Shutdown Fullcast - Shutdown Fullcast 8

Episode Date: October 30, 2013

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So I saw Steve Spurrier's reaction to the ball hitting the goal post. So I would like to get that first reaction to Missou, blowing a 17-point lead, losing it overtime, and destroying the hopes and aspirations of an unbeaten season. I can get you, let's get him out of the way first, because this was Steve Spurrier's reaction to the ball hitting the goal post, as caught on film, in so many words. it hit it hit the post they missed it all right catfish tonight that the members bounce that there that there you know that's legal at augusta that you know they uh they brought in this kicker they said he could kick field go i i guess that's why y'all better go for get better to go for touchdown instead of field go don't hit the flag you know i've seen uh georgia they kicked them a

55-yard field goal last time. They showed you what good field goals are. They like kicking those field goals, George. They do. They're good at it. Yeah, that's good points for them. It's more than they usually score. So that's a, that's Fourier's reaction, which I will tell you that my reaction, by the way,

was literally to exclaim, oh, my God, and almost wake up kids. I almost woke up the children twice on Saturday night. That was one of them, because you sort of saw it coming, but you didn't think it had the extra gravy of hitting and making that specific noise, the magical noise that you hear when it hits the upright. Now, the upright sound, as bad as it was on TV,

which is kind of a bong on TV, there's the video somebody took from right on the sideline, right next to the goalpost, where it comes across like, I mean, it sounds like a guitar string breaking. It's like this bionh noise that sort of makes you sick, even without the context.

So I can't, even imagine sitting in the front row for that and having to hear that sound. I mean, even if you weren't rooting for a team, you'd still be angry. What was the, what was Gary Pinkle's reaction? Yeah. Just sort of a, just sort of a, yeah, yeah. Sometimes a ball can hit the metal thing and it's not good. The sun's going to die one day. Gary, Gary Pinkel's house of Existial. Nileism. That's it. That's what makes his players so good. We're going to play so well and so intensely.

If only we played this game two million years later, Continental Drift would have fixed that. We all know none of this is real, right? Someday Missouri will be beachfront property when the plate finally splits us in two and the Mississippi runs backwards. I'll be so happy. Our world is but the fevered dream of a bored demigod

and I look forward to playing Tennessee next week do you actually think like Pinkle could get those words out of his mouth before losing interest and or enthusiasm? Oh look a dead butterfly

because anyone who roamed with Nick Sabin I don't know what it is with the two of them but both of them have removed any extraneous information from their lives to the point where you know they're really kind of socially handicapped? Maybe they were witnesses

or parties to some sort of terrible crime and they've sort of had to kill part of their emotions. Like there's all this suppressed emotion because I don't know they like ran over a homeless man. Or they saw someone shot on their campus by National Guardsmen?

Yeah, perhaps that happened. Maybe that really actually like we're talking, we're like making this joke and you're like, no, I have a real one that's way worse. Oh, yeah, that's true. But I don't, to my knowledge, Nick Saban had nothing to do with that. Well, you know, you're saying that.

I don't think things happen anywhere near Nick Saban that, you know, I don't want to say he was responsible for that. But, you know, the man has a way of controlling external events. I think it's unclear at best. That's the way most historians think of Nick Saban's role in the entire Vietnam War. Just take ancient aliens and substitute the word Sabin for aliens. And that's really Alabama's elementary history books at this point. We don't really know where Nick Saban was when Cambodia was bombed. We don't really know where Nick Saban came from.

Some people think the Big Bang caused Nick Saban. But we know God made Nick Saban, and it took him all seven days. Alabama was created as a joint effort between Nick Sabin and God over 600 years. Where did God come from, Nick Saban? Golden Plake. Which is more believable. A process or a big bang? Process got steps. Big Bang just happens.

That's fair. That's five-star recruit. That's all I'm saying. Hey, you know what? Sumeria didn't lose to Utah in, you know, year two. That's all I'm saying. And look what happened to them now. It's all part of the process.

That actually did happen. Damn. Youth! Yeah. It was a really good tangerine bowl. Stanford, Stanford, Alabama, and Sumaria, all upset by Utah. Best Age of Empires ever.

Kyle Whittingham has nukes. What a terrifying thought. Provo would be gone. He wouldn't bomb Mormons. He told them to get out first, and then he'd level the place. Levelle Edwards wouldn't leave. He wouldn't. There's nukes coming.

Let him. don't care i think there's the risk of utah fan storming provo either before or immediately after i don't know how you'd keep them out frankly all our jello's there yeah i i i haven't really is provo known for jello mormons love jello do no it's the thing they absolutely hoagie yogi a little bit of jello and your uh discount fruit beverages purchased at large stores. Not necessarily Kool-Aid, but the off-brand stuff. You mean like the big gallon

of red drink? Yes, sir. Purple stuff. Purple stuff. Can't drink. Hey, listen, you can't drink. Even Mormons can't drink milk all day. They just can't. It does clog the body's systems. It does. Like, you think Bronco Mendenhall

is putting down, you know, like his think he's doing Go-Mad? He might be, actually, because I've said it. If somebody just told me, you know that Bronco Mendenhaw, Hall only lives on buffalo milk. Just like buckets and buckets of it a day. I would believe you.

The buttermilk challenge. It should be called the Bronco challenge. He lives on mare's milk. He's like a mongle. Just chunks of fermented mares milk. I would totally believe that. Is that past right? This isn't the Pact 12.

He's out there chewing on milk. Man, these guys are all 42 years old and in the best shape of their lives. How many seven do you have, Bronco Mendenhall? I know. Five last to count it. Oh, man.

But that's, but that's, I think that wraps up last week in case there's anything else. That was everything you need to know. I mean, really, like, you know. Brunco Mendenhall's body is all bone. It hurt to watch Missou lose. I would also like to note one other thing from last week, Because I know you got you got a few things Minnesota looked awesome

and Rashidi Hegman is just the shit He's fantastic to watch That's it That was my like one great discoveries I really hadn't watched Rashidi Hegman Heygman play this year And then I tune in against Nebraska And he's throwing around

Taylor Martinez Like so much bad laundry It was magnificent Did you happen to watch The answer to this is no the northwestern Iowa game. I watched the very end of it. I really appreciated the way the Big Ten Network guys went all in on this, like, selling you that this was a good game.

They were like, I wish this never ended. This is just, I mean, you know, you can go to any conference, but you'll never see this kind of action anywhere else. This is bringing me great pleasure. It's like this game went to overtime and neither team. through for 170 yards. I would love to be an announcer for them because I would say everything in that kind of obliquely insane way, like, this is a connoisseur's game, right? Just the kind of way that you would say this is a connoisseur's game, like, as you were like,

I don't know, burning a television in your front yard, you know. This is strictly for the big fan. This is strictly for the real football fan. It all sounds like an ad from the 1950s. They're like, canned food is better than homemade. And cigarettes, it's the natural way to wake yourself up in the morning. Yeah, they really, really sold that game. And if, like, I can't help but do this now whenever Iowa wins, because, by the way, I did call for Iowa to win eight games a year in all seriousness.

And, yeah, I did. And I would also remind everybody that where does Iowa currently stand on the way to the Ocho? Five and three. Five and three with three to go. Hawkeyes, you have to win Okay, they have to win three out of the next Ready, ready? They have to win three out of the next four.

Those four are Wisconsin. No, no, not going to happen. If they do, it'll be heinous. There'll be a crime against football. At Purdue. Yep, yeah. Yep, yep. Intriguing.

Michigan at Iowa. Oh, they're going to be Michigan. Give me Iowa, please. Or if they do lose, it'll be a comedy worth watching. And then the last one, and one that I think could probably get someone fired at Nebraska. Oh, man. Oh, wow. That's the day after Thanksgiving, too.

You know what Bo Pallini might have to wake up the next day and say, I lost the Kirk Barrett's. Yeah. And then they'll win a games, and they'll go to a ball game that pays. He's obscenely well, and Kirk Farns will make like a trillion dollars next year because... Ten year extension. Ten year...

Do it again. Parents for life. Got someone fired. Then Bo Polini becomes a very highly regarded coordinator at Florida Atlantic. No, Bo Polini becomes our offensive coordinator. Yeah, I was going to say Florida Atlantic. I was really hoping we could go the whole podcast without talking about Florida, but thanks. Oh, no.

We're going to do that. Also, by the way, Texas Tech, way fun to watch. was just so awesomely aggressive and did not care at all about calling two onsides in a row and being so irksome to Bob Stoops and OU Football that they tweeted out. You know, winning looks better, the picture of Stoops and Cliff Kingsbury's pretty face. So good to know that Cliff Kingsbury is already reducing OU football to a level of previously unheard-of bitchcraft. and that says something, considering that Bob Scoops is their head coach. Also, trying multiple onside kicks in a row was Vanderbilt,

while down 40-something points of Texas to A&M. But still in the most onside kicking week in the country. They're still in the hunt for the SEC East for him. It could still happen. Are they in second place or so? You never know. Standings are a lie. Is anyone really in first place in the SEC East ever?

I think we're all tied for a second, and then there's Kentucky. Now, it might be best if the SEC West representative just plays either Georgia State or the Falcons, just so nobody has to make the drive down. I think that's fair. Yeah? Well, it's not fair because we're going to have to watch the Falcons. Yeah, I wouldn't wish that on anybody. It's going to be a bummer when the Falcons lose by five.

Tossing, turning, do you have problems sleeping at night? Your most precious resource being drained by an unknown foe. sleep disorder Mike Smith football Mike Smith football for all you need narcolectic you might be Mike Smith

You're you fancy fancy Steve Spurry West Coast types We threw the ball 61 times last week To no effect at all Yeah Was it like Oregon State

Against Stanford Yeah Yeah it was It kind of looked like batting practice Just ball sailing out In the middle of nowhere and nothing much happening.

Three-yard gain. Two-yard game. I would ask that we advance to this, which is what I wanted to talk about tonight, which is how we can screw this entire season up. I would like to do this because right now we have far too many undefeated teams and absolutely no way of breaking the ties unless we start really bending the laws of football, physics, history,

and common sense altogether. So in doing so, I would like to look at the remaining undefeated and let's find a way to completely ruin their hopes and dreams because we can't have an orderly procession to an Alabama national title. It cannot happen again. It's becoming far too routine to the point where it's even boring Alabama fans who cannot stay in the stadium for an entire game. The people just hate football.

they just they just well they hate you know what it's i'll put it this way uh you can't get you can't even at this point keep alabamians in the stadium for a ritual killing and if there's one stadium where i thought a mass killing of 22 people you know would be popular it would be alabama and yet you can't keep them in the stadium even for that that's how tired they are of this particular brand of murder glorious and successful as it is that said you know what there were a lot of last week in the state of Alabama, bitchy sorority letters going out. You got our block seat. You represent these letters.

These letters of a language we don't speak anymore. These twisty curly letters. Jesus used these letters. I think. He did. He texted them with his holy thumbs and his flip phone because it was a long time ago. that and that I like the fact too by the way that those letters are probably being sent by the same people who segregated the sororities there right like the ones who put the who put the kibosh on accepting like black members into the sororities there that's probably we're so mad about block seat and don't mention that other thing thanks Obama thanks Obama so let's let's take these teams before we get too aggressive let's take these teams and get I have a way to keep Alabama out, and this is how you do it.

It's all on less miles with a very important cameo by Auburn, because right now, LSU has two losses. Those two losses are to Ole Miss, ha-toddy-toddy, y'all. And to Georgia, who was literally a different team, like by position. Like people who were on that team that BLSU have actually are living in iron lungs now, because they've lost that many people to injury, almost as many as Florida. Probably more than Florida at this point.

They're probably just signing all the fad, Chads, and Brads. Putting them all at positions they shouldn't even be at. You're like, my goodness, they have an Inuit kicker. His name is Chad. His name is Beauchane. Wow, it's not even the right school. He should be an issue. He manages a boat dock on the Chattahoochee.

works a canoe part-time buss and tables it's weird so at this point LSU has two losses but they do play A&M and they will also play they will also play Alabama and at this point they can beat both of them

it's not implausible that they would win both of those games LSU beat A&M last year and LSU's been very close they've straight up beaten Alabama in past years and last year was very, very close until LSU forgot about the most basic pressure play or Alabama forgot about the most

LSU's defense. You know, the screenplay yelled in, that happened. So it's not implausible that they could win both of those games. It's also not implausible to think this, that after that and after an LSU defeat of Alabama, that one team

without standing line play a really tricky run game and outstanding coaching could beat them in a rivalry upset at the end of the year that's where Auburn comes in if Auburn somehow manages

to steal an iron pole which under Gus Malzahn's direction they've done before I know Nick Marshall's not Cam Newton that's hard to say that you're being a little generous there I'm being a little generous

but if they can steal an Iron Bowl away from Alabama and I do believe it could happen it's possible in theory then if that happens LSU will be the West representative to the SEC championship game where they will face most likely Missouri

now if they face Missouri this is where the real less Miles Magic comes in LSU takes all of that and just blows it that would be the most less miles thing ever to pull this off to be in position to pull off another like shot being like the two loss national title contender from the SEC and to just rack up a third loss in an insane

poorly executed crap heap of a game in Atlanta so that is my my demolition plan for how we get Alabama with two losses get every contender out of the SEC save for missou who will have one loss and we'll lose out to two undefeated teams in Oregon, a Baylor, an Ohio state. So that's my doomsday. Les Miles destroys the world scenario. Now, what I want to see is Les Miles game plan for that SEC title game against Missouri, because from what we know in that kind of game, Les can think really, really hard and come up with something really weird,

started to run the option against BAM in the title game two years ago. So I think maybe they come up with Storms, sort of anti-screen offense, like negative screens, like whatever the opposite of a screen is, because goodness knows that works against Mizzou, so they, I don't know what the opposite of a screen is, but that's what they do for the entire SEC title game. I think that's where you throw a screen pass, but instead of blocking your wide receiver's tackle. Okay.

Or maybe it's instead of throwing it sideways, just throw it straight up, like not even an arm punt, just like 500. directly up. Right. And then Zach Mettenberger catches it and tries to run. Nope, nope. I think this is when Les decides to honor Beauchamp Bechler's deepest desire. And that's just turning it to rugby.

Just start it off, snap it as far off the hash as you can and see if you can do rugby laterals all the way down the field. Fun. I like it. Yeah. And then Gary Pinkle's like, I don't even know if that's legal. I'm just a, I'm six hundred. $147 worth of minerals and resources just sitting here decaying second by second to an inevitable death, followed by the heat death of the universe. I, like the stadium, will be torn down in just a few years.

And replaced with a newer me that costs $2 million. That has a hole in its head. I'm so alone. I'm going to go to Carabas. So that's my, that's my doomsday scenario. Jason, you have Oregon's scenario on how the entire season can be ruined, correct? Yeah, I do. Sort of against my will. I'll be quite honest, because, I mean, the ducks have this laced up.

This gun's loaded, Kirk. Oregon is, you can book the flight. Everything is set up. They got Stanford that Thursday nighter, but Stanford's front seven is all banged up. Last year it was Oregon that was dealing with the injuries. on the defense, and Stanford, you know, snuck away with a late, close win. This year, Stanford's hurt, so that can count that one as an Oregon debut right now. And then they got Utah.

And, I mean, if you can beat Stanford, then you can beat Utah. Well, Utah might be better than Stanford, based on that one weird game that nobody will ever figure out. And then there's one game we're skipping for now. Then there's Oregon State, which, you know, yeah, they put up a lot of points, and they do that thing where we have to say they have a pro, prolific quarterback, which means they have to throw the ball every damn snap because, you know, that's what they do. And they put up a lot of numbers, but Oregon's going to run wild in Oregon State. Then there's the Pack 12th title game, which probably Arizona State.

Todd Graham might have family in Eugene who can pull in some favors, but, I mean, I don't think anybody seriously thinks of Arizona State is a threat to Oregon. that leaves on November 23rd a trip to Arizona where Rich Rodriguez is the guy who always has things up his sleeve. We know he spent the off-season acting in westerns. Maybe that could be helpful. It's an offense just like Oregon's that's tricky. They could put up 60 points with no warning. So go ahead and pencil in that trip to Arizona

as the thing that could tip over Oregon. mostly justified by the phrase that could get weird yeah yeah we talked about this in our uh our pre-production meeting y'all we have those that was uh that was pretty much the whole deciding factor for settling on the trip to arizona was you know hey things get weird in the desert everyone's got their cocapelli fraternity fertility doll statues and and uh they all ride around in jeeps in the mountains and smoke a lot of stuff and there's a There's a haunted city on a hill that's sliding down at the rate of, like, an inch per year. You know, all kinds of crazy stuff. There's tarantulas everywhere. Arizona is the craziest place in the world, so don't go there and try to win a football game with a lot of money on the line. That's also the game that if Arizona won, we'd look back in 15 years and be like, why is Rich Rodriguez still the coach in Arizona?

And be like, oh, right, because he beat Oregon in 2013. He's been coasting on that ever since. They will make him a throne of skulls. a few into this game. Tasteful animal skulls, but skulls nonetheless. No, no, I mean, this isn't U-TEP.

Oh, I'm sorry. U-TEP, they'd be human skulls. I think that's actually the Insight Bowl trophy. That's how they got Mike Price. Remember, Mike Price is sitting on all that SI money, right?

Huge settlement. They're like, you come to U-TEP, and he's like, you need to build me a, build me a throne of human skull. You'll never do it. Oh, my God, you know. I think, I think, I think he said, you know, I'm already a rich, and then he said, we will make you a god.

He's like, well, he showed him the throne of skills. He's like, well, you got me on that. Does that come with tacos? Every day. That it turns out being a god in El Paso only gets you free parking. It's really kind of a, it's not even a mitre deity kind of godness. You, Ryan, have been assigned, I believe. Florida State. Yeah. Yeah. I've become the ACC representative of this group, which is fun.

So Florida State is not going to lose to Miami this Saturday. I feel very comfortable saying that they're not going to lose to Wake Forest because Grob just doesn't have it in him. It feels a little too obvious this time. Yeah. They're not going to lose to Syracuse because Syracuse is terrible. And they aren't going to lose to Idaho, but there could be opportunity for shenanigans when, they host Idaho. It's the week before they play Florida. Paul Petrino is slowly losing his mind.

So I don't know, you both suggested before we started this that Paul Petrino might do something violent. He might do, I don't think it'll be violent. It will be weird. Like he might come out dressed in a tuxedo covered in blood. Maybe. There's not a rule that says he can't do that, right? Can I say how far it's gone with him? It would be more terrifying to me if it wasn't covered in blood. Okay. A really, like a really sharp, clean tucks. And then when they asked them at half time, what's with the blood on the tux?

He would just say, oh, don't worry, it's not mine. That would be all he would say. So that leaves us with two possibilities. The sort of obvious and frolly answer is Florida State goes in Florida on November 30th in a game where Florida is, let's say Florida is already bolt eligible by that point which is probably a stretch. I'm feeling generous and stupid.

And Florida just finally all of Florida's shitty luck and shitty play and shitty everything this season. The coin flips this is a game Florida wins. Let's say 15 to 12. Does that sound dumb? No, no, no. That sounds

the right. That's the right kind. That's the right. That's the right kind of dumb. Okay. 15, 12, and nobody really understands why or how it happened. That's one possibility. The more exciting possibility, of course, is the ACC Championship game. Right now you've got Miami leading the coastal, Virginia Tech, right behind them.

Let's go down a couple slots. Bowl-eligible Duke Blue Devils sitting two conference losses. They can get right back in there. I believe Duke still has to play both, let me double check. Yeah, they have not played Miami, and they just beat Virginia Tech. So, I'm just saying, it's a cutcliff party coming up. I would believe that box score only if, at the bottom under injuries, it just said, Winston, comma, j, parentheses, abducted by huge raptors, and parentheses.

Like, that's the only way I would believe it. Duke could win this game without even crossing midfield. It wouldn't make sense. One pick six. Yep. And then one kickoff return. Sure. Now, what I'm most interested in is the immediate FFU fan conspiracy theories and the calls

to leave for the Big 12 because they don't have a title game against opponents like Duke? Yeah, sure. I mean, if you want to play West Virginia every year, that's fine. Which would be hilarious because they could add them and then would have to add another team to go to 12 and then would add... Duke.

You know, we're getting a little big for the... That would be the greatest insult for the ACC ever. Duke's like, yeah, getting a little bit... I'm not too good at football for this conference. That's in our 18,000... stadium that looks like a crater we're heading to the big 12th this has been a particularly irreligious episode uh i will say though that if there is an antichrist it will be conceived at a kansas florida state gate whew just it'll just spontaneously up here from the 35 yard line

yeah a little boiling port of tar just surfaces eating a lean pocket charlie white is just looking at it going, oh, you did that all by yourself, huh? Selfish motherfucker. I'll make more than you. I'll make more than you forever. Everybody's like, yes, actually you will. You're super power, Charlie. Even hell, Charlie Westkins paid $3 million.

I want a bumper sticker that says that. We could sell at least, we could sell at least seven of them for that. I think the other two that we have would be this. We have Ohio State, who I will tell you, they're speeding up. They're accelerating if you haven't seen them, by the way. Since that Northwestern game, a little tough match against Iowa, rolling downhill and over for Penn State. But they do have faced Purdue, who, for some reason, it's just, Right being just wretched.

Remember, Danny Hope, I think, actually did say, get used to it, right, when Purdue beat Ohio State and was competitive. Danny Hope had the ball to say, get used to it. Which is, we rag on Charlie Weiss for saying strategic advantage. Danny Hope thought he could win things at Purdue once. That's amazing. Then, but they face Illinois, which I think that should be a really good game. Yeah, that'll be a pretty good.

game. Stop, but you're hurting me. You're going to get kicked out. It'll be really competitive. Do you think it's possible Nate Shieldhouse's father intentionally got himself thrown out of that Illinois game

so he doesn't have to go to it anymore? Yes. Oh, I would love to be there for you, but it is a violation of the law. He escorted out. I'm a threat to myself and others. If we were saying that you would actually

intervene to get the law to prevent you from having to attend football games, is Illinois not in your first five thoughts of like because if I was like man I'm going to actually get arrested so I don't have to watch this football my first five without hesitation are Illinois Kansas New Mexico State Southern Miss and Southern Miss those are the five man I really thought Yukon was going to sneak in there yeah I thought Purdue and Illinois would make it no no no because it Purdue okay they're like seven they're definitely there now right after Illinois, there's Indiana, which there we're talking about a definite 73-48 kind of game. This is the kind of game where if they decide to, because really, seriously,

how seriously can Ohio State take any of these teams now? Even Michigan, they're going to roll to that Michigan game with half their shirt out and the beer farts. That's how they're going to roll into that stadium. A little hungover. Not exactly in top form. You guys wear curfew last night?

Oh, yeah, coach. We had our rooms at 10. Empty 12 pack under the bed. Yeah, I stayed up all night watching National Treasure 2, and I don't even like that movie. And drinking. That's how much I hate Michigan. I don't want to give them the respect of not watching a shitty Nick Cage movie. Put that on a t-shirt at 11 Warriors.

And they do. And they would. It would be like 20 words. They sell like 800 of them. Because Ohio State fans will buy it. we love you guys your t-shirts are beautiful but point being

that that game is going to be a nerve-wracking game for them and then I think they are going to beat Michigan by 500 points there's no like we have a number of games at the end of the season for big teams who are undefeated and competing for a national title who have zero incentive

not to beat their opponent by appalling margins margins even we would find bloodthirsty I mean, really, like, Florida State, last game of the season, if they get up on Florida by 20, they're doing it by 40. But there is one possibility you're not accounting for in the Michigan game, is that if Ohio State goes up, let's say, 21 points at halftime,

Brady Hoke will just try to secretly get all of the footballs so that they can't keep playing the game. Just hide them? Yeah. Well, you know, like, they had to stop the game because it's not safe if you don't have the ball. Oh. It's a tremendous.

It's a tremendous ploy. Let's call it a tie. Damn. Yeah, it's a name, na, na, na, let me play some Chinese violin for you.

Yeah, this is actually for me the hardest one to believe because, I mean, actually, for us state's the one where I'm like, there's no way. They're going to win all their games.

Well, you know what the most hilarious outcome that keeps Ohio State out of the national championship is? They go undefeated and still several one-lost teams getting over them. Which is entirely... A 12-and-O. Baylor. Which is entirely plausible at this point. It's me like, yeah, sorry, Oregon and Alabama, they're in. You're not. Junked by 11 and 1, Louisville. Yeah.

the really I don't have a vote none of us have votes and that's probably a good thing but wouldn't you pull the trigger on that just because I'm not even saying this is a legitimate vote

before somebody hears this it goes I can't believe you'd say that to go to the Ohio State you know from your hoodie somewhere in an abandoned factory in the wilds of Ohio listening to the national and drinking some sort of horrendous beer. If you're asking me, would I put UCF in over Ohio State?

Yes, I would. Why not? But really, like, I'm not saying I'd do it for good reasons. I'd be doing it to piss you off. I'd be doing it because I like Charlie Strong and because you play in a terrible conference. And because Louisville plays in a worse one, but I don't care. The easiest one, by the way, we've agreed.

read that Baylor is, Baylor's got like, they have your standard horrible November where everyone plays everyone in the Big 12, i.e. Oklahoma, Texas Tech, Oklahoma State, TCU, I know that got the one. And then Texas to finish the season.

So you've got five horrendous games where if we were looking at any other Baylor team without looking at the numbers, we would assume they'd lose four out of those five. Yeah, pretty brilliant, Big 12 scheduling. They crammed everything at the end. It's like some W.W.E.

scheduling all the main events toward the end of the season unlike some certain other conferences where they spread all the big stuff out it all just hit you right at once I really think the Big 12 team should be able to make vicious cameos in each other's games like WWE matches

like Texas Tech's offense should just be able to run out of the field of Baylor, Texas oh God 22 on 11 Texas is overwhelmed When they finally handed the belt to Texas Isn't that more of like a crossover sweeps week move where you're like, oh my God, what is Magnum doing here? This is the real-life multi-ball. Multi-ball!

22 on 11, Cliff Kingsbury's offense running against Craig Robinson and the Baylor offense all at once. Greg Robinson's like, we got this guys. Iowa State comes running into absolutely no effect on the game. There's 22 men on one side of the field and they're losing yardage. It didn't make a difference. how does that happen so that can happen we do have one more undefeated by the way before we get to the games and that'd be Miami and I think you and I and all of Christendom alike pretty much agree that Miami could just lose at any time because of the way they play football such as five days four days depending on when this comes out from now yes exactly Florida State is next Virginia Tech they could lose that game I don't think you need to go on it would be kind of hilarious if they beat Florida State and then promptly lost Oh, I'm going to give you those last three, all of which would be the most horrendous way to possibly blow a national title slot. Are you ready?

There's three of them in a row, and they're all progressively worse. Duke, at Duke, Virginia. Oh, oh, I'm about to kick this pitch off. Oh, please hammer, don't hurt him. Pit. At pit on Friday, November 29th, a Miami team. playing in Pittsburgh on November 29th at Pitt in a game TBG that I hope they move to night, so it's like 10 degrees.

Oh, my rowdy friends in Pitt on Friday night. All seven of them. Surprise night football. Do you like Primonis? I think Virginia's the best one there because they could be on an interim coach by that point. Oh, nothing. Yeah, well, I mean, not like Virginia has anything to lose at this point. Like, oh, they got nothing to lose.

Maybe Ed Orderon just goes and coaches every. every team that needs an interim. Listen, that Virginia interim coach would be Tom O'Brien. Oh, they're dead. They're already dead. So don't get it twisted. Just that, like the Miami team that really doesn't even start playing for the third quarter versus Tom O'Brien's teams who stopped playing in the second quarter.

I hope Tom O'Brien has Don't Get It Twisted on his business card. I think he has a tattooed on his knuckles. An aerial. But it's just about extension cords. Keep it orderly. It's really a hassle. It just doesn't think of all. That's a fire hazard.

Don't do it. Scoring too many points is a fire hazard. Close that bitch down. Let's go to the coming week, which is not the greatest week. We've said that two weeks in a row, and I was pretty happy with last week. So I'm going to go ahead and downplay this because it exceeded my expectations. So I'm hoping that can happen two weeks in a row. this week we're hoping for upsets let's put it that way a lot of them and there aren't that many

available is the thing organ's off bam's off uh we've got we first of all we have by the way the biggest food blowout of the uh the weekend on wednesday tomorrow when we're recording this it'll be up tomorrow so it'll be tonight by the time we say it uh Cincinnati Memphis so that's skyline chili America's worst food for deadspin.com and influential sports sites and uh memphis which all they got is food yeah memphis is the unquestioned winner there if we're going food music anything cultural whatsoever Memphis in a slaughter I got to football uh probably Memphis too let's be honest yeah this is the game Memphis wins and Tommy Tuberville just has that look like he just

watched a Lars von Trier movie and he doesn't know how he feels but yeah I don't think that as appropriate. I don't know. I think the look on Tuberville's face after that one is it's still that same like cocky, 65-year-old motherfucker look, where it's like, I'm extremely rich and I'll be hired by Vanderbilt next year. Yeah, I'm going to be the Eagles coach in three years. I remind you, Cincinnati's already had one of those games this year.

Aw. Yeah, a couple more. Lost to South Florida. And they knock off school. That's already happened. So if I pick Memphis to win tomorrow night, it's not exactly unprecedented. Thursday night, oh boy, slew of games on Thursday night, and all of them are fairly mediocre. But you've got to pick one of these to watch out of any of them.

Arizona State, Washington State. Oh, yeah. Oh, just kicking at 10.30 on a Thursday. On Halloween. On Halloween. Mike Leach, High Graham, Halloween. This is Washington State. Two and three in the Pack 12, by the way.

When they get over that three, chunk of the moon is going to break off. Some sort of grand seismic activity is going to happen. Washington State went in three conference games. But, yeah, Todd Graham versus Mike Leach on what I'm sure, the Poulouse, by the way right now, the weather, Brian Floyd showed me today, the weather for Pullman. It was like a negative 2 degrees wind chill and 88% humidity. It's being like, it's going to rain old tennis balls. This is like being put inside a Zamboni. Okay, that's basically what you're going to be getting.

So, Arizona State's going to die, basically. They might win, but they'll lose people. Additionally, Friday night. Yeah, you ready for Friday night? God. It's not good. Fine, fine. Friday night.

USC at Oregon State. Yeah, it's going to be a 17-point game, like, total. USC is going to completely shut down Oregon State, and USC is going to completely shut down. down USC. That'll be on Watch Bowl. We have to watch it. It's been great.

I'm excited. Yeah. Gross. Gross. On Saturday, anything tickling your ivories, Ryan? Um, God. That is a really enthusiastic answer.

It's a big weekend. I want you to remember that in three months, you or starving children won't have football to complain about them. Okay. So you take Temple Rutgers. That doesn't mean I want to watch East Carolina FIU. Yes, it does. If you ask me that in March, I'll still say, no, I can wait.

Thank you, sir. You'll watch it on replay. I don't need the best part. If I was like, do you like to work or watch this on replay? Don't watch it on replay. You silly little rat just hitting the pedal in the cage over and over again, food pellet. I am interested in, I am interested in for all the wrong reasons, Wisconsin at Iowa at noon, because...

Grim. Like, things have... Aside from getting totally hosed in the Arizona State game, things have gone surprisingly well for Wisconsin, rather, this year, to the point where you're like, well, something bad has to happen, right? And losing at Iowa in a season that's otherwise going pretty well, that might be it. When I think about bad things happening to people, I think of Kirk Farrants in Iowa football.

I looked at somebody the other day, accused me of being bitter about the Outback Bowl against Iowa, to which I said, which one of the six ones that we played between 2002 and 2005 are you talking about? I mean, I'm bitter about the Outback Bowl as a concept, but... Yeah, but we played like seven, Florida played seven bowl games against Iowa. Hey, it's New Year's Day, and you're waking up in Tampa. Congratulations. So you're waking up before noon in Tampa. Your year is already terrible.

If you've gotten your year off to the worst Yeah, my way to start What kind of way? I resolve to wake up in Tampa. Great. That's how I started. At least it all gets better from there. Does it?

Well, maybe if you pick a different team to root for, I don't know. If you wake up, if you do it two years in a row, that's how you know you're living raw. You're in a rut. You're in a rut. Oh, God, I swore I didn't please by now. There is a Big Ten game that I think is. worth looking forward to. Maybe the most delectable Big Ten game

in a long time. Michigan at Michigan State, where Michigan State might set some sort of pick six's record. Like, Michigan State's defense might score like 42 points. I'm really excited about this game. As a

temporary Michigan State fan, this is going to be good. You've been riding the Sparty train all year long. The grinding slow you know that like this party train has the engine rigged backwards right right yeah that's how we like it like it's just a bunch of cars moving and then mark and tony at the back going it's just as fast in reverse you're like why is their gas going to the exhaust be quiet

you don't understand sorry you're not a doctor but isn't michigan michigan state that game where every year the team that thinks it has the advantage promptly loses well the thing about that is the team that thinks it has the advantage is usually Michigan. And Michigan's lost, I believe, for the last five. Yes, exactly. The little brother. They're not a rival. Yeah, we don't even know who they are.

We don't even, seriously, I don't even are they in our confluence. I don't know how to say the second part of their name. We just fly a skywriter over their campus once a month. State, what is that? Portuguese. I think that's Latin, which I took 17 years up.

The Sparfin's already even from Michigan 300 please as if I've seen movies with CGI in them yeah this is the best part this will happen opening quarter Devin Gardner is going to come out hot he's going to hit like

four passes in a row it's going to look awesome All of them did Jeremy Gallen Yeah gallon gallon gallon gallon he'll have 250 yards I'm fine with that And then it's a pick six that's it A little bit of hope there'll be this little like Yeah yeah yeah no Gallen just get picked, ripped out of Gallant's hands, returned 98 yards,

and then it's just going to be horrendous asphyxiation from that point on. So, yeah, as somebody who has taken a forced taste for Alabama football, I'm going to enjoy watching this, too. Yeah, just think of it as North Florida. Yeah, see, just watching the year old Florida football if it actually worked. Speaking of Oh God You

Nope Speaking of I'm going to go ahead and mute my microphone Now go ahead and Georgia This is going to be worse than last year A combined 21 players on scholarship Between the two teams Both teams still eligible for the SEC East title

I honestly don't want Florida to win the SEC East title I don't yeah if we're going to crash this plane I'd just put it all the way in, I mean, like, only the little tail light beacon peeking out of the cornfield. That's all I want. It's like having a really dumb kid who's taking the MCAT. You're like, please don't let him get a good score on accident. Are there cornfields in Jacksonville?

That's what they call it. Oh, okay. Yeah. I was thinking, you know, it's so sprawling that somewhere in there, like, in the middle of the city, there's probably a legit, like, countryside. Yeah, but there's a middle of. middle earth right in the middle of Jacksonville. My finger quotes can't go around corn hard enough.

I hear it. Okay. He means dead homeless people. They grow them everywhere. It's going to be a bumper crop this weekend. That's a horrible idea. And we're just talking about what's on the sidelines. In uniform.

Oh, four and three versus four and three, each three and two in conference. Don't watch this game. We have to. We know we're alive. Well, one thing I really like about this game is I'm looking at the SI schedule. And for some reason, they still have Florida ranked 22 and Georgia ranked 15. So this is looking like a really big game. That is actually how many people are out for the year.

Oh, man. Listen, in case you want comedy, listen to Gary Daniels and try to sell this turd. Listen to him, put this turd shrink wrap it like a public steak. put a big old price on it, $23. Well, at least they're not running a spread offense. These are two teams that play football the right way, the way you have to play in the SEC. Let's just, if we're really lucky,

this is the game that will finally strike him mute with terror and disgust. Like, this will be it. Gary Danielson will be viewed after this. We won't have to listen to him. Other games on the schedule, screw you, Kirk. Oh, we're done talking about that one?

We're fucking done. Yep. Other games on schedule, if you want to see Brett Beelma, get real mad. Gus Malz, I'm about to hang 70 on him. I hope he does it. I hope he scores at least two touchdowns with that swinging gate extra point play that Burt's so mad about. The one that disappeared from the game.

If you're listening, this was not on the tape that was sent over as part of the tape-sharing agreement, right, that both teams. apparently there was a little discrepancy that didn't have the swinging gate that Gus Malzahn likes to use all the time on the tape he sent to Arkansas. Auburn didn't include its extra point formation in the game film, but Arkansas is being out of shape about it.

You know that's just Burton's trying to prove that he watches film, right? I watch it. I didn't see that. I hope during the pre-game interview, Gus Malzahn gives Brett Beelma a vote of confidence. Because it reminds you, Gus Malz on,

Arkansas's own has coached in that stadium before as Arkansas's offensive coordinator for like five games before Houston just told them to sit down and write down plays he would use elsewhere and as Arkansas's own it's going to go in and destroy them.

Yeah. That's going to be fun to watch. Uncomfortable. It's going to be bad. It's going to be that good kind of Arkansas bad where we're all of a sudden breaking out FOIA requests. Arkansas hasn't won a games in September 14th.

That's forever. That was the hashtag karma game. Think about how many times you've been grocery shopping since then. Yeah, I've been sick twice. Like, yeah, like once. I know, like seriously. I mean, I think I've got new tires since then. That's a long time.

Other games of note, I would go ahead and point you to Tennessee, Missouri. If you want to see Missouri, really Missou out. they would lose this game that would be the funny oh god we would need to worry about anything Missouri if they blow this because oh my God they could actually blow this game

Oklahoma State Texas Tech which again defensive powerhouse Oklahoma State all of a sudden going up against you know the beautiful Cliff Kingsbury and an extremely fun Texas Tech team

Colorado UCLA if you like you know don't watch that game I can't even sell it and then our late shift it's pretty desperate on backcountry after Miami Florida State

at 8 you get Nevada Fresno State which that game will surely end in 8 overtimes with Fresno State pulling out something bullshit when at 6 a.m. Yep 6 a.m. 7 a.m. after 7.m. after 7.5.

Cicada delays A game we did overlook 8 and O Northern Illinois is playing at UMass Which UMass A team so bad That it lost to 0 and 8 Western Michigan And moved up in the F plus rankings After doing that

Row Unfathomably bad Ro Ro Ro DJ Ill Mix Well then play I'm different by two chains He doesn't believe in medicine. And then you will remove your garters. And I will don't this mask.

You will call me little daddy. And then the mask suicide. Yeah. Then we will fill the coolers with liniment. Then the comet will take us away. And then I will be hired by Illinois. And whoops. Sorry, y'all.

You don't drink that stuff. I'm already gone enough. I have a question for each of you. Okay. How many points would you have to receive to bet on Miami over Florida State? I don't need that many. Really? No.

The center's high on Miami here. The spread is what, 22 or so now? Two and a half. Okay. So would you take Miami against that spread? Yeah. Okay. I would.

Because they're just an ugly... They're us last year. Just the team where you're like, how is any of this happening and they they just keep doing it i think the thing is fs u knows it has to win by 30 points to impress anybody to move the needle at all and i don't know a single advantage that my money has over fs u other than this voodoo stuff we're talking about i mean not a single position on the field duke johnson that's it like if you want to know where it running back the ability to just lay on their defensive line i mean they have a big offensive line

That's, that's, you know, that's helpful, I guess. Listen, I've been watching Florida's offensive line. Jason, don't discount a functional offensive line. You're just, you're looking at an amputee going, just a leg. So, all right, so Stephen Morris throws 15 passes in this game. This is Miami. Can Miami cover the spread? Yeah, sure.

All right, 25 passes. No. Okay. Well, take about Stephen Morris. People think of Stephen Morris as if he's like Jacori Harris Jr or something, but he's actually pretty good. I mean, he's got the same arm as Jacori Harris, but he's a whole lot smarter. You know, he's a good quarterback. Granted, he just threw five picks or whatever to UNC, and Florida State's defense is about 10 times better than UNC.

But still, other than that, he's a pretty good quarterback. I don't think he'll have a good game at Florida State, but... He throws a beautiful deep play action ball, and that's really all they need. they need that and they're going to need a whole lot more than that no no they need like they need like two like they need to hit two shots maybe three downfield and then dude johns they need to just run duke johnson to death that's it that's i'm telling you i'll tell you how it can happen i'm not saying it's going okay actually i'll tell you what uh those two words right there a cc refs i'm more sold on that than anything else that's said here because now we're talking

X factors. Oh man, can we see if Ron Cherry's calling this game? Oh, God. You ever see a converted field goal turned into a fumble recovery? You will. Somebody wins this game, too. Oh, yeah, because, oh, my gosh, that would be for

because if the man, Ron Cherry, we're calling this game, like, seriously, does Vegas know that? Like, if we just tweeted out, hey, Ron Cherry's calling this game, they'll be like, it's taken off the board. The line boat. with triples and is slashed in half. All bets are canceled.

Vegas is closed. Closing the casino. Nevada, Marshall Law. Oh, my God. What have we done? Let the tigers, let the lions out of the MGM Grand. They are our masters now. They've been out for months.

UNLV is now undefeated. How the hell did that happen? Yeah, if that were the case, that I think that is probably the most convincing case. But like I said, I'm not making this pick particularly rationally to cover. I think this is just the irrational. I believe in two things here. I believe in Duke Johnson.

And I believe in Al Golden's weird shirts. Who knows what kind of secret trinkets and enchantments he's got under there? He could have all of them. He's got like 18 Saints' thumbs stored in that shirt. Oh my gosh, you've got the shrunken foot of Joe Paterno. The entire strata two ran under there. Is that a Miami Vice Season 1 DVD? Yes.

And it was bled on by Charlie Shane. Who hasn't been?