Shutdown Fullcast - Shutdown Fullcast 4.33: Week Two is bad but ¡EL ASSICO! LIVES

Episode Date: September 7, 2016

--Week two is so bad Spencer stumbles over the intro before the show even starts --Oh, we get to discuss Texas/ND and Ole Miss/FSU! Which were both pleasing to the hater in different and yet still equally satisfying parts --A review of Iowa v. Iowa State, aka ¡El Assico!, the game some Iowa fans get mad at us for even noticing. "It's like you're pooping in the woods and someone looks." ---Jason Kirk, football genius, giving us the perfect analogy for this. --A discussion of relevant airplane drinking --Okay we're done discussing Iowa --NOPE. Ryan goes off on Iowa extending Kirk Ferentz to a contract that none of us understand, but that Ryan REALLY doesn't understand. --Okay Ryan goes on for a while longer about this, and we point out other coaches who did what Ferentz did and got fired. Hi, Mark Richt! --A lengthy discussion of how having a child will not make Ryan a better, more mature person, and also that one time Spencer yelled at a pair of FSU fans in front of his children. Also calling Florida State fans "headcrab-ass people", which is to be expected here. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown full cast. We are here to discuss the upcoming week of college football. Did you say we are here? I think I did. We're not even going to do that again if I said we're are here. God, you couldn't, week two is so bad you couldn't even get through the second sentence of the intro. Use them here to discuss college goodball. this is the shutdown full cast i am spencer hall currently having a stroke on air

joining me from brooklyn new york ryan nanny uh hello ryan that's just that signature new york asshole that just you know it's part of our culture it's it's endearing beloved you can't get mad of me you guys invented it yep we invented being dicks right right right i think you got to go what are you going to do yeah And that's the New York word for, I'm a dick, right? Hey, hey. At the end of the day, we're all, we're all getting paid. Not by this podcast, let me make that perfectly clear.

Yeah, no, we've got a ways to go to get even marginally paid here. We're going to need a lot of iTunes. Yeah, if somebody wants to go back and add up all the hours, just recording hours we've spent on let's figure out how much how much we to each have to get at this point just to get minimum wage how about we go to we go to jim bank off and try to try to bill him for this podcast and and see how hard he laughs i think we could reasonable i think we could reasonably ask $73 total total or each each no i mean i think we can i think we're good for yeah $73 each uh but did give us a valuation um so if anyone out there is interested in in sponsorships

you know um bud might be our agent because he has sold podcast ads before his his fs u null cast which i believe is called null cast has ads for like uh local hot sauce or something like that and and various other stuff so just speak with our representative bud elliott it's true if he's following real florist state fashion he'll just uh first happen negotiation so it's not go real well for bud then he comes roaring back just lay and wait just lay and wait god we did it we did we did a whole recap episode before the texas notre dame game and the florida state old miss game oh do you want to take a second laugh about that i'm ready yeah okay yeah i'm ready it's rich it's rich y'all which ones okay which is the more amusing of the two

Oh, the more amusing of the two is I far Notre Dame pleasing Because I don't mind Texas being good I don't They're one of those teams That as a polarity in college football I'm okay with that current I like it when they're good

I like their colors I like their cow We like their coach I just I love their coach Like generally speaking I've liked their coaches in the past Even Mac Brown Mac Brown was genial enough

And he certainly was easy to make fun of. He liked Beyonce. He can't be all bad. He had it on his iPod. Oh, Vince put it there for me. She's from Houston. I'm not sure which high school. Fine, coach, I'm sure.

I recruited her as the third girl in Destiny's Child. That may be true. I really don't know. I want her to harmonize. No leads. And today they call her a shodney. No elites was one of the problems toward the end of the Mac Brown era.

We recruited Rihanna as a safety. We were nice to you for roughly a minute and a half, Texas. But, hey, I'm also glad Texas was, this was the first Texas game in a long while where it was fun to watch Texas football. It wasn't always clean. It wasn't always clean or organized or good, but it was fun.

oh yeah this team this team has eight and four entertainment written all over it but nine and three quality as everyone will recall right i still say nine and three because watching them play they just the running backs the performance of the quarterbacks within that system and the way that they seem to comfortable running and they have a goal line package called the 18 wheeler it's pretty good which i think one drive somewhere in there they used it for the entirety of the field. They did the Madden thing where you just call goal line

for an entire quarter. And no fame failed to call punt black over and over again on those plays. Right. Charlie Strong after the game said that that was basically... Run one.

Yeah, Run one. QB Run one. They just called that the whole time because the goal was to punish them. Like, how great is that that after being beat? Remember, do you happen to remember the score of this game last year? I think we said it was 38.3? Yeah?

Uh-huh, yeah. It was one of Texas's worst losses since, like, I believe, Route 66. Well, that's how. I mean. UCLA. Yeah, okay. I feel like that BYU game is up there, too, but go ahead. I think they actually managed to score a little bit in that game. Sure, nobody remembers. Yeah. You know, it's just what it's. We have that erased. That's not the part we remember about that game.

Not available on L.A. They got revenge. They did the thing. They almost, they really tried hard not to. The blocked extra point returned for the tying at the time two points. If you had no stakes in the game whatsoever, that was the funniest fucking shit all weekend in college football. Just the absolute,

It would kind of be like watching an Indiana Jones movie And he gets through the whole thing You know swings over pits and fights guys with swords And rides a mind cart And then you see him like get on the plane at the end And he just has a heart attack and dies Yeah that was the happy jump sad jump moment For all of college football in week one was yes no no

No, no. It was good. We put an immediate reversal of fortune this was. Think about it like this, though. Something went really, really wrong for Texas, and Texas didn't lose. That's true. And fold. Things didn't go completely off the rails.

They were punched in the mouth over and over again to use the announcer cliche. And at no point did they feel out of it, did they feel like they were just, you know, going to go completely haywire, you know, stayed composed, play their asses, off the entire game. I mean, this team's really, really easy to root for. Yeah. At no point, by the way, did we assume that Texas couldn't shoot their way back into this? Thanks, Brian, that corner.

Very on brand. Shoot if it's Shane in a quarterback or, like, punch if it's swoops. Yeah. At no point did anyone say, yeah, I don't think this offense is get it done. No, that wasn't the case at all. it was magnificent you know and that goes by the way

like I love just as a personal thing I love watching a spread run attack absolutely beat the crap out of somebody which is what Texas managed to do out of their new fancy Baylor inspired spread attack because the announcers are saying man they're just bombing this ball down the field

it's exciting well yeah you can do that when you've actually established a legitimate play action threat And with a lot of, with a lot of aggressive tempo, too. Oh, yeah. And Dante Foreman, oh, oh, man, he's smashy. He's real fun to watch. I do want to, I said it on Twitter, so I'm going to go ahead and say it on the record here. I like Deshaun Kaiser.

He's fun to watch. Oh, man. He's really talented and why he didn't play basically every snap in that, offensive snap in that game for Notre Dame. I don't know. I really do not. well i mean it wasn't i mean what what do you have to say he was that indicates he was a productive passer besides five ts what do you have to say uh for his production on the ground other than a t d 77 yards rushing sure and you need to stop using science and reason and this empirical evidence

and just use faith you know do the do the Notre Dame thing you use just faith in the bright red man on the sideline faith alone faith alone is not the catholic thing though true we need we need we need good we need good works and if you look at what malik say or did so so so so so an offense without fruit is dead but speaking of dead oh miss oh miss that was that was that was honestly brutal when i don't want you to play to type

and you play the type so hard when I don't want to assume that well you know I got a 21 point lead here you won't blow that no no you won't just blow that you'll give up 33 33 oh

this was playing the type in the in the sense of like Lindsay Lohan gets cast as Judy Garland in a movie about her life Jesus God damn right this is well how far do you make it 17 minutes this time

on my clock um this was it was like old miss is 2014 and 2015 crammed into about 20 minutes this is clif oh this was cliff's notes old miss you don't have time you don't have time to read the whole book here here's old miss this is the last hundred years old miss football or the last two or the last one pick really any time span uh and it was that jammed into a quarter and a half or so like um yeah it went bad real fast that they actually finished with negative yards for the third quarter god that's hard i mean it's even it's even harder because they barely had the ball like the idea of them having any yardage positive or negative they barely had the damn ball yep and let's see pass first super aggressive high tempo offense with zero run game how'd that go

quick lead yep uh did did you cough that lead up oh boy yeah you you caught that lead up bad like a dog full of grass still still can't run the ball can you this is year four year five for old miss haven't had a running game like had signs of one last year well i like that hugh freeze in the press conference afterwards was like yeah you know even though we couldn't run the ball i feel if we had avoided turnovers and does he have any inkling of the idea that if you have a run game the past defense can't just sit back the whole time? When these things work together?

Maybe then your quarterback isn't sacked four and a half times by the same guy and he's not throwing into a five-star secondary. Yeah, at least not without the sort of, you know, he didn't make him hesitate. By the way, not exactly the problem. Even on a lacklustre night that Dalvin Cook had,

old missed had a real good job beating him up, beating him up good. And it didn't matter because oh look Florida State has a freshman quarterback who can throw for 400 yards and who yeah old mess by the way that's secondary a mess and it got worse after they lost their starting corner right their defensive line is good but defensive line it did it deserves something better out of that game because at no point did you know did it look like the defensive line wasn't doing everything it could no even and honestly like even once

they got adjustments and started to chip with running backs and started to change protections. They still got pressure on Francois. They just didn't wallop them like they did in the first half. But that secondary is going to be a mess. Here's a fun part. There's no one on the SEC West who can take, like the SEC West keeps running to the bottom

in every single way with complimentary weaknesses, right? Like, well, Old Miss has no past defense. And that means they'll be vulnerable to no one. No one. Yep. Not even Alabama, really. Like, if you look at it, because who knows how good they're passing game is.

Alabama passed 18 times this weekend. I have no clue whether they can actually move the ball through the air. Yeah, Ole Miss, you'll be fine. You'll win eight or nine games, and please don't get your hopes back up. We can't see you get up off the mat again. Just win eight or nine games in the quietest possible way, please. Chad Kelly's fun, though.

He's fun for both. He's fun for both teams. yeah now that we've laid a nice foundation of depression and sadness killed killed some time let's talk about week two let me let me address by the way week two jason what are you going to be doing week two so um as i've stated before on this program i'm a full-time college football media person if there's college football on tv i am at my computer in front of it either uh helping cover it or or or helping people themselves cover it or what have you it's it's my full-time go-to job it puts food on the table it's it's just a huge part of my life i'm not going to watch a single minute of it on this

saturday um i'm going to be at the dungeon family thing in in it in Atlanta um outcast andre's going to be there um future might be there if i mean if it's dungeon family you got at future uh gody mob anderson pack i didn't even look at the rest of the bill um but uh yeah i'm i'm I'm going to watch one college football game this week. There's not anything on Thursday. I'm going to watch Louisville Syracuse on Friday night. That will be it. I'll catch up Sunday morning.

That is the caliber of this weekend. I told Brian Floyd, who's on the podcast with us at this time, I told him, hey, man, can I go ahead and cash in the rest of my vacation days and do this? And, you know, just let the kids are in it. Because week two sucks, you know, and he's like, oh, sure, just put Roger Sherman in charge. He didn't say that. But that's kind of what I did. So, yeah, we put Roger Sherman in charge.

All of these things are evidence of, you know. And we have, this will also be a week, and we have two new people starting for us. So welcome. This is what we do. This is how seriously we take week two. Yeah. For week two. Happy to have you, Richard Morgan.

Sorry we made to do this. Yep. This week two is officially the SUV with a bad, like, ball joint and one real terrible shaky ax. We're just going to let the high schoolers. All the seatbelts are so hot, so hot. Yeah, so congratulations, y'all. Have fun with it, because Jason's not going to be doing that. Week two, week two ain't shit.

It's not real great. Let's be honest. I could try to cushion the blow by pointing out some interesting ones. No, we're making things up here, okay? Because there's very little in the way of anything of interest. So if you were planning to, I don't know, have a wedding, just to announce it now. do it now this is a great weekend for it that no fall wedding shit does not apply to week too that's what they don't tell you that's what they don't want you to know yeah they don't want you to have a wedding

a week too but you should it because no ranked teams are playing you got oh what louisville play syracuse that'll be interesting for two quarters it's also having a wedding in week two would be a really good way to sort out who your actual friends are because if somebody says oh man I would love to But I have tickets to Louisiana Monroe At Oklahoma Like fuck that friend

That friend sucks I think we're done Like what is the Okay go through all the ranked games Can we find Five potential upsets Of a non-ranked team Against a ranked team

Nope Are you kidding me? Can you find three So Louisville Syracuse That's a road game That is the only, only ranked team going on the road. Syracuse, Syracuse looked very good, week one against nobody. Louisville looked very good, week one against nobody as well.

Arkansas at TCU. TCU looked like shit in week one, but so did Arkansas. So did Arkansas. El Asico. El Asico! Anything goes in that game. Virginia Tech at Tennessee. Yeah, which is rank, right?

Well, not at Tennessee, sir. or excuse me Virginia Tech in Tennessee Bristol Motor Speedway Which uh Check around our Our website When you listen to this

Because we might have a cool video on this Yep Yeah might have a cool video Might have some people on the ground You know We might have Frank Beamer But uh I think that's it Four

Four games that ranked teams Could remotely possibly lose I don't know Maybe SMU Baylor goes completely completely haywire, but... Also, like, that's kind of a technicality I'm a Virginia tech, because that's... That's a major v. Major.

Right? Should Tennessee really be ranked? I get what you're saying. Yeah, you can interpret it that way, too. That tickles my ivories just as well. I would also, like, that Arkansas TCU game, I mean, we're all waiting for Arkansas to have some sort of early season flop, but it was

disturbing watching TCU versus Jack Rabbits of South Dakota State. It really was. It was one of those. What are you doing this? Why are you letting this happen? That in the Florida game were happening at the same time.

And this one was just far more concerning. Florida, we don't expect any better of you. No, we've seen this. Ryan and I both reduced to silence. It's the right reaction. It's a healthy reaction. don't talk about it we realized that the sentence wasn't even worth finishing no hey um like most florida drives um um how about virginia at oregon is what are you talking about they just lost their

richmond that starts at 10 30 10 30s no i don't even i mean this week is so bad that might be a top 10 game yeah that might be one of the 10 best games of the weekend Oregon beating Virginia by like 64 to 36 or something like that. Yeah, I mean, am I going to say, they're like, I have to make things up. I have to say, oh, look, Tulsa, Iowa State's going to be interesting for 10 minutes. Tulsa will probably put up as many point in green. Michigan does step up the competition this week. Vastly step up the competition.

And I'm being serious when I say this. Michigan is ramping up the difficulty about three levels to play at 0 and 12 last year. Thank you, Michigan, for almost your seat. I do.

What? A Michigan man does not darts. Does not haste. Just not haste into the football season? I will. Part of me will keep an eye on Akron at Wisconsin just to see if the badgers can totally waste

all of the goodwill from one of the biggest wins they've had in recent memory. I got money on that. If LSU beats Jacksonville State, just takes it out, beats the shit out of Jacksonville State. But, Wisconsin loses to Akron. Fireless Miles? Yeah, I think so.

Fireless Miles. Again, who's going to fire him? Can I point you to another one? Another one where we're just making up interest, right? Not actually a good matchup, but who knows? I don't know. maybe something will happen you never know you should tune in it's crazy

Wyoming at Nebraska oh my god okay well Craig bowl taking it out on his the bad blood at Nebraska folks he'll really let him have it great I only I only said this is mildly interesting because I don't actually know if Nebraska's any good I don't think they know either so that's okay cool this will certainly be the game that'll tell us though Um, yeah, this is... It could tell us if they're bad.

I am a little... Yeah, go ahead. Well, I was just going to say, how many U.S.Cs do we think WKU will put up on Bama? Do you think they can do three? Three, um... I think they could probably put up like five. I'm going to put five, man. Five?

That's 30 points. Sure. No, they're not putting up three. Okay. Yeah. They're not putting up 30. They could put up, I could see them putting up 17. That'd be three USC's.

Yeah. Yeah, sure. There are a couple of late games that are just interesting. They're not interesting. I'm just saying that. But Washington State at Boise State. Oh, no, no, no. Hey, that's good.

That's a good one. There's an actual. You can have a dual. No, there's a good one late. Are you going to say Cal at San Diego State? No, no, no. Spencer's going Texas Tech Arizona State. Okay.

You're damn right. You're damn right I am because I bet Texas Tech, I bet Texas Tech lays waste to them. Okay. In a game that will push Clip Kingsbury's hype to 2012 levels. I don't even, yeah. We're struggling. Can we take a question?

This sucks. I hate this. I'm telling you, I'm trying to get you excited about Pat Mahomes. It's just not. It's just not. Come on. We can do this. Come on.

No. Let's take a break. Please. No. From Heather Carpenter on Twitter, H.C. 1015. Flying from Paris to Rio. So specific. What shitty alcohol plain beverage best shares with El Asico.

Can I be honest about... Specificity of this question. I mean, I do want to answer this question, but I don't consider this year's game El Asico. Cannon. Is that because Iowa State is breaking out a new coat? Is that because Iowa State just lost to an FCS team? Yeah. And Kirk Farrant just got an extension?

I think Iowa State is too bad for this to be considered Elassico Cannon. Fuck you say? Sir, sir, sir. Look, I don't feel good about this. None such. I've lost friendships over this game, all right? You literally have. I mean, friendships is a stretch, but.

Now, I just, I don't, I mean, okay, there is one, the extension is the one reason I am willing to consider El Asico potential here. Let us pull back, if you are listening for the first time. Or if you need a refresher course, El Asico, this is our term based on the classic Real Madrid, Barcelona rivalry El Classico, we decided that the Iowa and Iowa State game, which usually devolves into a pitter and ineptly fought battle of Knuckles, knees, elbows, and everything but football skill. First of 15 wins. First of 15 wins. Just a deplorable history

of two teams that despise each other, never really being able to get off a great shot. Like watching two fifth graders. Yeah. Right. It's like watching two fifth graders to try to throw haymakers. They never quite land. Okay.

And nobody wins a fight in fifth grade because nobody can actually punch. And that's kind of what El Asico is all about. This has, by the way, enraged no fewer than seven Iowans we know that we refer to this game as El Asico.

Mind you, none of them are Iowa State people. It's always Iowa people who are not actually enraged by us, condescending city folk that we are, I all. They're not enraged by that. Exactly. They're not enraged by that.

They're enraged by us noticing that Iowa always manages to go into this game and get dragged by its nostrils into a fight that it's much better it's like much too good for and that Iowa State manages that people know they play Iowa State why are you watching

this is private it's like if you're pooping in the woods and somebody looks or something I'm a medical doctor it doesn't matter where I poop I have a prescription for this yeah that's maybe you're just mad for us just watching i won't i don't know this is a private family matter

little privacy please don't email me or my little brother ever again yeah i don't know why you get mad about this especially at us because it's not like we're gonna it's not like doing this from a position of superiority no we We watch teams that are just as bad or get involved in worse. I mean, shit, we're going to watch a Florida Kentucky game this same day that maybe will crack 35 points total. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like, it's bad. It's real bad.

In addition to that, we have for years watched the cocktail party. We've watched Georgia, Florida. Have you ever watched that game? it's three and a half hours of football food poisoning. Terrible. Don't watch it. It's not a great rivalry. Nobody's better for it.

Everyone hates it. And even the winner just doesn't really want to play it. We should just play LSU twice. Or, or Georgia and Florida alternate every year. One of them plays Iowa. One of them plays Iowa State. The world's largest, the world's largest outdoor ass. that'd be fine bring them but love that but yeah don't don't don't get too bad about it so what would

you drink if you were going to what's the proper so so what so yeah the question was what what terrible airplane drink is is appropriate for this i think yeah the two part question what is if you drink on a plane what is your go-to uh and if you were drinking on a plane on a budget what would be your go-to. Okay, okay. So let me give you this. I'm looking at Delta's beverage list right now. Okay.

And I'm assuming that we're in Iowa, we kind of want to be in character, but we're not sticking to beer because that's the obvious answer. Right. So we want to go to a liquor that is definitely Iowa, Iowa State grade, right? So if I'm just going to be real upfront about it,

I think what you have to do is go with the Finlandia vodka, which is far cheaper than you think it is. Yeah, I thought you were going to go Cutty Sark, maybe, but I don't know if they are. No, they don't, they do not have Cutty Sark. I can give you, you might also want to go for, if you possible, maybe just something real disgusting, where you're just, like, screw it, I'm just going to drink all of these airplane bottles of Bailey's Irish cream. That's the other.

Yeah, to me, it's less about what you drink and more about when. If you've ever been on an air, like a morning flight somewhere, that wasn't that, even one that wasn't that far, like a two hour flight, and you saw somebody order like two bottles of seagrams, many bottles of seagrams and drink that without coffee, without anything else, that's just what they had. And they didn't seem particularly happy about it, but it was this perplexing ritual that was part of their life that they couldn't understand or leave. That's Iowa, Iowa State. yeah also if you're an iowa state fan you're drinking amaretto sorry it's just life got rough and you ended up with three airplane bottles of amaretto that's how it happened why do i get this for every father's day i don't understand drink it life's a cyclone ride it i have a closet full of amaretto and toblerone sonica wallace would drink it drink what do you have in a corn yeah what do you have that's by the way just in case just to finish up and thought here what a majestic piece of irony could be built with a foundation supporting decades and decades of laughter if if to celebrate his contract extension kirk ferrance lost to this iowa state team the iowa state team that lost the u and i last week oh my god so if if kirk farence who is it now extended through 2026 when football might not exist anymore Still got to pay them, though. Is the worst team in Iowa?

I mean, in one of the articles I was reading about Kirk Farrant's extension, they did point out that in 2014, Iowa State opened with a loss to an FCS school. And what did they do after that? They turned around and beat that ass. That's what they did. Beat Iowa 20 to 17. Can we talk about this contract for a second? because it's fucking nuts

Yeah, no, no, I want our lawyer to talk about it Because I was reading through it and go And I was saying things Oh, you know, this is this seems unsound You'll be able to say it this authoritatively Like, like It's one of those contracts that put aside the Date and the total money on it

Because those are all in sports contracts generally Those are all Some restrictions apply except if you're Kirk Farrantz. So this contract is partially guaranteed. The buyout applies to, I think, the first five years of the deal. 100% of that, if they fire him, they got to pay everything they owe him. For the year 6 through 10, it's 50% guaranteed, unless in the first five years,

Kirk Ferrence wins how many games in a season? What lofty goal must Iowa reach for Kirk Farrants to be rewarded handsomely? Seven games. Every year that they win seven games, one year in his last five gets fully guaranteed. It's nuts. It's fucking, and I did a radio interview today, and I asked this question, and I don't have an answer. I would love for either of you to tell me, where the fuck was Kirk Farrant's going? Like, I get that you want to lock up a coach to be...

Look, everything the athletic director said at least makes theoretical sense. You think he's been an asset to the program. You think he does things the right way. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. We want to reward him. But the buyout is the part that is meant to discourage both sides from walking away, right? Where the fuck was Kirk Farrant's walking? there's the rumor every like four or five years that you know the kansas city chiefs might come knocking

we're putting an ankle monitor on a fucking shut in i don't get it it's it's it's absolutely fucking perplexing this this buyout stress especially because it's the exact same shit that they got killed for at the end of his contract not too long not like two years years ago so which year is it that he'll have to win a rose ball in order to re-up or excuse me i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry go to a rose bowl go to like there's the tipping point is it like 2020 2021 yeah i'm going to say the 2024 rose bowl that's when he's going to get another extension because like the buyout would be what six million at that point yeah something like that it's a bit much it's just i don't that's that's let's say 2022 to be safe okay that's fine um

it's fucking not i good for kirk ferrance man i it's at the point where i can't even make fun of him because an entire athletic department signed off and it's not even one of those things where the ad can be like well i inherited this contract and i intend to honor it blah blah like you you you signed up for this you signed up for this insane contract that like what are you even thinking here i'm i i love i love it for all the wrong reasons yeah i i yeah this is this is this is this is this is crap it's crap now i mean i don't know if i yeah can i can i add one more can i And one more thing? Sure.

So this article that I read, which I believe is in the Gazette, the Cedar Rapids Gazette, I think this is. It says that one reason behind this contract extension was that over the summer, Iowa recruiting folks were saying that people were using Kirk Farrants, possibly not being with the program long term, against Iowa on the recruiting trail. Kirk Farrants has been in Iowa since 1990 fucking nine who like how on earth are you telling people well you know Kirk Farrants might he's been there for fucking ever that's like telling it's like telling somebody well don't move to New York the garbage smell might go away you don't know what what also by the way what recruiting First of all, I reject the premise that anyone is actually recruiting against Iowa. It's just... What the, what the...

They have a five-star commit from the state of Texas right now, by the way. Look it up. See how long that'll last now that Texas is good again. But they do have a commit. I mean, sure, you've got to commit. What on earth... But if you're talking about recruiting being... That's not their cell.

Their cell has always been development. Yep. It's never been like, come to Iowa if you're already a five-star. No, they're this tiny. Now, I will say this too. We're joking about Kirk Farrant. Kirk Farrantz is a good coach. I'm not going to say great. I don't think empirically, that's what he is. He's one, he's, let's see, 128 and 87. That is a 670 winning percentage in the big 10. That qualifies as good. you're good yep don't make me go I'm not going overboard with that okay because guess how many

big 10 titles he's got he's got two guess when the last one was 2004 okay we'll say good and compared to

Iowa's standard other than you know the best years in Iowa's history very good good to very good in the context of Iowa I mean

how so here's the other thing how old is Kirk Farrant I'm going to look it up I won't just guess. No, no, he's 61. Okay, so... Perpetually 50. So now, if you're recruiting against Iowa in, I don't know, let's say two years from now,

wouldn't you just say, like, hey, if you go to Iowa, you're going to have to play for a 70-year-old man? What? You're not making anything up either, right? Like, by the way, like, if you wonder, sort of where Hayden Fry falls, and that he's 1.43.89 at 6 at Iowa. Okay. So I believe if you do the math, that's a better winning percentage. So those dudes not Hayden Fry.

Well, likely with tougher schedule. I mean, Hayden Fry, I mean, I think we would go great Hayden Fry. Sure. Yeah. Hayden Fry, by the way, also developed, like, every coach on the planet. Like, every coach. Literally, he hatched them and. fed them baby bird style

go look at the photo of the I think it's the 82 Iowa coaching staff you'll see you'll see Bob Stoops in there you'll see Ferrens in there look really closely you'll see like baby PJ Fleck in there you'll see like Lane Kiffin given another kid

of swirly in the background you got to look real close but you'll see all this stuff sure you'll see Bill Snyder rising from his third death you know Mark Rick's record of Georgia Do you do to Mark Rick's record, 146 and 51? Okay, and it's about a 77. So, first of all, a full 10 points higher in terms of winning percentage,

and what I would argue is a much tougher conference, okay? Maybe not right now, but historically, particularly at the time that Rick was there, all right? How many conference titles did he have? Two. More recent, by the way. than Kirk Perrinces. All right.

How many division titles did he have? He's got six of them. All right? Two-time coach of the year? Great dude. Like, outsized in terms of how awesome they thought Mark Rick was. Like Iowa sent a lot of dudes to the league? Did good things with talent?

Yeah, did great things with talent. Never quite enough. But, but, yeah, basically, like, better percentage. Tough for conference everything. That's what got Rick fired. Yeah. Was that record. So if this seems, so if there's some cognitive dissonance here.

And mind you, there's one word we haven't mentioned this entire time that starts with an A and ends with an M. That makes this look five times as ugly, stupid, misbegotten, greedy, and bass backwards. Do it. Do it. That'd be amateurism. Because we say we can't pay players. but we can give Kirk Farrants a good coach the kind of salary that you would give a legend.

Not just the salary, the number of years. The number of years. The control over the program. Like, I think Patrick Vint, formerly a blackheart gold pants, our close friend at Iowa, who actually still speaks with us, he was saying, like, there's nothing stopping him from appointing his son, basically. for this is this the way you want to do anything i do i do i mean sure he's good you can pay for good you can overpay for good i think you should pay 60 000 for a honda civic you go right at i want to

i want to end we can move on but i do want to say one last thing i just want to quote kirk ferrance um a lot of people look at this deal and they say okay well it takes you it expires in january 2026 when as we said you will be a well past retirement age this is your last contract um when asked about this at the press conference kirk ferrance said i'm not sure i want to put a cap on anything i'm not big on putting caps on things kirk ferrins we know we watched the rose bowl last year Woo! Let's take another question. This question comes from Chris...

Chris Barnabaw at Coach, that family. Chris Barnabaw at Chris Barnaball on Twitter. If every week of college football, we're sticking with the theme here, were a drinking game, what would this week's be? And I have an answer. The answer is, week two is a little drinking game called, Minefield. Have either of you ever played this game? No, I don't

play games. A drinking son. Okay, thanks, Dad. Yeah, no, same. I'll be in the basement. I've got some serious drinking to do. Mindfield is a game where you set out a bunch of shock glasses. You fill

most of the, you fill a bunch of them with water, and you fill the rest of them with gin or vodka or Everclear, 151, something. Okay, okay. And you take two participants who were not privy to the pouring process, and they just randomly take these shots one at a time. And so you might get, each time, you don't know if you're getting water,

or you're just drinking a shot of Everclear. And it's the unpreparedness factor of it that really matters because week two is mostly going to be water. It's just going to be flat and boring and do nothing for you. to the extent there will be excitement in week two it's going to be unexpected 151 it's going to burn and you're not going to be prepared for it and you were going to wish you had done anything else so every single thing about this the saturday that you will remember uh will hurt yeah basically damn well my question is genteel in comparison but this it's from john shaw at change thought Chainsaw 511. His bio says he's the CEO of Twitter.

I don't think that's accurate. Prove him wrong. Wow. I'll try. This is the question of all of us. How dumb am I for doing fantasy college football? This is a complex question because the number one advantage you have is information. If you actually are the person in this who's talked to other people foolishly into doing this,

and you're the one who pays attention to games, you're the one who watched Wyoming beat Northern Illinois, Illinois in overtime, go pokes, then you might have an information advantage in terms of who to pick up. Because, for instance, if I'm looking at Texas Tech Arizona State, might pick up Patma Holmes. Because I know he's going to throw the ball a zillion times because college football has systems like that. I know that he's probably going to get a lot of opportunities to do that. Arizona State struggled with Northern Arizona last week to start the season. And I know that he's got a coaching staff that will let him just keep throwing. even if it doesn't make much sense in terms of how the games managed.

So I might want to pick him up. If you're the only person in that group who knows that, great. If not, it's a fantasy game. You could just be so screwed, not even know it. I just, I mean, the reason I stopped playing fantasy football, the traditional NFL variety, was it got very tiring, caring about things that didn't actually matter to me. Like, who scored a rushing touchdown for the Colts?

That didn't happen very often, but let's say. and I can't imagine applying, that's within a very limited context. I can't imagine looking at like, I'll just pick one off the list here. Shit, I can't imagine caring about who scores in the Kentucky Florida game,

much less how, much less why. Like, I already have to care about this game at some base level, but I can't, I really can't think about like, oh man, if only Luke Del Rio had thrown that touchdown somewhere else instead of to that like no i just i i don't need that in my life i also don't need more paperwork you barely you barely do what's required of you and you you think that's a matter of

option right you think that's because i have decided to do this much paperwork no that's as much as I can do. Spencer's already six weeks behind on his fantasy personal finance team, so. Exactly. Like, I've tried to play fantasy football. I get so bored because apparently it's a matter of rearranging names and a grid. And you know what that is? It's paperwork.

That's work. Fantasy football is, it is work. That's why people make Excel spreadsheets for their fantasy football research and shit. and that's all it is by the way like in case the idea of a spreadsheet horrifies you like it does me then they go no no no no no here you can just

Yahoo has this great interface you can just move your players around oh in cells so this is just a fancy spreadsheet with my friends in it you're putting players in cells so you're not this is mass incarceration

so you're not an Auburn fan then that's exist No, ma'am. That is, yeah, I'm not going to do that. By the way, like, and even if I tried, this is how bad I am at it. Even if I tried, I would just mess up some weeks and forget that a person had a buy. I did that all the time. Be like, yeah, sure, I got Peyton Manning.

It would be great. Let's put Peyton Manning in there. Look back. Oh, he's got a buy. Didn't you notice that? The word buy is next to his name, and I'm like, I thought it was just, no. Yeah, no. Bye.

Bye. Here's the mnemonic device. Bye. Yeah. That tells you, by the way, how long it's been since I played fantasy football. I just cited a retired player back when he was effective. I mean, college fantasy football sounds more appealing to me than pro fantasy football, and not just because I'm more of a college fan and know a lot more about college football these days.

just because it feels like there are fewer there are fewer obviously correct answers like in pro football you should play Aaron Rogers well no fucking shit you should play Aaron Rogers like obviously like in our game anything could go wrong

I mean I guess it it might start to feel like a coin flip or a roll of the dice or whatever but it just it just feels you know you have that wild hunch that like oh this is the week that Kansas State's quarterback goes for 125 yards passing

and we really pay some bills shit I would have thought I would have thought a game where passing touchdowns and stats mattered more than when loss record would have been perfect for a falcons fan I'm surprised we didn't have to we didn't have to take it to this level but yeah well I could do that I feel

I feel real mean today I'm sorry I you know I can I talk about why I think that is I have a lot of, I have a lot of, like, so college football season for me, I think it's no secret, is largely about hate, like fun-loving, healthy hate, and just hating on other people's failures and misfortunes. But I watched the Florida State first half, the Notre Dame game, a lot of these teams that normally I'd be so happy to hate on, and I just didn't have it in me this time, and I'm worried him sick. Are you going to have to switch to the dark side And try to find happiness I don't know Are you going to have because that's my thing

I get happy I love love I mean I enjoy failure Particularly when it comes to certain You know Certain mother loads of hatred That I can continue to mine Year after year after year

They just they're inexhaustible So you either need You either need new veins New minds. Or you need to do what really sustains me, which is great happiness is. Get on that Houston train at this point. Oh, man, you should get on that Houston train.

Tom Herman's out here doing, Tom Herman, we joked in the mag that he OD on Co-DNs just to show how hardcore he was about, you know, Houston, about being from things. He's this close to doing it. He's so close. Tom Herman, Tom Herman would do anything to get a positive recruiting notice.

anything I hope those words never come back to buy this um I'm I am assuming that my my body is trying to let go of this hate because of the impending arrival of a child and it's like trying to say like no no no don't pass this poison off to somebody else but I will say if Uteb beats Texas all bets it off I mean Spencer and I have a combined three children we don't have this problem so I think you'll get over it I do kind of back when my kid was born I sort of like had this few months spell where it was like wow I'm a new person you know like I like call people to tell them how I feel about them and like and and I did that shit can you believe it and like um you know there's all that stuff and then and you know so that's a long way of saying you'll get over it man okay you'll just you'll just you'll just slide back into the same hateful mediocrity. Funny story. So I may have told this to you before, but remember this is the point where I realized that

I was not a better person that parenthood had not changed me in the least, and that I was due to pass on my negative behaviors unto death and passed through the gift of genetics when I saw two Goober-ass Florida State fans immediately after Oregon had pasted them in the playoff. Where were you? It's important to know where you were. The Atlanta Zoo. And with whom were you there? My entire family.

Okay, please continue. Please continue. And I saw them walking in. And it is just bad because they looked at me, and I'm sure they thought, gay hippie. We know, whatever sort of, whatever sort of Nixonian, like, Trump voter, like, you know, crab brain speak, goes through a florist. state man mind when they see me right they're like i bet he shops at costco like draft dodging

deviant yeah like whatever terrible haircut minded crap a floristate fan is going to think right before they attempt to slam the DVD of big bang theory into the vCR right like why are it working these are the these are the people who say i bet he eats pussy and they mean it as a term of denigration I bet he cares about the pleasure of a woman I bet he's not a selfish lover all right so you love you love you bud

you see these two Florida state people and we're pushing a stroller by the way so three four state people or they had contraband. I would point out, by the way, that I had my two children with me, so in true Florida passion, I had outscored them.

So I, walking past them, I have, in years past, it should be noted. In years, but listen, I'll take up rent in the past. That's fine. That's fine. Happy to do it. So I was walking past them with no identifying team gear on while they were completely kidded out. I mean, full kit wanker, both of them.

okay wife and husband because that was the other element of the story and i think that's what really took me off because i just think it's the lamest thing on the world when couples match at all i think it's the lamest thing in the world when somebody has their girl and their avie like you know you live together you don't have to like this theatrical partnership it's just it's unbecoming it just makes me think less of you especially when you bring your bad opinions into my mentions with your girl or your dude there right like they didn't do they didn't don't you don't have to co-sign on all of this badness right be your own moron yeah those are some bad those some bad loans you're putting their name on exactly so anyway i see them and

they see me and i mean they just give me this look like they hated me on site which is cool that's fine um but they were wearing florist state gear so i just took note of that and what possessed me to do this other than the weakness in my soul which i thought had gone from me the minute I became a responsible father and citizen. Nope. They passed me and about three feet when they're past me I just raised my fists in the air and go, go

Docs! Like as loud as I possibly could. And it takes them a full like 20 feet to think of a rejoinder, which was no championships but it took them like, it was so bad. It took them like 20 feet. I mean it took a while.

It took them so long to come up with not even a proper rejoinder. like nothing matter if you lose that badly to a team yo I gotta go to the past let me go to the closet dig this out hold on you stay right here

I know my gun's in here somewhere because the Florida State fan doesn't know where their guns kept in their house that's another one it's in the fridge it's in the frame

you gotta keep it cold like justice you gotta keep it cold like justice