Shutdown Fullcast - Sexy King Charles Coronation Special, or RAT KINGS OF LOW EARTH ORBIT

Episode Date: May 3, 2023

Sexy King Charles Coronation Special, or RAT KINGS OF LOW EARTH ORBIT SHOW NOTES Our horniest ever episode begins, as so many of our shows do, on the moon Yes, Stanford figures prominently during the show; we promise there's sexy stuff later Multi-species Taco Tuesday remains a far-off dream, but Zoom Divorce Court is already here An interview with a member of the Los Angeles Philharmonic, and if you don't understand why that's significant, just go with it Orgies, defined Pretty sure we could all take this "King's Champion" The gang becomes increasingly upset at the poorly managed inventory of Charles and Camilla Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

There's this plan to create, like, a tourist shaped constantly in orbit space habitat, like the orbits around the planet. Taurus, like the car? That would be so much better. Yes, the tourist station wagon driven by ludicrous that constantly orbits. Is it orbiting or is it just like in a, on one of those points? Like, in a, the way that I understood it was it's like in a, like an infinity symbol type ring. I'm pacing it into the chat right.

I know. This is like the most rogan story starter that we ever had. So did you hear about the ring? Well, so the thing, no, the thing that caught me about it was how they are, I have a firm belief that every engineer is just a hill jack at heart. Like every hilljack is a child with, every engineer is a watermelon tribusay child, you know, that has, that has just grown up and gone to good school. Stanford Taurus mega threat.

Okay. Okay, so then get to the part where you find out how they're going to make the radiation shield. Okay. Which is, here, I'll spoil it for you. They're going to create basically like, you know that machine that scoops up golf balls at Top Golf? They're going to create basically a reverse one of those that just chucks moon rocks constantly into orbit around the space station. There's going to be a space tugboat that picks up the moon rocks. from space as they are hurled at it.

Yeah. And that is what they're going to use to build the radiation shield. Like this is where they're going to get the blocks for their moon concrete is by throwing rocks at the space station from the moon. It gets wilder because you would, in addition to having... I will drive the space towboat first of all. I love this term. An electromagnetic mass driver would hurl 10 kilo chunks of moon rocks into space at a rate of

five per second non-stop for a decade. Just a machine dedicated to fucking the moon up for a whole decade. You said, oh, where's the Stanford going to come into this? You're like rapaciously destroying a planet so that we could build something for the wealthy. That's where it comes in. Additionally, once those rocks are thrown up, you go, huh, I remember something from the basic laws of physics that for every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction. That's right.

in order to keep this entire thing moving by the way and maintain the position the station receiving these right that was going to receive all of these rocks would hurl pellets ten times the speed of the incoming chunks in the opposite direction just in order to maintain its position because balance yeah yeah it's basically has to poop so i'm so glad you brought up poop i'm really glad you brought up poop because further down in this plan is a little bit list of animals that they believe will be necessary to have aboard this, uh, this, I'm calling it a space station, but they call it something else. Mm-hmm. What do you mean? And the first animal I saw listed was chickens. And I was like, can you imagine the smell of chicken shit in space? Mm-hmm.

Where there's nothing to mitigate the chicken smell. But then I had a much more interesting idea. You're not going to be able, in, in what universe are you going to be able to get all of these animals and all of this livestock and all of its feed for at least the first round until they grow their own or whatever up into space without one rat that's the challenge i suppose then i kind of put myself in the shoes of imagine being the one rat that makes it to the space station what's your goal what's your goal at that point whatever i want i am templeton king of Mars. But you're also the last

rat on Mars. This is Ratatouille Part 2, the sequel. So, like, I'm not, that's the thing. I'm not worried about breeding. I'm just living. Oh, you can't, come on, all rats are worried about breeding. As much as they're worried about eating? Look, all I'm saying is, I think this rat ends up trying to fuck a chicken.

I think they do a pretty, pretty high amount of both eating and breeding. I do like that. So what if I'm the rat and I'm eating and I'm fucking everything that moves? I mean, this does lead into today's show. Yeah, something will work. I just think, my favorite part of this, honestly, Holly, is how many times you have said this is what is going to happen?

You have a high level of optimism that the Stanford Taurus will work, and that they've, evidently, they've spent 50 years working on this in secret, and it'll be unveiled just as soon as they figure out their rat thing, I guess. You're so close. Jason, that's a very good point, and I have to say, once I saw space tugboat, I just assumed that everything else would fly, and I took this with absolutely no pessimism whatsoever. I think they'll get it done.

As our future. It's supposed to take 20 to 25 years to build. And in the course of all of that... So you'll be dead, but the rest of us might get to see this. But 25 years as of 1975, so it's been up there for a while. You know what else happened around that time? Halo. The Halo games, in which planets are surrounded by things exactly like this.

So, yeah, it happens. Do you think that actually slowed down the process? Do you think Halo came out and all the devs were like, hmm, I have some much to do today. Well, probably literally, yes, because, yeah, a video game was out. So, you know, the nerds went to play the video game. But, like, I think what happened is they built it on the wrong planet, and then Microsoft made a video game about that planet. Okay.

It's a documentary. Yeah. In order to maintain something like Earth gravity, they're going to have to have a station like this rotate at one RPM. So they'll have to go one revolution. per minute leading me to believe that's a lot faster than you think it is for something that big yeah like that that that fucker's going to be that spinning which makes it even funnier that we're going to throw rocks at it right it's going to be turn yeah but what how big is

uh i will get you some numbers on that it is it has a diameter of 1.11 miles once again we have all left the subjunctive case behind and it's a conference of nearly three and a half miles when this happens. Yeah. So in order to go one R&M. Okay, so it's the orbit that's tourist shaped and not a giant ring space station

that is like ringing the earth. Okay. Yeah. So I'm out. My friend, I'm afraid you're in. It's too late. It's not big enough for me to be in.

I would see it. You're on here with Admiral Templeton, the rat admiral of space. Well, here's the thing. About the space. I hate that. I'm sorry, I just, I see that, I had this concept and I was like, oh, it's John Lovitz. Yeah.

There's John Lovitz. There's somebody bad, but in order to do this, I was thinking, so Tuesday is, is Taco Tuesday. Yeah. Right? Thursday, I assume like every other. Is Taco Tuesday just for people? No, this will be, this is space. We are trans species at this point, right?

Across all species. Sure. We believe in Taco Tuesday as a right. Thursday. Another great cornerstone of civilization, we're going to keep Thirsty Thursday going. But my favorite thing is going to be this. We need Freaky Fridays where we just start fucking with the gravity for no reasons. Heavy Friday.

We just chop and screw this bitch. It's Thursday. Oh, my God, you've invented Space Houston. Yeah, everybody. Stout Saturday. Jason, the good news is you likely are out because according to what I'm reading, this habitat is capable of housing 10,000 to 140,000 permanent residents

so just as a matter of math, none of us are getting there. I'm probably not making the Stanford cut there. 10 to 140,000 is a large delta. You're telling me we can get rid of 100,000 Stanford grads just like that, let's do it. See, this is why for a long time, and I think I said this on the show,

I was supportive of Elon's post-Tesla career because all he seemed to be interested in doing was sending our silliest rich people into space. Ah, and now it's turned into blowing them up on the way to space, which is different. Which on paper, I love. Even Boulder activism on his part.

What a brilliant anti-capitalist move. I'll get the richest people in the world to pay me to blow them up. That's been the most of the while. Meanwhile, I will squander all of my wealth on posting poorly. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. The man is just shitting wealth back into the economy. You thought Marshall Henderson was doing an interesting psychological experiment.

Behold. You think it's kind of remarkable that he doesn't, like, get off a better post every once in a while by accident? No, I think it's by design at this point. I think it's going to be a lot on purpose? Yes. So he could post better if he wanted to? No, I just mean he has an inadvertently hit upon a combination of words that aren't dumb. Yeah, I'm saying, Ryan is indicating it's on purpose as if Elon has a higher gear that he chooses not to hit.

I don't believe that. Yes, I think he's trying to tank the posting economy one by himself. So he can buy low. Brother, I have some news for you. So he can not buy low. This is the list of things that could go wrong with the station like this, I know that if it's catering to the wealthy, somebody the first thought I had was this somebody climbing aboard

being like I get to bring my ferrets right oh no you can yeah you said we're trans species so you said that was okay they get taco Tuesday that's true I said space I said space chicken shit was gonna smell I would like to revise that upwards to space

ferret anything yeah I think the smell of ferret can overcome anything in the universe look I'm not saying it's easy on earth and I'm trying to be sensitive here but I suspect that is way harder and way more unpleasant to get divorced in space. Right?

Space divorce. Like, space divorce is so claustrophobic. Have I told you all about getting divorced over Zoom? No. Because I did. And the degree to which they go, the links to which they go to make it like real life court, even in ways that don't make that easier or smoother.

And the main one I mean is this, Zoom has ways. waiting rooms, right? Sure. You could be parked in front of a blank screen and admitted to join a meeting. But instead, you're invited to the same, like, you're, it's like actual court. You're invited to the same Zoom meeting with like 40 other people who were getting divorced that day.

Yeah. And everybody's, and everybody has to have their cameras on. Yeah. And so, like, instead of admitting people like two at a time, it's just like court only instead of all these people like standing behind and arrayed around you and checking their phones or whatever while you talk to the judge. Everyone's just right there in their cameras watching your marriage dissolve. It is bizarre.

So once those 40 turn into 40 singles, are that they then attempts to recombine. Given the fact that I got divorced in Fulton, I'm kind of amazed that this did not, that this was not included. And of course, there's the one person who does not mute, who doesn't know how to mute. That has to be in New York Times vows column that is at least coming. We met on California divorce Zoom. Zoom divorce court. This has got to be in a White Lotus season at some point. He's a designer of the Stanford Torres Space Station.

Can I put some time on your calendar after this? She's a Reiki healer with a compulsive gambling problem. Made of ferrets. She hopped on a column and then she hopped on that D. She's 37 ferrets stuffed into a jacket. But she smells. okay with some of the

libertary dipshits who are going to be fueling and participating this I have no doubt that one option in space divorce court is going to be the airlock when face with the

you have to give so many dollars per, I'm sorry so many space ferret dollars per month to your spouse you forfeit this many tacos on Tuesday

you're right heavy you will no longer be able to be able heavy Fridays for free You have to pay to experience the GERF. Every Friday. No Mammoth Mondays for you.

No. Your life is a little bit slower up here. I feel so titanic. It's incredible. Your spouse will inherit half of your 10-ton Tuesday. The Space King Rat offers you the choice of the airlock instead. Survive for three minutes and you will be free of your burdens. Of your marriage.

Astronaut King Templeton. is going to take over the judicial system. Complete, just as Templeton says you have to complete one lap running with wearing all the pool goggles around the inside of the Taurus. If you can do that and live, no alimony.

You must drive the Taurus around the Taurus and then you will be free of your marriage. If you can catch the moon rock being hurled at this station with your bare hands, Justice Templeton will release you. Go look at the

number of people who think they could fight a bear in real life and they'll be like, bro, I'll catch that moon rock shit. I'll catch the moon. You say I can't punch the moon out of orbit? Fuck you. I was varsity, man, I got this. I also love that this is based on a dare from a rat. Like, that's not the part that registers. You know, they're not

like, who are you a fucking rat to tell me what to do? They're like, you said, you said I can't. Oh, I'll show you, I will. That's what Donna said. That's why we're fucking divorced. That's why I'm trying to space divorce her. Mother-in-law. She's divorced. It felt appropriate.

Okay, fair enough. Hi, Donna. Two things, right? It's like two things I'm keeping in this divorce borough. One, the Space Dodge Challenger. I'm keeping that. And two, I'm going to go out that airlock and try to master chief it back down to Earth rather than pay space alimony.

I got this. Question. Question for the court. Is the space challenge, oh, we should probably call it something else. When does that ever go wrong? Space Dodge also. Space Dodge also. Space Dodge is good.

I was just going to ask if the space Dodge Challenger is a surface vehicle for the... Sorry, that's how you tell us part. Is a surface vehicle for the moon or is it a spacecraft? Yes. You know what? Fair enough. All you need is a ramp. Yeah. And a dream.

Buddy with a hemie, we're going to take that shit anywhere. Every spacecraft can be a landing craft if you believe. Yeah, it's not... The state of the landing is not specified. Any object can be a spacecraft. And that's good, because if there's one thing we don't want around this, it's regulations. How badass of a hot air balloon would you need to build to get it to get to space? That's a red ballast atmosphere.

Red Bull has a pretty close answer to this. I was going to say, I have the actual answer since I've thought about this a lot. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Why? well largely do to have when you say you thought about this a lot i have i have children and whoa i picture like a i picture like a smoke alarm i picture like a smoke alarm going off and spencer's just in the corner thinking like so if the hot air balloon was made of this i think it's okay go ahead so you have you have the floor so you can get close and the sky but it cannot get

to space. You can get very, very close. In fact, there are tours that you can take to get to, quote, the edge of space for about $133,000, according to Condonastroval. So that's two New Mexico bowls. Yeah, yeah. You can sponsor two bowl games for the ride. They will take you in a, they will take you in a balloon, and they will take you pretty close. I'm trying to get the exact. What do you wear? Ascot. You need to wear an Ascot. astronaut astrocott this is a what the aliens are up there i need you to be classy right i need an ascot okay right i choose to believe uh baste or pop your collar the aliens are coming how mad spencer how mad would you be if we left for another planet and we kept all our fashion rules it was like no man shorts are inappropriate you oh my god we got the we got the we got the dress for air travel crowd up here talking about what to wear on a space shop

We still wear suits on Venus. This is one of the advanced rules because they do accurately track the notion of ah, we colonized another planet and then the planet immediately being like, fuck you! Like this. Like, hey, could you guys send that back?

No. No, we're here now. We don't need you. We don't need you. We wear ties. We don't wear ties. We don't do any of that shit anymore. We have our incorruptible space rat to deliver justice for us.

Justice Templeton. Templeton the incorruptible. We are the Internet's only college football podcast. You are listening to the Delsso Tones of me. Spencer Hall joined, as always, by Ryan Nanny, Jason Kirk, and Holly Anderson. Hello? With Michael Serber on the ones and twos. Normally, we devote all 90 minutes or so of this podcast to discussing nothing but college football every single week.

I think Cerber cuts a lot of the fat, which I appreciate. We need to go 90 today. Did you just say go 90? Somewhere Stephen Godfrey twitches and anger. It's a Wednesday. Yes, the flagship podcast of a soon-to-be-dumed streaming network went 90. That is going to be the name. Twibby's only college football podcast, the shutdown forecast.

We have no fat this week because we're going to begin immediately with content. 31 minutes into recording. and a guest. We are going to get to the point. We're going to arrive at the point, if you will. I'll take over from here, because there's no way you can better that segue. No, go ahead. So, that's Tuesday, May 2nd, as we are recording this,

on April 29th in mid-afternoon, I first became aware of what we're just going to describe as the incident via Jocelyn Silver, a journalist on Twitter, who said, she's describing, I think if I'm a math straight, she's describing Friday night show, right, Paul? Correct. We'll get to Paul in a second. See, that was like a, that was like a serial style thing.

That was good. Yeah. My weird producers in the car beside me. Friends who went to the L.A. Philharmonic last night, says Jocelyn, are reporting that in the middle of the show, A dumb lady had a screaming orgasm to the point where the whole orchestra stopped playing. Now, she is followed up by a couple different people who report that, yes, this does happen. No, the orchestra did not stop playing.

And it gets chopped up and with kind of astonishing speed lands in the LA Times. And what I think is, and I'm going to read this more, I'm going to read more of this than I normally would, because I think it's a really beautiful piece in tone. This is Christy Karras, writing in the music section at the L.A. Times. And the first person they interview, this is the third paragraph of the story. I saw the girl after it happened, and I assume that she had an orgasm because she was heavily breathing, and her partner was smiling and looking at her, like in an effort not to shame her, said Grant. It was quite beautiful.

And you go on throughout the piece and they, I'm sure they tried, but the L.A. Times cannot find a person who will speak against this happening. Everyone's like, yeah, that's beautiful, man. Hey, I love Chikovsky. Wait, I have seen other people in, in this article who said that they dispute the orgasm theory. The noise, nobody disputes the noise. but the theory of cause There is an audio tweet There is audio of it There is yes

Yeah that we can send to you If you haven't heard this It was certainly a shout But we're not the witnesses Or the experts here Aren't we now So this brings us around to Paul We have

We have with us today A member of the LA Philharmonic A trombonist which I think we can all agree is the most sensual of instruments. Many, many do say that. Paul, welcome to the full cast. We're so relieved to have somebody on here, not named Matt. Tell us what happened Friday night from your perspective.

Start wherever you like. I mean, it was a typical kind of Friday evening concert up until that point, relatively uneventful first movement of the Chikovsky. and no one clapped between movements, which happens a lot here in Los Angeles. So that should have been kind of the first warning sign that not everything was, you know, not everything was on the level. And I don't know how familiar either you all are or the audiences with how much the trauma plays in the orchestra. But it's not always a lot.

So, you know, the incident occurred, you know, relatively early in the second. movement but you know after a couple of minutes where I didn't really have anything to play and so when I have nothing to play I'm just kind of sitting there trying to you know look professional and not fall asleep and remember when to play next and all of a sudden I you know it comes to kind of a paw a natural pause in the music and and the noise occurs and the first thing that went through my head is someone is having a medical emergency that was like Immediately what I thought I'm like, they're going to have to wheel somebody out of here, you know, I, yeah, I was worried that something had gone terribly, terribly wrong.

But, you know, we didn't hear any follow-up noise, and we, you know, no one, no one, like, was wheeled out that I could tell. So I'm like, well, it must have been not that bad, whatever it was. Well, for witnesses nearby, it sounded like this girl's partner was sitting beside her just kind of beaming. So I'm guessing medical emergency can be ruled out. Yes, but I couldn't see. So this all occurred behind me and kind of over my right shoulder. So in a place where I really couldn't look. You know, I can't just be sitting on stage like I know podcasting a famously visual medium.

But I can't like turn my whole body around and look to see what happened. I got to just like stay forward. which is kind of what we all did on stage. We're all just like, uh, and so just, you know, seeing if something was going to happen playing on and all that. Now, who was conducting at that time, and what did their face do? Our conductor that evening was Elam Chan for that whole program,

and she was a real, she's a real pro, and she was a real pro about it. She just kind of, you know, kept going. I did not notice any, you know, big change in her demeanor. And so we kind of, you know, just kind of, you know, just kept going. And after about a minute, I think I sort of forgotten about it until after the show. So sometimes on our Friday evening programs, we do these things called casual Fridays. And it's so that basically the program's a little bit shorter and there's no intermission. We don't have to wear a tie. Like a school show. Yeah, like, you know, sort of. And then also one of the musicians kind of gives a little pre-concert talk.

you know, just to break down the barrier a little bit between stage and audience. But then after the show, there is a little kind of drinks get together. They bribed us musicians there by giving us free drink tickets, and then members of the audience come, and we all get to kind of hang out and chat. And about half an hour into the little after party, this very nice British man and his two French sons came up to me, and one of his sons was like, I have a very serious question for you.

I was like, okay. He's like, what was the noise? You scandalized a French lad. And I was like, I was like, man, I don't really know. He's like, was it from the stage? And I was like, no, it was definitely from behind the stage. That would be a new trick. Yeah.

No, it was, I could see how he might have thought that, though, sitting out in the hall, you know, because it was, I think, really from right behind the stage. So I could see how he thought that. and then, you know, we didn't really think about it again until I started seeing the Twitter threads pop up on Saturday. And then, you know, when the Times story ran on Sunday afternoon, kind of, you know, it all broke loose and all my friends are like sending me messages.

Like, were you performing? I was like, yes, I was there. I'm going to cut in here with a couple more quotes from the LA Times story. Silver Lake resident and music agent Lucas Burton says the sound from the audience member was wonderfully timed to a romantic swell. in the symphony and i do want to back this up it's it's this was the this was the symphonic sexual equivalent of you know when you're yelling to a friend in a crowded room and the conversation goes quiet right when you yell clown fucker and just into a suddenly you know into a sudden poppy of silence and i think i think it was

a felony but it's hard to tell she wasn't moving but we just left her in the trunk No, it really, I do have to say it really was wonderfully timed. We were trying, one of the things we were talking about between some of my colleagues the last few days is better places that it could have happened in this week. I'm so glad you brought that up because that is our game. Oh, good. This is our game that we are going to play. No, so, yeah, well, I won't, I won't spoil it with any ideas, but that's the very game we've been playing. and one of my colleagues who likes to do little audio projects

has been, you know, he's been saying here, here, and so we've been... So he's sampled it, and now the sample is propagating throughout the rest of the soundtrack. It could be, so I, you know, not at liberty to share anything, but yes, it's definitely a game that we've been playing. So that's a little, that's actually a little bit different from the game that we're going to play today. I hadn't been thinking of it in terms of where to insert screaming orgasms and pieces of music.

We were just talking about, immediately for some reason between us after this story came out, the conversational vein that we fell into was most in conquer was public places to jack it. Like not even necessarily most inappropriate, but just like places where you just super would not, like, we're not even going for like the most shocking. just like the, huh, wouldn't expect that. Because it's pretty shocking anywhere. Yeah. Like, even if it's a place where you would suspect somebody that sketchy was hanging out. Yeah.

I would do that. It's generally pretty shocking. But, like, you need a long wait. You need a fairly, like, not a super well-lit room. So, you know, the first guess is... Don't kick shame. Well, no, I mean, to get as close as possible... Dentist waiting room.

I'm trying to make a comparable setting. here. Like, I'm trying to draw as many parallels between the settings as possible. The first thing I came up with is DMV because all the fluorescence never work, right? There's dark corners even in daylight. Yeah. Ryan, I know you had several ideas for this. The DMVs out here in L.A. are way too crowded for that. Lincoln Park is actually okay.

So my first idea is... To have sexual Congress in the middle of a weekday. My first idea is a weekday Marlins game. As the home run status. you spins. Yeah, just mostly because it's just sort of like, why did you bother? Like, there's so many. Has his glasses up on his forehead and is just rubbing his eyes

tiredly for those. There's so many, why did you bother to come to a weekday Marlins game? Be one of the 7,000 people who did that. To feel you the breeze on your cooter. There are so many places you could feel the breeze on your cooter in Miami. That's like Miami's whole thing.

Yeah. Well, yeah, but it's most likely that you'd feel the breeze in traffic. Yeah, but you're feeling the breeze with a little privacy at a little because it's because it's a closed facility I guess that's true that is true you can almost guarantee that there will be no one around you

that's what people always complain about when you try to have sex at a Hurricanes game is like I feel like this isn't private I feel like this isn't intimate enough yeah we got it downgrade just a little bit Paul is correct though this did happen at an A's game already

yeah I was I was like I was like I really do remember seeing that, you know, some distant video of that on Twitter at some point in time. I don't remember how long ago, but it's stuck in my brain. It was against the Mariners, though. Yeah, that's

low-stakes baseball. That's a great choice. Especially in the Coliseum, like nobody's there to watch that. Back when the, back when it had just opened the Toronto Skydome became known as the Sex Dome for about six months after a couple did it in the windows of the hotel facing

the field. Sure. They did it. Yeah. And of course, the knowledge was, they couldn't have, no, they, they, they knew. They absolutely knew. So, and baseball fans, of course, being,

um, being the board people that they are, were just like, yeah! Like they caught, but that's how they initially panned over. Like, you know, they're like, oh, the fans are cheering something. Oh, goodness, Gord! Get the camera away from that. This is where we needed, we needed, we needed, the Red Sox announcers team

who had the pizza slice thrown to call this moment. We need a Jerry Remy. We need a Jerry Remy to really flesh this out. Which sports fans wouldn't cheer that? If we're saying baseball fans Northwestern? Philly. They just boo it, just on instinct. Booh.

Yeah, yeah. He's doing a terrible job. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, Chats fans. Get Brian Dawkins in there. Need a real. hitter. Come on. Tennis at Indian Wells.

No matter who's going on. Those are bitterly unhappy people. Yeah. Yeah. Yes, but now the Australian Open. Australian Open. Oh, no, it's almost expected there, but oh my God, the sun are. So hot. So hot. Yeah. Really. You got to.

Oh, my God. You're bare ass on those bleak. Yeah. Got to think about that. Another answer I came up with that I ultimately walked back was during the Queen's funeral. But then I realized, like, there are definitely. people who specifically had sex during the Queen's funeral. Yes, Irish, possibly Welsh, certain Scots. I'm banging my mind by saying, like, we don't give a damn about Maggie. That's what I'm doing. You had a really good Scottish lady voice. They're just completely deserted you between

episodes, and I think that's fascinating. That's Irish. I don't know how to do Irish. I would also like everybody to know that this incident has already made it onto the Wikipedia page for Chikovsky's Fifth Symphony. I'm not surprised to hear that. Under the critical reaction section. Reception. It is raved to me, buddy. It is preceded by this sentence.

Contemporary reception of Chikovsky's fifth has been largely positive. And then there's a story that goes with it. You know, I don't know. I don't know how much you guys know about orchestra incidences from the past, but I saw someone online, you know, compare this to living through the reaction to the famous right of spring premiere. Yeah. And how, you know, there's

these different conflicting reports of what actually happened and, you know, what everyone ends up remembering is just the legend. But, you know, we're all living that in real time right now. That was one of the things I really loved about this, is it was a story that appeared on the internet. And it sounded very, very good.

And then it was verified a couple of times on social media by people who were there. But it's still not quite a story, and you're waiting, you go, please, please let me see this in LA Times. Please let me see this in a legitimate place that has to actually source this shit. And then it appeared. It appeared. It's been updated several times since it initially appeared, but filled with approbation,

referred to as wonderful and refreshing by members of the audience. Yeah, this would not be the review. It's just such a great reminder that Twitter's not real life. Paul, this is your place of work, and so I feel like you should have the say here. If you had to choose between this being a one-off or this becoming a friend, and those are the only options, which would you rather it be? I really do feel like just the one-off, you know, just have that legend, have that moment, and it's, you know, it'll be talked about forever.

If it started becoming a trend, I feel like it would get tired pretty quickly. So interesting. Well, it can become, I like the idea of it becoming kind of a ghost story. on the tour of the Disney Concert Hall. Like, they say, if you sit and seat 31B, you'll feel a little bit damp around hour two. Follow-up question. Do you know when you all are supposed to perform this piece next?

There'll be a line around the block. Yeah, I mean... Chike 5 comes up every year or two. So I don't know. We perform too often for me to have the schedule memorized. But I'm sure it sometimes, within the next two years, you know, in a short enough period of time that people will still have it in mind, I would guess. I'm excited because I predict on that day, you and your colleagues

will be like, is it going to happen again? Is it going, is there something about this piece of music? I mean, I can't hear the piece without it now. So like, it's, it's, you're going to be so fired up to play that day. Wait, let's get it done. Record it off a song off the radio and like the station call sign is in the middle of the song. Right. And then when you hear it on the. album there's just that blank space there in the middle you know what ironically you guys might be pretty tense by the end of this piece if it doesn't happen but yeah marlin's day game is my my best answer to your question holly i was going to say the i was going to say the landing at uh plymouth rock just right right then in there here with

View the providence of God. We have... Oh, finally, we're off that fucking boat. Oh, thank God. I'm not on a boat full of Calvinists anymore. I've been holding this in for months. I can just see like Martha Good Woman proxed out there just being like, I got to let it loose. Hold on.

First I got a puk. Then we're going to do this. And then I'm going to die. Tonight I'm fucking something up. Sorry, got to the new world. how good he procter with a strap on and the pale moonlight. I need Plymouth Rock to land on a certain

piece of me right now. What are rocks for after all, but grinding. That's true. Yes. See, that's, that is the funniest part of this to me, too, is that I heard the audio and I was like, oh, oh, girl, you needed that. You just had to let that go. There was no choice.

It was forceful. It was, Congratulations to her. Yeah, no, it'd been a minute. A lot of, a lot went into it. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with Spencer deciding that he is the expert on what orgasm sounds mean. Oh, listen, I'm not, but I know enough that I heard that and I thought, there was no choice. That was imperative. Okay.

You know, you see people on Twitter being like, oh, you horny, horny. That's, yeah. She was down bad. And then she wasn't, thanks to the magic of classical music. What an amazing achievement. Nothing gets people going like, I know enough. Put it in his Tinder profile. This is how Johnny,

this is how Johnny Sins becomes a member of the Los Angeles Philharmonic. It's strictly for this piece, along with... Old Miss alum, Johnny Sins. Yes, former, that's Dr. Johnny Sings to you. Dr. Ole Miss. I had an unrelated question I wanted to ask Paul really quickly because I looked at his bio

Oh good, I was going to ask this too So please go ahead So you grew up in Overland Park, Kansas Which apparently Only turns out people who are really successful Who live in Los Angeles Is that correct? I do have some other

Some other classmates that I went to school with Who vended up here So I see Johnson County plates all over Yeah Okay you played your first trombone that came from your dad and your dad acquired the trombone

when he traded it for a pig yes oh this is yeah this is I'm glad you noticed this because this is one of my favorite stories um so my my dad grew up on a farm out in western Nebraska Lou Ellen Nebraska if anybody knows where that is about halfway between North Platte and Scott's Bluff

just way out in the middle of nowhere they're in the pandemic handle. And so he comes home from school one day, you know, fourth or fifth grade, whenever band starts up. And he tells his parents, he's like, oh, I want to join the band. And they're like, well, you know, that's great. What instrument did you want to play? He said, oh, the trombone looks really fun. And then they're like, oh, great, we actually know somebody who has a trombone. So they call up my dad's uncle Ernie. And Ernie was a polka band player. You know, all those those Eastern Europeans that ended up in, you know, Western Nebraska. And he had an extra trombone laying around.

So they're like, hey, Ernie, you know, you got a spare of trombone. He's like, yeah, I do. And they're like, well, what do you want for it? And he's like, well, you guys are hog farmers. Send me a slaughtered pig, and I'll send you the trombone. And that was the trombone that my dad played all through high school. And then that was the trombone that I found in the basement when I was in my fourth grade.

I love those. Farmers continue to make America great. They do. Every day. Every day. Every day. So I just wanted to point out your entire career, your livelihood, and your passion would be impossible without the power of ham.

It is very much hand-powered, yeah. And not just Paul's passion. There's another passion out there. That was stirred by this transaction. He led us here. I consider this. a win for Arkansas, really. Woo!

The most sensual of SEC football franchises, the Arkansas Razorbacks. That's actually true because they don't win often, and it's a long simmer before they eventually get there. You raise your back? You put a deck. The Bolero of football programs.

I have one more question for Paul. Paul, is, how would you rate this particular piece in terms of its sensuality? And do you think there's a better choice for people who want to come to see live orchestral music and have a sensual experience. I'm a great interviewer, Goddain. Thank you for taking that breath right there.

Speaking of musicality. Yeah, that was very well done. You know, I don't know if you're a musician, Ryan, but, you know, you've got, you might have a, you might have a bit of talent in you. Um, thank you. No, I mean, I saw some people critiquing the choice of peace, and I had to say I disagree. I think Chikovsky is definitely in, and Chike 5 in particular, is like, I'd say that's, you know, that's definitely not a bad choice. I would say that's, at least in the top quartile, if not above that, in terms of pieces that you could choose for that. You know, I see people, I saw people saying Bolero.

I'd say Belero is a really bad choice. Belaro is so chaotic. I know. It's, it's, I would not, yeah, Belero is not there. I think, um, but it has a trombone solo, doesn't it? It does, it does indeed have a trombone solo. And actually the trombone solo is the last solo. All the solos in Belera, the trombone is the last one you hear before it's all, um,

two-de passages, um, to the end of the piece. Okay. Very, you know, a bit of a stressful solo. So maybe, I might be biased against it because of that. But I think when I was thinking about this, an unconventional choice, I don't know if any of you are familiar with the music of Olivier Messianne. No. So he was this absolutely kind of bonkers French guy who,

he had a few things that he really loved in the world. A couple of them were playing the organ and transcribing bird songs. He has a whole, he has bird songs all throughout a lot of his compositions. But there was one in particular just called Exotic Birds and it's just a whole piece of bird songs and weird rhythm. And he was also a synesthesia. So he very much wrote music to kind of match the colors

that those combinations of notes kind of conjured in his brain. And so I, and the Triangle Lila Symphony is a, the piece that I was thinking. And this is a piece that's, you know, it's about an hour and a half long, and it's all about, it's all about love. And, you know, Olivia and Messian just kind of writing about love in his weird kind of French way. And so that was, you know, I don't know in the concert hall, if that would be a particularly great experience. but I would say for home use.

The Messian, I think, might be an unconventional, but it's a choice that kind of came to the top of my mind. I was thinking the worst choices. I'm going to ask you for the two worst choices for this if you were going to do it. My starter would be, I cannot imagine somebody doing Leggeti atmospheres and getting to that point

just because that's so off-putting. and disturbing and arrhythmic throughout the whole thing. Wait, Slava. I'm amending my good answer to Slava. But I was going to ask, like, what if you had a name two pieces where you're like, no, no, absolutely not.

Not possible. Yeah, I think in the line of the, of the Ligatee, and I'm just looking this, I'm looking this up so that I, oh yeah, the Penderetsky, I'm actually as being from Kansas I'm I always terribly mispronounce things and I have colleagues that make fun of me for it but the the Threndity for the victims of Hiroshima I don't know if you guys are familiar with that piece but you know that's that's another one in the vein of the legity that it's just such off-putting sounds the whole time and you know I mean it's meant to you know invoke kind of the terror that people felt it that that much moment. Um, so that, that would definitely be kind of a bottom of the barrel choice. Um, I, you know, some other, I, I saw some people saying they would choose like Bach. And I'm like,

nah, I, I, I really do not think Bach would be a good choice for that either to go. That's like a training, that's a training wheels piece. Yeah, but like, I just, I don't know, Bach is, Bach is so tied to, like, tied to religion. He was always, almost all of his pieces were sacred. And, you know, I, it's just, something about Bach didn't, didn't, people saying that, I disagreed with that pretty strongly. Wow.

Yeah. Paul, before we let you go, what chair are you and how can we help you advance your career? Yeah, I'm the, I'm the second, trombonist. But, you know, I think there was actually an article in, I can't remember the name of the nude's paper in Pittsburgh if it's the Post or what it's called. I think it's the Post Gazette, maybe? Post Gazette, okay, yeah, I was like, I couldn't remember if it was the Post or the Gazette, so that, you know, it makes sense. But one of my kind of fellow second trombone players was

interviewed for an article. They did about second chair players in orchestras. And how, you know, It really, especially in the wind section, people kind of misunderstand the job. You know, it's not that we are necessarily less talented than our colleagues around us, but it's just that we kind of serve a different job. You know, it's my job as second trombone player to make, you know, our principal trombone sound really good, to make our bass trombone sound really good, and to kind of fill out the section. So in terms of like advancing my career, like there's not a lot better that you can do as an orchestral musician than playing the LIFL.

So, like, I've got it pretty made. Oh, I specifically meant how can we help you take out the first chair? Oh, no, no, no, no. I, I, both, both David and Jim are great colleagues. All right, all right, you keep us posted. And, and I mean, Jim is an Iowa football fan. I wouldn't want anything worse to befall him. You know, he already has to deal with, he already has to deal with watching Iowa football, you know.

And you know, well, I mean, yeah. He had to be pretty mad on Friday because someone's, scored. Folks, that's as good a note as ever. I believe there's been a better note. Hey, I'm trying to let Paul go, and the show is just clinging to him for dear life. Paul, thank you so much for making your time. Tell us where people can find you on the internet besides at the Disney Concert Hall.

Oh, no one should find me on the internet. Just come in. If you guys, if you guys let us see my work, just come to a concert at the film. So we play, yeah, Disney Concert Hall, Hollywood Bowl during the summer. It's both of them are a good time. Oh, it's a great show. All right, man. Thank you so much.

We appreciate your time. And thank you for volunteering to take us inside this magical night. I just wanted to make sure that, you know, that people had perspective on the events. We appreciate it, man. Have a good one. You too. All right. Bye.

So on May 5th, they got Dvorzac and Broek coming up. Oh. In the NFL, there is no margin for error. One mistake can change the outcome of the game. Science proves quality sleep can help boost reaction time, recovery time, and overall athletic performance. As the official sleep wellness partner of the NFL, sleep numbers mission is to provide players with data and insights to optimize their sleep.

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trust Sleep Number for their best rest. And now, during Sleep Number's biggest sale of the year, save 50% on the Sleep Number Limited Edition Smart Bed. plus special financing for a limited time only at a sleep number store or sleep number.com Sleep number, official sleep and wellness partner of the NFL, C store for details. Do you think they'll find who fingered the perp? You've been waiting on that and I appreciate it. A lot of dudes out there going to take their girl to one of the unfinished symphonies.

That's what I know. I was like, you know, if they'd just gone during Mahler, any Mahler symphony, this wouldn't even be a story, right? They'd be like, woman has two-hour-long screaming orgasm during a Mahler symphony and no one hears it. They call it a little piece of Mueller for a reason. Who's the second chair of our podcast? Second chair? Yeah.

Well, I think it's you and me, isn't it? We play different instruments. That's true. We play five different instruments here. That's true. in terms of see I would put Spencer's a conductor

then we have four different instruments see I would have said server's a conductor Spencer and Jason are first chairs and Ryan and I are second chairs they're totally where you're your sturdy base I just play timpony

that's it you can't take everything from me do you want the tip I like give me the loud bangy give me the big instrument I want the big boy I'm playing the goddamn triangle start to play

Spencer, one instrument? Would you like the biggest one? That's what I want. Does that what I sound like? No, that's Spencer. Oh. I'm just sitting there with the pedal. I like the notion of playing

and I know percussionist and in big orchestras rotate based on the needs of a piece, but I really like the idea of making an organization like the L.A. Phil and just playing marimbo's. Because it always strikes me as a deeply unsurious instrument. I respect Paul's answer, and at the same time, I really hope getting off at the orchestra becomes the new TikTok trend.

Because frankly, I think that would be great for orchestras across America. Yeah. That's how you get the young people involved. Also, you know, if you're getting off non-penetratively, that's safe. Yeah. Do you think there are hand stuff-only orgies? hang on Arizona state

dot edu slash Ryan Ryan yes that's called a church lock in yeah yeah call it called the street

fighting everyone's catching hands over the closed stuff dot edu the answer to is there a kink yes

whatever it is somebody right you're right hands only orgy small hands orgy small hands orgy What?

The first result I got was small hands orgy. Your ad experience is going to be very different. We're exactly the same. No, baby. This is an incognito window. Come on, I'm a pro. Oh, thank you to this important two of 2015 piece from the all. How many guests constitute an orgy?

That's a great question. That is a good question. That's a real argument of the beard kind of setup. Is it? Wait, so what, are there many theories? Two is a mating. Okay, five, yeah. I'm going to go with five.

Okay, here's the relevant paragraph. Two is a mating, three is a three-way, four is a four-g. You would think five is logically an orgy, but no, five is two couples who keep forgetting about the creepy guy in the corner. Six is an accident. You didn't get enough for a gang-bang, but you got too many for something more innocent and lovely. Six is gross. Seven is probably a really mild. semi-orgy an afternoon tea time

of group sex. Seven is your grandmother's orgy, polite and manageable with people ducking out for treats when winded. That does sound ideal. Eight is certainly enough to hide from somebody with bad pheromones or gross genitalia. Nine, though. Nine is when we create the bare underpinnings

of an orgy. A minimum of nine. Five is Jerry this is, this is former colleague Corey Sika. Hey Corey. Good. I trust him. Yeah, if you say so There's not a room in the world with enough ventilation for me to verify any of that I feel like seven is that's got to qualify

But I feel like if I'm fucking six different people and someone tells me you weren't in an orgy Yeah I'm gonna have a little bit of an argument Are you just saying I know how much classical music I've In the past four hours all of the Requiem mass Are you kidding me? Yeah, if they tell you, if you go through all that work

And they still don't give you the little orgy badge I don't have this achievement I don't know my damn orgy badge That is not how Boy Scouts works He did not get an orgy badge I called man scouts ran Not only was I in Girl Scout Troop 69 and didn't keep any of the regalia

Because I was an idiot when I was in middle school there was a every few years they would come with these like different empowerment campaigns and you get a little patch for it but when I was in middle school we had one that was I swear to God the girl comes first in Girl Scouting

no which based on my experiences of camp was always true no damn but no seriously Google this I'm not making this I believe it was like a pink and green and blue patch okay hang on yeah you can't you can't you can't you can't Google these things with Girl Scout because

then you never know when your computer gets seized. I'm just going to find it. Ah, it was the 80th anniversary of Girl Scouting in 1992. That's nice. That's fun. One thing I did not share from the... I'm going to drop this in the chat. It's the official Girl Scout History site. No one's getting...

From the Chikovsky's fifth Wikipedia. On the symphony's first performance in the United States, this is the reaction from the Boston Evening Transcript. the furious peroration sounds like nothing so much as a horde of demons struggling in a torrent of brandy the music growing drunker and drunker this is somehow a negative review yeah it does kind of yeah yeah yeah um yeah god damn where the fuck do you go from there ryan you mentioned the queen's funeral yeah earlier

natural transition have you guys seen the list of objects that are getting tooted around the abbey during the coronation of the king? I have,

but I'm stuck on an associated thing. Is it orb? It's not orb. It is, and I have to look it up. I did not know that when you became king

your video game inventory contained so many enchanted objects. We had a request from reader David at Thank you for contributing to the orgy episode David at Lickle Puma

on Twitter who requests that we go through this list and see who we would nominate to tote each of these items because each of these items gets tooted by a different baron or general or Duke or reverend or

before we get to this can we talk about the the king's champion? Yes! Because we could all take that guy, right? He's a 68-year-old former accountant. Who's been trampled by his own cows before. Okay, hang on.

We should back up. Yes, this is from a Daily Mail article. I'm sorry about that, but... By his own admission, Mr. DiMoke, I don't know if that's what you say it, but that's how I'm saying it, is not a fighter. Nor is the father of three, the right size for squeezing into either of the last two remaining suits of armor standing in the hallway of his... ancestral home.

This is fucking made up. Do you know what his title is? Are you ready? Yeah. Okay. I'm sorry. I believe he is the, is he the 35th?

Yeah, he's the 34th Kings champion. All right, so he's the 34th of Scribblesby. No. Yeah. That is not his fucking title. Absolutely it is.

Absolutely it is. Scrovelsby. The way this used to work, and it hasn't been this way in like 170 years or some shit, the king's champion would show up in full armor on a horse, and he would throw his gauntlet down three times on his way up to wherever the coronation was happening. And basically, this was the opportunity to, like, fight this dude for the right to dispute the king's claim to the throne. It's like the black panther competition once removed. right

and it's like to speak now if you know why these people shouldn't get married but for coronations I guess my thing is like if you have this job something like there's no way nobody is like

I would like to challenge this man right except this guy I want to challenge right like but there's no way to do that there is no way to say like yes I think fuck Charles and I want to fuck this dude up

so that oh wait so there's there's no current mechanism to actually issue the challenge correct yes and and so i'm like what what is the point of being the king's champion if you're not actually going like i understand that for years none of none of the champions even the ones who showed up on horseback and armor none of them had to like actually do the like game of thrones thing where like i'm fighting on your behalf but like at least keep the threat of it there at least give us some inkling that maybe this shit's gonna You keep saying you want to streamline the monarchy, man.

It's disappointing. It's just fucking disappointing. Pierce Morgan, you have the chance to do the funniest thing ever. This dude's an accountant. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Who couldn't fight him?

All of us could fight him. I think so. I think everybody on split zone duo could fight him. I think everybody on hand in the dirt could fight him. Bud could fight him with one hand. Yeah. Bud's jacked. Bud'll fuck him up.

Who else do we know who has a podcast? Andy Staples could take. him. Yep. Jane, oh, man, we got to send Jane as the people's champion. No, she just hit a new PR on the bench, man. That's true. She's ready. I just, yeah, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be so hung up on this, and I shouldn't be, like, so mad. No, that does suck. That's what I just think, like, if you're going to, if you're going to do it,

you don't have to do it. If you're just like, yeah, we're not fucking doing the King's champion anymore. But if you're going to do it, and it's this important, then, like, How do I challenge? I think, Ryan, it's okay to make fun of England, as always. Like, they have a really stupid tradition, and they don't even use it. That's stupid. That's how they do everything. It's a fake country.

Everything about it is like this. It is. It is a lot of fake. It is, the more I think about it, the more it's like, this is medieval times. This is like, we're putting on fun costumes. But yes, you can have a Pepsi, my lord. It's an entire country built by a, like, fantasy novelist who's like, 200,000 words in

and hasn't, like, introduced any characters yet. Just, like, making shit up. He's not even going to ride a horse? No. No. They used to ride a horse into Westminster Evie. Yes. Yes. That's what I'm saying. Like, if you're going to do this, do this shit right. But instead,

it's just some, some grandpa in his nice suit going to show up and be like, I am here to defend the king from those to death challenges right to the road. So Charles gets to assert this ancient right to rule, but

nobody else gets to assert their ancient right to fight that guy. Correct. This is one of the rare instances where in like in the 1300s this would have been solved quite easily. Yes. Because they would have seen like Old Charles, weak king

murdered. Murdered. Like look. New king. Ride the horse. Oprah. I don't know. I don't know this for sure. This is for Megan. Slapping him with a little gauntlet. I don't know this for sure, but I'm pretty sure that, like, Emmanuel Macron is not having a ton of popularity in France right now.

If he showed up to the coronation with a sword and said, I'm going to fuck this dude up. Yeah. And then I will be king of England. England will be France's one floor. Allee, allie, all, all, all, all, that's right. Run it back. I'm going to get my blues.

Fuck it. I think the King's champion should be someone more substantial. At this point, it should be the highest ranked British wrestler. It should be, or, you know, like, UK wrestler. It should be, at this point, Drew McIntyre. Like, if Drew McIntyre walked in in the, like, black briefs, wet as hell. I mean, the wetest wrestler. That's a big risk.

That's a big risk. That's a floor. That's a very Scottish man that you're giving, putting one step away from the throne in London. Nothing about this is dissuading me from this point in the situation. I mean, I'm with it, but... Let's let our resident Scotsman take over. Jason, who would you slide in there? True fucking McIntyre.

Just... He could eat the Kings champion. I'm here to defend the... Oh, my God, he's broken at half. He's been kicked... He's been kicked by an acrobat who weighs 290 pounds. I just... wish this 68-year-old man, who's probably reasonably nice.

Wait, he's only 68? As rich British men go. Oh, the challenger is 68. Yeah. I just wish the King's Champion, like, had to endure a few weeks of terror of, like, look, it's probably not going to happen, but what if? What if somebody runs up on me? They should at me.

Yeah. And let the K-pop teens have at him. I'm fine. I'm fine if we say, like, look, we're going to even odds here. Kings Champion gets a sword, and you just get rocks. and you've got to figure it out. Like, that's fine. No, this is me hiring.

I'm hiring 15 people, actors who play my entourage and another 20 who play the crowd following me around. And like a boxer who wants a shot at the title, I'm going to follow the Kings Champion around to the coffee shop, to the grocery store.

We're going to follow them to the Tesco, right? And they're going to hold me back as I'm like, I want my shot! You got my pills! And there's like cameras going off, right? Cashing in the briefcase. Meet me at SummerSlam, King's Champion. He's afraid.

He's afraid of greatness. As this guy's just trying to put like his spotted, his can of spotted dick in his bag. Trying to put his fucking beans and his tea and whatever the shit. Look, you scribbles in me, boy, he's in the bag. Boy, me Tesco crisp.

I'm trying to, I'm trying to eat me 10 a.m. dinner and whatever the fuck. Spencer kicks him in the throat. But hot beans fly out Beans at breakfast You sick fuck My prediction is pain Hot like coffee

Not hot like spicy I know he just wants to go home And watch Love Island Wham Whoa God save your ribs Wham! Is the sword that he gets

Like It's either like Some old piece of shit That's not going to do a damn thing Because it's been rusting For a thousand years or it's like some really sarcastically, like, bejeweled. Oh, Jason, I'm so glad you asked.

There are five fucking swords in this ceremony. Yeah, that's ridiculous. A fucking golf bag full of swords. It's like that. The situation calls for a, shut the fuck up. Hold on. Actually, I got to get my pitching sword. Oh, no.

I'm sorry, there's more than that because there are five swords that get carried down the aisle. And none of those include the swords that people are wearing. What a fucking bride zela. One of them was called, one of them was called. Jan has had three swords in her ceremony, so I'm going to have five. Okay. And an orb. One of these is some Doctor Who shit.

This is the sword of temporal justice. God damn. Temporal. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You'll, I'm going to do some justice on you, but you'll get better. You were late.

So, before you get this sword. It's the fucking time stone. Okay. Yeah. This is the scimitar of tardiness. Yeah. This is the sword that turns me into child. link there is there is the

sort of there is in order of procession there is the sword of offering which is I'm going to offer to sword you that's that's the sword you can hand somebody a slice of flat bread pizza on okay no that would be the second one the sword of state as in Michigan State

um delicious there's the sword of mercy also known as the Kirtana that's so dramatic carried by Air Chief Marshall the Lord Peach We are now into Mario Kart. Yep. Through once, Mr. Abbey.

Oh, my God, this fucking British name. The sword of spiritual justice is after that, and then the sort of temporal justice. So the Time Stone does come at the very end. Huh. Time Stone and Full Stone, okay. Look at this, God, fucking witcher-ass bullshit. I need two swords. Wait.

To spell you. I'm sorry, this dude's fucking name is General Sir Gordon Messenger. Yep. Everyone, here's the thing. I get madder and matter, the more I find out about it. All fancy English people have fake names. None of the names are real. Oh, yeah.

They're all names. They're all called like red. They'll have 17 consonants and it's all pronounced like Dave. Yeah. If you're being executed, by the way, you see somebody coming up with seven swords. It's going to be a minute. Yeah. Are you just looking, you're like, well, which one is the worst one?

Is the sort of mercy? a pool noodle? I don't even understand that concept. Oh, if you've never been hit with one, you know it's not merciful. That's probably the one they finish off with. After all the temporal justice being conducted. There's also one role that just says carrying the orb.

Yeah, but if they pull... That's the only thing that made that I want to get there to see. If they pull out one that's like the sword of screaming torture, you don't want that one. That's the one that you're like, yeah, I'm against that one. I feel like I'm playing fucking Diablo. Every goddamn sword has eight words attached to it. Then, then

Emmanuel Macron shows up with the gun of France. Fuck you. France gun. It's just a Saturday night special and an ankle holster. Wow. Okay. It's very sexy. Did you hear me

say they'd call one of these swords the Cortana? Yeah. That's literally a final fantasy sword. I just shocked it up. I forgot about this. If you told me if one day... It's in Final Fantasy six. It's in Final Fantasy six. It's in Final Fantasy 14. It's in Final Fairnessy, Airborne Brigade.

I would guess that everything in England has appeared in a Final Fantasy game, because they all have stupid names, and everything in Final Fantasy is all just named just like random grab bag. The Cartagno is not even a good Final Fantasy game. Oh, see, that's, maybe that's what happens. You're going to be canceled. You attack the King's Champion, and he dies in one hit, and you're like...

It's aid for me or nothing. You attack the King's Champion, and he dies in one hit, and you're like, well, that's fucking easy, and then he morphs into this terrible. Final four. Oh my fucking God. The King's champion has 8,000 hit points. Jesus Christ.

Does he don't have any jab body parts? The grotesque abomination known as the counter lore. No, I just realized Camilla's going to carry him around like crang. Behold Lord Peach. Who disturbs this slumber?

Boy, me steak, chips. Lord Hastings. and the Earl of Wario carrying the spurs. See, if I'm organizing this thing, I'm gonna do it once and I'm gonna start putting shit in like this. Like we'll go,

the sword of temporal justice. Yay. The sword of spiritual justice a bit. You guys, his name, he's got a real name. What's his name? Stuart Peach. Yep. Stu Peach.

That's horrible. Boy. That's better than Pete. That's Lord Stu Peach to you. You show some respect to Sto Peach. Stuart, Stuart, Stuart, Stuart, Stuart, Stuart Peach, Baton, Peach. They call me that because I'm juicy, right? Oh, my God, does he have a tiny, round little bald head?

Yes, he does. And a big old ass. Big old ass. Degantic don't. Actually, kind of. Look at his nato biography. Get a big chest full of big muscles. But, like, if I'm doing, if I'm doing this.

All of this. All of this. wagon on this man. All of this nonsense bullshit to install a king that nobody likes. Who doesn't do anything. He's just going to do this again in like three years for his weird son.

He's also never had to do anything or learn anything or be good at anything. He's never had to be stress test by life. So we could just pull shit on him like the sword of temporal justice. The energy sword. The gravity hammer. Wow. I'm sorry. The keeper

of the jewel house is somebody named Brigadier. Andrew Jackson, I need to get on a plane. There's some unfinished business. Yeah, you know what he is? Sleep herself. Woo! USA! The axe of gummy worms! Now, hold!

You could just put all, you could actually turn the entire thing into, like, Halo. This sounds like just average dad's tool shed. Yeah. You got nicknames for a million different tools. It sounds like an RPG inventory that needs to be managed better. You don't touch that. That's a peg,

pegboard where i keep my horse is weighing you the fuck down come on how you got no potions not a single you know you can sell this shit right you can sell this shit for eight gold never more dubious food not one flaming arrow let's see what's find some dubious food what are the coronation food england has spent a thousand years upgrading its inventory size and nothing else that's true that's that is that is that is they should make up they should make it wear the suit of arbor though because i bet that's clumsiest shit he'd be face planning it every three steps on that marble. It's like a broken mech.

It looked like the shittiest cheapest meck in the world. If he'd be falling like Asimo, that robot that went down the stairs, that's it. I just want to see this poor 68-year-old accountant try to squeeze into a suit of armor and then faceplant every seven steps in Westminster Abbey in front of an appalled King Charles. Riding a horse. Yeah, they got to put him on a horse. I did that. I challenge you to a joust.

And then you do it, and then you're actually joust. Oh, no, you've impaled the accountant. Now you're king or whatever. Now he must in the suit of armor wield the gravity hammer. That's the four of the sings. Oh, you guys. So, you know, there's a big, like, celebratory lunch after the coronation. Yeah.

The centerpiece dish of it has been revealed. Is it coronation chicken? Actually, no. No. It's a quiche of spinach and beans. Delicious. They're so bad. Empire that stretched around the entire world.

And this is what they've landed on. While also being recommended to eat with green salad and boiled potatoes. Fuck me. You know we left World War I, right? No. You know the foods that were available in the trenches aren't the only foods. Listen. The sword of mustard gas will teach you otherwise.

Wielded to this day by Lord Admiral General Sir Such and Such. And if you defeat him, you earn one seventh of the right to face the champion. Behold the right princess, lucky to. Teens in a quiche. Lord of the skies. I assume if you defeat the king's champion that it's revealed that Prince Charles is, actually towed, and the real prince is in another castle, after all.

Oh, man, okay, here is a I kept Googling Time Sword, and I got the most disappointing headline ever. Yeah. Kate Middleton's coronation tiara is causing rouse at the palace amid a race against time. It actually has nothing to do with a race against time.

Some people don't want her to wear a crown. I'd wear three. Is the... Yeah. I'd wear a crown on each boob. I'd trip myself, the Lord of crowning and I wear three crowns. Yeah, like, fuck you. I'm the Lord of Time. I got a sword made out of crowns.

What now? I got a sword made out of time. I'd come in with the baseball wrapped in barbed wire of enlightenment. That's what I'd come in. Oh, it's because Camilla's a fake queen, so now everyone's like, no one should work to yours to upstage the queen and all the actual worlds are like, fuck you. You know what she should look?

What are we supposed to do with this shit? Yeah. Just keep it in storage. You get to bring out all your dumb stuff. swords and I don't get to wear my fun hat. Fuck you. Is there no role in all this where you can wear a sword and a tiara? That's the only way I go.

Mek suit Camilla. Mekshut Camilla. Jaeger Camilla. Granny danger. Yeah, this is where we talk King Charles into wearing the Iron Man suit, the real Iron Man suit

with the thrusts on the hands. Doesn't Charles have to wear one of those crowns with fur on it? Now, they're... Do you imagine the smell? England is into... Is it the same animal? England's into, like, authenticity and history,

so he's got to wear the first... He's got to wear the first Iron Man suit. They're not four-wheel drive. The clunky one. Kuch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-h-billed. Lord Spider-Man's flamethrower. Somebody falls straight through the floor. Some of these just taking the heavy Iron Man suit

falling straight through the floor and somewhere in the back some like Millwall fans gonna be like, Wanka! And the Pope, meanwhile, the Pope's like losers. Should have stayed on the cool team,

fuck faces. Where we have the cool Iron Man suits. You want some fucking knights? Yeah. Oh, the Kishal House also has Terragone. Ooh. Oh, kerfal.

Only once every 40 years. That's that honestly somebody will have a problem with that because it is a spice and because it's associated with French cuisine. They'll be like, ah! France Gun!