Shutdown Fullcast - Shutdown Fullcast 4.8.0

Episode Date: March 23, 2016

An extremely slow college football week means we're talking about all of the following: --A casual examination of random selections from the Rick James autobiography, including his relationship with Linda Blair and the time Rick James brought cocaine INTO Colombia --How having kids means you'll see about two movies a year in the theater, and how one of those movies will definitely not be that Superman vs. Batman trash --The dramatic overrepresentation of Boston in film, and how we're going to start the Houston-centric film genre with Jason's classic "Good Trill Hunting" --Why the Longhorn Network should work the 2005 BCS Title game into every bit of its programming, every day --Does Mike Gundy even care if he lives or dies anymore? And is he the most Universally Orange Coach? --Why now is the perfect time for a thriving Big 12 to absolutely nuke itself --An appreciation of the joy of stealing golf carts Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown fullcast, probably the least college football heavy college football podcast on these internets. I am Spencer Hall, editorial director, SB Nation, founder of Everyday Should Be Saturday.com. I want to tell first Jason Kirk joining us from Kennesaw. Hi, Jason. Hey, what's happening? If we ain't the least college football, college football podcast, then we will die trying to reclaim that honor. that's true and uh ryan nanny joining us in this endeavor from brooklyn new york new york hi yeah oh it's so ecstatic to be in the big apple i'm just doing this to kill time

of four oj but that's fine can can you update people by the way on the grandeur of that i missed last week wait have you not seen last weeks no i haven't seen last week all right so i won't get i won't get into um you can't speak well hang on have you No, no, no, you can't spoil much. Have you seen disappointed Chris Darden Gifts? I have not. Let me just say this.

Last week is the glove episode. Have you seen Trivolta high-five gif? Yeah. I did see the John Travolta, like, Dap Giff, yeah. Yeah, where he says, no, no, we won't shake hands. We will high-five. Uh-huh. Yeah, it's, it is, it is John Travolta's shining moment.

And it is Pretty special Every time you think that man's career is torpedoed He just boys back to the surface Battlefield Earth style I've never seen Battlefield Earth So I have no idea I've never seen either

I can't say it's a bad movie Because I have never seen it Add that to the off-season list Review Battlefield Earth And not get killed Well before we talked about I don't know One conference to say

deciding to just go ahead and not only air its dirty laundry, but to begin fashioning it into some sort of primitive shiv and then stabbing each other with that dirty laundry. I do want to read to you what I got in the mail today, which is I ordered the Confessions of Rick James, which is not the sanitized autobiography. No, this is the one he published that's pretty much in his own words, so it's absolutely filthy, subtitled Memoirs of a Super Freak by Rick James. Now, let me tell you, the cover is, yes, a fabulous photo of him smoking, wearing a crucifix and a medallion at shirtless with the big old shaggy perm, right? But the title, it's very appropriate that the Confessions of Rick James doesn't appear to have like a clear title or subtitle. It might be called Memoirs of a Super Freak. It might be called the Confessions of Rick James. Either one.

It's not real clear. But on the back, this is what it reads. First of all, it's described as being powerfully written by Rick James. And the headers are, the sex is steamier, the crack cocaine more potent, the music more explosive than any of a dozen other celebrities, dead or alive. Damn. That's a really vague claim. So is that any dozen celebrities combined? Any of a dozen other celebrities.

That leaves me to believe The 12 most coaked out humans in history You combine them Into Mecca Coke God Lindsay Lohans the head And all it wants to do is Are you awake? Yep

Yep You want to go out? You want to go out? Yes Yes Anyone else? No man just me We'll find some people though

Dancing punch and punch and dance and punch and dance and punch The night is full of friends And punching and punch it yeah all I did I tried to just open to a random point in this book I'll give you updates but I tried to open to a random point in this book and I kept pointing to things like I opened it up

and I was like I thought Linda Blair had a voluptuous body and it matured into a beautiful woman so we dated that's like the first thing therefore we dated yeah I also I also opened up to let's see the other one was a story about

Shaka Khan yelling at people while only wearing an overcoat and then jumping into a pool wearing that overcoat. I don't, I bet there's not a passive tense sentence in this novel, in this autobiography, rather. I bet it's all, Rick did this and Rick did that. Let me tell you, let me give you, seriously, I just opened up. The cook was snorted by. I opened it up randomly, just turned it up to page 115, and this is the first paragraph, randomly selected

I did and the whole motherfucker was filled with pure mother of pearl serious top of the line cocaine about two ounces he asked how much I wanted I told him only five keys he said that was no problem

and even gave me a big discount five keys for $25,000 I thanked him and put the keys in a briefcase wait wait I'm sorry one more I need the next sentence is the next day we flew back to Cartagena this is clearly going to be the greatest book I ever read

that's the big college football music so wait so wait he flew back to Columbia with cocaine no I just where it comes from you think they grow that there no no no no no no no no no no Rick brought it back because it was trash Rick flies it in he's the source he's he's oh my God he did it himself A plug of all plugs is Rick James. Who over this dude Rick James buys from. Oh, boy.

Yeah, there's some just spectacular. That's random. Like, I just put it in there. Just put randomly selected Rick James topic. So I'll keep you posted on that. Do you know what the coroner found in his bloodstream at the time of his death? Are you ready? I was going to say, like, a small Navy.

Do you have like a list of Of actual Is it like when you cut open a shark And there's like, holy shit, it ate a lawnmower It's not unlike that This is from Wikipedia His autopsy rather I'm just going to give you the partial list

Alprazolam Hydrocodone Methamphetamine Cocaine Cokane What else we got here? Cytalopram Diasapam

However, the coroner stated that Quote None of the drugs or drug combinations were found to be levels that were life-threatening in and of themselves. What is life-threatening to Rick James? Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's, again, randomly selected.

That probably would have been his bloodstream any time. And when was this book published, Spencer? This book was published, I believe, 2007. Okay. So, was that right after that? The Chappelle thing? Yeah, so it would have been after... It was a couple years.

Yeah, it was probably like three or four years after. So he really took full advantage of getting his second bump of fame bump, if you will. He said, all right, I've been branded as the Coke guy. I'll lean into that, no problem. I don't know if there was any leaning. I think he was just talking. I'll leap into that. I'll bound into that.

There was possibly lean, but there was not leaning. yeah exactly i don't i don't know it doesn't seem his style rip patler rip pimpsy sorry every time you mentioned lean i'm sorry i just think about i know it's bad it's emotional it was too soon yeah that's probably the best thing i've done in the past week because i made a pimpsy emoji for our slackroom that was it you're a very hard worker so hard not a harder working man in the business uh speaking of hard work in men men who are well over 40 at this point

Mike Gundy Oh I thought I thought this is where we're going to talk about Ben Affleck But please go ahead No You know what I'm going to give you We'll get there

We'll get there No this is this is a college football podcast So we will run the option I can either keep the Mike Gundy intro No keep that yeah Keep that Mike Gundy ball And run it right up the scene Or you could transit

From Mick James Rick James to Ben Affle to Jennifer Garner, who probably had an ad during an Oklahoma State game this past year, being mad about credit card miles. Those damn credit card miles. Jennifer Garner's going to kill everyone. She just gets

madder and madder and more empathetic and she's on the verge of tears about these things. Your credit card company's trying to poison your kids. Is that true? Well, I don't know. They haven't said they're not.

She says. I know. This just ends with her garreting some like... Your airline miles are the Weimar Republic. The final Jennifer Garner commercial

is like the end of fight club with all the credit card buildings exploding. It's just her walking away. She took them all down. Or the end of Man of Steel. Don't look at the explosion, Garner.

Don't. By the way, this is like, are you actually, like I'm not, I left the movie going public a long time ago in terms of it's coming out so I'm going to see it

right? Oh yeah I'm guessing you maybe see two movies a year tops in a theater Yes this is correct And probably one of them is for children At least Yeah I'm being generous in giving you the 50-50 split

Yeah that involves showing up on time To a movie That's very very difficult for me But so I have to ask you to this Are you actually going to watch like this Superman versus Batman trash? No. I'm really not.

I mean, I'm in the same boat as you. If my daughter doesn't care, I don't care. And I mean, even if she did, surely there's some cartoon or something we could watch instead. Yeah, and Ryan, you as the person who could actually go see these things? No, I'm just, I'm not spending that money and time.

It might be fine, but no, I'm not doing it. Yeah. That's our review of Batman v. Superman. Yeah, because that's like not, that's the worst contest in the world. What I like is that, so the reviews have started to bubble up on Rotten Tomatoes. They're not great. It's sitting at 42% right now. But when you look at the positive reviews, most of them are like, they're like a snippet of a review that clearly indicates

most of the review is negative. Like this one from a critic... Like it starts with the word, however? I'm going to start with this one from a guy at variety. As a pure visual spectacle, however, Batman v. Superman ably blows the hinges off the multiplex doors. Oh, man. Here's one from People magazine.

If this movie, with its sluggish script, isn't quite the jaw-dropping iPop or it should be, that's okay. The cast is unimpeachable. it's basically so they're saying you had good ingredients it's basically all restaurant reviews

that are like the main course was shit and the appetizer made me sick but the dessert was pretty good they're pinning it all on what's his name the dude who directed it the 300 guy

isn't at him Zach Snyder they're saying you had the full kitchen this is what you cranked out we gave you Ben a Fleck as Batman yeah

I mean this shouldn't have been a hard episode of Chopped, but you fucked it up. We gave you prime rib, baked potatoes, and Ben Affleck. Butter, and Ben Affleck.

That, really, like, people don't see Ben Affleck movies. Like, that's not anything you would actually admit doing, right? Like, ooh, Ben Affleck's in that. Well, you don't, you don't see it for that reason, but, like, Argo was good. Argo was good. The, uh,

what's the last one? The, the, what was about his wife or whatever? Oh, Gone Girl? Yeah, that was pretty good. I think his dick's in that, right? Yeah, yeah. And apparently the actress didn't realize it was happening or something like that. I read, she said, oh, okay.

So we're really going for this shower scene. Which really, Ben Affleck. Sometimes you look up and there's Ben Afflex's Dick. That's life. Ben Affleck's sometimes. That was really like his first, like, non-costumed appearance, really, if we're talking about Ben Afflex's Dick, right? Yeah.

technically hopefully it's been in every scene with him I don't know I mean I get what you're saying but yeah maybe he can check it maybe he can check it at the door its first actual appearance is what you're saying yeah yeah yeah yeah it's always been with us like we've seen it many many many times it's credit it's credit appearance yeah in a film it's official debut I think it's like when it's like when the reluctant co-writer finally appears on screen

oh yeah the guy who writes the movie but only under an alias yeah correct i just i think the mistake was daddy finally started dancing in the videos yeah like like just go ahead you this is part of your career path accept it i think the mistake of this movie was that they did not like some people theorize that they made the trailer shitty so that people would see the movie and be like oh it's not nearly as bad as the trailers but i think they didn't go far enough like i think they should have had they should have filmed some scenes with ben affleck as bruce Wayne and or Batman, spoiler, and just

had him lay on the Boston accent. Just hard. Just hard. Alfred. This fucking guy thinks he can come into my town. This Superman cocksucker?

Yeah, prefer. Thinks he can wear the red cape like big poppy? I think you just use dialogue straight from the 18 Boston Punch Guy movie, The Fighter, and all that crap. The Fighter, the Heist. Just use dialogue straight from, the heist, the group, the boys. I'm walking through that Bat Door. No more overstated cultural influence in America.

Like, Boston's so small. It is, it is, it's like, what, 3.5 million? It's nothing. It would be if we, like, started making a bunch of. movies about San Antonio. Yeah, I was going to say, like, of a comparable size. Like, Houston doesn't get movies made. The Houston Way.

Mystic Riverwalk. We met at the Karabas. I don't actually know if there's a Karabas on the Riverwalk. Good trill hunting. I still got it, y'all. Did he just woo? He did, didn't you? He's giving us the fingers like stone cold.

We just can't see it. It's good. It was good. Ooh, man. That's, yeah. It's like Houston doesn't get that kind of movie, but all of a sudden you get like eight movies about gritty Bostonianism. Maybe Houston will get the new Indiana Jones movie.

It'll just be Indiana on vacation. No, it'll be in Indiana. It'll be in Indianapolis. I'd like to see that at the old Detroit Lions. Stadium. There's got to be some cool shit in there for Harrison to go dig around in. Indiana Jones and Jake Locker at the Combine. Dude, you know, I would pay a sick amount of money to watch an Indiana Jones reboot where he's played by Barry Sanders and he has to find treasure in the Silver Dome.

That's so sad. Just so many chase scenes, I guess. You belong in a museum, Wayne Fontas? Oh, I don't know if he'd do that. He'd probably find him and just let him be crushed. yeah yeah like Detroit Lions Detroit Lions Indiana Jones like an hour in the star quits that seems to be how it works for the Lions

Barry just walked this I'm gone Calvin Johnson walks it no I'm gone too why is this movie so long it seemed right to make three hours and 13 minutes so just got Matt Stafford in a shitty beard playing Sala Dr. Jones like the like the the sword twirling scene where Indy pulls out the gun

Stafford pulls it out and misses You shot it like a foot over him Well take Take two It's Calvin Johnson in the back Ah I quit God damn it

We only had one of those That's the only bullet we threw I'm going to go finish my degree Bye By the way You know like Every time you're watching Indiana Jones Like you're watching like a Welsh

dude play an Arab guy. Yeah. So his name is Sala and he's this really ingenious clever character who's a little stereotyp. Get a Welshman. They can play anybody. Jesus.

He's not English. He's not English. That's how to defend it. He's a little swarthy. I guess. I guess you took him and you just told him not to wash for a couple days. That seems wrong.

Not that Jonathan Rees Davies didn't kill that, okay. That's true. Because he slayed that role. And sliders. He was great in sliders. He was great in sliders. I always get sliders and DSV mixed up in my head. Oh, how dare you, sir?

I know. I am not going to let you fucking slander sequest on this program. DSV is so good, man. But I do get them caught together. That's fine. I think the natural transition from science fiction shows canceled before their prime is probably Oklahoma State football, right? And the Longhorn Network, in that order. In that order.

Speaking of programming, nobody watches. Oh, I'm sorry. I like some of the people who work at the Longhorn Network a lot. It's just sometimes fun to make fun of what a weird idea that is. What's on the, I'm going to look, I'm going to look what's on the Longhorn Network right now. I'm going to guess the time they beat A&M in 2011 or whatever. So... Per sources, that's on there a lot.

Right now, they have a baseball game on. UTSA is playing Texas. That's good. And then they have, until midnight, nothing but a show called Longhorn Extra, which I'm going to assume is like their version of SportsCenter. But tomorrow... Tomorrow, well, at 4.30 in the morning, you can watch something, the 2014 Lyndon Baines Johnson Civil Rights Summit with Barack Obama. A lot of Longhorn Extra, more baseball.

Who, boy. Oh, wait, here we go. Here we go. Five o'clock tomorrow evening. Longhorn Legends Living Room 2005 National Championship. There it is. Back to the basics. I would, you know what?

Every 5 o'clock. I'd have a real hard time not running that last Texas, Texas A&M game every damn afternoon. Like, it's like if I were in charge of a channel to ESPN, I would do nothing but air like the 1996 Sugar Bowl and the 2006 national title game in the festival. I'd just air those, like, back to back to back to back. Let people know they were coming too on Twitter, right? Like, hey, guess what? We're showing that same thing we showed yesterday. How many times do you think they've aired the national championship?

It airs again on Saturday at 2.30. So we could figure this out. Longhorn Network been around since what, 2012? Right. All right, let's say 2012 and then, but the... Let's not look it up. Let's just guess. No, it's the 1,200 days. And if we're showing it, what, it's on Friday and it's on tomorrow. So that probably means it shows three times a week, right? Let's say two, just to be safe.

Because during the season, it's probably not quite as often. It is aired 500 times. Wow. That's my guess. And do you know what? If I were a Texas fan, that's 2,500 times too few. If I got 3,000 days, I'm showing it every single day. It's not a bad plan.

No? What? I just want to give the people what they want. I just, this is demand television. You know what I would show right after it? The 2005 national title game, but with explosions added. Sure. Explosions and airhorns.

It's all we're going to do to revitalize the replay. We're just going to like completely hennessee it where we just do the CVS bangers thing. Here's the Bollywood remake of the 2005 National Championship. I think you force Rick Perry to come in and do commentary. He doesn't have anything to do right now. I understand he's available. Just split-screen it. One is Rick Perry on a shooting range.

The other one is the 2005 National Championship. See, that's the solution. It's not that, like, don't just rely on re-airing the 2005 National Championship game. Just always air it in the background of something. So have original programming. But, like, if it's an interview show where, you know, studio personality is interviewing, random athletic team coach just make sure that the TV in the studio

is always playing the 2005 National Championship game or maybe the news ticker at the bottom is the play-by-play from that game just get creative just always have an element of it the other thing you could do is if we want a third programming option

just to add into the queue here is the 2009 national title game the first like seven plays of it just play those over over like look we're moving the ball against Bama. Yep, that was the end of the game. That's how it went. Yeah, that's it. Just remix games or maybe have clever prompts in live action shows that you're doing, right?

Like, I don't know. I think the Longhorn Network isn't taking advantage of its real true power by not doing a Texas Longhorn themed soap opera. Like an actual in-studio, you know, where they only have like five rooms and they have to make them look like, oh, we're outside. Like a Texan novella. Stare into the skin. dude the texan novella would be such a fantastic genre

he started on the longhorn network and in the middle of scenes you go you just have these random like oh what's the score on that game you can be like Reggie Bush just fumbled just lateraled it away wasn't that funny so you have like ten scripted fictional shows and they're all set in the year 2005 they're all set during that game

that's it they're all set that's actually a pretty brilliant kind of like you could actually do some pretty cool artsy stuff with this. El Ombre, Matt Leinert, es my honorably. A shot of Matt liner in like a really huge turtleneck. Klaastina, Bob Stoops. Oh, man. See, this has legs.

And then you combine it and we just, all Longhorn Network needs to do is they need to air nothing but Lucha Libre. They need to do more of that. Wow. That would be, and Charlie would be into that. That's, you know what? Seeing little dudes, he likes some more heft on them. This is what you do. Every time Charlie has a discipline issue with a player on the team,

they got to go into the cage with him. They got to go in the ring. I'm sorry, guess who's the guest contested on Lucha Underground that week? Once we just port that over. Oh, guess what? It's you. It's you. And Dario Cueto wants to talk to you.

Hey, do you have time for breaking news? I do. Jim Harbaugh. He's doing shit on Twitter. Oh, God. Oh, God. You may be... Did he just endorse Trump?

Hang on, I'll talk for a minute. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You may remember Ohio State Athletic Director, Gene Smith. Oh, damn, son. Earlier today, Gene Smith made a little bit of a comment about Jim Harbaugh and Michigan holding practices in Florida. This was his quote. If we were jump-starting our program, I'd probably try to do that too. As college football burns go, it's pretty good.

It's certainly not the most aggressive he could have been. But it's befitting that rivalry. Uh, Spencer, why don't you tell us what Jim Harbaugh said to just, uh, a mere four minutes ago on Twitter. Good to see director Smith being relevant again after the tattoo fiasco. Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back. Oh, goodness. It's, ooh, yep.

It's, it's really, it's really funny. to think of Jim Harbaugh tweets and imagine if they were sent by Lane Kiffin, how much people would just be like, what an asshole! This guy is the worst. He hasn't learned anything. But because of Jim Harbaugh, everybody's like,

yeah, smack him in the mouth. I don't know. A lot of people get mad about Harbaugh. Oh, Harbaugh is such an asshole. And I don't know what, I mean, not just Ohio State fans either. I don't really understand it.

but a lot of people do react to it it's it kind of feels like we're rooting for cobra kai and it's fun i don't have a problem with it but yeah no jim harbaugh's just like yeah pissed in your garage not even sorry hashtag greatness i mean yeah tattoo fiasco hey uh speaking of michigan and tattoos hey

hey here's here's a non-breaking news update oh yeah no i haven't gotten it yet extremely stagnant news what is there is there a timeline is there like i think i have to get one before the next one right so that's like a couple of weeks before the next what the next fundraiser oh yeah that would be in a couple of weeks so uh if michigan wins again do they get three tattoos

uh no they don't get three what kind of michigan math is that they get to put a chip in him because I'm pretty sure you put a tattoo on the line before just this past time around. But we didn't hit the goal for the last time. Okay. So they didn't hit it. Hey, my attorney, Ryan, has informed me that that one was Nolan Boyd. I do think he still owes as a stretch goal from a couple years ago a five-song Acapella Billy Joel cover album, which he has not delivered.

Oh, please. Well, I am in New York next week. So being in a New York state of mind will put me in a mood to where we can probably knock that out. What? Like in the Virgil's studios? We can kick the verge out. We got the sound booth, man. I'm booking the studio for that.

You're going to sound crystal. You're going to sound crystal. This is a song about making a song for Billy Joel. Songs you hear with your ears. Because sound travels through air and some other things. hits the very small bones. I should just, yeah, I should just read from the Rick James bio

in the original voice. Acid time, when you take an acid all the time. The cocaine was of the highest quality. Anita Baker wouldn't shut up. Man, Rick James hates Anita Baker. It is so, he says some of the nastiest things about her.

So, yeah, I don't. Should we go all the way back to Mike Gundy Oh, man, this is just a... All over the place. It's an absolute mess. That's cool. We can talk about Gundy,

because Gunty, Jason, being the factual person here, do you happen to have Mike Gundy's comments queued up? No. I was not told to prepare that. But I can find them quickly for it. I mean, go ahead and find those. The short version is, Mike Gundy's thesis is,

if you want to be a successful power conference in football, you need a conference television network, even though the Pac-12 has recently been raked over the coals for the failures of its network, even though the ACC, I think still doesn't have one, although if they don't soon... Launching any day now. Then ESPN has to pay them for the lack thereof.

Which the ACC sounds like it's... Kind of like, you know, okay. That's about the same. And even though it is not hard to find any article that sort of is like, hey, sports on TV, maybe not great, maybe not in a great situation now that people don't have to pay for it who don't watch it. But his thesis all this name is. Yeah, Gundy says if Texas doesn't can the Longhorn Network, they're going to be in the Pac-12 or SEC. And obviously, that would be bad for the rest of the Big 12. in a way

yeah I this is just this is so weird to me all right let's go back to this Mike Gundy's making these comments

when we really haven't even determined kind of what his long term status is at Oklahoma State no right yeah he very well could be in the pectover SEC soon too

yeah but not as Oklahoma State's coach like as an assistant or well his it seems like he fluctuated It's annually, based on whether Oklahoma State is overachieved or achieved, between hot seat and, like, you know, next rising name at USC or whatever. Like, he gets thrown around for basically everything between fired and, you know, the Cowboys, the Dallas Cowboys. Yeah, also, any team that wears orange, he just gets thrown into that Tennessee job a lot, always.

Like, Tennessee? I'm like, because he has an accent. Is that really the big selling point there? The hair, though, he's got NASCAR hair. That's a man. Yeah, he does some. Especially when he wears the shades. Oh, yeah. Mike Gundy with the hair and the shades and the headset.

The visor? Looks like he's pissed because somebody, you know, nudged him into the wall. And he might be, of all the people in the world who wear orange for their job, he might be the one who also has the orangish skin. Right. So you could make a case he's the orangest man alive. Govalls. yeah it's either that or clemson either that or clemson or john bainer yeah but yeah that's i i don't know like we know the big this doesn't seem too shocking

either because we know the big 12 is pretty much just a knife party with everyone aimed at texas right yeah yeah that's right 12 drama has i mean we've had entire waves of big 10 cacacac drama big 12 drama has been going for at least seven years now six seven years And it never really changes as to who the focus is on. It's always about Texas. Doesn't Texas like that? I'm sure Texas hates that. No, no, don't make it about us, y'all.

We're just humble little, yeah, they don't care. No. Don't mind little all us. Not over here, no, over here on the veranda. Oh, this old thing? we need to level it and build three more on top of it sit down a spell let me show you the 2005 national championship case

have you watched it today have you seen it today have you heard the good news Texas won the national championship I see why am I much like our Lord and Savior Jesus it happened many years ago but it still counts please catch up on all the latest news on our new Texan novella

El Rancho de Mac Actually, it would be called The Return of the Mac And it would all be about It would just be Mac Brown It would just be Mac Brown Like owning things, right? And just running shit.

You lied to me. Once again. There it is. Well, but I do. But I do, do, do. But I do do. Because remember, Return of the Mac is pretty much,

Mac Brown just saying you shouldn't have gone and gotten someone new you should have just stuck with me even though there was the whole imprisonment in seven and six-ish seasons thing being tased with the shock of losing to

BYU and a certain new Heisel yeah and a certain new Heisel so don't worry that new Heisel is so good he's going to play quarterback in Japan Oh, God, that's true.

I don't know if you made that up or not. No, no, Jerry Newheisel is absolutely, he threw at Pro Day for UCLA, and I'm pretty sure I saw Bruce Feldman say he's off to Japan. I'm verifying this, but yeah. Taking his Texas state championship with him. damn yeah so I don't know like I don't know if Mike Gundy's totally Mike Gundy's basically talking about the Longhorn Network and he's basically saying what everyone's been saying for a long time

and him doing it now is I don't know if it's indicative of him caring even less about his fate and well-being I mean he's been at Oklahoma State for a long time long time what since I mean is this is like 11th year as a head coach and we go back to the 80s in total I guess what I don't understand is every time this happens, the logic is, well, let's make Texas feel bad. Because this whole line of commentary ends with, even on Mike Gundy's part, he's like, they're just going to end up in the Pac-12 or the SEC. I don't think Texas is, that's not like a threat.

You know, he's not like saying, we're going to make them be in the Mac. We're going to make them go to the Mountain West. It's like, no, they'll go to, you know, one of two very successful conferences. that are stable and growing. I guess he's implying that the Big 12 should somehow force Texas to give up the long-hurn network. Because, like, I mean, if Texas goes to the SEC,

then the Aggies get to claim, we were here first, hang a banner. And Texas doesn't want that. And if they go to the Pac-12, they'll be broken. No one will ever see their games because being in the Pac-12 costs you money instead of making you money.

So as far as I understand it. So there are bad things about both of those, but Texas would still. be totally fine. So that's all, I was going to say, that's also basically talking about the big 12 actually not being Texas, right? Like if you're like, oh, you can make them give it up. Okay, you're kind of fundamentally misunderstanding what the big 12 is.

Well, why don't they just, why don't they just make a big 12 network that doesn't include Texas and have that network just effusively praise all the non-Texas schools in a way that drives? Like, isn't that this sort of lever to push here? So you're saying you have one network that shows the 05 national title game and the 2011 A&M game, and you have another network that shows all other Texas games. Right, right. Because Texas loses those games. We're back here.

We're back here at Big 12 network with our rankings of the top head coaches in the Big 12. And, you know, they can just be like, yep, whoever is at Kansas, they're top five. Look at that. Top nine. Top nine head coaches. Yep. Strongest head coaches in the state of Texas. Best Croutin?

Absolutely. Get on down here, West Virginia. Let's take a look at TCU, Texas. Let's watch that again. One more time. I really, I cannot imagine, like, if you have to bust up this Big 12. Like, it would be perfect Big 12 timing, too, because so many other programs, the Big 12 have everything on schedule.

right Baylor's doing real well TCU's thriving right Oklahoma had a nice bounce back here Oklahoma State had a pretty good year you know it's a lot of things that have gone really well and totally right for a lot of people in the big 12th so this would be the exact time to nuke it

so Baylor's cashing out cashing out Baylor loaded up got a condo around their neck and they're cashing out going to the SEC yep Baylor's in the Canadian football league now Baylor, you made it. How you like that? Longerfield just...

That Longerfield just means more offensive records. This is where I just go ahead and enact the kick Vanderbilt out and take Baylor because they're more SEC anyway. Oh, man. Protocol. Closer to God, definitely. Meanwhile, Vanderbilt tries to kill Northwestern and take their identity talent in Mr. Ripley's style. Yes, hello, I have Mr. Northwestern.

as you can see you can come but you got to change that name as you can see i lose to indiana they just join the big ten as v as northwestern two that's how they put them in their place to humble them for they just call them they just call themselves southeastern you got to change your name to cornelius we can do that we're homeless and the wealthy aren't used to that vanderbilt wouldn't last long in the cold ah let me remind you our our school's name for genes that are No longer fashionable. Oh, well, you're Big Ten ready. That's, yeah.

Oh, boy. It's great. By the way, I'm laughing wearing the world's worst pair of jeans right now. So it makes it even funnier to me. These seriously look like a pair of jeans that Michael Jordan would own. That's how bad they are. Oh, don't be so hard on yourself. Oh, boy.

I like that the man responsible for the world's most popular shoe doesn't know how to wear pants. well he's only he's only good at exactly one garment he doesn't need to know how to wear any of his clothes I mean most of the time most of the time he looks like he should be at a track in 1962 right confidence man my my my theory is that he's incredibly vain about his figure and he's he's put on some weight since he played but not like charles barclay levels of weight and he's just like no no one can know I will hide in these fans fabrics. Charles has the most luxurious kind of fatness, though, and his body already

seemed like, you see pictures, he's one of the few people you look at, and you see pictures of when he was young and thin and in shape, and you go, that doesn't look right. Yeah, no. Most people like, like, you know, that beautiful bronze eras when you go, oh, man, that's when they look their best. But Chuck, you're like, what was wrong with you? Are you sick? His body now is more like a house where you're like, well, yeah, we're going to have

to fix the foundation, but not for a few years. It's sort of just settling. that's how i know that i've been like fat too long is whenever i do lose weight people are they don't say wow you look great they go what's wrong with you okay are you super sad heaven yeah there's something going what's like the jollity is gone from your cheeks yeah where where are your jocundways it's like it's like santa claus gets diarrhea even Tim Allen became fat it's like you're running that goddamn option ball

even Tim Allen the picture of health 50 pound offensive lineman why if Tim Allen can get fat can't we all it's like when a beloved comic actor does a serious role that they're really good at but you still don't like it it's like how fat Joe isn't fat anymore

yeah that's so wrong that's not right so deeply wrong it's like a thin pall wall it's just the wrongest thing in the world which Paul Wall's real thin right now because he took out half his stomach. Wow. He blamed lean for the slowdown in his metabolism. So kids, just remember if you go on that Houston diet, you're going to have to have half your stomach taken out.

Do you have a reader question or comment you want to share this week? Because we did ask for questions, kind of, and we'll be honest, it was very short notice, and this wasn't a real great crop. I did ask people to tell me things that they should have been arrested for. It's a constructive critique. I assure you. This is, yeah, you didn't ask for questions so much as, hey, bury your slightly felonious soul. Yeah, yeah.

And apparently they did, because here's what my favorite selections thus far. This is from Gonzo prototype. His avatar is Prince, not like old school prints, like his first album cover with the massive hair. He says, I stole a golf cart from a police station in Belize. It's pretty good. And then the conclusion of the story. They ran me down on foot. That's unfortunate.

I think that means you were arrested, so this technically doesn't answer the question. He was detained, so... Are you being detained? I'm being detained. It's different. It's different. I also have one from at Remembering the Five. I once curb stopped someone's

Christmas tree and passed out in a cemetery not arrested. See, that's a Tim Allen movie. That's actually Tim Allen's life. You could really put some angel music around that and sell that to Disney or Hallmark. You know, he's so mad about Christmas

and then he, you know, sees the ghosts of the relatives and whatever, learns a lesson. That's a beautiful, that tweet, that's a beautiful story. Christmas Carol's really unreasonable. though because if you saw like dead relatives not that he sees dead relatives

right he sees like old friends but if you saw dead relatives you'd just argue with them right they'd say oh learn my lesson and you'd be like you're a dumbass I never like somebody else Chad Floyd at Chad underscore Floyd also had a golf

golf cart incident but theirs was the Carolina at Notre Dame game where he stole a security golf cart to get a hot dog no but you stole something with the purpose yeah uh-huh and then jesus i don't i don't even know what to do with you people i enjoy stealing golf carts though it's a very satisfying thing to steal like i know i know stephen godfrey said that at his wedding

at least two golf i'm pretty sure at least two golf carts at the reception venue were never returned doesn't he say like that's about his wedding he states that there were two golf carts stolen and three babies made that sounds right and that is how babies are made it's sort of a trade it's like minecraft right right it's like settlers of catan you got to turn in two golf carts and a sheep and you get a baby that's cage and wedding math right there uh jason did you see one that you enjoyed uh eh uh y'all took the two good ones well you have a good you got a good question though yeah i found a pretty good question here From Mike Bo Bogax.

Excuse me. That's on Twitter. That's N. D. Bogax. I'm not spelling out that last name. Just look at her mentions. It's what teams with the same mascot would make the weirdest rivals? So I took a quick. We stay in FBS here, I assume?

Not necessarily. I think we stick football schools. Okay, okay. I'll throw out a couple of real easy ones. Michigan State San Jose. State, extremely weird rivals, large school, small school, extremely angry school, I assume extremely chill school. USC Troy, about the same, except really no anger at all. I have a good one.

I don't think you got this one. Yale, Fresno State. It's very good, very good. Just forgetting the two most opposite student bodies I could possibly think of. Do you vape? I do not vape. What is too vape? You got to hit this.

I bet they'd get along fabulously. But yeah, that would be my choice. I like Bob Jones University in UCLA, the Bruins. I can't think of a single thing. They would even be able to converse about. Bob Jones is a small religious school, in case you don't know. I like the Citadel and Georgia because they both beat South Carolina.

So it's something in common. It's a little cheating, but I like Dartmouth and North Texas. Yeah, I was going to suggest Princeton, Memphis. That's a good one too. BYU, Washington State. that's that's an excellent one pretty much blood brothers lots and lots of things they have in common yeah it's very but there's a shame in this game is you can't match up alabama with anyone because nobody else is no weird enough although the Alabama the Alabama Harvard one is like a half

cheat right like yeah the crimson beat I mean that's a it's a bubble they overlap it counts it can't whatever it counts technically tech Stanford be the same because they were called the cardinal just for being red right i think so really stanford's just stanford's just smart alabama that's all wow i like yukon washington because i feel like they're both they're they're the two most average programs in all fbs that generates zero sizzle whatsoever if you're like we introduce these two groups of people who are mostly the same what's what uh con washington if you average they're you know the past decade for both Would you be surprised if they somehow both ranked 64th?

They need to play. Settle this once and for all. Who's truly 64th? Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised. 64A and 64B, that's what they're fighting over.