Shutdown Fullcast - Shutdown Fullcast 4.4.0

Episode Date: February 17, 2016

This week's episode of the Fullcast tackles the following oases of content in the otherwise barren landscape of mid-February: --Spencer comes back from vacation to realize that the LSU football program does actually have a very thin chance of not happening next year due to Louisiana's budget stupidities --A discussion of which coach has the most hidden debt (hint: the answer is based exclusively on a coach's sweatiness) --A nightmarish proposal to mash certain fanbases and schools together into one horrible misbegotten beast-nation --Which football coach is the Tom Crean of this sport? There's a lot of Tom Crean discussion in here, and man oh man is that fun --The ultimate plan to survive coaching sixteen games in the NFL without any experience of any sort. Ryan thinks he could go 6-10 with the Dolphins! We do not. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown fullcast. Oh, boys, oh, boys, I'm back from vacation. This is Spencer Hall, by the way. I'm editorial director of SB Nation. Founder Vita Day should be Saturday. I do stuff. Joining me, Ryan Nanny from Brooklyn. Say hi.

Hello. How are you? How was the beach? It was great. It was a little cold, but you can do a lot of stuff on the beach when it's cold. Let me introduce. I'll tell you all about that. Since we introduced our third party,

be Jason Kirk live from Kennesaw, Georgia. Say hi, Jason. What's your name, man? He's going to talk about... Everybody already said their name. I don't... It's just unnecessary. It's from a popular musical, Ryan?

I don't... Alexander Hamilton. I only watch plays. Do you guys want to talk about plays? Football plays? Most... I mean, some of those, sure. I'm the damn fool who shot him. I watch Halfback dive.

I watch that play action post X Delta That's beautiful I did go to the beach I am fresh back for the beach It was cold We flew kites

My kids got in the water Against their But they don't have better judgment Against orders and screaming They still got in the water There's a lot of things you can do At the beach You can read

That's all I did I just sat around and read Like ate and drank too much So that was it I did need to level level up. I was feeling a little low in my caucasity. That's the Orson Welles way to go to the beach. I read and I had dined on cheesecake.

It is, right? Actually, that doesn't sound like Orson. I dined on cheesecake. Orson Wells, I could picture going to like the French Riviera and never popping, even coming close to even taking his hat off, much less his shirt. Oh, no, the shirt was not coming off. He'd maybe untuck the ascot a little. You know what? Be honest, that doesn't sound too bad.

Oh, God, I burn, I burn like nothing, so of course, that sounds perfect for me. That's, like, I'm going to keep my hat on. If you don't mind, I'm just going to stay here and eat these oysters. You will watch. Yes. Let me tell you about the time on touch of evil when I ate an entire, no, I'm not even going to continue doing it. My worst and else is that bad. But, yeah, I need to level up the caucus.

Cassidy. So in addition to that, I went to Seaside. If you haven't been to Seaside, Florida, it's the acclaimed architectural marvel and planned community that is maybe the whitest place I've ever been. I like the name of Seaside, because it's already like a built-in way to throw off the cops. Be like, where were you last night? Seaside? And technically they might think you mean the area, like the specific area, but you could have just been by the ocean. And Technically, you have not misled the police. It sounds like something from Bioshock. Yeah.

It is. It looks like something from Bioshock. And just like Bioshock, there really aren't any visible cops. But you should grab any needle you find. Oh, crap me. I said, just jam it in your face. Do you want to take this potentially mutating? Yes.

Yes. Well, do you know what it does? No, I don't care. Powers. It will give me powers. It'll give me more powers. Dang it. So I did that, and I came home in time to watch the dog show.

So really, I'm full up. My gas tank's full of caucusity. How y'all been? Jason, what's been going on in college football while I've been out eating cheesecake? LSU is they're leaving. They're leaving the sport. Louisiana doesn't have any money, so nobody can go to school, including the student athletes.

And if the student athletes can't go to school, they can't play football. I mean, it is appropriate that O'Dell Beckham Jr.'s college would be entering receivership, so. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Hmm. So can we, can I rewind, and can we explain a little bit how, uh, how this might have even come to be a possibility, which I think all three of us will agree. This is not actually a possibility.

Oh, I, I'm willing to entertain more, more. So, so Jason, you stop me if I'm getting any of this. wrong. The state of Louisiana has a deep budget problem to the tune of I think this year a shade under a billion dollars and next year somewhere around the projection of two billion dollars in the whole. LSU's athletic department is a separate entity from the university, at least in terms of finances. And in fact, they, I think by virtue of some other state law, they give the university something like $7 million a year minimum. So there is no issue that the state itself can't fund LSU football.

That is not true. What is true is that the state may not be able to fund school. LSU school. And if you can't fund LSU school, you can't have LSU student athletes. Yeah, it's really more of an NCAA thing than a LSU football funding thing. Because, like, if there was some way for LSU's athletic department to declare itself an institution of learning, then they could keep going indefinitely. And they'd have more money to spend on coaches like Jimbo Fisher. But because they have to prop up LSU, the university, and because due to NCAA rules, you have to have grades to play football, that's where it all falls apart.

Well, in some sense, this may help them get Jimbo Fisher because, you know, if they don't have student athletes, they're not spending money on travel, they're not spending money on training table. that's you know you just add that to the war chest throw that at jimbo next year i was going to say listen this is just going to end up with some sort of like somali warlord situation where jimbo's in charge of the state but i do so like i do know from the broader perspective that i i think it's sort of the louisiana equivalent of the florida bright future scholarship or it's the hope scholarship in georgia right right yeah it's uh yeah so that just that just got cut So there are a bunch of students in Louisiana schools right now who had that for the first semester and do not have it for spring term. Yeah, and, you know, we don't want to sound like we're making light of the hardship.

Oh, no, that sucks a lot. The states we come from, this is a sort of thing we're often on familiar with. And if we approach it as just a sports thing, then it's funny. But, yeah, there are very serious ramifications for lots and lots of people, especially those who are at smaller. schools in LSU, such as, you know, grambling and nickel state have already been, like, if affected already, not just hypothetically.

Louisiana Tech is out here losing commits because of it. Yeah, let's be clear on this, by the way. If we didn't laugh about it, we'd cry. And crying is really bad audio. We could try it. We can talk to somebody about getting better rigs for that.

No, that's not going to happen. Be honest. I mean, Adela has made a lot of money. off of it. LSU ain't the only one with budget problems. That's true. This podcast budget is zero. So, we're,

technically we're ahead of Louisiana, I guess. We're not in debt. Yeah, that's, we are, we are more sustainable for the next two years than the state of Louisiana.

Yeah. So this is all Bobby Jindal, right? Just him being an idiot? Um, it's, it's less Bobby Jindal being an idiot and more Bobby Jindal. I, I'll say this and hopefully this won't piss anybody off, but. No, no, no, preach it.

Bobby Jindle did some shit because he thought it would make him look great as a presidential candidate. And, well, Bobby Jindal, you put a second mortgage on the house so that you could start a T-C-B-Y. And then turned out nobody cared about yogurt anymore. Yogurt's over. Yolgit's over. And by yogurt, I mean, like, you know, people wanting health care. They do. Yeah, or so you're trying to tell me the giant statue of Bobby Jindle made of crawfish shells?

Bad idea. Not great. And also, it's Bobby Jindal. It drew so many birds. No one thought about the birds. Let the birds vote. The birds. They think he's doing a fine job.

He built an enormous snack for us. His real constituents. Bird welfare. Birds are an important voting block in Louisiana. bought and paid for by the bird industrial complex. So having heard this, Brian Annie. Big bird. Big bird is coming for you. Big bird.

Big bird is behind this election. So having heard this what? You actually think this is a possibility that it might not even be in the athletic department's hands that LSU might not have a football team? That is a by percentage probable scenario. I suspect the answer will be that all of the state universities have to undergo serious budget constraints. and things will suck at these universities in a lot of ways. Classes will probably get bigger. A amenities on campus will have to go down.

Whatever. There will be, I know the other area that Louisiana has seen a bunch of cuts is public health. So, like, they've shuttered hospitals for budget reasons and things like that. But do I think, the other issue is that, and I'm not super familiar with this, so I'm just going to talk out my ass here, if LSU were not able to field a college football team, I suspect that would lead to major financial ramifications for them in terms of all the money they get from, I don't know, the SEC network, all the games that

they are promised to play on the road. I suspect that there could be some major problems of the financial variety for that. So there is some, there is sort of that flip side of like, hey, we have to solve this, or we're also adding to our money woes. But I don't think, I don't look at it and say, oh, there's no chance. There's a little chance. It is Louisiana. Yeah, it's like, you know, say the prospect of LSU season being canceled, say that's Alabama. And say this other thing, this budget concern, say that's ULM.

Alabama hasn't beaten ULM yet. Alabama should beat ULM, but sometimes ULM beats Alabama, as we all fondly recall. See, we made this good for you in the end, Ellis, yeah. See, we brought it all back around to that time. One of your little cousins beat Alabama. That's true. Yeah, and can I also give the caper to this? Yes, Louisiana does have the highest per capita state debt.

Okay, so per citizen has the highest, it's 18 grand, 18 and change per citizen. of Louisiana. You might want to laugh at this Alabama. You're second. So you're sitting right there, followed by Arkansas and third. So the SEC West just... The difference is I feel confident

the University of Alabama would happily say, like the state of Alabama in this circumstance, the legislature would just say, well, I guess we're shutting down Auburn then. That's why we tried to sell UAB. Exactly. It's the emergency fund for Bama. That's it. You've got to have enough in savings. You got to have enough in checking. Okay? You top that off and you pay up all your credit card bills.

UAB can stay, but you got us change your mascot to the overdraft. I guess we're liquidating Troy. Nick saving, sorry, Nick bought like another 18 assistant coaches. So. Coach's had a real estate deal. Go south. Need another 18 assistance that ain't coming out of Nick's pocket. It's a write down. It's a little close to reality. We should probably move away from that.

Speaking of debt, let's just move to that question. Yeah, let's move to that question. We're doing a reader question here because this is a very slow week. It looked like a really slow week. Normally you open the inbox and you got some stuff. For me, I opened the inbox after five days being gone. It was, Bonobos wants you to buy more pants. Oh, did you?

No, of course not. Oh, they look nice on you. they do man but what pants pants yeah just pants their pants made for the big butted man spencer you can wear the hell out of pants uh i can and i can wear the hell out of some bonobos because they're made for the bigger budded man are we sponsored yet is this our hell yeah bonobos for the bigger budded man bonobos you owe me four hundred dollars yeah for the like life we got the lebron deal you can just you can one time payment exactly we got

what? We're going to do ads for the next 700 years. That's $18 million. We want it up front just so we can take it in the lump sum. It's like the lottery, but for pants endorsements. The question I wanted to answer submitted from reader Sam Duren, that's at Sam underscore Duren on Twitter, is this, which college football coach secretly has the most debt? Ooh. All right. Now, I didn't base this on any inside knowledge, okay? None. I just base this on appearance. And when I think of debt, my palms start to sweat. Get a little nervous.

When I think of the sweatiest human being in college football, man, Gary Patterson had to have made like a bad investment in a llama farm. Somewhere out in West Texas, maybe he let somebody borrow money and lost control of a zero or two. You know, maybe. He was an initial investor's in Hooters' Air. Yeah, maybe some. Slick Tuck and Texas Oilman had a sure thing, you know, oh, a lot 45, it's going to be a gusher.

And it came up dry, I don't know. But I'm just basing this on pure sweat. Gary Patterson, based on his physical appearances, carrying at least $18 million in personal debt. Yeah, I believe that. I accept other nominations and suggestions here, but Gary Patterson looks like he needs that next contract. I will throw Al Golden onto this, unfortunately.

pile. I firmly believe that at some point, I'm willing to believe that, like many people, at some point Al Golden thought, you know what? This whole South Florida thing is working out for me. And I'm allowed to splurge, and I'm allowed to, you know, buy a little bit too expensive of a car, maybe take a nice vacation, maybe buy somebody a nice piece of jewelry. You know what's not going down in value? South Florida real estate.

South Florida. South Florida is just the land of place. plenty and boom and in this case uh have we talked about what al golden's new job is uh no no no let's let's address this and then then we can talk about that because there's a because there's a tangent we need to follow up on there yeah um we can get to that but i think his new job is indicative of the fact that this is a man who probably thought his star was rising more than it was going more than it ended up and and maybe spent a little bit of that contract more than he more than he should have jason do you have a suggestion put me down for hugh freeze oh that's good he's real evangelical so that yeah yeah yeah the prosperity well prosperity for you yes he's he's laying up some blessings as we can

tell by these recruiting classes every three years or so once uh some things you know some things free up some things other things come loose you know what i mean financially i'm just referring to uh you know standard student aid forms but you need that you need it listen you can't live like you used to i know that you think you might you might be able to just live by your means but you you're a standard bearer for the program and you know what that means you need a bigger house i think the key is you need to expect more of the lord if you are living within your means, that's a demonstration that you have a lack of faith.

So what you need to do is put the onus on the Lord to fulfill a larger mortgage. And also, the Reverend needs a new speedboat. Both of these things go hand in hand. How can the Lord shower down his wealth

upon you if you have a small umbrella? If you don't have a large enough bucket, those blessings will land on your neighbor. And then you'll be jealous. And that is a sin. The counterpoint I will offer here, I feel very confident that Hugh Freeze has set up a series of limited liability corporations and actually has no personal debt in any of this. I guess the other thing about him is he was like a high school coach very recently.

Like within the past decade and his all of a sudden come into some large money. And, you know, I'm sure he's, you know, budgeting it as well as he can. Think of it the way you would. Imagine if somebody, imagine if you came into a large sum of money relative to your current salary, right? Like, for instance, imagine you had $500 in cash. Just imagine it.

It's a tremendous, imagine you just, you wouldn't know what to do with it, right? You just would, you'd be like, wow, 500 bucks. Right. The hell are five skateboards. Yeah. I could, I could get a fit bit. Hey, can I get 100 subway foot longs?

No, they raised the price. And like, even if you think of, even if you say, well, I got to invest to some this large, right? What the hell are you going to do with it? You don't know what you're doing, right? You're like, what, how do I, is a savings account investment? Do I buy Apple stock? Congratulations. You could buy like two shares.

Maybe, yeah, there you go. That's my portfolio. You're an investor now. This may not be accurate financial advice listeners. It is totally accurate and bonded. Take it to bank. We guarantee if you follow our plan

your net worth will change. It will change. It will change. Yeah, that is guaranteed. You can see us at P.O. Box 2,345, Fox Studios, Fox Sports, Los Angeles, California, care of Clay Travis. Clay Travis, bonded financial advisor

and attorney, Clay Travis. Really? I haven't heard that. Giving you this advice. Yes, he's an attorney. Welcome to Cacheville. Cashville. Of course, young Buck, the greatest rapper of all time. That's really the only Clay Travis opinion that sticks out in my mind. Yeah.

Hugh Fries has $4 million now a year. There's a lot that can go wrong with that. But I want to tell you now, Spencer, do you actually know what Al Golden's new job is? Al Golden's working for the Detroit Lions. is the tight ends coach of the Detroit Lions. Do you know who else the Detroit Lions hired recently? They hired Randy Edsel.

They hired Randy Edsel. And who else was already on staff? That would be our good friend Ron Prince. And? And you want to say Jim Bob Cooter here? The Jim Bob Cooter, yes. And overseeing it all? Oh, well.

The most illustrious James Caldwell And that's, and I'll form the head. This is like an EDSBS 2008, like, uh, it's an all-star, it's an all-star roster. Yeah. It is truly like, whew, it's special. It's a bunch of guys who are made to go seven and five in college, which probably means

you should just bank on them winning the Super Bowl. Do you know, Calvin Johnson took wood look and said, got to go. Do you know what Randy Edsel's, uh, title is with the Detroit lines. It sounds like analytics, something like that. Director of Football Research Special Projects.

So he's devised. Oh, he's coming up with like nuclear weapons. Yeah, he's building Batmobiles. He's Lucius Fox. Oh, hell yeah. For Jim Caldwell's Batman. He's building like ways to injure your ACL. I call it, it's a new car for you, Batman. I call it the fumbler.

Yeah, I've actually changed the name to be more accurate. I'm just nap man. Just nap, man. We've given you a Matt Stafford. What is he? Oh, that's a beta. He's more of a body pillow. Yeah, he's a wafoo. He's my anime body pillow. Yeah, well, he's not Jimmy's not going to play quarterback, is he? God, Al Golden, I miss you. I know. Keep a sweat. You know he's going to sweat. In indoors. In Michigan, in winter. Indoor's in Michigan and winter. That's the best part, man.

Gary Patterson in that TCU Baylor game, driving rain. It's like 28 degrees and raining because, I don't know, Texas has just got the devil's weather. And he's sweating. Back sweat. Like you can tell, it's back sweat. Like he's, it's underneath the rain slicker, right? If anything, if anything, he was probably sweating more because his body was like, no one will know. that's my chance

just oops let it all hang out during the bowl game their key to victory was coach put on a dry shirt yeah at halftime

they were like what yeah man coach sweat through his shirt and he's going to change it for once and I'm like he had to change it it had saturated it was either going to be that

or put on new pants players look at each other like y'all we got to step it up coach is going to drown how much meat tenderizer do you think He buys a year. Oh, God.

He's, listen, he's just seconds away from being the senator and X-Men, right? It just turns into water, like, br-h-hirt storm. Oh, my God. Or he might just be a T-1,000 trying to keep it cool. It's just, oh, man, don't do it. Cameras on, don't do it. He's a T-1,000 with really shitty phase-control programming, right? Like, nope, no, no, no, no, no.

We just needs a new fan. Yeah, he's, I'm overheating. Why am I Adele? Love you, Gary. Hope you make up all the losses from that lava farm in the next couple of years. Get that contract. Jason, you did not have a question, right? You thought all these sucked.

No, no, no. I thought they all sucked. Okay, Ryan thought they sucked. Ryan was the question, trasher. I'm a hater. All right, well, hater, you just sit over there, contributed nothing like a hater does. I'm going to ask somebody, I'm going to ask a contributor and a distributor.

I'm going to ask a team player, Jason Kirk, what his question is. One for the plug, one for the load. This comes to us from Ghetto Rat Blaster, is the Twitter name. That's not racist. That's a term for a boombox. It's kind of racist. That's not my handle, so don't at me. If you could breed two football programs together like dog breeds,

which two would you breed together and why? I'm going to go Arizona State and Washington State. just because just for the most um most kinetic uh incendiary explosive combination possible I feel like you sort of get um a kind of a kind of dry heat madness

and a nice moist madness together and when those two things come together I guess you get a hurricane you get you know the people who are crazy at the crazy at like two eastern and then the people who are still going crazy at about to a.m. Eastern? Yeah. Okay. I know. I like this. Do you have a suggestion, Ryan?

So I like when you're talking about crossbreeding, I like when you take a big dog and you crossbreed it with a small one. So I'm going to go ahead and take Texas and Hawaii and just mash them together and see what happens. And I'm hoping we get some sort of, some sort of like super, super luaui Mac Brown as a result. This is like the half. Ah, good. Mac Brown chilling. I can't imagine what that would look like. I just won't recruit.

You know, I just won't recruit at all. It's about the tiny bubbles. Yeah. In the wine. They make me so happy. They make me feel so fine. I would mash up Ohio State with Michigan. Oh, God.

Good God, almighty. To create. the ultimate B1G Frankenstein program a program that was both belligerent and overly prideful a program that was both neurotic and deeply insecure a program

that was both dumb and smart does it hate everything else or itself more Notre Dame hates Notre Dame that's the only thing it can agree on the only thing it can agree on is like Nick saving cheats we would just turn it to Drax the Destroyer

it would get no humor it would be completely humorless it would be focused on destroying one thing Thanos aka Notre Dame punching itself in the face right just yeah

and it would have zero humor whatsoever like if you average Michigan and Ohio State together it would be like hey that joke went over your head and it would be like my reflexes are far too fast and everybody would just root for the tree

anyway go Stanford go Stanford the smart ass tree that's so smart ass it won't even say English to you. I'll just say its own name. Stanford.

Stanford? Stanford? Stanford. Which really pisses up everyone in Iowa. Exactly. And like Tracks the Destroyer, it'd be awesome. It'd be excellent.

It'd pretty much be nigh and destructible. So, yeah, I would average out those two. I would also just like to see what would happen scientifically if you combined Auburn and Alabama. Oh, boy. I don't see any difference there. I know. It would just be a bigger Alabama.

I guess you're combining, you're adding, it's sort of like combining two faiths, two religions. Super Bama! It's like Auburn, they're ill into Jesus and Bama, they're ill into Bear Bryant. So it'd just be a new denomination of Christianity. I mean, really, the thing that you can't do is you can't breed LSU with anyone else. You just can't because, you know, you're like, I'll make them unstable. You don't want that. I mean, I don't know.

LSU and their new friends at A&M. I was going to say Arkansas, but that works, too. Ooh, I don't even know what that would look like. Because, like, you're adding, I don't even know which is more militant in its own way. Because, like, A&M is, like, supposed to be militant, and they certainly are. There's a popular gif of a man with a sword charging someone in the middle of a field. The LSU A&M crossbreed would be, like, when an 11-year-old boy draws a spaceship, and it's like, wow, you put lasers on top of the lasers. Wow, it's got snake guns.

It seems unnecessary. No, it's important. Just for scientific purposes, I want to see if I can cross SMU and Old Miss because, man, that's a lot of cocaine. That's so much cocaine. It's a lot of religious cocaine. A lot of religious cocaine. Yeah, that's like, wow, I woke up and spent $3,000 at Vineyard Vines.

How'd that happen? Did it in an afternoon. I would also, in one last one that I really want to see. Because, again, who, I'm making, I'm making an unseemly mongrel. Don't do this. Oh, I'm about to. Don't do this. Are you ready?

I would really like to blend Florida State and Stanford. Oh, my God. No, that doesn't know. That, that is, that's where you get one of those animals that can't breed anymore. Yeah, you just made one of a kind. You just made a Pokemon. Kill me, please. Because it'd be hyper intelligent

And every now and then it just bust out With the most ignorant possible thing It'd be great They'd be like This is a super smart dog That from time to time We'll just raid a litter box It's horrible

I hate you Yeah I've ruined your whole night Of course there are many things Those two have in common Such as oxygen Water is within a few hundred miles So

I do want to mix Georgia and Georgia Tech just for mascot purposes. Because you know that thing how everybody's always like, oh, you know, bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly given their body mask compared to the wings. So you're going to see Bulldogs fly. Once we put, now, once we put wings on Oga,

we will see how that's true. Be like, oh, right, yeah, that doesn't work. How can we cross the two angriest fan bases? Like, what are the two angriest we could get to create the most unstable dog possible? Mississippi State and Penn State. The ice cream.

would be delicious, and so with the rabies. Because Penn State, you have, it's not even really a new thing. Like, I didn't think of Penn State as super-duper, especially angry until the events of the last few years. But some Big Ten colleagues have assured me they've pretty much always been like this. And Mississippi State, they're, you know, being left behind by them cheating Rebel Bears. So these two seem pretty damn mad at all times. I mean, what you've... Have we gone through, by the way?

Go ahead. Well, I was going to say, the Penn State and Mississippi State dog is one that, like, tries to blow up a government building. It's a scary fucking animal. It is. Like, you'd make it. AKC would be like, nope. Is that dog talking?

Is that dog also saying that income tax is unconstitutional? How did this thing get on Breitbart comment threads? Man. Well, the good thing is we know it loves to live in, like, remote areas. real america no nowhere near major transportation hubs that it can reek any damage just far far out in the middle of nowhere to get you way out of there if i but one more if i wanted the laziest possible dog i would pretty much just cross like what i would probably cross

UCLA fans with georgia fans do you want a low energy breed that won't ever come to the stadium how did this how did this dog not come to the game but somehow leave a mess in all of the parking lots. Although, that's a hell of a gymnastics dog. That's an amazing gymnastics dog, but for football, that thing's, yeah. It's also, it's also

a hell of a corrupt basketball dog. Oh, so it is. It's the Jim Herrick Water Spaniel. That's like the second college basketball joke we've made that didn't involve Kentucky on this podcast. That felt good. We're good. We're good at our jobs. I have another, I have another

question that'd be from Mike Bogas. Bogash Andy Bogash on Twitter This is very difficult Who is the Tom Crean of college football? Okay Speaking of college basketball

Tom Crean I have a relationship I'm fascinated by several people And all of them kind of share something That is that they are one of a kind And that be or may not be a good thing I'm fascinated with Jim Nance I just find him His blandness is so deep and compelling

There's just seize of vanilla in Jim Nance. Never stops. I'm fascinated with Tom Crean because Tom Crean is just the biggest public dork in America. Like, who, if anyone, in the service of their employer in public looks just consistently dorky or more awkward than Tom Crean? Think about this. He looks like 1984 Bill Gates, but angry. And wearing somebody else's clothes. Yeah, like, I always wonder, is Tom Crean a time traveler who can only come to naked in a men's warehouse in the dark after they've turned the lights on?

He kind of dresses like, and we've used this recently to describe a certain college football media member, won't say who, but he kind of looks like the fly man in Men in Black. Eddie, is that his name? Give me some sugar water, fly. Yeah, give me some sugar water. He kind of dresses like that guy. Yeah, so with that, and with this, like, there's so many weird things about Tom Crean. While I was gone, Kreen, there was a vine of him getting locked out of the basketball building in Indiana. Did you see this?

No, no, I'm going to look for it right now. Oh, you should. Okay, so the- We didn't do any work while you were gone. Yeah, we just played the hits. That's good. Neither did I. That's only fair. He gets locked out of the basketball building and he's looking.

He's at the door and he's like shaking it and he like gets out of cell phone and it's obviously cold and crappy because it's Indiana. And the students are chanting, let him in. Let him in. Let him. Because they know. They're like it's Tom Crane. He's a dork. And he's a good basketball coach.

I don't want that to get over, like, overlook. He's good. I didn't say it was great. He's also, he's also in this video. He's trying desperately not to draw any attention to himself. It's not working. So he's doing like the George Bush lock door thing. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. What's fun is if you Google Tom Green locked out, the second result. I don't know what the article is about, but it's from some blog, Indiana, blog that says Tom Green is stuck in Bloomington forever. One of us. And they have this really awesome love-hate thing with him.

They all fucking despise him after he loses a game. But they're kind of defensive and protective of him at the same time. Well, and they should be because, one, he's been there a real long time at this point. He's been there quite a while.

And two, he's pretty successful. And that's kind of damning with faint praise Because Indiana wants emphasis on pretty He's the most successful failure And the biggest failure of a success He's like the most wins just enough To stick around coach It's pretty special

Which is still better than being bad Yeah like I mean eventually he'll win something But his specialty is like the you know Beat a bunch of bad teams Totally blow it against a good team kind of thing thing, right? Yeah. He's like, you know when you have like a slightly dipship brother?

Not like a super dipship brother who's constantly getting, you know, running in trouble with the cops, but just like can't get his shit together. And you want the freedom because he's your brother. You want to be able to talk shit and be like, God, this idiot brother of mine, you know, once again, leased Alexis, even though he doesn't have a goddamn job. But you don't want other people to be able to talk that shit. is, hey, that's my brother. He's trying.

He's doing his best. Tom Creed is my idiot brother, and I love him. Yeah, like, and I think that's everyone's relationship with him in Indiana, that they sort of feel that way about him, especially if one of his losses, if you've watched any of the losses, not that I'm the most astute college basketball observer, but I do know that when you don't get a play in bounds or when you have a really stupid play called at the end of the game. Sometimes that happens to Indiana. And sometimes they don't get plays run. Sometimes when they lose, they lose in these ways of execution that sort of shake your faith

as a fan in the basic competence. And then they'll come back and win like three or four in a row and they're fine. And then something else like this happens. He's never totally safe. So let me review the basic points of evidence that we're working off of here. Okay. Loses games in often baffling fashion, right? It's probably a decent enough dude and is successful enough to keep on for a while, right? But never really overcomes the weight of expectation. Is that a program that expects the moon of its coaches? And probably too much.

Like probably too much for almost anyone, right? Yeah, in the sense that there is, uh, they are one. there are football versions of this to be sure but they are one of those teams as like well we were good 30 years ago so therefore yeah and we're in a really hard conference in this sport

and there are other teams in this conference that have perhaps surpassed us along the way we'd like to be them again so I can't I can give you one that I think is spot on especially for I don't think it's personality wise but I think record wise Beau Pellini at Nebraska oh boy was point for point in terms of the resume now not necessarily in terms of

personality they're very different i think will must champ at florida no but the the bo palini is pretty good because there's also the element of like kind of inherited a mess turn things around in such a way that people are like hey okay you know he was not dealt the strongest hand to start but he's he's turning around and probably there's there's more to this story And then there was not, or at least in the case of Tom Crean, there has not been. And like the whole notion of this school being a power is sort of based on things that happened a long time ago. And if you really look at the recruiting base, it's like, well, it's like Indianapolis or Lincoln hotbed of talent. Also, two of the most screen grabable people in college sports.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's that, that just about seals it right there. And if you want a coach to be like, I just want to get a freeze frame of him where I can credibly Photoshop an entire ham in his mouth. These are the two coaches for you. The only thing is, like, what would be the leaked audio from Tom Crane? Because Bo Polini famously went on a fuck the fans rant, which was quite deserved. The people demanded 10 games a year.

But, like, with Crane, does he even know that people don't like him? I mean, he got upset that time. His son overheard fans unhappy with him or whatever it was, but I don't know if it affects him that deep. I don't think there's space for it because he's related to the Harbaas. So I think he's constantly just being talked over. He's quite used to it. Yeah, there's absolutely no way he gets there just like, they're like, Tom, Tom's a great guy. Aren't you a great guy?

How are you doing, Tom? Well, I'm pretty good. You know what you need to be doing with that team of yours, Tom? I'm not going to give you any advice, but here's what you need to do. Just Harbaugh is yelling for three hours while Tom Crean sits in an ugly Christmas sweater. Eating meatballs he doesn't want. It's like the only time we'll see Harbaugh and Crean together, it'll be in a photo with like, you know, hello, cool J and some totally other celebrity in the opposite direction.

Why is Tom Crean there? Well, he's a random celebrity, just like these others. He's actually, he has a side gig working as Jim Harbaugh's body man during football season. Yeah, I really like that. That's who I would put closest. And the second would be Must Champ. Because Must Champ is also like just a dude who kind of just couldn't help but like be himself in public during games and would always look like he was seconds for losing his mind or had lost his mind several seconds before. the camera got to him.

I think Jim Mora is an interesting candidate here. He sort of has that, like, probably is not getting enough credit for what he did at the start of his tenure at the school, probably has not taken enough steps in recent history to make people happy. And also is that an environment where way too much is likely expected, given the realities of the surroundings. um although jim mora does fit much more in the bo-polini side of likely to have leaked audio of him just saying horrible things and if you have that please send it to us or dead or you know what you

can also send it to dead spin that's fine they'll probably get it audio of jim mora saying things that get him fired i can't imagine that that has literally never happened before never uh jason do you have one more question uh let's see um from Justin Ferguson, why is title the will-must champ of apps? And like, this kind of a question is sort of paints us into a corner, but it's a very good, that's a very good comparison for a... It also gives us a nice on-wrap because I know you want to talk about the Grammys. Well, yeah, we got, I mean, we got to talk about the things that are more important in the world right now. In case you weren't aware, those if you don't pay attention to rap music, Kanye has a new album, and it was only available on title, which is Jay-Z's...

Spotify knockoff that constantly breaks and takes people's money and doesn't fulfill pre-orders and it's basically holding Kanye's album hostage and Kanye supports this for some reason that makes total sense to Kanye which is fine and then I guess the comparison of just these things are they're just there they keep getting money no one really knows why we keep giving them second chances, um, despite no evidence that these, these are the things to be using. There are perfectly good other things that do all the same stuff, but don't have the, the obvious history of problems. Um, and that's probably the end of it. I just thought it was a pretty good tweet. I think they are also evidence of a broken model for title. That model is the

way in which musical artists are paid for their work. And for Willa Muschamp, it's believing that, uh, assistance are worth anything. Yeah, the whole Mac Brown coaching tree. Oh, that is. It's a little dry. Yeah. It's, you might want to call somebody. Bonsai is a wonderful art.

Sand art. Keep it as small as possible. You'll know where to trim it. I'm looking at it now again. It just makes me so happy. This is, this is easily the best, the saddest coaching tree you can have. What's the most impressive fruit? Well, I mean, I really like Greg Robinson on here.

Is it Mani Diaz? I like Carl Tor. Well, this is only counting coaches who eventually became head coaches somewhere. I really like that Carl Torbush is on here because, boy, did he have a wonderful 17 and 18 record at North Carolina over four years? um there's ron cooper there's jean chiswick there's tim brewster hey that's national title that's holding twitter user twitter user jean chisic oh there's uh it's just it's it's really a special it's a specialist there's and of course there is his single uh nflbacian Miami Dolphins head coach emeritus Joe Philbin,

who got fired four games into this season. How do you think you could do with the Miami Dolphins as a head coach? Like, I'm going to assume you're not going to get fired through 16 games. Right. Okay. Yeah. Like, you're just, you're going to get 16. What do you think your record would be?

Six and 10. Okay. I think I can do so. And honestly, that's probably enough to get me another year. what the guys like him the guys like him yeah and all I got to do is like beat the Jets once and they'll be like well you know

we're making some strides we look competitive et cetera et cetera uh Jason how many games I think I could win as Dolphins head coach I'm giving you 16 you're getting you have my full vote of confidence for 16 um I mean Ryan went high I thought six six seems to pretty confident i think that's um that's that's suggesting that we think it's uh the whole

role of coaches and this is pretty overrated and that it's more about the talent on the field and all that yeah because my first notion was two and 14 you know i'll look up and uh i'm goofed my way into a couple wins but i don't know i feel i feel weird going beyond too here are you going to attempt see you don't you don't have the full hearty belief in yourself that you need to be a offense head coach, clearly. You don't have that Tony Spirano, it factor. The booming confidence you need to go six and ten. Do you have, how are you going to do it, though?

Are you going to try to own up and just say, listen, this is, boys, the assistants are all getting raises? We're going to try to get through this together. I've been putting some sort of horrible season-long episode of Quantum Leap where I can't escape this alternate timeline. Or are you just going to walk in and be like, no, I'm the coach. so you do you either do uh we're going to spend a lot of money on coordinators or fuck you all my way or the highway yeah got some good ideas yeah i've played i've played madden a few years ago haven't since then but still the same rules i remember much of the soundtrack it was good i'm ready to party hard napi roots was on madden a while back yeah it was that it was that

year that killer Mike was on the soundtrack for action it was really good yeah you guys heard that no you players are too young for that okay go out there and if we win the toss defer just defer if they if they if they if they run back to kick off defer if they if they fumble and we pick it up defer i would i would absolutely run the jane coastin all pass interference offense with the dolphins I would roll up and I'd be like listen It's your show y'all It's yours Whatever you want to do

So we're just going full Barry Switzer I give it back to the people That's all I'm doing Here's what I'm going to do I'm going to walk out there A few things just to sweeten the deal for everybody Okay One we're barely practicing this year

Just just barely None of you Just we're not going to No tackle, no contact Instantly they love me keep them fresh exactly keep them fresh too are you in a contract year okay cool you get the ball you get the ball i don't care if you're a kicker in the contract we'll set you up whatever i'm making all you money okay caliph's caliph surgeon's got 13 carries your stats are going to be your stats

are going to be massive absolutely we'll just all we're doing is we're running systems to maximize stats who cares about the record are you a safety coming up we're just going to bring you into the box you're going to have so many tackles so i feel like our o's see here, we just go get Kiffin. That's it. I'm going to get Kiffin because he needs it and he can probably get the head coaching job, right? Because like Lane, once he locks in on an offensive

weapon, that dude's getting the goddamn ball. So if you just tell him, no, no, no, no, hang on. It's this guy's turn. Okay. Every single play coming his way. Then I get Chris Kiffin to be my defensive coordinator because he's a giant slayer. Sure. And you know what we do? We just pre-write the script. I go to the players.

I'm like, I want you all to tell and leak to sources. This is what we're doing. You're not happy with me, but the players all love Kiffin. The players all love Kiffin. Okay, cool. So complain about me. It's also important to note, part of why I think I could go six and ten has nothing to do with me. Has everything to do with the psychology of other NFL coaches, many of whom I feel live in constant fear that their jobs will be taken from them.

And that fear will only be magnified by knowing that they could be the coach who rose the ranks. and loses to some idiot internet dip shit. And along those lines, also, you can sort of maximize the things that NFL coaches do that everyone complains about. Yeah. You know, you can go four and a fourth down. You can do trick plays that work at other levels. Yep. You know.

You can, like, actually ask someone if you should challenge a play before you do. Oh, no. Listen, man, my quarterback making all the decisions. They're calling the plays on the field. Again, that's Ryan Tannahill. Yeah, that's fine. Okay. You know what?

And do you know who Ryan Taneyhill can blame? Me. Okay. That's it. I only have to make it through the season, right? Because I'm not getting a second season. You might be angling for that six and ten extension, okay? Me?

I'm getting everyone out of here with more money and just skating. Spencer, you're going for like a reality show deal. I'm totally going for a reality show deal. That's fine. Like after this, they set you up at some high school and just film it. Now, you know who else? You can give the ball to, if you don't want Ryan Tamahill. That'd be Virginia Tech's own Logan Thomas.

Okay, yeah, let's do that. Big tree. Yeah, sure. Big tree. That's all we're doing. We got two real big quarterback. He's got first round talent. Yeah.

So we were told for a while. Remember that? He's thrown only nine passes, but. You know, you know how many hours? You know how many hours of week I'm working? None. At least three Maybe

No he'll leave I mean I don't have to be there for the second half He'll leave at halftime I'll be like yeah Oh traffic here is a nightmare I mean come on You people know You've tried to get out of here after a game

You know Not in Miami Hurricanes game of course I might turn up in the stands That would be my move as well As I would tweak the canes At every turn It'd just be the worst heel I would

Yeah and I would just go out of my way to insult everyone in the division. It wouldn't matter. People would be like, he doesn't know what he's talking about. How can you take it seriously? I'm like, you're printing it. Bill Belich, trash. So how does Rex Ryan react if there is someone trying to out Rex Ryan, Rex Ryan in his division?

Well, he's got his brother with him now, so he'll just unleash him. That's scary. Like a Beethoven movie on acid. Oh, we're fighting. That's what we're doing. You're going to fight the Ryans. You're going to fight the Ryans. I'm getting obliterated, by the way.

So if Kiffin's your OC, you're going to need some serious muscle on your defensive coordinator. That's right. Brian. So let's say, well, let's say Texas fires Charlie Strong. So you pick up, you pick up Charlie as your defensive coordinator. I think now you're protected against the Ryan's. I'm picking up Charlie. I'm picking up that big fat dude who's the defensive coordinator with the beard for Belichick, right?

The quote defensive coordinator. Oh, you're playing mind games with Belichick. You're taking his assistance and turning them against him. Yeah, that's right. You got to do the thing where you cut players just because they look like a Patriot. Yeah, exactly. Or that thing where you pick up practice squad players just because they're going for it. Yeah, you're racing Rex to sign ex-patriots.

Oh, you do that with the bills. You're next in the pecking order. You don't even try to pick on Belichick. You try to needle Rex Ryan. If you're suggesting that you sign all the ex-bills. If you're suggesting that hateful Spencer Hall will sign E.J. manual and then make him play punk coverage. I'll do it.

Oh, I'll do it. He's getting paid, ain't he? When we play the Patriots, would it be too obvious gauche and, like, left-handed of me to bring an old 1987-style huge camcorder onto the field? I think you have just, like, a hand-ranked newsreel camera. Like, like, just all over. I'll totally be doing it.

Yeah, I'll totally do that. You set up, like, the Matrix camera thing with, like, the bunches and bunches of little still camera. was all around, all around Belichick. Hey, listen, they, Boston, supposed to be a town full of smart people. I don't know, they got all those colleges and none of them can get in.

It doesn't make any sense to me. How come Coach Spencer has two go-pros on each arm? Yeah, that's weird to me, you know? Clam chowder, that's cool. You guys like, you know, basically the gutter water or the sea with milking it. Hope, that's awesome. You guys are fantastic, what an amazing place.

You know, that's a town so awful. everyone ran to California that's why we had Manifest Destiny so maybe the games you really check out on are your division road games because like you know

New York City in December no boys we're staying home he's not even going to go to those I actually wouldn't be surprised if Spencer just forfeits those games and just sends his players on vacation instead man do you know how much my players would love me for that

in like week 12 It's three games. It's three games. We can go 13 and 3. That's fine. And you film it like college coaches do when they hand out a scholarship or tell players practice is canceled after 15 minutes or whatever. No, wait too much.

All right, boys, we got a real tough game. We got to go up to fucking Massachusetts. We're going to the movies. No, we're going to Atlantis and the Bahamas. And we're going to film it like it's an NFL game of the week. Like, dum-da-d-d-da-d-d-d-da-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-l. That's me. Yeah, you're tweeting out, business trip. The corkscrew water slide is not a place for the faint of heart.

The blackjack table. The scalding tundra. The scalding tundra of Atlantis. That's me. Where NFL films is filming the whole thing. And at the end, at the end, when they put the score, it'll just be forfeit. Hard men and soft-serve. He's the greatest coach ever.

16 games. I gave him 16 games. And you wouldn't even be screwing over your fan base. You'd be fucking with season ticket holders and the rest of the division. Oh, it would be great. Oh, man, and Mike Zimmer would be so mad at me. I just know of all the coaches who'd be really bad at this whole thing. Mike Zimmer would be so heated.

Oh, you're not taking it seriously. He'd call you the cock sucker is the word he would use. Yeah. That cock sucker. Yeah. I feel like, what, do you have something against the gay community of Miami? And now you're even more popular. Yeah,

I'm going straight from this job to mayor of Miami. The non-existent, the non-existent mayorship of Miami. Create someone to run the town of Miami and install yourself as that person. It's me and Pitbull. It would be great. Did he install Pitbull as his trainer? Yeah, he did that. Dallee!