Shutdown Fullcast - Shutdown Fullcast 8.13: Free Legal Advice (That We Specifically Insist You Ignore)

Episode Date: April 17, 2018

How can you secede from your HOA? What coach is best suited to represent himself? How do you safely and responsibly turn in the pygmy hippo you bought online not realizing that it would still grow to 500 pounds? Where will Spencer get his newest Michigan tattoo? Why is the NCAA? These pressing legal matters are well, no, not answered, but generally talked about and around on this LEGAL EAGLES episode of the Shutdown Fullcast, which is NOT brought to you by Cheez-It. Cheez-It: They Think You Look Fat In That Shirt. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

welcome to the shutdown forecast oh my goodness man we we've we've had we've had quite the week we really already have i mean even even in this extremely desolate stretch of the college football schedule um you know our fake news is real and our real news is fake okay the fake news being that uh they're spring ball yay boo silence nobody really cares yeah um no further comment the real news being this that we have of all things a highly successful fundraiser that's right that's right the final total for the edysbS fundraiser and man i don't ever want to have another one because of the title we ended up with okay like the total uh that the commentary it managed to pull together, $69,000, and $0.69.69. Raised for new American

pathways. I ask you, is that a phenomenal total? Yeah. Yeah, that's a really great total. It's a record. So I thank every single one of you for donating to my favorite refugee service organization. I am beyond chuffed, beyond pleased with the effort. I will also state, I want to, ask both Jason and Ryan, which school gets credit for rounding off the total at the bell to the grand total of $69,069. So who had the last donation? Yeah, what school did that? Hmm.

Just guess. Just guess. Like, I'm going to guess. I hope it's Arizona State. Jason? That's a pretty mathematical number, and I know Georgia Tech had to put a lot of money in this. So let's play the odds. Go tech. Mm-hmm. You played the odds. And Ryan played what seemed spiritually correct. And I will tell you that Ryan is right. Yes. It was an Arizona State grad who took us to the $69,069 and $69. Which I ask you, why then? Should you not consider Arizona State? Yeah, I already went to undergrad. Who cares? Just go again. Just pick it back up. yeah it's like uh it's like a yeah it's like a roller coaster just be like hey gonna get back in line can i get back in like can i go on arizona state again yeah man everybody can go back and give a second undergrad degree especially if it's arizona state because you know what chances are if you went to

like you know some extremely expensive northeastern private school you didn't do college right anyway you gotta go back and do it again and you know where you can do it right Arizona state Tampa, Arizona. Even if you already went to Arizona State once. And you're like, oh, man, I threw up. Can I go again? Yeah, man, everybody throws up on Arizona State. It's fine.

So what's the most Arizona State degree? Criminal justice. Turf grass. Turf grass marketing. Criminal turf grass. All right. So you're like, I already got a criminal turf grass degree, but I don't really want any other degrees.

Bro, go back there and get us. second criminal turf grass grass. Golf course investigations, yep. You mean like, you mean like a master's in swimming pool accounting? No, I mean a second undergrad in swimming pool accounting.

This is strictly for manslaughter committed on putt putt courses. I have, I have an MBA, but it's only limited to suntan facilities. Yeah. Point being, thank you, Arizona State. Not only did you

cap off. donations. You did so in a manner which I think is spiritually correct. Spiritually correct, apt, well done all around. The winner this year, we typically managed to score everything by school and make our donations

themed and then traditionally there's some sort of payoff. Yeah, the payoff again, it's Michigan. Michigan. Michigan wins for like, I think this is the 60 year in a row. Maybe 7th. I don't know. There's a lot of years. I lose track of them. But, But on the whole, what this means is that Michigan gets to, again, adorn my beautiful kettlebell-shaped body with a tattoo. Can I ask a question?

Yes, a tattoo. Yeah. I know you've, I know you're in the process of figuring out what the tattoo will be. And I don't want to know that, in part because this is a podcast, not an inherently visual medium. But where is the tattoo going to go? I think it's a back. I think we're doing a back shoulder throw here. Okay.

I think it's going back. The same, is it the same shoulder that Totoro is on? No. Now, if you don't know, I have a tattoo of Totoro from the Hayao Miyazaki classic. It's pronounced Totoro. Totoro. I have a Totoro on my right shoulder that is on his big fuzzy belly. He has a Michigan M.

And that was because I was given latitude. that's the deal. I'm given a wide berth in picking what the themed tattoo is going to be. So I picked Toto, because I knew his adorable belly would be big enough to put a Michigan M-on. So I did that.

And this year it'll probably be the other side, as what I imagine. It'll be over on the left shoulder. Either left shoulder or left shoulder blade, depending on how good it looks. Do I have a design picked out? Yeah, man. Can you get Captain Murphy from C-Lab wearing Beauchampbeckler, Shades, and Hat?

You know, I could. I think that'd be a terrible idea, but I could. Isn't that the point? Yeah, what's wrong with you? Can you put it on the right shoulder, though? Because, like, we really got to work on an entire overflowing sleeve here of just Michigan stuff. Right. It's just like a cavalcade of Michigan-themed fictional characters on my shoulder.

Yeah. They should meet, like, I really should, for thematic sake, you know, put an Ohio State sleeve on the left. But they ain't give enough money to do that, did they? Okay. No. New idea. This is kind of two tattoos, but I want you to stay with me. Left-ass cheek leaders, right-ass-cheek best.

I already have that. Too late. Too late. I already got it. Sorry. What if you get on your naked torso a life-size replica of Jim Harbaugh's naked torso. Wow. You know like a muscle shirt.

Yeah. But without any muscle. A Horbaugh muscle shirt. Sculted from milk and push-ups. You have to line your nipples up, though. Man, life's hard enough for my wife. wife anyway. I agree. I agree. I mean, she's got to wake up to me, right? And that's what she would see every single day. Divorce laws have been greatly liberalized. She doesn't have to.

That's a compliment to you. She chooses to. You know what? That's not making, it's not helping anyone here, actually. I do, I do, I suggested this privately, but I do sincerely want to. to attempt to record a forecast episode while you're getting the tattoo. Okay, we can do that. I will be getting it on Thursday, April 26th. Okay. At only you tattoo. Bonus episode.

Do you have a time picked out here? I do. I do. It's going to be at about 2 p.m. So I have a lady. Because I was hoping you were doing it during the first round of the NFL draft. Like, nope, no. Uh, it will be, it'll be 2 p.m.

It'll be during, uh, it'll be during business hours for everybody. You know, because the first round of the NFL draft, Michigan didn't really have a whole I'll have, I'll have you know, I picked, I picked my tattoo artist, uh, strictly based on one, she could do the tattoo, um, which was by theme correct, right? And two, um, she could also, um, she also has the thickest accent in the shop. So that really helped too. Like, you know, I, I definitely, I definitely, I definitely, um, she could also. do pick my tattoo artist by accent.

You know those draft picks who don't go to the draft, but they're, like, ESPN or whoever sets up a camera to be like, here they are, watching with their family and eating chips or whatever. I do think it would be good if one of them, like, just got in a tattoo chair and just waited

and was just like, the minute I get picked, put the team logo, just go to town. Here I am. I'm a jet. Mostly because there's a good chance they'd be like halfway into it and be like, ah, they traded the They traded the pick Can you turn a Viking into a stealer?

You're a Vram now. Vram! Go Brams! You are now Eli Manning. I mean, isn't that like who, I can't remember who the recruit who had the Auburn tattoo

ended up going to Alabama was. Was it D-Liner? I might be mixing it up, but I think, I want to say it was D-Ly-Ly-Ly. Or was it landed Collins. Oh, wait. Yeah, wasn't it, Ruben Foster? Well, we've named at least three football

players, and you say this isn't a college football podcast. To be fair, we named all actual football players. No one from the movie Friday Night Lights or the TV show Friday Night Lights. I do want to, while we're on sort of tangentially the subject,

I do want to signpost, A.J. McCarran, signed with a new team this off season. This happened like weeks ago, but again, if you listen to this for sports news, you don't care. And that's good. That means that definitely on some NFL Sunday, we're going to get a like thoughtful two-minute piece on AJ McCarran's tattoo. And it's going to blow so many people's minds. It's great. No matter what I get, I can't ever get a tattoo as spectacular as AJ McCarron's entire chest hat

and that's for a lot of reasons I don't I'm not gonna shave my chest hair and have it grow through like that it's just not it's not of my future AJ McCarran has a clean enough sort of palette that the artist can put a a cityscape of Mobile is like just one thing that's on there

and I think yeah it doesn't have like a looming Jesus head like Jesus is the state of marshmallow man come to destroy Mobile. Oh, yeah, something like that. Yeah, Jesus is in the movie Rampage, and it's got Crystal Football as like the power. Spencer, you've got to get a Franklin, Tennessee skyline tattoo.

She put the Sonic sign and the megachurch right there. Well, look, there's the American Girl place. Mm-hmm. Man, he's got the squircle on there. Look, if you get off at the third exit, it heads right to his ass crack. It's very romantic. there's jokes for 80 people hey y'all yeah uh no i've got i've got a pretty good idea of what i'm

going to get done tattoo wise and i think everyone um they'll be as happy about it as they they can be which means i think michigan people will be happy about it uh and i think everybody else would be like what the hell is that and that's perfect that's fine the good news the mac the good news um if for some reason your body is ever lost at sea or whatever in the woods in the woods in the woods yeah and we're like ah geez animals just ate the hell out of his face um we don't know who this is they ate the teeth too i feel like you will have two very specific tattoos and you're like yep that's spencer gonna miss him yeah you can just we'll just hit them with the google image search and that's the because you posted them on a website so

remember that's always the point of a tattoo so that you'll be easily identifiable when you die in the wild very nice to you today and I don't know why. Coroners always have the best stories, right? And for me, like the best story by far is the Georgia State Corner when I heard him do a talk. He said he talked to all of these

tattoo guys. Because tattoo guys are very, very handy in a forensic investigation, right? They can provide significant unique identifying details, right? And he said, oh, yeah, man. So I got this guy and I got this guy and hey, we found this guy like headless

and he was like found headless and he'd cut off his hands and his feet in order to you know make him unidentifiable but we know we still got him because of the forensic evidence of the tattoo and I said man

wow was that like was that a random murder and he goes oh no no no no if you wind up in a river with your hands and your feet cut off and your head cut off you did something to get there I was like what?

He goes, I didn't say it was rational, but you definitely did something to get there. Yeah, what was the tattoo? I think it was of, I think it was ironically of a guy who had his head's hands and feet. Yeah, that's a good one to get. This is what I want. Yeah, it's crazy. Oh, hands. Now, the flip side is if you want to,

poses Spencer and commit crimes, you also have sort of a guidebook to work through here. Yeah, you have an absurd guidebook. Big beard, two Michigan tattoos, one TBD, glasses, tank top, shorts. Just search Twitter for Spencer's handle in the words, this you, and you'll find like 80 photos to choose from. Just create a composite. Yeah, and then when the cops are like, how big would you say the suspect? was, be like, I don't know, 600 pounds, 380. So now what Spencer has, Spencer can go commit an actual crime, and, like, he's got the

thing where, like, you know, dope boys wearing nothing but white T's, how you're going to pick out, which one did it? You know, Spencer's got a whole Spartacus army. As you can see, I don't weigh 578 pounds. It's the most disturbing thing always to put your face on the internet ever. Like, you just shouldn't. You shouldn't ever put your face on the internet. That's just not a good idea.

Don't do it because you can't win, right? It doesn't matter. Like, you can put a photo of your hands on the internet. So it'll be like, nice hands. How long you had those hands? No, this happened. This happened to me on your feed. I was holding up a taco.

You took a picture of the taco and people just roasted my hands. Yeah, no, no. People will completely torch your hands, which is nuts, right? The people are like, yeah, you don't have normal hands. Actually, no, it went on IG and everyone on IG was like, oh, that taco looks good. And it went on Twitter and it was like, is there a witch holding your taco or something?

You know, just caught the flames on Twitter. Yeah, no, no, no. Don't do it because people are bitter, evil and sad on Twitter. Twitter doesn't know what a body looks like. If you ask Twitter to draw a body. It's like a medieval anatomy class. It's full of gears. Yeah.

No, no, no. You ever look at it? You ever look at old art? Like, did you fuckers even have people? What were you drawing? What is it supposed to be? That may be what people looked like back then. In fairness.

Nutrition was terrible and doctors barely existed. Yeah. I enjoy, too, that I ended up looking up accidentally. Because, you know, I was looking for a photo of the tattoo, the original tat, right? Of your original tattoo? Of the very first tattoo ever put on a place. I don't understand what you were looking at. I don't understand what you were looking at.

just look on the internet, right? Where'd you go? Did we chase him off? Did we body shame him away? No, I think he's looking for the tattoo. He's searching through his files. I love your beautiful body. I mean, in a friendly way.

God. That's going to get written up for that. What is the unfriendly way? Okay, I'm back. Hey! We're sorry we're body shamed you away. Yeah, that's okay. Just leave all that in.

That's fine. That's good material. We do. We're two minutes closer to done now. Listeners seem to like episode length. That seems to be like one of the big criteria they judge this program by. They're always like, oh, that one was long. Why are you treating this podcast like purgatory where you're just like, just got a burn off time?

just doesn't just get a little closer to heaven we're just getting people through commutes and train rides and Godfrey through mowing his lawn Spencer what tattoo were you were you looking for

oh he shamed him again that's the one question you must mustn't ask him that's the red I think I'm back I'm very sorry. All right. Are you prepared to answer the question?

What tattoo were you looking for? So I was looking for the original Totoro tattoo, right? You were, hold on, hold on. You were looking for a photo of your tattoo? Yes, right? It's with you at all time. Why? Well, that's correct.

Did you lose your tattoo? What are you talking about? same place you don't need to find a photo of the tattoo just get your fucking phone out and take it yeah but that would take like a second and it's easier to just look up the previous photo i had additionally and i just gets to my point okay that was already out there every bit of ammunition that i had given the internet right to talk about whatever deformity passes from my physique i had already put in that photo if i give you a new one, you have new ammo, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah, so I wasn't going to give you new stuff. It's going to give me the same old stuff. Here, look. Doesn't look that much different.

I'm obviously still the same person in that photo, right? So I looked that photo up, and I noticed a result for it on MgoBlock. Wonderful supporters of our fundraising. A very interesting group of people, love them to death. On it,

they were like, that's a blogger, man. Can't work out. bloggers never work out just like man that guy's rough I will tell you in this photo I look like a normal I look like a perfectly normal

human being I have a bad case of the body just more of you anyway if you ask me how much I'd weigh I would sincerely respond somewhere between 200 and 700 pounds not real sure it's I mean it's hardest of all getting us

from message board commenters who are all sex gods I mean every message board that's I mean people people often say Spencer

what's the hardest part of being on the internet and I'm like comparing my body to those of a message board poster it's the hardest thing in the world

it's very difficult but you know I somehow I live man and have you ever been to the Midwest my God

the physiques on these people I will tell you at least at least in the south you just get some big dudes you're like man he's fat man he can move a he can move a truck in the Midwest you're like you're built for a sweatshirt

yay lucky you you'll live in the Midwest we're all deeply unsexy speak for yourself speak for yourself no it's fine it's fine it's fine it's better this way

but we're all deeply deeply unsexy and I'm all right with that I was just listeners will be the judge of this. I was just reminded that no one on the internet, like the internet has so thoroughly broken people's

brains that, A, they don't know how hard football is, right? Like we talk about this all the time, that nobody knows how hard football is. They're like, you know, I could get around the quarter on an offensive tackle. Just give me enough snaps. No. It's just not happening. It's not.

You're not doing it. And they're like, that wide receiver slow. No, no, no, no. You're slow. That wide receiver as fast as hell. He wouldn't be out there. Well, the coaches are stupid. They could read a watch. They can all read a watch.

He might have other faults. He might be slow relative to what you're looking at, but everything you're looking at is blazing fast. And the same thing goes for bodies. Like, no one on the internet has an idea of what a body is. None. No one. Only women do, because women will actually do the thing where they go,

you know what, ladies, let's see a suburb. supportive thread. Why don't you show me what you look like? And ladies will sit there and go, man, here's a photo of me. I look bad as hell. Somebody's like, no, you look great. You look phenomenal. Your skin's glowing. You tried this with dad fashion, but it was a circle of loathing.

I would, no, I was stunned. It's very like, I will, spoiler, I will write a little bit more about this later, but I was stunned at how uniformly positive it all was, once you put it to men that they could act that way. all you needed to do is give men a license to be nice.

You just have to say, hey, dude, you know what? Why don't you just show me your dad looks? Dads would post like whatever. It couldn't be looking good. You couldn't actually attempt to look good on purpose, right? Right. But as long as it was a dad look, dads were like, oh man, hey, that is nice. Classy looking flawless.

But did you fear that at any point someone would come through with like a clearly inauthent dad fit and like, you know, stir up some shit? And then suddenly you're the moderate, you're the admin of this thread. You're having to kick people out for looking too cute. Yeah, no, I never had to. Never had to. Comfortable waste fans only. I think they were one or two guys who were obviously thirst trapping like, yeah, you know, doing this.

One guy was, one guy had like a weird thing. One guy was like, yeah, you know, spend a lot more time with my kids now that I'm divorced. I was like, I don't want anything. I don't want to be near this discussion. but even that is like a pretty good version of that discussion right it wasn't like yeah left my wife and kids so i can get on the real with it no it wasn't there were no kirk van hootens right there was no there was no like i sleep in the race car bed now no there was none of that right even the divorce guys were like beat of dad

rules looks really good so i didn't have to which was cool like that was great i love that but like point is most of the time women women women do this. Women will be like, oh man, that's so supportive. Not to say there aren't lady haters out there, they're the most lethal. But, on the whole, it's a much more supportive vibe. Then if you actually did this with guys, they'd be like, pff, dude, you look like

eight garbage bags wearing a Burlington Coat Factory suit. That's what you say? I am. Yeah, that's because... That's who I am. What? That guy or eight garbage bags in a Burlington Coat Factory suit? I am eight garbage bags wearing a Burlington goat factory suit. And I'm your attorney.

no no you're speaking of i think that's a great segue because um you know again there's not much going on hey florida was fun people got mad there were some people online that florida spring game involved uh throwing to former players which was a big deal by the way in case you wonder why i don't know 30 if the world's stupidest people are mad about this online it was a big deal because jim macklewain didn't actually talk to anyone for three years it wasn't like hey come back and be part of the former community and, you know, be a player and talk to these young guys and, you know, like, extend the brand and, you know, and, you know, leave your legacy here at the University of Florida. Now, apparently Jim Backaway just didn't talk to anyone for three years.

So they had players back and they caught passes and three passes and it was very fun. It wasn't a very serious spring game. And there's like eight. I'm lowering the number from 30 to eight. They were mad that this wasn't real competition. Yeah, it's a spring game. I hate to tell you, it's fake. They've done most of the work when you're not looking. Go, go. Yeah, you've got to swing the other direction. You've got to be like, set the field on fire. Cut players live on television.

Do it all. No, no, no home gets, one, gets it. One knife. You want to make this team, show me. We're hiring. I got one spot. Free for kids. Okay. Kids get in free in the spring game. Yeah, kids get in free. It's great.

Pull cute. I do remain disappointed that after Michigan and a few other schools in the Midwest canceled spring games, but Michigan specifically, I do feel like Jim Harbaugh should have packed. Everybody up in the bus and said, we're going to Ohio State. We're just going to walk out on the field and see what they do. What's the worst thing that happens? They say, like, no, you can't be here. And then you spend the next however many weeks of the offseason telling every coach's poll and AP voter be like,

seems like Ohio State is scared kind of wonder why you'd rank a team that wouldn't even play us in a home game in the spring. A game that didn't even count seems weird that they wouldn't play us. Could they sit there with those dunk contest like judges cards? Two.

After every play, just putting up a zero. I mean, I feel like if you're Michigan, the smart play is to face Ohio State as infrequently as possible, because you You could lose the spring game to Ohio State. But then you just say it was part of the plan. That didn't count.

We're losing at the jar. We'll see in a few months. I just wanted to see them with like mouths full of hot dogs and popcorn being like, The rivalry is forever! Again, we love you, Michigan, and thank you for all your generosity. Thank you so much. best. Like absolutely the best and totally going to, you know, mark up my body with something semi-Michigan related. I promise. I'll take pictures. You can make fun of my big hammy upper arms.

I feel like I can say whatever I want about Michigan because you get all these tattoos. That's true. Like it's like, oh, they gave all this money the charity drive. That's so nice. We should be nice to them. And it's like, that's already taken care of. I can say whatever I want. That's not inked up for your sins. it's true you know they can be like man you got oh man you got rich Rodriguez on there that is problematic and weird

it's levels to this um not to rich rod because that's above our pay grade but let's give out some legal advice to real live stupid listeners who decided to send us legal questions why am I doing this

um because anytime anytime like legal things enter the public consciousness for some reason everybody has decided that i am their lawyer if you it's true read every day should be saturday if you listen to the full cast whatever and so you know what yep i am i'm your lawyer now and i am responsible for your well-being and here's the thing this might help you quite a bit because if it goes poorly and it's probably going to go poorly. You get to turn around and say, well, I was denied effective assistance of counsel. And I can stand up in court and be like, yes, I don't even have an active law license

anymore. Also, here's three episodes of this terrible podcast they do. Would you hire me as an attorney? No. This man wasn't competent to stand trial. You did a bad job, Judge. I'm going to go now. That's some damn good lawyering. I mean bad. I mean, bad. I mean, good. It's extremely good bad lawyering um so i'll i'll start with um this question from our friend i just had it see folks a good lawyer brings his documents to court you got okay this is from lucas blas at lucas blas 22 can i legally make a tv show about a lawsuit about barbershop tv shows Are either of you aware of the latest development in the heated barbershop TV show legal community? So this is the case of Bama v. LeBron?

You've stylized it incorrectly. The plaintiff goes first, so it would be LeBron v. Bama. No, the second one is whoever has home court. I'm sorry, Bama's playing defense no matter who the case involves. Okay. Fair. Um, yeah, so, so LeBron James had his people send a fairly standard legal letter to Alabama for their barbershop interview show. Um, nothing super important happened there. I think they changed the name because it was somewhat similar to the name he uses for his, but by getting back in the

news in the first place, somebody else is suing him for having him. for having a barbershop TV show supposedly stealing the idea. It's a great circle. It's a great circle that we're having here, and I love it. So, yes, you can absolutely make a TV show about a lawsuit about barbershop TV shows.

And then more importantly, if I try to make this TV show, you can make a TV show about that lawsuit. You can just keep going forever and ever and ever. It's perfect. It's a circle of Netigation Yeah, just rack up those hours

And then you can talk about it at the barbershop In front of it in front of it Oh, okay, you can't do that So that is where you draw the line Who owns that? LeBron, Ice Cube, Nick Saban? Supercuts Supercuts.

Okay. Supercuts in men and talking at the barbershop And that's why we hate them for it. Not a sponsor of the shutdown full cap. I hate talking when I get my haircut, personally. Yeah. Should we go on an anti-sponsor crusade? Like, whoever

doesn't sponsor us, fuck them. Sure. That's true. Yeah, absolutely. You know what? That's why Toys R.S. went under. Supercuts. What's the super about you? Frankly. Cheez-It's. You ain't shit. That would be the best Cheez-It's campaign ever.

would just be cheeses taking an anti-customer for no apparent reason. Yeah, Cheez-its, you ain't shit, Marvin. And not even like, not even like, you can't handle the cheesiness. No, no, just like, fuck you, don't buy them. Then we'll eat them. It backfires, and there's just warehouses full of cheeses. Good. We don't have to go shopping for years now, you assholes.

And they're like, they're like, how are we going to keep the cheeses from being eaten by moths and rats? It's like, well, they're Cheez-Sitts, so. Yeah. They'll be fine. Please, rats aren't touching that shit. See what happens? See, we got a sponsorship protection racket going here now. Who's next?

Yeah, you got to sponsor us. We put the thunder. We brought the thunder to Cheez-Its. Cheez-Zt's stock price just tumbled four cents. Dear God, did you see CZT went down? The Cheez-Sitts Corporation, the board. We've just decided to make Cheez-Sitz its own corporation, not a sub-brand of some much larger American hog-fotter corporation. What if we took pig food and made it into people food and then sold it in a box?

Nope, Cheez-Its. Yeah, it was founded by Derek Cheez-It. Derek Cheez-It. Yeah, it was actually Chezette. He was French. part of the French resistance steeple All right, what do you please pick

a piece of legal advice for us to discuss? Oh God Oh, who's unprepared now? See, everybody wants to watch it. Oh, being a lawyer, so... Oh, no. Oh, you want to sell this money going to law school. Oh, look at you with your dumb video job.

Nobody even knows that you do anymore. And you're the worst person on the full. cast and everyone hates you on the internet what sir what are we talking about it's a brand yeah i mean yeah yeah um you know this one i want to explain a couple of ways um dear coach leach i don't know if we're going to answer it as mike but i definitely want to answer it's fraud explain boom explain explain explain how contract negotiations are processed under maritime law sincerely ECU.

I like that ECU just admits they're not even attempting to be law literate. That's good. That's good. The first step is admitting what you don't know. And the law is definitely something

that I don't think East Carolina is real familiar with. If you didn't see, there was a big ecstasy ring out of a frat house in East Carolina with three different like dudes who just

look like three different avatars of the dude named Chad like guy named Chad you're like Chad one, Chad two, Chad three Chadrick, Chadwick and Chadler all of them and it was fairly

ECU until our colleague Kofi yeah boy who figured out oh yeah it's super ECU because they confiscated a shotgun in a frat house yep yep that'll do it every single time maximum ECU reached.

So, how are contract negotiations processed under maritime law? Well, it's not entirely possible to really sum up the whole of pirate law in one word, paragraph, but basically it's

a reciprocal kind of negotiation. I give you something, you give me something. And that's how they do things in pirate law. For instance, if I give you $3 million a year, I expect you to win football games and if you don't we end up marching you down the plank

that's how you do it which is how you know Florida wasn't necessarily negotiated under maritime law because apparently we just keep writing checks for the people it's neat all right I got one and this isn't even I don't even know if this is funny or not

I just it it speaks to me deeply because I've wondered this Michael J. Altman on Twitter how are homeowners associations legal It's my damn house. I'll put whatever I want in the front yard. I mean, I know the literal answer is like, well, you signed up when you joined the neighborhood. But still, still, damn it.

It's not fun. Let's see if we can think of an example of a collection of communities who are all just trying to do their best, trying to sort of find their way in the world. All kinds of people. Farmers, blacksmiths, merchants, trappers, whatever. silver silver smiths beer makers and somebody a homeowner's association far away shadowy with unclear representation says to them hey now you got to do this you can't you can't have tea in your yard there's a there's a penalty for that stamps we charge for stamps you have to use HOA approved stamps what happened what happened to that little homeowners association hmm

yeah it they the annual dues were not paid not the swimming pool was used regardless filled with blood filled with blood this was a super like I don't remember these particularly in say Georgia or Tennessee growing up I remember them in Florida H-O-A's like oh yeah big time this is a Pinellas County thing so in Pinellas County H-O-S County H-O-A ways they would get in these kind of super intense arguments, right, the kind that you only really get in when you find somebody who's got time for you, right? Like most people, they don't have time for you today, right? You do like something kind of off. They might, you know, they might get a little ticked. Occasionally, though, especially with something like a homeowners association where

you really can't get away from it. It's always there, right? Like, home is home. And when I get home, All of a sudden, the thing I'm pissed about is still home, right? I can't get away from it. Well, in the case of my wife's subdivision, there was an HOA where they had a dispute over something real petty. I don't remember what it was. It was like something in a front yard or something that wasn't supposed to be in a front yard. And basically, the finish to this story was the guy sued the HOA, won, bankrupted the HOA, and then sold his house.

Hell yes. Yeah. Yeah. Now, can we be like a little bit serious for a moment? The real reason HOA's are a thing are because white Protestants didn't want non-white Protestants to live in the neighborhood. But, you know, being polite and respectful at all, they wanted to put it on the HOA. It's not me. I would love to have a Jewish family in the neighborhood.

I would love to have a... But, you know, I can't paint my house yellow. and I also can't have a black neighbor. I'm sorry. It's just the, you know, that's $180 fine. Yeah, it's just like how like every college is like, I can't play players. The NCAA said I can't. Anyway, time to go vote on NCAA stuff because I'm in charge of it.

My favorite thing is to create an abstraction of rules, a code, which says all of the bad things I want to happen or think. and then I blame that. Right? I don't know. I just, it's the killing robot I created. Sorry. What am I going to do about it? HOA Moses delivered these long ago and, you know, we adhered to them strictly.

So, again, not actual Moses because, like I said, we don't let Jews live in this neighborhood. Sorry about that. Yeah, God said my fence can't be more than six feet high, so yours can either. So yeah, so go HOA's. They're about white people. being shit. Kevin the racist killing neighborhood HOA robot. He's just made that way.

I can't do anything about him. Why is it murder? Why is it murder against the HOA rules? Well, you know, we can't do everything. God, I mean, this is please, we don't want big government interfering in things. Now about Kevin the killing robot.

States rights. So I guess the equivalent of states' rights would be like, cul-de-sac rights. and this cul-de-sac you can murder this is the murder I love living on this here's the

Kilda Sack Welcome to Purge Acres Yeah Welcome to Perge Court Purge Court's the best street In this neighborhood By far Hey we're having a cookout

You're gonna come by And kill each other That's allowed Kevin's gonna be by She's the nicest robot He's a little killie Mind him I wanted to if I could

pick, uh, if I could pick one, it would be, if you had to choose one legal TV show, be it procedural drama, comedy, courtroom TV to live on the set of the rest of your days. Oh, choose carefully. Oh, this is so, this is so heartbreaking because we have a death in the legal, uh, television community today. We do, we do. Harry, Harry Anderson of night court, which I suspect might be Ryan's answer. Well, I don't know if it would be or not, but it is funny because when I started pulling up these questions from Twitter, and it's showing me what's trending, it says Nightcourt and Hannity right next to each other. I'm like, huh, okay.

Durn, dumb, white nationalism. Now, I don't know that I'd necessarily pick Nightcourt, because I don't think I can live with Laracet. He seems tiring. He seems very tiring. I think he'd be tiring. Also, the emotional unavailability of Marshall Warfield after a while would begin to wear on me.

Did you know that Sesame Street specifically recognizes the existence of Law & Order SVU? I did not know that. Wow. Why? So, in a couple of ways. First of all, they do a

and I got to look up the details of this. There's like an SVU style like episode in segment in one episode of Sesame Street. And that's like whatever, that's a little bit parody so you can argue maybe it doesn't. But there are, in multiple episodes,

they will throw to one of the characters or one of the actors. It'll just be like, here's iced tea, here's munch, here's Stabler. In like their detective outfit, their tie, their jacket if they wear one, whatever. At the station, at the desk, it's clearly the SVU set.

It's supposed to be the SVU set. They're supposed to be detectives working in the sex crimes unit. And they're just there being like, you know a word that I like? Frustrating. And they just do normal, they just do normal Sesame Street segments. To be clear, lots of famous people go on Sesame Street.

and they figure out a way for it to not be like oh okay um so let's see what have you been in oh james spader we're going to do crash we're going to do a crash themed episode of sesame street it's going to be great kids are going to love it you ever fuck a car so are you trying to tell me ice cop killer tea has been on sesame street yes i'm pretty sure he has the list of people the list of people who've been on sesame street is like it's pretty it's not the most exclusive club is all i'm saying okay has he done has he done has he done one of those like dumb drug theme jokes on sesame street right probably i mean just there's a whole there's a whole Wikipedia page for it and right next to each other here all right buzz aldrin has

been on Sesame Street. Julie Andrews has been on Sesame Street. Who's right there in between them? In alphabetical order? Jason Alexander. They're not. They're not just like, you don't have to be extremely famous or special to be on Sesame Street. I haven't.

I have a question for the two of you. Sorry. Yeah. From at Stu da Baker, 2013. What's the biggest crime you'll admit to committing? I don't have to answer this because I already have on this program. That's true, you have. At one point or another.

I'm sorry, what was our question again? Spencer's going to have a better answer for this than I will. No, Ryan, you've got to find something. I mean, probably when I was writing, well, yeah, this is easy. This goes back to the thing. Um, so all lawyers, all lawyers who work for a law firm, it's not necessarily the same if you work for like the government or your in-house counsel or something. You bill your time and you bill it in six minute increments because life is hell and you should be made to feel that in very specific apportioned ways. Um, but it's not just a matter of like, oh, six minutes I did this or whatever. You're, you know, I was, I was working. I was working for six minutes. No, you're supposed to say, like,

what case you were working on? For what client? What were you doing? There are almost certainly billings that exist, where Fortune 500 company that shall be not named here, yeah, I billed you for writing EDSBS bullshit. Damn. Yep.

Damn. Come take my license. We'll wait for that. Did Spencer get body shamed again? He'll be back. I think he's probably trying to, like, tabulate which his biggest crime was. My biggest, my biggest crime? Like, calculating it by monetary value?

Like, you know, you mean by, yeah, do you mean by damages caused or by thickness? By calorie count. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, a short list of crimes committed, right? Right. What about transporting drugs across state lines? That's pretty, lots of people have done that. I mean, lots of people have done that, but by cash value?

Yeah, what quantity, what, what, what, what, uh, what quantity do you estimate we're talking about? I mean, over a lifetime? Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot of small amounts, but, uh, they'd probably had, I don't think I'd be facing, man, it'd probably be facing felony. I don't know. Felonies are way too easy to get.

Quote me. I was going to say, Jeff Sessions could probably find a way. Oh, look, he's got four, he transported four pounds of marijuana over his entire lifetime. I think he should be executed. Someone get me a step stool.

Because he's short. It's the joke I have on him. He's otherwise just, it's an awful human being. It didn't even go to, Didn't even go to Bama undergrad When you're like How you talked that way about a Bama man?

He didn't go there undergrad He's went to the law school I'll put that evil on him Because it's his He's got to own it As your lawyer, I'm going to stop you Before you're going to throw Yeah

Biggest crime By Cash Value I'm gonna come back to that Because I didn't do it like I remember reading some I remember reading something About a guy who was working and did something like he dropped

an air conditioning unit onto off a crane sure right yeah and you know that costs like millions did he like and then he was like later

and then quit so I don't know if that's a crime um did you do this maybe no I didn't do anything that bad. I think once when I was really, really broke, I accidentally, like, hit a car in a parking lot and drove off.

And I left a note that basically said this, Hi, I'm real broke and hit your car. I'm very, very sorry, but I'm leaving. Which, you know, like, what's my most Florida man moment? That. I mean, like, hey, man, I'm real sorry about that. I'm totally just going to get out. of here.

That would get you in the Florida heaven. They'd be like, oh, you tried. You big stupid dip shit. You tried. It was a note, yeah. You tried to be good.

That's the worst part is that, you know, there's like an attempt to be semi-moral without actually doing the moral thing, right? No, not even vaguely. No, no, no. It was like, hey, I shot

your dog. That's pretty bad, isn't it? Anyway, here's a note about shooting your dog. later. The most Florida version of good is merely acknowledging doing something bad. Not really

apologizing, not making it right. Just copping to it. That's it. Yeah, I did it. That's crazy. Anyway, this manatee's gone. He's not coming back. Who's to say why? Yeah. Nature is cruel. Everyone has a time. If you think about

it, it's not necessarily my fault. Maybe he had cancer. Maybe I'm a hero. Don't cry for him. We all have a part to play. Think of all the hungry fishes who'll be able to survive on him. We're all children of God, so it's just an act of God. Even this manatee.

Manatees are children of God. Who made those? God didn't make those. They're kind of like... Manatees were... If God made those, manatees were a first. fucking draft. Well, the manatees are kind of the bumbling, floating, like, waiters of, you know, God's world, right?

Like, can I get you a beverage? Whoa, a speedboat! Manatees were God trying to say, like, I wonder if I can make a person with my left hand. And being like, oh, man, definitely not. Oh, that is ridiculous. Print. Print. Print.

He tried the no look. Wow. I'm going to make a sexy lady No look Let's leave those things underwater Give them to the sailors You leave those in Florida I think like Australia is where he puts

All his like Okay Let's just tuck this away where no one will find it Yeah I'm gonna make a cute dog Yeah you made a redback spider Oh dear Just put that in Australia What if I put guns on a panda

What are you talking about God That's in Australia I am Grant Gordon And I'm Ravi Guru Murphy And we're your co-hosts of a new podcast called Displaced From the Vox Media Podcast Network And the International Rescue Committee Where Grant and I work

Right now the world is witnessing The largest displacement crisis since World War II That is the largest number of people who've been displaced because of conflict If you want to understand why that is and what can be done about it, listen to Displaced. You can subscribe on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaking of animals, I do want to answer this question from our good friend Janie Campbell at its Janie C. What is the funnest way to run a foul of the Fish and Wildlife Commission in the off-season? I'm going to assume because Janie lives in Florida, that she means the Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission. I did a little research, as any responsible lawyer would do.

The Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, I should say, has a variety of interesting portions of their website. But I settled on python hunting. A lot of rules about python hunting in Florida, mostly because Florida is overrun with pythons. Vote Rick Scott for Senate. so pythons can be humanely killed on private lands at any time with landowner permission no permit or hunting license required and the fwc encourages people to remove and kill pythons from private lands whenever possible whenever possible but again get permission that's got to be a weird conversation like hey uh you got like eight pythons in your backyard

Are you cool if I kill those? Sorry. Kind of got a weird sex thing going on later. So, need you to not. But there are rules to Python hunting. For instance, unless you have a Python removal permit, a real permit you can get in the state of Florida, the greatest state in the union. Live pythons may not be removed from these areas. I think that's kind of bullshit

because I think the test for whether you can get a Python removal permit should be can you remove a live Python successfully if you do, great you pass the test, here's your permit if you don't

it's not really an issue anymore if you take a live Python out and it didn't work out I don't think the state's going to be like yeah well you're half-digested corpse so we're going to have to write you up. It's $400. It's got to come from somewhere. But good news is python skins or meat may be kept and or sold. Please note, this is in bold. Burmese pythons from Everglades National Park have been found to have very high levels of mercury.

Therefore, meat from pythons harvested in Florida may not be recommended for human consumption. So again, just, you know, demand that you get your python, meat from quality dealers. Not cheese it. Cheese at Python meat? Garbage. They don't screen for shit. Florida does that hit with a radiated python. Don't

buy Python flavor cheese. Don't buy Python flavor Cheez-It's. They're not good. Don't feed your Python Cheez-its and you won't have a radiated python. I don't think that's what Mercury is, but it's fine. Hey, what it is now?

We're on that extortion thing. We're like, hey, cheese-its, give you mercury you're poisoning. It's not actually true, legally speaking. We're lawyers, not scientists. It's satire. We can do that. I also like that there's a whole, I haven't even clicked on it. Exotic Pet Amnesty Program. Sure.

Absolutely. Does that mean like if you find a dragon or something? I think it's just, basically it's, so you know how there are like gun buybacks where the cops or some local part of the

of your municipality will be like hey no questions asked you come in you give us a gun we give you you know 50 bucks to apple bees or some shit like this this is like that but for illegal pets so this is like hey be cool i got a gorilla i'm giving it to you i'm giving it to you yes um the best part is i have clicked now because i couldn't help myself uh so they have exotic pet amnesty days throughout the state they're free everyone is welcome to a tend they encourage kids and families to see exotic animals up close which yeah this is a place where people are bringing their exotic pets that they admit they are not responsible enough to keep so i'm not sure i'm bringing them a child to that but you know what it's florida sometimes

just yeah so you're like hey here's my fighting kangaroo um and there's just kids like petting it yeah while i'm turning it in and he's wearing handcuffs correct um so in total. They had the first event in 2006. Six animals were surrendered total. Pretty, pretty sad start. I am happy to report that they peaked in 2012 when they held six events and 279 exotic animals were surrendered. All told, all told this program has over 2,500 animals that they have had handouts. it over to them. God, Florida, you're just killing, you're literally killing it. I know we say this a lot, but that's the most Florida thing I've ever heard. That is the new

most Florida thing I've ever heard. Just a traveling road show of freakish animals that are illegal, that you can just give. They're having one in St. Pete in May. Maybe we should do a live show there. I will tell you that in Martin County, Florida, in Port St. Lucie, there's an animal rescue.

And if you go to their page from time to time, it works like this. Hmm, pit bull, cat, pit bull, cat, wallaby, cat. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. The hell? Like, who brought in a kinkajoo? I don't know. I don't even know what kinkajoo is, but we got three of them. You go back and click on the shark and, oh, already got.

He's already been adopted. Oh, man. That shark has found his forever home. Scooter chases cats because he's a shark. He's not housebroken. Yeah, he's not housebroken because he's a shark. He has a terrible attitude because he's a shark. So honestly, Janie, I think the answer is go to one of these adoption days

and just interview as many people as you can. Just be like, so why? So again, why? why why why a timber wolf tell me more in florida a polar bear you have a polar bear in florida did you get high and watch white fang you did get high and watch white fang i know it there's one at every exotic animal day next question

um yeah go ahead well i have one that i can actually answer from steve gherkin I forgot to tell my landlord that I'd be moving after my lease and it automatically renewed. How do you recommend I get out of this? So as your attorney, I'm going to advise you to find a whatever this operation is that you're paying money to. Well, that you were paying money to. Not going to do it anymore. We're going to get you out of this.

You find a desk that they have, a desk that someone sits behind, and you do what I do to get out of every situation I've ever got out of. You stand in front of that desk and you look really confused. And then you just wait. Eventually they'll get sick of you and they'll tell you go away and you don't have to give them any money. It works in every situation. Just look really confused and make it clear to them that, like, they either have the choice of they can expend a lot of energy to explain things to you and, like, walk you through this process or they can just say, get out of my sight, you piece of shit. So, works every time. That's surprisingly good advice.

I hate to say. Thanks. I think also in evictions, if you know a real G out there, like somebody who's a super, super boss type about evictions, who's done all this stuff before, you'll know this. Apparently, sometimes you can get the sheriffs to take your stuff to your new apartment or to wherever you're staying. I mean, it's just easy. It's on the way. I knew I knew somebody who did that She's from Arkansas And she's just like one of those people who's like

What are the cops going to do Arrest my couch Because you know I think everyone else gets evicted And they're like oh oh my God How did this happen Why did life get this point There are people though

Who when they get evicted are like Well sergeant You're going to take me to my next place Or not This one comes from Tweedge at J.M.B.223.92. My ex attempted to sue me for $200, fun story, was my strategy to ignore it until she gave up the correct strategy.

Did it work? If it worked, yeah. If it didn't, no. That's the most lawyerly answer I can give you. If it worked, you did the right, yep, great job. If it didn't work, well, bad bad choice you

being a lawyer is the ultimate Monday morning quarterback it's great it sounds like your your value in results over process yeah

that's literally all all lawyers do except the annoying ones there are the annoying ones who are all like well in process process process process but they're not

the big ball big ball lawyers who win in court huh so it's so it's like the opposite of football where the guy who wins is always talking about process

I like that you're, I like that you're like that you're like that you're like, yeah, the lawyers who know the rules, the nerds, nerds. Those guys don't ever get to work at the White House. Yeah, there's no evidence of anybody, you know, having that come back to bite them right now, today. Every day. Forever. Constantly, until we pass through this hell we're in. We won't. It's good.

It's fucking great. God. We should do... Well, here's a legitimately good one. Or a legitimately helpful one. From Andrew Del Toro at Stonecutter 7. What exactly is illegal about paying NCAA basketball players? As far as I can tell, the money wasn't embezzled or misappropriated.

It's of course referring to the pending federal criminal case against various members of shoe companies and mostly like assistant coaches, I believe, around college basketball. Or either of you, like, terribly familiar with this case. If we had Alex Kirchner on, he could probably explain all of it. So I believe that the feds are going for fraud, right? Because they were steering these kids toward specific deals that, I don't know. I don't know, like, it's not like the feds have other things going on. No.

Like the feds didn't care about NCAA rules. They were just like, here's a high-profile target. We can get them on fraud. And the cases sort of changed recently where it seems that now it's sort of been, for a while it was sort of suggested that this was against NCAA rules. And they were sort of prosecuting it as if that was in some way like a violation of the college's. right to control its own purse strings or whatever. But now it's sort of being changed and sort of like, well, these are colleges that receive federal funds and therefore they may be misusing the federal funds.

I don't know. But now it's sort of like that the colleges themselves are the victims as if it's a matter, well, you wouldn't have given the scholarship to this young man if you knew that he was only coming because of shoe money. if he didn't love State University you never would have It's like, what the fuck are you talking about? Perish the thought

What the fuck? The thought of attending NC State out of anything other than deep, deep love for NC State. It's just, I, I, here's the thing, I don't know. I don't, this case, this case, I remember when it came out, everybody was like, oh, fuck, the FBI's involved.

The Department of Justice, the Southern District of New York, serious institutions. And I still don't know what the fuck is. I don't know why this is happening. I don't know who cares. I don't know who this matters to. I don't care if you companies give their money to high school basketball players.

I definitely don't care enough to want there to be like a federal prosecution against it. I think it's funny when you give your money to a high school student and he doesn't do what you thought he was going to do. I think that shit's great. yeah i i'm really i'm really i this goes in more than one dimension of current affairs i am most intrigued by the school of law employed by the vested wealthy or powerful that insists that the dumb thing i did uh is in fact a crime if somebody doesn't go along with it right right like i put out free cake cake that the government doesn't control and somebody just took it walked off with with it. It's crazy.

It was one piece each. There was a sign. I put a note on there. The Post-it constitutes a legal mandate. Said, please share. But now, now... All I did was money laundering. What's wrong with that?

Now, there is a really good... The money was dirty. There is a really good wrinkle to this case recently. Where, so basically the government... I think, again, I'm not like super... super familiar. I didn't take this job so I could read a lot of fucking legal documents, you assholes. The government's theory is basically the shoe companies give this money to assistant coach X, assistant coach X, make sure that it gets to the player or the player's family

or whatever in exchange for them to sort of have a long term, to go to school affiliated with the shoe company. And hopefully, if they have a good, you know, one year in college, go to the NBA, eventually signed with that issue company, et cetera. It's an interesting theory, I guess. It's not. But the best part is, some of the assistants have been like, yeah, I just kept the money, actually. So, I don't know what to tell you.

I don't know how I could have been, I don't know how I could have been inducing this kid. Yeah, just kept, yeah, I make nothing. So, yeah, I definitely kept that $80,000. I'm sorry, but I did. which was a that that was a heroic thing to do actually because you're you're robbing from fraud guys the fed's coming here like yeah i was holding it for you but then i bought a car you're an honorary fed now son j and grover brown the best part junior fed saying it all out loud is saying it all out loud is the best part right like i am i am the negligent

juror in every case because most of the time in things like this I'm like oh man that sounds awesome so he's like yeah you know the plaintiff brought in 500 kilos of cocaine inside a jets inside a jet ski they're like yeah awesome like yeah we need we do excuse this guy this is not okay or if it's a bunch of adults who are like yeah we gave we gave like 50 grand to this 17 year old what did he do with it I think he sped it all on, you know, like Bay Blades. Like, he just spent it all on expensive tops. And, you know, and I'm like, they're collectible. We had a business agreement.

I'm like, you run a shitty business. And you just testified to it in court. You just admitted you got owned by like a kid before you ever got graduated high school. I could do this all day. Your Honor, I want to dismiss the case. Hell no. I got six more. weeks of watching adults admit this is what they do for a living get the NCAA up here what do you guys do

well yeah we tried to figure out whether this guy took like 500 bucks from somebody to play football and how do you do that well we ask what if they don't want to answer uh well did we ask then we ask someone who already doesn't like them we ask we ask their ex friends how do you sleep. Not really well. Like, how do you go home? Not great. I have...

What do you do for a living? We sleep on exactly $17.61 cents of lodging per night. You're like, what do you do? I distract people on the internet for a living. And that's so much more dignified than what you do. Well, hang on. That's not all we do.

Sometimes we punish children for making money on their own. Oh, you mean, like, by selling drugs? Well, no. If they're musicians. that's that's not okay we stop that we stop we kill music for a living that that's how we do it it's amazing we um all we do for a living is basically keep people from getting amounts of money that would purchase extremely shitty cars that's it all i want to do is keep somebody i want to keep somebody from buying a Ford

tempo. That's it. That's all I'm going to do. I really like that our legal episode has gotten us to a point where it's like, all right, now, these three lawyers, three geniuses of the law, are going to put their minds together and try to figure out the NCAA. Now, hold on.

Nope, that's... When you... Too far. When you... When you find out that a school gave somebody a Ford Tempo, what do you do? We make sure that they don't give a scholarship to some other kid. yeah that's what we want to do

that's the fair thing is to rob the opportunity from somebody else oh and by the way I do all this from a gigantic building in Indianapolis that sells a basketball tournament once a year where all we do is control what Cubs people use that's it

I love this because it's like if the government went to a bank and we're like hey we found that you're like embezzling customer funds. You're like adding fees that aren't supposed to be there. We want you to fire the people involved. They were like, okay, we talked to the NCAA. And they said, as long as new employees get a 15 minute shorter lunch break, then that's a penalty enough. Also, we won't go to the bank convention for two years. Won't go. Won't do it. We good? And also, Chip Kelly can't work

here for a while. Chip Kelly has to have a very good reason to work here. that's it we're gonna we're gonna make sure that he has to go yeah can what about the entire profession no he can go work other places like a bigger like a bigger bank oh yeah the biggest bank oh yeah he can go get a better job sure oh yeah yeah yeah like a better job where he actually makes more money and doesn't have to do this weird thing where we just convince people to kind of i don't know go to the school could you like it definitely not paying you back to that thing he can go have actual employees for a few years. Yeah, sure.

Then I'll have to come back. Yeah. Then we'll bring him back. That'll be fine because that all proves something. Let's, having legally defended then, you know, well, you're welcome. Mark Emmer, we will be sending you

a bill. Stupid ass. There are adults who do this all day. All they do is they make up rules to defend this gigantic basketball tournament. And occasionally they show up and they ask 19-year-olds in Mississippi for pee in a cup.

That's what they do. How do you not die from shame? I need to learn this skill. They used to have to care about bagel toppings. They got themselves some slack on that. It's amazing. Yeah, they're really going to drop the hammer on Old Miss. going to do to old miss that life hasn't done already it's as fermented as fermented could get

leave it in the ground another 30 years now i well said before the the the punishment for old miss is fewer people have to go to old miss what do you have to do well now we just have to find even more illicit ways of paying people to play this game oh like that wasn't going to happen anyway on the plus side our admissions rate just got a little more competitive Hello US News and World Report I will say

the NCAA used to have a really good penalty that they don't use anymore which proves how feckless and not actually interested they are in this which is if you really got in trouble but it wasn't death penalty worthy this used to be a thing

and it's amazing to think about now they just be like you don't get to play on TV you don't get to play and it's the one penalty that as stupid and boring as that NCAA is I do wish they'd bring back because it would flip everyone out in the stupidest best ways not necessarily just the team involved but if you did this for an SEC team if you did it for Old Miss for example and you're saying you don't get to play any games on TV this year you're off you just told Bama and Texas A&M and Arkansas and LSU and Auburn you stole them

you have one game you can't watch on television at all it'd be amazing and we need to bring it back also you just told Bama you have a game where no one can see what you do like legends emerge of the scores like 500 to nothing my god it was horrifying

I like the idea we had a very effective Saturday it was very effective we're very pleased with our team it was played for the national championship we Texas A&M we UCF swoops in the claims. Yeah, we played Ole Miss.

Yeah, it was awarded. There's a newspaper report about it. Yep, that was a national championship game. We played in October because we're more efficient than other schools. You don't need to wait until January. Do our national championship. You know what would happen, right? What?

Oh, you'd get this. You'd get the guy with, like, the way we watched Hawaii when Hawaii was on TV, right? Shitty periscope. Any periscope the entire, like, Hawaii, San Jose State game on his phone and 500 people were watching it. That's what they'd do, except it'd be like 500,000. There'd be like eight Aggies and they try to triangulate, right?

Like, okay, switch to Aggie 4-4, World War II was cool up in Section 83. Okay, for this. They'd get like a whole production board together. They'd be like, yeah, be like, get Trump fans. 89 nuts. Get him up there. Because we got to broadcast that too. Here we go.

Oh, we got a production going, boys. Oh, my God. All that is the Ole Miss A&M. I decided on like a clipping penalty or something. I kind of want them to try this anyway this year, right? To be like, boys, you don't need to pay for cable. Aggie Vision's on. Which team would want to get the TV band, though?

like you can be like oh man yeah we've been breaking all kinds of rules you better not let anybody see any of this because that would be a great punishment for us we really learn their lesson like what team what team is going to suck this year and they don't want it on tv but they definitely want to watch it right like what what teams in for it and has lost like a bunch of talent this is actual football content i wasn't yeah whoa buddy whoa whoa i know i know asking an actual question but like all right for instance old miss i think old miss is still a good pick here who's going to want to watch this matt luke squad don't know about that i think west i think west virginia can work if you can convince dana holgerson

that it's because it's due sexual you're playing after hours buddy danah holgers is like can i watch this year through static through lines like old porno cable. Are you saying we're on Cinemax? We're running to Spice Offense. This is actually how I've only watched film. Huh?

We're on TV. Think of the shit. Think of how much Dana Holgerson plays with his genitals during a broadcast game. Now imagine the cameras are gone. Yeah, he just

dropped out. Pissed on sideline didn't give a shit it's magnificent he didn't even be that much he clearly didn't have to go that badly he just did it welcome dog outside and the dog's like I don't got to go but this is mine now this is mine now

this is mine now this is mine now welcome to the wet shoe diaries coach coach do you really want Kansas's track that badly I don't know. Can you run dogs on it?

Can you bed on him? Boom, I got a casino. Before we wrap, let's do this one from 21 average at DBBBM. I might have put an extra B in there. Nobody will know. 52. Which coach is most likely to represent himself in court? Again, let me frame this.

This is the worst thing you can ever do. The dumbest, worst, stupidest thing you could ever do is represent yourself in court. So I will let you, Spencer and Jason, start this conversation. Can we remind everybody of somebody who has considered this election? Donald Trump's lawyer! My soon-to-be predecessor, Michael Cohen. That's right. Doesn't Mike Leach have a law degree?

Mike Leach does have a lot of degree. And he would never represent himself in court. I really don't think. Like, we're like, oh, Mike Leach is eccentric. Yeah, he's got a law degree. They taught him that. He's not going to disobey that. That's gravity.

You don't represent yourself in court. To do this, you need to have an extremely inflated sense of self importance. You need to really not work well with others. You need to kind of be not that trusting. Think you're the smartest person in the room. Call everybody an asshole. Shit like that. and you need to

just sort of make bad choices. So tell me who fits all three of these. I honestly don't know. Oh, B. Petrino! Fuck. Fuck. I won't be representing myself, your honor.

You can clearly see my client didn't do anything wrong. I told you we're all unsexy. I told you. So this is weird because normally we just end the podcast. saying something disturbing and haunting like we just did

but we can't this we won't this week and we have a good reason it's because of what Spencer Hall oh well because the Vox Media Podcast Network they uh what we appear on

they've launched a show called displaced which irrelevant to this week's intro and to the EDSBS charity drive It's focused on humanitarianism. It's produced in partnership with the International Rescue Committee, also known as the IRC. They're a fine organization, even though at one point they did employ me.

What did you do? What did you do for them? I ran education programs for high school youth. So I ran an after school program that helped refugee age or high school age refugees catch up. with American work. And this sounds so funny if you imagine me in charge of it. But I swear it was my job at one

point. And it was not terrible at it. There are a lot of different layers to that operation though. And this show, which covers a lot of them, is available on Apple Podcast or wherever you listen to this show. Shut down full cast.

I can't dunk on you for that job. That's the problem. If you have friends who work for charitable institutions or non-profits or whatever, by and large, you can't dunk on them. Even if they're like so-so or even bad at the job, you know? That's why we need capitalism so that we can dunk on each other for being bad. Otherwise, you're just actually doing things for humanity, you know?

As long as you're doing no harm, as long as it's not like, yeah, you know, I work for, I work for a non-profit. What do you do? I'm just handing out guns. Just handing them out. I know what it wants one. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.