Shutdown Fullcast - Shutdown Fullcast 4.31: Week One Is Here, Pop the Champagne

Episode Date: August 31, 2016

WEEK ONE IS HERE. The internet's only college football podcast starts off the 2016 college football season with: --a super important conversation about people Spencer does not look like, because...football? --how we love Cal for not mattering, ever --why we decide to begin the greatest sport's season every year with South Carolina football, a brand sure to drive horrified new viewers away in droves --how Jason once pulled a D in a British Lit class despite going to the wrong classroom and class the entire semester, go Kennesaw State Owls --which ranked teams face upsets in week one, even though we don't actually know who's good or not, and thus don't really have too many upsets? (SEE: OLE MISS VS. FLORIDA STATE, or any other ranked v. ranked matchup) --Ryan singing "NORTH CAROLINA, BEATING GEORGIA" jauntily --Who's going to lose to an FCS team in their opening week besides Iowa State, who's totally losing to UNI because UNI specializes in this thing --More excited discussion about Auburn QB "White, Sean" and how sneaky fast he is --The introduction of 2016's hottest college football scoreboard cam gimmick: FIGHT CAM. We just send six cartoonishly costumed prospectors into a sparsely populated part of the stadium to stage-fight one lucky fan selected at random. The whole stadium gets to watch! It'll be delightful. --Texas plays Notre Dame, who they should want to beat very badly after last year's 35 point loss to the Irish. It's good to want things, even if they probably won't happen. --A final conversation about Ole Miss vs. FSU, the game where we see if Chad Kelly can outdo his predecessor Bo Wallace in throwing perfectly matching sets of TDs and INTs. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown forecast. Listener, open your ears, take your bloodstream, find a portal of safe entry and inject the sound of our voices into your veins. Don't do that. It's actually ridiculously toxic in the bloodstream. It can harm no less than five major organs. But you're going to do it anyway, because this is a class one narcotic, and it is college football. And the best part is, it's totally legal. Don't tell the DEA.

Joining us today to discuss week one of the 2016 college football season. Yeah, we said it. Week one, you're here. You are here. Sunday, actually, Saturday, and also Monday, and Thursday and Friday. Games, games, games. No school. If people say their school on Friday, they're lying.

Your kids can stay home. if you don't have kids if you have kids that you don't know about guess what they can stay home too that's not legally binding they can just come over to your house you don't have to admit paternity or maternity notice we included both genders there

that's fair it's a holiday a damn five day holiday starting on Thursday with what what kicks us off what gets us from point A to point B

puts the nitro in our engine lights the can't on this Roman candle. What? What of all things sets the fuse ablaze? I ask you, Ryan Nanny, master of the repellent unranked team versus unranked

team game. What gets us started to begin? America's best sport involving unpaid labor, having dollars and values stolen from them. What game gets us started? We're not counting that crap-ass Hawaii Cal game, are we? Exhibition.

You mean where Cal basically decided, hey, we'll schedule the homeless shelter of college football, and we won't even play them at their house because we scurred? No. You know, it makes sense to call Hawaii the homeless shelter because you can live outside. It's fine. They actually have rats in the locker room from what I think Matt Brown reported on that. Yeah, what did this Cal Wend do for me?

Nothing. Davis Webb looked fine. The Cal defense is still trash. The best part about Cal football is this, that like, it is the, like, it is the what is the the show the improv show

that was Drew Carey was originally a British show whose line is it anyway where the points don't matter the yards don't matter we just make up a score

and that's the end of the game that's Cal Football at this point is the basketball player who's entering the NBA draft and you're like

oh man this kid can dunk he can't do anything else but he can dunk I had them as J.R. Smith No three

Doink. Three. Do you got a ring. What do you got, Cal? Nothing. Oh. I fucking hate the Bears. Just hate the Bears.

That's because you are the number one Stanford fan on the internet. The game I was referring to. Which, by the way, the Cal Hawaii game, I watched it in a hotel room on vacation while drinking a bottle of room service, Perseco. That's like the rap lyric from somebody who is telling you that they used to ball even when they didn't have money. stayed up all night drinking brusco watching calhawaii that's that's exactly

a riffraff lyric if action bronson hasn't said that i'll be damned it's true i was like i finished my vacation on a real action broncen note right all i had to do is like list an obscure beverage brescco which is fairly obscure right like action bronson will just drop mango

lassie like you know oh i can do that casually right in a hotel watching calhawai yeah that's an action bronson lyric But I was watching it It was so great Because you're like If I missed a play

It was like This doesn't matter Listeners Please tweet None of this matters Please tweet pictures of action Bronson At Spencer and say that it's him He loves that

He loves that shit Yeah Because I weigh somewhere between what 200 and 700 pounds That's the public perception That they'll just find A 350 pound man In a what

A green beard Not even the right Color beard He can have fallen in a pile of hay And this is be like, yep, that's Spencer. Clean-shaven, but he's had all that hay on his face. They could tweet me one of those things that you can buy at Cracker Barrel or any fine restaurant that's actually a man with iron shavings on his face that's magnetized, right?

That's some child is arranged in the correct shape. And they'd be like, look, it's you. As long as a bearded man who's low-key thick. That's it. That's the other thing. They're like, any man who's, any bearded man who's low-key thick, they're like, yo, dude, I saw you in a Yankees game. I'm like, first, that man weighs three.

$315 pounds. Easy. You know you've entered Scott Van Pelt territory, right? Any bald white guy with glasses, somebody will say is Scott Van Pelt. You've also kind of entered Bumani Jones territory here. So congratulations. Damn, you are a gigantic media personality at this point. But without encounter, gigantic, literally, I'm 500 pounds. Oh, shit.

That's the guy you raised 675 pounds. Right? I didn't mean it like that. Like Kevin Gillespie, right, will show up from Top Chef. And so they'll be like, yo, dude, I saw you cooking a pig. Kevin Gillespie's like 5-5. Okay? His beard is nuke red.

All right, he's balding, which I'm only like, I'm only like 30% like thinning at best. And they'll put it on there and be like, oh, that's you, dude. There's got to be a Duck Dynasty cousin who looks like you. Has to be. Several. There's actually like two. Because I've had pictures sent to me. And like, it's not like, oh, man, I don't look like that ugly guy.

No, man, I'm ugly. I know my brand. I look like a 120-pound freshwater fish. That's my brand. That fish is between 20,700 pounds. Yeah, what's his 120 top? That's true, yeah. It's a surgeon between 200, 700.

It's one of those monster ones that you see in like Ukrainian news feeds, right? Like, we pulled this out of someone's drain pipe because it was confused and swam into it, which, to be fair, I would do. Terrorist fish owns the Volga. Anyhow, the handle is EDSBS. Just go ahead, Google image search, thick beard man, and send him everything you find. Harry Fish, Google Harry Fish, send that to Spencer. Just go ahead and Google image search, man, and send Spencer absolutely every image you have.

Send him a zip file if you can. Sure, go ahead. Go ahead and mail him a zip drive. If you have the transporter from the fly, put all of the members of Mumford and Sons in it so that you get one person at the end, take a picture of that person and send a dispenser. It you. Put the lead singer Jim Tebow, Tim Tebow's brother, they look the same. But yeah, that's one.

Hey, welcome back. We missed you last week. Hey, how is Montana, buddy? I'm going back Fuck y'all Oh shit sucks Done ran off dad again

I'm going away Yeah dad Dad needs some more cigarettes In Montana They got real good ones They got Oh man They got the best ones

That's one of those places Where I did actually get complimented On my car My rental By a guy I'm pretty sure It was a white supremacist Okay That's a good moment in your life

When a guy's like Hey sweet car brother And you're like Thanks And you look at every single One of his bumper stickers and just triangulate like Yeah, like, what exactly do we mean my brother here?

I was like, how insecurity do you have to be to be a white supremacist in Montana? You're just surrounded by white people. You've got to be saying that you're the best white person in all in Montana. That's the competition. There's a lot of them. You've got to be like the apex white person in Montana to assume you're white supremacist. That's like the Hemingway look-like contests in Key West. That's stiff competition, man.

Also, Ernest Hemingway, that also is what Spencer looks like. Yeah, it goes basically just Google a Hemingway competition and send that to Spencer. Yeah. Draw a picture of Orson Wells and Ernest Hemingway making out and send that to the Spencer. Also, send that to me as well. I was going to say, you can send that to all three of us.

That's just beautiful. I do know this, that that's like being in L.A. and being like a dude with stupid hat supremacist. because as we know, Los Angeles leads the entire nation, great city in men wearing stupid hats. Adult men wearing stupid hats. I'm talking ages like 18 to 80. LA is one of those places where a 70-year-old man's like,

I can dress like a 17-year-old. It's fine. This college football podcast is going great. It always does. Week one. Week one. I was teeing up long ago, Ryan, for the game on Thursday,

a national tradition, the hallowed mistletoe beneath which we all meet kiss okay every what team what team rings us in every single year as the first team to somehow inexplicably roll out of bed without taking the curlers out of its hair and take the field whether they're ready or not who is it so the answer the answer you're looking for is south carolina they're playing at vanderbilt a game which um stephen godfrey described as uh he wish he could be at he lives in nashville because it would be like watching two of your neighbors get into a car accident and just standing on the lawn

hoping they're going to slap fight. But this year, South Carolina... I feel like that implies the cars can move, though? Well, I mean, you can back into each other. There's nothing wrong with that. I think it's more like one of you parked in front of the other's driveway. South Carolina, not the first SEC school

to play this season, though, because half hour before that game starts, App State, going to Neeland Stadium in Knoxville. Tennessee just needs all the attention this year. Can't let South Carolina have a damn thing, move their game up, just to steal Will Must Champ's corpulent throne, Crapulent throne. Crapulent? Yeah, Crapulent. I'd go crapulent because corpulent would imply that they had been fed and had success, which, yeah, no, you're about to go on a python

feeding schedule, South Carolina. That's how Will Must Champs. They're like pythons. They eat once every six weeks. So we get to watch them try to swallow Vanderbilt hole. And possibly if Vanderbilt gets sideways inside South Carolina's Python Goet, I guess the game Cox will suffocate and sort of bloat

but Vanderbilt will die inside them. Is that right? Did this go off the rails? You know, this is an accurate representation of how this game will go. Do you know how it's going to be decided on a fumble? That's how these games go. They'll be a fumble. Now, the positivist, the optimist will say this was really a game

where one defense decided to take game away from the other offense okay sure sure i like that you know the game will be decided on a fumble yes a fumble that results in a score no a fumble in the fourth quarter also no not say that also it'll it'll be like it'll be like a fumble in the early in the early third quarter you'll be like yeah man if if if vandy hadn't fumbled that ball they would have kicked the game winning field goal with 12 minutes left in the third quarter i like this that that god bless our south Carolina block garnet black attack they do a very good job covering this team it will be difficult to cover this team because right now will must champ says it's a real advantage right now

that they don't know who our starting quarterback is sure it could be the teenager it might not be though hey people listen what um what's one of the most popular board games clue i put i put my quarterback's name in an envelope we all I've got to wander this mansion until we find out how he's going to beat Bainterbilt. Will it be with the candlestick? Probably not. Will it be with the gun? No, no, no.

That's a passenger basically. We talk in ranch. Wrench, that's pretty much your only option. Also, the mansion is a hardee's. The mansion is... In South Carolina, every mansion's got a hearty son. But do you know about the secret passage of the Hardee's? If you're 18 and up, yes, you do.

Was there a dance club in there? Okay, okay, okay. Yeah, that's... Sure, South Carolina Vanderbilt. A game we will watch. I like the annual nature of this South Carolina game because it's sort of like opening your worst Christmas present first, so you can sort of look at yourself and be like,

I'm grown, what did I get all excited about? Like, this is just a day like any other day. And other Christmas presents will be. great but because this is the first one and it's a belt you're just going to say man i just it's fine like you know i'm i'm just lucky to have a christmas at all honestly i'll i'll be watching abstate tennessee instead of this because you know abstate could make a game of it very well could make a game of it but if they don't then we get to say oh okay tennessee you beat the you know fcs or whatever team like okay yeah yeah you know you get to make a game you know you get to make

a lot of noises like that. You're basically just watching for the point where, you know, where they run out a little life bar, where they run out of depth, right? Like, that's, that's just going to happen. So, like... Eventually, a guy weighing 315 and another guy weighing 260, you know, that 45, 50 pounds, that's going to show up eventually, and that's what's going to happen. Appstate is the RPG character that accidentally wandered into the dungeon that they are like

30 levels away from. And they're like, all right, I guess. Yep, I'm going to attack this dragon now. All I got is an empty bottle and a shield made of toilet paper. Here we go. Like, you were a really cool merchant back in the first town, but shit, bro. I mean, like, to me, I did some great conversating. You delivered your lines impeccably.

But, like, the thing about this game is either we get to laugh at, oh, shit, Tennessee is locking up in a big moment again. You know, oh, oh, they're pulling a valls. Again, or we get to say, you know, none of this matters. Who cares? You didn't press anybody. Be gone. Can I ask the toughest Thursday night question of both of you? Sure.

How much of Oregon State at Minnesota are you going to watch? Zero. Zero, not one second. Okay. That was that. Actually, well, let's see. Well, let's see. That'll be the late slate.

Yeah, I'll watch some of it. That'll be the only game on for a while. So, yeah, yeah, I'll be suckered into that. No way. I'm going Montana State. Idaho. I'm going lower. That's an ESPN 3 game in the kibby dome. Oh, it's in the kippy dome. This is our last season to view the kibbom in FBS. And this is probably the last, yeah, yeah, let's, well, I'll see you guys there. Before we give the kiby dome back to the badgers we've been leasing it from this whole time. Also, Montana State could win that game. Yeah, exactly. By the way, that is, that is, of course, Montana State at Idaho in the kibbid dome.

Kibby Dump, least beloved structure in college football. Like the Kibbidum, I don't even think people in Idaho like it because they think it is some kind of like state funding boondoggle that turned into like, it's basically a giant Kwanzit hut, right? Like the old army structures that are just a half, a half circle of metal kind of coming out of the ground. That's what the Kibbe Dome looks like. Season two of Stranger Things, they're going to film in the Kibbe Dome.

Mark Banjino is probably a less beloved structure, but it's close. We love Mark Mansino. But more resolute, God damn it. Yeah, Thursday night's pretty bad. I think the way it's going to go is me watching Rice at Western Kentucky on CBSSN. That's what's going to happen. I get CBSSN.

Damn, you rich. I know, man. I will watch a little bit of Indiana at Florida International. That's the secret, like, ticket on Thursday night is to watch Indiana at FIU. Yeah, that's not. bad um because it's it's indiana i will always watch indiana because they are team chaos before we get to friday y'all want to take a question yeah yeah all right let's see uh from

ferdinand chub on twitter what's the longest you went between the first day of a class and the first time you showed up to that class presumably college uh i'll let you gentlemen go first here are you ready yeah i mean i i i'll say right out i don't have a good answer here i was i was a nerd i was a good student i went to the classes i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry spencer okay just go okay um the longest i i believe the longest that i went between showing up for a class what was the drop date how long did you have between start and drop i want to say you had two weeks or so does that sound right maybe three something like that under under a month i want say yeah okay then the answer would be never because I signed up for a class that I never

showed up to pretty good pretty good what was the class yeah I believe the class was I believe the class was Arabic and I don't know how I even signed up for it because it wasn't like I wanted to take it sure just not a language I've ever wanted to take and it just came up and I believe we had to have the discussion of you can keep the money that's fine I just didn't even know i was signed up for it right this happens more often than people know does this still happen now in the like highly computerized i mean i'm not saying you're old but i do picture you like having to oh no i'm mail in your your class selection and send it by pigeon we called it in that was we were step up to the univac punch your card and the

univac will decide which math class you'll be taking this season people of people of a certain age who attended the University of Florida will quiver when I say the words Welcome to Telegator Because Telegator was how you signed up for five That was barely in existence by the time I was there But I am aware of it Yeah, yeah

Not quite online generation, more like bad modem generation So somehow I managed to sign up For this class And I think it was Arabic And I just ultimately, if you just go in And I find this works in many departments in life If you just walk in and you say hi

my name is dumbass and I've made a colossal mistake. I've lived up to my name. Well, at no real cost to anybody, right? That's the way you get away with it is to say, I gave you money for something that I did not in fact collect. And I am not here

to collect that money back. No, no. I am just here to ask that you take that thing that would be a complete zero. Like, no work done or contributions made at all to that class and take it off my record. I would like to piggyback off your story briefly before we get to Jason. I took, I took Arabic for a semester

in college. I did it on purpose because for, as I stated at the beginning of this, I was, I was a nerd. I'm sorry about that. And you wanted, no, do I have this right? What? This was for a career with the FBI. It was, but I also just, I legitimately liked foreign language classes. I took a lot of them, so. Okay. Five-oh. In my, in my Arabic class. Ryan, Ryan is police. In my Arabic class on the first day, somebody showed up. He did not return for a second day, because I think this gentleman learned that this was not the class for him. It was a little maybe more than he thought he was biting off, and that's fine. He made the choice to drop the class.

But Spencer, this is when I tell you that Joe Kim Noah made it to more sessions of Arabic class than you did. I'm so proud of him. Oh, my goodness. Way to go, Joe Kim? Yep. That's amazing. Yep. So, Spencer, to be clear, you did drop that Arabic class in time?

No, I didn't drop it in time. But remember... Okay, so you were stuck with it. Well, I was stuck with it. However, I remember going at the end of the semester if it was Arabic. It's a very long time ago. If it was Arabic, I was able to just go in and at the time, which again, thank goodness for the

era of face-to-face decisions made without a permanent online record I was able to just say could you just can we just incomplete this let's just both let's just both walk away

and pretend this never happened yeah and I think that was I think that was fine I think that professors know that too like if you never show up they're like oh this person doesn't even know they're supposed to be here well I'm I'm proud to say

that I think I'm the stupidest person here because I can't even decide which example to use. I had a freshman history class. This was summer term. You're taking like two classes a day and all that. And I actually went to this class, which is pretty good, and walked away with a C, which okay, that's a pretty low achievement, but at least I made it through and all that.

Walked in and looked and somehow after the grades were posted, realized I'd been going to the wrong room the entire semester. Wrong teacher, wrong room, right course, wrong time, wrong everything, and went and walked to the nice person in the office and said, could you maybe just slide this? And she sort of looked at me like, you know, gave me that look that said like, oh, this happens all the time, but not really. You're the first fucking idiot this stupid to pull this off. There was that. There was, this is probably a junior year Brit lit class.

they're stupid thing number four I'm in English major and this was probably the wake up moment for me when I realized like you know when you're in your 20s and you think you know what it's like to work hard

and like oh everyone's riding me to do my best and shit and then you have that moment where you kind of realize like oh fuck it I should probably buckle down and learn how to be a grown up now like this was the moment for me

in my life when I realized like oh I'm actually not 12 years old anymore it was me and some friends were out at Taco mac spencer you know taco mac oh yeah yeah and someone said like hey how are finals going and i looked up like oh shit and and realized i had a class that i had not attended yet and it was now finals time um wait you you did the thing that literally everybody dreams about yeah yeah yeah i skipped an entire semester and here's where i'm going to spike the football on you i walked in for the final and walked out with a d

because it was on Osamandias, the poem, and I analyzed the shit out of it. I can tell you all about the assinence and all that in Osamandias, and I can get a piece. I just walk out with my hands in the air, like, yeah. I just... Yes, I realize this will not actually advance me toward course credit toward any sort of a diploma,

even from a Georgia public university. However, I invested 1.5 hour, of my entire life into this class and I still didn't fail, bitch. So, so, so you, you, you threw a, you threw a Hail Mary touchdown in a game that you were losing by 85. Yeah, I got seven points though, didn't I?

Didn't get shut out! No shut out, baby. Go Gators. What on earth are you going to do if ever your daughter, who we love? I would never wish anything ill upon comes home with academic troubles. Oh, man. Oh, man. Yeah, I, um, yeah. today she wrote an essay about like how good it feels when like mommy and daddy tell her she did a good job at school that day and it's like oh that's awesome that's awesome you are you know already smarter than i was until like eight minutes ago so just please good lord keep it up please keep it up good god uh let's talk about friday friday's pretty i mean look yes i'm going to watch every minute of stanford pulverizing kansas state impostors

juco welcoming assholes because that's what I'm not about that Stanford is a place where you go for life that's why it's called the Stanford prison experiment

um you know that's what you gotta call your defense you know what I as a natural born westerner will be watching I'll be watching the Rocky Mountains finest rivalry

Colorado to say Colorado yeah oh in sports Authority Field, Denver. An environment like no other, where are the Broncos? I mean, that's Trevor Simeon's town now, buddy. You better watch out what you say.

Trevor Sivian. He are your friends. Oh, Mark Sanchez, you impossible dipshit, how did you lose a starting job to Trevor fucking Simeon? His last name, Simeon!

You should have been able to beat him just on an evolutionary I almost I almost got beat by Chad Octopod. I got beat by Steve Cordata. But yeah, that's I will be watching Colorado State Colorado because I have a soft spot in my heart for the buffs and always will.

Even though they're not playing at, this is by the way, you have two stadiums with beautiful backdrops. And you choose to play this in Denver every single year. Which, I mean, I know. I get it. It's a rivalry game. You want to act like it has some significance beyond a home-and-home.

He probably doesn't. Still an entertaining game, by the way, most of the time. Especially because neither team can pull away from the other. Just can't happen. Neither team can conclusively get the edge on the other. So I'm excited to watch Colorado State Colorado for stupid emotional reasons that have no reason with the otherwise subpar quality of this game. That sounds like the open.

weekend if I've ever heard it. Friday's the day where it's like technically it's college football but maybe spend some time with your family. This may be, you know, just a little bit. Go outside and go to bed early. That's the plan for the entire season. Friday college football is always garbage. Yeah.

And no other evidence is needed than Mack Brown is talking about it. Yeah. Cepho Lafow. There you go. Watch it. Watcher for Cepo Lefow. The quarterback of Colorado, he's dual threat. He's like, imagine Colorado's version of Bradley Van Pelt taking way too many hits. except without the glorious flowing

hair. You made that sound French. Is he French? No. Cepo Lefoufou is Polynesian by the cent, I believe. But yeah, he's 100% Colorado Buffalo now, baby, which means he'll probably just miss a pole game and go five and seven. Yeah, I mean, that was our prediction. Um, I'm going to ask

this question to lead us into Saturday. And this is Saturday. This is how I want us to talk about Saturday to start with. This is from Jake Self at sake Jelf on Twitter. Which week one game would you most enjoy seeing an upset in? And why? Ooh. Well, Maryland beating Howard right there. That'd be a big one.

In all seriousness, if we are looking at the Saturday schedule and looking at upset potential in terms of the emotional satisfaction you would get from watching one team on Saturday upset another. I got a good one. I actually don't know who's favorite in this game. Maybe this wouldn't be an upset, and I apologize if that's the case, but North Carolina beating Georgia. North Carolina beating Georgia. I will say this. Carmically, North Carolina's owed.

Sure. They are owed because what happened to them last week or last year in the opening week of the season. They lost the South Carolina in the worst year of Steve's career's tenure, right, in the opening. A game, which, by the way, might have helped keep them out of the playoffs. Certainly kept them out of the playoff conversation for a large. time when they shouldn't have been necessarily. I'm very clearly biased here. I'm not going to say anything positive about Georgia, pretty much all season long, but yeah, that would, that would warm the darkest cockles of my heart. So if UNC has a karma debt, what does Georgia have?

Are they, I guess they're just karma underwater? Yeah, well underwater, like repo, like program. The program, I can't decide whether, like, Mark Richt and his long record of underachieving has either set them up for one long payoff, or you didn't take this, so we're just going to go ahead and burn your house down. I mean, you fired a pretty good man, so... Yeah, I mean, ideally, if I were writing the script, because I'm biased, Georgia fan, I would like to see you suffer a good four to seven years of complete misstep, misery, mismanagement, and otherwise

just hateful despondent failure for four to seven years at the hands of another Sabin disciple who was hired away from the home office when really what you want is the manager who owns the whole place not the sort of like

dilettante little guys who surround him because that's what happened to me I want you to feel that pain okay it's nothing personal it's all about my twisted need for you to feel my sorrow Now, if we're not talking just about personal, personal avarice, pain avarice, and we're just talking about what would be most amusing in terms of upsets, real, real, real, real high up there.

I'm going to say Fresno State beating Nebraska in Lincoln. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. On Big Ten Network at night, everybody, I think the general sense I have from Nebraska fans, they've all sort of come to terms with last season, accepted that. They lost a bunch of close games. They had a bunch of dumb coaching mistakes late in games, but still, the team was not as bad as the record showed,

and they had a nice bowl game. If President of State beats Nebraska on the road, I'm pretty sure all of whatever healing they've done, the scars will just erupt. It's like, man, my God, we need to hire an asshole. We've got to get Greg Shiano in here. We need to hire this the meanest coach. We need to hire Bobby Knight.

I'll go to you one better just by sliding both the time zones out a little bit. This will be a noon game, but it will be 6 a.m. local time for the road team, Hawaii at Michigan. After Hawaii just flew across the planet Earth to arrive in Ann Arbor, where the huffin and puffin Jim Harbaugh awaits with his number seven ranking. Yeah. Yeah. Not going to happen in any stretch of the imagination. but no you could you could sim that on NCAA a hundred times and it wouldn't happen once but the question was not realistic upset that's a good point let me give you a couple of other little lights to see if USC somehow upset Alabama now I mean I think any game where a quarterback makes a lot of mistakes and your team commits turnovers you could lose like that's feasible and I think people forget that USC despite being ranked 20th to Alabama's one they're going to go wow that's 19 spots better USC ridiculously talent or roster that they usually have.

They do. It's not like they stop raking in talent, okay? It's just that they stop developing it and managing it as well. Any team with that much talent could just catch a couple of breaks, right? And when Alabama loses, it's generally because it's offense completely misfires, and there's a couple of, like, huge breakout plays in offense from the other team. USC's more than capable of doing that. Is it probable?

No. Is it possible? Yeah. It's totally possible for Alabama to lose that game, okay? don't ever let a number one ranking just sort of like automatically file one team into that it doesn't mean anything Alabama is more talented than any

team in college football but if they make mistakes they can lose USC itself has proved how little a number one ranking means correct you beat me to my next line but yes absolutely true I also have a couple of FCS versus FBS special yeah we got a lot of questions about

FCS teams that could beat FBS teams and there are some I have one but I want you to go ahead okay good good because uh one there will be uh i think they still win this game but south carolina state at ucf ucf one of the worst teams in college football how many how many games they win last year again remind the people um would that be one oh no no it would not no no would not were they unwin-feated they were they they will now have more statues built to george o'leary than wins in Georgia O'Leary's last year.

My God, they took the donut. For everybody who's confused about why UCF decided to collect a bunch of money and build the statute of Georgia O'Leary, given his, let's say, charitably checkered history with that program and just overall, kickbacks. The answer is kickbacks. Anytime there's a nonsensical construction project

approved in the state of Florida, the answer is kickbacks. Here's the FCS upset possibility I like best happens at 3.30. Is it in the PAC 12?

It's not in the PAC 12. Oh, I'm shocked. I think that one's a given. I assume, first of all, if you're talking about Ruckers at Washington, you should know that Ruckers is an FBS team. This is what? It's crazy.

It's crazy. I need to see the receipts. They made the leap. Good for them. 3.30. Charlottesville, Virginia. your hoos host the richmond spiders and richmond is not a bad fcs team preseason fcs number four richmond uh virginia is you know starting under a new coach

figuring some things out not number four um that has that has possibilities for sure i thought you were going to martin stadium in polman washington where in true mike leach at washington A loss to an FCS team, Eastern Washington, a good FCS team, yeah. Right, rolling into Pullman at Washington State. If they lose this game, Washington State is going to a bowl game. That's been the pattern. We're going to go ahead and pick up on it. Same time, different conference, TCU, number 13 in the nation, host South Dakota State.

This would be the FCS victory that would cause the most ripple effect chaos because... By the way, this is South Dakota State, Jackrabbits, correct? Yes, correct. One of my favorite of the mascots. This was the team that last year almost pulled off. I will say their name, and I will say it in the manner that it should be addressed. Fellow FCS member, Kansas. Remember they almost Kansas last year?

Probationary FCS member, I believe. They beat Kansas on a, it was like a flubbed snap or something like that. Oh, yeah, Kansas like didn't get a snap off at the end of the game or something. Kansas forgot how to... Oh, yeah, it was a time edge. Oh, my God, I'm going into anaphytic shock, just thinking about the end of that game now. Yeah.

That's what we have to offer in week one, folks. It's a mixed bag. Let me hit you with Eastern Kentucky at Purdue. Okay, good. I might take EKU straight up, man. Basically, this is any football team at Purdue, but EKU has a pretty good program. And I'm also going to point out FCS number five,

Northern Iowa at Iowa State, which is under new management. Yeah, that one, I feel like that's going to happen. I'm sorry. Also, Iowa State has sort of made a thing of losing to FCS teams. No one really knows why they're in the Power 5. It's important to have signatures. That's fine. I take that straight up.

This should be a neutral site game. They should have that. They should play it at Kinnick and just rent it out. I mean Iowa How loud would Iowa fans hoot at that? Iowa fans would show up Go you and I

I would go by the way Like one more on this If I could just interject We actually have two little late-night things There's obviously Clemson and Auburn Yeah Which I just don't see a team With the Sean Watson losing to Auburn

I don't especially with white Sean Making a start at Auburn If you're listening to this for the first time, we will actually explain this joke to you. The idea being that a quarterback's name works best if it can be presented both forward and in reverse, i.e., if you have a name like James Winston, you can reverse it, and what is he?

He's Winston James. Obviously bound for greatness as a quarterback, and as a quarterback only, because you can reverse his names, right? Montana Joe. Montana Joe, legend in his field, okay? Holiday Carlisle, Stafford Matthew? No.

No? I know. I think that's an extremely Georgia name. That's some Yale shit. Yeah. Lambert Grayson? Sure. That's like a kid that grew up with Batman.

I guess Georgia gets its own special... Dispensation? Yeah, like special rules here. Like Georgia name is a whole other different kind of thing than name. Apple White Major. Sure. Yeah, we'll take anything. Jefferson Jordan

I do declare Jefferson George I do declare Jefferson That's a fine quarterback Miller Miller Braxton Sure

Yeah There probably is a child named Miller Braxton In Columbus He's three Robinson Robinson Donard Middle reliever for

The Orioles I'm going to say I like Iube Joe yeah that's uh i think he's the cruiserweight champion right now are you joe barkley matt you know actually barkley matthew is is a fairly classy name i will take that in this one sean white aka white sean who today brett venables brett venables the defensive coordinator clefson can one of you tell me the phrase that venables used to describe white sean at quarterback was it sneaky

athletic he said sneaky fast sneaky fast sneaky fast also which which which which shade of brown is white Sean as far as his skin goes white Sean is

is he live up to his name and to his sneaky fast description he lives up yeah he lives up to the name yeah Sean White is Sean White in case you miss is very Caucasian Is he ginger? His hair is a little reddish.

I don't know if he's like, I don't know, he's not quite Andy Dalton, Ginger. No, few are. He's like Brandon Weiden Ginger, though. Like, he's in that firm category. And was described by Brent Venables today as... Sneaky fast. Sneaky fast.

Can't just be fast. No. So PFT commenter, put that in your column this week. Can't call Sean White Out right fast. No, no, no. Why Sean's got to be. sneaky fast. Sean White, possession

quarterback. Amazing snowboarder. He never drops the ball? Yeah, yeah. Steady, steady, steady quarterback. He hands off real well. Yeah. And then BYU at Arizona.

I don't know what to make a BYU. Frankly, don't know what to make Arizona. A little curiosity late on FS1 at 10.30 p.m. So there's all kinds of cool stuff to look at on Saturday. A nice little finish up for when you're out of booze and just like, sure, I'll watch Fox Sports. I did really like that Arizona in this year's movie spoof thing that they did went with Gladiator.

You know, the movie about the sport where unpaid prisoners fought often to great injury and or death for the amusement of the rich and powerful. Yeah. So, cool. Is there some sort of a connection that you're trying to make to the sport or anything? What I'm saying is we need more tridents in college football. Okay. I thought you were just to say, like, there needs to be more tiger on the field. Or the nets.

The nets are good, too. Not the basketball team, just actual nets. No, no. Listen, you could give the Cal defense nets and they'd still give up seven hundred years ago. Oh, oh, and Cal is eating the net. Somehow Cal is caught in the net. Yeah, Cal defenders throwing each other into nets. That's how that would work.

Oh, Cal. We do have two. We have another question to ask. We should totally get to another question before we hit our bookend games, which, by the way, are Woppers on both Sunday and Monday. Yeah, this is from at Jog Martin on Twitter. What school would be best candidate

to replace its fight song with Nuck if you buck? Nuck if you buck, if you're not familiar. I believe this is a crime mob song. Classic. Are you about to Buck Explain? I'm about to Nuck's Blaine. I'm sorry. Classic Southern fight song, like literally fight song.

Like, if you put it on, it's legal to, like, punch the person next to you. In fact, you kind of have to do it. So which school would be the best candidate to replace its fight song with Nuck if you buck? Okay, let's be very honest. Okay, if we're talking about the players, it would be the University of Georgia. If we're, but if we're talking about, like, literal fit, it's the Ohio State Buckeyes. Hmm. Right?

Yeah. I mean, I get that it's on the nose, but also, Ohio State people kind of want to fight all the time anyway. Yeah, but are they going to be like, you know, a, no, machine gun, Kelly, that's real hip-hop, you know, and, like, try to talk to you about, like, bone thugs. I don't know, man. Fine. I don't know if those people have ever heard rap songs. I get what you're saying. Yeah.

I think when you go, man, Ohio State fan, do you like rap? and I'm not saying this to you extremely hipstery rap literate Ohio state fans no I'm saying that to the guy that's next to you right okay the guy who you go do you like rap and they're like yeah

ICP baby like yeah those guys you want to say like no that's a joke no it's not or like listen to it just so they know what to tweet it recruits been listening to this guy 2 1 Savage

he's amazing Or a little Uzi verre. It's French, I believe, Bear. A little Uzi four verts. I don't approve of all this the passing, but... I know, it's a little too true for me and my Woody Hayes jeans, but I got to know what

to talk to the kids about. Who are you giving it to them? Is it going to Georgia? No, because I can't give them a good thing. Thank you. Right? Thank you. Yeah. I can't give a knuck a few buck to them. So, what I would do, if I was going to give a knuck of you buck to any school,

I'm just going to go ahead and give it to, like, Georgia Southern. I don't know, but you do that, and then crime mob gets arrested. As we learned when Migos went there, and as we learned when Young Drow went there, any musician who steps foot anywhere near in a hundred mile vicinity gets arrested. That's true. How do you feel about me giving it to Troy? What if we slide it up to Georgia State? Because then we get the sight of 100 people having a riot in a gigantic football, NFL stadium by themselves.

That's good. Like having a group fight so small, you actually could arrest them all. Like, they can't arrest us all. Actually, it wouldn't be that hard. They have three fans here. It's already, yeah, they're ready. Where there are so few people who are at you in the section that somebody points at you to fight and you're like, oh, God, I'm alone. The Jumbotron is showing just you, just your face.

You're not rolling down your face. I have been chosen. You're on, fight cam. You're on Georgia State fight cam. you're in the dome it's time to fight i would actually i would enjoy those games so much more if they use that instead of kiss cam they just highlighted two people they were like yeah you gotta fight now the crowd expects it come on this got to happen a miami game that's that's so completely what i would do if i were in charge of like kansas football games you know you're out that's so much more sad i don't know why you and all of a sudden you just show one sad person like fight camp get in He's got nobody to fight.

What is this, Mr. Robot? He's going to start punching himself. What about like a Wyoming? Like you should or like or like no, like a U-TEP game. Someone's up on handjob hill by themselves. U-TEP is a great choice. I would just have, I would just have like six cartoon prospectors, right? Like guys in like absurd prospectors outfits, right?

It's like fake whiskey bottles made out of stage glass that they could just go and start tuning someone up in the stand. right like fight cam and all of a sudden like six rowdy prospectors just rolling up smashing sugar glass over your head you just football'd be amazing we would increase attendance by negative 70 percent doing that you know what it's amazing they have six costume prospectors who come and beat the hell out of you you shouldn't go at all it's not family friendly it's not family friendly it's fucking awesome bro you know you can get

to UTIP Stadium without a passport from any nation it's awesome they pay you if you walk out with the title belt you get to collect the winnings for the night hello and welcome to local kubitay

like conference USA games if there was that big of a of a brawl going on in the stands it just just tilt the cameras up do they have cameras Whoever's in the press Is anyone, do they have a press box? Whatever's going on. All the attention shifts.

I'm just dying at the like Rob Stone piece. This is going to get. They send like Rob Stone into the stands. They send some poor intern into the stands like, you're on Utep Fight Cam. No, no. That's Donovan McNabb is calling Cusick games this year. Here comes Donovan McNabb on Fight Cam.

Oh, man. Oh, he's just hurling cans of chunky soup at you. They're expired. Why does he have those? He's a pretty big... He's a pretty big... Stop of him and that instantly produces a huge sack full of batteries. Where'd you get that? I saved him

for you. Booying he takes out, like, having to perform in front of Philadelphians on you. Oh, man. Okay, good. Let's go ahead and look at our last two games, since we've already created the hottest feature in all of college football media, fight camp.

Speaking of a fight on their hand Speaking of rowdy crowds Maybe we're going to Austin, Texas Like he will not be Any use at Notre Dame, Texas Not at all Speaking of crowds full of just boiling over passion And uncontrolled emotion and raging

Volcanoes of noise We're going to Texas Can I take a quick diversion Before this to show you that Texas has Its priorities in line Sure this week yeah which is this Texas Monthly reporting that the University of Texas having solved

every other problem they have institutionally are suing a donut shop the donut Taco Palace in Austin it's a marvelous place that donut and tacos or taco donuts? The taco is the donut why are they suing them yeah yeah it is a donut that it resembles a human hand

right with the index finger and pinky finger extended upwards and with the ring finger and middle finger tucked down okay sure with the thumb if it could have it would be starting already buddy no with the thumb folded across them as if you were making the formation of the University of Texas is hookum they've been selling these donuts since 2012 and at this point the $2.00

is now being involved in a legal motion. A cease and desist from the University of Texas filed in July that says while the university appreciates donut tacos palaces enthusiasm UT's understandably concerned about

your use of the longhorn mark in this matter. God bless the local law enforcement officer who got to show up and be like, I got to confiscate these. They're evidence. I'm sorry. I don't know what to tell you. Are you

trying to tell me the University of Texas trademarked the Satan hand sign? They trademarked fingers. They trademark fingers and hands. They trademarked a human body part. I'm really glad you get to this because this being Texas Monthly, the greatest publication on Earth. They get

deep into this by first citing the Mano-Kunortu Devil Horns that have been use in Italy and other Mediterranean countries for centuries. Their words are not mine. In addition to this, they cite Ronnie James Dio for popularizing the sign as a sign

of among metal fans. What had come to mean, hail Satan? Oh my God. And by the way, they quote him on this, and Ronnie James Dio says, I doubt very much if I would be the first one who ever did that. That's like

saying I invented the wheel. James Dio was so serious about the medal he considered the Hail Satan sign to be as valuable as the wheel which prove it's not spot the lie let it down for me and email it to me at Ryan Nanny at SB Nation

Why are you giving out the real email you fucking monster? There it is, it's out there. I just like that this is all funny but if Texas A&N went and sued somebody over a thumbs up we'd be like yeah yeah you got to protect your mark you got to protect your intellectual heritage makes sense

we'd be like man A&M needs money they have to buy someone out maybe while Texas you're like I don't know you got a $30 million in profit just lying around yeah Texas it's like somebody else comes out in burn orange long horns it's like come on anybody could have thought of that Texas A&M is suing

is suing Jesus yeah man they had 12th man before he did I don't know what to tell you look it up tell me when I lie do we care about the Notre Dame Texas game is of interest in terms of actual football other than the fact that Notre Dame

is a little thin. It's a little thin, starter-wise, because of recent events. Because of all the arrests and so forth? Well, yeah. At the Catholic University, with the high standards and so forth. The private Catholic University that enjoys telling you that, you know, they're a very good school. They're a real good school.

You should ask them. They'll tell you. The question I have on this game is, isn't this what Notre Dame usually does like three to four games? in the season, five to six games in the season, under Brian Kelly, they just start losing players mysteriously. That attrition has started this early by inorganic methods as opposed to injury. That's not good. Like, I worry a lot about that because Notre Dame is super talented. Normally, they start losing players around like, week six or seven, right? And then can point

back and say, well, that's why we went 10 and 2. And they've come so close, by the way. They really have come so close to putting together, like, another national title worthy, national playoff. Participant worthy. We can see another national something. Top four worthy. Yeah. So now we're just going to start losing players for other reasons. That's worrisome.

Especially when, when you look at this game going up at Texas in Austin, which, yes, I know, the University of, of Texas Longhorn fan tends to be a leisurely sort. Might stroll in about 7.30 into the first quarter might leave about, I don't know. 12 minutes into the third. But it's still not at Notre Dame. And it's still against the really, a defense is going to put a lot of pressure on Notre Dame in all the worst places. So, I don't know.

This seems like kind of a, I know this is a 10 versus unranked, but this seems like a really dangerous game for Notre Dame. As we all know, Texas is going 9 and 3. That's got to start somewhere. True. We called it. This was also just, I mean, when they played this game last year. Texas, you got that ass. Beat.

Beat badly. Oh, bad. 30 to 3. I'm looking back at the box score here because I'm a bad person. Less than 170 yards of offense. Just terrible. Just fucking awful what you did in this game. So you should want it.

You should want to really take it out on them. 2.14 on 3rd. I mean... 250 yards coming right up. I think the most impressive thing about this loss last year, Texas lost by 35 points. How many turnovers? What do you think the turnover margin was?

It was, I believe that it was negative 3 in favor of Texas. Was it not? Didn't Texas, like, not turn the ball over and got turnovers and still do anything with it? Neither team turned the ball over. So you're correct at least in the assumption that. Neither? That Texas did not just sort of fuck up the game away on isolated plays. They just got beat all night long.

At every position. Yeah. I will also tell you, isn't this Brian Kelly rolling in with the two quarterback system? Isn't this also Charlie Strong not naming his start? yet for the game. So a lot of variables at quarterback, my favorite position because the most mistakes can be made there.

Yay! So if you're looking for a Texas upset, there are a lot of reasons to expect it could happen in the sense of there are a lot of unknowns. I will say a Texas win in this game is my answer for a question Jason has, which is cheating, because I already know

that he has it. But Jason, you have a question about which win would most unjustifiably have everybody saying, oh, that team is back, and which loss would have everybody saying, oh, that team is dead, right? Yeah, this is Glenn Maff use on Twitter with Fs. Yeah.

If Texas, if Texas. So would this be both? Well, no, I think it would, I think given the recent rest history of the fighting Irish, they can probably chalk it up to that, and they have enough left on the schedule that they, I imagine, will say, say, well, you know, Texas is probably better than everybody thought,

and we still have a lot to play for, et cetera, et cetera. But if Texas beats a number 10 team, if an unranked Texas team beats the number 10 team as of now, that stands out to me as the one that more than anyone else in week one will have everybody screaming, oh, they back. They're for real. They back. Yeah, I kind of feel like this game goes both ways.

Like, if Notre Dame loses, we're all going to rush to say, oh, they're out of the playoff. even though we have no idea how the committee would treat an 11 and 1 Notre Dame I think that's the LSU Wisconsin game I think if LSU I think if LSU loses to Wisconsin

even though it's in Green Bay that's the one where people would freak the fuck out the most also roll this way that if Oklahoma loses to Houston and Texas beats Notre Dame I already know what the Red River is going to be Sooners win Oklahoma wins by 34

Texas Texas ran for negative 85 yards on three attempts How the fuck did that happen? The Red River rivalry where it always feels like somebody has just woken up Like one team just woke up Yeah Ran to the bus got on and shows up And gets a baseball bat the face

There's science to this Our friend Michael Byrd wrote this at SBNation.com Earlier this offseason You should go to that website every day everyone who's listening about like the the rivalries that most frequently go sideways on you and it was

Oklahoma, Texas and Florida, Georgia, by far. Ooh. It's fun. Let's go to... Ever go to a neutral site? This is a fun sport. I mean, Notre Dame's probably winning this game. We show most of this time funny reasons for Texas to win. Notre Dame is a more talented team.

Yep. They should win this game. They beat the hell out of Texas last year. Done. Also, they have two quarterbacks. unlike Texas. Texas doesn't even have one. Texas has so many,

it's moving to wide receiver and kicker and whatever else. The spoils of Austin. Yeah, administrative assistant. Anyway, I'll take Texas. So is Monday's game the one that you feel least confident in the outcome?

Yeah. Yep, because I'm pretty sure old Miss will win, but in a confidence pool, I put less than three points on them out of ten. You're like, oh, man, Ole Miss is going to win. And how confident are you with that? Not at all. Yeah.

But Elliot started up a new game that might be out by the time this podcast is. Might not. I don't know. Where a bunch of us do confidence points on the biggest games of the week. And Ole Miss FSU, it's like, I can't really go above, like, one out of ten here. Because do I have to pick this one? I think FSU is going to win. That's fine.

I think they're a good team. And I think, I don't know. I don't have enough faith that Ole Miss replaces what they need to quick enough. And, yeah, I'm really interested to see what Hugh Freeze looks like coaching this year. I don't feel great about it personally. Like in one of them black and white hamburger outfits, probably, Rebels cheating. Them cheating-ass rebel bears. Yeah, that's why the hamburger says Rebel Rebel.

this is old miss's approach and i really love them for it which is coming from nothing to lose with a schizophrenic history of failure interrupted by periodic successes undermined by subsequent stretches of immense failure humphrease has decided that the way to do this is to take absolutely no precautions at any point about anything that you do so they run a high school offense they recruit quarterbacks who enjoy throwing the ball in the coverage and taking immense risks and running a lot of trick plays and get your defensive tackle to be your goal lineback and just wave after wave of absurdity.

Hey, man, if you want to break the track record, just cut your brake lines. You're going to go fast. Nothing has better encapsulated the Hugh Free's approach in terms of football than that. Are they going to have a run game? Probably not. It's not really a thing they do.

I mean, Florida State will, so have fun with that. They will. Florida State can have a passing game? probably not i do like though that good i do like though that when uh the presumed starter got injured uh just a couple weeks ago and dandre francois even though he hadn't been named the starter at that point sort of everybody was like well it's his job now most florida saint fans were like good finally

this is what we're looking for i enjoy that kind of hubris by the way because they've had such success with a freshman quarterback before or with a new quarterback they're like yeah sure put in the other guy we're that talented well i just i i genuinely appreciate that florida state fans are not there are some fan groups that are sort of like no so-and-so is a senior and he's you know put in the time and he like deserves a chance you know he's earned the shot four state fans are like fuck it he sucks put in his freshman i don't want to see that i don't want to see this janky ass senior you can't do shit.

FSU is the most get your ass up out of here, fan base. The most third marriage fan base. Yeah. Yeah, this one ain't

working. Plug in a new one. Bye. I'll pay for it. We're not talking about you, Jimbo. I assure you. Wow.

God damn. Your hair looks nice, Jimbo. As Beaumani always says, whenever Tim Duncan's hair looks nice. So what's her name,

Tim? ha ha ha ha ha