Shutdown Fullcast - SCHOOL DISASTERS

Episode Date: August 25, 2021

It's the back-to-school special edition of our beloved Disasters series, which runs for less than one minute before you get Spencer saying "I think they thought I was dead" A loving retelling of a piece of Jason lore known to true Fullcasteers as "The Ozymandias Incident" A haunting ghost story from Surber about a phantom dildo Visit sunny preownedairboats.com! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Wait, Spencer, what was the one you said you were going to share yours, but you had to have like five drinks first? I think that was the time I was crossing a river and I was hitting the head with a rock. What? Yeah, it was Tennessee. Wait, were you forwarding a river to school? No, no. We were playing in a like at a pretty good size creek slash subsidiary of the Harpeth River. Oh, I didn't know we had creek disasters.

No, and I looked up and this guy named John. It was like, hey, and I looked up. The rock was already like inbound and it was like a flat spinning rock and it hit me right. here and I was hit and fell face first into the water and I think they thought they killed me and I really didn't know where I was but I was just out enough to where when I hit the water

right I hit the water and I think I did some bubbling and some like snorting and got up I went back in and the teacher was like hey what's wrong with your head and why are you wet and I was like I got hit in the head with the rock and John threw it at me and she's like

oh that's crazy y'all turn to page 73 Welcome to the Shutdown Fullcast. Welcome to the Shutdown Fullcast. You are listening to the Internet's only college football podcast. I am Michael Serber I have the host of this fine program today That's right Let's name it and claim it

You sure are there are I don't see any other hosts of this fine program Wait there's one We have one host Jason Kirk His name is Michael Server And host Michael Server is joined by Holly Anderson and Jason Kirk

Thank you for having a server Well I'm glad to be here Take it away guys I'm just thrilled to be here Talking about North Carolina football We um So as you can tell from the title of the episode, if we managed to spell it right, is we are gathered here today

discuss school disasters, the latest in our long-running series of disasters episodes, our favorites, your favorites, everyone loves them. I don't know why we do episodes on things that are not disasters. That's not really true. Everything we do is a disaster itself. So what do you mean? And here is why Serber did the intro, because Spencer is not here yet for the school disasters episode because of a school disaster. I'm going to read the text from him like 10 minutes ago. One lady in a Jeep blocked the carpool lane for 10 minutes. Folks, everywhere you go,

anticipation of the shutdown forecast school disasters episode that had a favorite pitch. Everyone's getting into character. Everyone's getting into it. They are applying the school disasters, making them real, manifesting school disasters, left and right and directly in front of you if they drive a Jeep.

We love to see that spirit, that passion for the shutdown forecast on our nation's roads. This is nothing. The show is nothing without audience participation. I don't think it's an accident that the disaster episodes are far and away our most popular episodes

because it's mostly you. It's mostly you at home, at work, on a houseboat and a bachelor party in Kentucky trying to swim away from the cops. being disasters and that's what we love about you um that so usually we like these these episodes to be a pretty evergreen you know you can listen to them 10 years from now and people are still like this so they'll still be relevant um but important college sports news of the day that we have to address uh the big 10 impact 12 and acc have announced an alliance and um

here are the things that it will accomplish i'll list them now so that is your college sports update uh holly could not have said that any better thank you floyd thank you for breaking that down for us uh holly do you want to get right into these disasters from our dear listeners jason i would love to and i would like to open with one that first of all folks let me take you behind the curtain here just for a few minutes we began this episode exploring the possibility of this episode uh off a twitter thread as we often do by spencer talking about school assembly disasters now in the process of trying to put this episode together, we discovered that not all of you, including me, went to a school where assemblies were even a thing. If we had a school assembly, like, I think we had like three

or four school assemblies a year. There are schools that had them every day. If you went to a parochial school, obviously you may have had some sort of religious service in the morning. Also, I found out that at a public elementary school, my mom used to teach at, they had Bible assemblies on Wednesdays. Go balls. But we kind of expanded the field from school assemblies to include the umbrella of disasters that took place on school property. So I can't just, you know, I mean, I could just say Tennessee public schools and leave it at that. But anyway, to that in, this is not a school assembly disaster. This is not even really a coherent disaster story that takes place on school property. But when you hear it, I think you'll understand why we felt compelled

to include it because it didn't take long in our call for submissions to this episode for somebody's uncle to enter the picture. And this is a story coming to us from T.C. Internets. A kid brought his uncle's lighter, a penthouse bick, into our class, and set our paper Santa's village on fire. When they let us back into the building, his uncle was in the office threatening to kick the principal's ass. She was a 65-year-old woman. His name was Rippy.

Our janitor, Mr. George, took Uncle Rippy outside and beat the living shit out of him to the cheers of several hundred elementary students standing at the windows in awe. I feel like there's some missing parts to this story, but also I feel like we have all the information we require. I think the details were carefully selected and well selected. I think Uncle Rippy,

established heel heat and the janitor got over on him and I mean that's that's a perfectly Mr. George might I add Mr. George this janitor already had the respect of the youths based on based on that title

you just don't burn a Santa's village asshole I would like to know where the uncle got off being the angry being the aggrieved party in the first place yeah yeah like okay let's see here maybe it was because his lighter he thought he was being framed for burning it right oh do you think it's because they wouldn't give the lighter back

he was like he was like he stole my damn lighter i come here to pick it up now you're telling me i can't have it back and i ruined christmas i will whoop your ass old lady yeah he went his lighter back yeah his lighter's his lighter's in i s so i also wonder now if this is the origin of the children's campfire song rippy the gator. I don't know. He didn't fight like a gator from the sounds of it. Fair point.

Although he did lay down flat. I'm sure he was doing a lot of thrashing at the hands of Mr. George there. I love the cheering kids. Yay! Mr. George! I love when Mr. George does this. Up his ass, Mr. George.

I'm trying to, I don't, I think we did assemblies frequently, but I went to a huge high school. like we were probably a lot to wrangle. The only one I remember was a former Marlboro man came around to tell us to stop smoking. But most of his stories, he did the very visiting youth group speaker thing where he made his pre-conversion sound awesome. And like, you know, he's like, oh, when I was the Marlboro man, I dated so many models. And it's like, so you're just telling me I should become the Marlboro man, right? And then it's like, oh, but I gave that life up. But now I'm living clean. And it's like, oh, that sucks, man. Sorry. Sorry that happened to you.

Marlboro Man, you know, and that's the only one I remember. Otherwise, I'm sure it was mostly just like, yeah, our football team is one and nine, so we really need you to make sure we finish two and nine. Let's see here. I'm going to, I'm just going to go in order of mine from Internet subscriber Ben P underscore W. In fourth grade, this is, I like this one because it's one that every phrase just builds on the one before it and you could stop it at any point and it would be great, but it just doesn't stop. In fourth grade, we weren't allowed to leave our portables for a few days because ex-NBA

player Matt Geiger's bison got loose and it took a couple days to catch it. No idea why anyone would own a bison in Pinellas County, Florida, and name it Big Daddy. Another set of beautifully chosen details. And also, did everybody here go to a portable classroom at some point? I did first grade in a trailer. Eighth grade here, I believe. Yeah. Home room every day of high school. All right. Nice. A bison could really, uh, like reorient to portable, I think. I wonder if these kids are sitting there and, you know, sitting there sitting there and in, in chem class and like, whoa, there goes the bison. Hey, speaking of bison, a big one, just a bipedal bison just kind of thundered through the living

room here. Not by, not by son, but hello son. Hey, buddy. Well, did you just said by to your own son? I did. I said goodbye to my own son. I had somebody engaged in the most nakedly antisocial behavior I've seen in a very long time. What's that, buddy? By blocking the very end of the carpool lane. Oh, no. So you already had the kids and then it's like you could see, you could see

freedom in sight and you can't get there. 10 feet with an open spot in front of her and did not pull forward. It did not seem to understand what anyone was asking her to do by asking to move forward 10 feet and just sat there and then was like, but wasn't mean about

it, but just simply did not understand what people were asking her to do like you could just pull forward 10 feet and she's like i'm sorry what is it no what for 10 minutes i love that it's a jeep a vehicle that uh the brand is it can go anywhere and she chose to go nowhere that's she she could have done anything and instead she chose not to beautiful spencer will be the carpool participant that's what she did uh this this only while you're getting set up there i'm going to tell the story of my own school assembly. Oh, please. Go right ahead.

I thought I didn't. Okay, I had been told by my mother, herself a retired public educator of several decades, that I had to be making this up because she did not remember it. My mother, as you've probably heard on previous disaster shows, taught in my school system. And so I was not allowed to get away with shit. And, but I have been,

I sourced this from previous classes today and found out that this assembly was actually real. Like Jason, I went to a, not a huge, high school by like Texas standards. Like there was like 400 people in my graduating class, but still too many kids to get into any one room at any given time. So we didn't really do the assembly thing.

There were two exceptions. One that I had completely forgotten about was our head football coach was obsessed with the JFK assassination and every year would do an all school assembly where he presented like his own documentary that he, had updated from the year before with all the new information that he had managed to collect about the JFK assassination. I had no memory of this until about two hours ago. And now I remember sitting there in the auditorium as he clicks and goes back and to the left.

Back and to the left. Listen, I don't know how young is too young to learn about the Zapruder report. And also he did it every year. So I had to sit through it four times. I love that, the updating, first of all, obviously, the updating as the latest scholarship comes in. And then also a football coach that means like, you know, when he's going through game film at night,

he's also saying our cornerback needs to take step back and to the left, right? This is somebody from home, correct me and I'm wrong. I think this was one of, I think we also had two different football coaches run off on their wives with two different cheerleading coaches within like a decade. And I can't remember if this was one of them because I forgot this assembly existed. Anyway, this wasn't even the good assembly. When I was a freshman, y'all remember Serge. Kids remember Serge?

Yeah, it's a new energy drink from Coca-Cola. So Serge came out in the 90s, like way, way ahead of, you know, a little bit ahead of the Four Loco Wave and way, way, way ahead of like all the other energy soda drinks wave. Kids, surge was like mellow yellow, but with more caffeine. And I don't know what paltry pittance Coke paid our school district to do this. But we had to go to an honest to God assembly and watch a presentation about surge, the soda, after which they handed out merch. I was, this is another detail that I had forgotten.

Apparently there were like raver hats with surge on them because if there's two things, You want to put rural teenagers onto in the middle of their school day. It's extra caffeine, sugar, and rave culture. We took all these lessons to heart in the foothills of East Tennessee. And they gave us merch, they gave us free soda, and then sent us back to class. And when we came in the next day, they had installed a Coke machine outside the gym where you could pay, you know, a normal Coke machine where you could pay to get a Coke or a Sprite.

And Surge was free. Awesome. Again, this is a public high school that at the time, at least prided itself on being like this arts and science, like not a magnet school, but like, you know, oh, if you wonder, your kids have a good school education, you should really, you know, pull them out of Yehu holler and send him here.

Anyway, here we are in the surge assembly. and now I'm thinking about how many of my classmates now work for the CIA. If that's what y'all were getting, imagine what the backwood school was getting. The backwood school had to be getting. Oh, you weren't here for this. Mom was here when the Dutch Valley had a traveling preacher

come by every week when my mom started there. And that was in the 90s. So they probably had it. Dutch Valley is where you drove the Camero the other week, by the way. Wow. Yeah. So that means that they had instead of water in the fountains, it was search.

That's what they managed to talk Dutch Valley pretty much. Yeah. But like can you are our poor fucking teachers? And so anyway like my mom's a teacher.

Obviously all of her friends are teachers. I which if you're a child means growing up with a network of people who have their eye on you at every moment. So we couldn't really get away with shit. But yeah, that was that was the biggest assembly based disaster that I can recall.

And really the only assembly I can recall. So we have JFK and search. I mean, what did you learn about today's son? And listen, we fucking loved it. Yeah. This was, don't forget, this was, this is the late 90s, man. This is the offspring's time. Like, we had this in our veins.

It was bad. Folks, we've got jolt cola on the curriculum today. No, we couldn't get jolt. Remember, this is Tennessee. We didn't have jolt. I love it. It was like an urban legend. Say this happens like third period, fourth period.

Everyone's dialed fucking in. And then like six period unconscious comas left and right. Every room is just snoring is all you hear. Just the tiny whimper of someone in the back going, search. My mom also had the theory. My mother also suggested, by the way, that we didn't do regular assemblies because she legit thought that parents would complain that we were being taken away from AP prep. So I love, which is true, I think. So in that environment, especially, I love in a place where, like, if you get below a 4.0, you're not even going to be in the top 10% of your class, let alone valedictorian. I love that this was allowed to happen. Like, I went to a very northwestern high school. You did. I just imagine all these honors kids for the rest of their semester, just quietly going, sir. We were. Every time they got stressed, like, sir. We were. Is this like how the school funds? Like, this is the,

this is the concession it makes to reality to the market like yeah this is also probably we're deep enough into this that this is a safe space to confess that as one of the graduation speakers for my high school class i ended this they let me go last and that was their fault and i ended the speech by doing leading the entire graduating class in uh the budwiser frogs commercial retailing wow yeah i'm really glad there's no youtube someone out there no oh my mother's got it you just have to get in good enough with her okay well the race is on folks

folks you know how to reach my mom good luck I my school assembly my school disaster there were multiple schools just sad yeah most of mine center around the gymnasium for multiple reasons but one was an assembly where they had a guy who had been to prison who came in and normally in a scared was he an alum was this like a distinguished

Distinguished guest. He did something really cool. I want to say his name was Ronnie. Sounds right. Is that sound right? And that Ronnie had a black mullet and a black handlebar mustache. But in my head, I may have just transformed him into Geezer Butler from Black Sabbath.

I don't know. Like, he was that guy. Geyser Butler's secret lover. And he came in and the normal scared straight curriculum started. This is how you know, by the way, that you not only went to a public school. but you went to a public school with some significant

at-risk youth is that there was a scared straight theme to most of your assembly assemblies not surge or let's how are you going to apply

for college but kids it's time to take the ASV and here's somebody to talk about how bad prison is that's where I went to middle school

was somewhere in between there and I middle school was this this was Grassland Middle School was grassland just not fancy then it was not it was not

Now it is now, but at the time, it was sort of a blend of half new kids living in the burbs and then half on the fringe people who had exemptions to drive tractors to school. They were still kids who were very rural and agricultural coming to the school, thus the scared straight portion of the curriculum, because it was still the kind of place where you're like, hey, somebody robbed the Siwa market and they just took, they just took heel and fled over to the hills. See, this is the deal with my high school. It was either, it's either that or your dad is a fed.

And there's absolutely no in between because it's like 27,000 people in the town. And it doesn't take a lot of nurses and dentists and firefighters to cover a town of 27,000 people. So you have this extremely stratified existence, right? Yeah. And a lot of cross-pollination. That's Tennessee. That's Tennessee in a nutshell. Yeah.

They got a whole lot of bottom, a whole lot of top, not much in the between. So they had us all in there. They called the guy and they said, hey, why don't you tell these kids about prison? and I think he this was like watching an episode of Oz before Oz ever existed he came in and he was like first of all let me tell you the things you can do to a man with a simple with a simple toothbrush would sicken you they would sicken you then dramatic pause they would sicken you you just got to sharpen the end of that thing and you can turn a man you can put as many holes in a man as you want you can turn them into a pin cushion don't tell me I can put as many holes as a man as you can turn him into a pin cushion don't tell me I can put as many holes as a man as I want unless you really mean it. Auditorium full of fifth and sixth graders, 80% horrified and want to leave, 20% like me going,

go on. How much sharper can a toothpick get? A toothbrush. A toothbrush. You take the end. Yeah, you take the end and you file that sucker down. Yeah. I'm saying you can toothpick like, I'm not feeling all that sickened, but a toothbrush, okay. Yeah.

Toothick's like, you're killing me with acupuncture. Suddenly I'm so much more relaxed. Right? my back pain is gone. Thank you for stabbing me with this toothpick. No, this guy talked first of all about how you could turn a toothbrush into a shiv. He mentioned toilet wine, a phrase that none of us really at the time were even equipped to process. He mentioned how you could get a lot of drugs in prison.

Now, the anti-drugs scared straight thing, it seems counterintuitive to come in and go, hey, folks, if you go to prison, you'll get all the drugs. You'll get all the drugs you want. You can look over. and as he was talking about how he had gotten the good speed in prison, which why you'd want to take speed in prison, I have no idea. Here, you're in a box.

Let's just give you. For calisthenics. So you can get more stuff done. I got the cleanest cell on the block, y'all. Yeah, it does not seem to be the thing that I would want to do in person. That sounds like hater talk. Probably. I'm probably not getting it.

And I hope to never get it. The guys talking about this, And you can see the assistant principals one by one start to blanch on the sidelines, right? Like over on the baseline on the court, as they're watching all of this, like, we've really made a mistake. We cannot let them book this man again. Then he starts to talk about what happens when prisoners become sexually frustrated in prison in front of a bunch of middle schoolers. Hey, Serber, I got a question. Is Chelsea home?

No, not yet. I'm interested to know, just for our own identification. what who among the school officials is empowered to step in and and who does or doesn't who does or doesn't have that have that cachet i'm assuming it varies from school to school and even from day to day maybe but yeah uh my wife's a school counselor she would likely step in at that point and say okay guys this is like that's what i was thinking from what we know of her i feel like she would be in there with a stick like real quick yeah so there was she would also never have scared straight people come to the school. She would just get you actual counseling. Well, if you were having issues. What? What do you mean? Wild concept. It seems like she's prioritizing emotional health and well-being. I don't understand that. So as social and emotional well-being. What? I don't- So as we got through with this portion of the lecture, which to be clear, even those of us who found the previous part entertaining were absolutely horrified by his somewhat graphic descriptions of what

it happened to him in jail, there were questions. One, I started wondering if he'd ever actually been to jail or if he was just a guy fantasizing out loud about some, again, episode of prison life he had watched. Okay, that is entirely possible. This was Tennessee public schools. If a guy had a bit conning people out of money, claiming to have been a former prisoner scared straight in the name of Jesus to talk to middle school people, I would have 100% believed that this was the case with this dude. But there is always one person in a class, always one, one person in a class, who will ask the wrong question. And his name was Ricky in our class.

And he got up and he asked this dude in the dead silence afterwards where he goes, well, you got any questions for me? Ricky's hand shot up. And he's like, hey, do you ever stab a guy? Thank you, cousin Ricky. Yeah. I thought Ronnie was quite explicit about that. Yeah, I thought so.

But he wanted to know more. He wanted to just double down on that. This is the same guy who went in a similarly disastrous assembly during career week when we had an actual professional clown. come and talk to people. He asked him how much he made, and the guy left the auditorium. He ended the program and left the auditorium when Ricky was like, so how much did you make? Where is Ricky today?

Ricky, I don't know. He was the guy who threw a penny from the balcony at the opera and hit a Stradivarius. Oh, God. That was the guy who did that. So that's mine. What's going on there? Yeah, Ricky, holler. We could add another co-host, I think.

We clearly have. Hey, that's Rick Mussels. That's Rick Mussels. That's Rick Mussel's origin story. Well, it could be. Yeah, that was my school disaster. What did you do today, honey? I listened to graphic tales of prison life. Let's return to the list. And I'm going to pull. All right. While we're talking about times in which teachers should have known better, I would like to pull one in here that is a disaster, but also I maintain. the teacher was in the right. This is a story via Luke from 2011. Girl was mad at a teacher after disagreeing on exam grades, so she brought ammonia and bleach into school on the bus. Her plan was to go into a study room and mix them together to create noxious fumes that would go through the vent into the teacher's office next door. For those who don't know, mixing ammonia and bleach creates a toxic gas. No, a seriously toxic gas like you shouldn't mix. You shouldn't Exxamonia and bleach in your own bathroom.

You'll pass out so much faster than you think you will. All right. I'm returning to Luke now. Her plan went off without a hitch until the gas actually did not go through the vents and classmates found her passed out on the floor of the study room. We did not see her in school again. Okay. I don't know if this was a science teacher whose exam grade she disagreed with.

But I got to say it does sound like she didn't do enough homework. Mustard cat. I am not with you on this Clarabelle. You sound like a Claribel. I'm very curious about the ventilation in this side room. Like, was there a fan that was going to blow it all the way through the vent? Schools are generally not short on box fans, but yeah,

it does not sound like she thought this through at all. And in fact, might have benefited from plotting more ahead of time to get a better grade. I have one that I want to warm up. I'm going to limber up. if I want to share one and it's also related to ventilation or lack thereof it's from aunt troia this was short but sweet I farted myself awake in the middle of 10th grade geometry no further questions I cannot imagine a less pleasant way to wake up than with everyone

looking at you horrified and you not really sure what you had done other than I think I just farted in front of everyone this is a well he apparently farted to a degree where at least he he knew this is a phobia of mine too that i will fall asleep a phobia yeah like a real deep fear that i will that i will just fall asleep or nap and right at the edge of sleep i will uh immediately let let out a horrendous unconscious fart and embarrass myself and horrify everyone at the room i don't think that's what phobias are no it has to have a name to be a phobia i will invent this Well, like, that's an anxiety point, clearly, but I don't think that's a phobia. Narco-flatophobia.

All right, fine. Up there, okay. So I feel like the move here is, like, you know, you jolt up awake, but I think you have to slam your head back down and act like you never even woke up because you didn't fart, right? Right. Like, it wasn't me. Look, I'm clearly asleep and I have been this all time. I was just moving around. It was so uncomfortable on this desk.

Fair enough. I mean, is the king move after that to immediately just fall right back asleep? Yes. Yeah, it didn't happen. Nothing is real. you have plausible deniability all of you are dreaming because i'm dreaming i had a middle school i had a friend who puked in the middle of class and usually that's a really risky situation where somebody will immediately begin making fun of you even though you're ill and vomiting but there was a rare

moment of temperance and kindness and mercy in the collective sort of teen mind as this kid was puking his guts out we're all like oh well that's too bad man you feel bad we should just get you cleaned up and as he was leaning over his desk and vomiting he let out the loudest fart i have ever heard and that immediately broke the spell everybody was like ah it's the weak one attack him he just farted you farting nerd middle school is great cross the line sound like you came through it just fine i did it's great um i can let's see i'm gonna read another from a reader but can i run through my own academic disasters like can i present my transcript oh please i we've done this on an episode at some point before but there's no telling

Like if someone was like, what year did we do this? I'd be like, I don't know, 2018. They'd be like, no, it was 2013. Okay. Yeah, I was sure I told the surge story before, but apparently not. So algebra. All right, I failed 11th grade algebra. And from my recollection, the only excuse I had was the girl who sat next to me, the orange

hair girl, she was hot. That's it. That's all I got. Failed algebra, 12th grade, because of senioritis, of course. But the teacher passed me. My theory is that she did it just to like free up seats. like we got freshmen to get in here. Here was the thing.

At graduation, I walked up to her and I said, hey, thanks for getting me out of here. What was her response? Did she say, I would never do that? Did she say, no, you earn the grade on your own? No, she laughed. I think that was confirmation that she just passed me to get me out of there, even though I did not actually pass.

At a girl. College, second semester, failed algebra. We're now three for three for three on failing algebra. At this point, all I was doing is playing Grand Charisma with the fellas. a third semester forgot to drop it. That's a fourth fail of algebra right there. I don't know at what point I passed it. I do not remember ever passing it.

It's possible they just like, oh, God, took it off the requirements or what I graduated. I have a diploma. There it is. And like, you know, like I'm okay with math. I like math. Like, you know, statistics, geography, a little bit of physics. Like math's cool.

Algebra is bullshit. Algebra's fake. It's not math, not real. You know, anyone could spend between one and a thousand minutes trying to explain to me like, oh, it makes rockets fly or whatever. No, it doesn't. It's fake. It's bullshit. It's, it's hieroglyphics about nothing. It's not real. My kid's good at it, so she probably won't fail it five times and good for her. I never have to think about it ever again. History in college, I think this was like second or third semester.

I took the entirely wrong world history class, wrong room, teacher, time, day of the week, all of it. At the end of semester, I looked at my grades. I had an F, and I had to walk around until I found the right lady sitting at the right desk. And she was like, oh, God, it changed me. He gave me my C that I earned, my heart earned C. Wait, was this the same semester as the Ossemandius incident? Yes. Excellent.

Actually, this one, this one was the, I'll get to that one. I'll get to that one. So the general vibe of my academic experience, you know, all through high school, four years of high school and four plus years of college, I never spoke to a single guidance counselor, not once, never crossed a threshold, never looked at them, didn't know where to find them, didn't care. Not a single person told me which classes to take,

which colleges to apply for, which tests to take, which whatever, whatever, no fucking prep whatsoever. I just winged it for however many years it took to get the fuck out of there. Were you just going to keep showing up at classes until somebody gave you a degree?

It worked, man. It worked in high school. And in college, eventually, I was like, I sort of figured it out like, oh,

I got to actually like, you know, these English education classes, I'm taking. Hey, shit, these count as electives. All right. I just take English classes all the way out. And I realized they needed one more language class. So high school, I took four years of Spanish. So pretty decent at it. It should have just stuck with it. That'll be easy. That'll be easy. In college, I have no real explanation for this. The languages I took was one semester of French, one semester of Italian, one semester of German, one semester of Chinese, which I can't count to five in any of those languages at this point. One semester of Chinese is fucking, you're getting nowhere. You were the world's weirdest food truck. The semester Chinese, that was amazing. It was like the teacher, she walked in, like, so full of hope.

You know, I think we were her first class in America. She was like, we can do it. We can do it. You guys were going to do it. And like after like two weeks, she's like, you can just see the curve just like plummeting. And like, I remember the last day of class, like, we're all looking around before she walks in. Like, oh, my God, we know nothing. Right.

Because like, she wanted us to learn, like, not just. just the pronunciation, but also the characters. And that's like learning two languages worth of language if you're coming from a Western, you know, from a Western experience. Like where, you know, everything is just like, you perceive everything as phonetic, right? Like, it's a lot.

And she knew that, but she believed in us. She shouldn't have believed in us. No, it's a problem. Like, she passed all of us with D's at best. English class. This was the turning point for me, all right? My entire academic crew sort of showed up and didn't give a shit.

British literature showed up for day one of class, bailed, showed up for the final and had to write an essay on Osamandias. And I'm like, easy, the fucking assonance and whatever. The shifting sands faded further away. That explains that communicates the blah, blah, blah, boom. I don't remember if I passed or not. But what did it for me was the day before that. I was sitting at the bar with some of the laziest slackers I knew from high school. And I didn't even drink. I don't even know if I I was of age at that time. But like, one of them was like, you know, how this class is going? I was like, I don't know. He's like, dude, finals are tomorrow. Like, it's finals week. And I'm like, what? And like, just that sense of like, one of the laziest people I know informed me that finals

tomorrow was like, shit, I got to get it together. And like, I buckled down and got together, made the deans list by the end. So there you have it. That's my happening. Poetry was my turning point. I took one look at what happened to Osamandius, right? like this man accomplished everything it became nothing let me do the opposite yeah i will accomplish nothing and become everything that's right can i can i go back to back here because i have one

no i want to read one from the list you go right ahead from mind of a yinzer school tried to have separate health separate health classes in seventh grade so we could discuss boy and girl stuff boys had three fist fights in the first period including a full desk being thrown at someone we had co-ed health moving forward i'm not sure how that solves a goddamn thing yeah now it's on the ladies to like ladies keep the boys throwing tables at each other okay girls no spaghetti straps no leggings and also be a civilizing influence on these asses how feral was that school though that they were like now gentlemen and they were immediately like they showed them one of those like reproductive side touch of a uterus and somebody just throws a desk. The miracle of life is on the board and they're throwing furniture at the TV. I only want to think about the outsides of my body. Bam! Here's a penis.

I got one of those. Fuck you. I got one to let's fight. Oh, this was not on the list, but there was another uncle contribution in the replies where a kid ran up to the microphone at an assembly or at a concert with a bunch of family at attendance and yelled ass penis into the, Mike and settling the kids down was fine, but settling down the uncles in the audience.

There were a bunch of dudes in the audience who wouldn't stop laughing. That's good shit. Bill, you remember when that kid got up and said, this is better than Jeff Foxx movie. Lost it. So the thing about this split, we never did the like return to your corner's health class. It was always like everyone in one big group,

which I don't know if I don't, I mean, it feels like more ultimately healthy. if like everyone's learning the same things. We had to split off for a class called Every Girl is a Garden. This sounds youth group as hell. They did not refer to dudes

with any complimentary language like that. I just want to say this, again, this was the secular high school. Yeah. This was the god. This was comparatively the godless liberal high school. Yeah. And this is what we were.

We had to watch this Canadian soap opera called Bay City Kids. That was about, that was about health. And that's how that's where we. got the term every girl is a garden every girl is a garden every boy is a shovel yeah here's an angry shovel this is a boy a tool that will be used and thrown away angry with one edge not very bright but the um so if you split them up like this we know based on um i forget who broke it down on twitter but it was uh boy high school fights are planned and then they don't

happen girl high school fights happen out of nowhere which means don't break up girl fights you'll lose you'll lose hair first because everyone's grabbing hair so that means when they split this health class and the boys immediately fight that means the boys had planned this that means this was a um in the event it's this is fucking world war one shit where like if shit goes down i'm fighting you you and you i don't give a shit we don't even remember we're fighting that right this is like treaties spring into action boom it has to happen whereas the girls just there there was nothing on the books that day i think girls when they fight it's like an f1 crash boys fight nascar crash no no wreckage no nothing just kind of you know two things bomb

bumping and do each other. And then you go talk shit. You go find someone to talk shit to. Yeah. Then you find someone to talk shit, right? You're like, hey, meet me afterwards. We'll set no, no, no. I mean, you go someone when you brag about what you did to him.

Like, that's what NASCAR drivers do. That fucking ass old believable about, but if you beat it that much, why don't you go tell him. Nope. I'm telling you because that fuck him. I don't talk to him. Or girls, they're still talking to each other. Maybe we'll meet in the pits. F1 crash, stuff all over the yard.

Parts everywhere. There's like some hair. There's like bangles and bubbles and braids and a book bag over here and a shoe. and a shoe. Thank you for bringing bangles into the question. People lose clothes when girls fight, right? There's like a jacket flying this way. Dudes are like,

don't, no, no, no, hold me back. I'll be back. You're going to stretch my shirt. You go straight. Yeah, you scuffed my shoe. We got to fight. Girls are like, I tore my shoe to pieces and ate it as a sign of intimidation pre-fight. Yeah, like the girl move is like, right?

Like earrings coming out, heels coming off, and now we're going to fight, right? where's boys I don't feel like there's a lot of theater to it no no no like it looks like after two girls fight it looks like someone's been raptured right like there was a person here but now they are in heaven yeah it's true um let's see let me read uh from beer nigh as in bill nye myself and two friends dressed in three piece suits floated in inner tubes down wheeling creek for five hours to the ohio river and had to walk multiple miles home, one of us in bare feet, bare feet and a three-peak suit. This was for a school-sanctioned raft race that was supposed to only go 300 yards along the peak bike campus. These fellows were too ambitious. These outdoorsmen. Oh, pioneers. These well-dressed frontiersmen overshot their landing. You're trying to tell me that you missed by a factor of like, what, 11 or 12. You missed the distance should we turn around.

You missed it in the first mile. Listen, man. If this is Wheeling Creek in the Ohio River, he's talking about West Virginia here. Oh, so that means it was, should we stop here? No. No. No, keep going, man. We're almost free.

See, I was thinking like, should we stop here and you look up, you see an old fellow on the hill? No, we're not stopping here. That guy lives here. But it might be, yeah, it might be, we're almost down. What about our parents? Old Man Rivers. your daddy now. Rivers claimed them. Yeah. We don't need parents. Look at our

suits. These barreds, these hobos and barred rats, they're your family now. Just keep following me, boys. Keep paddling. We'll be to town and we'll strut in in our suits and they'll call us the mayor. You'll see. They'll put us up in the finest shanty. We can sell these inner tubes for what we need. Don't you see, boys, we're floating to the future.

We're only, we're almost halfway there. I think a lot of technology is to our advantage, but I also hate that kids aren't really going to have a chance to huck, fin it up like this anymore. And I celebrate these people. If you've been this lost, by the way, on a river, there are several stages. There's the initial alarm at Yard 301,

where they missed it and went, oh boy, then after a while an odd calm kicks in. Oh, well, I mean, we are on the river. This is perfectly nice. I mean, we're already 100% lost. Yeah. At what point does jauntiness reclaim? Like, well, we're making good time.

About a, yeah, 303, like 303, 303 yard. Three piece Samwise Gamji, one yard further than we were, have ever been before. They're fine, floating out of the shire, they're good. I know when things got dicey. It was when things started to get dark. That's what's so hungry. We're out of food.

We're out of Skittles. May I suggest first time somebody had to poop? Yeah. Because you wouldn't want to ruin your three-piece suit. Yeah, exactly. Also, you're floating. So, like, it might go parallel. well with you.

Yeah. Now three have become four. Yeah. Our traveling party has expanded. Where you saw no sets of footprints. It's because someone pooped. It was there that we were too ben on past. It was where Jesus was preparing to DD-T-Me.

Home field apparel, purveyor of fine garments of clothing, mostly for the upper body. Despite the absence of sun doggers from the lineup, Washington did very well, I'm told, on their last big news Saturday. Who we got next, Jason? I heard it's going to be a big blue Saturday. It's a blue team. There's only so many of those. It's the bluest team, in fact.

There's definitely the only, definitely the only team I associate with being big and blue. Yeah. I mean, in the nation, I think, in the nation of ours, it's the only big blue team, really. It's the only one that's on a major football game. Folks, you can reach us at Mark Ennis on Twitter,

if you would like to, if you would like to answer for this. Where the news from Kentucky is that a Kentucky player has done L's Down, which I think means Louisville and Texas are about to band together and form some sort of alliance, I guess, that doesn't accomplish anything. But we're here to talk about big blue schools like Boise State, which has some shirts coming out, not pants, horses don't need those. God, being Ryan is harder than it sounds.

Anyway, offer code fullcast, that's F-U-L-L-C-A-S-T, I'm almost positive. We'll get you 20% off your first order at homefield apparel.com. This ad really sucks without Ryan here. What would Ryan do at this point? I could say something genial and stupid. Serber, are you going to keep this all in with me just being lost in the void? Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. I am stuck in a void like a goose on a big,

blue empty field, homefield apparel.com. Hello, my computer's working again. So I'm back here for acorns.com slash fullcast, which has invested $5 in me that I will someday parlay into Wi-Fi that works thanks to the market forces of economics and the invisible hand. How it works is you put dollars into acorns. And then every time you spend dollars on things that aren't acorns, acorns take some of your dollars and puts it into your pile of dollars that are acorn dollars and then those dollars

birth more dollars um via procreation i am still destined to retire well after the age of 83 but i assume i am closing in on retiring but it only goes up to 83 um if it went up to like 183 maybe it would say when i'm allowed to retire but uh it won't be any time soon but it is getting sooner than it was thanks to acorns.com slash full cast some real squirrel shit spencer's not here right now so we do not know the embezzlement disparity between his two children we can only assume that one has just straight up bought out the other

just purchased the like name image likeness rights to the other and some Jacob and he saw shit acorns.com slash forecast um I would love to share one from

let's see is it beef husk no this this here we go from frog baby at you have to ask is it beef husky yeah at it's not beef husky it's frog baby at frog baby come on thank you for supporting our college football podcast uh frog baby says i got really drunk after school in a friend's house and then walked back to watch a softball game except that was the day the feds busted a guy at our school for doing a bomb threat so the news was there so my drunk 16 year old ass was on TV saying how it was so shameful or whatever

they're shameful what they've done to softball I'm just trying to enjoy the softball game he just got a bomb just these kids I can't believe just disgraceful I don't know what my peers are up to

so immature of them just out there's some grainy VHS tape of this guy hammered off his ass talking about Did you know the guy? Yeah, I mean, no. But he's all of us, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's just society's so sick.

If you'd gotten me drunk and high and put me on the news in high school, I would have said the dumbest shit imaginable. In high school, yeah. What this school needs is Jesus. That's what this school needs. Wow. They go to Frog Baby's parents, who at Mr.

Mr. and Mrs. Frog, perhaps. You know, and they're watching the news and Son, is that you? Drunk at the softball game? No. I don't like stuff. Is this related to the

story two stories down from here that is Super Frog's baby mom? Oh, you've been caught, Frog baby. Oh, God, oh God. Spencer, this is yours. You have to read this one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is from a related one

from Super Frog's Baby Mom. Catholic school Planning Uniform Update Vice principal interrupts class pulls me into a hallway tells teacher

and rest of class he quote wants to see how the new Blazers fit a husky build unquote Is this the day you learn your husky

I thought I was just solid I thought I was just athletic I do too enjoy that the vice principal was like I'm going to go get that husky boy you're the definitive husky person who is the huskiest of boys huskiest of them all is it worse if this were a discussion if the vice principal looked at his assistant and said Marie who's the huskiest lad in this school and she's like oh I got you got to see this kid that's that's

That's Dave. You got to go get Dave. He's the huskiest lad in the school. I remember this isn't technically a school thing, but I remember when you're in Pop Warner. I was under the impression. I'd be a linebacker. I don't know where I got that idea.

And there I was. And the coaches were like divvying up teams. And one of them points at me and says, now there's a big ugly lineman. Which is when I learned I was lineman-sized. But you're not. Were you just linemen-sized at the time? Yeah.

Okay. oh my god yeah there find the huskiest lad it must be dave go get him go to his classroom i know where the husky lad is like they ask imagine this principle striding off with a sense of purpose like what was his day like there's a fat dog that only eats like leftover hamburgers and meatloaf from the cafeteria and they're like stevedore my beloved hound go find the husky lad when he got home and his wife said, what did you do today? What did he say? I found the huskiest lad so I could see how the blazers dawned upon his bulky form did look. Like, what if he kept the journal? What, what if he kept a contemporary diary of his events? How was that day marked down in history?

Husky day. Sought the husk. That's why I changed the name of the award from the husky lad to the heartiest lad the next year. So it was not to be hurtful and to be more body positive. Generous, generous, our boldest young man. I got a husky story because in addition to having several husky body parts, I also have an enormous head. And freshman year in drill team, we did like a Spanish slash southwestern, like Sonora type show. Anyway, and we had to wear those like flat top cowboy hats.

And in addition to having an enormous head, I also have a lot of hair. And you had to pull your hair up. because it was like 112 degrees. Anyway, this cowboy hat perched directly on top of my head and would not go over it in any way. And I had to do the entire freshman year routine looking like a circus bear. You look like Charlie Strong when they had the celebratory from.

Does it quite go over the head? It was, listen, it was so bad that my mom took over uniform duties for the entire 500 person band the year after because she was like, I'm not watching that shit again. I'm not letting this happen again. not because it was embarrassing to me but because she did not enjoy it aesthetically hey listen when she had to get some of the boys suited up I bet I know what she did

go find me that husky lad go find me the husky's lad so that I could put this jacket on him back to the list Chris Galucci oh no oh Chris extremely dumb

12 year old me. Once again, girls don't tell jokes. Extremely dumb 12 year old me refused to believe the girl in front of me who talked about karate all the time actually knew karate. That's how I ended up getting hip tossed in front of 90 students who knew better, including the girl I had a crush on. Congratulations on all your success, Chris. I just talked about karate. Talked about karate all the time. This is a karate girl. This is a karate. This is a karate. enthusiast, yeah. That's like somebody says they really like knives. You should just believe them. Well, if someone says they like knives once, okay. But if they talk about knives all the time, I'm not going to challenge them to a knife fight.

This is an interesting phenomenon too, because if you had a girl in your class who talked about horses all the time and how much she loved horses, you would probably fairly assume she knew how to ride a horse or at least not disbelieve her when it was put a bad. out that she knew how to ride a horse, but because it's karate, which is a thing that you yourself may someday aspire to, you have to put up that barrier. And that's how you get hip tossed, Chris. Thank you for sharing.

Let me do a short one and then a slightly less short one. From L.M. Probus double zero, perhaps. There we go. Three words. Nail gun, fight. Not a disaster. That's lethal weapon, too. That's not a. disaster that's Tuesday it could lead to a disaster fair enough if you're not a if you're a person who talks about nail guns all the time if you're if you're the nail gun boy or the nail gun girl or what have you then you know you're not the person to challenge to a nail good fight um from rob b edy i was six seven and 135 pounds you read that right and i gave my five eight three hundred pound offensive guard a slap and ran away i love this

do who's the there's a cartoon duo like that right like with those asterisk and obeliques yes uh weeks later he saw me in the hallway and thunder clapped me so hard i collapsed like an accordion knock the wind out of me farted loudly in front of my crush lots of these things are happening in front of crushes at this point might i add we are extremely high school territory here tacked on with the fart because it's if you're watching it you might have held on you might you might have held it together the fart is the and one no it's the end one yeah that's the the music of the language here by rob is amazing collapse like an accordion knock the wind out of me you hear that sound again farted loudly we know it sound the fart made because it says accordion and wind just like

boom this man's collapsing with all these sounds coming out of them nice writing rob also if you absolutely knock the shit out of a six seven one hundred and thirty five pound man, whatever happens is going to be hilarious. It's like deflating one of those, one of those car dealership, wobbly man. Yeah, it looks like that you, it looks like you absolutely knock the crap out of a wobbly man. It also sounds like Rob was the one they went to the, I, dude, to see how the bean pole guy uniforms fit. Find me the, find me the, find me the, find me the skittiest man. Find me the lifest man here. We got one slender man fit.

Yeah. it's slenderman it's a family name go find the string bean who gets sand kicked in their face at the beach find me the folded up boy yeah yeah bring your tachon prince looking ass in here uh i um i love i have a couple that i picked because i love the cost benefit analysis immediately done by the people in these situations I think the snap judgments are both completely accurate. Justin Robinson, I applaud your quick thinking because, according to Justin, 10th grade English class right after lunch, shat myself in the back of class. One, well done for not shitting yourself in front of the class. It's got a rhythm to it. Luckily, it was able to run to the bathroom without anyone noticing back of the class. Again, super wise. If you're someone who's good to have an O ring blow out once or twice a semester, you might want to go ahead, just park yourself by the door because it's going to happen is this a common thing shouts out to ibs oh i guess so and then then got to the bathroom without anyone noticing went to my gym locker changed into my shorts and then just left school correct correct correct reaction i don't think you did exactly what you should do when you shut your pants which is just shut it down we're done for the day y'all we've done all we're on to

Cleveland. We're not Lamar Jackson. You don't have to come back onto the field after doing it. They got it from here. They'll be fine without you. No, that's fine. That's why we got a depth chart, man. Yep.

We got backups. There's 20 kids per class. They got this. This is next pant up. Yeah, I love that he showed up the next day. And they're like, buddy, you got to do in school suspension. And he goes, I know. I know.

Happy to. Yeah, because in his quote, because the story ends. totally worth the week of in-school suspension for skipping to keep that secret. You're damn right, Justin. Justin, I don't know you, but I hope you have retained this level of self-possession into into adulthood

because I feel like it's going to serve you well, man. Speaking of possession. Not within the story itself, the pants disappeared. And I like that, that Justin didn't reveal that because that's compromising evidence, right? Where are the pants, Justin, you a fucking cop, you got to

warrant. I'm not telling me where the pants are. Some say they still walk these halls. Some say they still smell bad to this day. This is also, by the way, I wanted to follow that up. And the caretaker said, this locker room has been empty for 30 years. Sorry. This is another example of snappy cost-benefit analysis and reacting very quickly and decisively to the situation. At Beef Husker 84. There he is. says sixth grade field trip to a nature preserve laughed so hard i pissed myself rather than suffer the humiliation of a bunch of 11 year olds i pretended to trip and fall into a pond good good smart smelled like swamp water the rest of the day still better than being peepants

frowning that's wow i love i love that he did it and instantly was like whoop just threw himself without a thought into the nearest thought. Ejecto Cito. Removed himself from the situation. What happens when you're covered in shame?

You baptize yourself, right? Then you're washed and you're brand new. The washed brand new part didn't apply here, but it was I love laugh so hard. I pissed myself. It's something going on in nature preserve. Look at that goat. Maha!

Oh, no. Like, there's nothing that funny happening in the nature preserve. But when you're in sixth grade, everything is really funny. What a wild sequence to have witnessed is this kid absolutely losing it over something a goat was doing. And then you look over it out of the corner of your eye. He's flying into a pond. As if like, I just beat myself laughing a little bit. It was pointing laughing at a chicken or something and then dive sideways straight into a mud pit and says that, well, that was better than,

the alternative. Why? You'll never know. Imagine being an on-looking human or the goat beholding this scene. Now the goat's pissing itself laughing. What a feral dog of a child. There's only one way out of this. Got to throw myself in a pond. No, I'm I'm on the kid's side for this. That is situation of awareness that you cannot teach. 100%. No, you're never catching this dude doing anything. I love it. I feel like I'd rather be caught peeing myself than be caught falling into the stinky pond. Oh man, not me. Because like you're smelling bad.

You're gross wet. But one of them is way less wet. Well, he's 11. Main metric for me. He said that he failed. He faked falling in like he faked tripping. And I know that being 11 and not great at all of this, right? He probably said, oh no.

Or whoops, as he was going in. Because that's what both of my sons would do loudly and theatrically. Like, I'm accidentally falling in. Well done, dude. Let me see what I got cooking up here. I have one that I have to. Let's go from cost benefit analysis directly to the University of Michigan. And our favorite Michigan correspondent, Braves and Birds.

Okay. Now, y'all, this one takes some turns. So you're just going to have to hang with me. I got held in contempt in an eighth grade civics mock trial, says Michael, who retains all of this information to this day. I was a lead lawyer for the prosecution. Concerned that my friend Martin and I were being too competitive. Hmm, game cheating. The witnesses conspired to tell a story that they were making the whole thing up.

Wow. The new story meant that I would have won because one of the witnesses would have. have been guilty, but I could not win that way, says Michael, a grown man with an advanced degree and two children. I tried to get the witness to recant on the stand. She would not. I threw a pen at a desk breaking the pen into the teacher, a Purdue grad, kicked me. Do you remember where your eighth grade anything teacher went to college? I was not aware of college. Yeah, I don't remember any of my eighth grade teachers. They play football there. That's about it. The teacher, a Purdue grad, me out of the trial and gave me a sea. I went home in tears. Thirty three years later, I am a big

firm partner who pays the mortgage by litigating. The moral of the story, kids, is to throw that pin, win your way, and don't listen to Purdue grads. Now, lest you think Michael has no sense of humor, he adds a coda here. I should add that the invented story by the witnesses entailed a girl-on-girl affair that 13-year-old me should have applauded, but I was so single-minded about beating Martin by Queensberry rules that I ignored that little element. That part is quite impressive. It is. Cell phone within or cell phone. That a 13 year old boy heard that without

passing out is one thing. It's this kind of dedication that put him through that put him through some of our nation's finest public universities. In this story, Jason, he would pass out and then fart when he hit the ground, right? It's the end one.

Let's see. From Mr. O'Kee, O'9, working one-on-one with an eighth grader who was banned from the internet, wow, for Googling college girl boobies. And from the internet, the whole thing. It's too bad. You're out of here. You can never online.

Get your ass out of here. Oh, my God. This is an amazing sentence. Google's like, is that DJ college girl boobies? Get him off. That's a burner. that fucking sicko we got your photo on the wall

for a reason pervert I like that you just put him on the photo on the wall of Google like it's a break room and there's just somebody server Google it it's like when DJ Khalid had to call Apple to install

more servers because his album was was breaking Apple college girl it asked me if I meant college girl boutiques so I guess that should well that's because they're trying to reroute this guy he's trying to find his way back in is what's happening. College girl backpack, college, oh, nope, there it is.

Okay. There it is. So it's still, it's still an operative. We haven't shut it down. I thought we got rid of this guy. He still lurks about. So anyway, what happens next is I, Mr. Pocke-09, joked on an orange slice. Who should save the day, but none other than Mr. College Girl boobies, who gave Mr.

Pocke-09 the heimlich after some bad charades, probably involving boobs, I guess. And Mr. College Girl Boobies went from Pariah to winning an award from local EMS at graduation. Fucking valedictorian college girl boobies. I just thought about this. If you're making the choking sign, doesn't it look like you're hugging a pair of boobs to your neck? Yeah. I understand his confusion. Are you chugging on boobs?

Are they in your throat? If so, do you want me to save you or not? Because I wouldn't want to be safe, bro. I can only imagine. how I got in this mess in the first place. I don't want to live like this, man. I don't want to live like you. What a way to go. I just love the idea that they're on the stage, a bunch of blue-clad EMS guys who are like, we support DJ College girl boobies. We've given him an award.

I'm going to, I'm going to bring in another first responder here from longtime friend of the program, Hamilton Cook, who had a birthday recently. Happy birthday to our Leo King. Got stuck in the playground. says Hamilton Cook, and they had to call the fire department to bring crow bars to get me out. Now, this is funny for two reasons. One, the visual, but two,

many of you may remember Hamilton Cook as Tennessee sewer Batman, and this incident occurred weeks after he had to be retrieved from a Chattanooga Storm Tray. This is the Batman Year 1 story. Year 1, one of the best Batman comics is like it's about like when Batman

didn't really know what he was doing. Right? You have the origin story, and then you have Batman sort of fumbling around getting stuck in the playground and stuff. Listen, Gough Hamilton Cook was going through it in this year. Okay. I have one which is actually a triumph, a triumph from William Montanaro. Elementary school. I brought an oil timer to school. What's that? Oil timer is like one of those little things that you, it's filled with different shades of oil. you flip it up and down, and it looks like little colorful globules of oil are floating up effortlessly, usually at a little pool.

I feel like you don't have those anymore, and I kind of see why after this. Uh-huh. It busted in my book bag while playing basketball on the school playground, but I put my bag in the closet anyway. It smelled, all caps, awful. 11 kids went home sick. Everyone's bag lunch got tossed and everyone got free pizza. Yay! The fire department made us have two-hour recess.

That has been at the end when we all lined up. Everyone chanted my name. I guess this isn't really a disaster story for me. This is a humble brag. This is a flex. This is, well, we're allowing it because you sent 11 kids.

I know, there's 11 kids all I'm sick and they're like, well, those who remain will be champions. I poisoned the school, but we all got pizza in a two-hour reason. I left playing basketball. ball with glassware in my backpack. Yeah, I had like test tubes and stuff in my bag. I'm open.

Those 11 kids are just sitting on their couch and going, well, yeah, well, yeah, well, yeah. So there I was. I had the ball, you know, posting up, posting up my defender. Yeah, I got a glassware full of chemicals in my bag, but he gave him a good stern shackling spun around. And what the next thing I know everyone's throwing up and I'm eating pizza. It's a pretty good day. I mean, those. kids those kids were at home playing like banjo and kazooey they were fine so i had you know i had like this fucking napalm and whatever my backpack and and dude's driving down the lane am i going to am i going to take the charge course i am playing on my feet boom fell flat on my back the explosion went off and we all got beats it was sick this is all this is always this is the bill moral rule right you're like

man what a terrible day you're like well for most everyone yes but someone bowl 300 that day oh god um i have so i have two i don't know if you want me to go back to back or yeah do it yes yes server sesh i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna close with the one i mentioned in pre-show but the first one came to me while you guys were talking because i think i'd kind of buried this away my best oh excellent that's the good shit look every time this happens to me something real interesting comes out well i don't i think i just don't know that anyone knows i'm i was the reason this happened but um so my best so my best it was it was field day and my best friend lee was a lot more athletic than me and he was really fucking crushing it and we got to like the long jump for some reason

we were doing like the long jump like they do in track and field where you jump into a sand pit to see who can jump the farthest and everyone was jumping and they were just kind of like it was more like they were just like jumping from a base i told lee i was like and and then they were going like with their hands and i was like lee no no no no you got to go full on feet first that's how you're going to get the farthest if you you got to like just lay out with those feet and that's how you're going to do it he was like okay and so then he he did go feet first and he broke his back okay he fractured a couple vertebrae in his back and had to wear a back how far to go though uh he won he did that he got the farthest in the day um hard

of a champion. Cost of a champion? Cost of victory. Yeah. Coach Cerber. He had to wear a back brace for the rest of, uh, well,

I guess it was the rest of eighth grade and the first, the worst part was it was the first semester of his freshman year. He went to a different high school because they had like he really wanted to play soccer and get a soccer scholarship. So he went to a school with a good soccer team and he didn't get to play soccer that year. And also the insurance company sued our K through eight school and one. and like took a ton of money from a very, very small K through eight school in Yadkin County, North Carolina. And basically, I feel I'm to blame for all of that because I told him how to joke.

Why? You just brought the best out in him. Server, not, server, server. He won. He did win. Was Clint Eastwood to blame in Millen Dollar Baby, a movie I haven't seen? Probably. Maybe.

That's not the point. So, yeah, that's mine. The other one is more, the other one I have is more recent. So first day of school at my wife's middle school was today. Wait, wait, when you say my wife's middle school. Yes, like the one she is the school counselor at now. There we go. Sorry.

Just making sure. Listen, I don't want this to get taken out of context later on by those haters at split zone duo. So this was last week when it was just. teacher, staff, like faculty, everybody was there except for the students. And they all went to lunch together. And as they're driving, my wife had one of the other office personnel in her car with her. They're driving past. And she was like, Chelsea, is that a dildo in the parking lot?

And it's just like, I don't know. We'll have to see when we come back. So they come back and she passes by. She's like, holy shit, it is a big pink dildo. And so she's like, they get out of the car. everyone goes back, I think they're the only two that have seen it based on the way she told this story. She sees it,

takes a picture of it, and then goes back to the, because she's not going to pick it up. Why not? Well, she goes back to the office, and like the, she has to tell, like, the, there's no one else is in there except for, like,

their office administrator, uh, like secretary. And she's like, she's very old. And those women, yeah, those women can make or break you.

Yeah. And she, She's like, one, she's like, I'm trying, so she says it. She just like, miss whatever, there's a, there's a weaner in the parking lot. And so everyone starts laughing. And then like, as they're laughing, the principal comes back into the office. She's like, what's going on? She's like, there's a, there's a big pink wiener out in the, out in the parking lot.

They're dying. They go to the, to the janitor to get the, um, the pinchers. But like the hazmat bubble. Well, they got a trash can and like the, you know, the trash. pick her up pinchers or whatever. I'm just picturing it being tastefully covered with a tarp. Well, here's where it gets really

fucked up. My wife and principal went back out to the parking lot to get the dildo and throw it away and it was gone. I asked, why not? Nature is healing. That's my this bears you the visual of them

creeping up on it like the crocodile hunter. Oh boy. The only comparison I have to this is at one time, I killed a spider, and this is back in my pre-enlightenment days about spiders. And I killed a spider in my kitchen that was truly of enormous size. And I could not bear to look at it for long enough to scoop it up. So I just left it there overnight. And then the next morning it was gone. And I can't decide what's worse, that it wasn't dead and limped away to seek revenge or that something bigger came along and ate it.

But yeah, that's way less interesting than parking. let dildo. The wandering dildo. I wonder if an eagle took it. I was thinking it had returned to its natural habitat. How majestic. This is way better. If I was, do you know how hard I would laugh? It was like, oh, this is a food drop. And then

oh, God, we're being bombed. That dig is playing possum. How hard I would die laughing if I saw the majestic symbol of our nation's, Strength and power flying against a sunset with a gigantic dildo. I think we've solved several news items coming out of Portland this week with this one story. America's back. Please say this happened.

All right. I'm going to pivot us from dildos into substitute dildos by which I mean dads. I got two in a row here that both involved dads, neither of which are that disastrous, but I think they're funny. Had my dad as a high school history teacher, says Payne in the Sash on Twitter. He goes through some stuff that's not that interesting, but I just wanted to include that his dad tried to take a cell phone off someone in class, but it turned out to be the kid's insulin pump, which is, you know, as these things go, give me your phone. It feels like a fairly open and shut case. But also, this was a history teacher, again, not a science teacher. You're never letting your dad off the hook for that, right?

I don't know. Ever. Anyway, this is the lead into a second story from La Planc, long-time listener. Hello, Leplanc. This isn't mine, but my dad's. So Le Plank's dad takes over narration here. In high school, physics teacher decided they would calculate the speed of sound by using the lag time between light and sound over known distance. They would blow up a hydrogen-filled balloon on one.

Stop me if you see the problem. They would blow up a hydrogen-filled balloon on one goal line at the football field and standing at the other gold line use a stopwatch and time the difference between seeing and hearing the explosion. The first balloon didn't make enough of a bang to be heard 100 yards away, so he filled the second one much bigger. It blew a hole in the end zone, a yard across at a foot deep, and that week's game was canceled. Quitters. Oh, God. um i have one that is another example of girls getting things done i got a girls getting things done story what time does football practice end usually say you get out at you know two 30 or three what time

six 30 six 30 yeah right at like if you're really like that's a long practice you're getting out at six 30 okay that that helps some useful background for this um it's from foster de oriso broke up with my girlfriend in the parking lot while my car was running after football practice she locked herself in my car and I had to call my mom to come pick me up she got out around 8.30 and texted me

she left it running. At a girl. Good girl. I love the split custody type stuff from a high school breakup right? Yeah. Like usually it's like, give me back my hoodie. This is like, this is my car now.

I live here. She's in there for two hours. The mom apparently did not intervene on her son's behalf, which kind of tells me about whose behavior was at fault here. Like, I'll come get you, but I can see your girl's squatters rights on your vehicle that I probably paid for. What did you do? She's just decided to claim her territory.

What'd you do, Foster? this is fair foster why did you get out of the car i don't understand that part also this was after football practice did you did you just have nothing left in the tank did you leave it on the field or did you get beat in lateral speed by a non varsity athlete i don't know she was a non varsity athlete maybe maybe she was a volleyball player they have great lateral speed well i i have one more story of people claiming territory so to speak what do you mean Winning a battle. This is from at Cliff Clinton.

Cliff, I hope everything's healed. Got into a prank war with my friend in a senior year of high school. He ended up kicking me in the taint, causing swelling in my urethra, a surgery, and a superpubic catheter. Cliff, I don't think that's how you spell urethra, but I'm sorry about all this. I wouldn't spell urethra right after getting kicked like this either. War sweatpants and a came to school when I wasn't bedridden. pity nominated for prom king lost what a look though sweatpants and a cane what a dream yeah what a dream prom day like he's going he looks like he's playing in the big three if this has happened now god i'd feel like thor after that what i kicked a dude this is a dream prom date though you have to be excited about your your daughter's dates famously non working dick as or your son or your sons what a deaf jam fight for new york boss this is sweatpants and a cane that other dude though oh my god made his entire high school

career what you do well i was on a roll and i kicked my friend in the taint so hard he was hospitalized i kicked his i kicked his taint so hard he almost was prom king that's your i almost kicked him into a crown i always kicked him into royalty that's your finishing move and wrestling from there on you're like that's very southern you're like You know what a girl would do? A girl in the situation would be like, well, bless her heart. She deserves the crown after how hard I kicked her ass. Like a girl would know how to handle this.

You kicked someone in the taint so hard. They had to stand on stage in his sweatpants. I don't know how long it was ago either, but this might have been back in the day when you had no non-fugly sweatpan options. Mm-hmm. This could have been in the Zubaz era. I mean yeah you would have wanted to have a substantial amount of space in there it's it's medically unadvisable for me to wear jeans right now sorry sorry also as royalty I can wear the robes of my

people which are sweatpants I have to dress like the big Lebowski because someone kicked me in the taint I think that he said he lost you didn't ever skip us that you tell him nominated for prompt lost to whom a guy who got kicked in the dick harder played through more pain I'm like yeah man I kicked him so hard one of his nuts flew off we had to make him prom king the worst would be if he lost to the guy who did the kicking that would be fucked up

I think we'd be storming this school right now that's not right I wouldn't you know what he asserted his territory in space he claimed his crown I don't know you that's my crime Let me read from Grant C. Bartlett. We had two cross-country guys, my junior year, decide to hop in a moving box car while on a run. Wise guys.

They had to call their dads to pick them up a parish away. Everyone made train sounds around them until they graduated. Casey Jones. also can I appreciate the subtle detail of a parish away of course this was Louisiana um let's see let me let me do both these are really good uh from spear chase accidentally threw out my retainer in seventh grade accidentally okay my mom made me look through the school dumpster for it and i found it came into school the next day wearing it. Double L.

Just a cascade. And finally, my single favorite one of all, from the real CMAX. I'm upset about this already. I'm upset at how hard. I blew my knee out running for the bus. How old were you in middle school?

Are you? Oh, my goddamn knee. But you already fought in the war? Yes, right after I returned from the Somme. You blew out your knee running for the surge day. Like you were just going to go. I was going to watch a corporation advertised for a sugary energy soda. But instead I tore my ACL.

Well, that guy needs some surge quick. Yeah, Eddie, Clinton, have you tried rubbing surge on that tweet, buddy? the carbonation should clear everything up nicely maybe just put it right in the put it right in the catheter buddy it never heard nobody it's basically a steroid oh my god I bet everyone on the bus laughed at so hard he's sitting there holding his mangled knee and they're like ah my hip our body's betraying us as many years away this is fun. Did the bus driver pull away like they were British nobility? Like, well, he's no good

now. Leave him for the crows. He'll have to make his way among the rag pickers. It was a tough life at Agoncourt junior high, but you know what? I learned to be a man. Surely he can ferro arrows for the knives.

What he can do. How did it work out for the pages? Yeah. I have a couple more to finish us off here. I've got one from Travis Lund. and I really need you to imagine the audio on this college in percussion section of orchestra

got way too far gone before the annual midnight Halloween concert we were doing also Sproc Zarathustra absolutely fucked up the timpani part something awful director booted me immediately after still majored in music though so so it's this but in real life right it's the messiah it's the messiah organist yeah let me let me play it off my phone

yeah there is a version of this in real life because this is the 2001 team this is South Carolina's entry music the boom oh there's actually a version of that hang on there's their version of this somewhere on the internet somebody messed up that timpany part I was going to say the timpany is quite important to that song and it's very simple I hope it was just a single stroke right

I'm looking for the real version. the famous summer nights the one person who starts clapping okay I found that hang on I found the actual one that I was looking for y'all vamp I have one more which is from Bob Maxwell

New York last day of school junior year we can all drive now four of us think it'll be funny to throw water balloons from the bridge at our old bus. Oh, yeah. The Tippity player doesn't mess that up. Well done.

No, the Tiffany player is great. The trumpets we've got to have a word about. Disagree. this is still on YouTube after like 12 years I only mean because it doesn't count as a copyright infringement it is magnificent okay wait

okay we're getting to the good part that wasn't the good part no this is shit yes C-L-E-M-S-O this is a 2001 before the obelisks arrive yeah yeah um where were we with bob i hope that was worth

where we with bob maxwell the last davis junior air we can all drive four of us think it'll be funny to throw water balloons from a bridge at our old bus first balloon smashes the windshield rest of the summer six a m called to the bus yard to wash buses damn yeah you want to put water on a bus fucko I'll show you how to put water on a bus. So they were almost out. Last day of junior year. But almost out,

but the game pulled them back in for one more job. It's not that. It'll be easy. We'll get in. We'll throw the balloons and we'll get out. Clean, right? It doesn't work like that. How big were these balloons?

Like, damn, Bob. Were you using that heavy water? I'm thinking one of those little ones. They're still way too tight. Surge balloon. It's it's unimaginably dense. It's got corn syrup in it. We don't know how they carbonated it.

My mom got a call from the school once. They said your daughter threw something out of a car or at a car out of a bus. And they're like, what? She goes, a glass Coke bottle that she had gotten somehow had thrown it because a friend that said, I bet you won't throw that. And she said, all bet. and threw it out and apparently caused like $500 worth of damage to a windshield. God, your sister, can we do just one whole episode on your sister?

She's a legend. I think she hit like a Porsche. I think she like bounced off a minivan clean with no dense, hit the Porsche and shattered every piece of glass in the car. I don't know if this was covered under a sibling disasters episode or something previously, but have you told the story on this show about how you threw her shit out of the car? I believe I have. Can you retell it now because it's terrific? Yeah, that I was late from a meeting of my sister who was bad.

And every single morning of every single day we ever spent in the same house, just like pathologically unable to awake on time, get clothes on and leave without having eight to nine different screaming fits. Just not, not anything, an unholy presence from six in the morning to around 11 should never, ever have been awakened before that before the age of 25 and took it out. and the rest of us horrible, like an actual horrible part of my life was spending mornings with my sister. They were all bad experiences. I'm not laughing about them except for this. Okay, this is supposed to be funny. Yeah. Just, just, no, just bad. You're like, if any, like, if anyone living with her was like, man, let me tell you, I'd be like, no, no, you don't know. You didn't go through this. And would frequently make everyone late, like late for school, which I really shouldn't have

cared about at the time, but it was stressful. So this happened. for the better part of year and a half. And finally, second semester, senior year, I am at some kind of dork meeting. I don't know, it was Dork Club or Dork Lee Club or Dork Band. It was one of my after school Dork meetings. And I told her beforehand, but she had forgotten. So she probably had to wait around for about 45 minutes

while we did our Dork business. So I come out and it's me and my girlfriend walking out to the car and she looks at me and starts ripping into me and just goes, you motherfucker, you're late. I got things to do. Shouldn't have shit to do. She didn't have anything.

She had to go home and listen to my boo on the radio. Like, that was it. There's nothing else to do. Same. And she's like, you're going to make me late. I can't believe you did this. You should have told me.

You're just an absolute jerk. And I said, no, that's cool. No, that's cool. And then she starts to hit me. And I was like, I'm not going to punch my own sister in a parking lot. This is not. I've moved away from Tennessee.

I have not. going to engage in family fisticuffs in a parking lot. This will not happen. So we get in the car and she is still screaming at me and occasionally swiping at me. And that is when I pull out, back up, start driving,

get up to about 30 miles an hour, grab her bag and chuck all her shit out the window. Just throw the whole thing out the window. And I'm like, how you like that, huh? How you like that? Are you happy now? Are you happy now?

I did the Jonathan Winters thing from It's a Mad, mad, mad, mad, mad, mad world. Where it's like, yeah, go ahead, demolish the gas station. and I demolished the gas station. I threw everything in there out. She had stuff in there. There may have been the most prized possession of that generation, a disc man.

There was some hair product. There was every single textbook she had. Any work that she had due, which she had not done. I remember at one point she told my mom, I had my homework in there. No, you didn't. You didn't ever have homework in there. I didn't throw that out. I think I threw her wallet.

If she had had the Hope Diamond in there, I would have chucked into the nearest storm drain. Like, it didn't matter. It was all going out the window. all of it and when I got home my mom was like um do you want to apologize to your sister and I'm like nope nope this is it's what happens when you let some bill for like a good nine months a good 12 months a good 16 months of this oh yeah it was good satisfying all right I'm going to close this out on appropriately a Kyle and a Bama adjacent story Kyle Kyle has three disasters here to share with us. They are all short.

Busted for playing cards before band in school suspension because betting. Busted for fantasy football in school suspension because betting. The one that earned him an out of school suspension because capitalism busted for selling bootleg

little debbies. Good night, everybody. Roll tide.