Shutdown Fullcast - Shutdown Fullcast 4.55 - Time Travel, Ham, and Purdue

Episode Date: November 23, 2016

This episode has a little bit of Thanksgiving: - Analyzing how drunk you can get in front of family - Ham thoughts - A plea to eat whatever you want A little bit of football: - Rivalry week, AKA Ruin Someone Else's Season Without Really Improving Your Own - How A&M can outfox Texas - Don't bet money on an Arizona game - Or an Arizona State game - The worst FSU hire(s) possible And a little bit of personal failures: - Ryan and Spencer are bad at dating - Spencer is also capable of immense meanness - Jason is the only good person here Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown fullcast. Happy Thanksgiving. It's not really Thanksgiving. We're recording this on Wednesday, but I, like Franklin, Delano Roosevelt before me, shall command the elements and calendar to my liking and tell you that it's Thanksgiving every day if you're a college football fan. I'll wait for you to groan. Go ahead.

Thank you. No, I think it makes sense. It's like we get all excited about it and then it shows up and you're like, oh, it's just bad for my body. So it's, Will Mushchamp said Thanksgiving is not a meal. It's a day. He said that so that his team came back in the morning. It's flipped, isn't it? It's a day.

It's a meal. It is a meal. It's not a day. Oh, damn it. I prepared a pull to reverse Will Mushchamp and beat Georgia Southern. You win eight and four. Congrats. I think we're just flipping that from, it's not a meal.

It's a year. Oh, that's like a Chinese year, basically. This is the year of Thanksgiving? You're just eating leftover. and arguing with your cousins for 365 days. I mean, let's be honest, you are anyway, so. Stay blessed. Yeah, that, that, and this entire weekend,

because college football does things so completely, inefficiently, backwards. But yet kind of cool, because this is a weekend when you're supposed to spend time with family. Take account for the year. consider the things that you are thankful for in life and in response college football says uh you want to sit in front of the tv for four days how about you do that you're going to be thankful for that because that's what they ask you to do spreading games from on this week by the way like tuesday we skip wednesday Thursday Friday and Saturday all with nothing but not games you can skip either oh no oh no This is rivalry week.

You can skip Tuesday and Thursday just fine. But Friday and Saturday, you can't skip a minute of it. That's right. You can pretty much skip Thursday. We know you probably won't listen to this tomorrow. Well, don't let your family know that LSU A&M doesn't matter because they've probably heard of LSU and they've probably heard of A&M. So you can make them believe this is a big game.

Maybe like on the scoreboard on the TV, like tape numbers next to those teams' names. so it looked like they're ranked, but you know, we're not going to talk about it. No one cares. Yeah, that and this, that you should know the exact number of tickets currently available for LSU ANO if you want to pick them up, just a little indicator.

666. Oh, my. Yeah. This is kind of a satanic matchup, though, because we will speak very little of it other than to say that Ed Orgeron's job prospects would be scuttled entirely if A&M runs wild on LSU, which I don't think they'll do.

But I also think LSU should hang a sign over the athletic department that says, Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here. Well, because for the moment, that's true. That's fine. But let's move away from this game. Yeah, we're done. We talked about LSU A&M. We did it.

we can actually talk about rivalry week which rivalry week for houston means playing memphis which i think i why isn't this a bigger and better rivalry it really should be it's two magnificent cities facing off in the violent sport of football it's perfect i think if if atlanta had a college football team we could get in on this this is the clash of cities where you have a cousin that you're like not sure if he's in jail or not yeah that or the cousin who you hang out with and you inevitably end up doing something that I mean you're just you did it you're not really sure whether you should have done it and I don't mean committing a crime I mean breaking civil codes I mean doing things like yeah I don't know

that guy was just laying on the street back there maybe we should have asked if he was okay no it's cool here have another beer while you're driving right like just little things like that where you go I'm someplace very different yeah that's the Houston Memphis rival I got a I got a John Lovett's tattoo on my back. Why did I do that? I talked to some dude named Skeeter all night. It's weird, but he was fascinating, and he taught me a lot of things about life. Yeah, that's, that's Houston, Memphis.

I really, this is at noon. I really wish it were a bigger rivalry, because the only winner so far here is gout. Just gout. Gout wins both ways. A noon game on Thanksgiving Friday just seems like the sleepiest conceivable affair. Oh, yeah. This is rough. It's a rough game. Speaking of other rough games for entirely different reasons at 2.30,

live from Columbia, Missouri, November finishes with a bang. Surely a 6358 typical SEC West head basher here. You might, if you're watching this game, you might actually hear basketball squeaks coming from the grass somehow. Yeah, Arkansas and the border, the border war with Missouri in a rivalry that people only really care about, as a matter of geographical convenience. Yeah, Arkansas and Missouri, you don't want to watch this. You can skip it.

We'll just report for you. We'll be like, yeah, the run-first, burly, old-school Arkansas team has indeed crossed 50 points again and allowed 40. What I like, I mean, here's the thing. Missouri is going to win this game for the simple fact that since they got out, of week three or since conference play started, Arkansas has done nothing but alternate wins and losses. And they won last game, so they have to lose this one. Wow, you track the code. I knew it. It's Bila math. Yeah. Hey, we run a binary offense. Just zeros and ones here. Another game that you may just want to view at a distance, perhaps

via telegraph or the written and economical information system of your choice. Nebraska, Iowa. Don't pay any attention to this. Don't even glance at this shit. The only thing you need to know is

if Iowa wins, Wisconsin won that division. That's the only takeaway you need here. Don't even look at the final score. Just sense in your bones whether Iowans are happy or not. because it's for all the reason you don't need to watch this is at the same time as the apple cup why the fuck would you watch minor farmageddon instead of an apple cup that matters this happens once a lifetime an actual yes for those of us who remember the original crapple cup that would be yes

the winless Washington team going up I believe against a one loss Washington state team one one a one win I'm sorry, one win. One wins. Yeah, let's get that straight. There was a win, sir. Please don't deprive them of that. And there was at least one loss. That's true, too.

Yeah, let's not quibble. Losses had been sustained. Yeah. Yes. Yeah, I would go back to the poet laureate, Ted Miller. Ted Miller, who, if you remember on the last full cast, we read an excerpt of his coverage of the 2003, Washington, Washington State Apple Cup, which ended with a near riot and bottles being thrown.

Well, Ted Miller got to cover the Crapple Cup too. He's seen a lot, this man, because he got to see Washington at 0 and 10, and he got to see in Washington State, which the closest game Washington State played versus an FBS team that year, 25 point margin of defeat. That's as close as they got to anybody that year. and what did he cite to sell people on the Crapple Cup

that would be you should watch it because as Mel Brooks less subtly noted tragedy is when I cut my finger comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die that's not this that's not this game no but it might be TCU Texas

that might be TCU Texas there is sadness on the menu if you if you tire of the novelty that is an apple cup that matters, you can find some sadness. Yeah, TCU, Texas, you should not watch for the football, but watch this, like, there's a substantial chance something stupid happens related to is or is not Charlie Strong

fired, right? Right. Oh, yeah. Texas has set itself up brilliantly here. I really, I really thought Texas was smart enough not to LSU itself. And yet, they're trying so hard. They're really, they're really trying. Hey, lost to Kansas.

I mean, just say, hey, you know, he's going to coach the last game. He deserves that. Let's give him a big ovation. And then we'll all move along from this, you know, this marriage that is not working out for either side. No, no, no, no, no, no, they didn't do that. They set up the opportunity for Charlie to be carried off by his players at home, a conference win, a struggling rival that, I mean, everyone says, oh, how's a team that lost to Kansas going to beat TCU? lost by 30 points last week. TCU is not good this year.

Texas can beat TCU. I don't give a shit who Texas just lost to. This could happen. And then what? He gets carried off and fired the next day. Okay, great. Now how's your locker room morale looking? Pretty good. Haven't Texas players also threatened to boycott this game? A few of the younger ones, which are

all the best players are the numbers. It's not like they matter. Yeah, a few of the younger ones. So in other words, the roster? It's not going to happen, but clearly um you know they like they like their coach uh they there's a way they could have kept him but that's all in the past now um man yeah texas setting itself up for one of the most or is it okay okay i'm listening time travel haven't listen they say time travel it definitely doesn't exist because we haven't seen anyone come back from the future yet so therefore it's impossible but but maybe we

Maybe we haven't, we just didn't know it. Yeah. That's what makes me think the future has really amazing sex robots. No one's ever come back from it. Maybe in the future, the cheesecake factory destroys society as we know it. And Vince Young traveled back through time to try and stop them. But it fell prey. Let me give you.

His plan went awry. Even he succumbed. You know, because guess who got sent back to come. combat Vince Young's heroic efforts. That's right, Lendale White. Oh, I thought you were going to say Jeff Fisher. And Jeff Fisher. No, I have too.

It's the Fisher. Jeff Fisher is an agent of mediocrity. Oh, my God. This all works because they're both connected to USC. And if you had to say what one person in the sport of football appears to be unstuck from time itself, is Pete Carroll. It's Pete Carroll. And also, who would be woke enough to tell us about the time travel going on?

Probably Pete Carroll. So why hasn't he? Because he's in on it. Wow. You know what? I bet Pete Carroll will tell you. It's just nobody ever writes that down. They don't believe him.

He probably has. They think it's like a motivational metaphor. He probably straight up tells Kirk Herb Street, right? Like, Hey, coach, I'm going to pick your brain. He goes, you really should. I'm from the future. Here's the thing.

Here's the thing. You can fold space time over and create a hole in itself and just travel wherever you want. I've had every job in the NFL. You don't even know it. I even worked for the Patriots once No one would ever believe that happened Yeah meanwhile Kirk's on the other The line being like that's crazy

You should come to the country club sometimes It's nutty Oh Pete so about that defense And Pete's like I tried to tell you Sorry about it The question I have here Or the theory I want to put forward is that Remember Texas and Texas A&M always tied into

some kind of grand, incoherent Texas political struggle that inevitably drags in football, right? That's just what happens. My theory here that the biggest people agitating for Charlie Strong to stay there and the ones who are going to push this hardest are people in the Texas state government

who are Aggie fans and hardcore Republicans who really want to just keep University of Texas mediocre at football, because that's the only thing they can do, right? So they're going to attempt to push for this. Well, well, well, there is an alternative. You let them proceed with firing Charlie Strong. You wait two hours, fire Kevin Semlin, overpaid, get Tom Herman,

and leave them holding their dick in the wind, basically. No, you do it before the game. You do it. Okay. No, you do this. Oh, I see. I see. You're like, yeah, we've already announced Tom Herman.

Good luck with TCU. Say, what are you doing with Charlie? Oh, I love it. Then Charlie has to roll out like, this is my life. I'm stuck here. No, no, no. Jim Morris seems like a great candidate.

No, you think you guys are going to do a good job. Texas loses to TCU and Charlie stays. Yeah. Meanwhile, Gary Patterson. Because he says, what are you going to do? You're fucking stuck with me now. Yeah, meanwhile, Gary Patterson gets another raise out of it. This all works.

It all works. I'd be Texas this year, guys. Well, yeah, that was this year. I beat Texas this year, guys. A lot of coaches getting itchy. Moving around, huh? I would like to commend the University of Houston for publicly saying, yeah, fuck money. We'll pony up whatever.

Like, I don't necessarily think it's going to be the smartest financial decision. But I do appreciate that they're willing to just be like, yeah, you want us to sell off parts of the school? You want us to be sponsored by PowerAid? You want the philosophy department to be sponsored by Power Aid? Sure, man. whatever we'll get that we'll get that scrella yeah it's still extremely texas they're big their big booster tilman fortita he's not losing he's just not going to lose this you can get it you can get an equity loan on a school why not

we're using it for improvements we're putting in a new uh veranda and uh keeping our coach the veranda it's uh it's on tom herman's house we're we're going to consult we're going to consult with entrepreneur in residence at a venture capital first I'm a chameleonaire. I did not make that up. Camillionaire is, for the year 2015, was an entrepreneur in residence at, I believe, advanced capital.

It's too perfect. I would also like to thank the schedule makers on Friday for putting the worst game of the day at the end. When everybody can honestly say, nope, I'm walking away, I'm done for the evening. Arizona State, Arizona,

only those who truly love torture and misery will be watching you at 9.30 Eastern. Is Arizona's record against the spread this year is amazing. I think they're 1 in 10, which is almost impossible to do because eventually Vegas is going to figure out how shitty you are. But all year long, Arizona has been saying, no, actually, we're even worse than you think. And just keeps moving the standard. So Rich Rod point shaving. Is that what you're saying? And Arizona State is along the same lines. Arizona State is another team that just every week finds a way to say,

actually, we're worse than you think. Oh, and they do it in spectacular fashion, too. Watch Arizona State play football defensively. They will have two blown coverages a game that blown doesn't cover. They will have two coverages where somebody doesn't just forget their assignment. They forget they're playing football. Like you look up and the strong safety has a racket. and is swinging wildly at air.

You're like, oh, that's tennis. This game and the But Bowl, Baylor, Texas, sec, both kind of the same thing. One total trash team is hosting a collapsing team that got to a very suspicious five and all. There is one major difference, though. The But Bowl is being played in Jerry World.

Are there any seats available? There are 1,400 tickets available for this game. I think they're going to be. going to be more empty seats in that like the jerry world a fine place to host wrestlemania the k-fabe here it's not quite as strong for baler texas it looks like he tackled him you saw yeah simulated violence just like wrestling simulated violence just like rasslin that's baler texas tech can i can i point you towards a couple of other i want to go back let's actually go back the apple we're already time traveling see it's real

because Pete Carroll's got the machine in the state of Washington and we'll just hop right in in Seattle in the closet where he has it and we'll go back and we'll discuss Washington Washington State because a few elements of this game I think bear mentioning one that this is in Pullman yes it's in it's it's in Pullman and it's Pullman is a weird place when they're good I don't want to say all the time

because we do that sometimes to go man playing at Ames at night. Ames, Iowa, it's tough. It's not that tough, actually. Usually you beat the hell out of Iowa State and get out of Ames. That's how it works. Pullman, a little different this year, particularly because Washington State actually has a defensive line. Washington State can actually run the ball somewhat, as much as Mike Leach likes to do that, which still isn't very much, but this is a nasty, mean, look at who else Washington State or Washington has played and see where they were beaten. The big push USC had against them was at the point of attack,

i.e. at the defensive line versus Washington's offensive line. There were a lot of quarterback pressures in that game, and that didn't work out real well for the Huskies. So that's one thing that makes me feel really bullish on Washington State here, because not only is it in their house, they have a distinct positional advantage over Washington. Yeah. The one thing that gives me a little pause is that, looking back at the recent history of this rivalry, when Wazoo wins, they win close. They win by a field goal or a touchdown, and it's, you know, a back and forth affair. When Washington wins, they kind of just obliterate Washington State. And what I am really curious about is, so it's not that Wazoo has nothing to play for, but I don't think they can, you know, yeah, winning a Pact 12 championship would be. be nice, but in terms of, like, goals beyond that.

I, I would imagine, if you're a wazoo player, you are more motivated by the opportunity to ruin the best Washington season in, what, 30 years, 20-some years? Yeah. Yeah, the best Washington season since, you know, 2005. 2001, right? And the best Washington state season, like, they can really, I don't know if, can we ruin Washington state season. I mean, if they go eight and four, you're still like, oh, that's good.

No, I mean, can you ruin what showed up broken in week two? That's true. But you can, if you're Washington State, you can absolutely ruin Washington season right now. And that, isn't that why, isn't that what this is for? Isn't this the main difference between the NFL and college football is that we get to the end of the season and you put two teams together? And the NFL, they're like, yeah, you know, if the Jets beat, blah-b-b-de-blot, you're like, Jets ain't beaten it. anybody they don't give a shit but here i mean same with south carolina clemson like that's what you're playing for at this point just to ruin someone else's day yep that's that's the

spirit of purdue indiana that's what gets peru going in the morning yep yep yep yep i have to say i'm really rooting for washington state to win this because they could get to 10 wins and if Washington State gets to 10 wins, then that unlocks yet another horror crux in my assembly of, like, the apocalypse, right? Like, it's one of the seven seals. Because then Mike Leach gets the Texas job. Yeah. Hey, I just got done reading the perfect pass, which is all about the evolution of the air raid. Howl mummy for the Texas job. I am 100% for howl mummy for the Texas job, because I've just read 260 pages of nothing but pro-pass propaganda. What I like is that based on how Mummy's career, he could get the Texas job.

And then three years later, he'd be like, oh, yeah, how Mommy's coaching intermural football in Bulgaria? Yep, just, I don't know. He just sort of wanders. Yeah, man, he's at, he's at Yale? Well, that's weird. How'd he end up to Yale? He's teaching water polo. Yeah, it's Yale Community College.

It's in Nevada. It's unusual. I don't know, man. He's a pioneer. He's just crazy. You can't keep men like that. Let's do a question. You have one you want to.

answer. I do. I do. My question is from Fire Will Heath. Make the worst possible hire for Florida State. This is, this is assuming that Jimbo Fisher takes the LSU job and then we have an open Florida State job. And I am charged with giving you the worst possible candidate. And I don't want to take you and give you the cartoonishly bad one, right? Like, speak and spell, right? Speaking of Spill would be a pretty good coach actually But I don't want to give you

The fantastical one I want to give you The actual one That they might make That would be The worst possible candidate For Florida State

Okay And that would be Skip Holtz If they panic Yeah that'd be That would be Your 6th, 7th or 8th candidate once everyone

says no Because I don't know Maybe something stinks In the locker room And I don't mean Figuratively I mean like literally maybe there's just a stench that nobody can bear in there

because of some mold or something that died in the walls. That would be the worst candidate I think you can get. And by the way, that Skip Holtz, he lives. He lives. And I'm not saying that because he's bad. Okay? Skip Holtz can coach a football team. Everybody will get there at the same time.

Everybody will sort of know what they're doing. It's just not real exciting. It's just not real dominant. It doesn't have a whole lot of flavor to it. It's the turkey. It's the roasted turkey. of coaching choices if we want to get super thanksgiving about it.

You know, you'll see it once a year and you won't miss it very much if you watch Skip Holtz football. So that would be the worst candidate that I could pick. Can I pick a candidate who is not rumored for this job? In fact, he's rumored to get an extension at his current one. But this is the candidate that I think would drive our friend and colleague, Bud Elliott, most insane.

That's Butch Jones. Man. And, yeah, that'd be grim. That'd be real grim. We should explain a little bit why for someone who goes, oh, Butch Jones, he did a pretty good job at Tennessee. Who's that person? Who out there who knows who Butch Jones is thinks that, though?

I mean, it would be, what, a super, like a pretty good recruiter to a pretty good to sometimes great recruiter who doesn't seem to really have an ounce of risk in his body? This is also where we should talk about a thing that makes that, I mean, Butch Jones kind of broke SEC East math this year, because at the beginning of the year, if you had asked any fan, a Florida fan, Tennessee fan, Missouri fan, whatever, you said Tennessee's going to beat Florida and they're going to be Georgia this year. And you said, where does Tennessee finish in the SEC East? Everybody's answer would have been first place, right? Yep. Didn't happen. I mean, I think to a man, you would have.

said first place. No, where did they finish, Ryan? Second. Life. Oh, yeah, life champions. They won the life championship. They're life championship. Yeah, they're already, they're already champions at life according to Butch Jones. They finished behind a Florida team that got hammered by Arkansas. Not like an amazing out of nowhere Florida team.

They finished behind a hurt. So-so, not that memorable. Florida team for the in in the year where you were just like if this has to be the year Tennessee wins the division the worst division in have we decided it's the worst division in in just Power 5 football or is it worse than some group of five divisions as well I mean do you want to you want to stack it up against conference USA because that's gross that's gross it's gross to me yeah so so that that's so that That's the pedigree that we're proud of at this point.

Yeah. You know, actually, like, one further note on that, if Florida State does have to hire a coach, who I would, I'd be worried but also amused if they hired him at the same time, because I think he's a really good coach. He does not get enough credit, and he currently works on the moon. Like, I think Lubbock is the only one place

that's probably more isolated media-wise than this place. Mike Gundy? Because I think Mike Gundy's really good. at his job. He would also drive Florida state fans crazy because he's not pro-style and his practices are short and he has a tendency to say exactly what he's thinking. And he's kind of weird and not that personable. Oh, this is all adding up. The mullet has a very different stylistic connotation in the Florida panhandle than it does right now, I think. I think it's thrown for a loop too because they'd go, oh yeah, man, that guy's cool. And they'd

talk to Gundy and be like he's kind of weird he's kind of sensitive he's a little sensitive and prickly I thought he'd be festive I thought he'd be a playful gentleman thanks to his ironic haircut no no if I don't he just has that because it's not like he has the mullet because he thinks it's cool

he has the mullet because he's weird he's doing it to spite he's spiting one of his children isn't he he has it he has an agro mullet he's given one of his kids had now had two chances to get the thing cut and keeps failing. Mike Gundy will make himself look silly in order to teach you a lesson.

Yeah. So maybe he's the perfect Tennessee candidate. Yeah, I'm not. The other guy that like, can I give you the other guy for that, like, if we're all switching coaches? The one coach, I don't want to show up in my neighborhood, but I kind of do at the same time because I just like watching his teams. Blake Anderson and Arkansas State, like if Blake Anderson shows up at Purdue,

I am the biggest Purdue football fan on the planet. Because if you've watched Arkansas State play, they don't care. They don't care whether they live or die. I think you should play. Weird formations, constantly. I just, I want you to know. I have to tell you this as a friend and as a coworker. Before I put this full episode up,

I'm just going to pull out the audio clip of you saying you are the biggest Purdue fan in the world. And I'm going to release that as a like three seconds review of this episode. Okay, cool. Yeah, you can put that with chicken fingers. Chicken fingers. On the list of things that I'm randomly sampled saying. Chicken fingers. Yeah.

But yeah, like Blake Anderson, don't get Blake Anderson anywhere near me where he can hurt my team or make me sweat out of game because they're really super fun and there's absolutely no way I want them anywhere near my football team. Okay, answer that question. Hey, Ryan, you got a question? Um, yeah, we're going to, okay, this is a question from GoFer 2 always at Cheney's Twits on Twitter. His question is, his or hers, I should say. How drunk can I get in front of my parents?

I assume that's a Thanksgiving related question. We are going to talk about Thanksgiving a bit on this episode. Um, I think the key is always to just stay. The safest rule is always. no more than one step drunker than they are, right? Safe in terms of etiquette and decorum. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If your folks can party, then you're kind of in trouble.

Well, but then they're not going to care if you get drunk in front of them. I don't, I mean, okay, who cares if they care? I don't, it always seems weird to me. People, I guess it's not weird, but people ask us questions about etiquette and whatever, us. I mean it's clear they're just looking for permission to make bad decisions and I mean you've come to the right place I will give you all the permission in the world to make bad decisions especially when it comes to being drunk around your folks

I just have a couple of questions you need to understand that like calibrating the talent and the system for your football team I need to know what kind of a drunk you are and what kind of a conference you're playing in okay do you want to get drunker than your parents okay how drunk are your parents getting I got to know you know maybe mom and dad are hanging that bar real high you probably don't want to do that okay because they cleaned up your puke before they don't want to do it anymore and they definitely don't want to do it while they're drunk yeah no that's bad last thing you want to do while drunk

is clean up somebody else's drunk mess that's not good two you're going to be talking about stuff is that stuff sensitive when you get when you get when you get when you get drunk do you have a tendency to just go ahead and spill those things, or you, the cool riverboat gambler, just sitting there with your car, it's not showing them to anybody. I need to know that about you, because if you're just the kind of reckless, freewheeling kind of talker when you're drunk, that around your family might not work so well, especially when you accidentally let slip that you met dad in Vegas for a vacation that mom doesn't remember. That's where you could get into some serious problems here, okay? Don't blow anyone's cover. Three, I know. I

need to know what are you drinking okay is it and will you be discussing this with anything with sober people who are irrational to start with this is this is me saying oh you're planning to have that politics conversation the mythical one that everyone has problems with online but everyone seems to deal with pretty well in real life yeah that one i need to know who you're dealing with this is all about context what is the biggest fight you've ever gotten into at thanksgiving because i know what mine is it had nothing to do with politics i'm gonna let jason answer this because I need to audit. I'm trying to think, honestly, I did get into one when we were doing the turkey bowl thing,

and I had a younger cousin who, apparently I tackled him a little too hard. It wasn't intentional. It didn't seem like I did, but it blew up into this big thing. But as far as arguments, I can't think of any. There were some I've excused myself from. but yeah i i don't i don't really have anything yeah um when my brother was in college and i had just gotten out and i thought that i was very you know grown up he insisted that he was going to have his dog is like 30 pound dog sit at the dinner table with us not like be near the table

he like pulled up a chair and put the dog in the chair and for some reason this just drove me insane mostly because he had been a lazy shit all day and had not helped with anything um and we got into just a screaming argument about whether or not his dog could sit at the table, which now that I think of it, is kind of a good metaphor for arguing about national policies that you can't control or really have any influence for whatsoever. I told a family member three years ago that their God was just a prop for their prejudice and insecurity. I was real drunk, and also that all of their beliefs were lies in front of their children.

It's a good holiday. And that we couldn't and that we couldn't pursue the argument any further because as drunk as I was, I made more sense than he was ever going to make sober. Also that they lived in an evil place. It was a great Thanksgiving. To bring it full circle,

this is why drinking on Thanksgiving is confusing because you're, it's a holiday that's in effect all about gluttony. It's about eating way more than you should. almost none of the food is healthy you eat it at weird times and you have like additional meals squirled away in there

but then there is this like I guess continued societal expectation of like hey hey don't go crazy with the booze now let's just let's just ease off the gas there buddy we're trying to eat as much pie as we can because we make good choices

yeah can I just we're trying to catch diabetes here we're not trying to giggle too loud the actual answer might be this you shouldn't get drunk you should just get really high you'll be nice you won't make a lot of sense you'll be hungry everything will taste a little bit better that's also that's also the way to handle all the uncomfortable political conversations i don't know man well no because you you won't if you get high enough you won't be in like a conversational place for those oh that's what i mean that's you'll

just say that right he'll be like and giving them like your you know wild theories about like well maybe We actually are all invented by aliens. Yeah, you'll get to be Darius from Atlanta. You can just interrupt every conversation and stop it in its tracks. And eventually, people will just leave you alone to sit on the couch and watch football, which is what you wanted all along. This is all you're steering it toward. Every move must be engineered in this direction.

I don't know. Is it going to buy you more time of peace and quiet on the couch? If so, yes. There we go. We fixed it. If you're eating at 3.30, edible at 12. back up at a bowl at about five. You're good.

Jason, you got a question? Here's one I myself wonder from April A underscore K underscore 71 on Twitter. Why is green bean casserole even a thing? Oh, because every Thanksgiving meal needs something that you can trick yourself into believing is healthy. And green bean casserole is the go-to of a choice. It can't be mashed potatoes because I,

think we all as a society, thanks to French fries, agree that potatoes have no redeeming nutritional value. They exist solely. There's a reason in the Martian, that's what he grows, because he's like, if I only have to eat this, I can survive. Cranberry sauce is bullshit, too, and everybody seems to know that. So, so, so this is kind of the last, the last bastion for people who want to lie to themselves. These are the same people who are like, no, it's cool. I had a brand muffin for breakfast. it's a muffin it's definitely not a cupcake first of all i think you're i think you're giving potato and mac and cheese fans too much credit here because those things are those things are vegetables where i come from okay yeah yeah i i work off the hank hill classification of

vegetables right like get some vegetables hank fries me it's a meat it's it's one of the three and meat and three three what though yeah what is this three three heart attacks if it costs less than a dollar at Shoney's it's a vegetable that's that's the taxonomy here and green bean casserole to me is just sure it's got green stuff in it but what the

fuck eat a fucking salad eat anything other than this goo with green stuff and brown stuff in it just eat green beans green beans you're fine just eat those horrible fucking green take a can of green beans that's better than anything you can do with with with white

goo and those fucking brown things that don't exist until the day before Thanksgiving. I'm going to step in and stop your slander of turkey fried onions, okay? Or other brands are fine. Other brands are fine. I think the entire reason people eat... Of everything that goes in the

green bean casserole, the brown things are probably the one that make the most sense other than the fact that no one knows they exist until this particular... Except when they're funnions, and then you know they exist. America has... Totally totally different, Ryan. I was going to say, America. has a broke back mountain relationship

with fried onions sold in a can they can only acknowledge it once a year they meet on the mountain we call Thanksgiving and we have to hide it tenderly yeah we have to hide it with a vegetable that's the only way the society could find it palatable is if we express our love once a year

because I'm convinced that people have a raging love for those that they just don't want to admit because having seen somebody maybe my brother just eat fried onions out of the can it's appalling don't want to watch. So what we do is we just decouple these things. You put, you put a tray of green beans out there and you put cans of the brown onions out there. Boom. You just improved your

spread. Have either of you ever managed to pull off the Thanksgiving where you don't have Thanksgiving food where you have a meal? It's not like, oh, I was driving and so I went to Burger King or some shit. But like, you have a meal, a prepared meal for Thanksgiving, but you just are like, ah, fuck it. We're having prime rib or whatever. ah tomorrow tomorrow doing it i'm i am so jealous of you yeah we're just we're having beef gonna get some beef i just want i just want one year to have a mexican food only thanksgiving is that so wrong no they'd be awesome yeah i um one side my wife's side of the family super traditional and there's always a billion people there so i mean somebody's gonna bring something

like uncle from hawaii or like somebody who just came back from another country whatever they're going to bring some like there's always all kind of crazy stuff my my my my side of the family um very traditional but we've also done some weird i mean i swear to god we had a xxby's tray for thanksgiving one year i'm this is great no there's nothing what's wrong as as the pilgrims did i mean it wouldn't be my choice but you know it's food isn't it so okay i mean whatever it ain't worse than turkey it ain't worse than turkey we ain't hey come on Don't lie. Unless you're frying it and you're doing an excellent job, if you're just buying the public's turkey or the honey-baked ham or whatever.

All right. All right. Let's talk about ham. Can we just get this and work this out right now? Sure, sure, sure. We have complex and deep opinions on ham. Fuck ham. Jason's. Yeah, Jason's is pretty simple. Jason's is just fuck ham. Yeah. And that's, you know. Nobody trying to eat ham except for one day out of the year. Or if you don't eat it for Thanksgiving, then you eat it for Christmas. If somebody gives you a ham sandwich, what the fuck? Am I in fourth grade? Easter ham's a thing. I don't know why, but it is. He's heard of that. Valentine's ham. That sounds pretty good. The pig has risen again. There's a ham in the little eggs. We've hidden it in the yard. And they rolled back the ham from in front of the two.

Roll back the large ham. Brett Bealin was just weeping. And load. Dale Earnhardt walked out. But, like, sticky, sweet, man, on the list of meats, oh, God, it's fucking last. Okay. For me, ham is, and I already talked about this, but to reiterate, ham is a side player, ham is an accent. You know, I could eat a slice of country ham, but it's, to be honest, man, you've got to cut that country ham pretty thin. I think, you know, it's intense. Don't show up. Don't show up.

It's John Malkovich. Ham is John Malkovich. Yeah, it's fine. I mean, you know, Ham's like, I'm trying to think of the actor who probably best represents Ham to me. And that immediately I was like, John Goodman.

And then I was like, that's a little on the nose. It's a little on the nose. But, you know, like, do you want to watch John Goodman in a lead? Generally not. I kind of like him as a side player.

That's how you get King Ralph. That's, yeah, you don't want that. That's what, that's the movie I went to my first date on. It was wildly unsuccessful. Oh, no. What? Oh, no.

Oh, yeah. Wow, so somebody, somebody other than Peter O'Toole made the worst possible decision regarding King Ralph. Good job. Peter O'Toole never made a bad decision in his life. He made that movie.

Yeah, yeah, they paid him for it, too. That's true. Who's the sucker now? That's true. Oh, God. The drinking he must have done with Goodman. Oh. You know what?

But he left Goodman in the dirt. Ryan, what was the first date for you, by the way? Oh, to a movie? Shit, I honestly don't remember. It definitely wasn't King Ralph, though. Same. Whatever it was, it was better than King Ralph, I promise you. Although I was, okay, in full disclosure, it wasn't my first date, but a first date I took a girl on, she told me, I don't really like scary movies.

And I said, oh, well, there's this movie I've heard of that is getting interesting reviews. And I don't think it's scary. It's more of like a taught psychological thriller. And the name of that movie was Saw. Oh, my God. Yep, and we walked out after about 15 minutes. We are not currently together in case you were wondering. I think that tops King Ralph.

Yeah. Good job, man. Yeah. Why are you making fun of me? Wow. You just bring that up at the end. Sorry. For sure, I thought this race was over, and then Ryan just went tearing past.

Can we talk about football now, please? Yeah, let's do that. We got a couple of things to wrap up. Egg bowl. Oh, I'm real fond of this egg ball, man. Because we got two fantastic situations here. First of all, America's best five and six team, old miss. Greatest five and six team.

Fighting for 500, freshman quarterback. Going to be playing Mississippi State, who is fighting for the saddest post of all. a five and seven record. That's where we're at, Mississippi. Oh, the glory days when both of you could be in the top five. Remember that? I don't, never happen. Never happened.

I will always keep an eye on the egg bowl because inevitably there's some sort of like Tom Foolery at the end. Somebody throws a ball away on forked down, makes a huge miss. Somebody misses a field goal. It's really just like a depraved race to the bottom. So, yeah, you should watch this. Do you know, I mean, so we're going to watch this game. people are going to be paying attention to Shea Patterson.

Mississippi State has a quarterback who is seventh in the conference in rushing attempts. Nick Fitzgerald. Yep. He has more rushing attempts than Boom Williams. He has more than Jordan Scarlett, Jalen Hertz, Leonard Fernett. Granted Leonard Fernett missed a bunch of time, but Sony, like, damn. It's beautiful. our Mississippi State blog for whom the cowbell tolls their mantra for the past month or so has been never pass always run

their entire they're like their dream off dream offense at this point passes zero times per game yeah Sean Sean Payton was fond of saying that when he coached his sons on his year away from the saints that he coached his son's football team and they were destroyed by a wing tea team saying man you know what I'm glad no one runs us in the pros because we wouldn't be able to defend it. Guess what? Mississippi State runs it this year. They're running the single wing. That's all they got. And if that's, if that works, great. But it's the Egg Bowl. I make no bets about anything that might or might not happen here. Speaking of games that you definitely do not want to bet on, Auburn, Alabama. The Lions, Alabama at 17 and a half. You want to mess with that in the Iron Bowl? No. No. No, especially with 17. Auburn's, Auburn.

doesn't have any arms left or whatever but Bama doesn't care so you're gonna watch this is basically one this is the same team just with different rosters like one has a much more talented roster but they run offenses that increasingly look like each other oh yeah Alabama has leveled up in this game there there are 10 levels ahead of you basically yes yes but but playbook same character same character in the game yeah Alabama is mecca you they've a ball they've done a lot of walking they're the blast boys versus squirrel that's this game yeah that's the best description of the iron ball ever

blast boys be squirtle my favorite thing about this time slot is um i think the egg bowl is the most watchable game because i mean bama's going to stand on auburn's head um minnesota wisconsin is kind of important but wisconsin's way better same for penn state and michigan state um same for u sian any of those could be upsets and go crazy, but we know the Egg Bowl is going to go crazy. And Penn State, Michigan State is going to be the one that potentially matters the most

to a lot of Ohio State fans. Mm-hmm. And that's delicious. Yep. In Michigan, Ohio State at noon. We almost made it through without talking about it. No, I just want to say it. I swore we were going to do it.

This is a game that brands itself as, you know, grim, fatalistic, fridge. football and oh boy you're you ordered the 100 proof bottle of it this year because yeah neither team can really pass both of them have something on the line this game they they already hate each other and uh it's it's going to be it's going to be partly cloudy uh with a chance for uh 70 rush attempts for both teams a lot a lot of the noon games have the emotional tenor of a fight at a funeral like that's how georgia tech georgia feels that's i was just about i was like you're talking to about Georgia Tech.

Yeah, man. Yeah, that's going to be two cousins fucking hate each other, haven't talked in 10 years, grandma dies, they show up, and, oh, no, they can't play nice. You know that. You know,

one of the biggest rushing total surrendered by Alabama and Kirby Smart's tenure as defensive coordinator there, right? You know what team that was? Yeah. Yeah, they'd be Georgia Southern

who runs a triple option. That was the one where Nick Saban said that they ran through us like shit through a tin horn. Yeah, Kirby was that guy. They brought in Brian Van Gorder this week as a consultant and I'm pretty sure they brought in BBG

because BBG always did real well against this. This is one I have a gleeful and malevolent eye on because I suspect that if Georgia Tech gets it going, this could end real badly for Georgia. We've also had... Most things could, though. We had a couple people ask us

questions about the Kentucky Louisville game. I guess coming off the Houston the loss of Houston. If Kentucky should no, what are you talking about, man? No, no. Trust your instincts. Follow your training. You know, you know that's not how it works. Also, Virginia, Virginia Tech. Yeah, I can't. No. No. No. No. Ooh. Ooh. A little, can't. Tennessee vandy? I mean, Tennessee's already life champions. What do they got to play for? I mean, at that point in the day, it's, let's see, you got Utah, Colorado should be pretty good. You got South Carolina Clemson.

Should be lots of blood spilled. Who's? I don't know. You have to be determined. And then you got Florida FSU. That's one of the bigger games of the weekend. But, yeah, keep an eye on Tennessee, Vandy. Don't.

Don't keep an eye on UCLA Cal. Just don't. We'll watch that for you. Oh, hey. No, we ain't going to watch that for you? Yeah. Watched. No, but we will watch for you, Oregon, Oregon State.

No. Yeah. You might because you're sitting next to Dan, But here's, here's why I'm going to watch that game. Mark Helferch's tenure appears to be safe for another year based on beating Utah and and based on the fact that it sounds like Oregon, uh, the candidates they want are more likely to go to Texas or LSU at this juncture. Um, that could change if they lose to Oregon State and Civil War.

That could definitely change. Oh, yeah. No, this could change dramatically, especially because that Helperch saved his job stuff. Uh, it's, it's, it's kind of taken a curdle. over the last week or so given what everyone else is looking at here two more notes before you get kicked out of the booth Ryan because I know that's about to happen I would like to point everyone to in entertaining late game if you're awake somehow on Saturday grab grab yourself some leftovers and watch Wyoming New Mexico oh football bomb a game that has

actual stakes and so forth yeah yeah Wyoming New Mexico game in the second to last week has stakes. If Wyoming loses, Boise State probably has a pretty good shot at the Cotton Bowl. If Wyoming wins, Boise State is out, and it is, Western Michigan is just about home-free, assuming they've won as well. And these teams are, these teams are fun and weird. Every Wyoming game ends up 66 to 59. Yeah, New Mexico runs like a quadruple option. It's real fun. They'll have like, they'll have like a bus full of people in the backfield. I don't know how it's legal. Bob Davy's smarter than I am, evidently. that hurts to say