Shutdown Fullcast - Shutdown Fullcast 8.06: It's For A Good Cause, Somehow

Episode Date: February 27, 2018

We're organized and hardworking and on top of things, and that's why we're wrapping up the payoffs for our fall charity drive in FEBRUARY. Imagine what it was like being our parents growing up! Just terrible, day in and day out. Reader selected topics include:The wonders of non-U.S. KFC offeringsWhether you should buy class photos for your childStar Wars, if Alex Jones were Princess LeiaBoomer SoonerBoomer SoonerBoomer SoonerBoomer Sooner Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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That's a welcome back to me, since these gentlemen were solo last week. I'm sure you were great. I was so on vacation, I didn't listen. I don't remember anything we talked about. There were rave reviews from the podcast press when the episode hit the shelves. Limited edition, another flawless show.

9.8 and pitchfork. Look at that. I like old pitchfork ratings. You go through them and it's like, like, I don't know, like Destin Classic. It'll be like, like 36 Chambers, Lutang, 3.8. They'll go back to time, just a hate on it. I respect that. It makes me want to go back to like national championship teams.

It would be like, Michigan, shared title, right? 97. Was it? Yeah. Yeah, 97. Michigan, shared title, 5.4. Go bigger, man. Breathable oxygen,

2.6. I mean, without breathable oxygen, we wouldn't have any of these problems, so. We wouldn't have any of this garbage music. None. I'll go to this. Bear Bryant, 2.3. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

No, don't take it up with me. Take it up with pitchfork. That's a pitchfork review. You can't get mad at us. We're reporting. It's me. We're reporters. Go, go yell at some nerd named Tofeyf.

who thinks animal collective was actually good. We're the sports reporters. You've heard of them? That's us. That's us. I'm Mike Lupica. I'm also Mike Lupica. And Jason is Mike Lupica.

I'm Mike Lupica. I don't know who that is. I am him. He's kind of if Tom Crane was an elf, an angry elf. So this is the charity episode. And you're probably thinking, hey, didn't you do this charity drive for hurricane relief fucking forever ago? Um, yes. Yes, we did.

And weren't she supposed to read all of these friendly comments and jokes months ago? Yes. Yes, we were. But to that, I say, we took forever to do this, an unimportant task in the grand scheme of things. We appreciate everybody who donated to this more than we can say. But overall, looking at the world, this is not the most important thing. Are we still going to get this done before the United States gets power back to all of Puerto Rico? Yup!

Sure are! Yep, still. And that's why I'm running for president. Who's your running mate? Jason. What's Spencer's job, campaign manager? Um, we're going to be late to some speeches. TBD, TBD, yeah, that's a TBD.

I'm going to be, I'm going to be working behind the scenes. Just put it that way. Offs, officer. Yep. Spencer's our minister of spam. Look at him. Look at him. He looks like Zengief.

That's why I did that. Requires going on Facebook. Don't know if we're pulling this one out, boys. Now you just pay some Russians to do it. That's it. I like, I like now that Facebook. Facebook is, Facebook's failing.

I'm just going to say that now. You can just say that in America, right? Like, I just be like the failing, I just be like the failing Alabama football program. I mean, come on. They needed to go to their backup quarterback to win a game. They haven't won a game in over a month.

Yeah, I'm just saying. United States men's curling team. Just want a medal. What have you done, Bama? And that's with two-star recruits. Easily. that's what them big 10 recruits that's what curling's pulling out up can you imagine can you imagine how good we'd be if we got some of those quality athletes from the south curling hmm saying yeah but you can't eat you got to give a pizza so not not necessary i'm telling you we can get some shapely 290 pound boys and some form fitting golf shirts just spinning that rock throwing stones can you imagine if our entire country

entry was devoted toward curling like delete basketball football like if jerry if jerry jones was a billionaire curling team owner yes yes if we had millions of teenagers playing curling and all we wanted to do was win every curling gold medal for the next 100 years listen listen these listen these curling teams i just don't enjoy it if they get paid okay i like that they're in for the love of the ice for the love of the stones all right they're getting an education that's the important thing. It's not about the revenue they bring in. Okay. What about the life experience they get? They wouldn't be able to curl at a professional level without the, without the tutelage of their highly paid college coaches like Randy Edsel. Randy Edsel is a very accomplished coach in this

universe. Hey, by the way, welcome to the resistance, Randy Edsel. Randy Edsel's third eye done opened up at some point. Exactly. Who got, who got massively woke this this week? massively for a while and he breaks out some deep thoughts on you i hope i hope randy edsel was doing his taxes like hadn't done him in years i'm sort of like oh fine i'll like catch up on uh all the way back to 2013 at the same time he was reading you know oh college athletes don't get paid and he looked he looked at his taxes he looked at his income he looked at college athletes don't get paid and he thought about his time he was like yeah that's pretty fucked up yeah you're right that's That's pretty fucked up.

Or maybe he would just, he just thought, like, for the first time in years, how much money do I make? Probably like 60,000, right? That's about, I, what? Maybe he hit enough in his bank account, whatever that is, right? Like, maybe he hit finally, like, one last job and then I'm out. Yeah. And it just hit that amount, and he was like,

possessions mean nothing to me anymore. I've hit that fine leverage point. the tipping point between earning and not being able to give away all the money I have. Material concerns have become irrelevant for me and now I can actually be a principled human being because

on the 23rd at 141 p.m. Randy Edsel joined the resistance. Welcome, comrade. Because he tweeted with NCAA football. Oh, and he tagged him. He put them right in there. Proposal, 2017-99,

adopted colleges and universities will employ more people in their scouting departments than the NFL and still not paying the players with all the money being brought into the conferences. We've become a farm system. Oh, did he put a rhetorical hashtag in there? Brother, you bet he did. Hashtag, pay the players. Hashtag destroy capitalism.

Hashtag follow Jacobin magazine. Hashtag birdie. Hashtag no to Hillary. That's what Randy. Randy's out here. Hashtag A-Con, huh? Interesting. Hashtag Zoodles?

What? Zucchini noodles. He's just crazy about them. This episode's going great. I'm just going to dive in. So, like we said, we have a lot of, God, we got a lot of ads to get through on this episode. So I'm going to start with this, this read from. Ethan.

Ethan, so Ethan kind of misunderstood the assignment, but I think in the context of what was going, how we usually do charity drives and how he did this one, it's understandable. He said, I challenged Cal and Stanford fans, and yes, he did spell Stanford with a U to emphasize that Stanford is bad, to see which well-heeled fan base can raise more money to help folks in Puerto Rico, go bears. First of all, Ethan, thank you for your donation, go bears, et cetera. I would be lying if I had, like, a good estimation of who pulled ahead in this race, but here's what I'm going to do. This is where I'm going to unveil a little bit of early 2018 college football news that I think will, if not make Cal fans happy at least, maybe makes my fellow 12 Stanford fans very upset. Not rooting for Stanford this college football season. Didn't root for them last season, decided it was a one-year thing. Took last year off mostly, just, you know, did the Yukon Husky Dog.

That was the only thing I really loved and cared about. Spencer, guess who I am rooting for? Guess who I've adopted as my team for 2018? Well, let me go back and just go to, let's see, vitally important Stanford support, going to vitally important support of antiquated cartoon dog so that to me says

you're supporting let's see Iowa State Notre Dame I don't know you I'm gonna be a Notre Dame fan in 2018 but here's the twist

I'm gonna be extremely sexual about it like so oh my God I'm just gonna be so sexual for Notre Dame in both directions. Win, lose, it's all kink to me. It's all kinky as hell. I love it. I'm so disturbed by this.

Like, I almost, I really, in principle, you have to go into that cave alone. Hey, hey, Spencer. Spencer, play like a champion today. But, but having said that, that you have to do this by yourself. I'm not going to kinkshame you. Well, I think we'll find at some point

that he's not actually doing this by himself. He'll find a subreddit for this. R slash fucking Irish. It's the spanking Irish, okay? It's the spanking Irish. One of you, please, get us off of this topic as fast as possible. Oh, God, I'm so disturbed but fascinated.

I need help. Just picture the Notre Dame mascot with a ball gag and you'll feel much better. This didn't help. Whoever tweets that at Ryan first will win a prize. Do you want to know what the prize is? No, you don't. Okay. Go ahead, Jason.

Here's one we have to read from Mack Renner. This was a pretty geniusly worded one. I'm going to guess Mac is an attorney of some sort. He said, instead of a read, I'd like you to play Boomer Sooner as the background music for the other reads everyone loves that song and we all know the audio quality is the show's hallmark uh it just so happens that this was presented during the episode that's nothing but reads so i believe from this point forth in the podcast boomer sooner has to be playing faintly in the background for the entire rest of the episode um i'll assume that's happening now and it'll just

not stop correct i've made it happen there is no escape it'll and here's what i'm going to do I'm going to make it like super faint at points so people think, oh, I guess it's done. And then out of nowhere, I'm just going to bump it right back up. There it is. It's back. Whoa, the dog started parking. They love the Sooners.

Okay, so yeah, we can do that. Spencer, please pick one. Please pick a read. I'm going to pick Stephen Black. Stephen Black, who made a donation. Thank you, Stephen. He said, I just want you to say, despite constantly

trashing this place Washington, D.C. is secretly my favorite city. There, I just said it. Just said it. You didn't say I had to say it was true. I just had to say it. And I'm saying it with some bitterness because I have to go there this week.

Hmm. I don't. Yeah, lucky you. You get to stay aware? I'm going to California, actually. You still there? Do you need me to bring back the kinky iris? thing or yeah that'd be that'd be better it's the only thing that can make that makes him feel

why do you think brian kelly's so purple he's getting choked oh oh my god so sexy irish football this is all for charity folks all for charity i'm still like i'm still like now hung on this right Because now I'm like, I'm like, oh. You're what on this? Yeah, yeah, no. I just, yeah, I just did that. Yeah, I was also going to say, you know what, Notre Dame and a furries

because they were spanking a tiger this, New Year's, weren't they? Huh? Oh, boy. Ooh, ooh. That's right. Spicy. I imagine, by the way, LSU fans completely like kinkshame proof. Like, despite being in the heart of the deep south, you could be like, yeah, all LSU fans

are furries. Somebody would come back at you like, yeah? Yeah, no, I'm pretty sure LSU fans only recognized, like, the old popes that had horse and concubines. They're like, yeah, that's a real pope. I think if you call LSU fan a furry, you'd have to explain to them what that means, and then they'd say, oh, yeah, I'm dead. No, no, they'd be like, is one of them Mike the Tiger? It's legit, then. It's fine.

It's totally fine. All right, I'm going to do this one from Parker. who asks that someone on the podcast do one hate nassbriar style joke about games results. It doesn't matter which, whatever you think is funniest or easiest. This may not be either, but again, this podcast is already a goddamn disaster. So, unsurprisingly, I chose the National Championship game for this live hate and assperier. We haven't done a lot of these live. They're usually easier to write because then you can say horrible things and feel somewhat

detach from them the internet it's a wonderful place um but here goes well i call georgia john hammond because uh they spared no expense built something magnificent and powerful thought they were in full control and then damn if they didn't get eaten by an island native that's good boomer sooner still playing just remember that all right it always sounds a little bit like it's going to be indiana jones I enjoy the fact that Boomer Sooner has no point. You mean, you mean Indy Landry Jones? Yeah, Indy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Which is the Indiana Jones saga about somebody who's just wearing a knee brace the whole time. Just picture of Landry Jones running away from the big rolling boulder. How far would he get? That's a short movie. Smush. Just those knees, knees pumping up up above his chin. I was going to say, But awkward running is a hallmark of all Hollywood films.

So I think Landre Jones is right in key here. Jason, you got one? From Michael Stock. Here's the message. Hey there, Sonny. This is the year of the eight. Is this from a movie or something? I don't know.

I honestly don't know what this means. So what I did was I put some deep research into the numerology of the number eight, which means I googled it. and click the first thing that came up. And this fella says that I shouldn't. It's not clear. Oh, yes, it is. It's Hans, so it is a fella.

It says 8 is misunderstood, and people always seem to hammer on the money and power image of the 8. So apparently there's a debate in the numerology message boards about what 8 means. Hans is sick of everyone pinning money and power on 8. Hawn says it's more about balance between material and spiritual and so forth, which I don't know, man. This doesn't sound like the year of that. This is the year of the balance of the material and spiritual. That is not, you, no, nobody who listens to this podcast believes that to be true. What year was the balance of that?

Of the material and the spiritual? Yeah. Probably, like, when was the first dot-com, when did the dot-com bubble burst? I feel like it was, I feel like it was then. Yeah. Yeah. So, like, spirituality is probably pretty low. Material wealth is pretty low.

Yeah, right around there. Okay, so they met at the bottom. Okay, yeah, that word. Yeah, hey, balance is balance. So here we have, Michael. Thanks, Michael, for writing to us from the year 1999. That year was awful. Your pants are too large.

son. Jig goes forever. Spencer, you got one. I am going to shout out Pete Merkels. I hope I'm saying your name correctly, sir. Merkels. As in plural, not just one Merkel.

Nope, we got a whole slew of Merkels over here. And his is very simple. He says, because Americans help out other Americans. Which is true. Americans help out either. Americans, even if those other Americans

are so paralyzingly dumb that they do things you cannot excuse or forgive. But you will. You will, because you have to. Like making you think about erotic Notre Dame fan fiction for an entire year. There's nothing fictitious

about it. This is the worst. All right, so we unsurprisingly, over the course of this charity drive, we got many people asking. to do various voices, which is fun because Spencer's pretty good at them. Jason's very good at them, and I'm terrible at them, but we're going to try it anyway. We're going to start with this one. This is from John, who wants to hear a conversation between the Sandman, Coach O, and

Alex Jones. He said he wanted this to happen at the dog park, but we're taking our own Liberties with this. So we are going to be reading a scene from Star Wars, A New Hope, in which, if I have this right, Jason is going to be reading Obi-Wan Kenobi as the Sandman. I'm going to be Luke Skywalker as the Coach O. And Spencer is going to be Princess Leia as Alex Jones. It's fine. It's fine. It'll work. This is good. Yeah, whenever you're ready. No, let's see if we can't figure out what you are, my little friend. And where you come from? Oh, I saw part of the message he was...

Luke has cut short as the recorded image of the beautiful young rebel princess is projected from Artu's face. I seem to have found it. Luke stops his work as the lovely girl's image flickers before his eyes. Dural Canobi years ago, you served our father in the Cold Worth. I beg you to help him in a stroll against the empire. I regret that I'm unable to present my father to request you in person, but my ship has fallen under attack, and I'm afraid my mission to bring you to Alderon has failed. I've placed information vital to the survival of the rebellion into the memory systems of this R2 unit.

My father will know how to retrieve it. You must see this droid safely delivered to him on Alderon. This is our most desperate hour. Tell me only one can open your mind to hope. There's a little static, and the transmission's got short. Old Bentley back and scratches his head. He silently puffs on a tarnished chrome water pipe. Luke has stars in his eyes.

Shit, he vaped? He vaped. Yeah, he vape. Sorry, go ahead. You must learn the ways of the force if you're going to come with me to Atlantic City. Oh, Atlantic City! I'm not going to know Atlantic City. I got to go home.

It's late. Coach O' in for that it is. I need your help, Coacho. Oh, she needs your help. I'm getting to war for this sort of thing. Oh, I'm going to go to Tasha Station pick up some power converters. That's what I call a quarterback who you just have running the ball, straight up the gut. That's your uncle talking.

That's a very Sandman line to end on. Well, the only part I like, well, I forgot the voice until halfway through, but the part I do like is Obi-Wan is literally the Samman in A New Hope. Yeah, it's true. He's the Sandman, just out there vaping, handing out. hot tips you know hey you know what else the sandman does in a new hope he cut someone's arm off in a bar that's some deep sandman shit right like you owe me money also also how do they get in to um to the bar in the first place with a little

poker face says no we ain't we ain't we ain't holding nothing let's just hey all things are true from just a certain perspective like hey hey You owe me money. No, no, my friend, you'll owe me money later. Right now, I just pre-o-you-money by owning your money. It's just the, yeah. The Cowboys are favored by five from a certain point of view. Oh, that one hurt.

That's excellent. Yeah, I'm sorry. We'll wait before we keep going on it. I will run through a few. There are a few shoutouts we have to give here. Rob Lippold. Richard Oxier, Kevin Smith, Richard Muntz, Chris Socha, Daniel Ailu, Caitlin and Landon Mock, thank you very much for your donations. Go Trojans, go buffs,

somewhere in there. Probably screwed up half your names. Again, this whole thing is a disaster, and I'm sorry, I'll never get better. Hmm, all right. Is it my turn? Because I think I have to do a really special one here. Yes. Please do. Okay. Which is from Jordan Smith, who has a very particular request from us and one that I'm going to do my damnedest to... This is very well suited for you. Very well suited for you. It is and it isn't, right? Because it involves something that I have some experience with, which is, you know, foreign travel and Kentucky fried chicken, right? the reason that it's really not is that I have to read something and talk at the same time but I can do that okay

which is the menu all right here we here we here we go now this is from Jordan my wife and I visit her parents in Japan every Christmas season her parents live very much in the sticks if that's a thing in Japan

it's pretty dope actually right because like Japan's pretty orderly so like it's country but It's clean. It's not like you're living in the South Carolina, Japan. But if you are, the South Carolina, Japan, still way nicer than like, I don't know. South Carolina. South Carolina.

And your wonderful bulb podcasts, thank you. Maybe the only time they've been described as wonderful, Jordan, are the soundtrack as I run through the Japanese countryside in the mornings. Another thing about Japan, they're really into KFC, especially. around Christmas time. I love that. And I know you'll have serious chicken takes. Completely accurate. I've attached an English menu,

and here's a link to their Christmas menu. I should point out the link is dead because we did this so late, so sorry. It's true. But I did pull the English menu, so we have that at least. Yes, we do have the English menu to look at for KFC. If you think the English menu in Japan

is the same as the menu, you might get here at KFC, my friend, you are incorrect. Because, as I've been telling anyone who will listen, you are being robbed. American quality of life is on the decline, and other countries are getting a better piece of it. You know why? You're not eating enough fast food. That's why. You know, it's weird because you hear the United Nations, Doctors Without Borders, the World Health Organization, all these people.

They say the same things. America, if America wants to turn around, more fast food. That's correct. That's correct. This is definitely not, yeah, this is definitely not a sponsor of this podcast, big fast food. It is. They're paying us. So, what Jordan wants us to do is he wants us, if you wouldn't mind having a look and giving me your best, boldest chicken or shrimp, it gets weird over there, takes on the menu, I'd thoroughly enjoy it. It doesn't have to be anything elaborate, but I figure y'all might enjoy just looking at these things. If I get the chance, I'll try to take the recommendation while we're over there and put down some KFC. I highly recommend that because if you haven't, fast food's better in other countries.

For instance, New Zealand, they'll give you the double-mic chicken. They'll give you all kinds of stuff, right, in nicer restaurants, because fast food still has to try. There's still hope overseas for fast food. Here, strictly maintenance. strictly like they're just going to give you the bare minimum. But looking at the English menu, which I hope you gentlemen have pulled up. I have.

Okay? Oh, first of all, KFC overseas, it's way better. I don't know what it is. I don't know if there's chemicals they can use that we can't use. I don't know if their chickens are more laced with narcotics and addictive substances. I don't know if it's just the faint taste, the spice of dislocation and homesickness that makes it so much better.

But KFC is way better in China. Way better. It's greasier. It's tastier. There's no semblance of even like a novelty wave at the concept of health. It's just better. It's probably the same in Japan. I'm guessing.

Because they're like, KFC, that's not food. We don't have to regulate it. It's like diet pills. Yeah, no, it's like diet pills. They're like, that's not even medicine. Who would think that's medicine? Who would think that's medicine? This is food.

Why would we inspect it? So when we say KFC is way better elsewhere, do we mean like it rises to below average? No, no, no, no. I'll say it gets up to good. I'll take it out to good. Yeah, no, I can't either, but it really does. And that's not just, you know, deprivation talking.

Nope. Gets up to actually good. So if I was looking at this, you have your standard combos, which are great. I enjoy that the translation is Secret Recipe. Secret Recipe. Combo's A through C, they're standard. There is something.

They have red hot chicken, which sounds pretty dope, actually. But not just that. They have red hot shrimp. This does not look like, it does not look like shrimp in the picture. No. It looks like a flaky mozzarella stick. It does. It looks like an objectivist egg roll is what it looks like.

Okay. It looks like somebody deep, deep fried like a Playmobile character. Exactly. It looks like if somebody imagined a chicken finger as drawn by Paul Sazon. Right? Like that's what it looks like. And frankly, I don't appreciate the disrespect in your voice because it looks delicious. Oh, I'd eat it.

Yeah. Let's be clear. I would eat this. Yeah. There's something called a chicken non-bine sandwich set. looks like a gigantic fried chicken sandwich looks like flames looks really good

apparently served with coffee in this which I'm not I don't know about that that's a lot to throw your stomach at once they do if you scroll down on the drink menu they got ice coffee so I respect that game absolutely also can I give you this this is the drink

menu at the Chinese or I'm sorry this is the Japanese KFC menu the Japanese KFC menu offers Pepsi cola Oulong tea, iced tea, ginger ale, iced coffee, and the last two are bangers because they offer

orange drink, proper name. Shouldn't be fans or anything. All orange sodas, orange drink. And melon soda. Hell yeah. Yeah. No, I'm feeling this. I'm feeling every single bit of this. There's only one thing on this menu that truly confused.

And that's if you will go to the bottom left corner of the menu. We're under sandwiches and side menus. This whole thing is arranged in such a way. It's like a form that you're, it's like a government form you're supposed to fill out.

It feels like, which is a little disconcerting, but that's fine. I want to talk about vegetable twister. I don't know what this is. Is this just like a wrap with french fries and peppers in it? Yeah.

What's not good about that? No, it's just, it's fine. It seems, um... I like the one called Pepper Mayo Twister. That's not... It's like the spiciest thing in Indiana. Like, ooh, pepper mayo, it put... You know what?

It put Uncle Jim in the ER. He had the hiccup. Something awful. So, yeah, no. If I'm gonna give, if I'm gonna give, uh, the straight up on this, like the way to go, uh, to get your maximal Japanese KFC experience. easy, man. You got to go to the double red hot pack for just

$1,090 yen. You get two pieces of the Paul Cizan cubist shrimp. You get two pieces of chicken and you get what is listed on the menu is not fries, but curdling potatoes. This is banging, man.

This is a deal. This is awesome. That's like $10 American. I think that's fair. Because it's red hot, you know. No, absolutely fine. you know, this is, by the way, like, the comparison you can do on this all day is amazing because, like, you can go to the KFC. Did you know, like, KFC in Hong Kong serves, like, barbecue chicken?

Like, they just straight up, give up on the entire concept of just being about fried chicken, and they're like, whatever, man, we'll serve fried, we'll serve you baked chicken, we'll give you burgers. They have burgers. They have something called the Flava, F-L-A-V-A, roast chicken burger with ham. What kind of godless but fascinating KFC is this? I like it. I'm going to, just because I'm curious, I'm going to check out the Italian KFC menu.

It sucks. It sucks. I know. What are you doing? Yeah. Yeah. No, it's, it's garbage. Madness.

They have something called a nami meal. G-N-A-M-M-Y What is that? I don't know. I refuse to find out. Complete garbage. I will also say, if you get the variety bucket

at the Burmese, the Myanmar, the Yangon K-F-C, the only one in the whole country, you can get a family meal that has two giant things of rice, a bunch of popcorn chicken, four orders of fries,

and for some reason, four egg tarts with coleslaw. I want them back up here. I have found one redeeming feature. of the Italian KFC menu. So they have a... First of all, some of the names of the shit is fucking ridiculous.

They have a chicken wrap called the Boxmaster. It's like a silent hill villain that doesn't even make sense. But they have... So they have salads. And you're like, okay, chicken and salad, that goes together.

And they have three that appear to be chicken varieties, two fried, one grilled, different sort of like veggie combos that go with them. But then they have one, and I'm going to try my best Italian here, in Salatona hash brown. It's a fucking salad with two whole hash browns plop down in the middle of it. That's it.

That sounds delicious. It's a salad, ain't it? It's good for you. It's a salad with two. Oh my God. Yep. Bless you, Italy. You are a terrible.

terribly run country and you'll probably be broke by the time we release this episode but you have hash brown salad so you can't be stopped coming up next week you can send in college football jokes that will read to fund the government of italy hey listen broke is a matter of accounting hash brown salad that's a matter of innovation yeah yeah um let's see let's do let's do this one this is from Alex Kane. Alex said he'd thought about using his ad read to point out all the blown calls in the 2003 of Florida, Florida State game. And yeah, we're just, we're not going to do that because, A, it feels, it literally is

forever ago. So I've moved past it. We all should move past it. A lot of things have happened for both teams in between. Chris Ricks has had amazing NFL success, just can't speak highly enough about his career accomplishments, cradle of quarterbacks, Florida State, absolutely. But no, he instead he decided to promote his debut novel, Andrea Vernon and the Corporation for Ultra Human Protection, an audiobook exclusive from Audible Studios. So this is a plug for that book. I did take the time

to check out. I'm probably like a third, 40% of the way through it. And it's very enjoyable. It's sort of, it's kind of like the tick. meets office space in some way. So if that sounds interesting to you, you should go to Audible and you should check out, check out this book. That's capitalism through charity. I'm fine with that.

Hustle never sleeps. Yeah, I mean, Alex is probably going to be more solvent than Italy. So, props to you. That take a dollar from Alex, buddy. I think we just got you a dollar. Congratulations. Your economy? Greater than Italy's.

And also, Alex is a little. also not in the World Cup, but nobody cares. That's true. That's something else you have in common with Italy. Let's just not talk about where the United States is there, by the way. Let's just slide right past it. I'm Sean Ramosverum. I'm the host of Today Explained,

a new show from Vox. It's an all-killer, no-filler, daily news explainer that'll drop every afternoon. But not on the weekend. Our show's going to explain the news every way we know how. Clips, radio drama, maybe even a song. Today.

Explain. Subscribe now in Stitcher, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. Let's see. Jason, you matter if I caught you in line here? I got a good one and I'm ready to go. Yeah, if you're feeling it. Feeling it. This is from Ben Neurotic.

His name is N-A-R-O-D-I-C-K. What we're saying is it could be narrow-d-dick. That's why I'm going with Neurotic, Ryan. we're going to go with neurotic. That's why I'm going with I'm going with the easy Ben. Hey Ben, you're a fucking hero. You are and you gave generously and we really

appreciate that. That's why I'm going to go hard on this also because I feel really passionate about it. Please explain why class photos for children aren't a money fit scam and why it's okay to spend up to $100 on them. I'm okay if this means

lying to me. Ben, I'm going to tell you there's a lot of scams. A lot of scams involving your children that are camouflage institutions. For example, there are people out there. They're somewhere out there, and I don't know who they are. But they still get class rings, okay? Let me tell you, perfectly okay to not get a class ring, okay? Rings, there's really only one thing that we use them for in society, maybe two, okay?

If you wear one on your left hand on the ring finger, okay, a.k.a. the third finger, that means you're married, okay? And if you wear multiple rings, say five to nine to maybe even 11 or 12 on, it means you are Johnny Depp or you're Stephen Tyler. And you're aspiring to some sort of wealthy, dipsomaniacal, gypsy, hobo on a private jet kind of lifestyle, okay? Or at least you're aspiring to it. That lets us know what you're working with, right? You're like Jimmy Goldstein or Johnny Depp or Stephen Tyler. Let's us know to get out of your way and hand you a scarf.

Let you know that for every holiday, you can just get this person some form of colorful scarf. That's what that means, okay? Otherwise, class ring, that is a complete fraud, it's just fraud. It's just, it's a scheme. It's a hustle. Don't bother engaging with it, okay? However, spending money to buy class photos for your children is a valuable asset. And here's why they're deeply embarrassing.

to your children later. Deeply embarrassing. It's an investment in future shame. It is. It is. And you're going to need it. Right now, they're small.

They occasionally get the better of you because you simply can't pay attention to what they're doing 100% of the time. Okay? Sometimes they're going to get chips off the cabinet when you're not looking. You're going to have to let them have that, okay? But later on, they're going to become more powerful than you.

They're just going to be younger. They'll be faster. They won't have as much. stuff, so they won't have to, like, I don't know, unearth themselves from it when they need something, right? Which is probably where you're already at life, okay? You know, toys, maybe a couch that fell on you. These, these happen to parents, by the way. Did your children throw a couch on you again?

Again, yeah, they did. It's fine. But I prevailed. They're in bed, and I'm not. And that means I'm the adult. Who has to go to bed now, dad? Dad would like to. Oh, please let dad go to bed. Please let dad go to bed.

Ironically, my only form of triumph is something I don't want. Tadda! So here's why. You should spend $100 to get those, okay? You're going to forget that it's picture day. Uh-huh. That's going to happen. And you might feel like a bad parent for a minute.

Oh, sure. Oh, sure. But when you send them in the same, like, I don't know, school's got uniforms, that's good. You're going to send them with like their collar half. cocked up right or you'll send them where they don't have a haircut or something and you'll send it later and they'll go in and you'll go oh god it was picture day and you get the proofs back and you go cool my kid looks like the one or the dog chewed on right before he got in front of the camera

she got in front of the camera it doesn't matter the side of your younger selves is a mortification it is a shame it is something you will feel bad about every single time you look at it everyone else is going to be cool they're going to be like oh look there's that younger version of you that's so adorable you didn't know anything wow and you're going to look at it and go man i hate him what a i hate him so much what a helpless worm just lying there it's amazing that you're still above ground he did nothing he did nothing to help me survive that's right you need to hold on to that as a parent because you need to come back because they're going to get big for their britches they're going to be like hey mom can i steal the car again like that's you need to go ahead

and have those pictures waiting, all right, the worst ones, okay? So look at it that way. This year, you might not get $100 worth of control of humiliation out of it. In two years, you might not. But I guarantee you one of those is going to hit for like at least $1,000 worth of potential future reminder and damage against what that person was. Signed somebody who showed up for their sixth grade picture in a dirty flannel shirt with bad hair and a giant zit on my cheek.

I'm proud of younger you. I'm not. I don't understand that person at all, actually. No, no, no, no. I'd beat his ass. You're the only person I know of who I see, like, pictures of you in, like, high school or even college. It's sort of like the effect they did in the first Captain America movie where you're like, oh, look, it's the handsome man, but they made him digitally skinny.

And it's like, who is this? This is not Spencer. This is some sort of like Brillo pad with feelings in a soul patch. I never had a soul patch. How dare you? Somewhere in there, there's a soul patch.

No, not once. I've tried every doomed facial hair cell, no demand. Never a soul patch. I might have been projecting there. I'm sorry. Did you have a soul patch? I don't have to answer your goddamn questions.

Oh my gosh. Fortunately, you're not on Facebook, so you'll never fucking find out. Oh, my God. Did you soon pass Florida and go right to inland, California? I am never sure. If you have a photo of Ryan with a soul patch, tweet it at Spencer, please. It's fine, as long as they don't find the mustache picture. That's the really bad.

No, that one's got style. The soul patch is a cry for help. Yeah, I was a sophomore in college. That's all you do. Wow. I don't care. I don't care. Jason, read or read. Can I get, um, can I get some more boomer sooner in my headphones, please? Can we crank this max volume? Can we, can we turn up the boomer sooner as loud as it will possibly go in the listener's headphones?

Because I have the soundtrack. This from an anonymous sooner span who wants you to never forget, Texas lost a Kansas and Maryland in football. And we ain't talking Mangino, Kansas. We ain't talking Friege in Maryland. We ain't talking Bear Bryant, Maryland.

We're talking recent Kansas and Maryland in football. And probably also Kansas and basketball. And probably also Maryland in various La Crosse. La Crosse. Yeah.

Rowing lacrosse. It's a new one. It's cool lacrosse. Water lacrosse. Is that the same as Water Polo? Water lacrosse home mortgage. No, that would be water polo. They don't have sticks.

So you'd be having people sticks. Oh, so water polo is for pores. Mm-hmm. Okay. Yeah, this, that's, hey, Texas, that sounds like a sport for you. Water lacrosse? Like, like, middle class people are too poor to play it. That's right up Texas's alley.

So this is a fair, this is a fair thing to point out. However, I'm on Windsapedia. I'm looking at Oklahoma. you know just a tremendous program sixth in all-time winning percentage has winning records against almost everybody that they played multiple times yeah there are some teams on here that they have a losing record against Miami and Clemson Notre Dame they have one in Texas there's one that stands out Oklahoma is one in three against Northwestern wow as a midd I knew this already.

Proudly. And the one came in 1939. Most recently, they played in 1997. Northwestern won 24 to zero. So this is why Oklahoma is scared to join the Big Ten. I think we know who the better program is.

The numbers are clear. The numbers are very clear. the numbers do not lie they cannot lie you're listening to NPR um let's see all right should we do another group read now let's get that over with yeah okay so this one this one comes from Blake

he wants us to do five minutes Blake we're not doing five minutes no no this is going to be Spencer's Mac Brown Jason's Wright Thompson and I'm playing coach O again and we're going to sort of stay on theme here movie universe we're going to do a

scene from everyone's favorite sci-fi film, Avatar. Everybody welcome. I'm glad you're here. I'm General Mack. I cannot stay for the entire sequence here, but this is my wife. She is a general wife, and I'm here to brief you on the aliens. Aliens. At first, I'll take a question.

This is the coach, oh, yeah. You got a tow cable, because I got my truck stuck in the avatar over there. But that's a very good question. Have you considered that that truck might be better suited playing another position? Not truck, because you've got it at truck. Have you considered moving it to something safer, for instance? No. No, I don't believe in the safety.

No way. No way, no how. Okay, I'll be taking another question. Um, if you have anything more, more reasonable. I ripped to see, I ripped to see, bought out a truck cut the government. Don't tell me what to do. Um, Coach Ove's truck's daddy was stuck in the mud with no daddy to pull him out of the mud.

And there I was forged in the fires of Avatar's daddy. Is that enough? is that enough yeah that's good that's good corn corn puffs it's fine

yeah sorry blake no not sorry Blake you got what you paid for god damn it that's right a late bad ad read

what else what else we got here um um Josh boggin would like for us to let it be known that John Penland wears panties

which is fine that's fine um that's fine some some people prefer underwear that doesn't have like leggings to it you know I don't know why you'd need to need to add fabric

if you don't feel you need to to do so so listen there's some men who can carry off a nice pair of tat pants let them I have one for Matt Waters which is topical here Matt Waters wants us to say this podcast was good before the Florida homer joined Oh, boy.

All right, let's break this down. Again, extremely sexual Notre Dame fan here, so he's not talking about me. No. Oh, God, just so hard thinking about Newt Rockney. Just, hold on, I'm going to be. Okay, I'm fine. Oh, the echoes are awake. Oh, just put Rudy in.

Let's see. Jason is clearly a Kennesaw fan, so it can't be him. We have more playoff wins than Florida has playoff trips, so. It's true. So it's Spencer. Spencer's the Florida Homer. Yep. And if the podcast was good before the Florida Homer joined,

that means last week's episode was good, and this week's is bad. And guess what, Matt? You're right. Glad to bring the team down here for it. You saw the future. I'm proud of you. Um, I'm going to combine two real quick here from Allison, who would like another impassioned rant about how shitty this country's indifference to Puerto Rico is. Um, and from, let me find it, Josh, who wants to know if we could please call the president fuckwit on the forecast?

Well, we just did that one. And yes, once again, uh, friendly reminder that it's been countless weeks since Hurricane. hit Puerto Rico. Many people have left and probably won't return. The economy is in serious trouble. Basic services are not yet fully restored. Meanwhile, our government decided to give them a loan, which is the kind of thing your shitty stepdad does when you get in trouble. Yes, I will bail you out, but you're paying me back at 8%. Thanks, shitty stepdad United States. We love you. Hey, listen, we'd be fine to say like nice. things about the president if you want to give money

to Puerto Rico. If you want to give money to this, that'd be fine. You won't. Not a dime. Sending money to Puerto Rico to own the libs. That'd be great. I support that.

I think we're almost done. We do have one from Scott and Jacqueline. I would like a full cast discussion on what grudge against Kentucky the designer of this original logo had. We'll probably, I don't know, we'll put this in the post or we won't. The gist of it is there's an old Kentucky Wildcats logo where if you look at the, the Wildcats got his mouth open, his tongue is displayed, and it looks like a penis, looks like a weird penis just floating in the middle of his mouth. Like his mouth is some sort of wormhole out of which comes um red penis alien he looks like a it looks

like a xenomorph that way oh oh and also i think the whole style of this is like super late 80s so that lines up again just listen to boomer sooner it'll make everything better