Shutdown Fullcast - Shale Varsity, or How To Get Stupid Rich And Still Finish .500

Episode Date: June 23, 2022

Notes… Yet another discussion of Noah, History's First Regretful Boat Owner  The World Cup gives D.C. what it really craves: sports disappointment The petrochemical state of the SEC West, including one school we think might burn chickens for heat LeBron James, French Toast Hercules Let's assume LIV Football will be a thing and figure out who's joining up, when, and why, and what the NCAA will do in response (it's nothing, absolutely nothing) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hobby Lobby and I share the same passions, which are painting models and stealing the antiquities of ancient Babylonia. The fucking, the fucking Nicholas Cage of the Fertile Crescent and selling patterned ribbons, two for a dollar. All I really want to do is make this model train sets grass look extra realistic, and also hoist the crest of Hammurabi from his jewell. chest inside his tomb. I'm just trying to like, I have this little rip in my vest and I just want to sew it up. But also, I want to see the original Gilgamesh on the way. Turns out Moon Night loves macramay. Listen, I don't believe in pornography.

And that is because I'm an evangelical Christian. That is also why I have spent $83 million trying to purchase this cuneiform pornography. lab. Yeah, this naked vestige of, it's from a, it's from a queen 30,000 years ago. I just set it up next to like the, you know, the Disney princess balloons in my hobby lobby. Most people believe that Incadu plowing the actual path of the Euphrates with his gigantic dick is a metaphor. I don't. I see the truth. I see the truth of Gilgamesh's literal. I think Enkidu and Kendrick Lamar, they both have a verse about fucking the world. That's just the, that's the handshake meme, right? Kendrick Lamar and Kidu, fucking the world. Fucking the world for 72,000 years. Yeah, listen, you made your girl pop eight times in a night, Incudy made the Euphrates.

We are not the same. We're not the same. And that is why we are enshrined at a Hobby Lobby Needs. And that is why I started a reasonably priced hobby store. I'll tell you what, you know what my hobby is, is plowing mother earth. All in the name of the Lord. All in the name of the Lord. That's why I sell melon, foam, and wire.

But Lord, you got to be clear, because we could be talking about Marduk. You know, he got a lot of different names. Jesus. I mean, I think Marduk's influence. is can be found in the Hebrew Bible, but I don't believe the Hobby Lobby Corporation would agree with me on that. Nevertheless, they are doing a fantastic job of keeping Marduk's legacy alive. Just a seven-year-old somewhere in rural Oklahoma in church praying, Jesus, tell me what you want me to do with my life. And he's like, I want you to sell ugly craft ships so you can steal treasures

of the ancient. And he's like, yes, Lord, I see your vision. hear you mar duke if i wrote you must liberate me liberate my treasures we've turned we've turned hobby lobbies founder into some cross of like moon night and indiana jones there dude there's so many like shitty religious indiana joneses who are like i'm going to go find noah's arc i'm the guy who's going to do it like that is the lineage of hobby lobby like that is how they got this idea there's already this entire industry of guys who are like i'm I'm going to be the one who's going to find the rock Jesus bled on and the blood's still there.

I love that there is also, that's a telltale sign of something. Like my uncle was a guy who would come in and go, hey, you know they found it. Yeah. Like, oh, yeah, this guy's cracked. Absolutely cracked. Like, my uncle would walk in and go, hey, you know Mount Ararat. That's where the ark is. It's in Turkey.

It's in Turkey, but you know who won't let him go? Go find it? The government. That's right. Of Turkey. The government. The Turkey government. You see, Turkey's trying to join the U.N.

What's that tell you? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Obama. Obama? The European Turk. Obama, the EU, the Turkish government, and Steve, my wife's boyfriend. All in it together.

Add them up, and you get six, six, six. Mm-hmm. I had a book when I was a kid that was like All the reasons Noah's Ark was real And then on the last page It's like, look at this hill in Turkey See that? They won't let us go look

And see what that object is But I bet that's it And you're supposed to be like I'm gonna be the one I'm gonna be the one who's gonna climb up that mountain illegally Get sniped Just to look at a fucking rock You're the Turkish government

You have 5,000 problems And the 5,000 in first Is some jackass who's like Hey, I want to go find an ancient, possibly fictional boat. Hey, I heard you got boat area 51. Let me see it. Ancient boat area 51. How do you find it?

There'll be exactly two animal skeletons, everything. What I'd like to do is take 100 Americans and just go dig up a mountain in your country. The Turkish government's like, they don't do, they don't do 100. It's one guy at a time. Oh, it's like, yeah. That's like, I'm a shovel. The most famous of these dudes, Ron from Indian. Indiana.

Is that literally, no, wait, wait, wait, that is literally his name is Ron from. Wait, wait, wait, wait. His name's Ron. I forget which state he's from, but yeah, yeah. But yeah, he just traipsed all around the Middle East, just pointing at shit and saying, oh, yeah, that's in the Bible, that's in the Bible, that's in the Bible. Is he just going around, like, Wikipediaing the Middle East, right? Like, Jerusalem, yep, definitely here.

Here, source found. This man's just playing fucking Pokemon Snap all throughout the Middle East and just, deciding that he has found things and not a professional archaeologist i forget what his job was i think he was like a real estate no he's a dentist i believe no yeah they got too much money yeah if you want to do if you just want to do ron ron the man's name was ron wyatt uh i apologize to the state of indiana because he was from madison tennessee so so two things one the wikipedia pages page just searches for noah's arc not the noah's arc page searches for noah's arc searches for Noah's Ark is exceptionally long and includes an astronaut.

Like, this is very complicated. But my big question is always like, okay, you go find Noah's Ark. Then what? The checkmate, atheists. Checkmate. Here's my favorite part. Here's my favorite part. Oh, we have proved the Bible.

We have proved Jesus. We've proved the resurrection. No, the fuck you haven't. You've proved Gilgamesh. They wrote that shit first. If all you have to do to prove the existence. of God is find an old boat with dead animals on it like just go to key west that's right the blessings abound all throughout the great state of florida that's one's got two dead cats

i think this is noah's skiff listen man i can go down i can go down to plaque mine parish and i can find a john boat loaded with all kinds of dead animals this morning this morning all kinds of weird shit happened here two of every kind yeah i got tax all of them. It's legal. The Lord and the state of Louisiana fish and wildlife said it was cool. Behold Noah's outboard engine.

Dude, if they find Noah's art and it's got a badass set of twin Evan roots on it. Hell yes. I think in this nation, Noah gets drunk before he leaves the boat. That's right now, man. Entering all of it.

drunk during construction of the boat. Yeah. It's cruising beer. They're like, woo, dad was drunk and you're like, listen, one an hour, one, they put 12 in a pack for a reason. Okay, that's one for every hour of the working day. The most boat

owner thing about Noah is that he only goes for one boat right. He only does it once that he's like, nope, that's it. That's all the boat I need. I don't ever want to look at this fucking thing ever again. I'm going to black out in a cave. Never think about that shit ever again.

You take Noah to Bass Pro Shops, and he goes, oh, you know, 72-month financing, that's where they get you. You're going to love it for about a month. About a month. Yep. Yep. Then your sons, your sons are just going to start laughing at you when you get drunken naked on it, just like a real boat owner. The real way to curse to curse Ham would have been to be like, well, you get the boat now. You're responsible for the boat.

I like this. Let's, let's, let's, I think we can find a way that this is, um, not, not canon. Yeah, sure. I like this. Let's go with this. The curse of ham was boat ownership. The curse of boat inheritance. So let's see, let's see.

The ham's lineage includes the Canaanites. I believe the Philistines. The Philistines did come by way of the Mediterranean. There you go. There you go. See, my wife's boyfriend, Steve. The Philistines. The N-W-O.

The U.N. The NWO, both the wrestling group and the New World Order itself. You think Scott Hall just died from pills, alcohol, in a lifetime of chemical abuse? He'll be back once Scott Hall resurrects. That happens 3.5 years after the rapture. Is this the show? Are we doing the show?

I guess we'll just say welcome at some point. And Jesus said, too sweet. You know who wants you in his wolf pack? You think you're an outsider You think you're the only outsider You're in a tag team It was then that I tagged in Gonna swaned and bomb you

What a Scott Hall's finisher Scott Hall's finisher It's a crucifix slam Yeah See the sign we're going to find that damn arc The signs are coming together There were only two sets of footprints Because Jesus was up on the turnbook

Because Jesus was not the legal man Because he was fully legal man and fully legal God You just got to say that or a Catholic A year 900 will kill you This is old WWF Kennan, the father, the son and George the animal steel with a folding chair You know, wow. You know what are you? Oh!

Welcome to the shutdown full cast. You are listening live to the internet's only college football podcast, sometimes with an extended intro about Babylonian artifact theft, hobby, lobby, and finding Noah's arc with a full rack of four badass Evan roots behind it. i am spencer hall today holly anderson is out i am still joined as always by jason kirk say hello jason hi hi hi hello how are you i'm good i'm good i just got through discussing how you can take one little kid from oklahoma and turn him into evangelical indiana jones through the power of selling craft material so i feel really really good also joining me me is Ryan Nanny. Ryan Nanny.

How is the Music City this morning? Hot. It's fine. Yeah. That's right. Nashville, it's fine. It's fine. We're not getting a World Cup game.

That's the one thing I could report. I don't know. But neither is the nation's capital. Yes. Yes. In a stunning and pleasing turn of events. I don't know if you saw this video, but in announcing the cities of the World Cup for 2026, FIFA skipped over Washington, D.C., who had a crowd waiting, okay?

If you don't, who had a crowd waiting on pins and needles for the final city. And when they dropped it, there's this bar full of people in D.C. and they look exactly like you think a bunch of people in D.C. would look. And they're all sitting there going, come on. Come on. Come on. on give it give dc one and they go so yes one more thing the city that never sleeps new york new york gets the game i really wish they had saved like that the list makes sense toronto and vancouver three in mexico mexico should have more than canada totally fair you know and they and miami two in texas too in california blah blah blah it all makes sense i wish they had saved for very last the city that never sleeps kansas city

Like, K.C. deserves it, too. They got a big field. And, like, they, you know, they're sporting K.C., their games, like, they got a lot of people at their games. Oh, they're doing an arrowhead. Shit. I guess, of course, they are. But still, I wish they had saved it for last. Sorry, D.C. You are not Kansas City. The cities that got one, of course, Atlanta got one because it's a better city than Washington, D.C. Miami got one because it's a better city than Washington, D.C., even though it's going to be underwater in 30 years. Dallas Same with Houston Yeah Houston Houston got one

Yeah Unlike my Houston is already under like sweat water Yeah It's under like swampy Bayew water at the moment

And Another city That by the way They said Dallas Dallas really didn't get A World Cup game Arlington got a World Cup game

Okay Here we go Here we go Suburban Suburban hair splitting Will be full of it Jerry world got it, right?

Because Jerry was like, what's the biggest sports dick in the world? That's right, the World Cup! I'm going to have to have it! In that case, the city that never sleeps is East Rutherford, New Jersey. Hey, hey, the World Cup just wanted a little bit of the excellence of the Giants, okay? Just a little bit of that

Bill Parcells. CRED, just soaking it up, baby. All of these places, even these places adjacent to cities. Boston got one! Boston! The one that the Onion has a headline that's like city uproariously plays like one thousandth day in a row of let's imagine we're in a big city. Yeah, that's who got one instead of DC. And what was DC's response in dimensions on the timeline? Well, we shouldn't

partner with Baltimore. Don't play Baltimore. Blame Baltimore for this? Why do you're the, you're the nation's capital and you couldn't get it done. on your own in the first place. That's right. That's right. Why did you need your eccentric brother, Baltimore, as part of the package? Don't blame Baltimore. Baltimore, unlike you, tells no lies about what it is.

What is it? It's a place where people spend winters drinking indoors. That's what Baltimore is. Good for you all. That's Boston, too, that wasn't it? They already got one of those. Yeah. Philadelphia is the place where people should be drinking indoors in the winter.

Yeah, it should be. Instead, they're outside at Eagles games, getting into fights with Teamsters. What a beautiful place. Anyway, just thrilled and pleased that that happened. Also joining us, as always, producer Michael Serber. From times, he'll just chime in, like the voice of cheer wine-scented God, just flying in from North Carolina. Now that sounds like a hobby-lobby. Can we go back a little bit to talk about the other cities? Like, it's really stark when you look at who Washington got lumped in with on the other cities that didn't get a World Cup match. Orlando, Cincinnati, Nashville, which we've already covered, Denver, which I think actually would have been a good pick. And Edmonton.

Like. Jesus. Fuck. Fuck Washington. How did you? Oh, man. How did you? I could tell you how did you. One, you constantly lie in bed with Dan Snyder. That's it. You have you have laying down with Dan Snyder and gotten up with fleas. That is what happened. Lay down with Dan Snyder because you tore your ACL on his terrible field. That's right. The world's greatest athletes, we do not need to see them rolling around on the same field as the, I've forget what their name is the commanders sorry also if you're a washington sports fan why are you

surprised that you turned on the tv and like some non-washingtonian was like no we don't choose you we don't like that's your whole experience but we have monuments so what so does kansas city it's true so is Dallas it's called what a burger surely an Andy Reed statue yeah so does Houston Houston has monuments again it's called waterburger places of national import that's correct Los Angeles has both Fat Burger and in and out okay both culturally more important than anything in Washington DC so really I mean I know I am a partisan in the anti-D.C. movement but like where they were going to have the games out in uh they were suggesting uh let's see baltimore's field is what they were going to use which is why they're blaming it but they couldn't even suggest it because

they play in a fictional town ral john maryland well and and and like rfk is still there like it's important to remember that the hulking rusting behemoth that was rfk is still there like no one has the um it's all like yes it's all like it's it's kind of like what was uh the silver dome was like the silver dome at least for years they were like i don't know we'll do bmx races in here or we'll fly drones around or some shit rfk is just like don't come in unless you want tetanus real bad so i clicked on a photo of rfk and i was like holy shit that looks abandoned and then i realized this is from 1988 eight so imagine what imagine what it looks like now But, like, Washington, you had, how long has it been since anybody's, since they've used RFC?

It's been, like, I want to say a decade. Maybe not quite, but it's like, you had time to figure this shit out. They've had, you shocked. They've had plenty of time. Listen, the city of Atlanta's built and demolished, like, two of our major arenas in the past 10 years. Get that shit out of here. We get our shit.

The Mets have a new stadium. If the, if the Mets can figure out how to go from Chase Stadium to a new stadium to a new. stadium how does the whole how can all of washington not figure it out the strayest of cats the the like mangyest of street dogs the new york metz found themselves a brand new dog house get it together get it together it looks like rfk hasn't been used in six years okay yeah like that's that's a lot of time i just need to get back at the gym that's i mean it's just i needed to take some time off my shoulders are sore my knees were rfk's last like fitness thing done was like uh tybo meanwhile like it still bears the man's goddamn name on what a legacy to leave to robert kennedy hey sorry sorry

you got assassinated here's a defunct stadium that will bear your name for uh question mark what do we remember you cheated on your wife a lot and you had a terrible stadium that, like, is so bad that the Washington football team's current stadium is an upgrade. Yes. Like, they, like, universally regarded worst NFL stadium. Reviled. Reviled. Yes.

The ACL, like, the stadium that feeds on ACLs and had a very public bleacher collapse last year, where a bunch of fans nearly fell into Jalen Hertz as he left the field. After a victory, by the way, against the Washington team. That is, yeah, a whole thing held together with zip ties. The most Washington thing about RFK is that I'm looking at this now. In 2019, the city announced that they were going to demolish the stadium. And they still haven't started that yet. Like they didn't hire anybody until they're expecting it to begin in 2022.

Like, just tear the shit down. Over my dead body. the ghost the ghost comes back there's no like well we're waiting to no they just want to tear it down and it takes years of red tape just to fucking knock the thing over it sounds like sounds like dc here in georgia where there are no laws we just blow shit up yes that's right that's right one guy comes in and says i will write 30% of the money and the rest will come from And then we do it. We just tear that shit down. Like, how have you not basically said, like, hey, Marvel, we'll give you a stadium to blow up? You just have to promise to blow it up. But even Marvel's like, yeah, RFK's janky.

We're not used to. That looks like shit. We'd have to put computers around it. Talk to DC. Say it's a throwback to the 70s. Like Dr. Doom's origin story said in 1972. He was a great player, but he tore his ACL at FedEx. and then he's like

ah i'm going to submit myself to solar radiation give it to dc even zach snyder is lay no this is too depressing too gritty too gritty and dark this is even my edge lord mafia will not approve of this unsightly this extremely stupid story we just made it's better than any dc storyline they've actually used any of them Hey guys, Batman just dislocated his ankle. We're fucked. That really would.

No, Batman probably has like robots in his pants that'll keep his leg moving. Like Darth Vader's suit or whatever. Yeah, this was magnificent. I'm very happy this happened because to hell with DC. By the way, one of the biggest markets for the forecast is DC. I hope y'all are enjoying this. The last thing, the funniest thing that, that, um, the organizing body did after this was they were like,

well, we understand DC's importance. We'll still have like a fan fest or something there. So it's like, you can have all the traffic and headache of a World Cup game, but no game. You get no game. You just get a giant screen and too many people taking up parking. You get a fan fest.

You get like free, you get like a pom-bomb and a headband with like a local hospital's brand on it and like a water bottle. Wait, wait, wait. And free Wizards tickets. Or you can take Amtrak to New Jersey. Decide, fuckers. The weather will be 98 degrees with 60% humidity and no breeze. D.C.

No hills or trees to cut off the, you know, to like to sort of funnel the breeze or to hide from the sun or. No, just a big old prairie on a swamp. I assume that they looked at D.C. and we're like, yeah, we can't send a bunch of Europeans to a town where, like, at 8.30, the restaurants start to close. That's not going to work. I got to get up for a spin class in the morning. Then I got to go to my job at a think tank. Don't, don't, go. Time to eliminate public schools.

Go Nets! Go Nets! Go commanders. Go commanders. They name their fucking football team after cops, man. It's town that serves nothing. Well, that's, and the basketball team used to be named after guns. What happened?

What happened to America? What happened to you? We have to go back. I liked it better when you blatantly embraced the bullets. Where is, yeah, where is, can we distract, like, the gun lobby by being like, hey, you need to push the NBA to change the name back to bullets. Yeah, I think that's... Make that the shining object.

Yes, yes. Yes. Don't worry about gun control. The most important thing is to get the Washington bullets back. I don't know. Our guns for toddlers program seems pretty important. No, no, no, no, no. You guys got to get the bullets.

Come on, the bullets. That's when they were great. They were not great. They had no point if they've been great. But they had a cool logo. no it was stupid it was it was ls the ls reaching for a ball it was stupid yeah i also enjoy the washington sports writing complex which has been somewhat diminished but produced a number of people who helped to find the cannon i have always always laughed at their washington dc is a great sports town

thing because i'm like after wash after their football team went in the toilet that argument like the caps yes the caps that's it the team everybody pays attention to for two weeks that's the only holding the standard and i think the nat's one of world series this is terps basketball erasure yeah oh sorry yeah you always have to remember dc counts as many towns as it wants to or doesn't or doesn't want to yes it's it's either like a square acre or it's like 87 towns in 15 states it's like it's the ant man of cities now big now little yeah now i'm uncontrollably large now I'm sleepy for 20 years also I'm a criminal yeah but I'm the law but a criminal I'm a good dad not really I'm going to jail I'm back I'm Washington also I can't leave the house

because I didn't make the postseason I'm not in that one time to go play kickball the commander's in the quantum zone during playoffs every year that's where you'll find us we're yeah we got we got a tough one against the tardigrades and whatnot hey listen tartagrade would be an amazing defensive line a tardigrade will fuck you up man actually I don't know if a tardigrade has any attacks but its defense is incredible it's like some of those Pokemon that they don't do anything they just sit there

but you can't get them out the way that's a tardigrade It's just going to be what the Baltimore Ravens want to be. Tardigrade's weaknesses are like, no. No, no, throws in space. Again, this is what the Ravens want to be. Targary's basically Ray Lewis, right? Like, Ray Lewis in orbit, just silently giving it motivational speeches to pieces of passing, like, space trash.

You could do this! Ray Lewis doesn't need to breathe, survives on motivation. It's true. It's so true. It is. the other thing I wanted to discuss was this and it will eventually get us to what I want to talk about today here in the middle of June so of course we're covering all the extremely important news and it is Texas A&M related which again should not surprise because what's more important than Texas A&M University the kings of this particular offseason and that really what's alabama done or like the biggest news from an elephant is that there was an elephant in india that after trampling a woman uh to death by the way decided to travel over a hundred miles and then uh take her body off the pyre and trample her corpse at her funeral um claim another national title alabama roll tide um elephant had help i refuse to believe that the elephant didn't have help by a human who didn't also hate this woman.

Yeah. Which, yeah, I stand with the elephant. Whatever this woman did. She deserved it. Elephants have long memories. They're very smart. I'm sure she did. Maybe she just talks shit.

That is entirely possible. Alabama did pick it as its mascot for a reason, right? Like, oh, I heard she's talking. Let's see if she's talking now. Accused the elephant of not breaking rules. is I think how the Alabama beef has worked those far

well actually she's talking shit she's saying that I was following rules I'll see about this this is by the way the most sketchily sourced story I just choose to believe it's real

I'm sure this woman was trampled by an elephant the revenge story I just want to believe because it is the most Alabama thing to just be there you know, 3 a.m., wake up and be like, no, I'm still mad. I'm still mad. What am I going to do about it? I guess it's time to run 100 miles and go kick this woman's ass again. She's dead. How dead is she?

I wanted to be super dead. Is there like a haters upworthy out there where, you know, where Upworthy would be like, this dog, this dog traveled 500 miles to find its owner. Downworthy.com. Yeah. Yeah. Where it's like, oh, this hater ass cat tore up your house twice. found its own dog track down its owner just to say fuck you and go back uh i think that's called twitter twitter dot com yeah yeah yeah it's really what's that that's called this is now a rival for the best animal revenge story uh the best animal revenge story is of course the legendary vladimir markoff who uh is by the way this is not ancient history usually these these things involving tigers and lions are like, in 1873, the legendary British hunter,

Markell Sims, went to India and did find himself the man Eta Raja, right? Like, that's usually when these are. Vladimir Markov, this story happened in the winter of 1997. Markov shot at a tiger and wounded it, but did not kill it and then stole part of the tiger's kill. And then the injured tiger, tracked Markov back to his cabin,

destroyed anything that had Markov sent on it, and waited by the front door for Markov to come home. The animal was there for at least 12 hours and possibly 48, waiting for him. And then Markov appeared, the tiger killed him, pulled him into the bushes, and ate him. And according to the guy who reported this out, all right? is John Valiant, who wrote an entire book on it.

Valiant said, the eating may have been secondary. I think he just killed him because he had a bone to pick. Several. Just like, the tiger kills him and is like, no, I'm still mad. This killing wasn't enough. I got to eat him. I'm so mad, I got to shit you out.

I'm so mad. I got to let you sit in my gut for a minute. Think about what you did. Yeah, this was, this story, I rated quasi-fictional, but like I'm going to go ahead and say real enough to believe. That is not the story. Yeah, I'm not going to, this is not the story that gets us where I want to go. This is the story.

Reported by the Wall Street Journal, Texas A&M's unreported foreign funding. The subheader is a whopper on this one. the school says a hundred million from russia and cutter is exempt from reporting requirements uh yeah texas an m uh has received more than seven hundred million dollars from foreign countries most of it from cutter and china all right uh and the education department closed its investigation at 2021 they are in compliance with federal requirements uh but analysis of publicly available documents and data reveals A&M continues not to report more than $100 million in research funds originating in Russia and Qatar.

I would first like to say that this is the kind of thing that the Texas A&M Politics Board, if they read it about Texas, there would be 48 pages immediately of extremely incisive reporting on how Texas was a puppet for authoritarian regimes trying to undermine the Aggies. with foreign despot money. What research does Russia need to do that requires Texas A&M's help? Russia has numerous universities. It appears that most of this money goes to something called the Texas A&M Engineering Experiment Station. Oh, that sounds scary.

Cyber security, nuclear non-proliferation, nuclear non-proliferation. and artificial intelligence. Non-proliferation, the thing Russia loves. Cybersecurity, too. Yeah, Russia is saying, like, so what's you got? So we can fuck with it. God, this is all like, hey, man, let's just make Metal Gear real. Texas A&M, you want to make Metal Gear real?

It's like, can we have a nuclear dog? Yeah, man, that kind of fits. That's kind of a line. Can it be a colleague? Can you make us a nuclear? Kali. Metal Gear Reve. Rick Perry puts down bejeweled for a second.

And it's like, nuclear collie! That makes me want to dance. Tapity tapity tap. Second of all, can anybody explain how to play this game? Yeah. Russia just comes to A&M. They're like, we are very behind in jerky economy. Help us develop jerky economy.

We would like this. Actually, it might be Russia. I saw some videos of like Midnight Yell cult behavior and they're like, oh, we spent a hundred years trying to make people do this. Look, all together at once, no guns? Very intriguing. Yeah, you just need a good football team. They'll do all that shit for you. Actually, you don't even need a mediocre football team. You need an eight and five football team. Um, um, this, this article also helped me either realize or remember because I don't know if I do this. There's a Texas A&M.

Cutter? Campus? Okay. See, you see the signs? You and Steve, my wife's boyfriend. All right. Noah? Cutter. All right. Noah. Ryan Tadahill. Yep. Lionel Messi.

Barcelona. Dan Snyder. Dan Snyder and my wife's boyfriend, Steve. Again, he's busy. I think you just revealed it's two guys named Steve. She's dating twins It's a double conspiracy Twins by the name Steve

God dang it These are my children Steve and Steve too Yeah I saw this and I immediately thought They funneled some of this to Jimbo right They had to I know that oils do it real well right now But some of this went to Jimbo

They got a little bit of that Are the darn gas prices is A&M to blame for this Like, they've spent so much oil money on Jimbo that they've fucked up the economy. Let's just say yes. Damn it, A&M. Yeah. You know, but you know what they would say? They'd be like, hey, listen.

The gas prices will stay high until the SEC formally reprimands Alabama. Only then we'll be relent. That's what's really causing inflation. Damn it. Saban, you got a budge. It's that damn, Nick Sabin. Hey, Greg Sanky. They just call Greg Sankey.

They're like six. dollar gas hang up. Seven dollar gas hang up. Nick, please. I apologize. Well, I didn't say anything. That was Nick, God damn it, you got it. They're going to kill us, Nate. I knew it. I knew it. Yeah, this was, this is by the way, my favorite argument that people do when they talk about A&M. Oil is just helping them like spend crazy money on football. Go eight and five. Yeah, but man, as long as oil stays high, they're going to go eight and five. Just pouring this, pouring different amounts of money in for the same results. You're rid and you're out.

Yeah, but if you jack up gas prices, you start cutting into the recruiting budgets of every other competitor around you. And inevitably, like maybe that's, that's the long-term recruiting plan. It's not paying, it's not paying, you know, high schoolers. It's just making it so George was like, well, shit. We need another $800,000 to cover all our recruiting travel. Fuck. No other school can leave their county. So A&M has, like with their monopoly on energy,

they are the only ones able to have face-to-face recruiting with any recruit anywhere in the country. That's right. Yet another thing that has absolutely infuriated LSU fans about A&M joining is all of their touting that, like, yeah, we help keep the nation warm. And they're like, buddy, we didn't put pipes through 80% of Louisiana's territory and run natural gas lines through preschools for nothing. We didn't. Damn it. That natural gas that I extract from my grandmother's

basement, right? My cousin Lebo, who has a tumor for a head, that comes at a cost. LSU makes that all happen. And now here comes Oklahoma with fracking the earth's core. They're going to take credit for They're just down there. They're like, listen, we don't rub elbows with Satan in hell. Fracking 900 miles beneath the earth's crust for four centa liters of natural gas. We're not stealing hell's farts for you to ignore. The fucking land thieves ran out of land on the crust to steal. Mental, mental thieves.

We're going for the whole fucking enchilada. The whole damn SEC West. just one big argument about who is boiling the earth faster. Except for Arkansas. Arkansas is just like, thank you. We don't know what I... Arkansas is powered by sawmills.

Sawmills and Walmart's run by water mills. Arkansas's the propane accessories part of the equation. It's just chicken. That's it. It's just chicken. Do you guys, not even good chicken?

They're like, listen, do you want the price of wings to stay only moderately astronomical support Arkansas football? Do you know how many fucking chickens we kill every day strangling each one personally for that touch? How do you warm your house in the winter? We burn 100 chickens. That's what we do. My daddy was a chicken and I killed him to get in the winter. My daddy was a chicken burner like his daddy before him. And this is why Arkansas plays South Carolina.

That's right. The natural rivalry between Arkansas man and South Carolina chicken. I just see feathers and I get my gun. By the way, I just posited slaughtering a chicken with a 45. That's definitely how they do it. I know things. Very smart. Yeah, you.

Blam. Chicken nugget. That's how they make them. I think it looks like Minecraft. Tuft of feathers and one piece of meat. Just one small piece of meat. Just a cartoon cutlet, like a pixel of a cutlet. Yeah.

Falling down. Just that in Walmart. If you think about it, Arkansas is the one that's actually funded by the most Chinese money because Walmart. That's it. Without cheap plastic shit, right? Coming over a discount. They couldn't even afford Sam Pittman. They couldn't afford Leon Pittman.

Even Walmart's just their American presence alone. it is kind of wild that A&M's like funded by fucking Putin or whatever and it's still like I don't know Arkansas might be worse that's Walmart money hey listen Walmart Walmart and tornadoes both of them can just level a small town in a middle of hours Walmart and Jerry Jones yeah versus Vladimir Putin come on down come on down Saturday I just listen I invited that economic F5 into my hometown because I like cheap camp chairs that's what I like I like cheap camp chairs that's what I like I like cheap camp chairs and canned goods for 39 cents less. That's why this is why Auburn's falling off the map. Y'all got to step up. Y'all got to figure out, be like, hey, Unabomber got any cash? He want to be a booster? Yeah. Yeah, Auburn used to have some of the sketchiest boosters, like famously, right? We had Bobby Louder, who, you know, attempted to hire somebody while they still had a coach behind everyone's back, just like, yeah, I'm going to make it happen. That's right. I'm saying it, Auburn's boosters have gone soft.

That's why the program is not where it needs to be right now. We need more dog tracks. We need more arsenic lace wood, right? Because you've got one guy who does that. But we need more pressure-treated arsenic-laced wood, is what I'm saying, okay? I really would like them to just go all in

on Scientology. Like, I mean, what? Tom Cruise is the biggest movie star of all time. Clearly people don't mind. Just go all in on it. That's a lot of money. Why not? you're up against you're up against Putin what is what is the

moral high ground here I mean you're already all in on Apple and that's the we were saying this by the way and somebody in Auburn's going hey we got Tim Cook we got Tim Cook

he ain't doing shit he's going to write listen he's going to write a check okay that's what we need to keep coming we need Apple to invent why don't you invent iPhone 2 why don't you invent a bigger iPhone Why don't you do something else to support

Alvard? Why don't you better and Vina? Orange iPhone. Can you make a sandwich board that's just a touchscreen on both sides of my body that I can wear around? And it would say,

come play for whoever our coach is at the time that you're seeing the sandwich board. Tim Cook, why can I search for Crimson Tide Gifts on this phone? This app's biased against Auburn. I need you to go ahead and just make that happen.

My child saw Alabama Crimson Tide. Paraphernalia. This should not be in schools. Why the hell isn't there an option to make Siri Terry Bowden? Siri Bowden. You weren't about AI. I need you to pay tribute to Pat Die. That's what I need you to do.

A little less AI, a little more A.U. A.U. That's a symbol for golden. I need you to remember that. A-U equals gold Steve, my wife's boyfriend, the UN, New World Order, Bobby Louder,

and Nick Saban. I need you to see the numbers and the patterns and the math here. Cam Newton, Sir Isaac Newton. Mm-hmm. Gravity, always pulling down. Always pulling down.

Always pulling down like the damn Bear Bryant Jr. Mm-hmm. Also, what's gravity? It's the ultimate ground game. That's what Auburn needs to get back to. That's what Auburn. that's what we're saying we need to work like gravity and get to the ground game that's what god's

telling us work like gravity this is this is your regular reminder that bo nix transferred probably won't start it or it's just please god get me away from these people the most auburn kid of all time it's like i cannot oh god this is too stressful that is not the that is not the name of the university a woman on my degree Bo Nix was like, this is not a stable environment. Bo Nix said that. This place is too weird for me, Bo Nix. I never know what one day he's going to, Bo Nix said that.

He's out in Oregon trying to push Milo's sweet tea, and they're like, have you seen the glycemic index on that? No way. You should drink kombucha. And he's like, where am I? I have been thrown from one skillet into another fire. everywhere the heat poils me that is poor bo necks he's just you know what though eugene's a better i'm just what eugene's a way better place to spend four years than than

oberd well he's not going to spend four years there he'll find away he'll find a way that's true what what makes you oh you're right you're right does he have to prepare for the draft ryan i think bo necks will get a doctorate from the university of oregon i think he should take as long there as possible that's it But by the way, that may sound like I'm damning him. I'm going to go ahead and take a flyer on the Kenny Pickett option for Bo Nix, like the year five Heisman. I'll go ahead. That's a cheap flyer.

I'll take it. You hang out five years, eventually learn to play quarterback real good. Everyone's like, man, you're awesome. Get your rookie bonus and then bounce from the league in three years. Get into real estate. It would be. Bonix's current odds are plus 6,000, so that's pretty good. Plus 6,000.

Hey, that's muddy right there. It would be the cruelest fate of all for Bonix to leave Auburn and then just blow up as a quarterback. It's like, are you fucking kidding me? It like, it turns out like all we had to do is just tell them like what normal things are. You know, they just, Auburn never taught him how to snap, you know. Oh, Oregon just told me they love me. That's all it took. That's all I needed to hear.

Yeah, Oregon's just like, hey, here's a multivitamin. he's like wharrains like steak fingers steak fingers will give you all all the vitamins you need potato tots yeah potato tots and

pork chops hey hey hey these are the veggie chicken nuggets all right we go they pay extra for those they have a small about of corn ground into them that counts that counts toward

when you get the veggie plate you get those and that's one of of them. Bo Nix eats kale for the first time. He grows a foot. Why is the Auburn food pyramid the shape of an eight? This doesn't make sense. The pyramid is just, the pyramid is leveled. Yeah. It fell over. This is the Auburn food rectangle. Auburn food ruins. I just imagine like, like, like, That is, when you talk about Cam Newton, you ever think about, like, what a horrible swath nutritionally he carved through college?

First of all, Gainesville, where, like, the food pyramid is a circle because it's pizza. It's just like Gumpies or five star at the time, right? Health food in Gainesville is, I'll have a Caesar salad with my pizza. Yeah, a Caesar salad with giant fried croutons, not even bait, just fried croutons. Extra dressing, please. Yeah. What would you like? I would really enjoy fries, a big pile of fries and a pitcher of Miller Light. That would be really good. And then we go to Blin, Texas, where I know he just got the full Hank Hill diet. Like just nothing but the full Hank Hill diet for nine months, at least. And then he goes to Auburn, right? Where it's bad. It's real bad. By that, I mean, it's good, but it's not good for your arteries. It's very bad. worked well then he spent a decade in north carolina and that just straightened it right now look look when i think health i think charlotte north carolina the home of rick flare

i think the common thread connecting all these places as these are places where you're like oh i've been going too hard time to have panera for lunch gotta settle down with a nice salad and a loaf of bread I'm gonna have some cheddar I'm gonna have some cheddar soup to really balance things out maybe a cookie the size of a hubcap it's it's soup so it's good for me you see it doesn't matter that it's got baked potato and bacon in it

and ranch dressing on the top just float a little this four pound muffin has berries in it and it's a muffin so that means it's good for me too It's a treasure hunt. I have to hunt through the muffin. I am honoring my ancestors with a hunt. That's what I am doing. I also, all of those places are a lesson to anyone who thinks that they can look like an athlete.

That's not true. Genetically, athletes eat like shit. They eat absolute garbage, most of them. When they don't, it's noteworthy enough that journalists write a story about them. What was it, D.K. Metcalfe eats Starburst or whatever? He just had streep of Lamar Odom actually looked like an NBA athlete, and it turns out he was seconds from death from diabetes because he was eating nothing but buckets of candy. Well, and even the ones who like eat right or whatever, half the time it's just like, Sam Howell's just like, yeah, I'm terrified of beef. I'll never, I won't touch it.

Yeah, it's like you got like Dwight Howard looks like Superman and eats like a 12-year-old. you got that and then you also have like you know like I mean to some degree athletes all athletes are bodybuilders in one way or the other and like did you just you eat it and you're going to shit it out eight seconds later what's it matter there's no time he was pre diabetic Dwight Howard the doctor said yeah you have to stop eating everything you eat not like one thing not like shape up a little bit they came to Dwight Howard who looked like Zeus at the time right like cartoon Zeus and they're like Yeah, man, you're pre-diabetic. You're going to die. You should stop. Betrayed by fruit by the foot. I can buy it in increments. I thought that's how I control portion size.

What a lie. I'm not eating fruit by the mile. Does the math? Actually, I may be eating fruit by the mile. He probably has. This gives me an excuse to read another one of my favorite quotes. That is from Tristan Thompson, who played with LeBron James on the cast. When asked about LeBron's diet, Thompson went extremely off script, broke Omerta and said,

He has the worst fucking diet ever. Ask him what he eats for breakfast. He has like five French toast Drowns it in syrup with strawberries and bananas. Then he has like a four-egg omelet and he goes and just fucking ducks on somebody. It doesn't make sense. He eats desserts with every meal. He'll come with his one-week diet vegan crap, but he literally eats it. It doesn't make sense. He's really a specimen. He eats like shit. I remember one year I tried to eat like he ate and it didn't work out. I gained weight and said, I gained weight and said, fuck this. I mean, it works for him. He loves sweets.

He loves sweets. Says it twice in a row. He eats desserts and french toast. It's crazy how his body just burns it. That's the broad jeans. And then, you know, who is his all-time comparison? Jordan who like nothing but you know cigars and whiskey is keeping him alive and blackjack carts after eating like that col for said james did this so we do this challenge

and i've never thrown up from doing cardio and i tell the guy on the side of the court bring the stretcher because i feel like i'm going to throw up lebron walked off the versa climber onto the court looks at the far basket full sprint jumps from outside the charge circle and windmill dunks it and I'm keeled over trying to breathe doing something like that's what I do and he windmill dunks it this guy is from a different world

so when you're like oh I'm just going to clean up the diet a little bit yeah that's how good you're going to look normal like almost normal you're not an athlete you're not LeBron James so what I wanted to get to

So one note from Serper is that we should do podcast business. Oh, yeah, we should. Here we go. You ready? Podcast business. It's a business. Podcast business. What's that business?

Podcast business. Texas A&M is the perfect nutritional food. Ice cream is the food. It's got lots of vitamins and nutrition. You should eat it all the time. And windmill talk on all your friends. And here we go. See, that was better.

That's better. I took that personally last week. We're going to get it to scan and everything. Every goddamn week. It's got ice in its name. Ice is water. You need lots of hydration. Mm-hmm.

Lots of hydration. Lots of occasionally you can tailor it. If you need to get a real workout in with protein, right? You can get the walnut, black walnut ice cream. Get some nuts or butter, butter. Butter. That's what our answer. You can honor our ancestors by eating butter.

This is bulletproof ice cream pretty much that I'm eating right here. Just carnivore MD putting testicles and ice cream. This is delicious. I put blueberry syrup all over it. Lots of antioxidants. I don't use tooth-based. I don't use deodorant. I just cover my body and ice cream every day.

Yeah. I smell great. Isn't that right, honey? Yes. I felt like butter scouts. Flies. podcast business do the podcast business podcast business this podcast business this podcast this podcast sponsored by dryers dryers ice cream the only

the only ice cream with real bits of dried liver in it honor the ancestors on a simulated hunt for flavor sponsored by as always this podcast is sponsored by VB, A.K. Victoria's Bitters, the official beer of the sweaty Australian man. Nothing looks bad. I'm not thinking of like weightlifter oriented ice cream. Eadie's Max. Ben and Harry's. All right, you got to eat a quart of this before you lift it a quart after.

You're going to feel terrible and you're going to throw up a lot, but. Time to down your cup of blue hell. Man, you're going to get, like, Jenny's selling pre-workout. You get briars just on that, like, yeah, dry scoop this shit. Yeah, it's Neapolitan, but the vanilla's turkey, so. Yeah, we wet scoop the shit onto a cone. It's delicious. I've seen it with my hands

I always I always I always go first on these things so sorry yeah right Ryan we'll go in reverse order Ryan I don't have anything yeah you do I eaties max coming to stores yeah thank you thank you edie's max suppository addition gets it to your muscles faster mm-hmm also provides a cooling sensation to the butthole top top flavors boiled egg number one seller first it's a big one chicken tornado anything that sounds good you got to immediately fuck it up like peanut butter and burger yeah that's right yeah and uh number three uh lumberjack breakfast that's that's our that's our big one yeah smoked salmon parfe jason what you got on podcast business um let's see we

talked a little bit about biblical archaeologist ron wyatt uh and vacation bible school has an episode touching on this guy i think it's our red sea episode um every episode of this thing we find different uh rabbit holes and stuff like that so yeah if you'd like to learn more about the things we talked about during the hunt for the noah's arc um cold open an hour and a half ago or whatever yeah vbs red sea episode excellent i encourage as a subscriber to vbs myself i encourage you because uh Again, I know nothing about religion, and it has been an education in and of itself. Also, I will one day be on there. I'm scheduled to do my favorite book of the Bible, which is Ecclesiastes.

It's also the only book I've read, so I'm one for one. I figured I'd stop there. That's a great, yeah. That's a better rate than almost anyone else will have. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I was raised Catholic, so we had people read the Bible for us. It's very economical. And just like fortune cookie chunks, pretty much.

Pretty much, yeah. There's a lot of, listen, we skip the chaff. There's a lot of, we boil this down for streaming. Yeah. Can this fit on a bazooka bubble gum comic? That's how much Bible you get. Yeah, it is. Every now and then somebody would quote something to me and I'm like, that's crazy. And they're like, it's from the Bible. I'm like, what? For real? That's amazing. So yeah, subscribe to VBS, a delightful community, a delightful podcast. For a podcast business on my own, as usual, this will be a little too long because I'm running my ass off right now. but we have DNF, the F1 podcast that we do after every F1 race on Sundays, available on Levitard and Friends, Metal Arc Media's feed. Find it wherever you get your podcast.

That is with the brilliant Jessica Smatana. This past weekend, just to give you an example of the incisive Formula One commentary we specialize in, we answer the question, which team principal has pierced nipples? And I think we came up with a satisfactory answer. Also, y'all, I want you to know, Lewis Hamilton said he has two piercings. F1 has an anti-piercing protocol now that is rankling the drivers. He has one in his nose, which he has taken out. And he has one that he says is in an unmentionable place that he will also not take out.

I've done the math. I did some research. There are no nipple rings on Lewis Hamilton. There is no belly button ring on Lewis Hamilton. The real estate has been narrowed down significantly. I think Lewis Hamilton has a Prince Albert. I think he's got, I think he has a pierced penis. Okay.

Could be, could be an armpit piercing. Nobody would talk about that if they had one. Yeah, boy, I think I'd talk about a constant. I am chafed all the goddamn time. I mean, it just seems as bad an idea as piercing something within your underwear. Yeah. Not to judge. It just sounds like a bad idea to me.

It sounds like a bad idea to me. Maybe it works for him, obviously. He's really, he could. do anything he wants at this point in life and he chose to pierce something unmentionable. So congratulations to him for joining the Dana Holgersen club of guys who can turn it into a gavel on a table at a bar. Clank, clank, clank, clank, I call everyone to order. I saw a guy do that in a bar once in college, by the way. It goes, hey, hold on! Clank, clank, clank, clank, and you're like, thank you. That just, I never have to see that again. That's off my list. It's in my brain

forever now. Additionally, you can subscribe to Holly Anderson and I's newsletter, Channel 6. I saw something that enraged me yesterday on the internet in terms of somebody saying that bull names were bad. This is one of those lists that I imagine people just published because they go, oh, you know, people will hate it. I should put it up. And that will equal money. Ting, it will equal money because we're going to put it in subscription defending some of the greatest bowl game names because it's June. That's what we're writing about. Additionally, there's going to be a Love Island newsletter later this week because Love Island

is back our most important cultural product and by R I mean Great Britain my home nation anyway subscribe to channel 6 $10 a month to things a week finally you can catch me on ESPN right now at Debatable I usually do Mondays with Pablo Torre

and Dominique Foxworth I did get Pablo Torre to watch Master and Commander this is he had not seen I haven't seen it I haven't seen it I haven't seen it I'm going to get you to watch. I know I should. It's not a principled stand. I just haven't seen it.

Well, I don't know if the arbiter of the annual Father's Day, what was your most dad moment, Twitter event, is really showing up for his community without seeing the most dad movie. Okay, I'll do it. I'll get it done. Okay. Yeah, get it done. It's a matter of integrity.

Yeah. Dominique Foxworth was out because the first word. sort of of the title really sort of threw him off ever watching the movie which i understand we're going to have to rebrand it for him as just commander or ocean movie but either way far side of the world far there we go far side of the world by the way this movie was ridiculously expensive and did not make all of its money back at the box office yeah the like the the clamoring on like dad internet every day for like we need a sequel it's like they cannot afford one sorry you did the dad move and you waited until it was free to watch i was

I was going to say, Dad's want a sequel to watch on TNT, right? Yeah. Can we get a sequel that's just like, they can't afford Russell Crow or anyone else in the movie, so they just get like Kevin Sorbo. Just Kevin Sorboe reading his lines.

Kevin Sorbo is occupied these days. Yeah, if it's Kevin Sorbo, it's going to be like, he's going to find a way to make it real racist. It's like, no, or literally edge of the world. Like, it's flat. We got to sail for the edge of it. the flat side of the world

yeah we'll get we'll get knock off knock off russell crow to appear in the t-n t-t budget version of this where they don't actually we'll get stephen adams we'll get stephen adams to do it all you need to know about the original master of commander is that they went to the galapagos no film has ever used the galapagos as a real location because it's the fucking galapagos

and it's thousands of miles from anything and like yeah it's like it's there's nothing there's nothing there there's water and you can see some islands you can film that on so many places you do not need to go all the way there with a real with a real ship you didn't need to take a real ship to the galapagos and peter weir's like oh contraire you didn't need to literally reenact the battle we cloned napoleon how much did that cost he doesn't even appear in the movie it was the principle of the thing it's method the actors wanted to know, know that he was alive. Russell Crow needed it.

Where's my motivation? We actually have Napoleon. He's right here. That concludes a podcast business on my end. Podcast business is concluded. I wanted to ask an important question. Right now, remember the thing that we all love about sports are managers and leagues. That's what we love.

we just love managers and leagues that's why I play football manager that is that's why we play football manager love conferences love conference officials we love NCAA officials and governance like yeah shouts out to the OG Mark Emmert retiring you know

are you there is an interesting bit of news that came out when was this this is like five days ago about what the NCAA did you know there's something called the NCAA Transformation Committee that sounds like bullshit which sounds like we're going to make The animorphs community.

Yes, yes. This committee is in relevant part trying to recommend transfer portal windows to basically say. Right now the transfer portal is just like you have a deadline every year through which you have to say you're in the portal. But that's it. You can sort of like there's no beginning time. Schools can sort of like once you're in the portal, schools can contact you whenever. and it's sort of like just entirely open-ended and the NCAA because their answer to everything is like well if we just make a rule everyone will follow it is to sort of say like what if we just say the

transfer portal is only open these times as if that will just lead to people like oh well i won't talk i won't talk to him then i it's not transfer portal season i definitely won't dm him on instagram that'd be inappropriate i wouldn't want to i wouldn't want to break rules a and m glowers this is so yeah i think this is going to work I think it's going to solve all the problems, and I'd like to congratulate the NCAA on constantly having its finger on the pulse. Great, great work again, great work. Always on top of the big issues, always ahead of the curve, right? You know, this spreads some more than college football.

What do we love if you're an international soccer fan, love FIFA, just live for FIFA. I love sports bureaucrats. Like, they just did it again, gave a World Cup to Qatar. What a move. They hate PC just like you do. Right, right. on the same team okay what do you love in the NFL owners

when they hand over that trophy to an owner at the Super Bowl that's what sports is about when Dan Snyder declines to participate in a congressional hearing oh that's the good shit that's right that's my guy that's my guy he's like me

yeah actually I mean like that is like if it were abstracted from Dan Snyder that's totally cool she'd be like yeah man screw Congress I'm like that's right They're like, who said it? Dan Snyder. I'd rather go to jail.

You sure about that? I will testify. I choose to believe in a rare moment of self-awareness. Dan Snyder was like, oh, I'll fuck that up. I'll fuck that up so bad. No, absolutely not. So I have to go and tell an accurate retelling of everything I actually do. Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no. Nobody needs that on the record. Goodness. He just, he just get there in panic and be like, eh, and then the blood replacement, I'm sorry, what? You're doing one? Yeah. So, uh, yeah. This is about workplace harassment.

Yes, but the blood replacement is a separate issue that is nothing to do with this hearing. You should ask me about it. Our ACL harvesting is going according to plan. There is nothing to worry about. Our child, our child army is run by only the, what? What did you say? Yeah. invading Virginia Beach

I tore my knee playing racquetball so I rigged the turf to destroy Robert Griffith's knee so that I could just you know take his two good ligaments When all knees are hurt I will be healthy I will be as healthy as the rest of the land of the no-sing old man

Yeah The one may see old man is quarterback That's correct I did that so I could beat everyone at golf What's your score? I'm currently a 72 handicap. I take 72 strokes off with my artificial harvested ACLs. I'm still 72 strokes worse than everyone else.

That's called capitalism. And yet somehow this is not the team paying Kirk Cousins. What a baffling world. Even they were like, no, no. Bad choice. If you walk in there and Kirk Cousins, is it your thing? Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

I mean, do you think everyone in Minnesota is just too nice to be like, could you leave? They're just making little passive aggressive hints like, oh, have you seen, have you, have you seen San Francisco? Getting close to bedtime, guess we should wrap this part? Oh, and Kirk goes, it's like, I brought a pillow. Yeah, woof, so tired. Anybody like coffee? This party's just getting started. You haven't had a single drink. Sharrades!

Yeah. so you're talking about how owners are the best and we love them they are the best in officials and sports bureaucrats everyone absolutely loves sports bureaucrats like formula one love it love it when you know for like 70 years in that sport they were like the drivers were like I think it would be good if we were not on fire all the time and FIA was like eh would it would it like maybe you should have one doctor at the track and they're like yeah doctors they're just expensive nobody what What do doctors know of fire? What do doctors know about fire? That's not a class in medical school. That's like asking a firefighter to do surgery on your. Will we get firefighters? Some, not enough.

Yeah. I mean, really, when you think about it, the hard is the original internal combustion engine, and there's plenty of mechanics on site already. I think we've got this covered, thank you. I just need volunteers in fireproof suits to stand by. with one tiny fire extinguisher while people bird to death on live TV. That's entertainment, Formula One.

This all is a way of saying this. The PGA, as an institution, it's really existed in its current form for like 45, 50 years. It's not, the PGA is in itself not the strongest central organizer. I don't think anyone should have a lot of pity for anything. they do because remember for a while they were operating as a non-profit for a long time the pj was operating as a non-profit which is sometimes something that sports do but they might be in serious trouble because foreign money specifically from Saudi Arabia has blown the tour up overnight which i don't know why people are surprised at because the question when you go well why would

they leave for money given by a government that has, yes, killed political critics and opponents without any sort of process at all, just did it. Yeah, why would they leave? And you go, well, one, they're paying people $100 million. Two, golfers don't care. They just absolutely do not care. And three, the part that I find actually funny is when they go, well, what about loyalty to the PGA? Would you die for this office park?

Look at this office park. You worked here for 40 years at this office park. You owe it loyalty because it's a tradition. Like saying the PGA has tradition. This Staples is a family. God damn it. Roswell, George, has done a lot for you. You know, would you live in, die for Tampa.

Someone would say yes. Roswell, George, that's the shit you say is when I moves to Ackworth. Look at, you made, look at Roswell's face. You made Roswell crap. Don't you feel like a shithead for moving to Dallas, Georgia? The human spirit shines a little less brightly inside this target today because of what you did

by moving to Ackworth. Yeah, when people say, like, what do you, what, how are you going to do, how could you do that to the sport of golf? Like golf's a character, bearded and wise, sitting at the table like, oh, par. Yeah, no, no one's, no one's going to do that. Golf showed up drunk on whiskey. Golf does not give a shit about any of this. Not one bit, not a damn bit, especially when dudes are being paid like Phil Mickelson was paid, not seven figures. not eight figures

but nine figures to leave nine nine which yes there are valid arguments about how all of this is blood money about how all of this is coming from people

who are attempting to sports wash the regime of the House of Sod via the magic of sports something that has happened in a number of Gulf states already see the World Cup but I was thinking of course about the most important angle on all of this, which is, how easy would it be to unravel college football? What sum is that? What does it take? Because I bet a football program

would do it for way less than one singular Phil Nicholson did it. I think at one point we had worked out that it was canon that the Saudis had purchased the University of Texas and that we were shipping the Longhorns over there. They would simply need other teams to play against. So I guess they could. They could take the SEC. How much would it cost to buy the SEC? I mean, it's mainly a question of TV rights, right? Like the current SEC TV contract in terms of rights, let's see, the term is, as of 2024, will be $3 billion. Okay.

So that's for one year. The SEC made $3 billion a year, which is be buying in a year, but just be buying NFL franchises. Not Washington's. No, they'd be like, hmm, fast. But it's profitable. Some things are worth more than profit.

We have to burn down the stadium. So the tricky thing is that the way this has worked out in golf, it has not been simply like, oh, they throw a bunch of money and they get, like, it's not just that the money talks, it's that they are getting

mostly players of like the Phil Mickelson caliber like this is not by no means do you look at this roster you're like wow these are like and granted by the time this comes out this might all change it's not like oh the best the best golfers are signing up with this

at least not at first so to me it's more of a question of like who can you convince that like hey man you deserve this you you've earned this so a school that used to be really good. A school that used to be really good still thinks highly enough of itself and is sort of like, you know what, that's an excellent, the University of Miami is an excellent choice. I'm throwing

up the U. That's what immediately comes to mine. The run is over, folks. It ended 20 years ago. It's time to cash in. Yeah. By the way, also, the total money that the SEC gets if you want to target just for the SEC alone. I mean, I think Miami is coming for significantly less. than this because they're not in SEC school and the ACC does not pull down this kind of money. The current intake per year for the entire conference is $300 million a year in television revenue. 300 mil. That's what the ESPN deal once we switch over and the CBS deal expires since 2024. That's what's going to be.

So, so that's just TV. So that's, so the Saudis have to top that. Which, which, which, by the way, just to broadcast. Yeah, total, total purse money right now for Liv is 255 mil, right? So, so they got it. Yeah, that's purse money. That doesn't count all of the like broadcast shit. That doesn't count, you know, everything they're paying.

By the way, their, their main announcer right now is Arlo White, who you may remember, from Ted Lasso as the announcer and Ted Lasso. Arlo White is currently the main announcer for Live Golf. So there's no telling what the fuck they're paying him. If the purse money is 255, it

was nothing plucking Arlo White from the arms of the EPL. Let me see. What did they pay WBE? 50 million for each event. I mean, my first answer here is Houston. I think Houston.

everything about the sort of like booster structure there everything about sort of the conference fluidity everything about just you know data and Houston is yeah I think Houston is

first on the first one to sign up first I think you can count Nebraska in they took sort of a leap all right and it hasn't been awesome and I think you know There's like, do they want to go back and all that stuff?

But you can sort of sell it as a move forward to say we are proud to be the only school in Saudi football to have won numerous national titles. Yes. So Houston checks one box, which is the golfer who's just like, hey, man, I got to feed my family like they were having a hard time doing that before. Nebraska checks the different box of golfer who's like, we're doing this for a principal. Hey, we're going to be just somebody has to stand up. They're the Greg Norman more. They've already, and they've already done, they've already done this when Nebraska saved college football.

Yes, they already, they already are out there sort of being like the tyranny of the Big Ten has somebody has to stand up and say something. There has to be, there has to be an authoritarian strong man. That's why we have decided to partner with. So like Miami is kind of a Phil Mickelson here, just cashing in on a legacy. Yeah. Someone has to take this check. I will take this check.

I don't think the SEC would as a group. I think one school would thinking like, oh, everybody else is going to do this. Oh, South Carolina is going to see it again. Maybe South Carolina. I could see Tennessee doing it too. I could see Tennessee being like, yeah, we're a program of the future. If you got Miami and you got Nebraska, auto correct is suggesting Tennessee. Miami, Nebraska, Tennessee, Houston.

Those are those are the first four. schools it's tennessee would go well we're currently under the thumb of one petrochemical family what's the difference where i mean what are we going to finish fourth in the cc east under a different one with better uh towels nicer stuff yeah that's i guess that's what we're doing now yeah so i think they're probably fine with the move yeah we paid jeremy pruit money because morals are really important once you once you once you what's you you go across that Rubicon they're like well hell come on Satan get in the passenger seat um I think the big 12 is where you're going to see a lot of movement just the whole thing more or less yeah

no the whole thing um I'm going to go ahead and say that uh that you need a biggie you need a current biggie because that's really what happened like Brooks keppka joined this uh this week after insisting that he was not going to join that's the other move you need a school who's who will for months say like no trash absolutely not then one day just flip-flop out of nowhere yeah and just go for it like you need a real top 10 team because that's what that's what keppka doing uh effectively means you need somebody who absolutely will do it which is why i have i have i have a pick jason but you can i want to hear yours i want to hear yours because i don't want to steal it okay

Ohio State's gonna go okay that's not who I was going to say but go no Ohio State's gonna go because remember they're bigger than individuals they're all about big institutions how is Ohio State not Bryson yeah that's what I'm saying

right like Bryson was like yeah we'll go we hate everybody I learned math just so I can get strong yeah like Bryson and Ohio state are so similar because Bryson's like I'm going to live to 100 130 through workout and vitamins.

Right. And everybody's like, everybody's like, God, you're fairly annoying. And it's like, that's the fucking, that's right.

Mid your head, bro. Yeah. I mean, rent free. Rent free. Red free. This is a baptism.

It's just baptism and you're being rude. Red free, bro. Yeah. Like every, like every, and also like every Ohio State meathead, they have a YouTube channel, right? Yeah,

bro. Respond to my video. I'm going to put it on YouTube. Yeah, they're going. That's a done deal. They're absolutely. So who is the Kepka then?

If Ohio State's the Bryson, who's the Kepka? So you would have a school that this would be really appealing to. It would be one that is on the cusp of eliteness, but is not going to be winning a national title in FBS. You know, a big brand, cash in the legacy, a lot of old titles, not going to be winning any new titles ever again. And you're not really tied down by current obligatory.

No one likes breaking contracts. We're talking about UMass people. Yeah, that's right. So Liberty. I was going toward Notre Dame, but Liberty would also have no qualms if you just want to scoop them up on the way. If you just are looking for like who is the school

who would like bemoan this until they flipped on it, it's definitely Notre Dame. Notre Dame would definitely be like, this is bad for the sport. We don't condone it. And then also we signed a contract today. But we just happen to have so much money that we can spend on research or whatever. We can spend on integrity and whatever.

Integrity and real gold helmets made of solid gold. That's like scrumble. It's worth it. Just instant, instant mega concussion. And they turn your head into like your head just scalds within the gold helmet. Arizona State would sign up because like they might be on the way out of FBSS it is currently. Free road trip, bro.

Road trip. Road trip. They got beaches. Arizona State would be like, y'all got a compliance apartment? No, hell. Yep. Check.

Yeah, we're down. They're 100% going. Oklahoma State's going. They're like, yeah, frack buddies. Let's roll. We know how this works. Yeah. They'll get, they'll be like,

can you put our hotel room in the ground floor? Why? So we can frack. Who is the Sunbelt team? that's going to live football the sun well we need somebody who's already like well close to the petrochemical industry right we need somebody who's probably all about that cash as well i think that points us in the natural direction of the rage and cajans or texas state but i'm i'm going to say raging cajans because they'll be like well you know we uh we don't want to

miss out we're an ambitious program and additionally someone's going to have to run pipe for this thing might as well be us uh let's see yukon will try they will not be accepted no we have misplaced your application yeah fortunately you can will get it uh i'm also going to say that uh the university of florida will also go because uh you know tax law tax law that's why second best tax wall program in the world then be like there's definite advantages to this so we got to offshore with this program immediately. Every ACC team

will too publicly float the idea and also have to back off of it like they'll all fuck up the optics of it terribly. Yeah like the ACC's lose in Miami but otherwise they're going to make a lot of noise about oh our Olympic sports we can't

you know our lacrosse we have to keep and eventually they're just like no you don't get it we only won't football. There will be one confusing team. It'll be like Boston College and be like, no, damn, that's not fine. Miami said they needed a friend that they could beat up on sometimes. Can we, I think

UNOV is making the jump. They're like, this is, the weather's exactly. Oh, we've forgotten. We've forgotten one. UCF. Definitely. UCF is absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. USCF is like, we don't even think

college is that real. Absolutely, we'll sign up for this. You kidding me? USF's going to try to hide in the cargo hole. They'll be expelled. by Customs on Arrival. Ew. Send UCF back. Contaminating their shores with USF.

I think most of the Big Ten will refuse. Come on. Louisville is pulling the trigger. They got no shame at all. No, none. Louisville's down for anything. What Louisville will do, will be like, well, is Kentucky going,

because we're not going to Kentucky's going to be like, Kentucky's just going to, necessarily hold out for too much money and they'd be like we were never interested also kentucky kentucky's not going because cole is the future they'll be like hell no and well people no we we're staying for coal kentucky be like can we can we stay in the basketball tournament and they'll be like i don't think that's no no no no no it's not a hoops league sorry no it's not a hoops league sorry west virginia is not going that i'm confident in not for for a variety of reasons team cole team cole that's why also might not be able to leave the state you know until some charges clear up

yeah by the way also going uh michigan is staying for sure michigan is 100% staying and that'll be real like yeah about it right yeah they will they will never stop letting you know that they stayed michigan will be like we're actually starting a new rival league and players have to pay to participate that's how honest it is michigan state responds by leaving be like michigan you invented intramurals what are you so proud of right now Wisconsin's not going Because they're like, they don't drink Also it's hot

It's hot over there and they don't drink It's so hot Where am I going to get my Where I'm going to get my kegs? Also, I just got like, I got like three deer In the fridge and the garage. I got to go through those, you know. They'll go bad if I leave for too long.

So I've got to work through those chops. Can I bring my deer? Yeah, can I bring my venison? No. All right. I bagged an elk out in my Montana with my uncle, and it's real tasty. Sorry, you guys are going to have to do this on your own.

We'll just whoop up on Michigan for you guys. That's right. UCLA will do it. Side unseen. Just gone. Yeah. UCLA will be like, we need anything, any good press. Or bad press or press at all.

It doesn't matter. It's just so people can remember us. Central Arkansas is down, as established, during the plague season. Central Arkansas is down to play anything. anyone anywhere. Purdue, their only hope being a space victory in this game is definitely going to do it because they need the money to send the football team to Alpha Centauri and win. Because remember Purdue's not about winning football games. It's because they're playing a giant game of civilization. It's about fleeing the earth forever. It's Purdue football, fleeing the earth in this cursed stadium forever.

Who do we most want to like? Also, they have to beat Ohio State. That's the other thing they have to do. They have to follow Ohio State to the other end of the world and beat them there. Is there a school you went to, like, force to attend, like, Harvard, just, like, make Harvard do it? Yeah, which is cool to be... Harvard would be... Yale would be funnier. Because you weren't Harvard. Yeah, I would do that. Send Yale football to do it, and additionally...

So they can start scouting their future war crimes. That's right. That's right. They're like, listen, we need money for... We need more money for crimes. That's what we need. It's like, look, we're going to be lobbyist for you in like six years anyway. We might as long as you know each other early.

It's fine. It's relationship building. It's networking. It's really networking. The value of a Yale degree in action. Just the Bush family locker room. Iowa's not going. Yeah, no, they're definitely not going.

No. Yeah, just because inertia. They're just like, no, it seems busy. No, we do things one way here, one way. Our goal is to win a Big Ten championship. That's it. Not a Middle East championship. A big East championship.

When are they going to do that? Saudi Arabia's exports, of course, it's dominated by oil stuff, plastics, plastics, organics, chemicals, boats, other chemicals, pearls, I'm not seeing corn on this list. Yeah, sorry. How can we trust these folks? So the other thing this will do that the golf league has not is it's going to put a lot of representatives and senators into awkward positions where they're like, of course I support live football. They're in my district.

I guess that's the other reason Miami is going, because there's a live. Yeah. It's a club. Kind of. this club's kind of sucks this club's a little different yeah they they kill they kill actually that would be the buying you know they kill people who disagree with them and actually murder them they'd be like what a chad move

so fucking sick so the other the other thing you need is you need structural differences because like live golf compared to pGA golf you know pGA golf has a cut it's very funny because i texted spencer this phil mickleson has been on this like oh you know i've taken a lot of time off really taking care of myself whatever miss the cup by eighth strokes the end's open fucking yep um but live golf there's no cut they're only playing 54 holes instead of 72 like it's a guaranteed payout it's a much like so what are the changes you are making in live football that are appealing to teams not just beyond the like huge money thing my first one yeah remember live golf plays 54 holes not 72

All they're playing three quarters. Yeah. All they're playing three quarters. Got to win the third quarter. Can't wait till the fourth. Yeah, that works. I feel like guaranteed bowl games. So you said that, and now Michigan's reconsidering.

Well, hold on. Don't be hasty. Man, you just doubled Todd Grantham salary right there. It's like three quarters. It also only goes to third down. So there you go. yeah this could happen damn it yeah and you know this you know who's not going Alabama just kidding what Nick Saban's like no I will continue my reign of hell oh no the Alabama

thing is to not do it for five years and then then then then do it and then immediately dominate the league not do it for five years and then Sabin says oh well I guess if everyone else does as usual public performance and then goes and mops everyone up. I think the Alabama thing is starting a satellite school and winning with that satellite school. So you send UAB to win live football for you. Develop talent, yeah, because it wouldn't affect their eligibility. Ooh, yeah, that's how they're going to do it.

Eight year seniors playing for Alabama. The other thing I'm confident would happen here, because it's kind of what's happening with the PGA so far, is like, the NCAA will make no attempt to address any concerns that are propped up, real or otherwise. They'll just be like, well, I think this is just proof that we're doing things the rightest way compared to the Saudis, don't you think? We have formed a tentative inaugural committee to begin exploring whether we should launch an exploratory referendum project to commit. I think I got something that wraps this all up by the way we just want to do it Alabama doesn't this sparks UAB and Auburn to leave they go play over there Paul Bryant's plan comes together

he shudders UAB and Auburn while they're out of town thus Alabama finally unites the kingdom the Yellowhammer kingdom becomes the only school in there we'll also get US say in there, just in case. We'll just get South Alabama, maybe Troy, too, right, to send the whole state there. They'll be like, Alabama, that's so nice of you. You let us go. And they're gone. They're like, take their keys, change the locks.

These are all University of Alabama satellite schools. One ring to rule them all. National titles forever. So just see the plan here. Okay. I'm going to wrap it all up in one bow here. Okay. Paul Bryant, the third, dog tracks, the UN, the Saudis,

Okay, Texas A&M football, Hormel Foods, Mount Air Rat. Mount Air Rat, Noah's Ark, and my wife's boyfriend, Steve, again. There we go. There's one reason Texas A&M wouldn't leave. If 50 schools jump ship, that makes it easier to claim a national championship. 8 and 5! Not even 8 and 5. and be like seven, three, and two.

You're like, going back to time. We're going back to 1910's records. One team's 5 and 1. One team is 11 and 6. We beat two high schools and a veterinary college. We beat a dentist convention and a YMCA and the Utah Jazz. Listen, if it had been about burpees, that CrossFit gym would have won. But I'm sorry, boys, this is football.

We play sports, not exercise.