Shutdown Fullcast - Shutdown Fullcast 7.04: Lawncare Disasters with Holly Anderson

Episode Date: May 12, 2017

Two-thirds of the Fullcast is on vacation, but addition by subtraction is real so we invited Holly Anderson to come on and discuss lawncare disasters with us. Highlights include: --The Greatest Tale Ever Told, or How Holly's Dad Cut Their Cable Line With A Power Washer --Why lawnmowers are basically Satan's cigarette lighter he uses to burn down the earth --Zero football content, like maybe there's a second or two in there but it's purely accidental --No really, most of this is just us laughing at you, the listener, and that one time you set an entire orphanage on fire using a weed whacker the wrong way --Why's it posting on a Friday? BECAUSE WE WERE BUSY Y'ALL (Probably putting out a fire started by a lawnmower) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown fullcast. What you don't expect is both people who you do the podcast with to be on vacation, because we don't let each other know. I just looked up, and all of a sudden, Jason, co-hosts on this fine college football podcast, he's in Arizona, looking at some big hole in the ground or whatnot. And Ryan, I don't even know where Ryan is. I'm going to be honest. No clue.

He could be anywhere. He is at my house on Friday. Didn't even know he was coming. Strolled through. Apparently if you have a baby, you can just like walk in any door. Two things you need to get into any door. A warrant and a baby. It's like a battering ram of cuteness.

Just strolling through the door. So tonight, it's just me. Oh, and Holly Anderson. Say hi, Holly. Thanks. I didn't introduce you like you're nothing. I saved you. you. I held you back.

Come on. Like the third act nitrous. Just let you go. You're like Chekhov's guest host. Even as you speak, I am preparing appropriate retribution. When is that not? Just pin that tweet to your personal dialogue at all times. Yeah, that's fair. That's fair. Hey, how are you? I'm pretty good. I am, uh, I'm marveling at yet a another off-season floating by, which we're doing very, very well at.

This week was good because the only real story was that a guy who kind of looked like Jim McElwain got a press release announced from Florida, like a guy who kind of looked like Jim McElwain humping a shark. Now, this wouldn't be a big deal of the guy who weren't naked and if he didn't really look like Jim McElwain. Although I have some quibbles. We have a piece going up tomorrow at ESBS about this about why that's definitely not Jim McElwain.

In short, he's too robustly, like, porky. Like, that man is just sunburnt and obviously enjoys himself, like, enough pork tender loin to sort of get that. You know, he has that kind of tight fat, right? Is it the Jimmy John's guy? Did we figure out if it was the Jimmy John's guy? He has denied it. He has, this is the best one.

We've actually gotten public responses from two people in the public eye. right the CEO of jimmy johns noted by the way for pausing with for posing with you know large dead animals that he has killed and jim mackawain known for punting uh and i just got one of those faces y'all one of those one of those shark hump and faces people say that about me so for a walk in the door and they're like man you look like a guy who's got a boner for cartilaginous fish who hasn't thought that but yeah Yeah, that's the only real news this week. That's where we're at in the all season, by the way.

That and that and the other reason that can't be Jim McElwain, that guy's got too much junk in the trunk. Like way too much. It's got a big, old, robust man booty back there. This episode, notably not sponsored by Belk. That's fuck Belk. Yeah, man, you couldn't fit that ass into Belk. That's like a Bonobos project on the outer side of Bonobo's range moving in.

The outer bonobos rim in the constellation of man-ass. Yeah, that's exactly. Like Voyager, Voyager hasn't quite past the edge of that ass, but it's working on its way, right? Like into deep space, deep ass space. That and the only other thing going on is Ross Dellinger of the advocate in Baton Rouge, beautiful Louisiana, Sportsman's Paradise, tweeted out that in Ed Orgeron's press conference,

Ed Orgeron said that he told Tyler Shelvin's grandma to start feeding him gumbo without rice as a diet. Now explain who Tyler is. Tyler Shelvin, he's a big boy. He's quite large. Tyler Shelvin is, he's down to, this is, by the way, I quote, he is down to 325.

Gracious. Yeah, and you say, oh, well, man, you know, I mean, offensive linemen do sometimes come that big. Shelvin's a defensive lineman. He's a tackle. And he's 18. He's 18 years old. And he was 383.

And his grandma started feeding him gumbo with no rice. And all of a sudden, he's down to a svelte 325, which I'm not even half joking. I bet at 325 he's like looking kind of cut because he's gigantic. Wait, what are those cuts revealing? Probably another layer of fat he's going to have to get rid of. He's probably marbled, right? Like he's so big, he's just got like layers. He's like a planet, right?

I was thinking he's like a turducken. The ultimate LSU player. I am literally built like a turducken. There's actually a running back somewhere deep inside of me. You just have to keep taking rice out of my diet. Oh, you know, yeah, Turduck and Shelvin, yeah, out of Metery. He's great. That's his cousin, and he runs a 4-3, so expect him at LSU, definitely at any position but quarterback.

I was going to say, can he play quarterback? No, no one can play quarterback in Louisiana. It's the neatest trick. But Shelvin also, this is my favorite quote, which was apparently Shelvin called Odron and said, Coach, you're killing me. I need more rice. And imagine the cold heart that Edwards around must have And a laser-like focus that he must have for his defensive linemen

To look a young man who's 18 To turn down rice to one of his special boys We're not even like, man, I got to stop eating wings Because that was the big thing with, you know That's the big thing usually with linements They can't give up like either wings Or they can't give up fried food of some sort Which same

To be honest It's fine but with him it's just rice that's how large a machine we're talking about when you deal with shelvin he's 3803 so yeah that's really the only thing going on notice we're just kind of like warming up here because it's not really what this episode is about it's not what we're passionate about holly i would like you to start by reminding us of the inspiration for tonight's topic the which is well it's your dad Your dad, your dad, Bill. Hey, Bill. He's not listening to this podcast. No, no, no. Does Bill listen?

Does Bill does not know what podcasts are in the chronology of technology? Bill is up to DVR. He can work an Apple TV. He can work Netflix. This is important because this is how my, what year is it? What year is it right now? This is how my 67-year-old father came to become perhaps the world's oldest superfan of the CW television program Supernatural, which I myself have never seen. But from what I can tell from the commercials, it is basically law and order with demons.

That's fine. My father who has never had a podcast, should have a podcast that's just him. explaining the entire run of the CW television program Supernatural to me beginning to end because now it's a thing every time I call him like

have you watched Supernatural yet? No, Daddy. No, I have not. Well, they just, these boys flying up to the ceiling and he's really, really into this like young beefcake

demon detective show. Yeah, and he was also the author of maybe my... Yeah, that's not even the point of this. You're going to tell You're going to tell the Power Washer story, aren't you? I want us to both sort of, I think it takes two hands on this. It takes two hands to usher this precious gift to the listener if they've never heard it.

Oh, Bill. What a treasure. So this was two years ago? Yeah, something like that. Okay. For Christmas, correct? Yes. Bill received the kind of gift that only a dad can receive.

That only a retiree can fully appreciate. A retiree with a trailer hitch can fully appreciate. Bill got the gift and eventually what would be the curse of a power washer. I don't think he'd call it a curse. Well, neither would I, because it gave us the story. So what is like a 65-year-old man want more in the world to completely cut himself off, right? Correct. Live isolated.

Just not be bothered by fools or foolishness. My dad may be the only true libertarian on the planet. Don't at me. Don't email me. My dad is the only real libertarian, not you, Michigan man. He truly just wants to be left alone with his guns and wants you to be left alone with your guns, America. He does not care where you go, what you do, who you share a bed with, how you pay your taxes, whatnot. He wants to be left alone.

And on his maiden voyage with the power washer, he celebrated this. He claims this was intentional because he wanted to see if he could do it. I do not know if I believe this. I think that he just didn't understand quite grasp the power that he was wielding. But on his first ever outing with the power washer, my dad completely severed the cable line going into our house. Power washing the bricks on the side of the garage. An amazing, amazing achievement.

And finally, getting him the wish that he had dreamed of for so long. Nobody's calling him. The phone's not ringing. It's great. Internet's off. Just cut the house off completely. Yeah. Yeah.

Ms. Nancy, less thrilled. Well, you know what? Sometimes policy change. It's hard at first. But eventually, you know, people come around. to the wisdom. They will. They will. Now, the great thing about not renting a power washer, about owning it yourself, is that once you have power washed everything that could conceivably be power wash, including my favorite phase was the phase where he would try to patio,

he would try their patio furniture, try to like power wash mildew off their patio furniture, you know, in the summer after we've had a few storms, and just, you know, send chairs flying against the back fence because he could yeah but once he exhausted that he took the show on the road you know now he has a little rig that he can pull behind his truck

that has the power washer in it and he just goes and power washes other people's houses I think that there are people that know this is what he's doing I believe it it's like you know well well people at the church

yeah people at the church who don't have their own power washers. That's Jesus's very definition of the less fortunate. So in other words, we're pretty much at Pete Dad. Like this is some extreme dadness. He's lapping the field. So we asked listeners for their own. Oh, wait, we didn't bring this up to today. And today, so that happened two years ago. Reader update. I'm waiting for more stories of this nature to crop up because my dad being a retired man and a gentleman of leisure

does not cut his own grass that was our job and then when we left the house when my brother and I left his care he hired a neighbor boy and the neighbor boy goes to college and he hires another neighbor boy and I guess this latest neighbor boy

was just like a bit of a shitbird because my dad called me today to tell me that he has fired the neighbor boy and taken over the care himself of the lawn. How long will this last? I would give it till July when it gets real muggy. And he starts having like sweet dreams of watching supernatural in the air conditioning.

Well, because also he's, he has not gone so far as just going out and buying a riding mower. Like he went and got a push mower. And I'm like, and I need to remind him. I did not remind him, but I will remind him when he realizes how much he hates this, that character building is not something you do yourself. You don't do something yourself because it's character building. Character building is something you make other people do. That and, well, you know, and there's a demonstrated track record, right?

Correct. The first thing I can remember my dad doing in lawn care is this. I remember being five years old and we lived just outside snow. Melville, Georgia. And I remember my dad in a very short pair of shorts, like short even by my standards, because it was, you know, like... Why are you teasing me? In 1981, my dad in a yellow shirt and some blue shorts. They were tight, Holly. I just want to really let that play on the imagination. You laid that, you laid this out for me and I just stepped through the door. No, we're diving all the way into this, man. He was like Robert Urick.

in Vegas, just straddling that ladder, climbing to the eaves where a wasst nest was. And I remember distinctly, my mom gently suggesting this might be a bad idea and that he was, in fact, far too close to the wasp nest before he began spraying. Oh, dear. Yes. And then I remember laughing hysterically and learning the real emotion of remorse for the first time in my life, watching him fly across the front of the lawn being pursued by what I remember. as a distinct like you know in cartoons when wasps or hornets pursue somebody it's a cloud of dots yeah yeah it was that like oh i've never seen that in real life yeah no no no like they they all got the jump at the same time they all got a real good jump at the line of scrimmage on it just right across the front lawn and i remember laughing hysterically i don't think i laughed at anything harder

until i uh watched somebody play really bad golf when i was nine that was the only thing that like, topped it until I was nine, was my dad being chased by a horde of hornets and running, screaming, making noises, which were distinctly unmasculum, in that Homer Simpson way, like, definitely that. So we asked you, the readership, in lieu of actual college football notes, to discuss actual lawn care disasters, because there is nothing funnier to me than the long care disaster. We have a couple of categories of them. The first is the simple. one step. I would like to first

give a special shout out to James Ashbrook to Intrepid Reader who wrote back Notre Dame NC State on his list of lawn care disasters. Which, to be fair,

I thought... He's not wrong. No, no, no. But to be fair, they were playing in a marsh that game. Correct.

And I thought it was a very well-maintained marsh. Like, it was good. You know, there's good read flow. it was the only game I've seen where there might be bass brook trout sort of wiggling their way through the grass please make the brook trout noise again I enjoy that yeah that of course NC state fans would be the ones fishing Notre Dame fans would be like I only fly fish no you don't bitch shut up so I just yes I just had an imaginary conversation with a Notre Dame guy who claimed you fly fished okay

That's where we're at this point in the offseason. I'd like to also shout out Joe Duder on Twitter, who said he tried to cut script Ohio into his grandma's lawn. And I bet this, I mean, I bet this happens on every street in that state. And as you point out this morning, it's like taking the total number of points. They scored against Clemson and bookending it around the word high. Yeah, because Clemson scored 31 points in that game, and Ohio State scored zero. Correct. They scored zero.

A Florida Gators worthy effort against quality competition right there. Well done. Yes. But there's the simple category, which is basically the one-act play, right? For instance, just a cursory search of the news, there's a shocking amount of lawnmower fire, right? If you search. That's a great. That's the second best Google search behind only funny bird attacks.

Single-engine aircraft mishaps. That's like third. But second is lawnmower fire, because there are a lot of them, and they usually involve fatalities. This one explicitly doesn't involve fatalities or directly, but I don't know, April 24th, 2017s, or date. North Collier Fire reveals lawnmower as cause of 7,000-acre blaze.

Yeah, I've never really thought of lawnmowers as incendiary agents. We had a couple of them in the reader replies today. We had Ian McAfordy say he, oh, this wasn't actually incendiary. He said he hit a sprinkler while mowing and it was like a grenade going off. That sounds funny. We also had D. May say that he absentmindedly hit a tree head on, which I want to hear more about this and started a lawnmower fire. But I generally don't think of lawnmowers as being agents of fire.

Like when I think lawn care disasters, I go straight to wildlife. Right. One would assume that. Apparently, there's a big deal with lawnmower and fire. Not all of them. I was hoping to get like a really funny story. Listener, they're not funny. Like, lawnmower, apparently lawnmower fires caused nothing but mayhem, destruction, and sorrow all across the United States on like a daily basis, based on just a week of search results.

Now, admittedly, some of them just only hilarious. burned 7,000 acres. It's a bad fire when they talk about the fire moving, right? Like a house fire. Oh, that's bad. And then there's, well, the fire's moving west at about 20 miles an hour. Okay, that's a different

category. Yeah, we did have a couple of readers suggest that they tried to give up mowing their lawns by doing controlled burns on their own property, which that sounds like a lot more work than mowing for one thing.

Second, which is the more exact tool, Bernie, or anything else? Of course, as reader Jesse Pound points out, proper lawn care is just having a big dumb dog that blazes a dirt path from the porch to the fence gate. Wait, I would actually say that proper lawn care is goats. Don't your neighbors have goats right now, Spencer? Oh, they did for a minute. You can actually rent goats or sheep, and they will come in and... To like fuck up your cud-zu?

they'll only eat like invasive or bad stuff allegedly I don't I didn't see that they just ate everything by the way it's all grown back so oh cool good news we get to see the goats again the only entertaining thing for it for me was one I got to take kids into the backyard look over the fence and see like goats and you know that's like free entertainment right there just pull up a hammock and watch the goats for like an hour two the herd comes with its own shepherd its own dog sure yeah which i think is interesting because i do understand that they heard them if they get loose and that's cool but i also like that you know he's like yeah they're with me do you need to talk to him yeah let me check with him that he's like their rep or agent right if you need it you can go over to the great pyrenees under the live oak and go hey buddy we need to talk about goats and he's like come to the right dog i also enjoy andy Ferris at UW Ferris for the single car accident that is this rented a house never did yard work good man if you're renting you should never do never do yard work if you're renting fuck the man

landlord said I'd lose deposit if I didn't fix it used so much weed killer nothing has grown in four years man you're like is he drinking it does he have well water like I want to know about his water table I want to know like this is awesome this is like you made this law in your personal

Carthage you just salted the earth this is amazing nothing is grown in four years just tell them you're Zeroscaping

it's better anyway right yeah they give tax credits for that here in L.A though probably not for the poison

I mean the Pacific Northwest will be a harder sell like we get more rain than anyone in the nation yeah

but have you really thought about Zeroscaping bro have you thought about it. Have you ever wanted a botchy court? I just made you one big one. The whole thing. It's amazing. So shouts out to you for one, not doing long work on a Reddit house. And two, for really,

really thoroughly despoiling a spot on the earth. Very few people do that very well. It's basically like you and Hugh Freeze. That's it. But we do have other ones, which I think are the more preferable category of. Yeah, there's there's a couple that I'm grouping here together that I'm thinking of as the and one category of lawn disasters. Like it's the you know, it's the dun-dun-dun-dun and then the at the end, like the little swipe at the end, the back swing is what I'm really most interested in here. I'd like to start with Adam Henderson. He said he volunteered in past Christian Mississippi after Katrina and he was mowing a lawn

for some folks that had been neglected with a push mower and he ran over an underground wasp nest which literally everyone who's ever had to mow a lawn has done this.

It happens but the killer here is after this happens the elderly owner said well why would you do that we never mowed there for a reason. There's a related

I would like to insert at this point a related story from Josh Brundage who mowed a yellow jacket nest while in high school go jackets ran away screaming and getting stung and then his dad made him go back

and turn the mower off Oh, that's that's quality dad work right there I'm maimed well first you have to turn the mower off because that'll teach you a lesson that authority is insane I also enjoy this

that at Shaker Salmon said my dad got not one but two chainsaws stuck in a treat and had to buy an axe to cut them out. Hmm. Oh, irony. We are not outdoorsy people. I will further counter this, that I wasn't going to use this one because it seems like, oh, no evidence.

Nope. He included a picture. There's a picture of, both chainsaw is stuck in a tree. So bonus points awarded. I wasn't really thinking of this as having a Philip, but yeah, there's a picture here. So well done, dad.

Well done. You have another one? Yeah, I don't know if that would qualify as the and one disaster. It's just like kind of like a bump, bump. Like there's no syncopation to that one. Like I would go for something more like Justin Strawns who said, bit by a snake while pushing my riding lawnmower out

of some mud and the riding lawnmower was in the mud because he drove it into when he swerved to avoid a golf ball in order to not break a window. This sounds like how I went to Mexico a couple weeks ago while trying to avoid a legal U-turn.

I have been in this situation and my heart goes out to you, Justin. I enjoy I enjoy Omar United has a good one. You mind if I share this one? It's a delay. Oh, please.

Oh, I was about to read this exact one. Yeah, at Omar United. Ran over a frog with the mower. Oh, it's very disturbing when you hit wildlife with the mower, right? And what's the and one? The end one is it shot out at my neighbor's daughter posing for prom pictures. Which means that potentially somewhere there is a mid-frame shot, right?

Like an in-media race shot of them like, like madman style covered in like frog guts yeah all right i'm gonna i'm gonna drop a trio of these on you because i feel like they i feel like they deserve to be uh this is kind of like the the two truths and a oh dear there's there's two close calls and then there's one there's one that that's a little closer than a close call we have nick herwig who says my brother ran a riding lawnmower into the basketball hoop at enough speed to launch himself off it

landed in front and nearly got run over. This is hilarious because you fall off the mower but then the mower is coming for you. It's the second beat that really crystallizes this into art, right? We got Adam Condra

who says, once uncovered a nest of copperheads, raking leaves, Dad tried to kill them with shovel, kept missing and flinging them into the air on the upstairs. so basically dad is like magically digging up copperheads yay but the the winner in this particular category in a very similar situation we have to go to noted cajian david roy friend of the program

who i'm sorry i'm going to read this one i know you wanted it got a water moccasin caught in my weed eater yelled screamed screamed sort of through sort of threw weed eater up in the air I have a lot of questions about this, David. Snake hit me on the way down. The noise. That's what I want to hear here. Is the like, because the noise you made,

I guarantee that it was as sincere as you'll ever be about anything. And also, it's also the noise you never want to hear anyone make, ever. Did we cover, we did cover Ash Desert, Federico Trillini's accident? I don't believe so.

Oh, then I have a gift for you. Federico Trellini at Ash Desert Neighbor put sticks then leaves Then gasoline in a trash can And threw in a match Resulting explosion rain, flaming leaves All over the block and lit a few yards on fire Man

That's so good You basically had like a little amateur space program going there That's how you know you did it right If it's indistinguishable That's how wildfire spread If it's indistinguishable from a shit space program you've done lawn care really really well quote me on that for the rest of my life put it on my headstone Elon Musk is jealous of this he is he is it is jealous of this impact although

did I tell you I've decided to support Elon Musk's career why I'm sure he I'm sure he's grateful for this I've decided to support this we've we've had this conversation I oh is this the one where I realize that on a very base level yeah all he wants is to shoot America's silliest rich people into space. And I feel like we should support him in this. Not an N-1. The Prossi, attempting to replace a broken sprinkler head only to discover gigantic sinkhole underneath said head, sawed held together with tree roots. Like, there's no.

I need the second chapter to a lot of these stories. Please send us your follow-ups to these lawn care disasters. This is like death in Yosemite, but like death in your lawn. right this is like that series of books because this is genuinely haunting like if any of this happened to you you'd be shook for like weeks period I'm looking for another very specific one

which was I want to know I want to go back to absentmindedly hit a tree head on and started a lawnmower fire yeah absent mindedly hitting a tree head on where was your face how drunk were you I mean be honest I got to know.

There is that. Didn't we discuss a few weeks ago the optimal number of beers to mow with, and it decided it was like three an hour? I think it's three an hour. Yeah, that was David Fulton's question. Yeah, which was three an hour. This is clearly a four or five an hour. Because if you're absentmindedly hitting a tree, right,

then and starting a fire, there's a couple of other elements involved. Like the tree is really a can of gas that you left in the lawn, and you absolutely hit it because you were drunk. That's entirely... Yeah, in a way, it's also almost more interesting if he wasn't drunk, and he really did just not notice. Like, that's almost more interesting to me.

What if he was just sober? Yeah. Just cruising into it? Like, this is what happened to you? Completely. Oh, my God, this is so good. This is such old people revenge. Kathy Clark.

at K. Clark 95. Volunteer event. We clean elderly woman's yard. She watched me silently as I weeded her entire fence of poison oak. Sick rest of semester. Jesus. This old woman's like, young people, eat shit.

Clean that poison oak up. I'm going to ruin your life. Now you feel ugly and sick like me. Like me. Totally going to be that kind of old person. You're awful. gendered today, buddy. Like, I won't be an ugly, sick, old man.

Come on. Thank you. Yes. Or this. This is another one I need further clarification on. Alan Willis at A. Willis 31. My dad once literally turned our backyard to a landfill. Wait, define literally and define the landfill.

I sort of like to think that this was the second job or investment opportunity that he thought of he's like it's like Uber but for garbage well wait you know that this is this plays a prominent role in that fish dick story I wrote back when absolutely right because that that that lot exists in the first place because they there was an Albertsons that had burned down near to them in Lakeland and they undercut the family I guess undercut the bid that the Albertsons owners had gotten from the city or whatever to haul the burned down wreckage of the store away and so they just they hauled this shit away in trucks

and buried it all on their own land and now they can't build there because there's frion in the ground and this led to my favorite quote in the story which is one of Janie's uncles saying that you know this was back in the 70s when nobody cared how much mayonnaise was in the water table which

yeah that's actually true true of mayonnaise was not a controlled EPA standard then. Yeah, but they can't, they keep sinking pilings in, like, for buildings, and then, you know, one of those will hit a freezer case and just collapse. Yeah, and then fall into the Florida aquifer, some 5,000 feet below the surface of the earth. From limestone cave to limestone cave to limestone cave to the earth's molten core. I also, I do think there is like a dad opportunity here, right, where he was like, we'll just put people's garbage in our backyard for money.

That's an extra $50 a week. That's great. It pays our cable bill plus some. How about it? So I need further information on this one. Bobson Dugnut at Binkley Go Blue 1. It's a haunting one. That's a great combination.

My dad's riding mower hit a rock in the yard. Rock flew across yard was 66% successful at severing my mom's thumb. Oh, shit. Yeah. God, how do you even play? the aftermath of this because it's like can't you hear the back peddling already well I'm sorry honey but you know

you did tell me to mow the yard and then she just reaches out and grabs his throat with four and a half fingers that's totally where the dude's going with it too right yeah like actually this worked out for the best because choking

that and thought I was ordering 15 cubic feet of mulch actually ordered 15 cubic yards that's fine you never have as mulch you never have as much mulch I have never overpurched mulch you'll use it for something yeah exactly if not well man we got to start it for an instant compost look look just get this going it's fine you're fine that's not a disaster we'll keep up the maim we'll keep up the maiming theme um which is from Matthew Monti at Matthew Monti. No, no details.

Just we cut straight to the facts here. Gas hedge clippers. Although three fingers on one hand being the same length comes in handy. When? When? Let's go to an emotional maiming here from Rob Hadaway. Ran over a magnolia tree sapling with an old snapper riding mower, bad, while dad was. watching.

Worse. Yeah, worse. I did actually refuse to come in the house once as a kid because I thought my dad was going to kill me because I had done long work poorly. I wasn't a very rational child. Yeah, what was your plan? My plan was to live outside. Okay. For the rest of my life.

How'd that go? It went pretty well, you know? I, um, it got me to Florida, so, uh, yeah. Let's revise that. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That and, but yeah, I stayed outside for about an hour.

Which is a kid, like, if you stay outside for an hour, it's like, wow, he's been out there for nine days. That's a great plan. My God. I also want to know what this is. Decapitated a golf card off on a hidden grapevine. Which led me to sodding the owner's three acres as payment. Oh, wait. What, how?

I want to know what kind of an exchange. This is not an equitable deal, sir. I'm saying, like, if I take the top of your golf cart off, that's like max an acre, right? Max. I mean, three acres, you, sir, that's two acres of guilt and one acre of compensation, all right? And in a capitalist economy, there is no morality under consumption. It should have just been an acre. I'm just telling you, you got hosed, all right?

Do we want to do Jacket, Dan? Do we want to do Kirkwood's best here? Eh. We can pass. Sorry, Jack, Dan. I mean, it's a fire. It's really good. It's fine.

It's totally fine. Oh, here, here's a good one from at T-C-O-A-N. I don't know who that is. This lady. My husband got a sled. Yeah, I actually have been meaning to ask, how does everyone feel about the dirt track that you're building in your backyard, where it's hard to make grass grow anyway? It heals just fine. It really, I mean, there's...

Wait, what? No, it doesn't. There's kind of a trench back there. There's, like, okay, I'm not going to legislate this for you. Yeah. We'll let, do you want to just hand the phone to her? No, I'm just... And we can talk about your lawn care?

No, I don't do any long care. We subcontract that Oh, you use my guy, don't you? Yes, that is correct. And, yeah, there's a trench from me pushing a Not a blocking sled, it's just a sled back there. It's a blocking sled. It's loaded with weights.

It's more of a training sled. It's the exact same thing as a block. It's the exact same thing as a blocking sled. It just doesn't have a dummy on it until you load your children onto it. I will know until I put someone behind it. Let's be fair. Okay. Yeah, but two, but yeah.

I only do it two days a week, but yeah, there's a trench, there's a trench back of the backyard. It's a little trench, it's a wee trench. It's scarcely verdun worthy back there. But yeah. Your backyard is not the most picturesque place anyway. I'm not sure that this is like a strong objection. It's very well used. Let's put it that way.

It is a loved, it is a loved backyard, adored by children and feared by adults when they see it. As Ryan said, it looks like the yard of an abandoned. in Russian middle school. Oh, it does. Yeah, you know, like those photos of Chernobyl and they're like, and then they left Pripyat, and this is exactly what it looked like. I like your backyard because you've got this

kind of like this tromplail thing going on where it looks like forced perspective, but you actually have this lot that narrows at the back and also the further back, the kind of like wilder and woodier, it gets like Narnia's back there. It is. It's like redneck. It's like redneck. McNarnia, basically.

It is. But yeah, it's not been really good for the quality of the yard. But nothing grows back there anyway. It's shade. You just get like some clover, right? That's all. On the bright side, we've managed to go 42 straight minutes talking about long care. This is the long off season.

I don't know if you think we're doing that well. It's the longest. But you know what? Like, we really have, it's a sport played on grass. We don't pay enough attention to our deer grounds crews. I really do want to embed with one of the. Oh, God, you're going to get so many people adding you now talking about their turf management. Man, I don't want to spend, like, a week with the turf management people, just chilling.

Yeah. Like, because all they do on Instagram and on Twitter or just post pictures of, like, 6 a.m., like, here we go, y'all. It's just, it's like a riding mower on, like, beautiful green grass and no one's around. Like, there's one guy, I think it's Florida's grounds crew, actually. there's one guy who always has like a coffee and it seems so sedate and peaceful he's like man 630 a.m all just me alone on the fields it's just brr this sounds like a very soothing set of instagram follows it is like i i there are two kinds of people i highly recommend following on instagram one you should follow professional wrestlers nobody instagram is better than professional wrestlers or ex professional wrestlers the rock pretty much has the greatest Instagram account ever. The Rock currently in Atlanta. I'm not stalking him.

But you should also follow turf management people. Because if your day's a little stressful, just pop open that Oakey State turf management team, they got you. My Instagram midday soothers are every national park I follow on Instagram

and also every professional roller skating crew. I can find. Ooh, that's a good one. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, I did find a sports media, I did find a new sports media person who does nothing but like pictures of women's asses. Another one besides the.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Besides that one. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I'll share it with you. Actually.

My favorite, my current, is this another person who claims to be a digital native who doesn't know that other people can see your likes on Instagram? No, no, no, no, this is better. This is better. This is definitely not a digital native, okay, when I just tell you who it is. I'm going to tell you who it is, and I'll send you the evidence, which is really good. But I'm going to tell you who it is live on air. Because remember, people can... I knew about him. Oh, yeah, no, it's never stopped. No, we knew about this because his overlords have had to have very awkward conversations with him. that apparently have not sunk in. No, he's been doing that for years. No, still rolling, man. Oh, that's so, well, I'm glad that he's, I'm glad that he's sticking with his brand

because I know that, I know that mutual friends of ours who are colleagues of his have attempted to take him aside and explain that when he smashes that heart on like yoga mommies. Dot biz, it's visible to all, but I'm glad to see that that hadn't sunk in.

I'm glad that he's sticking with it. That's good. Good for him. When you love something, man, you just got to keep at it yeah yeah remember kids everyone can see your likes behave accordingly and that's why and that's why i only like photos of food people doing exotic travel and bondage gear