. Holly has correctly identified what I think is going on here. Ben Franklin tried to tell us. These turkeys know that they were supposed to have, they were supposed to be

atop every flagpole. They were supposed to be on our money. Do you know how fucking stupid bald eagles are? Yeah. Yeah. And instead, we went to bald eagle, and the turkeys are fucking pissed now, and they hate that the postal service is rubbing in their fucking faces, that the bald eagle gets to be exalted and also hunted near to extinction, but we'll put that to the side.

And the turkey is relegated to... Hunting to near extinction with the help of whom? Wow. It's a good point. I mean, fair to ask. Yeah. um yeah i think this is a revenge plot i think holly you you nailed it oh it's incredible now are letter carriers the um the first wave or the priority target or is it just because the eagle

is so uh ostentatious on their um on their iconography are do you think they'll expand this attack throughout the federal government that's like really i mean i don't think there were any turkeys there on January 6th, but... Do they hibernate? I don't think so. But honestly, they don't know. There can't be that many of them around by January, just like statistically. It's a pretty rough time for them.

There's the turkey who always gets spared at the White House, but it's just the one. And I have to imagine that turkey goes back. Soft on crime, Joe Biden. To the rest of the turkeys and is like, I've seen the interior. I have the map I have the floor plans in my head I don't know that that turkey might be the one who's like come on they're not so bad

That's the Touretto turkey Oh you think that's the sellout turkey Yeah and then they're like this guy squealed And then the turkeys kill that turkey Because he can't be trusted Don't fall for it The turkey is not spared Wow

His execution is passed along to the turkeys themselves That's fucked up Everyone knows Joe Biden knows Everyone knows exactly what's going to happen. Is the Postmaster General still in the line of succession? I think they removed him. Is there still that Wikipedia page of lists of federal employees

that you wouldn't think are allowed to carry guns, but actually have to carry guns as part of their uniform? Which federal employees have to carry guns? I don't know if this is new information anymore now that we all know there's Postal Service police. Hmm. Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm. And they're actually some of the most, like, effective and...

Firearms and arrest authority of U.S. federal agencies. Yeah, that might be it. This is not a Wikipedia article, but it is helpful. Yeah, it's most of who you'd think. U.S. Postal Inspection Service has 2,300, about 2,300 field agents who have firearm and arrest authority, at least as of 2008, so these numbers might be, might not be accurate. The Mint Police The Forest Service

You know there's NASA cops Are there NASCops? The NASA Office of the Inspector General Oh no Yeah yeah yeah Yeah 602 employees If you're a NASA cop Sound off in the comments

The National Institute of Standards And Technology has 28 Federal I don't know Is that like gasp? Is that the people who deal with like gasoline? I thought it was the people who were like

a credit card has to be this big but that might be the same thing NIST is what it's called Who has the arrest power but not doesn't get to carry a gun Hmm The Bureau of Engraving and Printing Police Yeah they don't get guns

No I'm just I scroll past their name The NOAA They sound really fucking scary Wait wait wait the NOAA The NOAA has a hundred forty-nine employees with police powers, like, I think to arrest the ocean, right? Yeah, yeah, that's what it's true.

Yeah, we're going to need to pretty soon. That's true. We're doing a pretty bad job of detaining it, might I add. I like that. 149 is like your base level, like, okay, if Atlantis is real, we have some line of defense. Not nobody. Right.

But we can arrest Poseidon if it comes to that. The Library of Congress is 85. Oh no, they ceased operation and were assumed by the U.S. Capitol Police, so well. Oh, good. When? Good. 2009. Interesting.

Yeah. Yeah. The Hoover Dam Police. What did Obama do to the Library of Congress police? Is that around the time we started archiving tweets? Oh, shit. Do you think they were just like, no. We're not going to protect this anymore.

I do think that. I, on the turkey story, one thing that came to mind is a single swing from a shepherd's staff was enough to defeat one of them. Yeah. I'm using this as further evidence in my case that everyone who has like performative online goose fear, you don't have to be afraid of geese. They're not that tough. You hit it in the neck once and you win. It's very easy. They're really small.

They're nothing but bones and feathers. You don't have to be afraid of the goose. Look, I... Geese or dicks, I will still hold a candle of fear for the swan. Yeah, I mean, bees are mean. This is the only way, Jason, that you could embrace, like, an Andrew Tate-ish role on the internet, where your whole thing is, like, we need to reembrace our dominance over birds. Yeah, like, I'm not...

afraid of a bird unless it is enormous and has gigantic claws and like could verifiably bite a large hole in me or is an ostrich otherwise dinosaur you're scared of dinosaurs and ostriches i will not fight a dinosaur i mean shit raptors weren't that fucking big they were not as big as drastic park said they were no they're just they're unparalleled i'll beat the fuck out of a raptor if i have to not that i want to michael felder where are you starts some shit so yeah like like geese aren't scary It's just a skinny turkey. Jason Kirk issuing a chilling challenge.

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all right so um because we have our fingers on the pulse of all things college football realignment continues to be a topic of discussion uh again last week yeah I mean the fact that yeah it's going to be like this for I refuse the next 15 years? At what point will we stop talking about realignment? When both the ACC and the Big 12 are done? When there's one conference and then we'll talk about it splitting up.

It's been like this for over a century. Okay, good, good. We're going to Pangaea. So, the thing I want to talk about is SEC figuring out what the schedule looks like with the addition of Texas and Oklahoma in 2024.

A lot of this conversation has been framed around, okay, we think they're going to give everybody three permanent opponents and then you're going to rotate. Who should those three be? How do you build this in a way that the schedules are equitable? Who are the important rivalries? Who are the rivalries that are historical but not important? Which schools do not get a say because they are small? Right. Correct. I would like to propose a different system that I've done a little bit of research on and I think holds up, but I mostly want to float it here to see what the three of you think.

I have selected for each SEC school, including Texas and Oklahoma, going forward, one other school that they will never play. Ah. That we say, instead of a permanent rivalry, permanent rivalries, we say, here are permanent never play teams. The forbidden rivalry. Everybody picks South Carolina. Yes, yes. I mean, that would be great because then South Carolina wouldn't get to play. This is called the Columbia Protocol.

South Carolina would play the Citadel and Clemson, and that would be the whole season. That's fine. Maybe NC State once every three years as well. Oh, I like this. Here's who I've come up with, and I want to see what you all think. First, I have stricken Georgia and oldness from playing one another forever again. That's too much khaki. That is far too many collars.

Georgia leads a series 32, 12, and 1. Georgia has so technically Ole Miss has won the last game in this series in 2016 but that game was vacated it was Kirby's first year whatever Georgia had won the last 10 before that increasingly in blowouts I just don't

like this is not an important game I don't think we need to ever see Georgia and Ole Miss play and we can dangle the whole like well maybe you'll play each other in the SEC championship a thing that Ole Miss never goes to yeah and I mean this is just Georgia against mini Georgia

is all that is, in terms of a fan-based constitution. Right. Next, I have stricken Alabama, Kentucky. This is a series in which Kentucky has... Everybody who cares about that is related to Bear Bryant. Yeah, there's a lot of history there, and it's all the kind that you can put in a museum, and you don't need to animate on a football field.

Kentucky has won two games in this series. One of them was in 1922. The last three games in this series have been Bama wins by 63, 3, 346, and 487. Next up, can anyone tell me something that has happened in Mississippi, State, Missouri, ever? Oh, wow. Any memory you have from this rivalry, as it were. I'm only asking this because schedules have been weird and they're in different divisions. Have they ever played?

I'm going to guess this is a Texas Bowl. before Missouri joined. These two teams have played four times. They played twice in the 80s, and they have played twice post-Missory joining the SEC. But I don't think anybody could tell you a single memorable moment, play, newsworthy thing, not important. We already don't need Mississippi State, Missouri.

We don't need it going forward. That was an interesting sentence because when you were saying it, I interpreted it as a list of things we don't need. And I was like, yep, those are two things we don't need. How will we finish this list? Right. You're really going to love this next one then. I'm just going to start with the first fact.

James Franklin beat Florida, Georgia, Tennessee, and Auburn. You know who he never beat? South Carolina. I'm saying. South Carolina has... No one should play them. care who's coaching them. South Carolina has a 14 win streak against Vanderbilt. They lead the series 28 to 4. Okay, wait, so South Carolina should play Vanderbilt every year. No. This is a different argument.

No, no, no. Here is why. Look, they're going to have to do this to somebody and it might as well be the nerds. It's not worthwhile to have it happen against Vanderbilt. Why not? Because anybody else can do it against Vanderbilt. In three of the four games that Vandy won, they did not score 20 points. So the only way for Vandy to win this game is like 14.6. I do not need it. Yeah. Relentless homerism from you there, Ryan, but I'll allow it because you seem emotional. Thank you. The thing is this frees up more time for more, you know, classic rivalries. We give a shit about like Vanderbilt, Oklahoma. That's right. That's right. Vanderbilt, Texas. Mm, I love it. That's the good shit. I think Vandy and Oklahoma might have more in common than they maybe think. I love baseball.

I was just thinking in terms of, like, being barons of things. Oh, sure. Right? Yeah. Like, there's got to be some oil and railroad connections in there somewhere. Yeah, that probably tracks. Holly. Darling.

Which school do you think I have taken away from Tennessee that they'll never play again? Hmm. Buh. It's Texas A&M. That's fine. Only played, again, like Miss. State Mizzou only played four times one of those times i don't have any real i don't have any real feelings there one way or the other no this the longest game in cbs history we would have not had to endure

the 2016 like triple o t game yeah yeah with a million injuries yeah it was also prefer not to have endured that game yeah uh one of these games in this four game series a three zero tennessee win in the nineteen fifty seven gator ball don't need it done no moving on no thank you saw Oklahoma Wow Since Oh gosh How many times

Do you think These two teams Have played Since 1926 Um Wait weren't they In the swoop

together That's the thing I'm saying To avoid calling it The Swack Because that's a different thing I'm looking at

I'm looking at Winsoppedia right now So this was Big 8 How did you pronounce Swook Big 8 SWC They were in

different leagues and it was more Arkansas, Texas was the main rival. Yep. So Arkansas, Oklahoma, there's a lot of proximate history, a lot of orbiting history, but the amount of direct history, especially considering

how close they are. I want some history here, Ryan. This is the first one I'm going to object to. Like, there should be a lot of history. I wouldn't see these particular varieties of crazy trained on each other. Okay. They're so close. We can put it aside for the, my argument is this.

they've only played three times since 1926 all of them were in bowl games the most recent uh Arkansas win against Oklahoma was a Lou Holtz team we don't need to invoke Lou Holtz we need to bury Lou Holtz beneath Sam Pitt is there physically that's what we'll do no no he's not he's not I know uh I do like so can we put procedural question yeah can we put a pen in this for the moment and if we come up to another one that we object that you want to swap about maybe swapping yeah i think that's fine i think that's fine i will say Arkansas Oklahoma might be other than the actual rivalries coming in Arkansas Oklahoma might be the one i'm looking forward to that you want to see yeah is our like is that because like Arkansas is the Kansas state of i don't want to

maybe it's because like Arkansas just hasn't other than like LSU every now and then they just haven't really found that fit and like missou ain't yet let's be honest but Oklahoma, I see a real potent. For them to be just like an obnoxious thorn in Oklahoma side. Well, and they have, culturally, I see a lot of parallels with Oklahoma State. And we are going to have to, in some, you know, in some form or fashion, we're going to have to replenish a little bit of that vitamin Yeeha in Oklahoma's diet. I got it. I got it. I got it.

Bed ham. That's what we're there. Yes, whole hog, bed ham. Okay, there's at least one other matchup on here. I know you guys aren't going to like, so we can talk switches here. I will say, this is a well-constructed list. You always want to have stuff to jettison. Yeah, well, that's why I bring it to you first.

He knows us. Instead of directly to the SEC who listens to this podcast. You are a merciful commissioner, Ryan. Thank you. I will say very briefly, this series has one of the best pairs back-to-back year-over-year scores ever. In 1917, Arkansas and Oklahoma played to a zero-zero tie. In 1918, Oklahoma beat Arkansas 103 to zero. That's different.

See what I'm saying? I kind of feel like there's a strong case to be made for the exact same thing to happen if we resume this series now. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I don't know in which direction, but. Florida and Texas have not played since 1940.

can continue that that's fine uh yeah florida they've played three times florida only scored in the in the first game in the series they score a seven seven tie and also watching both of these oranges on tv will just be fucking terrible listen i love the two thousands as much as anyone but it's okay to just leave those things where they are yeah no will muschamp was supposed to save both these programs remember that he's still in waiting for both this feels like one where it's like oh look at the helmets college football's just better and all that shit. And it's like, I mean, yeah, they share the same names as states that are big. That doesn't mean we need to watch them play each other.

Will Must Champ's Texas head coach in waiting tenure is basically the very hungry caterpillar if you don't get to the part where he eats a leaf and becomes a cocoom. One big bite? I love cake. More cake, please. The one page. My tummy hurts and I'm going to eat this sausage. The Cliff Notes hungry caterpillar.

Will Must Champ are eating brown bear, brown bear. All right, last one. Brown bear, brown bear, what do you see? Who's asking? This is the one I think you're going to fight me about. But I don't know how you're going to swap it with Arkansas and Oklahoma, but we'll talk it out. Auburn, LSU. I know.

I know this game is important. What is wrong with you? But here's my theory. This is the only game that has put- No one gets to avoid Auburn. Here's my late-breaking rule. This has been the only game played against a. literal building fire. This is a keymaster gatekeeper situation. God has told us these two teams

should not play each other. And here's my, here's my best argument for, do something about it then. My best argument for why we shouldn't have this game. If we get to the end of the year and neither Auburn nor LSU has like this game to hang on to, they'll both be like, oh, we could beat LSU. Oh, we could have beat LSU. Oh, we could have been. Auburn's terrible. We could to beat them. God damn it. If only we got to play Auburn, our lives would be so much better. And I think the tension from keeping them apart. Stand in there with you. I will agree

with you based on one principle. I don't know if principles the word I even want there. Okay. Well, I would not agree. I would be willing to consent to this for the sole reason that while it is funny watching Auburn do that to LSU, Auburn does that to everybody. Yeah, sure. So it's not like we're, you know, Auburn is going to Auburn up, for the most part, on whoever they play. So I feel like I could live, it's not, it doesn't feel instinctually correct to me, but I feel like I could live without this one.

No, this is, this is, this is your worst idea, but this is heresy. I understand that Auburn LSU is an affront to the universe. Look, I'll be honest. That's a selling point. The universe is the one that shat us up out of the ocean. Look, when I did this exercise, I got to the end. And these are the last two teams that I had. So I just had to stick them together because I didn't want to go.

All right. To me, LSU is the only team capable of being Auburn's Auburn. This game every year is the final score is 24-21. Don't be fucking fooled. Don't look under that hood. you're going to see some crazy shit right like this game if you just tune into the final score oh we made it no we didn't what a normal and fun football game no man no it was awful and we're keeping it so i feel like um south carolina vandy i feel like we could we could we could

mix those two with these two um have a bowl put some keys in and do a little swapping um any like ls u south carolina they like talking about baseball so maybe we keep them apart but Other than that, I feel like any combo there is probably fine. Auburn, South Carolina, because all that brings up is that SEC title game that was like 7,000 to zero. Auburn, South Carolina is semantically indistinguishable to me from either of these teams playing Georgia for some reason,

despite neither of these teams being close to Georgia. I don't know why. Auburn, South Carolina is just like people with too many thoughts on Clemson. Yeah, like on a vibes level. I'm just like, this feels about the same. Like nutritional content, similar. South Carolina is like, we can't beat the other Clemson either. All right, I'm fine if we take Auburn, South Carolina off the board.

That leaves you Arkansas, Oklahoma, LSU, and Vandy. How do you want to mix these up? So, wow, wow, that's a tricky one, because there's only one Vandy to go around. Because, like, LSU, Oklahoma, we'd all like to see that. Got to keep LSU, Arkansas. You see that? the problem yeah i mean i i i'll certainly grant it's it's a challenge like it's it's difficult when

people try to do the protect three rivalries thing they they think it's easy and then they get more than like like six in and then you see they sort of glaze over a little bit this is what actually came up but but was very good one that i really liked yeah buds is very good like bud had a good one anti staples had a good one it takes a lot a lot more thought than like people who uh just sort of glance at and think i could easily construct a system that would keep 16 institutions happy. We're going to, Ryan, we're going to finish your thing, and then we're going to do a quick, we're going to do a quick draft and just go through 16 teams and see who is left after like

four rounds. Here is how I would like to leave this part of it. The team she'll never play. No, I think we're at a good stopping point. If you all will allow me to keep Arkansas, Oklahoma as a game that isn't played, I agree with Holly's instinct that no, everybody, nobody should get to. Duck Auburn and Jason's corollary that LSU is the only team that like these two are made

I think everybody should have to play LSU and Auburn at least with some regularity. I think like that is a valuable enough exception for me to say everybody else gets one opponent they never play. Yes, yes. It is a burden that must be shared by all. So I'm trading, I'm relinquishing Arkansas, Oklahoma in exchange for LSU and Auburn

playing each other. having no restrictions whatsoever. Yes, correct. Correct. Our barn. All right. Yeah. Yeah.

As much as I did like Bedham as a name. Oh, man. We'll save it for when they meet in the title game. Okay. And again in the playoff. Yeah, that's what I meant. All right. Thank you for your support.

Greg, just go ahead and plug all this into your computer. Make it happen. Thanks for listening, sir. Thanks for listening once again. See it, Media Day. this time i'll buy lunch during as you're uh taking a break from investigating um the lDS church for hiding a trillion dollars or whatever um and then get back around to conference scheduling in between those two things thank you for listening sir thank you thank you so much i will say

the other thing we could do if you want jason if you wanted to say vandy arkansas don't play and south carolina oklahoma don't play i love it yes the only my only quam is that South Carolina and Oklahoma is like the funniest realignment matchup because they're so far apart. But Oklahoma, Florida, sounds almost as funny. Oklahoma, Kentucky sounds almost as funny. So, yeah, I love that. UCF will be in the SEC in like five years anyway.

So it's fine. Don't worry about it. It's fine. Yeah. After they win the Big 12 league three times. Yeah, Air Force, Georgia Southern will be an SEC game. Washington. Washington's going to be an SEC team. I think we all know this.

They're cut out for it. Then you have two dowgs. and then we have like competing naval naval uh tailgates and yeah it'll be great so much purple i'm ready my body is ready go for it okay so what we're going to do here real quick is i just want to do a very quick mock draft of permanent rivals just so you at home can see how thorny this gets how fast so basically Basically, we're going to go through, Serber, you're playing also, because there's three of you, and I'm going to be commish. We're going to go through the 16 schools of the forthcoming Southeastern Conference.

You're going to pick three cross-divisional rivals for each school, and we're going to see how quickly this thing becomes undraftable, or how quickly we get to, like, a weird amalgamation. Okay, yeah. Jason, what's up? So we could try to fuck it up on purpose. You could. Should we do the actually funnier thing and do the sincere version that falls apart on its own? Yes. That's what I was kind of trying to point at.

Although you are, of course, welcome to play along at home. Also, I'm going to kind of go in faint power order here because we know that the conference is going to pay more. Of course, they're paying more attention to who Georgia plays than who South Carolina plays. This is how the world works. Calm down. This is not us endorsing that process. process um this is um one of the like almost constant thing just as a small preview things that constantly get run into as a complaint here is kentucky not playing all the teams kentucky

apparently wants to play and it's well here's the thing you're kentucky kentucky the turkey to alabama's bald eagle you made a really strong and you made a really strong case for the past like five years for wiggling out of that well and then this year happened so all right so let's start with um let's see jason you are picking for the georgia bulldogs all right well georgia and florida this has to happen every year okay uh second team oh wait wait sorry yeah this is sorry primary rival um second team we are going with i'm going to take alabama it is the next team to pick and ryan you are picking alabama's primary rival Auburn Auburn

See, Greg, this is so easy As you can tell We're just having a fucking swimming time Get off your ass, Greg. Greg, Jesus Server, this is my party So you are picking third And you are picking for Tennessee

Because we are rich Bandy We're supposed to do this for real It's the primary rivalry No, we're supposed to stay right for Alabama if Alabama's is

Auburn Tennessee's Kama's already taken in the first column right but that doesn't the number columns don't have to match up well I thought you said

primary rival okay primary rival left among the teams that are available we're not taking it off the board everybody gets three dude okay okay so we can go ahead

and start filling out Tennessee's second so one team one team can be multiple other teams primary rival is what you're saying no sorry I was that you're picking we're picking in order

of, all teams are still off the board. Teams don't go off the board until they've been picked three times. Right. Okay. Got it. Now that I know that, Banderdope. And there we have it. The draft tell apart. All right, the end. I think this is a miscommunication and not him tanking it. I thought I was picking the, like,

this is the primary rival, and since Alabama's was already taken, that Vandy made sense. I was just saying, like, you know, go down the list of teams but it's just this point. It's still every team and then be like, okay, who is the most important game that has to be preserved for Tennessee? Okay, Tennessee, Alabama. Which at Tennessee is weird because it's generational, which is why I like Ludd's, by the way,

because there's this weird generational divide like before 90s and after that's like it's Alabama, no, it's Florida. Right. And then they threw Vanderbilt in. Okay. Bama is who server is picking. I've been, yeah, I mean, my general manager. It doesn't want to go with my band. plan.

I thought you were fucking with me. Okay. Here, Holly, here's why you know. So Bama now has two spots taken already. Here is why you know Serber is not being the Spencer. He listened to feedback that you gave him.

I love that we're shit on Spencer. But he was laughing the whole time. But he's dead. Yeah, sorry, dead Spencer. Well, first of all, there's that. We're shitting on Spencer. First of all, he's dead.

And secondly, we didn't even make it through round one before. This is, before this. This kind of proves the point. Yeah. This kind of proves the point. Okay, yeah.

That is exactly what Spencer would do, though, to be fair. So, Vamba has two or three spots taken. Spencer also, server at least had the dignity to just say Vanderbilt. Spencer would have talked for two and a half minutes and then said Vanderbilt. Did I tell you about a cool dog I met today? All right, who's next? I don't know. Are you picking?

Now I feel bad for yelling. Do you want to pick a team since there is? Yeah, there's 16 teams, so I probably should. Here, Holly, you pick Texas. I will. It's very sweet that you think Texas is getting fourth picking anything in this conference. You know, they're having a lot of money. Yeah. Let's see. So Texas is I'm going to take the Oklahoma for the pick.

And that means Oklahoma is Texas. All right. Jason, you are going next and I am going to give you Oklahoma. who already has Texas as their first of three rivalry games. All teams are still on the board. So we have A&M history. We have Mizzou history. And then a bunch of eh.

So considering the fact that A&M already has new rivals and old rivals, and we are not going to find many better options for Mizzou, we're going to go Oklahoma Mizzou. All right. Okay. so oklahoma has two slots take it all right swole kansas oklahoma ryan you are up next and i'm going to give you florida who already has georgia who already has georgia all teams are still on the board um yeah it's tennessee yep i think so too

server i am going to give you ls you i'm not going to pick vandy i'm not going to pick vandy i'm going to pick alabama again i love it okay all right i love it it's very modern i like this because this is going to make certain people mad so here's so bama's dance card is full we are yes we are half this is kind of part of what i was trying to demonstrate we are halfway through the first round and Bama is off the board. Everyone who

thought of themselves as Bama's rival, surprise. You're not. Also, guess what? You don't have to play Bama every year. I'm whining. Lay low. Yeah. Let me be the first to top this podium to tell you about playing Bama in Georgia every year. Fucking sucks. Don't do it. Strong disagree.

Yeah. All right. Is it down to me? That's down to me. I have made them wait and stew long enough about I've made them wait like 17 spots so I might go ahead and pick Auburn but now let's go ahead and grab Texas A&M

because money I'm going to take Texas A&M Bama is off the board all other teams remain I cannot resist this joke I feel like I should be a better person and be able to resist this joke but I can't. I'm on this show

so they're not rivals but I love new rivalries so I'm going to put Texas in here. Yep. Yep. And I would, we said we weren't gonna, we weren't gonna get silly

with this, but we'll make an exception just for this one. I'm, I'm a very whimsical person. Because you can imagine what it would be like if these two were like,

obsessed with each other in a day. I think it would be cool to see if they suddenly starting now spend all their time thinking about it. They're so different. They're so different, you guys.

They're like not at all like. Can you imagine them like talking all day long about how different are I've never heard him do that. Maybe a great romance has been built upon having different parts. I guess we'll see what it's like when they start. It's just that like one of them is online in a cool

and fun way and one of them is online in a bad and stupid way and they know which one is which. Yeah, I do too. We all know which one is which. And their traditions, one of them is so like meaningful and the other one is just so goofy and cringe and weird and creepy. Oh, so stupid. And I'm definitely

I'm talking about yours. And we know, again, we know which one is which. And we know which one is the cooler animal also. 100%. One of them puts the italics on well regulated and one of them puts the italics on militia. And we know which one is richer, too. That's the main thing. Oh, 100%.

Absolutely. And the important thing is that Tennessee was a university before Texas was even a state. It's not just that we know which one is richer. We know which one is like deservedly richer. We know which one, like, deserves to be rich. It's not just that they're better people. They're smarter. They're smarter.

They work harder. Richer in terms of intelligently investing their massive wealth in football. And culturally. For the future. One of them is just coaching on, like, dad and granddad's money. Also, I know which head coach I'd rather have on his current contract. Oh, yeah. I went too far with that one.

I'm sorry. I fell through the glass wall there. All right, Huckleberries, let's bring this pony on back to the stable. Jason, we've been having them wait an awful long time. Why don't you take Auburn, who currently has Bama on their dance card, and no one else. All other teams are still available. Well, I realize my beloved LSU Auburn is at risk, but I have to go with, the game has a name, Auburn, Georgia, which is also very dumb, very good.

very dumb and very good this is trending towards where Tennessee Bama was for a long time where it's like I understand this is important but it feels mean sure it'll be like that for a few more years at least yeah yeah yeah also I'm fine with the current guy at Auburn

having a bad time yeah it's fine let's see we're really we're really getting down in the we're really getting down in the paint that's fine but uh let's I'm going to be mean-spirited here and just take the team that I like the best, Ryan. Arkansas has no one on their schedule yet.

So, Arkansas, three slots open. The two schools that they have played the most in their history, A&M and Texas, in that order, they are slightly more successful against, they're actually quite a bit more successful against A&M. So let's make the Aggies a permanent opponent. All right. We'll probably circle back and get Texas at. point but Arkansas Texas A&M Texas A&M takes Arkansas all right Bama is still the only team fully

off the board server to make up for my yelling at you earlier because you were doing it wrong I'm going to let you pick for South Carolina this is hard I don't end up picking for South Carolina is miserable well here's I don't see it that way like South Carolina and listen this is my This is where I start to be Charlie Day with the yarn board, but y'all know how I feel about playing South Carolina. They are a lesser power, but they are the SEC East analog to playing Auburn. Sure. It's going to happen to even.

Right, but they're also a team where they probably have all sorts of ideas about who their rivals are that from the outside, no one could even possibly guess. But Serber is the insider here, so I'm curious what he wants to say. South Carolina correspondent, Michael Serber, what you got? With apologies to the folks in Athens. it's Georgia It's one of the best choices I mean it's like

It's hard to argue They're really close They've had like memorable games And with that Georgia is off the board So Georgia's permanent opponents In their current state Are South Carolina, Florida

and Auburn Yeah Look at that, George Tennessee We think of that is a huge rivalry And it doesn't make the cut That's how it goes It doesn't exist Yeah

But again this is part of What we're trying to demonstrate Yeah Okay I will take my I will take my beautiful beleaguered Kentucky Wildcats up on out of the holler I suppose Mississippi will get to you, calm down.

That one at least has an easy one for it to go with. Yeah, that's kind of what makes it feel less urgent to me. Just play through it both three terms. That's your, there's your permanent bonus. It's like tennis. oh oh man Kentucky I don't know

this is all bad none of this is good Tennessee's full is that right Tennessee is not full but I actually do want to I do think it's more important it might not be my draft pick I do think it's important to prioritize

the in-state over the I-75 whatever but are you picking for Kentucky yeah doesn't Kentucky want Florida like if they're if you ask them like the one that they want because that game it's usually pretty awesome Kentucky's going to take Tennessee.

You're absolutely right. I was thinking omnisciently. Oh, you think they're going to take Tennessee instead of Florida? Do I think? No, because they'll want to recruit in Florida more than they want, more than they care about that. Yep. I think it's Florida. Kentucky relies too much on Florida recruiting.

You are absolutely right. Florida, Georgia. See, I'm looking at the order in which these are falling off. Florida, Georgia, and Bama are off the board. All right. Florida LSU is gone. It's another big rivalry that just... That's for the best.

That's also for the best. You're wrong. Also, in keeping with their not liking to travel at all, Florida's rivals are all in the UCC East. They just kind of have to go up and down a little bit. Jason, why don't you make a selection for the Ole Miss? Black Bears, sharks. Let me think long and hard about, let me just sort of in my head,

Control F, the first letters of, Mississippi and, oh, okay. I guess we'll go with Missouri. Sorry, Mississippi State. I guess we'll find room for the Egg Bowl. Yeah, I suppose. I would appreciate if Ole Miss and Missouri decided like, this is the jumbo egg bowl.

This is the real. Extra large. Hey, X are expensive now. We're rich. Green eggs bowl. The double yoke egg bowl. Are those lucky or cursed? The sausage bowl.

That's a great egg bowl question. They're delicious. I knew that. Yeah. All right. Let's see. Jason just picked. So,

Ryan, it is over to you. Why don't you take Vanderbilt? Oh, your beloved Vanderbilt. All right. So if we're doing,

if we're doing this from the perspective of who does the school want, Vanderbilt wants Tennessee. You sick fucking bastard. You're an awful person. If you hadn't been laughing the whole time.

because it's fun to draft everybody thinks that's a goof on my pick but server was going to say that no matter who I picked actually yeah I was what I think of you personally so Tennessee's rivals are so our full cards are Georgia Alabama Tennessee and Florida so far and nothing super unreasonable is happening so far apart from

the Florida LSU yeah Florida LSU being there instead of Florida Kentucky being there instead of Florida LSU is weird but fine and also you know also Kentucky gets one over on them every once in a while I think you've sort of run into with if you're doing this for real is competitive balance some of these teams have really an ambitious list

of teams they consider rivals that I don't know why they do that but that's that's their business you mean South Carolina pick in Georgia first first overall Well, not so much, because everyone should have, like, one super challenge in there. But, you know, some of them, like, well, Tennessee, for instance, right? Or Bam, like, all the big teams that all declare each other rivals. Yeah. It's nice to mix in a Kentucky.

Yeah, that's fair. And you shouldn't complain if that happens for you. CERBER, why don't you take Mississippi State? They have Ole Miss and that's all. You see, Spencer leaves and we talk about football for once. we just get down to what this podcast is. He won't find out about that, though. He's just buried.

He won't listen to him. That's true. And so is he. Yeah. And A&M is still on the board. A&M is on the board. Sorry, on the board. We have Texas, Oklahoma, LSU, A&M, Auburn, Arkansas, South Carolina, Kentucky,

Ole Missy, Oleys State, and Mizzou. Mississippi State might take Kentucky. Right? or would it be A&M I guess I think they would probably lean more West especially for crew they need a croutin

yeah just a game in Texas every other year so MSHC Kentucky what you have there is that was a CBS game once that was a very highly a game a few years ago I mean we're scraping the barrel

for football history we're scraping the barrel but also there are so many West teams left on the board like Mississippi State could take Texas right now technically if they wanted to yeah but I think A&M is the

You want A&M? Yeah. What is the history there? What are we leaning on? I don't know. I don't like, that's the thing. With Texas A&M, Arkansas, Texas, and Oklahoma, Arkansas has a claim to a little bit more history,

but really their histories are with each other. And anyone else we try and inject it with is kind of like, so I think we can. But thinking from the perspective of the school, who would you take here? LSU is still on the board? LSU still on the board. LSU's still on the board.

It's an LSU. It's a good choice. That's a good choice. That works. Yeah. All right. And they're off now, right? Uh, no.

The only people who have picked LSU so far are Bama. Yeah. Oh. And I am taking Mizzou, um, who has Oklahoma. And kind of want to put you back in the third 12 where you goddamn belong. So. but they are last so i kind of want to give them i kind of want to give them something funky give them a little something good uh yeah let's add a and m there for missou yeah

i thought i thought you were going to go vanderbilt with this one that would have been very funny do you know what i thought you were going to go south carolina for the columbius battle nope never mind i am okay that's a stupid reason That's good. We're very whimsical here. There is also one important game I can think of in that series, which is more than I can say for a lot of these pretend matchups. All right, so starting back up at the top, Georgia is full, Alabama is full, Tennessee is full. So, Jason, if you want to pick for Texas, their third rivalry after Oklahoma and A&M.

So Texas, in addition to their rival Oklahoma and this new thing we're trying out. A&M. I've tried new things. So LSU is an option. Mizzou is an option, but far and away, the standout without question here. So much history is Arkansas. Arkansas cannot fucking stand Texas, and Texas will learn to hate Arkansas. This is the Richard Nixon game, right?

Yes, this is every year we get to talk about the most insane, most American moment in the history of college football. ball, which involves a California thing about that game. And Arkansas's two, Arkansas has two rival games now that are Texas A&M and Texas, and that just feels spiritually correct. Yeah, and then the two of those who don't care about each other can also talk about their transitive results against Arkansas. That's right now.

Both losses. Everybody wins, except for the ones. We lost Arkansas better. We got a lot closer than you did. All right, Ryan, would you like to pick Oklahoma's final spot? right now they are playing Texas and Missou gosh

here are your available teams yeah this is tricky I don't know that there is one that I guess I should be saying A&M here yeah that makes sense I think that's the only one that makes overwhelming sense

if you're thinking from Oklahoma perspective and thinking on behalf of the school you know remember LSU is still on the Yeah. If you want to, if you want to go to the other end of the state or the other end of the conference and do a little croutin, you know, Auburn is close to Georgia. This is our chance, Arkansas, Oklahoma to make it happen to make up for what we did the first time around. Yeah. No, I think LSU is too tempting.

All right. LSU off the board. And that fills their dance card as well. That makes LSU's dance card, Alabama, Mississippi State, and Oklahoma. That is spicy. So there goes no. No LSU, Florida, no LSU Auburn, no LSU Ole Miss, no LSU Arkansas. Goodness gracious.

Yeah. All right. Serber, would you like to pick the third rivalry game for Texas A&M already playing Texas and Arkansas? Hmm. It's, and Oklahoma is full. Sorry, Oklahoma is off the point. This is where it gets weird. Yeah, because I'm torn.

I mean, not quite, but we're close to getting weird. I think it's, I think it's Auburn, but maybe South Carolina. I can see Old Miss here too. They do have a trophy. Yeah. Carolina does have a trophy with them. I kind of like the Old Miss pick, actually. Rebs?

Yeah, I think it's like Homeowners Association versus we'll show you a fucking military. Yeah, I think it's Rebs because you do worry that once every six years, Auburn's going to have a team that can beat the piss out of you. When they fire this coach, of course, three years from now. Can you be, because I can you say what day it is again, sir? All right. Between three weeks and three years from now. So Texas A&M's dance card is Phil.

with Texas, Arkansas, and Ole Miss. All right. That leaves me to pick Auburn's final game after Alabama and Georgia. And, oh, y'all, I don't want peace. I actually think this is, I think this is an easy choice, but I want to see what you pick. I want South Carolina. I think there's a very holly choice here, at least. Let me put it.

What does that mean? I think, I think Mississippi State is the Holly choice here. Oh, I was going to say South Carolina, but thank you for the baby on burning shout-out. Yeah. Yeah, that's all I know. I would love to honor the heritage of Baby I'm Burnham. Yeah. Yeah, and Auburn already has to go eat.

Yeah, okay. They're already playing Bama and Georgia. Give them something. Yeah, let's give them Missy State. We'll also beat the mini-Sleep time. Ryan said that. That might have sounded like my voice, but it wasn't. Sorry.

All right. So this also fills out, uh, no, I did that wrong. Yes, thank you. I did that wrong. Okay. This also fills out Mississippi State's... That's not right either. What did I just do?

They're playing Auburn. You moved to South Carolina for some reason. I'm doing good. No, no, no. South Carolina is not playing South Carolina. No, that's not right either. Wait, what? Delete.

Take Auburn, drag them. Put them in Mississippi State. Take Auburn, drag them. Not a problem. Yeah, yeah. There you go. There you go. That was, man, I flew too close to the sun there.

Did you see some of the possible? Greg, I apologize. This is hard, dude. I know I was riding you hard before, but this is fucking hard, dude. So speaking of that's fucking hard, dude, Mississippi State Slate is Ole Miss LSU and Auburn. Wow. Yeah. Which is like, that's not necessarily hard, but regardless of whether or not it's hard, it's stressful.

It's stressful. That's exactly what I was going to say. It is stressful. Yeah. This is like the ultimate. We're going on vacation with four couples that we hate. Perfect. That's what we're aiming for here.

Jimbo's not even involved. On the next season of White Lotus. Jimbo's not a couple, that's why. Jason, would you like to pick Arkansas's last game? They have A&M and Texas to date. Okay. All right, well, Ole Miss, they've played some memorable games. Mizzu, they have a trophy.

that's really all we're working with here so do we want to do we want to get weird do we want to build on tiny bits of old history do we want to build something new for no good reason I'll tell you I personally greatly prefer Arkansas Ole Miss all right and we've we've got I mean if I'm thinking big picture I'm thinking like we need to save this for

Missou. But if my job is to pick as Arkansas. Right. Then again, they kind of hate playing Arkansas. I hate playing Ole Miss, which also hates playing them. And you know what? If you both hate playing each other, you're going to play each other. Ole Miss. All right. Draft Day, baby. So that makes Arkansas's dance card, Texas, Texas, A&M, and Ole Miss. And that makes Ole Miss's Mississippi State, Texas, A&M, and Arkansas. That's another card where it's not necessarily hard, but it is stressful. Yeah, it's so much red. So much red.

Blood everywhere. All right. Ryan, South Carolina falls to you. They are playing Georgia and Missouri. The teams remaining on the board for you to pick are Arkansas, South, are Arkansas, Kentucky and Vanderbilt. No, Arkansas's gone. Arkansas is full. Never mind.

I'm seeing it. I'm already catching up. It's just Kentucky and Vanderbilt? Kentucky and Vanderbilt. I mean, I just said, I just said in my made-up game that it can't be Vandy, so I have to pick Kentucky. I have to be true to my own bullshit. That's the other part about being a conference mission.

This really turned around fast for South Carolina. They started with Georgia, and they ended with Missou in Kentucky. Yeah. So South Carolina is Georgia, Missouri, Kentucky, which, hey, man, let's let's let South Carolina have some shine. Who knows? and Serber this leaves you to pick Kentucky's final game they have Florida and South Carolina your choices are Vander we're going to end up with Vanderbilt

and Missouri playing each other twice there's nothing to wait hold on there's nothing to pick here though right because Vanderbilt based on who you have left Vanderbilt has to play Kentucky and Missou so we've already solved this yeah but we got a draft see Greg how easy this was oh we have to draft so someone has to feel like they're last

yeah yeah okay kentucky and vandy not missouri fuck missouri all right so vandy is playing tennessee and kentucky kentucky is full that leaves vanderbilt and mazoo as we

as we knew it would fuck missouri all right this is a wildly unbound. That's a draft. So let's read from, let's read from top to bottom in order of picks and see, and see what we think of here. Georgia. Florida, Auburn, South Carolina. I love this one, actually. That's about as good as it's going to get. They don't ever have to stray that far from 75. They'll love it. Yeah, that's, that's good. Yeah. Bama, Auburn, Tennessee, LSU. I love the chaos potential here. I think this is a good mix of like ancient

history, recent history. Yeah, I think this sounds good. Also, all these games are going to make Nick cranky in a different way. Tennessee, Alabama, Florida, Vanderbilt. I genuinely believe this is the best way to keep most of Tennessee's more violent factions quiet. This is correct. And I think, like, you know, you could say, oh, they have bigger rivals elsewhere, but if you have two state schools that don't play each other every year, that's dumb. I am so, listen, I, this is something, this is what made me declare Bud's, uh, collection of rivalry projections the winner I am so fucking sick of the Tennessee Georgia series it is I've written about this before it is boring there's no

trophy there's no name like it's a border war between two states that are in a fight over water and we can't even make a good rivalry series out of that it is it is a weird rivalry in that it will be better when it is only played occasionally yeah like there's no there's I mean and there have been fun games and fun knee games and devastating games, but, like, there's no personality to that series whatsoever. I hate it. Yeah.

All right. Texas, Oklahoma, Texas A&M, and Arkansas. Perfect. They're back where you belong. Two biggest rivals and also Texas A&M. Excited to try something new there. Oklahoma, Texas, Missouri, LSU. This is the most...

Well, you join the SEC. Too bad schedule. Like, there is... Y'all wanted it. It may be weird, but like, what would the alternative be? You should have brought your little brother with you if you wanted to keep playing. Yeah. You didn't.

Texas and Mizzou, I think, are the two easy choices there. And then you're just going to have a curveball. Staples end up with Oklahoma, Florida, which I thought was genius. That's like, that's a good... I was like, oh, baseball. Yeah, you're just going to have one weird picture of you. It's a great softball series. It's already going to be a softball rival.

If you're refusing to give the people Oklahoma, Arkansas. off that is. Which, by the way, among all the bullshit that's happening here, I am so ready for the baseball and softball that is about to ensue

out of this amalgamation. Oh, I'm finally a dad. All right, Florida gets Georgia, Tennessee, Kentucky. Again, they will hardly have to leave by 75. Congratulations on all your success. Somebody has to play Kentucky.

LSU gets Alabama, Mississippi State, and Oklahoma. This is the weirdest one. their LSU Bama is right and then other than that they don't play any of their 18 semi-rivals but they also like

This is another fine baseball series I feel like LSU goes out of its way to be like yeah we don't care about Arkansas that much Sure Yeah we know what they do to the trophy I think we've I think what we're doing is listening to LSU with this schedule

Yeah you said you don't have rivals Yeah Well also this is two teams that it will be very funny for LSU to hamstring and one team that will be very funny for them to hamstring LSU. To be clear, I do think MSU is a good pick here. So I think

Yeah, I think so too. Yeah. Texas A&M gets Texas, Arkansas, Ole Miss, something old, something new, and something borrowed. Something woo. Something woo. Texas Ole Miss is so many

kinds of white people. Oh, vibes check. Oh, it's A&M, Ole Miss, sorry. same thing same yeah these are like well Texas A&M getting

Texas Arkansas Ole Miss is the three types of rich people fancy rich people not fancy rich people and fake rich people I love it when you don't pretend to be nicer than the rest of us

let's see that gives Auburn Alabama Georgia and Mississippi State Auburn's just which again with the LSU this is two teams that Auburn can ankle bite and one team that can ankle bite Auburn.

I mean, the problem with Auburn schedule is that Auburn has to play it. Yeah, but every once in a while, that seems to work out really well for us. I would like to point out, we didn't preserve LSU Auburn as much as we said that was important. This is exactly the right choice for Auburn, all things considered. Yeah. Arkansas, we have Texas A&M, Texas, and Ole Miss. Again, and this is not, this is not, I want to emphasize, this is not what we were trying to do with Missouri and jammed them back into the Big 12 what they would belong.

This feels like returning Arkansas to its natural habitat. So if I had taken Missou because there's a trophy game, then what does Old Miss end up with, like Ole Miss Kentucky or Old Miss Vandy or something? No one cares about that. Yeah. You could actually end up with Ole Miss South Carolina. Whatever. Those are two teams.

What are we down to? Georgia, Missouri, Kentucky. Fine. So that's competitive balance. There. Have some competitive balance. Also, do something real stupid to Georgia. Kentucky, by the same token, gets Florida, South Carolina, and Vandy.

Ole Miss, Mississippi State, Texas, A&M, Arkansas. Vandy gets Tennessee, Kentucky, Missouri, which looks like Vandy's schedule right now. Anyway. Black and go, What was that awful old-fashioned Commodores chant at the Yukon game from like the 1900s? Oh, yeah, I don't remember.

Show your gold. Yeah, that's right. Mississippi State gets the spicy combo of Ole Miss, LSU, and Auburn. It's just bad forever. Well, yeah, because that's so different. This is a fighty schedule. It's very much stay where you are. Stay where you belong.

Hold still. Yeah. And Mizzou gets Oklahoma, South Carolina, and Vanderbilt, which considering how we all feel about Mizzou, doesn't feel that bad. I think this is fine. I think Mizzou would like the chance to be in Oklahoma. This is easy. Why are you complaining?

The only thing I have felt about this, and I've said this previously in other places, is it's the third game that is always the like, I guess we'll do this. Like so many of these, the first two, I'm like, yeah, those are good. like we should play those every year games and the third one i'm like i guess we'll play that every year i guess so sure i don't really see the point of it do we want to do something real weird and advocate for a thing where it's like two permanent rivalry games and one every other year rivalry game and you sure three a three b because this could get weirder i would also be fine if we just said like just two you know what it should be when when i was when i was applying to college if you

wanted to room with somebody in housing at florida both of you had to put each other's names on because in this old paper form that was like here's the dorm i'm requesting and here's the roommate and if you didn't both put the name in you didn't get played you didn't get to uh room with each other i think the cc should say all right everybody send us your list of who you think your rivals are oh charlie brown valentine's day and every time there's a match if you both think your rivals you are and if that means Auburn has, if that means

Auburn has five permanent opponents every year, that's what it means. If it means Vanderbilt has no permanent opponents, that's what,

like, I don't think we have to be equal about it. That's a good point. Like, we're imposing a metric that doesn't necessarily have to exist.

I like Vandy being Ronans. Well, it's like, because Jason has said, like, the competitive balance part of this, like,

the NFL very specifically is like, we're just, we're just going to pair you up outside of your division. we're going to pair you up with who basically was as good or bad of you of you of the other divisions that you happen to be playing that year but i think we should just lean completely away from that and just say like yeah if you want if you both want to be part of this mess you should get to be part of that mess on a regular basis it's the who you want system because like if um if i'm a smart athletic director i'm just writing vandy's name

nine times and hoping that they write your name back yeah at least once but um you know and just telling the boosters like yeah i know yeah there's a there's a trophy that you paid a lot of money to like rub rich people um blood on or whatever you know like yeah i get it there's this there's there's some series that your great great granddaddy fought in the coal mines for too fucking bad we're not playing it we're trying to win the conference we're going to play vandy nine times. Like, I don't give a shit about history and all that. We're trying to beat Vandy.

Yeah. You don't tell everybody like, hey, our conference includes Oklahoma and Texas now because history and tradition are the important thing in the SEC. Stop lying. Just stop lying to each other. One thing a lot of these people don't ever have to do is, you know, they're not often pressed, they're not often presented with situations in which they're pressed for an answer. Right. So put the, you know, put the question to them directly, you know, would you rather

have this history or would you rather have the dubs? Right. And, you know, make them choose. Yeah. I mean, do it the Big Ten did. Add Rutgers. So this, this process was, I think, tricky, but not all that tricky because, because of the Big A and the Southwest. Like, there's enough sort of old history here that we can sort of pull some connections back together. Who played in the Rose Bowl most recently? You're looking at. Not UCLA, that's for sure. UCLA at Rose Bowl? It's been a while.

When was the last time UCLA played in the Rose Bowl that wasn't a UCLA home game? Let me look. Didn't it happen in like 0-4, 06, something like that? I'm going to look. I know they did it twice in the 90s at least. Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. The last Rose Bowl,

that UCLA played in was on January 1st, 1999 when they lost to Ron Dane's Wisconsin team. There's one. And then 1994, server is correct. They lost

to a different Wisconsin team. There's one rival. It's only because Wayne Cook was banged up in the game. They would have done it had Wayne been healthy. I'm sure of that. Yep. Yep.

Yeah, they have, yeah, they don't play in a lot. They have not played in a lot of modern Rose Bulls.