Shutdown Fullcast - Shutdown Fullcast 3.13.0

Episode Date: July 29, 2015

The Fullcast goes way, way long this week, eclipsing the hour mark mostly because SOMEONE found Chris Berman's IMDB page halfway through the broadcast. (He was in The Program AND Necessary Roughness! He's practically the Jean-Paul Belmondo of '90s football films!) Topics: --Why "Hoosiers" sucks and how George Lucas is going to put CGI Jabba into a remastered "Birth of a Nation" --Why "Rudy" and most other college football movies suck, but also why "Rudy" sucks more than others, mostly. --A diversion into Werner Herzog narrating Syracuse football documentaries --A promise to buy someone a beer if they actually listen to a certain mysterious point in the podcast (which we will honor) --Seriously, you can get two free beers for listening to this whole podcast provided you see us in real life --Things that do not change year to year in college football, like Ohio State being good or our fictional Woody Hayes living in Hell because "Heaven's soft". --A discussion of "which program is the most Jon Bois" (it's Iowa State) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to this week's Shutdown Fullcast, the internet's only college football podcast that's named the Shutdown Fullcast. Joining me, and I am Spencer Hall, the editorial director of SB Nation, founder of Every Day, should be Saturday. Joining me from his slightly concoffinous backyard, somewhere in the wilds of Kennesaw, Georgia, is college football editor, Jason Kirk. Can you not hear me? I brought a bunch of bugs tonight. Jason comes to the party, brings a bucket full of cicada. It always sounds like he's at the bottom of where the Ark of the Covenant was stored when all the snakes start coming out.

Which I might be. Just up there living that cicada gang life. Indiana Cones. Also, chiming in and his lovely tariff, I like to call it a tag. Yeah. It's a warble. A reedy warbly tenor. Yeah. Ryan Nanny.

Should I start smoking? No, no, because then you're, you know who you'll sound like? No. Oh, the mom from throw mama from the train. Yeah, you'll sound the lowest. You'll sound like her. Well, that's pretty cool. Yeah, just start pounding whiskey. That's pretty cool. You'll end up, you'll end up sounding like J.T. the brick. The old sports talk guy.

You talk like this. That's not great. J.T. the. Rick. Why don't we have a theme song yet? Nobody's written it. Why has nobody written us a goddamn theme song? Is that how these things work? You just wait? I think that's how it works. I think you just sort of muddle along for a while, and then somebody with actual talent says, here, I'll give you this song for free.

Well, let's just put that out there. Before we start, if anyone wants to write us a theme song, go ahead. There. Go ahead. Just write us a theme song. I like how we're too cool to want a theme song. It's like if you would prefer to hear one, go ahead, send it over. Unless you like how our podcast just ends. I'm very fond of that.

I know you are. That's staying. It is one of your most annoying artistic affectations. I'm a big fan of the French New Wave jump cut. Yeah. That quick edit. it you know just get the godard ending every single time it's just like football it ends what it ends and sometimes that's pretty stupidly sure looking at you texas nebraska wow yeah one second

baby it's they get dark it got dark real anytime you bring bo polini into the casting that's true it is it's like it's like putting steve bishimi in a movie it always adds a hint of dark yeah you can only hope it has like a Cohen Brothers dark comedy feel to it. Otherwise, it's going to be weird. It's going to get grim. You're going to see some weird dick, probably. Yeah, you put him in a happy Madison production. It's just going to get dark.

You bring Bo Pellini into it. And no matter how much humor he may dress it up with, there's, you know, there's still an axe somewhere in the storyline. There's still a feeling like he might actually want to hurt himself or others. Yeah, big sad, psychotic eyes. The Steve Bishimi of College football, Bo Pellini. Go Penguins. Go penguins.

I hope you don't lose a game, Youngstown State. This week, we had a little curious discussion in our pre-show meeting, which was this, that we don't really have, you know, there's many sports movies, many. Ron Shelton made like half of them, right? Like he made like Bull Durham, Tin Cup, White Man Can't Jump, like Cobb. I don't think I've named half of them that Ron Shelton is made. but we had this discussion that there's not really a good or at least canonical college football movie, right? Not about college football as a thing. There are a handful of good movies about like a distinct story.

Like we are Marshall or something like that. But We Are Marshall is not like, oh, this is a movie about college football. It's about a thing and a team. Well, and I mean, I would call that a college football movie and I would call it a pretty good movie. and, like, you know, I think McConaughey's really good in it and all. Right, but it's not like, it's not like, definitive college football, you know what I mean? It's not like Hoosiers to college basketball, or high school basketball, which Hoosier sucks, as everyone knows and agrees without any controversy at all. Yep.

Yeah, this came up because of an article that our compatriot Roger Sherman wrote on SB Nation. Longtime host. Former, former host. Former before he was fired, yes. He wrote that Hoosier sucks. Which is a sentiment I largely agree with, because it's not a particularly good basketball movie. Because you got to pass like 11 times before, you know, you take a shot. You know who loves Hoosiers?

I have this theory that pretty much everybody who has two grandfathers has one nice grandfather and one just like prickly fucking grandfather. And prickly granddad fucking loves Hoosiers. Yeah, because he's like, that's how you do it. You get abusive. That's how you do it. You don't have anything handed to you at all. You don't. You don't have any minorities on the team.

None. And you don't consider that other team. Indiana's other team, by the way, with like Oscar Robertson on it, right? Not considered Hoosiers. That's my favorite part of the entire structure of the movie. They're like, this is the real Indiana. And here are these black people from the city.

Can we talk about the best comment? On Rogers' piece. Please. Please. I love that. I'm going to read it. I'm going to read just the first sentence. I'm going to read it verbatim.

This is from Awesome Reese 58, who certainly doesn't listen to this. First of all, this is when basketball wasn't all slam dunks and three points. And plus, this is based off a true story. So I'm pretty sure the movie isn't racist. Because racism was invented by Holly. Hollywood in 1985. Yeah, it actually only, it only exists in the Star Wars universe. Racism was invented on the internet by people who hate men.

Damn you, George Lucas. We were a united country until Jarjar. I think we were more united than ever. Yeah, I was going to say, there's a real turning point. Like, playing Birth of a Nation or George Lucas movie is pretty hard. Well, Birth of a Nation, they don't go back and, you know, release every 10 years. That's the difference. That's good. George Lucas's big project.

Go get birth of a nation to put CGI aliens all through it. It's going to do it. This is big dream. What the hell is Java doing in the back? What the fuck? He had a plantation? Why is he shaking hands with Himmler? That doesn't make sense.

And they're both smiling. Weird. Why is there a Diet Coke ad in the back? Product placement. there's never really like of all the movies like Hoosiers itself like suffers I think from you know like the good and the bad of most sports movies I think that the movie that came closest I think to actually embodying what I think we all might agree college football is as necessary roughness yeah I think that's I mean I still haven't seen all of it I gotta be honest

yeah I'm gonna be even more honest and say I've never seen any of it okay I'm gonna learn you up I'm not going to be mad at you. Peter Berks and I have plans to review it for ADSBS, but we haven't got around to it. I'll read that instead of watching it. Thank you. Thank you. Okay.

Well, you should know this. It's quality because it has Scott Bacula in it. It's like instantly. Who plays like a 37-year-old. Correct. And the best part is how many things necessary roughness got right? Because one thing they did get correct is like the 37-year-old transfer quarterback is Scott Bacula. Florida State went to a national title game using the,

this exact, and won a national title, using this exact rationale, using an ancient quarterback and Chris Wanky. So they called it before that ever happened. There is, there is a, I believe, he's either English or Australian. It's hard to tell with the accent. Kicker, which is pretty real. Which is very real. He smokes, which a lot of kickers do.

He's profane, which, yeah. There is a, let's see, there was a female, I believe, a female kicker, which happened well before any of the female kicking stories happened. It involves a coach who's up against it and decides to sell out in order to win it all in a desperate situation, which. Yeah, that all sounds right. Yeah. And it takes place in Texas. So it basically correlates desperate, small. school behavior to compete in the Lone Star State, which again, fairly realistic conditions.

So it's very cartoonish, but it gets a lot right about a lot of the sort of basic motivations and details that occur like at the level of college football. In addition to that, again, it has Scott Bacula. Do you know who Chris Winkie is older than? Chris Winkie's older than a lot of people. Who is he not older than? Well, he's older than Nas. That's really all I wanted to say.

Wow. He's older than Nas. That makes sense. Nas is 300 years old. How old are you think Chris Wayne is... That's because his mind is ancient. That's because his mind is ancient. Yeah, Nazal's a Pharaoh.

We all know that. Like his wisdom. But, I mean, Il-Matic came out during when Nebraska was in it winning titles. And that was just a few years before the BCS. Okay. I think that makes sense. We are three days away. as we record this from Chris Winkie's

43rd birthday. Wow. Man, he probably still has some eligibility left, honestly. Hey, get him to Akron. Yeah. Additional credits and kudos, by the way, the cast of necessary roughness featuring such

luminaries as Sinbad. Sinbad. Sinbad. I'm going to say it like that for now on. Is there an accent over it? Sinbad? It's like an accent over the B or something? Is that what produced that noise

you just made? It's Gaelic so you pronounce it Shin Fod. That is his heritage. I forgot about that. It's Fred Dalton Thompson. The Fred Dalton Thompson. He plays, I think he plays like the AD. Yep. And he's basically

He's basically playing the same role that he did on Law and Order. Like sort of cranky authority figure. Yep. Hector Elizondo is the coach. Which I got it admits a little weird, but they nailed the defensive a coordinator in terms of tone. Loja!

Robert Loja. The only guy who's ever cut like a serial commercial, which is basically centered on the Robert Loja had sex with your mother premise. Why are you here, Robert Loja? Here. Ask you mother. I brought you a bike. Shut up.

Kathy Ireland. Kathy Ireland is in it? Oh, and as if you weren't convinced, the convicts that they play in a little wink, wink nod-nod to the longest yard. I mean, this is a really great series of cameos.

Are you ready? I'm going to list them all. Do it. Okay? Dick Butkus. Earl Campbell, when he gets walk. Roger Craig. Ben Davidson.

Tony Dorset. Van der Holyfield. A Vanderholy Field. Ed, two tall Jones, Jim Kelly, Jerry Rice, Herschel Walker, Randy White. Who, man. Quite a cast.

Oh, and as if this wasn't, If you want to, like, time, if you want to carbid date this thing, who's their ESPN cameo? Jason Kirk, answer this. Who's their ESPN came out without looking? Here, tell him the year. It's the guy with the beard. No, this came out in 1991. 91.

I'm going to say the guy with the beard. You know, that guy. Charlie Steiner? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No. Bach, bach, bach, bach, bach, bach, bach, bach, bach, bach. Oh, yeah. The man himself.

Oh, I didn't realize they could get him. The Idaho. No, this was 91. He's a little bit less of a burnished russet talking Idaho potato of a man at that point. Yeah, this is when they were still selling SportsCenter, right? Like, hey, watch 30 minutes of uninterrupted sports highlights a day. I would absolutely buy Berman, like, CGIed into the canteena scene, though, by the way. Just so we're clear.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. I know we're skipping around here, but I just want to say that. But it might be the finest one. we're all in our agreement, by the way, that there's one college football movie that will suck forever. Rudy. Rudy. That's Rudy. Just to keep going in on the state of Indiana.

Rudy sucks. But it does have Vince Vaughn being just an incredible ass... Like, there is probably a way you could recut Rudy where Vince Vaughn is like, fuck this guy. He fucking sucks. And in the end, Vince Vaughn is right in the hero. And I would watch that movie.

Yeah, John Favreau. remember is also in it and maybe his most believable role as a dude from miami who's just going there and doesn't and doesn't realize it's going to be cold right and doesn't realize it's going to be cold and it's kind of just like oh i'll hang out with uh i'll hang out with the football player and there's one of them that can't stop saying god damn that's like a big character point yeah and that's a really important character point in there i will say that it is a great comedy because there's nothing better than watching a completely disconnected and disinterested Ned Beatty just shit on Sean Aston.

I also enjoy that the movie's primary black character only exists to help the white people along and has no, his life has benefited in no way whatsoever. Yeah, that's a, uh, if you go to the TV trope site, so there's like 18 describing that phenomenon. Magical black character, the legend, the legend of bagger rock. Yeah. The legend of Bagger Rock. He was like, you're going to do that to Charles Dutton?

He was in prison. He's been to prison. Like, he's been to prison. He did a live show, man. Rock did a live episode of Rock. You know. Back when that was hard to do. Yeah, back when that required things like, man, multiple VHS recorders, at least two cameras.

Wow. Yeah, it's a rotten crap move. And remember, Rudy didn't actually do that stuff in the movie. Also, it's against Georgia Tech. How hard was that? It was against Georgia Tech in the 60s or 70s or whatever. Yeah, but it was playing defense against Georgia Tech. So you could just, you know, get cut block.

I'd also watch that version of Rudy, where Rudy comes in for one play. He said he's been talking about playoffs or something like that for 100, or no, National Signing Day. He said the other day, I've been saying the same thing for 100 years. And he said Paul Johnson reveals immortality. Paul Johnson is not prone to hyperbole or use of casual numbers. It's been 100 years. 1915 is when he first started railing against National Signing Day.

It was July 27th, matter of fact. That's right. It's specifically 100 years. It was like that and the gold standard. Things that Paul Johnson just can't stand. The big question in America was intervention in Europe or not? not. Paul Johnson said, listen, we got bigger problems. We can't figure out if Michigan or Harvard is the best team. I don't want to worry about signing the Kaiser. That's it. He did sign the

Kaiser, though, in the end. You got to worry, you got to worry about those air raid offenses because they're basically a fifth column of football. They're not loyal. That's where he gets his grand. You know, Georgia Tech football really is the trench warfare of football. Archduke. It really is how they play. Archduke, France, Ferdinand, just. hung in the pocket too long. Don't know what to tell you. Got to get rid of that ball. Remember, if you can't recruit

and you can't get your lines of supply to the program, correct? You just dig in, grab something sharp, and hope to make them bleed. Now, come on. We're going to do two days with mustard gas. Play soccer on Christmas for calisthenics

and then get back to work. It'll make you strong. We've also got the program, which we've reviewed the program on EDSPS before. You should click it and read it. Yeah, it's really, it's extensive. I will say that. It's very extensive.

But it does have a fantastic cast. Has a young Halliberry, has a very young Omar Epps. It's got Craig Sheffer. The Craig Sheffer. Christy Swanson. And maybe the most disconnected performance, the most disinterested, phoning it in so hard. He's like talking on a cell phone that's plugged into a cell phone.

Just James Con. James Conn, just reading Post-it notes, somebody has left all over the. the set with no interest whatsoever in his character you mean like he's trying to learn a foreign language sofa he delivers every line like he's just woken up from a nap that's true well it did kind of feel like the team was sort of based on florida state right so he's sort of bobby in 10 or 15 years after the movie part of the post and and again just just click on that post maybe click it twice opening two taps um we can't figure out what the hell conference

they played in. Like, we know it was filmed in South Carolina Stadium, and because they were lazy, there are shots where they're big old SEC logos, the one that looks like, you know, it could cut you. But we can't figure out what the hell team this is supposed to be. Their schedule makes no sense. Oh, so they're ACC. Okay, yeah, you're right.

Yeah, I'm going to... That sort of lends to the FSU thing, because right before they came out, FSU is an independent, and they would play like hard-assie. schedules. No, this is not that. I think they play Colorado three times in this movie. Oh, well, forget that. Yeah. Well, which is accurate. Colorado played everybody three times in the 90s. That's true. Additionally, I do treasure this movie for a few things. One, the extremely cartoonish presentation of steroids that had the inverse effect that it was supposed to. I think it was supposed to scare people off of steroids. And instead, everyone went and saw it and went, Latimer's awesome. Yeah, take steroids and you can make first team. and throw a car. Yeah, and throw a car and put your head through a window. It'll rock.

Additionally, another Berman cameo proving that Chris Berman, I'm going to look this up, by the way, while we finish this discussion. Oh, God. You're looking at Chris Berman's IMD. Oh, God. What are you doing?

And a Bo Schembechler cameo. The rare, like, the weirdest Uno card in the deck, the Bo Schembeckler cameo. Like, how did that happen? I have no idea. This seems like the kind of thing that Bo, like, this is where you realize how Bo Schenbeckler Jim Harbaugh is. You know, Jim Harbaugh has this, like, habit of showing up totally randomly in things.

Bo Schembeckler was in the program. And you know that there's some part of it was like, yeah, sure, sure, I'll be in there. Yeah. Was Scott Kahn, like, considering going to Michigan? And this is, like, a recruiting tool? Maybe they told him the name of the movie. And then they repeated it and repeated it and repeated it, you know, the program, the program, the program, the program, the program, the program, the program, the program, the program, the program. And he said, I like the sound of that.

Those who stay will get to table read with James Kahn. Those, you'll get to, you'll get to read with Craig Schaeffer. Yes, the Craig Schaeffer. Who looks like every two-Ark episode boyfriend on Married with Children. All of them. All of them. We can put them in it. When it's like, we need an anonymous.

kind of vaguely hunky dude. They're like, I'll get Craig Sheffer. God, this is probably our most topical podcast ever. We're talking about married with children. We're talking about movies that were made over 20 years ago. Berman has 61. Chris Berman has 61 credits as himself and eight as an actor. So you've played other characters.

How many? Seven as an actor. I will give you. Fire up these actors. Okay. As an actor, I'm not going to read them all. Okay. All seven.

I will read the ones We don't have time for that. You've already identified two, so it's only five, but please. I'm going to give you the most mockable ones, okay? Yeah. He was in grown-ups two. Yeah. He was in the longest yard remake, so he's a felon, because he should be charged for that.

He was in even Stevens, a TV series in 2000, which if you watched, I'm really going to question your priorities as an adult. he was in Arlis on multiple occasions he was in Eddie I don't know if you remember Eddie but it was the Whoopi Goldberg movie where she The John Sally vehicle Correct where she became

The Knicks head coach Right which is actually really Way more plausible than I thought at the time Yeah And probably a good idea for the Knicks It can hurt Better than Isaiah If we're being on

That's a low bar. I know. And he has 61 other credits as himself. But that has to be all like espies and shit. Not all. There's a lot of ESPN stuff in there. A lot of it, right? But he was in clone high.

All right. He appeared in Spin City. He appeared in something called the garbage picking field goal kicking Philadelphia phenomenon. Yeah, Tony Danzes in that. Yeah, I believe that. He was in Coach, the TV series. He was in Kingpin. I forgot that he makes an appearance in Kingpin.

He makes the appearance in the program and necessary roughness. And maybe my favorite of these, he was in something called, let's see, America's parking lot. America's parking lot as himself. That kind of describes. Chris Berman. He kind of is America's parking lot. Oh, and he was in draft day. Of course he was in draft day. So here's my question.

All of these roles, he's either playing himself or a reasonable facsimile thereof. Do you think it's possible that Chris Berman has read for, like, dramatic roles where he's not playing himself? Like, is there an audition tape out there of Chris Berman going out for the Ryan Gossling role in the notebook? or the Rachel McAdams role No, but I guarantee you he probably He probably like there may be one I can give you one Okay

But that seems like a lot of energy And I think the trajectory you can trace is that he spends less and less of it Architrustco is myself That's his Halloween costume every year So what is the greatest role of the last like 30 years that is involved not standing up. Wow. Like, is there someone who...

My left foot? Maybe the diving bell and the butterfly. Oh, yeah, or this movie about, um, what was it called? Maybe he's done a lot of voice acting. Yeah, Chris Berman and Stephen Hawking. Why didn't that work out? Would have been amazing. He could have played the Rain Wilson character in Hesher, just like, you know,

lays on the couch. Oh, he could be Professor X. It could have been in Pineapple Express. Don't go back to what? Chris, Chris, Berndt. Shaved Head Professor X. This is the worst shit trash idea you've ever had. Chris Berman in your mind.

Get out of my head, Charles. I mean, think about it. All the X-Men have like these shitty sort of lame code names that are just like a Chris Berman nickname that he, he gives you. Like, if a baseball player lost an eye and played with an iPatch, Chris Berman would call him Cyclops. Oh, God. I'm just hearing him saying the word, dazzler!

Call him Gambit, because he's throwing cards. See? It all fits. Yeah, this is good. Let's do it. Sorry, Patrick Stewart, you're out on your ass. Chris Berman is. Professor X is Cyclops

Is Wolverine But Patrick Stewart at the NFL draft Would be a big improvement So Oh my God This worked out for everyone That would really class up This is I've had the best professional day of my life

I'm retiring I'm seeing him just putting on the helmet It's a gigantic Cerebro I call him that because it's a he Sportse bro Oh, God. Magneto is something he'd come up with, though.

God. This is the worst episode of this show ever. I call you the Wolverine because you're from up north and you're not good with people. And you stabbed a guy once. You can't find lasting relationships. You also can't remember anything from the last five years. And also, we just can't fucking get rid of you. So you're the Wolverine.

You're me. Hello, Chris Bourbon. Yeah. I think that concludes our discussion. We also wanted to talk a little bit. Send it, man. That sort of sounded like, all right, the podcast is over. Thank you for listening to our Chris Berman show.

Tune in next week. This is also because, like... We'll talk about Danny Connell. This is also because... Because we've got There actually is a college football comedy that is going to be made

if you did not see this. Wait, what? That is a rude way to talk about Syracuse. Listen, it's a dark comedy. Syracuse would be directed by Germans. Yes, it's called hard-nosed.

It's about a man who kills his whole family. It's been violently-st- dark, black, and white. We take them to the middle of the North Woods, and we leave them there. It looks like black metal music video. The joke is they play in the stadium named after the air conditioning company, but it has no air. The cruelty of the artificial...

They have sucked the air out. They play in a vacuum. Suck all the oxygen out of the building. We call it the Carrier Dome, even though they can't run the ball. The cruelty of these artificial surfaces, the savagery of the game. It's doing... Werner heard of Syracuse. Man, if you're still listening to this, God bless you. I know, man.

Listener, wherever you are. Listener, singular. We are at roughly, I don't know, probably 25, 27 minutes into this. If you're still listening to this, I will buy you a beer. You got to commute, man. At him. At me. I'll buy you damn beer.

Also, beer companies, at me. Because I need you to supply some beer for this promo. average five times and get toe up yeah it's true if anybody can prove that they actually listen this far i'll buy you a beer as well shit that's two beers two free beers i will listen to this and get beers from the two of you oh shit oh god damn it the perfect crime so timothy simons and matt waltz from veep are actually going to make a college football comedy called red shirt that's at least the operating name at this point all right it's going to be a movie paramounts on it. And I don't know if either

these gentlemen know anything about college football. This is what I'm deeply suspicious of. We need to find out where they went. We need to find out if they have any sort of knowledge of what they're working with. And I mean, I know they can be funny. They're very funny people on Veep if you have not

watched it. Timothy Simons grew up in Maine. That's so black bears. Not promising. He might have a lot of CAA jokes. Matt Walsh, born in Chicago. And he did, hold on, hold on, he did play football in high school as a backup tight end.

No, no, no, this is looking good. No, he went to NYU. He went to NYU. Okay, okay. All right. Although he spent a year studying abroad in Austria. Oh, okay. That's okay.

They got some linemen probably. Austria got that football. That's fine. They're in the IFAF. That's true. They play Baylor this year. That's true. Bailer's

Scheduled twice Crazy Boy, we're going to get calls about that Yeah, I didn't say it Yeah, sorry Baylor Hive, I didn't say it Baylor Hive Kicking that one

No, no, no, I'm sorry They get a beer But yeah, they're apparently going to make one Which is the roundabout way of saying That if they make a Reasonably Good College Football movie It might be the best one ever made because none of them have really gotten to great.

It's like a reasonably, if you can get to reasonably good or good, you're there. The bar is pretty low. If you can get to one where like every college football fan is like, yeah, you should probably see it. Except one, except one fan base. Like, for it to be truly college football, there has to be one fan base that just fucking hates it. Oh, is this movie reasonably smart? Sure. Okay, so Florida State, they will hate it.

And it's self-mocking. Well, if it's called Red Shirt, I mean. I mean, who sounds like something Alabama could run a foul of. I don't appreciate them jokes about

short coach. There was an article, by the way, that came out this week that we actually want to mention, which is this, which was the

Nick Sabin to Texas article that the New York Times did, which kind of read like, I think, what like a literature review reads like for researchers.

Yeah. For us, because it rehashed a lot of what we already knew about the Nick Sabin to Texas sort of thing. But there's a few

interesting things. in it. One, that Nick Sabin needed that money. That his investments in South Florida, real estate, etc. had not gone well. So when Alabama bought his house, in case you didn't know, Alabama bought

Nick Saban's house. And then he stayed in it. And then he stayed in it. He lives in the same house. Which is not unusual. Alabama bought Bear Bryant's house, too, which the article also mentioned. But they paid significantly more than Nick Sabin paid for it. And in addition to that,

have all these financial back-end deals for Nick Sabin so that he will stay at Alabama. He got $2 million raise. He got $2 million on his house. It's sort of like rent a center. They've just sort of built the terms such that he's locked in at this point. Is that not creepy to you that you're like, oh man, Nick Sabam's got to have more money than God? He's like, no, I don't know.

These dudes bought him. It's comforting in a weird way. No matter what you do, you're probably not going to. to be rich. Oh, but I'm super smart and I've achieved so much in my field. Nope, probably still not going to be rich. I mean, if 50 cent and Nick Saban can both run out of money, then I'm not doing so bad. Yeah, I feel great. I don't know, 50 ran out of money. I paid a portion of my credit card this month. A portion. 50 ran out of a particular kind of assets. Yeah. His liquidity. Things are very liquid for 50

right now. Just like Nick Stapen. Just like, just like Nick Salman. time but another really interesting is that evidently that was going to happen like that was this was a thing that nick sabin was concerned about because and if you believe the article and i kind of do like i know that nick sabin has an agent jimmy sexton who's notoriously manipulative and is very fond of floating these rumors of outside interest in order to buffet the price of the coach to here to four unseen levels just set in balloons floating in a out on the horizon and seeing where they land on the great market, okay?

I think he kind of got a bad rap for that because he was aided and abetted by Houston Nutt. That's just my guess. But there is some legitimacy to this that he feels a real anxiety about not being the guy who turns the program around anymore and is instead the custodian.

It's not as fun. It's not as fun to like, you know, building the house. that you know there are no there are no hg tv shows that are just maintaining your existing home yeah i mean think about when you play ncaa like once you win the national title what do you do you go start over a dynasty with an even worse team here we go i'm i'm leading i'm leading wafford to the top yeah it's no fun to win 10 titles in a row unless you're some sort of psychopath which that's why organ can't get over that hump they want they got the hunger they know they got to keep it fun.

That's right. Keep people on the hook, man. Urban Meyer doesn't seem that happy. It's probably two years from leaving. Oh, we said that out loud. It's too real. It's too real. No, he'll be here forever.

Okay. Good luck, Texas Tech. He learned all these valuable lessons from his father. Oh, let's talk to you about Bud Meyer. What, bro? Yeah. Got some stories for you. everybody we'll tell them to you offline yeah but he i think that's like that's pretty legit because you know doing a little poking around for something we might work on in sb nation the turnaround is very real and the maintenance of a program is not at one point you had people who would be there for 10 years be there for 15 years before they won their first title and that in the modern era is a dinosaur concept it doesn't exist

Maintenance is a pretty thankless task, like at all levels. Yeah, I mean, I think you can do that at a program that may be second tier to first tier. Like if you're the guy who did that, you know, and I think the program has to have like such a dismal history before you got there that you seem indispensable to the process, right? The closest comparison I could think of right now is somebody like Art Bryles or Gary Patterson, either one of those programs, they're pretty much synonymous with that guy in terms of. their modern identity now but like fast forward four years and if they haven't won a national title they haven't played for one there might there's going to be a significant portion of the fan base that's going to be like oh we need to change just need to mix things up because that's how that's how the human brain works it doesn't accept it doesn't accept that sometimes things

just don't break your way if things it can change everything like maybe i'll hit on i'll hit on 16 this time and then I'll win because I did something different yeah even though you know hiring and firing coaches and bill conley talks about this like 10 times a year like it's all a crap shoot like they're not as important as we think they are sure there are especially great ones but most of them you're just rolling the dice on what seems like a good guess so like this whole you know like he hadn't won a national title in the last five years get somebody new five years 10 years 15 years whatever you know who knows who knows what will happen

things might be bad but yeah back to the point like the idea that Sabin the rebuild is more appealing to him than the maintenance I mean there's really something to do that like not just looking at his career but looking at the way

all coaches are like and really all people also there's a matter of this you live your life in five year cycles you can always keep that pay rate going up up up as opposed to, well, I'm at this place and suddenly my wealth becomes incremental.

Yeah. So the thing Dick Sabin, I think, is staying for at this point, if you look at it financially, he's staying for attachment to rich people. Because that's what they did. They bought his house. Right? Probably, and I imagine,

probably setting him up for retirement. That's what law school is. Meeting rich people. Nick Sabin just took out a bunch of students. loans, and now he has to be at Alabama until he pays him off. That's law school and being a lawyer. God damn, McSavon, you made all the mistakes I did.

No, no, no, but without the debt. He just has to live it. That may be worse. You can pay it off. I've got to win more games, buddy. I already quit. Fuck it. I'm out. I'm out. You just need to sign more

of them, crutes. Just sign more of them, buddy. It'll be fine. All you have to do is live here forever. don't leave us roll time don't leave us or lose fewer lose more than two games a year honestly i don't know if i could do that wake up every morning under a roof that was on by the university of alabama good morning athletic director kathy bates god it'd be like moon this is just like the moon in the basement there exactly the only difference is there's so much efficiency

you wouldn't need a very big basement you just really cram those little fellas in. It's just Mike Dubose in the air vents going, hey, hey man, Mike Scholl has been dead for 10 years. I think Saban knows about Dubos. He just knows like, wouldn't copy him. Yeah, exactly. You better clean those vents. One of him is plenty. The other thing I think we wanted to discuss this week was things this year that like we can just state are still intuitively true. The temptation is as you approach the season, you begin to entertain these counterintuitive notions where you go, you know what?

I think that eight-win team, they're going to jump to 12. They're going to jump to 11 wins. They're going to be super competitive. Or, you know, that historically great program, they're going to dive. They're going to take a nosedive into mediocrity. And usually in college football,

those things aren't true. They're just not true, unless you're a Florida fan. Otherwise, they're just not true. I feel like this offseason, I've done way less, like, serious study of the teams and the players and who's going to be good and the rosters and all that stuff and I just wait for Bill to write about him and then I ingest his opinion as my own but like I mean it feels like I'm coming to the same

conclusions I would have if like five months ago I started studying really really hard and serious and like you look at the pre-seat the way too early top 25 stuff like the top 25s that came out the minute after the title game those are going to look about exactly the same as the ones that come out over the next week or two like everyone's going to have the same top five, you know, and then the next 20 teams will be basically the same. Like, I don't even know why I started talking about this, to be quite honest. No, no, no, I get, I get you because, for instance, today, Bill, see, if you not read him, you should. Foremost statistical mind of college football, who can actually write puts things together and says that Oregon is still loaded.

They're just really good. they're just a quality football team top to bottom with great facilities, great management and just an ability to attract talent that's almost unparalleled, both in their region and nationally. That's not going to change. Year to year, that does not change because they've got so many good things in place.

So if you're waiting for, like, it's just statistically unlikely that Oregon's going to fall off that much. It's not going to happen. counterpoint in the same region. I'd love for Washington State to be really good. That'd be great. They're still like three years away of intense recruiting. And it's been a while.

And it's been a while. It's been some time. There's still two or three years away from putting together anything where you could go, yeah, that team could win 10 games. That's how far in the hole they were talent-wise. It takes a long time to push all this together. people say oh well there's look at what urban meyers in an ohio state he's at ohio state yeah you're not ohio state yeah you're nowhere close to ohio state i mean really he brought

ohio state back to where ohio state should be and a little bit better because he's a really good coach he's a great none of this was a surprise no just came a little earlier than expected another thing that won't change like ohio state who they lose no one they lost no one like a wide receiver yeah a wide receiver and a lineback A wide receiver who in that offense will be running wide open because of the play action threat. And they get back a two-time Big Ten player of your quarterback, who they're not even going to make play quarterback because they don't need him. Don't need a two-time open. What's the appetizer tonight?

It's steak. It's steak. It's steak. Covered in gold flakes. We had an extra steak. Exactly. We're going to serve it too on a beautiful nude person. It's free. It's free. Chef just brought this whole thing.

up for you. By the way, there's $100 in your breast pocket. You can sleep here if you want. Yeah. This is your house now. Also, you can use this phone to talk to any dead relative you want. Do I have to? No, that's the best part. That's the best part. They can just stay dead.

Can I call Woody Hayes on this phone? Yes. Can I call him a pussy? I'd love to hear what he says from hell when I do that. He can't reach you here. Yeah, he can't. he can. We've put in safeguards specifically.

By the way, just as a fictional device, I always put Woody Hayes in hell because I figured he'd prefer it there. I'd be like, heaven's soft. These people know how to work. This reminds me of Ohio. I think heaven is the dimension up north.

Right. Like, Michigan people would actually want nice things, right? Like, yeah, public education for everybody and health care. And, like, we all care for each other. And it gets cold and we join organizations and form a society. And Woody Hayes is like, throw me in the desert. That's right.

No depth chart here. Everybody's on the third team, just scrapping. Everybody's, everybody's a total grit soldier here. We all play special teams in hell. Exactly. So I didn't say he actually ended up there, Ohio State fans. I just say,

I just suggest that he prefers it there. But they're going to be good. Ohio State's going to be good no matter what happens, right? It's just a matter of screwing that up. If they've followed eight wins, you've messed something up. Florida. Florida is a great example of that.

If you only win four games at Florida, you're officially the worst coach of your generation. You're down there with Charlie Weiss. That's how bad you are at your job because of the sustained commitment, money, and talent

at that place. And it goes again, both ways. It pains me to say this, but man, George O'Leary and whoever's doing his work for him in Orlando, they do a fantastic job at UCF because they shouldn't be that good and yet are. I said that out loud, UCF fans. If you're still listening to this, I will buy you a beer. God, this is getting weird.

I know, but think about it. And you don't live that far from Orlando, so they might come up. No, no, they don't have gas money. I guess that's the frustrating thing about this sport in the offseason is there's so little to talk about. Because we know what's going to happen. Like, we know which 10 teams are in the running. Like, we always talk about, you know, the surprises and the chaos and all that shit. And, like, you know, that'll happen on a week-to-week basis.

But when the dust settles, we know who's going to be in there. Last year, they were like, everyone had picked when the same five playoff teams and all four playoff teams came from that group. In 2007 aside, like, the sport's really, really, really easy to talk about. It's easy to talk about. That's one of the fun things that's one of the fun things is that when somebody loses and when somebody gets up. You specifically did something wrong. You didn't just lose to a team with equal talent.

No, you actively fucked up. You spit the bit. You got your card declined when you have overdraft protection. You did something really wrong. This ain't the NFL where it's rigged to make you go eight and eight. You're supposed to go 10 and 2. You went 7 and 5. You fucked up and everyone gets to laugh at you.

But that's why we have the hot seat. The hot seat is the chaos equalizer there. because sometimes coach wins nine games you're like that's probably good enough he's probably safe nope out on his ass sometimes a coach only wins five games and you're like well shit they haven't gone to a bowl in four years

he's got to be done right nope athletic director can't figure out anything better to do so he's sticking around that is the miss that is the force multiplier in college football is that Mike London still has a job still still and he's doing fine

You can't point to anything to be like, well, this is why, and this is why they're going to be. No, like, Virginia is an example of a team that, you know, going to hover around bowl eligibility at the end of the season might likely miss out, won't do anything to make you really think, oh, Mike London's really got this rocket going into orbit. Yeah, you'll probably get another year. Not to get too specific on Virginia, but I think you see bits of improvement there. But the point still stands that, like, we're talking about hooray, they went. six and six. You know, it's not like tomorrow they're going to be an 11 and one team.

I have, and if you look at this top 10, just as an example, your top two are Ohio State and Alabama. Okay, that's any year, any year in the past 50, that would have been a pretty solid bet, right?

TCU, LSU, okay, TCU's novel. Newer wealth. Newer wealth, but still rich. But we're talking about just pretending. that the between you know after like 1925 to 2014 didn't happen right there still is a tCU precedent yeah right i mean that's that's there ls u duh i mean that's just like that is a solid bet any year that

lSU could be in the top 10 baler in recent history this is not an unheard of thing especially given the nosedive that texas and oklahoma have taken his programs right in the big 12 you pick in a second one. Baylor's like, now is not the craziest bet that you're looking at, and they're a major conference power. It's not like they're a conference USA team, right? They are a major conference power. They've been really good for the past five years.

Go ahead and put them in there. Oregon at six. That's like, Oregon at six seems conservative. That's their down year. That's their rebuilding year. Down here is sixth. Yeah, Notre Dame. Notre Dame at seven, which that seems optimistic. That sounds

funny. I mean, they return a whole ton of talent, but we are talking about the program with probably more legit national championships in Alabama. I can say that. Nobody's listening. It is also a reflection of the fact that we can't decide if losing Evergoulson was good or bad for the team. It was good. It was fine. It was fine.

It was pretty good. I'll give it a fine. It was fine. Yeah, the league's going to be fine. Old miss? Okay. Maybe I just stuff like that. And the whole thing falls apart right now.

Well, that's when we stopped. That's when we stopped Karen too closely. It just started throwing teams in there because we liked them at the time. That's that 8, 9, 10 slot where you're like, I don't know, throw some messages in there, which literally that's what happens because 8, 9, 10 is Ole Miss Georgia and Arkansas. But again, you know, Georgia finishing 9th, if you put it at 5, I'd flinch a little. But, you know, Georgia went in nine games and just kind of finishing second in the SEC East because of two hemorrhagic losses.

That is George's birthright. Like, they are the member of the royal family where it's like, yeah, if like three people die prematurely, you might rise to the crown. It's never happening, but, you know, you got an extremely good health. You got a good duchy over there. Two of them are in good health, and one of them just keeps popping back up. As soon as he's in the dirt, he's just raring to get back at it. Bama's had three more sons this year. George is the sick air of, like, the remaining Habsburgs?

It's like two strokes a year. still kicking won't die not never going to be in power but 10 and 2 those two are pretty bad we think they're fatal but ah

get a good ball game but hey you got some nice tapestries Georgia 9th in football and gunshot accidental gunshot related fatalities that's

it's pretty much a birthright right right there and then Arkansas 9th in guns 9th okay sorry I don't know man yeah give us some credit here

9th and reported gunshot Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay. Hey, that ain't an accident unless I call the cops. Oh, man, I'm not going to the hospital. My pastor might be there. Because he shot himself, too. Not intentionally, because that's the sin.

Yeah, we were both at gun night at the Braves game. I don't know what to tell you. We were both at gun night at church. We were both eating with our guns. Shot each other. We were both stuck in gun traffic. Jesus. It's God's will.

We have to go to reader questions now, please. We're playing the state gun lottery. Yeah, I'm playing state gun lottery. Arkansas at 10, by the way, in case you wonder who finished that out. Sure. Great. Sure. Love him.

Me and Brett Bielandah have a sacred bond after today, so I'm fine with it. You do? He's a trophy potential voting member. Yeah, in case you wonder why we're going to let Brett, if Brett Bielma wants to vote on the Pizeman, why we're going to let him vote on the Pizman? It's this, because we can. Yeah. It's an award for fun, and we're just going to let him vote if he wants.

And because, well, me personally, I kind of hope he fucks with it. Like, I kind of hope he rigs to get each of his linemen a touchdown this year, just so we can say, Brett Bilema put up an extra 35 points on some Sunbelt team just to win an Internet trophy. You think he won't run a double reverse with all linemen? He will. Oh, then we got to. to give it to the team that's right that's fine that's brilliant if he does that great yeah do it it's like it's like the boy band of fat guy touchdowns the pie's men the pies men seriously

britt street seriously brad bala call us i'll be sexual it's like a hundred and ninety-eight degrees. The Got Backstreet Boys. Instinct. Woo, instinct. Whoa, town. Oh, okay, so let's go to reader questions. I'm going to go first because mine's not a question.

It's a rather disappointed at the readers tonight. I just want to point out, damn. Jimmy Buffett makes a self-tanding towel. Brandon Borders. underscore borders pointed out Jimmy Buffett makes

a self tanning towel that he sells on hsn.com sells it on home shopping the tantal Margaritaville self tanning towel that you can get a 20 pack

for 3990 shine yourself up take yourself to your own magical margaritaville of the imagination a k a.k.a. Hooters somewhere Yeah.

Key Largo. Key Largo or most likely a bonefish grill if it's a classy night Ooh, it's prom. It's prom. Every Friday night's prom at Boat Fitchell.

Ryan, do you have a question? I do. This question comes from Ishmael at Ish underscore 46. His question, which Big Ten rivalry trophy is the most helpful hunting tool? I thought about this very, more carefully than I care to admit. I bet you did. The initial answer you're probably going to go with is Paul Bunyan's X because it's the, you know, it's a weapon. I think that's wrong.

And Spencer, you can certainly jump in here since you have recent acts experience. I think the answer is the Illa buck because you use it as bait. It's a turtle. It looks reasonably like a turtle. Floyd of Rosedale is a very nice-looking pig, but I don't think a wild animal is going to buy

a gold pig on a pedestal as real food. So I think you use the illibuck to lure whatever eats turtles and you shoot them. What the hell eats turtles? That's my first question. better. Oh, all kinds of stuff eat turtles. No, turtles get eaten all the time. There's plenty of animals all too happy to crack them up. Is it good eating? A lot of birds. Can you fry it up? It's eaten. Gators? Do gators eat turtles? Oh yeah. Gators are turtles all the time. I mean,

Gators is about the only thing I can imagine. Gators, they'll eat anything. Unless like ants get in there. There are birds that eat turtles, I'm pretty sure. What the fuck? Kind of bird going to eat a turtle. Like a baby turtle. Not like the big one. But I illibuck is pretty damn big. Can I give you this? Can I give you this, by the way? Yeah. So you're hunting big ass birds. The tornadoes. The Minnesota Nebraska football rivalry. Yeah.

On Wikipedia, the official trophy is listed as the $5 bits of broken chair trophy. Yep. Invented by Foe Pellini on Twitter. So if you think the Pizeman is bullshit, there's a precedent. I'm in tears. Yeah. Yeah, we ain't no dumber than the rest of this sport. No.

I'm going for, I'm going to interject and say this, that the axe would be hard to handle. By the way, it's a very big axe and not very sharp. Okay, it's very large. I don't think it has the volume and weight combination that you need to be an effective weapon. By the time it's swung, the person's already adjusted, it's not going to work. I'm going to go super redneck here, go straight to Michigan, Minnesota, and say that the little brown jug in a fight once you break it. Oh, I was going to say, Phil, with acid. Also, fighting is not.

Oh, Jesus, Christ. So you're going to go out in the woods You're going to scald a deer And then bring its bones back home It counts Some fucked up Florida shit, Ryan I know, Jesus Christ Touchdown's a touchdown

Don't know what to tell you Counts Also, in case you didn't know Illinois Purdue I mean, you might be able to catch someone with the cannon Although really you are a master hunter You're a master hunter

If you can kill something with a cannon Oh I thought we were talking about Which Big Ten T trophies should we have a revolutionary war with you can hunt a sloth with that just not to start blasting him out of trees you've mentioned two really fucked up ways to kill an animal ryan's trying to start a museum i'm having a dope day i don't know what to tell you i'll get anything that comes across my path with a cannon full of acid and lasers and spikes and it's got a robot in it that shoots lasers hell yes go ducks is there any by the way for illinois purview is there any more apt metaphor than this what how happened to the canon for a substantial period of time. Hall later moved it to his farmhouse near Milford, Illinois, where it

survived fire and gathered dust until he suggested it be used as a trophy between the two schools when the rivalry was resumed after an 11-year lapse. There's dust, there's an accidental fire, and there's an 11-year dormant period. There's a lapse. Most importantly,

there's the passing off of trash as something valuable. This is the most accurate. We're moving and my wife says I've got to get rid of this canon. I've got a good name of the Illinois produce series should just be the lapse.

What do you win? A lapse. You get to take a year off. You get to stop being Catholic for two years. By the way there's even a section on the $5 bits of broken chair trophy.

It's amazing. They're like, they don't say that's an official. They're like, The first meeting for the $5 Bits of Broken Chair Trophy was held on November 22nd, 2014. It's since been subsequently displayed at Minnesota's spirit events with other trophies. So, like, we put it next to it. It's not on the stage. Well, I think the key here is that Minnesota won that game, because if Nebraska had won, it would be just, you know, destroyed immediately.

But Minnesota, they'll take a room in their trophy case. They'll take it. Jason, do you have a question? from Chris White on Twitter. Carrie, the fight is the handle. Which college football program is the most John Boyce? Now, there's two different ways to go with this. You go, like, you know, which one is as good as John Boyce,

which, like, it'll just be whoever's the best because, like, you know, I don't know anybody, anybody more talented at his job than John Boyce. But, like, I think more entertaining to me is a program designed by John Boyce. Like if John was creating a story about a program or something like that, and I mean, you're going to put it in the ACC, first of all. I mean, it feels lazy to even say that, but it just feels like the default obvious that is correct.

Like the program that John would have the most fun with would be in the usually mediocre and typically slapstick ACC. And you don't want one that has actually done a lot of really good things, but you don't want one that's just so bad you ignore it. And the one that I keep coming back to here, as I ponder this for hours and hours, is NC State, which usually pretty all right, lose a couple comical games a year every now and then jump up and ruin something in a comical way for somebody else. And then they have these branding things, you know, that like, it just seems like something John would come up with, like claim the entire state of North Carolina on a billboard for the program in Raleigh over, you know, two of the biggest athletic departments in the country. You know, the Rolling Stones thing a couple weeks ago where, you know, it basically making it sound like you can't always get what you want, so you might as well settle for NC State tickets. Like, it just sounds like John Boyce's Twitter feed come to life as a football program.

So Tom O'Brien probably has said a lot of the things that John Boy's tweets out loud. Fart. Like, hey, it's your good friend Tom logging on to his computer. Just says that to an empty room. All right. I think that's a very good answer. answer. I want to issue what I don't think is a superior answer, but is a competitive one.

Iowa State. Wow. Yeah. Oh, my. Because they don't know what their mascot is. There's a bird weather. There's a cyclone, and then there's a bird with teeth, and then sometimes there's a bird inside a cyclone.

Right. Which you would think would be deaf, but whatever. They have a series of endlessly chipper, very enthusiastic. enthusiastic and kind of like because of what happens to their poor football teams end up seeming kind of like clueless and like hopelessly optimistic coaches they're coached by a rotation of king of the hill characters dan mccarnie you know paul rose i saw cyclones and cyclone products like even jean chisick starts to feel a little like you know satirical when you start looking because they issued like he's boomhauer yeah they issued like chisick nichols you know they issued like chisick nichols you know they issued like chisick nichols you know they issued like like those commemorative coins that were like the Bucketing of the Gene Chisakero and he won like five games and got the Auburn job

which is again a very John thing they're like one five games pick that fella up you know in five games that's pretty good right they actually have the occasional explosions I feel are necessary for a John Boy's piece i.e. the occasional

riots that break out in Ames they're overly proud of their quality drinking water oh man yeah it's the good case they're overly pout they're an ag school right

that plays another school that's you know an ag school and when they get together well i was not an ag school they have a strong agricultural component and when the two play each other in their rivalry team right they run everything backwards

rivalry games are supposed to happen at the end of the season they always play theirs first it degrades both teams and they end up playing these like da da football games that we have. And the winner ends up being a six-win team at best anyway. Right. Like, there's no pride for anyone.

Winning that game is so bad for your prospects overall. In a game that we have at Shutdown Fullcast, we've labeled it as what, Ryan? El Asico. El Asico. So wait, are we sending John to El Asico now? Is that what I'm here? I think this is a good idea. At this editorial meeting that one other person is listening to, this is a

good idea. It's a great idea. I also want to point out that their uniforms are knock off USC. Yeah. Yeah, they're like USC's. They just copy and pasted USC's uniforms and put the tooth bird weather pattern on it. Yeah, this was on Creative Commons. We can use it. Their highest rank ever.

Their highest rank ever was immediately followed by a disastrous defeat on national TV. Their most, like probably their most prominent victory in the past five years. It's just fucking something up for somebody else, for no reason. Yeah, and happened when the other team turned the ball over nine times. Yeah. Right? That, to me, Iowa State is the most John Boy's football team. That's a really good answer.

Yeah, that's a damn good case. I'll change my answer to that. All right. El Asico, here comes John. El Asico!