Shutdown Fullcast - Shutdown Fullcast 8.01: Let's Dominate the Offseason Like Our Name Was Jim Harbaugh

Episode Date: January 23, 2018

At last, with messy, time-consuming games out of the way, we can get into what college football is all about: The offseason. The most important time of the year deserves its own preview. Coach says that failing to prepare is preparing to fail, and we couldn't agree more. You can't just jump into twenty page comment section arguments about transfer requirements. You can't just expect to start a fierce twitter thread about whether a fourth-place finish in the Big Ten East is actually better than winning it outright. You know who wins a recruiting argument? Certainly not the person who doesn't even know about composite rankings, that's who. No, no, you gotta ease into that, you gotta prepare, and you gotta have a plan. It's a long ride, but we brought snacks and GPS, baby. Pee out the window, though. The bathrooms along this stretch are an abomination. DISCUSSED: --Jason and Spencer only, as Ryan's important work in the federal government was shutdown and thus so was Ryan --Opening discussion of cities that should have mascots and powerful food court vape wars --Why Philadelphia might be the most SEC city in America --Where Michigan will go this offseason, or "glory is forever, and malaria is treatable" --HERM EDWARDS IS GOING TO BE A DELIGHT EVEN IF HE DOESN'T KNOW HIS TEAM'S NAME. MAYBE ESPECIALLY BECAUSE HE DOESN'T KNOW HIS TEAM'S NAME. --How Josh Heupel might crumble under the pressure of defending UCF's national title --Switching NFL coaches with college coaches goes very, very sideways --Why football players should be allowed to study abroad at other programs --Let's just preseat both the Hot Seat, the Lukewarm Seat, and the Cold Seat Ready To Burst Into Flame At Any Second --Bobby Petrino reviewed! (It's not good, and sounds like a mink caught in a trap) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown full cast. We're the shutdown due cast tonight because it's just me and Jason, so this is your Southern Hospitality edition. We're the shutdown two-thirds cast, and yes, I realize every not there making the government shutdown joke that the government shut down and the podcast was shut down and its name is not at full strength. That's because Ryan works for the federal government. We can't tell you which department.

He's way high up. He's the president. Yep, it's Ryan in a costume. You thought the onion suit was the beginning of his orange, rubbery, greasy, costuming for the year? No, he's got a few of those. Just final form in it. That's what he's doing.

just evolving. A radioactive bloomin onion bit him in Tampa. Don't act like that wouldn't happen in Tampa. That's a Tampa Pokemon. Ryan's like the second-tier evolution. There is an even bigger one. Yeah, that's it.

We just say the mega. We just have to get him super full of salt and saturated fats. That one's the booming onion. The dooming onion. That completely could happen in Tampa. If Tampa had a Pokemon, you know, it would be like the, I don't know. The fraud, quita. The fraud quita.

But it's an onion. Yeah. No, it's definitely an onion. Right. That's it. I really want, you know, Japanese cities all have like a mascot for their town, right? like kumaman if you've seen like there's a famous gift of kumon you know at a place where somebody's sauteing and and they throw up you know something in a walk and they throw it up and it's fire and the kumon flaps his hands and panic like that's kumamon he's he's one of the official mascots for um i forget exactly which japanese city but um we need mascots for cities in the united states and they need to be like oh i'm sorry it's it's not for a city but it's not for a city but i'm sorry it's not for a city but city. It's for the

government of Kumamoto Prefecture, which take you back to Iron Chef. Ah, Kumamoto Prefecture. Many happy weekends in my youth did I spend there among its richest crop the golden pepper.

So this is not like a city using its local sports teams its mascot. This is the city itself of having a mascot. Right. Atlanta, of course, is ahead of the curve here because in the 90s, we had a, it was a drop of water that looked like an alien person. Its name was Izzy, and it was our Olympic mascot, so we can bring Izzy back, and we are good to go.

Nope, nope. Izzy got loose in the sewers. It's over. Izzy is down there. Izzy can find his or her way out. Stick your, if you want to find Izzy, stick your head down a drain and go, hey! hey wherever two or three are gathered in traffic Izzy is there with them but yeah we need like Tampa needs one

it would have a cigarette no no it would no it would be a cigarette and it would be a cigarette that was vaping it would be like from the Dunesbury comic the talking cigarette yeah but vaping talking

vape baton what do they call those things Vapstick? I'm going to go with vape stick because it makes me laugh. I don't know. The vape object, you know, y'all are laughing at me.

Like I'm supposed to know what vape objects are. A vaping sceptor. That's the next level. If we can cross the Byswords and the mall crowd with vaping crowd and get like a massive Gimley type club that you can vape out of.

And then they battle in the food court casting smoke spells at each other. And they have to send a party into the smoke cloud to rescue their fallen member who can't see because he got vape smoke in his eyes. Yeah, they triggered, he triggered the smoke alarm at the, uh, at the Asian chow. Oh, the dungeon master has released an event. It's mall cops. Big this sick vape. That's it. That's it. I'm really, I would be all for a Lord of the Rings remake that was strictly based around vaping where Gandalf was like the king of the vape.

Oh yeah, he could, he'll loose a big formidable cloud. And then White Shores. This is a college football podcast, by the way, which is why we just opened with discussion of all of the things because it's the offseason. I don't know if you notice, but it's coming up on the end of January. We're rounding out, past your East West Shrine games,

past the national title game, which was good. I will adamantly maintain for the rest of the off season, at least, that it was a good game with a good... Spencer loved that Bama win. I did. I did. You know why? They won on 4VIRT. You know how mad that made them?

Oh, yeah. They had to sell their soul to do that. Exactly. What's the opposite of a soul? A soul? They had to buy a soul to do that. That's what they had to do. I am a real boy with human desires and an affection for that most human of plays for avert. And then the soul got derecruited.

You know, when you bring in the five-star and then you tell him he ain't shit, de-recruiting process. They gray-shirted that soul. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what a side piece is? That's you, but as a recruit. You know, you're feeling that? Is that you, you're aware of what we're doing? You're in Tuscaloosa purgatory.

It's in Mississippi. My mom was in Tuscaloosa the other day, and I got this via text message. This is your Alabama News. Alabama News! That's a segment. I just made it up. No, we do this all the time. This is sponsored.

Sponsored. Alabama News, sponsored by. Hoover Tactical Firearms. Are you ready? I'm not making up, only making up one part of that. That's that they would sponsor us. This. This is seen at Texas

Roadhouse in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. Next text message, three minutes later. Server filling baby bottle with sweet tea. Oh, man. Wow. Yeah, that checks out.

Can you put it right in here? Calling child services. Bill up a IV. Just put it right in there in the Texas Roadhouse. That's Tuscaloosa also. In case you wonder how Alabama is celebrating their national title, the answer is juvenile diabetes. Yeah, it's got them this far, so stick with, ride the ATV that brung you.

That's what I always said. Victory's a little too sweet. That's like the, if you walk around any, mall in the south, you'll find somewhere there'll be like memorabilia that's like, we like R.T. suite. Like, Yankees can't handle it, you know? It's like

you're walking around a fucking farmers only.com commercial. If you're in any, like, gift shop in the mall or whatever. Yeah, like a half dead mall. It helps if it's like two-thirds to half-dead. Well, that goes without saying it's a mall. But yeah, you got to have the like,

hey, we like our T-suite, which would be the equivalent of somebody in like, I don't know, like Philadelphia being like, yeah, we eat like five slices of cake a day. Can you handle it? Maybe you can't. Maybe you can't, bitch. I eat like nine candy bars like every day. It's my cultural heritage.

Stop erasing my culture. Stop erasing white culture. I'm sorry, it's Philly, so I have to do the Bucks County, you know. Oh, yeah, you know, I'm a real store in the cake-eaten community. You know, just a super store. That's me. I eat like nine slices of cake a day. My nutrition is very poor.

I do like how all of America is stuck aligning itself with Philly for the next two weeks. That's pretty good. Like, I mean, you are a vocal appreciator of Philly, and I'm cool. I would say among, like, the 25 biggest cities in America or whatever, I'd have it up there. Like, the open embracing of garbage living is unparalleled in cities of that size. When one of the biggest cultural events there is the wing bowl. And when somebody asks about the wing bowl, they're like, oh, yeah, is it like funny or cool? They're like, no, it's disgusting.

It's terrible, and the people there are terrible. They're like, oh, what about an Eagles game? It's great. Yeah, yeah, you know, they're horrible. They throw beers at people. Like, you know, spilling them? No, like in the cans without opening them. Which I saw footage of yesterday.

This is not one of those things, because there are some stories Philly fans will tell you, like, oh yeah, back in the vet in 82, my dad and, you know, his buddy from the union beat a dude to death with a baseball bat because they were talking shit about Ron Jaworski. No, like, I know. It's not that anymore. But yeah, yesterday. just people throwing beers. Somebody took a monster truck up to like Rocky steps.

Dude. Oh, wow. Damn. Respect. Yeah, no. That's when my hat came off, sir. And over this heart. Because they went gravedigger on them steps,

which is, you know, symbolic of Philly's comeback from Irvin Blight in the 70s. Rocky running up in a crappy sweatsuit alone pre-dawn. 2017. An Eagles fan. What appeared to be something between a doom buggy and a monster truck, the video is very dark, but the noise, it's distinctive and definite and unmistakable. Up the steps.

Like earlier Vikings fans did their little skull chant. Just got up there and, you know, oh boy, we're so powerful and mighty. In the dark later, an Eagles fan said, fuck that shit. Watch this majesty. That's SEC as hell, y'all. Yeah, to be quite frank, it is. In fact, actually, I don't know if anybody's actually taking a monster truck to a major symbolic monument at a university out of celebratory glee.

So, cheers. You're a step ahead, Philadelphia. Well done. Yeah, wow. Damn. That's our new capital, if you ask me. No. They just want.

Also, it's fun because people in Boston will go, you know, it's little. It's smaller than you know. But like, you know, it's a really high quality of life and there's a lot of really good stuff. And you go up there and you'd probably be like, eh, eh. Philly, they're like, what's good about Philly? And they're like, nothing. It sucks. That's great.

Yeah, they set your expectations as low as possible. And then you see like, like the viral video of someone sprinting into a pole while chasing after a subway train. And now that city has already exceeded all of your expectations. It's genius. All of them.

Also, Philly fans are just really funny. Like, Treblah, who is one of my favorite follows on Twitter, period. Well, just tweet out a picture of like a crappy 1989, like an Encarta-grade Philadelphia Eagles helmet, right? Like an almost 16-bit-looking helmet. And, like, the caption will be like, hey, guys, thinking about this. Like, just the crappiest tweets. Just garbage. Complete garbage.

It's majestic. Like, the funniest, like, the funniest Penn State fans and Eagles fans, there's, like, a one-for-one overlay there. It's a great. It's great. And also, they're way, way funnier than Patriots fans could ever be. So go Eagles if there's an NFL concern here Because one, they openly embrace crap living Two, they have Derek Barnett

Which I love and will ride for Derek Barnett to the grave Because he has no apparent skills or speed And yet somehow manages to do nothing but damage everyone he plays against Also they have Nick Foles who threw for 75,000 yards in college while winning, I believe it was six games. Six games, yeah. As the solid verbal cataloged. And has become like, like he blew up under Chip Kelly.

He had one of the best seasons in football history. And then disappeared, played for like four teams. And now look who's back as Nick Foles back again, leading the Super Bowl run. Yeah, they got Jay J.J.J.J. J. J. J. J. Pickle Jee. Who. Yeah, when most people would be seen, you know, drinking distilled pickle juice. from some sort of secondary container. No, at Boise State, J.J.I was fond of being shown on the sideline

drinking out of the Costco-sized pickle, like, brine, just sucking it down on the sidelines. So there's a lot of graduates, a lot of college football graduates in there, who we're very fond of. Additionally, if Philly wins the Super Bowl, it will be the most depraved behavior. Not like, oh, boy, we stayed up till three. And, you know, I'm like, I don't know, I got three. in the drunk tank that was kind of funny no no no no no and not like and not like we took off our shirts we you know not like normal depraved behavior not even like we tipped over a car

it's just going to be weird shit no weird shit there's going to be somebody out there who's like I pulled all the skin off my face I'm so excited sitting there talking just like muscle moving you're like oh that's gonna you need some grass for that buddy go eagles yeah go eagles we're eating Todd's face. Yeah, it's so good, dude. Todd loves it. He's such a good guy. He's like to see his face.

Good fucking guy. He loves the Eagles. He's a great guy. Oh, yeah, Philly. It's basically like, it's basically like if, it's basically like if squid billies, you know, we're like a northeastern city. And I mean that as the highest, like, form of compliment I can give. So, well done.

Again, monster truck on the rocky steps. ahead of everything, man. That's next level. And that was our football discussion for the day. Yeah, that's good. I'm going to stretch. We said about five words of football in there. And the funny part of this podcast, once we transitioned from in the season to off season,

you sort of look back and like, well, damn, we made it through the whole season by talking about football for about half an hour, all combined. And now we don't even have to do that. Yeah, I would do this. I would encourage you to think of the off-season like the season. There are people who are going to dominate this. There are teams who are going to rise and fall, and there are teams that, you know, they're going to prevail.

There are people who will matter more than others. It's necessary to think of it as a year-round sport that just happens to have, I don't know, A week or two of breaks here or there, right? For instance, now we're in recruiting. Recruiting is going to go straight into, let's see, workouts and let's see, spring football. Spring football is going to go right into vacation. When all coaches mate, right? It's a very exciting time of year.

They get rambunctious. Their antlers grow, you know, extra big. That is when all coaches fuck each other and have graduate assistant children. they do they do thus the nepotism problem everybody in college football related see boom

it's how it works then you go into like you know summer practice and you know or fall practice summer workouts and then you know we're inconvenienced with actual football

this is to say I think you need to preview the off season a lot like you think of the regular season yeah like this time of year you see a lot of like way too early 2018 you know odds and rankings and all that stuff like hold hold hold hold on there hold on there

there's there's good meat left on that off-season bone we we need a we need a way too early off-season rankings I mean we're going to be spending what eight months with this thing let's let's let's not let's not fast forward pat I mean think of all the tales of off-season legend we would have missed if we'd gone and done that I mean would Jim Harbaugh have the same luster that he has? I mean, there's your pre-season, your, your off-season number one, entering the off-season every year is Jim Harbaugh. Yeah, dominant. Like, maybe the most dominant off-season coach since Mac Brown?

Maybe Les Miles? Less Miles is a great one. Less Miles is in all-time. Now, I mean, in the positive sense, I will say, Bobby Petrino, he got a number of number one but at what cost actually not much he just got his old job back yeah he ran up he ran up a high point total in that one he did he did but you know that's you know i would say bobby petrino is the urban mire like what urban mire is to in season bobby petrino said the off season that he's going to score a lot of points he's going to win a championship the aftermath buddy the aftermath

's going to be uh it's not going to be what you think it's going to be right yeah yeah hey man he makes moves he gets the job done he just listen just put him on that bike he'll remember how to ride it for a while do you want to win the offseason or do you not hey let me put up so I mean obviously

hardball it's got to be number one he's got a fourth place finish in the in the division to distract people from it's true didn't finish third again granted it was going to be a rebuilding all year all along blah blah blah still yet to really

accomplish anything other than winning a bunch of regular season games in Michigan I think still doing a pretty good job but it's not cool to say that so he's gonna act up this offseason

we all know that he's gonna take the team to Mars or what have you Matt Damon can do it Jim Harbaugh can do it what are the cities that wouldn't work

right like because this is going to happen right Rome and Harbaugh's just going to get a wild one up his ass and go you know what we need to reach out to the biggest population's possible why don't we go to why don't we go to Delhi let's go to Delhi come on boys let's go we're going to be jet lagged for the next two months hey jet lag's in the mind glory is forever and malaria can be treated jet lag is just changing tempo during an offensive drive. That's all. Boys, the old blacks do this all the time. Surely

Michigan football would be the same. I think I like Herm Edwards for the off-season rankings. High up there. He kicked the fucking door down on the way in. Then he apologized

and kicked in the correct door. I don't even think we've addressed this detail of this on here and his opening presser when someone said identified their outlet devil digest or whatever did you see this?

Oh, when he said devil digest it goes to devil no no no devil's around here yeah yeah yeah I'm a Christian man that's amazing that's fucking awesome that you

this guy is an off-season master that Herm walked in Clearly misunderstood why it was called Devil Digest in the first place because he was that new to the job and continued to sail forward with no interruption and enthusiasm, delivery, or commitment to answering whatever the question might be. Maximum confidence, no matter what has just come out of your mouth seconds prior, that is the off-season mindset. That's what's going to get us through to August. You know, when the opportunity is there to, you know, when the SID or whoever comes to you and says, hey, coach, we want to, we want to have a drone follow you as you jump off a gas station. I'll jump off a gas station to get this five-star punter.

Yeah, kids will love it. It's called gas stationing. Kids love it. Now, there's also, I will give another. person who I think has shown to be the king of the offseason during the end season and could possibly give, I'm not saying a top five performance, but definitely top tier performance. Lane Kiffin, Lane Kiffin at FAU, man.

Already making, already making waves because if you'll remember, there was actual news this past week. Lane Kiffin made a hire at Offensive Coordinator. he hired Charlie Weiss. Who's 24? Yeah, Charlie Wes Jr. We should be sure he's 24. The 24-year-old Charlie Weiss, who is younger than Case Keenum was as a sophomore, I believe.

Yep, Case Keenum was 29 when he graduated, I believe. He went through some stuff, man. He was there a while. I mean, I feel like with Lane, it's like there's not even an off-season or an end-season. It's like the eternal offseason of the spotless mind is how it's what the movie's called. We just wipe his memories. Life is an offseason. That and that and, you know, there's no telling.

We have spring practice. We have commercials. We could do another Tim and Eric style Lane Kiffin commercial, right? Because kids love that. Yeah, it worked, didn't it? It worked. Hey, we're talking about it right now. Hey, that's a fick.

We're talking about it fucking eight months later. Let's bang for your buck. I'm like, man, he looked sweaty and fat. And he's like, ha, ha, I got you. I got him. I got pretty bloated. This lost salt.

So much salt. I hate cotton, nothing but cotton candy for ten straight days. It works. I'm going to short several people in the off-season stakes. I'm going to short Tennessee because Tennessee made one of the most I mean, I didn't say bad hire, just a lumpy, boring hire, just a lumpy. I think Tennessee, the thing with them is they just already blew their offseason load

for like the next five off seasons all at once already. I mean, if we started the offseason after the title game, like, what more is there to say or do? Well, you would hope not, right? Like, you'd just be like, yeah, listen, if you guys, if you guys are. or even thinking about having any real kind of events. Just reconsider. You don't need any more events. You're full.

You took all your events. You're booked. I mean, Jeremy Prud, like, you know, he's got a hell of an accent. I don't know if he's funny, but, you know, if he gets around a mic, who knows what the fuck he might say or how it might be interpreted. So it's coming out of a dude that looks like a big sacramash. potatoes, right? I mean, he's just one of those people that looks like a big

old sack of mashed potatoes. So, I'm just going to say, you get real excited for taters? Hey, oh, that's what I'm going to end up calling him, isn't it? Jeremy Pruitt's Tater. Mr. Taters. He's just Mr. Taters. Here it comes, Mr. Taters.

Coach Mr. Taters. He's just one of those guys that, like, he's gradually going to morph into his boss, right? He's like, uh, he's like a Mike Tice. Right, just a big old lump of a man Like a Paul Christ Yeah, just what is he Big old sack of man right there

That's just a duffel bag with eyes Let's see So the off-season short list Obviously Wisconsin We'll never We just Wisconsin, you only need to know about Wisconsin football For 15 days out of the entire year

year. For the other 350, all it does is just gestate. If there's a game going on, Wisconsin's probably going to win. Otherwise, no news whatsoever emanates from the state of Wisconsin. They got that shit on lockdown. So Wisconsin last in the offseason rankings every single year, and that's the way they like it. USC, we're just short them. We're not going to hear anything out of them. And also, everyone's going to forget who Clay Helton is. There was a slight rise in Clay Helton Awareness. You know, maybe second week of November, first week

of November, people began to gradually remember that Clay Helton was the name of the guy who coaches the USC Trojans. That's falling off the map with the holidays and with the new year. He's going to have to start all over again on brand recognition. So

nothing's going to happen at USC. Nothing. Poof. Off the map. I'll tell you who it is. high is UCF I mean they've already declared themselves

champs of one thing so maybe they're going to come for another I say this not disparagingly make believe title all titles are make believe you know you replace Scott Frost

not a ton of personality but he dropped a couple zingers on the way I don't I don't know if we know Josh Hypo what his mic game is like but not real I'm not real strong Jason. I mean, I'm guessing he's not exactly stone cold, but

if you ever want to be a coach who talk shit, UCF is a good place to be right now to do it. Zero cost and also administration's going to be full on behind you. Whatever you want to say. If you want to start every single press conference with, you listen up, Bobby the Brain Heenan, they'll do it. So like UCF, they already had what like 130,000 fucking students or whatever after their um after their undefeated season do they have like a quarter million students on campus right now yes yes they actually are the eighth largest city in florida by size and by population they're fourth so they basically ate Orlando they're just like they got

those those numbers would mean they got all the skinny people yeah they're like visigoths man they just uh slowly pillaging one neighborhood at a time yeah let's and we're going to need all of your USB cables. We just got a lot of charging to do. So much cell phone charging. Why? I have to look at highlights of our national title winning season. I want this.

I want somebody in Orlando. I don't know. Maybe a newspaper columnist, talk show person, talk radio person, to put pressure on Josh Heifle to defend the title. That's... And if he doesn't his ass is out. He failed to uphold the championship standard here at Central Florida. We got a standard here in Orlando.

God damn it. We hadn't lost in years. It's not the university. You know what? Winning is at the core of every program. One might say it's central. A part of the very name of this August university, the University of Central Florida, as in the University of Winning, Florida.

Look around you, consumer. You have 13 and over. and lost in the sugar bowl, the only UCF around you is you can't finish. You, piece of shit. Bag that take. It's fresh and it's hot.

By the time it gets to the store, you won't get it. You've got to get it directly from, you've got to get it straight from the source. Jason Kirk, UCF football expert. Yeah, this is what happened. Well, let's see. Georgia should be high on your off-season rankings

because of that big fancy croutin class they got coming in. Georgia, it looks like either Georgia or Ohio State will have the number one class. Georgia has gotten most of the headlines so far, so if Ohio State were to swing in and claim the number one spot at the end, they'd probably do the college football thing

and both claim it. Sure, that's fine. That's fine. I'm going to take a slight, I'm going to take a flyer on Alabama. You know why? There's going to be one interesting moment at Alabama. and it's when Nick Saban

like that name comes up in one last NFL discussion I did not say that this was a logical discussion nor did I say this Jason quote me I did not I did not say this I didn't say that the reason Nick Sabin gave access

to an interview for an excellent piece by Jenny Vrentas on s.com comparing and contrasting the long friendship between Nick Saban and Bill Belichick and pointedly mentioning how Bill Belichick doesn't want to face him again. There's no way that that got in there because Nick Saban is testing the waters for one last push for an NFL job.

Nope, nope. Not why Belichick mentioned how Grady was, despite the somewhat deceptive record of Miami. Also, you know, definitely a coincidence mentioning that Tom Brady had one of his worst performances and his last, like, shutout against a Nick Saban defense. Nope, nope, not what the mouthpiece of access journalism

itself, Sports Illustrated, the most comfortably situated to the kingmakers in professional sports. No, no, no, that's not why they did that piece at all. Definitely wasn't, you know, coordinated with agents on board because powerful men don't work through those. No. So after Belichick goes back to the Browns,

unfinished business, Remember, he is, this is a true fact. He is the greatest coach in the last, what, 30 years of the Browns. He got him in the playoffs. He did. He won games at the Browns. So after he goes there to show that, like, I can win anywhere. I can literally win in Cleveland.

That Pat's job is open, saving to the Pats. That's majestic. I was thinking the Giants. I don't think they're actually going to hire. I don't think he's going anywhere, but I'm just saying definitely don't plant that paranoid seed in your head, right? That a major media piece contrasting and comparing the two specifically mentioning how hard it was to face him as an NFL coach definitely, definitely has nothing to do with larger ambitions by people working with a major media operation that definitely didn't get that cleared through. agents and power brokers. Nope. Nope. Just a funny, speculative piece. That's all that was. So if you were to trade Sabin to an NFL team and Bama gets that NFL team's head coach,

who would you go? I kind of want Andy Reid Alabama head coach. They hate him. They hate him so much. First of all, he's got facial hair. I'm trustworthy. We're going to do a lot of adventurous stuff on offense, but we're going to use well you know what Alex Smith and Jalen Hertz those two gentlemen play a similar style of football so that actually I might be talking myself into this

no no no you're talking yourself into it and I respect that but it's not the funniest answer okay because if you want somebody who was going to make them furious I have a couple of suggestions the first is Carolina

Ron Rivera Does Ron Rivera not have a name? Only if he re-hires Mike Shula. Man, re-hire Mike Shula as coordinator. Does he not have a name that's just born to be fired after three years at Alabama? Ron Rivera. Yeah, that didn't last. The Rivera era.

Oh, man. Bama fans diluting themselves buying into him. Hey, listen, do you get us some chips because he's Riverboat Ron? I have another one that would be infuriating for Alabama fans which is why I would definitely want it to happen the Seattle Seahawks Yeah that's a good one

Because Pete Carroll would win But man they'd hate him Boy would they hate Pete Carroll so much Finally a dynastic head coach in here coach who's going to win multiple multiple titles finally why didn't you run the ball a fourth one always run the ball no matter of the down always fit that run it so what if bama goes and gets john harball as much as they despise jim go get john oh my god they'll go get john no he's the good hardball oh wait i got it saving to the raiders john gruden bama head coach now everyone's pissed off absolutely nobody is happy oh my god yeah that'd be that'd be bad that'd be super super bad i do kind of i would love the i would love people talking themselves into thinking marvin lewis they'd be

like oh man marv he's he's definitely got a pulse that's a coach you can stand there with a headset and pretend he's alive. Well done. He's got gravitas. Gravitos is what you say about a coach when that coach might have died six minutes ago. I thought they fired him. Did they?

No, I think they still had Marvin Lewis, man. I think everybody was like, yeah, why wouldn't you fire Marvin Lewis? He's basically just a placeholder. And nope, nope. I mean, it's fine, because, like, what are you going to do? Hire someone who's going to win games with the Bengals? Come on.

Man, do you want to know how long he's been there? It says 2003. Marvin Lewis is only 59. Oh, he's got 20 years to go. Yeah, he's got 20 years to go. He could be there next Paul Brown. He'll be there until he's 97. It takes Brown's job.

let's get jason garrett to alabama oh he hey he went to princeton that's a that's that's that's that's that's that's the bama of the ivy league they they got almost as many titles as we do um that and that and i really think that if you could get anyone i don't know mike tomlin there's there surely wouldn't be a problem with Mike Tomlin. Yeah, the coach who, for some reason, I can't quite put my finger on it, the second winningest active head coach in football, they always want to fire the guy. I don't, it's weird, I can't figure out why. That and another thing that I think is going to dominate the offseason, which I'm a fan of. You know, there's always like, there's always a central issue.

when it comes to dominate the offseason everybody, you know, sort of hop on it, choose on it, right? It's usually something that everybody forgets about, right? Like, I don't know. Should we let them have 50 more dollars? That'll surely fix everything. Yeah, it's always some, either some

procedural NCAA crap, you know, like, can you have camps? Can you have a recruit camp on a barge or not? Well, we here in this conference are very pissed off about the barge camps. And these folks in this other conference think you're depriving the student athletes of barge experiences. You either got that or you've got conference realignment talk, which nobody's moving anytime soon.

Like, yes, you know, certain mid-majures you think you're entitled to the Big 12 and all that. And yes, Big 12, you think you're going to exist for more than 10 years. You're all wrong. You're all wrong. But we're still going to argue about it. What do you got for the issue of this offseason? See, I'm thinking it's going to be transfers, right? Yeah, probably, yeah.

Yeah, that's it. Well, everybody will be really excited about, you know, hey, you can play for three different schools. You could, you know, there's a way you could do that. Which actually I do kind of get excited about because I'm like, well, why wouldn't you do that? It's like semester at sea, but for football, right? Everybody else gets to do this, right?

Oh, well, I took a summer at the Sorbonne, And that was fun. And then, you know, I got a certificate working through the Extension School for, you know, Narita University in, you know, Japan. And then I got my degree in a certificate. Like, I really like this. I think everybody should be able to move around, right? Like, oh, okay, like an engineer.

You go, okay, well, I had a fifth year practicum in Alabama where I learned administration. That's what we really need to do to denigrate Alabama is to be like, well, why don't you go get your degree in football? administration there. Get your certificate in it. You can get your undergrad at like Florida or whatever. Go get your degree of football administration. Get your degree in playing football. Yeah, go get that, you know. What did you do? Well, I had like a, I had like an offensive practicum at West Virginia, you know, under Professor Holgerson. That was good. And then, you know, to be honest, I went out to Arizona State

ostensibly for some football stuff, but I've got to be real honest. It was just a good time. It's just an internship. I'm glad I considered it. Yeah, so the proposal right now is apparently someone has had the good idea

to allow players one freebie transfer without having to sit out for a year, which sure, yeah, great. Either let them make money or let them do whatever they want. So sure, do it um and so what we're going to hear the entire offseason is people yelling about it's going to ruin the sport and we're going to have um players changing teams as if we don't already

yeah um and we're going to have you know oh they're going to go to where they can play and see the field which i don't know apparently apparently it's preferable to leave players just um um you know thrown in a cellar somewhere where they can't see the light of the field i don't i don't see what's good about that um and then on top of that you would have the graduate transfer so you know you could go play as a freshman side it's not for you transfer somewhere else graduate and then transfer somewhere else all without missing a single season i love this because it opens up new recruiting like potential and possibilities that it was here to four unseen right in-game recruiting right yeah where it's like in the fourth quarter you tackle that guy and somebody's like hey buddy

Why don't you come play with us? Hey, buddy. Next year, you can be wearing this uniform that I'm wearing. Imagine that. Wouldn't that be great? Wouldn't that be awesome? That's pretty good. You could be getting these carries in the first quarter because I've got to tell you what, our guy sucks.

He's awful. They point to the bench. I do. Terrible. He knows it. He knows it. Yeah, he knows it. Yeah, I'm not going anywhere.

Thought it was a five-star. Sorry. Um, I also predict that, uh, I also predict that as always there will be, uh, there'll be one coach who implodes, just implodes. Always happens. There's a school that loses a coach in the off season, um, either because they're looking for a reason. And that happens. And that's popular these days. Oh, yeah. If, if your coach is on the hot seat, guess what? They're finding something on you. Yeah. We also get to decide who's on the hot seat going into the season, often based on just, um, kind of illusory expectations about where we sort of want a program to be right not that i'm sub-tweeting jim harbaugh and people who sort of thought they should actually do things this year when everybody thought it was a rebuilding year no uh definitely not them but we we decide that right like this is when we go oh i don't know you think this is when bama made a mistake by putting mike locksley an offensive coordinator first of all when is alabama ever needed an offense when they needed it

With the fourth quarter and two it, yeah, they had to throw a deep ball. Like, there's, there's the, there's the pressure you were under. What'd you do? I don't know, had a guy make up some stuff and threw one deep ball. Yeah, you can do that because you had DeRon Payne. DeRon Payne turning into Thanos every other snap. I'm going to enjoy this. So your hot seat for next year.

Hmm. So, let's see. Kansas still has that guy. Yeah. I don't need to tell you his name. No one really needs to know it. He's still there. That'd be David Beatty.

But yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like I don't know if that's... You'd have to have heat first. And Kansas football is so obviously already undergone some kind of heat death that it's not really... I don't think it applies, right? Yeah, I'm not. It's not the kind of thing where I'm like, damn it, they're wasting opportunities.

No, they're not. No, they're just, um... Let me give you a clue as to how to put these together, okay? It's this. Who lost their bowl game? That's it. That's... On the, like, is it beyond year one?

And did they lose their bowl game? It's the saddest, easiest, cheapest thing in the world, and it is completely true. But if you lost your bowl game, people are like, I don't know, that guy's on the hot seat. Which is funny, because I know, like, Paul Johnson would probably always come up on the hot seat, and I'm like, can't have a hot seat if there's no nerves in your ass. Can't have a hot seat if you don't make a bowl under this theory. It's the perfect way to do it, go five and seven every year. So under this theory, hey, Gus Malzahn.

Oh, absolutely. That one I think is actually completely legitimate, because at Auburn, you're on the hot seat pretty much every other week. And Gus has really leaned into that. Yeah, either they are, when you're the Auburn head coach, there is a statue of you that will not be built all at once. They'll build it a little at a time when they like you, and they'll spend the rest of the time trying to fire you.

Or they'll spend the rest of the time tearing the statue down. So if you look over and you see just nothing on that pedestal, you're gone. Yep. Let's see. Ed Ogeron. There you go. you can always count on the SEC West at Ogeron because

because that didn't go well in the bowl game and in addition to that lost an offensive coordinator not that people were like absolutely like super excited about Matt Canada but it should be said a little weird when you don't get along to the point

with your guy after one year that he takes it elsewhere also LSU losing its standard load of NFL draft early entries which I guess not a huge worry because it happens every year but still sort of keeps the ceiling on things

not that it really needs to because bam is there anyway so there's your ceiling but I think a lot of people are talking about Larry Fedora at UNC as being on this list which sure fine whatever I mean yeah I mean are you

when are you on the hot seat right like at north carolina like that's yeah i don't know i like that's that's my answer i don't know you know i'm going to start at the hot seat for life like just just for life with that contract and how it happened jimbo fisher just you know what them seats them them them them seats in your new bobcat they're heated and with that kind of money there should be i think my favorite thing about that situation is everyone's gonna say you know Jimbo comes out and drops the drops the six and six turd on them or whatever everyone's gonna say oh well they're stuck with him you're gonna tell a bunch of Aggies what they're stuck with you're gonna tell them what they can and can't do with their money they'll fire him

with 95 million dollars left on his contract see if they won't it's just money we'll go to Dubai and get more this is how Texas A&M becomes like we've said this before but this is how it becomes repossessed by some sort of like emirate or kingdom right like Texas A&M is now technically owned by the UAE gig them that's that's how this happens they'll need to bail out this entire thing it'll bankrupt the entire university and that's how you end up with the UAE having a tiny plot of land in college station Texas and then they invade to take it back Ooh, man, speaking of outposts of bizarre nature, Kingsbury at Texas Tech, it's going to have to turn one day, right?

Yeah, I don't know. It's a weird thing there because I feel like their fans are a little tricky to get a read on. You know, like they're always either more in defense of him or more sick of him than you would guess at any point, I guess. Yeah. And it feels like right now, and again, this could fluctuate, these markets are volatile. It feels like right now they're a little bit more okay with him than they were, you know,

this time last year or whatever. Did they win their bowl? I don't even remember. They did not. They lost the USF. That's right. That's right. on the hot seat like those are that that one's a little bit of an illusion uh you know because

i don't know i don't know what your expectations out of life are texas tech just you know be entertaining right be entertaining win eight games you'd be pretty happy with that right i would think occasionally occasionally you know sort of like have that aberrant above board kind of uh you know season but yeah that's i don't know what your expectations are man another another one that i'm like well you know that's that's pretty real and i only say this because i hit long history of wearing out welcomes mike leach i think we'll fire mike leach no not fire but have the kind of not not i get i guess you not for wins and losses no just kind of that velvet divorce where they're Hey, you know, this was real good.

And frankly, you know, we're all chafed. We just, just, there's so much chafing going on here. Not enough gold bond powder in the world to salvage this relationship. And I only say that too because there's new AD, you know, and there's Mike Leach. It's not that Mike hasn't done his job. It's just that it's Washington State getting a little bit of success, a little bit of continuity, new AD, hey. new horizons maybe thinking about being something different than what we are hey our coach just said kind of four weird things in a meeting guys can we sort of talk about getting somebody more

normal that's how people are mind you i don't think this would be a good thing right like oh yeah that'll definitely be great Washington state can go pick up a guy who can do well there just tomorrow no no no no if they were smart they'd hold on to them uh could it happen? Betting on being smart isn't always the best wager. And that's not even a, we don't know anything about this AD. I'm pretty sure neither of us could tell you the person's name. This is more just a, that's the way these things work kind of thing.

Yeah, yeah. Like, it's, I believe that, I believe they got FAU's athletic director. Is what I think they got? Yeah, that sounds right. Lane Kiffin to Washington State. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Patrick Chun is the guy that they got. And he was at, he was at F.A.U.

And, you know, in terms of getting an outspoken guy, I don't know. Worked with Lane Kiffin. So there's that. Also, I believe, you know, might have hired Carl Polini. Yeah, I don't know. That's, when we enter the, hey, did you have anything to do with the Carl Polini hire? Let's just back away from that. So upon further review, Mike Leach will be there indefinitely.

I think after a closer look at this situation, Leach is entrenched. Well, you know, it's not that I belong to the hotel or the hotel belongs to me. It's that, you know, I've always been here. I've always been part of it. It's kind of a cool thing. if you know about the history of hotels oh hey here's a fun one major apple white at houston whose school president came out and said we fire coaches for going nine and three and then let's see what did what major do in that first season

i believe it was it eight and four i believe they were the wiki says seven and five oh well that's definitely below standard isn't it whew that is entire games below the stated firing line. Yeah, so Tillman Fertita, you think he's going to be, think Tillman's going to put up with that? He's going to install Mike Dantone, Houston Cougars head coach. Six seconds or less. George Carl, running the, running the Coogs.

Dude, Mike Dantone is a football coach, would be great because you thought you'd seen hurry up. They snapped the ball with 30 seconds on the clock. actually it would be 34 37 seconds on the clock have you ever seen this many people vomiting on a football field the refs

the refs have passed out and they're pleading for pleading for mercy oh my god they ran 190 plays in this game yeah for 212 yards it was really weird by the edge is literally falling forward yeah exactly every single play Dan Tony's arguing for a foul. It's like, no, no, you can actually hit them.

That's impossible. So Paul Petrino is an FCS coach now? Is that correct? That is correct. And I think they're probably good. Although, you know, I just want you to watch. This is not a hot seat thing at all. Okay?

But proof that things aren't necessarily better the second time around, right? Bobby Petrino at Louisville This is This is slightly underwhelming Did you see the spread on their Week 1 game in 2018? No They're playing Bama

Okay So since you haven't seen it Why don't you put a number on that? What do you think the The spread ought to be there? I'll get 27 well we're going to bump you up a full field goal yeah so in year what

four or so of the petrino the second petrino era yeah you're or whatever year five dude year five coming off of let's see diminishing returns the worst he had the best player in school history

Yep, yep. And what do you have to show for it? They went four in four in conference, which is Bob Vitrino's worst finish in the ACC ever. Hmm. You, yeah, and you're going to start the year in Orlando losing, probably losing by 30 points. I mean, when Bama has these crazy spreads, they cover them. Like, we saw that last year, Ole Miss and Vandy.

it was like 45 points yeah sure rack it up no problem so for lamar jackson's career you have a music city bull win that's it yeah that's it you got a music city bull win and somehow you managed to lose nine games in two years with him thanks to uh an absolutely terrible defense yeah yeah that's a that's not good and like that'll that'll eventually wear an ad up oh and by the way you lost lamar jackson who frankly without one Lamar Jackson last year, I don't know if they have a winning record. It's kind of hard to picture. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm not seeing the path to, not seeing the path to six there. So let's see, all right, so let's see, Petrino, you're sick of him, you find some shenanigans. Where in the world would you find those when it comes to Bobby Petrino? Maybe you take a look at this coach at USF. You know, it's worth a thought. I wonder how he would do. who could say

impossible to tell I mean he does have he's been at Florida he's been in the USF he's got those Florida recruiting connections so it could prove valuable at Louisville

oh you know I think if he could just find the right you know offensive coordinator they did you know they could probably do pretty well there Bobby Petrino

Bobby that's the strong Petrino what you know Petrino's great but what if it was a strong petrino that sounds like some sort of quantum particle does it not

there's a strong petrino there it sounds like a weather forecast there's a strong chance of petrino strong chance Jim Cantori just face first into the wind this petrino is so blastery

it's so droning and boring and I can't take the sound Just to imagine the voice of God booming from above in his Bobby Pruno's voice. It's always the sound of a, it's always the sound of like a sleepy mink, like a freshly sedated mink

in a fish and wildlife trap, right? Like, I'm not an invasive species. It's the sound of like the garbage disposal is jammed and you're trying to run it and it's just going, That's it.