Shutdown Fullcast - Shutdown Fullcast 3.12.0

Episode Date: July 22, 2015

PURE FOOTBALL EROTICA. That's not an exaggeration, we discuss pure football erotica this week, or at least what we find to be erotic in the game of football. I mean, before that we all talk about BET Uncut returning, but yeah: definitely some football erotica after all the talk about BET Uncut. Get your towels, because it's gonna get steamy! Also the cleaning crew did not come last night and there's some pretty disgusting stuff on these benches. In addition to the following suspiciously football-like topics. --Gus Malzahn suggesting a freshness seal and/or born-on date for SEC teams is a necessary thing --Houston Nutt appearing at Big 12 Media Days either looking for a job or scouting the Mary Kay Convention across the hall --A list of things Art Briles could say out loud and not get prosecuted for --A record total of coach imitations and serial killer references --How Ryan and LaDainian Tomlinson are basically the same person Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the 3.12, episode 3.12, of the shutdown fullcast. We are currently in the midst of the summer, but this is summer media days, which means that we have the Big 12 popping. We have the ACC on a low boil in the back. We have coaches saying stuff going back and forth. We have actual meta content that we could be discussing this week, which is why it is important that we start with the important issue of the day, and that is the return of B.E.T. Uncut. What that thing smelled like! I watched that video so many times, and I never actually enjoyed it, but God, I watched

it a lot. Sure did watch it. Sure did watch it. B.A.T. Uncut, the return after years in the wilderness of the most controversial show on VET, last episode aired July 8. 2006. And by the way, this is how you know, it was a doomed franchise. It was hosted by Jermaine Dupree. Aw. Aw. Oh. Come on. I can't make a joke about the man's house being repossessed.

Wait, was he married to Janet at the time? I don't remember how the, I don't remember how the timeline sinks up there. But I can't imagine Janet Jackson would have been thrilled. Well, BET Uncutt did for me hold, I think, the record for the most stunned I have been coming home drunk and watching TV. Yeah. Yeah, because I never came home sober and watched BET on cut. I always just rolled right into turning it on and going, forgetting that it was average BET thinking I was going to get censoring and then saying, well, somebody's made a drastic mistake. That's a birth canal. Yeah, that's a birth canal on cable.

If you watch the video for Ludacris' Pussy Popping, that was the first time I turned on VET uncut. And it was filmed here in Atlanta, and it features a birth canal. There's just a full-on, it's a really great explanation of how everything works down there. And that's exactly what they showed on TV. And I thought I was so drunk when I turned it on that I thought, yeah, I'm making that up. Yep, I'm seeing things. Nope. Yeah, the title of that song, it's actually.

That also, BET Uncutt, I think, probably met its peak when the creation of the video for Tip Drill happened, which Tip Drill now being, I think, most notable for the sheer number of Ray Buchanan jerseys in the video. Do you think Ray paid for that product placement? Ray rented out his house for the video. Correct. Oh, so they just showed up and they were like, oh, shoot, we were supposed to bring Jersey shit. Yeah, the mansion that is being used and, like, splattered in fluids for a solid, like, nine minutes belongs to, at the time, to a pro football cornerback slash Christian rapper. Grabe Buchanan, of course, did drop a gospel rap album around the same time that the butt crack swiping was happening.

Man, that's got to be a hell of a VRBO listing. You can stay where the tip drill video was filmed. We haven't cleaned it. Warning, there's all of these old Baltimore Ravens jerseys all over the place. Just so you know, the Windex did nothing. That's exactly. The actual credit card that Nellie used in the video. It's still here.

It's not good. It was never good, really. It's sealed in amber. Dust it for prints. Don't use a black light on any of this house. Oh, God, no. Any single part of this house. Actually, I think if you did, it wouldn't even like register.

Like, the black light wouldn't even know what to. make look any different. It's all white. I think that means clean, right? All white means clean. Good to go. It doesn't mean seminal fluid everywhere, right? Yeah, it couldn't possibly.

There's no way it could have gotten up on that side of the ceiling. It could be something more benign like blood from a murder. That's true. Wow. You never know? Wow. See? Can't rule it out.

Glad I just made that so much more. Oh, Miss New Booty was also on. That's true. That was great. Yeah. So, we fun. memories of, you know, just staying at home by yourself watching strange, strange videos.

The best part was being married at the time and coming home drunk. I mean, like, honey, take a look at that. And your wife's like, I've married the wrong human. Look at this. This has all gone sideways. I'm learning about biology. Look at this. Can you do that? Please, where's another not going to have?

Go to bed. I'll buy you a Ray Buchanan, Jersey. You might even find those videos erotic. Oh, can you see the segue? It's coming. It's coming. The segway's coming. Wow, is it?

It sounds like it is. Yeah. As erotic as Brett Bilemo would find a kneel down at the goal line to beat Texas. I hope he petitions B.E.T. Uncutt to, like, put that up. Oh, please. Like, Brett Bilemon was single at the time. Do you not think that Brett Bilema does not have an encyclopedic? Honestly.

Not that it's a BET uncut. I'm shocked that we haven't discovered that he was in a BET uncut video. that would not surprise me if you were just like oh yeah the waiter who comes in and starts slow grinding that was beelima slow that was very slow 26 year old beelma he was no extremely slow grinding he was bubba spark stunt double oh god we just figured it out hmm done and done that's where he was go back and look at him mr new booty he wrote bubba a lovely letter moving, and that's how he got the job. Not moving too fast.

No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. The moving, the emotions were moving slowly. Low and slow. That's how Beelma dances. That's what the tractor from in the mud is for. You just get on that. You move very slowly from video

to video. The thing that he found erotic was a kneel down on the goal line after pounding Texas for the better part of four quarters of football. I ask you, what is what is your moment of football erotica jason kirk wow um well like as far as personal fandom goes i don't think there's anything that would rise to that level because like the only

team i really care about as in the nfl no no no that's more that's more like no i'm talking the moment in any game where somebody pulls this move or this situation and the hairs on the back of your neck rise. Oh, I know the answer to this. Well, go ahead then, Ryan. The onside kick when you're already up like four touchdowns just to be. Oh, so we're not talking about specific moments. No, no, no, no.

Just categories. Oh, okay. Just like, oh, yeah, we're beating the shit out of you, but we want to get a little live practice in here. So we're just going to go onside eat a dick. Yeah. Love it. Or the same thing applies to, like, a fake punt.

Any time where the gentlemanly sportsman-like thing to do would just be to kick it away let the game go on and you're like nap bucket i'm gonna go for it i hate you i hate you in your whole family yeah i hate everything you stand for hope nothing but the bad things life happened to you on side if you want a specific answer mine also involves texas and it's texas losing to jerry new heisle yeah oh man that is some niche erotica right there which which kind of in in person to put that in perspective maybe should calm bret be him down a little because yeah you beat the shit out of texas jerry newheis will be texas too i don't think nothing's gonna call him bert down no it it it hey texas hey just because you're not texas

this first time it's still i mean listen don't let's this is experienced but that's okay they've they never they had been that far before but it didn't matter usually it was with b yu so which don't tell anybody about that every everything b yu did to Texas with an honor code violation. I think Texas just gets better and better at this. And by this point, Texas is great. Oh, Texas, you flexible. Texas does this obscene sex act for the first time.

I bet that's not true. Not so fast. I know that's what the title says, but come on. I, the act of, like, there are some things in football that are just, like, some things in college football. Because, by the way, like, the day that we had, like, online. a bunch of people arguing about, like, stuff that doesn't matter whatsoever, some of which we'll talk about. Oh, Jesus, do we have to?

That's what we do. Yeah, we'll do a little bit of that. So we thought we would actually, like, take a breather, talk about the good things, talk about the things that sort of make you tingly, right? Mine is the perfectly executed play action palm downfield. Oh, oh. You mean the one where, like, the quarterback hesitates for just a second with his back to the field? Oh, yeah, like, doesn't give a fuck.

Right, right. As if to say, no, the running back definitely has the ball. He definitely has it. Like, let's see, 2003, Florida State Clemson. Yeah. Chris Wanky. Chris Winky pulls, like, such a great play action move that he actually is standing in the end zone not looking.

Isn't even concerned about Clemson finding it. And then he hits, I think it's Snoop Minnis. He hit Snoop Minnis for like a bomb, like a 98-yard bomb. That's Bobby Bowden going against his own. son put it on you put on you put on you son you go you're going to come to dad you know you better you better be ready better be ready son uh like that or joey harrington uh Oregon Colorado and I think that was the holiday bowl oh Joey harrington throws this like time off of a play action pass Jeff Tedford was the offensive coordinator at the time and it just clicks it's all so

beautiful like the field just opens up it looks like it all looks like some sort of horrible accident happening to the defense out of design. Oh, that's just beautiful. For Alabama fans, that would be, I think, Amari Cooper in let's see, the 2000, is that the 2013 SEC championship game

when they run like nine times, ten times in a row and then immediately throw a bomb to Cooper and he's open because Bama's been gashing them on the run and then he's just, there's nobody near him. Yeah, that was the one against Georgia where it was third

or fourth quarter, everyone's just like, oh, it's coming. It's coming. It's coming. Yeah. I think for me that that setup is probably what does it. Like when a team just runs like 12 times in a row, and it's like, they just don't care about balance at all right now. They're not doing like the recommended offense thing where it's like you do both things just because they're doing what's working, but you just know that that big play action

stinger is coming. I love that. I love the front side sack by a defensive tackle. I'm not talking about blind side hit that snaps the neck. I am not talking about the front side hit, although that's nice. You beat the right tackle off as either an end or a linebacker, and you completely plaster the quarterback. I mean, that's nice.

But nothing to me is better than Starload of Lela had a great one of these news at Utah, where you just destroy the guard or center and mall into the backfield. and it's like the unseen footage from Grizzly Man that you never got to see. That's like, yeah, that's some Danny Shelton shit, too. Oh, yeah, Danny Shelton was great at that. That's some Warren Sapp shit that is straight out of the Indomacan Sue playbook. Yeah.

Oh, that's delightful. Oh, it is. It's great because there is no subtlety to it whatsoever. A man is destroyed. The quarterback has like the fear of God in his eyes and is just swallowed, like, Unicron swallowing a planet, right? Just... Oh, it's beautiful.

Love you, Galactus. Love you, Galactus. The cuddliest supervillain. Ryan, what say you? I already answered this question. How do you already forget? No, you got another one. I have another thing to pick that's erotic?

Of course. It's football. How can there not be? I don't think Jason is not off the hook on this. Okay. I like I really do enjoy when like dumbass fullback who has no role in the game

other than to block and block well randomly, and this only happens maybe once every five games just like leaks out onto the weak side runs that like unintentional sort of

combination sort of flat that turns into a wheel route and just nobody's catching him and they're just like god they threw it to Jerry shit he never he never gets the ball because Jerry like Jerry from Parks and Rec yeah running with his unusually wide ass they threw it to fullback gurgit shit Larry Jerry damn it that's not that's maybe not erotic but it is sort of like it is sort

of tingly in a different way all right all right I got I got one now I got one now it's when a screen gets completely sniffed out, snuffed out, like this real clever screen that maybe it worked last week, maybe it's worked a time or two so far in this game, either the defensive end just realizes it's hold up, hold up, they're trying to play me, so he just backs up and gets all in the middle of where the ball's going, or it's just that heat-seeking missile from the secondary coming in and just annihilating dude as soon as he catches the ball. That's just gorgeous to me. Because like screens, most of the time, that's, that's just, just easy money that's just you know free three four five yards low you know low risk maybe you break a big one so to see a screen actually get destroyed and actually turn into a bad thing that's pretty beautiful anytime i that's that's an example often of a safety recognizing a play anytime a safety absolutely demolishes a play single-handedly i just i blossom with joy anytime a safety sees what's happening three seconds before everyone else and ruins life for somebody.

And I'm not just talking about them annihilating somebody like when somebody tries to go over with a bubble screen and they just blow through the block

and intercept it. Oh, oh, that's active hooting in the household. I'm going to go one more. This is not on the field, but it's right off the field.

And that is the rare instance where the coordinator starts screaming at the head coach. And it doesn't happen often because it's not supposed to happen. But holy shit. When the coordinator just starts fucking screaming at the head coach. And the head coach is just like, I have to set the example, I can't punch him in the solar plexus.

I really want to punch him in the solar plexus, but we're on television right now. Or just openly assaults them. Yeah, that's good too. That's really good as well. I'm very fond of the moment when the coordinator is caught clearly on the verge of a nervous breakdown. There are two instances I can think of. one, a shot of David Cutcliffe when he was the offensive coordinator at Tennessee

and Eric Aange was his quarterback. They flash up there. The game is on the line. It is shortly before Eric Aange is about to throw a game killing and season killing interception against LSU. Love you, Eric. And it's before and they show

up to the booth Cutcliffe and all of the colors drained from his face. I mean he looks like a man about to die. And you can tell that he knows where the ball's going and he knows what's going to happen. And he can do nothing about it. And he screams out, ball!

And as the play happens, like, he knows and he sees it and he can't do anything about it. It's so bad. The second is Dan is a young graduate assistant, Dan Mullen, in the back of the booth on the booth cam, as Notre Dame runs out of clock Oh yeah Like Notre Dame Like Bob Davy lost two games In like three games

Out of three games early in the season once He lost two of them on time management alone That's that good shit And now look at him And now look at him He's fine But yeah there's a shot where like They don't have timeouts

And the clock's running out They can't get a playoff And Dan Mullen is in the back And he looks like a man Who's watching someone he loves be killed This look you're describing also happens occasionally to the interim staff that is left after the coach. Head coach has left or been fired. And they're just sort of, and they, you don't have that exciting West Virginia moment where it's like, yeah, we're going to rally for this guy.

Where it's just sort of like, oh no, oh, oh, no. Everything's, everything's bad. Everything's sour. It's also a big fan of Jimbo Fisher, like, against Virginia when they lost Virginia and they're out of timeout. Yeah, absolutely. Going to his knees and collapsing, like going to his hands. Get down there and start terraforming. Yeah.

He was about to oxygenate Mars. And that's how Minecraft began. Jimbo needs to sue, man. I've seen that guy's house, Mr. Minecraft. Have you? Oh, I thought you meant Jimbo's house. Yeah, no, Jimbo and I think. I thought you had some science to drop re Jimbo's house.

I mean, there are people in college football I think I could hang out with and be perfectly fine with, I don't know if Jimbo and I'd have much to talk about. We just have to go kill something. He might be happy not talking though, right? I don't think so. Have you heard him talk? Yeah, but I always interpret, like, Jimbo

Fisher's incredibly fast cadence as, let's just get this over with. Let's just get this over with. Let's get it all done. Let's get over with. I'm tired of human communication. I'd just like to get this over with as soon as possible. We also have another story to talk about, oh, hey, who's

Who's Auburn's had coach, Jason? That'd be Gus Malzon. Oh, and does he have opinions about the depth of the SEC schedule this year? Coach Malzahn does have opinions about the Southeastern Conference. I think we would like to state beforehand, by the way, that we all believe in Auburn. Sure. Why wouldn't we? Absolutely. I don't know in regards to what, but absolutely.

I think if there's one thing you can say about Auburn is that they find a coach who can leave them to success, and they ride that hand out and they let him leave on his terms. It's true. They're givers. They're a family. Yeah. They let things unfold naturally.

Every coach has that. Do not resuscitate order. You know, it's a circle of life thing. Do you think Coach Chisick's going to pull through? No, pull the plug. Pull it. Pull it. That's how I'd want it. That's what he told me in 2011.

I'm not even comatose, guys. I've seen Kuzzi. I've seen Kuzzi. cuckoo's nest, just scroll, get down to the end. Hurry up, fast forward. Just smother him. Go, go, go, go, go, go. Pillows over my first, gosh.

No, that's just how his voice sounds, because he's all jaw. Keep going. His whole jaw. You need two pillows. It's a massive block. Yeah, so it's like, it's like, you're suffocating jizzik while looking up like, oh shit, Bama's got a new porch in front of the house. That's why Terry Bowden got out of town.

That's true. He's like, so, Terry, have you updated your will? Out of there. He's a wily little junklet. Smart man. I'll hide an Akron. No one will find me there. And they haven't.

That's true. No. Yet. Yet. The, he didn't have opinions, though, Malzahn. Because right now, you should know, the SEC always manages to preempt. It's kind of this evil dick move that they do. They always manage when the ACC and the Big 12 are having their media days.

SEC runs all of their coaches through ESPN all at once. for their car wash follow-up media days during everybody else is media days is what a thin fucking premise to just shit all over other media days oh it's a car wash your ESPN what the fuck are you talking about oh it's the ice cream social no you're just being dicks just own it it's basically the soup and brunch meals that you make out of SEC media days right yeah oh these ingredients are old we'll just call it brunch we'll just run it the next week We're going to make chicken stock out of this, Hugh Freeze. It's going to be great. It is good that, like, it gives coaches a chance to, like, walk back the bad opinions they had during media days. Like, hey, Coach Sabin, thanks for joining us. You said this whiny thing about the NFL draft. Do you want to explain why that wasn't whiny?

And then he gets to say, well, oh, you know, it was the NFL network. It was misinterpreted, blah, blah, blah. He gets to say all the things he should have said the first time around. It's like they get a whole do-over on media. days. It's a media days mulligan. Well, everybody gets to do this. And in his attempt to do this, Gus Malzahn, Gus Malzahn went ahead and introduced a bad

opinion. Look, it's not his fault. He didn't get that bad opinion out the first time around. That's true. He's known for not being fast enough, not getting, you know, not getting plays called quickly enough. He left something in the playbook. He didn't want to tip his hand. Listen, hey, You've got to get it out there. Listen, haters, I'm going to be a contrarian and just say that in the hurry up Gus Malzahn media offense, he's just trying to get another play out there.

That's true. He's just trying to show you something else you have to be worried about, right? Another formation. But what he said was basically to the effect of, well, it's harder for the SEC to succeed in the playoff format because we have to play in the SEC and not some Babytown League like the Asia. CCC or the Big Ten. Yes. Per Travis Haney of ESPN.

Hey, Trav. Auburn's Malzon told me he thinks the SEC's at a disadvantage in the college football playoff because of the strength of the league. Others fresher for the playoff as a result. Do you know what this is? This is when you live with somebody who's not employed at the time. Maybe it's a partner. Maybe it's, you know, a roommate.

And that person has responsibility. cleaning the house, baby taking care of children, and you decide to come home after a bad day at work, and you run your mouth to the effect of, well, I'm the one at work all day, busts my ass, while you're just sitting around the house, and that's when you've stepped in it. Yeah.

That's what Gus Malazahn did. He came home and told you that you were just watching Soaps, Big 12, ACC. see, why don't you go out there and get a real job? Well, Daddy's out there making the kill. Well, Daddy's out there losing the Outback Bowl. Daddy's out there. Out there going eight. Law Tech.

Going out there and going out there and going eight and five. Elback Bowl said we had to put in overtime hours. You think I want to be there? Of course, I'd rather be home with you watching Dr. Phil, but that ain't my life. I work. Three goddamn jobs, including one against Samford, just to put food on this table. I got to go on the road to Manhattan, Kansas, just to keep you happy, just to keep you shopping at T.J. Max. That's a fair point now.

Oh, yeah, all right. That is a lot to ask. That's hazard pay. That's essentially charging somebody for coaching and animal husbandry. Because I know what y'all do in Kansas, y'all. And it ain't natural. So this is what Gus Melzon said. And frankly, I don't even know if there's any point in discussing whether it's right or wrong.

because you're pretty much just going to decide whatever you believe. I dare think it's possible that Gus Mal's on maybe making an excuse, and he may also be right at the same time. It's totally possible. Yeah, I mean, it's probably kind of right, but it's not the kind of thing you say. There's like there's no way for this to come across anywhere near, you know, the correct way. It's not going to do anything but galvanize Auburn fans to be more insular

as if that could be possible. What I like about the SEC is so hard excuse is that it insulates you, in theory, from everything. You lose nine games, SEC's hard as hell, don't know what to tell you. You accidentally sell your car because you got drunk. Hey, all that SEC stress didn't know what I was doing. Too focused on next week. If I coached in a boom boom conference, I would have been able to focus and not realize that I was listen the car on eBay. I'm sorry. You, you wreck your motorcycle with a volleyball player on the

back? Hey, man, listen, I had to go to Alabama last year. I recruit in the SEC. The recruits don't come to me. I have to come to them on a motorcycle with this volleyball blonde. Officer, I have to play Florida cross-division every year. What do you have to do? I like that, by the way, I like that you made him less miles. Like, like, the drunk, like, the drunk and or reckless driver is less miles like course I was going the wrong way down the road I got to play Florida every year it rubs off at some point

exactly you're just going to become mediocre by association like there's going to happen less miles driving the wrong way on the highway either he does that all the time or it's like the most unfathomal thing to him like either it's like this is an adventure

or it's like just a horrifying concept or that less miles has never actually been on the other side of the road that he's only ever driven on the right side of the road side of the road and that he's only made like like he's only made circles every time he's driven nope i only make rights yeah if you're like hey les wouldn't it wouldn't it be funny if we went into the other lane like it just this wouldn't even enter his mind as a possible concept i didn't even know you could do that i don't know where those people are going yeah i don't even see them i don't

even see them i'm focused on going forward what you're crazy there aren't any people over there you could just make a you turn this is this isn't england yeah I've seen European vacation, and it's scared me off of that. Yeah, I don't, there's no, like, if you look at Auburn schedule, okay, I mean, it's hard. Like, it's actually, like, it's a more difficult schedule. How you can even say that with a straight face, looking at the Pact 12, it's difficult. I know it's hard. It's even more difficult in light of the massive, stinking, bathroom-wrecking turd that the entire,

SEC West late in bowl season last year. You're welcome. SEC West. He's just holding it down. Just holding it down. Just worn the fuck out, man. Like John Henry. That's right.

But yeah, that's, yeah, they beat upon each other. My favorite, by the way, as always, is the most What About Me fan base. The most what about me fan base. Because we don't do simple, crude, vulgarian things like saying the dumbest fan base is here on shut down full cast. No, we're not going to do. they're all pretty dumb but in terms of the most conceited and or the fan base that's like most willing to grab the mic when somebody else grabs an award and or scream what

about me it isn't fair whenever anything happens ohio state fans as always having like having like the dullest dumbest interjections especially when they have a coach who started all this shit who started all who started who dropped the first record God damn, you have the cool G-Rap of SEC shit-talking. You did. Actually, he was more like the Tupac because he did the East Coast to West Coast thing, right? And then he faked his own death. And then he faked,

wow. Damn. Damn. If we pull up that shirt and Urban's got the Thug Life tattoo? No, Shelley has it. That's why, fuck, Jim Tressel, you fat motherfucker. see this is all part of the plan right this is all part of the long arc of the plan urban beat ohio state and humiliated them so that he could eventually get the job my mind is

blown yeah and like for anyone um who who thinks we're being unfair this is all totally accurate urban mire invented this whole cc holler and stuff like it had his roots when auburn got um Auburn went undefeated and didn't make the title game but it really really took off when Urban Meyer took full advantage of it. He created this monster. In 2006, sure they were close victories, they weren't impressive, but that SEC's scheduled, boy,

just that in the championship game, just pushing us forward. Take a look at who the Big Ten plays. You're going to put them in that title game? Okay, we'll play them, sure. Go ahead. Makes all those traps in Last Crusade look like Cakewalk. Man.

Oh, Ryan has fully melted my mainframe. got to need a full replacement new servers and everything i'm beyond impressed uh anything else for media days by the way that we need to uh tackle before we move on to read her questions yeah i got one thing okay um so our friend matt rep check is at big 12 media days this week and he spotted a notable former college football coach somebody who is uh always on hand uh eager to explore new employment opportunities. A helpful man, we might say.

He was either there for Big 12 Media Days or the Mary Kay Convention that always overlaps Big 12 Media Days, which helps a lot with every lipstick on a pig imagery we want to use for the Big 12's championship scenario. I'm talking about Houston Nut.

And what I want to know is why do you guys think Houston Nut was there and was it for at the Mary Kay Convention? I'm going to say that he was under the impression that Mary Kay is a school in the, maybe the CAA or the Southland. Okay, yeah. Like a William and Mary, he got William and Mary screwed up? Yeah, something like that. Okay.

Yeah. Looking for some contacts with the Samaricay University. They hear they're visionary people. They, they, if they, to get the job done, they'll go door to door, just like I will. Mary Kay's nothing more but a coaching tree, really, if you think about it. And I want to be part of that coaching tree. I like their colors. The gentle pink, I think it's underrepresented in football.

I've got a lot of colors. Got a lot of colors. Plus, as a private organization, it can't be foiled. I appreciate that as well. Recruit's like the colors these days. They got a lot of them. They're good at getting people. people on board.

They're good at concealing their schemes. I also assume he was there for a job. That would be it. Continued networking and flesh pressing. Here's what I hope he was doing. I mean, there are some Big 12 jobs that may be coming open soon. True. But I hope that he went to Big 12 Media Day so that he can go to all the other schools that

are maybe thinking, look, we need to make a move, get into the Big 12. They're thinking about expansion. Let's not sit on this. And that way he can go to those schools and say, Hey, man, I know a guy. I'll get you into the party. Hey, listen, you hire me. I saw Charlie Strong just a week ago.

I just grease these wheels. I'm not in the fraternity, but I am rushing in the fall. Either that or like he went there under the impression that when these new schools join, they won't have a coach. Yeah. It's like an expansion. When y'all have that expansion franchise in Connecticut, hey, hey, hey. Who are you going to hire, huh?

You need a winner. I did that cotton bowl thing. Cotton bowl. I took Old Miss to two, two, two, two New Year's Day bowls. Fifty years. Fifty years, two New Year's Day bowls. Cotton, 50. Boise State.

Papa's coming home. I built that program. You know what? He kind of did it. I went like four and seven there in like 1990. Sir, five and six. Excuse me, sir Sorry, sorry coach

Champions Don't undersell him by a whole game, sir When y'all add them Jacksonville Jaguars Out in USF Tampa Hey, listen That's the school where I dropped in Through the rafters looking for an interview I've already done the reconnaissance

Pretty literally actually Perfect Yeah, that kind of happened He kind of is Tampa Batman Speaking of zombie coaches who can't get working anymore and just keep plugging. Dan Hawkins, champion this week, by the way. Oh, Jesus.

Yeah. Change the national bird. It's a bald hawk now. Yeah, that's right. Because guess who led the United States team to a championship in the IFAF World Cup of football? Do you think there is a coach or even a person who could lead the U.S. to anything but a world championship in American football? football will must champ no way the world would score zero points total and america we'd have negative i don't know how we'd have negative points no a point would dribble the right way or something

sissy napar intramurals france exactly like france may not beat us but if it was like france del sud oh shit yeah then yeah definitely we wouldn't lose to france because remember they're on part with us, but like Montenegro could like waltz in and like beat us at home without throwing a pass. Yeah, they're kind of the raging Cajuns of the world stage. The point is that Will Mustchamp is a horrible head football coach. We lost to Morocco, y'all.

I don't know what happened. Got bad news, America. That offense was just too spicy. That was a field hockey team. I don't even know what's going on. Oh, you know I can't handle turmeric. Oh, yeah. I bet Will Mustamp could even say turmeric.

It's a brilliant defensive coach, y'all. Good luck. War Eagle this year. The, we're good at questions. We should move to those for tonight because we have a number of them and I want to start with one of mine

an important case, which is maybe not football related but we're going to make it that way. Joshua Simmons at Joshua Simmons on Twitter. Question, does this sound like a cover-up to you guys too? That would be a story

about a spike in leprosy cases in Florida and experts believe armadillos are behind it. Does that sound like a cover-up to you? Are we suggesting that the armadillos are doing the cover-up? I'm going to leave this open to interpretation. I doubt the armadillos are doing it because armadillos are very stupid. You could underestimate them and still be way overshadry their intelligence. I mean, they're in Florida, so comparatively, they're pretty smart.

By the way, that's Florida typically sees two to 12 cases of leprosy a year. And boy, you're going to sleep much more soundly knowing that. But thus far, they've been nine in 2015. And they think it is because the experts, you can hear my finger quotes around this, say that this is because of, quote, people coming into contact with armadillo's, unquote. I mean, I feel like there's a lot about this subject I don't know, such as armadillos being carriers of lepros, apparently. You know, I'm just going to say this, and I know we don't get political on this podcast.

But if there's one major political figure in Florida who looks like an armadillo, it's Rick Scott, the governor. Look him up. Well, if there's any man who's probably been spending a lot of time in the woods lately in order to get away from troubles in life, man with his job, it's probably Jimbo Fisher. Oh, man, I thought you were definitely going to go Al Golden. No, no, no, no.

Do you see that starched white shirt? Do you think Al Golden ever goes into the woods? Jesus. That's not a man who functions well outside of a paved path sort of environment. That's true. He doesn't. He does, he does, he does, Al Golden dresses like the man who stumbles upon Dexter's crime scene, like halfway through the season. Whoa.

What? Yeah, he's, he's a man, uses a lot of gel in his hair, has an enormous, starch white shirt. He's a house cat. And much like that character, Al Golden will not make it to the end of this season. So congratulations. Boom! Dexter references, we hot. Thus leading,

by the way, to our conspiracy theory, next year's head coach at the University of Miami, Lane Kiffin. Yeah, he does have that sort of that psychopathic thing going on. And that, that, um, sort of that tone. And Layton Kiffin is handsome in the way

that a serial killer is handsome, where you're like, I don't think he's handsome, but enough people do that they are lured in by his trap. It's that sort of uncanny Valley kind of untracked. Right, where you're like, no, I objectively don't think he's attractive, but, you know, 10 to 15 women who haven't been found believed he was. Yeah, it's like you look at him and you're like, I see what you're getting at. Right, right. I see why this might appeal to some people who don't have a good sense of safety. Some people who are no longer with us.

Right. Does he celebrate the minute he realizes that his victims are his victims, right? Like, oh, look, there's a single person walking down a road and an isolated, unlit part of Miami at night. And you look, and his hands are already raised. Touchdown! Oh, hey. Hey, Tennessee, you need a ride?

Oh, going this way. What's that? Oh, yeah, there's no cell phone service on this road. Weird, huh? Hey, look, a well. Nothing bad will happen in the middle of the night to you. Trust me. So I think we agree that this is definitely a cover-up for Jimbo Fisher

spending too much time in the woods, bringing back armadillos, handing them to small children in Tallahassee as gifts, and then them contracting leprosy. So does he think that, like, well, found me some delos, these will do some good around the campus. These will occupy the students and keep them from raising hell. If I'm going to ban the students for bars, then what am I going to do? I got to give them something.

I got to give them an armadillo. You got to place bars with Armadillos. It's the only option I got. The only thing I can do, I'm going to give me an armadillo, then I'm going to take it. They can take care of. That's how you teach them responsibility. You can't beat an armadillo.

You can't rob an armadillo. It's got nothing to rob. You take that armadilla home. Everybody's going to take care of it. They're going to love that armadillo. They're going to learn responsibility. They're going to come back and be a better football player. And they're going to be a better NFL draft when they eventually go in the NFL draft

and hornswogle somebody out of at least one signing bonus. That's what I am here for. That is what I'm here for the university for. And they're going to know some stuff about science. They're going to know some stuff about zoology. Jimbo gets Dillow's paid. Jimbo's going to get an armadillo. Like, he's going to get an armadillo drafted by the Buffalo Bills, man.

Browns are going to take him first round. They'll be like, listen, the mobility is suspect. His hands need work? Yeah, but, you know, he played in that system. But he just finds out. He's got thick skin. Hard nose, he's got thick skin. I know that armadillo.

He's not all that mobile. He doesn't walk off the field because he's too slow. The play starts. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. He's always on the field. He's always in the gym because he can't find a way out. You can't get this kid out of the film room, literally. Literally.

You need a gun. He's trapped. Or whatever. You need to call pest control to get this kid out of the wait room. Tell you what, this kid kept his nose clean, too. No run-ins with the law. Did he get hit by a police car that was ruled to be not his fault. There's no police report, though.

Of course not. It was ruled it was ruled Tallahassee police was fault. TPD found no evidence. It's fired three cops over it. Armadillo is named the sheriff. What a trash heap of a place. Just a garbage scow of a cultural node. So like I said, I hope that everybody is fine.

It's not leaving leprosy anymore, damn at its Hansen's disease. God, CNN, you're terrible. question jason kirk you got one sure sure sure sure sure sure um let's see the first one comes to us from our friends at our daily bears the world's greatest bailer resource could art bryles get away with the crime and if so which um the first the simplest explanation here is yes and any crime to which he would like personally confess because the man everything he says is so confusing that he could try and tell you in bryl's speak that like he kidnapped the president and you'd be like man that sounds real cool that's that's just some real good Texas wisdom you just dropped like like today if you see the university of texas trying to kidnap anybody these days i don't think so yeah i don't know what he just said about kidnapping the president but that's just a real cool texas idiom for you know doing your job like like today if i could read a briefly extended quote from him today at big 12 media days he

said why do criminals get caught because all of a sudden let's say i was a policeman i get lucky and catch him walking out of a house. No, it's because I've studied him, and I've watched his previous crimes, and guess what? He goes at 10.15 at night. He parks his car, two houses down, and he calls a cell tower, and lo and behold, two weeks later, he's doing it again. We're watching his phone, and we go catch him. You can't do the same thing over and over again, or you'll get stale and get beat. To me, that's the exciting part.

Like I said, I've been doing it since 1979, and I feel like I'm a baby. I do. I feel like a little baby. And if I act up, take my blanket away. That's just good stuff, man. That's just good stuff about football or, I don't know. I don't know if he just confessed to something. something or what but yeah i think he's telling us that he's tapped gary patterson's phone

yeah or at least stolen gary's car which you know if you can do that to a rival coach that's the that's the ultimate engagement ship you do that you do that every time that's like pillaging their fields hey plant and evidence is just you know farm and success i don't know what to tell you you put it in the ground conviction grows out of it it's just the ultimate play action Something we want out of our children? That's right. Multiple convictions? Let's play with multiple convictions.

That's right, dang it. Art could get away with it. He could get away with it in Waco. I mean, think about it. If, like, Waco's pretty lenient anyway, as long as you're the right kind of person. As long as you don't get the Federallies involved. Well, you know what?

You can get the federallies involved if you're bikers. That's, hey. You still don't, I mean, really, you can start a full-on firefight. You can literally do anything anymore. David Koresh had conviction. Tell you what? there's a man who played with convictions I'm a bad person

Ryan you're a terrible human do you have a question I do this question let's go with this this is sort of a combo question from J.D. at Giuseppe Johnson he asks if Donald Trump wanted to be the head coach of a Power 5 team which would be the best fit and why the flip version of that question

comes from Matt Berry at Matt Berry 05 and he says which coach is most likely to give out a rival's cell phone number at a press conference. Spencer, I know you already have the perfect answer to the first question. Donald Trump, Power 5, head coach. The most luxurious of universities with the most gold and the most famous people and the most, the highest curating with the most luxurious possible accommodations and accoutrement and surroundings, just with a tradition like no other.

and prices starting in the mid-8 billion's. And also, if you kick this log, it's hollow, because there's actually no substance to it whatsoever anymore. And that would be Notre Dame. So congratulations, Trump. Sad that fat, trashy, Rosie O'Donnell can't appreciate a premium football program like this one. Exactly.

I kind of already feel like they had Donald Trump as their coach. Because Charlie Wise, if you listen to the way he talked, he talked a lot like Donald's somewhere. Decided schematic advantage. Excited schematic advantage. A premium schematic advantage. A premium schematic advantage for, you know, only the most wealthy, the wealthiest of the wealthy alumni who want that premium class experience. These buildings don't have a certificate of occupancy because the Department of Buildings doesn't appreciate good things.

I don't do conferences. Conferences are full of losers and I don't associate with losers. I don't do that. I don't do that. Why would I silly my brand? Yeah, so actually I was going to say Trump, but you've already had Trump as your coach, NERDamey off the hook. Wow. And then who is the head coach most likely to pull a Donald Trump and give out a rival coach's cell phone number?

I think we all know. There's no question here. I mean, I wouldn't give out his number anything, but it is 813, 418, 9-2-80. I think it's during his annual salary rundown. Like, he just gives out Nick Savan's phone number. You call him and ask him. He'll tell you he's overpaid. He told me last week.

Hold on. Let me read off my phone here. I got the text right here I'd learn how to text just to do this Holds up his flip phone All right hold on Siri Siri

Call Strimpy There's also the matter of the person Who might give it out on accident Like I feel like Sparier Would just give it out of pure spite But then there's the guy who might give it out On accident Like Tim Beckman or something

Tim Beckman I feel like somebody could just like Tim Beckman be reading a statement Right and the statement would have like the contact info written in there and he would just he just wouldn't stop reading right he'd be like

he's reading the letterhead right exactly he's like University of Illinois coach Tim Beckman that's the wait that's thank you all for coming here for immediate release I like that

Tim Beckman just became like cookie monster anchor man he's the white tiquemba Matumbo basically of course he is I've always said that Lasagna Lasagna

Who wants to copulate with Tim Beckman Who wants to commit to Illinois I'll leave This is an Applebee's in Indiana Bye bye There's also the possibility Of Kirk Farrant's doing that and like no one even hearing because no one listens.

No one's listened to a word. Kirk France has said for a good seven years. Jesus Christ, he's just been reading social security numbers for years. That's all the playbook is. Kirk Ferrence is bought and sold by North Korea. My God. We made jokes about different people being the Zodiac Killer, but suspect number one, he's probably, go back and look.

Look at those beady dead eyes. Go look in some old transcripts of Iowa press conferences. I bet he's confessed to it. I bet he's more of the BTK type, where it's like, oh, yeah, he just seemed like such a good neighbor. Little did we know that he was maiming people, people we knew in our community the whole time. Yeah, like the glowing thing that comes out later, like they always do whenever the killer's a white guy. Like the, it wasn't so bad. It's like parents, there's like 20 quotes.

Like, he was the most boring guy on our street. And we live on a really boring street. When's that going to get old, by the way, when somebody's like, yeah, he just seems so boring and flat. I'm like, of course, he's a serial. killer. Next time on Unsolved mysteries. That should have been your clue, dummy. Yeah, like, oh my God, this man participated in the community

and dressed up like a clown. I'm like, yeah, of course he killed people. One man went to multiple outback bowls, but his neighbors never suspected that he was a killer. They never knew he was responsible for the deaths of so many Iowa games. I had no idea he was

the Iowa coach. If I'd known, I would have called the cops. Dude, stop singing that theme. song. Yeah, was that the unsolved mystery. Stop, that's scaring the crap out of me. I'm picturing aliens. I'm sitting in the dark in my backyard.

I am. I'm looking around right now. I'm a pair of really dark, open windows. I'm Robert. Man. Tonight on Unsolved Mysteries. The Huckai Killer. The Huckai Killer.

The scourge of Iowa City. Three undefeated seasons walked into a restroom and were never seen again. Remember when he was good? a decade and a half ago. The Blind River Killer. God, we've really focused on serial killers

a lot tonight. Oh, well, that time is the year. It's July 21st. Hooray, it's hot. Yeah, yay. Let's see, I think we have time for like two more questions. I'm going to do a quick one.

That's from Corbina Smith here. Wanted to know since Ryan tweeted out, final call for shutdown full cast questions and tagged Circuit City. Of course. A now defunct. Fox.

I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. Well, earlier we tagged the defunct Hulk Hogan, so. That's a gawker. I do like that the Circuit City account, it's profile right now. It's at Circuit City, Inc. It says, Tiendas de la Ciudad Circuito.

Estat attentos to the Onuncius. Circuit City, just lochie necessitaba. And it's got 291 followers. I think you found like a Spanish parody Circuit City account. It's possible. It's possible. Its last tweet was from like five days ago. And it's like the British Open is the only reason I like that Scotland didn't leave Great Britain.

Damn, that's a hot take, Circuit City, Inc. I know. I think it's legit. Corvina Smith at Corvina Smith wants to know if we price match we do not price match sorry i mean we do because this is free so it is we'll match well yeah yeah have you been have you been putting this on your tax forms have you been declaring this is incomes shit have you been borrowing against this podcast you get a yeah i've been i got yeah whatever that is good enough for georgia that's cool uh any other questions

gentlemen i think we got time for like one more okay uh i'll do this one from our good friend Dan Rubinstein, because it made me sad. He wanted to know, given your current sizes, how many different positions could you bulk up or lose weight to play? And what this led to in the SB Nation and New York City offices was looking up my current height and weight and comparing it to NFL players of yesterday year. And I learned that I should be La Danian Tomlinson. And I am not La Danian Tomlinson.

No, LeDenian Tomlinson was dense. Like super dense. Spencer should be David Cobb. Which is about right. Yeah. And Dan should be a, I guess, like a not very good cornerback who's had mono for a month. That's who he is. But if you guys had to in your current states of being bulk up or lose weight, what position could you play right now?

Not necessarily well. Like not necessarily tomorrow, but like a few months from now. You got a couple months to decide, yeah, I'm just going to, like, put on 30 pounds and, you know, be the saddest right guard in the world or go the opposite direction and try to be leaning in me. I could give you some time at safety. I could return a pun or two. Okay. Okay. I'm H-back.

I could get up to H-back or foldback. Okay. Because I'm at about 5-11, 2-22 right now. Mm-hmm. So I think I could easily gain 20, get up to about 240. And I would be, I'd have a play. and a half maybe in me of really a hell of a play boy if you've ever wanted to see an ACL fly off like a rubber band shut from the fingers of a fourth grader into the stands that's what you would

get to see but i could probably bulk up to be a decent sized fullback hback that type additionally i hope to run no more than three yards at a time yeah well that's good like hback you already got like you're like halfway to the land already right i think i'm best suited to be tight end who always runs his route three yards short of the first down marker no you don't dude you know who you could have played for you could have been one of those tight ends for michigan that always ran like the wagons oh yeah Brian i feel like you could be every player on kansas state they're all exactly the same size true oh my god dude you could be like a cast off gronkowski brother you could be like you could be the gronkowski bastard is it is it you could be a pass rusher wide receiver

anything. Oh my god. Is it too late to like retcon my life? Yeah, it's too late. Shit. Thanks, Mom. The eighth gronk. The long lost gronk. The worst Wu-Tang album ever. Straight from the eighth gronkowski.