Shutdown Fullcast - Shutdown Fullcast 7.05: BOLD VACATION TAKES

Episode Date: May 17, 2017

Let's start with a few apologies. First, we apologize that we take forever to actually get to the heart of this episode's topic, but there were Charlie Weis things to discuss and you know quite well we're going to talk about Charlie Weis things. Second, we apologize that this podcast continues to exist. We still don't know why that is. Third, we apologize that we have now encouraged you to go on a group vacation to a national park over a long weekend. It's going to go badly and yes, you should have just gotten those cheap plane tickets to Portugal with your significant other. You don't get Lyme disease from drinking too much wine. (We apologize if you can, in fact, get Lyme disease from drinking too much wine.) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Ryan Reynolds here for, I guess, my 100th Mint commercial. No, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, honestly, when I started this, I thought I'd only have to do like four of these. I mean, it's unlimited to premium wireless for $15 a month. How are there still people paying two or three times that much? I'm sorry, I shouldn't be victim blaming here. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash save whenever you're ready. $45 up from payment equivalent to $15 per month.

New customers on first three-month plan only, taxes and fees extra. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes to see details. The land down under has never been easier to reach. United Airlines has more flights between the U.S. and Australia than any other U.S. airline, so you can fly nonstop to destinations like Sydney, Melbourne, and Brisbane. Explore dazzling cities, savor the very best of Aussie cuisine, and get up close and personal with the wildlife. Who doesn't want to hold a koala?

Go to United.com slash Australia to book your adventure. Welcome to the shutdown full cast Yeah, there's nothing else going on in the world You might as well talk about some college football That's what we do on this show My name is Spencer Hall I am the editorial director

Well, I guess editor at large is better I like editor at large It's vague When anyone ask what you do you're like I'm editor at large It's large And it's at For SB Nation

It makes you sound like a secret agent who's, like, been stripped of his license to kill temporarily. Mm. Yeah. No, that's generally my, like, ideal job description, right? Mm-hmm. Can you kill? I used to be able to, but now the man's got me down.

And depending on how many plates you're pushing these days, it's probably accurate. Like, I'd imagine, I'd imagine you're looking swall these days, right? You know, if you're within six feet of me, you're dead. If you're within seven, I got to chase you, and then it's debatable. if you outrun me over 30 yards you're probably going to live I'll follow you to hell when's the last time you ran 30 yards?

Two days ago okay was chasing a kid it was fine it was fine I mean it's not running's not fun you know and if you're like super big and jacked and spole it's really not fun

that's why we as soon as possible in human development we were like ah fuck can I just hey horse come here I don't want to do this anymore can you do it can I just lay on you please thank you I'm gonna fucking invent agriculture

if I have to take another goddamn step yeah you notice in the game civilization running running disappears real fast right it's not like oh you have sprinting troops no they're like we got horses so since you've gone ahead and opened up this can of worms

is pretty useful all throughout the game uh even in towards the very end i always feel like mike leach whenever we mention someone mentions civilization so i'm like i know you don't give a shit but i'm about to talk but your scout is useful toward the very end as a as a spy he can park him up on a hill till the end of time and you can see if an army's coming there are people who brag about running like that doesn't make it good just because some people like it yeah i mean people brag about oh boy i returned videos on time and i never understood why people got in trouble in that i always turn my homework in on

time. Yeah, how's that treat you? I like Notre Dame football. Mm-hmm. It's funny. You know, I floss every day. Don't know how other people have trouble

doing it. I remember the name of the university I graduated from. Yeah, wow. I like you to remember it as well. Wow. The mundanity of your pride is amazing.

Please, engage me further. I tend to pay my bills on time, sometimes early. Wow. Get a merit badge for that. way to go you know who had but I mean

Notre Dame did have auto pay set up for the Charlie Weiss contract so boy and that's that's real smart because that came due you don't want

oh man you don't want the late fee on that $2 million annual if you can't if you can't afford to pay it you know what happens that motherfucker comes back

read the fine print sucker oh yeah I'm in charge again does Charlie Weiss come like a tufted needle mattress in a box that you have to be very careful opening right like actually like so let's say brian kelly let's say they go seven and five in 2017 and you fucked up the contract and oh shit charlie weiss is coming back and he wants to stage a coup are you just like whatever sure i mean i i i think you're mostly mad that you didn't pull the ripcord sooner and argue like hey we're

still paying you you still you're on the hook buddy you throw money at him like he's a damn vampire and it's garlic or whatever you call it a buyout i call it a retainer i will tell you my you're on retainer to be not coached uh two things about notre dame amuse me one the claim that people enjoy making online by calculating the exact value per when that they'd pay saying well you know charlie weiss man he was like at kansas he was 1.25 mil a win, and a Notre Dame is 1.4 mil a win. I would like to ask anyone listening, I don't know, Alabama fans, for instance, trying to find the most corrupt and fanatically devoted people in college football, you'd pay 1.4

mil a win if you knew that was the cost ahead of time, right? If you lined it up, you go, boys, you got a maximum of 14 games. It's going to cost you about $22 million to go undefeated this season. You know who's going to pay for it? Alabama. They're going to, like, close some preschool. schools they're going to take away head start funding they'll be like we'll we'll find it damn it there's couch cushions there's children's welfare they'll they won't pay for the old miss loss

because they know they can survive that yeah you get one you get one freebie heck that's a guarantee that you're going to the title came but yeah and if you're kansas damn right you're paying one point two mill for a win really how many do we get four one yeah let's find it i think we can scratch together two point three can i get point three of a win do you round out sure sure you still have to play texas so okay you see if we lower everyone's price per win to the point where it costs five dollars a win and we don't get any wins an economic miracle happens kansas yeah that's you'd pay that like i think that's kind of like really backwards thinking when you go well they cost that much per win well yeah

you'd pay it in advance that's not the point man like Charlie Strong according to Darren Ravel and I just said his name he'll block me so I can give him credit for that Wow you're something So you've like entered the sports business industry now

I am a sports business reporter now Magnet if you will Please come to my special convention of think fluencers and power brokers SpenceCon Every day should be salary man day We are We're influential

we're very important and there's only 50 of us but you have to pay $7,000 to get into the convention but once you're there instant credibility you'll be with all those other think fluencers you'll also get a free pair of shoes

from Spencer's new line thick baller brand a thick baller remember six yards and deadlies our motto seven yards you probably get in a way thick baller brand let's play half court basically I'm a rhinoceros at this

point. Nearsighted, powerful. And if it goes further than 30 yards, we're just going to let you roll, buddy. Thick baller brand. Yeah, I'm cherry picking, but cherries are delicious. $7,000 a pair. Thick balling. Charlie Strong was

1.85 mil, a win, by the way. So, way to go, Charlie. I don't know why this is a mark of shame when they're like, yeah, man, like he was really expensive per win. Luxury brands. Luxury brands. How much you're going to pay 50 cents for a good dive of truffle? I don't think so.

You want to pay full price. I think this is the wrong way to look at. I think you should really be paying how much you paid per loss, right? Yeah. Because that, you get paid the same money, win or lose. Ooh, yeah. So Nick Sabin, his losses are breaking the fucking bank. That's right.

Then you look at a coach like Charlie Weiss and you're like, well, you know, he really spreads that. He amortizes is what he does. Oh, if this were an insurance market, please. Please, Nick Saban incurring much greater costs per stroke, right? You're like, he only has one heart attack every three years. But it's deadly. It's, man, it's a whopper. This is the big one.

Yeah, it's a toe curler, man. Whereas a Charlie Weiss program, yeah, we're amputating, but you got 10 fingers and 10 toes. Charlie Weiss, the boxing helena of coaches. We just amputate little by little. Work your way in. Johnny got his gun The Kansas Jayhawks head coach

And like that movie You'll be sightless, soundless, and mute sitting there going Please, please kill me Please kill me Don't ever watch it Don't ever watch it By the way

The other Notre Dame fact I did not forget our second point And that is a first Notre Dame has the largest football staff In the country Which was according to an NCAA survey obtained exclusively by

CBSSports.com the largest staff according to all right now we're going to get into that we're going to get into that I'm going to let you I'm going to let you hop in

with the well actually here okay amenity of the shoot you just drop him with the well actually when I am done with the basic facts the case indicating

that they are incomplete as presented okay yeah yeah well your honor I would point out that even the NCAA is admitting We were just looking at websites and counting faces. That is correct.

Yeah, okay, so Alabama has its secondary coaching staff and it's tertiary coaching staff and its backup tertiary coaching staff and I don't put their faces on the website. Why does anybody need to know what they look like? That is correct. Now, and there's a story behind that. We'll get to that as well. On the face of things, the listed non-covert, right,

credentialed staff for the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. They have 45 on field coaches. including coaches strength coaches graduate assistants and support staff i think on edsbs tomorrow we just try to name all of them right like jowl i think like jowl monkey has to be one of them right i see i see this is like cleetus the slack john yokel's kids basically correct correct like what do all 45 people do right echo echo maintenance right right definitely needed all of philip Rivers kids. Every single one of them. Regis Philbin, just listed there at like the 38th slot for no reason

whatsoever. He's a fan. He's good. But they're followed by, on the top five by Texas at 44, Georgia at 42, Auburn at 41, and Michigan at 40. Michigan, by the way, Big Ten member, they handed a $20 million bonus to their commissioner because he makes a lot of tackles got a hell of an arm jim delaney beautiful post patterns who's at the bottom at the bottom in terms of bang for buck and you asked that knowing the answer and i love you for it like who's got like seven coaches yeah who's got two coaches one of whom is part-time kansas state it's kansas state by the way if you if you do if you do kansas state in terms of wins per staffers no one is more efficient than bill i was born in the depression

and Snyder. It's beautiful. Which depression? It was the South Seas bubble back in the 18th century actually. He made it through it and recouped his losses, you know, trading with the Dutch. Had a cinnamon farm in Jakarta. It was weird. Not because he was alive, but because, man, Bill Snyder swore that, you know,

like Dutch Indonesia wasn't worth the investment back in, like, 1620. Time and tide change everyone's opinions, man. So what's the number for K-State? Let's go through this. The actual number for Kansas State, if you are looking. Because I can tell you, on the website, they list, they say they have 10 full-time coaches. Yes. They have total number of staff for Kansas State.

They have 24. 24. Now, I will tell you this, the listed number for Oklahoma State is even lower. Like, if you want to know who, like, who's got this thing wired, Mike Gundy's practices are like 90 minutes. They only have 20 listed staff. They win somewhere between what, eight and 11 games every single year, right? Mike Gundy lives in Stillwater where rents like $30, right?

I mean, dude has this, like, like, low-key wired for speed, man. Like, his life is in very, very good shape. All he has to do is, like, wear a singlet every now and then to, like, pimp for Oklahoma State Wrestling. Who sold out their arena after he did that, by the way, in case you do not doubt that this man is a local god. And occasionally, he has to get in, like, a public, like, snippet with T-Boon Pickens. And who wouldn't enjoy that, man? Talking shit to a billionaire's great. Although, I think T-Boon's now in that 100 million range.

Shh, don't tell anybody. Ooh. damn i know deep and factual burns they don't go away or heal quickly what are we actually talking about this week oh man well i wanted to start with a little bit of history okay you say start as if we are not already 10 minutes into this podcast but cool time is time is really a debatable quantity right might not exist if you're a big 12 rough yes that's true if you're stuck listening to this bullshit

it, then yeah, I guess that'd be a comforting thought. Then you have decided that time is an expendable resource. That's true. Well, you know what? According to some physicist, might not even exist as a variable. And if that's true, the full cast has never been a waste of anything but your attention. Oh, shit. So we've gone 4D.

We are. Or have we gone 2D? The podcast that plays 10-dimensional chess. to 11th dimensional billiards That's us, baby Tell your story I would love to talk

A little bit of history Because we have Just randomly I'm just going to mention Disclose and Classified Information Not that it's relevant to anything Not that that's a problem Yeah

Not that that's a problem anywhere, okay? But God, you know John McCain Listen to this podcast you monster he's gonna he is going to be absolutely i'm leaving i'm leaving a four-star review on itunes four i say that i will edit the next day to five yes i am going to object and then let you guys do whatever you want i'm considering a four-star review i will issue a sternly worded letter of support for you john mccain says you should subscribe to the shut down forecast i will

scowl at you while holding up a photograph of myself smiling. John McCain, you spineless, biotch. I object to your sentiment, but I support your ability to say it. Five stars, gentlemen. Thank you, Senator McCain. The thing I wanted to start on in terms of divulged

intelligence and scandal. A little bit of history. I wanted to take you back to 1972. 1962. Back in year old Southwest Conference. Now, if you do not no kids and I will take any help you guys would like in conveying the sketchiness of this conference

by the way. The Big 12 hasn't always been around. Nope. I know that such an August and stable institution is the Big 12, right? Which has been a model of harmony and peace for everyone in college football. Nay, a shining paragon of brotherly cooperation and equality among us members. The Big 12 has not always been here. Nope. No, no, nope. It's actually a relatively new invention. And in this case, at this time, Oklahoma, the University of Oklahoma, and the University of Texas were both members of something called the Southwest Conference. The Southwest Conference, reputation-wise, Jason, what would you say the reputation of the Southwest Conference was? Wee-ha!

Precisely. That's a really... good way of putting it. Let me put it this way, okay? Almost exclusively schools from Texas. So, in other words, just rich morons. Rich morons, pouring money into football and buying stuff. Who is in that? SMU. Are you talking about Camero buying Eric Dickerson paying SMU? You're damn right we're talking about SMU, okay? Oklahoma is in that conference. Oh, are we talking about Barry Switzer, Jamel Holloway, your mama got a new trailer, Oklahoma? You're damn right, we do.

See, Barry, if you need $100, he'll give it to you in cash. And forget about it. He really did. It wasn't like he was corrupt and keeping tabs on anything. You'd just give you $100. You look like a good kid. Yeah, that. TCU, TCU, back when they weren't exactly like

Lily Clean. Yeah, this whole conference. And on top of that, Texas, where? Ryan, have you ever heard this story? I mean, you haven't told the story, so... No, no, no. It was in 1972. The LBJ story about how they used to close visits,

particularly those with African-American athletes on campus at the University of Texas. No, I have. I haven't, and I'm already afraid. No, it's great. It's great. For a time, for a time, whenever there was an athlete who might be sort of hedging on whether they should come to U.T. Austin, which at the time had a reputation for being, you know, broadly, culturally tolerant,

but not exactly the best or most inclusive place to be an African-American athlete. They would bring you onto the quad, and on the quad, you would hear the sound of a helicopter, and then the helicopter would land in front of you, and out would stride Lyndon Baines Johnson, the president from Texas, who signed the Civil Rights Act, strolling out of the helicopter and he would say, well, welcome gentlemen to the University of Texas. And that was typically one of the things that they would do to close

things. Then he would show you his dick. Does Ho Chi men have this? I mean, I did. I did assume that was what would happen. Yeah. Does Barry Switzer have this? Well, I don't know. He might. He's very resourceful. No, you'd know.

Barry would not keep it a secret. You're damn right. We stole LBJ's dick we keep it locked it in this safe i'll keep it there oh hell that little old thing i took everything else from texas i might as well taking that happier in the pig and shit fairs what's it so this gives you an idea of the theater pomp and circumstance and commitment to a certain money degree of excellence in amateur athletics that was the southwest conference that spread to pretty much everything that the conference did including, including the art of espionage.

1972, Daryl Royal, legendary Texas coach, not too recently deceased. If there's a quote in football, by the way, and you hear it, Daryl Royal said it. Daryl Royal grew suspicious when? This is from a newsokay.com, daily Oklahoma article from 1996. OU's players had yelled, quick kick after a simple UT substitution, and then blocked the ensuing punt to break open a three-zero game. Texas at that point hadn't used a quick kick for years.

So naturally, with Barry Switzer already beginning to eat him alive on the recruiting trail and some suspicion, Darryl Royal began to do some investigating on his own and got confirmation of the espionage from who? From a Houston businessman, okay, and said that a guy named Lonnie Williams had posed as a painter inside Memorial Stadium and when it came time to take notes on him would go to the restroom and take notes on Longhorn workouts and practices now naturally the guy who was the contact

for this was Larry Lacewell I want you to remember that name okay first of all Oklahoma or Southwest Conference coach named Larry Lacewell straight out of central casting but also he's interesting for another reason also Larry Lacewell buddy of Barry Switzer

Barry Switzer of course denied everything Royal said to the press that he would offer 10 grand if the OU coaches would take

and pass a polygraph proving their innocence and if they do it he'd quit coaching Royal would quit a couple years later anyway but he said he would quit

coaching typically when somebody's like hey if you do it I'll quit they kind of want to quit anyway Larry Lacewell in response said he'd take it, but not for 10 grand, but for 300 grand, and I quote, cash money. So if you want to know, by the way, another thing about the Southwest Conference, they were saying the phrase cash money and quotes well before Randy Moss. Non-sequential. Non-sequential bills, please. No cops. I'm going to take that to Mexico and check it for a die bomb. To be clear, you did say take, not pass, right?

I get the money? Okay. Take and pass. Take and pass. Oh, you think they weren't up on their oral contracts. Shit. Please. Also, it got even worse.

Went up in the papers next day. Associated Press reporter. Here's where we'll refer to the Oklahoma Sooners as, quote, those sorry bastards. It's all very juicy, right? Very Switzer. Completely denies it. Keep in mind, by the way. This is an article from next.

At the time, who was Barry Switzer coaching, Ryan? Oh, God, he's, he's Cowboys coach, isn't he? That's Super Bowl winning Barry Switzer to you. At the time, by the way, Barry Switzer, just an assistant. It's not quite up on it yet. But years later, and here's my favorite part, okay, everybody denies everything. Everybody gets real mad, right? and uh and uh did did barry do it well 1974 gets accused of it again he he denies it now but he acknowledged it in 1990 in a book

just wrote it down yeah we did it if i did it and i did and then denied it yeah yeah so barry switzer has alternately denied and admitted that they were in fact, yes, in 1972 and 1974, cheating. In 1990, he wrote, it did happen as it turned out, although I didn't know it at first. Darrell was right to accuse us of that. It was my fault, so I was the head coach, and it happened. In 2001, hell, Darrell was right. We were spying, but it happened several years earlier when I was assistant. But it's so damn long ago, I can't remember the details. Summary, TLDR, Barry Switzer was totally cheap in Oklahoma. So, you know, don't deny it.

Just come right out and be Barry Switzer. Be190, 1990, Barry Switzer. Don't say it. Well, I can't remember it. You remember it. You remember, like, third down from a game in 1977 in the third quarter. Totally remember whether you cheated or not. I just like the idea that Barry Switzer is like, well, as a creative writer,

I felt that, you know, it enhanced the, it enhanced the fiction for me to, for me to inject that drama. I view that as the character's choice, not mine? Yeah, I was playing Barry Switzer. That's who Barry Switzer, that character, what he would have done. Spencer, you still need to tie a Larry Lacewell bow on all this. Thank you. That is our last bit.

Larry Lacewell, the assistant in question, right, who is contacted for this and who says, if you give me $300,000, right, that I will do it according to, I can't believe this actually happened. This is the part that I actually cannot really necessarily believe but that has been verified on more than one occasion. Larry Lacewell

who goes on to work with Switzer for the Cowboys. Okay? Which goes to show you, man. If you got a winning pony, stick with it. Guess what that pony will do?

That pony will get you a, job. That also is what Barry Switzer calls his deck winning pony. Funny that you should take that turn in the narrative. Larry, Barry Switzer ends up having an affair with Larry Laceville's wife. Oh!

Yeah. And guess who's still friends? Barry and Larry? Man, Barry and Larry just Barry and Larry just chose bros before the other option. Well, I guess

Larry's name is Lacewell, but doesn't lay well. I quote Larry Lacewell. Barry Switzer will take a lot of things to his grave. A lot of them good, some of them bad.

Nobody who knows football has ever accused him of being a bad football coach. You had an affair with my wife. Yeah, but damn that man Lopping I, coach. Jesus, man. Have you ever seen him watch film? Of my wife.

Here's what you're doing wrong, Larry. How'd you get this footage? Well, all right, that's part two of what I got to tell you. Yeah, I believe Larry Lacewell is also the one who in Jeff Pearlman's book, Boys, Will Be Boys, is pissing off of the side of a wedding tent, right? like drunk off his ass when Switzer is a Cowboys coach and Barry is equally drunk

and kicking him in the leg while he pees so he will pee all over himself at the same time this is after this all happened like if you want the original habitual line stepper it's Barry Switzer. Hell of a coach listen

they played hard so I guess my wife was was committed to the team that's all I'm saying I don't understand any of this. I'm just amazed that all happened. And that all of these people are still alive. That's true. Well.

Yeah. That's by the way, like, I'm not making this up. That's from Perlman's book. And that is from a Dallas magazine article that I will happily include with this post in case lawyers call all true. Let's talk about vacation. Yeah. Yeah. This is the time of the year for vacations.

Like in football, generally, right? Like everywhere, but particularly in football. Because Jason and I were not on last week's episode because we were each on vacation. I have not listened, but I'm told that you fucked up the audio, something fierce. So good job. No, no, it was creative. It was Spencer was in the left ear and Holly was in the right. So it was like, Outcast.

For the first, yeah, yeah. So like for the first three minutes, it's like, what the fuck is wrong with my headphones? You know, and then one one one listen. pointed out, you could just take out the left headphone and it's like, oh, this is a really nice podcast. It's true. I like to give the reader the option of or listener the option of not having me at all.

Or if for some reason they don't like Holly, which I can't imagine. They could just have me. Or if they don't like either of us, they can take both headphones out and simply let it play. She might have them blocked on Twitter. Holly? Hard to believe. I know. I know.

the uh but yes this is vacation we asked you the listener for some vacation rules right like we wanted you to have takes that we could defend and ultimately i think these kind of got like codified because people kept saying the same things over and over again yeah usually we like to pick out you know four or five of the hottest takes and break those down but this time around y'all delivered so many so many things in bulk just the same ideas over and over that I went ahead and grouped them up and I think we'll you know if we have time we'll still talk about a few outliers that didn't fit any of these genres but this this grouping looking at it all as a whole paints a picture a very particular picture of a vacationer and it's it's a little bleak I'm not going to lie so what I thought we could do is I could just just lightning round through these and Spencer and Ryan can offer their verdicts, thumbs up or

thumbs down on whether we agree with these as a vacation truth. Okay. So let me jump out of order here. Planning a vacation is fun. Executing it is not fun, like the actual vacation that is it's going to devolve into chaos recovering from it is when you really pay for the whole thing okay you want us to take these piece by piece i think that's just all that is just one that's one one cone um i don't know if planning a vacation is fun yeah i think it's summer on that i think it sounds fun and then you start and you're like oh fuck this is i mean imagine i was saying about how hard it must have been to plan a vacation before the internet because now if you're like okay we're going to location a and we need to find

a hotel i can go on a million websites and find photos and reviews and compare rates and whatever what the fuck did you do before the internet how did you oh you looked at a damn paper map you yeah you called you went to triple yeah you went to triple a and they're like well let's see what the map of yuma is and let's just call every best western and see who's available but you had no idea what you were getting into once you signed up for something no or you called and that was my favorite was you go uh well do you have any rooms yeah okay well do you uh what what are they like and they would have to tell you they'd go well that one's got two beds but that of them were going to be like they're assy and they smell like

weed yeah no no no you couldn't you couldn't just actually i mean a couple of them were like that right generally generally the thing you would have to do is you would have to know somebody who'd been there right you have to go okay man is this this place pretty good and they'd go yeah now this is when you discovered which one of your friends was a dirt bag and which one of them uh were not because they'd go yeah man it's fine and you'd show up and it would be the place that had like the door knob ripped off right on the inside but not the outside right the kind of the kind of place where they use um that thing you stick on the wall to prevent the door from banging in the door knob from banging into the wall and

they use those to patch holes all over the all over the room yeah kind of place that had like the sad red carpet of impending divorce and cigarette smoke yeah the asbestos blanket the pure asbestos blanket yeah the vibrating bed always quality when you showed up my dad was the master of the last minute like the last minute botched vacation like hey kids what if last minute we go to Cincinnati just kind of like jackass like oh god I got a family you should go on vacation with them. I worked like 90 hours this week but God they're only a little for so long

let's go to Cincinnati you know it's very like sweet and endearing in retrospect but at the time you're like Jesus dad why? Why did you do this? They have a decent zoo they got a bridge it's almost like the Brooklyn Bridge

but without the cool city surrounding it Kentucky's on one side yeah like that was that was my dad And, like, you know, we stay at this one place called the paddle wheeler in. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, yeah, you know, it was back as we walked in. You don't want your hotel to be named after an alternate mode of transportation. No, no, no, no.

You don't want, like, the telegraphers, the telegraphers treat. No, that's a bad form of communication. The paddle wheeler in. The petting motel. No, you don't want that. You never want to stay in a themed hotel period. Right. Yeah, unless it's Vegas.

Vegas is acceptable. Then you have no choice. Yeah. Well, don't stay in Vegas. I think that's the overarching lesson. We'll get there. We'll get there. Yeah, we'll get there.

But I went to the paddle wheeler, by the way, just like to conclude, moist carpet on the way in, deep shag, and the beds had coin slots for a vibrating bed, which is how you know it was quality and not at all affront for prostitution. So, yeah, this lightning round is already slowing down to impressive levels. We'll say no Because planning a vacation is not fun So I can't agree with the rest of the statement Well it's a big 10 lightning round

So a lot of people had variations On this take that all sort of melded into this one Going alone on a vacation is the perfect vacation If you have If you have more than three people You're going to have a bad time If you have more than six people You're going to have a colossally awful time

Go um no no this is this is not true six can be good but you're going to break up into clicks and you're going to have to accept that yeah it's a lot of this so many of these questions depend on like where you are in your life if you are single or coupled but childless going on a group vacation overall can be good i can't imagine i haven't done it but i have no desire to like and i did do this as a kid where we and another family would go on vacations together. And even at

the tender age of 11 or something, I was just like, this is, this is fucking stupid. There is no, there is no, like, math to this. There is no, like, economic argument for this. It's just a way for our mothers to quietly hate one another. Yeah, yeah. Although these are good

because I will say this, if it's with large family, you find out which one of your cousins, A, does drugs, and B, has sort of a residual but lingering like sexual tension with you always great love that so more than six yeah more than six can be pretty I'm from Tennessee I'm from Tennessee I haven't have either of you ever gone on vacation alone I have not I have it's great everyone should do it I went to Glacier National Park if I'd been eaten by a bear no one would have found me for a couple of days

it rules there's no demands you get up when you want you go where you want to do exactly what you want it's exactly like when you were a little kid and you're like if like my wife always says that she's like when i was a kid i wanted to go to disney world right all the rides by myself and you really and you get to do that it's amazing like you get if you're the kind of person who gets a little lonely hey you can get lonely but guess what uh the internet's everywhere right so like for glacier i just went in the park completely by myself occasionally met people right uh you have to convince them that you're not like a sex offender, right? Like, yeah, I'm not traveling alone because I'm a sex offender terrifying.

And after that, after that, it's really, really cool. Like, I'm at two girls. I just, I just want to know if the parking was free. Why did you say that? I know, yeah. Sir, this is a Wendy's drive-thru. I'm, yeah, but the key point is here. Yeah, a frosty, a small frosty.

I'm not a sex offender. I'm totally not a serial killer either. I think the one potential downside to going on vacation alone is you have nobody to shit talk with. And I find that to be a very important part, at least of my vacation strategy. Because there will be a point where something stupid and annoying will happen to you. And it is extremely satisfying to have a friend or a partner or somebody that you can just be like, man, that's some fucking bullshit. You know what, though?

When that happens when you're alone, you know what it is? You're just like, oh, man. you don't even have that reflex you're like the universe is kind of crazy like that it could be anything you're like I got robbed and you're like oh man that's just

that's just a learning experience right there you're just like fake deep with yourself oh you get to be fake deep with yourself all day long man did I get robbed or did I never have those possessions in the first place you know what possession all possessions are theft anyway maybe those possessions

had me and maybe I was freed exactly it came in one man like it just what it was here and it's gone but i'm still here right like yeah it's cool a cop sees it runs up like you want to you want to press charges listen man i just had a cool encounter with this guy who is borrowing some stuff for me so you know understanding yourself is the only passport you really need yeah like when i was in when i was in montana i was waiting in line for glacier you know you have to pay your entry fee for the weekend i'm waiting i'm pretty sure I'm next to some guy who's like a stormfront guy right like a total white supremacist

and like if I had been with somebody else I'd been like dude look at that total Nazi oh my god and I'm with him alone I'm like can't bother me bro I'm in a yellow rental Mustang whatever it's cool I hope you get eaten by a bear but I don't mean that in a mean way like yeah like okay he probably thought you were a sex offender in fairness he probably he was probably looking over it was like it's just a liberal sex offender a little bit of And if you set that out the window, I just would have been like, yeah, right, man. So I think what we're saying is the alone vacation, yes, but the group vacation, just be sure you have allies. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Group vacation, accept clicks, manage well. When somebody says, let's all do anything together, object strenuously, and say, I'll be the asshole. Take that on if you're the kind of person who can do that. And if you're not, find the asshole, lobby and get them to say it for you, okay? Logical splits, by the way. moms versus dads, youngs versus olds, okay, and drinkers versus non-drinkers. Exploite that,

use wedge politics, and you will enjoy your group of vacation. So, find the drunk as dad. Oh, drunk dad. Drunk dad is an ally here. Drug dad said we could rent a boat. You're going to end up renting a boat. You know why? No one's like, you don't have too many hands, right? They're like, blah, boy, I don't know what to do. Yeah, guess what?

Drunk dad already got a boat. It's cool. in this situation you sort of wind up with everyone wanting to please everyone so like you can really nudge the Overton window toward insanity like yeah yeah we're getting to fucking Robbie said he wanted to rent a boat so we have to Charlene already told Darrell we could get tattoos and like I just I think it would be better if we just didn't cause problems also you got to accept that somebody's Auntie who's trying to control the whole thing, man, they're just going to end up hating you. You got to write that off.

You're like, Andy Carla, you wanted us all to have dinner at 6 p.m. But guess what? We went to Animal Kingdom and we found the margaritas and it got kind of out of hand. None of this is the right. You are just telling stories from your own. I am just, listen, I only speak from experience so that you can take the gilded lessons of my mistakes and turn them into operational knowledge. There's no way we're going to get through the rest of these, but please. No, no, we got it.

We'll go quick. Let's try. Oh, we're good. We're good. I'm running this show here. This particular portion of the show. We're moving at the speed of Georgia. Let's go. We got two hours booked, right? A bunch of short trips versus one long trip. I'll jump in real quick here and say I support this one. Our finest vacation we've taken since my daughter was born, in my opinion, they would have different opinions. But my opinion was we took a short trip to West Virginia. Did some rafting, did some hiking and shit. Then we took a very short trip to the panhandle, did some beach stuff on the Gulf side that doesn't suck. That was a great vacation. It didn't cost a lot of money.

We got to do a bunch of different shit. And every other vacation we take is like a week and a half somewhere expensive. I will concur. Without support staff, one long trip, essentially an endurance run for either your family relations or you as a parent. Okay, if you're going to do one long trip, that's a solo adventure. I encourage you to do it. Maybe with a duo, anything over two people is going to get kind of tiresome.

A bunch of short trips, especially if you have small children or old people in tow. I will also agree, but for different reasons, if you take a short trip, like a three-day weekend, you can be like, yeah, fuck it, let's eat whatever we want. We're on vacation, and it's a short time. If you go on a long trip, like day seven, you're like, oh, I really should just eat some salad with no dressing.

You're fucking terrible. Gout trip! That reminds me of when we did for the 2014 title game We were all in Dallas for like five days And by the last day we did What was that barbecue place we did for easy call? That was a very poor idea we ended up eating at the place in Deep Ellum Yeah yeah

Anyway there's a video of it online It's great but we went back to it for like breakfast before the flight out And I was just sitting there like if I take one more bite I'm going to die Pecan Lodge We went to becon Lodge And we got the fucking platter And then You know

After four days of tacos and burgers And whatnot We got the fucking platter again And I seriously thought I was going to die If I took another bite Yeah if we ever And that was the damn work trip We will never

We will never do a trip like that again But B if we do The first thing I'm doing Is going to Walmart And just buying the vegetable platter Just two of those And being like These are here

Keep your body moving. Next question. Yeah, next question. Let's go. Next. All right. So these we will actually do pretty quickly. We'll go through destinations.

Gatlinburg sucks. Never been. Can't say. Disagree. They got a knife store and they have... What? Yeah, they got a, they got like, they got what, China Knife Fazaar over in Pigeon Forge? Please.

Wow. There's this other cool place you can buy knives, though. It's called the internet. The damn knife channel with the damn knife channel with the, the Twitter account that tweets out pictures of different Trump knives

every half hour y'all see that we rate knives yeah 11 out of 10 very good knife listen it's an anti-Gatlinburg people I stand with you

all they got is a sick bear next question Europe sucks I say no I like Europe wow Europe's I will say this Europe's for old tourists

you should go places where they don't speak English and things are difficult before and then you should go to Europe afterwards So I like this take by Scott Oliver, Scott Free 825 on Twitter. Traveling to Europe is obsolete because of Epcot's World Village. I'm stupid enough to agree.

I'm so stupid. I agree with that with my actual full mind and heart. Like, yeah, yeah, I've seen it. Yeah. I spent $9 on some German food. I'm good. Plus, there are no American college students doing study abroad at Epcot. Or if you are, man, you go to a bad college.

You need to do better. You either go to a bad college or you have. go to UCF. I studied abroad at Morocco. Yeah, I will say this, by the way, Europe, like going there when you're young makes no sense. It's super expensive

and everything is like candy-calf- Not now, dog, Brexit. Okay. Greece, baby. Greece! They set their whole economy on fire. You might as well take advantage of the savings. Santorini for $4 a day. Everything's got a

No. They'll pay you to fly there. Like it's mostly handicapped accessible. It's expensive. Why are you going to go there when you're young? Go to some place like, kind of like, you know, a little more difficult while you still have like the patience but lack the dollars. That's what you should do. Everybody does that backwards. Go to Europe when you're older.

Next question. Next question. Cruisees suck. I've never been on a cruise, but they seem like trash because I don't want to be somewhere I can't leave. the only place is that those are that I know of are jails and hospitals and cruises and those are all the argument David Foster Wallace went on one and then he

committed suicide now admittedly the lag time between those two might invalidate my argument but I'm going to take it as true cruises are just paranoia inducing fear voyages the only decent ones for parents Disney cruises of a moderate length because you can literally just drop your kids

off all day that's it I have also never been on a cruise but my 10 year high school reunion was briefly slated to take place on a booze cruise and I have never seen people I went to high school so mad at the idea that they would not be allowed to leave their reunion whenever the fuck they wanted so I will on the basis of Hillsborough high school students alone no cruises are bad fuck cruises next uh going somewhere where it is very hot that's a terrible idea disagree disagree get you get used to the heat there's some beautiful

beautiful places that are just insanely hot. Thailand is one of them. Thailand rules. So just on the basis of that alone, reject. Going somewhere hot is fine. Yeah, I agree. Also, pretty soon you won't have any other options. So lean in a way.

Get used to it, fuckers. So to me, the distinction here is humidity. If you're going somewhere that's hot and humid, just really think about whether it's worth it. If you're going somewhere that's just plain hot, just fucking suck it up because it's not actually hot. If it's not humid, it's just warm. um beaches most beaches suck agreed a hundred percent agree it's true over developed filled with assholes

don't know how to act right usually uh we've discussed this before on the podcast but in the great triumvirate uh pool lake beach lake is obviously the superior choice for any of these beach far too many variables including like just the prevalence of sand in everything like whoa why don't we to a desert that's bordered with like tepid water filled with people who don't know how to act and who look awful with their clothes off filled in this thing that's filled with carnivorous

fish, spiny, stinging things and jet skis. Yeah. And also, it's perfect for wiping off all of the sunscreen you put on. That'd be good, yeah. The beach is the part of the earth that the ocean is trying its hardest to get rid of. Trust the ocean. The ocean knows what's best.

man i couldn't say i need better agreed yeah just like moana um going far sucks never go far go near disagree 100% it it 100% depends on where you live i think but in general going far is good because this is i don't think this is in your list but a lot of people said this that it's not vacation um unless you're going somewhere where your phone doesn't work and you got to go far i agree with that sentiment and you got to go far to go somewhere where your phone doesn't work but once you do it's amazing you should do it well Ryan we live

we live in Georgia so that's not quite as true here but if you listen if you go far away to where you can't get reception you won't be able to download the shutdown forecast and now you've had a great vacation you're welcome wow just improved your life with that one

quick fix yeah don't go don't go far to get the same thing by the way that's like you should go far for something different right and don't and don't go far with kids it's very dumb to go far with kids unless you're going to be there for three months and by the way if you're taking a vacation that long you're really considering just living in that place right like oh well you know me and my husband who has a trust fund we just took the kids to australia for three months no oh you live there for three months that's how that worked out you moved you live in a tiny house now enjoy it

yeah uh going anywhere at all sucks just get drunk at your house the There are a lot of our listeners who advocated the staycation model. No, because half the reason you go somewhere is that you are allowed to do shit that you can't do when you're at home. Like, I don't know, put your towels on the floor and it's fine. Like, that's a thing the hotel tells you, do this so we know to clean them. Please put your towels on the fucking floor. Do that shit at home and see how fast you get smacked. Oh, why did you leave your towel on the floor?

You're wet, dirty towel. Oh, because I wanted you to know that I wanted you to clean it. Was that not cool? Shit. Let me tell you, it's worse if you put them on home and nobody smacks you because you know that means you're the one who's supposed to be picking them up. That means you have a bad home. That means you've got a bad home and you're the one who's responsible for it.

Surprise. Yeah, just get drunk at your house. It's a terrible idea. Vacation is about going somewhere where, yeah, you can't normally do those things. And two, someone else is going to take care of business. Three, you ever thought about getting drunk in the woods? Let me just go ahead and get my redneck on for a minute. You should go get drunk in the woods.

It's great. Go get drunk in the outdoors. It's amazing. So along those lines, another one was sort of boiled down to, if you have to leave your house, be sure you go somewhere desolate and dangerous and you do something stupid. Correct. So Spencer already agrees on this.

I'm in. I didn't even have to get to dangerous. This is Spencer's life motto, and this also ties into what Ryan was, mentioning about make sure your phone doesn't work yeah absolutely you got to make sure it's desolate and dangerous if you're not taking out some form of insurance prior to the trip limited only to the term of the trip i really question whether you're doing it right go somewhere desolate and dangerous so that when you get home you recognize it in relief as oh this is home

it's a cushy place i don't even have to try that hard i do think you should go somewhere desolate and dangerous but it should have at least one thing that you can be like that will be awesome and comfortable whether it's like a kind of food that you really like or a nice pool that you can like it should have at least one thing that you can be like there will be one really chill non-dangerous moment i think you do want that balance yeah after you brave your way through the dungeon you open the chest and you get the sword that lets you fight your way to the top of the mountain and then you get a cool view right yeah like let me tell you like you could stay home and play zelda breath of the wild right oh is that what i was referencing right or you could play it outdoors like i thought about that i was like yeah i was like am i going to tell these kids just leave the video games at home no sir i'm telling you to take them outside no guess who just took the nintendo switch to the grand canyon i was gonna say did you take the switch to the grand canyon yeah we played mario card at the grand canyon like this

is the great thing any human has ever done we're connected to no internet whatsoever when Alexander when Alexander the Great had that moment where he was like conquer it all there is to see you like thousands of years later are like

Eat it Rainbow Road bitch Conquer that You were wrong Alexander the okay Final take National Parks are very good

This was the one thing everyone approved of Yes I think national National parks are fucking awesome, especially because national parks, by and large, have, like, very reasonable expectations for you. It's like, show up, stay as long as you want, or don't. Do it short, do it fast, whatever.

It's not just, please don't set anything on fire or be a complete asshole. Yeah, that and this. Like, if you go out there, they're like, it's yours. It's awesome when you're like, oh, yeah, I mean, I own this after all. Cool. You know, I'm going to take, you see people who are the most. environmentally irresponsible people in the world roll up to a national park and suddenly they're like,

I think I stepped on a flower. This is mine. I should take care of it. I changed the future. Shit. Yeah. You see people who, and this is the other great thing is you will at no point in your life ever feel

more seasoned, tough, and mountain manish. You will never feel more seasoned and like ready for the wilderness than when you go to a national park and you see other people and how ill-prepared they are example, go watch videos of people's cars being rammed by bison at Yellowstone

which there's like 20 videos on YouTube at least that are high quality of bison just walking by a car and being like, fuck your car and just hitting it, right? They're my idea of light entertainment, but when you watch people and how they react to it, it's awesome because you know, how would you react if you saw a bison

hit a car? You'd just be like, oh, that's funny, right? Like you'd probably go ho-ho, right? There are people owned. Yeah, exactly. world star right there are people in these videos who are like how did that happen oh my gosh look at it why why did it do that and you're like i am like eight steps ahead of you but embracing the natural hostile chaos of nature lady because like you why did that bison do that why don't you ask it why don't you stroll up to it dude dude the minnesota golden gopher shirt

who by the way, everyone in Glacier National Park who had Minnesota gear on was wearing shorts even though it was like 45 degrees on a mountain pass like in cotton sitting up there like oh I don't just isn't cold it's a little warm out here guys were a bunch of pansies standing out there in your

mountain gear, your breathable non-cotton mountain gear you can bring the ice it'll stick to my flesh like the scales of a lizard make me stronger yeah that's watching other people encounter the wilderness and realizing that while you you may not be

Bear Grills, you may not be Survivor Man you're definitely further along than a good chunk of the population you can feel smug about that I encourage you to like the difference for me between a National Park and a regular vacation is like you go to Disney or what have you and everything is manicured for you everything is taken care of for you you know it's like there is just a hand reaching down from the sky and leading you along and keeping you safe and every ride is

designed for you not to be able to sue anyone and they went you know just every step is is just totally totally gives designed to give you the false impression that like the whole world revolves around you go to a national park and you realize you don't fucking matter oh yeah like this shit has been being built for 900 million years 900 million years from now it'll well it'll be underwater but you know it'll still be going you'll be not even a memory um you know every step you take you have the option of dying if you you know like like walking down to the grand canyon it's like wow like literally one false step and i'm dead like and the grand canyon wouldn't care you the grand canyon would not even notice you wouldn't even leave a dent no

i mean if like if like a banana peel fell out of my backpack someone would yell at my corpse for because you know it wouldn't it would take a long time to decay because there's no weather but you deserved it. Fuck you, banana man. But like, I mean, just the awe of standing, you know, amidst all that danger and like, you know, nothing here

is designed to make you happy. It's just what it fucking is. Like, yeah, man. That's what a vacation is all about. It's not about, let's go to, you know, let's go to this fake-ass hotel. or whatever you know also instructed for kids because you take them the national part and they're like hey you know all those times i told you i didn't care if you were happy with that thing i made because i was

just trying to like be nice to you right trying to raise you right like you're like oh i wanted a cookie and you're like trying to make sure that you know you get what you need to eat don't need to a cookie right because i care you point out to the grand canyon you're like you know who doesn't care about you or the existence of cookies that they're like wow yeah that's good Grand Canyon's definitely not my ally. Dad, I will do whatever you say. They don't do that, by the way. But it's nice to think that they would.

Also, another great thing about national parks. Awesome. I feel like so much more wholesome. And they're like, oh, what'd you do on vacation? Oh, we went on a cruise. What'd you guys do? Yeah, I took my kids. Saw America's splendid wilderness.

Took my kids to Zion, where they just absorbed morality and virtue from the soil itself. like oh so duncan on you moral morals wise spiritually right now you could even go deep with that right they're like oh you know we did we did yellowstone you're like yeah i guess you could do yellow stone we bought something from actual native artists oh did you he didn't wow i guess i'm laying up treasures in heaven and you're not that's crazy yeah we did this nice little 1.2 mile loop hike that's cool we did a backcountry hike it was awesome it was like

eight miles in and you know like little holding Caulfield hall he's like you know he's seven but you know he hacked it the whole time we had adequate hydration of course because you know we'd plan for months and you know he was holding his own pack and everything and when we encountered that wounded

antelope along the way and you know we've had to put it out of its misery in accordance with life's contract you have to stop killing things in national parks I've told you this we reported it to the ranger and he said you know you did the right thing that's it that's that's the merciful thing to do and then little holding cowfield learned something that day and the other family's like well i don't know we went to the racks afterwards

and good roast beef and then your but then your kid's like yeah our vacation fucking sucked yeah all he did was oh he did was like some damn rocks i feel like the best parent the world dad i need the switch Nintendo Switch. What was your favorite part of vacation, Taco Bell? I know Jim Harbaugh took all those kids to roam, right? Took a bunch of 18, 19, 20-year-olds to roam. And he's like, everybody, look at the impossible,

eternal legacy of man's effort to rise above the animal and construct something beautiful. And literally all they did was make barstool sports videos about pizza. pizza's good a lot of scooters go blue