Shutdown Fullcast - Shutdown Fullcast 9

Episode Date: November 6, 2013

Ryan, Jason, and Spencer review week nine's slate, discuss how Texas law requires the leak of every email ever sent to anyone, and figure out that Nick Saban appeared on television to recruit someone's lonely grandmother. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Go ahead. Go ahead, Brian. You have a, you have a trivia game for us to play. I would like to test it out. I think it has potential. The name of this trivia game is Florida or Purdue. So how the game works is I'm going to ask each of you two questions in alternating order. And then there's a bonus question that is worth enough points to render the other questions to move. So, Jason, just wait your turn. Oh. This is like Jeopardy rules. You buzz in too early and you won't even hear the full question.

And also I have a mustache. Spencer, the first question is for you. Which team has more defensive sacks, Florida or Purdue? Purdue. That's incorrect. The answer is Florida, but it's 18 by three. Florida has 13 sacks. Purdue has 10.

Jason, which team has lost more? Fumbles, Florida or Purdue? I'm going to go Purdue because that would make Florida look even worse if they've gotten lucky with fumbles. Yeah, Florida has lost more fumbles than Purdue. They've lost eight. All right. Spencer, this one might be the easiest question. Which team has more penalties this year?

Florida. Florida. Florida. That's correct. Florida had 20 penalties in Perdue. 20? 20 is correct. Yeah.

Jason, which team has more passing yards this year? Florida or Purdue? Can I get a third option? No, no. I want to remind you that Purdue might not even have a quarterback. I've seen Florida complete passes, so Florida. Incorrect. The answer is Purdue.

A hundred more passing cards in Florida. All right, so I think Spencer is already one, but Spencer, I'm going to let you get the bonus question. You can stop talking. No, no, this is important. Which team, Florida or Purdue, has more first-half offensive touchdowns in the last month? Purdue. The answer is the tie, neither of them have a good-fellow.

Because Purdue hasn't even been in the red zone for the last month. Oh, yeah, they've just been, they've been so diplomatic, not wanting to offend any parties. I do like, by the way, that this is most a, this is like the most Purdue thing ever, is to say exactly within the 20s, they're like, what if we could turn football into Pong? And the walls were at the 20, and we just bounced back and forth between. them. Just lobbing field goals. Will Must champs like, I'll get that someday. Someday I'll have that perfection. Just trade the ball back at the 50 over and over again.

It's really like an equilibrium state, right? It's the most efficient way to do it. They've finally achieved it. It's gone beyond football. It's a form of chemistry and pads. Purdue football. It's less football and more science. Purdue football.

It's all potential energy. it's science just like the atomic bomb yeah so it's a great that's a fantastic start to the podcast yeah you win i'm so glad you brought that on i'm spencer hall that's ryan better known as celebrity hot tub i'm sorry yeah you should be i hate you um and uh joining us uh jason kirk sb nation college football editor hey hey hey i'm here i don't even want to bring breed now. Just thinking about... After all that, Florida.

God, that's like, seriously, like, the onion, have you ever, you know, the onion has the World Atlas, and I listened to it on the, like, audiobook version on a long trip, and they kind of jokingly go through the Congo and the Republic of Congo, and afterwards I didn't want to live, because they're like, ha ha, here's what really happens in the Congo, and it's like the worst thing you've ever heard, and you're crying, and not even a trip to stuckeys for a nice pecan log will lift your spirits that's how i feel now thanks oh let's talk about something legitimately happy let's talk about nick savin yay yeah special pressure uh according to his uh agent jimmy sexton through the convenient leak by the way does anyone in texas not

just share every email no i think texas they might as well just all be on um Google Plus. Yeah, they're all on a shared AOL email account. No, no, no. I saw this email, so it couldn't have been on Google Plus. It got shared. That's true. It left. It made the AP. So, actually, if it made the AP, I assume

it's on some Usenet. Right? Some sort of massive message board listserv that's gone unchanged and form or focus. It's entirely possible also that there's some Texas booster who prints all his email, right? and just this was retrieved from his garbage

he just puts them out in a big recyclable bin that says emails regarding Texas football program fresh emails to a good home just Chip Brown sifting through him every morning hey morning Chip man you're thrifty aren't you yep I haven't bought paper in years

but at this email which was of course conveniently shared for one political reason or another it's Texas I assume it was to screw somebody over was Jimmy Sexton telling them that Nick Sabin faced a special pressure at Alabama and that he would only consider Texas above any and all other schools

as the only place he would go were he to depart the University of Alabama? Special pressure is a euphemism for a prostate exam, right? Yeah, the only thing that comes to mind for me is your mom's under special pressure. Or on the great menu of like exotic hooker menus right somewhere in

somewhere in you know Thailand like special pressure you're like I'm gonna ask what that is because I don't want to just order it right no this is a lot of release forms I'm signing yeah that's it this is by the way like do we have any

actual motive as to why because I mean I have a few theories I just want to I want to hear yours why would this leak now besides the obvious reason that Nick Sable likes money. Nick Sabin's probably bored. You know, he has a game to prepare for this week, but it's probably got it all figured

out a few hours ahead of time, so might as well have it have it leak out now. Isn't the line on this LSU, like LSU's getting 11 points, 10 points, something like that? It started at like 8 or 9, yeah, I think. I think the line is now at 10. Okay, so maybe Sabin is annoyed that every. Everybody's just sort of back in there, oh, well, Alabama's just going to run the table, and we're just waiting to see who's going to play them in the national title game. So he's trying to stir the pot a little bit so that there's something.

He needs his team to have some sort of adversity, or he doesn't feel like things are right. It was this or either, you know, light somebody's car on fire in the parking lot. Yeah, it is, I believe it usually does the presser on Wednesday, the regular weekly presser. I believe it's on Wednesday. So now he's got something to get huffy at the media about it. to not talk about. So now you're saying that he's basically his own weather system.

Sure. Yeah, that he's just now dictating the He's the weather control machine. Info Wars. That's what this is. Nick Saban is a government agent planted to pacify the state of Alabama,

occasionally ruffle the waters, right? Just get everything stirred up and then just fix it with a victory. While the real work of turning the populace into robots, is done by the minions of the National Park Service police. Gay robots. Gay robots from Ombard.

Like those people from Auburn could build a damn robot. The title of my forthcoming sci-fi novel. I mean, like, what's the week of the, say, the Mizzou game and the SEC title going to be like, what kind of Texas rumors are going to come out of there? Like, Nick Sabin is the coach of Texas, according to rumor. from Jimmy Sexton says so. It won't actually be really poorly Photoshopped images of Sabin

that leak on boards and are quickly debunked. No, Nick Saban will actually go down, appear in, like he'll fly to Austin, right? Under an alien. Check in on Facebook. Exactly. He'll take pictures of himself sifting through that Texas Boosters garbage

has printed out emails, right? With Chip Brown smiling and giving the thumbs up, Saban will give Chip Brown like 20 grand out of his wallet. and say, this didn't happen. And then he'll go back to Alabama and be like, that's outrageous. People can put anything on the Internet these days. I'm trying to focus on the game.

And they'll kick Mizzou's ass by like 50 points. Yeah. And then before the National Pattle game, he's like wearing a Mac Brown mask. He's just like, just he and Ricky Williams and just every, like, McConaughey. Picture of him in bed with McConaughey. He like, that's just a Reagan mask. you painted the hair. Shut out, Mac Brown.

I'm only answering questions on the Longhorn Network about the national title games. I'm always convinced that Watson Brown and Mac Brown are actually the same person. And, you know, they just, he uses Watson Brown when he gets in over his head. Like when he took the Vanderbilt job and Watson Brown lost a bunch of games.

He's like, I've got to change back to my alias. Mac. Goes to North Carolina. Kick the ass. Best reboot I ever had. You've never seen them in the same place at the same time, have you? no yeah

that's got a point now neither of you watch the nick saving 60 minutes episode correct no no we're too young to watch that show

they do check ID at the door are you 30 are you 35 no come not at like six doesn't it I'm not even awake at six

man I don't get in the studio till 2 a.m. dropping my remixes by 9 have a little brunch go to sleep wake up that's how conier does it um yeah i uh i watched it and i will tell you what you missed you missed nick sabin berating like a 13 year old kid for having a week handshake sincerely it was not set up it's a magnificent scene they're going through handing out certificates for a football camp where nick sabin coaches little kids as if they are going into enders game okay like as if they are going to be defending the universe right and our children from malevolent aliens and when they're given their certificates their shaking hands and Sabin could not look more miserable one and two when given the weak hand shakes is come on come on now shake my hand and the kid turns around and like wow that guy doesn't like me like that's what his face says it's just whoa

What's wrong with that guy? And it's the greatest thing because it's the only person in the entire piece who's actually like, I think that guy's crazy. Everyone else is always going to make me a better man, better father, better leader. Only the 12-year-old kid turning away is like, yeah, I'm staying away from that guy. Do you think Nick Savenman has any idea what 60 Minutes is? Like, there's no way he watches it. 60 minutes, that's too long.

I mean, he's got to think it's good for recruiting in some way. so like he's out he's recruiting one specific grandmother there's one kid out in out in Dalton he's trying to recruit and that kid the grandmother is she's a she's a georgia lean but he's going to win her over because he's got a tap on her TV yeah he knows like what is what is what does granny Anderson watch well she watches a lot of 60 minutes and a lot of wow this is weird like a lot of supermarket sweep on DVD.

I don't know what that is. It's on CBS. I've never heard of that channel. Yeah. It's the Tiffany. It's on it every week. It's the Tiffany Network. I ain't got time to talk about crystals.

I would actually love to watch Nick Saban on Supermarket Sweep because he would just walk up the aisles carefully, orderly, put things in the basket piece by piece. The exact antithesis of the chaos supermarket sweep is supposed to be. I think he just tries to remove one of the shelves. Like, if you know how to wiggle them right, they'll pop right out. He grabs a bunch of those. He tried to call the manager. Oh, excuse me, there's no price on this shredded wheat.

I think you're missing the obvious joke that both in supermarket sweep and when shopping, Nick Saban goes to the 10 items or less aisle with a shocking amount of things in the basket and then gets rid of them picking the best ones from the basket and has them returned to the shelf by others. Oh. Oh, well, you know, that's for the Big Ten fan. all they have. Yeah. They cling to that and we are Penn State.

That's it. Enjoy that. That was for you guys. That was it. We love you. We love you, Big Ten. Enjoy us seven-win Minnesota team dominating. Woo!

Wish you're so honorable. You are. That's great. You made good decision 70 years ago when you weren't alive. Way to go. The other thing that you would really like from the piece, which you really should see, because they managed to piece together a whole story on Sabin. uh with eight months of work and i imagine they probably got eight minutes with him but they're

eight pretty good minute they're talking about when sabin was at uh like the town where he grew up and they show it and it's carolina west virginia which supports my theory that if you are named after another city that's in another state or a state that is the name of the town uh then that town is going to suck, right? Like if I told you, oh, you're in Mississippi, Texas. You're in the worst part of Texas if the town is called Mississippi, Texas. But what if it's like Connecticut, Texas? Oh, man.

Somebody's been murdered in a brutal way in Connecticut, Texas. I know there's a California, Pennsylvania. Yes, California, Pennsylvania. Are you sure that's not a California pizza kitchen? there might be a California Pizza Kitchen in California, Pennsylvania It would only be fitting In the offices of California Pizza Kitchen

Actually, it's a burger joint Not even related to the pizza restaurant Just like, I don't know if you saw the 50 state map But the greatest sandwiches per state When they were listing them Yeah, well, they got Georgia right They got Georgia right They didn't get the picture right

First damn food map I've ever seen to get Georgia right But that was about them Because, yeah, because, like, Deadfins Matt was like, oh, peach cobbler for Georgia. I do declare a peach cobbler. Why don't you get me a min julep so I can refresh myself while I'd eat this bucket of peach cobbler, the traditional sporting dish that we consume before playing SEC football? Did it, did you know, every other street in Georgia is named the Peachus Tree Street? Those New Yorkers

Those New Yorkers, such anthropologists Oh, they eat his apples, what do they know? But you know, all those maps are, they're just updated versions of placemats for children at a restaurant. They are, and then they just get passed around the internet because they're like, ooh, children's placemat with awesome stuff. No, one quick thought. Those placemats for Alabama, it's always a battleship

because that's the only sense if there's a boat there. Hey, listen, it should be the tide, Paul. I mean, it should be, it should be forced to gun running through the end zone if we're being quite honest. Yeah, well, if we're being quiet honest, it would be something else. It would be like, uh, it would be like a gun and pawn shop. That's it, Alabama gun and pawn. Police tape over it.

Police, yeah, with some deer, clothes for dealing deer antlers spray. Nick Saban putting some deer antler in his white sauce. You know, do you think Nick Saban, in traveling to the state of Alabama, really has those thoughts, like, give me five years. I'll make this the perfect totalitarian state. He's got to.

Just cruising down, he's like, these heels. I mean, half of this economy is based on unlicensed liposection. I could just take this whole state over. He literally could. No, no, I mean, at this point. This is probably something we should be concerned about because if he does, they're going to come for us next because it's virtually indistinguishable. That's true. We don't really have a natural border with the Alabama.

I've been worried about that. I know. I mean, not that it would take much. You need a three-foot-high fence because in two states with as much obesity as Georgia and Alabama have, three feet's going to keep most people out. Can't swing that leg over. Can't really boost the whole body over. Well, and plus, if it's three feet, then say a few soldiers

get over, but the general ain't making it over, if you know what I mean. No. The General Isimo, they're going to be cut off from the leadership. Sabin, at four feet, is going to need a periscope to look over that thing. You're just going to want to make sure that the posts on that fence are

real set because you drive enough jazis into it. I think it's coming down. Just the slow battering ramp from the rolling. dead just creeping over that and the final note from the nick saving 60 minutes piece that you need to know because he's staying in alabama forever alabama fans and you're never going to lose a football game ever again never both of those things are permanent don't worry no the one quote

um i have seen is that he said there's not going to leave alabama because there's there's no university of mars you know that's no better place to go so we we don't know that although Really, Nick Saban's really overselling the University of Mars. Terrible alumni base. Horrific recruiting. Yeah. Facilities? Can't see him from space.

Unlike Alabama. Travel is sheer hell. It's basically the Hawaii of the interstellar football system if you want to know what your travel budget is going to be. And, yeah. See how good Hawaii is. Yeah, Norm Chow. Exactly how good Mars would be. Norto, who this week jokingly said he was too old for the job.

No one argued. No, that's hard. This just didn't even register. You know, like, I would love it if somebody who actually, like, if Gary Pinkle said that, because I would believe him. I don't even know how old Gary Pinkle is. He's probably, what, 62? He's probably.

He's probably 7. I think he's 27. 27. Like, best fictional ages for a coach. Gary Pinkle, it's 33. He's been through a lot. A lot. But, yeah, if you told me, if you told me that, like, Nick Sabin is 62, and he's running

around like a lunatic. And as I told you in our pre-call, which we do occasionally plan for this podcast, after watching that show, I feel like the Nick Sabin of, like, ineffectual, unproductive thing. because I have that intensity it's just for like a YouTube video that I have to like come on let's get over here yeah let's find that that tumbler

with the porn hub comments over stock photos get it yeah I can confirm I can confirm that whereas Nick Saban like you know actually directed himself in something maybe that's a secret to life finding out where to point you're saving. I know where I'd like to point saving.

I'm pretty sure beating Notre Dame has as much social value as looking at a tumbler of porn hub comments. You know, maybe more. It might be more relevant to our experience today. The week ahead, we're going to discuss Stanford v. Oregon and Baylor v. Oklahoma, the two Thursday night games. An unprecedented, I don't remember the last time they were actually like there was either one of these

games on Thursday night that was this good and much less two of them on the same night. But first we would like to answer a little bit of reader email, tweets sent in by request. We'll start with you, Ryan. Okay. The question I pulled is from Tom McGrath.

His question is, name the gypsy that Pat Fitzgerald insulted and the content of the insult that led to, obviously, Northwestern's most recent woes. My theory is that at last year's Gator Bowl, Pat Fitzgerald told Dan Mullen that his pants looked comfortable, and Dan Mullen thought that was a fat joke and cursed him. I think that's as good a guess as any. Of course, he also lost that game.

Never forget. Well, yeah, when Dan Mullen curses you, it's not going to be something. that he himself delivers on you're going to something painful will be visited upon you but not by Mississippi State no see I think the real sorcerer here the real warlock Mullen had to subcontract it to Mississippi State's foremost warlock that would be one professor of evil Sylvester Krum

Krum is the one who actually has the power to give curses remembering he can't actually do anything but he can't ruin your life. So, because all he did was get coaches fired. I assume that Krum was the one who, out of anger, and whatever is left of his loyalty to Mississippi State, cursed by Fitzgerald. And built Ron Kellogg in the process. Yes. Well, that's a lot of building. Do we think that the state of Mississippi, do we think might have been Houston, who traveled, he thought he was just going northwest. He didn't know he was going to Northwestern University,

so he just traveled northwest until he somehow reached Yukon, you know, he's been poking around the Yukon job, so maybe he just wound up in the wrong state. I just imagine Houston, not like Johnny Appleseed. Just walking barefoot around this great land of ours with a sack

full of batteries that he thinks are apple tree. Plant them. Planting them all the way. Plant them. Sprout little DeSail. Just grow your battery tree right here. Power in America That's what I'm doing

Just teaching, just hepping Just going around the countryside Haping planting battery trees Just like the got in Arkansas Which by the way It's all really plausible Jason do you have a reader question You would like to answer

Here's a topical question From Cam Sterley Which head coaching job would best suit Rob Ford who for those somehow unfamiliar with this rob ford is the crack smoking mayor of toronto belligerent large and he's like he's like charlie weiss bat it's hard not to say kansas because they have shown a pattern with their recent hires turner gill accepted of uh large and belligerent the bbw fans of college football the kansas football administration and those hiring for the program you know you know where rob ford would be an awesome

coach at and that's Pitt because Rob Ford would coach Pitt to one big win I don't even know if Pitt has anybody they play anymore

that could be considered a big win but Pitt would be Clemson or something and Rob Ford would feel like a god for that one day and then they would lose

every other game he coached and his heart would explode into a firework of victory oh god you know Pittsburgh has a lot of hills right because I mean

I'm down with the joke but it's really pushing the reality of the situation to imagine it would demand a lot of pushing he's very florid too you're telling me we can't put a gas motor on a segue

a rocket I'm not going to tell you what you can and can't do with Rob Ford okay because I'm pretty sure we're past all real believable plausible scenarios of him

because he's the man of Canada's like flagship city and he all he owned up to by the way not only owned up to smoking crack but said he did it in one of his drunken stupors

one who knows which one that's the best part that Rob Ford opened up an entire zoo full of exotic animal scenarios that Rob Ford might have stumbled into one of which was, one night I got so drunk, dot, dot, dot, that I smoked crack.

It's like, one night while I was murdering eight people, sure I embezzled. Well, you know, I was in Las Vegas, so I ate human flesh. That's like... No, that makes sense to me. Well, we need to go to Vegas, son. You see the line at Denny's? Good God. taken that would be great if you know like the buffet at the buffet at the bellagio is so long

and so extravagant that you walk by and you see a sign that says like human flesh you're like oh whatever I'm going on the sushi bar you're like wait through shit does that say human flesh and you go back and look and it's changed and for the rest of your life your brain would just be screwed up thinking did I really see that I would totally do that if I worked the buffet just leave the sign out for a second on some, like, kind of off-looking prime rib that I'd slice up and then just switch it real quick. See if somebody was like, I swear it said that.

No, no, man. Put it on the glasses. You'll see what they all really say. The question I will choose to answer is a little bit of, it's a little personal. Yeah, you're ready, which is, what's the, let's see, this is. Which college football coach has coached the most games in a drunken stupor? I would open this up to any historical era if you want to go as far back as possible. Because I am sure in the course of this fine game, with as many games that have been played all the way back to the late 19th century, somebody's coached a game, stinking drunk.

I feel like, I mean, how do we, let's see, we're probably all thinking. Barry Switzer, so maybe we should reach further than that, but I'm sure he's done it and probably beat Oklahoma State, like, by 63 points at the time. I'm going to go there. Bear Bryant. I bet Bear coached a game hammered off his ass. Not Auburn.

But I bet Bear probably got one on. You know, a good daytime buzz. He probably did it for, like, you know, old miss one year. I mean, the man coached at Maryland. You need a little something to get through that. Remember the three programs he coached. When people mentioned Bear Bryant's drinking, I'm like, put it in contact.

He coached at Maryland, Kentucky, and Texas A&M. Texas A&M before electricity. He needed liquor. I'm going to guess Barry Alvarez. Because, I mean, just as a demographic matter, If you're going to pick somebody who's done something blitz out of their mind, Wisconsin is a great place to pick. And that Wisconsin team he took over was terrible. Like that, even his decision to take that job had to have been the product of heavy, heavy drinking.

I would say this, too. Remember bowl games used to be just a farce. They used to be fun. Wait, are you saying they're not a farce now? Oh, I meant competitively. I mean, they used to decide the national title before they even played the Bulls. Right. They mattered none whatsoever.

Yeah, they were this sort of frivolity where if you go back and look at, say, the Cotton Bowl, where Gene Stalling coached against Bear Bryant, there are these chufflesome kind of dinners where there's these very attractive young ladies hired for the event wearing cowboy boots and short shorts and a lot of booze and young men with crew cuts. It's like a D. Martin roast. It is. they're putting on each other's hats. It actually, like, when you watch it,

it makes you a little wistful because it would be cool if they just kind of got to, like, you know, jerk around at the end of the year and do that. That would be cool. I would love to see, say, for instance, Will Moshchamp attempt to have fun.

It'd be like watching a dog try to stand on your hind legs. It's high legs, but your hind legs that you don't have because you're a person. I wanted to really emphasize the impossibility of that. What's this?

Go, what's the head? hell is fresh. The grapefruit carbonated beverage. What's a great fruit? Like, it just has a dictionary problem, but you just have to go back so far to explain the basic

bricks of a sentence. That's all he knows or exes and O's. What the hell kind of trays? Karaoke. This is a sushi. It ain't cooked. Are you sure it's dead? I went to Georgia.

You're going to explain these things to me. That's no excuse. Georgia in the 80s. Oh, well, okay. 90s, actually. Because remember, if you want to hire someone from a winning tradition, hire someone coached by Ray Gough. An idiot, Jeremy Foley.

Let's go and actually talk about the games this Thursday. Baylor, the Oklahoma. Jason, I'm sort of thinking that Baylor is going to waste them. I have a sneaking suspicion as well that Baylor will probably obliterate Oklahoma. You know, I think the Sooners can be an interesting challenge. They do some things on defense, which, spoiler alert, our fine listeners will get to read some more about on Thursday. But, yeah, it's going to get pretty nasty. It's got to be pretty pent up at this point, too, because I'm looking it up here, but Baylor hasn't beat Oklahoma.

They've only beat them once, and that one, okay, so they beat them back in 2011, but other than that, going back to 1901, that's the only victory they have. 1901. Yeah, they haven't been getting stomped on the regular. And the 135-year-old Bryce Petty is pissed off about that. We've been keeping him in beeswax and amber. Yeah. No, just prayer. Bryce Petty, the first Christian mummy.

Hey, listen, just the power of prayer and a little bit of Dr. Pepper strategically applied. You know, exposure to adorable bear cubs. We run the prayer raid. No dancing. No dancing. Oils the joints with the lubricant of evil. Keep him in a smokehouse. He's fine. as long as we rub them with frisket three times a day it's low and slow

Christian mummy Bryce Petty just scrape off the bark and it is delicious Remember take the burn ends Reanimate them for another Bryce Fetty later Just keep making them That got weird

Get one to Houston They need it Just notice by the way too That Baylor is A good Like you know 20 spots ahead to 24 spots ahead of

Oklahoma in terms of overall F-plus. So, you know, 24 spots, that means Oklahoma is basically as good a team as UCLA. And if you'll remember, Baylor and UCLA, well, they've met. And that didn't go well.

How did it turn out for the Bruins, pray tell? You know, like, Baylor somehow managed to, you know, stop cruising at the 45 point mark. I get it, I think. I think that was the game where Baylor only managed to throw it like 12 times because they didn't need to. Baylor ran them over.

Now, you're not the game where months later, Art Briles was still insisting UCLA only scored in single digits? Yeah. Yeah, that was it because, you know, Art keeps his own math. UCLA only scored in that many digits. And we let up is usually code for, well, when you're leading by 50, you kind of take your foot off the gas. and most coaches only joke about that for him it's a real practical problem I'm very excited to see Blake Bell

try to keep up in this scoring competition yeah Holly Anderson asked this question on Twitter earlier today what is Blake Bell not even is he a good quarterback I don't even know what he is as a position player Blake Bell is if you took the guy who hit like let's you know how at a basketball game

they'll have a contest, oh, you hit a half-court shot, and you win, like, a scholarship or a car, 10 grand or something like that. Blank Bell is, like, if you took that guy and you're like, all right, now you're a small forward for an NBA team. You play all the time now. I mean, like, it's one thing to be like, oh, he's, you know, kind of like a less coordinated Tim Tebow. Okay, fine.

That's pretty uncoordinated. but it's not even that he was so bad against Texas and then against Texas Tech they just leaned on the Red Raiders that's all they did they just decided that we'll just have him fall on them and occasionally yeah and occasionally throw a few play action passes off of that

if Baylor gets up this is the real nightmare scenario where the black comedy comes in where you'll probably want to watch this they'll have to have Blake Bell pass them back in this game if they get down by 21 if they get down by 14 and if Blake Bell has to pass them back in this game

we're going to come away with a really inflated valuation of Baylor's defense because that could get hideous well they've got a pretty good defense they got fast guys they're kind of do the Oregon thing where once they get a lead and you start getting risky that's when they you know that's when they smell blood in the water

and Mr. Blake Bell he's a big guy got a lot of blood in him Is that what we can say safely about Blake Bell? He's got a lot of blood. If that man bleeds out, it's going to take a while. Oh, man, I'm so good. I'm so glad Baylor's good. I'm so glad they happen.

They're one of the few little pinfriks of light through this coffin door, coffin hood hatch. Oh, you're already dead. Oh, I'm already dead. 2013's been so sad. Same night. you know, we happen to get Oregon Stanford. Which, Ryan, I'm going to start off with you and ask, is this really, like, I feel a bit underwhelmed going into this

because Stanford lost to Utah. Yeah. That really deflated this game for me because, not just because they lost, but they lost to Utah. Yeah, but I mean, Stanford lost to Utah because they had this. ridiculous idea that like, oh, you know, we've beaten two ranked teams and everything's going smoothly, we should probably really open up this passing attack with Kevin Hogan. And that was a very bad idea.

You know, they didn't recognize their limitations. And I think the only way that they can keep, that they can hang around with Oregon in this game is if they don't do that. They can't just say, hey, Kevin Hogan, go show them why somebody's going to unjustifiably put you at the top of their draft board next year. I mean, Stanford couldn't score on Oregon State, and they couldn't stop Utah. Here comes Oregon. Open and shut case. Yeah, you lost, like, yeah, you lost to a team that is one in four in conference.

one and four. I mean, you know, weird things have to, you know, the game at Utah. That's, that's a weird game, and they're still a good team and all, but, you know, even other than that, what, like, what have they done? They beat the shit out of Arizona State and...

They did beat Washington when that met something. It doesn't now, but... The early Sark bubble. Yeah. The yearly... They cashed in on Sark. They sold Sark High. They did. When we all all hit, you know, peak, Sarkesian.

You know, that bubble is lasting longer and longer each year at least. That's good, right? You know, that's it, exactly. He can go and be like, listen, the bubble is becoming more under the dome, under the Sarcassian dome. It's a bigger dome each year. It collapses later and later. They're like, wow.

It's more horrific each time. That's the most depressing argument for extending your contract, and you take it. You can drive a boat to work. That's it. That's all Sarkisian, you walk in and go, I drive a boat to work, and they'll be like, that's bitching, dude. Awesome. Give him a contract extension. Wish I could take a boat to work. Which he does, by the way. He may be like one of two Division I head coaches who takes a boat to work. The other one being Dana Holgerson. Now, there's not water in between Daniel Holgerson's house and the West Virginia football facilities, but he makes it work. I would also, by the way, point to, can you hear me? Yeah. Yeah, I just dropped out here. I heard you talking about Hulgo swimming in the rivers or something, but I'm back with you.

All right, good. Well, you can keep rolling with this. I wanted to go, since we both sort of agreed that this could be like a Thursday night of real blowouts. I mean, Oklahoma at least stands a chance, I think. Stanford, the depleted defensive line, the injuries that they've suffered, I just don't see them being able to keep up with Oregon. You know, it could be like 35, 14, but a really, like, decisive 35, 14, not that like, oh, yeah, no, I think this won't be the UCLA game. I think they'll put them in the distance pretty early.

Moving on to the weekend, though, it's almost like we've forgotten that LSU and Alabama are playing each other. Yeah, that is, that is sort of just off everyone's radar. I don't, I don't really know. Have we all just assumed LSU is going to lose this game because they're, big wins don't look as impressive anymore and because their close games also don't look that good anymore like it's kind of we're all sort of at the point where it's like wow they give a lot of points to Georgia and that's not great yeah but but not the same Georgia team not the same Georgia team but still like a Georgia team that was a little dinged up and that Clemson held down better than they did like LSU basically did nothing to stop

And it's not, it's just not the sort of thing you'd expect from an LSU team. I will say they really only have gotten grandiosely screwed once. The Georgia game, that's an even shootout, that that's just going to work one way or the other. I was at the Old Miss game, and Old Miss's defense hit every, like, Old Miss needed. To win that game, they needed three turnovers pulled straight from their ass. They needed three turnovers that were, like, all lottery shots. right like all basically like last minute starting

interceptions made by guys who weren't supposed to be starting and old miss hit all three of them they actually got less miles right that is a less miles blueprint right like I need eight things to happen in this game which are improbable and they all happen okay well they got the table flipped on them

like that's what happened to LSU in that game you know and it was at old miss I would almost rather face an undefeated LSU team here than face one with two losses because I just isn't that like a really less mild thing like they're waiting on this the sort of wounded animal not even just the wounded animal the insane one okay the insane one that just can't really be predicted in any sense whatsoever right

what old yaller really would have happened what would have really happened in old yeller yeah oh he's just sitting in the barn no oh my god he's bitten the baby right we're all going to die. The rabid dog loose under the dinner table of the SEC. That's what I'd like LSU to be here. I don't know if they are, because Alabama's really good. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I mean, I think you can make the case that Alabama, while they're really good, they're probably not quite as good as they were last year. And LSU, you know, they've improved in some areas, fallen off, and others. They're probably

about the same as last year. And that game was really, really close last year, LSU should have won it, did everything it could to give it away. I mean, I don't think this game's a foregone conclusion at all. I thought 10 points sounded a little high. Yeah, I think Alabama wins, but it's a weird one to overlook. I will also say this. Zat Mettemberger is very capable of making the passes that you have to

in order to beat this defense. I think, yeah, he can beat either of these teams. Yeah. So it's not, like, I think people have slept on this game. I think it's going to be much better than the relatively flat-lined lack of hype going into it. Anything else from the coming weekend that sticks out to you gentlemen? You know, besides the logical rivalry game of BYU playing at Wisconsin, a.k.a. one team that doesn't drink and one team that is drinking.

I like UCF Houston playing for a BCS conference title pretty much. yes oh and george o'leary george o'leary could lose that game by 500 that'd be great to a freshman quarterback named corn yeah bordels portals versus corn that's that's actually that's that's actually happening isn't it that we've got on one side no you no you shorted him Oh, it's O'Corn, I'm sorry. It's John O'Corn. Yes.

O'Corn versus Bortles. In the most illustrious matchup of quarterbacking names you'll see this year. Anything that sticks out to you, Ryan? I guess I'll go with Virginia Tech at Miami, because, God, is that going to be sad. That's so sad. Thank you for going with that. I'm going to go and look at the late slate. At two games, actually, out on Yon West Coast.

Because after the big two on Thursday and after LSU, Alabama, it's pretty lackluster slated in between. Oh, Florida plays Vanderbilt. That'll be fun. Yeah. Lose to Vandy for the first time in, like, you know, 22 years, 26 years. First time for everything. Got to happen eventually.

New experiences. Future Florida coach James Franklin can size up the place. You know, he's looking around. two games late uh ucla arizona both six and two both three and two in conference and both with no actual very like predictable pattern of behavior so and that kicks at 10 i'm foreseeing um the only thing i'm comfortable predicting for that game is like three special teams turnovers like two two muff punts and a block kick that's all i'm putting on the line there uh and a a lot of, like, there's going to be some good coach faces.

Oh, yeah. Two very expressive gentlemen. They both, when they purse their lips, they're both the kings of the purse-lip game. I'm going to go ahead and put on upset alert, Fresno State. Every week, Fresno State on quadruple overtime upside. Every week, but at altitude, at Laramie. Oh, a Wyoming team that lost the Colorado State. Yes, sir.

A Wyoming team that has reshuffled its defeat. Offensive coaching staff, I believe you mean. Yes. Improvements have been made. Okay. Pardon our mess. There's a new sheriff in town. I think you also mean a Wyoming team that lost by a mere three points to Nebraska.

Yeah. For a given unit of Nebraska. I might pick, I like the Colorado State over Nebraska at this point. You know, Jim McElwain. brought the process to Fort Collins. And then the process got fat on craft beer and just kind of gave up.

But yeah, I'm going to go ahead and put them an upset alert because you can put Fresno State an upset alert every week. Because they're that kind of team. And it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. But you know, there has to be some fun here. Otherwise, I'm stuck with NC State Duke.

Yeah. Duke rolling, baby. Duke rolling. Notre Dame Pit. That's ABC game. I'm stuck with Illinois Indiana. Do you guys remember that Notre Dame almost lost a Purdue this year? Oh, yeah. That's amazing.

The world is amazing. Carl Sagan was right. This is some shit. Oh, wait. Here is one other sort of angry, angry, sad kid pick. Nebraska at Michigan.

Both six and two and unranked. What are the odds of that? Like, how crap is the Big Ten that there are two six and two teams playing, and neither is ranked? Well? Well. I like the minor story land that the winner is still alive for the Big Ten title game. The Rose Bowl. Road Bowl.

I would love to be this Brady Hoke team. in the Rose Bowl. God, they just get crap. Because they'd probably play Stanford. Oh, no. But if... Which is basically just clean the Michigan State. Or if Oregon somehow screws this up, and it was this Oregon team versus this Michigan team in the Rose Bowl. Michigan, Michigan, we're laughing at you.

We're laughing really hard at you, Michigan. Oh, God. I mean, I think Michigan fans would want... want to see 100, right? Like if they're getting into the 80s and be like, no, just keep going, man. Do it. I'd like to see how many points can be scored.

It would be a considerable tribute to the Roseball game for there to be 100 points scored in the 100 edition. Michigan will be remembered, I'll tell you that. Like I said, it's just tremendous 100 points. It's a real thing to be

a part of us. It's an honor to be a part of this. Mark Helperch is just giving a press conference. Nobody even knows who he has. I'm the guy with a team with coach 100 points. No, you're not. Get out of here. You don't even have a badge. Kid. That kind of looked like a male man. Phil Knights over there just talking to aliens in his track suit. There are a few other really sad elements of the schedule that I really would like to point out because now this is getting good to me. Oh, Arkansas, Mississippi, that'd be 0 and 5 in conference, 3 and 6 overall. Going up against Hugh Freeze in the Grove at Oxford, it's been ugly for Beth Beelma, and I think if you freeze senses a little bit of weakness, it's going to get uglier.

You can pair that up with Mississippi State traveling to Texas A&M. Mississippi State not winless, only because they got to play Kentucky and barely beat them. their intersectional rivalry by the way their individual rival is kentucky that's how you know god love mississippi state giving you one little nugget of joy a year also number seven auburn traveling to play tennessee whose freshman quarterback is an aerospace engineering major which that's going to suit him really well in 10 years but for now at tennessee that just means you're into model rockets. You know, kind of that means you're the guy who

like something gets stuck in a tree. You fire something up towards it. It's a little lucid. Got it. Hold on. I got a rolling candle. I'll be back. You got a rocketry program? Well, sometimes you try to make meth and a hot water heater. I'll get up to about 200 feet before it has to come down. We do it on the roof so you can see the sky.

You know, I mean, you're making some, making some omelets out of some broken eggs. That's really what that is. Cut a hole in the lab so God can watch his scientists at work. We keep trying, but that sun's fear just won't take off. But you know, you've got to

keep trying. A few more notes. Can I just say, what the hell happened in North Carolina? Brenner's done for his career. They are three and five. They were awful. They were going to play Virginia, which is 0.5 in conference. And Mike

London, oh, so fired. Tom O'Brien is going to come in and coach, I hope, the last, like, two games. I hope that that's how they pull that trigger. They're so apathetic. They're just going to hire him. He's already here. He already drove a semi-truck up from Virginia, from NC State. Exactly.

They went and got his stuff for him. This has been in the works for a while. They're like, Tom, all your stuff's here. Jesus, just coached the football team. I guess we should go to marry. We have to have to have a football team. We're the oldest university in the world. You're pregnant.

Why wouldn't we have a football team? Thomas Jefferson played football. Thomas Jefferson was a wingback. He would. Western Michigan, one in eight. Eastern Michigan, one and eight. Something's got to give. Something's got to give.

No! Probably neither will give. But, oh, the gifts, these kinds of, these kinds of. coaches could make together. Let the Eagles hit the floor. They will. It'll be bad. Additionally, while draining the drugs on the schedule before this gets too depressing,

Florida State at Wake Forest. Danger, danger! No matter how big this line is, or where the game is played, or if Wakes down to third stringers, this is automatic upset alert every single year. You're like, Al Groh is starting a sentient ape, that quarterback. Oh, man, getting my money out. And Al Groh doesn't even coach? Jim Grob.

Anyway, you've revealed the horrible secret. Jim Grove has subcontracted his football program to Al for Roe. He does it for 85. I charge them 90. That's pure profit to me. My God. That end, oh, oh, if you want real live football horror, I mean real live football horror. Syracuse is playing Maryland.

No. Nope. Yeah, watch it. Get it in the eyeballs. Wait, why is Boston College going to New Mexico State? That feels like one of those things where you booked a flight, but you didn't pay attention and you booked it backwards, so you show up the airport and they're like, no, this is a flight leaving Las Vegas

and right? And you're like, God damn it! Do you know how that's happening? Two words. Muscle confusion. Oh. We'll just stop there. That makes no sense, so yeah.