Shutdown Fullcast - Shutdown Fullcast: Seven

Episode Date: October 23, 2013

The Shutdown Fullcast considers which coaches to fight. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

So, what do you have this week, Ryan? I have dibs on a very exciting ACC matchup, an undefeated, top-ranked ACC team, only against a lesser ACC team, but a team that has caused some trouble in the past. I'm talking, of course, about Wake Forest at Miami. You're an idiot. Wait, wait, which team is which? wait for us i think is the indomitable i don't know i don't oh you idiot wait which team has a which team has like a 511 defensive tackle who has like 30 tackles for loss so far this year that could be any team in the aces it really could be any team who's our leading tackler it's a defensive tackle was under six feet tall

it's a 230 defensive i i really want to know what position that nikea to Whitlock guy will play in the NFL. Like, he might be a punter for all I know, but he's completely unblockable at the college level. I think roving speed bump. He might be a fullback, to be honest. Malicious garbage can, just out there running around. He's going to play R2D2. He's really got a studio analyst to build, 511, 240.

Oh, yeah. A big suit on him. Just list his position as smart car. He just sounds like Doug Flutie's ill-suited body double. He was like Doug Flutty when he really let himself go. 240, Doug, geez. Oh, I can only button six buttons on this jacket now. On this 12-button NFL studio analyst jacket.

For a 5-7 person, like one button every inch. Do they just get reject jackets from the NBA? I think technically that's a... zipper. At one point, it becomes some sort of model train track. It's a child's raincoat, is what it is. Shannon Sharp, how many buttons do you have on your jacket? 14-11?

But I bet Shannon Sharp would also go the other way and just have one, like a giant, like a car steering wheel as his single button. That'd be some South Carolina shit if you had a jacket with just one huge dish-sized button on it. Why do you have 20s on your jacket? Parking. Well, because he's raised, you know, raise not to waste things.

So if one button gets the job done, you save all the other buttons. You do have, unfortunately, stumbled into the shutdown forecast. I believe this is Mark 7 of the shutdown forecast. Welcome. I'm Spencer Hall. Joining me, as always, is Jason Kirk.

Hey. And Ryan, who doesn't have a last name, because he's still, you know, a normal person for the moment. Gainfully employed. Gainfully employed for now. Yeah, that's not going to last. Yeah, no, not in this economy, sir. I wanted to get to a question. We submitted, we asked for reader questions.

And we got one from a reader who's also a podcast. practitioner, the dark college football arts. That'd be Bruce Feldman of CBS, and he asked a question that is a source of much debate on the internet, and it would be this, a six-man tag match, okay? So we're pretty clear on the rules, right? Three of us on one side. Tables, ladders, chainsaws. I'm assuming that if we're involved, that there's many rules forbidding various forms of

unfair violence. I ain't jumping off a damn thing. Yeah, no, no, no. No, I'm not, I will do this. Tables and chairs. We can do that. Okay. Six-man tag match.

What's your choice of clothing, by the way, in the ring? Because I'm going to go singlet. Hmm. Are you going to, are you going tiny shorts? Well, I mean, I'd like to say that. I don't know if I'd, I wouldn't go with the briefs. Mm-hmm. The shorts, I do like the boxer brief, so maybe I go the tiny shorts.

Okay. I'm going to go basketball shorts and oversized t-shirt, and my whole thing is I'm that, that self-conscious kid in the pool who doesn't take his t-shirt off. I might actually change my answer, and I might go for the Hacksaw Jim Duggan arrangement. Sure. Yeah. I mean, if we're all being honest here, we'd all wear, like, jean. Well, you know what, Routy Rottie Piper, I'm pretty confident I could pull that off, you know, because it's, what, a leather vest and a kilt. You got the legs for it.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, I got the legs for it. And the vest is pretty forgiving because it covers the love handles. But the rasslers these days, they dress like normal people sometimes. Yeah, John Cena's like, John Cena is our only athlete who works in jorts. Well, but Stone Cold himself. Well, yeah, but Stone Cold. He had Daisy Dukes more like, but still, technically work. He made the bold choice of going boots, leather vest, or occasionally tank top, and then a speedo.

That's really, if you're outside of wrestling, that's an insane person's combo. That's like something out of, like, the world's weirdest gay pictorial. And I really hope Stone Cold's not listening, because I respect his work, and I don't want him to beat me. also his podcast is better than ours it's way man he gets yeah it's way better so uh going back we are asked the question first feldman of cbs wants to know who are the three head coaches you'd least like to see across the ring all right i want to go ahead and just put this you have to i think properly understand the question by reversing it first who are three coaches across the way who you're like okay i can live with that uh dabbo

I'm going to disagree. Well, I mean, we know he comes, you know, from a tough background. We know he can probably scrap. I'm just saying height, weight, that kind of thing. He's going to get really, really excited. He might gas himself about two minutes in. So if you can withstand that first onslaught, I think you're good. Maybe Chris Peterson might be another one, kind of a wiry guy,

West Coast Pacific Northwest kind of guy. He might know some clever Tai Chi kind of stuff. but probably not going to go straight with a throat. I'm going to go David Cutcliffe. He's kind of old. You picked the guy with a heart problem. Good call. I didn't know he could do that.

You just did it. I'm going to pick Will Mustchamp because hard problem. Well, the thing with Mustamp is he gets one swing. It's going to be awesome. He does. But if I get so much as a points where, of a lead on him on the cards, it's over because I know there's no offense.

I'd also pick Jim Grobe because he's not going to show up to the match because he's never leaving in Wake Forest. He's entrenched. He won't even show up for a wrestling match somewhere else. I think it depends on what the purse for the match is. If it's like $10 million, oh, Grobby, he could use another 10 mil. He's only got about 150 mil in the bank. Jim Grob is the richest man in North Carolina.

I bet Jim Grob would be impossible to pin, though, Because he's sort of like college football's sword in the stone. You can't move him. Yeah. He's not a thread, but you can't do anything to him. Yeah, but, you know, if you remove him, you're not king, because guess what you get? The Wake Forest job. How about...

You get thank you notes from Riley Skinner. Thank you for not posting pictures of me nude on the internet again. What about PJ Fleck? Just because at least two of us would have the dad strength advantage of him. over him he appears to be in better shape than any of us but he is a dad but he is a dad as well well yeah but i'm just saying we're older than him huh i'm a he's very recently played in the nflb i'm gonna i'm gonna back off fleck because well i mean we we can only do so well here yeah i'm trying to pick winners here and i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna pick a winner here uh right now and that's gonna be

Mike Riley because he's so nice that he'd really be wondering why we were fighting the whole time and hopefully I can knock him out before then and feel really bad about it because Mike Riley is the nicest man on the planet but like so his last words before he goes under in the sleep would be like bitch what no we can go to end it out you know who else is kind of soft in the middle and has no defense whatsoever Kevin Wilson oh man he's under he's under pressure too man Those dudes are under pressure. They might just start crying. I don't know.

He's known as a really ruthless play caller, and he's not a small man. Kevin Wilson is the reason why we have our first 500-yard passing quarterback in Michigan history. Yeah, he's going to take you to the limit. He's going to make you do things you don't understand. What are you capable of? It's like the Joker making Batman kill somebody. That's Kevin Wilson. Kevin Wilson forced Michigan.

Let's be honest. Is giving up that many yards and points really pushing Michigan to a point they've never been at before? That's true. Lord knows that's familiar. How about Mark Rick? He's just going to turn his other cheek until he runs out of Cheats. Yeah, I know Evil Rick to exist, so I'm going to back off of that choice, too, because that could be dangerous. You pin him quick.

You know who I want to fight? Oh, God. I do. No, it would be fun because he'd probably be really confused, and yet, really into it, and that would be Al Golden. Because, one, he'd come out in the tie in the shirt, like IRS, right? Right. The huge tie in the shirt.

He rips it off when he's got another shirt and tie. There's just no bottom to them, right? His shirts tag in for themselves. Also, he'd be so sweaty that I think that's his natural advantage. It'd be a really long quality match because you'd have to knock him out. You couldn't actually pin him. He just squirt out like a huge watermelon seed, right? My most terrifying pick is Bronco Mendenhall.

Oh, all right, so we'll do our, we sort of just, by the way, I wanted to do that just so we could all understand how badly we might get our asses kicked under good conditions. I'm coming for you, Cutcliffe. She just dies. You just cut a promo on that, man. Cutcliffe just kicks like, how do you should call Peyton, tell him I love him. Just wills himself dead. I coached a Duke. I've already been through the worst.

All right, so who are your three that you don't want to face? So, yeah, I'm going to start with Bronco Mendenhall because he's survived at BYU for almost a decade now. And the, look, I'm not saying he's killed a man, but he's probably killed a man. His name's Bronco. Yeah. He's running out of the wrestling name. Also, his job is to order around other full-grown men all day long. He's not picking on a bunch of 17-year-olds.

Right. This is a man who's lived it. He named his kids Cutter, right? Cutter is one of their names. I think he named another kid, like, Steel Butt. He's named all of his kids, like, really metal names. They are Raider or Reader. R-A-E-D-E-R-W-R-W-R-A-E-R-R-W-R-A-R-R-A-R-R-E-R-R-E-R-R-E-R-R-E-R-R-E-R-R-E-R-R-E-R-R-E-R-S. So, we're pretty sure that these are the Mormon-Bandits, right? That's who he's raising is a gang of, like, bank-robbing Mormon bandits.

Yeah, exactly. So give all the money to the church for good cause. One name I do want to Especially because Bruce Feldman Who has done a book with Ed Orgeron I do want to mention him I don't think he makes it into the match I like him more as a special guest referee I like him being in charge of the rules and regulations

For the whole thing Especially because his pre-match instruction is completely Indecipherable we can take advantage of that You know while he's telling the other coaches what they can't do And then I'm staring at him That's when we go for nut shots the comedy of what?

I'm going to be able to have what? Folding chair, right? That's the delay. That's our entire strategy. Okay. All right. I'm going to make my pick. I am going to pick Charlie Strong.

Mm-hmm. Because it's strong. Yes. Another good name. Because he is one, already has a wrestler's name. And two, because he's built like a, a bicycle. and he has gigantic he's like in his like 50s and he has gigantic traps and looks like he could like remove your head from the shoulders with a gentle zipping noise as your neck comes to pieces so

charlie strong do you think he would wrestle in the turtleneck absolutely he might even keep the headset on that would be his thing yeah he'd probably put the headset like i think the big dramatic wrestling move would be to beat him using an unfair cheating tactic and then take the headset and put them on and taunt people right now um since that's only two on their side i'm going to go ahead and name uh eastern michigan's ron english because we've seen the man dive out of an airplane in order to raise money for bathroom tiles man has no fear whatsoever also to michigan job or he really loves bathroom tiles so ron english is sort of like the the wrestler the movie that version where he's like yeah i'll i'll take a stable to the face for an extra fifty dollars that's

line yeah remember his his Twitter bio is voracious raptor right is that that's the guy it's a rapacious bird isn't it rapacious bird yeah raptor's a little little I don't want anything to do with that guy I don't want anything to do with Kyle Whittingham if you tell because or this Ron Hudspeth because I know Ron Hudspeth can put up 225 as many times as a professional football player and I looked on the sideline tonight HUD is

it's right now he hasn't backed off that that man's doing some five by five mad cow stuff he is a beast and a half so I want nothing to do with him I think we steer clear of the entire Sunbelt all them coaches just bleeding from the face and bashing each other

wooden paddles and it's uh you know it's the training ground the Sunbelt is the cradle of coaches and it's forged with steel heat iron and evidently a really strong S&M streak I'd fight. I'd fight Larry Blake, me. I would. Really taking on the older gentleman here.

That's the board of the game. Listen, I know someone's why I was a wreck. Can't help but note you skip Frank Beamer in the age chart, though. You don't want none of Frank Beamer. No. Frank Beamer brings it from Fancy Gap. That man, he's seen somebody... Fancy Gap your ass. Fancy, yeah, he will fancy gap your ass. seen somebody knocked out with a brick and a purse.

I guarantee you. Frank Bieber killed like 18 dudes in World War I, and he was not fighting for any army. They were just dudes. He was just trying to get from Luxembourg to Switzerland for vacation, okay? And they put the marne between him.

And it took him three days and 42 carses, but he got through it, okay? And that's how they invented the tank. His nickname is Frank the Tank. Just a few more people that I think, like, if I had my three, you know, I've got Hudspeth, Whittingham, and for fear factor, it's very hard for me to take Frank Beamer out of there, just because he'd get that, like, creepy old mountain man's strength look in his eye, and pretty soon I'd smell moonshine and taste death. So I'm going to put those three on there, but for an honorable mention on dudes, I could wreck. Here's who I could take. All right, I'm just going to pick three.

Three dudes, so I could totally take. One, skip Holtz. I'm going to take Skip. Two, I could totally take Terry Bowden. Although, if those jaws lock on. The problem with Terry Bowden is you think you're just fighting him. Next thing you know, you got Jeff. You got the hook around your ankle.

I ain't worried about Jeff. He's got two plays. I mean, there's not too many Bowdoin's really all that intimidating. How do you all feel about Holgo? You know, Holgo might... I see Holgo more as the guy who gets knocked out first in a bar fight that he starts than the guy who finishes it, right? Like, oh yeah, what are you going to do?

Yeah, Holgo would be... Holgo's the person I want to fight least in a prison fight. But if this is a some rules three-on-three tag team match, yeah, I'm not worried about him. Yeah, if it's sanctioned at all, I think I'd love... light to face Hallgo. But if it's, you know, I'm not locked in here with you. You're locked in with me.

Oh, no. If we got a deep fryer and a couple of prison cafeteria trays, it's over. Now, my number one is going to be Mike Linden, former cop. Yeah, former vice cop. I got no time for former vice cops. I will ring the bell. I'm walking back to the locker room right now. Yeah, I'm out.

I'm doing that thing where I crawl over the fence of the octagon, right? To get away, like, up and full over at the crowd booze? That's me. I'm out. Chases you're on the ring a few times. That's fine. I'll take that shame. I would take, I would not want to face either one of the Polini's, but if you put the both in the ring,

then I'm fine with it because there's no way they don't turn on each other. Yeah, it's like a video game when you have, you know, when you have two unbeatable foes. What you do is go hide in the shadows and wait for them to start fighting. fighting each other. What would happen is, like, let's say Carl grabs the mic, and he starts bragging about how he banged Ronda last night, and then Bo's like, Rhonda, Rhonda's my woman, and then they'll just go at each other. Oh, man, June Jones. Wait, with or without the mustache. Oh, if he's got the mustache, no part of him, man. Like, if it's June Jones 88, I'm backing out of this mother.

Okay, so it's Hawaii Jones or Dallas Jones? No, no, no, decrepit Dallas Jones. I'm telling you, that man probably does what every other man over 50 does in Dallas after 8 p.m. He takes up his residence and his proper spot of lodging in a chain steakhouse. If you hit, like at this point, his ribs are probably brittle enough to be broken with a firm slap. I don't know, cream spinach has some calcium in it, right? Well, yeah, a lot of iron, you know, but he's not. He's not eating cream spinach.

He's getting like a steak and four glasses of red wine at night telling you. Stiff wind could snap that man's arm. We're going to take him. No, another one I want no part of is Paul Rhodes. Yeah. His intensity. We know he can bring down anybody no matter the location or the night of the week. There's absolutely no way to predict his movements.

Even when he's not trying to fight, his limbs are just flailing in every direction. he's going to come at you like a barrel of knives like that that that who's that one character in the video game the he's got like forks on his hands and he wears a speedo and he's got like blindfolds it's that sole caliber game okay but yeah yeah i got skinny little man who rolls around on the floor that's paul roads yeah um i got two others i judge a man by the size of his neck of stevedazio i'm pretty sure he's bald bull he's just a bull it. Yeah, no, I mean, you wouldn't be able to choke him out because his head and his neck are the same width. So there's really no point at which you stop or can get a good leverage, you know, on the neck.

He's just one big canckel. He is. He's like one enormous canckel, you know. And the other one I would, my final note, I want no part of, well, no part of old Paul Johnson. Oh, I thought you were going to say Norm Chow. no no no norm would just be confused by all this why are we fighting I'm sleepy this is dumb

so do we have so my final three were my final three that I did not want to face were Whittingham Beamer and Hudspeth I don't want those three especially because Beamer's going to pull all those like

Rick Flair veteran wrestling moves, right? Like, he's going to be the dude who blades, right? That's what Frank Beamer does. Oh, yeah, he bites your forehead. Exactly. Like, he's the one who gets in there and blades himself, right, to get the Crimson mask going. Oh, that's Frank Beamer.

Those are my three. Jason, your three? I'm going to go London Roads and Beamer. Okay. I'm sold on Beamer. I'm going to steal strong from you. I'm going to add Mendenhall. Oh, and I'm going to throw Pat Fitzgerald in there.

Yeah, you went. Like, that's a solid move because you went all trap team. Yeah. Like all trapezias. Those dudes all have massive traps. So good call on you. That's a good look in tech team. Yeah, that is.

You know, I think all three of these teams work pretty well. Can we get Godfrey to set this up? Yeah. I think we can get this. He knows at least a couple of these coaches. Yeah. One thing we should cover. I should actually talk about a team that,

Nobody's watched on TV until this past weekend. And even then you had to go to JP, to Raycom, to the SEC Network to do it. And that would be a team that is actually good, and no one really sort of knows why. So we should sort of talk about that. Also, we don't really understand them, so it's fun to talk about them because they're new to the family. And that would be Missouri. Yeah, the Missouri Tigers, the team that nobody wanted before expansion, nobody wanted. after expansion, and now, lo and behold, they're going to save the conference, putting

up 30-something points on the Florida Gators. You know who they're doing it without, though? Dave Yost. Doing it without the long-haired... Doing it about Blaine Gabbard. Do it without beautiful, beautiful-ass Blaine Gabbard, which is less surprising than it might have been a few years ago before he started playing professional football. I should point out that is professional football for the Jacksonville Jaguar, so except

except that definition on a wide spectrum of possible meanings. They still got to let him into Players Association functions. He gets butterfly shrimp, but that's free. They show up and they're like, they're like, they show up to the bank and they're like, are you sure he has attention? Are you sure it counts for the same amount of money? It should count for more, damn it. Oh, Duval.

Duval. well this is the weirdest thing about Missouri one they were very bad last year very very bad and are now very good which gives me hope as a Florida fan currently a fan of a very bad team with no hope so there's that

but the weirdest thing is about this team is that we didn't see certain things coming which were pretty obvious i.e. that their offense was going to be pretty good because they got Henry Josie back after, I believe, his 13th knee injury. It was 13 at once, yes. They have the number, former number one recruit at wide receiver, a talented quarterback. They had a banged up offensive line last year.

They were sort of the Georgia last year, but nobody had the expectations for them. And this year, they're all healthy. So, yeah, Florida, national title next year. yeah awesome that's totally what i want to hear next year that's something florida fans deal with so well we'll do it next year guys pack it in sims ahead exactly i'll book my i'll book my hotel room now but but another thing about this missouri team uh that they did so well against florida which i i you're gonna see that this is somewhat illusory i'm not saying that you know Maddie Mock, which is spelled offensively, M-A-M-A-T-Y.

It's like the thing you spell when you're, when you have a bunch of scrabble tiles and you don't, you're like, I don't, I'm going to throw this down and hope they don't challenge it. It's a town in Massachusetts. It's kind of like a comic book character you come up with when you're eight. This is Maddie Mock, and this is his friend, the giant rabbit. he does look by the way could he be a more Missouri person because this is another thing

we really don't understand Missouri the state and I will I will fully disclose this that I do not understand why it is I don't understand it's social identity

I will list everything I know about Missouri tonight it will not take long but Maddie Mock lists his homies as hunting fishing and video games and I guarantee those video games

are hunting and fishing All the Cabela 2012, Cabela 2013, and played the new Cabello. Yeah, hunting fishing and video games, you add in church and fast food, and there's Missouri. I've been to a few times, been to a few different areas, you are pretty close, sir. Yeah, it's redneck, but kind of like a sort of midwestern kind of redneck. Sort of like, you know, if you're in Iowa redneck school and they're like, you're too good at this, they send you down to Missouri. You know, and then if you're really good at Missouri Redneck School, they just pass you down to Arkansas. You just keep moving down to Mymel, right, varying degrees of redneckitude.

Another thing I know about Missouri is that it takes 400 hours to drive across. And it's all the same grim tree line the entire time. He interspersed only with ads for adult video stores and cigarette shops. Sounds fun. Yeah. Oh, and this. I sat next to a Cardinals fan on the way back from Ole Miss, and that he sounded and looked like what I envision one of John Boyes' characters was

if he got loose from the internet. Like a guy who was, you know, like, when the drink tray came around it was like do you have the tomato juices like that kind of you know did you see the cardinals game and like an occasional weird southern accent that would only come through every eighth word like oh yeah you know they've got a real powerful lineup like why like i was stunned i'm like why you she said that'd get powerful wow It's kind of because Missouri is sort of a melting pot of weirdness. Like, there are parts around the world where different cultures collide.

And in Missouri, they just happen to be some of the most bizarre people alive. You have, you know, the West Tennessee stuff, the Arkansas, and then also the southern Illinois, which is, it's the south. You know, that southern Indiana, southern Illinois, that's as country as anywhere around here. you've got the then you get in the Midwest and the Heartland stuff it's a perfect collision it's probably the most the weirdest place in America just in terms of the number of cultures colliding in there have you have you ever been to now by the way none of us have ever actually been to a game at Columbia we should also say that right none of us have been to a game at the University of Missouri correct correct okay because nobody's going there just it's just not happening unless they're in your conference right it's not like oh yeah you got to go there they have an M made

of stones I'm sold you can sit on it yeah you can they'll let you sit on it I'm like that's the kind of thing the SEC if we had like a ceremonial or sacred M right they would loose dogs on you

if you went and sat on it right it would be totally legal for the cops to do that but in Missouri they're like oh no let the journalism students sit on it. In some SEC schools, the M would be made of dogs. Just live snapping dogs.

I'm surprised Tennessee doesn't have a T made of dogs, actually. They will. Just give it time. Butch has to get this thing going. But soon, once he's got enough. Recruits loves a dog tea. I don't know what to do it. The dog tea.

The power dog. Power dog. Here comes the power dog tea. The checkerboard of dogs. Auburn's going to blow them up because that's what they do. They blow up dogs. Then they'll steal a couple. Be like, we can use some other animals.

We're getting quite the menagerie. Missouri also, by the way, you should know this, that it's a big city as St. Louis and Kansas City. If you've been to either one of those, which I have, you've driven through them. And so, like, even when you pull off, you're in the middle of an interstate off ramp. It's amazing. Now, Kansas City is pretty nice.

Not in terms of, like, you got to see it. Just everyone there is nice. I won't say that for St. Louis, but Kansas City is a, it's a nice place. Sorry, go ahead. Well, I'm just saying, you go there, you drive three hours east, you're in Columbia. You go to St. Louis. You drive three hours west. You're in Columbia.

If you drive like three hours from the center of Missouri in any direction, you're still in Missouri. St. Louis is the last place where I saw somebody with a beeper. I bet they still have one. Was it the mayor? It was probably, it was probably Nellie. He's on bringing them back. Murphy Lee, leave me alone. That would be a good idea to make beepers cool again.

Like the kids these days, they're all into the 90s stuff. They all wear skateboard clothes and, you know, they all dress like we did when we were kids. It's a bandolier of beepers. Yeah. The biggest, the newest thing is going to be to carry a beeper and no phone. What you got? Ah, somebody called me. You're going to call them back?

Can't. Got to find a pay phone. They didn't, they didn't put 911 in front. of it so it's not important putting 911 in front of it well better find someone else in the cell phone everybody's got beepers plans worked according according to my entire scheme it's all planned out and working now you got at your high schools did you try to have like this system of like basically hashtags where you could like tag your your beeper messages with uh like your numerical identity like there's one guy who's like i'm 69 and then there's like 10

guys are like no no no i'm 69 so then everyone just sort of scraps the whole thing because everyone wants the same numbers no because by the last two years of high school i wasn't poor jason god so you guys are on phones by then huh yeah no we we we tried to do that and you know you're like i'm gonna pick a cool number but we were dorks so our beeper numbers or our alert numbers were like dude make mine 1066 for the norman conquest wow when you do that you have nobody texting you so it doesn't matter it's true

you're like it's you dude yeah but put 1066 put 51 50 put 51 50 for like the eighth worst fan hailing album yeah that's you all right

yeah sure is you father or two has had sex putting terrible lame ass AP history jokes into my beeper coat there are other ways

to have children You know, you could just, you know, send out spores. It works. Wait. Maybe that's what the bowdoins do. Maybe they just send out spores. You got to watch. You get a bowdoin spore on your arm.

You've got to wash that thing off in a hurry. Have you seen the last scene of aliens? Yeah, let me tell you this. It's like the Pantorusi, but through the sternum. Uh, I'll say this, I think Bronco Menad Hall probably just spontaneously generates his children. Just goes out into the woods and it's like, I'm going to go shoot a deer, think about fecundity. Then a little of a sudden, wow. Gets a kid, breaker.

Maybe he names him after what it took to make them. He had to break something, thus I dove the breaker. I split the boulder and lo, it was an egg for you. Dead forest ranger. That will be your name. Accidentally assassinated federal agent. You're my favorite son. Let me go ahead and look at next week's games.

Because I think when you talk about coaches reproducing by spores, it's time to move on. Next week, this can't possibly be as interesting because upset Saturday was last Saturday. nobody gave us the schedule but they never do looking at this week your sneaky Friday night game by the way your Thursday night game may be maybe the kind of atrocity

that's too bad to turn away from and that would be Kentucky at Mississippi State I feel like these teams are battling for draft position does the winner get the number one something anything should we tell them that that doesn't McGrace, you never mind.

I like the winner gets to play Alabama at noon instead of 3.30 next year. We get it over with early. Go eat dinner. We can head out to the huddle house three hours earlier. Yeah, well, you know, Mississippi State, you're going to be driving away for that huddle house. There's going to be a line. There's going to be a line. It's the only thing around for miles.

How many people are going to be at this game on a Thursday night with Kentucky coming to visit Mississippi State? You know what? I would say none, but I know what's in and around Starkville, so everybody's going to be there. What other show and town? The question is, what else are they going to be doing? I heard that gravity movie's scary. Let's go see something safe for the kids, like Mississippi State football. I don't believe in gravity. Hey, listen, that gravity movie's against God because it shows a woman in space. Just a woman with a job

A woman with a job in a space He's away from her children In a tiny airless tube above the earth It's also against God Because George Clooney dies And he's beautiful Spoiler Yeah, he dies

He dies so hard Huh I was looking forward to seeing that Yeah, too bad Heels who go and see things for plot Now you also have to watch Kentucky Mississippi State, sir You brought upon yourself We all do

And God, you know, this is the kind of year when Kentucky could pull this off No, this is the game where Kentucky will lead in the fourth quarter Mississippi State will win by four on some bullshit punt return or something And everybody would be like, yeah, Dan Mullen's got it, he's got it running It's all humming together Year 12 is when he's really going to turn that corner that's the game that makes everybody happy because Kentucky fans are

Oh, the recruiting is really taking hold Are those new guys here yet? I don't know Hey, don't bother to put on shoes Kentucky fan Not that you have them anyway But you've worn that path between you And therivals.com Kentucky Ranking Board Down to a fine, dustless rut

So don't bother You can just keep going back and forth Because that way lies hope Until basketball comes Just set up a Google alert that's that'll save you time set up an aOL alert a geocity sorry sorry yes have a special code on your beeper one for the meth man and then one for rival signing a three-star recruit just have coach stoops personally text you every time a new kid from ohio he will cross in a board got a yachts

with three asterisks y'all you know like the the beeper code is like y2 z I like that the Houston nut rule which forbids a school from signing 39 players I think Kentucky could just sort of slip past that because is Mike's live

going to wake up in the morning on signing day and actually look at their their rivals page I think Kentucky's made up some of these players I think Stoops is like yeah we got

Billiam McGillicuddy he's a four star from West Virginia And then on signing, they're just going to be like, oh, Billiam had to go back to Canada. Sorry. Yeah, Jordash, Pennsylvania. Oh, he didn't have the grades. We signed DB Cooper.

He's an outstanding jumper out of Washington. Yeah, we got Mark Stoopsie. He's a real hard playing kid. I got to go. We got a weight lift. It'll just be like that. seat in home alone. Oh, yeah, you know, you just look through the window. You can see them all in there, and it's just a Michael Jordan cut out on a train. He set up a bunch of marionettes.

Let me give you some of the worst. We do have ranked teams playing, but that doesn't mean we have ranked teams playing ranked teams. For instance, the 0-and-6 Yukon Huskies. It's 0.5 and 5.5.5, but go ahead. They're playing... They did almost beat Michigan. They did almost be... They remember that? Speaking of being pushed to previously unknown limits and door depth.

It's just Brady Hoke at the bottom of that Marianas trench. This is tremendous. The bubbles taste like pizza. So delicious. You know what? You bet you could put Brady Hoke like 5,000 feet down to the ocean. He wouldn't turn inside out. It's fine.

They'd be like... There'd be, like, lanternfish passing him going, dude, I don't know how you're doing this. And he's like, I'm going to hungry. UCF placed them coming off their big win over, Louisville, Louisville, Wake Forest, Miami, Ryan's game. Woo! Idiot. Jim Grove has done it before, God damn it. Hey, they are two and two in conference.

Wake Forest, that's like 500. It's just the same thing almost, right? at Wake Forest. It's like you don't have a curve for Wake Forest anymore. Dude, Wake Forest is going to go to a bowl game, and Florida probably won't. I know. This year's hilarious. Oklahoma State goes to Iowa State.

This is like Iowa State's third upset bid in a row that they're not going to cash in on. They're banking them all for Kansas or something. You know what? Has Iowa State played Kansas yet? pardon me for not knowing that no they have not they don't play them until they're next to last game of the season yeah that's a rivalry they say everybody knows that that might be kansas's shot at winning a big 12 game because they're they're actually getting better marginally like little increments every week they're also talking about playing a freshman quarterback iowa states one and

five just keep saying that to yourself they're one and five how about how about the riot bowl Iowa State, West Virginia. Yeah, that's not could have. That's, no, Kansas. Kansas might, if I had money to put on Kansas football, which no sane man does, I'd put it on Kansas for that game. Easy. Nebraska will play at Minnesota.

By the way, that's five and two Minnesota. Yeah. One and two in conference coming up, a big win over Northwestern. Do you know who the best team Nebraska has been? beaten so far as. Oh, do tell. Is it South Dakota? It's Illinois. So are we entertaining the very

real possibility of Nebraska losing here? Yes, yes, absolutely. On the road, it's a nooner. Oh, it's at noon? Oh, they're done. Nothing good happens at noon. That's what my parents always told me. Never go to school.

I don't do anything you want, because 12 o'clock, nothing good ever happens then. Louisville plays at South Florida in 2005's most interesting game. You buy a ticket to that game for half a torn dollar. It doesn't even have to be viable currency anymore. Is this the game of the week where, is this the can buy a ticket with two cigarettes game of the week? You're like, yeah, I got a box seat. I gave him a park place. Oh, they haven't won the McDonald's Monopoly game in years, no.

I'm sitting in the owner's box. I'm actually a glazer. I gave him. I'm in South Florida. I gave him three nicotine patches. That's how I got up here. One. It was just a Band-Aid.

Dirty one that picked up the sidewalk. Because it's Tampa, and I'm sure there's nothing wrong with it. Another early noon one that, of some note, Vanderbilt goes to Texas A&M. Which, again, I think you have to watch your ass if you're Texas A&M here because Manzell is not 100%. And Vanderbilt, they're playing like angry, desperate, scared billionaires. I don't know what Vanderbilt fans would do if they beat Georgia and Johnny Manzell in back-to-back weeks. Well, they would say goodbye to their head coach is what they would do.

Yes. They would bid him, au revoir. Thank him for his service. and just let him pass over the horizon. If you want the most terrifying possible game, I think there's just terror in all directions here, by the way. Clemson at Maryland. A wound and dabbo, confused and stunned,

possibly yelling gibberish at the lights. And this is a beat-up Maryland. So Clemson is going to come out and be like, oh, let's just crush him. And then it's going to be 6-0 at halftime. They're going to be like, God damn it. So now Maryland loses like eight players for the year, and they're down by six points in the fourth quarter. Yeah, Clemson's going to have – Clemson's going to have 42 first downs and 20 points in the fourth quarter.

Like, how does that happen? I would also point your attention to – not poor state. They're going to kill NC State. The intriguing – the undefeated team that nobody talks about because nobody seems to buy into a weak big 12. But, hey, Texas Tech, you're 7 and O and handsome. And after this week, you'll be handsome. Look at you, Texas Tech. Now, when's this blind faith in Oklahoma,

who looked like baked cat ass, casserole, Tereen? Against Texas. Against Texas. I'm convinced that one was a little bit of a favor from Mr. Stucke. for a for mac brown who's who's done him so well over the last few years wanted to send a man out on a high note how do you give that the loved colleague how do you give that speech we're beyond plausibility so why not entertain it just stoop's going out there boys today i need you to you to you know chill i think i think the speech is um just tell blake bell to keep throwing just stand

still move only his arm that's the only speech you have to give if you don't use his legs Texas loses. Well, he did say it didn't feel comfortable running the 7-foot-tall, 300-pound Blake Bell. Yeah, who would ever feel comfortable doing that? Yeah, well, I mean, maybe he didn't feel comfortable running him because he doesn't feel comfortable losing his buddy. You know what Blake Bell actually is? You know how when somebody does an analysis of a superhero in a costume, he'll be like, oh, if Batman actually wore all this shitty war, he couldn't, like, he couldn't move, he couldn't jump, he couldn't, like, turn to his left. That's Blake Bell.

He's like real-life Batman, just overloaded and slowly his knees being shredded by the weight of his armor. Like Iron Man with the power off. Right. Like somebody did an analysis of the Pacific Rim monsters and that it was like they would be generating a billion tons of energy just to throw a punch. Which is that's Blake Bell thrown in football. So in other words, you just have to feed Blake Bell like cliff bars constantly in order to get an effective Blake Bell. Yes, to eat an entire rhinoceros every snap. well you know man gino's not doing anything go go go go fetching one uh let's see uh ukula at oregon i think

oregon is going to uh trash UCLA just because the UCLA's front if you saw them against Stanford uh they they they melted they're really not up the middle no no sir yeah it's not going to be pretty yeah they they're going to that. Hey, Tennessee, Alabama. I maintain this is going to be reasonably close. For what length of time? The whole game? Seven minutes. No, a whole game. That's Tennessee's gig this year. Yeah. And they've gotten better. They're one of the few teams I can honestly say they've gotten better every week. Now, what is it that Tennessee's really good at? They've improved by becoming mediocre at everything. Because you'd think it'd be,

oh, that's the passing game. But Justin Worley ranks near the bottom of the SEC in the numbers. I'm just, I don't know how they're doing this because they don't appear to be good in anything. Respecting their elders. Yeah. Oskying. I believe Oskying is part of this, if I remember. General Neeland.

That's Brigadier General. I remember Neeland. It's like the first general. It's like the entry level general. Not even like a professional general Bumper pool Bumper pool That's an important

Playing whist How they're doing it Riverboat Riverboat style You know Tennessee's cool grandpa Yeah they're the cool That's it

That's like how's you beating me In cribbage They're just winking Just winking at stuff They're doing stuff that you can wink after Stuff always works I think Tennessee keeps us close the whole time. I do. There's just

no way Alabama's up for him, and there's no way Tennessee isn't hair on fire raging this week. Nick Saban thanks you for your lack of faith in his team. I know. I evidently remember, I'm what motivates his team, not him. So thanks for saying stuff.

Press. Then finally, rolling through I know who's going to score 70 points this week. It's Auburn. They're playing FAU. who yeah well

there you go and Carl Polini it looked like in that head what if what if you bring its own bird of combat and debuts a war owl

for the game that owl's getting shot out of the sky and a jerk and error like they fly the war eagle and all of a sudden the war owl goes up and somebody's pulling a gun

and firing from the stance that's how that works it's pat die it's it's it's a hammered pat die like dangone it that was supposed to be the shotgun full of bourbon hold on i got another one right here i gotta start labeling these you got a sharpie oh i love you pat die

uh south carolina at missouri probably probably you know this is like probably one of the best games of the day if not the best game of the day because South Carolina needs this bad bad and I'm like the real Columbia yeah this is the battle this is the battle for the battle of Columbia

who is the real Columbia but by the way I don't really like the answer to either one I think the answer is DC in a very terrifying way but how about Columbia I would take that over either of these. And not just for the pharmaceuticals. Finally, we have Ohio State, Penn State, which, no, we probably get that.

Is this the game that you get, right? Like everywhere, they're like, with all of college football's bounty, big game on ABC is still going to be freaking Ohio State with some overmatched Big Ten lesser. The most exciting Thirds and Eight you'll ever see. You're already live at Ohio State fans complaining about Miami's NCAA sanctions.

What about me? It's gathered here because they're the only fan base the NCAA has ever punished. He snaps it off and it's three yards to make it fourth and seven. We'll be right back after this

Boniva commercial. You know, this might actually be a good game because I want it to be. There's really no reason statistically this should be a good game. You're a Florida fan. You don't get anything you want this season. I will close with a note, by the way, on

my trip to Oxford related to that statement, sir. Stanford, Oregon State. Remember, Oregon State, most baffling, awesome record in college football because that one came to a FCS school. It came to Eastern Washington.

And now they're 4-0 in the Pack 12, because evidently everyone else is easier than Eastern Washington. Well, Colorado definitely is, and so is Cal. We're not going too far with some of the teams Oregon states actually played. That's true. Oh, man. And then the late-nighter, it's Fresno State at San Diego State. The kick is at 10.30 p.m. Eastern.

So, you know, if you want to watch David Carr threw 79 passes while you tax yourself into, like, an insurmountable sleep debt, you know, join us. Also, there is a Hawaii Midnighter this week. Oh, with Atlanta. Colorado State. Which that is sure to go to four overtimes. You know, that answer, like, I was like, man, what would make that a really crappy, uncompelling game? Colorado State's a perfect answer for that. I was like, no, no, that's about right.

Oh, in Cal Washington, Cal Washington. What if it somehow snuck up on you that Hawaii's opponent was like Georgia? If we just slept on that, you're like, Sugar Bowl Revenge. Or it's like, oh my God, Texas is flying at Hawaii? Available only on the Longhorn Network. It kicks A real longhorn network Let's just make it like as

Let's make the Longhorn Network Even like less findable and watchable By starting a Texas Hawaii game at one in the morning I think they just do tape delay And they show it at 9 a.m. Central And a special partnership with NHK TV in Japan Only available at 4 in the morning on NHK In Chinese perversely enough

be like, honey, I don't understand Texas is playing, but they only got Ronco commercials on. Wait, I like these better. Let's watch that. That's good. These are dependable products. I'm like this Texas football team. Texas, by the way, plays TCU this week. Ooh, boy. Things haven't gone Gary Patterson's way. That's one where nobody knows what to make of it. There's a... Their defense is really good. They really are.

The team that's favored, I think it keeps... flipping back and forth. Nobody can decide who's actually favorite here. I think we'll just, you know, we're going to put a cow on a narrow cinder block fence, see which side it follows on. That's how he decided things in Texas. Yeah. Oh, he's on the TCU side.

You get to butcher him. Yeah, those are those are my notes for this week. I would go ahead and say this, that, yeah, Ryan. Yeah. We are Florida fans. We don't get what we want. No. that's fine but but i had like a really miserable football season like just miserable like

why are you even watching this isn't fun right like zero fun then i went yeah go ahead sorry you can't see you can do other things i can't it's my job if you're suggesting that sports writers can't write about sports without watching it there's like a thousand people you need to know about go ahead Hi Mitch Album I just start Maybe that's what happens

They'll get burned by their favorite team And they're like I'm just going to write about the kids How everything's cool or pop People love that No but I was I was at Old Miss And I saw people who were happy

Like terrified and scared And wearing ridiculous clothing But who were really happy It reminded me that like You can actually enjoy this Like, even though they were two seconds away from not, from really not. Yeah, and these things, you know, in 2006, when you won a national title, who was their head coach? You're talking about Ole Miss?

Yeah. Yeah, that would be. These things, these things go around and come around. Remember that? You'll have your day. I believe that would be, and then who became their head coach? why that would be the current head coach of USC Who you'll remember lost last week

Which you know That was a good week-long order on bubble we had Right They can't even beat Notre Dame And they lost like 14 to what seven There were people who During that game were tweeting at me Because I think I said something like

Who the hell is watching Notre Dame USC Instead of Clemson, Florida State And they're like Well at least this game is close And, you know, close is, if close is the standard for a game to watch, then you should just, you should just move to, I'm trying to think, like, the most boring Eastern Bloc country possible, because, you know, justice and death, they'll always be close. Yeah, Cobrook's close to the floor. Right. Exactly.

You're like, well, you know what? You know what? Man, who's not living? Well, at least Kansas's landscape is. is equal. Left side of the road, why, it's tied with the right side of the road.

I can look at either side and they're equally intriguing. Yes, because they're flat. It's absolutely nothing. My favorite thing about that game is Bill Connolly saying three days later that he's tried to watch it and he just can't.

Not even Bill can make it through that game. It's like the worst the ring ever. Everybody's like, nah, not finishing this. It's like, oh, we curse the wrong video. I'll live forever. The tape's like you're up. to make it to the third of the curse won't set in.

You're like, fuck this shit. I'll die. I'll die. Bailed that way through the first. I'm like, the first person to get the tape of USC Notre Dame. It's like, taking one for the team, y'all. It's been real. I'm going to watch this and I'm going to die of this curse. Right about what a stupid wizard made this. You leave Bob Davy alone.

All right, that's where we are. There we go. There we go.