Shutdown Fullcast - Rolling Dice To Fill Every Open College Football Coaching Gig

Episode Date: December 1, 2021

Can we roll dice in order to fill not just the Oklahoma and Notre Dame jobs, but every single open head coaching job in FBS? (The answer: Yes, but it might end up with Lane Kiffin coaching at a genuinely shocking destination.)  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

$8,000 of fireworks, $10,000 of fireworks, $10,000 of fireworks, and a legal retainer. Welcome to the shutdown fullcast. Are you okay? Yeah, those are some weird noises you made. You are listening to the internet's only college football podcast. I am Spencer Hall. I am joined by basketball officiado Holly Anderson,

who you heard yelling the ball is tipped. That was not me. No. That is so mean. Why would you say that? Also joined by our other co-host, Ryan Nanny, in beautiful Nashville, Tennessee. How are we doing, Ryan? The emotional crew of the entire show. I'm sorry that I sang while you were doing the welcome. I'm sorry that I did that. You too sang? We had a chorus going. Holly didn't do anything. I did it. And in beautiful Kennesaw, Georgia, as always, Jason Kirk. Jason, how are you recovering from our trip to Michigan? I am not always in Kennesaw, Georgia.

I am allowed to leave. There is not a force field of any sort that I know of. How was the trip, by the way? It's wonderful. It was fucking awesome. Great. What happened? So Ohio State lost really badly.

So our car was stuck in the middle of the street is the thing. And Jason had the brilliant idea to just start yelling Midwestern names out the window until we could get the attention of the driver, a lady, to turn her car around. around. And so we had a festive few minutes of being like, Sharon, Susan, Denise. And you may think this is a joke, but then we got to Deborah and her head whipped around and we got her to move her. I was going to say Brenda, which I feel is like just Deborah sort of flipped. We thought it was going to be Linda. We really had high hopes for Linda. I was I was hoping Barb, but we didn't get a barb. Barb. It's just fun to say.

So Ohio State lost, and then that, of course, was the thing the cornerstone pulled out that caused the toppling of what we consider to be the entire power structure of college football, at least coaching-wise. I'm going to blame Ohio State for this because it's fun to blame Ohio State for things. Y'all, I was doing a show last night when that Brian Kelly thing broke. What Brian Kelly? So Brian Kelly is now the head coach at LSU. Surprise! What? If you get your news from this podcast, first.

of all, God help you. Second. There are far worse places. Listen, it will be late and it will be of questionable efficiency, but it won't be outright lies. Yeah, what was it, three, four, five years ago when someone revealed that we were the ones who broke to them like eight months later that Bob Stoops had retired. Well, I'll tell you this, the information ecosystem has taken such a downturn in that time

that I now feel good for that person if we are their lifeline to the world because I trust us more than I trust most things they could be learning from. That's right. And that's sad. These push alerts, they want to get you the news fast and they don't necessarily tell you, you know,

who knows if it's accurate, but the trusty old shutdown forecast once a week, we'll tell you whatever we happened to remember happened in the last three to four days, maybe. Three to four months, years, is. Yeah. I'm a handy demonic for this one.

Frankly, even our jokes, which again, we've never told a joke. All we do is actually describe reality and then it happens. Even our jokes are accurate. I did. Yeah, like if I were to say, Coach who's cool with your players punching your girlfriends goes to a school that's cool with your players punching your girlfriends, that wouldn't be a joke.

No, no, that wouldn't be a joke at all. Yeah, that is a handy mnemonit. Yeah. Or that I did joke that Lincoln Riley, looked a lot like D.B. Cooper. Who else got the bag after getting on a plane and exiting at a place that people did not think he would exit? That is correct.

Lincoln Riley and D.B. Cooper. The parallels are real. This only works if, like, the other passengers on the plane were all salty that D.B. Cooper, oh, he promised he'd stay on our plane. He promised he, we believed to D.B. Cooper as a passenger. We don't know that wasn't the case. Like, after eight hours or so, then I might have been like, that dude's sick. he's got the whole plane in control

he's in a badass suit he's going to jump out of the back in his hands he's got the whole plane and couldn't no no no that's executive decision now yeah that's

that's the Clint Eastwood movie that I was trying to hop into like three weeks ago is Clint Eastwood an executive decision are you thinking of in the line of fire is that what you're thinking of? No hang the fuck on

I think you're thinking I will always say that you're thinking of every which way but loose because that is the only Clint Eastwood movie that people should think of. Phil's it, man, he did unforgiving. Okay, that's not the Clint Eastwood movie I'm thinking of. What's the Clint Eastwood movie I'm thinking of?

Describe it. He's like a secret service agent. Yeah, in the line of fire. But not in the line of fire. There's another one. There's another one? I mean, it doesn't sound surprising that Clint Eastwood has done the same thing repeatedly.

Spy Kids, too. God! He's not in Spy Kids. Was he? No. He would have smacked one of the spy kids. You can't put Clint Eastwood in spy kids. You're a mouthy little brat, aren't you smack?

Clint Eastwood actually chose to work with animals instead of children. Remember, never worked with animals and children. He actually chose to work with an orangutan before he made a movie with a child. Because it's cool if you give an orangutan a cigarette. And it's not cool if you do that to an eight-year-old. I like that in that movie, Clint-Ecliffe. Unless you're at a South Carolina game, then you can give an eight-year-old. year old the beer and a sicker and bring a ring a tank in the stadium yeah you're gonna need

one especially if you're getting flattened 30 nothing listen toby the third it's a hard life being a game cox fan you need to get you need to learn coping mechanisms right away there is no last name there you know what your self father was absolute power absolute power oh yeah okay i will just i will just say this i think he's not a secret service agent he is a jewel thief who witnesses a woman being shut up spencer this isn't about you he's a jewel thief who witnesses a murder of a woman by secret service agents yeah wow oh thank god but that's not murder at 1600 right that's another movie that's completely different what no i'm just i so he has no you're thinking of the general's daughter yes he's played secret service and anti-secret service

while also making movies about both sides of World War II. And made a movie about Richard Jewel and one about American sniper. So that movie, the General's Daughter... Talk about having trouble with the curve. Am I right, Clint? It came out,

General's daughter came out when I was living in Taiwan and they used to do the hand-painted. Like, they still do the thing where they would have somebody paint the movie poster on the side of the theater. And consequently, they varied widely in quality. And the General's daughter let's see you say hey hey you want to talk shit that i'm laughing at something completely different do you guys

know his name his character's name in in the line of fire what yeah they definitely let him make up his own name for this movie because this guy i had to double check his name is secret service agent frank horrigan horrigan horrigan horrigan horrigan oregon frank's a horrigan no like like college basketball coach ass name but with Oh, boy. Yeah. Also, your title is not secret service agent, you dipshit. So the movie poster for General's Daughter, the one in Taiwan, this was on one of the low-quality theaters.

Guess what his name was in the Outlaw Josie Wales? What? So on the side, they had painted. Frank Horrigan. Duncan, Idaho. Steve Adazio. That'd be amazing if his name was Steve Adazio. There was a straight capitalization that made me think his appearance, his character's name,

in Escapade in Japan was Dumbo pilot, but he's actually the pilot of an aircraft named Dumbo. It kind of... Dumbo pilot be the addition to Becany and Dela? And Leon? Dila and Leon. Why did Daila just get completely

abandoned? That was classic middle child shit from y'all. Yep. Yep. Yeah. So anyway, the poster said, the general is daughter in English on the side. Oh, okay. The general is daughter. So that movie will never be anything but general as daughter. Also, the Trevolta on the side kind of looked like a blobfish like I invite you listen talk shit I invite

you to paint John Travolta in a convincing way can't don't don't don't criticize art if you can't make it the general is that how it works I don't think that's how it works listen I just want Spencer to paint John Travolta okay you're either on board with this you're not okay I'll I'll buy in I'll buy like do you want to you want to release our greatest merch item ever or not Jason I'll go along with this Just for the prophets How could John Travolta Sue? It won't look anything like him

Okay, his character in absolute powers named him is Luther Luther. Luther Whitney. Yeah. Luther! So... Does he make up all his own names?

I think he does. I really think he does. All right. I would just name myself Parker in every film and say it like I was Jason Statham. He's Pardner and Paint Your wagon parka i wanted to ask okay so right now we we have a couple of openings that would be a great note to hand over to somebody as you jumped out of a plane parka no dumbo pilot dumbo pilot um leave him

wondering i wanted i wanted to ask wanted to ask ryan i'm done real quick yeah are you okay with Billy Napier? Are you with me and the like mature like sure? Oh, shit. Yes. Only because I was, I've been thinking about everything that's transpired over the last day, week, 48 hours.

Who's to say? Time has no meaning in coaching cycles in good times. Like one of the best coaching hires of, I don't know, the last four years is Sam Pittman at Arkansas. I think that's probably an accurate assessment. Like, I'm not going to say he's the best,

but certainly has worked out very well. So I don't really trust my own judgment in terms of like, did we get the big name guy? Yeah, I have no faith in my own judgment here. Like, it's, I suspect there is so much other shit that has to do with like, what kind of staff do they build, what kind of support that they have. Do they get lucky or not? That like, yeah, sure.

Boring. Give us a take. I don't have one. I lack takes today. I'm sorry. I have a fridge, though. So, how is the kick, how is the kick dent height? Kickable, very kickable, but that's fine. I'm good with that.

No, I'm asking, like, if your foot fits comfortably in it. Your foot should always fit the kickd in it. Yeah, I think so. I don't think it's enough to get like a good toehold to actually climb the fridge. But give it time. We'll make it. We'll make this a climbable fridge one day. I guess all fridges are climable if you really got the want to.

Yeah. Yeah. So we have openings here, okay? And rather than do the thing, the responsible thing that other podcasts might do where they speculate. Can I do a meta thing real quick? Which of these openings do you think will be filled by the time we publish this episode? Oklahoma. Okay.

Wow. Okay. Oklahoma. Yeah. Okay. We'll have all this fun. We'll do all this work. And they'll hire somebody.

while we're talking. What school doesn't have an opening right now, but will by the time we publish this episode. Cincinnati. Okay. That's pretty good. Yeah. I was like saying Old Miss just to hear Old Miss fans swan diving off of the nearest tall building.

Well, this is how we get Lane Kiffin to Notre Dame. Yeah. All right. Lane Kiffin won the Cardinals job from Cliff Kingsbury in a game of poker. That's entirely possible. It is possible by that shit. I'm not sure who I would trust less in a poker game out of those two, honest to God.

They'd forget the rules. But for different reasons, yeah. Yeah, they'd forget the rules. I assume Cliff knows the rules to like a fuck it up degree, right? Like he's memorized him 99.9% and that's when you get in trouble. Whereas Lane, rules don't matter.

Yes, Lane's not even looking at his cards. It's faith not work. Chips. Chips. Give me more or less. done did I win yeah I'm all in please stop throwing the touchdown sign up

lane hands not even over I'm all in and that's how you rattle a guy like cliff right yeah pissed off and leaves and lane has won't or you tell him you can see his pores oh god that's so unnerving don't tell a pretty person that oh my god all you have to say to cliff king deserve our scorn all you have to say to cliff kingsbury

have you started using a new product that's it oh you're a bitch that is so mean that is so catty and mean you um i wanted to see if we could we could do a little bit of a role playing game all right um i have designed i have designed a trap this is my design all right and we will see what we can do each of you is going to be assigned a school okay the big schools do get to go first so the first one and i'm going to going to assign. Ryan, I'm afraid you are going to get, um, you're going to explain the rules. Yes, I am. So everybody is going to be assigned a school. Right now, you can see this is a note. It says Oklahoma. Oklahoma right now is being played by Holly. Holly, Holly, you get to hire for Oklahoma. Congratulations. Jason Kirk. Jason Kirk. You are going to be the AD at Notre Dame. Notre Dame. Okay. Finally, some leadership. Um, you are going to be. You are The search firm, Jason.

That's what Jack Swarbrick said. I know. I am the Senate. Ryan. Because the schools that we have sort of run into the mid to less than mid at this point. I want you to prepare yourself. But I also want you to play this in character if you can. And I only say that because the first choice you have is Fresno State, baby.

Okay. Okay. Ow! Okay. All right. You get to be Fresno State. Jason? Oh, no.

I was thinking Fresno had filled their hole, but no, their hole was created by their coach filling Washington's hole. That is correct. Kailen DeBauer, who went to Washington. Holly, you have a second team. I'm going to give you Oklahoma and Duke. Oh. You're going to be hiring to replace Cut. Thank you.

Okay. so Duke you were going to pick for them I'm going to give just like Clint Eastwood Jason I'm going to give you this next one because I have to give Ryan the other one Troy right now has an opening okay so you will be picking for Troy as well for those who don't know that is not USC that is Troy in Alabama although you should definitely consider Clay Hilton yes so I have the Irish and the Trojans to mythical legendary people who I'm playing to your strengths here okay we're going we're going with mythological histories many many stories we're told of these people who

allegedly existed but we want to be clear Ireland has never existed Ireland of course we're just still searching for it and Ryan I am going to give you my favorite of this temple you are going to be hiring for you're going to be hired for Philly baby oh Jenny? Hold on. Let me go get the check. Fresno and Philly. Fresno and Philly are sister cities who make out with each other.

Ryan, I'm flapping. Okay. So the order that we... Not in any of the usual ways. The order that we are going to go in, okay? Is we are going to go, Holly, Jason... You look really upset. Holly, Jason, Ryan.

And the way that we're going to do this is... You know, Ryan can't hear the rules. Because he left. He really did leave to go get his jacket. You went to get his jacket. Okay. He's back. He's back.

All right. Note he is wearing it over. He's wearing over his arms, no arms in sleeves. Like he's like a cool guy, yeah? It's kind of warm today. So I just, I'm going to wear it like a cape. Yeah. Okay.

Are you saying the heat is on? The H's out. Yes. We are going to go in a specific. order because I think it should reflect that I only get Fresno St. Temple? That is it everybody gets to, yeah, there's like seven

schools right now that are open. Now, of course in the process of doing this, if you select a head coach from another team will open something up. They come into play. Okay, so we will introduce them and I will assign it to one of you and then you will be picking for them. So for instance, for instance.

So the quickest way to end this game would be to pick all coaches who are not currently employed, right? Yeah, you could do that. I don't really care if we could, or we could, or this game could last forever. Hey, Cerber, how do you like that? 20 minute episode, buddy. Woo! Now, I have, I have this, though, okay?

There are a couple of wrinkles. Oh. So we're going to go in turns. The order's going to be Holly, Jason Ryan. Holly, as Oklahoma, will select first. I assumed that because, one, Oklahoma, big dog, they're going to eat first. Additionally, on the extremely insane scale that I have assigned all point values, okay? Oklahoma is going to be very persuasive.

When we roll our virtual 20-sided die to decide whether you have accomplished something, Oklahoma's power is going to ensure that the roles are going to be pretty successful. So, for instance, in this turn order, when you select a candidate, you're going to have to roll to see if they are interested. For Oklahoma, that will mean attaining a threshold of five, okay? Because most people are going to be interested in the Oklahoma job. Now, Ryan, when you have Temple, Temple is going to be a higher threshold. okay but we'll give you that's up to about 12 for temple so most people won't be

interested in the temple job but if you roll above a 12 for your candidate then they'll be off the board for you right if you roll under 12 if you roll over a 12 okay cool we're going to attempt a contract we'll roll again and we'll see you know whether you're going to make it happen and then after every single turn there's going to be a random event that changes the ecosystem this stack of randoms I have in my hand. Oh, I created something very bad for us in that stack. Which anyone can see may or may not affect the higher you just attempted to make.

Okay? I have randomized and selected them. I will be peeling them off one by one. This is the dorkiest thing you've ever done and I love it. Yes. Yes. So we will be going in order. So the order will be Holly as Oklahoma will be picking first.

She will pick a candidate. She can, I don't really care. You could do currently employed, unemployed, unemployed. No mythical figures, no fictional figures. Coach Taylor is not eligible. Before I really knew the rules, I had decided to try and challenge myself

by picking only guys who hadn't coached this past year, but I don't want this game to end too fast. Apologies to Jim Levitt. There is one last wrinkle here. One last wrinkle. I'm holding a note card in front of the camera. You could say, Hi, everybody.

Actually, Florida International is the Joker here. Right here, I have steals. Steels. steals each person without penalty and at any point may steal someone else's coach. You could just take it, okay? Everybody gets two. That's a lot. It is a lot.

So wait, could I just fill my voids by just stealing their candidates? But then could we steal them back? That's right. You have two. It's like a white elephant a little bit. Are they always successful? Steals are always successful. we're just going to like and then it's a question of whether you want to spend one of your steals to get your guy back

that is correct that is correct okay so we're if you said you know what you know what it was a it was a decent tenure but we're we're looking forward to moving on from our sorry i era i think i think todd graham is interested in the temple chop steel all right so all the name of buffalo's current coach is also made up what is it maurice linguist And I believe... That is a crying of lot 49 character. He is either in English or comm major, as I recall. Awesome. That's fantastic. Okay. So, we're going to begin with Oklahoma's athletic director, Holly Anderson.

Holly, who are you selecting? Now, Oklahoma has not run a curching search. It's curching, a curfurtian search. That's a great start. Oklahoma is not running a coaching search since, what, 98? 99, yeah. And when they do hire coaches, they have tended in that data set of two hires towards a young guy, a play caller.

But this is an unusual scenario. And in order to get back up and running as quickly as possible, I think they're going to overvalue administrative experience. So what I'm thinking about here is a candidate who has coaching experience in three different power conferences over the past decade or so, a guy who also has NFL experience. A guy who has head coaching experience in the SEC where Oklahoma is going to find itself. In 2023, sure. And most importantly, an instant ready-to-go meme to let that social media team hit the ground running. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Hokohama era.

Good. Sorry to San Diego State. Oh, my God. To cost you Brady Hoke and Matarazza in one season. Brady Hoek. Hoaglahoma. Hoke, LaHoma. The pohokes.

A hoax are their hated rival. So, so the threshold of five to exceed. I'm going to roll that. And you have zero. Sorry. Oh, 10. That's 10. I'm sorry.

It's came up zero for a second. No, you're a 10. So yes, Brady Hoke. Brady Hoke is interested. Brady Hoke, make up the terms of your contract. How much you want to give Brady Hoke to do this job? Oh, to get him back to the power five. That's the thing.

I don't even think you're going to have to spend that much. Right, right. So you want to low ball him? Oh, yeah. Like 3.5 a year. 3.5 a year. Yeah. I was going to go like $350,000, but you know.

All right. 3.5 a year. Okay, we're going to see if we get that and Brady Hoke is now the coach with a passing roll and a $3.5 million salary making him the lowest paid coach in the Big 12. Worth every penny. Easy. Brady Hoke will do it for a dollar less than the competition as it stands. However, however, the random event for this.

round oh no there's one for every already yeah oh yeah we're in a random event there's a challenge to every hire yes there's a challenge to every hire yeah you ready i picked i picked out a couple of these and i didn't know this now some of these impact the hire and some of them do not some of them change the ecosystem and some of them do not okay random event number one agent lied to everyone wow everyone okay in which direction all of them The deal falls The deal falls through completely No! No! Yes, there is no...

Wait, I can't roll for that? You know what, we can let you roll for it. What are the rules? Let's see. Well, this is Oklahoma, so you're very persuasive, right? So I think in order to... But he really wants to get out of... He'll take it to get out of the...

What did the agent lie about? Everything. This was actually... So it's not actually Brady Hoke? It's some other guy? When I said Agent Lied to everyone... It's John Hoke. You've accidentally signed John Hoke.

Yes. You signed John Hoke. He signed Brady Anderson, former outfielder for the Baltimore Orioles in the 1990s. The guy who flew too close to the sun in terms of hitting home runs. We were cool when it was like Barry Bond's hitting 70. Then this dude hit 50 and we're like, hang on, hang on. So who is the aggrieved party here? I will tell you, by the way, that you needed over a five because Oklahoma is very powerful.

God, you'd be a terrible dungeon master. You just skated out of six. Okay. Just skated. What kind of dungeon? What does that mean? yeah that means you were able to heal the wounds you were able to go ahead and say okay the agent lied but let's not let that scotch a good deal

all right who's agent lied about what doesn't matter this actually happened like this actually happened in a very recent hire then why can't you have a better backstory skunked everyone okay yeah so I think we're gonna wait on the the wiki community to fill out the lore a little bit and now you the listener take this to your friends and filling the gaps It's the first interactive shutdown forecast episode. It's in the cell Malarian. All right, we have, right now we have Brady Hoke at Oklahoma. Brady Hoke.

Remember, everyone has two steals. Can I ask a question? Yes. If you steal, do you get that coach at the negotiated salary? Like, if somebody tries to steal Brady Hoke, are they getting him at $3.5 million? I'm going to go ahead and say that it would be impossible to steal for the same. So you would have to pay him. Now, I will also allow for comedic...

I want to be clear. Temple can't pay $3.5 million, so it's not really... If you want to pay him $3.5 million and one, if you want to pay three, five... Prices right this shit. If you want to pay him a dollar more to go to Temple on this deal, that is absolutely fine with me if that's what you want to do. It would be very funny. Okay.

But you are not next, Temple. No, I just want to ask. I can't believe y'all going to rob me in my memes like that. So next, Jason. Jason, you will be selecting for the University of Notre Dame. So there's a very successful coach available. First full season with his team, they're number nine in the country. Peruvian national recruiter, NFL experience.

That's a really boring thing to say. Notre Dame folks like boring stuff. Post-Bible verses all the time. Lane Kiffin is your new head coach of the Fighting Irish. I telegraphed this one long. I feel great about it. um yeah there there's no downside here i a few noterdame fans have expressed dismayant concern oh he'll burst on fire soon as he walks soon as he walks in the mass and whatever like

you hired lou holds settle down you employed brian kelly as long as you possibly could newt rockney never told the truth in his life settle down what is what is lane kiffin's like entrance gimmick when he takes the notre dame job like what's he doing at the press conference he can wear a little green suit sure I guess okay so what we need I'm not I'm not Irish but I'm feeling pretty lucky he's gonna walk into shipping up to Boston

right he's like that's a song they always play I why is he wearing Celtics tearaways I actually think he's gonna come down in like an MTV moon man style spacesuit but it's gonna be fleece line because he's just so cold I have rolled for you to see if Lane Kiffin is interested it you needed to exceed a five jason holy shit you at a 17 lane kiffin picked up the phone

stumbled over a table did a pratfall and was like hello notre dame in front of old miss staffers this lane oh kiffin at that point yes that is lane oh kiffin is it lano or that's what i'm sure i'm certain at some point in college who's called lando calrificing kiffin yes yes uh make him an offer make him an offer what do we got uh we're private school so i don't have to divulge that question mark question mark question that's between you and god that's right it's yeah me god and lane kiffin you mean the catholics own the deed to the azoors yeah i will tell you lane whatever this number was he just he was just barely okay with just stuck a 69 onto the end of it and he was like

yeah he wasn't convinced until you made it dot 69 and then he he was okay okay so right now Notre Dame has selected Lane Kiffin now this enters a new wrinkle which is that we have an open job that open job we have two yes we do we have San Diego State thank you I was I was thinking the open job being San Diego State and Ole Miss is just sort of we're just gonna we don't have to think about Ole Miss anymore we're finally ready for award absolutely not I'm going to go ahead and assign old miss to Ryan you are picking for Old Miss as well.

Classic Old Miss. So you are now in charge of three schools. Congratulations. You are a consulting firm. I'm going to go ahead and give San Diego State. I've been mean to Stephen Godfrey online, so I think I'm more than qualified to run the Old Miss coaching search.

And Jason, I am going to go ahead and give you San Diego State to continue our... Jason only does the ones that are in the game civilization. Right now you have left the Trojans and the Aztec. The Aztecs, Like the Irish, we're a real people, though. That's right. Yes, that's correct.

Correct. Right now, we are going to go ahead and move on to Ryan. No random event here. We do have random event. Sorry. I'm already messing up the order. Thank you. We forgot.

We didn't design his homework. I'm telling you, we're making. Don't we have a, don't forget, we have a quiz tomorrow. I mostly want to get. Northwestern nanny. I mostly want to get to Holly's random event to see what it is. um the bell hasn't rang oh there is a third school

in play by the way a third new school because the random event was Kirk Ferrence retires Iowa's open baby there goes my San Diego state plan handed was my whole San Diego state

you were gonna hire Brian you were gonna hire Brian for instance oh god yes now I can for eight million dollars so we have you got a really high roll you could coax

out of retirement to San Diego State, right? You would just have to roll for it. That's true. Yeah. Maybe I'll give that a shot. In my understanding of these rules that I've just developed. Ryan, you will be selecting for Fresno State. Hot damn.

All right. I would like to offer the Fresno State job to Alabama defensive coordinator Pete Golding. I don't know who's going to be happier about that. Because he's just got, I just love his Fresno State vibes, man. Okay. I just love him. He just needs to leave. Like, that life is going to kill him.

Yeah. I'm not saying anything about his play calling. He just needs to leave. It's never going to be happy there. So with a role of 11 on a proposed role of 10 to see if interest, okay? You pick up the phone and you say, hey, listen, it's Fresno calling, baby. You want, mama's calling. You want to come home.

And Pete Golding answers. And this is official. Pete Golding has to answer. with uh-huh that's it yeah mama okay cool cool you got got you got

team that's what Pete that's what Pete Golding says he is interested make him an offer Ryan I'm gonna offer Pete Golding a million dollars a year flat yeah I like that I like that's a rich man that's so much beer

it's very much like what would a 12 year old bank is a lot of money. And a million dollars here is a lot of money, to be clear. Listen, we're bloggers, man. Oh, my God. I'm so, you're sorry, can I see if I point my camera at the screen and they see the number? Yeah, your strategy. No, here, hold on.

I got it. I got it. Your strategy has worked beautifully. Yes. You rolled the 19, you literally Pete heard a million and he was like, dude, that's fuck you, money. That means I can say, you at the liquor store that's right pete pete do you know how many kayaks that buys shit man

you'll be fucking you'll have a garage full of kayaks do you know how many trucks you can buy for a million dollars like four of them can you spot me gas money i'm gonna start driving right now yeah i just bought four trucks i need gas money to drive my trucks no one by one Pete Golding being late for work because he blocked himself in in the driveway with his other truck and he had to pull the truck out. My playbook was in truck one and truck four was blocking in truck one. Welcome to Christmas morning in Fresno when it's time again for Pete Golding's Christmas parade of trucks and kayaks.

My third truck is actually named Beckany. Does my eighth truck, Torkas? I'll call him that. because he's got pork. I also, let's note that Bama is now building a Ryan Nanny statue for... I am the most popular person on Alabama internet. Is there, instead of a...

Okay, can I throw a curveball and instead of a random event generator this round, just Bama just writes Ryan a $500 million check? I was, if he was going to fail this role, I was just going to make up a Sabin multiplier where you got an instant re-roll, and he was like, hey. Listen, Saman call.

Off him 1.2, I'll kick in half of it just to get him out of it. Saving calls and says, make it two million, all right. I'm good for half of it. I'll get you some afflack. We'll get you a policy. Throw it on top of that. It's tax free, tax exempt. It's term.

Wow, Ryan, I am, your AD skills are amazing. Hey, thanks. I'm impressed with everyone so far. You guys are doing great work so far. We're going to come back around to Holly, who now has to choose. She's been given a new assignment in the form of

Iowa, but that is to come. We're going to go in order and you're going to select for Duke. I'm going to do something really boring here because it is, let's see, it is 521 on Tuesday, November 30th. And so as of this moment, the Duke

job is not filled yet. Spencer, what is it? We have a random event. God fucking damn it. Holy shit. yet it's good that he remembers and he gives you the setup first and then he's like but first

sorry sorry we do have a random event and uh this random event is simply he actually put the first one back on the stack and he pulled cork ference retires again which i actually believe the bears what the bears okay because the bears and all of their

infinite wisdom have come in said you know what this Pete Golding he's some hot stuff fuck yeah yeah yeah just bought a truck fuck you did he really does look like a bears coach so right now right now Fresno's got a clear a 10 in order to get this in order to make a counter in order to fight off the Chicago right off the Chicago Bears you extruded Matt Patricia through a tube I think you would get Pete Golding hey listen brother some people are just born for the Valley okay and with a roll of

16 you clear it oh yeah golding turns down the Chicago Bears that's right fuck off bears fuck the shields but but but but but I am to go ahead and introduce this that the bears do hire matt campbell out of iowa state so now iowa state is open they moved along from pitt goulding to matt campbell i would also i would also propose this i think i now have to at least pay pete goulding two million dollars a year i think i had i think i had a double pete colding salary to keep him i think that's a fair saving that's like 12 trucks uh yeah for any other coach you'd have to pay like nine million but like balding brain oh my god two million geez we'll double the amount of trips you can take

to the go cart that's like two of me that's awesome listen fresno pete golding is a revelation so happy you did this listen i really hope this is the one thing we've speak we've spoken to do existence in the future iowa state Iowa state is going to go to just gave me Iowa yeah yeah no i'm going to give it to jason jason i think that's a conflict of interest there if you're getting holly both sides you will be selecting for iowa state you will be selecting for iowa state uh so congratulations ryan some pithy fuck i'm good fuck i'm good holly for duke i am sorry i interrupted i'm going to do something super boring because i really think one of the names that is being kicked around again as of

this recording hasn't actually happened yet um i think jeff munkin would be kind of awesome ooh at duke and that is one of the names that we have heard been picked around. I don't know if that's actually going to happen yet or what. I know there were some agitation for Will Healy and whatnot, but I'm genuinely interested to see what a monk and offense might look like with the personnel of beloved David Cutcliffe and my precious blue devils. He picks up the phone. You say, hey, it's Duke, and he says, big daddy monk here. He is, with a roll of 15 over a passing of 10, he is extremely interested in this job. Why don't you make this man an offer? Oh, it's Duke.

uh four mill oh oh oh four mil let's see if he's let's see if he's gonna do it you know what four mill ain't enough because he knows duke got money you want you want to make one more offer here yeah six mill because i don't have a budget in this game 13 that's it with a 13 jeff munkin begrudgingly takes your six billion dollars a year to coach duke listen i went from northrop grumman money to tobacco money. Tobacco and hedge fund money. What's not to like?

Six mill a year to coach Duke football. You are picking Iowa, so giving an exorbitant salary for Yeah, we're setting an interesting floor here. I budgeted with Hoke in the first time.

So Brady Hoke is making almost half of what Duke said coached just making. To coach Oklahoma. To Coach Oklahoma. That's fine. I guess Brady Hoax agent shouldn't fly That's true

You know how we keep saying Because they wanted to That's us now That's because we wanted to Random event Random event I was really hoping you can forget I almost did

This is going to be one of my events Oh Is it my event It is your No no I'm sorry Jeff Munkin fabricated Part of his resume That's not my

Yes Needs turn out whether anyone cares We're going to see if you can clear a roll here Jeff Munkin stole Val Oh, it's, it's Duke. They don't care about it. It's immoral. Well, no, man.

Blowing right through that fabricated resume. Actually, my role of a 14 on this indicates that they are more enthusiastic about him after finding out he's been a suspect insider trading. But you're literally accusing him of stealing valor, by the way. And he's not an army anymore, so it's okay. Yeah. Okay.

Also, yeah. Excellent. We are going to move on. to Jason picking for Troy. You will be selecting. Spencer, I have also opened a job. You have opened a job. That is right.

Army is on the board. Army. I'm going to assign. It would be funnier if this went to Jason, but you should probably give it to me because I only have one school now. There you go. We'll give it to you.

You're going to be. Army and Trojans and Aztex. Army is also fake. Troy. You're going to be selecting for Troy, Jason. Okay. So I'm looking for two things here I want someone with

Three things I want someone with conference ties I want to weaken a rival And I want some I want a Trojan All right I'm a Trojan lifer So we're going to go get Clay Hilton May let's see

I gave serious thought To bringing him back for Oklahoma And just closing that loop in this way So first of all let's see if our boys interested You know what He's not interested Can he sweet the deal a little bit

Didn't even make him an offer No no no just you know give him a little something extra there's there's a public's in troy i don't know if there's one in statesborough well this this can be ascertained oh hey listen upon hearing that the who's agent are you are you are you negotiating wait wait wait wait wait wait wait public's coming to statesboro next fall he's got to wait till 2020 october 2020 i'm sorry that man that man's out of that job he's done he's falling you glad we looked he wants he wants to go where shopping is a pleasure Um, so let's see, what's gonna offer Clay Helton, sir?

Uh, or Troy, um, can't, uh, $650,000. Let's see how interested Clay Helton is and working for $650,000. And he is damn interested. His eyes light up. That's more than a million. I want to be clear. Clay Hilton just took a $150,000 pay cut. Ha ha.

Shrewd. I hope to become more clear to the readers if you read. read the roll numbers yes we will in order by the way that he had to get a 10 that was a 16 had to get a 10 to pass that's a 16 he was beyond interested but with the bogos savings at Publix

he'll make up that $150,000 quickly listen I the the Thanksgiving the turkey cranberry subs are on sale right now I just held him up a photo one of those did someone say savings oh no yeah yep yeah sure did yep that's when you put money away I have a hard time doing that.

Is there some way to help me control my financial destiny? Well, Homeville Apparel is running a 20% off sale. Yes. That felt good. Tell me I'm lying. I didn't know what the ad we were going for, honestly. By the time you listen to this, that sale will be done, but you know it won't be done, is the full cast 20% off code, your first order.

And what will always be true is the incredible comfort and good looks and variety of home field apparel's many and wonderful offerings i suspect by this time comes out they will have announced which school will have won the race for the joggers last i checked it was a very tight race between michigan and two lane um just i was always we were like 30th on the list which is nice to know um i don't what would i don't even know what forecast joggers would be like what would we put on your legs tiny donkey honky talk on the butt on the butt yeah tiny donkey tiny donkeys yeah so it probably won't be that sorry uh but yeah you'll you'll have you'll have a new jogger option i am listen i'm very happy that michigan beat ohio state i would i'm not going to buy michigan joggers

i would buy angry wave joggers for sure so like selfishly i want that to be the answer but on the other hand if it's michigan they'll sell like 80 thousand of them conservatively so whatever works speaking of savings If you are the newly hired coach at Troy University and you have to make due on $650,000 a year and you have foolishly given away $150,000 of your salary, you're going to need to make your way back to retirement condition. One way to do that would be to visit acorns.com slash fullcast when you will get $5 in your starting retirement kit and then you can set it up to have more dollars go in it. They'll all be yours from that point on. But the good thing is, the magic of investment stuff, some of the dollars will not have been yours before they became yours.

So that's how retirement works. If you're Clay Helton and you're smart enough to go to Acorns.com slash full cast. If you're Fresno, Pete Golding, you don't need this. You got money. You're not listening. No, man. $2 million? I can live on that forever.

Live hard, die young. I'm Pete Golding. What if Pete Golding lives to like 98? What do you mean if? And we've done something wrong. Then my only worry is that Pete Golding didn't have enough fun. Pete Golding is going to get big into wine, but not intelligently into wine, right? Because he's in Fresno, is like, they got wine here.

What kind of you like, red. Cooking. I like cooking wine. It's my favorite because it gets me cooking. I like table wine because that's where I sleep after I drink it. And if you get acorns.com, you can afford all the table wine you can handle, Pete Golding. Just put it, you could even put it aside in a special investment fund and label it table wine fund. You could do that.

You can call that. You can have, you know, for your kids, you can put aside a table wine fund for each of them under the family plan. You can just be under the early plan, just put it aside. And when they turn 21, you can be like, son, I've given you the gift that only a father can give, table wine for life. as Ernest Gallo did for his children so I now do for you the best head coach in the history of Fresno State football

Pete Golding Vineyard Estates now belongs to you son Why does the cork open on the bottom Because it's like a complete son Chug! Chug! We work with gravity like nature intended The wine keg stands and shit

he drank a keg of wine yeah he just drank a keg of wine yeah he was fucking sick at peak golden wine we bottle this shit after three months because you ain't got time to wait because we bottle it we bottled after three months because this is a good fucking year every year's a good year at peak holding wine be sure you get the march he's out here selling like he's out here selling like he's fucking a car company you got to try the 22's just rolled onto the lot. We got to move these babies. We've got to move them.

Go, go, go. Bring in your old wine. Why does this bottle of wine have a Carfax report? I don't understand. Because it's been through some shit. It needs a good home. Are you a forever home for this wine? Be a colding wine.

This is a good starter wine for your kid, man. It's more of a daily wine. it'll get you through your commute a commuting wine you know we get a lot of traffic here Fresno it takes me a fucking hour

to get to work I need a couple bottles of wine your table wine fund only at acorns.com all right god damn um we had we just had

uh we just had jason just picked so we are going to go ahead and after rehoming clay helton from georgia southern into the public's friendly troy alabama we just made we just gave albert light so that's that's another job we've opened another job now we have opened another job we have opened the georgia southern job uh i am going to go ahead and give that to you ryan but don't worry about that just now okay because right now you are going to be picking for the team that I thought you were most well suited for, and that is Philly's own, Penny's Pride, the Temple Owls. Go birds.

Yeah, I am picking a, not a Philly mainstay, but somebody with Pennsylvania roots and who has coached at a couple big programs in the state, somebody who has head coaching experience that went fine, would certainly be fine from Temple standards and I think might actually take this job like I'm not super confident in that

because it's Temple and it's 2021 but I would like to offer the temple job to Joe Moorhead the offense coordinator at Oregon this is an excellent pick so first of all let's see if Joe Moorhead's interested

okay not feel good about this barely oh with an 11 out of 10 Joe Moorhead God, this is a very realistic game. Barely interested. So we better make a really competitive offer. Okay. I'm going to bring me the corpse of HitchBot.

Well, let's see. Oh, 11 again. I will offer Joe Moorhead. I mean, it's Temple. I don't think I can offer him like more than $900,000. I don't think I can do better than that. Well, listen, that's a middling offer and you get middling interest. But Joe Moorhead needs a gig.

so he's going to take it okay great so Joe Moore had for 900 I like how we're sticking within realish budgets with no real estate I like Holly immediately was like six mill do you want six mil yep yep fuck it it is Duke hey coach Kay is leaving there's a salary you played that in that athletic department you played that in character which I appreciate that Duke was just like what his money you go i'm always here for improv partners um there is one problem though ryan because the random event the random event is booster revolt they're like that guy sucks temple what the fuck yes a booster revolted temple fans revolted both of them all two of them if you are a temple

booster please find me on twitter and i will find anything better to do with your money not in this temple is it like Danny DeVito's character from the show that guy's Frank it's Frank so it started to blast in Ryan

yeah so Ryan starts Blastin yeah boost your bolt yeah we're gonna see if we're gonna see if we're gonna see if

we're gonna see if we're gonna see if armfuls of cheese and night train are going to soothe the saddest okay Brian's going in

to negotiate with the boosters and he needs to really press it oh my god they love the night train with a roll of 19 out of 20. The two boosters at Temple are immediately the biggest Joe Morhead

fans in the world. Ryan. Frank and Charlie are on board. Frank and Charlie. You showed up in the jacket. I did. I said, hey, you got Penny's word on it. You got Penny's fucking word on it. Penny Nanny.

You don't miss. And with 900K and the corpse of Hitchbot, you're convinced Joe Moorhead to come to Temple. Okay, I thought until like three minutes ago when I looked it up that Hitchbott was Christopher Hitchin's severed head just in a jar. It is. It is.

Well, he'd be fine with that. He'd be fine. Sure. And I didn't realize that there was an actual story here. Oh, yeah. That Philly killed Hitchbott. Yeah, that's so sweet. That's great.

Holly, you are up next and you are going to be selecting for, I believe, at this point, Iowa in order, because Iowa was open first. Yeah, fine. Right. You're going to be selecting for Iowa. I'm not prepared for Iowa. I would rather pick for Army at this time. I will allow that. Go ahead. Because Army has to move with speed.

Also, I legitimately feel bad about what I did to Army, even though it's probably going to happen to Army, taking away their very good coach to have him go coach another bully good program. So I thought that I would give them a coach who is used to dealing with having to make something out of nothing and having to work in a weird set of strictures, immense. programs that have a lot more advantages and somebody who deserves better than he has gotten in many stops of his career. Derek Mason, please go coach Army. We will give you defense contractor money to do so. I like this. I like this pick. Yeah. So first of all, let's see if Derek Mason is interested. I mean, he's been at Stanford, so he probably knows a lot of defense

contractors, right? And he's been at Vandy. I also like this because if this works, you have put Brian Harsen entering his first off-season after being there with both coordinators gone since they just fired Mike Bopo. It's great. Oh, I forgot about that. Yeah. Superb. You're doing great work. That's very Auburn.

With a role of 17 out of 20, Derek Mason is agreed. Derek Mason, very interested. Very interested. He wants to hear more. What are you going to offer this, man? Again, he's got those Stanford connections that help him have pull with the defense contractors, none of which, as far as I know, are big-time Army football. boosters, but this is my world now. So let's give Derek Mason

a, oh, let's call it like a $4 million. $4 million. Wow. All right. You really are Gary Barda. Nothing's too good for our troops. Money's not real. Future troops. Yeah.

For four mil. Oh, listen, Derek Mason's not. I rolled a six because I think Derek Mason thinks that that amount is Todry, and he is absolutely right. I would like to re-roll again for like 3.9 million and a drone. You know what?

17. The drone did it. The drone did it. He wasn't so much interested in the money. This isn't like a package drone. This is a drone that can deliver missiles. That's right. The murder really, really, really sealed the deal here.

Okay. The deadly killing power of a drone gave you a 17 out of 20. Derek Mason. The fucked up thing is that an army, they just asked the drone to run the ball. So like. Derek Mason. Derek Mason, staring up at a floating drone, we have a lot to learn from one another. We're not so different.

We do have a crisis, though, in the form of a random event. The random event in this case is this. There is, the town hates the wife. The whole town. Oh, God. What town? The whole town. What town?

West Point. They're just like, ah, boom. I'm not going to do anything to fix this. Go ahead and roll it, and I'm just going to try and weather the storm because this is horseshit. Oh, you just barely passed. That's 10. Yeah, it's okay. The town of the fort hates the wife.

The fort hates the wife. the wife, you know what, and they're reaching on east of wife. This was actually one of my events and we'll explain why later. Yes, because. But Spencer originally came up with the wife hates the town. I'm like, no, no, no, no.

Flip this and just have everyone decide the wife. Goody Mason. I saw her. She can swim. I saw Goody Mason in a Navy shirt. Spencer can't swim and that's how you know he's not a witch. That's correct. It's also how you know he's not an army wife. Jason

Ryan, you are selecting I've been jumped I'm sorry yeah I did jump it is Jason's turn I was right the first time you are selecting this time for you have San Diego State my friend

the mythical theme continues So what we love most here at San Diego State is not scoring points We prefer to play defense and special teams We're going to trust our punter pipeline

I'm going to go out and I'm going to find a guy with California experience experience, number 129 in the nation in offensive snaps, number 122 in adjusted pace, 128 in not throwing the ball downfield, to shorten the stat a little bit. David Shaw knows a thing or two about coaching at a school with high academic standards, and he will be applying that experience here at San Diego State University. God.

We're just eviscerate Stanford. So here we go. I'm mostly mad that we have to fill a Stanford job now. Oh no Here, give me that So with the set I'll fix that With the roll of seven

I'm going to need a little Little sweetener to just even hear this offer Just I'm sending him A highlight tape of our punts from this season And now I Have a hard time Keeping him out of the office

You do because you roll the 13 So he's definitely hearing it Let's see what the offer is We're going to go 1.4 million That's all we got. That's not even golding money. Well, yeah, we're not Fresno State.

We don't have our own vineyards. But not everybody's a golden. Well, listen. Remember, David Shaw. One point four million and Stanford guy, an NFT. Oh, God. We're going to call the wine the golden hour. If it's San Diego State, it has to be an NFT of like a barbed wire tattoo.

NFT of like... It's an NFT of the movie bar barbed wire. This butt I saw at the beach. Yeah. Or of a taco smoking a joint. Yeah, like a walking taco, like an anthropomorphic taco smoking a joint. It's Calvin with its blood out. Calvin piecing on a joint?

I don't get it. Yeah, from like big tacos surf shop. Big tacos. Eat them. David Shaw, by the way, I can't see take anything more like punting in plus territory and passing up on points than taking $1.4 million all the way down from your Stanford salary. You rolled a 19 out of 20 Because David Shaw

Wants this bad Because he's over the 50 and still wants to punt. So yeah, baby. None more San Diego State that David Shaw. Congratulations. You went ahead and did it. This does open up another gig though. We have

Stanford and Holly has requested the full ruination of Stanford football. I have a terrible idea. She will go ahead and take it. San Diego State is off the board. Stanford is now on, said board. Ryan, you are going to be selecting four,

and I expect a themed voice for this. Ole Miss! You're going to be selected the coach at Ole Miss. Daddy, you woke up the dog. I say. God. God, this sucks. I don't.

Now you are in Ole Miss Athletic Director mindset. Yeah. Yeah, okay. What the fuck? All right. I'm looking through my list here. Okay. I think, yep, I think I feel good about this.

I would like to offer the Ole Miss Job to Mac Brown. What is Mac Brown's accent going to be if he coaches in Mississippi? I think it's actually perfect. You think it's going to get worse. He's going to sound like Kate Blanchett in that aviated movie. We're not like of the people. It's going to sound like Cape Fear. I don't ever feel tape.

I believe in small government and big ham. Oh, yeah. It's going to be very midnight in the garden of God. Hello. Small government and long, wet handshakes that last three days. Jesus Christ. I thought going for the field goal when we were down by eight maids else at the time. May I offer you a petiful.

A pet it A potato four A potato four He speaks French Like he speaks Spanish And we all remember how he speaks Spanish Entiente ando So with Old Miss

We have Mac Brown Mac Brown by the way Now that you mentioned it You rolled a 15 out 20 Mac Brown is on that hook Make this man Make this man an offer I only want to offer

from Mac Brown $3 million for this job. Make a Marnet. I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, the Confederate flag. I don't want him to feel actually loved. I want him to know that he is just, not a problem. Ryan, don't you want to let Mac Brown's personality do that for you?

Ryan. Yeah. Apparently, the appeal, the appeal of the grove. How does Ryan keep doing this? The appeal of the grove is simply too much for this one, for this one winter green to resist. The pleasure of your company is simply more than any

money could be valued at. Is that a 20? Yes. You have rolled a 20 out of 20. Mac Brown is actually going to write you a check to take a girl. A critical hit to my heart, milady. That is Ryan rolling two 19s and a 20.

Ryan is on fucking fire. This is the fucking Antietam for your enemies to stay in Ole Miss Parlius. And Ryan, of course, because he is only going to make the situation worse has opened up another job that's right unc is now open unc is going to go to i'm going i'm going to give it right back to ryan here actually there we go it's going to go you got you got to you got to fix the mess you made that's fine yeah you do have to fix the mess you made um actually i'm going to give it to jason because your resume's a little light here okay so we'll go ahead we're

going to go ahead and have you picked that right now because you all i was hoping i could clear out my deck and then clock out but no no no this is uno this is uno you're You just, I'm just going to keep giving you cards. Reverse, reverse. So, yes, you have managed to, we're really bringing coaching salaries down, by the money. Good. Somebody asked you, God, damn it.

For the people. All this money is going straight to children. It's just, we're going to give it to the children's fund for children. We do have a random event, though. Oh, Matt Brown wasn't quite so sure because he got to the grove and it wasn't, it wasn't quite the Fantasia he imagined. And by that, I mean, um, he's still working on the accent.

So he's got cold feet. I need you to see if you can roll another. No, no, fuck it. I'm cutting, I'm cutting bait. Send him back. Send him back. Sending him back. I'm going to fucking want him.

You don't know. That's it. Jason, you're welcome. You don't got to fill the UNC job. What if Stonewall Jackson had gotten cold feet? Actually, that might have saved a lot of trouble. All right, we're going to go to Holly. We'll come back.

Listen, we'll come back to Old Miss. come back to old miss because yeah they missed on the turn mac brown turn it down old miss nobody almost does not negotiate you remember jeff jagzinski at boston college when he had like one interview with the jets and they were like fuck you they fired him again to be like you shouldn't keep a guy who's like i think i want to work for the jets you shouldn't let that person like be around children fuck that molding young minds holly holly um i um i we'll let you do dealer's choice here on who you have to fill here you can select i'm going to take stanford all right because i'm afraid somebody else is going to steal this one before i do

okay is iowa the other school you still have yeah yes okay actually god this pick would work for either of them would you agree that stanford is uh if not the most out of touch school and by out of touch i mean when you're you're talking about the muckety mucks who run the school and have they all kind of run in the same socioeconomic circles, but Stanford's are a degree removed from most of the rest of the conference. And the conference is, you know, is a lot of different birds than what we think of as the college football ecosystem. Does everybody buy that? Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's possible for... Yeah, Stanford's a lot of Martin Schrelli did nothing wrong. Right, right. So what I'm saying is a charming outsider could come in.

Ooh. And make a hard sell in the room. and Stanford could look at this person's resume and say, well, he seems confident and he's a man. And that's how we end up welcoming Houston Dale Nut to the farm. Yes! Listen, he's got West Coast experience. That's amazing.

And by the way, with a roll of 15, Houston Dale Nut, he's picking up that phone. And brother, he is. What was your bar for Houston now? I have a Successfully rolling I have a amount of one Identifying a dice

A set of dice In a series of pictures Stanford football is fun again What are we going to offer Houston nut here? Oh let's see we've got Minimum wage A living

A living wage So a minimum wage for Palo Alto So that would be $280,000 a year You're paying of less than, like, interns at Facebook. Yep. Yep. And, yeah, you know what?

16 out of 20. Houston Dale Nutt is picking up what you are putting down. He's like, I'll just, I'll negotiate the next deal. I'll get it. I'll get him to cotton ball. He'll get it back. It's a dream. The impossible dream.

This one actually is. To fight. The unbeatable foe. Point. Got a point. The bear With unbearable sorrow I cannot believe

That we pulled this random To climb Where the brave may not go We have a fan revolt on our hands What fans? I know Let me pull fan revolt on this one So we're going to see

If Houston Dale Nut can smesmalize the crowd It's because you called it It's because you called it Facebook And not meta They're pissed Okay Houston Dale Nutstages a tent revival On campus

Roll me tent revival from Houston Dale nut gets a two a two out of 20 I'm gonna let you I'm gonna try again or do I skip this route I'm gonna go ahead and give you one more try we're gonna because I don't really I don't I can't roll anything so what does this mean

does this mean Holly tried to hire Houston nut and it didn't go through I'm gonna see if Stanford can deny our Lord our Lord and Savior You already rolled three times. Yeah. I just want to see. I can't know.

I can't. Oh, wow. Okay. No, it's good. I like this. I like this. Google employees. And Holly,

Holly, this leaves him on the board for Iowa. It sure does, Ryan. I'm so glad you thought of that. He staged they staged a fan revolt to get Houston Dale not after he had a tent revival. Because there's only one of them. His wildly unsuccessful dead revival at Stanford. This is actually the most realistic. thing that could have happened.

I like that it's basically just like, it's just Condoleezza Rice being like, fuck that. No, absolutely not. Oh my God. I'm going to go root for the coach with the drone. God, it was the impossible dream. Oh, God. So, Jason, you are up

with Iowa State. Iowa State. I don't have a plan here. I got to be honest. Iowa State has been dreadful for most of the last century good for like two years and that got our coach

to the Chicago Bears is that what happened? That is correct. Okay. Well, once you run it back you could run it back. I think what we're going to do is we're just going to trade.

Give me Matt Nagy. Matt. I think you can deliver the standard Ohio State results, right? We're not even that high again for a while. Well, listen, with a score of 17 out 20 on that role, Matt Nakey is

driving. He's driving there already. Why don't you call him with the numbers? Because I'm just going to go ahead and say that deal. Give me a number. Give me a number. $900,000. You need the job, buddy. Yeah, he's sprinting, buddy.

He's sprinting. He took the express Greyhound to get there. 900k for a mat and aggie sold to iowa state ryan ryan you are you are still on the board for old miss you get another i have georgia southern first don't i you know what you do georgia southern first because they have their shit together unlike old miss ryan your camera looks like you're a force ghost and i just want to say that's amazing yeah it just got it just got very dark in nashville um i would like to use a steel uh oh our first steal i would like to steal jeff munkin to come coach at georgia's

bitch it's pretty strong and like it's just there it's just there no no entire like i'm cussing because it's a good idea all right i am putting i'm putting duke football hell yes duke football back on the board duke's back on the board uh georgia southern is assuming the salary They were going to pay. Georgia Southern is now selling its campus. That's right. Jeff Monkin's salary. Listen,

we're going to have public's money soon. It's going to be fine. Georgia Southern is just selling Coke. Just selling blow. We've got to move this weight in order to afford Jeff Munkin's salary. That's how much we went the triple fucking option. That's how much they would do this. You realize everything we've done is really realistic.

Up to and including Houston not having a failed. revival in Palo Alto. Georgia Southern starting a drug trade to fund the triple like is somewhere Stephen Godfrey is like this is everything I've ever wanted. That is powerful.

Powerful work on your part. Ryan has used one of his steals and has picked for Georgia Southern. Holly. Oh God. Okay. So do I go back to I think you should pick Iowa. I think you should do Iowa. I think you should do Iowa. Give Duke

time to think. Yeah. Give Duke time to think. Lick their wounds. So I think we all know the way Iowa is trending in the event that Kirk Farrants does ever actually retire. And it's a cliche, but also we have to end this game at some point today. And there are, I'm actually surprised given the degree of nepotism and coaching circles how few actual sons of actual head coaches there are standing right there ready to snatch the job but anyway i think kendall bryles will be great iowa and this definitely won't start a blood feud with the remaining ference family that i will not deliciously watch

unfold and savor every moment okay so also he's an inveterate piece of shit so he'll do great at Iowa. So we have, oh boy, with a roll of 17 out of 20 Kendall Brawls. You're telling me he's interested in money. He's picking up what you're putting down, okay? What are we going to offer this gentleman? 2.5.

But a big assistant pool. Oh, see? Savvy. Savvy. Is he picked? He won't use it because he knows, he won't use the assistant pool because he knows that's how you get people who undermine you and try to take your job. That's that you get appearances on the coaching staff.

I was like, it would be very funny if he retained Brian, and Brian was like, fine. All right, Iowa, Iowa, off the board. For now until someone steals Kendall Bryles, Ryan, bitch. Nope, I'm good. We do have this. Jason, you are next with, let's see. I honestly have no idea.

You have UNC. you have UNC left no mac came home no i sent mac back or or did they not want him back because he left and oh wow and now mac is stuck in in the middle we have an untethered mac brown in space and time we have an untethered mac brown on the board um hoping to catch on as a bear's assistant mac has finally caught a flight nowhere to land this is major tom to ground control actually hang on Can I solve this in one, if I can solve this in one move, can I get through it with just one role to see if it all succeeds? I will let you do that. Make it, make it a high roll.

Make it a high roll. Yeah, go ahead. If I get above a 15. 15 or higher. If I get 15 or higher. Yeah. I'm going to move because, again, Stanford doesn't have any friends and doesn't talk to people and don't know any better. And it's too good for you snut, which is great, because I'm going to move Todd Graham to Stanford and send Mac Brown to Hawaii.

We are going to try for the extremely difficult double move. Shit. Oh, we have failed. Seven. I presume that this actually, I presume that this actually ended with like Todd Graham, like, dying in a plane crash. That's how this happened. That's, that's a seven. So right now, UNC is on occupiered by Lincoln Riley.

You didn't want to play against him, the coward. The assassination of Todd Graham by the coward Lincoln Riley. if you would like to fill the unc job what if i wouldn't i think jason would be great at the unc job thank you for the offer spencer what is jason what are you offering roll and see if i will take it let's see oh dude i just rolled the 20 out of 20 you are taking the uan jason has taken the unc job can i okay if i congratulations my my eyes just fell on a name on the coaching page that i have not thought of in at least of easily 10 years if jason i'm going to have asked for another special here if jason doesn't want to fill the unc job can i pick can i do

one role just for this name that just jumped out on the page and we can all submit him on mass because it would be funny i think we all agree for brend and carroll to get a head coaching job at last oh my god do you know who he is right now i thought you were going to say willie corn i got to be honest oh that i would never just besmirch roared col's name like that do you know where brennan carroll is coaching right now because it explains some things no idea he's jed fish's oc oh oh okay cool cool cool cool cool um you have left i believe i have duke and stanford you have duke and stanford you sometimes the two blue bloods like literal blue bloods and we have one more one more cc job open because old miss is still declined to employ a flower at the cotillion not one

one candidate has sent a thank you note not a single one so is it my turn to for old Yes. Yes, it is your turn for old miss. I would like to, I would like to offer this job to Dana Holgerson. First of all, let's see if Dana is picking up what you're putting down. Yeah, no, no. I feel like this needs at least three random events to go with it. With a 14 out of 20, he's got that going. Okay, sure, I own pants.

Yeah, hello? You got to answer the phone. How do you know if you want a contest or not? I got to comb my water. What? Red cups? Well, in cups. Dana's interested?

What are you going to offer him, man? There's so much riverboat gambling in the state. You don't have to offer him shit. Well, I know I'm going up against Tillman, so I'm going to offer him. Did we ever see what Brian Kelly's getting from LSU? Yeah, 10. Jesus what. I want to offer Dana Holder.

Sogerson, 11. Just so Notre Dame doesn't swoop in. 11 bucks is great. So let's see if he's interested in $11 million to coach. Could you sweeten it a little bit? Can we throw in a boat? Can you give me a catfish farm? 11 million.

Can you just give me a big catfish? 11 million and an RV with 40,000 miles on it. You know what? I'm just going to ignore that roll. It's done. No. No, let me keep going. No, the RV really killed it on your behalf.

The RV really killed the deal there. I think, I think, because it's like, oh, that sounds like a lot of maintenance, brother. Okay, all right. All right. Let me change the deal. 12 million and a new RV every year. Oh, shit. 12 million and a new RV every year.

15 out of 20, brother. That's right. These are going to smell terrible. That way the group. the girls can't that way the girls can't tell which RV is yours I like a house where you can change the license plate at the end of every year you have to just burn

these things I just bury all my memories of the year in the RV and burn it I'm building a crypt out of old RVs I want to be buried there with all my stuff $11 um excellent

so I have opened up a job now for I guess Jason has to fill the Houston you have yes he has to fill the Houston job And by the way, you have one more because the last random event I'm pulling before we finish this out is the sudden retirement of Nick Sabin. Alabama is open. Pete Golding coming home. And actually, Jason, I'm going to assign Alabama to... Give me Bama.

You want Bama? I got Duke and Stanford. Bama just makes three. Let's see. Jason has cleared his deck. Oh, never mind. So I'm going to go ahead and give him Bama. Jason, you start ruminating on this.

that holly you have two of those i'll let you see if you can get another package deal if you want so we can clear that was just a beautiful that was a beautiful like comet shooting across the sky we could put it we could cause another plane crash you know if you want to but let's go ahead let's go ahead and fill them out i know you could uh picking now for duke no i need i need some time you've thrown you've thrown everything into disarray i'm ready i'm sorry okay i'm going to try the same sorry i'm going to pick for stanford i'm going to try the same strategy a third time okay with an even dumber candidate. Excellent.

Because again, Stanford, for the third time, you have no friends. And I think it's very typical and technocratic of you that the 20-sided die keeps rolling against me. But

Mike Stoops. Mike Stoops. Bring some passion. West Coast experience. West Coast experience. That's about it. And probably still has some sunscreen left over.

Mike Stoops has rolled a one out of 20. What the fuck, man? Mike Stoops is too sleepy Roll a one this entire Mike. Mike Stubes is too sleepy to take the Stanford job. Well, that's the first low point total Mike Stoops has ever been associated with though.

Go back around. I'm going to go again. We can't fill the Stanford job. Nobody wants the Stanford. This is how Major Applewhite ends up coaching Stanford or something. Jason. Bamma. Big game B-O-B, Bill O'Brien. Oh, in elevation, yeah.

Hey, we... Hey, with Pete out, we need continuity. The Sabin era, seven playoff trips in eight years or whatever it is. Why would you start over from scratch? Keep a good thing going. Listen, the threshold for him to be interested in this was real low, and you hit a 19 out of 20, buddy. Bill is hitting that hook.

What are we going to offer him? What are we paying him? Well, we're paying coach. 10 million? make he's going to make 10 mil so you might as well assume 10 mil they're gonna they'll raise this deal to whatever okay so you know we'll just cost of living increase uh bill o'brien's making 12 million dollars a year 12 million dollars a year uh bill o'brien it's a six can you just can you just bump that up a little bit um you own what if he owns the uh what if you give him all the notes on

nick sabins underwater real estate deals he now owns all of nick's debt he's less interested in now that you've mentioned i'm not i'm not associating he's him with Nick's real estate. No, we're doing quite the opposite. No, I mean Nick, no, I mean Nick owes him money. Yeah. Oh, oh, he gets the short. He's the debt holder. He gets the short Nick Saban's investment. Yeah. So. So to speak. Yeah. No, he's still not buying it. Can I get one more? Because it's a big job. It's a big job. Bill's, Bill's being. I know you're not this smart. I'm going to offer Bill O'Brien $85 million a year. 85 million dollars. You know what? And an 11 out of 20, he's just barely on board.

Bill O'Brien for $0.05 mill. I don't feel great about it. I don't think, I got second thoughts, but... I'll give it a shot for a year. Ryan, can I have you picked... Peak holding is floored across the... What? There's that much money in the world?

What? He almost makes as much as I do. Ryan, Houston. Houston. Ryan Houston Okay I think this is I think Houston's going to go with

a coordinator for this pick No No no no no no no Gary Patterson Gary Patterson is in state and he's angry And we're going to bring him over to Houston

And we're going to put Gary Patterson in red and that's just going to look terrible We call this a Texas two-step. I would say that with a total of red Gary Patterson. With a total of 17 out of 20, by the way, GP is indeed with me. That's right. Like the Kool-Aid man crashing through the wall. Yeah, he's at his best when he's entering the Big 12.

Not when he's staying in the Big 12th. That's right. That's right. Yeah, yeah. What are you going to pay? Used to the Rose Bowl. Gary Patterson, I want you to be hungry. I want you to do this for the right reason.

Literally. Well, he's already going to be thirsty. I'm going to give you $1.70. $170,000 a year. $170,000. How bad does GP want it? That's a three. You're going to have to go up a little bit.

All right. Gary, I'm going to double it. $3,000, $440,000. Dude, he went from a $3 to a $20. He is sold for $340,000. He had his idea. He had his eye on something that costs $300,000, I guess. He did.

It's that Gattica surgery. Gary Patterson get Gattaca surgeries. I hate that. My go fund me. Holly still has... Stanford. Still has the impossible to film Stanford, John. I say this with love, I think you should think about using a steel for Stanford at this point.

Hang on, hang on. Stanford's deal? All right, hang on. Stanford doesn't have friends, but maybe I've been taking the wrong approach because they do actually meet people and it's at other PAC 12 conferences and if there's one thing they understand,

it's, oh, you're a management consultant. Herm Edwards, come to Stanford. Wow. Wow. God, that sounds boring. God, this better fucking work. Okay, Herm Edwards. Herm Edwards is,

with a two out of 20, Herm Edwards doesn't know. Herm doesn't know where Stanford is. I'm telling you, I'm telling you, you got to use a steel. I think that's the only way. I don't think you can. But then somebody else has one open. Yeah, but that's fine.

That's fine. Oh. All right, let's roll one more. Condy Rice. Condy Rice for Stanford. Even Condy Rice is not interested. Wow. She's ever made that I've agreed with.

In Stanford. It's the first boondoggle that she doesn't want. What a dune boggle. All right. All right. Last one. Last one. If this doesn't work, I'll steal.

Jeff Fisher. Jeff Fisher. Come on. Even Jeff Fisher with a nine out of 20 is passing on the Stanford gig. It's just radioactive. Why don't we try filling the Duke gig first? Fill the Duke gig. I bet Jeff Fisher will take that down.

Oh, the Duke woulds easy. Who? Pete Carroll. Pete Carroll being offered the Duke gig. Pete is. Son of a bitch. Pete is not, yeah. Wow.

Nobody likes my ideas. You right now are on, you're getting skunked. I know. Left and right here. I know. All right. Sorry, we have to go back to Stanford.

There's one more card I didn't play. All right, go ahead. No. Man, I hate to consign this to Duke, but now that cut is gone, maybe they're just Duke again. And in an institutional sense, I kind of feel like they do deserve each other

and would absolutely do this. John Gruden. John Gruden is A one out of 20 You are on a freezer We tried Houston at Stanford What if we run him up the flagpole at Duke Let's try it

Four Wait is this the end of the game Has we just we have we have two schools We got two schools to fill here Did Ryan use up all the good rolls Ryan maybe Ryan used up all the good rolls Ryan's getting like straight 19s and 20s

I think I'm the only one who's actually rolled a one one oh wait i got another stanford okay they absolutely would fucking do what tony dungy tony dungy at stanford is an eight fuck me man you cannot roll over should we just like eliminate stanford and duke from fbs at this point i think i think i think i think that's a sign i think all right here i think stanford has officially dropped football i think duke is still in the mix i think this shows us that stanford has dropped football we're going to open this we're going to open this i will take any suggestions to fill the Duke job let's let's give it a run anybody what if we what if we uh what if we let the listener at home do it wow y'all i think that's a great idea sound off in the comments

sound off in the comments if you've made it if you've made it this far someone who could coach duke if you have seen anyone who can coach duke football and who will take the job for the salary of 64,000 wait wait wait wait wait you know who's still out there yeah dan he knows mac browns McBrown spurned by UNC Let's see 17 out of 20 You did it You did it

Stanford drops football and Duke hires Mac Brown I'm going to suck a life out of this chapel Mac with a chance to avenge UNC for not hiring him after he quit After he quit And then wanted to come back and then had to go. It's going to show up at practice just to glower.

That's a good coaching cycle. And we killed Stanford. This is great. Yeah. This worked out for everyone. Herm Edwards turning it down was really a low point. That was a low point for me psychologically. No thanks. I don't want to go there.

Nope, got all my stuff in Arizona. Can't leave. I like it better here. I didn't think a simple D20 simulator could really push so much emotional. It really doesn't like me and it loves Ryan. It's in a large company there. It's because the robots are scared of Ryan's Philly Jacket. He'll smash me if I don't bend the knee.

We must know, so we must respect to him 20s. He'll hit us with a baseball bat. That was his friend and we tore him to pieces. Hey, now that's starting Duke quarterback. hitchbot now we're going to get the giants to take him in the third round it's like a shiny metal sam howl