Shutdown Fullcast - Shutdown Fullcast 3.21.0

Episode Date: September 23, 2015

The Fullcast is back to do what we do best, which is make fun of a.) Alabama losing, and b.) people from Ohio telling anyone what is good about anything in life. There's also the following topics, each covered with the usual Skype-glitching and happy negligence. --How a loss for Bama ensures their appearance in the playoff --An examination of the great pride people from Ohio can feel about Ohio while living several thousand miles away from Ohio --A brief appreciation of the short happy career of "Cooper Batman" --Why there are things to watch in the fourth week of the season, and how almost none of them are taking place in the SEC --How Gus Johnson is calling the Texas Tech/TCU game and that's perfect because all it requires is loud, indistinct hollerin' --Is Hawaii lost in the Midwest? --AT 51:30 OR SO: Jason Kirk casts King of the Hill as a live-action movie with college football coaches, which is really the kind of question we desperately try to avoid, but in this case works like syrup on bacon on hotcakes on a pile of unmarked bills. BOBBY HILL IS DABO SWINNEY. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown fullcast. I am Spencer Hall, editorial director of SB Nation, and founder of Every Day should be Saturday. This is a college football podcast. If you want to talk about something else, well, you can go to hell. Nothing else to talk about, especially after this past weekend where I got like half of what I wanted. And if I get half of what I want out of a college football weekend, I'm pretty happy. And most of that half was Alabama losing. So, yay, we're all tied to that.

What you think about that, Jason Kirk, our college football editor, joining us from beautiful Kennesaw, Georgia. Man, Alabama lost as hell. That was, on the scale of lost and won, they lost. The dank, dank, dark loss. What do you think about that loss? Ryan, Nanny? I think that's a win.

A win for Old Miss? A win for Bama. I mean, do the math here. Bama's just set an Ole Miss up so that they have somewhere to fall from. You can't, you know, you can't push someone off the top of a building unless they get to the top of it first. I like that Bama's already got one of them quality losses. Oh, yeah, the most quality loss. Show me a team with a more quality loss.

Yeah, I mean, what team has a better win than Ole Miss, so therefore who has a better loss than Bama? I think you put them one and two. And remember, the curse of all curses for a Nick Saban Alabama team is to win that SEC. I mean, if the playoffs going to be fair, unless there are four undefeated teams, which there won't be, how are you going to keep the best loss out? It's a really good loss. It's a really good loss to like an old miss team. It's a championship loss. An old miss team that's going to probably lose two more games.

Oh, man. At least down the road. Don't do this. That's probably because they had to play Bama. Come on, man. Be fair. Took it out of them. Really?

Remember... Bama got that jar started. You just opened it later. Let me get to the electrolyte argument, okay? Bama, when you play Bama, it sucks all the electrolytes out of your collective psychological body, right? Yeah, it's your endorphins, man. That's right. It just ruins them little suckers sitting on top of your kidneys.

Just drains them dry. Can't get up. a game can't do nothing look at old miss last year your metaclorite what's the star war saying your midichlorians just knocks your midaclorians all out of line old miss is on anaerobic mode for the rest of the season just going to be building up lactac acid that's right it's going to catch up and that's how you get your ass beat by tc u in the peach bowl or arkansas in the regular season no not just i'm just kidding too far too far right yeah too far that's not happening um this is my favorite time of year which is

following an Alabama loss. Alabama loses. It is. It's really my favorite time of year because it's a group of people who can handle at least well. Because every other fan base has a coping mechanism,

something to lean back on. Like even Ohio State, a lowly and miserable group of people anyway. Right? They got the Cleveland Browns. They can always run into the arms of the Browns. One in one. Johnny football.

Johnny Football, one-on-one, baby. One-and-O was a starter, is he not? Yeah. Of course he is. That's our Johnny. Of course he is.

Better than the Eagles. That's an SEC quarterback right there. Just pointing that out. But even then, Ohio State can lean back on the miserable, like, even their misery isn't so low that they can't fall backwards onto the comfortable saving couch of, we burned everything that you live in in 1865. That's, that they can always fall back on that. right and do frequently do that yeah that's that's a scoreboard that's it's a great scoreboard William Sherman it's right there which he was an LSU man which in it inherently suggests that people who live in Ohio want to imply that they go back that far in Ohio which if you if

your family has stayed in Ohio for over 140 years you lost That was my favorite thing about them going to Blacksburg, looking at Blacksburg and saying, what an uncivilized place, Roanoke and Blacksburg are. Oh, that's right. Let's go to Dublin, Ohio. The peak of civilization is we know it. All they do is take rocks out of mountains and send them to factories.

Where are those factories? Oh, right. Cleveland. That's your big argument. Your big counter argument. No, no, no. Listen, you haven't been anywhere. until you've been to Columbus or Cleveland.

Listen, there's a James Joyce in Dublin, Ohio, but he is an illegal cage fighter. And a great dude. Just a great dude. I'll fucking wreck you, Ulysses. Yeah, that's my favorite thing about Ohio. Like, oh, yeah, we've got culture. Sure, you have a laundromat that's also a tanning salon.

You have Drew Carey. You have Drew Carey. You have the boring Price's Right host. Yeah, who doesn't live there. Oh. He doesn't live there? He doesn't live there? He's a fake Ohio.

He's fake claiming Ohio. Where's he from? He's a fake Ohioan. No, he's from Ohio. He lives in Los Angeles. Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh.

But he's still trying to... Like... The refracted glory of Ohio. Yeah. He's still claiming it. He lives in Los Angeles, like, if we're being honest, a lot of Ohio State fans. that's true there's a lot of Ohio

state fans who don't live anywhere near Ohio yeah Carmen Ohio where do you live I'm in Glendale yeah 85 yards through the heart of the south where do you live New Mexico yeah I live in New Mexico

it's really nice it's my asthma is just non-existent here it's amazing it's wonderful I mean I could have stayed in Ohio I go to the Washington I'd like to point out this this is a this is how far we've got

and talking about Alabama losing. That's right. We're going to drive that home because, actually, we're just going to stab in all directions here. Okay, all right. Because remember, that's how the shutdown forecast works. It's a 360-degree knife fest, okay? It's pinhead. It's a game.

We're really the hell raisers. And, I mean, to be fair, Ohio State tried to lose. Yeah. Ohio State tried to get one of them bad losses, which tend to be pretty good for them. On the selection committee, you all asked me to, Ryan asked me, justify my pick and I'm like how good is a team when you can try as hard as you can to lose and it just won't happen

In fairness, NIEU was trying pretty hard not to win. Yeah, NIU was doing some weird punts and stuff which you can't bring that shit into the Big Ten and expect it to work for you. You're not going to out their hands. You're not going to out punt the Big Ten. It's just not going to happen. I think N IU was doing that thing

being like we could beat them but we really need these future contracts and I don't want to fuck up a good thing here. This would be bad for the whole region. Yeah, Max going to yell at us if we stop getting games because we start beating them. You know, Michigan already almost lost to Terry. We'll just take one for the team here. We'll go back to the culturally superior DeKalb, Illinois.

You heels from Columbus. But that's at least Ohio State has that to fall back on, which is the universally assumed respect and awe people hold for the cultural superiority of Ohio. which is in no way just northern Kentucky. It's got an MLS team. Come on. The crew. It's got an MLS team named after a haircut you get when you're 12.

And they worship a coach who basically endorsed war crimes. An absolute lunatic who punched players. It's got a pretty good zoo. That's true. That zoo is solid. They had two more zoos, or they had another zoo in Ohio. It didn't go so well. Well, it's one of those private ones.

They all got out. Go read that story. Ohio was a culturally superior place. Smaller institution, that's all we call. So, but Alabama doesn't even have that fall back on because they just go home and they just get miserable and they just do over, I think, some pretty justified things. For instance, did you see how many carries Derek Henry had? This is something that, you know, people might cite. it's never enough

uh 27 okay so Ryan says 27 I like I like this game by the way speaking of the price is right yeah yeah I can see I can already see the mountain climb we're just tipping all the way over the mountain he's about to James Franco

that shit yeah so you have it at 27 carries for Derek Henry what do you have Jason you can put me down for 14 14 14 Oh, man, the smart move there would have been $1, just so we're clear. Well, he basically did just get $1 because it's less than $27, so you are...

Yeah, I know. I know wildly overbid. Yeah, and it was 23 carried, which isn't so bad for... No, that's fine. That's actually pretty good. Yeah, no, I mean, I think that... I don't realize it isn't anywhere near that many. I think that's reasonable.

I will counter this by saying, how many times did they end up passing the ball? It was like 45, something like that. And this is the number that I think probably puts Alabama fans. I think it's at least 50. Deepest into the woods. It might have been like Koker threw it 45 and then the times as well before getting his chest caved in. You, Jason Kirk, are more right than you know because he did throw it 45 times. Yes, sir.

Jacob Koker threw it 45 times and completed 21 passes. I didn't look that up. Cooper Batman. Copper Batman. Copper Batman. Man. Copper Batman. He's the coolest unlockable Lego City character.

I hope he has a Batman voice with the name Cooper and with that haircut. He's Bruce Wayne after the financial crisis and he still wants to be Batman, so he steals wiring to keep his funding up. Copper Batman. Copper Batman wants to know where he can fence this. That's like what the bad guy in 1930 calls Batman. You think you're so cool. You're tough and special.

You're just copper Batman. Yeah, look here, Copper Batman. See you here, copper, Batman. I did actually think when Cooper Bateman rolled out, I said, I don't need to watch someone named Cooper Bateman play QB for Alabama. I don't. That's true. I've seen this.

I've seen this my entire life. I don't need to watch it again. It felt very, Cooper Bateman, Alabama quarterback feels very much like your mom got you the knockoff thing that you wanted, of the thing that you wanted. I think my favorite part about this was. Saving said after the game, we did it because we thought it'd be a surprise. Yeah, it was a surprise. I sent out the guy who's not as good as

Jake Coker and can't run as well as Jake Coker. Can't run as well as Jake Coker. Jake Coker. Jake Coker, who looked like he was like moving the wrong way upstream or downstream through a bunch of migrating salmon going upstream, right?

Like, pardon me, we're just stepping through here. Sorry. He kind of moved like an early Kingsquest game where it's like he can only sort of go like in the directions of your keyboard like press eight if you want him to go up and to the right he's doing a salad sort of calls to mine like really crowded golden corral and you're trying to get to the chocolate fountain you're navigating you're you're placing your steps so carefully that's we're calling the Alabama defense or the old miss defense the chocolate fountain we can get through it you just kind of weave a little bit

you got to really want it and you got to be really careful But, yeah, Cooper Baitman started. They ended up passing the ball 59 times. 59 times, the 42 rushing, which means that... Lane Kiff. Yeah, which means that Alabama fans are currently hate Lane Kiffin. And by the way, they scored 37 points on a really good defense. This is going to be the tombstone of the Lane Kiffin area in Alabama is we scored and it didn't matter.

Yeah, they scored that many points with two drives, totally given up before they even started due to kickoff return fumbles. Correct. And also, Old Miss managed to rack up 43 points through some accurate passing and some inaccurate passing. Hey, as long as it's caught, it's accurate. They only had 92 yards rushing. It's all about the result. I mean, they look like an error rate team.

I like that Ole Miss is going to catch the, uh, the, the, the 2013 Auburn blues for the whole season. like the, ah, yeah, well, you guys know you probably shouldn't have won that game because, let's face it, they probably shouldn't have, but they did, which great. But, yeah, this could be a thing all here, Ole Miss fans. Like, if they have another close win at any point, you're just going to have to put up with it. Just, like, accept it. Yeah, you stole one from Bama. That's pretty great.

I do want to, like, formally think, was it Denzel Kandich who knocked Cooper Baitman out of frame? He was the man whose face is still embedded in Cooper's heart. He's Coato now. It was so bad because when that happened, the replay, it's like he's just standing there and you're like, head on a swivel. And his arms are at his sides. I know. You're like, oh, no, no.

It's just sort of walking out the clock on the play. Like, honestly, like, if I'm on the field with two Kandiches, no, I'm in a crouch. I'm an attack. What you do is you go Mario 2 crouch. I am not even Mario 1. I'm sincerely shocked. to Spencer, that you did not give that the GTA 5 wasted treatment? Not yet.

Okay. I know it'll happen before this gets published. Yeah, we'll work this up for the title art. But yeah, that's going to happen. Which this game also, by the way, pushed my favorite narrative, which Jason Kirk so eloquently addressed in his Alabama's Dynasty over post. Which you got a good email on that. Did you not?

Yes. My inbox is still kicking. I put the best one in the comments, but yeah, it's still flowing. Yeah, because the evergreen narrative is that this is the death knell of the Alabama dynasties. We know it, that this is just a continuation on the way to decrepitude, that Sabin Dunn lost it, or as a fine bomb caller put it in the show on Monday, that, you know, they should just hand the keys to curfetude. Herbie. He's earned it, I think, after holding the Olmista 40 plus points at home. Is that funny? Is that funny? That's the guy you want taking over? That's the guy you went taking over.

Hey, listen, it should have only been 37, 36. 36, right? That's been the perfect number. I mean, really, 29, because, you know, between that bounce pass and that illegal man down field. And the 10 free points from the two turnover. So it should have been, it should have been, You know, and I think I think we blame all that on Kirby. And I think we probably say that the momentum, the unfair momentum from the refs gives

Ole Miss, I don't know, another 10 points, so what are they down to 6? 376. So 376, that's a Bama win. Yeah. That's a resounding home victory. That's that translated. They need to play games with handicaps like golf. Ole Miss gets

Ole Miss has a 30, a handicap a 30. Handicap 30 points. That Vandy handicap? That's like 70 points. Vendil's still loose, but... That makes a game competitive for a minute. For a minute. You know, you joke about this,

but South Carolina could really use a handicap rate. They could use about 20 points. They pop it on the board. Spurter and be like, okay then. All right, I'm... Y'all cool if I hit from the ladies? That's good. I'll be over here in the practice range.

Steve, that's the band. You're hitting golf balls into the band. That's a tap-in. Steve, you ain't even on the green yet. Any other games, by the way, for the past? Because that's the game that I found most amusing, particularly after, you know, watching the Kandiches just terrify everybody on Alabama's offense into submission.

What else caught you from this past weekend before we move forward? I reckon that was the onlyest. Would you like to talk about the other game in which the SEC school from the state of Alabama played? Only briefly? Because there's really not much to say other than that Auburn is basically like just a garbage scow of a team right now. Jeremy Johnson benched now. For whom?

For Sean White. Sean White. And how does his experience level compare to Jeremy Johnson's from three weeks ago? I'm guessing he probably did two years of arena, played in NFL Europe back in the day under Jim Tom Sula, maybe a backup year or two with the dolphins. I'm guessing he's greatly experienced

and that's why they brought him in for his veteran leader. I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty sure he's the the solution. That would be erroneous. That would be the assumption that he was experienced would be deeply erroneous. The only articles, if you

went back before today, because now look for Sean White, his name, is all over the place, has the guy who is replacing Jeremy Johnson. Prior to this, the only real content you can find about him is a story about him not having to sign any autographs at Auburn

Media Day. There's also one about him being the second best quarterback at Auburn Spring Game behind Jeremy Johnson. Okay. The second best. But hey. So he's humble and he keeps his nose clean

with the NCAA. I think all this is fine. And he's not looking to show up his teammates. Never. nope mostly because he can't but but still that's my favorite phrase yeah he's not looking to show anyone up no there's a reason for that i do hope i do hope gus malzon has some sort of kickback deal with a Vegas odds maker for whoever got uh preseason heisman bets and on jeremy johnson i think he should get a little taste of that that's all i'm saying just a cut just a cut most coaches I would be appalled by that

but you know if you're the coach at Auburn given your possible overnight length job security why not get it while you can take a little bit there just get your beak wet I don't mind alternative

income streams neither does Auburn I think we can move forward by the way to this week because we we've buried that charging into Week 4. Great. Thank you for this.

Sorry about that. In case Ryan hasn't made this abundantly clear, week 4 is, well, what are words to describe the slate for week 4? Assie. West Coastie. West Coastie. This is a time when you can

familiarize yourself with some of the more colorful teams from our brethren along the Ring of Fire our Pac-12 brothers and sisters, because they're pretty much the only game going. And can I go ahead and just point to a game on the schedule that I want to watch and I hopefully will belly laugh like for an hour and a half watching? It is the last one of

the night. That would be 9. That would be 10.30 p.m. Oh, God. USC at Arizona State. No good can come from this. What's wrong with you? None because this could be USC's second straight loss. That's why this is funny. although if Arizona State wins, you know who that bumps up. Texas. That bumps up.

Never mind. I got it crossed up. Never mind. That's cool. I was saying, oh, here comes Auburn, charging back up the polls, but not just the Aggies. We'll disregard them.

No, it's just the, yeah, yeah, exactly. Texas A&M is their expiration date. Like, I was trying to find the food that you could compare the Texas A&M hype to because, like, I'll believe that Texas A&M is an absolutely solid team.

the minute they finished their final game of the season. I'll just be waiting for them to implode because this is the same team that lost 590 to Alabama last year. This is the same team that came out of the gate against South Carolina and absolutely annihilated them. This is the team that still, I think, in their blueprint has some of the volatility of a Mike Sherman team somewhere deep in them. Someone's evened that out a little bit.

And I think Chavis has probably established some stability on defense, but there's just one big ass skunk of a game. am sitting in there that they have somewhere. I think what you're describing is a banana because, you know, we're still in the green portion of the season where we're like, good, good, good brown, brown, brown, course. Yeah, where we're like, okay, we're just letting it get ripe. Okay, it's pretty much ripe. We could eat it right now, but it'll be better if we let it sit.

Once it turns brown, that's when you can make banana bread with it, though. Wake up the next day and it's covered in flies. Yeah, that or an avocado. Yeah. Avocado does that. Avocado goes from like awesome, perfect. There's like 10 minutes of perfect avocado. Liquid.

And it's like plague avocado. I like the, I like the weather forecast for this USC Arizona State game. It's 7.30 at night, local time, or 8.30 at night local time, 104 degrees. Oh my God.

In late September. Which is perfect because remember last year, this game was in Los Angeles and it ended on a Hail Mary TD for Arizona State. Now, USC has to go back to the site of where Lane Kiffin was

fired, remember. His last stand. His last stand, okay? They have to go to Tempe and play in 104 degrees after coming from Los Angeles, which, if you've ever been to Los Angeles, 104 degrees does not describe the weather there. No. All right, but you say this. That said, when the team flies back from Arizona State, no matter what happens, when they get to LAX, some of those older players are going to look at each other, and they're going to laugh. you're going to be like hey hey hey hey you remember it was right there

you remember you remember when they fired our coach you remember here and they all kind of look at sark I can still see the debt bottle he left behind yeah this is this is a blot this is this is an extraordinarily

dangerous game for USC like they might have two losses by the end of the next week can we like rewind because right now you've told us that the best thing you're looking for to this weekend is the last game being played. Correct, correct. That's how I feel as well.

Jesus Christ. I mean, in a different kind of way. Please come to our website. Do you have some stuff to do during the day? I mean, listen, we'll get that traffic. Don't worry about it. Just, you know,

mow your yard. Spend some time with your kids. Listen, Michigan's playing BYU. That's guaranteed to be hilarious. We'll have the vine. Let's do this as a compromise. If we can have the product team make some sort of program that users can install on their computers that resets their IP address, loads SBNation, and then repeats that loop, I think that's fair, right?

And then it just automatically, you just press it, go about your day. No, this is what we do. What we're going to do is we're the idiots who watch all this for you, okay? And we're just going to tell you how it all went. So come to our website. don't tune in to CBS, don't tune into ESPN. Tune into NBC. You can watch NBC. You should really watch NBC.

Notre Dame's playing UMass. You got to watch that game. Massive game. Yeah. Is that on NBC? It's on NBC 3.30 p.m. You can also stream it at NBC's that's the other website you should visit. There are cable cutters out there who are like, it's cool. I still get like the over-the-air channels.

Those fools. And one of the things they're going to watch. So to be clear, people at 3.30 have a choice of, let me just make sure I get this completely right. I mean, to be honest, there's not really a better job. Of the major non-cable networks, you can watch on ABC, Virginia Tech at East Carolina. No. You can watch Tennessee, Florida on CBS. Which, I mean, I will. I forgot, Ryan. Are you back on the I'm actually going to watch a Florida game wagon?

I watched a lot of the Kentucky game wagon. I watched a lot of the Kentucky. game you didn't watch all of it though no i mean i i still feel bad subjecting other people in our office to florida games but i watched i forgot you're not sitting alone yeah yeah yeah yeah i watched like a good half of it furtively stabbing yourself in the thigh no with a butter knife just to feel something your nbc choice is umass at notre dame you also have ohio state versus a mack team that's always hilarious i mean that never goes wrong that's always a thriller Who is the Mac team de Jure? It's Western Michigan.

Well, they're even better than an IU. No, I was going to say they better watch their ass. PJ, because PJ Fleck is terrifying. PJ Fleck is coming. He's going to try something stupid. He's like Marky Mark in fear. He's got urban scratched into his belly. He might.

No, no, he might. He might have done it with a paper clip in the locker room and pulled it up, right? Also PJ Fleck. His kids are real fire. up about it, too. PJs, like, we'll finger you on a roller coaster, so. And, you know, there's a point in this podcast where somebody always derails the terrain directly into an orphanage, and that, that's it.

And I'm proud to be an idiot. We do it dumb, so you can do it smart. We also have a couple of other deplorable games, which Georgia Tech at Duke, yeah that's that's gonna be a good workout your anger spot that's gonna be a good go workout at the gym and maybe keep it on a TV somewhere close to you lSU at syracuse which by the way my prediction for this is that syracuse will keep this way closer than you expected it's an lsu road game syracuse's defense is actually i mean they don't get too far out of place they don't they're pretty sound and offensively they can't do anything and are pitiable so like syracuse looks

a lot like LSU, but with like a serious vitamin deficiency. So this could be like a 1710 game at the end of the third quarter that LSU ends up winning like 24. Yeah, you'll just, exactly. It'll be like, like if this game comes off like 3420 or 3410, it won't be. I mean, LSU expended most of their psychological

and physical energy last week. They are not going to get up for this. You feel like any other top 10 team at a team of Syracuse's quality if they win, by like 10 points you're like oh this could mean something but if lSU does that no nothing means I mean I think anybody like going up to this going up to carry down and playing a team that's out of conference they are not going to give a shit about this game you you skipped over my favorite of the noon games oh oh I know it's it's I know someone I know someone who's doing a feature on this

oh my wait oh I didn't that's not even the game I was going to talk about Kansas at Rutgers no That is not, I mean, we can get to that, but I'm talking about... No, no, let's not get to that. Kansas is playing at Rutgers. Don't watch. The end. I'm talking about UCF at South Carolina, two desperate old men fighting for their lives. This is grumpy old men, and why grumpy old men is fiction, because grumpy old men in real life is a really sad movie.

And you get to watch it at noon. And Margaret is not coming over. No, man, if George O'Leary beat Steve Spurrier. That's the saddest thing I can't. Like Steve Spurrier making O'Leary go to O'N4. That's funny. That's just great.

That's just good stuff. You think O'Leary will ask his players to carry him off the field if they beat South Carolina in Columbia? I think he might go to his AD and ask for an extension. Yeah, he might ask him to get carried off the field if they lose. Like, hey, that's a long way to the locker room, boys. You don't deserve to let me walk off the field. He don't deserve to let me walk off this field.

let me tell you a couple of I do have sleepers in here okay we're not entirely without hope we're not there's things to watch there's always something to watch okay I think that that Maryland at West Virginia

watch West Virginia yeah West Virginia yeah watch West Virginia okay watch the sort of blink a lot yeah I mean just keep an eye on it Maryland Maryland is in a highly flammable state right now right just copy page

for the past seven years. It's a dream flambay. Randy Edsel, the dream flambay. The dream flambour. Every football team could be baked Alaska. They really are. Maryland has like two really talented football players and then a bunch of people who will just perform

random actions during plays. I'm going to call it Bananas Fosterp. Yeah. And that's the second time, right? We derailed the podcast. But West Virginia, honestly, like, might be a low-lying team of quality that nobody's paying attention to just lurking, quality defense, solid offense. They, you know, if they beat the hell out of Maryland here, and not that beating the hell out of Maryland's too indicative of overall. Then they're at least as good as Bowling Green, basically.

Which is pretty good. Bowling Green is, like, a really good one-and-two team. Yeah, I said it. But another low-lying sort of game of quality in here, just keep an eye. Just keep an eye on Oklahoma State at Texas because I really need to watch Oklahoma State. I have no idea what their overall levels. They scored 69 against a crap opponent last week. I know that.

Nice. Yeah, nice. They're squarely in that we're ranked because we've heard of you and apparently you haven't lost. Like, I don't think anybody has watched Oklahoma State games so far this season. Nope. I have not seen a second of it. Ohio State getting Western Michigan to scare the shit out of them at home, yet another Mac team. Which, again, Western Michigan, probably the second scariest Mac team to come up in your house.

Agreed? Yeah, I think that feels right. Behind Toledo itself. Behind Toledo. Well, Toledo doesn't come up in your house. They just burn it down while you're inside. Get out of your house. Cal,

the other one that I think is possibly deeply festive if you want to watch is not Cal at Washington because I actually think Cal's just kind of gonna win that. Cal's just going to eat Washington. Cal's yeah, Cal's going to eat Washington.

Are you talking TCU, Texas Tech? Yes, sir. Yes, sir. You want a good old... That might be my game of the weekend. You want a good old fashion Big 12, a big old perumpus.

You want a big old old, all the blue. That, to me, a fire, an angry Gary Patterson. He's going to take out all that bailor rage on Texas Tech. I think after UCLA, Arizona, it's this. Because not only is Gary Patterson perpetually angry, Cliff's angry, too. He showed last week, you know, after what he said about Bert, after kicking Bert's ass. He's got some fire to him as well. And if you recall, TCU put up 82 points on Texas Tech last year. That makes you feel a little, a little, a little type of way. When TCU runs out of fireworks at home because they

scored too many touchdowns on you, you tend to remember things like that. Now they're traveling thousands of miles to Lubbock with their shaky number three ranking. Looking forward to this. Gus Johnson probably on the call. Oh, man. Oh yeah, exactly.

No specific references to anything football related, just loud noises. And that's really all I'm like that. Appropriate hollering at all points. You can watch, by the way, you can watch two of the better quarterbacks in the big 12 go out of here okay my homes and boykin there is not a lot not a long list of good quarterbacks in the big 12 right now so wait hey i'm taking what i can get that's fine okay that's fine i mean look i'm i'm going to watch i'm going to watch missouri kentucky at some point so i don't know what i'm talking about oh boy this looked a lot better this looked a lot better

preseason but in yet another stolen game taken by jerry jones greedy liver spotted hands placed in the Jerry Dome. That would be Arkansas versus Texas A&M. Arkansas, just if Auburn is the garbage scow, then Arkansas is basically the submerged tanker that they made a reef out of.

Right? Like they're underwater. It's bad at this point. If you look at their schedule, like, they're probably going to be favored like once the rest of the year. If that.

yeah i mean i think they played like u t martin or something like that but they remind me three or four wins as well within range they remind me very much of um that particular portion of watchman where they're discussing why superheroes don't have capes and they show the cape superhero who got caught in the revolving door and the and the the criminals just shot them to pieces that's kind of that's kind of arkansas at this point when they looked all shiny and strong at the start of the season and now they're just you know halfway into a bank full of holes

yeah and about to go up against a team with plenty of ammunition so many guns so many guns so many guns literally literally guns a fan base and a team with so many guns they have a dog made of guns although I did see

Arkansas has a higher firearms ownership rate than Texas well that's just because Texas doesn't keep it on the books I ain't telling I didn't tell the government where my guns are? Come on. You think I'm just going to give Jade Helm a free start like that? You're crazy. I mean, I think when you're the home of the world's biggest grocery store that sells guns,

you're going to have a pretty high gun, right? Whereas Arkansas keeps the guns on the books because they want to, you know, they want to get the rewards program. They want, you know, that, yeah, that ninth gun is free after you buy eight. Can I, speaking of guns and not being armed, inversely, Can I give you what Arkansas's red zone conversion rate is per college football stats? It's not good. In the nation, in terms of ranking, it is 120th.

Now, to be clear, is that scoring percentage or touchdown percentage? This is ranked by the number of times you score in the red zone field goal or touchdowns total. It is normalized for both methods of scoring. There are teams, Stanford. and Florida are ahead of Arkansas in terms of Red Zone. Stanford. Stanford.

And Florida. Stanford who will punt from their own 19. I mean, Florida, Florida, yeah, I get the disparagement there. But we're talking about, you know, getting to the red zone in the first place. Stanford is, Stanford is famous for just camping in the red zone. Stanford will punt on an extra point. Yeah. Virginia Tech is 32 points ahead of them.

What is their percentage right now? Virginia Tech? No, no, no, no. Arkansas. Arkansas will score 28.5% of the time they get in the red zone. All right. As Bill C. wrote in the numerical date, Tech and Arkansas basically played the same game last week.

Tech just happened to finish their drives. I want to, I want to show, I want you to do a little live experiment here, Spencer. Are you still on college football stats? Yes. I want you to go to the national list of total punts. and I want you to tell me where Arkansas is on that list. And I know you know the answer to this already. Yeah, I do know the answer to this because it's super fucked up.

It is extremely fucked up because if you sort for a total number of punts on the year, Arkansas is next to last. Navy has punted three times. Arkansas has punted four. So like, what the fuck is going on? No, they're this year's Florida. They're breaking math. They're breaking math as we know it, right? They already did in the Toledo loss.

Like, they, that was, that's really the death now. When you start getting those losses where the ESPN stats crew gets out there and is like, hey, you know, nobody's ever lost a game when they had 500 yards and only had one turnover. Like, I don't know how you all did this, but shoot, you broke the Kobayashi Meru. Congratulations. Yeah, they're doing it. So, congratulations, Arkansas. You are, you're officially, you're statistically,

screwed. You're statistically an extremely fucked up team. Congratulations. The other games of note, actual games, like I agree with Jason. I think, you know, Texas Tech TCU, that's probably your actual value game of the year. And I think that game's going to be lower scoring than maybe previous editions of this would be because, and I just say that because I think Texas Tech's D.E.

defense is at least going to be improved enough to pull some turners up TCU and TCU's been kind of sluggish. So fewer than 82 points. I'm going to make the bold prediction that TCU scores fewer than 82 points here.

Okay. Boom. I wish we had a sound effect to hit for that. I'll add one in post. Slap it on. If you can find that under 100 points, you take.

I'm going to go ahead and tell you to not watch anything else in the SEC. Actually, don't watch anything in the SEC. Not because there won't be good teams playing. It's just those good teams. They won't be playing other good teams. I, for bad reasons, I respectfully disagree. No argument here. Watch Leonard Fournett, but otherwise ignore the SEC.

I want to see this Missouri-Kentucky game. You're a fucking idiot. Here's why. Here's why. This has the potential to be, like, a major fan narrative establishing game for the team that loses. Oh, God, damn. You have to be the worst Netflix partner ever, like, if you're like, what do we watch tonight? No, I just always want to watch Die Hard.

Or Hunt for Red October. I feel like they're, like, I did not mind Missou last week as a noon game. Like, in that noon slate, Missou was perfect. They hit the spot. They were given us, like, fumbled field goal snaps and just all kinds of. really noon shit. They fit in perfectly. They were like a bad diner when you want a bad diner, right?

Yeah. I just want some overcooked eggs and some like... So much toast. So much toast. I just, I just punched me with a fistful of carbs, Mizzou. But like 7.30 at night, no, man. That's when you're trying to get fresh and go out.

I'm not trying to... Let me talk about. You're not trying to get loaded up with Mizzou. If Missouri loses this game, Missouri goes on full-on panic mode. because if they can't beat Kentucky, everybody starts to worry that they can't. They definitely won't win the East again. If Kentucky loses this game, then we might be approaching that weird, stupid, stupid point in college football fandom

when you have a coach who has done really good things and recruited well and improve the program's profile, and you start saying, well, he just can't win the ones that matter. He just can't, he just can't get it done on the field. We need a coach for Saturday and let him recruit during the weekdays. After all the talent, stoop's brought in. Yeah. We need to get, the, the cupboard is full. We need to go get Kiffin in here.

There has never been an internet, there has never been an internet comment that started after all the talent that ended, I'm satisfied. Yeah, he brought all this talent in here. And frankly, I think he's done a great job. And I think he's developed it well, but... And I think they are making lifelong friendships, that talent. I am excited about your Lane Kiffin's suggestion to Kentucky, and I think that's more reason to watch this game. Oh, my God.

Is Missouri, by the way, is Gary Pinkel just like Darkside Mark Ricked? Like, depressed Mark Rick. Oh, okay. Yeah, I'll give you depressed. Like, like, Wario, Mark Rick? Yeah, he's like Warwick. I think he's more like Mark Ricked. Mark Ricked in a commercial for a sleep aid, but before he starts using the sleep aid.

He's just like... Mark Ricked on a hangover, which has never happened, probably. Do you feel like you never have the energy to just beat Yukon decisively? Like, he's like Mark Ricked in one of those commercials for something that makes a domestic task much more complex. Like, are you tired of cracking eggs? He's just smashing eggs against his face. Yeah, exactly. I just can't figure it out.

I wish there is an easier way. how the hell has anybody ever cooked pasta he's before ricked i have another question is hawaii lost because two weeks ago they played at ohio state and now they're at wisconsin they're working their way back they're getting close to that delta silver medallion status they better be it would be pretty nice if they just let them like sort of uh you know take clap take take digital classes like on their way from columbus to wisconsin why do they really have to fly to the middle the fucking ocean and then go back i think hawaii hawaii athletes should just play all road games and just take their classes at the home

campus where they exactly like well then they're you're back in a big ten diplomas exactly man jesus you can get you can get hired for an average starting salary of a billion dollars for that come play in hawaii you will have to spend some time in india you took two weeks of classes in the big ten this way senator fucking shit heels that's why they play 13 games so they can take extra credit to be clear it's state senator

let's not go nuts man state senator in Hawaii that sounds like the best job on earth like a slightly corrupt Hawaiian government agent oh man I'd not sleep with one eye open you're on an island man that's true

if they want rid of you're gone You can't go anywhere if you're in trouble. Slightly corrupt. Where are you going to go? I'm going to go to that other place on the island. I'm going to go to the island like one mile away. Friendly corrupt. I've watched Dog the Bounder.

There's nowhere to hide on the island. And then the final game, but we actually have a couple of interesting, like, interesting Pac-12. UCLA-A. Arizona is probably the marquee game in terms of national posture for the day, right? Like, that's the game. They both have numbers by their names. They do. are undefeated. Like UCLA, everyone thinks they're pretty good.

Arizona is kind of the 16th, okay? Yeah, okay. Sure. Is Scooby Wright going to play? Maybe, okay. If Scooby Wright plays, then this might actually be something of interest. I think if he doesn't, then I kind of see UCLA just rolling over him. But this is UCLA, and this is the Pac-12, where I think this is a conference that more than any other is characterized by the

sudden blinding, lopsided loss on the road. Oh, yeah. Which Arizona is very happy to dole out. And this is a true freshman quarterback making his first real road start. He, of course, started at UNLV, the harsh, hellish climate of UNLV. But this is his first true real road game. In the Shadow of Harrah's. In the shadow of Terrible's casino and hotel.

Oh, yeah, we're off strip. for you and LV. $5 black check. God bless you, $5 black check. You're lucky this game isn't played at Circus Circus anymore, son. We're playing roulette with like a golf ball. And all you win are onion rings. That's delicious.

There, just in there. It's like we're done. It's perfect. Jesus Christ. Fine. Everything is fine. That's all. this week deserves. This was a crisp one.

And another one with no reader questions. I mean, look at this. Oh, shit. Well, we could Yeah, let's go back in. Can you cut it? We can come back on your reader questions. I haven't stopped the recording. I'm going to go back again. Don't even cut it. Don't even cut it. Don't even cut it. Okay. They can listen to all this.

They've come this far. I'm going to cut all this out. No, no. This here is the inside the process. This is the outro? We're bringing them in the booth. Yeah, Future does. See us like commentary tracks to the

commentary track. Yeah, yeah. We got to tack that on, like, 25 minutes of us talking about all our greatest hits. Yeah, I haven't know. And like, run the bridge is falling down. What's that called? Melody. Oh, yeah, I'm real good at that. That's my favorite thing. Future's done all year. But Future does a track that's like

the name of the track is exactly what the track is about, and he has a commentary explaining what the track is like. Perkinset and stripper joint. This is about Perkinsets and strippers. So he's, of course, I took Perkisset with strippers. He's the Billy

Joel of rap? He's the Billy Joel of rap. Wow. He really is. He's like, yeah, the song's about active is. I assume we're only doing the one question, and I know which question it is. Yeah, no, we have three questions. I have one. You have one? Do you have one? We're not going to shortchange these folks. No.

Yeah, I mean, well, which one are you? Fine. This is all staying in the podcast anyway. Spencer, let's pretend that we're still carrying. about what the listeners think. What is your reader question this week? Okay. My reader question is this. It's from J. Rigdon 5. And his question is

just throwing at this out there. How excited should we be for college game day in Bloomington for IUOSU? If you don't know, this is a campaign online to get game day to come to a place they have never been

and indeed have never had a reason to go two, which would be Bloomington, Indiana. Because many teams have a loss, many teams have two. There's even a team with three losses out there, but there is an undefeated team in Indiana. And then there is another

Indiana University is currently undefeated. And stands a pretty dang good chance of going into the game against Ohio State undefeated, which would give them an excuse to actually go there. So we can give them a quick pros and cons of games.

game day. I think overall you should be excited. It's a very fun experience. Everybody gets up. They make silly signs. You get to see David Pollock sprint in dress shoes. Because for some reason, he does that to the way to the bus. And you get to see Tom Rinaldi probably resplend it in some sort of yellow suit with like a green pocket square. You get to see the bear too. Get to see. Hey, land. You get to see Chris Felica. So he's really the highlight of the entire experience. Explosive cat. You get to make a sign you get in trouble for with your friends from whatever the Big Ten troll blog is. Thursday out there. Saturday at noon. Struggling against a Mac team. Supposed to losing to a Mac team, which is totally an SEC West thing. Afternoons on the alternate Big Ten channel.

Yeah. You should end up being moderately excited about this because it's kind of a party. They have a DJ. and you get to sit out there and yell a lot. It's very exciting. It's not as good, honestly. Like, the most fun I've had, I've been a game day a number of different times.

The most fun I've had was at Oregon, and that wasn't just because I was hanging out with the duck. It was because it was, like, five of the morning. It's good, yeah, it's good when they go somewhere where only the weirdos are out. Yeah, well, at Oregon, it was packed. But it was only the weirdos. Exactly, only the weirdos.

Yeah, it was only the weirdos, and a bunch of people drinking, like, you know, Red Bull and vodka at like 6 in the morning and once you got over the shock of being up that early it was quite entertaining so overall you'll enjoy it

if this is something that Game Day actually does which they might have their hand forced into doing this. They went to Vanderbilt shit. I mean they've been to North Dakota State they've been the D3 game they've been to the Ivy League didn't they go to Williams? They went to Williams

yeah I mean North Dakota State is better than Indiana. Don't, don't sleep. Right, right. North Dakota State is better football team and more fans than Indiana does football-wise, for sure. No question. Didn't they go to Fam you? I believe.

That was a while ago if it was. I believe they did an HBCU game, yes. They did an HBCU game. I mean, they went to the Georgia Dome. There's not even a football team that plays there. As far as I know. Go Falcons. But yeah, I mean, yeah, Indiana's unbeaten.

That'd be fun. Lee Corso is history there? Sure. Just bring Lee home. I mean, Lee Corso has lots of history, lots of places, but... He does. Ladies. Ladies.

But yeah, bringing Corso home, I thoroughly encourage you to go out and enjoy this fantastic experience and to also compliment Chris Felica on his explosive cap muscles. Do you have a question, Jason, from a reader? I do from our friend Buttpocket on Twitter. Hey, hey, Bud Pocket. best pro shop jones aka uh you're casting a live action king of the hill film which c fb coaches do you cast okay so this is basically uh which college football coaches are which king of the hill characters

and i've gone ahead and broken this down for us uh first it's going to be a diversion from the the assignment it's um bill do treve he's baler because they both fucked anne richards right i forgot that about bill wow yeah bill had like these random successful romantic encounters including one with the governor of texas who uh just so happens to be baler's best friend sergeant bill colonel i think he's something he's something i thought he was a sergeant barber he he was he was something like he was he was something like he was the only man who could cut hank's hair square enough or something like that that's right he was the only man who could achieve the right angles that hank liked in a hairstyle so so speaking of hank uh hank is

is so Mac Brown it hurts like the most Texas man alive who is not actually from Texas if you recall Hank is actually he was born in New York City which is like a source of great shame for him they're both constantly

flustered by modernity they have great reputations the people always say oh it's a solid man does the right thing and they've both made good livings off of hot air if you understand my meaning there.

No, no, I'm with you. I sell longhorns and longhorn accessories. You get it? Can you give us Dale Gribble? Dale, that, okay, so there are two ways to take this one. Obviously, Dale Gribble, he's secretive, he's paranoid, conspiracy theorists, moves in the shadows, disguises, and aliases. What this calls to mine is going to be Kyle Flood, head coach at Rutgers.

That's true. Of course, as Ryan broke down at EDSBS is like the worst spy ever. Yeah. But there's also an adultery subplot here. His wife is constantly making him the cuckold, which sure that that's that's probably too specific. But in general, there's an adultery subplot. And also Dale's voice that. Oh, I was going to go.

I'm just going to go to the voice. If you're going where I think you're going, that voice is a pinpoint. It's Bobby Petrino, is Dale Gribble. Based on the, based on the shadiness, the voice, and the adultery subplot, those three factors. Let's see. Boomhauer, that's Jimbo. They're completely opposite in stature, in appearance, in hair, in everything. But the speech.

I mean, the only people who can understand them are their best friends, which are Hank Hill and Bud Elliott. And they're actually really smart. Like they're sort of drawn to be to appear to not be very smart, but they're both kind of geniuses. I will, I really, I'm just going to go one further, Cotton Hill. Did you cast Cotton? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay. So we have an incredibly short man. He's incredibly angry all the time. Oh, man. He's kind of old. He's constantly blaming his problems on people who live far away from him.

he uh he he he he he he racked up numbers a long time ago that are probably inflated so there's really only one option this this is nick Saban let's see uh who's bobby in this situation i got gabbo Sweenney he's always dancing that's my purse he's uh he's like bafflingly successful at wooing people to join him like if you recall bobby has like multiple relationships with like middle school girls and like dabbo like at one point had robert kimdici committed uh and also there's a nearby older man who's always disapproving of everything he does which is either hang killer steve spurry of course uh also considered bronco men and paulin here because he might just kick you right in the

balls i don't know you i don't know you uh let's see for for uh okay Here's my personal favorite. Lou Ann. Okay. This is the niece that comes to live with the hills. So she went from community college to being a TV star. And despite the drawl, she's actually like maybe the smart character on the show. She's like a brilliant engineer almost kind of mechanic.

And here's the key. She's so fucking lucky that at one point she is pregnant from five. A character named Lucky. This is Hugh Freeze. That's a really, really good call. All right. There's one really hard one that you have to fill out here, and that would be Peggy Hill. This was the hardest one because her character just sort of, they just, like, threw everything at it.

Right. I just put down Gary Patterson, because he's got a wooden leg. I could also see Gary Patterson, like, speaking the most broken Spanish in the world. And, like, it being a needlessly creative chef who, like, makes up a dish and gives it a name, and it's just like, no, this is spaghetti. Bienvenito, Satis, you. And, like, he famously has huge feet. I am going to suggest something here. Remember, Peggy is kind of a polymath, right?

Or at least a proclaimed polymath. Okay. That still works. Yeah. Okay. Kind of a proclaimed polymath. Okay. Kind of a person who

Peggy's always kind of out there, right? She's not like, Hank is actually sort of more connected with his character, right? Peggy has this sort of like, she's a little out there, right? Like her great moment is when she goes to get her shoes at the big lady shoe store that's like out in the middle of the desert.

Yeah, so kind of out there, kind of a self-proclaimed polymath, kind of a person. So spend some time in the middle of the desert too. You know, in the... I'm thinking Peggy Hill and Mike Leach. Yeah. Yeah, I like it.

No, kind of there. Got the exact same hair, might I add. That same bouffant, poof up top. Kind of spent some time out in the front terrace, out in, you know, like Lubbock. Square-Hipped. And Pullman, right? Yeah, you know, keeps things going. That's, that to me, no matter what's happening.

And also kind of, kind of easily duped. Can I, can I, can I, and considers herself knowledgeable, clever, and very physically attractive, although she has on occasion noted herself consciousness of her very large feet. And more often than not, Peggy's ego will preempt better judgment. This is pretty good. This is one of the best ones, actually. I'm just, that's Mike Leach. We should also mention Hank's boss, Buck Strickland, who is known for gambling and drinking and constantly having to re-recruit Hank, who is like his own.

His entire, his entire life, livelihood depends on being able to recruit, Hank, in this case. And he hosts all his business meetings in his bathroom, which to me all this adds up to Barry Switzer. No, it's Switzer. Okay. Can I throw one more in? Yeah.

So the Hill's neighbor, Khan, very self-important man, eager to call everyone else stupid, even though his own success is sort of I guess in question often thinks a lot of himself even though his family members don't always

very brash, brash man I think this is Mark Emmert Oh Oh so you took a left on there With Jason where he was going I have Bob stoops Especially when you said family members Okay yeah

Because he's a mean dick who's rich right he's not from around here he's always talking shit about rednecks and if Hank Hill is Mac he doesn't beat he doesn't beat as much as he thinks he should or does he thinks he's got one over on the dumb hillbilly

but yeah because I was because here we have this if I was going to give you my variation on this okay which would be a guy with a son who actually

like doesn't live with him anymore right and is taken care of by somebody else like a son like a like in this case a coaching be a philosophical son right um kind of kind of you know regarded as like sexy in terms of his you know position right uh let's see probably in a band it's probably been in a band a couple of times right drives a jeep wrangler correct kind of you know like irresistible sort of massages his way to victory uh generally regarded as you know like like sort of this guy is like man i don't know what's up with him but you know he seems cool and that would be kevin sumlin as john redcorn i had either

cliff or someone for him actually well his son is cliff cliff is his son right okay so cliff is joseph yes cliff is joseph who's got like the same kind of charisma right right but was actually you know like also like wow that lines up really well also like also like like raised under Mike Leach, too, right? But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, to actually, to actually use his full native healing powers on Mike Leach. That's correct. I can't heal you like I heal other women.

Yeah, that's, that, that's, that's Kevin Sumlin, man, because, like, John Red, John Red court and Kevin Summler both have that air of mystery, right? You're like, man, like, Kevin Sumlin's probably one of those guys. He's like, Yeah, you know, I climbed Mount Everest, and then he never talks about it again. It's like, John Redcorn, the way they'd always draw him would be like, he's just standing there. And then the wind starts blowing his hair. That happens with someone, too.

He doesn't even have really hair. He wears a visor, but just like the sun glints off his visor. And it's like, what, how that happened? It's at 9 o'clock at night. Yeah, exactly. That's probably like how Kevin someone gets like, you know, advantages in contract negotiations. She just goes and stands by the window. And they're like, dude, that guy looks real chill.

Let's give him some more money. would you like some more money exactly because you know it's texas everybody else is like ah fuck you bastard yeah i'll take your ass out and beat you and someone's like i'm going to get a bottle of water over here and they're like look at that dude he's so chill let's just give him the way he said that let's just give him some money