Shutdown Fullcast - Shutdown Fullcast 3.5

Episode Date: June 3, 2015

This week's Shutdown Fullcast comes in at a LEAN AND MEAN fifty minutes, indexed thusly for maximum listening efficiency. 0:00--12:00 We discuss Ryan's trip to West Virginia, Tudor's Biscuit World, the safety fair held in a funeral home parking lot in West Virginia, how Senator Robert Byrd is definitely not dead, and how difficult it is to pin down the West Virginia accent without talking like a camp cook in an old Western. Off the rails by the third minute, really. 12:01--29:00 A discussion of something football-related! Charlie Strong poses with baby tigers named Bonnie and Clyde, an examination of states that will allow you to own a tiger without any paperwork whatsoever, Kliff Kingsbury remaking the "Tip Drill" video as a recruiting pitch, Texas A&M making up eight new exotic animal-based traditions in order to compete, a pitch for an SEC Network show called "Aggie Court," and Kevin Sumlin quietly wondering when he can take the Chargers job. 29:01--41:00 Where we discuss UAB coming back, how your school has never done anything wrong, Ryan making a dubstep highlight video of the 2014 Idaho/Florida game, how we really aren't saying the worst things you can say about Birmingham when we say bad things about Birmingham, Bill Clark is coming back to UAB for ROLL DAMN VESTED PENSION, and what college towns do not have a Joseph A. Bank and thus cripple college coaches' ability to purchase the same suits. 41:01--END Reader mail, including the saddest games you can watch in 2015, the seasick feeling of being in Tampa in October, and how global warming as a Big Ten domination plot might backfire on them spectacularly. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Well, we got a minute. I'm going to buy that truck up in one. Wait, don't you need, like, weeks to shop for a car? I don't. Carvana makes it super convenient to find exactly what I want. Hold up. You're buying a car on your phone? Isn't that more of a laptop thing? You can shop wherever you want. I like to do my research. Read reviews, compare models. Plus, Carvana has thousands of options. How'd you decide on that truck? Because I like it.

Oh, that is a great reason. Go to Carvana.com to sell your car the convenient way. Welcome to this week's edition of the Shutdown Fullcast. The Internet's only college football podcast, besides like nine others at least. But it's the only one that has my co-hosts, Jason Kirk. Well, hello, Jason. Hey, what's that? From time to time tonight, you may hear yelling in the background.

Those are Jason's neighbors who are, what are the Jason? They are Florida Gator fans Oh god damn it There's some sort of a dispute is at hand I'm unable to peer over there and see what is at stake But there's been some yelling and it just now stopped They might have just tuned in Probably a women's college world series

Yeah that's big Probably venting that anti-Michigan furor at each other It's going to turn into weird love making later Is Michigan in the softball thing? Yeah. They are. I believe it's Florida v. Michigan correct. That is correct.

I didn't even know Michigan got baseball. I thought they had to dig trenches in the snow just to get a decent base running path. I bet they're tough. I bet that cold makes them tough and virtuous and smarter. And the science behind that is... File not found. Also joining me. They'd be Ryan Nanny.

Hello. What's up? How are y'all doing? Real good. I understand you were in God's country last week. I was. It was in West by God. Had a great time.

You did get to sample Tudors, did you not? It was glorious. It was just as glorious as I was led to believe it would be. Tudor's Biscuit World, which, if you saw, was named the number one restaurant in the world. Yeah, and that was official. Definitely not a Photoshop. I just posted on Twitter. Totally an official verdict. Beat like the Joel Robichon's, the nomas of the world, and rightfully so.

Because really, why do you want to go to Denmark for anything, especially food? When you can go to Charleston, West Virginia, what kind of delicious biscuit, gigantic pillow-sized biscuit did you get when you were at Tudor's Biscuit World? Do you want me to go with the name of the item? because I'm going to have to look that up. I don't mind looking it out. The names are good, though. The names are good. Might be worth looking up.

Yeah, you should tell. Because if you don't know. Okay, I got it. Tudor's Biscuit World is a West Virginia tradition, institution, you know, cultural milestone and touchstone. It's really majestic. You go there and everything's pretty much on a gigantic manhole cover-sized biscuit. That was the thing I was not prepared for was the size of the biscuit because biscuit sandwiches, you know, I'm prepared for them to be.

I'm prepared to look at a biscuit sandwich and think, maybe I'll have two. But you get a Tudor's on a plate and you say, no, I can, two is, two is something I would try at 23 and deeply regret. You think Andy Staples could take down like three? Andy Staples is literally two people. he is master and blaster just they sort of sunk down into one another i wonder what his record is at tutors i'm convinced andy staples has a quato he has a being in his torso that additionally eats got a sarlack it for a stomach exactly just opens up starts shoveling in food uh but i had the duke and the duke has bacon egg cheese and potato

the hash brown on it Yes, it says potato It is that yeah Please don't forget the entire potato That is a hash brown Roughly the size of a hockey puck Yeah And it was freaking delicious

Almost everything on the Tudor's Biscuit menu will bleed grease through the wrapper before It gets out of The person's hand who is serving you In addition to that I think 75% of the menu Is the biscuit with

as they list potato yeah an actual hash brown like a thick hash brown this is not your McDonald's you know a little crust with a thin mezzo layer of molten potato in there no it's like an actual gargantuan brick of hash browns and that's just sort of a start for what you get yeah it was I mean it was very serious now this was the morning after a wedding I had attended So it was kind of the exact thing that you wanted the day after. I can't imagine getting up on, let's say, a Wednesday that you have normal Wednesday things to do and having a Tudor's Biscuit.

Unless again, you're Andy Staples. Oh, my God, you'd be so productive. And you have a small waste management factory living inside you. You'd have so much energy. Yeah. Listen, this is how it works. So much power. The more calories are in something.

the more power one can generate from that meal. That's that 1950s logic. That's that like smoking's good for you. Butter is the main thing you should eat. Have seven eggs for a hearty start to your morning. Your breakfast should include one egg for every year old you are. A meal of intense energy. Energy.

Energy. Calories are energy. How can energy be bad? It's what happens when you raise a generation. of nutritionists who went through the Depression, they see calories and just there's nothing more glorious than a 3,000 calorie breakfast

to start the day. Timmy's getting straight A's this semester, for sure. I think there was also an element of the deep, deep fear of nuclear winter. And so the thought was, well, if you build a significant adipose layer around your vital organs, maybe that will slow the radiation

enough for you to fight off the wolf bats that, inevitably crawl out of the crevasse to kill us. Each tutor, basically, you take down, adds a month to your life in such a nuclear scenario. Yeah, yeah, in an apocalypse. In that specific scenario. Which, if you're living in West Virginia, thinking about the apocalypse, not a really bad idea. It's the best state, first of all.

Other thing I did in West Virginia was walk by a safety day, which was basically an ambulance in a fire truck set up, teaching people CPR. and fire safety and gun safety and things like that. But this, it was located in the parking lot of a funeral home. So just in case safety day didn't work out. Just in case, just in case you weren't getting the message, kids. Or if it wasn't the most sinister form of marketing where everything was, in fact, a deeply unsafe practice that they taught to prospective future clients. Maybe it was a way of saying, like, look, this is what safety is.

and, you know, take it for what it's worth. But in the end, we all end up in this funeral home. So go ahead and put whatever you want in that jet ski. Bottle Rockets, have fun. Yeah, man, West Virginia's deep. You can come away with all kind of life lessons like that. Yeah, for instance, at the Tudors, Jeremy Markovich of Charlotte Magazine, tweeted me a photo,

that at the festive and hearty site of a Tudor's Biscuituituitors' World, one of the things they had hanging on the wall was a letter from the Sauter family. which I don't know if you're familiar unsolved mysteries fans with the solder family it was one of the most terrifying episodes and one of the scariest things you'll ever read about

like in the 30s this family that had like 12 kids their house was caught on fire they didn't find the bodies of like six of the kids and the theory was that there was a kidnapping ring

in this town in West Virginia and everyone was in on it and they stole half of the solder's kids this is what you read about when you're eating your gigantic hash-brown-stuffed biscuit. You know what that sounds like to me? Organized, organized stealing of children, taxation. You know what else it sounds like?

Recruiting. All right. This is a football podcast. Yeah. How far did we make it this time? Seameless. I know. Just took it right back around there.

We are eight minutes in and we have already touched on the solder family and on somebody having a waste management facility living in their stomach. We got the football in eight minutes. That's a little bit hurried to me. I didn't even introduce myself. I'm Spencer Hall. Kill some more time. My name is Hall.

H-2-A-L-L. No, that's you. I'm sorry. I'm just going to let that fry there for a minute. That's a identity theft, right? I learned that in West Virginia, too. And that's why they call me Joe Mansion. That's another thing.

I love that West Virginia is like, prime political figure. His name, while not spelled the way you think it should be, his name is Joe Manchin. Man, so you're agreeing to the fiction that Bob Bird is dead. Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and buy into that.

Okay, fool. It's probably a lot more convenient for all of us if he is. Welcome to Tudors. Can I help you? Are you Bob Bird? No, don't know anyone by that name, young man. I'm a month away from getting this declared a NASA facility.

Shut up. I feel like Bob Byrd's middle name is problematic. You know, at the other tutors that I ate at, there was a picture of him and his bluegrass album he recorded on the wall. Remember, West Virginia is the state where the senator has recorded not one, but multiple bluegrass albums, like the legendary senator, and they mount them on the wall of their gigantic biscuit palace. It's a good state.

God, it's a great place to go watch a football game. Just phenomenal. They even have evil fog. It's the only place I've been where an evil fog rolled down off the hill and into the stadium. Like an evil dead movie? Yeah, it was like a Stephen King story. That's awesome. The fog.

It was a place that kind of scared LSU fans a little bit. The fog rolls in and it's like, hey man, I can't drive. You got to take me home. Y'all, put the fog in the back of the truck. I can't even do a West Virginia accent because it's like this prehistoric, like, it's this prehistoric yokel accent that you only hear in 1930s movies. The friend who was getting married is a West Virginia native who does not really have the accent, but occasionally she will say super West Virginia things, the best of which is when she needs to go to the hairdresser, she will say, my hair needs cut. cut. My hair needs cut.

Which is such a like, oh God, the hills are alive with people. The hills have eyes. They're looking at me. It's almost like an oaky accent or the camp cook's accent in any Western, right? Like, somebody wake up, Cookie, the engines are coming. And Cook's like, Tornation. Frontier gibberish. Frontier gibberish.

Like, it's, it's very close to that. God, this podcast is so off the fucking rails. I should, I should not have opened a bottle of wine. I'm sorry. So Charlie's drawn this week. Um, we have no actual news. Nothing happened. And I don't think any of us want to talk about satellite camps because that's the most

boring issue. Fuck. No. Yeah. I mean, I don't care. You recruit however you want. We're, I think all three of us are all in favor of just paying people to, like, just paying recruits, right?

Like, we should just just just just. Come to our camp. We'll give you a grand. This is dangerously close to talk about satellite camps. Yeah, we're not going to do that. We say you just do whatever you want. Yeah. If you're like, I want to have my own satellite camps with hookers and blackjack, you just...

You do that. You do that. And if you want to set up a satellite camp on Georgia's campus, you do it. That would be great. That's just called Career Day. Because what's Margaret going to do? Is he really going to kick you out? I would love if Paul Johnson, I would love if Paul Johnson showed up to Athens, set up a camp, and called it Career Day.

God, that'd be fantastic. And he was handing out money, like fistfuls of money. Like, not like clean money and stacks. No, just like a wadded up fist. He's just like, I'm going to write you a personal check. I think he's just going around to the defensive lineman like, y'all want to keep your nays or not. should come play for us want to have kids you want to be able to hold those kids

I mean if you don't care if you don't care about your knees I mean I don't care but Lord knows I don't care I don't care you want to you want to know how little I care I can tell you all day Here's how absolutely little I care And he pulls out the power drill and starts going to town

Yeah It's a dark it's a dark career day Let's be honest this is going to happen in three years anyway Let's get it over with now We're all dust. The thing that we can discuss, though, is Charlie Strong having a picture taken with, in his office, wearing a pair of, I think those were burks? Were they burkingstocks? Oh, you're going to make me look.

No, I mean, you don't have to look, but I... I don't know. If they ain't cowboy boots, I can't even detect them with my eyes. I can't even comment. That's how Texan my eyes are. I'm like the T-Rex. My visual cuties based on Texasness. Yeah, exactly. I put guns in pictures that don't even have guns in them.

Just so I can see things. Just so I can see things. I outlined photos of my wife with guns so I can see her. There she is. She's invisible. Oh, there she is. She's invisible to me unless I cover her with pistols. Well, he's definitely wearing shorts and sandals, so our colleagues at Vox, not going to like this one bit.

Well, he'd fit in in, like, 1995 Atlanta really well. He would. He's, like, ready to go to a panic show. Absolutely. But there is an interesting detail, which is that he is relaxing and in his office looking like he's ready to go to a widespread panic show. And the head coach of Texas has what on the floor, Jason Kirk? There's a little pair of baby tigers, tussling. Yeah, which we found out the story because naturally you would just assume, oh, well, you know, those are Charlie's Tigers, such as not the case. Ryan, the story?

They're being fostered by a Texas booster, and they will be eventually sent to the Portland Zoo. The tigers, by the way, are named Body and Clyde. Okay. So I have questions, which is, if there are a school where a booster would be less likely or more likely to have pet tigers. any school

other than a booster at the University of Texas of course I got tigers I mean does Montana have boosters probably have like a half a booster okay well I guarantee if they have a booster that booster has tigers

maybe those tires aren't on the books and he's certainly not going to let you get a picture of them now do you have to register tigers I assume so I can't imagine you do in the state of Texas. Actually, I've looked into this. Why are you laughing? Spencer's surrounded by pit bulls, Ryan.

It ain't funny. Pit bull. Tigers, I got shit on a pit bull. I am, though. Seriously, I'm surrounded by pit bulls at all times because I live in Kirkwood, the official home of every pit bull in the known universe. And I looked into this because, you know, you just get curious.

You're like, oh, do I have to register a tiger? You'd be shocked at how little paperwork is actually involved in owning a tiger. Hmm. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Like, if you want an exotic cat, a big cat, it's actually terrifyingly light on what you would consider a regulation or paperwork. It's not even like a zoning thing.

Yeah, it's got to be like a city code kind of thing. There are a number. of different a number of different overlapping things. Now I looked this up prior to us getting on the air because I wanted you to guess the states that had

there are plenty of states that have banned exotic pets. For instance, the state of Georgia where I am currently sitting and where Jason is, and New York, everywhere we are sitting right now, has banned the ownership of large exotic pets.

These are the states that have, and I quote, no license or permit required for the ownership of a tiger. Are you ready? I'm not going to list them all. I'm just going to list the cool ones, all right? Texas is not one of them.

Show me, New Hampshire. South Carolina. Okay. North Carolina. Okay. West Virginia. Yep. It's all come full circle.

There were no tigers at Safety Day. Anyway, let's get back to talking about those biscuits. Wisconsin. That's a cold tiger. Nevada. I mean, that's just realistic. Yeah. Yeah, remember.

You're going to need a tiger. No illegal drugs, but prostitutes and tigers, no problem. And Idaho. Idaho, you can pretty much bring whatever, you could have Jurassic Park. Like, you can do whatever you want in the state of Idaho when it comes to exotic animals. Wisconsin is the weird outlier there, right? You're going to have fat tigers. I think that maybe was an attempt to grandfather in Brett Bealham as a state resident.

Also, it's entirely possible people who live in Wisconsin think tigers are a mythical creature. It's like, oh, yeah, we don't have a log. It's unicorns either, dummy. Pass me the brandy. Yeah, that'd be like a teetotaler. Never seen one of those. Yeah. In Texas, you have to.

have a permit or a license, as you do in the state of Oklahoma. Oh, I'm sorry. I missed one state. If I said buck-ass, proud, like, 99% 190 proof ignorance, what state pops to mind? Hint, we're all died. Because remember, Mississippi and Georgia might be dumb, but Alabama will be proud of. it. And Alabama's another state that has absolutely no license or permit required. Hey, if the black cat firework is totally legal here, then a black cat called a panther. That's got to be legal too. That's the logic we're working on here. Noah didn't need no permit and he was drunk. Case dismissed. And naked, but don't bring it up with them because that's hateful.

We all been there. Don't point and laugh, sons. Don't point and laugh. But yeah, this was This is another example of a coach being being, I think kind of, this is Charlie's brand of fun dad, scary fun dad, right? Yeah, I mean, this is, this is dad who wants you to know that he's tough, but he doesn't, he can't appreciate fun things. This is, this is the version of fun dad who lets you do a dangerous thing too early in life who's like, yeah, you're six, you're old enough to drive the boat. I'm going to just take a nap. And then you learn never to drive the books. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, I know he's eight, but you got to learn to use a chainsaw eventually.

It's like, I mean, I'm trying to picture, like, some other coach who'd be down there with, like, the little cat toy dangling it over the tigers and all that. Like, like, I mean, Al Golden kind of needs to do that. He needs all help he can get right now, but, you know, like an actual fun coach, where Charlie's just kind of, look at me. expressing dominion over these tigers who were in my office. Well, like, the actual fun coach in this state would be Cliff Kingsbury, and he would be down there, like, tussling with the tigers. Oh, he'd be cuddling with those tigers. Yeah, like, in a fun way.

Mike Leach might be the one who'd be, like, you know, really down there interacting with the tigers, like speaking tiger and all that. Yeah, he might be dictating special tiger commands to them. Teaching the tigers about the boxer rebellion. You already know this, of course. you might have heard but at one point in China tigers served an important legislative

function see back in the tangent tigers about like tiger evolution yeah these tigers is a little dim they couldn't fill in some of the holes in my in my chart

now man I hope Mike Leach has seen Stargate I could see Cliff using them as a prop too right like in his tip drill style recruiting video which I imagine exists and, you know, will someday see the light of day, right? Where it's just him basically doing the tip drill video, but it's Cliff Kingsbury.

Right. And so in this case, the tigers are wearing like Tampa Bay Boxmore and Sab jerseys. Yeah, and Ray Buchanan. They've got a Falcons Ray Buchanan jersey on. Now, to be clear, we're talking about, are we talking about Cliff sliding the card or Cliff's butt crack? Yes. It's like through the ladder would be just as effective, considering how handsome he is. Through the magic of cinema, it's both.

Yeah, that's what today's recruits want. CGI is just, CGI is just crazy, right? Yeah, Andy Circus is actually the butt crack, but you can't. It's his most moving role yet. The mast rider. Yeah, the mast rider. That and I really enjoy this because I know it's Texas, and they're super competitive about these things.

And even though they don't play each other anymore, it would be great to see A&M's response to this because all they have is a collie they don't have two tigers they're obviously going to have to try to compete and historically competing with Texas has meant Texas A&M trying and then coming significantly short in some weird way so Kevin someone stealing a panda is what you're telling me um I wasn't going to go out of the big cat species right I was going to stay I was going to stay in that that kind of general neighborhood like so they get like 12 pumas.

Yeah, they do, they over-order pumas, right? Or they get like one lion and die at a bunch of crazy Adidas Zubaz. And the real big tigga. Yeah, exactly. They'll get him or they'll get, you know, they'll like accidentally get 20 lemurs, right? And they're like, lemur's a cat. And then it'll be like a hundred-year-old Aggie tradition, the lemur, the lemur salute. Yeah, you know what?

If the lemurs sprays his musk lands on the professor, class is dismissed. Finals are canceled. Your diploma is useless. The collie's in charge of the school, but the lemurs is in charge of the athletic department. That's how it's always been here at Texas A&M. That's right. Listen, man, the meerkats the burser. He says you owe, you owe.

And the one-eyed jaguar we bought out of a Mexican zoo, he runs the core now. That's true. That one is true. Yeah, no, that's actually. It's always been true. It's an Aggie tradition. It is. That's Leon.

We made it one, dang it. That's Leon, and he's good people. Kevin Sommelin, just quietly at the end of the day, laying his head in his pillow and going, Oh, God. Where am I? Oh, God, I just want to get this. What did I get into? Can I just get the Chargers job for fuck's sake?

I just want the fucking Chargers job. I never should have left Purdue. I can't believe I'm saying it. As soon as he whispers that, there's a face in his window, like, wanting the Chargers job is the 785th Aggie tradition. Who? Billy Lucci, get out from under here. Oh, God. The addition of A&M to the SEC really couldn't have happened soon enough.

Perfect. They're home. They're home. They are so, you know what? No, I feel like it's now home. Like the SEC already felt now it's, this is an ancestral manner. It's not just a house. The SEC is home now.

The SEC is not A&M. A&M, A&M's always been there. This weird kind of, A&M's like, you know, redneck stonehenge. It's just, we've been orbiting it and worshipping it and not even knowing it, right? What does it mean? What does it mean? They built all of these weird structures out in the middle of nowhere.

This water tower, this gigantic 180,000 person stadium. People swaying in unison to a military band, worshiping a dog. Riptorn is here, naked. yeah that's not an exaggeration rip torn was there yeah like everyone saw the picture of charlie with the tigers and it was like well that's weird

why is that happening but then if you step back and compared to a and m that's like what had even rate on the why is that happening scale like if you saw kevin sumlin with tigers just be like sure be like oh two of them must be at the vet people wear weird overalls covered with like nonsense consensical words covered all over them.

And that's the 32nd least weird thing. Like, that's the 32nd weirdest thing on the list. I would like someone to send us the weirdest Texas A&M tattoo out there. Because I know it's there. Spencer at SBNation.com. Go ahead. Email me the weirdest Texas A&M tattoo. I can't even imagine.

I would like to see it. It's probably something on Rick Perry's ass. That's why he's got it. Like, got a butt tattoo. Hope you're okay with a little. little NSFW imagery. One thing I like about specifically the tigers is that A&M's official new replacement, arch rival, is LSU, which has

an actual adult tiger that sometimes comes on the field. So there's like, is Texas trying to one up, one up the replacement here? We don't have one tiger, we have two tigers. I never thought about it that way. Here's another fun thing. LSU lost their defensive coordinator to A&M Like in case this wasn't actually a rivalry

Like, ah, in case we were feeling kind of tepid about it Nope, nope, just stole their defensive coordinator of this office And then he sued both schools Well, all right, he had to sue A&M as a formality In order to sue LSU Again, that's an A&M tradition It's an A&M tradition to sue yourself Because really

That's why Sherman didn't ever work out That guy wouldn't sue shit. We're all defendants in the Lord's eyes. That's why you always have to add yourself to the docket. Can you imagine the weird stuff you'd have to say upon, like, filing that lawsuit? Like all the gibble-dibble hay, recite in court. And Aggie court.

Please rise for the honorable hullabloo, hullabloon. I watch Aggie court all day. The judge is a walrus. Dear SEC Network Aggie Court 22 minutes Let it happen Let Reveley run a courtroom

We would watch that all day long The other thing that happened this week If you didn't know It's a little bit of football arcana But UAB had a football program If you didn't know that You know it And then they lost that football program

because the Board of Trustees just decided that UAB shouldn't exist as a football program. And everyone hated this, and now it's back. And the fun thing for us has been what, Jason? Well, sort of the subtext here that is kind of hard to 100% document, but based on so many angles and quotes and all this, is that there are multiple established Alabama fans on this board of trustees, including Bear Bryant's son. So the whole thing has this era, well, we're just trying to either, you know, make sure 100% of the tensions on the tide, make sure none of Alabama's money's going to this little school, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And, you know, when the evidence is laid out and it's like Alabama papers doing the reporting, and, you know, in addition to national sites and all this, but the reports and all this come out. and everyone agrees this looks bad except for Alabama fans who say there's nothing to see here this is just Auburn fans getting worked up pretending to be UAB fans nothing to see here tides tides totally innocent that they didn't make money anyway should have been killed so the the fun part is you know the the bama fan jumping up and disagreeing with every single other fan base in the country that the tide are totally innocent and they're being spotlighted for no good reason.

I mean, what does Paul Bair Bryant Jr. have to do with Alabama football? Yeah, there's no connection there. No, he's just an independently wealthy businessman. That's with very little. I mean, sure, his daddy might have worked for the university at one time. He's not even a real bear. I mean, come on.

How seriously we're going to take this threat, huh? Huh? Just people wanting to hate. the tide, which is my favorite thing because this is a prime example of a fan derangement, right? One that you would have to stretch to make fun of Alabama. You don't. It's not even a strain.

It's not even anything close to a stretch or effort. Oh, this is a body weight exercise. Dude, it's not even a body. This isn't even a pull-up. This is like... Assisted body weight. This is like cracking your neck when you wake up in the morning. Yeah.

This is lying there and, you know, farting. That's really what making fun of Alabama is. It's easy, and should you need ammunition, it's a first person shooter on easy level, okay? It's just all over the place. Go ahead, pick some up. Two,

it does get my favorite thing, which is the perpetual innocence of the program, which the most fringe fans will believe. There are only a few certain fan bases that will actually admit that their football team or program has not

done bad things, but might just have a sort of overall negative trajectory in terms of how they've behaved overall. For instance, I like to think most Miami fans in their most honest moments are like, yeah, I mean, yeah, that was pretty awesome. Yeah. And I think the Miami fan approach is, oh, we did it, but you got to prove it. And the NCAA was too hard on us because we were just bawling hard. Sure. Which is true. Jealous ones still envy. haters just envious of everything that you had

which at the time they were hit like you know they were losing to Georgia Tech in Atlanta so yeah

definitely ambious of that Ballin like Ryan and I are both Florida fans who I think are I mean

not roundly disliked but possibly disliked by a lot of Florida fans because you and I are both of the opinion that we've been

in the tank badly for like five years. Yeah. And we're probably still doing cheating shady shit. Yeah, that's when you do all your worst cheating. Your least skillful cheating is when your program is at the bottom. Oh, yeah.

I mean, Butch Davis knows. Yeah, that's it. Got North Carolina up to that hallowed eight windmark and, oh. Burns, don't it. Oh, man, I hear those Florida fans going at it. They heard y'all They heard us They say like

Oh God damn it They're talking shit About the Gators Again This Jim McAweens Gonna bring us back We'll must champ

One 11 games We'll must chant One 11 games How many sugar bowls You've been to Numb Nuts Huh? Did you play?

Huh? You don't love The Gators You don't love If you don't root for it Ryan Annie did not watch I didn't watch I think I watched

Two games This last season It was glorious And you're One of them was rained out. That's true. It was good. That was my favorite. That was the best game we played all year last year.

I'm going to make a hype video just at that game. I like 72014 season. Click, click, boom. It was one really good kick return. So, like, Florida Special Teams rating for that game was through the roof. I'm just going to show that on all kinds of angles with a lot of heavy dubstep over. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Maybe we should do the story, the oral history of that game.

It'd be one of the better oral histories ever published if we did it, because it'd be like a page long. And you wouldn't have to go be like, who was that guy? You know, when you're reading an oral history and you see a name, you're like, I've got to go back like three screens. Yeah, no, because everybody only says one thing. I forgot. So their full title is by all of their quotes. Yeah, I forgot who Myrtleman was. Can I circle way back to UAB again?

Yeah. So here's my thing. Here's my one area of defense that this wasn't a grand conspiracy. Most government conspiracies have a monetary angle for somebody in it. And if there had been a member of the board of trustees who had had like a cousin with a demo business, and that demo business had gotten a no-bid contract to tear down the football facilities. that would have made me more convinced. You really think you'd need a contract to tear down Legion field?

Dude, you need a strong wind and a wrench. I don't think you know how possessed demons work, sir. Oh, that kind of contract. You need like an assassin contract. I was going to say, Florida did win a bowl gay. Ghost be praised. We beat East Carolina by one score. Florida won a bull game while

shitting itself. Yeah, that's it. Like, yeah, it was literally the curse. The curse of the poopie pants. That's what won us, that bull game. East Carolina's a fine team. They're a really good team. Say that over and over again. Cancel Quattle has a business meeting.

In Birmingham. He's buying hospital equipment. Marriott points work kind of weird. He's going to sauce juke joined. They're fried peanut butter sandwiches. He'll have to run a car

because Birmingham's confusing. Because everything in Birmingham takes forever to get to. His U.S. Airways flight got canceled. There's not an airport. Atlanta took it. Suck at Birmingham. We got that airport.

Oh, shit, our Birmingham numbers are going to dive now. That's okay. No, they can handle this. They do it for worse. They've seen. They have been able to have. of all the things you can say about Birmingham

this is among the mildest I think I think the one true thing about Birmingham no matter who's saying it or when is they've been through worse they've done worse Birmingham is fine I've had a fine time in Birmingham I have too I also know that we kid because we love Birmingham no no no let's not go that far

Birmingham is fine I'm always like, so what about that nickname Bombingham? How did it get that nickname? Because that was a nickname, y'all. Ooh, ha. Yeah, so we're...

I probably would have changed that one. Have you seen Vulcan yet? Yeah, have you seen Vulcan? Have you seen the giant hole where we used to have furnaces where bands play now? Now you can leave. You've seen everything. Ask no questions. Just leave.

that and i think we can get to uh now that we're like hey welcome back you ab everything's going to suck and you won't have a full team until 2016 because you missed a recruiting cycle and you fired you let go a really good coach who was actually turning that entire program around well here's the most alabama he's coming back by the way he's sticking around because of his state pension hell yeah hey i ain't no no no get it you make him you make him buy your ass out roll damn vesting that's what i say yeah i like that bill clerk's like no man i got some money in this i got a i got to get a time share down in gulf shores let's make this work the which by the way like a lot of coaching decisions when people are like oh man well he wanted this or he didn't

want this and so many of them come down to the most boring basic personal and or financial needs so many of them it's just his His wife wanted to move somewhere hotter. Yeah, his, or, yeah, like, reasons. Like, his wife wanted to move someplace hotter. His wife didn't like the way the locals made fun of her hair. Oh, you don't have a Joseph A. Bank here. I don't think this is going to work.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I was going to say, can you imagine being a football coach at a Joseph Bay Bank nearby? I'd look at Morgantown. You look that up right now. God damn it. I'm looking.

You keep talking. I'm going to look. Organtown does not have a Joseph's right back. Are you betting that there are none in West Virginia at all or just Morgan? Let's find proximity. What's the nearest? Hey, there is one. Damn it.

Shit. Yep. Okay, fine. Screw y'all. I bet there's one. I bet there's definitely not one in Manhattan, Kansas. And that's why Bill Snyder wears all those windbreakers. Oh, I bet.

I bet there is one. In Manhattan? No way. Not a damn way. We don't find out. Unless it's a kiosk in the back of a track. One in Manhattan, New York. Is that the same thing?

I think so. Might as well be. All right. There's one in Lawrence. Oh, that hurts. Lawrence ain't Manhattan. No. Told you.

Shit. That's why Bill's got all those windbreakers. Shit. You got to drive 73 miles to Lawrence to get, oh, damn. And that's just the factory store. See? That's just the hand-me-downs. It's amazing what Bill Snyder's done without the basic rudiments of the coaching profession.

including the official coaching store, Joseph A. Banks. I hope Joseph A. Bank has tried to come in and he's like, ugh, never. You get out of here. This is a good town. Do you carry tuxedos and a cow size? No, no, sir. Get the hell out of this town and you've never come back. What's your for, then? Yeah, you take your cow out of the store, sir.

That's some aggie shit. They got tigers now. Actually, it's 24 Enchanted Lemurs. It's the tradition. The reader questions this week. We have some good ones, by the way. They're always good. Yeah, they're always good.

But we have some particularly good ones tonight. Passable ones, which... I think we're going to start, Ryan. Okay. This question comes from Ledfoot 92 on Twitter. His question, my father is bragging to me about going to the tailgate for the 2015 Notre Dame Temple game.

And the question, is he the saddest man? Yes. So the answer is yes, but I want to twist this a little bit. We talk a lot about sad games to watch. And I think Spencer and I had already decided that Wake Forest Virginia Tech last year was the saddest game to watch from a television perspective. But I bet if you were there, it was kind of fun in a weird, shitty way. oh yeah like not leaving this is so stupid i'm gonna ride it out

yeah like watching a dairy queen burn to the crown just to be like all right this is sad but it's also kind of cool the cool treats would put out the fire so my question to you two is what is the saddest game that you can that you can actually go to in 2015 not watch that's the distinction i'm drawing here looking at the schedule And, I mean, obviously, accepting, like, you know, beating up some FCS team or whatever. I think between two comparable programs, boy, that I just catches Syracuse, USF, Syracuse at USF on October 10th, which I'm not the Tampa weather expert here, but that sounds like... I can tell you what that's going to be like, by the way.

It's like chilly humidity, I'm guessing. No, it's the exact temperature of food poisoning. It's like, you know, if you had, like, the cool stuff. It's the McDLT, right? You have the cool side and the hot side. Well, what if you just shove them both in the same? It's like a hamburger that's been left in the car too long. It's a little warm, and the things that are cold are a little too warm.

The things that should be hot are a little too cold. It's like a bathroom where someone just used the shower 15 minutes before you got in it. Oh, yeah. It's like when you leave your attic fan on and the windows open in the rain. Right, right. You're like, I think I'm just breathing mold at this point. Exactly. It's the exact sensation of a universal seasickness. I feel like a month earlier and it's like, hey, I'm in Florida and it's nice and warm.

A month later and it's like, well, it's warmer here than anywhere else. But October and Tampa, that doesn't sound like Tampa's best case scenario. Let me tell you what. I spent a lot of childhood Halloween's in Tampa. And there are a lot of kids who just go as soccer players because that's the only comfortable thing you can wear is Umbro's in your soccer jersey. Shoutouts to you, Windy City Pizza. Yeah, it's a bad place, and watching this game will be an absolute disaster. I'll throw my weight behind that because I'm not entirely sure that there's anything sadder than that game. But I'll think on it as this podcast unravels.

My question for this week is from Tim Hodgson, which is what Power 5 coach is most likely to get fired after posting a winning record this season. And my only answer for this was was actually related to my what question are we talking about in terms of what came we're talking about being, you know, awful. El Asico, right?

And I could totally see Kirk Farrant's getting fired with a winning record, even with his buyout because it's less massive than it used to be. And they can probably, They can probably, it's coming down. It's dwindling. It's dwindling.

I don't know who they'd hire. But I... Burt. Burt. He does have the dark mark. Has a Hawkeye tattoo. The other one that could be fired with a winning record, Al Colton. I'm going to throw Kyle Flood in here.

Just because I think that's one of those that would throw us all for a curveball. Be like, I don't understand. He took him to a ball game. Be like, well, we're records and we don't do what you think we're. we're going to do. Well, there's a number of schools that you can just kind of accept being crazy and firing people, right? Like, if Cliff King's very won nine games this year and they fired him, I'd go, well, yeah,

that'll happen to Texas Tech. Sure. Yeah, like Dave Doran goes eight and four, improves the program three years in a row or whatever, and NC State fires him, that's NC State. Like, if I told you Rutgers, fired Kyle Flood and then throw a bunch of money at Norm Chow, you'd believe. believe that's possible. I think you lost me

right toward the end there. Right right where you were like. Fired Kyle Flood threw a bunch of money at Greg Shiano. Skip Holtz. Yeah. Oh yeah. Okay, I'll buy that. So plausible. Look what he did at Louisiana Tech.

Yeah. You know, we discussed this, I believe, two weeks ago in terms of people who could get fired. You know, if you fired, you know, if you, I could see Vanderbilt firing Derek Mason, et cetera, you know, I could see Scott Schaefer getting fired because you're like, what's he done at all? You're so mean.

I know. Syracuse. It's going to be twice as mean to them. But, like, there are some schools that just don't behave in terms of any sort of known calculus at all. And Texas Tech, Rutgers, those are places that, you know, they've had just enough success to be cocky and just enough adversity to be extremely. impatient.

Yeah. Jason, your question? This one heads are away via boy, I don't know how to pronounce this. Looks like Jay Dininger on Twitter, so just type that in,

give this person to follow. Is global warming a Big Ten plot just to compete with the SEC and Knowles? I'm going to say yeah, it looks like it is. If the southeast becomes uninhabitable and families start to move up north well then those recruiting grounds just get better and better for big 10 schools who are who now have the tropical climates while the south is either underwater or in flames or arid and schools like schools with big money like bama and and florida state are flooding their campuses just to keep enough grass to feed the recruits um and i think if you go back you know, what's the main reason

that the North beat the South when the two actually engaged in non-football combat? Well, the North had greater production. They had factories. I don't know if they had factories at the exact time, but bear with me here. They had the auto industry and all that. And what caused global warming? Well, cars and factories.

Based where? Detroit. Detroit, Cleveland, thereabout. So this has been a long, long simmering, a patient Yankee plot to bring down the SEC and the Knowles. Do you know what I like about this plot? Here's how I picture it going.

Like, somebody walks into Jim Delaney's office in six, ten years, whatever. It's like, yep, we did it. Florida's underwater. He says, ha ha, we finally beat those bastards at their own game. Then he's like, wait, where are all the good recruits again? Shit. Well, we still have New Jersey. Shit.

We got to recruit only from Indiana now? Fuck. Dang. Yeah, whereas you do this in, like, Arkansas built a dome over a state just for football. And Jimbo's teaching a Murman how to be a quarterback? Absolutely. Jimbo gets Murman paid. Hey, listen, he'll get him paid once, okay?

That's the deal. He'll get that Murman paid once. He'll go take it to the Mer bank. I'll tell you what, when he just- Swim after that. When he's just flipping around in the pocket, making all the reeds, seeing where the fish are going, seeing where the orcas are going. making all the right decisions underwater.

I would agree. I think this is totally a plot by the Big Ten to do this, which will backfire when they forget about the power of mutation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because, you know, and that's, again, it's just like every other issue. The SEC will go ahead, we'll flood the roster with mutants, right?

Unnaturally strong, aggressive, and violent, you know, quasi-humans. and the Big Ten will get all up in arms about it and want to start counting chromosomes. Oh, yeah, now the Big Ten doesn't like science. Yeah. Also, where the fuck is... Crowing about all them academics.

Where the fuck is the Big Ten going to go on vacation after this? Oh, Michigan's got beaches. Do you think they'll, anyone will think in advance to move the bowls? Like, all the bowl games will still be in, like, shitty southern cities? That's why they have the pizza bowl up there in Detroit. This is safe haven. It's test space. It'll be, yeah, that'll be like, uh,

the potato bowl becomes the Rhodes Bowl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, welcome to the 108th annual Rose Bowl in Idaho. The younger granddaddy of them all. Saskatoon, home of the Sunshine Bowl. There we go. That'll do it. Yay.