Shutdown Fullcast - Shutdown Fullcast 3.7

Episode Date: June 17, 2015

This week's edition of the Shutdown Fullcast gets right down to business by discussing realignment five years on, the least bad ways to break up with someone in college football, and the other following foolishnesses: --how a lot of people still don't seems to know Mizzou is in the SEC --The Big East's amazing investment strategies in turning 1.4 billion dollars in possible TV money into one hundred million dollars in just eight years --Texas A&M's move to the SEC has been the second marriage your mom dove into with both feet and zero hesitation --The various ways to dump a coach or player that involve both the most and least amounts of pain --The time Auburn managed to divorce a guy and then date his best friend, aka the Chizik/Malzahn switch --The invention of something called the "No Cuddle Offense" --Reggie Ball fan fiction! (aka giving the people what they want) --A hypothetical marriage between two coaches that results in someone being banned from a Kirk Franklin concert --A Kirk Franklin reference on a college football podcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown. Fullcast. This week, and it's a short week, because we just recorded a podcast five days ago, but really with us, the secret is learning not when to stop, but when to press record. Well, the short week we got, that means we're, like, traveling to Virginia for the Thursday nighter. That's what we're doing right now. From the West Coast. We're Cal, and we're wondering why we made this home-and-home agreement. we're already rehearsing for the season that's what we're doing this is a simulation of a short week

two days yeah there's no off season there's only preparation in between games that's all we got this is when you finish washing the washing a state game and you look up and realize oh god there's sunbelt tuesday in like 48 hours and then and then that's when i go on the massage table that's when i get in the cryo chamber that's yeah you got to do the full lebron Ab day. And that massage table, we call a Colts Titans game. It's nice, easy, nobody's going to get hurt. Just a constant gentle pummeling of what's sore. Welcome to Shiazoo football. We call it that in that everyone when they are exposed to the Shiazu massage table of a Titans game, the Titans Browns or some crap like that, you lie exposed, naked, and a little scared if it's your first time. And shuddering.

and you shouldn't do it for more than an hour correct you'll probably fall asleep during it too that's another thing if you're on the table for longer than three seconds you'll fall asleep and you're you'll worry that you might get a boner but it won't ever happen oh no no no no it's actually really difficult to do that and actually in a particular environment but if you do it's doubly fuck oh man it's super weird you'll never have a normal boner again i never oh god why did i watch titans browns on a Thursday Day night. Now I got a fetish. I can't fulfill. The intros, as always, flawless gentlemen. Ryan, what do you've been up to? It's been a long time since I've seen here. Jesus Christ, I saw you, I saw you less than a week ago. Why you got to be so clingy? I just, you mean, it's been a while.

No, it's because you were clean-shaven, and when you're clean-shaven, you're more childlike, and when you're more child-like, you get more clingy. So grow that damn beard back. Actually, less clingy. I've had to develop human traits. It was like that, it was like that ape that they put in with the robot ape. Like, it learned it was his mother. Like, oh, no, this is going to go badly. He's secretly British.

He's emotionally, he's emotionally crippled and can't handle heat. So wait, in this example, are you the ape or the robot ape? I'll let you figure that out. Okay. We are all the robot ape. What? Oh, shit. So, fine.

Ryan's just going to reject my curiosities. Jason, buddy. How you've been? I've been all right. I have seen you in a, it's been a much longer time since the two of us have seen each other. So, well, you know, I'm not going to.

Let me get started on how I've been. It's hot. You've been hot because. Yeah, it's still warm. Because it's like 98 degrees here in Atlanta. Yeah. That's no exaggerating. No, it's like 98 degrees.

That sucks. I was actually talking to our hockey editor, and I know Jason we're not supposed to talk about hockey. Travis Hughes, he's going down to Fort Lauderdale next week for the NHL draft, and he's like, yeah, I'm really looking forward to it, you know, going to carve out a beach day. And then he pauses and he says, I've never been to Florida in the summer. I was like, oh, oh, the warm, sticky, damp, miserable blanket that awaits you when you step out of the airport friend yeah we're talking about Travis from from Philadelphia

and who grew up in South Jersey so he has no idea yeah he'll grew up in South Jersey that's the tropical part of Jersey right right yeah Tropic of Jersey the little known just take Jersey weather and sort of double the temperature yeah imagine you lived inside New York Port Authority in the the sweatiest part yeah and that's Florida and June yeah and coupled it by mounting an 80-watt bulb two inches from your face at all times. It's like you live sort of under the Staten Island barge. My thing when people say, oh, you know, if global warming gets bad enough, Florida will be underwater.

I lived there, and a lot of really good things happened to me, and I will say this, so? Yeah. Also, let's not assume that that means people will leave. Yeah, no, no, no. People are going to be, uh-uh, I lived here 18 years. I'm not leaving just because of some damn ocean res. Listen, I looked up my water riots. It's the same as my air rights.

All the outer space over my property is mine. If they find gold up on them asteroids up above my property, that belongs to me. That shark is, that shark is mine. If you want to take it, you're going to need a permit. That shark's mine. I'll shoot you for it. I'll tell you what. You mess with me.

I'm going to send my drone over. Okay. it's going to watch you sleep Titus Andronicus, that's what I call it That's a little literary for Florida I got me one of them water drones No, these are very learned flirting Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, it's Florida

That's Maurice Drones Drew Yeah Gene, go Jags Oh, Jesus So I was thinking This is the fifth anniversary of Realignment as we know it, the biggest

series of shifts and moves in college football and we have a piece coming out tomorrow or today if you're listening to this because we're not going to put this up till probably 1158 p.m. Let's just say it's already out.

It's already out. Bill C's got a great piece on that that's going to be going up on dot com. Synergy. And it was kind of wondering, like, and it's a large question, I know. But what worked? because there's a lot of, we'll talk about

heartbreak and tragedy, etc. Hello, Texas. But generally speaking, how did that work? I mean, what worked? Because, I mean, I have my answers. But Jason, first. Like, what worked out of realignment?

Well, one thing that worked was being a university that happened to be located near a large city that worked pretty well for, say, Rutgers and Maryland and even to some extent. Missou and A&M. Is that the extent of what worked?

Nothing else really worked. Okay. Everything else was all a giant farce and pretty much a waste of time, to be quite honest. But it got us through an off-season or two. Well, it did. A lot of things didn't happen. For instance, Chip Brown's Texas moving to the Pack 12, like Monday. I think if you go back, it's still a nice.

the record like chip brown of orange bloods is like no texas is definitely going to the pack 12 yeah yeah texas texas uh the pack 16 is happening and i believe the words are next tuesday which if you don't look at the if you don't look at the date stamp on there which is five years ago if you don't look at that you say oh wow this is this is going down you can't prove it wrong until the heat death of the universe and at that point well aren't you nitpicking about the wrong things yeah let's focus on what matters here, which is the end of all existence. This all would have been like...

A&M fans. Like, if realignment had happened in the 19th century, that would have been, you know, it could have been true. Dates really didn't matter, you know? Like, if you get like a death date wrong, right? Like, oh, we're pretty sure he's dead. And the 19th century, it wouldn't have mattered. They've been like

Tuesday, Wednesday, whatever. Yeah, I mean, just wait a week. He'll be dead. Yeah. Something will come get him. It's like when the 700 Club people predict Jesus is coming back on, you know, next Tuesday. Well, obviously it's not next Tuesday yet.

It's like the lottery. You've got to keep playing until you win. Hey, listen. I think that's how the lottery wins. A&M, something bad happens to it. The above-ground pool is not going to buy itself, okay? You've got to get in the game and you got to keep spending that money and buying those tickets. The realignment farce, what sort of worked for you, Ryan, like when you look at it and go, wow, you know, they came out way ahead.

um you know i guess it kind of it did kind of work out for tCU in the end like they did that whole say we were going to the big east and then hey you know what uh we're actually not going to do that ends up what end up getting the big 12 invite which maybe if they had already jumped at that point would not have worked or the timing would have been thrown off and you know even for a while there was sort of like well maybe tc u's in too deep and they don't this is too big of a jump they're not ready to compete at the big 12 but at this point it kind of looks like it's gone fine for them and it's and i think it's also probably been good for the big 12 because you know i think they needed with the loss of texas an m they needed a a good texas team yeah it's nice that they

actually have a uh a premier rivalry in the state of texas now thanks to baler and tc u Baylor TCU. Yeah, that's another team that benefited a lot from realignment is I think Baylor with a slightly thinned out Big 12. Baylor and remaining in the Big 12. Because remember, that's Baylor's, like, you know, on the little card in the role-playing game you get. When you get Baylor, its special ability is remaining in the Big 12. That's it. Wherever you go, Baylor has the superpower to just, like, stick to your back.

Teleport. Back to the Big 12. Using politics and things that we call politics to get into the Big 12 to sort of hairy everyone who is trying to leave the Big 12. Yeah, yeah, Baylor's got a talent with this sort of thing. You've cast inexplicable political charisma. It's very effective. You've cast Squatters rights. We were here.

We're coming with you. Been here for 21 years. This land is ours. But yeah, if this worked out really well for Baylor, it doesn't hurt having Art Bryles, you know, and the renaissance of the program going on at the same time. But realignment ended up working pretty well for them, especially in terms of, you know, games and slots that, you know, they were able to get, you know, in the BCS and in other good bowl games, they might not have been able to get otherwise. So happy times, realignment-wise for Baylor. That's not really, and I think also Missouri. Missouri and Texas A&M both, I think, just from a fiscal standpoint alone.

And then once you consider the rampant success of Missouri, the team I roundly picked to be the future least successful team in all realignment scenarios. Oh, man. Like, if we went back and looked, there were probably a lot of articles from 2011 that are like, yeah, Garrapinkel's going to get fired after this move. I think it was everyone was rushing to shit on A&M. I don't think anyone even noticed that Missouri Change conferences. Like, I think all of the commentary was like, you sure you want this?

Oh, God, what a year later, it's Johnny Mansell, and it's, ooh, you sure you want this, SEC West? You know, just like the rampant sprint toward whatever the most obvious conclusion could be. And I think in all that rush, like, I think a lot of people still haven't noticed that Mizzou's in the SEC, even though they keep winning a division. You're like, man, we keep scheduling out of conference games with him. That's weird. I don't know, they're cool, whatever.

It's a title game. It's, I don't know why they haven't played it in two years. They're guests. They're like the all-time, they're like the all-time QB. Just an Alabama exhibition in the Georgia Dome. Here come the Washington Generals. Yeah, but I think they're obviously a beneficiary of it. Texas A&M is obviously a beneficiary, if only that because, you know,

they did catch lightning in a bottle with Mansell. They did sort of ride this like one time, one shot only phenomenon to like their biggest fundraising year ever and all the little boring things that, you know, sort of add up to like, this program's way more stable than it might have been otherwise. You know, you know the one move in realignment that I really, I still have no idea if it worked or didn't is Nebraska. Yeah. I mean, do you qualify that as like a push? I mean, I guess has there were some expectations that, oh, oh, Nebraska's changing conferences, they're going to the week big 10. They're going to run shit there. And that has obviously not been the case.

But they also haven't, you know, it hasn't been bad. It hasn't been awful or anything. So, yeah, I guess it's just sort of like, it's fine. It's there. Yeah, it's about a nine and four overall. Yeah, I mean. Nine on one hand, four on the other. The one move that really interests me at this point is Colorado in the Pac-12.

Oh, man. Because I can't say it's gone well other than probably financially, I guess, even though they're already in a power conference. That's about my whole opinion. Well, financially it has gone well. They've managed to take that program, a program, that under previous management had I think the right phrase is cheap-assed it. I mean, if you look at the revenue, Big 12 and Pact 12, really, not that far apart.

No, not that far apart. But for some reason, I think the move spurred them to spend a little more money at Colorado, if only because their peer institutions all did it at once too. You know, when, like, Washington State is building a gigantic honking wait room and, you know, redoing their stadium up, it puts a little pressure on you to do more than just, you know, point to the flat irons behind the stadium and go, but it's scenic. Well, yeah, you still need to wait a room. Yeah, but it'd be pretty nice to get to play Kansas. Well, we all think that. I mean, come on.

That's no way to look at the world. You get to play Kansas every year. So that makes the record look pretty nice. You do, and you also get to schedule a few more of those nice record-fluffing out-of-conference games instead of playing the near-round-robin-pack-12 schedule that you get. Because Colorado doesn't catch a break. They went from a schedule where they were playing a backloaded, fluffy Big 12 schedule, which can often yield, I think, some pretty distorted results.

And then they get a schedule where there's just no let-up. And every team that they face is either much better or definitely better than they are. Yeah, they went from their floor being second or third worst in the conference to their reality being always the worst in the conference. It did not help that they made that jump and were at the same time, they're like, uh-oh, Dan Hawkins is really not working out. We have to hire somebody new. So it was a lot of change happening at once.

Yeah. They load up, by the way. like they can't get out of a pretty good like non-conference rival in Colorado State they have to play that game so they're three games that they now do you know Colorado used to sort of play some interesting

exhibition games early in the season out of conference games and now it's Hawaii Massachusetts and Nichols State just load up the cart with marshmallows yeah but at Hawaii that's very nice that's a bad idea

That's a neat trick. Not at Nichols State, unfortunately. Oh, man. That's seen it wherever Nickel State is. Beautiful, Louisiana. No, that's in Boulder, Colorado, which, again, everyone from Nichol State is going to go to Boulder and say, what have I done wrong with my life? What did I do?

What did I deserve to be born where I was? At least I don't play football for Colorado. That man's wearing toe shoes. Never seen a pair of vibrabs in the wild? Not since 2013, the Boulder, they got him. That man's wearing virums for his head. What does that even mean? That's amazing.

I could see every dent. So I think Colorado's undoubtedly a loser. Utah, I'm not so sure on. Like, Utah, that's another one where... I mean, like, it's kind of... If we're not just talking football, it's kind of been a benefit for them from a basketball standpoint recently, right?

Not sure what that means. Okay. God damn it. I've talked about basketball and hockey. You can just kick me off the call, man, at this point. I'm going to call the containment unit. We need to sweep this minute of the podcast up. Yeah, like Utah, I mean, like finances aside, which that sort of goes without saying,

is like anybody jumping from a non-power to a power, sure, money boost, yay. But they feel like they've still got a ways to go. You know, they had a pretty decent season last year. But what used to be like, I think that team in the old conference, that's a 12 or 13 win season. And we all talk about them all off-season. And now it's just, yeah, they were fine. Programs that definitely did not benefit.

I'm just going to go ahead and put Maryland in there. And this is why, because I just don't think Maryland ever benefits. I think at best they just break even as a program. Yeah, you can show me all the numbers you want. I ain't going to believe them. I mean, they didn't go bankrupt. But really, is that like your happy outcome where you're like, ah, we didn't go bankrupt? Yay, we're joining the Big Ten.

and now we can restore the 18 sports we cut. Let's buy a cake that goes on sale after 5 p.m. to celebrate guys. Yay, half price. Somebody else's name on it. Yeah, I'm just going to put Maryland as a loser in that because, or a loser is, or as it best, a push. Let's point out the biggest loser in this. That would be the Big East.

I'm looking here at a timeline over conference re-alignment. I'd like to take everybody back to April of 2011. You know what happens then? The Big East presidents turned down a $1.4 billion TV contract with ESPN. One point four. This is with the, this is B billion. Are you saying that turned out to be a bad idea? How many, wait, wait, wait, how many years?

Now I got to look it up. Okay, well, just many, okay. One point four billion. It was a bit more than the current Big East TV contract. yeah yeah it's not who it's not pretty what happened there basically yeah so you go from the big east at one point having just we'll go back even further to the first round the big east at one point had Miami Virginia Tech a good Miami program Virginia Tech right Boston College you can count them as a good Yeah, sure. At the time. Yeah. At the time, they were a good program, okay? Who else are we missing here?

Well, and right around the time, those are coming in. You also had, or going out, you also had Louisville coming in. So if you could have some sort of a Big East All-Star conference, that'd be a great lineup. They thought they had TCU coming in. Yes, you, Boise State, count them too. I have found the numbers here. So in 2011, ESPN offers the conference. $1.4 billion over the course of nine years, about $130 million a year.

Two years later, ESPN matches NBC sports bid for the rights. The total value of the package, which extends from 2013 to 2020, $130 million total. Life comes at you fast. Oh, my. So you're trying to tell me that in an era where sports, broadcast rights have been nearly as bulletproof as any asset in the universe in terms of not only sustaining value but growing well above the market average okay that in this there's been one conference that really managed to literally decimate like take it down to a tenth

of its original value yeah and in football no less what the big east did was they had the parcel of land directly across from the college football stadium. And a developer came to them and said, hey, we think this would be perfect for a bar that sells very cheap food and liquor. And they said, we're going to go Hote Cuisine. This is going to pay off. We're going to go steak tartar. So it'll be great.

Steak tartar to go. And now everybody's sick. Now everybody's sick and dying. Yay. Oh, don't forget Louisville, too. Louisville. Louisville is there Louisville being

I remember Louisville's spot in the timeline it happened after like Tulane got a call up like it was like getting comical like seriously any team anywhere near a city gets to upgrade its conference and then finally Louisville happened and everyone's like oh good

they're actually good at sports like that actually still matters West Virginia don't forget West Virginia Syracuse Syracuse The best part about the Louisville thing was that that was the time when

Yukon fans were like I think they're going to pick us I think we're going to get the spot guys yeah they were pretty sure I remember it was looking pretty certain Yukon and sort of everyone outside of Yukon is like

what are you doing because somebody finally pick a team good at sports that and that and like when you know that it's bad when you're looking at this conference and going, okay, like Syracuse got a lifeboat out. Rutgers got a lifeboat out. Rutgers. I am sad we didn't get the

Yukon scenarios that we could have said, man, Miami really needed to win this week, but lost the Yukon by 30. No, lost the Yukon 10, 6. At home. Yeah, at home. Goes with that same. In front of 500 curiously booing fans. many of them Yukon fans

498 who'd never been to a football game before around this time you had when the ACC's just ninja stole Syracuse and Pitt which imagine that

that raid like like the high attack reconnaissance going until we're going to infiltrate and steal pit like is that really worth

all that trouble just break down the front door I know the guy who doesn't even get the house he just like bust down the garage store you know like yeah i don't know breaking and entering is it is it less bad if you go in the garage i don't know we're going to root through their garbage acc came back from the grocery

store honey did you get eggs yep and i got this syracuse at a yard sale free to good home once i hose it off it's going to be great and and when the pit thing happened it was sort of the rationale that came out was oh well we thought the big 12 might take pit to go with west virginia and now we're talking about like the texas conference expanding into pittsburg You're the prettiest girl at the dance, Pitt. Losers in this, too. I mean, I know the real obvious ones are anyone who has anything remotely close to independent aspirations. Like you, job creators at Notre Dame, you did that yourself.

You independent, totally not surviving on the goodwill of an antiquated sports network and the not relationship you have with the ACC. You built that. You built that. You did it all yourself. BYU you may have actually done that all yourself Yeah Yeah

BYU is just the one that's like Don't mind us Just too humble to talk about it over here Don't don't please don't look too closely at the joints They are made of human flesh Hey listen you gotta work with what you got And this was on sale Bone is a surprisingly strong rebar

I can't help but note we have yet to talk about the knolls Who did factor into all this because their fans got so worked up and so angry at some point that the people running the university basically said you know what I guess we could get involved we could

talk about going to the big 12 yeah the SEC we're talking about going to the SEC we'll never go to the SEC back channel hey maybe we'll get an SEC bid hey hey we're in we're in the rumors guess we should officially meet about this stuff

you know what would have been you know it would have been the real power move that Florida State just wasn't brave enough to make. Go back to the Big East. That's right. Leave the ACCC. Go back to the Big East. Yeah, and just, just soak up like seven gimmee games on the schedule a year. Just be like, you know, 90s nostalgia is really in, so we're embracing it. We're bringing the Big East back. We're going to play the role of Virginia Tech. We're going back to the Big Eight.

It's us. The swag. Just bring back the swag. You were never in the Big Easter. The big... Noles are back. We've been Big East since day we were born, bitch. You can't spell Big East without Beast, am I right? Yeah, that sounds right.

Yeah, that's right. Just need an Ig. This leads up to the conversation about breakups, which this is... In all of this, like, the nastiest breakup for me is still Texas A and I'm leaving the Big 12 because if you went there, it was so fun to go to that last game because everyone had SEC flags before A&M was even formally in the SEC.

It was so good. They went a whole hog. They were like, you know, mom divorces your dad. Dad's real sad. Mom's like, did you know I'm dating a yoga instructor? And you're like, you converted the entire house into a yoga studio. You haven't come to any of my school plays

a month exactly you told the dog namaste it doesn't even speak english i'm just trying to find my center that was what a and m was like a and m just went like whole new convert enthusiast and it was so ugly to watch them interact it was kind of it was kind of fabulous that was a nasty breakup i think tc u had probably like the ultimate you like cold-blooded game telling the big east they were all the way and then just like uh yeah you know that day we were supposed to have the night nah No, this is more than that. This was like, yeah, I think we should move in together. Why don't you sign the lease?

I'll be along shortly. Uh, bye. And it's kind of like, um... I got a two-bedroom for no reason. It was like, I know you're choosing between me and somebody else, so just go ahead and cut them off. You don't even need to ever speak to them again. I'm going to do right by you, girl. Me and my friend San Diego State will be over soon.

I'm 24 and I've had a job for a year, so... Like, no, I'm not. You know what? That security deposit? I don't remember a security deposit. Do you remember one? I don't think we had to pay one on that apartment. I think we had to pay it.

Nope. Yeah. This is like they did the Papa Sise thing. That was the guy who played for Newcastle who had the on-off girlfriend. And then three days later married a Senegalese volleyball player. That's what TCU did. Like, oh yeah, we're moving in. It's cool and everything.

By the way, I'm married. By the way, I will need my stuff back. Yeah, I think I left some cleats at your house Not all of it though, we got some very nice wedding gifts I left some frogs at your house Yeah, I left the frog horn, it's just parked there I left Gary Patterson's khakis at your house You'll recognize them by their extreme bunchedness

They're wanted with rage They're so tall They're so tall and yet so short at the same time Yeah, that's uh, that may have been I think the cold let down from realignment. This led me to thinking, by the way, like, in other football breakups and heartbreak, like, we had discussed this in the pregame. Like, Urban Meyer leaving Florida, just in general, not, like, coaching switchover.

That was, you know, like, when you think about, like, instructional moments in other environments in your life, other realms in your life, watching that was like, oh, you only break up once. Just break up once. Don't do the move back in. Don't reconsider. Yeah. If you're going to get back together, you need, like, years of space and distance.

Like, you know, Bobby Petrino, a reliable relationship expert. Or Bill Snyder, right? Like, that's it. You went and tried it with somebody else. And eventually, you just had to come back to the thing you know works, right? The only one for you, Bill Magic Dick Snyder. Always said that. Always said that's what you're all calling him now, Eamol.

Every last one of you. God. I got the magic dick. That's actually on the stadium of Bill Snyder Magic Dick Family Memorial Stadium. How do you keep a family together? Love. But yeah, like that's, that to me is like, you know, that's how you do the second timer is, you know, you give it some time. Yeah.

You give it some space. You grow as people in football programs. You realize, you know, you're complimenting weakness. is right. Kansas State needed Bill Snyder, and Bill Snyder needs a job. Needs the blood of innocence. Yeah, I mean, he just goes out there and robs convenience stores until he passes out. That's true. Doesn't even sleep. It's just four straight days of larceny.

This is how I prep. How do you set up a program? First, I'm going to need 30 quickie marts. You know, it's so wonderful, though, is after he robs your gas station, the handwritten letter he sends you the next day. God, it's so, it's touching. I'm very... I just want you to know I've never seen honeybuns so lovingly arranged. The fight you put up was really inspiring. I appreciate your speed and courtesy and relinquishing the money to me, Bill Snyder.

When you grab the sawed off, I thought for sure I was done, but... It just wasn't your day, friend. Next time. And there will be a next time. Expect me. I'm Bill Snyder. I think there is sometimes the programming breaks that happen a lot like people. Like, they generally do happen a lot like actual relationships.

Like, for instance, I think that for Florida, the must champ thing was one party not wanting to be the cold bastard, right? And not wanting to give the impression of being that, right? Like, I want to seem like I have a heart. I'm not that kind of guy. And that made it so much worse. Especially because that was, this was the party that had been the job. Guilted lover previously, so I think there was the element of like, no, I'm not going to, no, this person deserves a chance. We can turn things around. We're going to talk it out in therapy. He just, he just never, ever. He just never learned how to talk about his feelings in his office.

I would like to witness Wilmush champion therapy. I think we have. Yeah, that's true. It was, it was remarkably fruitless, the whole process. talking's pointless i just got to go back to the drawing board make a hell of a season of hannibal though i think the uh i think when you look at then there's the the i broke up with you on a technicality thing like when ohio state dumped jim trestle yeah you know like you're just looking for that out right like yeah you use my credit card too many times you're out i think that one's like uh like we don't want to dump you but it's going to look bad if we stay together right yeah yeah you lost your job the thing you did i'm still cool with it but i'm going to get kicked out of the country club i think it was funny that you got nude at that buffet but everybody in town's talk about it it's not it's not

you it's not me it's everybody else it's the judgment of others yeah i mean i'm gonna lose my job let's just put it's true i'm your supervisor so this is become a problem I don't need to get on the news, too. Although, I mean, weren't, like, minor but damning infractions of the HR manual pretty much, like, that was the M.O. But that's what makes it sexy. Exactly. It's like the office. It's like Allie McBeal.

We were supposed to declare this, but we didn't. That would be. That would be. So dirty. There we go. The Jim Tressel era at Ohio State, the Allie McBeal of coaching ten years. But another breakup that came to mind when I was like, oh, man, this just, like, when you talk about nasty, like nasty but sad at the same time, like Gene Chisick, Gene Chisick is a nasty and sad departure from that university because it was sad because you're like, that's as good as it's going to get for Gene. It's also, it's also sad because, you know, normally you would hope in a breakup that there is a period of like,

Each party sort of goes through a grieving period and then slowly rebuilds and, you know, moves on to better things. And she just just had to watch while Auburn was like, woo, we're going to Panama City. Everything's perfect. I've never been in better shape. Just Instagram and Facebook photo after a photo of things like, he took me to Rome. Oh, my God. I've never been as, I've never been as fulfilled spiritually, physically. wink, wink.

I've never had a partner who got me on so many levels. It's so bad, too, because the conclusion of that entire thing, right, was this, that Auburn was dating Gene Chiswick to hang out with the friends that they actually wanted to date. That's who they hired, literally. Classic Jesse's girl scenario. Well, yeah, but Auburn pulled it off. Yeah, oh, yeah. Rick Springfield, that ain't never one.

one no SEC title. Auburn did that shit. They're like, oh, 14 and oh, man, Gene, I'm so happy with you. Then the next year,

they go to 8 and 5, then the next year they go to three and nine. And they're like, oh, I just really wanted to hang out with your cool friend, Gus.

Oh, did you think we were dating? We were just friends this whole time. Oh, yeah. Can I have my car key back? So in this scenario, Gus is dating two teams at once or something like that. Nah, it's, it works.

It works. It works. Yeah, You know, he just, he's true love. He's Gus. He's fast. That's, he's, he just, hey, listen, man, it's life. Ain't no time for tears.

Yeah. You date twice as many as your opponent. That's going to give you a higher chance of success. Exactly. Listen, you can't huddle in life. You can't, you just got to get to the line of call of play. It's true. You know?

Can't huddle, can't cuddle. Can't do neither. Yes, it's a no-cuddle offense. Just straight get to business, son. So Nick Saban And Brett Bilema are mad Because there's not enough cuddling That's it

That's Well, they're both lovers I can see Burt being mad about lack of cuddling I could too Although man That house has got to be air conditioning If I'm cuddling with Brett Bilema He's a big man

I bet he's only the finest Exactly I bet when it gives above 60 degrees He's like well I'm going to take my shirt off It's so hot Oh I haven't even put the window unit in yet Stop looking to warn you You're going to be able to see the evaporator

off of me. Imagine it like the myths of the jungle. You're probably going to see a mirage on my back. God damn it. It's like every day is like the fight scene from Eastern Promises with Brett B. Lamont. Mixed with Lawrence of Arabia. But yeah, like that... It's definitely not three hours long, though.

Yeah, that's, I mean, that's, those are, by the way, those are two gentlemen who've also had extremely acrimodious departures. Like, there is no real good way to end it. And, I mean, this goes for players, too, like, Russell Wilson at NC State. Russell Wilson at NC State had, and if you go back and look, it looks like 10 times more foolish now. It's great, because Russell was like, hey, I think I want to leave my job and, you know, maybe go to culinary school. And Tom O'Brien was like, get out. If you do that, it's over.

Get out. You take one step through the door of that culinary school. I'm ending it. I don't care what you love. I depend on that accounting money. So then he learned how to go cook cheese. Yeah, I mean, it's not perfect, but it works. No, it's working.

You got really good at it. I think that was the extremely insecure partners breakup where Russell's like, yeah, so I talk to, I don't know, Diane today. Diane. Diane baseball. Who's Diane? Man, we're done. She's baseball. We're finished.

You're like, I just talk to. That's how it always starts. I bet Tom O'Brien hates it when you have other interests. Just hates it. They're like, I was reading this really great. You were what? This sentence better end with playbook. What were you doing?

Let's talk about me. That's, uh, it means for players as well. I mean, it happened to Cam Newton at Florida. that was a little different well you know but cam like like he couldn't have just had a nice tasteful departure no all parties had to make it as uncomfortable and bad as possible and a third party had to make an ass out of themselves in the courting process yes and a fourth party had to buy a new laptop oh no and a fifth party got paid you know what it is a pretty floor to break up if somebody unrelated to it has to buy a new laptop Yeah, if there's like a minor theft somewhere at the plot line. I had to go to Texas and lay low for a while. That's a real Florida breakup.

Why? Jimmy broke up with his girlfriend. Oh, God. Why? Because Tim Tebow was there. It doesn't matter. Yeah. It never ends well, is what I'm saying.

There's no real great way to do it. When you think of like fantastic departures, they're always like quick and extremely painful. Like Jimmy Johnson from Miami, right? Jimmy Johnson just leaving Miami to be like, bye, y'all. Oh, you know, here's the big exception. And he's the exception to everything because he's too damn nice. Mike Riley. Yeah.

Like, Mike Riley is so nice that they were just like, well, I just want him to be happy. There's that. And there's also he'd gotten to the point where their fans were like, okay, seriously, are we ever going to be either especially good or bad? I don't even care if we get married. Can we just, like, you know, meet each other's parents or something? Yeah, that's who Mike Riley is. He's the, like, super nice boyfriend who just is not ever going to marry.

The one where you look up and, like, you two have been together for like 17 years. Is this going anywhere? Yeah, I guess he has Susan. He's real nice. That's true. Are they common law now? I think when it gets the point where, like, Oregon State and Riley were basically like, who owns what? No, but then Mike Riley's stuff.

up and he's like uh actually several loopholes uh we are not married in any way shape or form but hey who wants in and out yeah hey guys i'll win 10 i'll win i'll win 10 or 11 games every like five years just to you know i will i will put on my best just when you've forgotten that i'm capable of doing it but he'll always bring home dinner always just the yeah yeah in the in the four win years there's there's still there's still dinner things happening yeah i got to say though You go, say this for Bobby Petrino, okay? Ooh, all right. It's quick.

Like, I mean, at the end of a relationship, you know, you want a hangman, and you want that hangman to be capable and skilled, and you want to be quick. You can't even play a boys' to men song. By the time it's halfway through, he left. Oh, though we've got. Yeah, there goes the end of the road right there. Bobby Dundrove off the end of the road. Your phone starts buzzing. Oh, Bobby, huh.

He was right here. Yeah, the best way to find closure is to have that person, you know, turn into an enemy immediately. Yeah, that's it. Listen, and it forced you to move in with a crazy old man for comfort. Basically, Arkansas, Arkansas, when that happened, hey, John L. Smith is an interim coach. I forgot that happened in real life. That happened in real life.

They basically, it was basically this. Arkansas was like, well, I can't pay this rent by myself. I'll go live with my dad. I got to live with my dad. But here's the funny part. I don't know if John L could pay it either. He definitely couldn't. He's just good at convincing people he can do it.

Dude, that's the most Arkansas part of the story. Yeah, I got a bunch saved up. Exactly. Hey, why don't you move in with me, son? I haven't bought anything in 35 years. I got plenty of money. It's all gone, son. And then around November, you realize, wait, you're broke too?

Smile! Why aren't you getting social security checks? never let the government know I was real. If you put the money in the fridge, they'll give you a bigger check. Don't put her to the bank. If you never catch those checks, they'll just keep sending them. You know, they'll just send you cheese? This is an amazing country.

Yeah, John L. Smith was the wacky dad that, the wacky broke dad you had to live with for six months until you got back on your feet. And then you found a fix, then you found a blue collar fixer-ur-upper. Oh, my God. Who you met in a casino. You literally met at a casino. God damn, I'm so happy Brett Bileman's in the SEC. Reader questions. I think it's time to forget about the painful past and move on to reader questions.

Do you gentlemen have, have you chosen your selections for tonight? I got so many choices. I got like, I have legitimately six I could do, but I'll narrow it down. So I'll let you guys go first because it's unlikely that you will take all of my questions. Okay. Sounds like it. I have narrowed mine down to three and we'll pick one to start. Okay? Which is this? Could this Georgia team, this is from J.O.G. Martin, Jackson O.G. Martin at Twitter. Could this Georgia team with Nick Chubb and friends make a bowl game with Reggie Ball at QB? And the answer is yes. Yeah. Absolutely. You forget. Joe Cox. Joe Cox. The legend of Joe Cox. You forget that, like, basically, I mean, I don't want to speak too ill of him. But basically, Arkansas did really well last year with not much more than Reggie Ball at QB.

I think we might be forgetting Reggie Ball. I'm not. In a way. I'm not. Just because Nick Chubb and I think Georgia's offensive line, they're going to be good enough to enable some substandard play at QB. And if you want to define Reggie Ball and quarterback, it would be substandard QB. However, I know this, that if Reggie Ball were QB for Georgia, that he would never beat them. I mean...

You know what you just want a quarterback who's not going to beat yourself? Well, Reggie Ball would be playing for Georgia. So, hands... Actually, considering his record against Georgia, Georgia might go like 11 and 1. Exactly. Reggie Ball went to four-ball. This is brilliant. Reggie Ball went to four-ball game.

Yeah Like Yeah I mean He also didn't have You know Alabama and Auburn on the schedule Yeah but he

Actually he beat Auburn That was his claim to fame That was his claim to fame Beating Auburn as a freshman Okay This is gonna work Yeah he also had Megatron For part of it

Yeah but have you seen the way He threw to Megatron I mean yeah I did Handing off to Nick Chub is easier than throwing to anybody That's all he has to do Is hand off to Nick Chub and punt? Yeah yeah I'll go bowl game

This will work Is it possible that we're not putting enough of that on Chan Galey as well. Oh, we'll put as much of it on Chan Galey as you like. What do you want me to put on it? Ooh, 60%? Yeah, easy. That seemed fair?

Easy, yeah. Okay, great. Sure. That was great work. Every time, yeah. Literally fail to recruit or develop or bring in transfer, Juco, anything better than Reggie ball for four entire years. That's on you.

Reggie's only one man. Yeah. And just to explain in reverse. First, those who do not know who Reggie Ball is. He was an IKEA shelving unit that played quarterback for Georgia Tech for four years, despite all evidence to the contrary, that he should be playing quarterback. Despite the recall, IKEA tried. They tried.

But, you know, listen, Chan wasn't getting out the Allen wrenches again. You know how frustrating it is to set those things up. You build it once. You're just going to ride with it until it falls apart or leaves. And Chan didn't think the Swedish meatballs were all that good. No. That's why it's a damn full. Question, Ryan. Oh, God, I got a pick now. Okay. I'm going to go with this one. This is from Morgan Cook at M. Cook 1. Being a fan of which college football team is most like being in a terrible relationship and why.

Oh, I have so many nominees. Throw one out at me. So many. But the one that I have never understood. up until recent history. But remember that South Carolina would sell out their games even when they went like 0 and 10? That's just the one I don't get. Because they would show up.

I mean, recently that's been validated with some actual success. But before then, being a South Carolina fan was the height of irrationality. If you were a Kentucky fan, you could at least plausibly say, all right, I'm hanging around for basketball season. and then maybe my life will change a little bit, all right?

Because you knew it was bad. South Carolina didn't have that. So just locally in the SEC, that's the one that I totally do not get. That's fair. God, I guess I got to go with Kansas. Like, Kansas has, I think they are trying at this point. But previous editions of Kansas have proven that trying is sort of irrelevant. of it. And it's probably not great that the coach under which you had your most sustained

success and national fame also turned out to be kind of a giant shithead. And I know the coaches are probably all giant shitheads in some way, but he was like, you know, a pretty major one, who now, you know, is just happy to be the offensive coordinator at Iowa State. So Kansas seems like a particularly, no matter how much you give to that relationship, it will not be returned to you even one-tenth. That's how far, think about it though,

that's how far you had to go to validate Kansas. It's like you had to pull this like heart of darkness shit where you're like, I don't know what I've become. My methods have become unsound. I've had to destroy my life and everything in it just to get this team to find. Yeah, I've had to pick up this. Kansas had to reach like the, you don't know what I'm capable of, point just to make bowls.

It's like, oh, you hired Sleepy Joker. Yeah. The, I'm going to go ahead and recommend Ole Miss here because, like, to me, the true hallmark. Godfrey just ran his lawnmower over a neighborhood cat. The, uh, that cat managed to go five and three. Again, that's probably something that's actually happened to a promising Old Miss football player, run over by, like, run over by Old Miss alum and tragic lawn accident. Oh, Coach, oh, what did you do? But, like, I think, like, how you know you're really in this sort of a doom situation is when, like, it starts to look better and that makes it feel worse because it's like, oh, this might keep going.

But, like, the, the Ole Miss fan, I think they've traded. Mark doing the thing where you say, you know, I think Ole Miss is going to be pretty good this year. They have a ton of experience. They've recruited all right. Their schedule is not all that tough relatively. And they immediately say, stop, stop. Don't say that. You can't, don't ever say we're going to be good. Like, I think they do that more than anybody else in the country, just like this total aversion to anyone ever thinking things might ever actually improve. Well, that's because Ole Miss is your cousin who keeps getting tossed in jail. And like, maybe he stays clean for a year or two and you're like hey i think old miss is really turned it around you know

he's he's uh making better social choices oh oh he just punched a cop well well there's that yeah i mean sooner or later things will turn around but things go wrong for them when things go wrong for them they just go so like supernaturally wrong in all directions for them it's not like old miss just forgets like it's not like old miss just stands you up you know it's like old miss stands you up by getting drunk and plowing your car into a tree and then getting into a fight with the cop and then you know resisting arrest and then calling the ex-girlfriend instead of you to bail them out right like that's that's how wrong and bad old miss gets things yeah the the lequan treadwell leg injury oh god of the auburn game right just that's that's that's a

old miss that's the you know what's especially cruel about being an old miss fan you have to watch the people that you you ran out of town at the time for perfectly good reasons and they they they do fine like david cutcliffe things are fine at orgeron almost turned the interim an interim gig at USC into the full-time job there he like the nut is on every week houston nut might be on comic View right now. Is he? I'm going to change this channel. I got the NBA on.

I'm going to let you all go. I don't want to know if he's not, honestly. I'm just going to assume he's on Comic View. But yeah, like, that's... And Old Miss football players go on to do pretty well in the NFL sometimes, even though that, like, you know, they play on these, like, star-cross teams. Like, that's just... And just to make this out, the Old Miss experience, all the more worse, it's really

hard to find a more self-loathing bunch of fans because the only thing that they get into so many little internecine fights about old business oh yeah there's no unified front because you're constantly on guard against becoming a Mississippi state Ian in some way

and like that is there's also we don't want to you know we want to be able to say I like Ole Miss sports without that being taken as racist yeah you're like am I being racist okay cool Is somebody calling me racist? Well, I'm not racist. You just got the South wrong. You know, they're a racist in British Columbia, too.

Exactly, you're right. You know, like, man, you know, there's no one more racist than an old Miss fan, says the Old Miss fan. You're like, yeah, you're right. And they're like, fuck you. Yeah. I'm not going to let some New Yorker tell me what to do. And you're like, I live in Atlanta. I was born in Tennessee.

And then you hand them a DVD copy of the blindside. This actually happened. This is all the world knows of you. This and Colonel Sanders. That's it. That's Kentucky's problem. That is totally Kentucky's problem. Jason.

All right. Let's see. Let's see. From Ethan Hammerman on Twitter, Ethan Ham, which two college football head coaches make the cutest couple? I'll go like that couple that's not flashy about anything,

lived in the same house for about 35 years. Let's say we put together Frank Beamer and Bill Snyder. That's pretty cute. Yeah, I mean, that's pretty cute. I mean, Frank's going to raise up and tie one on every now and then. There'll be a celebratory gunfire every now and then. But who keeps the light on? The rock, the steady, steady rock.

Can I switch out Bill Snyder for Norm Chow? That's not that cute. I think that's super cute. What the hell is wrong with you? Norm just falls asleep three minutes into this movie Okay, now I get it Yeah

That's cute Yeah He's just asleep For like the entire movie It's sort of like It's sort of an up thing So Norm's not going to make it To the end of this film

I thought you were gonna take me We never found the time By his offenses over the last like decade It's more like Sideways and up Horizontal Down Down. Backwards. Emphasis on backwards.

This is a very tough one, but if I have to pick the couple, man, I'm just going to go, I'm going to go two men who are basically married in terms of college football faiths right now. I'm going Art Browell's and Gary Patterson. Because, you know, they're just the arguing Texans. You got the one who's, you know, calm and he's going to talk about things. It'll be cool. We got it. So it's all right. Right. And then you've got the one who's, you know, always hiking up his pants.

Fiery. Yeah, always getting thrown out of concerts. One does offense. One does defense. Hmm. That might work. They have kind of opposite physiques and everything. They do. Like, this is like, I don't know if you remember the Ted and Fred books, you know, where like there was this one fat dog, fat short dog and then one tall dog and they were forever doing things like, I got a short bed and I'm tall. And like, you know, I got the tall bed and I'm short.

And then like, you know, you turn the page and they switch and they're like, see, we solved the problem. every episode of like art and Gary would just be the two of them like having things where nothing fit and they just switched right like I wanted a burger and I got a hot dog like that takes up like two and a half hours of the first date right there yeah exactly just them arguing over that until Gary Patterson gets you mouthy in your band from Kirk Franklin concerts for life the most Fort Worth sentence ever fucking I got a band from Kurt Franklin concert for talking shit to him.

I got too hype for the Gopold show.