Shutdown Fullcast - Shutdown Fullcast #12

Episode Date: December 4, 2013

This episode of Shutdown Fullcast features an extensive discussion of sad restaurants filled with lonely people, a brief analysis of the Iron Bowl, and an admission that the college football season has probably peaked already. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hey, you'll want to talk about the Iron Bowl? Maybe later. Yeah, not right away. There's no rush. I might have to ease into this. It's still going to be there. That's true. That's never really going away.

So I thought we would continue a conversation that had started on Twitter, where I had asked, what is the restaurant where you see the most people eating alone? It's like the most sad, how's this? The most sad people eating alone. And there were a lot of votes for several restaurants. But before I disclose the top ones, what are your nominations for the places where you see the most sad people eating alone in restaurants? I mean, can Arby's count? Arby's was one of the first ones mentioned.

Okay. Because Arby's has a lot of, a lot of sad people who I think are on their lunch break, but don't want anybody else to know that they're eating in Arby's. Is that a function of shame because nobody wants to admit that they love oversalted horse meat? So they're just going to, they're all, like, everybody goes to Arby's alone. You know, I think what it is is a function of, you, the brain and the body are confused, because I think there's a notable subset of people that go to Arby's for lunch because, they think that's the healthy choice.

Like they're not having a burger, they're not having KFC. They're having roast beef, and that's kind of healthy. Well, the thing about Arby's is it's always near a Burger King or a McDonald's or something like that, and that's where you're going to see the families, whereas the individuals are going to turn up their noses and head to the place without the playground. Right. The dad who just wants his kids to give them one last chance. I bet Arby's had a test program, a pilot program for playgrounds, and a fatality resulted.

Like, that just seems to be something that would happen to Arby's, right? Like, yeah, they had a playground, and then that kid died. Oh, shouldn't have covered the slide in Oju? Now, there's an Arby's around here that has an actual tree growing inside of it. Wait, what? Wait. Like, are you saying there's an Arby's biodome? Yes.

And why doesn't, why doesn't Ryan live there? It's near my alma mater. I believe it is like a self-sustaining Arby's. Like, you know, it produces its own oxygen and all that. If there's ever any sort of an epidemic, I'll probably head there and try to seal it down. Like, damn, first you get the Atlanta Braves. Now you've got an Arby's biodome. Cobb County is an amazing place.

place, Jason. Actually, I prefer to call it the arbology. You can call it that because it's science. Exactly. There's no oxygen in this restaurant and get everyone's living. It's a new gas based exclusively on beef. Now, my recommendation is one that we were actually talking about before, which I did agree with, would be Panera bread because you're going to see solo people in there.

just no person within three tables of another person because everyone's kind of just there to work and eat like the $9 egg sandwich and there's, you know, they're so sprawling and huge and I don't even know how they stay in business. They take up so much space, but there's just two tables worth of buffer between any two people, no eye contact whatsoever, and the counters are like eight feet tall. You have to reach over them to get your food. It's amazing, and it's a great experience. It's a blogger's dream.

I always think that Panera is pretty much where you're classy, still dedicated to life as we know it, hasn't totally given up on people, cat person goes. That's where they go, because the entire restaurant is so empty because it's designed so that at any point you feel like you're alone, even if there's somebody within inches of you. Yeah, just so many walls and partitions and all sorts of obstruction. It's kind of like an obstacle course. and you get to just just carve out your own nook and you could probably live there if you if you really wanted to it's like legends of the shut-ins temple yes with croissants okay so it's a labyrinth of soup it's no let us surprise you yeah that's that's a place so vile i've never been in it because i'm not going to eat at any place called let us surprise you um the the question that the answer i had for this my initial thinking was Panera because it's designed to be alone, but I don't think that's the saddest or most apt answer.

Neither did the people answering this question. We had a lot of suggestions for the following, which we can discuss. One, Waffle House. Incorrect. No, absolutely not. You're never alone at Waffle House. That was my, you know. Even if you want to be, you're not.

No matter how hard you try, you will be ranted at by, you know, a, 25-year-old mother with gold teeth, you know, by a band of 65-year-old men, by, you know, you are never less alone than you are a Waffle House. Yeah, most people don't understand that the Waffle House, you are really never alone. And as I have said, when you're drunk, you're really never alone. Because there might as well not be a partition between you, the kitchen. It's all one big playground for you to just stumble over and make a fool of yourself. So you're not alone at the Waffle House.

I would say that. I will put it this way. You're part of the Waffle House family. It's also, it's the opposite. Whereas Panera is trying to create that sense of isolation and you're in public, but you're not. Waffle House is very much like, let's everybody keep their hands where we can see them. It's very clearly, whoever designed Waffle House, I was like, all right, this is a place where people with weapons and drugs are going to come,

and we want to know that that's going to happen before it goes down so we can dive behind the counter. I know this. Have you ever heard any tales of a Waffle House employee beaten some ass when they have to? It always involves flying across the restaurant, which you can do in about two seconds. Yeah, it's sort of, it's, I mean, they're kind of designed for that. Yeah, designed for accessibility. Like sign of asylum? Not only does the cook, who's also a waiter, who's also a janitor, who's also the manager, and so forth, have the access to dive over a counter to break up a scuffle or whatever, you can also reach back and grab yourself, you know, some more condiments if you need them.

You're your own waiter. Or ladleful of grease for that fight, you know, take out and assailant? I'm telling you, this place, Waffle House, the very design of the place has been honed by up to like 70 years of hard redneck lessons. You know what else Waffle House is like, it's like somebody wanted to build a restaurant but didn't have enough Legos to sort of finish it. And it was just sort of like, ah, it's old there, screw it's. It's got a cash register, a toilet, and a place to burn stuff. Yeah, the bathroom is out in the open right next to the jukebox, but whatever, people get around it. Would anyone notice if that were the case?

I don't think anyone would at a Waffle House, you know. They'd be sitting there with the Lego construction set going, man, I need a three-pillar. piece and a little rocket thruster piece to finish this. Ah, screw it. I didn't finish the roof. Oh, well. That'll be fine. Just don't sit there. So Waffle House, we've rejected.

Applebee's. I think this is an excellent suggestion because of something Jason told us in the pre-show. Well, I just learned this. Yeah, by the way, let's go ahead and just disqualify this. Let's say this. We're just going to accept that it's a lonely place. Okay, just as a given.

you're going to go ahead and give the kill shot. Okay, sorry. Yeah, I just learned just before we came on here that Applebee's is apparently replacing its waiters with tablets at tables, like tablet computers. I don't know if they're doing this at every restaurant, but we're talking about a place where you don't even talk to a cashier or anything. You just go in and push a button and eventually leave. Can I say something before we get into how sad that is? do you know how filthy those tablets are going to get after about a week of Jack Daniels sauce being slat in all of it? So much bacon A's.

Just the other question too is this, how many times are you going to sit in a booth at Applebee's? And there will be this sad, sawed-off, frayed piece of cable that once held the freshly stolen tablet. Now, they won't, somebody's going to try to use a chicken nugget as a chicken nugget as a, a stylus on one. You don't know that a chick, by the way, don't correct yourself. You don't know that a chicken Nuglet isn't actually on the menu. I'm pretty sure that's one of their marquee items. A really tiny print down at the bottom of the menu.

Nuglet indicates something made of a meat, which is either a horse, cow, sheep, goat, chicken, or octopus. What? Warning, may contain wood chips. Definitely contains wood chips. Those places like apple bees, it seems like once a month, it's like a contest to come up with the most convoluted food item like it's it's now at apple bees the you know random adjective random adjective random noun chicken popper it's madlib's food well it's this the bacon fruitloops

chicken popper well the sneaky trick to those having as a veteran of benigans and the son of and the son of somebody who once ran o charlie's i will tell you the secret of those wow yeah charlie's is pretty good I'll ride for O'Charly's. Among all those places, O'Charlie's is decent. O'Chalys is not where you go to be alone. It is where you go to pick up underage girls and buy the drinks. Apparently, this was a serious problem at a lot of O'Charlie's.

But good to know. The thing that they do with those is it's pretty much, if you have seven appetizers, you go, hmm, permutation math. I can take those seven appetizers and how many different, You know, it's like a very simple algebra two question where they're like, how many different variations of seven things can you have if you combine them with the same seven things? So if you have the cheese stick and the bacon topped tato skin, right? Well, yeah, exactly. So what do you do?

Oh, well, obviously, I take that and I make the tato skin raft, right, which is just or the tato skin pontoon boat, right? They'd be like, cheesy pontoon boats. What do you do? They just take toothpicks and ram them together. So it looks like the tato skin is the boat atop these two cheesy pontoons. Sponsored by Life of Pie. Yes, exactly. Which that's actually how they think.

Right. They're like, can we just put dip on this thing and call it an item? Yes. No training necessary. That's how they do it. It's pretty much like BuzzFeed food. I didn't see that out loud. I'm excited for when they start making everything boneless, even things that didn't have

bones in them originally just be like boneless mozzarella sticks and be like oh boneless now no it's when they start putting bones in things yeah extra bone mac and cheese you're like like when we're just defying nature altogether when we're like yes we put bones

in a shark or they just give you like the chicken wing bone what is a dry aged apple fritter do I want that I do want that I would go ahead and also and do this. We have a couple of other suggestions for the most desperate places to eat.

We have, somebody mentioned Bob Evans. Now, I got to be straight with you. I'm not all that familiar with Bob Evans because I believe this is like an upper north slash Midwestern phenomena. Am I correct? Yes. It's kind of Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Michigan-ish. Very family-prone.

I've been to a few. they're very family heavy so are they very heavy are they very heavy family heavy when i say heavy i mean heavy i know for a fact there's bob evans in tampa there's one by gaiter high school or there used to be at least where nobody famous ever went oh wait jen sturger went there so okay you see though that's that's that's a pretty impressive tampa pole yeah but uh let me tell you I'm about to blow this out of the water because I know where a Bob Evans was in St. Petersburg, Florida. Yeah, you're not ready for this. The cousin Tampa doesn't talk to anymore.

Oh, no, no. And in that family, this is the black sheep of the family nobody talks to, okay? And that would be Pinellas Park. Oh, Pinellas Park, Florida. We did do a bit of research on this listed under a notable residence of Pinellas Park on Wikipedia. Right. You found one. Yeah. There's no, well, I'm just going to come out and say it. Terry Shivo. It does emphasize subject of the Terry Shivo case in case you're thinking it's the other. Oh, okay. Yeah, listed as a notable resident of Pinellas Park. She probably still is. Well, she's probably there in spirit. In spirit. Hanging out of the bob. Hanging out at the Bob. I feel like Terry Schiavo at Bob Ed's ordering some biscuits.

Terry Schiavo and Bob Evans is the plot of some, like, Christian remake of Weekend at Burdies. And you know who'd fund that? The residents of Pinellas Park, Florida. It'd be all over that. So Bob Evans, we've accepted that. Somebody said Hooters, and I'm going to tell you this. Hooters, you're not going to be alone technically because the staff is going to be there. and the staff at Hooters

really well trained they're probably not going to let you feel too lonely that place is depressing now depressing in a different way yes okay but technically you won't be that alone somebody will talk to you at one point in literal terms of like

if you fall on the floor there will be someone there to see you do it and maybe call an ambulance like in those terms now that we've put now that we've put tablets in an apple bees how long could your dead corpse

lay on the floor before anyone notice it's going to be a while yeah that's a concern my one put in cameras I like that I do like that apple bees like hey they put in a Roomba Applebee's like Wally had a lot

of good ideas to go around and make sure there are no bodies yeah now I think there's a few cheating answers I think fast food is kind of a cheating answer, because if you're on the road, you're going to eat alone at a fast food restaurant. Now, I know we mentioned Arby's.

Arbys to me is not fast food. It's mid-tempo. It's adult contemporary food. John Sicata of food. The John Sicata of foods, right? I think also it kind of... I apologize if John Sicata is listening, by the way. It is cheating.

Jeb Blund mentioned this answer. He mentioned Lubies and or any kind of pensioner's restaurant. I don't know. Piccadilly. That's just using, to me, it's cheating if you use death, right? Like, that's the reason, death and mortality. That's the reason you go to Lubies.

And I think that's cheating as well. I think you need someplace whose despondency and aloneness is just strictly its own product. Yeah, that's fair. Lubies combines everything that's bad about a school cafeteria and everything that's bad about a restaurant and nothing that's good about either. of them. It's just as expensive as a restaurant. It's just as shitty as a school cafeteria. That sounds like a successful American company to me. Hey, they're still around. I think. I don't know. Do we have any closing, any closing recommendations? I will throw in a, I will throw in a cursory nomination. If we're discussing truly, truly sad restaurants, I will

throw one in for shownies. Oh, yeah, I was just about to say that. I was going to say either Shonies or Denny's. Okay, you can take Denny's. I'm going to tell you why for Shonys, because there was that breakfast bar, and if you've ever seen a person really go there and wreck the breakfast bar alone, it is like the video for one of the Mopee your radio head songs. It's like the saddest thing you've ever seen. Yeah, and the definitive Shoney's meal to me is that just three spaghetti.

I'm just going to say we ate shonies a lot when I was a kid, but if a person was to go there, in the year 2013. I just cannot imagine anyone going along with them. Yeah. Ryan, you have a final? Yeah, I'll throw one more in. I'll throw steak and shake in there because it's not exactly fast food. And there are only two types, there are only two types of tables that steak and shake.

There's group of high school slash early college friends that are there at two in the morning, sharing cheese fries or something, having a good time. And then there's a guy who's just in the steak and shake. maybe not even ordering anything. Yeah, and because usually stick and shakes are more than 500 feet from a school. Right. Now, I feel like steak and shake, at least here, that was sort of a, for the 17-year-olds, that was sort of a place to go and gather. Is that not the case in your parts of the world?

No, I know what he's thinking of. Now, you see, what Ryan is thinking of is the one in Gainesville, Florida. Yeah. Which was honestly, like, one of the saddest places ever. It was terrifying. It was, I went there once, and there was a guy. who said he was a dentist who asked me

no lie we are sitting there both eating at the bar because it was a sad and a low in time in my life we were both sitting there at the bar and he goes he goes yeah yeah yeah

hey listen I'm a dental student you want to come with me and let me look at your teeth and I said no and after that there was about 15, 20 minutes of horrendous silence because you know who gets emotionally

hurt when you turn them down, serial killers. The rejection is palpable, and it makes everything awkward for everyone. Now, can I give one final answer on my part? Sure. I'm going to go with a Pizza Hut in the year 2013.

Because as growing up, you know, we had they had the salad bar, the pizza bar, the arcade, you know, the Pepsi and a big red cup and all that stuff. I feel like we probably all spent lots of times in Pizza Huts as kids, but now I cannot fathom why anyone would ever set foot inside of a pizza hut.

Oh, it's turned. It really is. It's like, it's basically our generations, you know, you can't go home again. Because you walk into a pizza hut and every happy six or seven-year-old memory has dissolved in this shabby, destroyed world that is the inside of a pizza hut in 2013. I forget where I heard this, but until just recently, Pizza Hut was the world's, number one purchaser of kale. Which they used as garnish on the salad bar. It did be eaten at the salad bar.

Good. Ain't nobody trying to eat that shit. I agree with that, by the way. Pizza Hut was using it correctly. Cale chips are delicious. Fuck you. They're not delicious. They're kale chips.

Sponsored by Arby's. Zaps don't make no kale chips. Hey, you want to talk about the Iron Bowl? Yeah. Yeah. Up to it. You know, get 20 minutes into the. the old shutdown full cast here.

So I think we're out of hyperbole. I would like to get into the real truth about the game, i.e. why Nick Saban let that happen? Let it happen. He made it happen. He threw that game. You think so? Yeah. He's tired of these spoiled Alabama fans. He wants a little leverage so that he can get himself out of that situation if he wants to. without anybody feeling like he abandoned the program.

Now, sorry, go on, go on. You have more conspiracies, go ahead. He had heavy money on Auburn, winning outright, winning outright. I think this is a compelling theory because, first of all, Nick Savan is not going to let that happen. Second, I happen to think he thought AJ and McCarran was a little big in his britches because we actually knew the name of Alabama's quarterback. I think maybe a week before he's like, he's going to get drafted.

he's going to be drafted in like the second round oh no this is terrible this is un-american wanted to take him down a peg i mean somebody will still draft him in the second round because the NFL is stupid as hell but well what about um once gus malzon leaves to take the texas job you think nick sabin did this so he could take over at alburn um i'm liking this and by the way this whole plan has already come into power. If you want to know how Alabama is just set to destroy the rest of the SEC, first of all, making sure Will Mustchamp got hired, a Sabin hire at Florida, destroy Florida, okay?

You follow on me? Okay, so he made that happen, right? Two, he's made USC, made sure that they're going to go ahead and continue their kind of eight and five-ish mediocrity by installing Steve Sarkeesian there, thus eliminating the threat from the Northwest at the University of Washington, who will probably make a serious mistake, and I don't know, hired Dennis Franchione or something.

I'm not saying that's going to happen, but you just heard it, Washington fan, and probably had a stroke. Congratulations. Additionally, he's made sure that he's going to nullify that threat by, yes, getting Gus Melzon hired at Texas after one hot year in Auburn, because as Pete Tamble, no Nick Saban agent said, who's ever ended well at Auburn? Just a place that turns coaches over at an outrageous rate, mind you like, only five in the last 20 years or whatever. But still,

don't let facts get in the way of the conspiracy. Nick Saban never has and look at how successful he is. That's not technically true. There were seven different Tommy Tubervilles. He's like a really weird Doctor Who. He's like that Bob Dylan movie. We're like eight people played him. No, Kate Blanchett was excellent as Tommy Tuberville

in 2002. She was really good in 2008. I want you to name the different Tommy Tubervilles here, by the way, leather jacket, Tubberville. Then there's... Spiky Hair, Tuberville. There's Undertaker Tommy Tuberville, who is already in a pine box. There's dye job Tommy Tuberville, sort of the fresh, reddish-blonde die job he got.

There's golf in Tommy Tuberville, totally different. Never coached a single game, only plays golf. And I think additionally, there's the croomed Tommy Tuberville. You can recognize him because his pleaded khakis, about three inches higher than the normal Tubervilles. And he has no eyes. yeah well that's also he has him in his palms closely he has him in his palms but first check the khakis yeah but first check the khakis and then if your soul can take it look him directly in the eyes um i think and now who's the only other serious threats

in the SEC Georgia well mark rick he's a good man you can keep him around long as you get those injuries going because Todd Grantham, just a natural malifactor, just straining ACLs with his intensity. And then, Les Miles, we really don't have to do anything with Les Miles. You can just keep him there. That's the thing. Sometimes the smartest tactician, I'm pretty sure Sunsuit says this. It does nothing. And with LSU, you just sit back, wait, let Les Miles do whatever he's going to do to himself. Give him a game every now and then just so it doesn't look like the fix is in. Les Miles is the kind of guy who's like I'm going to build a brick oven in my

backyard and then burns the whole property down. Don't have to do a thing. You wanted that lot next door? Got a house on it? Not for long. Les Miles. Hey, you're going to root that yourself, Les? Yeah, sure. What could go wrong

with hot tar and smoking on a sunny day? That's Les Miles. And if he does burn your house down, will burn his house down too so everything works fine yeah yeah and uh by the way all gonna work out because guess who's getting back in that championship game oh it's it's gonna happen god damn it's one way or another it's gonna happen just get ready i apologize for um my spartans opening the door for alabama it's gonna happen because i'm i am excited about florida state fans to pretend like they're okay with that because they were a little too happy that alabama

given that they didn't need Alabama to lose to get into the national championship, there was a lot of joy that they weren't going to play that Alabama team. Notice, by the way, the confused, subdued, and irrationally, irrationally happy pattern of reactions from Florida's safe fans on Saturday night. It was hilarious. They didn't quite know what to do. They're like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, does that mean we, okay, do we face them? Okay, is that good?

Are we out? Are we out? Are we in? Oh, wait. Is that, are we, does that, are we, do? do we look like cowards if we say we're happy not to face them? Like, you know, it's been a while since Florida State's been good at things. So they're really sort of relearning all of this, right?

And sort of adapting like 1994, 92, 98 ways of thinking to like, you know, the modern Twitter age where every thought is just immediately broadcast to the universe. You know, so all that stuff's happening in real time. I mean, it's difficult for them, but I commend them the learning curve. for them is always steep, you know, the admission standards to being an FSU fan, since you are all people who failed the Alabama fan test and were rejected for application. And oh, what a low bar that is. Will you kill for a football game?

Not quite. Not quite. I mean, I'll wound. How kidnapped? Yeah. Will you kidnap? Will you literally, will you maim a tree in poison groundwater? I will tax evade.

I'll, like, side swipe a cop. Why are you going to type, why are you going to typecast Alabama fans? Listen, they're not the ones with the machetes, all right. Let's be fair. There are some and all fans looking to chop buildings. That's true. Chop buildings and challenge entire. By the way, wasn't that in the parking lot of, I believe, a TGI Fridays?

No, it was like a wing stop or something. Yeah, we need to verify this quickly. research. We need to go ahead and get on this because we need to know because if it was in one of the restaurants that we have discussed as being I've got it. It was the end zone bar and grill, which is essentially a John Boy's restaurant. So that's definitely not a place to eat alone because if you do, you will be assaulted by Florida State fan. Can I mention this by the way? This was in Gainesville. This wasn't even in Tallahassee. Yeah. This was in some horrendous. By the way,

the end zone bar and grill. Oh, man. That's a terrible establishment. I'm just looking at it. This is an establishment that I bet you has never passed a health code or health inspection without serious cajoling from the pocketbook. This is not, and I don't think I've ever eaten here, but I think I ate it its predecessor. And it was, they're pretty much the same thing.

It's bad. Um, so now that this has happened, by the way, which I will also state, uh, totally unequivocally, pretty much the best game I've ever seen. Yeah. It's, um, it's, it's hard to, hard to overstate and not sound like we're just saying things to say things, but that was the most amazing sports thing I've ever seen. Might be the most amazing thing I've ever seen. And we have kids. Yeah. I, I don't have kids.

No. So you can say that without any shame. So, yeah. So this is, this is the peak. Great. I might say that. It was, it was in my top. How's this?

This is why I'm still married. It was in my top five events. Great. I like that you win five just because you're not sure how many kids you have. Yeah, well, you definitely have multiple. So I can say top two. Well, you got to leave, you got to leave one in there for some event with your wife. Yeah.

Okay, three. That's it. Oh, when I met you. There we go. I mean amazing, not in terms of. of greatness, just amazing in terms of staggering. Amazement.

Yeah. Literally amazing. And the other thing about the game that was absolutely just stunning to me was how boss Alabama got, like how beaten they were at the point of attack. I haven't. Because if you remember A&M, A&M just caught breaks when they beat them in 2012. They really did. I mean, Johnny Mansell did a great job.

That offense was vicious. They counterpunched great. But they got a turnover at like, you know, they got an end zone turnover out of Alabama. They had, you know, a slightly better offensive line at the time that's, you know, just got enough blocks. This was just Auburn's front four whipping Alabama's offensive line's ass. Which, when was the last time you remember that happening and the coach was not Shula or it wasn't like Sabin year one? yeah i think i think at times that was happening i mean bama finished with about a hundred more total yards on the game yeah so it it wasn't like it was but in short i think i think Auburn

dominated when it needed to they miss all of those field goals come all of those field goals come from botched short yardage true true third and two third and one fourth and one they miss all of those and have to settle for Cade Foster who has maybe the worst night a kickers had since, what, Colt David, since, I believe, I believe that was LSU, was it Colt David, LSU's kicker who missed like five field goals against Oregon State? There was, last year, the Penn State fella missed about 30, it seemed like. But, yeah, this is about as bad as it gets. I throw Kyle Brotsman in that as well.

No, poor Kyle Brotsman. Yeah, sorry, buddy. That and, yeah, well, you know, and like Kyle Brothman, instant death. death threats. Instant. That's my favorite. It's that, you know, death threats for a quarterback really aren't common. Kickers, man, people must be just living to murder kickers.

Like, just, that must be deep in the dark heart of humanity. People really just want to murder someone who kicks a ball. It's because the kicker is the one person that the fan recognizes is most like them. Like, doesn't really play most of the game. Can't necessarily do most of the things the rest of the football players do. and so it's really just all self-loathing, bubbling up in the form of a death threat. The thing we really need to realize is that on three of those four misfield goals, I believe the holder was A.J. McCarran.

On the last one, it was the punter, but I believe on the first three, it was A.J. McCarran. Why is A.J. McCarran scared to be out there for the last one, and, you know, maybe he could have made that tackle. He could have, he would have obliterated Chris Davis with his strength. That could have been a Heism moment. Get out of here, AJ. He squats 600 pounds. He could have jumped like the Hulk.

Yeah, and just stepped on him. That's probably a flag. That's easy thing. Jumping like the Hulk. Here to explain it as Jay Stritchers, aka Glasses ref from the Pac-12. Stomping on a person. 15 yards.

Art of the comics is a large corporation. I think we need to take requests to how to explain. things like J. Strickers. Just anything, right? Like photosynthesis. Beginning with the basic cell. That's no control over the sound of his.

The mitochondria is the power source of cell. Mito, which is from the Greek. But of course, like, pointing the wrong way. Like, there's a diagram behind him. And he's pointing at you. His microphone's not on. I enjoy how much people dislike him because the minute he turns on a mic, I get so happy. Like he and Ron Terry, keep in mind, bad officiating just really confirms everything I believe about the world anyway,

that the people who are reading the rule book are, you know, sort of brain damaged and unable to really properly intimidate or properly interpret or figure out what's going on. Just, you know, amazement in all directions. It's everything I want to believe about the universe. By the way, this happened at the end of, like, probably the greatest sustained stretch of games I can remember on a single Saturday. You know, somebody mentioned, oh, October 15th, I think it was John Walters mentioned. Oh, you know, October 15th, 2005, which was the Bush Push, which, please be honest. In retrospect, the Bush Push is just not really. that spectacular

a play. It was kind of one gentleman leaning on another. Yeah. Which is, you know. And it happened

in Indiana. It happened, yeah, exactly. It was a college football story that happened in Indiana.

So we're just going to kind of rule it out from the start as being all that important. Also, like, listed on there

is the LSU Florida game. Like, oh, a dramatic win. And Florida had no chance. Like, that game was just

an anaconda the whole time, if you remember it. Florida was struggling so badly. That was a game where Chris Leak was so

bad it made urban mire cry afterwards so uh not really your best comparison for the for that kind of game also somebody mentioned someday in 1924 okay that day kicked ass everything everything was the twitter was going crazy yeah people there was a game where they threw like 15 passes it was amazing i'm sure and oh oh the african-american players that day just so many like four of them. Just we're completely not playing at all. We're completely not playing at all. That's how So therefore everyone was slow. Yeah. It's my favorite college football historical. Like,

oh, it's 1950s. I'm like, yeah, that's sure. Sure, let's, let's even think about that like it's the same sport when like, you know, a third of the eligible people, you know, can't even play. It can't even, they're entire parts of the nation where they can't go. they went our boys went to war everything was perfect everything was perfect it was great Notre Dame was really good fertility was on the rise

except that Notre Dame Saturday was really good yeah that's I'm sure I can't make any argument against you calling out a 1924 game okay awesome yeah you you know stuff you know you got you you got your you're the record store clerk of college football You are quite the contrary. Quite the contrarian picking that 1924 spot. I have no hesitation saying that, by the way. You're like, the past sucks. Yeah.

That's why we don't live there anymore. Roll tide. Left it behind. Just left it behind. The past sucks. I'll tell you what, this damn last weekend of college football, horrible. Sucked. I'm glad we're over it.

Yeah. Wasn't entertaining at all. Looking forward to the next week. We got a match championship. Exactly, man. Who wants to live there when you've got Bedlam coming up? anything else from the past weekend Ohio State Michigan was obviously

fantastic I'm not actually going to sort of retroactively critique Brady Hoke for going for the win because I honestly don't know what goes on in that man's head and I mean I don't mean that like oh hey I don't know what he's thinking no even if I had a

TV I think you know that went straight into his brain I would be mystified by the things happening inside you mean they scored the touchdown then he assembled the team and he's just like Sprinkles. And that's it. What do you guys want to do?

That is what happened, by the way. He pulled the seniors and they all wanted to go for it so they did, which who's your favorite ex-man? That to me, though. I mean, that is cool. I have no problem with that. If the seniors want to go for it, that's fine because then you can blame them. They don't have too much of a pie out.

so people exactly people have this like very sentimental oh man that's you know that's great you know you let the seniors decide you know um yeah guess who you can blame now they they're gone apparently they shouldn't they shouldn't coach the team next year you should probably let me do it I'm gonna make all the decisions now I can't even the Brady Hook voice is so hard to sustain because it creeps me out yeah it only lasts for about half a sentence You've got to do short bursts. Deep breath. Hi, boys.

I also would like to mention this. Like, I got, it was a day that was so filled that I got to the end, and it was like, oh, man, Wisconsin lost to Penn State. Yeah, that's weird. How bad? Yeah, there's like, there's like, Georgia tech's up by 20 on Georgia, you know. Like, I got Georgia fans texting me, like, oh, this is great. And then, like, by the end, it's like, how'd that turn out? It's weird.

Things reverted. Man, y'all haven't said anything in a while. That was it. Hudson. Yeah, well, hey, how'd Hudson Mason do? Heard you had them on the ropes. How'd that go, man? Did he stay in the tent roof of salt or what? Yeah, how'd that go, man?

So, this is finished, like, we've finished up rivalry. We're now going to Championship Week. We are also, by the way, going through the coaching carousel. Not much of a carousel so far. More of a, it's really more of a portable rock wall available for children's events. It's like the swing ride, you know, the big, it's just a big spinning swing. And Ed Orgeron looked backwards. Now he's puking everywhere.

I'm not really I'm not happy about that and I don't know if USC fans are really truly happy about that I'm not happy about it because that was a fun ride and I understand that nothing gold can stay and that Ed Orgeron was good because he was, you know, he was the new dad.

Yeah, but Ed Orchron at Wake Forest Do not like that possibility? You know, I the struggle. The struggle will be real and spectacular if he goes to Wake Forest. Well, here's the thing. He'll go there, and then he'll lose like nine games a year. He'll get fired.

He'll go back to being a defensive line coach. He'll end up, you know, the defensive line coach at Alabama. And then one day he'll be the interim head coach at Alabama. Start this all over again. When Nick Savans fired for only winning eight games. For only winning 11 games. Sorry. We got standards here.

We're going to hire somebody who coached with the bear. Come on down, Mike DeBose. All's forgiven. They hire Mike Riley from Oregon State. He's the nicest guy. That's what I can't wait for. I can't wait for them to hire Mike Riley and, you know, be like, man, how can we fire a man that good? Like, just like this.

Wow. Blow. Put you on your ass. I think they fire him on the first day to send a message. We're not going to tolerate mediocrity. Oh, it's not nice ball. It's football. I haven't even coached a game yet.

I haven't even done it. That sounds pretty mediocre, don't it? It's February. I would also mention this, by the way, that we're now looking at South Carolina being out, which is a real shame because they finish the season, as they usually do, by beating Clemson, and by doing it in the fashion in which Steve Scher is accustomed to, i.e., the most painful possible way with Clemson turning the ball over on, I think, their last four possessions in a row? Also having a wide receiver throw the winning touchdown for no reason I'm aware of.

I like the South Carolina Clemson game because every year it feels like they show up and Davos when he's like, all right, this is the year we're going to, and then Spurrier's like, hey, your dick's out and then punches him in the solar complexes. Yeah, and that's actually a very good way to describe what happened because it was painful. It looked like I normally take Gleads per your burning people down and I still did. But I admit that theoretically it would be painful if you had feelings in a soul to watch what happened to poor Clemson. But hey, another peach bowl, another Chick-fil-A bowl. Or some such, yeah. My favorite thing about that game is Bill Connolly wrote about how Taj Boyd takes way too many sacks against South Carolina for whatever reason. And while we were looking through for a photo for that story, every photo was of Taj Boyd being sacked.

So there you go. In the haze after the Iron Bowl, I didn't really remember much of what happened in Clemson, South Carolina. So it was nice to get that reminder that apparently all that happened was Taj Boyd just got beaten up the whole game. Hey, if you don't want to get sacked, don't be so fluffy. delicious tosh boyd it's more it's more he's huggable than sackable i want to cuddle and men have needs to sometimes just the kind of guy he'd like to land on sometimes you just need to cozy up to something something warm and understanding like the zaptig the lane bright quarterback of the year this is my favorite totally unnecessary storyline

that taj boyd is like five pounds overweight so therefore it's all he's santa claus Listen, it's all about just Tage Boy going on his sleigh, which in South Carolina, it's a sleigh, like, it's a sleigh driven by flying pit bulls. Bruce Bruce. Bruce stars in, Taj. Merry Christmas. Can Tage Boy get Davos kids toys by noon? Oh, man. Well, the championship game, by the way, do we have any reviews on coaches? There's, I'm just kind of like, ah, Sarkisian, I have no idea. I have, I have no clue how that's going to go or, uh, what to make of anything happening there.

None. Yeah. It's, um, it's, it's, it's just kiffin without a chin as far as I'm aware. Like, like, like, Sarkisian, the thing that always bothered me about him, he's a fine coach, you know, very smart man, whatever. But like, he makes this face where he draws his head back into his neck and like his chin disappears. And he has like this, this permanent five o'clock shadow. and all you see is just like it's not even a neck beard it's like his whole face is a neck beard

and that bothers me about him you're really that's like a it's like a tim and eric kind of face right like what i like is it looks like that noise sounds what i like is that washington fans were really kind of happy to be rid of sark but i think they were all assuming they were going to get jim mora and now now it's sort of like oh fuck just this cold All Skip Holtz, whatever. Screw it. Yeah, let's very quickly, before we do this, I want to come up with our nightmare candidates for that job because there's nothing more pleasant and pleasurable than picking the worst possible people for a job and really scaring the crap out of somebody.

Yeah, all right. I got, I got dudes then. Go ahead. Skip Holtz, it is. Yeah, you already laid that card down. I don't know how we're going to top that one. I mean, there's also the crop of recently fired. So, I mean, Paul Pascolani would top that list, I'd reckon.

I have my, I have what I believe to be the most diabolical and symmetrical suggestion. There's a nice symmetry to this, and I think you know where I'm going already, which is Lane Kiffin. Oh. Because, you know. Just swap. Just swap. Just trade them out. I don't know, guys.

Here, let's move this. couch over here. What would be great about that is inevitably Kevin would show up to a game and he hadn't done his laundry so he'd be wearing a USC shirt. Somebody gets some tape. Maybe they would dye it before so it was a purple shirt.

If by die you mean he'd just like spill a slurpy all over it. The thing about Kiffin is he would go like six and six one year and somehow vault into the USC job. That's it. That's his career pattern. They could just keep ping ponging.

We could cover the entire West Coast with former Pete Carroll staff members. Delightful. With Pete Carroll is like the pro-style godfather ruling from on high in Seattle. It's a game of Thrones feel to it. I kind of like it, actually. Yeah, let's do that. Yeah, I know. There we go.

I will also put one other nightmare candidate in there, which I assume we haven't mentioned this. How has nobody made this joke yet? That these are people in need of help. yeah and that as in happen yeah if one said it and that we all speak a universal language which is that of love hang on let me let me see if anybody's made that joke let's see is anyone made hushin nut oh wow only two people uh jarr o one and hog wild with a y and an e on twitter have used the words houston nut washington are you sure hog wild isn't houston nut yeah i think we can discount i think we can just okay so only just discount him only jerry carter that is

a day ago and they were both arkansas fans i believe they because they want somebody else to feel that bird arkansas fans are just want to make good and damn sure he's off the market like the houston nut for everything meme no one loves that more than arkansas fans old miss fans still a little freshly scarred from it but arkansas fans are like oh no we want you to get that stink on you there's a part of there's got to be a segment of the arkansas fan base it's kind of like we could take them back it could work just just keep it they're like well maybe we just have them is kind of like an overcoach who you know just kind of bold and shapes beel of uh you know we just we just get them on sundays and every other thanksgiving um that the visit it's a program of a visitation

proposition ever uh championship weekend i i know i would i could talk about houston enough for hours but i think it's time we get to championship weekend um you know we could talk about the cc first but i i i don't think that jason kirk's love for uh for sparty can wait yeah let me let me add i actually think this is like a really really awesome game i think i think this will be a lot of fun to watch. Yeah, it's a really good matchup for both teams. It would be kind of the perfect matchup for both of them, really. Am I the only one kind of confused by Michigan State, though?

No. Because they, like, sometimes they can just beat up on a weak opponent, like they beat Illinois by 39 points, but they only beat Purdue by 14-0. Well, the thing about that is once they have, say, three points, or two or two or if they could figure how to score 0.5 points if you advance them in a laboratory setting if you advance them the theoretical value of a half point right the program still engages the same protocol so so michigan state exists on the pH scale somewhere they basically they're like this they're like this automatic machine right like the doomsday machine if you attack them they have the same response every time it's like that thing about how if you keep going halfway towards something you'll never get there okay yeah points wise right yeah they're they're this interesting theoretical like uh study because it scores kind of irrelevant to them right like they're really kind of what like will must champ's bullshit approach says that's about right like like you know we we're not big on numbers no seriously michigan state's not big on numbers at all they're like they're like well What, is that greater or less than the number of points we have?

That's really the only question they ask. They should take that to the extreme and just dismantle the scoreboard in the stadium. Be like, we don't care. We're just here to ruin your day. That's all they're there for. Yeah, I shit on your car. That's what happened. That's what happened.

That's it. And I say this, by the way, as somebody who, you know, I find this style of football excruciating, I kind of like what Michigan State does it because the trolling is impersonal to me. I don't care who wins. I just want to watch Mark Dantonio ruin someone's life. Yeah, and, you know, he has the rep of the stoic, joyless statue guy, but he really does take this kind of, like, sick, jokerish glee in playing this hideous football. And I think that's what most attracted me to this team is, like, you know,

it's easy to find photos of him, of him making this, like, demonic smile while watching what his football team produces. oh yeah no he knows that's the that's probably the best way to explain it and interspers he knows by the way to complete that metaphor he intersperses a shocking amount of trick plays on special teams

seems to enjoy it like oh yeah you motherfuckers aren't awake watch this shit yeah who's boring now so it's like he bludgeoned you to death of a hammer and then draws a dick on your forehead yeah it's basically kind of like putting the clown nose on your

dead corpse, right? Like, ha-ha. You like that joke, did you? That's Mark Dantoneo. Classic Midwestern serial killer. By the way, in case you don't think the SEC fixes in here to get Alabama back in, sleeper agent, where did Mark D'Antonio play college football?

Don't look it up. Prison. I don't know. South Carolina. Shit. Also, from whence did Nick Sabin arrive to the SEC? Michigan states are, well, I'm sorry, he, yes, to LSU, yes, Michigan State. Right.

So, so it's all, it's all part of a pattern. It's just, I'm just going to say it's, it's interesting. Yeah, no, I mean, I'm just going to, I'm just going to put that out there. I'm not going to say it's definitive. I'm just going to say, that's really something. Info wars. Info sports. Why has anybody started that?

Oh, with Denny Mayo started it. Okay, good. We have to credit him. He's the first person I saw who typed info sports. So it's his concept. We have to pay him for it. The other games of note, Bedlam, Oklahoma State, Oklahoma. Really, Oklahoma State, probably out of any kind of serious title consideration of any sort.

But, you know, could end very, very strong against an extremely beatable Oklahoma team. If you want to watch Clint Chelf, Shelf, whatever you call him. play. He's probably playing some of the best quarterback in the nation right now. So something totally worth watching. Oh, yeah, SEC Championship game. Auburn, Missouri, as foretold by everyone,

wish they'd stop putting the most obvious teams in this game. Yeah, God. All summer long, all we heard, Mizzou Auburn. I am excited about Well, Must Ham getting asked at Media Days next year how he thinks his team is going to handle joining the SEC this year.

I'll ask it I don't care He'll be like What kind of question is that I'll be like I hate you Shut up Do you want to fight

Yeah that's it You want to fight Hey everyone can have an opinion You can't You can't You're moron You can say whatever you want About me

I don't want to say anything to you I don't want to say I don't want you to exist It's not that I want bad I don't want bad things to happen to you I just want you to go away What you do it I just want you to never have been born

That's it Exactly. Coach Muschamp, do you think if I had a time machine and I erased you, would you hold a grudge? I mean, I'm not just sit there with like some cardboard thing, like some cheap cardboard thing that you rigged up and misspelled time machine on and ask him that, right? Hey, that's not a time machine next to me, but I'm just asking theoretically. I'd really like to see that. Like, ask him a riddle so complicated that like he just disappears. like if you ask him like

Coach Mushchamp what do you think about that new Rihanna song you know that's kind of an easy one because they'll just say like I've never heard of no Rihanna but something that's like what never weeps but is always crying

yeah yeah you wouldn't have to by the way that wouldn't have to be that complex a question to blow his mind all you have to do is hand him a copy

of the feminine mystique and he'll just start dissolving Coach Mustchamp female orgasm just Dissolves And then your head coach Joker Phillips

Hey Man you know We can do magic together If we just work hard enough With enough focus Just with enough effort No matter how dumb the idea is That's Wilmust champ football right there

Other games By the way Let's not forget this Memphis and Yukon play Never forget that Any other notable games We got the ACC championship game Awesome on.

Yeah. Wasn't this also the ACG basketball championship? Wasn't it Duke FSU? I don't know. Does anyone here, no? No, nobody cares. No, that's, yeah, nobody cares. I seem to recall Florida State being good at basketball.

That's the part of the year that involves a lot of tears and yard work. So. What does basketball happen? I don't know. Nobody knows. Okay. It happens in March. That's when the season starts.

It's only a month long. Very short season, very exciting season. It's short and intense. Long per season. I will point out that, as we've been talking about for about three months now, Todd Graham is now 60 minutes away from the Rose Bowl. As intended, the most noble of all, the most noble of all. Jim Delaney, Todd Graham is going to be caressing that trophy of your whole.

Yeah, yeah, and not just the Rose Bowl, but like the 100th Rose Bowl. Like this super special Rose Bowl and this jerkass from Pittsburgh with a microphone his face is going to win it. That's the best word for Todd Grave ever is jerkass. That's this jerk ass. Do you realize how close we came to Arizona State having like a very compelling case to be in the national title game over one of the undefeated teams? We came, let's see, we came damn close.

Because if they beat Notre Dame, they're going to rematch against. Stanford, which in theory kind of cancels out the previous loss. And oh my God, Todd Graham's stumping for a spot over Ohio State. God, I just want to spread it on toast. If you're

a Notre Dame fan, by the way, listening to this podcast, which you won't, because you would have been appalled several episodes ago. This was just indecent. I'm going to go listen to They said negative. They said negative things about Arby's. I want a refund. I'm going to go listen

to Prairie Home Companion. They're a little socialist, but you know, it's just the melodious voice of Garrison Keeler that I can't stop listening to. If you are a Notre Dame fan, you are probably like half a human being, just barely impersonating being a human, a lizard walking among us.

But you also took great joy in seriously ruining two seasons. Yeah. You did, because remember, you beat Michigan State. You did. loss on the year. This would have had the Big Ten game would have had national title implications two ways, if that were the case. But you beat Michigan State, you out Michigan stated Michigan State 1713. Congratulations on ruining their year. Additionally, you saddled Arizona State with another loss in a 3734 final. And finally, you managed to, well, that's really it. But way to go. That's, you know,

You lost to pit. That's fun. See, what's more fun than losing to pit? Don't answer that question. You lost to Michigan. Heck, Akron did that. Did they? I remember differently.

It was really close. I feel like every week we need to clarify who actually won that game. Yeah, yeah, it's true. It's just like the Yukon, Michigan game. You're like, yes, Yukon lost. I know it doesn't feel that way, but they did. finally i would look at uh mac championship game is a hot one man and i yeah n i u bowling green that is and it's on friday i believe

it is it's actually an interesting matchup you have you know that maybe the most exciting quarterback the conference has ever produced against like a pretty actually good defense so that's a good game a superb defense uh you know and also uh i would point out we got uh we got Ion, that's really it. There's absolutely nothing else that weekend. There's a Louisville's playing. Does anyone remember Louisville? That is a game.

They have literally nothing to play for. That is the thing. They're on the, we can watch, we can watch them. But it won't matter at all what happens. Because if they win, if Louisville beat Cincinnati, then UCF wins the American. So there's just literally nothing for Louisville. They're locked into their bowl. just remember BCS

Notables UCF when you look back on 2013 and wonder what kind of evil seized hold of the game that yeah that's it

that's good we can totally stop there right out on UCF now I'm all bummed Thank you.