Shutdown Fullcast - Shutdown Fullcast 4.2.0

Episode Date: January 27, 2016

The Super Bowl edition of the Shutdown Fullcast covers all the necessary topics for the college fan interested in paying attention to the Super Bowl, but taking only the most disdainful and irrelevant angles on all the action. We're here for you with these important takes and more: --The Cam Newton Economy, or how everyone owes Cam Newton a share of the immense amount of money Cam Newton has made for everyone. This is a serious statement: Cam Newton is his own economy and has made so, so many people money. --A pitch for "Taken" starring Charlie Weis --A diversion into how bad Phil Simms is as a broadcaster that somehow ends up being a discussion of what a complete trainwreck of a broadcaster Mack Brown can be --Praise for Jim Nantz? Yes, praise for the King of Khaki --The best fights we've seen at football games in person, including the best real-life Rocky 2 fight ever --The sports announcing teams we want calling our love lives --You want discussions of Wario's family history? Of course you do, so we give them to you. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown fullcast and oh man this is this is that special time of year it's time for the big game the big game come on down to Best Buy and buy a large television you can invite all your manly friends all your dude friends together you could take off your

pants into your taint cavern into the taint with your your billiards beer billiards beer We're getting into, like, the cut portions of the Harry Potter books. And your, and your, and your, and your, and your, and your, your, your, your, your, your, your, your, your, your, your, your, professor of the fart arts. Where you play fantasy pizza. You're a dude, Harry.

Did you know estrogen's flammable? Only in the taint room. Just explodes. Direct contact with the air of the taint room. It's like a vampire walking into a church. It happens whenever, whenever, whenever a lanker. lady walks into my football watching office. Lost a niece that

way. She should have listened. Unless she's delivering my HGH. That's different. That's so, that's so different. I've learned so much from you, Peyton. Hey, he's in the Super Bowl. Oh, we said it. Can't say that. Oh, shit. Kanye's got a new album title. Yeah, Super Bowl.

No, no, he just tweeted a new album title. Waves. Waves? Swish is dead. Long live, waves. It's going to be Super Bowl by tomorrow. It's going to change it three times tonight. He's going to call it Super Bowl just because the NFL will sue him. Yeah.

Sue me for what? I made art. You didn't. And in true Twitter fashion, three of the first six responses are Daddy. Dad. Dad. Daddy. My wife left me.

Daddy. Dad. Dad. How far down is mine? I mean, it's going to be. He tweeted it one minute ago. I'm probably like 1,000th. yeah i'm not gonna look you weren't you didn't you didn't make the the finish line i spent too much time

talking yeah yeah you didn't type daddy you should just have daddy at conya all at all times ready to go i can't remember you do it with a macro like them kids playing warcraft yeah just instantly yeah i can't remember who this was but i think it was a it was like two years ago every like major politician every time above like i think the house of representatives level anytime they tweeted something this person had a bot that just instantly

flew under it and first comment right like first comment on any post for like a senator was fuck me in the ass which is great

because like Chuck Grassley would like you know tweet out some incomprehensible garbage you know this spell like this circle

K didn't have any corn what that would be the and then like like then like You got to read to the reply to see something that actually makes sense. That was the comment under every single one of them.

I missed that. Come back 2013, Twitter. Yeah. These days, you've got to actually work to put obscene things under each. I think that's what the bad thing is. It's blocking out all the bots that do that stuff. Well, that's just easy to type. The letters are all real close to each other.

Speaking of blocking and tackling. Oh, my God. Time for the big game. Time for the big game. No, Ryan, we decided about, what, four minutes ago, we were doing a Super Bowl episode. Yeah. Basically reiterating this, that I really enjoy the two weeks of conjecture leading up to this game and the multiple rhetorical pig styles that everyone's just going to wallow in and fall into over the next week or so.

But we don't really care. We don't care who's successful in this game. I'd like Cam to win it I mean that'd be cool yeah I guess I'd like Peyton to win it too though I'm rooting for Carolina because then it's a vindication of Mike Shula and how Bama

Bama just didn't know how to use his talents yeah this is again my favorite thing about the NFL that Cam Newton star of stars and I mean I think people give him credit they'll be like wow yeah he jumped five yards into the end zone head first for a touchdown

But Mike Shula will still catch, like, dollars off this. Oh, yeah. Mike Shula. The architect of the NFL's best offense. Just give credit to Mike Shula as Cam Newton rolls 10 yards to his left. Just, I think we need to give Mike Shula a bigger, a bigger stage, more responsibilities. Let's give this guy a shot. Has he ever had a head coaching job before?

I don't know. No one could possibly know. Are you saying Auburn? Because. You know, that might be open. Well, because you could say, hey, hey, you know, it turned out Gene Chiswick wasn't the man behind Cam Newton that we thought he was. It turned out Gus wasn't either. You know who is?

Mike Shula. Mike Shula was whispering all along. Ron Rivera. Across time. Yeah, I think it's just time to go ahead and put a wood. Like Matthew McConaughey behind the bookshel. Interstellar 2. Starring Mike Shula.

But I don't think this goes back to, there are a lot of things I don't understand about this game. I don't understand two weeks between the championship and the game itself. That's for ex-pos. We need all these ex-pos. You need enough time for, like, Thomas Davis's broken arm to not heal.

Like, it's not going to heal. He's still going to play with his broken fucking arm. Even Wolverine is, like, Yeah, buddy, I think you need to give a little more time. What is wrong with these Americans? I don't know what the thing, like, the deal with the cast, like, how big a cast would you have to have before a referee was like, I don't know.

I feel like every 1970s highlight, there's a dude with, like, goddamn polar bear arms. That's true. There's a guy in a full body cast who they just throw, like two linemen, just pick him up and throw him at the quarterback, like a torpedo. He's impossible to block. He's amazing. We call him Colossus But yeah

He's not going to heal He'll like yeah he'll play He's a football player Yeah he's a football player There's no question about that I mean he has a senior on the back of his jersey You don't see that in any other sport That's true

Like I would believe it if you said NFL player named his son after himself Just to put senior on his jersey Just to be scarier I didn't By the way, where did he attend college? The University of Georgia. Yes, that's great.

That's damn Georgia to be like, no, I'm named my kid that, so I could be called Senior. Call me Daddy. He's Chip. We call him Chip. He's Chip and then Skip and the Trip. There's Champ and his brother, boss. Then Quadro. This child has four blades.

This next one's going five blades. That's actually what you call your children in Louisiana, though. Because you give them that many blades. Yeah, he's carrying five knives, so we call him Cinco. That's Cinco Rubber Show. It's our favorite guy. And he's sitting out the first quarter of the UAB game. He is for stabbing a man.

Thanks, Les Miles. By the way, oh, hey, I know we're not talking about recruiting. We'll come back to the Super Bowl and Phil Sims. Oh, I would love to talk about Phil Sims for like at least four minutes. I want to just note this. Earlier this week, Jason Kirk made my favorite tweet, which was hashtag Fireless Miles with a link to an article about how LSU has the nation's number one recruiting class. Yeah, LSU was, they were in range for number one, Ohio State jumped ahead.

Then LSU added a five-star defensive tackle who, when Bud Elliott interviewed him last summer, the first thing you wanted to know was, can I keep eating? which that's the first sign this is a five star this is a defensive tackle who is ready to play for LSU if he'd been sitting at like four stars before that and all the guys are watching him and he goes hey can I keep eating during this interview

you think they're all like I don't know five they call that the biscuit bump yeah but yeah the LSU added this kid and it's just every every step of this off season has been y'all really wanted to fire less miles huh

we just got to keep rubbing these folks' noses in it. Yep. You know what that also means next year for LSU? They're going to lose four games. That means Jimbo's cupboard is set. This is my segue

back to the Super Bowl. Because I mentioned Jimbo. Jimbo. I believe half these rosters were under his tutelage at some point. Everyone on the second string. So many people. All the players who get paid.

but don't expend any calories. So many quarterbacks who have been cut. They really just loaned the knowledge and the wisdom and the practice time. You know, that second squad is super important because they simulate who you're going to be playing. I'd kind of believe it if you said like all the Broncos receivers except for Demarius Thomas were like former FSU quarterbacks because like I didn't really see those dudes. You see the tight end. See DeMarius.

That's about it. E.J. Manuel's getting $8 million to be Carolina's equipment. manager. I'd believe that. I would believe that. I'd also believe that he would get a bump from Cam Newton's excellence. That's it. All Cam is doing. Like, this is Cam, by the way, this is like, this is what he's doing since college, getting other people paid. I'd get other people. Like, you know, Cecil was right when he's like, such as his father. Yeah. Like Cecil was right. When he's like, this time it's not going to be for free. Cecil was like, all Cam does is make other people money. We need to see some of that. I do hope that Cam Newton takes his playoff bonus.

which he'll get, you know, it'll just vary depending on if they win the Super Bowl or not. And I hope he buys like 100 laptops for the University of Florida, just in a dick move. It'll be about 180,000, won't it? It's a little

over 100,000, I think. If it wins the Super Bowl, it might be about 180K. Take that next big contract, make a sizable donation to computer sciences. That's how you get the Cam Newton's School of Computer Engineering and Science. and church

and church yeah it would be a chapel in there we need a chapel that's my favorite thing too would be this that cam in order to simultaneously enrage and yet confuse

people who don't like him he'll take that giant contract and he'll do this right or I'll take a Super Bowl bonus it'll be like if I got $180,000 I'm going to give $100,000 to this

extremely awesome children's charity for the underprivile show off the other 80,000 is like I'm going to to buy a really ugly sweater. Or, yeah, or he's going to give it to juvenile. He's just going to give it to

like a fucking scholarship. I'm going to wear a grant. If you give them this, it's like a MacArthur grant. Just to further your research. You've done so much for us, juvenile. Here's $80,000. The leftover, I'm wearing a taxidermine manatee on my back at press conferences. If you're so rich, you could be juvenile sponsor.

And loafers. He'd wear some kind of like spangly loafers without socks. I'd like to commission some, a juvenile 16. This is a home for former cash money billionaires. Wayward. Wayward hot boys.

Soke the shocker. Wandering in. No, no, no, you're a no limit guy. Please. Okay, fine. Cam will buy you all the house too. Please. See, murder's going to find me.

Yeah, it's like all the rappers Cam listened to and he was like, I don't know, five. Five. Yeah. five or six this is the other thing about Cam that I find

that I do enjoy watching one besides that he's brilliant two that he's made everyone in college and the pros money like everyone who's like Ron Rivera Can you think of anyone Ron Rivera was on a scalding hot seat Ron Rivera

It was like three years ago everyone was shocked that Ron Rivera wasn't fired Yeah he called he made like He made some of the most cowardly fourth down decisions I have ever seen and then immediately flipped and became Riverboat Ron. Ron, analytical Ron, he prefers to be called. An analytical Ron.

You know how much more money he got Gene Chiswick after winning a national title? How much? A cool $1 million extra a year over the course of five years. Which Auburn had to pay out after he was fired. And look at Gus Malzahn. Gus Malzahn wouldn't have gotten that. contract without camp right because he goes to arkansas state bounces back a year later so gus gus owes cam money like a substantial chunk of money if you've looked at what they've done recently

from just just guessing who else like cam yeah i don't know uh let's see let's see how about i feel confident that mississippi state got additional donations from people who were furious that they didn't this ain't going to happen again what about how long would he have been at florida if he'd stuck around through 2010 that would have been so Urban would have had him yep let's say it around about way you got Charlie Weiss money because Florida needed

Florida had fallen so far on offense that decided we've got to pay Charlie Weiss I was going to say his departure put us in the hole so badly that we needed something that big to fill it talk about a laptop the belly on his on his lap remember bad jokes

about Charlie Weiss are acceptable because he's filthy, stinking, rich, and stole money. He has your money. He has your money, and he's not giving it back. Shout out to Charlie Weiss. It's the shortest version of Taken. I have your money. I have a particular skill.

A particular set of bills, and you're paying them. I have a particular debt of skills. And again, now he's just making Ron Rivera and Mike Shulah, Look, because Mike Shulah will get a job that he's here, Richard. Ken Dorsey's getting paid. That'd be a quarterback coach Ken Dorsey. What the fuck is Ken Dorsey teaching Cam Newton?

Mm, not a damn thing. He's just chilling with him. That's all the quarterback's coach does when he's like, because Ken Dorsey's like, how old? Ken Dorsey is 34. Okay. All he and Cam do is chill. That's it. They just talk about. He's just making sure he eats relatively healthy snacks.

Yeah, third quarter, he's like, no, no, no, here we go. We've got a banana with some almond butter. Just take that. Here, I know you want ice cream. What about sorbet? Yeah. Thank you. That'll be $400,000 a year.

Meet me halfway. And he's going to get a Super Bowl bonus. Good for you, Kandorsi. This is my second favorite thing about Kandorsi now. My first favorite thing being him described as Clinton Porter as as breaking down the girls' soccer team when he was at U.S. That was Clinton Portis's phrasing, not mine. Yeah, Ken, break it down the girls' soccer team.

But, yeah, who cares? The big game. The big game. This is going to be called by Phil Sims, which I will say this. There are announcers in college football, who I do not, do not necessarily enjoy all that much. There's none that I really hate. I mean, do you have anybody that you absolutely like, you're like, okay. this is foreboughton.

I really wish you didn't have to listen to this. Mac Brown and Mike Patrick are the only two that negatively impact my experience? Hmm. Mac Brown, because you just know all the whininess he's going to utter in favor of everyone. And Mike Patrick, because he just talks so fucking much. Yeah, and nonsensically too. Like, I know everyone says, oh, it was just the Britney thing. Nope, listen to him talk.

Generally, you kind of wonder if he knows where he is. Mac Brown's the one who I almost enjoy now because he is kind of, because he's just going to be completely rosy and jude about everything a coach does. It's like listening to an elderly relative lie about his war service. You're like, you know what? At first this offended me, but now it's kind of funny. Or like listening to a pastor completely talked through his teeth at people he does not like right like you know mrs wilkins is just she's um she's just uh she's a really interesting

lady you're like just just say you hate her just say just say you hate her hair you hate her hair it's fine you can hate her hair that's your your your job is to provide commentary not to just sit there and like legitimate someone's uh incompetence that's what i feel like he's like well you know it's fourth and two and and they're on the three yard line and they're down by eight but i think this field goal puts them in a good spot with three seconds left. No, it doesn't. Of course, my wife used to bring the rhubarb pie to the annual potluck, but now

Mrs. Harris has decided that she's going to bring the rhubarb pie to the annual potluck, and I've got to say, a lot of these folks out here are a little, a little, a little, disappointed that my wife is no longer bringing the rhubarb pie. Yeah, that's, yeah, and by the game's already over.

I've heard from others, I've heard from others that the rhubarb pie is tasteless and awful. Play's already happened. Stuff's going on. They've already shuttled back to the studio. Everyone's decided, you know, actually the new rhubarb pie is so much better. Well, that's because the foundation was laid. But someone else did that.

So, Mac Brown has something in common with Phil Sims, though, which is that Mac Brown can't say anything bad about another coach's decision. Like, he's just decided that honor among thieves compels him to not criticize a coaching decision. And Phil Sims, for the life of me, cannot say anything bad. bad about a quarterback. Yeah. Like, he just can't.

He's like, well, you know, what you see as a horrible overthrow, I see as him testing the limits of his arm in a game situation. And that's just smart preparation. Jim? Jim? Because this is it. You know what Jim? I have immense respect for Jim Nance. The only underthrown ball is the ball you don't throw.

Because it's still in your hand, Jim. Watch, because Jim Nance is basically, like, I'm pretty sure his value system is just a direct, like, inversion of mine. Like, everything that he, like, the man can wear a sweater. Yep. When it's 70 degrees. The man, the man does his hair every day, which I know you do not. Do? What is, how does one's hair get done?

Yeah. Y'all go check out Spencer's Instagram for some real good hair. He has some fantastic hair. shots on there. Nance has never had, if he's had facial hair, it was a well cut mustache and nothing more elaborate than that. He loves

golf. He really, really, really enjoys a variety of Caucasian that I just, I can't do without getting hibes, right? That's everything Jim Nance does. Even the way he calls a game is so

anodyne that you barely notice he's there. I will say this. He's great at his job. because you need to listen to him, drag Phil Sims sluggardly ass through a broadcast. Just listen to him. He actually has to, like, wake Phil up. He actually has to say, well, Phil, what would you think of that situation?

And, like, Phil at times would say things like, well, the, oh, that? Yeah, in the game that we're watching, that we're calling. Like, compare him to Gary Danielson. Gary Danielson, again, someone who, like, I occasionally listen to and want you class, okay? Gary Danielson is on it for what is immediately happening on the field. Diagnoses things quickly, points it out, explains it in a way that doesn't dumb it down, but at the same time it's like completely encompasses everything you need to know about what happened on the play and why.

He's real great with that. Gary Danielson is our Chris Collinsworth. He's going to tell you what's happening right before it happens, and then as soon as he's done, shh, shh, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Don't keep talking, don't, don't, no opinions, please. You've done an incredible job of telling me what's going to happen and why it happened. Now, now that, stop.

Yeah. Who's our Phil Sims then? I guess Matt Brown coaches wise, but as far as. I don't think we have anyone as bad as Phil Sims. I don't. Not as universally reviled and simultaneously. has, like, the plum position in his field. Yeah, because the people we get our biggest games, we really like them.

Right. Like, Kirk Herb Street is our, I guess, on the level of Aikman and Sims in our sport, and everybody likes Herb Street. Yeah, no, you know, like, on the air, on the air, like. Everybody likes Herb Street's work. I'm sure he has, has bitter enemies. It's, he's, yeah, in the Columbus area, mostly for, for occasionally. saying something critical about Ohio State

and then getting brought out of the town. Swearing blood oath to Michigan. He's got Michigan sources. He's a plant. No. But, like, Phil Sims, you have to be one of three things. Like, we were trying to figure this out.

And I try to be fair. You know, because you want to get it right. You want to be like, well, I think this person is terrible. But I'd like to have a legitimate, like, opinion on his terribleness, right? I'd at least like to have some data. The three things you have to be, in order to call a football game, as a caller commentators, you have to be knowledgeable and able to convey that knowledge, right, in a way that the viewer can understand.

You have to be likable, right, and you have to be awake. And Phil Sims just, he doesn't do any of the three of those. He doesn't even have a voice that's, like, distinctive. Oftentimes, I don't know if you've ever watched really old college football stuff, but, like, if you watch, like, Bud Wilkinson, the Oklahoma coach, Like, they had great voices. Phil Sims just kind of sounds like, like, I don't God, there's got to be a better way to put it than I'm going to put it. I mean, well, it's pencil tuckie is what it is.

It's sort of that vague accent that belongs nowhere. Yeah, like a nowhereville kind of accent, like a tour bus through a not particularly interesting tourist exhibit kind of blank. It's sort of like a Frenchman half-acidly doing an American cowboy accent. Yeah, it sounds like a British person trying to do like their most, their broadest, most boring American. Yeah. I'm playing a cop. I think it sort of feels like a person who's apologizing for the thing he's complaining about. Jim, I know I know I'm being a little particular about this, but it just.

I'm sorry to bother you, but our tables are on fire. I'm sorry to bother you, but heck, it just, I, oh, I've just had a rough day, Jim. I just really didn't expect the table to be on fire at this Olive Garden. He's not even accurate. He's not, like, not at all. And if you want something amazing, go back and watch the Super Bowl. You can find this on YouTube when the lights go out in New Orleans. Does he notice?

Oh, it takes a minute. It's like turning, it's like putting a parrot in the garage in its cage, turning the lights off, you know? What does he think the world's in it? Think the game's over? Well, Jim, I think it's time. Immediately go to sleep. It's time for a story and then straight to bed.

Oh, it's not. Papa turned out the lights, Jim. Good night, Moon. It's really close to that. The lights come back on and he's wearing pajamas. There's Binky. Nancy's got them all set up with it because he's a pro. Yeah, Jim knows.

he had, Jim's got it ready just in case the lights go out and just keep trucking. Like, if you got problems with Jim Nance and in a former life I did, watch and work with Phil Sims and realize he earns every dollar.

Like, the people who hate Jim Nance, I don't know. You just have real strong opinions. I have, yeah, like I have an ironic love for him at this point, especially when someone starts, I don't know, tweeting me pictures of him holding a wine class. like sitting there's one shot of him sitting comfortably in a chair reading yeah it looks

straight out of a landsend catalog from 1993 and like it's it's so bland that he's killing it you know what you're like damn jim lean into the bland it's it's very i mean it's not that far off from he's cleaned up fraser crane yeah he's close he's more like fraser plane That salad wouldn't be tossed. This piled salad that I didn't do it. Piled salad and eggs have a lessoral. Yeah, egg beaters. Salad was dropped.

Salad was dropped and egg beaters for lunch. It's healthy as hell. Heck. Hello, my friends. Yeah. Good night. I think that's all we really want to talk about the Super Bowl. The big game.

Oh, the big game. The big game. I love it. I hope Cam dances a lot. Yeah, I hope Cam dances. I will say this. I want Panthers fans to understand that if Carolina wins the Super Bowl, I think generally people are going to be happy, people who aren't Broncos fans, and people who like

fun things are going to be happy for them. But within, you get like a month of that, and then we're immediately going to be sick of shit. because they can't everything cam does next year it has nothing to do with you know teaching your kids right from wrong or any of that bullshit it's just like yeah we're not going to like it anymore it's just how it works there was a time when tom brady was the scrappy underdog who upset the greatest show on turf and now we're all just sick of his shit we don't care anymore it just happens yeah we know too much about tom brady you're like he doesn't eat tomatoes you're like what's wrong with you you're not very smart he's best Friends with Donald fucking Trump. He called Jamie Diamond to be like, hey, hang in there, buddy. Hang in there. Hang in there, billionaire banker.

You're going to make it through this. Don't worry. That bonus still comes through. It doesn't actually matter. Your job's made up. You get the money whether you do this or not. That's true of Tom Brady, too, though. It is.

No, the money's totally made up until Billichick cuts him. Any day now. Oh, by the way, Belichick's waiting for that. You know he's like, oh, the most delicious cut of all when I cut Brady. So can we say one last thing about the big game before we move on? Yeah. We are prepared for this because we have watched multiple games at Levi's Stadium. And we are aware that it has a serious traffic problem, both cars and actually just getting people in.

It feels like there's a substantial likelihood that the National Anthem will start. at the Super Bowl, and there's going to be, like, 20% of the crowd in their seats. So you're saying this is the Super Bowl, the Falcons really belong to. Yeah. We really missed our window here. I mean, you're the only one who beat the Panthers, so in a sense, you're already there. Oh, that's true. I keep forgetting that.

I'm glad you brought that up. This is part of my theory that Arthur Blank is the devil. Okay. Yeah, because, one, he's building the hell mouth of a stadium, a red and black hell mouth of a stadium. that he knocked down a church to build. Yeah, he paid him off. That's true. That's true.

He gave a church money. What's more black metal than knocking down church? Let's see. He is really super wealthy. If you've seen him, he's got great suits. And he has that like, hey there, buddy kind of smiled. Like, hey, you could see it. It's there.

Even the name Arthur Blank feels like it should be in some sort of very thin. disguised allegory. Yep. You can rearrange the letters in Home Depot to I am Satan. Don't look that up. It's true. I mean, Homer does look like he might be a devil. He's bringing a soccer team to Atlanta

whose name is the Firebirds. People will tell you it's Atlanta United. Don't believe them. I want to know, just think about this. How many unnecessary home death scenario started with a trip to Home Depot? How many home injuries started?

with a trip to Home Depot. Mm-hmm. Just saying. Arthur Blanks the devil. And he sold the Panthers a contract. They get to the Super Bowl, and Cam Newton would be like the MVP and super awesome.

They had to lose to the Falcons. Had to lose the Falcons. That was the pain. The greatest indignity of all. The greatest indignity of all. I do. And in return, in return, Cam got custody of future and Gizi.

Yeah. See, it's all part of a plan. Juvenile was just a late throw-in. And the beneficiary of all of this? Mercury Morris. The real Satan. The morning star himself. You want to do some reader questions?

We got some good ones. Well, throw one out there. Actually, I'm going to throw Jason's out there first. This one comes to us from Justin Killo. Killer. I'll say Killa. That sounds better. Sorry if you don't like that last name.

On Twitter, what's the best fight you've ever seen at a game? And this, I think the rule here is a game you attended. And I'm going to go with the best fight I've seen in the stands. It was at a Peach Bowl, I believe, Virginia Tech, Tennessee. I was in the upper deck on the Tennessee side where a lone Virginia Tech fan was sitting in about the third row of the upper deck. totally surrounded being heckled

the entire time there were a bunch of frat dudes behind him like super doughy marshmallowy looking frat oafs

and this Virginia tech fan really looked like he was ex-military he was about five six like nothing

but wiry muscle and the whole time you know they're egging him on he'll turn around and say something and they're like

oh he better be glad I didn't just fight him because I to wasted him and you know anyone anyone around with any sobriety going on says no no you have hired a hundred pounds on him you're about three decades younger do don't do this don't do this eventually eventually it comes to a point where one of them starts kicking him and he lunges

like up over not just the row he's sitting in but also the row behind him gets a hand on the throat of one of these doughboys and with such ferocity and intensity that the entire frat row just stands down they weren't even like they weren't even like

oh it's on now kill the leader and the others would give up this maniac just whirled around and lunged a good five six feet and went straight for throat

shut it down sat back down and believe his team won yeah his team won so Latrell Spreewell knows that's the power move Find the boss and grab his throat

This is like watching a bunch of buffalo When the wolves take one down The rest of the buffalo just run past it Like gotta go That's a pity That's a you problem Yeah And now it's Tuesday

That was Monday Now we're Tuesday Goodbye Monday On to the next week We're just like A Bella check Yeah you've been cut Sorry buddy

We're on to Oakland. I think the best fight I've seen was Florida, Tennessee. I think this was 1999, I want to say. It was in Knoxville, so I'd have to go back and do the math. But it was in Knoxville, and there were a couple of stereotypes on either side. The Florida fan was probably from either Tampa or New York. They're the same, really. Mm-hmm.

Or maybe Miami. Hey, was this me? No, no, it was not you. And you'll see why soon. And then the Tennessee fan was, you know, hunting gear, you know, kind of a scraggly five-day, six-day beard, stank drunk with just a stank drunk dude. And the Florida guys were, I believe, yeah, wearing torts, but with, you know, extremely white shoes, like extremely white tennis shoes and socks. and they were moving over and the Tennessee fan

somewhere out like in the big fish bowl like swimming world he was existing in being completely drunk saw these two Florida fans I was walking by and goes hey Tennessee fans

got bigger dicks and Florida fans and you'll know that it was not you Ryan because it took these Florida fans more than a beat to come back with something okay like it was obvious like I'm watching it I'm like, how quick are they going to be with a comeback, right? And, you know, it took a minute.

You could hear the gears kind of like, like starting up a boat you haven't touched all winter. But I had faith because if we're anything as a fan base, we are smart asses. And this was vindicated because you turn around and goes, well, hey, pull it out of your brother's ass so we can see it. It was a three, it was a deep three for the buzzer. And it was immediately, like, got it out. It was like, so we can see it. Like, the fist was on the way in.

Like, oh, boy, swung on it. And the best part was the other dude just started that instinctive windmilling punching in no general direction in his defense, right? Like, ah, fists. Just, it was the, it was nobody got knocked out. It was just the biggest series of, like, Like, blind, pointless haymakers I have ever seen. It was great. It was phenomenal.

There's people pulling them apart. And you know, those people on the fringe of a fight who get really emotional about the fight? Like, stop it! Stop it! It was one of those fights where all of a sudden it's Rocky 2. Just everyone's punching. Constant 20 minutes of oily punching, right? Like, there's somebody actually oiling up the participants, right?

It's the end of blazing saddles. You're talking about the, like, the fight observed. slash semi-participant, like the one who is kind of encouraging and maybe doing a little breaking up, but the one who's like so into the fight that afterwards he's like hugging belligerents from the other side.

Like, oh, we just made it through that together. Good game. Or the woman, there was the woman on the fringe of the fight who's going like, this is insane! And like making it so much worse by screaming. So that was the greatest fight. That was the greatest fight I've ever seen at the game. And my official judgment, I think we all won.

I think we won just for hearing about it. So that's two Tennessee fans so far. Yes, this is a pattern. I don't have any good stories because most of the Florida games I went to, the people who were in fighting moods were so drunk and it was so hot that they puked before they could get there. So lost a fight with alcohol, you're saying? I lost the fight with alcohol a lot.

Man. It's a damn good fighter. Undefeated. It's not even a dirty fighter, too. It tells you exactly what's coming. Going to hit you in the face, son. What I'm going to do is I'm going to double you over. And then you're going to go to sleep.

Everclear is going to put you out. No, you won't Everclear, bring it. No, you won't have to trade it. It says, see you tomorrow around lunchtime. I already beat Parrott Bay. Oh, son, this is not like Mike Tyson's punchout. It's not. how this works. The difficulty doesn't

scale like that. It ramps up quickly. It's more like one of them Japanese shoot-em-ups. The Japanese side-scrolling things are in a spaceship and there's so much lights and stuff that you'd need like 90- It's like Contra without the Konami code.

No, I think drinking's more like Dark Souls because you're like, oh, hey, I can't see what's going on. Oh, hey, look, giant foot just crushed me out of nowhere. Shit. Could fallout four is bad enough for me. Look at that. Let's go down this road oh there's a mosquito it killed me yeah a giant mosquito cool didn't know that could happen oh cool i'll just go outside in georgia for that oh my question is this i had two and i kind of

wanted to do this one because i think we've sort of answered it before but i wanted to get to it uh michael hall at buckeye sales if you need to buy a buckeye michael hall's evidently the person to talk to which college football announcing team which you want calling you and your significant other shenanigans in the bedroom okay First of all, I've never committed a shenanigan in a better. That's the part I'm laughing. I mean, shenanigans, just calling it shenanigans immediately suggests that Keith Jackson's involved. Oh.

Oh, we got some shenanigans. Oh, my. You don't, he'd underplay the big moment, too. You take your shirt off. Oh, belly. I'm telling you, he'd do the Vince Young call. He's got it. Oklahoma.

It'd be the random words that would make it really rich and delicious. It'd be fantastic. I guess maybe he comes up with state names for body parts. I don't know. Nebraska. Somewhere around the 15-yard line, but driving. But driving. Uh, yeah, mischief and prankishness, which, uh, or deceit or trickery.

I would, it's never happened. I wouldn't refer to it as that, but it's all very straightforward. It's all very straightforward. This offense is simple. It goes fast. It's not a lot of, there's not a lot of, there's not a lot of read to this option. It's, it's basically Baylor's offense against UNC. Yeah.

It's, it's going fast, but you know what's way it's going. It's really, it's really more Baylor's offense against Texas. Yeah, because there's, also a little bit of, is this right? Normally, it doesn't work like this. Let's put it this way. We don't scheme to talent. We just get out there and we do what we do.

We just do what we do. We don't spend a whole lot of time worrying about the opponent and what they're doing. We just do it. Just refer to the team. The opponent. That's what it's all about. What happened last week's not important. Hey, listen, we're banged up.

We're not going to make excuses about that. When one of us is hurt, the other's got to step up. I'm telling you, we just have to get up for this game. It must like Baylor, we kept the schedule unchallenging. Hey, they say we don't have anything to play for. I say we still do. All our goals are still in front of us. Trust me, in college football, every game is a battle.

Yeah. You know, a history of disappointment with a few high points, Baylor football. And a confused relationship with religion. Yeah. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. That would be, if I had to get a college, man, I'd, I'd want Mac Brown because he'd say nothing to support of things about me. That's true. That's true. I think he's a good one for, like, a real good job out there. You know, falling asleep's an interesting choice there that I don't think she saw coming. You know, she doesn't seem real impressed by what he's doing right now. And I see her phone is ringing, and she could answer it and go on head on and meet up with somebody else.

But anytime you do that, you're not with the person you're with right now. Ladies forget to think about that. Everything finishes if you think about it. You know what? We need to thank his college girlfriend for coaching him up and getting him to this point. let's you know you could just don't forget the people who got you here along the way i remember in high school we recruited him as a power bottom oh yeah that that or i that or i want gus johnson because man even the smallest thing

will be really way too exciting he's got the bra like you're you're you're banking on having having doing at least one thing right yeah at least one thing right also brown is like everything's going to be fine, but Gus is like some things you're going to be hit or miss, but that one moment that everyone's going to remember, everyone. Even with Gus, all you have to do is try to do something right. I will say this, Brent Musburger,

it could be fun and the prop bets to be entertaining, but if he uses the phrase that he's fond of, which is he snaps it off. Snaps it off? Yes, something's gone. Whoa. I'm going to throw out, let's see, let's see, Chris Spielman,

just for entertainment. So disappointed. Because he's going to hate it. it. You just wonder what he's thinking. Literally, the event he's calling is scoring. The man despises anything but defense. Just gave up there.

You can't do that. I'm just watching nothing but scoring, literally. You've got to make him earn it. A constant eight minutes of scoring. Oh, it'd destroy him. He'd hate it. You look at the way he's lined up. This should be easy to stop.

Oh, good. It took a turn. Ryan. Yeah. You're going to love this one. This is from John at Newsy 642 on Twitter. Is Wario kin to Mario, or is he a hater? Huh.

Now, I don't know canonically, rather. Yeah, don't look it up. And I don't really care. Actually, I'll look it up. Okay, you'll look at. Okay, that's fine. Y'all theor. I think.

I prefer to think that Wario is kin to Mario. Okay. I'm just going to go ahead and go full internet here and suggest that Wario is Mario's dad. He does look older. He definitely looks older and more weary than Mario. Yeah. I'm going to say that he, I'm going to do the like Beavis's butthead son thing, right?

I'm just going to say that Wario is Mario's dad and thus their fraught relationship. And he has sort of that Johnny Cash's dad relationship with him where it's like nothing you ever do is going to be good enough for me. I'm always going to be the champion. This year is Mario Kart. I don't care what they call it down in Nashville. So, yeah, I don't think he's a hater. I think he's definitely related to, I think he and Waluigi are probably brothers, right? Waluigi makes sense as like a really sketchy uncle for Mario.

Luigi, I'm actually willing to buy as just a hater who just, like, wanted to get in on this. He's the only Nintendo character who does the DX suck at celebration, right? He also, like, the problem is that Waluigi's physical proportions are so absurd that they don't,

it feels hard to suggest that he's related. Like, I understand that Luigi is taller than Mario, but Waluigi is basically a walking stick with a mustache. Can I give you something as to why Nintendo Power was a crap magazine.

Sure. They described Wario as, quote, a pretty uncool dude, unquote. I'm so heated right now. It's so wrong. So do you all want to know the canon? Yeah, please. So this is from Kotaku,

an official Nintendo document from 1993. Wario is not Mario's evil twin. Wario was once Mario's childhood friend. What? Many were the afternoon that they unplugged culverts together on the way home from school. But Wario became jealous of Mario,

both for his skill with a plunger and his dashing good looks. So the answer is, Hater. Wario's handsome. Yeah, he's got a nose. I think you say that because you kind of look like him. Fuck you. I love Wario.

This is also, by the way, the Wikipedia has the most gangster thing also about Wario, which is this, which is written by, I think, a British person. Because it says, they also mentioned that regarding Wario. They, quote, empathize more with the hopelessly materialistic Wario than Goody Brown Shoes Mario. Deep down, we'd all rather chase pounds over princesses, unquote. Which I think they just said money over hose.

Yeah, yeah, there's rap songs about Mario. Wario's the most hip-hop. You know who Wario is definitely kin with, though. Hmm. That would be Silo. Oh, definitely. It's really sad because Boston College... Just look at the hands, and it'll tell you.

Frank Spaziani looked like Wario. That's true. He did. The Wario's stature. Yeah. Just look like the shape of a refrigerator. Like a dorm fridge. Like a dorm fridge. A short fridge, sure.

A hotel fridge. Mario would be an outstanding defensive tackle. Yeah. Or like a Mississippi State running back. Yeah. Same thing. Mississippi State, anything, really. Any position in Mississippi State can be played by Wario. And Holland's got that shape, too.

He's listed at 6-3 and the media guy, that is not. No, that is completely untrue. He's 5.3 around. He's 511-250. 6-3 lying down. Easy. Runs a 4-6 full of heart.