Shutdown Fullcast - Shutdown Fullcast #14

Episode Date: January 15, 2014

This week's Shutdown Fullcast breaks some bad news to Jason and talks about what kind of vermin your fanbase would be. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome back. Who? Who are you talking to? Wait, what do you mean, welcome back? Didn't we, didn't we do this last week? Spencer, we talked about this. Oh, God. I remember I went on a podcast last week, and wasn't it with you guys?

So, we have to confess a few things to you, Jason. Huh, okay. First of all, Ryan and I weren't on that podcast last week. No. Yeah. The one where we talked about Mountain West football? Yeah. Yeah, that was Cheetah Rivera that you thought was me.

Yeah. Actually, we booked you for this American life. Okay, yeah. Well, I mean, I was on this podcast, and I swore it was you guys. It wasn't. You know, it sounded like just like normal white guys, and everyone's kind of talking like they were like. like, swallowing their tongues while they were talking.

Yeah, a little, a little adenoidal and self-absorbed. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I thought it was kind of a joke, but it seemed pretty normal, really. They're like a joke that just kept going for hours and hours, right? I mean, like, when have we not done that, so? Valid point. We're basically indistinguishable from iron glass's finest. Boom.

Boom. Pay us. Payus. Well, the confession is that last week, where there would have been a shutdown forecast, we were in California without you. Sorry. Did you the internet in California? Yes, the internet was invented in California. Okay. So you were aware that I didn't have to go on all those other podcasts. Yes.

You chose to send me to them. Yes, and instead of doing that, we went to the national title game and did a podcast and a hot tub. Oh, well, that doesn't sound any fun, so. Yeah, so it was terrible. I felt really terrible the next day, really ashy and dry. Actually, it was like we woke up and we had sort of slept in the eye. Like, I even took a shower and woke up the next day and still felt like my entire body needed a chapstick dip. I think that's what it must have felt like to be impressed into naval service, like an 18th century.

I'm sure it was exactly like that, Ryan, that you were, this, that four pampered fat men in a hot tub. Wait, how long were you guys in the hot tub? Like two and a half hours. Yeah. Wow, you're really, really tough guys. Exactly. It was just like being impressed into the British Navy. We were well fed.

We had computers hooked up to microphones. and but I had to sleep in a twin bed so yeah and he did have barbaric he did have to sleep in a twin bed well I got to sleep in somebody's room it's one of those houses where you should know this about Dan Rubenstein's mother she's kept all of their rooms the same yeah she really has Jill's fantastic but you should know this one she'll make you good carne Asada and two that I slept in a room decorated with 20 years worth of 49ers memorabilia huh you'll be surprised not a single mike singletary reference not a mike single terry reference in the whole place is that dan's room no no that's another rubin's team brother

oh okay this is this would be out there's one who like there's one there's one of them who likes pro sports yes yes through no fault of their out they're from california they didn't get everything right right yeah so but but they at least they did choose the san francisco 49ers which is in connection to college football because They're basically like, you know, Big Lott Stanford, right? If you can't get Stanford, you root for the 49ers. I don't know if they're Big Lott Stam. They're more, if you can't get Sprite, they're the 7-Up.

Yeah, the Pepsi brand. Yeah, they're the Is Pepsi OK Stanford? Right, right. Yeah. Which those Stanford kids, if you told them, is Pepsi okay, I kind of think they would say, yeah, just, you know, that's how strange they are. That's how barely human those people are. I know. They'd probably say, they'd probably say, why would you have a preference

about that. Yeah. What kind of wine is Pepsi? Well, it depends on what prison toilet you're making it in, Ryan. Oh, that Stanford experiment was fun. Well, welcome back to

the shutdown forecast. I am Spencer Hall. Joining me is Celebrity Hot Tub, aka Ryan. Hello. And Jason Kirk, college football editor. S.B. Hey! Hey.

Hey. That's my new catch for me. That's good. That's good and awkward. You should make sure you that you're... It's my rapper ad lib, too. Hey. Hey.

Are you on, are you, now, I know you did a podcast last week. Probably dropped your own podcast and mixtape out on them streets. Did you do the most hipster podcast of the mall, the unrecorded podcast? Yeah. In fairness, we have one of those, too. that is true actually we did do one of those that was great that was a really good one too i remember we talked about like um i don't remember anything we talked about it was really good though it was great it's like the best podcast that was never ever it was um we had an equipment malfunction for the folks at home just to fill bring you behind the curtain here an equipment malfunction and uh spencer described that recording as ryan and i talking on the moon to ourselves which I think he should release which sounds kind of good to me

it might it might secretly be amazing it might really especially because it's like a conversation with the dead I can put I can put like stooky noises or you can just play like you know just like a really good like Bobby Bowden speech or something

to fill in the blanks or you can just release it as a kid's tape and kids can talk to yeah they can sing along yeah it's interactive It's educational. To put it in a teddy rucks, but make that bitch jibber. Hell yeah.

Last week, I was at the national title game, which that's the end of the season. And I have to say, quality end. You don't usually get the crescendo and the thundering finish at the end. Usually it's either a smattering of interesting events and then a landslide and or kind of an underplayed like an Auburn an Oregon kind of game, where both teams are sort of a rhythmic and kind of out of their mode. That wasn't this game, not at least. No, but can I be the downer? Please.

It did kind of make me want to be like, oh, so this is like Florida State tested, and I would like to see them, I would like to see that again. Like, if we had been able to go from that game a week later, two weeks later, whatever, have Florida State, Michigan State? Like, that would be pretty fun. Yeah. Thanks for ruining it, Notre Dame. But FSU fans would remind you that Auburn had FSU's play calls. So, therefore, the reason the score wasn't 60 to 2 was because of that. Well, Michigan State doesn't know those.

Whose fault is that? Same. Towel manufacturers. I like that a great credit to the FSU team comes in the form of four towels. I would like if they, the towels are fine, but I would like if they got one of those. You remember those, I haven't seen one anymore, so I assume they're discontinued. You know those big panoramic things people used to put in their windshields to keep so their car wouldn't over? heat and sometimes it have like an image of a sexy pink beach or something that's what i hope they

hold up yeah or it's like it's like sunglasses yeah the picture of sunglasses i know one i know one florida state fan who would probably buy five of them or 500 of them if you sold them in bulk on discount that'd be bud elliott the man is a master a bargain master folks at home there's another another nugget for you but elliott will he buys cheap things astounding cheap things. Do you think he's just preparing for a very specific doomsday? He's preparing for all doomsday. That and he's prepared for whatever comes his way, be it minor inconvenience. Oh, hello, a pile of wet wipes I bought for $5 on a price differential site.

Or major inconvenience. Five Honda generators fully gassed up, ready to go in the garage of this house I don't pay for. you're like bud why do you have a paint bucket full of mouse pads well you never know when you're going to need them is is there a person in florida who doesn't have a honda generator lying around yes i can't conceive of that yes everyone who needs one doesn't have one oh i would attribute i would go ahead and say the answer to that is everyone stealing electricity from their neighbors oh so a good 30 percent of the florida population right there so every every household one way or another is being runoff generator exactly exactly I would also say this the game itself really fun to watch in person let me lodge the one

complaint about the Rose Bowl which is otherwise perfect the press boxes aren't open air of all places LSU has the capacity to be an open air press box in the most hellish of

climates and yet the Rose Bowl blocks their reporters in like so many caged gerbils well that's that's probably for UCLA games right like bored UCLA fans would just

roam up there and start tearing out electronics and sleeping there you know they're ragged are they known for that well once they get in the roof oh you got to call it exterminator

so they're just they're like altitude sensitive like they get up too high they snap yeah they just burrow which fans which fans are the most persistent type of household vermin Jesus

Wow Because if UCLA fans get in your roof I'm just going to go ahead and say Let's see Notre Dame fans are probably some sort of Antiquated animal that's been around since the dawn of time A mongoose Let's just say no that's speedy That's fast

It just sounds old How about silver fish? Oh, that's good. You're not really sure if they're dangerous or not, but you don't like them. They're gross without even, like, having gross qualities. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I'm going to put Florida fans as bees because they get in the walls and then they sting everything, but then nothing happens.

So they're bumblebees. Yes, exactly. Bumblebees. Large, loud, noisy, affecting no change whatsoever. It might be a little bitter with the current regime, but that's just me. Northwestern fans are a bird that accidentally flies in your house and just wants to get out and doesn't know how it doesn't even know the game they're playing

maybe Northwestern fans are the cat that gets in your house you know like the cat that goes oh god what have I done and just starts spraying and then Penn State fans would just be the wasp that's like wedged underneath like between your gutters that like you could spray it but it's just going to fall on you So you kind of just leave it there. Let me just say, Alabama fans, you've got possums. Yeah, under the house.

Them under the house, possums having babies. Maybe raccoons, because raccoons are even less shy than possums. Like a raccoon will just, like, while you're sleeping, come up and try to steal your face. Oh, oh, oh, and occasionally rabid. Well, yeah. It's pretty spot on. I mean, I sort of thought all these were rabid. Also, similarity between Alabama fans and raccoons,

you can distract most of them with a pound cake on the end of sticks. Okay. Is that a raccoon remedy? I had a friend of mine in college who was an idiot and kind of a redneck would go down just outside of the dorm. Outside of Weaver Hall at the University of Florida, Ryan. Oh, yeah, I know it. Yeah. He would go down to those trees in between Weaver in another dorm and would feed him like nickel pound cakes, the little pound cakes you could buy for,

like 25 cents right right probably purchased at the oasis exactly and would get like 20 of those and put them on the end of sticks and feed them to the raccoons who would swarm him and he had to stop doing it one because he was an idiot and two because one day he went out there and they were waiting like a mall was he like trying to raise an army but he lost control i think so is this a parable i think he had a colonel kurt situation his methods became unsound his soldiers began to sort of vacillate between worship fear and hatred of him yeah so in other words Alabama fans yeah yeah I think you laid that one out pretty definitively yeah in a metaphor that nobody wanted but there you go anyway I would also say this about the title game that

I don't think I've seen anybody look quite as overjoyed to win that game as much as Jimbo Fisher like he looks stunned to be there I don't even think if you ask Jimbo Fisher now I don't think he knows that he won the national title game

I don't think he'll sink in for like three months he kind of looked like and I don't mean this like you know completely in a derogatory fashion I think he seemed very surprised that it happened at all

wow well he's known to be an emotional man we've seen him slump to his face during a game. No, he looked like somebody who honestly didn't know he could win. And I don't know if that's, you know, because he is so tightly strong and speak so quickly. But I think he's the kind of guy who probably just blurred right over it.

Like, he's probably holding up the trophy. And he's like, I don't know what I'm doing. I got to call recruits. What is alternate universe Jimbo Fisher, who's, who got the head coaching job at UAB? What is he doing in 2014? Leaving for Louisville as well. Okay. Offensive coordinator at the University of Alabama.

Oh, man. Lane needed that job. Has Lane Kiffin ever really needed a job? Well, the thing about that is if that one's occupied, then Lane just moves up a rung higher, and he's like the Detroit Lions head coach. He's senator now. You know the one time that I can remember,

Lane Kiffin really not causing any trouble and just sort of being quiet and keeping to himself when he didn't have a job this season? that's the only time he's not an asshole maybe he's better off unemployed yeah he did TV and everyone said uh hey he's he's pretty good at this well yeah but they they said it in the same way that like if you bring a kid to dinner and the kid just sits there quietly and doesn't spill too much we're like oh what a well-behaved child that that was the grading curve laying kiffin was on he didn't spill a damn thing he didn't spill anything at all they can edit the hell out of those

live. I'm not buying it. He didn't spill any spaghetti at all. You know, I would believe that Game Day used CGI. CGIBib. That's right. It's green, so you couldn't see it. If only to explain

Kirk Herb Street's hair coloring for the past two years. At one point, it was Guy Lights, and then it went into a full sort of robust, copper, blonde that not found in nature. It changes with the seasons. It does. And I think that can be largely explained with CGA.

I think you explained that with he moved to Nashville. Did he just start to look? You know, everyone who just sort of started to look like one of those countrymen. Jason, you just took me down the off ramp to like my easiest kicking dog. Go for it. Stephen Godfrey, turn the podcast off now. Find me that dog. Find me that dog to kick, Jason. Your muff, Godfrey.

Because if you watch the show in Nashville, you'll know. there's the same there's the same actor who plays every dude every dude and that's actually very accurate because uh above a certain level of income and a certain age everyone in Nashville looks the same all the women turn blonde and all of the guys turn into uh the guy lighted sort of uh they'll wear the the flare collar shirts right uh untucked because you know you got to let the burden of middle age breathe a little bit between the belt loop and the nipples. So it's very accurate.

And I think if Kirk Gurb Street's done that, then he probably goes to the same man barber that all of them go to. Yeah. And also he's not from the South, like everyone on that show. Yes, exactly. And we'll probably at one point, sorry. I bet he owns a tractor he doesn't use. That's my guess.

A decorative tractor? Decorative tractor. Another very Nashville thing. I'm a man of the land. I'm going to buy me a decorative tractor. Keep it out there. No. No, I'm going to mow the backyard with this. Nope. He's just hired a guy. Just going to hire a dude like everybody

else who actually knows how to do it without choking it out from first to second gear. That's what I'm all to do. Tractors don't have gears, dipshit. Yeah, Kirk Gherb Street. That's how you cut grass. Who are we mad at right now? I'm not even sure.

I think Spencer's mad at. Nashville. Okay. And we're just sort of going along with that. Okay. But Nashville, of course, the dominant city of our time, so dominant and so magnetic that it managed to keep one of coaching's brightest lights. Oh. Woody Widenhofer, who they fired.

And then they hired somebody even better. James Franklin. Oh, I'm sorry. Let's revive that for you ahead of time, Nashville. Nair do well. Con artist and Scaloag. Carpet bagger, James Franklin. That one who dares to offer scholarships to high school football players.

Oh, I thought you were going to say... To free them from going to play for Vanderbilt. I thought you were going to say Rick Trickett. Nobody says Rick Trickett. We're the first people that ever say those words. You know, we're talking about James Franklin, who retreated back to that cocoon of iniquity and union-dominated labor, the mid-Atlantic, pencil tuckie

Pennsylvania to go to Penn State my hot tick I kind of like the higher I think he kind of likes the money so yeah how much they pay in that man isn't it like four and a half million a year? 4.5 is the reported figure

that's top 10 money and probably probably let's see 4.5 those bonuses. Wins a couple of things. He's probably over 5 mil on the year, no? Somewhere around there. But what do you do with $4 million in State College?

Like, how much ice cream can you buy? Well, it's time to find out, isn't it? Oh, is he going to get ice cream fat? Oh, yes. All right, now I'm on board with this higher. He's got a face that could really support a lot of weight. Like, I don't want to say he has a big head. Right.

You know, it's just a hairstyle that makes his head look big. But I think his head could really support an extra chin without making him look, you know, like a really fat guy. You know, I think he could pull off big guy well. I don't think anybody's ever referred to James Franklin's hairstyle before. Right. What else would you call it? I tend to think of it as more a bone style. It's more a way of covering his skull with skin.

I mean, once in the last time do you think James Franklin had hair? It's been a minute. man he took one look at it and got so darn mad it just burned right off that's how intense he is you can't keep hair up there he's like the sprinters who like shave you know their entire body so they can run faster he shaves his head so he can recruit faster that's it just do everything a little bit faster man also the intensity just scorches it off the top of his skull before he has a chance to even grow a follicle just also So it might be some kind of, like, cult thing if you're a former, like, member of the Ron Prince coaching staff, which, let's not forget that.

James Franklin, former member of the Ron Prince experience at K-State. That's an NFL offensive coordinator, Ron Prince, to you, sir. That's NFL head coach in waiting. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Did he get that job for sure? It doesn't matter. We're going to make fun of it anyway.

Yeah, listen. What do you care about truth? I mean, he's Ron Prince. Surely he's working in the NFL. Surely he's qualified. Look, I think the one thing we can say about Ron Prince is that he always leaves a place better than when he found it. Right? That is one thing we could say.

Rest up bathrooms, all of them better. One could say that. All three of us could say that. We can say any of those things. Well, he ushered Rutgers right into the Big Ten. I don't believe that happens without Ron Prince to lead the way. Yeah. By the way, I think a number of people also on that staff,

or at least this is the one I saw D.C. SportsBock, Dan Steinberg, tweeting about this, that on that Maryland staff that James Franklin was on, a not inconsiderable number of, like, fairly good coaches on that staff. Bill O'Brien was on that. staff. So they're, you know, buddies in abandoning Penn State. You know, when James Franklin takes the Eagles job when Chip Kelly comes home to Florida, the number of fan pictures I've written to get rid of stuff. Just slip that in there. Yeah. Just, they're endless and they're sad, and I've posted them all in GeoCities for you to read. Don't correct my typos. My passion doesn't

know correct spelling. Then additionally, Charlie Taff, Charlie Taff. Charlie Taff, however you say this name, current offensive coordinator for UCF, team that, you know, just hung 52 on Baylor in a ballgame like it was nothing. So a pretty impressive collection of people on a staff for a coach who, for like the last two or three years,

it was barely napping for two to three years before he was fired and then got really upset about it. Love your fridge. Another coaching hire I wanted to ask about, now that we have taken Vanderbilt's coach and put him somewhere else, we do have to fill the spot at Vanderbilt. Oh. Well, if Will MustChamp has to go, I mean,

we've tried to sell him on everybody at this point. It's so sad. It is kind of sad. The man's done a decent job considering... What the fuck are you saying, JJ? I feel like I'm trying to sell a boat. It's just getting worse. works. I'll give you

the boat. You can have the boat. Just take it. Will MustChamp is our boat, man. Now, if he's a boat, why don't we buy this boat? He's a boat that everyone's complaining about it, not sailing right, but there's a damn

hurricane of torn ACLs and so forth. So of course the boat's not going to sail straight. Do you want the boat? That's the question. We'll give you the boat. Do I want the boat? Jason, do you have like a family event that needs a coach we will give you the boat um my uh my uh my fifa team

you want a kneeboard we'll throw a kneeboard in the new manager so jeff driscoll is the kneeboard it'll it'll be full of gas when we drop it off yeah give you a sixer no why would we'll must jump be full of gas oh you've obviously not listened to one of his press conference it's too easy friend just teeing it up right there you know what i mean we've always asked for balance on offense i can't even it's gotten to the point where it's not like i can't watch his press conferences i can't follow along on twitter with the people i know who are tweeting out quotes i have to turn twitter off i get too angry but to get back to your question i'm sorry we got distracted You want to know who Vandis should hire, but I hope that they do hire Mike Loxley.

I hope they go back to that. Well, they say, you know what? Here's a young man doing things in Maryland. Good recruiter, because Mike Loxley in Nashville, he's going to do some damage. Oh, God. And bonus, Vanderbilt fans, you won't have to wonder about the race of your coach. Why are you staging a fight club at Pearl Cone High School, Coach Loxley? It's called Cruton.

You all need to learn. Why'd you get into a fist fight with Kenny Chesney? He just wanted a helmet and a tiny jersey. I just want to see the headline, NCAA sanctions Vanderbilt, four-year bowl ban. Coach Locksley, why'd you try to expense a taser? Why'd you try to expense ten tasers? Bottom from Bud. Oh, good Lord.

No, I think another guy for that Vanderbilt job, while we're selling people on the job, we've consistently pushed for jobs because it's not that we want you to have the best coach. We want you to have the best coach for our purposes. And that would be a man who could really bring some heaven to Vanderbilt, which would be Houston Nut. That's fulfilling the Houston Nut prophecy, which is that Houston Nut must at one point in his life coach every ever. SEC team wants. He'll get to him. He'll get to him. Now, one argument could be, you know, they have trouble filling the stands. Here's a man who, um, has been, has proven himself capable of delivering people in bulk, just sheer, sheer cargo tankers full of humans. Yeah, I was going to say, you're making him sound like a human trafficker. Yeah, yeah. He's, well, Houston up basically is, you don't find 38 people

on a signing day or whatever it was without some sort of dabbling in the underworld. He's a coyote. That's what you're saying. Sure, sure. Which, that's exactly what Vanderbilt needs. A coyote. You know, like I was on the Mexican border, prowling, picking people up, getting them on board. Plus, Vanderbilt, private institution, not subject to the state freedom of information laws.

Oh. It's the Wild West up there, man. We ought to go take that job. Thus defanging Houston Nutt's number one weakness besides football. the foia sexting the foia oh I really wish

I would love he's invincible now you can't kill him he's going to win five games a year no matter what you do he was successful at Boise State

I'm saying he built that program I like the idea of him going to Vanderbilt and like Hogville trying to take him down just just distantly just finding things

he'd done wrong in Nashville right? Like, I heard he missed his cable attachment appointment. The man was there. He waited for 15 minutes. He called and texted. Nothing. Wasted his time. That's a felony under Tennessee law. Speaking of successful former Boise State coaches, I got a man who already owns plenty of black and gold, Dan Hawkins. Oh, the Hawk.

You know, he got plenty to prove. You know what, guys, we're going to get a lot smaller. I want none of you to eat this off. Already, you know, at Vandy, schools like Stanford and Northwestern, you have to be a national recruiter. You can't just focus on their geographic area. This is a man with who's already worked with a national scope. Granted, the nation was Canada, but still. I got this great 160 pound left tackle for Manitoba.

He'll recruit the hell out of Alberta. We're out of Canada references, I think. There's one called St. John's, isn't it, in Canada? Yes, sir. Yep, that's right. Yep. The teams that made college football great didn't have a lineman who weighed more than 205 pounds. Yeah, think about that.

In the 1872 national title game, there weren't anybody over 114 pounds. Let's get back to basics. Yes, that's great. You talk about going old school. We're going old school. I want you all to have this polio. Half you need to get syphilis. And the other half will also get syphilis.

That's kind of how syphilis works. Should be pretty easy. We're in the Bible Belt. Just try to remain abstinent. You'll all have syphilis in three days. But yeah, why not? Why not? Why not, Dan Hawkins?

There's no argument against it. There you go. Literally none. Also, amusing to me that in the coaching carousel, a couple of people have lost. One, Jeremy Pruitt, going from Florida State to UGA, which is something no one understands. Like, that it's not.

necessarily a move up. I think it could be argued that the UGA and Florida State jobs are at this point pretty lateral. Can we start an irresponsible rumor that Georgia secretly promised him that Mark Richt will retire or be let go within two years and then he'll become the head coach? Yes. All right. Well, I think we could pretty fairly speculate that that Mark Richt would at some point

would want to dedicate his life to something a little bit more ethereal than the game of football. You're talking about... High diving. Yes, high diving. Either high diving or cable television. Assassin's Creed 4.

Assassin's Creed 4. It's supposed to be a really good game. Mark Rick just will not stop talking about it. There's a lot of high diving in Assassin's Creed 4, though. I would say there's actually. It's like every Assassin's Creek game. It's got a high dive. Yeah.

Except you jump into a hang fail. No athlete closer to God than the high diver. That's true. Or the assassin. Maybe this is it. Like if Mark Rick retired Mark Rick is an assassin He is

It's a whole thing It is There's a back story Yeah There's always a backstory He is He did He did go to Miami

So That's true And then all of a sudden He's from like Oklahoma Or something It's not really an assassin If you're not getting paid to kill Oh sorry

Sorry Miami It's more of a hobby at that point That's just Let's just love of the game You know You just can't You just can't stay away from it I think at this point

If Mark Grich started his press conference by saying, I've missed a lot of things, you know, by working the hours that I do and by having the job that I do. And it's time to catch up on them. And you just arrayed all like six grand theft auto games. Just one at a time giving really like detailed borderline obsessive descriptions of each one, right? Fasten the furious four. I need to catch up on the. The death of Paul Walker really shook me. We open on little bow wow.

I haven't seen any of these. What is a man if he is not tasting the fruits of his labor? And he just sits in his lakehouse and watch his best in the furious movies for like a month straight. And does the Mac Brown thing where as soon as he retires his Twitter feed becomes interesting. So we have Mark Rick live tweeting an entire run through the fast series. Where are the traffic police? This would never fly in Athens. This would not stand in Athens.

I really don't believe an injection seat is a practical and or realistic piece of equipment, but you convince me otherwise, Fast and Furious. What's wrong with Vin Diesel's face? Could you imagine Athens Fast and Furious? The movie would be over in like a nip. Woo! It's like someone walks to his car and nope, nope, nope, nope, I didn't like your approach. The five policemen for every college student in that town pretty much nip any police chase

in the butt. Like Grand Theft Auto, Athens would just be like instant five-star wanted rating, right? It would just basically be the minning games. Yeah. Like, you can play putt-putt. You're golfing.

You cannot drive to puttut. You can roll. Drop your Starbucks on the street. Woo! Dropping Starbucks in an alley. Four stars. You better call the SWAT team, now. In the SWAT?

It's not, yeah, it's not a SWAT team you can evade. It's just, you dropped it. You're in jail. Yeah. Wasted. That game sucks. And then the rest of the game, you just sit there waiting for your public defender. Great.

Now I'm just going to see, like, every EGA player who gets arrested for some misdemeanor bullshit this season, right? Like, passed out on the bottom. There already was one. Yeah, there already was one, yeah. Shack Wiggins got arrested for, I believe, driving on a suspended license? Yeah, I think it was a license infraction. It was one of those being young and disorganized misdemeanors. Yeah, paperwork.

Basically, just like, son, get your shit together. Tickle the friend in the library. Yeah, exactly. Passed out on the floor of a bathroom and all of a sudden the Grand Theft Auto macro comes on, boom, wasted. Everything turns gray. I mean, passing out on the floor of a bathroom, that is kind of up there. Like, I think that's worse than, like, driving slightly poorly. That's pretty bad. Oh, but, by the way, we have...

I mean, not to judge anyone who's done that. I want to close on this. We have one, uh, one vacancy to fill. which I think segues nicely with passed out drunk on the floor of a bathroom. Oh, man. Arkansas lost their defensive coordinator today. So what are the job requirements to work with the Beals? You need a sick tat. You totally need a sick tat.

It's kind of open-ended. It's probably better for you if you don't speak English. Not for the job, but for you, yes. Yeah, you don't want to read those letters. He's writing to random women. Because he'll make you edit him. That'd be an amazing thing of every assistant Brett Bielman ever had. It was completely illiterate in English.

Like totally not a speaker of English before he got them. He's like, oh, what do you do? I just coach him up. All fluent in three months. It's one of my gifts. Aaron Andrews, before I met her, didn't speak English. Look at her now. Are you saying Aaron Andrews used to be a Brett Bihlema assistant?

Is this it? Well, she did go to the University of Florida, so. Okay. That was the rumor that they had dated. That's not, that she's illiterate. That was the rumor. Who started that rumor? I just did now.

I just did. Don't leave her alone. She's not the illiterate correspondent at ESPN. That's Tom Rinaldi, who's overcome a lot. A lot. Echo location is a form of literacy. Oh, my God. God, is Tom Rinaldi Aquaman?

Is he a dolphin? That would explain so much that like Aquaman gets bored and he's like, I guess I'll become a weepy correspondent for college football. I'll tell you what, Tom Rinaldi stepped it up this year. He did. The sea is an inconsistent of trying to make everybody cry. That dude delivered all year long. You remember he wore George on camera, right?

Yes, he did that too. Yes, he did. And flip the script was very fun this year. Yeah. We saw a lighter, more active and funny Rinaldi. You think he's entering his silver years? I think we're hitting prime Rinaldi right now. Yeah, this is going to get good.

Yeah. Just wait until next year. He's going to be battle wrapping and doing card tricks. Tom Rinaldi's doing David Blaine-style tricks where he's like, hold this apple. Oh, my God, your ace is in the middle of it. And now here's Tom Rinaldi telling a dirty uncle joke. He's going to murder Paul Feinbaum on air. But in a fun way.

To the applause. It's an inspirational way. To the applause of thousands. Including everyone on set. It'll be like one of those big patriotic assassinations like, Friends, Ferdinand. Some cultures think if you burn a man's body, his soul will never find peace. If you stab Feinbaum, though, it's just going to be sand that comes out. Sand and bugs.

And then he'll just wind himself back up. But we do have to fill that defensive coordinator spot, which is where I'm just going to go ahead and recommend it. Old Hand, probably still knocking around Memphis since he was most recently coaching with Halmonomey. Let's bring Jolie Dunn back. Yeah. Jolie Dunn, barefoot Joe. 335, Sacramento? Let's bring that 335 over to Little Rock slash Fayetteville.

I mean, it's crazy, but y'all already hired John L. Smith. I constantly get him confused with Joe Don Baker, so I'm going to pretend that's who you're actually talking about. It is. Joe Don Baker for defensive coordinator. He's still alive. He's from the Southwest. He will wear a hat. That's it. That's it. I don't know what else you need. He was in Fletch. He's out because he He speaks English already

You don't know that Yeah, you forgot about that Come on, prove it Why, because he acted That's bullshit That's true He doesn't speak English He's just a really good actor

How do we know Brett Bealama speaks English Let me go this way You seen air bud You seen the later air buds Those dogs speak English You believe that Those dogs

You can't hold for everything, Spencer Boom God damn you guys have all the answer don't you need to look this up on snopes somebody somebody please create a snobes page can joe don't thinker speak English

I'm on it and then you know what I'm going to skip Wikipedia sheeple and I'm going to go to the real reference guide hogville.net they'll get to the bottom of this I've seen it cam trails over Fayetteville

it's actually just cheese whiz just dropping a fine mist of pork lard aerosolag pork lard that sounds pretty good why are we so happy you can thank that B-52 up there just spitting out the sweetest evil

you'll ever feel on your skin no but that does sound pretty good and by B-52 you mean Fred Schneider flying to the sky no no no he's illegal in Arkansas for a lot of reasons just Ryan Mallet lobbing passes over the whole state

Pass is made of cheese All right, we'll end We'll end there Passen's made of cheese That'll do it every time That'll do it That'll do it