Shutdown Fullcast - Shutdown Fullcast 3.35.0

Episode Date: November 24, 2015

The early Thanksgiving edition of the RIVALRY WEEK AARRRGGGH RIVALRY WEEK Shutdown Fullcast arrives to the dinner without a dish, alcohol, or anything but a smile. Did you invite the Shutdown Fullcast here naked and without a thing to contribute to your holiday? No, but it's here anyway. Please get it a towel while it discusses all of the following and more: --Ryan introduces his mixtape "Buyout Season 2: the Leveraging" --We make guesses on Monday night about things that will happen for the rest of the week, including Florida State hiring Les Miles, Maryland reconsidering and giving love a second punt's chance, and Les Miles joining John Calipari in making Kentucky the most feared state in college athletics. --Jim McElwain continuing Florida's tradition of hiring clergymen as head coach --Our Iron Bowl preview, which is really just us saying "Mobile is the best city in Alabama," and proposing its new motto "Mobile: There's alcohol there, and you can drink it." --Our Ohio State/Michigan preview, which is really just us saying "This is a 10-10 game we are going to celebrate for its elephantine mass and pace" --A digression where Texas becomes Slippy from Starfox --A proposal for Tinder, but with coaches --A conclusion about the Big 12 fixing absolutely nothing, ever! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown forecast. This is the preview edition, which in the edition on Sunday night, we told you wasn't coming, but we lied. Not trustworthy at all. Joining me for this glorious preview edition would be Ryan Nanny from the studio in New York. I'm in the soundproof booth. I'm up here dropping beats and spitting spitting bars. Pure fire. Total fire.

from one track to the next. If you had a mixtape, what would it be named, Ryan? Buy out. Buy out two. Buy out two, the leveraging. Red man's on that one. Buy out four.

Buy out seven. This is the Ferrancing. It's buyout season. Buyout season. The person offering, mixtape titles is from Kennesaw, Georgia. He is Jason Kirk. Say hi, Jason.

You have a great idea on how to start this podcast because full disclosure, we're recording on Monday because the holiday is creeping up. And as you know, every coach is fired. So by the time you hear this, the things we say might be outdated. So what we're going to do is we're just going to lay out our bets right here for everything that will happen in the next, I don't know, 24 hours, as if it has already happened. Okay. So from science fiction to science fact, that's what we're laying out for you to see whether our powers are intact when it comes to predicting the ridiculous future from the absurd present. Jason, do you want to start this off? Yes. Let me just say that I am impressed by what Florida State did. Lost Jimbo Fisher to LSU, of course. And I feel like they went out and got the best coach available, bringing in less miles with SEC experience to take over in the ACC.

He's worked with Jimbo before. He's got Jimbo connections. He's beaten Florida before. So I don't know what more you want in your Florida State head coach than less miles. That's good. That's good. I would say this, that I think that I'm very impressed with Maryland's hire. I think it took real stones to go and rehire Randy Edsel.

but when you have a good thing you just don't let it go to just punt to say never mind I that's a realistic thing I think not enough times in life do you come back and say here's what I would like you to improve on

because we had an okay relationship and I don't want it to this can be something better you know we're in it for the long haul this isn't just a you know a five year relationship we're going for the 10 15 nay 20 years in the future in order to build something

really solid so well done maryland i'm impressed this was the turps being the very first on the block they they were the first power school uh with a vacancy so you know it's oh man terps got an advantage here now they sort of look up and a dozen others have joined them probably mostish of them better so you just you know what forget it we'll we'll try this again next year um i got to say the one i don't know if i feel great about it the move that i didn't see coming but has a perverse genius to it. Miami going out and giving that job to Mike Stoops. I mean, talk about a team that needs a resurgence of great defense.

Mike Stoops certainly has the pedigree for that in theory. And it's just so nice to see all three Stoops boys at the top of their field, especially with Mark Stoops getting the Indianapolis Colts job. It's an impressive get for the Colts. I really applaud their forward-thinking in taking another coach from the ranks of the college game and bringing them into the pros to breathe new life into an otherwise stale, strategic, and cultural environment. But I think it takes a lot of courage to admit that maybe you weren't ready for that and that you function best at the college level.

Yeah, I mean, Chip Kelly's going to do great things at Kentucky now. the foundation is there i'd be i'd be so worried if chip kelly had to get it hang on when you say the foundation is there are you referring to there literally being a playing service no i mean that mark stoop's left behind a uh a u-hall full of unpoored quick crete i was gonna say listen it was a trailer but rich brooks kept it clean and he only pooped in the one corner he had a beautiful lot that's the important part rich brooks had a beautiful a lot and with those savings you can go to the Mohegan Sun and have a pretty good weekend every single weekend. I call this the house at poop corner, so

Worst kids book ever. Thanks, Kenny Loggins. I think I've done calling my shots. I don't, that's I don't, we just didn't ship Kelly to Kentucky. What are we going to do to improve on that? Jack

Del Rio at USC, also a bold choice. I was impressed by Georgia going to get in Sunny Dikes from Cal. It seemed like a bad fit over there. His name's Sunny. That's like half the gig right there with Georgia. Like, well, name's sunny. He must be trustworthy. I do think it's dishonest that Hawaii preyed upon Frank Beamer's age and hired him,

but he actually has to pay $2.5 million a year to coach. Worth it. Worth it. I thought this was one of those. situations where you show up for the, you show up for the, for the, for the advertisement pitch, like once a week, and you get to do it for free. Oh, it's a timeshare deal?

Well, that's what they call it. You don't, you don't ever actually listen to it. You just show up once a week. Frank, all you've got to do is sit through this presentation and coach 13 games, and you'll get this $100 visa gift card. Oh, 13 games count in a bowl game, huh? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, we play 13 regular season games, and there are no bowl games.

I do like this scenario because A, it implies that maybe Frank Beamer got the Hawaii job walking from Terminal A to Terminal B, one of those credit card people going, hey, would you like 15,000 Skymiles in the Hawaii coaching job? Oh, sure. Is there a free hat? There here is. And two, that Bud Foster becomes a godlike surfer somewhere out on the massive waves. Because he is sneaky athletic. Oh, sneaky athletic. We've seen the man cut a cartwheel.

Dude, we've seen him water ski. that lunchbox is full of Hawaiian rolls He's just out there with some spam Asoubi Going you know man I mean I had it all back in Blacksburg But out here I'm just there's a whole new kind of I'm just there's just a whole new kind of feeling I got

I like that he started to Matthew McConaughey Man you know every accent Every year's in McConnor for me It's very hard Except ironically you're Mac Brown If you close your eyes If you close your eyes it's very difficult to tell Briles like our brow sounds like Matthew McConaughey with a cold

or like Matthew McConaughey's dad it's just a little deeper we're proud of everything Matthew's accomplished you know I mean he's not a porch dog that ain't McConaug he's he got to run you just got to let him go he'll come back every time

this weekend is rivalry weekend the thing that is difficult to say and often very difficult to watch because I think if we're real honest you have to admit that rivalries rarely attain a kind of balance they usually work in sort of one avalanche to another one streak of five games to another streak of six games to the rare moments when rivalries go back and forth generally though in rivalries one side is far

better than another and it's obvious how it's going to go at least until kentucky gets chip Kelly. Until then Louisville's dead. So is Florida shit. That streak's over. That streak is over for three years. And then it can restart because he'll be gone.

Jim McElwain should just not show up for the game. That's it. What was the score? What game? We got a bye week. By the way, I learned this week that y'all's coach doesn't just look like a youth pasture. He's like totally a youth pastor.

Like that dead fish object lesson he gave after the game. Y'all saw this one? Yep. In the presser, he gave this like three-minute extended metaphor about you go to the grocery store and you look at the dead fish and it just went on and on and on and on and man, he's got this

youth pastor thing down. We did produce Tim Tebow. Listen, we're going to parable the other side to the point of defeat. That's what it was. Yeah. The public's parable. Florida has really only hired several different kinds of clergymen

okay we hired scary priest urban Meyer right we hired a jocular televangelist Steve Spurrier fraudulent jocular

telegraphes yeah bye y'all and the Lord said reverse mortgages are the way to personal wealth call immediate to Haiti. Bye. Steve Spurrier is Creflow Dollar.

Rednecklow dollar. And now he's at South, when he was at South Carolina, he would hitch her ride on Florida's plane. That's some Creflow shit right there. I can't be seen flying commercial. What? Man of my station? He don't know.

Just because the section's called coach don't mean I belong there. And then we hired Ron Zuck, who's I don't know That's a head of deacons The head of deacons The guys

The guys are kind of I think he's the army chaplain The Kind of the overly motivated army chaplain Like We're running an ultramarathon tomorrow morning Sometimes getting shot in the legs The best thing that could happen to you

So that we hired That we hired the Bizarre parable telling youth pastors, really kind of all of a piece for us, really. Well, Mushchev. It was kind of a head of a militant cult. Oh, yeah, he's the Pentecostal.

Yeah, he's the terrified. The terrified Pentecostal preacher ends up with 12 lonely congregants stranded on a roadside. My body's made of snake bites. I think he quit once they started speaking in tongues and he thought they were speaking French. We can't have that.

It's an unmasculent language. I speak in tongue, sure, but I only speak American when I do it. but yeah this is like for instance this weekend rivalry weekend we have Alabama Auburn which yeah that's that tends to run in long streaks and this is going to be part of a long streak against Auburn because that game will not be pretty it will be ugly it will be bad the thing about rival rivalry which is a brilliant river the BoJackson commercial nobody can pronounce it it's the first good commercial in this long confusing run of commercials

because it really is hard to say it is but the thing does that not feel like a timid does that not feel like a tim and eric skit a little bit like when you're watching it it's so good the commercial just completely falls apart because nobody can say words i don't know what they're selling or why it's supposed to make me want to buy it um and i don't know how it relates to the plot of the other commercials which are all confusing but i like watching it but like like the thing about this weekend is even though we know who's going to win we cannot fathom how gross it's going to get bama's going to beat auburn sure granted that goes without saying but it's it's either going to be just a disgusting blowout or Auburn's going to drag bama down to their level and and make them earn it the old-fashioned way I only know what that means

the line on this game is 13 and a half um which means that Auburn is predicted to be about as competitive on the road as LSU was at home against Bama. That feels about right. Okay. It does. It really, really does. It's got the, you put the hate filter on it. That swings the Vegas line about a touchdown.

Even Bill Connolly, who's much smarter than me about sports, says that maybe advanced stats should have some sort of a rivalry. Modifier of sort. Yeah, yeah. He's actually looked into like, you know, for the last week of the season, maybe just sort of spin a dial, who knows. A ratio, if you will. Right. Yes. And that some.

Scal algorithm. Some way of saying this. The scalogorism for me here is that Auburn scores seven points on merit, mostly via some sort of convoluted triple motion, three fake Gus Malzon play where Alabama's hyper-programmed corners can't. deal with the chaos and they give up a long TD. That can happen. They get three points via a turnover and then they get three points via kind of an abortive, stunted offensive drive that gets to like the 35. And also there's going to be that moment where they get a touchdown and there's something goofy

happens to get the ball back. And right then, that's when they strike with the pot pass with the linemen about 12 yards downfield just because the reps are so confused and disorganized. That's when they strike in and pull that one off and Bama fans are match. out about it for about 12 months. So we're saying that Auburn can score 20 points. I feel pretty confident about that. I'll cap them at a hard 20.

Hard 20. Can Alabama score 20 points? Yeah, I think so. Oh, yeah. On Auburn's defense? I mean, this is the same Auburn team that only scored 10 points on Georgia, but I'm glad you too have faith. Yeah, that's the rivalry stuff.

It's the rivalry. Okay. We're saying 20 is a cap, man. I'm just giving up, like, if I was given the rivalry discount, that's seven points. Oh, this is when you go to the bank and you're like, this is the most will loan you, even though you shouldn't need that much, and you're not credit worthy enough for $400,000 of mortgage. Exactly. Correct. So Auburn's about to be underwater. Cool.

Yeah, which is, you know. I didn't mean that as a metaphor. No, that's a real out there going to be pushed off the coast of Alabama to a better place, the bottom of the ocean. so they go into the what bowl's in Mobile that'd be the GMA is that the old GMA school go Daddy go Daddy bowl now yeah that'd be the

go daddy bowl where the bells where the bells of the ball stand on the sideline don't sleep on Mobile by the way Mobile's fun Mobile's fine Mobile's I'm not going to say nice but it's really fun I would say every other town in Alabama is basically

the same except once you get down towards the Gulf then things get pretty good. Talk to everybody you know who's gone to Mobile, like randoms from like L.A. and New York if they ended up a Mobile. They will all tell you the same story. Man, that place is fun. I got so drunk there.

Yeah, there's alcohol there. You can drink it. It's for sale. Which is not true everywhere in Alabama, in fairness. It's probably, it's actually not. I mean, there's a boat you can look at. There's water. There's a bunch of people who all live like.

Ken Stabler? Every last one of them. There might be Ken Stabler. Yeah, I mean, dead don't stop the party. That's all I'm saying. Roll tight. So I think we're okay with the idea that Alabama, Auburn is going to be either a struggle or a blowout,

but there's absolutely no way a six and five Auburn team upends a 10-and-1 Alabama team. But if they did. If they did. If they did it, O.J. Leave. leave be gone get out of my sight take your drudge ass corporate self just get the hell out and then they take it out on florida that's fine i don't care what do you mean taking out on florida

old miss is getting that spot then yeah i'm okay oh come on now if this is the kind of day with such madness that involves in the iron bowl oh man the egg bowl could be a 95 point shootout yeah nothing Nothing would assure that Old Miss loses the egg bowl more than Bama loses the Iron Bowl four hours before. It's all there for the ribs to tank. It's all lining up. Hugh Freeze would fall into a sinkhole pregame. The power of our glory is here. All right.

All right. You got a clear land in here. You just need to ease. Oh, shit. You went all flat on me. You upside down like Denzel Washington. This is just like that. movie flight but with a much different ending

you didn't even drink hugh how'd you fly upside down without drinking oh it's just called a reverse that's all chad kelly stranded in the world that is some few free shit it would be man that would be his trick play the trick play bullshit he always does we're going to fly the plane upside down yeah in the red

zone old miss is inside the five yard line just line up five shots and do them all coach why did you fly the plane backwards Look, I read some Vice article today about Fallout 4, and if Fallout 4, your character can take drugs. And this guy, of course, for Vice, was like,

I just made my character take drugs as often as frequently as possible in the game. That's Old Miss inside the five-yard line. What drugs are you on? All of them. There's no telling what I'm going to do in here. Look, it's my 300-pound defensive end. I'll give him a carry. Give him lots of carries.

We'll get him injured doing that. We'll get him knocked out against the mid-major. It'd be great. Hey, they needed that. They did. They're Old Miss. Don't take anything for granted. You know, we're laughing at Old Miss.

Who did they beat this year? All three of them for the first time. The first time. They are state champs of Alabama and Louisiana, but not Tennessee. They beat LSU. They beat Auburn. And they beat Alabama, which is unheard of territory for Old Miss. But they lost to the best two teams in the SEC East.

What I'm saying is that you're a little less sick, old man. day by day you're a little less sick but not this weekend don't touch that with a 10 foot pole right now in Mississippi State they got the juju they got some kind of weird spectral voodoo coming out of that 51 50 Arkansas game you don't want to touch you think those fans

were turned out ready to fight after being in Arkansas oh my God just you try and score 50 on him this week you know that voodoo is actually Dan Mullen desperately clawing for an escape right For the Virginia Tech job. God, please. I've got to get to Blacksburg.

Like, I can't decide which team has the worst luck and or historical momentum that like either Dan Mullen, like, what will happen? Will Dan Mullen with the snake-bitten Mississippi State program, will he beat Old Miss by 40 and then leave the next day for Virginia Tech? Yes, yes. Or will he lose by 40 and then leave for Virginia Tech? Which would hurt worse This Tuesday's your own adventure book sucks Man my conspiracy theory And this would be this

That Hugh Freeze is such an old Miss Rebel That in order to spite Dan Mullen He takes the Virginia Tech job Just to keep Dan Mullen pinned in Starkville Oh he'll underbid too Oh y'all y'all are going to pay Dan $5 million I'll do it for three and a half I'll take a pay cut

And then he gets somebody else like Hugh Freeze. Hey, do you know Hugh Free's room with Chip Kelly? They're like soulmates. They're buddies. How did Chip Kelly end up in Virginia Tech? Hey, listen, man, I'm going to call in a favor. Remember that time that I kept you from dying in Mexico at the hands of those like, you know, mafiosi? Yeah. Okay, I need you to take this job. Why? Don't ask. Don't ask. See, I was thinking that Hugh would lose the game on purpose in order to, in order to screw over the Bulldogs. Get Dan up out of there. See, that's simple and possible. I don't see that happening. one of those strict plays it has to be something more excruciating their punishment must be more severe

will must champ right right Jesus this is a family program no it's not fuck that oh if willb must champ I cannot think of a more sorrowful

combination of factors that will must champ in Starkville oh you thought the crew offense was bad you'll be craving three to two you'll be thinking it's German chocolate cake

Oh Hey you know they just got a cookout In Starkville You can eat your sorrow How the hell did we score negative seven points Coach said he didn't want him Just got to execute better Oh man

That's a return to some crow magnin shit That I don't even want to imagine I mean if you If you can't replicate Alabama with Florida recruits, I'm sure you can do it with Messas B states. They're basically the same. Other rivalry

games this week, Iowa Nebraska, this is the last shot for somebody to take out Iowa. They're not doing it. Nope. Nope. Not happening. But if you are not a fan of undefeated Iowa, 11 and O at this point, by the way. First of all, you can get the fuck out. Yeah, go ahead.

You can go straight to hell. Although, I will point out, Iowa is only favored by a point in a half. that seems right that's fine okay well Ryan Iowa's not very good shit you're not supposed to say that out loud we all like Iowa but no no no Jason you miss the point the whole thing we're trying to do here is get Iowa into the playoff and then turn around and say they're not very good oh man yeah I was Kevin Hart man

he's just all hustle and too small to do what they're doing constantly being photographed next to famous people exactly and then one day someone wrote him a check. And you know what? No one's called Kevin Hart on it and I'm not going to call Iowa on it. And you know what? Kevin Hart just like Iowa, the longer you watch it the more you think, you know what, I don't mind this at all. I think this makes Kirk Farrant's Ice Cube, which sort of fits because you're like, man, you keep doing stuff, but I feel like you haven't been relevant in quite a while. I have a scariest man alive in 1991, Kirk Farns. It's true. The other, another game that you really shouldn't look at. I'm going to devote

like two sentences to it. Oregon State Oregon. Yeah, don't watch it. Civil War. Yeah. If this is the Civil War, that this is like the Battle of Atlanta. It's a blowout. This is like the Civil War in some country that doesn't really even have. This is the Falklands War.

Yeah. Yeah. Don't watch it. You can turn that one off early too. It's going to be bad, y'all. It's going to be real bad. A game, which by tradition is being properly played under a clear but freezing sky at 36 degrees in Ann Arbor, Michigan. At noon.

Yeah, Ohio State, Michigan. Get that big tan in your veins, son. The Big Ten East runner-up game. It's very important. None more B-1G than an offensively crippled Ohio State team limping into a classic matchup against Michigan. This one, it's going to be. noon and it involves two teams which are in various degrees of out of sorts because Michigan

is still on the learning curve and Ohio State is rapidly falling off the learning curve and has been all year and Michigan State finally caught them but this this this is going to be ugly as hell this is one where all that shit just sort of amplifies everything yeah if it's 10 to 10 at half time great perfect yeah that's how we want it what do you mean if if no I'm saying we'll aim high aim high maybe we can Oh, instead of 3.3, I guess. Yeah. I mean, this is where the rules flip.

Because if it's 7.3 in the third quarter, we'll all be like, oh, yeah. Yeah, this is the one where the big 10 fans say, if this was an SEC game, everyone would be calling it a great defensive matchup. And we say, shut the fuck out. We love this. This is great. No one's complaining about your 7th the 3 game. Fourth quarter, it's going to be tied 2-2. It's going to be all.

Hell yeah. I mean, you say this, but the other game that decides who goes to the. Big Ten Championship is actually the one that's more likely to be 3-3 at the half. Oh my God, Michigan State, Penn State for the Land Grant Trophy. It looks like a closet. First one to 130 yards wins. Oh, my God. The line in that game is, I think it's state by, Michigan State by one and a half.

Yeah. Yeah, if you could get down to eight, if you could get down to eighths of points, that's what I really think was most appropriate. I feel like it's one and a half because two zero is the minimum possible score for a football game final. St. Pensate is going to be watching two power loaders from aliens that are super low on battery, fight each other. Clank, clank, clank, clank,

let's put it a little more bluntly. This is going to be watching robots from the 1950s fuck. Oh, man. Slank, clank, clank. Put another vacuum tube in. Penn State's a little sluggish.

And this is exactly how MSU wants it. I really have no idea what it is that James Franklin wants his team to look like. I don't think it's this, though. I don't think this is his arena. No, no, no. This is, I don't know what he wants on offense. I know that, is it John Donovan? Yeah.

Well, if we're still doing the coaching change thing, probably not by time of publication. So it's a great move for Penn State to hire Chip Kelly's offensive coordinator. God, shit, you're getting around, girl. Yeah, he didn't want to sell his condo, so he's just going to go commute and do his work there. Great move for them. Brilliant. We are.

Other rivalry games, by the way. If, by the way, if Penn State wins that, that would, of course, be complete rank hilarity. Other rivalry games, oh, oh, how could we not mention Florida State in Florida? We could have not mentioned that a lot, actually. Yeah, because it kind of feels like Talvin Cook's just going to pull out a switchblade and gutt us in that game. Yep.

Yep. That's what's going to happen. You've decided. I am excited to see what new bad decision Triane Harris can make. It might be something like investing in Beanie Babies in between the first and second quarter. He's going to come out with a Golden Palace tattoo. Guys, I got the Princess Diana. It only cost three great.

it's an investment it's great have you heard go down in value have you heard about bitcoin too far you know actually florida's season trajectory is a little bit like bitcoin it really is we're like wow what's this hey nobody expected oh okay cool so we're all broke great i mean this is well i mean bitcoin might have been a factor some of that stuff your quarterback got you can only get off the dark web so it's true this offensive is definitely off the deep dark web right now. A bunch of

cold fish and fake currency. That's the Florida gators right now, man. Like the most miserable 10 and one team you've ever seen in terms of performance. But hey, it's 10 of 1, baby. We are playing with house money at this point. I didn't expect to win six games. This is great.

We illegally downloaded this offense. You wouldn't illegally download an offense. How did you? Would you share the password for the SEC championship with me? Yeah, sure. You can get in.

Here. Damn you, Netflix. The Netflix Bowl. Florida versus Alabama. It's all on Alabama's account. Netflix and Kill. Other rivalry games of note, Jason, if you're looking down the calendar. Let me actually do so.

Y'all just skipped right over our Thanksgiving slate, by the way. Oh, no. to watch Texas. I mean, that's not the game you should watch. Texas Tech at Texas is, you know, key of Texas wants to pull out bowl eligibility. Oh, right. There is actually an important game, not the Texas game.

But South Florida at UCF, South Florida is now coming off of two really impressive wins against Temple and Sincey, I believe. Willie Taggart doesn't turn that thing around. They are at seven wins at this point already, so they're bowl eligible. Yep. Coach Tied driving this bus.

UCF remains, winless and that poor bar in Orlando remains given out free drinks as a result. Yep. So watch this just to, just like, South Florida, I know I talk a lot of shit about Tampa and I don't feel bad about any of it. Please do me a solid and assure that UCF rides off into the sunset with this winless season. Tampa versus Orlando. For all the sadness.

I like that this game is on ESP. and Texas's game is on FS1. Really great TV deal, the Big 12th guy. That is awesome how the Texas team that has its own network with ESPN has to appear on Thanksgiving on Fox. Not even Fox.

Junior Fox. Oh, I'm sorry. FS1. It's like Fox 3. No, it's cool Fox. Cool dad, Fox. Star Fox. Star Fox. Star Fox. Do a bear roll, Charlie Strong, right to that Miami job. Yeah, Texas, you're more of a slippy.

reason. It's one right on my tail. God damn it, Slippy. I've been playing this game for three seconds. You already got a bogey on your tail. Iowa State, no! The other game, Missouri at Arkansas, if you want to ride, man, if you want to ride the snake.

You want to chase a dragon, if you want to watch. We all make choices. Yeah, we do. Arkansas should win this game, but that doesn't mean a damn thing. Well, I mean, I would say this game would be like three to three, but we just saw the hogs in 101 point shootout. Could Missou crack like 12 points? Probably could, and they'd probably still lose by 30. It should be.

Let us talk. Should be properly ugly. Although, we were trying to do this. We didn't quite get this together for EDSBS. So we might get this together. If you win the Golden Boot as Arkansas, and then you win the Arkansas Missouri trophy, then you've got half of Mimel, which is the imaginary shape, created by getting Minnesota, Iowa, Missouri, Arkansas, and Louisiana all in a line on the U.S. map. So I kind of wish that Arkansas played both of those teams so that they could get the whole thing.

Maybe that's Burt's Big Ten SEC Challenge. That's his hook there. That's it. He just wants the gophers. He's like, I remember three things from elementary school. One of them's Mimel. Mimel's a coolest. Then they got to go beat Kentucky so you can have his dick sticking out.

No, it's Tennessee. Remember Tennessee? Sorry. Tennessee's Mimels Wang. Yeah, Kentucky is the piece of chicken sitting on Tennessee's. Oh, that's Wang, which is really like... Better ingredients. This is pure Burt.

That is exactly. That we beat Tennessee that year. Remember, we got Mimel's wang? Remember I got to put chicken on my dick? Yeah, do that every night. Can't wait to go hop on the chicken. It's protein. It's good for you.

Can we have a moment of sadness and silence? for the rivalry of broken dreams Baylor at TCU Oh, they still have to play that game What could have been? Baylor's probably going to light them up Although we've come To the end of the road

Gary Paterson can play that on the guitar Well, I was going to say he just drums it out on his belly I'm laughing so hard Like it's been it's been two days And I'm still laughing at how sweaty Gary Patterson is I want to see at what temperature he stopped sweating. Is it like 15 degrees? Because I'll, I want to climate test this.

Like TCU and a bowl game in Boise. Just get him somehow to Boise when it's like five degrees of Boise. And Gary Patterson's out there and like a dry fit shirt telling himself off. Jesus. He's actually, he's actually a very, uh, well-manicured wampa. Oh, is it hot out here to anybody else also? I would like to tear your arm off. I'm going to freeze you and eat you.

Jesus, it's hot. Hold on. Christ. Is that a taunton? Can I have a bite? Because I thought for a while, well, you know, it is hot in Texas. Yeah. Maybe it's just him. Nope. Nope. Gary Patterson is just universally sweaty. He's emotionally sweaty. Like, I bet like when he signs for houses, he's like, whew, man. Waity decision here. It's a big mortgage. And yet he couldn't have been less, he couldn't have been more chill about going for two against Oklahoma.

No. Not a drop hit the ground when he made that decision. Ice water. Ice water in these veins, much like a river. Ice water all over the ground around him. A giant puddle. It's more of an ice water main break. I mean, he's like, he's like, Olaf and Frozen.

Or the senator and X-Men who becomes a big blob of water. Gary Patterson, he's like, whoa. Hold my head, storm. Other games You know man I'm just gonna go This is this is just You want to just

A list of series of disasters They don't even need commentary Okay Maryland at Rutgers Maryland at Rutgers The Rivalry Clemson at South Carolina Yeah

Good God Georgia at Georgia Tech Yo Virginia Second Virginia A game that Frank Beamer Needs if he wants To keep his bowl streak alive

And a game that Mike Linden needs. No, they doesn't. He's won three games this year and he's still going to keep his job. Yeah, is Mike London the candidate who, because everybody else is looking for a coach, is going to keep his job because they're like, yeah, I don't want

any part of this. I feel like at this point, Mike London, it's kind of like, I mean, can it get worse? Why? Why, why hurry? Why not just keep him around? I mean, this is supposed to be the year when there was a little bit of tangible progress and i don't feel like there was that so whatever yeah maybe give him another four years

to tool up and have another these years to point toward no this is your lady acquaintance who's married to a total loser like hey virginia you got to dump mike london oh no he's thinking about going to massage school no we've been we've been together since 2003 so i don't think i just don't know if i can get out there and date again i don't like him but oh virginia you can fix your hair up being single is scary listen virginia we'll we'll take you to finishing school this is what what this is proving is that we need some sort of tinder but for coaches oh my god you know there's there's legs to this yeah that's good you didn't swipe right on new heiselt yeah i did yeah twice listen it's three a m something about something about that man

it's 3 a.m. in the coach hiring day just text gary patterson you up you never know maybe a bite you up no it's virginia football we're not no no definitely not we're definitely not up further horrors there are even more horrors on this ain't boston college syracuse no scoffer's last game uh i am perversely interested in duke at wake forest not because Yeah, because you're dumb. You're stupid. It's an idiot move. Don't do it.

You can't. This is one of your bad ideas, Ryan. You want to know why? Oh, no. I don't. After, so Duke loses that Miami game, right? And they have lost since then, too. They got shellacked by UNC, which UNC is an excellent team.

That's fine. They got beat badly by Pitt. So, again, you know, Pitts had a very nice year. And then they just lost a UVA on the road. Can the death spiral be so deep and so sad that they lose their last game of the year to wake, all because of ACC officiating, just ruining their sense of self? You're the Lars Van Trier of college football fans? In that I'm not very popular, yes.

What do you want to do? The entire story is about someone dying slowly over two hours. It's Dave Claussen grows to an enormous size. He overtakes the Earth's gravity And we all die in a fiery inferno Thanks Lars Wake Forest goes 3 and 9 in this movie They go 3 and 9 in most movies to be honest

There are some laws of the universe I cannot change A few actual games of merit A few in here Real quick before we do that Let me squeeze this one in at the buzzer Do it This is the worst game of the year Are you ready for this?

Shoot your shot YouLM at Hawaii How the fuck is that on the schedule? Can ULM afford plane tickets to Hawaii? Can Hawaii afford to have the lights on? Neither of these schools has a head coach. They have a combined three wins. This is the worst game of the year right here.

I bet they just sent the bill to ESPN. They're just charge it to Bristol. Listen, if you're, well, bad news there. There's no TV station listed. I think this one is one on Aloha.com, MountainWest.com, whatever. Doesn't matter. Robert Kakala will be calling it on Periscope. He will be in the booth.

That sounds pretty good. I'd watch that. I'm stupid, but I'd watch that. Anyway, now that that's out there, we can move on. Good. That's rough, man. It's only on the OCE. Oceanic.

That's pay per view. Isn't that the plane that crashes in law? Yes. Oh, this is how that entire plot starts. It's about ULM football. That's it. We'll be like, man, those lost guys were amazing. They were writing about the Warhawks before it was cool. Other games that are actually of merit, actual merit, Notre Dame at Stanford. This is actually really important.

Yeah, because you could just knock Notre Dame out of the picture entirely. And maybe build Stanford's outside chance to sneak back into the playoff if they would. With a little bit of madness. A little bit of madness. Not even that much at this point. Some. Just one or two upsets and we're really talking. You could also watch the joy of Notre Dame fans, the most racist of Notre Dame fans,

watching Christian McCaffrey run out of the back film and going. Just yearning. He's so gritty. He's so alabaster. I'm sure. And Albin hope in cleats. It's like watching a precious moment's doll run. Dear God, he's an altar boy to brutality.

I'm so hard. God, he's beautiful. That's the best part. Nobody stayed awake to watch Christian McCaffrey absolutely wrecked shit the back 12. The Patriots are going to get him and everyone will be like Bill, Bill, a tech's genius. How does he find these unheralded Heisman contenders?

This dude, the people in college just don't know how to appreciate him. No, he played at Stanford. It was 1130. Most people were. we're asleep unless you're stupid like us we saw him he was awesome god we're stupid we tried to tell you about the white guy try to tell you about the awesome white guy finally finally a college football podcast they give us some credit to white people at last at last do you hear me pfd commenter he doesn't he doesn't he's not listening to this he's just you know what he feels it

though in his gut because the take he feels it Gindle might listen, though. He's got some time. And we know Rick Perry listens, so. Because he's retweeted us. Speaking of, speaking of their two teams,

A&M, LSU. Wow. Those two teams coming together where A&M's defensive coordinator still has an ongoing court case in the state of Louisiana unless Miles might be fired. It's a situation of litigation.

For the Tiger Nation. Oh, is this how they're going to pay the buyout? Yep. That's how they're going to do it. They're going to get the settlement from him, turn right around and give that to Les. Oh, it's brilliant. Yeah, you underestimate those swamp geniuses. So this was all planned out because the reason Chavis left is because LSU's AD put a clause in his contract that he was not owed money if less would be fired that offended Chavis, but LSU knew that would offend him.

They put that in, they planted that seed. This is like what this is like Inception is what this is Mm-hmm You have to go three levels down Which is what LSU has done over the course of the season Oh Oh

I'm a bad guy to go lower Sinko We have to go unranked That's pretty good The last game of merit That has some bearing on how things might potentially pan out in terms of the national title picture. We haven't even talked about Bedlam.

We haven't talked about Oklahoma at Oklahoma State. Imagine a bunch of teams with one loss at the end of the season and the Big 12 having a problem differentiating each other to the voting public and to the committee when it comes to overall quality. Imagine who could have foreseen. This has never happened. It's as if the Big 12 is fixed to nothing.

from one year to the next in terms of problems. No, but Spencer, they installed a tiebreaker this off season, so everything's fine. It's cool. I'm sure that will help you with the committee. The tiebreaker, I don't know if they fixed it. When it very first came out, it had a whole bunch of confusing clauses that, like, someone figured out it would have made it actually worse to win a certain game. There were, like, actual ways to rig the tiebreaker. And then they put out another version that was much more streamline.

and seemed more in line with others. But hey, we're about to, we're about the live test this thing. So, Oklahoma State beat Oklahoma last year in this game. And kind of a fluky, stupid ending, but they won all the same. They have not beaten Oklahoma in consecutive years in quite some time. Do you know the last coach to pull off that particular feat? Les Miles Yes, sir

What I'm saying is that Mike Gundy's getting the LSU job Okay The pipeline You know, a tradition is a tradition And I think that means Paul Rhodes is getting the Auburn job It's only right

Once Gus Malz on takes that Eagles job Who Who