Shutdown Fullcast - Shutdown Fullcast 4.1.0: Moms Who Like Wine

Episode Date: January 20, 2016

The first episode of the FOURTH (fourth!) season of the Shutdown Fullcast begins with a discussion about Dolly Parton, and then pretty much flies downhill from there (because all things are downhill from the greatness of Dolly Parton.) Topics include: --Dolly, and all the things she's done for you --Phoenix's perfect okayness as a host city for football, and Tampa's definite dismalness as a host city for football --We have no offseason plans! Besides not reading Dad Fiction (we're totally reading Dad Fiction this offseason) and starting a business for "Moms Who Like Wine" --Reader questions, including a discussion of what disrespected teams will be most disrespectedly disrespected before the season even starts --Some lengthy discussion of The Revenant, which Jason and Spencer agree is just "fine" and is filled with "really disgusting things" --The worst fast food restaurants that are actually so bad you would not eat at them despite your predilection for bad fast food --More lengthy discussion, this time of things where your critical compass is completely off from everyone else's Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown fullcast. This is our first full off-season version of the full cast, just to keep you familiar with how this particular podcast works. We're going to be discussing college football and other things, usually on Wednesday. Usually record on Tuesday, go on Wednesday in the off-season. Maybe a rogue emergency version every now and then. Maybe we do one for the Oscars.

I don't know. Maybe we do one for something we feel equally passionate about. What would that be, Ryan Nanny? Dolly Parton. That's what it would be. Happy birthday, Dolly, I love you. Happy birthday, Dolly. I think she's listening.

She turned 70 today on this Tuesday. I can probably say definitively the most important person in my life. So this is the one person that you are on record is saying that you feel you would be too emotionally compromised to ever, like, interview or do anything with. professionally, right? I can meet God a lot more easily. Okay. Yeah, with God, and I'd be like,

well, whatever, that's God. But then Dolly'd walk in the room and I'd completely lose my shit. Because she's been there so many times for me in life. She was in Rhinestone. She was in Best Little Horror House in Texas. She was,

she did her own show. She later appeared on VH1 Classic doing songs that I remember hearing with my grandfather on WSM in Nashville. I mean, she's been everything. She was Glastonbury 2014. She made a collective soul song good.

Do you know how hard that is to do? It's pretty hard. Nobody else has done that. No, literally no one. No one said, oh, I'll do a cover of a collective soul song because they know it'll be like trying to polish a like rusty soda can. But dangham, she did it and did it well. And she was in nine to five, which I don't know.

She tied up Dabney Coleman and like, whipped him yeah in a dream sequence it was wonderful might have been a formative experience from more than one young boy watching that film on basic cable nine to five is a what year to nine to five come out man that might be 1980 it is you're right on the dot the very tail end of 1980 and it is the like earliest 80 movie 80s movie I've ever seen because it just has the story is just thin enough to hang a movie on but beyond that, it's just like, hey, what if just Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin and

Dolly Parton all just did fun shit, smoked weed? It sounds like the way you said it. It sounds like that that movie came out and they realized, oh, shit, we got to flip the calendar. It's the 80s now. It's not... This movie does not belong in the 70s. It's not dissimilar. That is fairly accurate.

We should also note that in addition to this, I'm just going to go ahead and unload the cool facts about Dolly Parton. She gave Porter Wagner back his entire publishing catalog because she had money like that. She bought a damn theme park because she had money like that.

That theme park, Dollywood, will let you take your dog into the theme park itself. You're not going to bring a Dixie Stampede? I'm going to keep going. She was in steel magnolias. Okay. which is acceptable viewing

for any man who really wants to get in touch with their feelings, damn it. Olympia Dukakis decided tonight with a couple of friends at dinner, she's Southered, just by virtue of that movie. I know she's not from here. We're just going to go ahead and induct her. That's fine. We adopted her. She's the emotional heart of that movie,

even though she's in it for like seven minutes. And she'll send your kid a book. Like, I realize not today in Tennessee. apparently it's like all over the United States Dolly Parton will just send your kids a book until they're like 14 or 12 or something Because she was poor as shit Yes

So keep in mind East Tennessee produced the two greatest Americans of our time Which would be Steve Spurier and Dolly Parton Yeah I mean you're not wrong Our time That seems like two or three times ago No no no no this is our time

That's fine That could be someone else's time I'm not calling them old. I'm saying, can we really claim them? I'm going to start saying that other people came from East Tennessee. Right? Young Jeezy came from East Tennessee. Not far, South Carolina.

Mahatma Gandhi, East Tennessee. Not far. No. Okay, kind of far. East Zanzibar. Pretty sure that's where he was born. It's got mountains. Wolverine.

Wolverine, totally. Hugh Jackman and Wolverine. Do you know Hugh Jackman's Instagram account, which is actually better than Hugh Jackman, born in East Tennessee. Wow. All totally true. So happy birthday, Dolly.

So many amazing facts. So many accomplishments. And we didn't even mention hard candy Christmas. Oh, man. Don't do this. I'm going to get emotional. I know. I'm going to tear up.

So, yes. Dolly Parton and her... We didn't even mention Jolene. We didn't mention Joshua. There's a lot we didn't mention. She was on Designing Women. Gaw. how like the accomplishments are too numerous to list i will say joshua's my favorite song of hers

because it's about her going to the scariest man in town and falling in love with them i feel bad for the people who heard us who sat through 20 seconds of us talking about dolly parton and bailed they fucked up they did if you can if you just turn this back on like maybe we'll give it another chance turn it back off you don't deserve it because here comes 20 more seconds about dolly pardon followed by we all were at the national title game I think which we regarded it as a unanimous success yeah it was it was the game itself

it was entertaining and apparently economical to get to if you wanted a ticket last minute very much so what was your you didn't have to purchase a ticket did you no I managed to skis one off of a corporate contact okay

because I feel like that would have been I really kind of wish you had just tailed somebody trying to desperately unload four tickets at the end of the near the start of kickoff and just see we might ought to do that just see like the dissent maybe we do that next year for the late New Year's Eve playoff game or the final because that one might be here in Atlanta

and we have a number of ticket salesman well I'm sure as it is pretty much anytime you're anywhere near the dome someone's trying to sell you tickets so those fellows will be working triple time and then there's the championship game in Tampa where I'm sure there won't be any issues with fraud or other flim flammary can I remind you of this that these end up where where for next year yeah the semis are in Atlanta and in Phoenix Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, no, no, I'm talking about, let's get to the final. Where's that final next year? Home. We're going home, boys. Yeah, I thought Ryan already said that. Yeah.

Yeah, Tampa. Tampa. We're going to Tampa. Which is like, I always lead on Ryan for this, but I want to remind you of how hard the college football playoff has already screwed up an otherwise decent concept. And in year three saying, hmm. Let's take this to the marquee location of Tampa. I mean, there are a handful of good arguments in favor of Tampa. There is a football field.

There is a football field. Two, the weather will definitely not be, like, it was kind of cold and crappy in Phoenix a lot of the time we were there. It wasn't bad. It wasn't bad at all. You'd never think weather is bad. I don't want to hear from you. It was like 55 degrees. It was in the back of a convertible, matter of fact.

It was. It was fine. It was fine, but it was not as nice as it could have been. It will be nicer in Tampa. Tampa has a, I will say great things about Tampa's airport, maybe because it often means you're leaving, but it's efficient. It's easy to get to from several national hubs. I think Tampa's is going to secretly be a success and also a total shit show. I don't know. Let's keep in mind you said Tampa's going to have better weather. than 55 sunny and dry and no wind at all. I do want to point out, though, that we should all just prepare ourselves for the possibility that we have a national championship game in Tampa, Florida, including the Florida State Seminoles, because that's a possibility we should all.

I'm not saying it's going to happen. That's not a prognostication, but I'm also saying don't rule it out and then try to understand what that means. I will say this. If you go to Tampa, the great challenge will be one, finding anything to train a camera on besides the collection of bank buildings in the middle of town. True. There are bridges that people jump off of to die. To die.

To die. So you can film a documentary. There's the University of Tampa, which has Russian-inspired architecture. Because even they were like, God, you know what sounds better than Tampa? Russia. yep there's uh let's say L cap over in St. Pete for your scenic hamburger so they'll just go over to St. Pete and film it and the like 20 people who are actually from St. Petersburg will get real bad about this um there's going to be somebody's

going to get in a I predict at least one of the team members of whoever is represented in this game is going to get thrown out of bush gardens okay yeah did you get thrown out of Bush Gardens when you lived in Tampa? No, no, no, no, no. Because, I mean, there's literally nothing else to do in Tampa. You can't get thrown out of Bush Gardens, man. There's, you can go touch the dolphins from the dolphin movie. Yeah. There's, there's, the ocean is close.

There's, uh, the world's second largest, Salvador Dali museum. Second largest. Because why not? That's true. There's, there's, there's Highline. My favorite thing about Tampa Bay Highline. It's a very large thing that says no handguns in Tampa Bay Highlight, please. It's a very large sign. Yeah, there's, it's bustling.

There are lots of shirts with, like, lots of, lots of shops with, like, you know, beach shirts. Sure, even if they're not near the beach. Yeah, with, like, sayings on them, like fart jokes. Right. Yeah. Or you could go to Historic Ebor. Oh. Yeah.

Where you can do a shot off of. You can do a shot off of an ice block. As your forefathers and their forefathers before them did. There are, I would wager there are more McDonald's per capita than just about anywhere on Earth. The most McDonald's per capita I've ever seen. Checkers. Yeah, checkers really has dug in there pretty well. But he's right.

There are a fair amount of McDonald's. Yeah. Otherwise, it's going to be. pretty dismal. There's not much to do in Tampa, but get out of it. It's going to be great. We're going to have a great time, you guys. I'm so excited. It's going to be fantastic.

Do you have, this is the off-season, we are entering the off-season, and I will spring a surprise on you, which is this, your off-season goals, because I know I always said, oh, here's everything I'll get done in the off-season. I end up doing, like, two of them out of a list of, like, eight.

But, Jason, do you have any off-season goals? Things that you would like to accomplish now that you have an entire day and a half to two days freed up out of your life? Well, I usually try to get sort of back into shape and like to try and run a couple 10Ks and whatever. That's not really a new goal though. That's sort of a, I have to do this or else I won't survive next season thing. As far as new stuff, I haven't put much thought into it yet.

Ryan? I just want to read. like non-sports things i'm very happy to read non-sports things are you a fiction or non-fiction i'm gonna i i haven't i i used to read a lot of fiction but i haven't in the last couple years so i'm gonna try to like catch up big time yes that's because you live in the real world now yeah yeah because you don't read fiction after you actually enter the real world well and it's too easy to fall into like the dad fiction thing where you're like oh this is oh the history the history of submarine well I'll read this that sounds interesting I'll learn something

damn it that's fascinating I know because every other show would be like a young man torn between his history like a young man in Williamsburg Brooklyn go on yeah you're describing Roger so Roger Sherman a man obsessed with pudding that's a book title right there A man obsessed with pudding. Yeah.

My favorite, there's this entire school of literature that's like middle-aged women who only summer on like Cape Cod having affairs. Like that's, oh man, there's an entire school of like literature that's like she summered on Cape Cod and fell in love with the carpenter. Do you think Kate Chopin is like, that's not what I wrote The Awakening for. God damn it. It wasn't a how-to, you dumbasses. I just look there's this entire school of like scumbag lady literature that, that's, that's, that, It's really dollied up and dressed up. Like, if a dude wrote it, it's like, yeah,

I went and had sex with this hot chick. It was really cool. A dude would write it terribly. Dude, right it would be three pages. Yeah. I'd be like, yeah, so I had sex. Her name was Amber. And she was super hot.

There's this entire scumbag lady candidate of literature that's like 300 pages of like, emotionally, this is what I needed most at that time. That's what I needed. The other thing I'm going to try to do this off-season. is start a side business, and that side business is in the lucrative industry of moms who like wine and who want, like, shirts or trivets or other paraphernalia. It doesn't even have to make sense.

It can just say something like, my other car is chardonnay. And, like, white moms love that shit. Team Pino Noir. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. The sticker for the back of the Hyundai Santa Fe. Just put it right on there. Don't bother me before I've had my Shibli.

I don't know. That doesn't sound. It's great. My goal is to just sort of regain my sanity somewhat. That's it. How's that going? Very poorly. Okay.

Very. I'm not going to be real frank. It's not going real well. So where's the meter at right now? Oh, it's, it's, um, Nose is just above water. So this is a good time to bring up fair listener that inevitably Spencer will have to leave to do something. And Jason and I are going to have to do this show by ourselves and we know you hate it.

And we don't give a fuck. Yeah, they don't. And you know what? I don't either. That's great. I think they should learn to deal with that. This is part of your maturation as a human being. We will have Brian Floyd and his shit-ass internet connection on every episode for a month.

This is part of your maturation as a listener. You have to become a better listener. It's not us. It's you that has to level up here. This is Stockholm syndrome, okay? Because when Spencer is on, it's like the Chinese buffet. You're just like, oh, this is all so delicious, and it's basically free, and I'll eat as much of it as I can. But when it's just me and Jason, it becomes more like a conceptual art restaurant,

where it's like, really the experience is about what's not on the plate. Now, here's one frozen pee. That's $80. Yeah, it's one of them restaurants where the chef just woke up this morning, and he did not feel like using any, you know, vegetables. So Waffle House. Well, I guess that would, yeah, that would apply there. Yeah, there's actually, like, one vegetable at Waffle House.

That's it. There's some spinach that they'll do with the, like, skinny chicken platter. Otherwise, that's it. You can get some iceberg lettuce. Can you get some iceberg? Yeah, it's... You say... You got to bring it yourself, though.

You got to shoot it. You got to shoot it yourself out back. You want this in the office? The way to get some iceberg is to ask for garden on whatever you order. On your eggs? Yeah. Like the garden eggs. I was going to say, this is like, if you go to Waffle House and you say iceberg lettuce is a vegetable, they're like, oh, you're one of us.

You're Georgian. That's true. Hey, we're going to answer some reader questions. I thought we would do that tonight to ease into this offseason, a vast offseason where, you know, the next marker in this calendar year is signing day. And we'll talk about that. Are we? Sure, just a little. All right.

But not, but not this week. No. Okay. Okay. Because I just, I don't know shit about recruiting. Yeah, I don't either until like a week before. And then you find out like Christmas, you're like, I looked in the closet and I'm getting a G.I. Joe Hovercraft committed to Miami. Shit. That tag says somebody else other than me. No. Yeah, that's recruiting. We're going to get into that eventually. I just want people to know it's down the road. But over the years, I think we've sort of, I think, taken on a rather blasé approach to this. There's people who care about. about it and you just let them care about it right

they do a great job bud elliott thank you bud you're a bless I mean I keep up with it but it's fine that you'll be let bud have his day in the sun I don't mean to brag but I'm pretty aware of what's happening and recruiting but

but don't listen to him we're proud of you it's not as aware as bud I was going to say Jason so you're really tracking rose of like like we're rosy d'angilatopoulos, right? Where's he going? Yep, he's, uh, well, he's going to, uh, to, uh, to, uh, to Mitsu, I'm afraid to say.

Mm. Do you have, do you have a spreadsheet? No, I, I, then, then you know what? Get out of here. Listen, listen, if we're comparing me to Bud Elliott and his, his, uh, his supersized laptop screen and his fablet that he needs to keep track of all his recruiting spreadsheets, then no. No, I guess I don't pay any attention at all. But compared to you to, a pair of I pay a lot of attention. Hey, he also needs the fablet so he can film himself asking recruits, which emoji is most on a fleek. And so he can periscope recruiting events while asking his periscope followers for golf scores.

Did he do that? Yeah, yeah. This was, yeah, this was a day when I was on vacation and I was checking in. How are things going? Oh, but, you know, getting live golf scores while pariscoping some recruiting events. Okay, good. It sounds like everything's fine. Can one of you ask Bud if we can do a live shutdown forecast at his wedding?

Oh, yeah, we could. Okay. Yeah, we probably ought to. We can figure this out. Yeah, but it'll just be like, yeah, you got to help load and unload, you know. Y'all are going to have to be cater waiters. That'll save me, though. I think he'll make a sing or something like that.

Happily. Happily. I mean, Ryan and I still need to do Easy Lover. That's right. Yeah, you're on Philip Bailey's parts, right? Yep. Yep. I'm on Phil Collins and I'm going to tuck my pants into some pleaded cackies and rock this thing.

It's going to happen. You're on synth, Jason. Okay, yeah. So, questions. I have one that I would like to answer. Actually, I have two. We'll just run an option here. Indulge yourself.

Fuck it. Yeah. We don't have anything else discussed. There's not football for like another year. There's a whole year between now. An entire calendar year. Surely. There are 12 years.

17 months. Man, remember this moment right now when it's August and we look up like, oh, God, there's football in like two weeks. You could go and get your medical degree at the time it takes for football season. We have our whole lives ahead of us right now, boys. We just take a few months to relax. Have you seen? And then. Yeah.

It's like interstellar. The offseason actually moves at 27 years. per hour. I thought you were going to say this is like inner space and I'm like, yeah. Yeah. You're the Martin short in my head, Ryan. It's like inner vision. It's like inner vision.

I can't remember which, I can't remember which songs were on that album. The Stevie Wonder album, the classic, which I believe has, you are the sunshine of my life on it. Later on, later on, if we have time, I will tell you about Stevie Wonder and the most smooth dad lineup of music ever. coming to New Orleans Jazz Fest this summer. But please, let's answer some questions. I'm sorry, that has don't you worry about a thing

and live in for the city on it. And higher ground. Yeah, that's a lot better than You Armour Sunshine or whatever you said. Yeah, that's all. Smooth, dad. Yeah, it's not better than love, light, and flight, though. But still,

my question is from Buster Bronco Esquire, aka Fernette Bronco. The question is, I know as early for a preseason top 10. But which teams will be most disrespected next year? Oh, the disrespect! I'm already

mad. Already cranking up here on January 19th, 2016. I'll tell you what, the number one team that's the most disrespected is your team. Just so much disrespect. Nobody's given the shot.

No one. Especially number two team, Alabama. Yeah. Not unanimity. Not unanimous number one. And even if they are unanimous, that's just of the voters. What about those who can't vote? Why didn't we ask them?

That's biased. Why didn't they let them vote? Mm-hmm. There's people out there doubting. That's ACORN. Ohio State's going to be up there. They always are. Sure.

Because after finishing number one and number three, preseason polls got them lower in the top 10, which is even that might be a little generous because they're losing their entire rosters. But still, I don't think. that's going to phase Ohio State fans much. It's true. The losing the roster part. The ranking low in the top ten, that part will, yes. Yeah. I'm going to give you LSU.

Oh, massively disrespected. You just keep underestimating less. Just go on. Oh, I'll throw you one. Georgia. Yeah. I mean, why are you putting all this on

the old regime? Mark Rick's gone. Yeah Florida State Why are you calling Jimbo out Jimbo's got a ring Yeah I think the more Clemson gets Talked up for next year The more FSU will be

Disrespected Because other than a quarterback FSU returns a whole lot more than Clemson Yeah and also their fan base is kind of dim Yeah and facts aside This is less about what's coming back And more about the people who are rooting for what's coming back They're totally going to be in that Tampa title game, and Spencer won't even go.

No, why would I? I don't need to watch that. Michigan State is, of course, always disrespected. Yeah, that's like a program value at Michigan. Especially because they're going to show up in the preseason rankings, about 10 spots behind Michigan, which they beat Farran Square decisively last year, left no doubts at all on the field. Wired a wire. Yeah.

Completely dominated them for 60 minutes. Baylor? I think Baylor is, like, quietly clobiles. climbing into the ranks of perpetually disrespected, right? Okay, I mean, some, maybe. This season, yeah, because they won a bowl game. Like last year it was, you know, oh, well, you know, the last few years, it's been, yeah, you had a good season, but, you know, the ending sort of shut you up.

But now they got all that ball of momentum rolling. And then there's the team that has respect to spare. It would probably be happy to give some to you because, oh, God, the spotlight is hot. and that's tennessee oh oh jesus yeah does anybody want to do some kind of like carbon exchange are you you you feel you feel you feel you feel disrespected boy uh i would love to give you some ap votes so looking at the uh the composite way too early top 25 Tennessee's 10 oh yeah Tennessee is ahead of the rose bowl champion ahead of the peach bowl champion if we could just uh get down to 17 or something where we could just sit quietly that would be a that'd be a

awesome. They want to be, like, I think this really should work like carbon credits, right? Like, Tennessee needs to trade down. Yeah. They need to be respect neutral. They're like, listen, we're college football's first respect neutral team.

We traded down all of that abundance of respect for some disrespect so that we are technically respect neutral. People really respect Monsanto now. Yeah. It's amazing. Like, they traded with Tennessee. It was awesome.

Like, that's another team like Stanford. I know there's like 80 people, 85, who really care about this, but Stanford's just massively disrespected. Because they get back, they get back Christian McCaffrey. I don't care who's playing quarterback. They get back Christian McCaffrey. I think they also don't care, though.

No, they don't. Yeah, they're not too worried about it. The PAC 12, let's see, the disrespect rankings. I'm going to put Oregon pretty high up there. Oregon seems like a good candidate. Yeah. Can Oregon be disrespected, though? Who? Not after blowing a 31-point lead in a bull game. Hi, Dan Rubinstein. Yeah.

UCLA? Maybe. That way. There's not really a Pac-12. Oh, Utah. Utah's the Pac-12 team. Because they're not even being talked about ranked. And after they won, what, 10 games or so? Nine, 10 games? Yeah, they went 10 to 3. They're going to be the team that's going to yell and complain. Okay. Okay. Man, so much disrespect. Yeah, I'm going to say this, too. The teams that are respected, like, and want to trade down, right?

Tennessee's one. I think Florida, whatever they're like. Oh, yeah. Oh, please. We'd be happy to trade down. Whatever South Carolina is, if somebody's like, South Carolina will go five and, you know, five and seven. Easy. Easy, easy, man. Slow down there.

Fast and furious. Texas? Texas would be more than happy to whatever you want. Here, just take it. You want to say we're going to win three games? That's fine. I'll put an Arkansas on that list. Oh, yeah. Just over-look it. They'll start in the preseason top 25. We know they'll immediately exit it and then claw their way back.

I feel like they'd rather just go ahead and start out of it. Boys, we left out a big-time disrespect candidate. The Iowa Hawkeyes. Yeah. Yeah, they probably won't even be top 10 after that, you know, pretty good 11-win season. Oh, man. 12, dog, 12? Pretty good 12-win season.

Yeah, can I just give you, by the way, Arkansas? They start with Louisiana Tech and at TCU. They're immediately bombing out of the ring. Yeah, just go ahead and just go ahead and write it in now. Incredible surge brings Arkansas back into the top 25. Dude, their second, their second SEC game on October. eight this Alabama, just go ahead, take the elevator down, man.

Trade down. I'm excited for the week one lost to LaTac, because then we get to do the skip holds to Texas, question mark? You son of a bitch. So we're picturing like 9 and 4 for Arkansas With like an 0 and 4 start. Yeah.

Not that strong a finish, but a fascinating finish. Like they'll go 2 and 2 in November and we'll be like man, they're amazing. Say one thing about your team it's fascinating fascinating is that good yeah is that good Jason do you have a question I mean that in the old time you way let's see if the grizzly bear from the Revit this comes to us from Smithfire 13 on Twitter if the grizzly bear from the Revenant is Baylor what program represents Leo first of all two of us have seen this movie this this very very

important film it's very moving an important film We're just quoting our favorite I love that part There was one reviewer I think it's salon.com I was reading through the worst reviews because they're the ones I felt would most resonate with me

and this one just trashed it they called this movie it's like watching a Wiley Coyote cartoon because it's just every scene is just, oh, wow, an anvil dropped on Leo's head and watch him act his way out of it. Incredible.

That took an hour. Wow, you can hear the blood. That's great acting. Like, there's a folly artist somewhere who made the Revenant who's sitting there like, like he was sitting in a studio in Burbank with Inoritu, the director.

And he's got like a knife and a cantaloupe and he goes, and he Ritu's like, no, no, no, no, no, that's not right. The cantaloupe is too ripe. Cantalope is too ripe. Then it's like, you know, slightly raw watermelon. No, no, it's not right. It's not the sound of a knife going into a thigh for the third time.

That man should get an Oscars, what I'm saying. Yeah, that guy, the noise guy. Yeah. But yeah, this movie's long. I honestly, while watching it, I just kept thinking, I would really rather be watching The Grey. Wow. Wolf punching.

You're watching this movie about, you know, surviving the snow and stuff. And it's like, yeah, I could watch Liam Nesoms get it done in an hour or less. Punching wolves with whiskey bottles taped to his hands. That's so much better than this. But as for the bear, yeah, if it's Baylor, then I think the Leo in this case, of course, the bear malls Leo. And then he spends the rest of the movie recovering from the bear mauling. That's going to be every, like, Baylor schedule because Baylor starts out real hot and they tear you up and they bite your face and stand on your head for a while. And then they kind of forget about you and you shoot them and you stab them in the lungs and you both roll down a hill.

And, you know, that's kind of just every Baylor season. It starts awesome and that it ends with them sort of crushing you as you both tumble down a hill. And Leo also sounds like a Baylor quarterback in that at the end you're like, how is he alive? How is he's still alive? This is what the calls? Like Baylor, like, Baylor's scuba roll up to the line, and that's his audible. Seth Russell, your spine just broke. I'm going back out there.

Come my boy. Come up boy. You should really see this movie. It's really fun. I'm serious. It's not a good movie, but you should go see it with a friend and just make fun of it. It's a delight. You should see it.

And sort of like, remember what your face looked like the whole time. Just because you're just going to make interesting faces the whole time you watch this. And like none of them will be like delighted or impressed or anything like that. Just, hmm. He sleeps naked inside a real horse carcass. Yeah. And like, they really beat you over the head with like symbolism you would, you know, conjure as like a freshman. Like the part where he's, he cuts his way into a horse.

and sleeps in it and comes back out. There's like just this blunt birth imagery. Like, oh, he's coming out of a birth. Oh, and he's looking up and there's plants blooming. Oh, and the sun's out. Like, just everything is just such junior literary quality combined with like, you know, the most amazing filming, you know, that you can imagine. Like it's, it feels like just this really beautiful adaptation of a terrible movie.

So is this going to be the funniest, is the funniest part of this movie going to be if Leonardo DiCaprio also does not win an Oscar after doing all this shit? Oh, he's not, he's not winning an Oscar. Now, at the end of this, the end of the movie, I'm not going to tell you what happens, those of you who might care about this garbage movie, but the end of it is Leo looking at the camera, as if to say, love me. Can I have my trophy now? Yeah, whereas, whereas Tom Hardy shows up as if, and he didn't read the screen. script. Like, that's actually true. Tom Hardy didn't read the script before he showed us.

Was there one? Believe it or not, it's nominated, by the way, for, like, screenplay, which I really hope. For, like, efficiency for, like, a three-hour movie out of, like, a three-page script. I hope the script is actually Leo written and be, like, Leonard, it'd be like, you know, Hugh Glass, colon, and then the line is like, I just picture more colones.

Just holding down colon. Coling, go, go, go, go. Make a noise like a colon. Like, I hope that's like, crawls. You cannot possibly overstate how much that noise is made in this movie. You mostly sound like Barney from the Simpsons. That's what I should put Bernie in this movie. That's the secret plot.

That's actually the secret to the Revenant. Don't cry for me. I'm already dead. When he says he's attacked by a. It actually means he just gets tragically drunk for three weeks. Like, he's in bad shape. He's cold as ice. And he's like, I'm hammered. Also, Barney would absolutely sleep.

I can't believe you left him out there. Well, we had to. We had to. He was a little unbearable. He got really loud. He was fucking plowed. And he was just talking about how he'd have sex with your wife. It was really, really uncalled for.

He was really fun to be around, but he was just way too loud. So we had to leave him out there. by that bear. Don't worry. The horse car gets kept it warm. Exactly. Like, there's a lot of things like, this goes with my Luke theory for Star Wars.

There's a lot of things that can explain by, this character got completely trashed. One thing I did like about this movie was how the natives, they actually had different tribes with different languages, and all the native characters had actual motivations. And they were sort of on a quest of their own. They weren't just like, they weren't just antagonists.

antagonist backdrop characters. That's the one nice thing I'll say about this movie. That and it's pretty. It's very pretty. I'll also say this. The other amusing thing is that Tom Hardy appears to have just shown up with no script and just started talking. I'm trying to place his accent because it's well done. And I'm trying to place which part of the south he's from.

He gives him like, if you can imagine the Grapes of Wrath accent from the original like 1930s movie, like that 30s version of Grapes of Wrath, that's the one he has. He has the, like, English person imagining, like, authentic frontier gibberish, right? Like, thank Parson Johnson for that bit of authentic frontier gibberish. That's exactly what Tom. Like, Tom Hardy just walks in and starts talking about shit. That's not even related to the movie. And it's not even an interrence Malick way.

It's in, like, an adult swim way. Like, my daddy thought God was a squirrel, so he killed him and ate him. That happens. That's not making that up. That's a quote. But his accent is really good. I mean, of course, he's a great actor. I'm going to start calling this movie Tim and Barrick.

Tim. It really is. Brian, you haven't even seen it. You've summed it up better than he did. That's perfect. Tim and Barracks. Because, like, there's so many scenes where it's like, oh, I'm looking off in the distance and there's more relatives singing to me about the spirits and stuff.

Tim and Barrett Grosome Show. Great job. Yeah, it's literally, it's Tim and Barak, awesome show. Great job. That's the entire movie. Ryan, do you have a question you want to ask? Yes, this question comes from Van Newell at Van Newell on Twitter. What is the worst thing a coach has ever eaten for dinner at a recruits home?

I think the answer here is going to be one of those recipes from like the 50s or 60s that you see on like a BuzzFeed list or something that is, you know, it's like a salad that involves one leaf of romaine lettuce, a banana. half a cup of mayonnaise and like cherries and olives. Okay. It's going to be some like extremely dated dish that has things that don't belong in it whatsoever, but this recruits mother or grandmother is like, oh, this is my famous Kill Yourself Salad. Jason? I feel like the key here is going to be regional disparity.

Like you take a coach who's from like, you know. Northern California, and he, through hard luck, is a Big Ten assistant, and, like, you know, he's being served, like, piles and piles of custard or something like that, or, like, you know, just, just really bloody beef. And this is just against everything he's ever been raised. Is this organic? Yeah, it's got carbon in it. There's still charcoal in the middle of it.

Or, like, you know, a coach from, like, Louisiana is in, like, like, to enjoy. like, I don't know, Minnesota or something and eating, you know, a blubber? I don't know. What are those people eat way up there? Curds. Yeah, the curds and brandy. That's it.

Curds and brandy. I'm just going to say this. I think the answer is Taco Bell. Somebody who just puts out a bunch of that. How would that happen? Such a bunch of crap. No, because maybe they're like, I don't know. So like a sunbelt coach is coming over.

Ah, just grab a 10 Taco Bar. And you come over That's how you know you're not getting their recruit It's when they got the goddamn 10 taco box This is a courtesy because you're friends with our high school coach Because I mean I like some trash-ass fast food Like Little Caesars, I'll eat Little Caesars all 10% Wow, really?

Oh yeah So what is the worst What is the worst fast food that y'all will enjoy? Is it Little Caesars for you? It's probably Little Caesars. Honestly, like if you order Little Caesars, I'm pretty happy with it. Hmm. See, for me, I'd go Pizza Hut, but I don't think Pizza Hut is as bad as Little Caesars, so I don't know if I'm really hitting the bar there. Little Caesars is worse.

It's worse. No, I'll tell you, it's worse, and I enjoy it. Yep. I'll also say Burger King? Burger King? Burger King is pretty low. Ooh, I despise Burger King. Burger King. Burger King always feels like an imitation of something, like a photocopy of a photocopy. How recently have you had Burger King? Oh, my God. Not about a year and a half ago. Oh, okay. I tried it a couple years ago

because I remember liking it at high school and they've totally ruined their fries. Did you get mad at your high school itself for even eating there? You're like, damn it, past me. What'd you do to future me by eating this? No, I was like, it's not my fault because they're the ones who change the fries.

That's true. Yeah, they botched their fries. Another thing, KFC, I will not eat it. It's bad. AFC's, no. I'll eat. I'll eat churches before I eat KFC. You know, it's worse than KFC.

It's beyond bad food. KFC is like morally wrong. You know what's worse than KFC though? Leftover KFC. Comprehensible. Like room temperature KFC. I don't even, I can't even hear you right now. What are these potatoes made of?

Just drywall, basically. KFC, because you kids out there might not believe this, but back in the 80s, KFC was pretty, all right. And now it's this non-food substance. They got fucking lapped by Popeyes. Oh, you know,

Popeyes is just several furlongs ahead of them. And pulling away. Yeah, I would say Popeyes is on. That's not a guilty pleasure at all. I think all of us are proud to enjoy Popeyes every chance we get. It will amuse me when somebody says, oh man, you know,

Popeyes is like my guilty pleasure. of what kind of points you think you're earning here, sir. You know where the first franchise, not the original, but the first franchised KFC was built him. Probably someplace terrible, am I right? Salt Lake City. Ooh, this is spicy. It's got salt in it. 11 herbs and spices, they're all salt.

All salt. Six kinds of salt. There's a little... There's a little garlic salt. Ooh, I throw one more in there. Subway. Like, if they come back with Subway, it's over. Yeah, yeah. It's bad.

Let's see. That was Jason's question. Was it not? No, it was mine, but it's fine. That was yours? Yeah. Okay. We got around the horn here?

Whatever. We're giving points. Tony Realli is on the line, but muted. No, he's not. Oh, shit. It's like we've pulled a mutiny on him. Also, uh, Sorry, Stu Mandel?

Yeah, we had ripped her mentions. Sorry about that. Yeah. Sorry, buddy. I don't even know why we did it. We're just bored. You told me to. That was not my first suggestion. That was your suggestion. No, that was not my first suggestion. No, no, no, no. But it happened.

Wait, so there's somebody else who mentions you wanted bombed? Yeah, Soledad O'Brien. Yeah, but I couldn't find Soledad's Twitter account. Oh, you're so lazy. So you typed S? I looked at it. I give a. up. I looked it up.

Go ahead. Look at Soledad O'Brien's Twitter account. Fine. Fine. Right? It's something really crazy like Soledad O'Brien. It's Soledadad O'Brien. You son of a bitch. You totally typed S and then accidentally hit the L and said, I forget it. It's Soledadad God damn O'Brien.

Yeah, but it's much funnier to hit Stu Mandel because like an hour later he's like, thanks, guys. Soledon O'Brien wouldn't have responded. Yeah, with Mandel, it's, he's close enough that he has to actually sort of make note that I'm not actually on her show. Yeah, I mean, do you know what kind of horror rolls up? She's a woman on the internet and TV. Do you know what kind of terror just comes to her doorstep on Twitter every day that she doesn't look? She wouldn't respond.

I just want her to be our friend. Exactly. Do you know what kind of terror rolls up on her doorstep every day? I think the way we can best be her friend is to leave her alone. Correct. But we're making more progress right now than we ever had. We're lepers. Do you know what an extra at the mentions of Stu Mandel is?

Oh, it's a holiday. Compared to old Soledad, it's... Compared to Soledad, it's like, oh, look, a new person. I'm going to get another gun. It's like, you know, it's like a SETI. Yeah, I'm going to, yeah, exactly. I'm going to buy another dog to guard me in my house from people because I'm a famous woman.

A dog made of guns. A dog man of guns. This is a good idea. Whereas Stu Mandel is like, well, look, another reader. Thanks, y'all. It's great. But yeah, that's

I believe we're, I do have one more question I want to answer if we have time. Go for it. I think so. Which movie TV show has the, this is from Probably Monty at Probably Monty on Twitter.

What movie TV show, etc. has the widest gap between your enjoyment and critical acclaim. Now, this can go either way. It can be a show that you really enjoy that doesn't get good reviews, or it can be a show that gets great reviews that you have no feeling or affection for whatsoever. So we're focusing on shows? You know, movie, TV show, et cetera.

I imagine an album, if you have an album or an artist that's critically acclaimed that you're like, I don't feel them, or someone who's like, they're trash and you're. you're like, actually, I think they're pretty good. Who would that be? I don't know where to begin because most critically claim things I don't really care for.

Okay, for instance. I mean, if we stuck with just shows, let's see, Madman, justified, Game of Thrones. I mean, honestly, I could go on. I don't care about many of these shows that everyone likes. And I've tried. And it's, you know, that they're, yeah.

Okay, so you do not feel, you do not feel, for instance, justified at all. No, and I'm told I didn't get far enough into it that it gets away from sort of the procedural, like the, oh, we're CSI with Hills thing and becomes more of an actual episodic story. Is this true? Definitely, definitely. There's an arc for every season. Okay. Because at first, it's just like, oh, he's going to solve the mystery. and smile with his hat on and like okay i don't need this okay it gets i saw the last episode like

just that and lost are the two where i watched the last episode and just considered the book finished okay because uh yeah because you're wrong about that but that's not your fault so we'll let you go on that i mean you know they the first season they didn't do a good job so Ryan? So I'm looking at IMDB of the most popular of the highest rated movies and I'm trying to find one

that I just fucking hated. How about anything directed by Inorritu? We've already done that. We've already... Oh, you know, you know what movie I just... I got some more shit to say about that, dude.

2001 just didn't do shit for me. Oh, no! Yeah, I'm sorry. Man, man, Hal is like... I know. I know. I just, I don't have. Hell is my, hell is my homeboy. I think it has good parts, but like, man, that's got a lot of parts. It should have been like a 37-minute movie. It does. It's really long.

If somebody's like, that movie's entirely too long and it has a weird ending, I'm like, you're totally right. Yeah, I just, yeah, I can't. I'm not down for it. I'm sorry. I agree. I agree. And I love that movie. But it's also a complete mess. I will give it that. Looking at Metacritic album releases All Time Highest. The first one that we get down to that I hate, Spencer, I know this is one for you as well, or at least just completely don't get it, is Bob Dylan. Oh, man, fuck Bob Dylan.

I don't even really recognize it as music. No, it's just kind of... People are like, oh, he has such great lyrics. Well, that's what reading's for. Yeah, so print them out, and... It's great. You can read them separately. I don't think they'll hold up as well.

The best Bob Dylan song is It Ain't Me as done by Johnny and June Carter Cash. Yeah, exactly, as done by somebody else. The song literally about not being Bob Dylan entitled It Ain't Me. Yeah, it's a great song. It's about, like, go listen to someone else.

That's what the best Bob Dylan song is. Like, I grew up reading Rolling Stone, and I hate it. And I hate to this day, because anytime that Neil Young or Bob Dylan would put out anything, They're like, four stars. Four stars is a starting point. It might be five. It's crazy.

You're like, this is a tape of Bob Dylan suffering food poisoning in a Las Vegas hotel in 1987. It contains no music and it's just Bob Dylan retching on the floor and farting and excreting things. You're like, oh, four stars. Moving. It's a graceful effort. Just a man fighting the elements. Four stars.

Fuck Bob Dylan. Absolutely sucks. Everyone loves Dylan. I've never gotten a single goddamn song of his. He has one album that's semi-decent. It's Nashville Skyline. That's because the obsession players are all better than he is. Yeah, otherwise on this list, there's some, I don't know most of this stuff.

There's some, like, indie rock stuff that I've heard that's terrible. Animal Collective is very bad. Oh, they're bad. They blow. I know. They sound like an anxiety attack. Yeah, all that kind of thing. I don't understand why anyone would pretend to like it. I'm not even going to accept that people actually like it.

I just don't get why people would pretend to like it. Yeah, it's bad. I will say this going back to television movies that, television that movies that people find really, really inspiring and great that really aren't that great, fight club. Never. Sorry. It's like the weakest idea of transgressive I've ever. watched. I think

liking that after high school yeah. If you're in high school like yeah sure that can inform your entire worldview but once you actually I don't know do do anything at all with your life you sort of have to leave that one behind.

Yeah I will also say that anybody who is really super into like a clockwork orange I love Kubrick something's wrong with you if you're really into a Clockwork Orange. I don't mean in a cool way.

I just mean that movie kind of sucks. It's long. It doesn't get to the point. It takes a little too long on those rape scenes. Linger's a little too fondly on them. So, yeah,

Clockwork Orange blows. That movie sucks. In addition to that, Lost sucks. Never got it. Watch the last episode, though. Last episode was great because I had no idea

what was going on. Yeah, and if you do that, if you watch only last episode lost, you're the least angry person. in the country and it makes a ton of sense too it makes as much sense for you as it did for everyone else

it was it was great going it was great going into that and coming like oh man this is this was awesome look he's dying next to that dog that's how I want to go

next to a big old friendly dog that'd be so great everyone else is like it's crap and you're like no this is delightful no it was pretty good this is great uh folk music just folk music and ink

to hell with all of it to hell with the entire genre you walk into it if you walk into my life with an acoustic guitar and sit down and want to tell me about the working man i'm kicking your god damn teeth in get out of my home okay yeah no use for any of it do we have any examples of the opposite direction about like critical trash that we're like no it's fine 2010 the sequel the 2001.

Oh my God. Love that movie. I'm sorry. Absolutely love that movie. I think that movie's awesome. That movie's better than the original. Holy shit.

I will go that far. It was a delight. You know, I only remember, because for some reason, we were talking about this in the office the other day, because we work hard. Waterworld is not as shitty as people as it was claimed to be

at the time. I'm not going to say it's like the most amazing movie, but it It's got jet skis and guns and Dennis Hopper just being mean. It's fine. I don't know why it was so critically reviled. I don't know why either. I think probably because it was just kind of a confusing concept.

Sure. I mean, it was kind of a confusing concept, but that doesn't mean it was bad. No, it was fine. I did not regret spending time watching it. I can't think of that with music. Music's a little harder. Yeah. When it comes to, like, figure out the, uh, the album, right?

Like, the album, because if there's something about people are like, that album's trash. Like, to be honest, uh, like, when somebody, like, when Nas came out with bad albums, I never thought the bad ones were as bad as they were supposed to be and the good ones were never as good. And people are like, nah, is spitting that truth. I'm like, yeah, I still didn't have a fact checker. Yeah, I can't really tell the difference. All the beats are pretty bad. They're all pretty much the same.

And, uh, and, uh, and Nas clearly. wrote all the choruses, which is kind of the whole problem with Nas. Exactly. Let's see. Other ones that are like, like, I just scan the IMDB bottom 100, and I don't think I've seen any of these. Well, yeah, because it's a lot of, like, directed DVD. Because I have excellent, excellent taste in film.

That's because a bad movie is really bad. It's, like, unwatchably bad. I'm going to throw one out that I know you're going to hate. I think Billy Dole is fine. here's the deal I do like it's it's it's it's akin to just eating a little Debbie snack where you're like

yeah I know this isn't very complicated or good for me and it could exist at any point in time and it has no tethering to anything meaningful and my life is not better or worse for having this individual little Debbie snack but that I don't think it's shit I think it's just fine it's it's wallpaper right

it's just you're like it's fine it's like um stale mini bar candy like it's fine it has its purpose but the problem is it's persistence billy joel if you turn on classic rock if you're just flipping around the radio and you don't have something to plug into the ox cord sure it's everywhere like and it's always this like my life is the most irritating song ever and I have to sing along with it. That's the pleasure and torture of Billy Joel as a musical presence, right? I can't think of who would be equivalent to that

in like this current day and age. Maybe Maroon 5. Maroon 5, I always know the lyrics to Maroon 5. We've discussed this before. The exact genre of this music is music that you can be writing in the car with your mother and you both agree that this is fine. This is like the Venn diagram where you're both cool.

So people thought I Am Legend was really bad? Oh, I Am Legend was fine. Apparently they thought it was really bad. I thought it was pretty good. I would give it better than okay. Did you like I Am Legend better or the Revenant better? I like everything better than the Revenant. See, I kind of like the Revenant, but not for the right reason.

Would you have liked the Revenant? better if Billy Joel had been playing the starring role? Yes. I'm going to come out. It was supposed to be the biggest bomb of the 1980s. I love Howard the Duck. That's kind of had like a cultural research and so, right? I know. I think people got it

wrong. It's just a crap movie. But it's a crap movie like a bad hamburger you eat at one in the morning. It's fine. Right? I will also say this. I don't think Batman and Robin is an unpleasant experience. I think it's pretty bad. It's pretty bad, but it's not totally unpleasant. The problem is Batman and Robin has gotten a lot of, I think what a lot of that was

was people realizing that Batman Forever was terrible, and they sort of, it was a delayed reaction. So all of their anger that they wanted to put on to Batman Forever but didn't get around to in time, that got dumped on Clooney. Which one was Batman, oh, Batman Robin was the really, really silly one. Yeah, with Mr. Freeze. They just said, let's not try to be cool or tough at all. Let's just have puns. Damn it.

Yeah, let's make it like an expensive version of the 50s show. It's the Mike Prada of Batman movies. I will say this, glitter. Glitter ain't bad. I mean, it's a bad movie, but I'll watch it. It's got to be better than Crossroads. I mean, it's got to be better than Cars, too. Cars, too, was shit.

Pixar just rolled that out there, like you can torture a car to death on screen in a kids movie. Like that's a thing you can do That happened Oh yeah There's a torture scene In cars too Where they blow up a car They like blow up a car's engine

Like his heart That's why you can't let Dick Cheney do punch up I'm sorry I mean enhanced entertainment Yeah