Shutdown Fullcast - SEC CIVIL WAR, POD PEOPLE EDITION

Episode Date: August 4, 2021

HOTTY PODDY, Y'ALL. We revisit a beloved classic Fullcast format, and game out what might happen if (when) the newly expanded SEC goes to war … with itself. Jason is our Dan Carlin Dungeonmaster, as always. Naturally, this all leads to a number of gumbo arguments. Featuring a surprise Split Zone Duo guest! Don't worry, it's not Godfrey. The whole gang agrees on something for the first time in show history. We have had another online commerce incident. Still not Ryan's fault!! NEW BUSINESS IDEA: Wingstop + Zales??? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

What is the most upsetting combination of businesses you have ever encountered under one roof, a la, you know, KFC Taco Bell? Sure. I need to find what this was that I found recently. It was in the outer banks. At exit 81 going north on the I-75 in Tennessee, the Lenore City exit, which is where I get off to go the back way to go home. There is a combination, I think left to right.

It is pet store, gun store, leather goods store like horses and shit, and then prom dress rentals. That's a whole weekend. Now, is this, how are you to find a combination? Do they have to, like, have shared rooms or? This is in one of those, this is like an old, old concept of a strip mall. Like the building is like, it looks like a brick motel. and I think that's probably what it originally was.

Yeah, I know what you're talking about. Let me see if I can find a street view and I'll send it to you. Like it looks like there is an actual cornbone motel not too far from here and it kind of looks the same. You guys ever go to a McDonald's Pizza Hut before? A what? I'm familiar with it.

That's incredibly 90s. That was a 90s thing. Is this pre-night? I'm pretty sure that I was, I'm pretty sure that I was at one. in like on 12 like the north carolina outer banks road like when i was coming up from there back in like april but i can't find the specific i mean you should be able to find it there's just one road this shouldn't be that hard this is not this is not exactly what you're talking about

holly but the bowling alley we went to his kids and i'm sure i've talked about this before backed up to a nudist colony and they had have discussed that yeah so that's mine is the nudist colony bowling they do nudist do love bowling though rumoredly they had nude bowling night no they they do you that nude um I had

a couple of classmates in high school no they do who went to that nudist club yeah and they would go there and bowl that was their thing they always went for bowling night now the best part is that was a couple of goth girls

it was like the last people. Yes, I remember. I remember we talked. What do you mean the last people? Did you say the last people you expected? I didn't know much at the time about gotts. Okay. So at the time I was very surprised. How whether gotts have to seek out air condition? What part of them being gotts was surprising the nudity or the Boland? That they would go because gotts and the people who are nudists, nudists are in retrospect, it makes sense because gotts and nudists are both secretly joiners. You know, they're there. Yes. Or at least because gotts are like, I'm lonely and I'm dark and I have friends, lots of friends

and I'm actually quite happy. They're both alleged loners but always have 10 friends. Rup loners. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, okay, I found it. I found it. So if I just drop if I just drop the link that's in Google on the top, okay, so I don't know how long ago this is taken.

If I just dropped this like the link for this into the chat, can y'all see it? When have I ever told a joke? Guns and tuxedo. They also, so I think, think this was taken a while ago. You can see the colorful sign

on the, wow, is Ruff's pet shop. Yeah. And the prom dresses are on the right. The guns and leather are in the middle. There was a sign up in the middle when I went home a couple weeks ago that they have added jewelry to the middle store.

I mean, y'all can see this used to be like a motel six or something. This, this, this is this strip mall, this strip mall is like, Like, I'm not even sure what to call it. Like, is that a strip mall? What is that?

Between, it's the circle of life in so many ways. Like, leather right next to pet store with guns is really very special. Oh, wow. Yeah. There's an entire life cycle of a person here. Yes. Yeah. I'm trying to figure out which way it goes.

Like, does it go from owning a pet to guns to prom or vice versa? I think it's. I guess it kind of depends on whether you're heading east or west. Yeah. Like, like if you start at prom, and then you have a wedding and you need a tuxedo and they need guns and leather to defend your home. Shotgun wedding.

Wait. I need leather to defend my home and then you settle down with a pet. Unless you use up all the leather at the wedding. I need leather to defend my home, Spencer. This is also the shield. This is also the design of this building. The design of this building is cursed Sims house. So this is like the first thing I see

when I get off the interstate. Like this building is the symbol of I am almost home, which is why I pay attention to because it's like the first thing that you pass after you get past the little like cluster of fast food restaurants at the exit. And it's I always look over. I've never been in. I've never been into any of these stores. And I just always kind of look over to see like what new lines of. I would like to think there's a family involved here. And it's either like the no account or the responsible brother being told, you have to put your sister's prom dress in the store. Or the, the sister being told,

you have to put your brother's gun shop in the store. Like one of them has gotten their lives right and one of them really has not. welcome to the shutdown fullcast you are listening to the internet's only college football podcast i am spencer hall and this is a single business business there is no other business other than podcast business and college football business. The thing that I wanted to open the show with was somebody who has decided that a single business is not all that we're going to have to pile several businesses under one roof, a hallowed American tradition in the vein of the infamous Kentaco Hut, aka the tripartite Kentucky Fried Chicken Taco Belt and Pizza Hut, once birthed by the monstrosity

that is Yum Brands and this comes from sources Max Olson at the Athletic Big 12 Commissioner Bob Bullsby to meet with the PEC 12's George Klafkoff on

Tuesday. The meeting is expected to be a key first step and talks about whether the two conferences would benefit from strategically working together during college sports new phase of re-alignment.

why start now i guess is my question what a fantastic sport that we're like should the actual bodies that organize it work together in any way let's have one initial talk let's have one talk let's have a working oh we got to form the working group let's have a working group to be superseded by a committee hey you got a working group right here look at that say their names yeah we do uh joining us today, prompting the introductions is Holly Anderson, our perpetual guest host on the show.

Another perpetual guest host, Ryan Nanny, joins us from Nashville, Tennessee. Say hello, Ryan. Hi. Have you ever worked at Combination Business? I, no, I haven't worked at a combination business. No. So you've robbed a combination business. I'm not about to admit to that on this program.

I'm not that bad of a lawyer. Have you decoupled a combination business? That's the dream, isn't it? Yeah, this pizza, that's mine. I'm severing it. Like, just pulling the connector between train cars? Ha ha! Pull away!

Taco Bell! Oh, God damn it, they have all the cash registers on that side. I have all the BK fish! Shit! I have the salad bar! No! My co-host, you can hear, bemoaning the loss of the

salad bar, is Jason Kirk, live from beautiful Kennesaw, Georgia. You're looking especially verdant today, your surroundings, that is, and you maybe, because you are wearing green. Thank you. It's raining, and I'm hoping you're picking up rain sounds. If not, then hopefully they will accumulate over the course of the podcast until I am no longer audible. Once again, I ask for a Brazilian rainstick to be expensed for the purpose of appearing

on this show. Hey, listen. With some of that hot podcast sponsorship money, I think the least we can do is get you a Brazilian rainstick. If you're a Brazilian rainstick company and you like to sponsor this show, shut down to pullcast at gmail.com. I think the kind thing to do actually would be for Spencer to bite the bullet and put on a whole one-man band outfit so that Holly can just point at different parts of him and say, hey, symbols. It's only unfair. As if the one, yeah, I can't play any of the instruments, but I can hit them all rapidly. It's like a Mega Man villain Drumman.

Is the Zoob tube still in this room? Somewhere, yes. Somewhere in this room is a zoom tube. The guest this week, who's going to help us sort through some pods, would be Split Zone Duo's own, Alex Kirchner. And by the way, congratulations, new slate.com contributor. Thanks. I figured that I would get in touch with some of my best friends

to celebrate my new, my new blogging, you know? Well, what happened? No better group to blog with than this one. So for all time's sake. Well, I think Alex and I, fellow longtime Slate contributors, as we always expected to be described, I think we view the shutdown forecast audience

as like the overlap between the forecast and Slate's readership is just, it's a perfect circle. So what better way for Alex to reach out? Is this a bad time to announce that I'm buying Newsweek? Is this an awkward place for them? Honestly, they could do worse. Yeah, you could. I do think, I do really want at one point,

Jason Kirk, to take over Dear Prudence as well as it's done right now because I really do need to see people just writing in, asking you for advice on lawnmower accidents, right? Hey, listen, my uncle put that lawnmower in a ditch. How am I going to get the thing out? You're just going to leave it there, buddy. So it's going to happen. It'll be claimed by the earth.

It's my advice. for you. And watching over us from his godlike perch in the production booth would be Michael Serber. You cannot see this because this is an audio medium as I am reminded frequently. Total auto harps are hundreds of dollars.

Wait, that's hundreds of dollars too much for an auto harp. Dolly Parton. What about slight? Hold on. Can you Google gently used auto harp? Is it because of the automation because they play themselves? Because they're auto harps. What happens when you put computers and shit yeah these days all i was going to say is that michael servers wood paneling is looking

incredible cannot see it but but trust us there are deep fabulous record you're not you're not going to mention the mayo bowl shirt that he's wearing nope nope you know why because my vision's real bad and i actually can't see it from here wait i don't see the shirt either spencer's old enough to play for the lakers it's a male hey it's a mayo bowl shirt home field apparel home field apparel That's incredible. Yeah. By the way, to get that lawnmower out of a ditch, Jason, another lawnmower. Yeah, what we're going to do is we're going to throw it down there and then they will mate.

And eventually one of the lawnmowers will make its way to the surface and then we got a brand new lawnmower. It's part of their culture. It is not good for lawnmowers to be alone. They don't, they need social contact. They get scared. enrichment they get lonely wouldn't you they're like horses you got to brush the lawn

mower before you put it up for the night or it'll die I am called lone mowers I am happy to report that bad boy mowers do in fact have toe hitches thank you you're welcome for the bad boy singular for the bad kid mower

dad mowers out like I got the turn kid today I saw what I saw what I will call our bad boy mowers American of the week on TikTok. I saw a guy who posted his visit to the Georgia Highway Patrol office in his quadrant of the state of Georgia to see how street legal his four-tracked Hummer was that had a 50-Cal mount on it, okay?

Disabled 50-Cal, but still on the roof of 50-Cal mount. So they have a trooper on this TikTok just out there looking at it going, well, your registration's clean. these treads their regulation the only thing i can see is you need a more clearly displayed license plate that's all otherwise perfectly good actual combat vehicle because somebody had said hey man there's no way that thing's street legal and he's like well let's go ask the cops let's go get some emissions testing brother he's just drove it up to the cops that's like that's like the ultimate thing you can do as a white man yeah let's go ask the cops

What the fuck, man. Nobody else even remotely considers such a thing. But the white guy has such confidence in approaching law enforcement. Jason, have you ever worked at a combination business? No. Unless we count like the writer tutoring facility at college. It's kind of a common. Colleges are just big networks of combined businesses when you think of that.

Did your publics have any like associated business inside? I don't know if publics is anywhere, do that. Yeah, that's more of a Walmart thing. Yeah, Publix is very snobby. Oh, no, Kroger does that. Our Kroger has a mini mall inside it. Really? Yeah, Kroger takes whatever they can get.

You don't have a pharmacy in a Kroger or a Publix? No, I mean, our Kroger has a combination of computer repair and essential oil store inside it. Yeah, that's where I was going to start. Wigs, are there wigs? There are wigs. Yeah. I did think of one of my favorite combination stores, which is in New York and I think it's in Chinatown. It's one of the best places to get a book.

bond me and the bond me store is in the back of a jewelry store it is all one place you walk there's not like a door there's not like a hallway you just walk past the jewelry counter to the bond me counter and it's what's the traffic foot foot traffic breakdown like are most people going to eat i here's what i think happens i think people go to order bond me it takes a little bit so they browse the jewelry while they're right that's how i am every time i'm hungry captive audience so I'm eating a sandwich and I thought, why not buy a $10,000? I think the ideal customer here is Rick Ross.

I was so hungry I bought jewelry. That's Rick Ross like 10 times a day. Wing stop. Wow. Imagine if Wingstop and Zales merged. That would be fucking brilliant. Just a good idea.

Did we just invent another business? We did. I had a combination business that I had to use in China when I was buying rail tickets I went to the hotel and I'm like hey listen we need tickets for tomorrow and they're like it's a little late for tomorrow's train but if you go here

and you ask for like low then it'll be cool just go talk to low and like where is it they're like it's a combination butcher slash newspaper stand slash bootleg train ticket stop and I'm like that sounds very unusual which was my way of saying my primitive bad Chinese I think that sounds bad

sketchy and the guy's like no no it's cool just ask for low so I go and there's one person at the counter of this combination store and I'm like hey I want to talk to low about some train tickets and the backdrop of the store is like a cloth like you know like a curtain hanging yeah which I assume was like there's a back room back there right and he goes oh you want to talk to low okay cool reveal curtain yeah and it's just low sleeping on a cot right there and they like he kicks the cot to like wake his ass up and I'm like no no no don't he's like it's fine it's fine it's fine Just kick. Do you want to kick him? I'm like, no, no. That was my favorite combination business ever. It is not my favorite one that we have singled out for this here podcast,

and that comes from, again, the great state of Tennessee. But I guess, like, that makes as much sense having tuxedos and leather together as it does having, say, Oregon State and Kansas State potentially playing games with each other. Those are both leather. Oh, shit, this might actually. work. Actually, Oregon State would be leather, Kansas State would be guns. Right. Who's tuxedos? Oregon? Texas Tech. It happens. It is unanimous. It's settled then. Why that's right, but that's right.

Because we just watched Zorro. What was the last time that happened? That's scary. This means this means creating like a wax size, sort of meta conference that goes all the way from West Virginia Just think of it like a really old map of North America. Geographically

how much farther is this in the air than connecting any of the existing conferences to Hawaii? Probably not significantly. Alex, this feels like the kind of thing you've already looked up at some point. Probably about the same. I'm just thinking that you know, the whack collapsed under its own weight because

good luck fitting like it's just even if you forget geography and that this would be going from like morgan town to tucson or wherever that you know like if you have a conference where you have b yu and air force and uh Tulsa three universities that have a lot in common you know they stop getting along at some point but i can't imagine that texas tech baler and USC would ever disagree about anything so it would it would probably go great Stanford and Baylor a lot of California Baylor would be fine right arcains Mormons love airplanes all kill all killers um gentrification mm-hmm the um don't tell me that chip and Joanna wouldn't be at

home in Palo Alto yeah they would have a lot of time I think they would culturally yes the institutions would pretend like oh I don't know we have nothing in common them but then we'd stop and thinking as long as long as they change the name of the show to like people we just have vastly different ideas of what constitutes poor people they just have to change the name of the show to like fxr pfixer or per and it's like oh wow this is is it doesn't involve their entire staff is on strike what an innovative startup it involved the blockchain yeah all chip all chip gains has to do is speak in a really weird oh my god that's just he all you have to do is walk in the door in silicon valley and say hi my name is chip gains they're going to follow his feet bro you're here at last what does he do again the chosen one has come i um first i like the idea

that we have a thing called big 12 and pack 12 and we're assuming uh biggie and pock are going to get along this time um secondly west virginia is my single favorite piece of all this because west virginia fans are awesome they've been through this a hundred times yeah for the past 30 years west virginia's been tossed back and forth everywhere they end up that conference is doomed um the East, Big 12, wherever West Virginia goes, carnage follows, harbingers of disaster. And what do they do? They are now desperate to get into the ACC. Every West Virginia fan is making pitches to the ACC. There was even something the other day on, I think it was on a Reddit where like, there was some thread where everyone was like, wow, West Virginia fans are really chill

with all this. They've been through this shit a thousand times. And the reply was like, yeah, tell your ACC friends. We're really funny. Your ACC. Which, yeah, go go to your NC state friends. You know who's hilarious? Who's a great time at a party is West Virginia, which accurate. Yeah. By the way, like West Virginia, West Virginia is your friend who's gone bankrupt three times but knows all the ins and outs about being bankrupt, right?

Like, oh, man, about to go bankrupt. And they're like, listen, you got to declare North Dakota because you can sell your organs there, all right? And they don't tax you on it. Listen, if you list your boat as a religious service device, they can't seize it. it's the one who after the first bankruptcy slight trauma after the second bankruptcy on we the third energetic familiarity with the subject it's just like respawning west virginia has infinite respawned yeah that's what all the cryptids are for

what does the west virginian love more than camping nothing cryptids that's it we'll be hey we can wait out here all winter that's fine Crypted currency Also, by the way, the ACC has no good refusals for West Virginia because everyone is in the ACC. The ACC has no common

rubric of membership. Who do you reject West Virginia? Oh, well, your academics. Florida states in the conference. You already let Louisville in. You let Papa John University and they'll talk about academics. Georgia Tech, you dorks.

Well, the population footprint and the size of your student body, Wake Forest! Next. You can't prove where our student body is located. Because they're outside. I also love that if you take West Virginia, you probably need someone else to keep it balanced.

And who is the school that at the ACC once most? Welcome our two equal and esteemed universities, West Virginia and Notre Dame. Historic rivals, peers in every way. God and country. That's what we're bringing. Put it on the fucking memes, ACC. Do it just for that.

The God and country conference. But actually, it was perfectly with my plan to just have the Pact 12 and the Big 12 combined be called the whack. Because that's what we're going to call it no matter what. Yeah. Is that with a K on the end of it and an H as well? Yes. Yes. Okay.

Yes. W.A.K.H. See, I now want this to happen just so I can hear the words. You're looking live at Morgantown, West Virginia, where Notre Dame is playing a terrifying night. game against the West Virginia mountain years. Y'all grew your grass long. That's cute. Hey, do you know what you can sell the parts from this range rover for?

Yeah, it's not getting out of the parking lot. Our kickers trotting out with an anthracite blade between his teeth. Have fun. He's got four more hidden on him. You won't find out where until you try to tackle him. We'll just hide up here in the law school. Those are the real criminals. Oh, West Virginia law.

Yeah, who have they produced? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Go look. We'll wait. Yeah, I want this to happen. Listen, as a three-quarter breed, West Virginia, let me deliver to you now the news of people. You're making me look this up in real time? Yeah, go do it.

Yeah, yeah. You've never told a joke. Get on it. Yeah, we don't joke. Come on, man. Was it going to be like, like, Mike Florea? That's exactly who we met. That's not who we met.

The scourge of Morgan Town. That would be the, that would be. the best though if you went on a tour of west virginia law and that you said well hey who are some like a less perio law center it's like this is the florio law center the florio law center the florio floor i must be overlooking whoever this is on this list i'm not i'm not seeing a whole lot i mean there's a former appeals court west virginia judge a couple of them as a matter of fact actually i mean i'd hope so i think heather actually just has an undergrad degree uh Alex go ahead and look up heather brush and oh i know heather bresh is i'm my i'm my pittsburgh i could have told you that

There's the joke. Yeah, that's the, the failed daughter of someone who got like some. No, she's pretty successful. In a way, yeah. Yeah. The, I love the God and Country proposal. Oh, of Joe Mation.

Wow. Yeah, yeah. There we go. Yeah, no, I love the God and Country proposal. Like, this feels like fact. This feels like it has already happened and we're just foretelling it. West Virginia fans online seem pretty confident. I like it.

I like it because it's like, you know, I feel pretty, they got a good feeling about this. I was going to say, you know, when you go to a wedding and they have to pair like a groomsman and a bridesmaid that don't match, like one is way taller or something. Like that's Notre Dame and West Virginia walking down the aisle together where you're just like, oh, we ran out of people. Sorry. Yeah, the last member of each of each side. Yes. It's like you two have you met eight hours ago. Go to the far sides.

Don't talk to each other. I'm still I'm still reveling in that the ACC expanding to the point where they have they're utterly meaningless and that's why they're going to be the most fun conference that's why they're going to be the best bedfellows of all because there isn't a through line on any of them I love that well so it's the kind of ACC brand is being good at a lot of sports that don't matter right West Virginia is excellent at rifle it's the sport their best at your rifle dynasty they're like big a timber sports too, right? Yeah. That's what they're bringing to the table. Have you got timber sports going on, Notre Dame? Oh, God.

Notre Dame students doing timbers for us. Four amputations in week one. I, um, so the other West Virginia thing is there's the idea of the AAC might just eat the Big 12 because ESPN conspiracies or whatever. Um, and, uh, I've seen West Virginia fans like, fine. We're back with the other half of the Big East. Like, everything's coming up sunshine for West Virginia. As always.

This is mostly the sensation of my West Virginia-based family. I've just come from seeing them. And everyone there to a person is usually when I'm home, there are all kinds of questions about football. And this time it was more on the order of, hey, how are you guys feeling? They're like, eh. Yeah.

Also, can we point out the irony here? We're accusing West Virginia of being the happy vagrants of being the team that says, hey man well can we just you know sleep in a tent in your backyard can we just crash for a while when the team that actually does that right now in the acc is notre dame if you have to find a new home for west virginia who are you picking in why well i would probably most like the acc because i think west virginia fans miss pit more than they let on and they're going to have a good time in the parking lots the next couple years together who who is given more pining here i think west virginia and Mrs. Pittmore.

Wow. Okay. West Virginia is the one in a conference that's about to die. And I mean, pits in a conference where they'll forever be a second-class citizen in college sports because the ACC is never going to catch up to the big two. But, I mean, West Virginia is like two steps away from being back in non-power status. Which brings up, actually, Ryan, there's a bit of a lawyerly conspiracy theory that I have about this.

Please hit me. I love a lawyerly conspiracy. I think West Virginia are the happy vagrants. And they'd be totally fine going back with the other half of the Big East that's currently in the AAC. It would. But I think that Bob Bowlesby, the commissioner of the Big 12, doesn't want that because he doesn't, I don't believe he gets paid anymore if the Big 12 stops existing. Oh, you don't think the AAC would just hire him? Yeah, I mean, for his talents.

If you're asking me, do I think Bob Bolsby will somehow like not have a, like, this is college football? Of course he's going to be. You're right. Him and Bill Hancock are going to have a job till the earth has been subsumed by. this son. I apologize. Bill Hancock. Nicest man. So you think I don't know.

I can't imagine let me put this way. If what happened. I've got a question. Can Bob Bolesby type? That's a good question. Apparently not well enough to email back and forth with somebody. I bet like this. I bet like

click. I'm just trying to imagine other qualities he might have. If Bob Bolesby's primary concern right now is what's happening with West Virginia. Like, I feel like he's already done. Like, just go ahead and go ahead and close the book on that. If your plan, whole plan hinges on predicting what West Virginia will do, something has gone awry. Thus falls the Republic, the way of West Virginia. Now, what Bob Bowlesby should be doing, despite, despite accusing ESPN of trying to undercutta's conference, he should be trying to sell schools out to the highest bidder. He should put

himself out there as the middleman to be like, hey, you give me five million dollars and I give you a TCU. I guess the only counterpoint I have to that is that Bob Bowlesby accusing ESPN of colluding is incredibly entertaining. I think he can do both. Yeah. He could do a, he could do a Rod Blagojevich type thing with his skills. Yeah. Like I think, which part of the Rod Bogoyevich? I was going to say the auction. The auctioning. The auctioning. The auctioning off of public goods for private private gain type of multitudes. Why don't you just, why don't, it's none of this.

What's Rod Bogoyevich doing right now? Suing to run for office again, to be allowed to run for office again. That's why he's on my mind. Now I'm dead serious. That's wonderful. What terrific news for everyone. The man did his time. What a giver.

But like, what if Bob Bowlesby just put like, just put Kansas on eBay? And it was just like, let's see what happens. Let's see what the bidding gets to. You've made him the Vladimir Putin of the paint, I think Kansas is the hottest item here. This is just setting Kansas fans up for disappointment because you know eBay's got that little button that tells you

how many people are watching. I'm gonna, I'm a roll back. Only during March are people watching. I'm gonna roll back for a minute. Yeah. Alex, what the hell did you just say? I didn't set the parking break. I think Kansas, we were talking about this on Splitsone the other day.

Oh, he's tricked us. He's tricked us talking about his real football podcast. No, no, no. I just think he dangled a piece of it. He dangled a piece of niche football bait, and your dumbass just went spouser didn't set the fucking parking break. Fine. Now we're throwing backwards into sports talk.

Not only are we talking actual football. We're talking fucking basketball. No, we are not talking basketball. You're telling me, Candice is that valuable without basketball? Jason, I don't know why you think I'm talking about basketball or their AAU accreditation or whatever. I'm talking about the fact that Kansas is reasonably close. as I know from a tweet that Kansas sent last week, they are within proximity to a new airport terminal

that is opening in Kansas City, like by 2022 or 2023. And with bait like that. How far is Lawrence? I don't know. I've never driven it. According to them, it's very close.

I've only been there once. I asked Emily, I think she described it as roughly an hour-ish within range of an hour. Is it standard? It's 40 minutes. It's standard university length, right? It's like Atlanta to Athens.

Okay. Manhattan's the one that's driving, drive and drive and drive and drive. Yeah. Yeah. I did see K-State and KU fans having a real argument about who runs specific quadrants of the state. So I think it did its job. Listen, I'm not fucking with K-State fans after the time they came on mass for John

Boyce for saying that their logo looked like a bird ventriloquist. Which Alex may be too young to remember, but it was one of the most vicious internet I've ever seen. I do remember. Viglo's. Yeah. I enjoyed, I enjoyed Kansas residents chiming in on this debate by saying that 40 minutes was a lot and that 40 minutes was nothing. This is the most.

No, that's a Midwestern show. That is the most, like 40 minutes, why that's, that's just a hop, skipping a jump. That's fine. That is Midwest mindset, though. Yeah. I mean, you say that and like, you are reaching, you are speaking to your target market. Big Ten fans are like, okay, okay. I love a 40 minute drive for lunch.

yeah that'd be fine go to chow that's in the suburbs if there were a Brazilian steakhouse like in the middle of nowhere in Kansas oh what what a sublime thing to see the I'm very happy about that concept

that's all what else is Kansas have to offer me but our Mike Patrick in real time yeah Jesus is how senility works it sneaks up on you and one day you're Mike Patrick devastating Jason

we want to talk about pods again yet again yes that's a new idea I like it over the years our general blogging collective

and its associated members we have we continue to return to a few concepts promotion of relegation pod style scheduling in which you get rid of divisions and you replace it with three to five

team grouplets, newer range scheduling so that teams in a conference all actually play each other on a regular basis. And we have put forth numerous plans for this, depending on conference size, conference needs and so forth. Generally, the things we like about it are every, the scale balances out the schedules a little bit. Nobody's crying about, oh, I'm in the SEC West. Well, it's because basically everyone plays everyone every other year or so.

Rivals, you actually see each other. No matter the conference, no matter how you said. it up, it's very likely that each student athlete during their three to five years on campus will see every other stadium in the conference. And that's pretty great. Makes a country feel like a conference. So bagging the news, such as it is, if you can call college football fans on Twitter news, because of SEC expansion, which is bringing the whole thing to a nice and tidy four by four setup. If you go with the pod system, there were like as soon as the Texas so you news came out. There were people proposing different 14 pods. Some of them

including, you know, the absolute murder zone of Florida, Georgia, Bama, Auburn. Just absolute nightmarish, which, you know, yeah, because Tennessee would be with what, Kentucky, Vandy, in South Carolina. Oh, God, I don't want to play them either. Can we go independent? What if Tennessee goes independent? You got to play someone either way. No. I mean, you can do that. No, we don't. You could do that, the true independence. So I have constructed a somewhat slightly more balanced set of pods. And by request, multiple people requested this, we are going to war game the whole thing a little bit,

which we allegedly did like, I don't know, seven years ago on this show. I couldn't tell you if that's the case, but I'm often told that we did with the old SEC. So now let's try it with the new SEC. broken into pods, broken into four regional squabbles that conflagrate into an SEC-wide war-spanning South Carolina all the way to Norman, Oklahoma, a road trip that does not make any sense whatsoever. So what I've done is I've asked four of you to war game these regional battles, and Michael Serber also has a role that we will discover in due time. as do I, once we have determined our regional champions, let us, Spencer has disappeared.

So in fact, Holly, would you like to go first? I'll unmute and you can hear why Spencer has disappeared. Oh, okay. Oh, now you don't bark. Spencer has gone to corral the hound. Holly, are you able to go first with Kentucky, Missouri, Tennessee, and Vanderbilt? There she is. Yes, absolutely, as the hounds give.

I think the soundtrack is right. First of all, I will state that this is a minority opinion, but I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Most people, when they're shouting out the best monologue in show history, will cite Jason doing Bible characters. I maintain that the original version of this show in which Jason pitted the SEC against itself on a civilization type. setup is my favorite full cast episode of all time mostly because it is genius but also slightly because i was not in it so kentucky i just vamping to see how long it's going to take spencer to plug his headphones back in hey boss what's your pod hey we don't have to go first okay that was breathtaking Spencer would you like to go first I'm always afraid that mine's

be like too long or too short or too weird? Yeah. I don't think too weird is a worry. I'll say that. Yeah. So I was assigned the pot of Alabama, LSU, Mississippi State, and Old Miss. And in this, I decided that we're going to play up the civilization beat a little bit, but also maybe a little bit off of recent events.

I wanted to see which one of these schools could get to space first. successfully. Define success. Got across the Carmen line, unlike some people, just sort of go up and tap it. No, I need you to get all the way up above it. Do you have to get back down? Yes.

So a pod that is half Mississippi is going for a science victory. Hey, Huntsville, Alabama says it can be done. right now that's that that's part of the deal right that Huntsville Alabama says that we at least have the rocketry to get there that's right I said Alabama and Mississippi are the same you can reach me at 38 Godfrey that is correct and as long as we as long as we have Huntsville we're going to have at least the means to get there for the state of Alabama however I think this is how it would go okay if we're if we're going to get there and the other proviso I have was this that we were going to get up and down in the span of one year you had to do it in a year which means there couldn't be a lot of long-term planning not that that's the strength

of any of the four of them okay there couldn't be any collusion and there couldn't be any no cheating right or just a little cheating but nothing like I couldn't invent anything right so first of all Mississippi State

higher up in this than you know because as the helmets from last seasons, the commemorative helmets from last season showed. Mississippi State has some space program routes. Okay. So they're going to get out to an early jump because Alabama is going to sleep for a couple of months and rest on their laurels. So they're like, ah, we got rockets. That's fine.

We're going to focus on recruiting, right? So Mississippi State's going to be grinding away. Old Miss, this is, this is peasants work. Old Miss is out. I'm just going to tell you, Old Miss doesn't, a gentleman does not soil his hands with the dust of the moon. This is not happening. Additionally, Lane's just like the Moons for Nerds.

I'm not going there. That's fine. Mississippi State jumps out to a lead grinding hard and getting ahead of Alabama in pace. May I interject. Now, Jason, is this a proper way for me to... Yes.

Introduce my role into the show. Let's go. Dad's home. Spencer, Georgia Tech has unleashed a terrifying and lethal horde of robot killer bees, which has heavily damaged all modern technology for all four schools in the pod.

What has happened? Serber has just brought back a former member of the SEC who we thought was long-departed and they have wheylaid your Wilcrafted plans. God, that's Georgia Tech's music. Could there be more of these on the way?

My goodness. Probably not. Probably a one-off. No, I'm going to serpentine. Y'all can't catch me. Oh, I was not ready. so destroying all modern technology you said that could be a problem so we get to keep our stills yes but you know which one of these schools i know

happens to have weather balloons that's right the meteorological institute at lSU that is right so and also that's an entire other show weather balloon to space weather balloon to space whether drunk weather balloon to space. The balloon, the ballon! The ballon! Put the tiger in the weather balloon and send it to space. How's my hook going to stay in the water if this balloon get that high?

How's the weather out there? Oh, it feels pretty warm to me! Don't take off my shirt! Rubbing his chest with butter. Ew. I'm sorry. Seasoned butter. Oh, yes.

Cajun butter. Yeah, thin up here and so is my blood. need to thicken it up get it get it back to a fine rue so LSU seizing this they're going to make moon dust to make an amazing room moon room you can make a you can make a you can make a rue out of the dust of the moon and somebody would be like my auntie made it better would you spell that M-E-A-U-X-N yes M-O-O-U-U-N-N that just sounds like Pittsburgh so this would be so with Alabama now out okay because Alabama's not they're going to focus on recruiting okay this is essentially a two horse race

between LSU and between Mississippi State Mississippi State is the home of the largest intercollegiate rocketry competition right nationally presumably because they got a lot of room to blow stuff up Starkville. What, you're going to hit something? There's a water tower. As long as you miss that, you're fine. LSU, placing the weather balloon

to see how close they can get to space, all right? Launches their balloon, but Mississippi State intercepts with simple rockets, destroying the balloon, and nullifying a victory for all four. That's where I'm at in the wake of Serber's

curveball, eliminating all. The people who technically got close, though, if we're going to use Price's right rules without going over would be the unfortunate Cajun who we sent plummeting from 38,000 feet.

Going, well, this ain't a bad way to go. I need a poultice. The gumbo not. I impacted the earth at terminal velocity. I believe I'm going to. I believe you mean he made a cooking hole in the crowd. They're just going to put palm leaves over him.

I've been tenderized. So, so Spencer, are you hereby decreeing the winner of your quadrant to be the intergalactic empire of LSU. I'm going to, I'm going to go ahead and say that, uh, that yeah, yeah, the university with the state bird, okay, of the pelican. It wasn't pretty. It didn't necessarily get the job done, but it came closer than anyone else. I didn't know we were going for gritty realism here, but I'm impressed. Yeah, I had to take a curve in the middle of that. But, you know, we rode with it, switch the narrative. Uh, go tigers. And somebody please go get Boudraultus.

because he doesn't impact it in the swap pretty bad. It's become a paste. It has become a delicious paste. All right, I have updated my spreadsheet accordingly. Let's get someone from the east, either Ryan or Holly. Holly, do you want to go or do you want me to go? You pick. Okay.

All right, so I have Auburn, Florida, Georgia, and South Carolina. and when our four antagonists meet, they have a bit of a quandary. They all agree that physical combat cannot be used to decide a winner because that favors Florida, who has a whole army of bloodthirsty law disregarding Florida men. By the same token, they cannot settle this by appealing to heaven because then the sunshine state has no chance, because as we all know, Florida was the first draft of hell, God accidentally copy pasted it into Earth, and forgot to remove it before he hit publish. So after much debate, they settle on a compromise that is kind of at the intersection

of physical punishment and spiritual judgment. Golf. All four schools agree to submit to the will of the gods of golf to settle the war between them by deciding which of them is the most golf. So Georgia steps up first as a promising candidate. They've got Bubba Watson and Patrick Reed among their membership. This is the same school that put the, masters on the jumbotron during the spring game. And even the football program is,

I would say, very golf. It is consistently capable of looking brilliant in the front nine and on the back nine, just making enough mistakes to like completely fuck up the day and ruin everything. This is the school that cannot break 80, but we'll still spend tens of thousands of dollars on new equipment every year trying to do so. South Carolina's pedigree is less obvious, the best golfer in the state, Dustin Johnson, was born in Columbia, but he went to Coastal Carolina. But the first golf club in the U.S. was the South Carolina Golf Club founded in Charleston in 1786. And South Carolina is firmly committed to miniature golf, the propaganda tool we use to trick children into believing that real golf is A short and

be fun. So then there's Florida, which seems like the likely winner. This is a state that has from the count I found 1,250 golf courses which is more than Alabama, Georgia, and South Carolina combined. There's no state income tax and that draws professional golfers there. The University of Florida has its own lineage of successful golf

alums. Florida has been challenged. Wow. Oh, oh dear. Oh, shit. Okay. Oh, no. Florida has been challenged by the Road Warriors of Sawani from 1890. Okay. It's really just 11 guys.

from 1899 but history so acknowledge them respect them and sort of move them to the side thank you so so the suwani that that was the team that how many games how many games they play in like how many days what was that jason i think you know this it was like six or seven games with a break of like a day on a railroad in between and they shut out almost everyone right well here's the thing golf's only four days so they have too many days so that's why swani we honor and respect you now please please remove yourself from the green. Also, I think Swanee would get their club. Also, they got their robes on. Yeah. Swatty would be playing with clubs made of all kinds of exotic animal material that's now banned in the United States. Customs is going to seize that ivory putter like that.

Also, they're all dead. The robes are also going to interfere with both their hydration, body heat levels, and their swing. And their swing, yes. Yeah. Tough to torque. Florida's best connection to the game of golf is this. Golf is a self-policing sport, which is a very fancy way of saying that golf is an infinite source. Everyone in it is a cop. It's an infinite source of petty fraud. It's constantly a source for fraud.

So that leaves us with Auburn, which outside of the 2013 PJ champ, Jason Duffner, like they don't have a ton of high profile golf alumni. The most notable golf feature in the state of Alabama is the Robert Trent Jones Trail, which was designed by an English-American Cornell grad. Like, I cannot come up with a good reason why the tigers should fare well in the eyes of the golf gods until I remembered one important

Auburn personality. Charles Barkley. This is one of the greatest basketball players of all time and an accomplished broadcaster, two very difficult fields where he has achieved great things. And yet this is also a man who steps on to golf courses over and over and over again, despite never showing major improvement. It's not even clear if he's having fun because his swing is just the subject of constant ridicule. And I would argue golf has nothing to offer him except expense, sweat stains, and frustration.

He could simply stop. He should simply stop. That he does not is proof to the gods that Auburn is truly the most golf school of them all. And that is why they emerge from my point. pod victorious. Wow. This was so gentlemanly. Yeah. So civilized. That's that's compelling. I was going to say that Auburn would excel at golf because it involves scoring the fewest points. Damn. South Carolina's right there and you're just all right. Oh, yeah. Actually,

you can still run this, be like Auburn unexpectedly running up the score. Wow. Which they're they're prone to do. They do have people get stuck in the hedges a lot, which is, really very ideal for. Oh, wait. I got. I got it. Auburn's the most golf because they're used to like getting 6870 on an exam. They're like, hell yeah, that's golf. Look at me. Look at me thrive and shoot low in calculus. That is a compelling champion and a compelling case, Ryan. The quadrant has been resolved. I think in a way that is really, really specifically enraging for Georgia fans, therefore it's a success on all counts. Now that we have gone east, let us go back. West. Alex, I believe this means you.

Yes, sir. Very excited. So I've got the Oklahoma, Arkansas, Texas, and Texas A&M pod. And so I guess I don't spoil it and say who wins until the end, or do I say who wins off the top? Yeah, let's build up to our champ here. All right. So Texas and A&M are going to be kind of a mutual problem. Everyone's familiar with the doctrine of mutually assured destruction, and also with Stalingrad, a little outpost. Texas A&M. Go blog signal illuminates. Can we be up service here?

So you guys remember how Michigan voice, how Hitler tried to take Stalingrad because it was called Stalingrad. It had Stalin's name in it, even though it really wasn't strategic. that important to the Nazi war effort. We're all familiar with that, right? Sure. Go blue. Go blue. Yep.

Thanks. And he lost pursuing an unnecessary goal that wasn't really going to benefit the German onslaught. Well, I sort of see Texas and A&M doing that to one another, even though neither is the greatest threat to the other's long-term success in this pod, that being Oklahoma. I see them going at each other's throats without any real payoff for either, should they win they're not neither is particularly particularly strategically important if you really want to get down to it i don't think that college station or austin are on like major waterways

that are you know gonna give them a ton of holly's holly's eyes because this is a visual medium she's looking at me like i'm wrong what is the major body of water or nothing lake travis fans you can reach alex kersner at 38 godfrey that's right that's right exactly i mean that's a lake. It's not, it's not a major shipping thoroughfare. It's not going to do a lot for supply lines and things of that nature. Dude, paddle boards, paddle board lives matter too. Come on. Yeah, but it's big, Alex, it is. It is. It is big. Texas terms. Alex, what if what, what if I told you that the two lean, the two lane green wave have in fact harness the power of Lake Travis to create a massive storm, which is decimated Texas? I think that that would further my point because A and M

Is your point it's Greg Abbott's fault? It's Greg Abbott's. Yes. And actually, I mean, I was actually going to get to this, but I shouldn't know the name of Texas's electric grid, but I do because that shit goes down when it's too hot. It goes down when it's too cold. That is one of those things like referees, right? Where it's like, if I know it, that's a problem. Tim Donagie, you don't know this much about the New York mayor race.

Nope. You shouldn't. You shouldn't. I think that obviously the power grid's going down for the. the whole state if there's a single bit of wave-related activity or, I mean, hydroelectric isn't really something that I think Texas is all that interested in. This is, anyway, I think that both Texas and Texas A&M are in big trouble. College Station does house I have learned the George H.W. Bush Presidential Library.

So conceivably, if any Aggies wanted to go there and learn about how to try and fail to depose a Middle Eastern dictator who they don't like before having their son take it out on a bunch of civilians, then they could learn that in College Station, Texas. But I'm not sure it would be very productive for actually achieving long-term success, as we have kind of found here in the United States of America. Also, A&M does have some agricultural know-how, but I think that is zoomable now. And others have figured out how to farm. I'm not sure that A&M is really, you know, they don't really have a monopoly on creating food supply or things of that nature

I didn't say it they got meat championships bro that's all I'm saying they got like they got the hardware in the meats well it's good that you mentioned that they have meat championships because I'm sorry for cussing I dropped a lit match onto my phone at that exact moment

she got to lid match for a second it's burning on her iPhone and I'm trying not to lose it laughing and slapping at this phone on fire. That's the most candle and it snapped as I lit it

and the whole thing just flew out of my hand. That's the most Relignment. Rumors are flying. Phones on fire. My phone's blown up. It did melt a hole

on the tablecloth. So I got that going for. Holly, this is the most Spencer thing you've ever done on this show. It's proximity base. Look how close he's sitting.

It's your fault. Sorry, we were talking about meats. No. Oh, meat's trophies. Well, I mean, to this point, I do respect.

the state of Arkansas's, uh, meat production ability. I think anyone who's watched billions will be familiar with the fictional but real Arkansas chicken index, uh, which is sort of a bellwether for chicken futures throughout the, uh, American poultry industry. It's not real, but Springsteen song they're singing in that episode. I thought they just made it up. I also assume they just made it up, but, uh, I feel better. That's now I, now I even, now I feel even more strongly about Arkansas's poultry ability, I guess. I think Arkansas is going to have a well-fed army. You know, they kill a lot of chickens in that state.

They are actually America's number one rice exporting state, which the more you know. I mean, I, like that is, be honest, nobody here knew that. But in 2017, according to the U.S. trade representative, Arkansas did export more dollars in rice than pretty much anybody. I think the problem here is that they are a heavy exercise. border to the Pacific Rim. And I think in wartime, it's difficult to maintain that sort of shipping line that Arkansas relies on so deeply for its rice production shipping.

But what if instead they take all the rice and dumping into Lake Travis to dry up the lake? They might do that. And that's, again, it furthers the point that Texas and A&M are in Boston on land. Absolutely. And that only leaves. how it only old i have turned your water source into my dinner i mean in theory if if it gets so hot in texas and you put rice into the like that much rice into late travis it would just cook like

regular rice at some point if you are a food scientist if you are a food scientist please tweet at us after this episode and tell us how much rice it would take to soak up all of lake Travis, thank you. Thank you. And if you're also, if it's hot enough, I need you to go ahead and tell me why that's not gumbo. Also, I think this you're going to do anyway.

This counts as acknowledging the University of Rice Owls, so. We fill like Travis with Rice, not because it is simple, but because it is odd. Because it is there. Because it is delicious. And it is delicious.

Oklahoma. March Mallory again. Good things. Oklahoma is going to win this, this pod. There you have it. Oklahoma has, you know, they faced a lot of adversity. You know, frankly, if you can survive that degree of dust, you can surely survive Arkansas and Texas A&M and the Longhorns.

It's a state that has, well, I wouldn't say they were really doing well back in the Dust Bowl, but at least as a as in what is a historical pronouncement that is a we're killing it I got it I got it of rice and men yes yes yes exactly but you know the the state institutionally speaking is still standing they actually export a great deal of beef and veal they'll have I think a very well-fed army also a lot of international relationships did you know that the governor of Oklahoma The other week, you know, while various things are going on in the state of Oklahoma, COVID, college football realignment, you know, similar things of that nature. He was actually in Azerbaijan, fostering closer relationships with their oil partners over there. Look, I mean, you go to Azerbaijan.

I mean, you're getting counsel on all kinds of things that could be useful in war if you're working at a high enough government and industrial level. I don't think he was talking to dissidents. You know, I think he was talking more to the, uh, anti-dissidents, the people the dissidents are dissenting against and dissenting, dissenting against. And I think that Oklahoma is going to play pretty rough, uh, when it comes time to war, uh, with the rest of this pod. They also apparently export a lot of machinery. Their whole team name is fuck rules.

So yeah. Absolutely. Oh, also to that point, uh, the schooner, uh, is actually a very valuable transportation mechanism in this future economy when it's upright but it shows if it crashes no one's dying can't say that about the kinds of rockets that texas n a and m are going to have in this thing uh and also it's not subject to hacking because there's no electricity in the same and you can you can float it across the rice filled waters of the strav this absolutely talk to the scooter and float the rice i'm really Alex i'm glad you got this because i've always said that baku is the

Tulsa of the Caspian Sea. That's what people say. More and more you hear this. Yeah. Additionally, I think that Oklahomans will survive a lot longer because they'll eat fish that they catch out of the rivers with their hands. You can take the poles and they'll still find fish. This is true. The rice noodlesers.

Yeah. Very good. All right. That is an excellent and worthy champ. Now we have LSU has claimed the deep mid-sendings. South, Oklahoma has claimed the plains. Auburn controls the deep south, and I believe this takes us to the highlands to finish off this inaugural four battle sprint through history, Holly.

Sometimes the snow comes down in June, and sometimes I get Kentucky, Tennessee, Vanderbilt, and Missouri. Okay. surprising. Absolutely no one, Missouri is immediately out of this game. How they get there is the surprise. Tennessee, in a rare bid for unification, manages to assemble a fighting force combined of the mountain people to the east, the Panera-bred horse girls of Middle Tennessee and Memphis. and there's nothing else in Tennessee and if anybody else tells you

tell them to get off your land the absolute first thing that this group does is barricades build barricades along the Mississippi River just walling Missouri off from the entire rest of the board

all along all of its controlled border with Missouri now some people might say is this because we still bear a long simmering resentment against Missouri swanning into the conference, acting like they were going to be our kickabout little brother and then winning a pair of division championships. And to those people, I say mind your own business. Ostendiana though, didn't I? Look, VHS porn is not enough to unite a culture

by itself. Missouri has to have some other redeeming quality. And to date, that has not revealed itself. So a barbecue rib fence goes up all along the Tennessee, Missouri border. And Mizzou, if y'all want to participate in ship, you can just float on down to Arkansas for all we care. So Mizzou,

right out. Now this is where shit gets tricky. Vanderbilt and Tennessee have both been caught up in this alliance. They have They have agreed to bury the hatchets. Vanderbilt people don't have hatchets, but Tennessee buried two for each of them.

And we are proceeding as one unified state. However, Vanderbilt in a move surprising, actually everyone somehow turns around and shanks Tennessee over the placement of the new Amazon headquarters. They do not want to share revenue. with East Tennessee and they choose that they choose corporate interest

over statewide pride and immediately turn that doesn't sound like Nashville at all nope they immediately turn and attempt to construct a barricade to wall off Tennessee having buried their hatchets nobody said anything

about their knives and Tennessee East Tennessee turns back on to Middle Tennessee Memphis, meanwhile, is just chilling at the barricade in lounge chairs and having a final time. They're on guard duty with Missouri, but it does take them out of this fight. West Tennessee is out of the fight. Eastern and Middle Tennessee are battling one another over, and I don't really know what the deal is, because it's not like they're going to tax Amazon anyway.

But they're fighting each other tooth and knife over Amazon headquarters. and while this is happening, you may notice that we haven't heard from a fourth party who is very close at ham. Kentucky's just been hanging out in the hills this entire time, forging trade deals on the side with Ohio to the north. And Kentucky waits until the last possible moment when Tennessee and Vanderbilt are both still fairly well-matched but depleted on both sides, Kentucky swoops in and takes control of the entire state. Boom. Lying in wait the entire time.

Plotting, scheming, strategizing. Because Tennessee only has one end of a state that's devoted to hill people chicanery. Have you ever noticed that even in the flatter parts of Kentucky, you still can't see very far? Those rolling hills can hide a number of troops. It's all blind corners. Those long, yeah, those long, low sloping ridge lines, they can hide a lot of, they can hide a lot of personnel. So anyway, yes, Kentucky swoops in after waiting out, after sitting out the entire battle in their glorious mountain homes, Kentucky swoops in and puts everybody else in the drink. This is very on brand because Kentucky wins from distance at the end, very basketball ending, right?

Yeah. Kentucky can way downtown. This concludes the upper Midwest-ish portion of the pods. Excellent. We now have our, let us assess our pods at this point, all right? Because the battle has only begun. We know who is strongest in each pod. We have, of course, LSU's intergalactic empire of Alabama, LSU, Mississippi State, and Ole Miss.

Not a lot of resources here, I'm going to be honest. I have assessed each of these states, universities, areas by population, military-based personnel, Air Force bases, food production, things of this nature. And this pod is going to struggle, but they were the first pod into almost space. They have that going for them. Oklahoma, of course, is reforming the Southwest Conference with Arkansas, Texas, and A&M. That group will get along awesome. Huge, huge numbers of people. I think they produced enough food to feed themselves.

lots and lots of air bases and Air National Guard bases. A lot of coastline that's going to be difficult to defend. They have a couple naval bases, but I don't know if they have quite enough. A lot of soldiers, though, I'm sure they'll be fine, especially because they have such coherence and camaraderie. The Holy Auburn Empire includes Florida, Georgia, and South Carolina,

the biggest population on the board, arguably the biggest army on the board, the biggest number of air bases on the board, and an overwhelming advantage at sea between primarily Florida and South Carolina huge numbers of boats are going to take over the Gulf of Mexico the jet ski war

they have the jet skis they have the submarines they have all of it in South Carolina of course has 90% of the Marines on the entire map. To get South Carolina a naval win. South Carolina has something going for it. When do we get to say that? And Kentucky Zura Sea

which does not include Missouri but they get to be part of the name a bit like the L.A. intergalactic empire, not a ton of resources, but they have the terrain advantage. Who's invading this? And why? More importantly, they're sort of the Scotland on the map. You, Rome, you could invade this, but there's no good reason to. So those are our battles. I think immediately the first thing we see is, unfortunately, despite what I just said, Kentucky Zeresee is quickly claimed by the Holy Auburn Empire due to total commanding, overwhelming, and nothing you can do about it, air superiority. We're

talking about an actual uh an actual modern armies worth of planes versus uh crop dusters and pea shooters um and the kentucka what if the price of lumber goes down what does that have to do with anything sir that only if that no no no david arbren's diversified now they don't rely entirely upon the yellow fella at this point well let's also recall the holy the holy auburn empire they also have the entire economies of florida and georgia and those are stable economies buddy those are man the price of hot coleslaw wrestling's never going down South Carolina I don't get them going

Auburn has now claimed almost everything east of the Mississippi South Carolina because they're very far from the front lines and because all of their attack resources will be naval diverted around Florida South Carolina is placed in charge of police action quelling the hill folk in Kentucky's or sea

that'll go awesome South Carolina is very good at order Missouri which was already cut off by the Memphis wall of ribs and the Mississippi River has defected to the Southwest Conference. Oh, God, the river's going to taste so good. It's going to take.

That is a valuable resource, and we'll see who gets there first. I'm not gumbo. Missouri has added to. We got Gumbo Lake and Barbecue River. I love this country. Missouri has added to Oklahoma's strengths, somehow join the Southwest Conference, despite never actually being a member. But, hey, in times of war, we all make desperate friendships.

The Gulf of Mexico is immediately claimed by the Holy Auburn Empire's massive naval dominance. The Mississippi River is soon a. and yes, now they have those ribs. You might say, Florida, Georgia, not a whole ton of farmland there. How are they going to feed themselves? Well, now they have the ribs of the Mississippi River. Oh, God.

This also folds Mississippi and Tuscaloosa into the Holy Auburn Empire, leaving LSU's Galactic Empire alone to join the Southwest Conference. Just like that, we have been split down the middle by the River, the Holy Auburn Empire, has divided the map into east and west. Let us review our new sides. Oklahoma commands the Southwest Conference of Arkansas. Arkansas, LSU, Texas, A&M, and Missouri, not a bad group all around. You have the entire state of Texas.

That alone is solid, as Alex mentioned, Arkansas's food resources or a worthy contribution to the cause. However, the Holy Auburn Empire contains everything else and leads in basically every metric. The Auburn's naval blockade strategy means slow, steady, limited gains. This side is hoping for a siege victory. But that is not going to work because the Southwest. Conference contains luxurious abundance of farmland and Louisiana can cook anything into anything.

The Southwest Conference is built to wait out a battle. The Auburn, of course, pushes this by introducing aircraft carriers to the mix. And now Auburn's air superiority hastens the Southwest Conference into battle, which they are more comfortable with offense than defense anyway. So they say, fine, we're going to begin our assault on Mississippi. We're going to attempt to cut off this Mississippi. River thing cut off Auburn from its precious supply of ribs and uh on the eve of their grand assault planned in detail planned with television partners um everyone is in one accord the entire southwest

conference is steering in one direction uh in harmony at last what should happen but the texas longhorns decide they have not made enough branding gains of all this so they go independent texas is now its own army robbing the southwest conference of stuff just money that's it they don't actually make shit right aggies let's go they don't actually make shit they just have money they don't you don't lose any food production because the aggies do all that texas you just lose a lot of money um everything else remains it would be a and ms but jimbo has decided taking hand-me-downs is for pores so all of texas's stuff is getting on a boat going to saudi arabia to play intermural football because that is where you can make the most money playing football and you don't have to lose great for texas so

this changes things dramatically for the Southwest Conference, which now, not only have they lost a lot of their naval support because Texas took the boats to Saudi Arabia, that loss of boats, not only did that stymie their attack on Mississippi, this leaves LSU's coastline perilously unguarded. The Holy Auburn Empire swoops in and seizes Louisiana from the Southwest Conference. We have our first incursion across the Mississippi. Oklahoma is thus surrendering land because of course Oklahoma is bad at defense. Ole Miss is put in charge of police actions. Again, this is going to go awesome. The rebels are going to subdue the unruly swamp folk of Louisiana. Victory is now in sight for the Holy Auburn Empire as it weighs its attack routes for the siege of Norman, Oklahoma. It could go through Texas. It could do a Germany in World War I, go through Arkansas, the forests of Arkansas. It could swoop all the way up through Missouri, which, yes, is still in this thing.

But regardless, Auburn is sitting pretty. That always turns out, well, that always holds. So what should happen? but South Carolina Defects, as usual. They always do this shit. South Carolina defects gets Kentucky and Tennessee to join the Greater Appalachian People's Workers' Cocunist Collective. Vanderbilt is done playing and escapes to space.

LSU tried to have a space program. Vanderbilt's done with this shit. All their shit is now Tennessee's because Vandy is just going to buy new shit once they get to Mars. They've had enough. No one will miss them. So Georgia is now placed in charge of this uprising along its borders.

Tennessee, South Carolina. This is all a communist whored. Kentucky, I believe, is, yeah, I have Kentucky joining this as well. Great. Texas has gone, blah, blah, blah. The Holy Auburn Empire discerns, they have LSU, and they put an Ole Miss in charge of policing it. That's impossible. Oxymoronic, beside the point.

They see the failure that happened with South Carolina attempting to police the Appalachians. They just abandoned LSU, let it go. They build a wall around it, a Hadrian's wall sort of situation to just leave L.S. Leave Louisiana to have fun. Just one big, Marty Grasians. in there and no one should go because you will probably be injured. You won't remember the fun you had anyway. Both sides

determine Louisiana is now a very hot Switzerland. Amid all this, Missouri escapes to the Big Ten. Arranging a hot tag. Swampsterland. Missouri arranges the hot tag with Nebraska, which is joining the

Southwest Conference so it doesn't ever have to play against Oklahoma. Nebraska sees the trouble on the horizon and says, uh-oh, we're going to Just join whatever Oklahoma is doing, so we don't have to face them because we're very scared of them because we're Nebraska. And that's the only thing people know about us is that we're scared of Nebraska. Let us now review our sides. The Southwest Conference, Oklahoma commands Arkansas, Nebraska, and Texas A&M. This group can hold out forever.

Not a ton of population, decent military resources, and they've just added Nebraska's farmlands. The Holy Auburn Empire is reduced to Alabama, Mississippi State, Ole Miss, Florida, and Georgia. South Carolina, Kentucky, and Tennessee is their own group, and four schools have just left the map. Just clocked out. Scarmishes continual along all. all borders, as each side reassesses the ever sprawling situation, Georgia was charged with defending its borders. That goes awesome. As South Carolina's people's cock collective splinters, Tennessee claims a third of Georgia for itself. As does Carolina, neither Carolina or Tennessee can win Atlanta,

of course. But did we get Georgia's water? Yes, we'll get to that. The Holy Auburn Empire retains the western third of Georgia. Florida now goes into business for itself, claiming all of greater Jacksonville all the way up to Macon. Florida has gone independent. My God, this is a game changer. They might be the new favorites on this whole thing.

Look at the map. Folks, Florida's population contends with the Southwest Conference which only has half of Texas' stuff. Florida has more soldiers than anyone else that can feed itself forever without the entire Gulf of Mexico in which to fish,

has air superiority over almost everyone, has all the boats, basically. Florida alone by itself might be the new favorite on this entire board. The Holy Auburn Empire is in desperate trouble outgunned, outmaned by the Southwest Conference on one side, Florida on another. Even the reborn Eternals People's Cocunist Coch Collective,

which is South Carolina and Athens, might have better stuff. The Tennessee River Authority, which is Tennessee and North Georgia, might have more stuff than the Auburn Empire and all tremble before the might of the new Florida Georgia line. The Holy Auburn Empire's entire naval block

is withdrawn as Florida seeks the prize of Mobile, Alabama. The Southwest Conference takes advantage and claims all of Mississippi for itself. Alabama, of course, is already I think Spencer had them ejecting to space or something like that, like immediately.

Yeah. Or, yeah, whatever it was. Alabama was already out of this for football reasons. So now the Holy Auburn Empire is just Auburn, pinned in on all sides by more powerful enemies. So Texas A&M, which is at this point, would have to be considered a top four institution favored to win this whole thing. Texas A&M is in great shape.

Texas A&M is in prime position to win the championship. So Texas A&M uses this opportunity to launch all of its nukes at Texas, which is on a boat halfway to Saudi Arabia. Yes, there were nukes. There were nukes that I've counted for each of these states based on nuclear facilities, nuclear submarines, things of this nature. The Southwest Conference is now completely out of nukes because Texas has fired all of them at Texas A&M, the Texas University.

The interview is Texas Longhorns, no longer there, vaporized at sea. Auburn has nooks. But you know who does have nukes would be our four independence. South Carolina has nukes. Kentucky has nukes, Tennessee has nukes, and Florida has nukes, which is claimed during the siege of greater Jacksonville. Okay. So they all take the green light from the Aggies

and they all start launching nukes at everything in sight. Jacksonville, there's nothing but broken stuff. Nashville is ash. Memphis will be laid to waste. Atlanta burns again. Tuscaloosa is dust. Little Rock is even little or not. now, Houston is smoked, Biloxi, Tulsa, Pensacola, Waco, Omaha, Myrtle Beach, they're all gone.

Cataclysms, crumbling mountains of fire and blood, water tasting of wormwood, whose name is Chernobyl, seals, trumpets, bowls, Armageddon. And even though the rapture's not in the Bible, that's never stopped Auburn before. Because who should join here at the all end of all things, but a rider on a white tiger, eyes like fire, robe dipped in blood, wings as an eagle in on his thigh. He has a name tattooed Auburn Jesus. The Holy Auburn Empire assembles all shattered peoples into a new Auburn and a new earth, a kingdom with the world's biggest jumbotron, paving gold streets in the neighborhoods of really good football recruits. And all is perfect. Harmony as 144,000 saints gather in the expanded Jordan Hare Stadium.

and the four living creatures that are Aubin's mini-species mascots all sing a new song before the throne war eagle. And then South Carolina members that has all the Marines and goes rogue again. But that's the sequel. Auburn wins. So folks, if you out there have a war and you need to save money for it for war stuff, then maybe the thing to do would be to download Acorns app viaacorns.com slash fullcast, which can fund your army today. The way it works is whenever you buy stuff from a military industrial complex,

the nickels and dimes from that purchase, whichever military industrial complex you use, there's a lot of them. The nickels and dimes from that purchase will go into your investment account, and then it'll get invested in stuff that happens around the world, and the number will hopefully go up because that's the best thing for numbers to do. And if you keep doing that, then you will be able to retire at some point after the age of 83 or possibly sooner. it can save money to not go to war but numerous people around the world over time have found that war can be very profitable

but what I have found is that simply investing without doing any war at all is also a frugal strategy Spencer I believe your sons have found a little bit of both that sometimes investing with combat can be the most lucrative path of all and they've chosen swords over plowshares haven't they? They really have I think by at this rate by the way I'm saving for three things

when it comes to acorns. I'm trying to invest and save for a family vacation. I am trying to put a little bit aside for the kids. Both of those goals are going great. I have one other fund that I have designated general retirement, but during this ad rate, I've decided that I'm going to devote for the purchase of an F-35. Why would anybody want to purchase an F-35? That's not relevant. What is relevant is that at this rate, I should be able to afford an F-35 by the time I am 238. That may sound like I'm poor-mouthing, but do you know how much? much one of those things costs. That's actually a tremendous return on investment. It's the kind of return that you as an everyday investor can get by downloading the Acorns app and becoming an acorns member today. But why would you want one more than a hundred years from now? It would be a shitty plane by then. Vintage baby. Have you seen the used car market? Imagine what the used plane market is going to be. There go Spencer and Harrison Ford in their F-35. The future is just me and Harrison Ford crashing ever older and more expensive planes and ever stranger locations. They're going to be like, he put the original Wright Brothers plane into a Sonic and kill three people.

I love that more than a century for now. We might have finally made the F-35 like cost effective to fly. Like, oh, we found this planet with the magic paint that it requires so that it can be in a good enough mood to fly. Department of Defense should open up an Acorn's account for the F-35. Think about how much round-up they'd have for that. I mean, it's been, it's been 25 fucking years. Yeah, you have a pretty good retirement account by now. We could, we could retire the F-35.

Oh, thank God. That's the whole idea. Once we do that, just fold the Air Force. Their work here is done. Get rid of that piece of shit. Unlike the F-35, at Acorns, your money line is only going up. Yep. And that's how that thing don't go up.

It can go front, side to side. It can go straight down. Not a lot up. Yeah. Remember, if you want to save for a rainy day that the F-35 can't fly in, the torrential downpour is here now by the way so if we if we lose you guys it might not actually be our fault this time um speaking a line going up did y'all see the florida numbers from big new saturday on homefield apparel god damn nearly doubled up uh previous leader

Notre Dame. Notre Dame in Florida once again. Like 500% more than what Florida State did. Embarrassed Texas, which that's just the thing. I didn't think Notre Dame could be humiliated worse than the last time they went to Florida, but yeah. Turns out. Full of surprises. And now.

What's up? Now Miami is next up on the list for Homeville Apparel. Yes. This was actually said aloud during the show. Texas just has money. They apparently don't do anything with it. Including by one of any number of burnt orange, white, or Heather Gray

items of clothing mostly for the upper body from home field apparel. Couldn't be me. Yeah. It's the episodes of Ducktails where Scrooge just has nothing to do with his family and just stays in the mansion. That's what being a Texas fan is like. All money, no feelings.

They got feelings. they have many feelings no feelings is my vision board sing my favorite song sing my racist railroad song all I do is live with mother and play the tutu song that's going to be Texas we're just going to tear up Texas the American Italy you got to do the hands with the fingers up instead of down now now I will say if there's a school whose fan base is going to go the other way where the worry is not oh they won't spend their money it's miami i am not worried that

miami and its associated fans are going to be like hmm i should sit on this wealth and do something smart i hope i hope homefield is dropping the like the incredibly expensive like the um the dan flashes miami hurricane polo the two thousand dollar complicated fabric yeah yeah oh but if you use hope if you use our offer code full cast you get 20% off and that downgrades it to doing math really quickly, $1,600? Not bad. I mean, that sounds kind of broke to me, but you can tell them at the club you paid full price.

We won't do it. For your... You've done more financially irresponsible shit this year. That's true. I don't want to know the one design that Miami fans demanded of Connor that he cannot deliver because it's antithetical to like human safety or common decency, right? Like, hey, we want the Sebastian with the AK. We can't actually, that's not an official.

No, that's not, that's not licensed by the school. Give me the one with Sebastian sitting on a pile of cocaine. I think it's less that it's not licensed and it's more that that's like, that's too precious. That's like the secret university seal. That sure has to be. That sure has to be earned. We can't make a triple XL sweatsuit, velour sweatsuit that says, okay, I've reloaded. That's not.

I know you're joking, but seriously, give me a good reason why not, Connor. Fair. Yeah, Connor. Answer for your crying. Why can't you give me one of like, you know, that says, I ain't scared, bitch. Well, that's actually what the university's motto in Latin means. I would love a shirt that had an animated gif of the Don't Be Scared, baby. Don't be scared.

Do you think they'll have Ned? Do you think that will be an option? Just a Ned jersey? Always ready to scrap. Fuck. Always down for it. Yeah. I want the Photoshop of Ned landing.

Normandy. Yeah. So like, I didn't like hypercolor. Here's the thing. All of these might be in the home field launched this Saturday. Yeah, we don't know.

We don't know. We don't know. So what we're advising is on Saturday you go to homefield apparel.com and just everything in the Miami. You just purchase. Just get up, just get up, just get up,

get up, just in all. There's, there's got to be an all button for true. For real ballers. That's right. Unlike the shutdown fullcast store, when you order from homefield apparel,

you get the things that you paid for. We had another. we had another mishap recently it wasn't pills though is it time for podcast business um yeah i suppose it is you go to preowned airboats.com you look at our store we'll send you something in this case it was listening in this case it was listener stephanie ordered the welcome mug that is supposed to be like an enamel tin mug with spencer the cartoon spencer's face on it it says welcome and it's a lot of fun. And instead, she got one of those like V-shaped coffee mugs that you only see on like daytime television shows or at like mid-range hotels. I don't think I know what a V-shaped

coffee. It's just sort of like it's what would you, it's just, it's wider at the top. Like a vase. Yeah. Oh. Yes. Yes. It look exactly. It looks like you're at. And Spencer's face is off center on it. And this. is not a mug we offer in any other form, but that's what she got. So again, every time to print your face on stuff just makes it come out irregular. Every time you go to pre-owned Airboats.com, you are spinning the wheel. You are spinning the wheel of random commerce. And who knows what will come to you? You're guaranteed to receive something on your an item, yeah. It has been X, how many days has it, server fill this in in post? How many

days has it been since we accidentally mailed prescription medicine that wasn't our? it's been one week since you're looking at me you knew he was going to do that hold on the nice thing is I can just I can just go to my email and search one of those I can go to my email and search pills and yeah that does indeed um first of many I did get an update on that by the way the mug was received by our friend Scott and in addition Scott received an envelope with a prepaid shipping label to send Carol's pills back to the health care provider. That's not. So they're just going to, did he? I don't think he was required to. Are they just going to send the pills back? Like, I'm sure that Scott hasn't tampered with them, but the fulfillment company doesn't

know that. You know, other podcasts don't have this problem. Where by the way, where are these fulfilled? Like, where is the factory? I believe it's in, I think it's in North Carolina. Okay, so there's server there's somebody in north carolina who just is sitting there smoking on the line right yeah yeah their mouth and what part of ashville is this yeah they're just like man who's this ugly dude I'm slapping on the stop here just put that bitch on there and see if they complain so you're just just just once you just go ahead and slap harry dwight shrewd on this cup and throw it in the box and see if they do anything I like to think of it this way male in tablecloth on fire again male in the 19th century was like

like entirely a toss-up. If you put something in the mail, it was like, maybe it's getting there, maybe it's not. If somebody was like, oh, I owe you $100, I'll put it in the mail. You're like, the fuck you won't. You get on a horse and you bring my $100. I don't trust the mail. We are giving you kind of that same throwback experience

where you can pretend that you are Laura Ingalls Wilder waiting for Papa's mug to come through the mail. And instead you get pills. And sometimes it's winter for seven months. Is Kevin Costner busy? how long of that take you uh it's first thing this one off the top of his head all so the um the tweaks i had to make where i had Alabama winning and then um that's depressing and then and then server uh did his techno hack and it rerouted us to LSU which didn't end up

mattering all that much it was a major blow for morale for the LSU galactic empire to lose their figurehead immediately. Holly placing the ribs wall along the Mississippi, very helpful, made the Mississippi even more valuable. Did Serber have a set number of tricks that he could play at his own as a time of his own choosing? Yes, those three. The three schools who have left the SEC were server's cards to drop.

If I'd known you were going to build a rib wall, I definitely wouldn't have interrupted Alex. But hindsight's 2020. Please, please. How many times? if you said that to me. None shall know the hour of the rip wall. I cannot tell you how much I love that the Tennessee Valley Authority made an appearance in this. Tennessee won. Tennessee won the River Wars. It's happened. And Vanderbilt used

and then bombed itself out of existence. And Jeff Bezos took Vanderbilt to space. So it worked out. Yes. I had to plan anyway that Vanderbill was going to space. So I should have mentioned that. That lined up very nicely. This is beautiful. I'm I'm exhausted. That was incredible. War is hard. Again, again, with the historical insights. Oklahoma wasn't exactly doing great in the dust bowl and war is hard. Man, this is why you bring on Alex Christian for the hot.

Alex does better with the toss-offs than the rest of us do on purpose. In this episode, Alex said that Oklahoma wasn't exactly doing that great during the Dust Bowl and that was still second to Holly trying to set her phone on fire. middle of the podcast. True. I was trying to put a bunch, okay, I was trying to make a tiny fire that we could, that I could use for a visual effect. And, which makes sense.

To be clear, to be clear, I was trying to make a tiny fire for the podcast does not strengthen your case. We could hear it, Ryan, for the crackling. One can hear Nashville bird. Also, I can hear the birds at Jason's now. So hopefully we've got some good pastoral effects in there. I'm excited for you to bring like a whole Indiana Jones-style torch to the next recording session. Do we want to let Alex go?

Now, Alex, how would you like to end the show? You can end the show. Doing what? Give us a cone. A cone?