Shutdown Fullcast - Shutdown Fullcast 8.14: The Mockest Draft

Episode Date: April 25, 2018

By my count, we drafted 8 quarterbacks, which seems absurd but watch the actual NFL pick nine in the first round this year and make us look lame. But will they draft a kicker? Will they draft an offensive lineman and make him play kicker? Will they forget one of the best defensive players in the whole draft is available until the first round is basically over? No. And that's why you come to the Shutdown Fullcast, with special guest Harry Lyles. (Please follow Harry on Twitter - @harrylylesjr - and don't hold his appearance on this show against him. He just wanted to be a good coworker.) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

welcome to the shutdown fullcast i am spencer hall we have a special guest tonight by the way as usual we're joined by uh jason kirk say hi jason hey what's happening yeah yeah he's our college football editor myrdomo sultan if you will the coordinator of all things on the minor league gridiron for us at sb nation uh ryan nanny who does no please please refer to me as by my roller derby name Hell Kuiper Jr. Oh! That's good.

Thank you. I love that. Still not my favorite roller derby name of all time, which would be Lucille Brawl. Excellent. That's still my favorite. I saw it.

Jacksonville has one. Her name is Crewella Duval. which after after ryan made a joke a few weeks ago about a tennessee fan taking that handle looked up duval and yep some young lady already thought it taken all your all your dangerous ideas jacksonville's already cornered the market on them yeah wifeer hireer adopt her into your family you want her on your team and because today we are going to be going through and i can't believe we're going to do this we're going to attempt a mock draft this was your idea you propose I know. I know. Who says my ideas are good? Not me? No one. Yeah, no one. And in order to fill out, it would have been, I think, an insurmountable task with just the three of us. So in order to, I think, one, round out the roster. Two, bring in somebody with some actual knowledge of the beat. And three, to get somebody who can count and make sure that we're all going in the right order. We've brought on Harry. Harry. you guys didn't tell me I had to bring knowledge I didn't know that was a qualifier for this well hold on it's knowledge in the same way that like caprice on his juice

you know as long as you're good as long as you're meeting 10% you're good yeah we're great then I'm at about 11 yeah this is not knowledge it's knowledge product we got SB Nation NFL expert Harry juicy juice Liles Harry Harry Harry Liles

Harry Liles, Jr., correct? Correct. Correct. The second version, the remix, if you will. We'll give you the NFL, well, I'll give you the NFL draft question straight from the NFL Scouts questionnaire. What's it feel like to be the watered down secondary version of Harry Liles? How does that make you feel? I mean, you know, I've got a chip on my shoulder.

I'm a little bit sneaky athletic myself. And, you know, I'm just going to take that run with it and use it as motivation because that's what I do. I'm drafting this guy's second round. He gets it. He gets it. So how are we going to be doing this tonight? We are going to have teams assigned to each one of us. We are going in the order of the actual draft, correct?

Yes. We randomly, I randomly assigned everybody a roughly equal number of teams. Jason gets an extra one. And that's more a function of the fact that there are three teams. that aren't in the first round of the draft at all. So we won't be talking about, what is it? Houston, Kansas City, and I forget who the third one is. Looks like Cincinnati.

No, the Bengals are in. Bengals are in. I know this because I'm repping. Are they? Are they? I mean, well, you've already killed my, you've already killed my confidence. So, yeah, I do feel pretty Bengals right now. Thank you.

Jason, though. Man, Jason got a hell of a draw here. Jason is representing some of the finest teams. He's got the Browns. He's got the Colts. He's got the Raiders. He's got the Packers. I looked, and I'm pretty sure, and I'm sorry this happened to you, Jason, that you are representing a pretty good collection of championship teams, especially because you also have, looking towards the end of the draft, the Eagles, the Pats, the Saints, and the Seahawks.

Congratulations. You've won, like, so many Super Bowls. Yeah, I have a lot of down-trodden franchises that won titles long, long, long ago, and everyone's forgot about them, such as the Saints and Browns. I trust you to be so responsible with that Saints pick. Absolutely. Oh, we're all looking forward to it. I think you're going to be extremely responsible with it. So we're going to start, Jason's up first, and then we've got Harry with the New York Giants,

Spencer's rep in the Jets, and then it's back to Jason. And we'll just sort of take it from there. We're not going to do the whole goddamn draft order. And before we start, this is both for Harry's edification and for that of the listener. And it would be the only edification we provide on this entire podcast, I promise. Oh, God. We are college football writers for the most part, college football fans. We watch a lot of college football.

The amount of seriousness that we are going to devote to this draft, both in picking, one, I think, positions of need for each team, if that's what you're looking for, No. No. Not a lot of guards flying off the board in this draft, I predict. Something tells me. No, no. If you think, hmm, you know what? I really want to hear what Jason's going to pull because he's got the Browns.

And I'm a Browns fan. And I'm really wondering what direction they're going to go. Yeah, man, bail. You need to leave. The Brown is kind of a bad example because I really might do better. You might? Yeah, I think you might. For my example.

Okay. Actually, we're at QB again because I guess the Jets. Yeah, go figure. The Jets need a QV. They got Teddy. They got Teddy. Now they're fine. For the 48th year in a row.

See, it's easy. This shit is easy. Just draft a quarterback. So am I on the clock now then? All right. You're on the clock. I'm just getting you back on. I love that NFL draft song.

All right. I'm on the clock. Cleveland Brown's number one pick. We got to go quarterback just because. Because if you got the number one pick and you have a quarterback who is pretty good, obviously you need to try to add another one who is pretty good. Anyway, the NFL is the NFL. So in my heart of hearts, Baker Mayfield is the pick here.

Most proven quarterback in the draft, the highest ceiling in the draft, whether you go by production, however you want to measure it at the college level. I have confidence he's going to come in and. spite himself to the Pro Bowl, no matter where you put him. It'll take a while if we're talking about the Browns. But there's a higher motive here. It's time to draft Josh Allen to own the libs. Josh Allen is my number one pick.

The Giants are on the clock. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. You know, Jason, honestly, if I were you, you know, speaking as a college football fan myself, I think we all can agree here that we all. love us some Lamar Jackson, and the New York Giants certainly need a quarterback. I know Sequin Barclay is a very popular pick here, but I am going with our college football playing son, and I'm going with Lamar Jackson for the New York Giants because, you know, New York

needs some flair. And him and O'Dell Beckham, give me that. I need all that. Real fast. Spice. That's so, hold on. Are we moving, are we fattening Eli up and moving him to fullback or something? I mean, that wouldn't be a terrible alternative, you know? You've seen that beat. Play some blocking tied in. Yeah, you've seen that beach photo. He wants, Eli Manning wants to get a little thick. You can tell.

Yeah, he's responsible. He's not some Jason Witten in him. If Lamar can play wide receiver, right? Yeah, that shirtless photo to me, that said, room to grow. That's certainly. That's exactly what it is. Spencer, you're on the clock. Yeah, I am on the clock.

By the way, Eli Manning has the look of a man who always eyes your basket of grouper nuggets at the beachside restaurant, right? Oh, delicious crew for nuggets. What Eli face actually is, is it's the face of somebody who's saying, like, I know when they come back to ask if we want more chips, I should say no, but I don't want to say no. I do want more chips. Why can't we? So I, representing the definitely got there all on his own,

Woody Johnson's ownership group for the New York Jets have the honor of trying to choose a signal caller. That is the need that the Jets have. and in truth, Jets, fashion, I'm taking tight end, baby. I'm taking it to end. You waited 48 hours outside on the pavement to get in, wearing your Jets jersey, wearing your fireman Ed hat, drinking sparks that you kept after they discontinued making original recipe sparks for 72 hours, drinking it straight, get into the draft. And guess what?

Fuck you. I'm proud to the tight end, because I'm an insane rich person who doesn't care whether we're actually competitive. It's the best. Mike Gisicki, Penn State, tight end. I love that the suspense of that, the drama of that was that

we were waiting to see whether you had a particular tidal in mind or it's just any tight end. Tell me, I didn't just do the Jets crowd and continue the tradition. Tell me. It'll work. It'll work. Fuck. Certainly. So that puts Jason back on the

clock at four with, you know, obviously his, I feel like Gassiki was definitely who he was going for there. So that really threw a curveball in my entire strategy. I'm going to draft Baker Mayfield now, which doubles the chances of me landing on the correct quarterback. And if we're being quite honest, the second choice is better than the first one. I'm going to try and get that, you know, the photo that goes viral every time, every season. of the Browns jersey with the quarterback names on the back, I'm trying to turn that thing into a whole, you know, like a ball gown. I want that thing, I want to, I want to, I want to train going behind that thing with like three servants having to carry the end of it. You know what I mean?

Sure. Yeah. Like a biblical, begot, begot, begot one of those chains. I like that. Yeah, we're going to be able to tell the earth is exactly 7,000 years old based on my Cleveland Brown's quarterback draft history. Um, gosh. So I have the fifth pick for the Broncos. I was not expecting things to work out the way that they did. This is going to be the most boring pick, but it's going to pay off later because I'm going to go ahead and take Saquan Barkley off the board here. And I'm doing that because, yeah, he's talented and yeah, Case Keenham gets a weapon and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But more importantly, now we're starting to go to the camera of Sam Darnold sitting in the green room. Sam Darnold just being like, it's fine. Just eat some more peanut brittle. Everything's fine. They said this might happen.

Don't worry about it. Don't worry about the fact that, like, I don't know. The next six teams or so already have a quarterback, and at best case, I'm going to be a bill. So just stay calm. Stay calm, Sam. Everything's fine. And then that's when Sam Darnold quietly starts to apply to take the L-Sat.

uh jason you're on the clock for the colts shit all right okay okay so um i don't know a single thing about what the colts need i know they have a quarterback when he is healthy which seems to be rare that harry that's correct right that is that is correct i can confirm this uh this news has anybody even seen andrew luck alive in like the last three months i feel like they're just sort of like bringing him out onto the balcony and hoping nobody notices oh he's asleep oh he's

very east resting leave him alone photograph him from afar but he's fine his shoulders fine yeah i mean he's uh he's been in hiding that's for sure i mean honestly the only time we see him nowadays is in the general andrew luck uh memes which at this point have been stolen many many times over um and uh yeah that's that's about his existence now i mean if you never came out on the field next year i mean i don't think anybody'd be surprised you know it's not like anybody really is playing for the quarterback for the Colts anyways nowadays, at least when he's hurt. Yeah, the cults are kind of post-quarterback.

Definitely. They've moved fast all that. They're starting a new trend. Yep. Yeah. How long do you... They'll just put a small forward out there. How long do you just let Andrew Luck sit there

before he becomes Jim Ursay's like giving tree? Or he just chops an arm off of him. You can take it because you need it. I love you. I'm going to hide my perkins. set inside your trunk. Have you read this pretty great book about percassette?

It's got a lot of cool facts on it. The beast is loose. I need to chop off your leg. Oh, that's okay. I make a lot of money. You'll blame your leg. So I'm going to veer away from the quarterbacks at this point because Ent, Andrew Luck, is entrenched in

Lucasfield oil state whatever it's called the national champs have yet to be represented here so let's go get Shatt Griffin of UCF he's a fucking baller so who can complain about that that's good that's like actually good

I like that pick love it all right now Tampa Bay Bucks fan Harry gets to represent his squad 813 what's up not my Buccaneers shout out Mount Bethel Elementary, though. Buccaneers, man, got a bunch

of needs. Not a very good NFC South team. They could probably use their running back, cornerback. And you know what? We're actually going to go with Mika Fitzpatrick for two reasons. Both of them have to do with his name because one, Mika Fitzpatrick is one of the best names in this

draft. And two, it gives them another Fitzpatrick to go along with Ryan. So that's why we're going to go, we're going to go in that direction. This is strictly a name inspired pick and that's that's pretty good for the buccaneers because they probably messes pick up otherwise i like how harry made an actual great pick um like minka very well could be the best player in this draft yeah he translated it for us you know what i mean like he made

it sound as dumb as he could so we'd be like oh yeah this is also good because it gives uh racists who live in tampa cover when they buy a jersey Not everyone in Tampa's race It's just some people Okay Just Hulk Hogan Brother I like that one Fitzpatrick brother

No the other one The Irish The one who's not a brother I'm just I'm very I'm disappointed that we don't have Chris Berman I'm really not But only because he would go

he would go so painfully dumb on that he'd be like Minka Coot Fitzpatrick You go Don't do it, don't do it Mink a coat This is another moment

where I'm going to make an accidentally good choice for the team that I'm assigned because the Chicago Bears are on the clock And to be honest if I didn't actually know what they needed I would still pick a linebacker

and I would still pick a linebacker in the middle because that's all I really know about the bears. I'm like, they always have a mighty middle linebacker, because I can name two of them. That's it. Like, historically, I can name like two, maybe three guys who played linebacker who were real good for the bears. Fortunately,

they actually do need a linebacker. So this time, I will play fake and actually do the correct thing. You cannot lose with a good, highly rated linebacker named Roquan. You can't. It's not possible. So I'm going to go ahead

and take Roquan Smith because he's legit bad y'all i mean bad i mean he is nasty he is real smart real good this is this is me actually playing along hi chicago i gave you roquan smith please be good to him he he's like he's he's just absolutely brilliant also him in the chicago area a lot of notre dame fans got a good look at him last year oh did they know how'd that go for him not too well for them but it it's it bodes well for the bears he's what you're telling me is he's comfortable uh in the area yeah he's He can recruit the area. I was saying, you know, it's interesting.

If you play anybody in the NFL who plays a high school offense, he'll be able to read it. I saw him do that. Okay. So Spencer made a good pick. I'm going to make a not one, not good pick. The Niners have had an interesting offseason, an interesting couple of years, really. They've had some relatively solid draft picks. They made what looks like it's going to be one of the better trades.

Definitely in franchise history. maybe in league history, to get Jimmy Garoppolo. And you think, okay, the pieces are starting to come together. What's sort of like the cherry that we can add to this Sunday with the ninth pick? And it's a kicker. So I'm giving you Florida's own Eddie Pinero. Because now, this is really more for Eddie's sake. I want Eddie to be able to play on a team that has a fucking offense and can throw the ball.

I want him to experience it because he suffered. and he deserves it. And he deserves a chance to just say, oh, it's only a 38-yard field goal? Fine. I don't have to try 58-yard field goals all the goddamn time. Eddie, this is for you. I made this pick for you.

And also because I work with a crazy Knighters fan and the idea of taking a kicker. Just the idea that he would throw up if they did this with the ninth pick is really valuable to me. Oh, that is beautiful. Alex's shitty slack. Hey, those things are beautiful, damn it.

They're a form of art. Jason, Jason, Jason, Oh, I'm on the clock. Finish the top ten with the Raiders. All right, so the Raiders brand is what I care about most here. The Raiders brand is you go and you draft the fastest guy who can be pointed in one general direction. Will he know what to do once he gets there?

It won't matter. He'll be the first one there. but um harry is this right that the raiders like they're they're they have like the most expensive offensive line now they're like yes the opposite of the old brand basically i do believe that yeah and i think that has a lot to do with uh are there's current swaggerless owner with the the swaggy haircut you know yeah yeah he's norm we're gonna fix it's norm core okay it's different we're gonna go get dante jackson from lSU this class is fastest guy he's a good player play some cornerback do they need one i couldn't tell you he's fast

not important all all teams just say you need depth just say he was the best player available whenever you do whenever you feel like you may have made the wrong choice and didn't pick somebody for need just say but he's the best player top player on our board we had him top four we're surprised he fell this far you don't have any offensive line this is this is the third round how did you have him in your top four well we just did i don't know what to tell you we know more than everybody else um again florida's own harry harry lyles uh representing the the state of no i can't keep that up uh harry you're on the clock for the miami dolphins i'm sorry as the uh gm of the dolphins i would first off i know we still have old we still have sam darnell sitting in the in the green room

don't we yeah absolutely yeah all right well i'm giving him a phone call right now and i'm kind of dragging this out a little bit and then i'm going to let him know that we're going to draft j t barrett number 11 overall pick out of Ohio State. You know, one of the best quarterbacks in Big Ten history, we're going to go with old JT. And Sammy is still sitting in the green room. I mean, we saw him play head to head, didn't we? Sure did.

Sure did. And that worked out in his favor pretty well there. So, you know, now I guess we've got Buffalo on the clock, and, man, that warm weather just got a whole lot colder. Sheesh. Quite unfortunate. Oh, man. I, you know, I don't know why for some reason I thought maybe Harry's going to come on and, like, do a serious, nope, not at all.

Harry gets the drill here. Oh, no. Great job. Absolutely not. All right, Spencer, you, uh, I do want to pause here really quickly. If somebody does want to Photoshop milk hyper's hair onto a photo of Spencer with his beard in its current status, would love that. Spencer, you're on the clock for the Buffalo Bills, the Buffalo Football Bills. uh yeah that apparently uh you know you lose a richie incognito and you need somebody who's uh like richie

incognito a cop right he's a cop and they don't really have any offensive linemen and the thing here to do would be with the first pick to take the glamorous pick to go get like we still have Josh Rosen on the board right we yeah we got we got Rosen we got Donald we got some quarterback council yeah he's in the green room he's got his like fuck Trump hat on right he's you know he's doing something super millennial just to annoy all the gms watching including me and i don't like that short attention me first got to know why i'm asking you to do something anti-authoritarian stuff yeah buddy that's why i'm going to go get a thug i'm going to go get quentin nelson from notre dame that's which is actually a good pick again it is actually a really

good pick it is a real good pick from buffalo what's wrong because quentin nelson Quentin Nelson plays offensive line like somebody who might be a bad person. Welcome to Buffalo. Welcome to Buffalo. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Do do, do, do do, do do. Oh, shit, there has been a trade. There has been a trade.

Washington was in position to make the 13th pick, but fellas, big, big breaking news here. They have traded with the Minnesota Vikings. That's right. They have got Kirk Cousins going back to Washington. He thought he was free, but it's not happening. Minnesota has traded up and in this slot, that's right. Sam Darnold, I have given you a home. I have given you a cold weather football home in Minnesota.

You will be so quickly judged and hated by Minnesota Vikings fans who will still wear all of the Kirk Cousins gear that they bought because they're thrifty. and they recognize the value of a dollar. So if you think that they're just going to, oh, we're not going to wear our custom Kirk Cousins shirts and jerseys, nope, they're wearing all that shit. They don't have money for Sam to Arnold stuff anymore. Oh, you know, and you know, we can still make it work

because if I take my cousin to the game and he wears his cousin's jersey and I got my cousin's jersey on, we're all correct. Your cousins. So yeah, Kirk Cousins enjoy life back in Washington. Yep, that's right. you are back in a two-quarterback situation. Nothing good can happen to any of us. Think about Alex Smith.

How could you possibly do that to him? That is so cruel. That is so cruel. Well, I think Alex Smith also only thrives when he's in a two-quarterback system, right? Like, he always needs someone else. Yes, yes. It's the Batman Joker relationship. Except that Batman could only throw batarangs like seven to eight yards.

I think if it's Kurt Cousins and Alex Smith, that's like two Commissioner Gordons. We look great in Trenchcoats. I need a frail, wily looking man in a windbreaker. That's Alfred and Alfred. All right. Jason, you're back on the clock for Greenback. My Packers are on the clock, and I was going to do a stupid joke pick. because as I understand it, the Packers need defense, boring stuff like defense. So I was going to go get Dimitri Flowers, the Oklahoma fullback,

just because the Packers should always have a lot of fullbacks. But y'all left Josh Rosen available. And Aaron Rogers is, I don't know, leaving or something. I don't know. So let's go get another smart-ass fearless chill quarterback who's really good from the state of California. This is great. Let's just swap him right on in there. Now you and I have created a good division.

Divisional Rivalry. We've taken two young men out of California and made them play in the Wintry North because, you know, college is the only good time in your life, basically. This is, uh, this is shape. I love the narrative we've set up here. It's going to be great. Spencer, uh, actually not just Spencer, audience members. I want everybody to close your eyes, assuming you're not driving a car. Spencer, you're not driving a car, right? not a car no okay well that's terrifying close your eyes anyway I want you to picture I want you to picture a man

I'm going to paint you a word picture of this man his his life is hellish his diet rough man it's mostly mozzarella sticks twice baked potatoes

a lot of grease a lot of saturated fat why is his diet like this because he's always on the road constantly touring the country Not big cities, not, you know, not Tokyo, not Austin, not even Atlanta, Miami, New York. He's going to the small places. And why is he doing this?

He's doing this because he's a contract killer. And he goes to where witness protection is. And he finds people who have ratted unorganized crime. And he kills him. Okay. Now, you combine these two things, the stress of the diet that he, that he consumes, the emotional stress of the dread task he has taken upon himself through generous compensation from his employers. What do you think this man's hair looks like?

I'm going to guess that with that diet, the stress and the ever-demanding stress of age, that it's probably creeping back. This is what I'm guessing. It's probably losing hair. That's incorrect. His hair is amazing. and it's frosted because the man I've just told you about is Guy Fieri. That's right. Guy Fierry, actually a contract killer, diners drive-ins, drives in, and whatever the word. Triple D. Triple D, it's just a front for him to kill witnesses for the government.

But you're not Guy Fierre. Spencer, you're not Guy Fierry. Darn right. I'm not Guy Fierry. Our bodies can barely take, like, normal amounts of human stress. Guy Fierry is sort of this. superhuman. So assuming you listener are also not Guy Fierry and if you are, Guy, absolutely

call us, we would love to talk to you. I don't know about what. I feel like there's probably not going to be a deep conversation but let's at least open ourselves to the possibility. What's the worst that could happen, Guy Fierry? But if you're not, for everybody else, Spencer, what are we

here to talk about? We're here to talk about what to do about that, if you're normal. And things are, you know, taking a toll on you. We're here to talk about forhims.com. These stats, man, 66% of men lose their hair by age 35. Guy Fieri, 72. But you wouldn't know it because, again, he's impervious to all of our normal human stressors. Can't be killed, can't even be slowed down. But you can. How do you combat the ravages of time

and the world around you, you try hymns, you try science, because now that baldness, that thinning, that creeping line of hair, that can be optional. They've got well-known generic equivalents to name brand prescriptions. They want to help you keep your hair. And in the same way that Guy Fieri cannot go to the hospital with a gunshot wound, because that's how the government starts to track you down and identify who is the diners serial killer. You don't have to go to the waiting room. You don't have to go to the doctor's visit. You just go to forhims.com.

We're going to make it much like extra fruit being drizzled over Guy Fieri's cheesecake. Again, the only way he consumes fruit, we're going to sweeten the deal for you. Tell him about it, Spencer. Well, in order to order now, if you would like to do that, and I strongly encourage you to, because like Guy Fieri, you know, you want to rock in this life, right? you want to go from town to town covered in flames like a beautiful car like the gorgeous

stretched limousine of good living you want to be our listeners, they're going to get a trial month of Hems for just $5 today. Right now, as the people say in the ad industry, while supplies last. If you

want, go to Hems.com slash shutdown. That's right. For Hems, F-O-R-H-I-M-S, dot com slash shutdown and that's and you know before we close us out you're probably wondering i didn't know guy feary was a contract killer what if he's coming for me if he is there's nothing you can do you can't stop him you will just be another another deep fried pickle spear going down his dread golet and that's the way it is but it's If you're going to go out, at least go out with good hair

because guy right before he pulls that trigger and he always looks you in the eye before he pulls the trigger because that's important to him, that connection. That's the only human connection he has left. He's going to look at you and he's going to say, hey, sweet hair, bro. Gentlemen, if I may, I would like to comment on the Packers' pick. I would like to add that the real value here

is that they're getting a quarterback that probably has a better relationship with his family. And I think that's very important here. And that's going to take the Packers to the next level. He does. He talks about his parents a lot. You know, so I mean, that's the kind of player you want on your roster.

I mean, I don't know about you guys, but that's quite a winner. He's yet to disown his brother. I hope Josh Rosen also does the Aaron Rogers thing where in his pregame announcement, he doesn't reference his college. He just burns UCLA all together.

And he's just like, uh yeah your belinda tennis academy that's where i'm from fuck you ucla i you know this is the one thing you notice by the way the NFL's so dysfunctional just as a human enterprise that aaron rogers doesn't talk to his family and you know that there are people in the packers front office who are like he gets it he's so committed he's focused so focused the most i think knowing knowing josh rose in the way we know him i think in that that opening lineup he's just gonna say why all right harry you're on the clock for the arizona cardinals Arizona Cardinals my Arizona Cardinals man well you know they they could probably use

a quarterback here because I know they don't want to you know pay Sam Bradford $20 million for more than one season but guess what we're not going to go that route we're going to get them a wide receiver and there are some talented ones in this class I think Calvin Ridley is probably the best one but we're going to reach again here we're going to go with the guy from Notre Dame. How do you say this young man's name? We're going to call him ESB. Help me out what this college football is.

Equanimius, is that Equanimus St. Brown? Equinium Heptem Heson J. St. Brown. Isn't that that's the name of the new Dave Chappelle special? Yep. Yes. Yeah, we're going with him. It's actually my favorite Dave Bruback album, so it's perfect. Also, he speaks like nine languages, so all the politicians in Arizona

will chase him around the state angrily. That's the real value. That's how, but he's elusive. That's the important thing. Spencer, you're on the clock for Baltimore. Free basing old bay in a pair of purple and black zoobaz. That's me, baby. I'm told that they need a wide receiver,

and because Baltimore doesn't have wide receivers which makes sense. They really only had like one ever and that was like Steve Smith he was more of a fighter. Yeah well no you're on to my tack here

you see the path the gilded the gilded path that I am trotting in getting down here because normally I would think here that if you wanted a wide receiver and you wanted a real good one and one that you know you're like I'm a

Graftnick. I saw this. I'm real smart. All these other dummies didn't pick this up. I'd go with James Washington from Oklahoma State. Sure, he's the second, like, ranked guy by position, but, you know, he played in, he played in Stillwater. Nobody saw him. He played in one of those gimmicky college offenses. Wrong! I'll pick somebody I know as a brawler. I'm pick somebody I know has been in a fight. I'm going to pick somebody I know is nowhere close to the 5-11 he's listed at, okay? That's Anthony Miller from Memphis. Okay? Damn right

He's fast as hell He's short He's mean Perfect for Baltimore I like I like Steve Smith Because he's sort of like He's if you started an RPG

As a magic user And you're like Yes I'll be a wide receiver But then you started dumping all your points Into like combat Like strong attack Weak A weak attack

And you're like Oh you're not really doing the match Shut up I'm a magic user Who loves to fight That's what I am It's like Your character literally cannot pick up a sword

so you're hitting people with a staff. It's magic. It's magic how bad I put you to sleep. Heal self. Why would I need to do that? I never lose points. Spell. I'll spell K.O.

All right. I'm going to do a really boring pick. Derwin James is still on the board, and I have to put them on the chargers. In part, because maybe if I'm the Chargers and I'm like God, Philip Rivers is still around.

Maybe we can convince him to wear a non-contact jersey in practice. Maybe we can tell Derwin James just like, hey, you know, we're trying to move the franchise along. You think you can, oh yeah. Oh, yeah, I'll, what do you want? Ruptered kidney? Coming up. Derwin James, you are here, and you are here to kill your own quarterback.

Wow. Yeah, wow. okay um i'm up on the board for seattle we are going to stay local we're going to go get hercules matahafa from washington state but a little bit of a tweener doesn't have a position play d t in college but he's pretty small could be an edge could even be a linebacker if he if he slimmed down a bit in the pros but no no this is seattle buddy we're converting him to offensive linemen all Could he be worse? Could he be worse than some of the current options?

No. Like I said, we're here to make stupid jokes and actually improve your NFL team. You know, Seattle's basically arcade fire, right? Like, you play violin? Wrong, you're our drummer now. Muscle confusion, the roster. Zero brush. All right.

Harry, you're up for Dallas. Yes, I am up. The Cowboys, they could really use a wide receiver. Des Bryant is gone. He is rumored to be going a bunch of different places that I don't care about. And, you know, the Cowboys are still owned and operated by Jarrah Jones, and, you know,

he likes to mix shit up. And that's what we're going to do at this pick. You know, we're going to take Will Hernandez out of U-Tap. and he plays on the offensive line, but we are not going to play Will Hernandez on the offensive line. We are going to make him the Dallas Cowboys's new kicker. Because there is video of him knocking down a 40-yarder in practice. So guess what, Dan Bailey?

Even though you're one of the best ever kick in the NFL and one of the best today, you're gone. We're going to go with Will Hernandez, the big guy, the kicker. Is he also on kickoff duties? Because I really like the idea of somebody being like, oh, it's just the kicker to beat. Oh, God, he's huge. Oh, Jesus Christ.

it's perfect stick them in midfield just just leave him on like the 20 and if he's got to get there you know i think he ran a sub 640 so you know you got a shot he's a big guy i like the idea of having to fly take a 17 hour flight from el paso to dallas well you got to go to san francisco first there's no directs right you got to lay over that makes it that makes it shorter actually don't ask how all right the math works uh spencer's tour of sad football teams continues with the detroit lions. I can't believe he's still on the board because even though some of us are making joking picks, I'm going to make a pick here that I think is both a joke and serious.

Detroit needs a running back, and Detroit also needs a defensive lineman of some sort. They don't have any. They just don't. And tackle? Sure. Whatever. Why don't you get somebody who can play all three? Why don't you get somebody who might, I don't know, feasibly line up at strong safety, too,

if you needed him too. Someone's so nimble, fast, and terrifying that his name itself will be what he brings to opponents. That is correct. I'm taking Alabama's own. Duran Payne. That's a surprisingly good pick.

Actual good picks. This is a great pick. This shit ain't so hard. I'm going to make probably a good pick too as well for the Bengals. Yeah. You know, you think of you're, I'm taking a guy who's coming from, an establishment college football program, a school where change is not a thing that happens.

They have stability in coaching. They mostly have stability in record. Have they won or played for a national championship? No. Are they consistently in the postseason? Yes. Do they play well there? It doesn't matter.

That's kind of what the Bengals are. So Josh Jackson, we're just moving you from college football Iowa to the NFL's Iowa, the Cincinnati Bengals. Also, they both have had the same coach since 1940. Exactly. And sometimes it's not even clear that the coach still wants to be there, especially in the case of the Bengals. Like, I really believe that the Bengals, the Bengals got divorced this offseason, and then both parties went out and tried dating for about a month and said, oh, Jesus. Oh, God, this sucks.

Yeah, let's just stay. It's loveless, but let's stay together. I don't want to have to find a roommate. I really feel like every two years, I'm like, Marvin Lewis, where is he these days? What? Still? Still? Still? Still?

Still. Yeah. Still, listen. The sign on the restaurant says, the 96-ounce steak is free if you eat it in one sitting. And yeah, he's been here for a week, but he hasn't stood up. Except it's 96 ounces of spaghetti noodles. All right.

Spencer back with the bills two picks you lucky idiot I will tell you my role playing airtight perfect locked up with how I believe a bill's draft would really go because I forgot I had a second pick all right so let's assume for purposes of this draft we're going to assume that Spencer did not make his pick on time and I'm going to put Jason on the clock with the pass and if you no no i have a pick yes yes it was no with the 23rd you got to beat me to oh no no no no i got my index card all right i'm not mike tyson this shit who do you want um i was going to go ahead and nobody i believe that they need a quarterback and we skipped it the first time so i think this time we're going to pick up you know a guy who i was like who's going to really appeal

to the Buffalo Bills fan base. Just by name. You know, hard, hard scrabble, economically anxious upstate New York. That's why I'm going with the Hilltoppers' own. Western Kentucky's Mike White White, White Mike. White Mike. Man, when White Mike gets picked for real, we're putting out a meme.

I want you to think about legions of Husky Bills fans wearing jerseys that say white on the back and everybody being like, yeah, we know. I want to Tables. Why am I? Crunch. How would this go with a fan base

that was, I don't know, somewhat ambivalent about Tyrod Taylor being benched for who? Nathan Preet, that's the thing. This is a joke pick, but Nathan Piederman seriously started an NFL game last year. They could absolutely

draft Dwight Mike and play him. This is not a joke pick. This is an actual upgrades. And let us not forget how efficient Nathan Peterman was. I mean, he did throw five interceptions on 14 passes. Yeah, that's some players, that takes multiple

games. Not Nathan Peterman. He jams it all in there, all into one compact, terrible moment. Hey, very few incompletions, okay? Unbelievable. Catchable passes. It's about throwing a catchable ball. You didn't say to whom you did not say to whom all right jason now you can make your patriots pick the dreaded new england patriots are on the clock um so if we were allowed trades obviously

i would trade down to role play as bill bellichick role playing as bill bellichick that would probably trade down with yourself with the patriots other pick oh i i i have a second patriots pick okay here's what i'm going to do the patriots are trading down with the patriots and they somehow Now they Bitcoined their way into like nine fourth round picks. No one knows how. But what are you going to say? They unlocked the mythical eighth round. Nobody knew how.

Yeah, the whole eighth round. It's all them. All right. So Patriots, we know the type. Oddly shaped white guys, right? I have an oddly shaped white guy who also played lacrosse. Okay, well, that's not me. So, all right, I feel better.

I was going to say, the usual forecast member. We are going with. Athletic Ryan Nann. God damn it. We're going to take Ohio State's Sam Hubbard, who is White, 6-5, former lacrosse player, and deceptively athletic. So deceptively athletic. And he's played multiple positions while at Ohio State.

I mean, really just a player's coach. Yeah. And his name's Hubbard. On the field. Sam Hubbard. On the field. It's basically humble, his name. so basically um harry i don't know how you accidentally got stuck picking half of the nfc south

and not your half but you did so you have to pick for the panthers now i think you guys unintentionally did that so i could wreak havoc and i'm actually not going to do that on this pick the panthers need a wide receiver we're going to go get him a wide receiver we're going to get him calvin ridley out of alabama but this really isn't going to work out that great for the panthers because well, Cam Newton is still taking this whole Auburn, Alabama thing, really seriously. So every time he throws the ball to Ridley, it may just be a little bit overthrown, but he's still going to look at him like, hey, why the hell didn't you catch that shithead? So, you know, this could be a bad pick, but on paper it looks great.

It'll be interesting to see Cam overthrowing a receiver. I can't imagine what that would look like. Not once, you know. All right. Well, Tennessee's own. Tennessee's proudest son. Mama called. Mr. Three Star himself.

Nashville's Spencer Hall. Yeah, this is a unique situation for me because I was born in Nashville. I don't have really any sort of fond feelings toward it usually. In fact, there's kind of a general low boil of antipathy toward where I grew up. However, I will say that, you know, in recent years, my emotions have softened. and then it came time to make this pick and I realized that no, no, y'all can eat shit

I guess what you need is an edge rusher and I'm not giving you that I'm dropping latent van derrash out of Boise State for you there's your outside pressure a man who couldn't be in coverage weighs 256 pounds and his 6-4 we'll just mock him as a D-E

I'm wasting a first round draft pick on a guy from Boise State on the defense bye y'all It's not a horrible thing. No, it's really not terrible. We've done worse. Yeah, we've done worse. We've done way, way worse on this.

If I really wanted to go like super bad and just get somebody, like, I don't want to say a player's like really bad. I could have just given them a kicker. I could have just given them, you know, like J.K. Scott. Don't steal. Don't steal my strat. Okay. All right. So I have to pick for the Falcons.

And I want to be responsible here. And I'll be honest, I had Mike Gisicki on my board. I did not know that he was going to be a top three pick. But clearly, Spencer recognized the greatness I did. I'm going to give the Falcons Darius Geis. They don't need a running back. I don't care. That's fucked up.

I just want to do it. Now I see how the other 25 fan bases feel about what we've done here today. I just want to do it because you know that he's not a bad player. So you can't be mad at me because I sandbagged you like that. You just know that that's not what you needed. Literally the last thing we needed, yeah. But you know what? We can make this work, though.

We can make this entertaining for us, right? Because kind of like, you know, GIF in GIF, instead of Geist, we're going to make him juice. And so every time he gets a bottle and say the juice is loose. Right. So there it is. Problems solved. Listen, and if you've been following social media tonight, Monday, April 23rd, you know that Julio Jones is basically retiring from football.

That means Matt Ryan has no options. The Falcons might as well go to triple option. Get as many running backs as you can at this point. Yep. Why not? Sure. Jason, revenge is yours now because you get to pick for the New Orleans Saints. Nothing to avenge because we have the all-time series record.

Sure do. What a college football fucking thing to say. I'm from Georgia, boy. Mm-hmm. That's right. So just to further tamped-down little brother, we're going to go ahead and give him Gerhard DeBeer, NFL.com's lowest rated prospect in this class. He is a 260-pound offensive lineman who moved here like three years ago. Good athlete, but I don't think he'll see the field as an NFL offensive lineman. I like that he sounds like a corrupt South African diplomat.

He is from South Africa. and probably a corrupt diplomat, actually. Diplomatic immunity. Oh, man. All right. Yeah, I'm next up. I've got the Steelers. This is Harry's last pick, so I want to make this one count, don't I?

Damn, okay. Wow. Steelers, known for their defense. And if I'm not mistaken, we've left one pretty good. edge rusher on the board and his name is bradley chub uh what the fuck happened here how did that happen a little bit of a little bit of a steel we're not i don't mean to i don't mean to reach here we're not actually good at this i'm i'm going to go with the the nc state product we're going to go with mr bradley chub

a very stealer's pick we're 28 picks in vita vea is probably not getting drafted in the i mean don't we have josh rosen just sitting around no he finally got got but the quite possibly the best player just went at 28. Just went at 28 to the Steelers. Oh, God. Made it count. They needed some help, yeah. All right.

Spencer, I'm excited for this pick. No, I think this is actually my finest pick because the Jacksonville Jaguar is coming off a spectacularly successful season, which I know about, because I watched at least two NFL games last year, and the Jags were in one of them, and it was at the end of the season.

what they need I don't really care because we're going to select the most Duval player available and by that I mean the most shit-talking Arkansas's Matt Jones he's back

you know we're not that far off of this attitude-wise and you'll see where I'm going with this because I need somebody who basically is talks a tremendous amount of shit right has no fear of anyone

no matter what the score might be even if it is not in his favor and I will ask you there was one college football player last year who in a blowout loss extended double middle fingers to the opposing fan base in the end zone who was that Tennessee's own

cornerback Rashon golden that's right the Jags select Tennessee's Rashon Galden strictly for that move alone Tennessee with a first round pick now I've seen everything making dreams come true turning fan next

into reality. Okay, so this is the pick that Washington has now. They traded down so that Minnesota could get Kirk Cousins could send Kirk Cousins their way. So now they've got

Kirk Cousins and they've got Alex Smith. Fuck it, Mason Rudolph! Mason Rudolph, you will probably end up being the starter, and we'll all get to talk about how Dan Snyder is paying two guys' starter money, and neither one of them starts for his team. Three, right? Well, yeah, I mean, Mason Rudolph will probably just work for, like, I don't know, jerky or something like that.

They don't have any salary cap left to pay him. He's an intern. This is technically an internship, yes, he's working towards an MBA. All right. And now Jason has the last two picks for the Patriots and the Eagles. Go birds. Oh, man. Okay. Don't let us down. All right. We are going to go get another white guy who doesn't act like a white guy, on the field, at least. Goodness knows, off the field. Squeaky clean. Squeaky clean as can be. I'm just guessing.

We're going to get Troy Apki from Penn State, the white guy who famously stunned Dion Sanders by being fast. at the NFL Combine, Dion, was so amazed to see a white guy run that he went down to the field to dab him up and give him a hug and basically to say, wow, dude, you're white. Thanks.

So I think it's fair to call him the whitest player in this draft just because, I mean, you know, it's not like anybody else has been called out on national TV just for being white. To be clear, Spencer had the bill's draft white Mike. I did.

I mean, I mean, he is for, from Kentucky. Okay. All right. Just go ahead. I just, by the way, by the way, Jason and Jason and Harry relevant to this,

he's also my leading pick in this draft to, who has my sleeper to race the freeze at a Braves game. Oh, goodness. And then with the Eagles, shit, you know what I did? I had Josh Allen down here

just because they already have Carson Wentz, so why not get knockoff Carson Wentz? And I have no clue. Harry, what do they need? Anything? I mean, you know, when you've got it all, what do you really need? I mean, you know, they got Michael Bennett this offseason. They're pretty stacked. I mean, we can go anywhere here.

Just let's get creative with it. Let's get stupid. They're going to trade down to the Browns and the Browns draft Kyle Laletta. They need another quarterback. Is there any reason why, like, I know in between, you know, the commissioner in the first round announces the picks, but in between that, the podium is just empty. and I feel like when you're on the clock

you should have the right to send somebody to the podium and no they can't make the pick but let's get Kelsey back up there let's get him up there and just talking some shit about who didn't believe

they said Philadelphia was a garbage city made of flaming turds yeah all right we'll do that we'll forfeit our entire 15 minutes just so Jason Kelsey can talk that they said they said Nick Foles was the little kid from Jerry McGuble

wire. That's what they said. Roger Goodell is a skinny fat guy. And I'm a fat, fat guy. They said Doug Peterson brushes his teeth with cookies. Mike Lombardi, the ranger. I mean, can you do that?

I'm not a loud hawking animal from the road warriors. They're not as colorful as I am. Can I can I can I, by the way, can I go over who we left on the board real quick? Sure, yeah, yeah. Please, yes. Fuck. Now correct me if I'm wrong because I'm just going off of my memory here, okay?

Well, I'm going to open up SB nations mocking the draft and you name who you can and I'll just go through her, whoever else we also missed. Did we not pick up? No one touched the incredibly talented Derwin James. No, I did take D. No, James, right? Okay, so you took him, okay? Yes. No one, no one, no one, no one bit on Cortland Sutton, right?

Correct. Nope. No one bit. Wait, did, did we say the name, Sequin Barclay? Yes. God, you're, God, you're taking, God, you're taking sure. This is why you weren't in charge. This is why there are 32 names and I am trying to remember them like off the top of my head.

Let you let me handle this. Okay. Yes. We did not, uh, Tremaine Edmonds, considered possibly a top 10. Oh, good job. Yeah, good job. Out of Virgin Tech. Denzel Ward.

didn't find him uh vita vea as i said harold landry i don't believe we got him uh nobody took mike mcglinchie tackle from notre dundi on conqueror did we take him i don't believe so dj more from maryland nobody took him tavin brian flor yeah we did uh listen a florida player went in the first round that's all that that's all that really matters here um i don't think anybody took rshawn Evans or Isaiah win so we did I would say of the most recent espionation mock draft first rounders uh we probably hit 20 of 32 that's not bad I mean I would say there were only like two or three of those that I was like oh shit that's a huge minute you know like Corlin Sutton sure I could see him going at a second or

whatever sure you know and listen J.C. Barrett went before Josh Rosen that's the important thing. Best pick, in my opinion. That's the pick that, like, is perfectly placed for Dolphins fans to just be furious. Just absolutely. Also, let us not forget,

we were four picks away from going without Bradley Chubb. Yeah. Four picks. Yeah, that was pretty close. See, that's why we brought Harry on. He saved. That was the, see, and then see, you guys, you got your money's worth. That's the one good pick that I made. And it's a very, you know,

realistic NFL pick if he's on the board. I like when you sent Lamar Jackson to the Giants and did so by just proclaiming that they don't have a quarterback. Just stating it is a matter of fact. Sure don't. If you say that, does Eli just like, oh, okay, I guess I'm a lot of quarterback. I mean, after last year, I would definitely say Cooper Manning is second in the tree in power rankings, the Manning Power Ranking. I just want to play Switch anyway. Switch is my new best friend.

You know, you know where Eli should go? he should go and play across the hallway for the Jets so he can throw to old breaking tight end Mike Kisicki you're a millionaire Mike

I want you to think what a terrible existence you've cursed Mike Kusicki too talented tight end has a lot to offer had a great combine and if he's the third overall picked of the fucking Jets he might

as well quit now He can play a basketball. He'll go play for the Nets. For the Nets? This is better? Are you kidding me? I want you to think about how much this could happen. Yeah, it's all totally possible.

New York, your team suck. Yeah, this isn't news to anyone. Also, why do we have so many of them? I mean, it's news because most of the rest of us don't pay any attention to your town. It's just when we look up and think about it, we realize like, oh, wow, that's a lot of bad teams. Listen, this is a fried chicken city, okay? sports are just background to us. It's true, I understand.