Shutdown Fullcast - Shutdown Fullcast 8.09: Skip Holtz To Bama / Urinal Poopin' / A Defense Of Man Buns

Episode Date: March 20, 2018

ALL HAIL THE RANDOMIZER. There is nothing of consequence to discuss this week in college football so rather than rely on the extremely faulty computers that are our own brains, we turned to the Shutdown Fullcast Topic Randomizer (patent pending) and asked you, gentle listener, to supply us with talking points. You did a great job, except when you asked us to compare Iowa to the state of American politics. That shit would have gotten us killed. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I just feel like we are surrounded in this world by bullshit. So how can you know what's real and what's not? Science versus, that's how. We answer questions like, does anti-aging skin care actually work? And what is your true personality type? And to answer these questions, we don't use opinions. We dive into the scientific studies,

talk to the experts, and put it in a podcast that I know you are going to love. Listen to science verses on Spotify. welcome to the shutdown forecast which only took like 10 minutes to get started because my computer was possessed because that's typical on the greatest internet college football podcast i'm spencer hall broadcasting for some reason in the middle of his living room and who's hey oh do i hear other people yeah i like to imagine this is how you like i like to imagine this is how you drive a car that you get the keys and you're just like mashing them against the door you're like god damn stupid car can't get in and again just every time learn nothing at least i live somewhere where

i can have a car wow with the heat off the top rope down i mean you know it could be i could have voluntarily chosen to live in you know a cube but no i chose to live in an expensive wasteful house with an expensive wasteful car like a real American Ryan so take that this 10 gallon hat is filled with ice cream and gasoline because you need it for your

very expensive car it is it's gods once a day I go out and dump my hat into my car just dump the gasoline right on top of it it's delicious bathe my car in gas I wash my car with it

Just to be sure. It's like how when you roast a turkey or whatever, juices on the side, you know, you dump them back on top of it. I mean, I mean, water is to people as gases to cars, and we wash ourselves in water, so. Mm-hmm. My car is 78% gas. That's also why at the gas station it's in a hose form. Like, that's basically so you can spray your car down. Mm-hmm.

washing my car with gas to own the limbs That's what I'm doing It's great on the interior too It's good for Good for the upholstery It cleans it, it cleans it gives it a sheen It does that

It does that Definitely This is how a Georgia fan Is gonna get away with With burning the rambling wreck Right I was just trying to wash it With gasoline

It's America's water You heard him It's a wreck It was totaled anyway You can't sue it's true it's right there in the name be false advertising if it was drivable or had value your honor

that's a nuisance now if you'll excuse me I have to go I have to go put a TV on the back of my Hummer and show people the Rose Bowl and then and then drive it around with the advertise here

like that isn't like that isn't the most horrifying and dangerous thing ever it could be worse you could be washing the Hummer and gasoline it could be on the front is it going to be strapped to the windshield, right? He could be on the front.

The Hummers barrel down on you with, yeah. Come to Ed Boyle's Honda for a car that's not this Hummer. Oh shit, I better do it. If you're even for a second unclear what we're talking about, remember there was a Georgia fan who had a yellow H2, I believe, with a full flat screen TV on the back driving around Atlanta, showing the Rose Bowl between Georgia and Oklahoma, which we're duty-bound to say as SEC Hawks that, yeah, Georgia won that. They did.

Then they went to the national playoff title game, whatever, the college football playoff title game. And how's that go for them? Well, the SEC won that one, too. Yep. They led most of it. They led a lot of it. They have the lead.

They were winning. That's true. They were ahead or tied for at the start of every play in the game. Champions in most of regulation. Sure, and time is a human construct. So really, they lost to humans and not to the Lord. That is true. Gentlemen, this is a slow week again because we're stuck here in the spring.

And there's really not a lot going on. Like, seriously, if you go and look at like, oh man what's coming down the college football wire nothing you can sum it up with this UCF and Bama's ADs are talking women's in IT shit at each other yeah yeah that's that's how that's how desperate this is right because this is you know the season of Nance the portion of the calendar that belongs to Jim Nance right you have the NFL playoffs which are followed up by March Madness which is followed up by the Masters at no point is Jim Nance any more powerful than it is this year peaking at the Masters

where like the great receiver like the cerebro to his professor X he has magnified and made 20 times more powerful than any other Caucasian in his caucasity by just soaking up all of that tradition I hope there's another event he calls like that we don't like it's like oh he does the French adult film awards wow did not know that yeah He does the week before the Masters. If you had to make up a fictional name for the French Adult Film Awards, what would it be? The parapleuie. Alternatively, when is the point in the sports calendar when Jim Nance's powers are at their lowest?

Let's see. It would have to be, let's see, probably. NBA finals. That's pretty low. It's got to be pretty far away from the Masters. and that's only a couple months ago. No, no, no, no, no. You're thinking of it the wrong way.

That's so far until the next masters. Because, you know, yeah, we haven't even planned the dinner yet. What it is is he blows his load at the Masters, and then he starts back at zero and has to build toward the next Masters. He is like the Phoenix. Once he reaches peak powers, he burst into flame and then must be reborn. So immediately after the Masters, he's taken out on a stretcher. with the mayonnaise

with the mayonnaise IV right they have to they have to put him in some sort of stasis for a while right rubbing the pimento

paddles against his chest clear apply it directly to the shirt his chest rejects it never touch his skin

can't touch a straight man's skin he'll freak out fill the back to take with just for men exactly the custom the custom oxfords

are part of his bio now that's just part of his biome you just have to put him in there he's more joseph a bank than man like like he would be caught dead in that mismeasured trash ryan ryan that's a clothing you and i can afford please come on please sorry good god have some respect for the man they'll arrest you if you step into the master's club he does he does were Joseph A banked to the pair of ploys, though, just to be clear. Well, you know, it's a more casual event.

That would be great if, like, Nance did disappear for three months and we find him on the other side of the world calling an entire, you're like, man, who's calling this free Lanko West Indies cricket match? Dear God! It'd be like something real wild. It'd be like Sevens rugby or something, but you're like, this is so soothing for some reason. Wait, damn it. Lance, you did it again.

He's calling an eye gouging unlike any other. Yeah. He's calling Tonga, South Africa? What? Yeah, it's just on the other side of the world with like a slightly adopted Aussie accent, right? Because he's now just like, that's his like

healing mode. He has to go to the other side of the world. And then he comes back and slowly grows into strength until he reaches his like March Madness Masters peak again. Right? And in the meantime, I don't know. He's just chilling out at like men's clubs. I don't know who goes to men's clubs anymore, right? like the men's club of the men's club of Chicago Nance is just there except in awards

That's all he does Just goes around gets a rubber chicken gets an award Gets a tailored shirt and goes You know I like guys who do things the right way Holy shit It's amazing The ghost of Curly Lambeau

punched me in the solar plexus the other day Why don't we talk about Old, old guys Whole room full guys It's a great thing. So our list of topics, they're rather scanty. Fortunately, Ryan has decided on the solution for that. Ryan, would you tell them about our advanced hacking technology?

So two off-seasons ago, we employed the use of randomizer technology, TM, TM, to decide which teams we were going to preview when. we decided to expand on randomizer technology and use it for deep off-season studies. And we foolishly turned that technology over to you, our listeners. We let you give us one, if you wanted, non-sports, non-football thing to talk about, and one football thing to talk about. And we let the computer do its thing. We do have veto power. so some of these we're not going to talk about the one somebody wants to know about emo bands Spencer do you have anything to say about emo bands no Jason do you have anything to say about

emo bands um I like Kanye's emo album there we go that's the segment on emo bands we're sorry but this same person at Eric Seeds on Twitter also wants us to talk about skip holts succeeding Nick Saban at Alabama. We can talk, absolutely. The randomizer says we should talk about it, so we will, unless we don't want to. No, I'm going to pick that one up. Let's pick, I mean, I'm going to pick that up.

You put it down, Eric, we're going to pick it up. You want to talk about Skip Holtz's Nick Saban's successor? Oh, I'm all too happy to do that. I actually think kind of an okay idea, not the best idea, but for a successor, what you want is a flunky. You want somebody who's going to be replaceable. You want somebody who's been fired before. want somebody who really doesn't have a whole lot to lose in this, because typically when

somebody is replacing a legend and they hire somebody who is, I don't know, first-time person or somebody who's coming in from outside of the usual circle of things, people tend to get a little uneasy. They tend to go, hey, hey, hey, hey, you're clearly not that guy. If you hire Skip Holtz, we know what the deal is, right? Has he been fired before? Yeah, buddy. He's been fired big time. A couple of times. Has he turned programs around theoretically so that it's, I don't know, is it maybe possible that he could do a decent job for a couple of years? Sure. Although, would you like to make a list of the coaches who could do a pretty good job for like two years after Nick Saban retires just with that talent and just kind of hitting autopilot? That's a pretty

long list. So yeah, I don't know. It's a terrible idea, but it's a workable, terrible idea. Because when you get rid of him, it's no loss. You knew that it was going to happen. Let's compare them side by side. Nick Saban succeeded at an underachieving Louisiana program before he took the Bama job. Skip Holtz, same thing. Check, check. Nick Sabin, deep big 10 roots.

Skip Holtz, coached at Yukon, basically the same thing. Like, Nick Sabin, no meaningful NFL success. Skip Holtz. Never coached in the NFL at all, in some ways better, arguably wasn't tempted. Skip Holtz has never been tempted by the Siren song of the NFL. Nick Saban, he's a weaker man. So I think really in some weird way, you're leveling up. Let's also keep in mind that both of these coaches Sabin and Holtz are sons of men named Lou.

So technically, technically, technically, technically, Nick Sabin's dad was Nicholas Lou Saban, and technically Nick Saban's name is Nicholas Lou Saban, Jr. The other Lou Saban is a, the Lou Saban, who is a coach, is considered a second cousin, according to the wiki. Ah. But both sons of men named Lou, I stand by my statement. That's your debut novel, a Cormick-McCarthy-esque ramble through the spine of the Appalachians, as told through football, starvation, and post-devil. apocalyptic visions, that would be Sons of Men Name Lou by Jason Kirk, available. Is that a penguin?

Don't you get in with Harcorp? With Lou anywhere in their name. Sons of Lunarkey. There it is. Signs of, I'm learning, I'm learning things tonight. I did not, I did not know that his middle name was also Lou. That's what Wiki says, and it's never wrong.

And Skip Holtz's first name is Lou. And his middle name is Skip. No, we've talked about this. His middle name is Leo because he could have been L.L. Holtz. L.L. Holtz. The most uncomfortable brand of men's clothing available on the market today. L.L. Holtz. The only rapper Jim Nance likes.

L.L. Holtz. The only rapper. L.L. Warm Holtz. Oh, God. Wormholtz would be an amazing name. L. L. Wormholt. Wormholtz You know, old wormholes

It's good He'd be like the Strength and Conditioning Coach That you hired before That actually knew what Strength and Conditioning was, right? Like Strength and Conditioning Tips of the 1950s, right? Rub a poultice on it. What's the poultice made of? Chewing tobacco plaster newspaper.

Just put it right there on the bullet wound. It'll pull it right out. Imagine how good coach Wormhole would be at recruiting. It's like, oh, there's this five star in California but that's pretty far from a... Not for Coach Wormhole. He'll just bend space time and he'll be there in three seconds. It'll freak the kid out.

Oh, he committed to USC. In one reality, he did. Not this one. I mean, here comes Coach Wormhole and Matthew McConaughey. There's a possibility, though, that you mess up. You come back and they recruit is 48 years old, right? No.

Oh, yeah. You got to figure it out. Yeah. Yeah, that happens at Bama. You know, every time when Bama has some linebacker, We're like, man, he looks like he has three kids. That's the wormhole. Did we figure this out?

Is this how a saving thing? That's how he's doing it. Skip Holtz will do it better. I'm sorry. It's the original A. Sean Robinson. You're like, man, that guy looks like somebody I knew in Philly in 1981. That was a nine-year-old that they took through the wormhole. He just stayed in there a little too long.

Nick Sabin's going back in time to meet people who made the wrong. decisions about their athletic career right like in some past in 1982 a sean robinson is like about to go you know i love football but i really want to serve my country and join the army and nick saybans like you need to rethink that sun oh my god quantum toss sweep that's what we call you can come with me to the year 2013 i'm going to make amazing things happen for you will i serve my country in a way you're a magical man is that why you're short Yes, all magical men are short. In the future, everyone is my size, so you'll look even bigger.

You can take everyone's food. All right, I want to try something. Spencer, I want you to pick a college football media member based in the Southeast of your choice. I want you to pick that person in your head right now, okay? Okay, okay. Now, I'm going to give you this scenario, and you're going to tell me, your reaction to it as that media member, okay? Okay.

All right, it's, let's say it's July. Emergency press conference at the University of Alabama. Nick Saban announces he's stepping down for, you know, family reasons or whatever, the Bob Stoops thing. And Skip Holtz is getting the job. Go. Oh, hello, this is Marty Smith, ESPN, and I'm on this story like a spider monkey. Just on it. That'd be, that'd be, Marty Smith wouldn't even be at the podium.

asking questions, right? He would, like, be in the pocket. He would be on the back, right? Like, tell us a little more, Skip. Just got there. What'd you do? Crawled, crawled the vents of the building and just repelled down onto his back. I've interspaced myself into Skibholtz's body. That's what he would. He would have interspaced into it, right? Like, I got to tell you, for all the concerned fans here, the man's gall bladder is like cleaner than a Roman bath. It's amazing. So, yeah, that's, that, that would be who it would be, Marty Smith, and he would be actually inside Skip Holtz giving updates on his health and conditions. Checking his plaque.

Like heart teeth. Ant Man. Yes, exactly like Ant Man. First thing I noticed about this guy, he's got stones. I mean, kidney stones. Those are going to hurt. He's going to have to pass. That's right, Bama fans.

He's going to have to pass. Ooh, passing. That sounds uncomfortable. Indeed, it does. Yeah, passing won't win a championship. Oh, away. Oh, way. Oh, way.

But, yeah, that would be. that would be my guess as to how they would react to a skipholz. By the way, like you know, the way that, I don't know if you've seen the death of Stalin. It's like a movie coming out about, you know, when Stalin finally kicked it and how terrifying that was for everybody.

At least like, you know, outs inside the Soviet Union. The, I think that's how people would love to report on like Nick Savans' Health in Alabama if you could, right? How's his teeth? His teeth are flawless. They're powerful.

They're ready to tear into victory yet again. Like, that's how people would follow. Like, that's why Marty Smith could go inner space if you wanted to on skip hold. I'm trying to remember, all right, do you remember who all of the coaches were the last time Alabama, in the SEC, that is, the last time Alabama did not have Nick Saban as the head coach. So this would have been the 2006 regular season. Yes. How many, how many you think you can do off the dome here? I, I, I bet you can get at least 11. Okay.

So what am I answering again, the coaches that they face? Yeah, just how many coaches? Who were the coaches in the SEC in 2006 the last time that there was a non-Nick Saban in the Alabama coach's chair? Okay. And I get first shot at it, not Jason? Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead and ping pong it, yep. Okay. Yeah, we'll ping pong it just to see if Jason.

Jason, I'll go first. Urban Meyer, right? Yeah. Phil Fulmer Correct Man, that feels so long ago So long ago Why, he's still in charge of Tennessee

Yeah Let's see, 2006 Steve Spurier Correct Mark Wright Correct Mm-hmm Let's see

2006 Rich Brooks Yes, very good Less Miles Mm-hmm Jason's picking off the easy fruit. I respect it. No, no, no.

He's getting the good ones. That's fine. Let's see. Houston Dale Nut. Where, though? You need to where. Man, this is so close to, like, the home of Los Chronicus. But I believe in 2006, you're still at Arkansas, correct?

That is correct. All right. Ed Ogeron. I was going to say, we just filled in another one, right? Yep, yep, yep, yep. Are we in the Sylvester Croom phase at Mississippi State there? Sylvester Crom goes three and nine this year. That's Mississippi State.

Mm-hmm, correct. Go ahead, Jason. So I believe Vanderbilt still had a program at the time. Was this OG Bobby Johnson? This was Bobby Johnson. Mm-hmm. Tommy Tuberville? Tommy Tuberville.

I believe you all have named all. Yeah, I think that's all of them, with the exception of Alabama's head coach. Mike Shula, but who coached the bowl game, bum, bum, bum. What for Mike? Oh, that would be Joe Kines. Yep, there you go. Joe Kines, the father of the inside trout himself. Joe Kahn's.

Lost the Independence Bowl. Um, let's go to the next randomizer topic. I'm going to go with this one. This is from Calvin. We need a randomizer sound of fake. Yeah, we'll, yeah, we'll add it all in post. Speaking of, we're going to get back to, um, press your luck. But we'll talk about that.

I'm probably on another podcast. What's the dumbest thing your kids did this past week? Ooh, well, that's Jason's kid's pretty smart. She doesn't do a lot of, she doesn't do a lot of dumb. thing. So your answer's, your answer's going to suck because she's smart and she's a girl. Yeah. Well, no, I want to, I want to explore

that. What is, so, like, accepting that Jason's daughter is great, what's the dumbest thing she did in recent memory? I'm not being a smart ass by delaying. I'm just, you know, like, girls are just, like, they're, like, already humans. Meanwhile, Spencer's

on page 12, listing all his stuff. Like, she's just, she's just already, uh, she's already a human and boys are, they're wild animals until they're about 97. Um, they just get tired. Yeah. I mean, um, okay. I mean, it's really stupid stuff. Like, I had to remind her to feed her a rabbit. You know what I mean? It's like stupid shit like that. Yeah, that's pretty minor. Yeah. I'm, I'm excused because I have an 18 month old.

and at that age the problem she pooped the tub didn't she she has not pooped the tub in the last week if you make me stretch it beyond that yes she pooped in the tub okay yeah no that's that's fine that's that's pretty stupid yeah that said she's the problem with real little kids is that the quote unquote dumb things they do are actually very smart they're just incredibly dangerous it's the things that you're like oh you

learned how to turn on the oven by yourself that's very like you're showing problem solving an initiative and you're also going to burn your hand off so dumb is not the right thing there it's more just like what's the closest they came to death so looking at this list of things i have compiled that i forgot happened um over the past week because i write down the things that my kids say and i write down the things that they do that i find amusing all too often these are things that are dumb or just ill advised or or ignorant you know like kids don't know you have to teach them to be civilized particularly boys they don't they don't understand these things um let's see at 3 a.m. my son woke up up and said dad what my toe hurts make me up at 3 at 3 a.m and said my toe hurts and I was like well did you hurt it and goes no no no no no it just hurts and I asked him in the morning hey

does your toe still hurt and he goes what are you talking about it's like you woke me up last night and said your toe hurts he's like I didn't do that you're nuts your children are waging psychological war on you and they're totally winning

oh yeah and then for the younger one that's easier when we we were going into a bathroom where he said wisely with no prompting whatsoever, oh, I got to go to the bathroom, because I guess it just hit him all at once. Sponsored by Chipotle. He just had to go, so we ran to the bathroom, and he dropped his pants, which is funny enough. I'm like, you don't have to do that yet running across the bathroom and tried to back his butt up to a urinal to poop in it.

And I had to, I had to, I had to move real fast to stop this from happening. Was, was any part of you like, let's let this play out? No, no, no. Not a single part of me because I didn't want this to A, and this is why I know you don't have boys, you don't want this to happen again. And Casey's like, you know, that was refreshing. I want to do that again at the next bathroom.

That was easier. I prefer that method. He'd do it too. That's the thing. He's not, you know, he's my child. He's like, I really don't care how you did it. This is working for me, even if it's dumb. I'm outdoorsy now.

That's what that means. I'm social. Some of you go behind a door to do this, but I like to meet new people. I'm not ashamed. Yeah. Some of you are afraid to be primates. I like to be aware of my surroundings. I don't like to give my enemy a wall to hide behind behind.

I don't turn my back to the. door because I was smart. Also, all that water's there. You get the flush. Boom. Self-cleaning oven right there. It's just all. So, yeah, I wanted to prevent that from happening and prevent the employee who has to be told.

Because I have been on that end of the transaction as a service employee at one point in my life. I wanted to be the one. I don't want to be the one who is the cause of, oh, hey, hey, listen. I never believed this, but someone pooped in one of the urinals and, you know, you got to clean it up. I don't want to be that guy. I don't want to spread that evil for it because, you know, I worked in a movie theater. People get very creative. There's a lot of license being taken with the way that things are used at a movie theater.

And I didn't want to be the cause of that in any respect. So we immediately trundled him into a bathroom where he used it the way the queen and king intended good fine English plumbing to be used. Hell yes. Roll time. Yeah, I think it's important that everyone work in a service, retail, whatever kind of job at some point and have to clean a public bathroom once in your life because just once, just once, you'll have so much respect for people who work actual jobs that any time you go into any facility whatsoever, you treat it with the utmost respect.

Like, you know, in the movies where there's a scene where somebody's like, how did you shit on the root on the ceiling that's real i've seen that i've had to deal with that so like if you haven't you need to go get actual job just for one day you know and and and learn what it's like out here and then you know if everyone does that the world will be a better place if everyone has to clean shit off the ceiling just once and you worked at publics where yeah i worked i worked at the nice grocery store so you imagine what those folks at fucking ingles are dealing with yeah i mean i was at publics two weeks ago or so and i had to take again another child to the bathroom who suddenly had to go because they always have to go at places where i'm not real sure if the bathroom is clean right their timing is impeccable if you go past like if you go past like the nice shiny shiny this is a rule with children if you go past the really nice shiny QT or the racetrack right and the one that's got thousands of pumps and lights and 500 shiny you're a

holes for you know one for every man who wants to saddle in right you can you can shit in them we have so many that's right we wouldn't even find it for days that's how long like once we start once we finish cleaning them we got to go back and start it's like the golden gate bridge right so they'll pass that right they're like no I don't have to go and then if you find like like murals fossilized starving Marvin with the bathroom when you open the bathroom when you open the door you immediately smell ammonia and why like subsidized American like why corn subsidies are wrong right like if you open it up and you're like oh American agriculture policy is horrible

right like that kind of bathroom where the not only is the bathroom outside it's behind it's in an alley the key to get in they they hand you a wooden block and it's like not entirely it's got a metal door it's like it's like a it's like a it's like a a tetris block you don't want it's like oh that one it's a block that It's not metal. It's organic. Like someone wipe their ass and then touch this wooden object that you're now holding. It might have been metal once, but it's not anymore.

It's usually the bathroom that has my favorite combination, which is the men's bathroom with the freestanding urinal and toilet two inches away. So presumably, if you and your friend both had an emergency, you could go in and have the worst, most awkward two minutes of your life so that you could pee right by your friend's head who is presumably shitting painfully next to you. So you can shit in the urinal and puke in the toilet. Yeah, yeah.

Well, isn't that the, like, isn't that the rowboat setting, right? Like, that's got to be in front of you. Yeah, we call that the crashing of the Hindenburg. So my kid picks this one, right? In this case, it is the public's bathroom that I'm not sure is clean at the not-so-nice public. So we go in and I hear somebody going through something horrible and emotionally scarring and you're like a stall, two stalls away. And at one point, while my kid's going, what is wrong with that man? And you're like, please don't say this out loud.

I don't want to have this experience. You need to stop asking this question right now. I will tell you anything you want to hear about. Do you want to talk about, do you want to talk about, do you want to talk about how mommy, daddy killed a guy once? What? Like, just anything to get this child's mind off of what's happening, right? And the guy goes, which is just awful. Like, that's bad because the kid's not going to turn that down, right?

The kid's like, is he in trouble? Dad, Dad, Ballou needs help. Just, no, just stop. You're like, I've seen this episode of Paul Patrol. We need to call the crew. Like, yeah, like, you're just like, no, please God, just no. Here, I'll tell you, do you want a toy? I'll buy you anything you want.

Do you want a gun? You're eight. Let's get you a gun. That'd be great. Let's get you a firearm. Wouldn't that be exciting? Dad, I think he's in pain. And you're just like, I don't want this entire experience to be happening right now.

And I think I've got him almost out of there and done. And we're about to like wash hands and get out of there. And I hear the guy in the stall go, I just wish it would end. He's like, what is he? What? And I'm just, God. Just, please, no. Just at that point, you just pick the child up bodily and run out of there before, I don't know.

There's a dialogue between the door, between this man who's going through the seventh level of, like, Dante's Inferno passing through his gastroattestinal system. And my very curious child who wants to understand everything that's happening, right? Dad, we got to get in there. We've talked about kids and pooping for like 10 minutes. This is amazing. Just be like, son, we're going to go home and watch Alien. And then you're going to learn that, no, we don't go in there. Dad, you cause a diversion.

I'll crawl under the door. You missed a teachable moment opportunity here. Because when that's happening, and you're just like, just don't talk about it. No, please don't acknowledge. Just look him dead in the eye and be like, he didn't listen to his mother. His mother told him to clean up his toys, and he didn't. Well, yeah, but then if I'd said that in the room, he'd be like, You don't know my mother.

My room is spotless. She's a lovely woman. Who's your mama? Like kids would do that, right? They would. Like if Jason comes out of the lake on Friday the 13th and says, this is all my mother's fault, a kid would be like, tell me about it.

I want to hear about that. That'd be great. Before we stop talking about children and feces, I do want to ask if you two have ever encountered the, subset of human male, who is a father or is about to be a father, who says the following, I don't change diapers. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Who are these assholes? Who are these unrepentant scumbags? Where do they come from? Weeklings. There's this breed of masculinity where it's based around being as delicate as you can, you know? like it's manly to be like I can't handle the stink

like if you're a tough guy you're like nah that doesn't bother me break it on do your worst kid you know I don't care eat green beans all day I don't care emergency tracheotomy that's women's work something gross and nasty

not me I only deal with lilac lilacs and periwinkles I don't know that's that brand of being a dude where it involves doing as little cool as possible, like doing as few good things as possible, right? Like, there's a brand of dude who's like, when you're like, oh, yeah, man, I don't know.

I go to the gym. The gym? Yeah, I don't know who does that. This is the Han Solo who doesn't come back to the death star. He's like, yeah, I got paid. Imagine how different that movie would be. well that's the end of the show final 20 minutes

is just Han paying debts it just flies back to Java pays them off turns on TV oh para pluis are on I love these turns on TV and sees oh plants are blowing up left and right at least this one isn't that'd be awesome

then the next two movies are just Han making money making money and like that's it just the next like like that's it there's no challenge whatsoever you're just like man I didn't know

if Han was going to pull off that lucrative swindle but he did he goes legit he becomes a courier and so you know who ends up best in all this

lando lando's still just like city administrator doing fine got his low bot friend they're just hanging out nobody's getting dismembered

nobody's crashing the party Oh man, Landau's life is so much better I always imagine Lobot is like the ditty of his era Right He's just standing behind Lando like Yeah Uh huh Let's hear it

Come on Let me feel the beat presses a couple of buttons in his ear Murder somebody Shined at it Ha ha ha ha Are we going to We're going to tackle another random

We can decide to accept or deny the topic that the randomizer is given us? Yeah, the randomizer is not perfect. No. So I was going to go through, let's see, man buns and why they are garbage. I kind of want to like half pick this one up and just say, I don't have no problem with any of your hairstyles. I have definite opinions about facial hair.

However, if the man bun is what makes you work and it gets like hair out of your eyes and that's your thing, and you have long, beautiful hair, which you know if you have long beautiful hair out there men who are listening to this treasure it enjoy it you know you might not have it forever and if you don't and if you do have it forever by all means keep it long there's a certain point where you know it's going to really start working globally but individually is really what you want are you happy with it are you happy with your man bun can you put on like in football terms really the only drawback to a man bun is whether your helmet can fit up right that's it otherwise i have no problem yeah i think

the world is plenty full of opinions on man buns i i i don't i don't need to have one they're not white dudes with dreads that's the important thing every man think of it that way and your perspective will totally change every man you see with a man bun is a white dude who doesn't have dreads and and therefore even if he hasn't taken a path you like he's taken a better path than he could have so let's celebrate that success he didn't shit in the urinal. There's only one white man who should ever have dreads. And that is Troy University's own Bear Woods, the linebacker for Troy who had a big old set of dreadlocks and is I believe now playing in the CFL. Yeah, he's with he's with the Argonauts. And by the

way, a fine player with the Argonauts. He was an all-star. He's the 29th Avenger. And yes, He's the 29th. He kind of looks like the 29th Avenger, actually. Welcome to the Avengers. He kind of looks like Sabretooth. If Sabretooth went through like a serious like stoner period. The Canadian Avengers. Like there's all the sub-Avengers, the West Coast Avengers. Like Canada's Avengers, it's like two guys. Right. And they take turns because, you know,

your Avenger this week, I got the kids. I'll be Avenger next week. Cool? Great. Dude, that's alpha flight. Alpha flight were the Canadian adventures. I can't believe I know that. But yeah. Idiot. Idiot.

Just taking up time that I could have devoted to like, I don't know. Well, no, I'm just frustrated because Jason and I were doing a thing because we knew Godfrey was going to listen and be screaming about it. But you had to step in and be all comics nerdy. Oh, I'm sorry. No, I'm sure Spencer still got something wrong there. Somewhere in those 10 words of something Godfrey can correct. Godfriel tweet. at us about it. I'm not worried.

Folks, if you're out there, tweet at 38 Godfrey to tell him that actually do this. Tweet at 38 Godfrey. Ask him what his favorite part of Black Panther was. Yeah, he loved it. He has really strong opinions about it, too.

Yeah, ask him why it's D.C.'s best movie yet. How about everyone out there tweet fake Black Panther spoilers at Godfrey? Yes. Make them pretty, make them pretty, outrageous and you know nothing that would have anything to do with actual spoilers what we're trying to say is our biggest nerd hasn't seen black panther yet because he's been busy in the wilderness of mississippi but just go ahead and tweet some really stupid fake spoilers don't even

tell him we saying you just you know we'll know it's working when he comes in and and into you know the company chat like why is everyone doing god damn it everybody's tweeting at me about black panther and we'll say i don't know why they would do that to you oh man i guess i guess i it was MgoBlog. I guess they got you, man. I think we can, we've processed man buns, and I feel pretty secure and happy about our answers with that. The next one to accept or reject would be

how Iowa football is a metaphor for the 2018 USA political climate. That's from Calvin. Calvin, I'm going to say now on this, just nah. No, here we go. Here we go. What a punt. Yeah, yeah. That's how we make it Iowa.

Punt. Punt. All right. Then let's do this one. Northwestern is, apparently, I haven't confirmed this is true. Advertising that they have the best home schedule in the country. And this is an excuse for when they go like three and nine or something. That's somebody else's prediction, not mine.

I already got bit very badly by Northwestern predictions last year. Home schedule for. The Northwestern Wildcats starts with Duke, followed by Akron, followed by Michigan. Then you've got Nebraska, Wisconsin, Notre Dame, Illinois. So that's four, four teams that would count as draws, I guess. That's pretty good. It's not bad. It could be worse.

I mean, the stadium would be full four times. Not of Northwestern fans, but it'll be full four times. No. No. And of the road games, I guess the Michigan State one, or maybe Iowa, are the only other ones that you might want to rather have as home games. Yeah, sure, man. I don't think, well, all right, we can still, how much are,

you guys keep talking. I'm going to find out how much Northwestern season tickets are going to cost me. all right in that in the light of in light of moving on and discussing that i do want three hundred fifteen dollars okay we're back are you kidding that i mean those are for good seats if i want like nosebleeds god i'm still paying 185 for the for the end zone you gotta be shitting me so how many so so is that 30 30 in change per ticket yes Okay, but you do that, and then you sell one to an Ohio State fan when they come through, and then a Notre Dame fan when they come.

Well, they're already there, but you can recoup that and see that Akron game for free. Isn't this premise on the idea that it will be hard for those people to get Northwestern tickets? Yeah, it'll be really hard because imagine you're an Ohio State fan trying to get a Northwestern game. You can't find a ticket because Ohio State fans already bought them all. they're already seasoned ticket that is a thing Georgia Tech

that is an actual problem Georgia fans take the stadium over to such a degree that they have to try and find ways to keep Georgia fans

from buying Georgia Tech season tickets how on earth do they do that I forget I forget exactly what it is but math math test yeah that's a

it's a I'm not a robot captcha I'm not a robot captcha here solve this extremely simple trigonometry problem yeah I'm out

it's it's a it's a capture where you have to click I am a robot damn it's more expensive to buy Rutgers season tickets fuck man that's a harsh life

and I having been to Rutgers Stadium no nope nope nope I do like all right

I will say this for Rutgers though on their on their ticket site they have you know a menu bar across the top which is like buy tickets and blah-b-de-blah and then for ticket and parking info the number one pull down ticket transfer how-to i appreciate that ruckers is like yep you accidentally bought these and you need to get rid of them how we're here to help we promise there should there should be something like where you know if you give it to a child for their first experience you know Maybe you get like a tax rebate on that in Jersey. Yeah, I'm just thinking that's probably actionable as like an act of like at least child neglect to take a child to a Rutgers game. It's suspicious. You're definitely going to get a call from a copse if like a seven-year-old comes on.

It's like, mom, a stranger gave me Rutgers tickets. Be like, wary of him. I think the only people you should give. You should give Rutgers tickets to like sociologists, you know, so they can study like, what is this that's happening here? Let me observe. There are like 300 people in this building, and 40 of them are trying to kill each other on the field. Let me just study all this. We're all fairly decently, like, traveled at this point in terms of watching games in different places, right?

So you more so than me for sure. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. We'll see. But, you know, what's the worst environment that you've watched a game at, at the college level? because I know like NFL's got some very bad user experiences but what's the worst place that you've watched a game where you go ah just nah like I mean average out for weather and whether the team sucked or was good because when the team sucks the environment's not exactly the best right so average that out and just go yeah this is like the most lackluster that I've been to um this probably isn't fair but like some of the USF games that I went to when I was younger uh when they play at uh raymond james the buck stadium like that is that just it feels so it definitely feels like hey dad said we could borrow the garage

dad said we can have band practice in the basement as long as we don't plug in the amps that's dismal that's bad you know because i because i mean that's hard to say because sometimes you go to places and like if the team stinks or if they're going through a hard time or there was just a bad loss. Like, I went to Boise, and Boise's fine, but I went to the game after they lost to Nevada, right? The Colin Kaepernick Nevada team that beat them

and screwed up their line at, I don't know, an outside shot at a national title or an undefeated season. Yeah, I went to the week after that, and those were some very sad, cold people. Like, very sad, very cold. I would like to go back because it was a fine experience, but I got some really, like,

There's just kind of a vibe of like, disappointment. So I would like to go back because that really wasn't completely ideal. I will, I know which one is the most overrated. Oh, God. Well, and I think you, I think you, I think you,

I think you do too. If we're, if we're being super honest about it. Yeah. Yeah. And that's Notre Dame. It's a deeply overrated state experience. Oh, okay. Interesting. I, that's not where I thought you were going to go. Um, my nipples are hard.

obviously but I thought you were going to say Tennessee and I thought you were trying to get killed no no I mean when that's live that's live Tennessee is a actual good solid game experience it can be

it can be Tennessee but it's still a good stadium experience right like it's loud it's everything that you want it to be right but it's Notre Dame Notre Dame is just I don't know, man.

I don't know. Like, there's just so much, there's so much grumpy old Midwesterness involved there. Like, I went to Michigan, and Michigan was, like, good. Michigan was also kind of horrified because it was that Penn State game where everyone just forgot how to play offense.

Like, they forgot simple things like, do we use our hands? Like, that kind of bad, you know, like negative offense kind of Big Ten game, as opposed to the way a negative offense SEC game works. Yeah, they just weren't happy, but that was still a pretty good game experience when you sorted out. Notre Dame, I don't know. It's just kind of a confusing experience. You know, they sit, they don't really yell. There's not a lot of energy. The student section

rules. Everyone else, everyone else, y'all need to get to work. All right, let me ask you this then. So our co-worker Charlotte Wilder, recent devotee of college football, went to college at, I think, University of Maine, like, sure, they beat Mississippi. They beat Mississippi State. Am I getting that right? Yes, they did. They beat Mississippi State in the year that Sylvester Crum lost his job. She asked, a number of weeks back, like, if she were to go to one game this season, what game should she pick? And I know I'm putting you on the spot a little here because you got to know, like, who's playing, who, where, and whatever. But if you were just to say go to this stadium in this general time frame for this general like where are you sending

somebody like Charlotte to say here is your first here here is the the green circle hill on the college football ski slope where are we starting well I have to make sure that it's all right and together but I believe yeah that would be Alabama at LSU that's where we're starting yeah no i mean that's what you want one game to go to right yeah but ryan said it's starting it off starting it off gentle jennel well i mean

i mean that's double blacked i'm not saying you have to say like okay go to a yukon game have fun um but like bam lSC all right sure i mean god damn no man i'm not i'm not in for this beginner stuff you know what's the what's the worst that's going to happen what if we're talking about like a five loss LSU by that point do you know how dangerous you this scenario you're sending her into is even worse what if they're undefeated I feel like Bama LSU was the answer for like three or four

five years there but at this point like LSU fans aren't they just approaching that with like deep deep dread and I mean what what is it like yeah it'll be loud it'll be on On Thursday, yeah. On Thursday, that's the feeling, right? By Saturday is all that's fixed. By Saturday, it's like, poo, we got you, sons of bitches. That's my guess. Like, if you want to just, you know, I don't know about this easing in thing, you know?

Well, just like, what's a more, like, you've never done this before. We want to give you a full taste of the experience, but maybe less of, like, a stranger will curse you out and offer you. an unidentifiable meat product just go just go with um uh alternate universe ls u just go with wisconsin right that's that's actually a very good choice like it's it's just the it's it's the wisconsin where they don't eat you yeah let's let's you want to ease you in we'll give you it like we'll give this why don't you want that very few people actually get to do right out of region why don't opening weekend this happens this year Auburn plays at Washington there that's that's a nice that's Pack 12 it's not going to rough you up too bad

it's not going to be too hot it's a beautiful setting beautiful stadium Washington's really good so and Auburn is Auburn depending on the week could be really good right I don't know how they transport across country I don't know the food rules on an Auburn isn't that game here is it here did they come all the way here yeah I think so I always forget are we doing a neutral site there oh don't do that then yeah I don't know go to a pack go to a pack 12 game just start off gentle they're not gonna go to like an organ game go to a wazoo game go to a wazoo game no no what are you doing go to the peluse don't do that we were joking don't actually go to like arizona state

either because i don't know her man was just there there's no telling what that's what that game's gonna do i'm gonna laugh my ass off when they win nine games this year you know oh shit You know, I want them to. I mean, what will probably happen is that I just see that as like maybe Herm comes out on fire, right? Like, oh, man, Herm won 10 games. And then next year it's like, Herm won two games. Wow. If Herm wins 10 games, then he's right back in the league.

Pack 12 South Champion. We did a business. Look, everybody. The question here is this. It'll be our final one tonight. It'll be the six-week squat every-day program. that caused that guy to not be able to sleep or be a person. Oh, my

friends, let me introduce you to one of the internet's most hilarious fitness articles of all time. That would be on Teen Nation by a guy named Matthew Bertrand in 2013. And I will just share with you a couple of things. This is a squatting

program that he was told to do by somebody. And let me tell you, in pursuit of a 600 pound squat, here's everything that he had to do for this program. I will happily link this and share you because I'm guaranteed like 30% of you will find this funny. That's it.

The 30% of you who find this funny will cry laughing like I read the first time because I'm a terrible human and I like people who put themselves to extremes that are, I don't know, we'll just, you can judge for yourself when I start to do this. You're going to squat every single day doing this plan except Sunday. I don't know why you bother to do that and then skip Sunday because it's not going to help you it's not going to help you recover it's not, that's just, that's a day of reflection for the pain you're in, right?

Also, you're not allowed to stretch, do any sort of warm up besides squatting. You can't foam roll either. You can't do anything to do this. I quote, my entire left leg went into a spasm and I could hardly straighten it, so I limped when I walked. Both knees were sore to the touch.

If you blew on them, I'd flinch. Even sleeping was a nightmare. I couldn't put my arms in any position that was comfortable. Looking back, I have no idea why I stuck with the program. I would put the bar on my back and let it push me down far enough to get depth. That's it. My leg never stopped hurting. I just kept going.

That's, yeah. Oh, I'll keep going. going this is amazing it's my favorite it's my favorite ever because this man is an idiot at night at the time i was doing physical labor so i wound up taking naps on customers couches when they weren't home so this dude is like breaking and entering basically to do his job just wake home you just get home and find this guy asleep in your couch and you're like what the fuck dude like comcast guy or whatever he was doing and he'd be like oh my god his leg's twitching like crazy don't touch Can you bleed through your skin?

Because it looks like you're bleeding through your skin. Then looking at a flight of stairs would give me anxiety attacks. Then here's everything that he said, okay? Which was in order to do this well. Because he details it and it's absolutely insane. The Sunday routine is listed as this. Lie in bed all day, preferably in fetal position. that's great that's great week six is called do whatever you want but just keep squatting the tips though are really where this goes from horrifying to the sublime okay the tips for getting through this program stay away from anyone who's been trained to be a chiropractor massage therapist ar t practitioner anything of the sort i had a physiotherapist tell me all the ways i could injure myself i just ignored her and was fine okay buddy stay away from negative

People. That's how we got to the moon. People said, oh, that rocket's going to blow up. We said, shut up. We're America. I only told positive people what I was doing. I only shared my news with idiots. Be prepared to be in pain all day, every day.

Great. Go Gators. Be prepared to realize that pain is protection, and if you stay tight, you'll be fine. 99% of injuries come from someone going loose. What? What? Share to Facebook. Be prepared to see pain in a whole new light.

Anyway, yeah, I'll share that. I don't think you should do this. I would not do it. I like the part where he says his posture got better, and he theorizes that like he turned his muscles into a full body cast and they sort of like fixed his back it's very bad signs what i wasn't expecting was the radical change in my posture at 27 i was now an inch taller than i was at 24 my shoulders were pinned back my neck was straight what i think happened was that my muscles basically turned into a quote cast unquote and my spine straightened itself out yeah like rigor mortis Like you were dead Alternatively, your soul is trying to rip itself from your body Get me the fuck out of here

Yeah, he also swears that every other lift went up Despite the fact that he was just squatting Which I kind of believe because the body was probably like Oh God, something different than God Yeah, so that's how much I want to talk about that Because yeah, Matthew Bertrand, you're a legend absolute internet legend even if you didn't do this

even if you were just like I'm gonna write some shit up and see if somebody will do it these idiots he's probably a strength coach at an SEC school let's see insanely stupid

demanding doesn't believe pain exists um let's see like it doesn't believe in negative people are asking doctors about anything

Will Must Champ is hiring Go Cox