Shutdown Fullcast - Shutdown Fullcast 4.67 - Our 2017 Emotional Top 10

Episode Date: March 2, 2017

We absolutely covered every news item from last week, so this week we're free to talk about less weighty topics, like food poisoning, or the scariest weapon someone can attack you with, or what you should do if you're an Ole Miss fan, or who on our staff is the sloppiest drunk. We also reveal our Emotional Top 10, a meaningless ranking which should not infuriate anyone but well let's not kid ourselves. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown fullcast. You might notice we sound really, really good right now. Some of us do. Some of us always sound great, but you two, I think both sound really good. That's the uninterrupted sound of Jason Kirk, one of our co-host here, coming to you from a microphone that is neither blowing in the Georgia wind. I feel like I should release a buzzard in this room, just for the ambiance. Nor picking up a barking dog.

We do have a spare mic. Can we just get a barking dog in this room? There were a lot of dogs in the bar last night. Please welcome guest DMX. But Jason is here. It's live in the room. Also in the room joining us, Ryan Nanny, as he always does from civilized quarters here in box media's beautiful new offices in Manhattan. We're in the cool part of Manhattan, by the way.

No, we're not. No, this is like, I think this is the cool part because one, no one lives here. Right. Two. Nobody knows how to get around. No one knows how to get around. Everyone leaves. The financial district.

Yeah, because it's not. I realize why I didn't like it. It's not a grid system down here. No. No, it's like this idiosyncratic horse shit I love, which are places you can only understand if you walk around them for like three years. And then you start to sort of remember landmarks.

This is the Sim City map where you're like, wait, why did you... There's water everywhere. What are you doing? It's the beginning of Sim City where you're being creative and then you figure out what's most efficient and you just do that for the rest of the map.

Now I have to build an airport that works in a zigzag. Why did I have a farm next to the stadium? Yeah. I feel like this, right exactly where we are, y'all can picture it. We're basically right next to Wall Street, but down below us is like cobblestone village, which I feel like, I don't know the map in New York, but I'm almost certain of this that at the end of gangs in New York where they show like the America coming together from a brown map, it was probably right there. This is also the part of New York I like because it is the part that I feel like is the most evil top hat. part of New York.

This is the part that... Oh, it's super taminy. Other than... Yeah, yeah, this is super knickerbocker. Tammany. Other than, like, Williamsburg. Yeah, that's a different... That's more of like a sexy top hat.

Right, this is a top hat you wore because your people have been here for 400 years. I've been wealthy for 390 of them and do not actually understand reality. What is your money in? I trade animal fats. Yes, exactly.

This is the baronial part of New York. I control the animal fat trade. Yeah. There are things that just say, like, baronial house. The blubber baron. Yeah, exactly. Like, this is like Melville, New York, right? Like, yeah. Right? I'll go

down to the docks and find adventure on a whaling ship. I saw a duel on the way in. It was pretty dope. Yep. John, I didn't know John Boyce could pull a knife that fast. Oh, man. No, he's mean. By the way, he's a knife. That is the most scary attack, right? Like, a gun, I could like, he might miss, there might be a misfire.

Bike chain? Yeah. By somebody who's not on a bicycle. But if someone is ripping apart their vehicle Because that's how bad they want to kill you If somebody's run up on you with a steering wheel That motherfucker wants you dead Yeah, that's... He threw a brake rotor at me

He split his car in half Just to sandwich me between the two of them If I get hit with a bike chain though Like results may vary If there's a knife, I'm getting cut And that's terrifying Because you can just shoot me on accident, right? You don't stab somebody on accident

America. Yeah, we do that all the time. That's true. Exactly. You don't really read a lot about toddlers who stabbed, like, somebody on accident. Right. Like, that doesn't happen, right? You don't put a blade four inches into somebody because you coughed.

Right. Right. Like, you have to really dislike somebody to stab them. I was walking around the house late at night and I heard a noise and, oh, wouldn't you know it? I gutted you with a chainsaw. This goes back to my old old thought that we could enact strict gun control if it was a accompanied by complimentary swords. If everybody just got a sword.

The open carry sword movement. Yeah. This would be big at Hot Topic. Very. Maybe this is where we called us for this. But speaking about getting attacked, Spencer, you were felled by a much more insidious weapon. Yes. Let's bring everybody up to date on college football news by talking about me getting food poisoning.

So you have food poisoning. Did you actually get it on a red eye flight? Yes. Yes. From what? I have no clue. None. Do you have any possible candidates?

It was either a hamburger. Okay. Or it was pizza. So definitely the hamburger then, right? I actually suspect I paid the top dollar item was the pizza. The pizza cost more than the hamburger I ate for lunch. And it was served at a place where I was told, you know, the food here really isn't as good as the rest of it. Which leaves me to think, that goes for the sanitation standards.

It was probably the ambiance. you're sick in that case. Yeah. It was too rich for your system. I will say this. It was, this will mean like maybe eight people. It was at the Soho House,

which is like a membership-only creatives club that is exactly like, it came out of my mouth and you're like, I like you less. Exactly. And that's exactly their pizza likes you less as well. So I don't know if it was Soho House. Please don't sue. But I did spend a red eye from Los Angeles to New York on the floor of a plane,

basically puking for two and a half hours. Folleting across America. I'm not kidding. It got to the point where all I was doing was kind of hirked up on the corner of the toilet seat

going, because you don't even have a dry heat well. Like some sort of fucked up gargoy. Exactly, right? Like, I looked like... Kill me! I looked like somebody just left an anatomical

like pumping heart plugged in when they're like, this is what an artificial heart looks like. That was me, my gut, it was bad. Did you get to, the one time I've had food poisoning,

did you get to this state where you are like, oh shit, I'm making progress when like actual stuff comes out after like the hour of dry heaving. Yeah. And then you're like, oh God, that's my stomach. Yeah, and you're like, well, that was not anything I ate. I was drinking water just to have

something to throw up. Because I was getting bored. That's risky. It's very risky. I found out the hard way. And you're also like doing cartoon puking, right? Where you go, nobody actually pukes like that. No, like bruh! Oh, yeah, holl are peaking. Yeah, like Tray Parker, Matt Stone,

puking, right? Like Team America puking. That's exactly what you're doing here. And it was great because, I will say this, have any of you passed out or do you have something that makes you pass out? No. No? I don't think I have. Like donating blood, nothing? No, okay.

I have a thing where there's a vagus nerve reflex where if I get food poisoning and enough blood rushes to my stomach to like do that, then I'm out. Like it applies some pressure and I will totally pass out. So the good people at JetBlue got to help me out of the aisle because I totally. hit two seats on the way down. I knew it was happening. I was trying to get to the bathroom, and I totally pinballed and woke up on the floor.

Now, I am totally calm about this because this has happened like five or six times of my life. You know, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm on a reboot. This is fine.

Brady Hoke put you back in a quarterback. Yeah, exactly. Brady Hoke had no problems with the injury that was happening, right? And if you haven't puked in a while, by the way, that whole quarterback puking and continuing to play thing, much harder than you think. Yeah, yeah.

Much harder. Because I had to just explain what was happening, which was hard enough, much less throwing, like, a post pattern into the right, like, combination of coverages. Yeah, and using your core muscles as exercise. So I came to, and I immediately know what has happened, right? Like, I'm like, oh, I've just rebooted, right? Like, no, big deal, let's go. They have to stop and have a discussion about it because they're like, no, no, no, you just passed out. Here's the first question they asked.

Has this happened before? Not, are you okay? They leap immediately to, like, are we having a medical situation and are we liable? Are we liable? Yeah. Are we liable? It was like the first question. I was like, and I didn't answer because I was like, no.

I'm proud of them, man. That's good. It's good hustle. You said, hang on, hang on. I need to wait to land to speak to my attorney Ryan Nating. Yeah. Before I answer this. Is he licensed?

Never mind that. But yeah, I had to explain to them why I passed out. So I spent two and a half hours on the floor. Puking on the way here. It was great. How many bathroom stalls were there on this flight? There were two in the back and one in the front. I occupied one, four.

two and a half hours. But it was a red eye. Not a lot of people getting out. A lot of people sleeping. Yeah, I will say this. So you're free to throw up. Yeah, so you're free to throw up. I'll say this. They're very nice. And I spent the entire time just thinking of delightful things to discuss with you guys. Thanks. That's real sweet. That's what I think about when I'm peaking. Shut down, forecast. The food poisoning of listening. The water thing, I literally almost died because of drinking water during a, during a throw-up

episode. Yeah. This was a few hours after the Bama LSU title game. So I was not the only one who was throwing up because of fluids being ingested. It was like the little thing that connects your intestine to whatever's next. Mine was too thin at the time. Like, Ankele has a thin urethra. It wasn't my urethraism, my digestive system. You have a thin lower intestinal sphincture. Something like that, yeah.

And after every time I was throwing up, I was like, I don't want to dehydrate. I better drink water. Well, then the water brings more stuff back out with it, further dehydrating you. By the end of it, my hands were curling in on themselves. like I was turning into Gollum Like my wife driving me to the ER We got pulled over And I like

Spilled out of the car Like You gotta let us get And they're like Get him back in the car please Like I walked in the ER And they're like It takes some shit for people

Work in the front desk At the ER to look up in horror And like uh right this way sir Panic yeah my green skin did it Yeah, any... Don't drink water. Any, like... Never hydrate.

Any movie about an epidemic is always about being married or in a relationship and having you take care of an extraordinarily sick person. That's what they always are at the secret because you have no idea what to do. I passed out once on the side of the road in another time I had food poisoning. And when I did it, this was Chipotle.

I'll just say it straight up. It was Chipotle. Yeah. Why I do not. They have records. You're not worried about it. Man, I am part of their glorious resume. A good one, too, because

I knew something was happening. I'd get real grumpy and like irritable and it's just like not me and I pulled over and I just passed out like I turned off the car right like got into park like boop and I heard my wife go are you out out like gone and I woke up puking on the window which is the worst because I woke up I woke up not super absorbent I woke up thinking I was like one that's down in the door now yeah yeah and it's never coming out it's never never No, you can't. It's never coming out. And two, I remember thinking... That car is totaled. Before I passed out, the last thing I thought was, I'm going to open the win. And when I woke up, it was like, do... Oh!

Missed it. Yeah. So there's nothing going on in college football right now, like literally. No. Nothing. Yep, nothing happened last week either. Nope, nothing happened. Our podcast last week was extremely timely and comprehensive.

Covered all news events. You can go back and listen. You will not find a single. A large-scale college football story that will impact the season and beyond. Nope. That we missed. Got it all. Got it all?

No, no, no, no, no, I haven't heard a peep out of them in a long time. No, no, no, coaches in, like, you know, like, not big name coaches in top divisions. Not in, like, a Power 5 job or something. No, no, none of that, especially in the SEC. Definitely nobody who's, like, I don't know, beep a hammer. All's quiet on the Western Front. Yep, nothing. Nothing. Nothing's good. Just another outstanding event-free week that definitely did not involve players being paid and a potential turnover of the entire recruiting infrastructure. Right, not that. Any recruits who were paid $13,000 definitely did not sign with the school that gave them the $13,000. Yeah, that we can say.

That's true. Can I share one confusing thing? I was also traveling the last couple days. I saw a very confusing thing in the airport coming back to. to New York. It was a sign outside of a airport restaurant. And it said, New Year, New You, and then it was an advertisement for a cocktail. And I've never seen the New Year's resolution thing used to be like, hey, what if you drank something new? What if you got drunker? What if you got drunk in a different way? What if your cirrhosis was raspberry flavor? I think that's a great, like, cigarette ad. It should be New Year, New You, smoke. Nobody said better. We never said better, you, healthier, nothing.

Just new. You said you wanted to meet different people. That's right. Would you like an achievable resolution? I'm going to drink more vodka this year. I mean, achievable? You can do it. Yes.

You did it. Hey, look, it's March. You're on pace. Is it measurable, right? We're going to go through, like, all of your goal testing here, right? Yep, yep, yep. Definitely measurable, attainable. It's realistic, right?

You got to crawl before you... Before you pee-up. Before you lay face first. I want to do an entire show one day that's like unsolved mysteries, but with really banal things that you just saw in life and never got explained, right? Like, why is that, why is that mysterious, like, mannequin in a tree on I-35 just outside of, you know, Waco? Actually, we can probably explain that pretty quickly. Right.

But, like, there's, like, weird things you see like that that you just kind of go, oh, yeah. And it would be like, we'd make it way creepier than it actually was. was good because, like, presumably some ad group, even if it was a small one, was like, yeah, let's go with that. You know what? Raspberry Stoli, New Year, New Year, New You! I mean, maybe it's, sure, just take any cliche, slap it next to something that looks pretty good. Yeah.

Fine. What campaign was approved at 4.45 p.m. on a Friday when the original pitch did not fly. That's, they had, they had something. deeply problematic that they subbed out at the last minute for the first cliche anyone could shout it's perfect um so what are we going to do today we're going to take questions i think we have some questions i kind of wanted to go i think we might have set a new record for questions okay so let's hand because we actually asked more than an hour before reporting this time yeah record at time of actually looking good job we got about 98 questions uh probably a solid 10th of them about jeff

sessions university of alabam double graduate jeff sessions yeah yeah yeah real tied that's um One theme I like was which coach is definitely not in secret contact with Russia, because at this point I think it's, is everyone in this country in secret contact with Russia? Maybe. I want to know why this isn't more memorable. Talking to Russians? Yeah. I mean, I'd remember if I talk to, like, no, not just Russians.

The Russian ambassador. Especially New York. You might just talk to a Russian, right? And you wouldn't think of it. You'd be like, oh, that's, you know, that's Steve. so many Russians named Steve Classic Russian name Steve El Stevo

Yeah That's the disguise Stevia I mean Sorry to say stevia I had a friend in high school Who was Russian and his sister The only time I met her

She was trying to pass out Vodka to teenagers I remember that How do you know she wasn't How do you know she wasn't posing as a Russian And doing what she thought a Russian would do She might have been Jeff Sessions's spy

That's entirely possible where you went to high school. Yeah, no, it's like, yeah. But why isn't it more memorable if you meet a Russian? Look, they have men in black, they have that little device. You just can't remember. They all have blank faces. And it's red colored, the flash, you know.

That's true. Usually when I don't remember something after I've met somebody, it's because we were drinking together. That's what the vodka is for. This might be self-explanatory. But what I want to ask, right? We've got questions on Jeff Sessions, right? It's a college football show.

Everybody, though, my favorite thing in college football, football trash talk is if you get super deep into things. And you begin naming people who are merely attendees of the school who might not even be fans of the football team just to injure your opponent in the fight. The best example of this historically has always been the fight between the University of Washington and Washington State,

where Washington State fans inevitably bring up serial killer, Ted Bundy, being a University of Washington attendee. Also, go blue. Yeah. That Michigan, Michigan always gets like the Unabomber. Unabomber, correct. I don't know who Florida's would be. Like, if I think of...

Aaron Hernandez. He didn't graduate. Dang it. Exactly, exactly. See the effect this is that on Spencer? Yeah. Dang it. Try and find a photo of Aaron Hernandez in a cap and gown.

You can't do it. Yeah. I mean, like, who is that with Florida State? Like, we have a couple, but, you know, like, we kind of have to... They all played football there. Yeah, they all played football. You're like, I don't know. Is that James Winston?

Like, I don't really want to, like, glory in that. It used to be Sebastian Janakowski just because he was funny, right? Yeah, and also had some drug things going on. Drug things. It's just to say it. It's a different time. It's different times. Yeah.

I don't know who it would be for like my rival. Like if I'm looking at my rivals, like University of Tennessee graduates, like, I don't know. Do they have any? Wait, well, do it have any I don't know, right? Like the celebrity level class there is a little bit low. Kenny Chesney, I'm sure he. Kenny Chesney would claim it. One of his many, many, many, many degrees.

Like Georgia, I'm like, ha ha, you guys had the guy who played Newman on Seinfeld to graduate from Georgia, which is true. So I'm on the university. Isn't that the bad guy in Jurassic Park? Yeah, see, he's super evil. Wayne Knight. Wow. Wayne Knight. He's also in Space Jam.

Have you seen, who is it that does the Wayne Knightiverse who argues that every Wayne Knight role takes place in the same universe? I like it. Anyway, that's a good question. Y'all Google it. Let's move along. Yeah. But that's, but like this is one of my favorite things is when you start looking at like famous people who went to the same. school and you go, oh, well, that guy went there.

And I was like, we have such a good one if, like, now, like, this is a high dollar one. If you're like, yeah, well, the disgraced attorney general of the United States went to your school. The first attorney general to go to a private prison. Yeah, that would be the private prison. Although, really, you really want the private prison. I mean, he said they're nice. Yeah, I mean, listen, if they're nice enough, this is the ultimate test, by the way. If they're nice enough for you, they'll be nice enough for them, right?

Put it to the test. Plus, you shouldn't know a guy. You wouldn't serve a meal without tasting it, would you? I mean, we really don't. In prison, I would. Prison meals, man. What kind of meal are we talking, son? But, yeah, we can answer some questions.

I also wanted to do an exercise that I would like to call the emotional top 10, where I just list the top 10. We can decide what the top 10 teams are right now based just on how we're feeling about them. Because so much of this in college football is determined by, like, what, the same eight teams, eight to 12 teams? Yes. Yeah, I prefer thinking about it in a more universal approach and thinking about what teams do we really love right now, just caring, period. How do we feel about them? Okay.

You know, like Clemson? I know they just won. You're pretty good about them in your emotional top 10? Emotional top 10? Boom. Yeah, look. Clemson. There's one spot.

Pit. I'm putting Pitt in there. I'm putting pit in there. Pit is there until they hurt us. That's true. So they will. That's true. Now, are they going to be there next year?

I don't know. there's we're not we don't need to look that far I mean will will we no no I'll always put pit there generally yeah especially because I know I actually don't have to threaten them well there's always pit like always like they're always lovably mediocre for the most part right and then when they're good they're generally pretty entertaining like this was a very entertaining pit team okay right they had they had somebody you could root for like carte blanche they had James Connor right like you can't write like comes back from cancer and helps other cancer victims and has a good year, right?

Selfish. Selfish. But what form of cancer did he get? The NFL scout asks. Like that's entertaining to me, right? So and Pitt can get there because their fans generally know their pit, right? They're not like, back to national power. They're like, no, we're Pitt. Here's our ceiling. No, no, easy, easy. Back to the top 20. Yeah.

I'm going to pull one way out of left field. Okay. Yukon. I will need an explanation. Because I really want to live in a world where. Randy Edsel's magic only works in stores. His 8 and 5 magic. Yeah, where that's basically, that's his Hogwarts.

Where it's like, oh, all the mystical shit I can do here, but I leave and my uncle just hates me. Just hates me. You have to get up a narrative to get there. Can I give another selling point? Yeah. We'll include this with The Post. They do have one of my favorite discarded mascot logos ever. Yeah, sure.

Which is the anxious husky. Sure, lazy-eyed husky. The anxious, lazy-eyed husky contemplating death, mortality, and the infinity of the universe. Is that from, like, the 30s of the 40s or something? I think it's from the 50s. It feels like it was drawn before anyone had actually seen a husky in the wild. It was like a police sketch of a husky. It definitely, yeah, it's early Cold War concerned husky.

Like, boy. It was kind of kind of Picasso quality to it. Maybe it's just. Yeah, you're like, who, man. Got the dullest brothers in charge of both branches of the military. It is a dog plucked from Guernicca. The best old logo is Kansas has, like, some extremely artsy old logo. Like, the Jayhawk look like it's made of, like, pasting together shapes.

It looks like Sesame Street made a Jayhawk or something like that. Well, and then there's the super old screwed up Albert. There was a whole time where nobody in America could draw animals. I think we did a post on this, the worst old logos. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I did worst old costume mascots.

It's the scariest old cross of Stan Scots. All right, I'll accept Yukon at three. Thank you. You heard it, Yukon number three. Boom. Yeah. You got any thing or anybody? No, by the way, I'm not open to just teams.

If you got somebody who you're like, like, I have somebody who's a non-team entity to put into the top ten? I'd like to put Oregon on here. They've been through a lot of shit, man. When you really look back at it, they have been through a lot of shit. Just a team was terrible for decades. and when they got good. They couldn't quite. I had the rug pulled out from under them

in two of the worst ways of the past decade, and they lost another title game. And then, you know, it looked like, you know, the window had completely closed. And now it looks like, okay, let's, you know, let's see if you make another run out of it, even though Washington is good again. But, you know, we like Willie Taggart,

and then it did a couple seemingly dickish things since arriving at Oregon. But I really like the latest one. the dust up with the local beatwriter who reported on the Rabdo thing it was this beef Willie's not going to talk to the guy anymore or whatever and there's this national outcry among media people

which if you, if you listener didn't see that, good for you. That means you're not a media person. You don't care what media people say about media people to other media people. The enemy of the people. Yes, yes. And then it seemed that Willie squashed it by putting up a selfie of himself with this media member.

But if you look closely at the photo, the dude is standing behind Willie. So it's almost like Willie's just saying, there's a picture of myself with a fan. Like, there's some guy behind me. I don't know. I'm never going to talk to him. And I appreciate that.

I will also accept Oregon in the emotional top 10 because they do have the finest mascot. The duck. Puddles is not the name. It's the duck. You can call in Puddles, though, because it'll make about 19 Oregon fans furious. It's really, really furious.

But there is, yeah, there's no person. They're tweeting us now, and they haven't. This episode isn't even out. It's incredible. You can even put it in, like, nickname quotes. And they'll say that, oh, that is not. his nickname. And it's like, yes, it is. A nickname can be anything. Like, there's not a government ID for a nickname. Are you known by any other aliases?

Oregon's mascot, Dr. Waddles. That's what it is. You said it's not puddles. Hashtag Dr. Waddles. Dr. Wattles. Where did you get us, Dr. Stantford? This is what we're going to call the knockoff. Like, if there are knockoffs of Nikes, there should be a knockoff Oregon mascot. So Dr. Waddles should exist as the doppelganger. I think that's the Robo Duck. Yeah, the Robo Duck. No, Dr. Waddles is different.

Dr. Waddle's created the Robo Doc. He's a lead... Dr. Robotnik. He's all exists in the sonic universe. Yeah. Or is Tails Puddles his son? Let's do one more and then we'll have five. Yeah, then we'll come back and we'll do the...

Because this is good, structured podcast. Man, the listeners are going to be on the edge of their toilets. To remaining, to see the top five. Oh, well, who else will be? on this arbitrary list. All preseason rents are arbitralists. God damn it. Tell me. There are no data points. You're being lied to. Reveal your secrets?

So yeah, give us a fifth. Yeah, I do have a fifth that I want to throw in here. And it's I think slightly surprising, but I'll take it. They're not exactly my kind of team. I'm feeling super fond right now of Wisconsin because Wisconsin has... I love it, yeah. Yeah, because they've returned

to Fat Guy Football. This is, there's no hedging. They don't like to pass. They prefer not to pass. They'd rather just roll on the ground for three hours. And they are sort of becoming amped up Kansas State, where it's like, they don't recruit well and they don't get anybody. What the hell are they doing? It's like, yeah, they still want 10 games. I don't know what to tell you.

Yeah, it keeps happening. How do you recruit? Yeah? You went 7 and what? Cool. I would really love the idea of Wisconsin winning the Big Ten this year. Like, Urban Meyer, Jim Harbaal, James Franklin should have a top five team. Wisconsin just

and a barrel of cheese rolls over all of it just a giant barrel of cheese crushing everything like Donkey Kong through a barrel of cheese I mean I do love that because that would be the most

like non-star non that would be the most lofi like Big Ten unfancy way to win things right that would be like who's winning this contract and you're like Boring Corp

Boring Corp is just going to Boring Corp just came in and leveled everyone you're right you're like what do their offices look like Like, they don't have an office. They don't.

They work out of a van. It's a factory. It's a factory. It's a factory. Yeah. What do they, how did they get here in their truck with buckets and ladders on it? Like,

it's almost like a. What are the buckets and ladders for? Nothing. Just for show. The buckets are full of even tiniar ladders. That's how we get to the second floor of the bar. The ladder. Like, was it a hostile takeover?

No. It was pretty polite. They're real nice people. Yeah. And in case like, They do have, like, a really promising quarterback if you want something fancy to sort of hang it on. He won't do anything, but... No.

No, I mean, he's not going to do anything. He might be good in the NFL. Plus, the better Wisconsin does, over time, the more Arkansas fans can panic and be like, wait, they didn't need... They didn't need Burt. What are we doing over here? We've been swindled. We've been swindled by this silver-tonged fatty. Yeah, I mean, they have...

That damn Barry Alvarez. A bill of goods, I tell you. Shipping back up the river. They also have like classic setting. Camp Randall is a great thing. You know, they do jump around, which every time I see it, I'm like, that seems slightly less impressive on television than it might otherwise look, right? But they also drink a lot. Their fans are really fun, and I'm not going, we should not shy away from it.

They're very fun because they're very drunk. They're very intoxicated. Among the drunkest fans. Yes. and drunk off of things that you would never even normally assume one could drink in combination with the other. Stuff that comes out of trucks.

Yeah, and it's not just drinking because it's fun to drink. It's partly matter of survival. It gets cold up there. Yeah, when they met LSU fans, it was my favorite combination of two tribes that had never met but instantly recognized each other as equals and brothers, right?

Like, do you like alcohol? Yes, yes. Do you like food? Yes. Do you like it in soupies? stewy form. Yes. I want to drink all my meat.

Cured. Do you like cured meats? We like cured meats. Do you like meat smoothies? Montfrire. Do you like to eat outside, even if the weather is shit? Very much. Very much so.

What kind of weather? Let's not talk about that. Let's not talk about the varying degrees of that. That's the only distinction. Yeah, was your best man, the carcass of a deer you freshly killed? Yep. Oh, my God. We cousins!

We should start a new conference. Yeah. So that's our emotional top five, our top ten thus far. We've done five. Let's answer a question or two. Sure. Are we sure we did five? Yes, I'm sure.

I counted. I actually counted. Damn, that's a fact check. That's a fact check right there. Anybody else pulling up a question? All right. Here's one. This is from West Sparkman at West Sparkman.

I'm an Old Miss fan. What should I do this season? Who should I cheer for? Well, first of all, Old Miss, because they're going undefeated. I've already called that that if nothing matters and everything is going to be redacted and you can't compete for anything

or go to a bowl game, that's what Ole Miss is going on defeated. That's when you catch fire. Exactly. You're going to want, so your next head coach maybe for Troy. Okay.

Maybe go get Neil Brown from Troy because they should be pretty good again this year. Yeah, fun to watch too. Like they're really, yeah. And if you're Ole Miss, what do you want? You want the prime. of the early Hugh Free's years, which is like,

we're just going to play some fucking high school ball and it'll piss off next haven. Hey, go get Neil Brown. So I'll get even more specific with it. I like that, by the way. Thanks. It's a great call. Ole Miss starts the season hosting South Alabama

and UT Martin. You're rooting for your opponents in those games. You got a tank. Yep. Then you're going to Cal. You're rooting for Cal in that game, too. It's treacherous. And this is why.

After a bye week, you're going to Alabama. And that's where you're rooting for Old Miss again. Because the only thing funnier than good, maybe cheating, Ole Miss, beating Alabama would be bad, definitely cheating Old Miss beating Alabama. What we want is one and 11 Ole Miss. With the one, yes, that's right. You want to take the scalp and then it's sort of like a sea monster wrapping around a ship and dragging it to the bottom. You're like, I don't think that the sea monster's in a better position, but the ship is definitely thoughts. But it's a real smartly dressed sea monster.

Also, let me give you somebody else. It has nice hair. This will make you bleed. It'll hurt a little bit. But let me give you somebody else to root for it, okay? If you're an Ole Miss fan. You should root for Mississippi State. No, no, no.

No, no, no. Long plan. So you want you just want to block Dan Mullen in? No, you want Dan Mullen to take which job, the Florida job? We don't know. Okay. We don't know. But that's not the point.

Right. He's not going to take a job in conference. He'll take the Patriots job. He'll take a job somewhere else. And guess what you'll have as a hire at Mississippi State? Well, guess where their AD just went, Florida? They got a new dude, right? So you don't really know whether he's going to hire anyone competent.

Right. You also know that the level of competition in state, it's going to be bad if Mullen's there already because he's beating you with scraps, right? He's beaten you with a famously recruited only by U.T. Chattanooga quarterback, okay? You don't actually want Dan Mullen to stay there any, longer because it's definitely not going to get any easier. You want Rich Rod pulling 24-hour weeks

at Mississippi State. Just be like, yeah, just, you know, trying to make my 20. Just really want to get that pension and then sail off. They're never peeling Rich Rod out of Tucson, though. You know why, right? Because of the oil deal. Right. Like, he's got the most whewhee, horn swogling, like bank cracking, crazy prospecting contract.

I don't know, but with the future of fossil fuels, I mean, maybe Mississippi State, Let's say we get you in on that solar. We give you 15 shares of the sun. Here. How you like that? You own the sun! You heard of that Elon Musk fella? We know him real well here in Starkville.

They call it Stark-Con Valley. We got Stark-Vagas. We got the Stark-Aa Mountains. That's actually Eli-Musk. He lives out of town. He's a trapper. Eli-Musk, Jr. Trapper slash car detailer.

He's a different guy. Sorry, he's real close friends with Fred's movie. pretty smart though my sister dated cooper musk for a little while cooper yeah if there isn't eli there's got to be a cooper that even transcends the man is there's always a cooper there's always a cooper and they're like you know he's the real cool one in the family nobody talks about you know what he's cute yeah old coop man in some ways he overcame the most cooper musk he'll take you to mars for free he had leukemia of the fingernail he's fine uh yeah that's that's what i think you should root for because you eventually

like if you have nothing to root for, then you just hope Mississippi State has their best season ever and somebody finally recognizes that Dan Mullen has done a really good job. I saw somebody say that like, in Dan Mullen's time, he's only won 61 games at Mississippi State. Go back and look. Yeah, yeah.

These last three words are the keys. Look at the depths that this program has been at frequently. I've only killed four dragons. I remember when Penn State hired James Franklin and the argument was, he's never won more than eight games at Vanderbilt or whatever, like one, eight games at Vanderbilt.

Those are the keywords here. Yeah, he's just a recruiter. Those are good. Yeah, that's fine. That's okay. He doesn't have to call a play. Now, if you're following this plan, do you also have to root for Mississippi State in the Egg Bowl?

No. Because that's crossing the streams. And crossing the streams is bad. Now, we've been here. We have. Pretty recently in terms of, I need to root against my own team in this game to make sure the long-term health of the program is insured.

I need this limb to be set. But there's no way they're keeping you freeze. So we've got to talk the maximum number of wins you can have if one of them is over Bama and still be able to make a coaching change. Right, so you've got to get hammered in the egg bowl. He's got to get fired before the egg bowl and then your interim wins. Okay. So we need a win over Bama and then tank hard until Hugh is gone.

Yeah. So you got to hope. Simple. You've got to hope for the tank, and you got to hope, ideally what you do is you have a beneficial beheading at Mississippi State where the head decides to join a new body. And then at Old Miss, you get Neil Brown. So, oh, shit, here we go.

How about this? Look out. I got it. I got it. You hired Dan Mullen before the Egg Bowl. What? Huh? You got more money than they do.

Wow. That's good. Dan might even have to move. He'd do it. He might not even have to move. You do it? I don't like my house here I don't think he should stay living where he does

and sticks the old must stuff Yeah I feel like that's a security risk I don't know I think he likes to piss people off He's got an antagonistic streak to Yeah Ah haughty toddy It's great up here Plus there will be a sizable portion of the Mississippi

State fan base that convinces themselves It's some sort of double agent scenario No Dan's still one of us No He knows the co-word There's reasons to believe that by the way And then he immediately snitches on Mississippi State.

From Clangle with love. Yeah, just auto distructs, right? Who's the former coach? Never mind. He dumps everything. You said immunity. That's the way the NCAA works. You said it. That's what you told a certain coach in Mississippi State a couple months ago. Hey, listen, Little Country Coal, United States did that with Germany, and that's how we got to the moon. I'm just saying, I'm just saying, immunity can work for you long term.

All right. Didn't think we'd be comparing Mississippi State to Nazis this early, but. Well, you know, hey, haiti-toddy. Off-season's a funny thing, isn't it? We were given an assignment by an Ole Miss fan, and I believe we followed through because we called Mississippi State Hitler. That's all they want to hear. Next question? You got one?

I don't have one yet. Okay. Keep digging. All right. Well, that's, all right, so we've all, our whole college football crew has been assembled here over the past couple days. So this should be easy, I think. Aaron Evans at A.G. Evans 901. Which SBN college football contributor is the sloppiest drunk?

It's not Floyd. It's not Floyd. No, no. He has that Washington State perma... Pacific Northwest. He'll demolish anyone. He has extra blood in his system is what it is. It's sort of just like deploys.

Yeah, yeah. Also, he is in the room right now, as always. Yeah. Floyd, any thoughts? So stoic. He's hammered right now. You can't even tell. I would also rule out, I'd rule out Jason.

You're just level. I get loud and friendly, but. That's normal. Remain composed. That's not crazy. I know the answer to this question. You do? Dan Rubinstein.

Yeah. It's Dan Rubinstein. Because it's not me or you. We're just the same. Because with Dan, we're talking a glass and a half of wine? Yes. Dan, infamously low tolerance. And proudly so.

And I've also been to New Orleans with Dan where he boasted about the fact that he'd never been hungover, despite the fact that he went to a state university. And two days later was shit-faced on a balcony screaming random names at Passersby. Just out there like, Spencer Hall, Ramsey Nasralla, Jim Bankoff.

These people were not there. He was just screaming names. I mean, it is very Oregon. It's efficient. It's like an Oregon practice. We're going to get the maximum amount done in the least amount of time, and that includes drunkenness. The only thing I do when I get drunk is I talk extremely nasty trash

while I'm beating you in NCAA football. That's true. That's it. That is a thing that you do. Not kind at all. Every trace of sympathy or empathy I might have had or kindness just disappears into a long stream of you can't defend a slant, can you? Call, call, call, over again.

And that came from a lifetime of playing video games with my dad. Spencer is a very dickish NCAA player. He's the Lane Kiffin of this shit. He'll find the one play that he'll find your button and he'll push him. I spurier it. Yeah, we're just going to call the same three plays and you're going to get like tears in your eyes. Also Spencer will blitz every play as well. Yes.

You have to do that. Or cover eight. There's no in between. If you're playing Luke Zimmerman, you're going to need like cover 20 because he will bomb you. He'll go deep on you every play and it'll work. He's an Ohio State fan. He had years of watching like restrained three-yard passing. He's just so much.

It's just repression there that he's getting out of his state. I hate you, father! Take this poster out. Do you want to finish up our top five, or the rest of our emotional top ten? I think we can do that. Finish up the rest of our emotional top ten. I was trying to think of a big 12 team,

and I'm just going to pass. I'm going to... Let me go Kansas. Okay. Their futility last year got me out of a debt. A chicken debt. Yeah, I'm debt-free. I've Dave Ramseyed that shit, thanks to the Kansas Jayhawks.

First, I saved $1,000, and then I was a trillionaire. There's talk of what Godfrey and I will bet on this next year. I propose betting on Kansas' recruiting class because they started with a top five recruiting class. No takers there. I propose top 45 as the over-under, but that didn't stick. I'll take, I mean, it's confusing because we already have PIP, but I'll take West Virginia. Okay. If we need an emotional Big 12 team to rally behind.

Dan Hulgerson has hung on there kind of longer than I predicted in any direction. Yeah, I thought like if successful, gone. Right. Then I thought if struggle, ooh. Yeah, also gone. But he's done both. Yeah. He has all things to all people.

Yeah. And that's why he can't be arrested. I'm a citizen of the world. Your handcuffs don't work on me. Yeah. I'll go with, I'll go with Debby. Okay. We talked about him a little earlier, but.

Nick Fitzgerald, man. I'm, like, not a team. Right. I'm just going to put Nick Fitzgerald in Mississippi State. Number seven. Yeah, because this is. On our hit list. Yeah. Spencer's counting on his hands.

I think that's eight. Yeah, this is number eight on our, you know, or if we're counting down, this is number three on our emotional top ten. Okay. But I'm putting Nick Fitz because he's classic Dan Mullen style quarterback. He will power run. He will option. He's a better thrower than you think. Like, he's got really good touch.

There's a beautiful cut film that Cole Kublich put up on Twitter, which shows him like, Megan throws over linebackers with touch, which I know that if you watch Tim Tebow's work with Dan Mullen, that's new, you know, but that's not Dan's fault. That's probably Tim's. Like, I don't want to say he looks like Dak Prescott, but he plays a lot like Dak Prescott.

In fact, like a better runner. If you watched him against Old Miss, Nick Fitzgerald was a terror. So he's just going to be fun to watch. If you give somebody in that offense the chance to work with a run, pass option on every single play, then you're going to end up with some really entertaining football. So, yay, Nick Fitz, you know, big Lummixie quarterback out of Mississippi State. Put me down for – I already have two ACC teams. No, I have – actually, I have one more ACC – because the ACC is so fun right now.

This is actually when you look at it, you're like, oh, I named like four ACC. or five ACC thing. Yeah, that's because they made good hires. That's because they play entertaining football, right? For the most part. I can see Ryan's face has one where he's like, I don't know about that. Who would you call bullshit on here if I'm... Boston College?

Yeah. It's fine. It's fine. They don't. Yep. We're going to have to relegate them. I was going to propose Syracuse. Yeah, no, no.

Okay. Can I go havesies on this with like a Dino pick? Yeah, because I was going to pick Dino Babers. But, yeah, we'll go on this, because Syracuse is ridiculously entertaining. Yeah, they're fun, they play indoors, second year in a system. They return a shitload, and they return enough on defense that might, you know, the offense might actually be worthwhile. If you score 61 points, you might win.

I believe they return, like, almost literally their entire defense. Not that that's, that's, like, you know, saying a prime rib sandwich returns the bread. I realize it's not the focal point. Yeah, but. it's it technically has to be there if we're in the sandwich category right that's kind of the way defense works the roster minimum you have to put 11 players on the field i really love like you'll be penalized if i were if i were to come i don't know i don't think you will actually they said you forfeited this drive if i were simmed you've simmed to do offense if i were in coaching by the way that's where i would break in as a defensive coordinator who openly embraces the notion that my guys are just there to get turnovers and that's it right Like, I would love that, right? What do you have to do?

We're going to play Gapsound and get turnovers, man. You're not going to run on us, and we're going to pick off the ball. How many yards are you going to allow a game? 700. A lot. Yeah. How many picks are you going to get, seven? Like, that's it.

We're just going to play arena ball. I would love to do that because every other defensive coach has this, like, nothing. I surrender nothing. We attack. Texas Tech has been trying this for about three years. I know. I want to be the one who figures it out, though, man.

If you're the guy who figures that out, who right to check. There is no. thing or person or team in the SEC East that I can come up with for an emotional top ten. Don't have to. Okay, I just wanted to make... That was more me thinking out loud. Yeah.

You're in the clear. Okay. Forget that. You hire badly and you do bad things. We don't care. How many spots do we have left? One. We got one left for Ryan. Ryan gets first grab at it. Well, no, I want to... I'll hear you. All right. Let's lobby. Let's lobby. Okay, go ahead. We'll lobby.

I'm going to request USC. Okay. You're losing... You're losing some... beloved, lovable players, but they always have, you know, like 18 super fast wide receivers who do terrible things with their feet. Sam Darnold, very entertaining quarterback.

Have a coach who is, like, not going to do anything super stupid that seems to be his claim to fame. It's a USC where, granted, it probably won't be top five level USC, but we're still talking about a USC, where things just stand out of the way and let the awesome players be awesome.

Okay, Spencer, who you got? I was going to go to a pick that if I had said it a year ago, you would have assumed I was suffering a stroke more than usual. Boiler up. I'm going Purdue because, man, Jeff Brougham, Jeff Brom, it won't be perfect in year one.

In fact, they probably won't win a game. Is this the year they're getting lights? Is that happening? I believe so. I think we're not. That's a facility's upgrade. So they're going to flicker out. Yeah.

Purdue in the dark. Actually, I have been postponed to a... I have every confidence in Purdue doing lighting correctly and then their social media being the worst in the nation because they're engineers, right? So the lighting will be perfect. I had a really, like, this is a side thing. I had a discussion with a guy who does stadium lighting.

And if you ever want to have, like, a geeky conversation, oh, man. Stadium lighting? Stadium lighting is a thing. Like, what you see on TV versus what works and then what doesn't work on TV, there's like way more thought into making sure that your slow motion

doesn't strobe. Do you remember this HD replays, like especially on Fox if they showed them that the HD would slowly strobe right, like if they showed you slow motion? Well that's because the lighting standard was actually this like frequency that would flicker and it would

flicker to a rate that you couldn't tell with your naked eye but if you slowed it down you could actually see the electric you can see the signal pulse right of the light. That's why you don't see that anymore because lighting geeks saw that and, you know, we're like, you need really expensive LEDs. It's like in a car commercial where the car wheels look like they're going backwards. Like Noel Devine's legs.

Correct. Going by, even while they're moving forward at a terrifying rate of speed. So I've thought it over. And this is actually a pretty easy decision. Okay. The goal in any, anytime you're doing any sort of rankings in March for college football, the goal is not accuracy. The goal is not to show how smart you are ahead of time. The goal is to rile people up by doing things that are unexpected. So respectfully, I'm picking Purdue.

Purdue is in our emotional top 10. In our emotional top 10. Plus. Also, we didn't specify which emotions. I think, it could be revulsion. I know EDSBS commenters are going to appreciate that this is literally the first time that I can remember we've said anything positive about Purdue.

Also, we have just butted in on podcast, ain't played nobody's territory. That's right. But Purdue is our team now. Plus, if I had to choose, if we're going to have Kyle Orton on this show or Matt Liner, I'd pick Kyle Orton. Yeah, we're going to have a better time. He had a better NFL career?

We're going to have a more. Show me I'm wrong. You can't. Nope. Purdue, cradle of quarterbacks. We're going to be less intimidated when they take their shirts off. Hey, listen, just trying to be best of the sport, not at working out. Les Miles is, by the way, always on the top 10, the emotional top 10.

He's number 11. He's 10B. Now he's 11 on the top 10. The non-theoretical one, right? Or he's like the train to Hogwarts, right? He's number two and three-quarters. What is his play this season? Is it to do the Houston Nut just constantly circle vulturing for possible scrap jobs?

Or is it to just sit out and be cool? Or is it to do TV, which is that everyone wants him to do? Or is it to attempt to join Alabama staff as an offensive consultant? And Sabin just... We're only going to pay you 17,000 a year. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's all good. Okay, coach, whatever you need. Got that.

What's your offensive line plan? Grit. Well, who do we block, coach? Grit. Everyone. Strength. Are you trying to tell me this guy beat me? The team.

Nick's like, this is way easier than I thought. I work like 90 hours a week. I could have just done this. I don't know how he does it. He's a goddamn genius. He has a national championship, really? He does. Yeah, exactly.

That was why I thought Gene Chiswick retiring was absolutely the best. He's 55, and he's like, oh, football's stressful. I think I'm just going to enjoy everything else about it. Football is actually kind of bad. Yeah. He is more than Mark Rick. That's what you're, okay. I think Gene Chisick, I will say that.

I think Gene Chisick's a little further along on his, like, spiritual walk than Mark Rick. On his life path, because Mark Rick really, after Georgia just should have hung it up. And I don't say that because he can't do his job. I'm just saying that because who wants that job? I don't know. If you get the chance to take over your alma mater, and it's a position for some success, give that a few years.

Would you take the Florida job if offered? Florida job? No. Have you seen how much money they pay? No. I don't want it. You don't want that money? I don't want that money.

I will accept the Florida Gators head coaching job. Now, I'll work for you. That's fine, yeah. You want defense or offense? Who wants what? Oh, an offensive coordinator, always. I'm Mr. Tubis. You're stuck with defense.

Special teams. Special teams. We don't have a D-Coronator. I'll do that. I'll do that. Yeah, that's fine. It's Florida. We don't care about defense.

That's fine. What do you want on defense? I want two really angry people who mall everyone. We'll have each position on offense. I need a safety who every play you're like, uh, it might not be legal. Yeah,

you need just a walking personal foul. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Like, did we, we stole him from Miami? Yeah.

Okay, cool. Yeah. I want some dude on my defense who dances when he probably shouldn't be dancing. That's, that's exactly what. in the middle of a play. Exactly, which has happened in Florida. Yeah, frequently.

Yeah. I believe it was Easley. Dominic Easley, who used to dance and roll along the line. He would do the combat role for no reason, right? Very 1973. Yeah, like, ha-cha! And you could just see the tackle across him and being like, come on. What the fuck?

This dude is not doing callous things. I'm just trying to get through the day. Quit it with this shit. That's my favorite thing about offensive linemen when they face D. Lyman is that, like, when D. Lyman do stuff like that. They're just, they're not even angry. They're just like, ah, I'm almost at the end of the work day. I got every offensive lineman has a pension somehow.

Yeah. I got Calcombe work to finish. Every officer lineman is an extremely responsible citizen. I got a union card and three kids. I'm just trying to get out of here and do some volunteer work. Every defensive lineman is, I got a black belt and fucking you up. That's not an actual marshal. Also, also shining news from this week before we do this, just in case you,

want a little twinkle of the guide star over the horizon indicating that dawn is approaching and eventually we'll get through this night and get towards a full season of college football. The Mack schedule came out and in November, the entire month of November, zero Saturday games.

Zero! In case you wonder whether the Mac has just embraced the fact that they are going to be your weeknight booty call for all things college football, no matter what weeknight that is. Should they just do that year? Should the Mac just never play on Saturday?

Oh, they shouldn't play in the fall. Yeah. If the Macs is saying, you know what? Our season starts in April. Fuck you. How are you not going to rank us, number one? What if? Preseason poll, we're already at.

We won 10 games. What if all the mid-majors just did spring football? Yeah. And then, you know, like the really stubborn ones. Okay, you see. Let me give you well. Let me go double bootleg on you here, okay. They're not going to be able to get around the NCAA on that, right?

They won't. They'll be like, well, to play. Exactly. So, so follow me here, okay? You get schools which are poorly accredited or unaccredited. You get them in a totally separate league that plays in the spring. They're playing for nothing, right? And everyone can watch that.

And you can make the rules pretty much what they are. It's the XFL without an actual budget. And that's how Sizzler University wins the national championship. Go Hawkeyes. Could have been the Cyclones. Why you got to slander Iowa?