Shutdown Fullcast - Shutdown Fullcast 3.37.0

Episode Date: December 2, 2015

The final regular season preview episode of the Shutdown Fullcast is an emotional one, especially when Ryan starts talking about the tragedy of putting tomatoes in the refrigerator. Topics include: --The Playoff rankings, and the discussion of every single scenario possible that might turn this otherwise clear national title setup into a complete trash-heap --One of those is Florida winning! A thing that cannot happen! --Reader questions, including the aforementioned passionate plea on behalf of tomato protectors everywhere, a refusal to read any questions not sent in by a woman, a protracted battle against the registered sexhavers of Twitter, and why Roomba would be better out of the backfield than easily half of the running backs in the nation. --A truncated look at the week to come, and vigorous debate about the most racist and patriotic of the championship games. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown forecast. My goodness, an array of things to cover before championship weekend here in the first week of December, 2015. Before we do that, as always, I'd like to welcome my co-host to the program. First of all, I'm Spencer Hall. Hi. Editorial Director of SB Nation and founder of Every Day Should Be Saturday. Joining me from Brooklyn, New York, making mistakes just by living. Ryan Nanny.

I mean, I would be making mistakes as a dead person, too. I just want to be clear. Whatever afterlife awaits me, I'm going to fuck it up somehow. Yeah, we're proud of you for that. And joining us from Kennesaw, Georgia, where, remember, every household leader must own a gun by law. Jason Kirk. Hey, bang, bang! What's up, y'all?

How do you decide who the leader is in the house? Is there an election? Is there some sort of strength contest? Well, Ryan, I think about this. the top is whoever has the most guns oh shit it's oh it's so circular i love it which came first the gun or the leader this is a simple simple town it doesn't matter what happens first it's uh what happens most i think if there's a tie for the number of guns owned in the household then it defaults to whoever's got the sam's club card on them i think at that point it might be who's got

the most guns in their hand i'm confused because i thought in kennesaw your sam's club card was also a gun. It just has your member number on it instead of the serial number. Yeah, we robbed the Sam's Club every day. It's the only way to survive here in this war-torn, war-torn, bombed-out hellhole. Man, Fallout 4 is great. It's amazing. Can't Fallout 4, Kennesaw.

I've got a metal robot in my house that plays baseball. You have reached the Zaxby's. Which one, yes. Yes. I started playing that game the other day, and you go out of the neighborhood and you see a dog, and it barks at you. And I just unloaded on that dog, and I was like, oh, wait, this is my friend. Truly, you are Kennesaw. I was going to say that.

I blasted the shit out of the dog. The dog's bleeding and, like, smiling at me. I was like, oh, we're friends. That's how Jason and I met, actually. We met at a Taco Mac where I just opened up on Spencer. Plow, blow, blouse. Seriously, just some buckshot in the Buckshot in the ass

was great. It was an awesome way to bond because really our relationship could only go up from there. New employee orientation. It's getting the bad stuff out the way. New employee orientation for the college football team is very unpleasant

at Espy nation. Did you survive the shooting? Congratulations. You're part of the team now. We do have health benefits. We do. We better. They're excellent.

They're excellent. They cover major trauma wounds and should. Mm-hmm. The playoff rankings came out tonight. We should discuss those first because there are a number of things that could happen here with one week. And I do, there's one week left before we get the entire playoff picture and the bowl picture left. And I don't want to short the bowl picture, by the way, because we already have one fantastic bowl on the board, i.e.

The Popeye's Bahamas Bowl, which is in the Bahamas, involves a glorious fried chicken chain, maybe our finest fast food restaurant. Certainly in contention, yeah. it's in the playoff let's put it that way yeah it's in the playoff on question right conference champion in its division i would argue and it involves middle tennessee state fairly entertaining team and western michigan an extremely entertaining team that's coached by an actual crazy person it is coached by a living maniac but like a crazy not a crazy person in the sense of like oh be careful of that man on the street corner who's not wearing any pants this is more of like, oh, this is a man who will try to sell you a bowflex, because that's his job.

I feel like he's a kind of crazy person who might decide to become an illusionist tomorrow. But as a religious thing. Yeah, he'll take a very serious. Oh yeah, he's not in it for the money. He's in it for the illusions. Yeah, he's sort of a more real world Joe Bluth. Yeah, he's, um, P.J. Fleck is an amazing an amazing substance. I don't even want to call him a person. He's kind of a plasma that occupies clothing.

And we'll seriously say things, but before they went out and got flattened by Ohio State, looks at his locker room and says something like, Ohio's never beaten an unranked Mac team on the road, which it wasn't on the road, but on the road when they're number one, then looks at his team and goes, row the boat!

This is after he said, horseshoe, Bronco foot Horseshoe Branco foot implying that We're going to step on them Or somehow wear the stadium

As protective We're going to walk this stadium Right out of here We're going to throw the stadium We're going to repossess one of the world's largest buildings Throw the boat We're going to throw the stadium And hit a farmer in the head

And he's going to have a traumatic brain injury We're going to need four of these gigantic stadiums with our Mac budget So we better beat the shit out of a house take. This is the best Transformers movie ever. That man gets to play a game in the Bahamas. I can't believe he's allowed to leave the country.

Are we sending Roger to this again? Maybe. It's not whether he's allowed to leave the country. It's whether he's allowed to re-enter. That's the big challenge here. I pity the customs agent who has to deal with PJ Fleck, especially if Western Michigan loses this game. Anything to declare? Well, let me begin.

Sit down, friend. I think it might be worse if they win, because then he's even wiser. Then he has more, more, more, more witticisms to impart to that poor TSA person. He's going to go, like, his speech before this game will be spectacular, and it will be something like, the Bahamas were annexed by the United States in 1974. No, they weren't.

And Middle Tennessee State, they can't even get a whole state. they can't well you're western Michigan that's just like part of Michigan never mind it's it's like if Les Miles and Mike Leach had a baby and it took the medicine from flowers for algebra or not or limitless right but you're seeing all the wrong math

Popeye's ghost pepper chicken you can't see the peppers I can see it in your eyes men row the boat two plus pig equals dry rock Mitzu is fucked here Yeah, they're done They're so done This man's got a whole month

To come up with stuff to say But you do get to leave Murfreesboro So there's that Well, that part's great That part's fantastic You take that L For a month of Popeyes Yeah

Is there a Popper? There's a McDonald's in Murfreesboro I think that's about all they got Man, there's so much more To Murfreesboro Than the McDonald's now because they got like a Ryan's family steakhouse. So who

suck it Jason Kirk. According to Google Maps, Murfreesboro has no less than two Popeyes. What? Oh! Yeah. Don't thorn me. God damn. Oh, and one. They might not even show up. One more. Does Western, does WMU

have a Popeyes? Listen if you Look this up, Rand. Yeah, you need to learn yourself on this, but I will say this. If you hop right up Enon Springs Road, you can even go to the one and Smyrna, if the other two just happened to be occupied. We've got a backup pop-pies. Yeah.

So, ha. It would appear that Kalamazoo, Michigan also has a Popeye's chicken. It's just one. It opened in October. Okay, okay. So maybe WMU, maybe not other players have tried it. So they still have all the strength that can be gained from Popeyes is in front of them. whereas Mitsu, they're already at their full potential.

Yeah, I think that's right. Okay, so I'll take the horses. Do you know where Popeyes supposedly got its name, according to this news article I'm reading about the Kalamazoo Popeyes? From the Bahamas, I believe. Correct. Correct. That's not right.

It's from the French connection. Oh, yeah, from Gene Hackman. Yeah. I don't get it, but whatever. Yeah, because the guy who runs Popeyes was also an insane person. See, this is a perfect match between Coach and Bowles sponsor. The playoff rankings, like I said, would that take 18 minutes? At least.

It was a lovely diversion. You're only a tenth of the way through the podcast, listener. Keep going. You can do it. Well, you're in traffic, right? You're probably in traffic. You should have pulled your toenails out before this. That's on you.

Now you're stuck. cop might see you messing with your iPad, pod, phone, digital machine. You don't want that. Just keep listening to this. It's not worth the ticket. $79. This is it. If somebody actually decides that messing with their phone is worth the ticket rather than listening to this podcast, email me.

I'll pay the ticket. So your playoff rankings as of now. And I do love the way that they understand. veil these because they just go number one and they wait to like they know this is just built on antagonism so they're like they count down one to three and then they let you see the like three teams that are in the soon to be screwed or saved position right so you're 10 count down count down from one Clemson one Alabama two Oklahoma three and Iowa four I don't think any of us have a serious problem with that top four do we not unchanged from last week

which, based on what happened last Saturday, and in the other days of the Thanksgiving weekend, yeah, I think that's fine. No major problems, it's fair. I'd have MSU over Iowa based on they've played more actually good teams, but they're going to settle it on the field. Now, here's where it gets, I think, trucks them, a little debatey, slightly controversial,

where your objections might be obstreper. and valid at the same time. Five is Michigan State. Now, obviously, Iowa and Michigan State are going to play each other. One of these teams will lose that game. Maybe both, if this turns out to be ugly enough, which Iowa's playing and Michigan State is playing.

There is a 1% chance they could play a game so ugly that they both get dropped. 1%. I'm not saying 99. There was a complete lack of game control by either team in this game. Like if this is, if this game comes out to zero, first of all, congratulations. We found that the officials were the only ones with any game control.

It's like really good Jeff Long. But yeah, if this comes out to zero, there's like the 1% chance that they're like, nah, let's just put Ohio State. I think we've seen enough. We've seen enough. We don't need either of these teams in. Ohio State learned their lesson. Give them the spot.

Give them the spot. Just hand it to them. but Iowa and Michigan State one of those teams will be in that four spot after the Big Ten championship there are a few scenarios where numbers five or number six Ohio State

and number seven Stanford and then like an nth of a percent chance of Notre Dame and eight getting in and this is what it's going to take Jason what is it going to take for this to happen there are two games being played that could decide this fate well there's one that's

sort of up to debate because we know well we know that oklahoma has one spot um and anyone who doubts that should realize that jeff long also said that oklahoma's big 12 conference championship bonus has yet to kick in there are no actual numbers here but he said that so that's one spot uh the other is the big 10 which it's either michigan state or iowa unless the ugliness scenario happens in which case it's ohio states um so that leaves us with the florida is now America's team, basically, the Gators, who are all the way down at number 18, sorry America, which makes them far too far away to actually jump up and steal the four spot, even if they beat number two Alabama, but they technically could beat number two

Alabama, in which case there would be a totally vacated spot. So if you're into chaos and mayhem, Florida is your safest, if you could pick one team to win, that would be the one to win. That is true generally in life. If you're into chaos and mayhem, Florida is for you. Yes. Then we're not even talking about sports. Generally, yeah. Now, that's not happening, but

if like, I don't know, half of Alabama's team came down with a mysterious illness or Alabama was forced to forfeit the game or, you know, any number of, any number of things could happen.

yeah no that's the list yeah i was trying to think of more no you're good you're good two is a number two is two is more two is multiple can i bring up one i just want to drop one thing when we can just leave it at that okay Oklahoma we all agree Oklahoma is the safest team right here just because they don't have another game to play they're technically the big 12 champion because the big 12 does this does it this way I just want to say TCU last year in this exact same spot in the year the ranking before

conference championship week had the number three spot that's all that's all and then promptly bombed out that's all and and it was not because of anything they did nope right it was because of the

their head to head loss against Baylor had actually not mattered all season until Baylor finally had an equal schedule so so then And that plus Baylor cancelling out the conference championship bump, you know, and also Oklahoma, I mean, I guess the scenario here is say Iowa just demolishes Michigan State, beats Michigan State like Ohio State did Wisconsin last year, which now we're talking, we're picturing with our minds, Iowa scoring 60 points. This is a very heaven's gate scenario. Say Iowa scores 60 points. I say Kirk Ferrens has 20 and decides to score more

and say also Stanford does the same to USC In that scenario Maybe we start thinking about Oklahoma falling Because that's what Ohio State did last year To steal the four spot I am pretty confident that Iowa It's not going to score 60 points So I mean to me it's I just don't see any way Oklahoma falls out

I am very intrigued by the notion of Kirk Farrant's attempting to hang half a hundred intentionally on someone. Finally avenging Bob Stoops for some slight that happened when they were on that staff in 82 or whatever. He took my cleats. He took my favorite cleats. Let me throw this at you. I don't necessarily believe it's going to happen.

But let's say North Carolina beats Clemson in a close game. And let's say Iowa beats Mr. Michigan State. Let's just say the Big Ten gets a spot in there. Now what are we doing vis-a-vis UNC Clemson, Oklahoma? Well, I think Oklahoma's still in there. Are you talking about rankings wise? I just mean if we're looking for, look, our whole point of doing this is to come up with crazy scenarios that won't ever happen because this is what we do. This is the same reason why people read Bill Connelly's season preview and say, you're wrong, but team's going to win 10 games.

And they did, didn't they? And they did, Iowa. Fuck everyone. So if UNC wins close against Clemson, that's probably the most interesting thing that could happen. Because if, like, UNC were to somehow shock Clemson by, like, 17 points or something, then you just say, well, shit, give them the spot. Yeah.

But if, yeah, if Clemson, I think if Clemson loses it, I, I think, think they're out. That's a hell of a drop. It's a drop. But, I mean, you're looking, well, I guess the next team up will be what, Ohio State? If UNC doesn't come in, then you're comparing Clemson and Ohio State directly.

Yeah. And at that point, neither really has a conference title advantage. So that would be a debate. The most bitter scenario I see here is one that I don't think can be avoided. And that would be, that would be, Well, I mean, the most bitter would be Alabama losing to Florida, which I think we all agree is a mathematical, nay, physical impossibility.

That's just that's a spiritual impossibility. I don't even think it's possible Florida is leading at halftime. Yeah, I don't see any way for them to score a point. I've watched them for the past month and a half. And no, they really might score fewer points than any team against Alabama that like, I mean, it might be a shutout. How has Florida been saving all its points? I don't think that's how it works. Unfortunately, the fridge lost power months ago,

those points have spoiled. These aren't, yeah, these aren't Skymiles. Oh, you can't cash those. Yeah, yeah, these are not roll over points. They're not roll over points. They're not Skymiles. They expire. They're not shelf stable.

And frankly, if any team we're going to be buying sketchy black market points, it's probably a team from Florida. We didn't know. Listen, I had a cousin. He gave me some good deals on him. Yeah, I'm a cousin, Mike eBay. Same guy who sold Will Greer as supplements.

They seemed solid. And suddenly we're here almost losing to FAU because we literally cannot score a touchdown with Treon Harris at quarterback. So how about this? Florida beats Bama. Okay, yeah. Even though we've just laid out how impossible that is.

UNC squeaks past Clemson. It's not impressive, and we still look at UNC's resume and say, like, okay, you've done one thing all year. You've dunked on a bunch of bad ACC teams, and then you scooted past Clemson. Stanford loses to USC, which actually has a coach now,

and it's actually the coach who has won all the games for them over the past year or two, so maybe that's good. So then what do we have? I guess we have the Big Ten champ. I guess you can see if that much losing is going on yeah Ohio State sneaks up

Ohio State then sneaks up over Michigan State that is brutal well we got the Big Ten champ audience now we got two big tens okay in this scenario Iowa lost I don't I just assume I feel like they're going to be more friendly to Ohio State being in there if Iowa was in there because they haven't played and now they can actually sick the Buckeyes on the Hawkeyes and get get them get them out of here get them but like if it's Michigan State Ohio State rematch how is that fair. Michigan State dominated them authoritatively on the field. Everyone saw

it. There's no doubt left as to which was the superior team and wish would win if they played again, no matter where Ohio State puts it many offensive coordinators including the one who wears the half shirt while running the ball on the field. There's just no doubt in anyone's mind. Listen, are you going to say that Ezekiel Elliott

is not in fact their best offensive coordinator? He did a great job this past Saturday. Frankly, after their performance Saturday, I'm all in favor of putting him in charge of that offense. Give him the headset. Giving the headset while he's running.

I hope it's in his contract. I hope he gets a bonus if they actually make the playoff. He gets an extra 10th of a scholarship. What matchups, by the way, like out of this? Like, real quick, real quick. What are the matchups that you would actually want to watch if we're going one, two, three, four, and we're pinning those two games? Like, just shuffle up all the teams in the group?

Yeah. All those seven teams or so? No, no, no. You can just, if I'm going, Clemson, Alabama, Iowa, Oklahoma, as it stands right now, you go one, four, two, three. And that is a Clemson, Iowa matchup and an Alabama, Oklahoma matchup, which I... One of those things does not sound like it belongs here. Like, one makes total sense in my mind, and the other one is Clemson, Iowa. I still, ha, why is it?

Huh? I mean, I aware these teams have combined to not lose any games, but still... But the answer is Clemson, Bama, and Oklahoma, Iowa, right? That sort of evens out the despair. Because it also has the like coaching connection. Then there's like in both there's a team, there's an America's team in both, I guess. I think the optimal matchup is as it lays. If we play it as it lays, then you get the optimal lineup because Alabama, Oklahoma,

to me, is the best game possible out of any of the four teams in terms of matchups. And I'm not just saying that because I think Oklahoma. would knock out Alabama and then we wouldn't have to watch them anymore. No, I think it's the most compelling game that you can set up between these two teams because then you would get Clemson Oklahoma and I think that's actually an interesting

game because I don't think I was making it. Sleeping on the... I mean... I don't. Okay, that's fine. I know. I know. This is the ammo. You didn't think they were going to be 12 and O either. No, son. Who did, Ryan? I'm just saying... Who did think they would? I'm just saying this is...

Kirk Farrant's had him at like eight and four. This is the 19th century second coming splinter church that is about to find out if Jesus is really coming back or if a lot of people are going to be disappointed. Are you saying this is the box of rebellion? We found Jesus and he's in China. They'll go away. Oh my God.

They're in Beijing. Oh, no. It was angry Iowa running back hating God the whole time. We knew it. Okay. But if I'm looking at it on paper, I think that's. That's the way you want to go. Because otherwise, you get what?

The least compelling matchup of these, which to me is Alabama, Iowa. Yeah. Oh, then, yeah, that's just Iowa versus Super Iowa. Yeah, mega, Iowa. Yeah, you don't want that. Now Oklahoma Clemson, that's a hell of a game. It's just you really don't want Iowa.

I think you don't want Iowa playing the worst matchup for them is Alabama to me in terms of. of viewing quality. That's it. I don't want to watch Iowa versus Alabama. Because it's just a headbutting contest for one team. This is like watching LSU. So your

answer probably doesn't change if it's Michigan State in the four spot. Michigan State is like Chaos Iowa. Okay. It's the exact same team, but they got some Indiana in them. And Connor Cook, I think, can move the ball a little bit better than CJ Bethard.

Some of that Indiana is on the defense. Yeah, it's spread over time. It's metastasized throughout the whole body. Everyone catches Indiana. It's just a matter of keeping it dormant, taking your valtrex. And amputating as necessary. Yeah, just lopping. You didn't need all those fingers.

What if we sub Ohio State in for Iowa? Does that increase the viewability? Now I want the Bama Ohio State rematch. Well, yeah, we want that in round one. Yeah. I'll take it round one, round two, whenever. because the result's hilarious either way. Oh, yeah, that is true.

Yeah, I get a lot of hurt. I get a lot of hurt people on either side with like now. We own your ass forever and always have. I said this on Twitter before, but if you get it, it's one, Sabin's going to kill Urban again. He's going to break his heart twice. It's either that or it's Ohio State fans going like, sorry, bro, your T's low.

Like, that's, you need to work on that androgel because, you know, you can't swing these nuts like Urban. Huh? What? You can't. Before we move on from the playoff, I would like to just have everybody appreciate one thing. The 18th playoffs is a likely future for college football. I have no idea when, and maybe I'm wrong, and it won't happen.

But if we assume that the selection committee is doing what it's, as it's doing, and actually paying as close attention to who is number eight as to who is number one, your 18 playoff as of now would include three Big Ten schools and Stanford and Notre Dame and one SEC school with Florida State and North Carolina knocking on the door. Yeah, this whole thing is rigged against the SEC. it's pretty clear which is why it's very fun to see people from I don't know

certain networks that maybe don't have certain contracts with the SEC who's to say who's to say it's always fun to see them in this year of all years spout SEC conspiracy theories when one of the top 10 teams before championship weekend

are you perhaps occurring to people who are saying the Pac-12's getting screwed by having the top two-lost team? Maybe. Who's to say? Who's to say? By having a two-lost team? Or that the Big 12 is screwed

by having the first team in the bracket? Maybe. Just maybe? I like that. The SEC has such shit this year that we're hoping to get like maybe the dullest Alabama team ever. Like people are pissing and moaning

because Tennessee's in there at 25? Who gives a fly? And fuck this year, buddy. Whoever, like, oh, man, there's a disrespect in Wisconsin. The Big Ten has Northwestern and Michigan in the top 15. Chill the fuck out. Northwestern lost two games by like a combined 9,000 points and they're still up here. Like, if Florida was ahead of Northwestern and Michigan, I'd listen to you.

But they're not. So just chill. Also, you know, like, Stanford did lose to Northwestern. know they lost the Northwestern. I can provide all the fascinating context about how and when they did it, how Northwestern ended up pulling things out, being a pretty decent team, and how they had to go east from the west.

And, ooh, that's real hard. You just want to sing Body Clock again. Body Clock. Saffa got their body clock. TikTok. TikTok with the body clock. Yeah, that's fine. You still lost it.

And you lost to Northwestern. And that'd be fine if you only have one loss, but you also lost Owergen. Yeah, that was a close game, but it's a pack 12 good organ team but you did lose to him yeah you got two losses man like on the board without looking at context you look like florida who that's that's too far that was mean that's just unnecessary mm-hmm but yeah but that it's it's right there florida would not be washington state yeah yeah just you want to see our defensive line just

knocking out quarterbacks and our quarterbacks not being able to throw the ball at all. And suddenly it's like, that game really might be that two zero special. Leach's seventh stringer just. Just throwing 58 deep balls. Yeah, I kind of want to see this now. Let's make that happen. And Florida definitely wouldn't beat Stanford because

Treyon Harris would apply to the Russian government for asylum if that happened. Instantly. Look what they're doing to me in America. They're going to make me play them. You've got to protect me. Actually, he could apply for asylum this week can get it. They're like, they're going to make me play Alabama.

And that's when you get new Florida quarterback, Edward Snowden. He also did some weird shit on the internet. It's fine. He's back, but Elliot, breaking down, Stone. Yeah, not much mobility, but, you know, good, uh, he's got good pocket awareness. I don't know, he's got pretty good mobility. Yeah, it's true. He's, he is, he is elusive.

He's, deceptive speed. And he's scrambled all the way to Moscow. Come on. the reader questions for this week are fascinating thank you for Ryan for soliciting them in a way that gave us fascinating results we're going to do this some weeks our questions are great and some weeks they're not we had a lot of ladies respond this week to questions I assume that's because Ryan did it and Ryan being I think the more inclusive the more in touch with his his femininity and being the nicer one solicited the questions and we get responses from ladies so two things are happening we're going to do nothing

but women's questions this week and two we're never taking a dude's question again you're all trash you know it you're all fired you're fired you're going to be obsolete anyway as a gender I speak for myself as well I can't wait it'll be awesome now is that like Jurassic Park

kind of thinking yeah exactly soon reproduction will not require us Because life finds a way. Life will find a way without us. And I can't wait. Like, I already work online. You're already half dead.

What's more evolutionarily unnecessary than that? Besides musical theater. Oh, God damn it. You knew I was headed there. Saw the turn signal and everything. You couldn't stop it. I'm driving this train, Ryan. This is why men don't deserve to exist anymore.

Exactly. Let's answer some questions, please. Hamilton. Questions? I would like to start. The question is from Allison underscore de Jong. My husband puts tomatoes in the fridge. Can you please tell him to stop?

One. Knock that shit off, first of all. Well, all, I want to say this. I can't tell your husband what to do. I can't. It's not my role in life. I can suggest this, though, that if he's doing it, he's doing what stupid people do,

put tomatoes in the fridge. They don't need to be in the fridge, okay? There's an entire school of people who the answer to anything in terms of food preservation is to put it in the fridge. I do not understand it. Now I understand it. For instance, I will share a personal anecdote. My wife

tends to want to put everything in the fridge. And I know why. It's because her mother took public health classes in like the 50s when they're like, everything is unclean, put it in the fridge where it will survive a nuclear blast. Cook it in butter. Cook it in butter. Yeah. Cook it in

butter and put it in the fridge. That's how we'll beat the Russians. In the aluminum the tin fridge. Copper fridge. The one with the Indiana Jones survives a blast in, right? Like that's put everything in the fridge. Lead keeps

impurities out of your blood. That's the metal I was reaching. Like people who... People who are raised in the 50s and 60s, they put everything in the fridge. They put their batteries. They put children in the fridge. There's like their college degree and a human head

and their fridges weren't even very big they're just very efficient organizers you keep your will and testament in there yep yeah keeps it fresh

it's not spoiled is it it's crisp just like this iceberg lettuce the only vegetable I eat that in the cottage cheese keeps me slim for these Sansavel pants Sanisabelt pants

so you go ahead and tell him that I told him I suggest that he stops Outon Brown says stop too Ooh, yeah, let's bring noted culinary expert and firearms enthusiast. Alton Brown appealed to authority. He says, quote, never put tomatoes in the refrigerator. If they drop below 50 degrees, a flavor compound called Z3 hexanol is just going to flip itself off like a chemical switch permanently.

Allent Brown. Enjoy your tasteless tomatoes, ass. Yeah, Alden Brown doesn't even keep his guns in the fridge. No, he does. He keeps a gun in the fridge. So wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. If a tomato gets too cold, it turns into a mutant or something? Yeah, that's why, yeah, it does.

That's why subways tomatoes always taste like crap. Because they're too cold? Yeah. They lost their, what's it now? Man. Z. Flavanoid Theta. Yeah, that's what he's. Burdus Buckeye used to be a tomato.

Now look at him. but bro he's so ripped he's very ripped no they let him out below 50 because we here in the big ten we play outside when it's like eight degrees because it gives you fortitude you know we discovered roofs

like years ago yeah we did I have another question too this is in this case personally to me an extremely relevant question from Steph at Steph LCM on Twitter

how do you determine a sex haveer from friends? Now, she's referring to her avie on Twitter, which is different. It's two people. Now, typically when I see a man and a woman, and there's a guy saying a really annoying thing to me on Twitter, I call them a registered sex haver because it's inevitably this, like, low-grade,

sort of tolerable, like, dork or dipshit, depending on the comment, who decides to appear in his avie with his girl. Now, there's a few possible reasons. why you would do this. You're either in your avie with your girl because you think it's the best possible picture of you. That's possible. Maybe that's the only good photo you have.

And from what I've seen of these men, that's a real good guess. And it should be noted frequently, this is not the best possible picture of your significant other. No, no. That's the really, the really like inadvertently unfair, inconsiderate thing about this in a lot of cases. that the dude looks okay and the lady is like you're not taking a picture, are you? Like, not ready for the photo.

Oh, but we are. Happy vacation. Not bad looking people, just people who've been caught at a bad angle, right? Yeah. Another reason would be that you are terrified of your girl thinking that you are creeping on the internet, so you put her in the photo, right? Like the cop.

Ladies of the internet back off. Whoa, whoa, whoa. neighborhood watch in effect we watch out for our own here that's not by the way and again from what I've seen of these dudes and I say this is a fellow homely person okay like it's not a danger okay

you know why I'm not in my abbey this is a very safe neighborhood is what you're saying this is and I hope this is a safe space for us to discuss this okay because you know why I'm not in my abbey because I don't want to ruin anyone's day okay I'm just going to put Chris leak and the gator in there everyone's real happy with it okay you and the white suit was good but

other than that yeah yeah you don't want that even then still my face even then you're right it could have just been somebody else in the white suit yeah it doesn't what i can put c martin in the white suit everybody'll be like that's a funny man do that yeah do that put any attractive famous person in there don't put yourself no one wants to see that i tried to change my picture to myself and people yelled at me to stop it did and so i did yeah now the third reason that you might have the the girl and yourself in your Twitter, Abby, is this, that you want to show that you have sex. And I'm real proud of you for that.

That's awesome. Okay? But we don't care. It's like actually one of the easiest things to do, human-wise. Okay? Like in your life. It's probably going to happen. Most people will just assume that that person at one point has done it.

What you're showing is that you're like, oh, it's got a born-on date. This sex heaven is recent. And here's the one who did it. Well, don't put her out there like that. especially because she probably is not aware that that's what you're doing. Like, that'd be even worse if that's not your girl. You know, now, some people, this is, somebody actually had a nice photo. This is what this lady has.

She said, how do you determine a sex ever from friends? It's her and it's a female friend. Now, you might assume you're like, I don't know, maybe they're a couple. Could be a sex haver. Yeah, it could be, could be a sex haver. And that'd be cool. And the honest answer is, I have no idea. How to determine the sex haveer from friends.

You've obviously implied that you're friends. That's cool. Okay? I do that. Also, it helps this. You're not a dipshit dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the key.

It all goes back to the main thing that started all this is, well, are you an asshole on the internet? Because if so, that gives us a clue as to the other person's identity. If you're just here to tell Bomani Jones, he's the real racist, well, I don't think your friend in your picture is just your friend. We are not judging the book by its cover. We are judging the cover by the book. Exactly. And in addition to that, by the way, don't do that with your girl. Because suddenly, like, we're all having this, you're the awkward guy at the party, dragging your girl in the conversation.

Like, hey, buddy, I got something to tell you about, you know, Trump. And you are running a terrible risk that people are going to bring this third party who had nothing to do with the dumb shit you said on the internet into the discussion unfairly. And people will do that. You're doing the internet mail version of this. okay which is yeah you want to fight my boyfriend let me go get him that's what you do it you're involving them when no this is your stupidity that would be my one let my one my one request for anybody is that if you're an asshole in the internet and just admit it you know if you are either don't put your photo up and don't involve an innocent party don't get the third

party involved because that's what happens registered sex haver when you pop up in the timeline i'm done with my sermon Ryan what's your question This question comes from Julia Peezy at J.Peezy on Twitter. What top 25 team could replace at least one of its players with a Roomba and not have anyone notice? My answer, near and dear to my heart, is Florida. Florida's kicking game is so bad at this point. You could trot a Roomba out onto the field, and that would probably not affect Florida's decision whether or not to kick a field goal,

and it would definitely not affect my prediction of how likely that field goal were. to succeed. It would actually probably make me feel a little better because I'd say, well, of course Florida's not going to make this field gold. It's a goddamn Rumba out there, a kicker.

And not, you know, a human with legs. Save you a scholarship. Same odds. I'll say Alabama and quarterback. Fair. Jason, I feel like, well, Jake Coker kind of scrambles like a Rumba.

Like, the way he navigates through traffic just sort of shuffles. Like, I love his scrambling. It hits an obstacle and he's like Just bounces right off. It really looks like just a dad navigating traffic in a shopping mall. I think when he goes pro in Madden,

all his physical attributes will be kind of, but then like ball carrier vision is going to be like a 99. Yeah, he's got the same moves and the same trajectory and the same motion as a dad trying to track his child through an indoor playhouse. You know, real crowded, rainy Saturday. You know, a bunch of bounce houses inside.

Dad escaping a bounce house. That's exactly what it is. Some other kid ran right into my groin. Just keep moving. It's the second best... Shrug it off. It's the second best description of an awkward scramble I've ever heard. The first being Bud Elliott saying that James Winston ran like a pregnant lady.

Like, that was that he ran, which is true. I feel the thing here is all jimbo fish or quarterbacks have extremely distinct styles of running. He probably like messes it up. Like, they all get, like, super athletic, like, coming in, and he's like, no, no, it's not going to do. His critique of their every motion is so deep and so in-depth that they forget how to fucking run. I want you to imagine your Jiminy Cricket. You're chasing after Pinocchio. And also, I've tied 20-pound weights to your feet while you run.

A dream is what your arm makes. It'll make you better quarterback. That's why you got 20 pounds on your weight, on your feet? Who cares if you ever run? You don't ever have to run. All you do is throw the ball. Yeah. You know what?

Christian Ponder? Christian Ponder is actually a 14-year-old child. I got him an NFL bonus. You never walked in his life. All he doesn't throw the ball. What I especially like about Julius' question is not imagining the actual replacement. But thinking about the certain class of college football fan or writer who would just praise Rumba up and down. Oh, Rumba's such a humble player, just doesn't say anything, doesn't need the attention, just goes out there and gets the job done.

Clean up others' mistakes. Three yards in a cloud of dust is pretty. much rumba's main goal in life well i guess not the cloud of dust removing the cloud of dust removing the cloud of dust three yards and no dust three yards in the absence of dust

rumba's just you know a stellar stellar in the classroom doesn't cause a ruckus you never hear about rumba staying out late drinking because he doesn't have the inputs for that it'll fry his circuits literally never hear a peep out of rumba unless you tell it to if it'll beep or something i feel like you put like

in like uh utah's second or something like that because I mean it was watched more than one Utah game I know you could put it in Cal secondary I'm pretty sure oh no Rubba's on fire well we said top 25 Spencer so there's no need to

Cal here I hate you I think my favorite coaching rumor so far is that uh Missou interviewed sunny Dykes which is I'm so happy from a team with one of the country's best offenses and worst defenses to completely

vice versa. Yeah, that's going to be a weird omelet. Temperatures are uneven. It's going to be a bad omelet. Oh, it's going to be so bad for your whole. All we have is milk and green peppers and no eggs. Well, too late. Tony Franklin's cooking. Too late. We're having chocolate cake.

I love this, though. I love the notion of an SEC East where there are all of these like Sabin clones and everyone's just hired to Sabin Assistant and then sticking out like a sore goddamn thumb and Sunny Dikes. The Tony Franklin staff. The Tony Franklin staff that's like this game's going to be 4845.

Staff for none of them wear shoes. They're the only ones like in the SEC East if you're a forlorn quarterback like I don't want to play out of the shot. I don't want to do a pro style. Sunny Dykes just like comes into your room at night like a vampire like let me in. Let me in.

Let me in. Just say yes. Let the Dykes one in. It's just jowly vampire. That the Dykes one in. Oh, there we go. It's an off-season project there, Ryan. Beautiful.

Right in that screenplay. Jason, your question. From Leah Goldman 91 on Twitter. Why is Clemson now the South's most pious team since Rick's departure? So it would seem to default to Dabo's team if Mark Rick doesn't land at, say, Miami or Virginia, not that Miami's in the South. Or pious. Miami's in the southern United States. If we did count it in the geographic South, then, yeah, brother Rick is going to have some clean enough to do.

Get that thing of Georgia standards. There are churches in Miami, but they're mostly tax shelters. They're mostly for DJ Callet videos. DJ Callet. Lord and Savior. Yeah, Clemson's an option. We can't overlook Ole Miss, which also has, I mean, their coach quotes Jesus a whole lot on the internet. Dabo doesn't even have any internet accounts, so I feel like Dabo is not really spreading the gospel as much as he could be.

where S-U-Fries is. Auburn is probably up there as well. Auburn's got to be up there. I mean, I feel like... Chrissy's toned it down a little bit, but you know it's in there. I don't know. I feel like Mustchamp did Jesus's things a little bit. Oh, I see, I think mustchamp is the soul that Gus is trying to save.

Oh, okay. So that's why he hired him. Yeah, it's like a halfway house, but a Christian one. Well, I guess maybe you could argue that, like, Muschamp's sort of a doomsday hellfire and brimstone preacher. He's like the furious Calvinist who just everyone's going to hell. You're doomed. Yeah.

How many of us are going to heaven? 11. And they're all on my starting defense. Not the offense, though. They're all going to hell. Sorry. Poorly evaluated and recruited. The lineup for this weekend, by the way, just to review, we do have this.

I think we've discussed some of this already. Do not sleep on the Mac championship. Bowling Green versus Northern Illinois. O's, pew, pew, pew, phew. Yeah, maybe Dino Baber's finale there as Bowling Green head coach, since he's probably going to get a job somewhere else. Rumored connection to the Maryland job, along with like eight other people.

And Northern Illinois. This feels like a game the Northern Illinois wins because that's just what they do. Because it's a Mac championship. Because it's a Mac championship. And every time Northern Illinois goes in, looking like the unglamorous run-first thumper. They managed to

grind out a win against a throw-first, high-energy electric team. I'm really just subbing Toledo for Bowling Green here, but I think the dynamic holds. So, yay, Northern Illinois, congratulations. You've already won the Mac Championship. That was easy.

Yeah, anything. And then the American, that's noon, Saturday. Temple at Houston. Both of these teams keeping their coaches as of this point of recording, which means, okay, sure, yeah, they've just been hired by Virginia and Georgia or whatever. But as of right now, keeping their coaches. Virginia's a step down. Why would they

do that? From Philadelphia? I mean, certain parts of Philadelphia are fine. I sort of think maybe Matt rules looking at like Al Golden and Steve Adazio and going, you know, Temple? You know, this is a very safe environment. I mean, it's a, Philly's just a great city. And, I'm very comfortable here, and I've got all the keys to all the stuff. I'm friends with two of the boys' men members. Yeah, I met the roots once. It was great.

Yeah, that's where Matt rules at right now in terms of temple and job security. And Tom Herman's staying at Houston for two years. I sort of think because he has to. Is it one of those things where he's like, I don't want to look like that guy, I just took the job for a year? That might be part of it.

I mean, he might be waiting for a big job in the state of Texas to open up. up because he has his recent area. What job could that possibly be? Oh, a big job in the state of Texas coming open? Who could imagine? Okay. It's rice.

Yeah, yeah, that's the one I was hinting that, yeah. Hey, launched Todd Graham's spectacular career. And that's obviously the plan is to get to Pitt. Hey, speaking to Texas, you get to watch Baylor just work out all of its frustrations in a meaningless ass-whooping of Texas. Actually, this game matters because if Baylor beats Texas here, they take the sugar bowl spot from TCU. So this is Art Briles' last chance to fuck over Gary Patterson for an entire calendar year. That means he's going to do it. That means, I'm sorry, Texas.

Sorry, Texas. Every point Art Briles scores on Texas this weekend is basically a point he's scoring on TZU. Yeah. So if he can put the boot forever on Gary Patterson's face indirectly, he will do it. be fun watching that old miss you know this this could end up being what the old miss baler sugar bowl that's that's yeah probably gonna i mean it's it's either old miss baylor or it's the rematch this is this is also going to be the game that sends texas to four and eight and i just want you to know texas fans if you need help knowing how to cope with four and eight

spencer and i are always here we're here but but elliott will make you a meme you should know like you did when florida hit that mark you should know coping does not mean you will have the same coach two years from now. You know what, at 4 and 8, that's with victories, that's twice as many victories as actual verified rape accusations at Florida State over nine years span of time. I mean, that's only the reported ones, but there are only so many reported Texas wins, too.

The other games going on... I want to mention real quick that Georgia State could become poll eligible. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. They have to go win at Georgia. southern so but um good luck it is December 1st and Georgia state is still within reach of ball eligibility do it and the concrete campus shall rejoice okay the entire campus from from one end to the other shouting you know like from the 18th floor of one building down to like the

third of another shut up it's late arm and arm and arm Hey, this ends up being a great non-conference win for Oregon. Pac-12 is back. That's true. This would bump Oregon. And thus Stanford. And thus, Stanford in the playoff. There you go.

Ludicris did it. That's how I'd have you. Luda. Still influential in 2015. You'll never be able to outwrap him. SEC championship game, it's just going to be a bloodbath. Nope, just don't. Just don't.

It's going to be so bad. And it's unfortunate because it's not in the block where there's a lot. else going on. No, everyone's just going to watch Florida get put on the rack. So this is like a good. I was trying to draw attention to Statesboro. Yeah, so like, I would say 5.30 is a good time to, if you have an errand to run or if you have to, you know, do some, do some laundry or something.

Yeah, I mean, I was, I was trying to. Can I talk you into 410? Okay. Yeah. You bought, you. You know what? 3.50. Yeah.

Just check out early. Just go do something else. Because I have to watch this, but you don't. It's my, I will implore you again, as I have through repeated floor. of games over the past three to four years. I have to watch this. You don't. So don't. Just ask me how it went. I'll tell you.

Oh, I'll tell you. Or ask, bud. Or ass but. Yeah, they scored two points. Stanford versus USC in the Pac-12 championship game. It would be a delight to me if USC just decided to absolutely face Stanford and

beat them in this game. I don't think they will. I just don't. Stanford is pretty much made to annihilate two teams, the Pac-12, Oregon, and USC. They already did it once, and they're probably going to do it again. I think the smart move for Stanford here is

just to beat USC by like five, because then both of your wins over USC count as top 25 wins. Keep in mind, this is a primetime 745 game on the East Coast, which means that Stanford's prime mission here is to give

the ball to Christian McCaffrey in as many different fashions, variations, and methods as possible in order to get him a shot at the Heisman. At least get him the invite. At least he'll get an invite. I'm pretty sure at this point, right. It's going to be Derek Henry, McCaffrey, Dalvin Cook, and who? Fournette? Those are a four-nett?

Maybe Deshawn Watson. You're talking to Baker Mayfield, Trond, Boy. I mean, like, there's variables. I think, to me, Henry and McCaffrey are the two definite, but after that, I don't know. yeah the but yeah that's ideally what i think u s's or what stanford's mission here is just remember don't let david shaw put the team to sleep when you get up by three scores don't is there a body clock's factor this will be what a three four four 45 game get your buttercloth no the only body clock is sleepy voters on the east coast passing out before the second half that's really the

only issue when it's what nine now is nine it got to go you got to go up and go to the the sports writing farm. Gotta get up and go to the votes mill. Oh, man. The plays the right way trees are about to come into bloom. Got to be up at 5.30 for no reason whatsoever. Yeah. The old beat hound has to get to sleep.

I like the names that beat writers call themselves. The old beet crow has to turn in. Get my 300 words in so I can go to sleep and wake up, go to church. Beat Lampre sleepy Attached to the underside of this beautiful sport Clemson North Carolina an ACC championship game Maybe the game that like I actually want to watch

Like this game more than any on this day Is the one that to me Besides Texas Baylor for comedy This is the one that's actually compelling Because I don't actually know how this game's going to go None North Carolina could make this very difficult it's been a while since Clemsons played a good team

like a month or so since the Florida State game and North Carolina hasn't played a good team so both these teams I don't want to say Clemson has a lot to prove because I mean they win in any fashion they're in but both of them

I think we can learn a lot about them yeah you'll actually figure it out if North Carolina's good that's really the big takeaway here win or lose you'll be able to sort of get a real true gauge on their overall quality. Whether they beat Clemson or not, I really don't think they

do just because Clemson has been so good, so consistent, and so good at the positions that matter, just good along the defensive line, good at quarterback, good along the offensive line, they've got a solid running back, you know, they've just those real strong basics are the things that you go,

okay, I like this team, they're extremely bankable. You know, both these teams played what had like three weird turnovers against South Carolina. It's the thing. they have in common. It's like the ACC championship is the South Carolina fuck up bowl.

Yeah. This is one where they just bond together and they're like, who goofed up less against South Carolina? You puked there too? And people do say, oh man, North Carolina's got that offense. Yeah, Clemson actually averages

pretty much better than better than North Carolina in every major category. I think they're just less gaudy about it. They're not out here putting, I guess they did 58 or whatever. from my hand. It's also a lot

of like you turned the Clemson game off so you didn't see the last three touchdowns. Yeah. And it might be that UNC is always in the noon spot. Right. So whenever you look up and oh shit, UNC's winning by 37, guess I'll watch that. Yeah. Whereas Clemson, it's you know, they're actually playing a more respectable opponent

later in the day. Yeah, or you go, oh man, North Carolina, their defense really improved. They're only allowing 20 points a game. You know, they've really come along. Well, I mean, that's true. It's actually like 21. And Clemson's actually allowing about 19. Hey, don't count out Gene Chiswick, though.

You know, never would. I never would. I would dream of it. I'm not joking. Man, won a national title. So did Jim Bo. You chogged. What the hell is that mean? So did Larry Coker.

You just snucked Jimbo. Let me sneak another one in. So did Jim Tressel. Oh, man. Yeah, I forgot. I forgot about that guy. Yeah, man. That happened. Is he going to bubble up for a coaching position somewhere?

His show cause is done, man. So, yeah. Strap the vest back on. Oh, Georgia, he's going to look so good in that red vest. He's going to say he's got Georgia all over. Yeah, if Urban goes to the Titans, come on. Daddy's coming. Bring him back.

All of a sudden, Ohio State fans are like, no. I mean, if Urban Meyer wants a more relaxed environment than college football, the Tennessee Titans are. probably it. I really would love that though because right now the right now the political stance of every Ohio state fan is to be maximally defensive

in Jim Tressel's honor if they're like hey man listen Irvin took off the NFL we're going to bring Tress back they'd be like he's a fired coach he's an honorable honorable man the NCAA over did it actually I think

the NCAA might have some weird things to look into Yeah, and you know what? He's actually hiring Jim Bolman back from Michigan State. His offense did beat Ohio State, so I guess that makes sense. Anyone's better than the non-ZEK coordinator we have now. Suck at SEC fan, he's fine. They lose to Purdue.

The Big Ten championship game, 8 o'clock on Fox. Hope you like the NFL theme layered over college football. My favorite thing about Fox college football. Iowa. Cleannis will be singing the national anthem. Boob jokes. Fart gun. Frank Caliando.

No, it would be Frank Caliando as Whitney Houston. Frank Caliando. Wow, he's as dead Whitney Houston. That is really offensive, Frank Cali. Yeah, but man, he's nailing the Whitney. He is fucking nail him. He's in blackface, and this is really offensive, but he is nailing this. The most racist thing you've done in ours.

Most racist thing that made me feel super-pacian. Because, damn. Rod Riggle is really glad he got out of this. I think that's Fox's entire business model. Racist things that make me feel patriotic. Like the Big Ten Championship game.