Shutdown Fullcast - Shutdown Fullcast 5.01 - Unshut Mysteries

Episode Date: March 22, 2017

We continue to test the limits and boundaries of this already poorly-constructed podcast by trying a new format this week: solving your mysteries. Mysteries like! - Why is Wisconsin consistently good? - Why is Cal consistently not given how much NFL talent they generate? - Who conspired to keep Auburn out of the 2004 title game? - What happens if Spencer leaves his two sons alone in a room for more than 10 minutes? - Who's preventing SEC schools from adopting the currency system of John Wick? - When does Will Muschamp reveal that he's got a good offense ok see this format already ran its course Oh yeah, this is also the start of season 5. There's no reasoning here. I just got tired of counting. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown forecast. Oh, on a rainy night in Georgia. At least two thirds of us on a raiding night in Georgia. Me in Atlanta. Beautiful, Atlanta, Georgia. And Jason Kirk in beautiful Kennesaw, currently being blown away, correct? Folks, we got all sorts of biblical apocalypses happening right now.

Power went out about an hour ago. Right now it's just rain. So we're hoping steady. Is the power still? Still out? Are you running this podcast off of a gas generator? Yeah, I'm on the CB. I found a friendly trucker, and I'm riding with him out to, I think he's going to Oklahoma. Good.

Whatever it takes to get the product out. What is the product? This podcast, that's the only thing I'm shipping. We ship this podcast nationwide. That's why it takes forever to come out, and by the time it gets to you, yeah, it's a little bumped up. It's a little bruised. You know what? It's, you know what?

We ship this UPS, man. YouPS. I bet it goes worldwide. I'm sure somebody in Asia has listened once. We will, one day we will endeavor to do an only international questions podcast. That's a really good idea.

It will be very short. That and we have hot, hot color. Oh, man, this is already getting up to a great start. Yeah, you know I'm not editing that out, right? Take it from the top. Oh, yeah, we'll fix it in post. Totally. I was like, yeah, come on.

You keep my ad libs? That's good. Keep my ad libs. We do have hot college football takes delivered in a cool and smooth fashion. This theme today, because we discovered something terrifying. All right. Not only is season one of Unsolved Mysteries. Scariest goddamn show to ever appear on TV.

Ever. All right. There's really no... I don't know what it is. Because Unsolved Mysteries is so far and first. Right? It's like Victor Hugo. Just poetry, novels, whatever you want.

In the Canada of Scary, the king is Unsolved Mysteries forever. Spencer, what Unsolved Mystery genre were you most scared by? I was most scared by basically random disappearances or murders. Yeah. Yeah, because there were like a few basic categories in Unsolved Mysteries, right? What were they? We've got aliens, right? Alien encounter, yeah.

Aliens was the one for me. Right, alien nightmares. Serial killer, which is not the same as a random murder or disappearance. That's a separate category, right? Which I will say, serial killer, obviously terrifying, but not particularly haunting, right? It was always like, ah, this guy kills people, it sucks. Yeah, and it's, stay away from him. It's sort of like, it was sort of like Ebola back in the,

day where you're like, ooh, Ebola sounds bad. It'll probably never affect me, though. Yeah, I mean, probably not. And if it does, well, man, it'll be quick and they'll know my name. Right, right. Yeah, it's going to be gruesome, but, you know, it's distinctive. I like that. Yeah.

They weren't really the most terrifying part of unsolved mysteries, okay? The most terrifying part of unsolved mysteries was whenever they had anything remotely like, missing, have you seen this person? Or this person's just assuredly, totally dead. Like somebody totally killed them. But we'll go through their disappearance and ask you to find them. Even though they left with a man named Rupert Axface Jones, right? Who earlier bought a tarp and an axe and some rope that day.

Here's a picture of him buying that. We can't find either of them. Yeah, like that's, those were the most terrifying. Like I remember the ones that were like super terrifying. We're like, yeah, these two stone teenagers probably just fell asleep on a train track. Nope. 10 minute segment of the most haunting shit you've ever seen like what were

they doing on the track why were they there where did they go but here's the thing sprinkled in between what are trains sprinkled in between aliens and serial killers and unexplained disappearances it would be like

Randolph James Carville is trying to find his birth mother and you'd be like wait hold on it like what it's just be like yeah They can't hit you as nightmare after nightmare. I guess it just sort of felt it would be like if you were watching an episode of Hannibal.

And this week they're just like, oh, we're just, yeah, this is just a normal bank robbery. No, there's no like fucked up. No, nobody's getting eaten, man. It's just, yeah, we just, here's the ink pack. You can see where it detonated. Yeah. And like, you know, America's Most Wanted, if you grew up on that, it never is haunting. Never is scary because America's Most Wanting was just like.

Yeah, there's a crime. It's written down in a book. Oh, wait. Well, hold on, hold on. But you have to understand that America's Most Wanted. These serve two different parts of your brain. Unsolved Mysteries was meant to prey upon your fear that no matter what you did and no matter how you lived your life, something awful and unspeakable and unsolvable could happen to you, right? But America's Most Wanted was more about like, hey, you know what?

Let's go find these motherfuckers. Unsolved Mysteries was not really about like, hey, let's see what we can do. I mean, they threw that in as sort of like, if you have any information, like, but they knew nobody knew that shit. Ain't nobody got any information. That's why it's unsolved. All right. So here's my question. You are, let's peel back the journalistic onion a little bit.

Let's say, um, Jason, let's say Godfrey is going to write a profile of a coach this pre, this offseason. right the coach is an alien let's say let's just pick a coach at right let's say it's mark wrecked all right we if we know that he's written this profile we know we part of us is going to be rooting for that coach to have a good season because if he does that means that more people read the article after the fact and people will sort of regard godfrey in like a good light like oh you know he was on this before other people were et cetera et cetera and that's all well and fine for sports. Here's my question, though.

When they produced an episode of Unsolved Mysteries, that meant that the producers had to be hoping for like, I don't know, the month, two month, six months before the thing hit air, they had to be like, you know what? It feels bad, but I hope they don't find that guy that really fuck up this episode if they found out what happened in that lost man. I need him to stay missing. it's like the bachelor finale when like the couple has to pretend i've never watched this show but what i gather

is that and so someone could correct me if i'm wrong but what i gather is that like the couple has to pretend they're still together even though the finale is not for like months after the actual competition or whatever right yes so it's like the the missing guy has to pretend to stay missing like they like if they find him they have to pay him to stay missing okay i just need you to stay in this great i'm gonna come back with cheese crackers. So in the end, it's the Unsolved Mystery Producers have a well full of people who were previously missing. Right. And even then, though, you know, Hitchcock specialized in the ending that didn't make you feel any better about how anything happened, right? Like, it would happen. The Commonwealth, the Commonwealth Cup, as we call it. Right. Carrie Grant would rescue,

correct. You know, Carrie Grant would rescue you from the nose of Mount Rushmore. And everything would be fine and you'd still go oh man that's right everything just sort of still feels wrong yeah tipi head ring gets away from the town full of birds and you're like huh yeah but they're still there huh yeah that's that's it you're like wow

man tibby hadron got loose you're like yeah and nothing explains why birds just totally attacked her for two hours thanks this did absolutely nothing to reaffirm my belief in life's like preciousness or that I'll ever be safe again that that was a really

like unsolved mystery's theme because they could make anything seem very unsettling and then even when they told you what happened it wouldn't help anything right nothing nothing helped it Robert Stack would just read like lists of things that the person did that day that had nothing to do with the crime

he went to the grocery store and you're like man that's an evil grocery store update Todd Robinson was last seen taking you shit in an Arby's parking lot yeah it's like I guess you know what that is new information I don't know if it does anything for the case, but...

It does, because it's delivered by Bob Stack, the god of horror. Yeah. I mean, it really wouldn't matter. Like, whatever you were doing, it was just absolutely horrifying, no matter the outcome, right? They would be like, oh, yeah, no, we found this man. He was dead in a ravine. He'd been hit in the head with a wrench by this psychotic man who is now in jail and everything worked the way justice is supposed to. And you're like, but where is he?

Like, you could never find anyone once they were missing. Even if they were like, no, this is exactly where. is, 54 degrees latitude, 38 degrees longitude. That's where he is. He's right there right now watching the segment. And that is why we eventually all move to world scariest police chases because that we, that's a thing you know you can either participate in or not. Like, you're either going to run from the cops or not, but it's just not going to suddenly

happen without warning. It also, like, it has, it's perfectly aristotelian. It has beginning a middle and an end. The middle is usually like jumping over a fence. So in honor of that, you know, and the first, second, and third seasons with Stack. Now, come on. You can watch it with Dennis Farina. It's not the same.

Much respect. RIPDF. Yeah. RIP, both of them, man. RIPR. You know what? That's the thing, though. I would have gone to Robert Sachs' funeral have been like, where is he?

Where could he be? It'd be like, he's right there. Robert Stack died yesterday. But then where did he go? Like, that's, you could do that all day. I hope that happened. Robert Stack's afterlife. I would do that, man.

I think he deserves that at this point. Hey, how do we know Robert Stack didn't commit some of those crimes? I'm saying, I think we walked up right up to that conclusion about five minutes ago and then backed away from it out of fear that we know too much. If you've seen the ghost of Robert Stack. If you've seen me. Right? Like, they never did that.

Bob Stack's missing. They never did that an episode, right? Like, the killer war, the killer wore gacky overcoat. He resembled Robert Stack. The victim also resembled Robert Stack. He had wonderful hair. A veteran television host with a velvety voice and commanding screen presence. Update.

You may have seen this perpetrator in airplane. Man, how scared would you be if Robert Stack just looked at you and said, Last scene, right now. Oh, my God. do do do do do do do all right so we're going to do just explain the stupid concepts oh we have so many we have so many stupid concepts it's awesome uh the concept of the show so we just wanted to tell us you know we we like to explain things a couple shows ago we were like oh hey here as men we like to explain things we do we do i like to explain feminism to women it's great

i explain surgery to medical professionals it's what i do so what i want to wanted to do is I wanted to just say, you know, we defended points a couple of weeks ago, right? Just give us a point. We'll give you that. You gave us answers and we gave you the right questions last week. I wanted to see if this week we could just, you know, give us a mystery, man. Give us a mystery and, you know, we'll do our best to solve it. Okay. Factually, non-factually, no one really cares anymore. We'll solve it for you this week. Okay. So that's the theme. And we actually got some, I think, fairly compelling. things. Do you want to start with anything that does not, anything newsy? In other words, anything pre-mystried that we have to deal with this week. Jim Harbaugh works out in khakis, learn that this week. I'm going to interview in Gentleman's Quarterly with Clay Skipper. Yeah, he apparently likes having a uniform. So if you wonder why Jim Harbaugh always wears the same clothes, it is literally because he likes having a uniform for everything.

He absolutely thinks he's in either the Marvel or the DC universe. I'm going to say he's more of a D.C. guy. Definitely, D.C. Definitely. Definitely. Definitely. Definitely. Definitely. Definitely. Definitely. Definitely. Definitely. Yeah. Godfrey's so mad he's not involved. I was just about to say that I don't know if silver or gold is better, but Godfrey would know. Yeah. Yeah. And this is definitely like, like, when I think about, when I think about, like, you know, he's a Superman guy, right? Like, I think Superman's the lamest comic book hero ever. I would bet you even money, Jim Hart. Marbaugh loves him. Yeah, soups.

I could also see him being, like, an early Batman guy when Batman was just a rich man with a gun and detective skills. Like, there wasn't so much of the gadgets involved. Or before the 80s where they decided to give Batman, like, really ramp up the pain and the goth and emo stuff, just like, but went back when Batman was just like, Superman who can't fly. Right. But he's rich.

I bet coaches like Daredevil, too, because they're like, you know what? Daredevil's not a five-star. Also, Batman's always recruiting. That's why he's always, you know, you say quarterback, he says Robin. You know, it's just, hey, it's a four-year gig, man. Good luck. I'm going to guess that coaches most often nag their players with Wolverine. Because, like, Wolverine shook off injury.

Why can't you? That's true. He's still out there playing. He's not over here crying. He's not even American. He's not even from this country. he's 100 he's like 170 years old and he's still playing and that's why hockey is better than football please like my sport that's why that's why it's the NBA finals right now someone telling me

hockey is actually good man this is great have you could have you tried hockey I mean I always feel like hockey is basically like you know the PCP fans all right so we so we agree that there's no news basically it's where we landed on well well we're talking hockey So, yeah, absolutely. We got, we got nothing going on. There's a couple of, like, you know, spring practices. A couple spring games coming up, but nothing of serious consequences to the college football world at all.

I mean, the continuing implosion of the revenue sports model really doesn't affect college as much because we don't pay our players. What's our first mystery? I kind of want to get to, I kind of want to get to one by our very own Matt Brown. We have two, I will, full disclosure, we're probably going to answer. Two SBN staffer questions, but they were really good. And they give us a chance to talk about something, I think, fairly important in both cases. This is from at Matt Sbn, aka Matt Brown.

Why is Wisconsin good? Hmm. This is actually a really interesting question to me. Because year in and year out, Wisconsin football, for about, I mean, we're coming up in almost 30 years of basically consistent excellence. And I say excellent. I don't mean like, great, but like excellent. They've been really good for about 30 years now.

No, not get any national title. Yeah, you're stretching it a little, but that's fine. I'd say over the last 20 years, we're talking a top 15 program in a state that produces basically no traditional blue chip talent. correct now for for the youngans okay youngans this started in about what 92 this started with Barry Alpharets Barry

Barry looks like Billy Joel 93 is the Rose Bowl winning season where they go 10 1 and 1 and finish number 6 in the nation correct keep in mind prior to that there is a gap

and it is a long gap going all the way back To 1962. Let me give you the wikipa They hadn't even made a bowl game since 84 So it's pretty weird to go from no bowl game to Hey, you won the Rose Bowl, cool. Yeah, let me give you

Let me give you what their headers are And you can hear the entire history Of Wisconsin football The early years, part two, moderate successes. That goes to 1941. Well, the climb back to dominance. That goes to 62. And then there is a 36,

year 36 years 36 years, I'm sorry that's termed limited successes. Listen, you know, Jesus has a bunch of missing time too. All right? About 26 years as a matter of fact.

Exactly. Reader, there were not limited successes. A win over Purdue is a success. don't take anything for granted I will state this if I had to guess why Wisconsin's good okay

one it's a large state school and a large state school with yes pretty good academics thank you big 10 fan just bring that up you know a big 10 degree yeah you know they drop they drop drawers around the world for that university of Iowa degree

sorry I would not picking on you just pick to it random we're picking on Wisconsin So why are they still good? Well, a big state school, you can get people in, okay? I'm not saying that your academic standards are, but far from it. I'm just saying that you could get people in at a large state school if the football program and the administration get along well. And it just so happens that at Wisconsin, they get along pretty well and have for quite a while. Might help have an athletic director who's really on board with that.

Oh, hey, Jason, who's the athlete? director at Wisconsin currently. Part-time interim head coach Barry Alvarez. That's correct. Sometimes just comes off the bench, warms up his old coaching arm. Every now and then when they lose a coach to somewhere else because they've been a little skin plenty.

Been a little tight with the money. That's why they lost Gary Anderson. The money that they have quite a bit of. Top 10 or so in revenue every year. The large facility that they fill up, Good basketball programs brings in some money. Yeah, why on earth are they cheap? What are they spending it on?

Just questions we have. Those are mysteries we won't answer. I think you can get people in. I think Wisconsin is really close to several large-ish and large metropolitan areas, i.e., they can recruit out of Chicago. Like everybody else, they recruit a little bit out of Florida, right? And they can recruit from large cities like Minneapolis and Milwaukee.

Not huge places, but just enough to get the right kind of talent in there. Also, cheese. Cheese just makes large recruits. It does. Derry makes them big. They got some big people. And that's the brand of football that's gotten them this far. Large offensive lines, service little quarterbacks,

and a running back who can carry the ball somewhere between 20 and 80 times. I think what Wisconsin does is they appropriately, they kind of just make a stew. So they're not going to get a lot of the prime meat cuts. in recruiting. But that's okay. They take like the three stars and the, you know, occasional four or five that they can get and they make do with them. And then they sprinkle that with a little bit of the Kansas State Jucco thing where they figure out, okay, we can sort of pick off guys who will be talented in that regard. Then you throw in, you know, sort of the Auburn, let's get some talented transfers in here and give them opportunities that they

might not have had elsewhere. Thank you, Tom O'Brien. And you mix that all together. And it's all about, you know, the ratios. And it's every stews different, every season's different, but that's what I think Wisconsin does well. They're not, they're not fully in any of these camps. They're like, oh, we're going to go out there and we're going to be the number one recruiting team in the big 10. That's probably not going to happen. But they're also not going to, you know, do what Kansas did a couple years ago and just load up on Jukos and then find that they're totally screwed. Just a nice, hearty Wisconsin beef stew. So would we say the state of Wisconsin is, like, like super hip and up on all the latest trends or probably not.

More so than you think, but less than I'd like to. I think Madison is probably up there, though. Madison's probably pretty cool, but it's a large state with many, many counties. I guess what I'm trying to say is if we could say that there are parts of Wisconsin that are maybe 10, 15, 20 or so years behind the times, maybe things that were really cool in the 90s still work now. And if we'll recall, we go back to when Wisconsin started being good, it was we're going to rip off Nebraska.

We're just going to do everything Nebraska does. And Wisconsin is just like openly talked about this. We're going to take their fully developed walk-on program that, you know, they've innovated and we're just going to steal it. And like to this day, Wisconsin walk-ons is a big thing. but like it hasn't worked for Nebraska so I guess I guess I'm seeing like a time machine kind of situation or something where it's just like if once it's cool in Wisconsin once it's cool forever I don't know yeah which I think is that's true that far so that's again that's

that's the that's the California lesson right that's it's cool once it's cool forever you got like 50 year old guys rollerblading out there you're like oh yeah man I need take up rollerblading again they're like what do you mean again we never stopped rollerblading. Thank you. Maybe it's not even that I'm calling Wisconsin lame because like everything 90s is cool right now. So really Wisconsin is the coolest state there is. Yes, Wisconsin did not get rid of its Reebok pumps.

And now Wisconsin looks super cool. Man, you ever go to a concert these days where it's like everyone around you's like 17 to look around like shit, I never got rid of my clothes from high school? Like, damn, I would have fit right in if I actually just never stopped wearing the exact same thing I wore in 10th grade. grade. So my eight Jansport backpacks. That's gold. I just threw away. So I'm not sad that Shack went to LSU, but I do wish that there had been a second identical Shack that went to Wisconsin.

Mega Shack. 395 pounds. Tundra Shack. You mentioned California. This is a seamless transition to Matt Ufford's question. We'll get our colleague questions out of the way quickly. Matt, and primarily an NFL fan, asks, how did Cal recruit slash produce so many quality NFL players without ever being good? For context, we should really emphasize exactly how many players were talking about because Tony Gonzalez, he went to Cal.

You already know that Aaron Rogers didn't start at Cal, but he ends up going through. So Marshawn Lynch, he went to Cal, Deshawn Jackson, he went to Cal, Alex Mack, Scott Fagita went to Cal. It's, do either of you have an answer for this? I have a theory that is basically one word, both coming and going, Berkeley. If you're being recruited and you go on your visit and you go to see Berkeley, you say, okay sure this is pretty good this is pretty nice

sure I can do this and then you're there and it's also so very Berkeley um you know your team is seven and four

and that's cool that's cool too you know your team is like four and four and six that's that's no big deal you know and then you get out and you're you know

you suddenly give a shit again I think it's this First of all, the academics at Cal Berkeley They're pretty good They're pretty good I know your uncle who forwards a lot of emails Has some thoughts on the kind of education That they would hand out at Cal Berkeley

It's good that he hasn't updated his profile of the place Since I don't know, 1973 Not exactly what it was then In terms of A, who goes there, B What they focus on C, academics They've gotten even harder. And if you note, a lot of those players got in because under Jeff Hedford, they relaxed academic standards. And that's something that periodically calved problem with.

So in other words, the opposite of Wisconsin? Sorry, Wisconsin. I'm really picking on you. But I'm not. You're fine. You're just not Cal Berkeley. That's okay. None of us went to Cal Berkeley, right?

Neither of you went to Cal that I don't know about. You didn't just like go there. would not have had a prayer it would it would really have conflicted with my last year's biggest stanford fan in the world thing so that's true additionally there's this cow they've they've have problems with money serious problems with money like immense immense honkin problems with money and spending money to be good and uh the dirty secret is that yeah you've got to be pretty good to get a decent college football program going. They can't keep coaches.

They don't have the facilities and haven't had the facilities historically to keep up. And on top of all that, you're recruiting again, against some, I think, difficult company. You can win a lot of those recruiting battles. Obviously they have. Because if you want to know the all-time number of draft picks, like colleges with most draft picks, and again, this shows the potential at that program. Have you looked up the all-time number of draft picks by school?

Is this just all forever, forever? Forever, ever. I have no idea. Forever? Miami is way up there, at least recently. USC is really high. Obviously, Bama's high very recently. Cal is top 10 for sure.

It might be top five. USC is going to have a ton, too. I have 2015 numbers for you. Okay, so we're missing one year of draft stats. But as of 2015, self-max preps post, so I'm pretty sure it's mostly accurate. Let me give you teams that in the past, we'll just say last 20 years,

if I just, I'm going to give you a team and tell me whether Cal produced more or less than they did. Okay? So this is from 96 to 2016. Correct, correct. All right, to drive your point home, about Cal turning out a lot of talent without a whole lot to show for it, okay?

Okay. Alburn. Les. Yes. I should say fewer. Auburn has fewer draft picks than Cal. Is it close? 78 to 64.

Okay. 78 to 64. Texas. I believe that's fewer. I will say slightly more, but I think it's close. Texas has 71. 71. Okay.

Okay. Michigan. Michigan. Michigan in this time period is going to have more. Fewer. Michigan has more, but not by much, man. It is an 82-78 margin, which ain't a lot

I'm going to do two more two more Oregon fewer fewer definitely fewer 67 and then finally I'm going to do

Washington now don't sleep on Washington they turned out a lot of talent yeah but I think I think if you stretch this back another 10 or 20 years maybe Washington I think this is too

in the middle of like some down years for I feel like I'm Bernie Mac and Bad Santa going half how yeah yeah I like that 52 52 so as of 2015

by the way the top three would be Florida State with 124 Ohio State with 123 and USC with 113 so it's not like Cal hasn't been a top 20 program in terms of talent it puts up into the NFL is what it does while

it's there that's been so baffling. But not baffling I think when you consider money, coaching, and institutional commitment. Remember, you've got to have a bunch of lunatics who are absolutely committed to reminding you every single day that the most important thing in life is

assembling a crew of student athletes that you sort of barely pay, feed a lot, have them lift a bunch of weights, and win football games. If you don't have that, you're not Alabama, Because guess who's got that? Alabama. Every day, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, and 366 on leap years.

And Florida State. Oh, and Florida State, man. Florida State and Bama do not have an earthquake canyon below their stadium. We have somehow gotten this far on the conversation. Although, if we convince Alabama boosters that that's something recruits want, they will build one. Did you see the, we had an interview. today with Joshua Moore, a top defensive back recruit, I believe, and Bud asking him something about schools you're into or whatever, and he said, I really like that Bama, they just don't

care about basketball. All they care about is football. I don't want to go to a school where they talk about basketball. Which is good because he's also being recruited by LSU and Tennessee, and I kind of want to be like, have you seen those basketball programs at the moment? I think he's got a very on-brand assortment of potential basketball destinations. Yeah.

Just anywhere anywhere in the SEC West. He shouldn't hire Bruce Pearl, Auburn. Showed that he cared. Fucked up, Auburn. Next mystery, please. I got one. I got one.

From Dave Lozo, who writes for an outlet. Let's see. it's the um he's all over the place vice vice and uprocks and the comeback day's a rambler yeah solve the mystery of the coin system in john wick and would paying players with coins be a violation now as i understand neither of you two has seen uh any of any of the wickaverse any john's wick yeah that that definitely puts us in a very small minority of sports twitter i

feel like yeah neither of us have seen it and uh ryan what's your excuse you know mine i have a child correct you have a child now i see i see her doing i see yes i have two so i have i've definitely not seen one or two but you you have you have a children that are old enough that you could lock them in a room with some graham crackers and a bucket and technically no that is child abuse i bet you know oh oh sweet naive new parent you'll never be you'll never be further along on the trail of cynicism quite like oh let me put this way sweet parent of a girl girls who hold up societal standards and order and and even when they manage to assassinate or otherwise crush their enemies

do so through the existing structures and strictures of society no no no you don't leave two boys alone in a room with graham crackers and nothing flammable because you will come back and it will be on fire that's not happening so neither of us have seen john wick we're kind of hopeless in terms of this question without jason who i don't know because he's got like a girl child who's just like competent and fine and doesn't like i don't know bite their foes when provoked yeah um well tell us about this movie that you got to watch because you know your child so well to hate so as an expert who has seen a movie um So, yeah, y'all, I mean, no, I'd like these movies.

And it's kind of a situation where it's like, yeah, you'd like it. Do you need to see it? No, I mean, I think you know you'd like it. So why bother watching it? You know, it's like... I already have the pleasure of the judgment. I'm like, yeah, it's good. I can just tell people that.

Yeah, it's like someone telling you, telling you, like, oh, the new radio head is really good. Wow, like, okay, that's... I'm good, then. I don't need to watch it. And I don't need to listen to it. Tone-wise, am I roughly accurate that it's like, yeah, you remember how you to like, you know, sudden death and old Jean-Claude Van Dam movies

that were kind of thin on plot, but they just had a lot of ass-kicking and closions and shit. And, like, J-CvD was interesting enough on camera, even if sometimes you're like, he doesn't know what he's saying. Yes, it is a 2014-whatever, 2017 Stephen Seagall movie. Like, the plot of the first one, y'all don't care about spoilers,

it's because you're never going to see it. No, no, man, I know. they kill us they kill us we'll see this is the great thing about the internet i know this i'm gonna try to get the whole plot okay um i'll tell you what percent you got bad guys kill his dog correct well yep here here we'll do this like the spelling bee jason buzz when he goes off track okay yeah i'll do that okay so bad guys kill his his dog right uh john wick then spends the rest of the movie uh killing everyone who might have even thought about colluding with bad guys

to kill his dog. Correct? That's it. That's the plot. Yeah, yeah, that's... Correct. He's some sort of former assassin. None of his previous career is elaborated on, explained. There is no exposition beyond

he had a dog that was given to him by his lady. His lady is no longer with us, and now neither is the dog. Yep. So everybody got to die. So he goes to this hotel. It's like an Assassin's Hotel where all the Assassins stay. Meet up for Happy Hour.

There's like the bar at the Assassin Hotel looks like a Rick Ross video, except with way more shooting. Like, there's not a lot of violence in a Rick Ross video. Everyone is just too luxurious and lush for that kind of behavior. And slow moving. it's like a it's like a it's like a nightmare of a rick ross video but everything in this hotel is paid for via gold coins that are earned eh it's never really explained and that's like sometimes you see assassin people giving them to each other for like you know a john wick he has like 13 dead bodies in his house so he pays these dudes one gold coin to come take all of them and clean his entire house and scrub all the DNA um and then you know like the the value of the single coin is just it just seems like it wildly leaps from scene to scene and then in another scene it's like you know you a gold coin for like you know a shoe shine or something so can i can i give you my theory right now out the out the gate yeah yeah whoever wrote these films heard about bitcoin and was like yeah let's do that and then they started filming and somebody was like should we tell him that it's not like an action physical coin.

I think he's going to be pretty, like, he was very particular about getting these for the set. I think, okay, just let him do it, man. It's fine. Yeah, I mean, maybe it is Bitcoin, and, like, the value wildly fluctuating from the scene, like, in one scene,

it's like, you could get a pistol for a coin, and the next scene, it's like, yeah, we'll rid your entire house of all these murdered bodies. We'll kill eight presidents for two coins. oh shit prices price of the bitcoin gone up um so dave's question is how these gold coins that are of like completely indeterminate value could factor into recruiting um and i mean i guess we should

have gotten a compliance expert on here to explain this like can an object with no like think about the nca how they you know okay a player crashed at an assistant coaches house for two nights. That is worth and then they spend a week punching their calculators. $137. Either $137 or 19 or 541. I don't know. Were their t-shirts nearby? Did you maybe pick one up? Like Demarius Thomas definitely wore $312 worth of free t-shirts. Was it a pull-out couch? Was it a Murphy bed? Did it have a bathroom on suite?

I was going to say this, that it would not work in terms of recruiting because it would be an item that could be assumed to have value, correct? Right? Yeah, but how big of a hit would be? Because if you're not, if you're not, right? We agree on that. It's definitely a hit. But I mean, if it's like a dollar or whatever, they'll let you pay that back. Like, you know, if you're if you're a rich kid with like rich parents, they'll let you give back a thousand dollars. But like, If you could argue that this coin only has value when given to another assassin, in this case, to another college football recruit. Yeah, that's true.

So what you do, if you're Nick Saban, is you set up an assassin's hotel in Tuscaloosa and hand out these gold coins, and then players can go to the Assassin's Hotel party, which did look really baller. I'll just continue to stress that until Keanu Reeves shows up. blows it away and by the way keanu reeves he's one of those tom cruise actors who like when he has like okay the stunt is you're going to do this like he he literally goes and learns how to do it so like i'm pretty sure at this point tom cruise and keanu reeves could assassinate just about anybody so here's the thing if bama actually set up an assassin's hotel party for recruits exactly

as you're describing in john wick the ncd the ncdna would bust them not for the shoot him up But for serving alcohol to minors, that would be the NCAA's major purview. So that's the one thing we'll take away. We'll have an Assassin's Hotel. Yep. But there won't eat any booze in the recruits of the bar. And then you get God's Game Day, brought to you by Assassin's Hotels. That's all proof.

Yeah, Assassin's Hotels. We got the nice shampoo. Got the good lotion. Is that lemon basil? Mmm. I do enjoy it, by the way. Like, I'm probably going to see that eventually one day. Probably like a cable kind of watch because

nothing is better than a movie where I just say yeah a lot, right? They're like, okay, so there's just like a Sassence Hotel. I'm like, yeah, of course. Where would they be golden? Great. Like, I just, that's the kind of moviegoer I am. I accept things if they sound cool. That's it.

There's guns in the mini bar of the Assassin's Hotel. Yeah, that makes sense. That makes sense. Yeah. I mean, I think it's the kind of movie where if you're a like, plot holes or whatever kind of person, there really aren't any. Oh, because there's not much plot.

The guy's mad and he went to the Assassin's Hotel. There's no room for holes. Exactly. Find the lie. Find the lie. Like, wow. The plot fits in a tweet. Like the script fits in a tweet.

I really don't think there's any sort of, you know, like there's no realism. Yeah, that's the point. Do you think the original title was John Baum? And they were like, let's, let's like a little more subtle, please. Not totally subtle, just a little bit. John Guns? Okay, well, well, maybe.

What about just John Gunn? Can we call it John Gun? What about Gun? I don't know, got to be guns, because he carries more than one gun. And you can look on YouTube and see Keanu showing off how to triple wield. Can it be Gun Wick? No, that's not right. really, it's not fixing the problem I'm talking about here. Gun.

Thank you, Dave, for asking that insightful question that, you know, where basically I got to just enjoy this movie without ever having seen it. This is, this, you're assisting my postmodern consumption lifestyle. I appreciate this. This is why TV and movies are dying. Um, I have, I have an interesting mystery from J.D. Moore at Jordan underscore Dallas on Twitter. TCU and Texas Tech used to play for the saddle trophy, which just appears to be a, based on the news clipping, he included a saddle that has something on it. But it disappeared after Tech won in 1970. Explain. All right, you all ready for me to walk you through this? Yeah, yeah. I want to learn a little history. All right. Now, who is on that 1970 TCU team that lost the saddle?

Ray Rhodes, all right? Okay. Ray Rhodes doesn't stay at TCU, though. Ray Rhodes transfers at some point in his career, too. Do either of you know? No. Tulsa. Now, his last year at Tulsa, who is one of his teammates?

That's right. Dr. Phil? Close. Steve Largent. Famed wide receiver, Steve Largent. Steve Largent, of course, gets drafted by, the Oilers, actually, although they end up trading his rights to the Seattle Seahawks. He has a very successful career there.

Who is the quarterback of this Seattle Seahawks in 1977 his first year? Hmm. It's Jim Zorn. Where have we last seen Jim Zorn as a head coach? Washington, D.C. That's right. Dan Snyder. has this saddle and uses it as a sex object.

And I just walked you through exactly how it happened. Wow. So Jim Zorn got it from Steve Largent. Correct. And then gave it to his old box. Correct. Damn. Yeah, that's fascinating.

That really beats my explanation. Which is? Someone just took it because they needed a saddle. It was in the trophy cases, just sitting there. And one day somebody thought, damn, you know, I have one. Ryan, are you trying to say that Dan Snyder looked at something that is sort of a stereotypical image of the American West and decided to use it as a collectible, just as a collection item? Yeah, yeah, I am. It's just so unlike him.

I know. I'm sorry. Um, I get, I get your explanation, Spencer, but in the same way that somebody tried to tell me that the, the snotty kid from the beginning of Jurassic Park eventually grows up to be Chris Pratt is the theory. I don't like that theory because it's not mine. My theory being that that kid is Nedry's son who is also trying to get dinosaur DNA to the other company. He's just sort of going about it in the slow way. Oh, man. That's. I like that. That's fascinating. Thank you. I always like my theory more. It's kind of a me being a dick thing. This isn't my idea, therefore I won't like it. I respect that. You fuck this idea.

Yeah, this is great. This is, you know, this is the, yes, we work like the United Nations and we're and I am the United States. What if that idea they brought you on as a co-sponsor? Like if they called it, like whoever, whoever proposed it, I don't know. no um say it say it say it was lane kiffin's but now they'll call it like the kiffin nanny theory can i can my name go first you're gonna have to take that up with coach but i don't i kiffin seems like a come first kind of guy i uh i would also let's see i have one i had the podcast so early before i know we can't though

We have at least one more mystery. We got so much shit to solve. We do. I'm sorry. We do. Keep going. We have the Will Must Champ. This is the Will Must Champ question of the night, which I want to say is a valid one.

We're all going to learn. We're all going to, we're all really going to feel our outs here. We're all really just kind of kind of stretch a little bit because the question is from at rubber chickens. Who I believe is the proprietor of the butt rankings? one in the same one in the same and in addition to the butt rankings

he is a South Carolina fan which is maybe why he's such a big fan of the butt rankings the question is this must champ potentially has a good offense now I just want to stop and pause it by the way

this is Will Must champ the same Will Must champ that was at Florida same Will Must champ that, I mean, yeah, Jake Bentley had moments last year. They looked really good. And they actually have some weapons. This is a team that could have a good offense.

But I'll read the whole thing without choking. At least I'll try. MuzzChamp potentially has a good offense. How did this happen? Reader. What I really want to do, I'm saying Reader on a podcast. It's brilliant. I really want to say that, like, yeah, like I don't know.

But I kind of have an idea. I think he just has absolutely nothing to do with it. Nothing. And he got to pick his offensive coordinator. Only he got to really sort of do that toward the end of his tenure at Florida and ended up picking the guy who's currently working for him, Kurt Roper. Yeah, remind me what that

2014 Florida team did. Hmm. Let's see. That 2014 Florida team. I'm not familiar. Did they, let's see, they lost to South Carolina, right? They did. They did 20 to 23. I believe if memory serves, Florida missed two field goals towards the end of that game.

So that was fun. What else did Florida do that year? Yeah, they beat Tennessee 10 to 9. That's fun. They got doubled up by Alabama on the road. They lost Florida State. A very good Florida State team. And they hung with them 1924, which let's be honest, that's better than any recent Florida

Florida State result. And then they went to the Birmingham Bowl, a player pooped his pants, and the Gators won by 8. Although, well, must champ was not the coach for that game. Yeah, this team went six and five. And I remember before this, and you're probably wondering, wait, that's only 11 games, and you just said they played and won a bowl game. The Idaho game got postponed due to weather that year and eventually just didn't happen at all, I believe. I think you're underselling that. You were at the Idaho game, I think.

No, I was supposed to go and did not. The Idaho game was postponed and blown off of the map by lightning. That's my favorite thing about the Will Must Champ era. A game was actually stopped because God said no. Yeah, but the Gators average like 60 yards of play. No, no, 60 yards a special team play. That's a play. That's a play.

What I, and I remember before this season, that it was somebody in Sports Illustrated. It was probably Andy, but I don't, I don't know for sure, wrote a very, what I thought was a very good and convincing piece about how, yes, Florida was super beat up the year before when they went four and eight. Yes, Jeff Driscoll was sort of trying to figure things out, but finally had an offensive coordinator that was exactly as you're saying, what Wilmuchamp was looking for, that all the pieces were coming to. And then they come out and in their first game that doesn't get destroyed by the weather. They beat Eastern Michigan, 65 to 0. Do you know what they do in the second game? I do, but, but please. For dramatic effect.

They need triple, they need triple overtime to beat Kentucky on, yeah, there's a bullshit call in there. I'll go ahead and give that to you now, Kentucky, because that's all you've had for 30 years. But, yeah, they beat Kentucky 3630 in overtime with just so many field goals. Frankie Veles really was all that there was for Florida this year. So, yeah, it's almost like I've seen this film before where Will Mustchamp comes in and it's all, oh, you know, the guy before me, he did such a shitty job. me all these garbage crotes, this cupboard full of dead snails. And then somehow it just will never click. Somehow, hard to say why.

Surely history is no indicator. But yeah, it's probably going to happen for you. You know what, South Carolina, 10 wins this year. Boom. Just said it. Boom. Put it on board. Let me put it this way, too.

All you're going to get from saying that South Carolina wins 10 is that. You'll be right, or everybody will just assume that South Carolina is South Carolina or that Will Must Champ. Will Must Champ. You really, you're double insured. You might as well be optimistic. What I remember most about that Kentucky game in particular, at the time, I was in South Dakota writing a story. And earlier that day, I had gone to a movie theater to watch Edge of Tomorrow, the Tom Cruise film. Have either of you seen this film?

No, but I have told I should. I've seen it, and Spencer, it's another one that I'm just going to tell you, you would like it. So now you don't have to see it. So I'm going to also, spoiler alert for this one, the central premise of Edge of Tomorrow is that Tom Cruise is a total ninkum poop dip shit who must die and be revived, I would say conservatively a hundred times before he is actually capable of anything amounting to military success. and if you think that's a metaphor for the Will Must Champ era yeah he's only on death one so cool

it's always it's always the day after tomorrow when Will Must champ is your head coach South Carolina offense if we go by yards against FBS opponents yards per play where would you say they ranked last year

oh probably a number that's going to undermine optimism 94th 94th Spencer over or under I am going to say over okay Spencer wins it is

114 um that's you said versus FBS opponents versus FBS yeah because they had a really good game against Western Carolina okay

if you cut that in half you're still not talking a good offense then at that point you're talking an average offense So, like, if we want to say, like, Will Mustchamp could command an average offense, okay, that's fine. You know, you got a promising quarterback and all that. Let's shoot for average. Let's just shoot for average. And then if we look up at week seven and holy shit, South Carolina is just dumping 60 points on folks, then okay, we'll look like dummies.

But I just really want people to just hope for mediocre here. You should know the number gets worse if you just make it conference games. I will also state that their schedule, when you look at it, I mean, it's pretty manageable. Their road games are Missou, Texas A&M, and Georgia and Tennessee. So I'm going to revise that. That's okay. That to me is midland to tough right there because at Tennessee and at Georgia. They're big games and not easy environments.

And two teams that, okay, one team that really should be pretty good, and the other one's Tennessee. here's the thing it might not matter the tennessee game might not matter because uh three weeks before that they might lose the louisiana tech at home entirely possible they might lose to nc state yeah but at least at least that's in an nfl stadium so Dave Dave Doran another another year where Dave doran is how close is Dave doran to completing the Dave doran project we'll never know we'll never know how many years it takes to complete the Dave Doran project. We have one more

mystery. I feel like we have one. I don't have one, but I trust that one of you does. I do. I have one more. And it is a historical one, which is kind of relevant to the present, actually.

That would be why, this is from at mark the nomad. If you don't follow at mark nomad, he is the guy who has a tattoo of Jim Harbaugh from Saved by the Bell on his leg that he got when he was really drunk. I'm not. It was a bet and he followed through on it.

Man, who would make a Michigan tattoo related bet? That's stupid. It's absolutely. Who would do that sober is what I ask you? And who would do that, although I will say marks, I mean, both of ours are unique. Marks is done in this, like, kind of stylized, like, 80s, like, like, like, are. It looks like a trapper keeper. I was going to say it looks like a LucasArts game.

Like you're playing Sam and Max or some shit. It's pretty incredible. He did a fantastic job on it. So I will go ahead and ask his question. Why did the 2004 Auburn team get left out of the BCS title game? If you're an Auburn fan listening to this, I'm very sorry about the microstroke that I just gave you for the memory of being excluded from this. If you'll recall, 2004 was a

very unusual year in terms of how things worked out. Because eventually, what you get is a 13-0 Auburn team not making the BCS title game. Not making it at all. Which is,

again, on paper, insane. Until you get to how this all shook out, which this is, I think, a fundamental like plot point in the developing story of the SEC doesn't schedule nobody out of conference because for a while they didn't.

And in this case, what you end up with is you end up with the one game. What's the one game? You two can probably just name it off the top of your head without looking where you go, the one game, everybody just kept saying over and over again that got like object permanence in everyone's head. The one that absolutely hamstrung them

from ever being considered a serious contender for the national title game just because they played it early in the season when everybody could watch on September 25th. Oh, that'd be the Citadel. Correct. They played the Citadel. And when they played the Citadel,

a win, by the way, congratulations. You had Cadillac Williams and Ronnie Brown and you beat the Citadel 33 to 3. Not even really caring about style points because 33 to 3 on Citadel is like you could line it up way worse than that um that with that that game when people got down to the fantastic oh man no no no you really got to like completely consider like the resume well that's how you get oklahoma and usc in the title game all right which um by the way how did that go if we recall instead of a auburn the SEC champions 13 and o no uh with the magnificent jason campbell at quarter back end up undefeated on the year and playing not in the BCS title game. You get the 2004 game, which was USC versus Oklahoma. Can you name the top score, the final score off that?

Well, according to the NCAA, the score was nothing to 19, a win by nobody. Yes, they had, it was 5519. And seriously, like, as bad and as kicking as you will see prior to, like, the Nick Saban era in a national title game. Like, it was, it was ugly. I mean, it was pretty. If you like watching, if you like watch a beat him downs, it was something to behold. It was Oklahoma just dying on every single play, and it got worse and worse and worse. And it was Pete Carroll, so he didn't really let up.

That kind of wasn't how Pete worked at all. so this is why they didn't make it was the citadel that was it when it came to when it came to factoring that in because neither uh i checked both of their schedules just for science neither of them played the citadel either and this led to like no you imagine if the citadel played the top three teams in the country yeah i love this too it's like this picks on like all of southerners like insecurities all at once right because it points to like the weak resume right like Let me see where you got all them A's. What's this? Shop class? Public school shop class, you got an A? I don't think so, son. That ain't going to get you into Swarthmore. Do you know who Oklahoma played out of conference that year?

I have a few hints. Okay. And they're not out of conference. Oklahoma ended up playing Bowling Green. Correct. A bowling team that finished nine and three. So a respectable team, a good team. Just that post-posted.

Urban Meyer kind of wave that they had, right? They ended up playing Houston. Yes, this was Art Bryle's second year at Houston. This team was three and eight, so. Yeah. So, bud, an FBS team, a division one team. A lot of scholarships, so many scholarships. But, but there is, there is a Power 5 team on here, a mighty, impressive.

Pat, no, they played Oregon. They beat Oregon. Do you know who else beat Oregon at that point in the season? Indiana. So. Uh-huh. And a mighty Baylor team. Hey, Baylor is good.

Yeah, yeah, that's, Baylor, no, this wasn't, this was Guy Morris. This is when, this is when Baylor was worse than bad. Wait, wait, Baylor was in the Big 12. Were they? Were they? Have they ever been in the Big 12th? Ryan, can you prove that? You guys, oh my God, you guys have been paid off by the Big 12 to say that Baylor was never in the conference in the first place.

Baylor is never, this isn't the Big 12's problem. Oh my God. I'm being gaslighted by my own co-hosts. The ghost of Van Richards is sitting next to me on the couch with a knife, just waiting for me. Baylor football's been dead for 30 years. Man, it's way easier than talking about it now, isn't it? Wouldn't that be nice? Please.