Shutdown Fullcast - Shutdown Fullcast Ten

Episode Date: November 13, 2013

The Fullcast looks at the disasters of the college football season so far, but first looks at some personal debacles like taking yohimbe and going to law school. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Everybody deserves everything that happens to them. There's no excuses, like Nick Saban would say, there is no escape. You are what you are because of something you did. And that thing for me was one time I took Yohebbe. Are you familiar with Yohimbe? I have no idea. No?

No, okay. I don't think so. Um, it's basically, uh, it's basically herbal Viagra, which I, at the time when I took it, I was, uh, I believe 24, thinking that, you know, being an idiot going, well, what could it possibly do? And if anyone out there has had this same experience, you know what it'll do, which is you can't leave your house for three hours easily. And that condition, which you so sought, the thrilling excitement. quickly fades to the deep concern over a possible ER visit. So that I deserve, because I should have known, particularly taking twice the suggested dose. Because what could go wrong with an unlicensed supplement involving your penis? So you took a drug that made you unable to leave your house, and then you began a career writing on the Internet.

That's exactly how that happens. These things work out just fine. At a certain point, your wife is no longer interested. And you are left to your own devices. And that's when you start a sports blog. So kids trying to make it in that sports blog game. Here's what you do. That's all you do.

Can that be your epitaph at a certain point your wife is no longer interested? At a certain point, those who love you no longer love you. It's on the long enough timeline. It's just, yeah, a long enough continuum. But you only did that one day, right? Let's just say that there was an experiment and there was a set, and that that set was sufficient enough to consider it as scientific results. All right, well, let me ask a different question.

Did your experience with this particular supplement last less than three years? Like I said, I wanted to make sure. I'm pretty thorough. I want to make sure that things work. And then I started a sports blog. So that's enough about me. What was your disastrous mistake, Ryan? Well, that's sort of what I'm alluding to.

I mean, I went to law school. Yeah. And going to law school is one of the, it's not like buying something on the internet where you can say, oh, I was really drunk. I don't remember doing it. Oh, boy, now I own a Komodo dragon. It's something that you have to take several steps to do. And at any point, along those steps, you can just say, nope, not going to do this.

But I can think back and explain to you why I am pretty much everybody else goes to law school. The reason is this is, so at least I was explaining this to somebody a while ago. I don't remember who. Hopefully it wasn't you guys. You know how when you were a kid, one thing that people really wanted to grow up and be was a marine biologist? Oh, yeah. That was like, that might be for about 30 years of worth of children. That's pretty much the, like, the top of the line career, right?

Right. Moved to San Diego and teach dolphins things. Right, because you think it's just swimming around with whales and turtles and having fun in a boat all day. But that's not actually what being a marine biologist. is like. That's the same sort of disconnect is what leads people to go to law school. They either watched Law and Order or maybe read a Scott to Row novel, and they have sort of assumed like, oh, well, being a lawyer is sort of sexy and fun and, you know, interesting.

And it's really just a lot of bullshit that you don't. the same way that a marine biologist may spend two years in a lab analyzing turtle poop that's what you actually do as a lawyer is that is that what marine biologists do probably right there probably is a marine biologist who analyzes sea turtle feces takes yo himbe again keep talking keep talking this is going places this is going somewhere i'm listening go maryland i don't Yeah, what was yours, Jason? Well, I just want to point out, we've combined turtle shit and academics, so that's a pretty big ten. I was going to say? Well, there's a long list of things I could choose from. Technically, the dumbest thing I've ever did is probably some really Georgia shit. I rode a motor scooter at 5 a.m. for no good reason, and got in a wreck and broke my arm, shattered it in like four places, and then drove the thing back to where it came from.

um that's that's technically that's the dumbest thing i've ever done okay well i want to go ahead i want to add the georgia ship to it because what we're talking about now is merely a nocturnal ill-advised foray on an unlicensed i'm guessing or at least not yours motor scooter right yes both both yes okay all right so we're a little georgia right there violation of several traffic laws and basic sort of responsibilities of ownership um were you intoxicated at the time uh no i i was unhelmeted, not wearing shoes, and I don't believe I was wearing a shirt. Okay. Now we're, now, now, now we're doing this up. You were more nude than not nude. Yeah, by far. I think the fact that I was, I was sober, makes it even dumber.

That does make it a little dumber. Where was this? What, what community? This was in Woodstock, Georgia. Oh, let's just say there are lots of trucks. It was a nicer subdivision, so, you know, rich people, they don't really care about running over poor white kids. You know, so probably the worst place in the world to just go doing this around at, I believe it was at 4 or 5 a.m. I'm impressed. That's good. This is, by the way, you know, a good 10 minutes into this, the shutdown forecast. I'm Spencer Hall. and joining me, Celebrity Hot Tub, A.K.A. Ryan.

The worst A.k.a.a. Ryan. Yeah, I like to do that backwards, so we can introduce you as Celebrity Hot Tub and then give you a bland name. Like, this is Wonderbred, aka Starch. And SB Nation, college football editor, writer, and Cobb County expert, Jason Kirk. A goddamn right. We're going to talk about tonight a little bit about disasters because we have reached the point in the season where some harsh self-examination is due, but we're not going to talk about our own teams.

We're actually just going to make fun of yours, i.e., teams that came into the season with hopes and dreams, and I've watched them all spoil and die, and crinkle up like a spider in a frying pan. Just... Have you fried a spider? That is disgusting. Well, the Ombia experiment had other side effects.

Apparently, folk medicine gets really weird in Ecuador. But I wanted to talk about a few of those. For instance, the disaster I'm fascinated with happens to be Paul Feinbaum's appearances on game day. because it's bad, which I don't know if you've seen it. I don't know if you actually have the stomach to sit through it, but I do think everybody on the game day set wants Paul dead. Yeah, well, it's definitely exactly what I would envision,

if you were to tell me, Paul Feinbaum is going to be seated right in the middle of an otherwise prestigious and respectable program. and just be himself, just issue forth himself all over the place. You know, he's being himself on purpose and getting the exact reaction he's hoping for, which is, makes one squeamish to watch it. I kind of entertained by it, especially Desmond Howard, who definitely doesn't appear to have been familiar with Paul Feinbaum's previous work at all, just because he'll engage him as if he's an actual,

person making points. He doesn't take him on like, oh, that's stupid. He just, he engages him in an actual argument, destroys him in eight words. But it's just funny because Desmond Howard seems really amused by this creature that's been plopped in front of him.

You know what it's... Go ahead. It sort of feels like to me, part of the visually uncomfortable environment there is that Feimbach is very clearly not used to being second fiddle.

Nobody talks over him on his show. Nobody sort of directs the conversation, and he just sort of has to go along with it. It's kind of, it feels very much akin to watching, like, a formerly great basketball player in, like, his 15th year, go sign some veterans minimum contract with the Orlando Magic or something, and then jack up 30 shots a game while everybody else glares that. I'm like, you old asshole, what are you doing? By the way, that could be any number of Orlando Magic players. Yeah, I described the entire history of the Orlando Magic after in 1997 or so. That's extraordinary. Yeah, another really off-putting thing about the Paul Fine Baum experience thus far,

his initial question that he'll ask, and then getting absolutely talked over and annihilated. Because you're right, he doesn't ever. He hasn't ever worked in an environment where he's going to be talked back at, right? His setup has been, I will get a crazy person from the state of Alabama to talk. And then I will occasionally nod and go, he has the best, mm-hmm, and the business. Can't take that away from him. And then let them talk themselves out. That's not what happens here.

And the camera will pull back. And there are these big men in suits, right? Like, Pollock is now 130 pounds, but he's still like Paul, right? He's just sitting there barely clinging to life with his all-juicer food, which is like the least Gwinnett County thing ever. I'm convinced he can't actually go back to Gwinnett because they're like, he ain't even eating biscuits anymore, dang it. But that happens, right? And then you see Paul, and he just shrinks. He just gets smaller and smaller until he just looks like salacious bee crumb, just a

puppet sitting on that little stool. Yeah, that's because, you know, he's familiar with the weird mystique around SEC country, which Desmond Howard is completely immune to. Yeah, like, I love it when he was in Washington, because I know everyone in the stand sitting there at, you know, like, 8 in the morning when they're all, like, cranked off of craft beer and, like, semi-legal weed, they're just looking at it, and they're like, dude, who's this Muppet? Who is this weird, dark Muppet who looks like?

like, you know, Mr. Burns. Pulified bum is the dark crystal. Yeah, so that's my current disaster. Ryan, who is yours? My, this is kind of painful because, you know, I work. I spend a lot of time now at the New York SB Nation offices with Roger Sherman, but my disaster has got to be the Northwestern Wildcats. That's a good pick.

Yeah. Now, go on, go on, sorry. Well, no, no, no. If you have thoughts or comments, please. Well, I was just going to say, are you referring to the Northwestern Wildcats that went undefeated in SEC play last year, sir? Yeah, yeah, that would be those same ones. Taking down Mississippi State University and Vanderbilt University in football. Yeah, widely regarded to be the top teams in their regions of their states. In Nashville and Starzville, yes.

I don't know. I mean, if any MTSU is right there every now, then, you know. That's true. It's only 25 minutes out. Yeah. Yeah. I forgot that Northwestern, because part of me was looking at this and saying, oh, well, Northwestern, you know, had this big climb when they started four and O. But I forgot that they started the season ranked. So people thought, based on last year, based on, you know, that sweet Gator Bowl victory, that Northwestern was ready to make some noise. And they are four and five right now, and they very, like, there's a very realistic chance that they don't make a bowl game this year.

Because they're not going to beat Michigan State. They probably will beat Illinois, but they also might not because everything is going terrible for Northwestern right now. And also because Tim Beckman has made it his life's goal to beat Northwestern. He's established this weird rivalry that nobody but him cares about. He refuses to wear purple. I wonder what he calls Northwestern, because he can't call him the school up Northwest. Yeah, he has to, I guess call them, you know, I would come up with some absurd name, like the fake Naval Academy, because they're on a word. Be like, well, you know, the fake Naval Academy up there, they'd be like, man, Tim Beckman has, like, syphilist-induced madness.

What the hell's wrong with him? It's always a big deal every year when we go up to play purple, not Chicago. You know, old West Gary, Indiana up there. They've also lost games in excruciating fashion. Wait, are you saying having Ron Kellogg throw a Hail Mary to beat them is excruciating because I think it's hilarious. Well, the voluptuous Ron Kellogg. The zafting Ron Kellogg heaving a billowing, glistening ball

of football pastry skyward and defeating you. Yes, that hurts. Lane Bryant, quarterback of the year. Oh, my God. I really like it's Northwestern Michigan this week, two teams that this year have combined for what, the four most painful losses in the country? And they're going to figure this out amongst themselves somehow.

Yeah, I don't know if you saw the Iowa game. But anytime it's 17, you know it's a magical overtime game if it's 1710 at the final. 1710. That's how that game ended. Not quite a Buffalo game where they go into 5 OTs and get to 24, but still. But yeah, and now they're going to face Michigan. Michigan State and Illinois, which, oh, oh boy, Illinois, Tim Beckman's so excited about that. If they're facing, like, if they're right at bowl eligibility, right?

Like, just imagine if they somehow win against Michigan, right? And then they lose to Michigan State. And they're sitting there at, like, five and six trying to get to six, six, and Tim Beckman can interrupt it all. Yeah, this is Tim Beckman, he's waiting all year to knock off his hated rival. You think, you know what, I would respect it if he was like, yeah, I hate Darren Revelle, too. He's like, yeah, you know why I hate Northwestern? Darren Revelle, every college football fan on the planet would be like, damn right. War damn, Aligni.

Now, this could all be just, you know, a reaction to the Pat Fitzgerald rumors. Anytime there's a rumor, coaching vacancy, somebody says, well, this AD knows Pat Fitzgerald, or Pat Fitzgerald used to live within three states of there. or whatever, and Northwestern fans get extremely defensive about it, like, even more than like Baylor or Boise State fans. So maybe this is all just sort of a thing to ensure that, like, nobody takes him. Our love is different. He doesn't understand money.

Well, like, well, sure he's not going anywhere. He just went five and seven in the Big Ten. Oh, Arkansas might snap him up, which gives me a convenient excuse to go ahead and get to our final disaster. Yes. In fact, let's talk about Arkansas, which started this season an astounding 3-0 against the Raging Cajuns, Samford, and Southern Miss, the worst program in FBS, two years running. And since then, since Jen Bilema tweeted, hashtag Karma have lost seven straight, some of them

quite uncompetitive, possibly the worst passing offense in FBS. Which were the competitive ones? The Rutgers game? Yeah, Degame, I need to hear this. Rutgers, Rutgers by four, Ole Miss by 10. Rutgers. But this is all you really do know.

Current state of Arkansas football, two-game losing straight to Rutgers. They will probably never get the chance to break. No, that's eternity right there. Oh, I don't know. That'll be a Gator Bowl someday. Or the worst Sugar Bowl ever. began with K, and it lasts forever.

It's all you need to know. Meanwhile, Brett Beal was like, I bought that at a pawn shop. Yeah, you should also know that back-to-back-52s. I don't know if I've seen a team lose with the 52. It was 52-7 to South Carolina

and 52-0 to Alabama. That's the real, like, the great insult there. Like, at least Steve Spurter being humane was like, yeah, you'll get a touchdown. Go ahead. Take it. You get seven. Nick Saban is like, you shall not pass.

Can't believe it, AJ. Can't believe you look, peel him in the eye. He'll get that big stink on you. I do like that they put up 33 points in Texas A&M because who the hell doesn't put up 33 points on Texas A&M? You know what? That's all. They just want to watch Johnny play again. That's it.

Just get the ball back to him. Just, you know, everything he wants, man. Just get the ball back to him. By the way, how much of this, this is the practical football question here. There we go. There we go there. But like, for Florida fans, we've been trying to figure out how much of this is Will Mustnance fault.

A real step in maturity and growth, because previously we just would have fired him. But how much of this is, like, how much of this is Bill and his fault, i.e., like, is there any reason for them to have any degree of hope going into 2000? Well, he seems to be a decent recruiter. I mean, not up to SEC WestEnders, but he's showing he can go into Florida. You know, he can recruit a little bit nationally, and we should kind of have to do it, Wisconsin. So I don't know about 2014, but 2015, maybe. The definite upside is his gimmick is pulling in ACC quarterback transfers.

And hey, that Coker kid who's backing up James Winston at Florida State, he's going to be on the market. it. So maybe there you go. That's true. Although, you know, there's a lot of people in the SEC probably use a quarterback now. Maybe a couple of lines. Maybe four or five wide receivers. I've got to drive through Alabama to get to Arkansas. So there goes that idea. Maybe there's a backup of Georgia Tech or something. Maybe Florida can get another guy from Temple. That seems to be our level right now. We can go grab another Temple quarterback.

back. I wanted to go ahead and now look at, we have some reader questions to answer before we move on to the games of the week for the week. Gentlemen, I'm going to give you an opportunity to find yours. These are submitted via Twitter to the accounts in question for us. I want to go ahead and answer this, which is, who does Ed Orgeron hire as his coordinators, You're ready? Because this is good. When he takes the Mississippi State job. Doof. Yeah.

Dan Mullen. Dan Mullen? Dan Mullen. Offensive coordinator. Dan Mullen's finally like, at it! Defensive coordinator? Chris Kiffin? I'm going to give you one day.

I'm going to go back. I'm going to Nick Holt. He's picking up Nick Holt. I'm trying to think of some dude who's like, Defense is allow like 500 yards a game who just keeps getting jobs. Nicole, sounds like you, man. So, yeah, I think that's the staff. And by the way, you want to know where Trooper's coming back.

Clangha. What? Trooper to Clangor. That's how this ends. Will he just, will he, like, duct tape a cowbell to his towel? That seems really dangerous. Yeah, that doesn't mean he won't do it. Can the NCAA afford to have a branch?

office in Starkville? Well, you know what? Real estate's not a problem. It's just a little acreage. NCD up Lake can build a compound there. They really want to set up a webcam. I saw that. Move it to the side.

Troopers out there just throwing bags of euros. Yeah, that's my question. That's how I'm going to answer. I think I do have one other one I want to answer. here, which I've sort of found fascinating, which is, as an Illini and alum and fan, I can't even handle this joke. I don't even know if that's a question, but, yeah, but you know what? My sympathies to you, dude.

And remember, beat Northwestern, the new mantra of Illinois football, and that fake Naval Academy up on Lake Michigan. That's really all that matters. Ryan, you have your question? Yeah, let's go with, okay, this is a fairly standard question, but I like it. This question is, what is the optimal time for a college football kickoff? Hmm. And, you know, I think, let's assume for the sake of humanity that we're talking about something in the SEC region.

because there are like no good times that it looks like to be at a Michigan game, for instance. They'll just sort of look sort of miserable and sad, sort of like you live three, not right next to a factory, but three blocks away from the factory. And the factory makes negative running place. I think the ideal kickoff time for me being an SEC fan is I like 3.30. because you get that good hint of infernal heat and then the transition into night because there's no better feeling than when the sun just goes right over the lip of the stadium

and everyone goes, oh God, I'm not going to die of heat stroke. Oh, my God, thank you. So I like 3.30 games. Big fan of those. I like games that end nice and early so I can get the fuck to sleep. It's just an old man jason. I'll tell you what.

I do like this time of year when it gets cold out west so they can't do that midnight kickoff bullshit, and they got, you know, the late game kicks off at, like, 10. That's fine. I can hang with that. That's fine. So, uh, free 10. If they, you, you like it when the mountain pass might freeze over, right?

Like, that's when, because when they're like, oh, man, we got to kick early. Why? Yeah. Before the wolves come out. Yeah. Exactly. Like, I don't know. Those mount lines are active tonight, you know.

The bridge over the pass is out. So, there's no people emerge. before the bikers and snow people start getting to the women and children. I do like the 3.30 just because, you know, you're still nice and fresh. You still, you know, you don't feel like you've endured an entire day of college football yet. You've gotten the Big Ten ACC bullshit out of the way, you know, and you feel like you're at your peak, your peak watchability. And it's usually a bigger game. and you do get the nice time transition thing

where by the fourth quarter it's dark and everything feels really dangerous and stakes high you know I think I'd vote for the 3.30. I'm going to differ. I'm going to say I prefer the noon kickoff and here's why. First of all, if things go,

this is totally a pessimist perspective, but if things go really, really, really badly, like I don't know, you lose to Vanderbilt by 17 Is it just an example? Yeah, during your homecoming game, first to home loss since, I don't know, we were fighting countries that no longer exist. No, in front of like multiple five-star recruits? Yeah. There's a lot of them, yeah.

Okay. Say that happened. But if it happens at noon, there's enough time left in the day for everybody else to focus on other ugly things that happened. You've fucked up early enough in the day that you won't be the focal point anymore. yeah and you're also not losing late enough that people wake up to the mess you've left right yeah and also on an emotional level man lose it really late at night you go to bed and wake up and you're like oh maybe it didn't happen oh no it's sort of like hitting a car in a parking lot but then somebody else hits that car so you can say oh well I didn't do all that

ma'am here's my card just hand her like your old smoothie king bonus card you know that's uh i i really uh i really do also by the way occasionally love the completely bonkers uh bonkers like 10 o'clock 11 o'clock click occasionally oh yeah no i i i know i'm alone in that i don't want to argue for that as any normality whatsoever but uh occasionally it's very nice to like look up it's one 30 or two in the morning and you're watching some obese hawaiian man talk about a player who's actually not that good. You were raised by raccoons, though. We should play that.

That's true. We're on some Tennessee shit here. Now, how about the random, like, 1045 AM Service Academy game? Because, like, those dudes have to get to, like, drills at noon. They have to go learn how to operate nuclear weapons. Or because it's being played in Iceland or something? Yeah, exactly. Like when Notre Dame goes over and, like, oh,

pay, we're going to pay tribute to the old sod Irish people are like, book off you know, like that. But I do like those games because you get to see like one dude who just wanted to go see a football game but didn't have anything college football related

so he's just wearing like a Chicago Bulls jersey. Yeah. It's like, yeah, this is my American outfit. There we go. It's like when Europeans dress up for Halloween, everyone's a win. Everyone's a witch.

Jason, do you have a question from the readers you'd like to answer? They're all about Toledo. Okay, that's good. And that's just the ones I'm really eyeing in general. All about Toledo. It's a big Toledo night. So, you know, one question is how many touchdowns would Toledo beat Michigan by? Another is, could Michigan reach minus 200 rushing yards against Toledo?

I sense a vengeful theme. There's a lot of Toledo in Michigan going on here. Akron is dollar store Toledo, so. Which, wow. Yeah. There's always, remember, there's always somebody who couldn't get into your end-of-life, like, drunken. hospice for alcoholics, right? Like, no matter how low you go, there's somebody living below you.

But doesn't that mean by definition there has to be somebody out there who's at the very, who is at the bottom? Nope, turtles all the way down. Just loops right back. It's some sort of terrifying uroboros. Yeah, unless we're talking about, unless we're talking about Akron football. I'll give Akron the bottom. Let's start there.

Oh. Poor, Akron. Looking ahead, by the way, to this week's games, because it's, let's be frank, it's not really the best possible schedule. Not a whole lot of interest out there. We do, I mean, there's some stuff. Like, for instance, if you're interested in Tim Beckman's big moment, it's not this weekend because they're playing Ohio State.

Yeah. Yeah. And, please. Oh, well, you know, just speaking of the 330 slot, let me just run down this 330 slot for you. Georgia, Auburn, Oklahoma State, Texas, Michigan State, Nebraska, Miami, Duke. Duke could beat Miami. Good. Good. And Florida State is scrimaging.

Yeah, Florida State on their fifth scrimmage of the year, I think. They've got two left on their schedule, at least, counting Florida, which, you know, they're on hiatus this year. Doing a little remodeling, pushing things around. I, like, bless this mess or excuse our progress, really will must champ should just get that tattooed on his forehead. He'll do it the wrong. He'll do it in the mirror, so it won't read the right way. No, that's how it's supposed to be. Selb, what does that mean?

I am what my forehead says I am. That says you're illiterate. Okay, go dogs. Yeah, I picture him going way too deep with that needle, like piercing all the dermis and cutaneouses and just completely injecting himself with ink. How did your coach die of a bone infection? Well, I'm sorry. I got ink brain.

What do we notice? You see, his brain swelled to twice its normal size. He lost function of most of the same. this frontal lobes, I'll be damned. He's pretty much actually the perfect alligator coach because you know you can blow an alligator's head out and it just keeps functioning. That's a little must champ.

Just boom stick him. He'd be like, ow! I think we need to run on first down. Hasn't effective him at all. The same man, right there. I'm a big fan, by the way, of the early slate because it's just uniformly sort of bad all the way down. I like that.

It lets me know what I could just utterly skip and schedule while I'm folding clothes and doing what you do in the 12 o'clock shift. But 3.30? You're correct. 3.30 gets some good stuff going. I am totally going to watch that Duke Miami game because Duke is playing the best shoestring football of any team in the nation right now. They have zero ambition. They have no shame. I think if they had to punt on third down, it wouldn't be a lot.

like when Florida would do it because we'd lost track of the downs, they're doing it on purpose. That's cool. Just got a hunch. Yeah. Like, well, we did a lot of, we did a lot on those first two downs. It might be winded. Should go ahead and kick. Man's reach should not exceed his grasp.

Are you guys playing a pre-vent in the first quarter? Hey, hey. That's not a pre-vent. We're just making sure nothing gets behind us. We just don't like to, we're claustrophobic. You know, we got to make them, you know, spread offense makes you defend every bit of the field. The defense should do the same. Just spread everybody out.

Just turn the tables. I'll make you defend everything back 40 yards. Just try to get through that. Alabama, Mississippi State. I did not know this. Mississippi State has played Alabama more than any other school. So just know that when you look at Alabama and you're like, how much of that sausage is filler.

A lot of its Mississippi State over like a hundred years. So a pretty good amount of its filler, actually. Are you saying Mississippi State is mattress stuffing? I'm saying they're the head cheese surrounding the chunks of Guantali and other fine porks that are then stuffed into a tube. That's pretty much the SEC, right?

Like large chunks of the stuff scraped off of a slaughterhouse's floor and then surrounded with chunks of Alabama and LSU. Yeah, sure. Sure. That's a disgusting metaphor. I'll take it. That's exactly what I've always said.

Also that night, I'll say this. USC playing host to Sanford, currently number four. If USC wins this game, it will be very hard for them not to give any origin on the head coaching shop. That's so good. Well, I stop there.

Let's say USC wins the Rose Bowl. Sure. Yeah. USC wins the Rose Bowl. Suddenly, we're looking at... Texas Bidding War. So you're looking at Ed Orgeron. How much food is he going to have to buy?

Because remember, the great secret I've determined of Ed Orgeron's success as coach in the interim has been catering. right yeah go go get that touchdown for cookie cake boys that's all he's done he's like okay well I'm not going to be Elaine Kiffin

half the job there the other half is oh boys it's cronut time that is actually a very effective approach to management because everybody automatically likes the boss who brings donuts in

better than the boss who doesn't regardless of all other factors. The company could be hemorrhaging money. You could be laying off people left and right. But, hey, Friday's donuts time. He's bringing, he's bringing, like, you know, in and out. He's bringing, uh, he's bringing some quality food in. And, and I'm really starting to think that, like, um, the more you work in a large group environment, the more you should just sort of treat everyone like dogs. Oh boy, you want to treat bad, bad. Like, that's really all Ed Orchran's doing.

Yeah, and not dogs like, you know, the traditional expression, you know, not like beating them and throwing them in the streets, but treating them like American street dogs, giving them food that's kind of bad for them and, you know, just having them run around whenever they feel like it and maybe beat Arizona by 40 points. Maybe that's what Ed Orchran's doing. He's in some sort of fugue state where he's just confused his players for actual dogs. He's like, man, you know, defensive tackle's getting a little fat. He's like, oh, that's okay.

He only going to live seven years anyway. He'll large breed. Lord breed dog. They don't live very long. He'm a good boy. You're a good boy. Ed just read the dog whispered, and he's like, be a strong alpha. Give trees.

That's it. It's actually working, which is the best thing ever. Because he dealt like Nick Saven probably has like 23 bound volumes of the human soul that he's compiled over his vast experiences as a head coach. And Ed Orgeron's just got, like, some really soft-ass dog training book up there. And they're both doing just fine. Another game of note on here that I think we should pay some attention to because we're heading, by the way, towards a possible Todd Gramalips. Todd Grammone. Todd Cullips. The Graman.

Yes, thank you. The Gramagetan. Graham again, we're heading toward it because you're looking at Todd Graham could win the Pac-12, could happen, could give the championship game, and then Todd Graham can win the Pac-12, and then you have Todd Graham in the Rose Bowl, the funniest of all scenarios to me because, you know, he'd face a Big Ten team and waste them, and then he'd probably become that big ten team's coach. well i like that you would have todd graham's family versus urban meyer's family both noted family men

assume they would uh go on a joint family dinner and lots of good family time i just want to watch them introduce their children and struggle for the names yeah Todd graham one of them one of them successfully names three kids and the other one just copies those names this is todd that sounds good this is todd junior here, Lisa, and, uh, and, uh, urban butter tray. Well, that's funny. This is Todd with the kids. They're just sitting there.

I hate you so much. Just glued to their phones. Text to them, like, bring the oxy over now. I'm not going to make it through dinner. Jesus. I, um, but that's, I'm, I'm just intrigued by that because it's an appalling scenario for the Big Ten. Because you know, by the way, there's a decorum if they get up on a Rose Bowl team.

Todd Graham's not going to pack it in. Oh, no. Third quarter, they're throwing deep. Up by 28. Yeah. He'll be bleaching his hair on the sideline while they do it, too. Like, yeah. I'm getting streaks.

Gacierry style. How about some donkey sauce for you there, huh? Minnesota, Big Ten Champions, Minnesota. I don't even know if that can happen. I believe they were ruled out a few weeks ago They were in it for an embarrassing while You know, that's a shame Because that's like one of the Big Ten teams

I would totally root for if they were The Big Ten's funnest team, most lovable team Sneakily talented team Iowa In addition to Iowa Are we talking about Iowa? I would like to point out, Spencer, you infamously said Iowa was going to win at eight games this season.

I did. They are off this week. They have two games left against Michigan at home and Nebraska on the road. And the most Iowa way to get to eight wins would be to beat those two fan bases right now. And they're going to do it. Yeah, I think they might. There's no way this isn't happening. They're like, they only threw for 18 years.

yards combined in those two games, but they won. Would it be possible to actually look at Iowa's record? I mean, we should do this at the end of the season. Don't pay too much attention to their box scores. I want to look through Iowa's record and just give me the passing yards, and I will tell you whether they won simply by not picking the scores where they actually passed. So it was like 32 yards.

I'm like they won by 28. Yeah, 196 yards. Oh, God, they didn't do well. That's way too many. That's what Kirk Farrants is like, shit, 200 passing yards. That's a death knell for us. We threw it 18 times. God, what is this, the air raid?

That's, although if it were Greg Davis, you're like, oh, we threw it 64 times for 73 yards. I'm looking at it right now, and you actually can play this game, absolutely. Yeah, wait, let's play it right now. Okay. So I'm not going to go in order because that'll give it away. I'm going to skip around. Okay. Passing line number one. 15 of 25 for 218 yards. Lost. Lost. That was a win over Minnesota. That was a win. I don't even know you anymore. Okay. Let's go with 26 of 46 for 200. Loss, oh, that's a loss. Yeah, that was the loss to Michigan State.

Lastly, let's go with 14 of 23 for 160 yards. Hmm. I'm not going to go. I think that's a win as well. Yeah, yeah, that was a six-point win over Iowa State. No, that's optimal. Like, hmm, beautiful. Just barely above 50%.

Yeah. Averaging about, what, 6.2 yards? Six yards a catch? Yeah, that's about. That's some Kirk Farrant's ball right there because you got to convert third and six because you ran on the first two downs. You got to leave a little for the Lord. The corn lord.

The corn lord. The corn lord who is a giant piece of corn. Or his and Kirk Farrant's agent and a damn good one at that. Because Kirk Farrant still likes way more money than he should. Oh, hey, look, Ryan, Florida plays South Carolina. Why are we talking about this? Look at that. Look at that.

Yeah. It's going to be fun. It's going to be sporting. I have heard some talk that Tyler Murphy might not even be healthy enough to play. Oh, he's not. No, no, no. There's no way he's going to flitch. So we're going with Morton Wags, kid.

Is that right? We. Skylar. Good. Good. So, yeah. So if you live in the northeastern corridor, if you are a lonely child who would like to play quarterback

and if you are immune to internet criticism from people named Bruce who work at a golf course but don't own the golf course come play quarterback for Florida because that's what we have. Sounds like a deal. Why don't you guys try it? Hey, if it's so easy, why don't you do it?

Again, my favorite, I really hope someday I get the opportunity to watch a person pulled from the stands and put under center. No, but you realize, given, you went to Florida, you know that there's some frat dude, some pike probably, who is going to get drunk and bang on the athletic department doors and be like, let me play. I'll fucking chuck that shit. I would. And oh my God, I so want to see it.

It would be amazing. There was another game on the schedule here, by the way, that we should take a brief note of. Jason Kirk. Oh, yes, I was going, UCF Temple. No, a little ACC matchup with Jason Kirk's favorite nincompoop. Dabo Swinney, Georgia Tech, at Clemson. My beloved Davoswini. Beloved.

Every single year, this game's on a Thursday night. It's not really clear whether these teams hate each other or if they just have to play each other. But they're coaches. I kind of see the situation where Dabo, you know, he sort of wants to hang out with Paul Johnson. Like he's the one coach who doesn't get that Grandpa doesn't want anybody around. Hey, buddy, how you doing, feel a little down? Love is a lie. Let me sing you a Dabo song.

I'm going to go hunting. What are you hunting? Nothing. Yeah, both. That's it. Killing feelings. What are you here to do, Grandpa? Great.

That's it. What is Clemson playing for at this point? Doesn't it sort of just not matter for the rest of the year? They're pretty much a lot to go to the Orange Bowl, no matter what they do. so might as well rest up for that I guess I guess you know like Taj Boyd probably you know football's a good way to stay in shape right oh man I'm I'm really worried about Todd's boy showing up to the combine like oh he like well Taj you said you said to order you large and be like I know but you need to get me the extra large I look for I can't feel my arms

you need to give me the extra large just talk Todd Boyd, and at this point, we're going to need to just see you in your compression short. Do what? I prefer to think of Todd Boyd's body type as classic. He just looks like a quarterback from the 70s. Right before they did all the sprinting. When quarterbacks got fit by basically like... Quarterbacks got fit by going to the Orange Julius in the mall.

You know, like, what are you doing? I got some sunflower seeds. I'm going to Orange Julius. I've got this little springy thing from my chest. What if he does this whole combine work out in a garbage bag? I love it. Or if he did it in some sort of absurd weight loss suit that you can buy, right? Like the solar paneled one, right?

Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. I'm trying to make weight for states. I don't want to run. He runs his 40 in shapeups. The best part is if Tosh Boyd went in and, like, he's already a step ahead. And if he's gone in and got, listen, I need you to make me as fat and fast as possible. Like, what?

He's like, no, man, I'm reclaiming the male form. Here's what I need you to do. We're going to train me to be as fast for 40 yards as possible. And if I run 41, I'll explode. But I need to be as huge as possible. And they're like, yeah, dude, he weighed 340, but he ran like a 4.6. He moved. That's amazing.

He's like the ablest, Jabarcus. It's amazing. The thing is, you know, I think we all like Taj Boyd, clearly a good football player, good at what he does, going to be successful.

But he's a little bit husky. And I think we all really enjoy that about him. That's absolutely part of why I like him. I know. The phrase is, the phrase is tends to bloat. You know, some of us,

Some of us have eight beers in a night, and, you know, you still look like Brad Pitt, all right? Yes, we all have that problem here. That's like three of us. I need thick role models. Yeah, exactly. I need thick role models because I have two beers in a night, and I instantly look like Rayne Wilson with a kidney disease. So when we see Taj doing it, we sort of think, that could be me. Yeah, if only I was 800 times as good an athlete.

and understood more than, like, three things about football. That could be me. That could be all of us, man. Todd's boys out there working for the common man who can run up four, six, and throw a ball like 900 miles. He really should learn how to play the guitar. At least an album. Working man songs.

Working man songs about, you know, pants that don't fit anymore, right? But getting mad that your wife washed him on the high cycle. because they don't quite fit. It's not a sexist statement. My wife just happens to do the laundry and I do the dishes, okay? It's a modern division of labor.

Plus, I destroy clothing. Anything else on the schedule that catches your eye? Hmm. I guess Washington, UCLA, oh, man, no. Kicks off it. Damn, nine o'clock on a Friday. Yeah. That feels like the game I'll ignore

and then wake up and be like, damn, UCLA, I lost my 30. That's crazy. This does feel like UCLA just completely coming off the rails, doesn't it? Yeah. Both these teams are capable of a rail offening. This is when they do it, though. You know, because they just pulled up the weird-ass Miles Jack game,

where they took a linebacker and he ran for 120 yards on like six carries. Yeah, I could see either of these teams. losing by 30. You know what game this is. This is the game where Brett Hunley gets her, not seriously, but has to leave the game. We get three and a half quarters of Jerry Neuheisel.

That could happen. And you know what? His dad'll call him and be like, Jerry, I love you, but I need you to throw this one for me. Or they just paned to the stands and it's New Heisel with his nylon string guitar in the stands, playing a

born full tune, remembering when he was but a babe in his arms. Jerry, I got Washington straight up. I needed you to throw this one for me, right? We're going to lose the house. He still lives in a sad. Exactly. Although, I will say this, he named him Jerry, which, that's kind of weird. Nobody's named Jerry anymore.

There's like him and Jerry kill, and that's it. well you know Rick's a funny guy yeah you know you know names like what it would be like Jerry and

his other son Dick and Leslie Morty Newheisel yeah Morty Newheye 40 most of the other

other sort of 60s names we can give him Artie Ardy this here is monk his his three sons

are actually named Jerry Jack and Joe wow yeah the pep boys or Jerry's the one who looks like the Pringles guy because he's the salty one because he's the salty one