Shutdown Fullcast - Shutdown Mailbox: Animal Style

Episode Date: February 1, 2023

We review your hastily requested emails ([e-mail]) and your well-aged voicemails (704-SOL-CAST), including the following very important topics: Is Air Bud legally a person? How long could one live in a Waffle House without ejection? Which wild animal is Spencer confident he could bond with? Which animal is Spencer going to eat this year? Is it the same species as the previous topic? What is the half-life of Matt Rhule? Zoo heist: discuss? Which Fullcast member would be the best grandma? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I don't know. Welcome to the shutdown fullcast. You are listening to the Internet's only college football podcast. I am Spencer Hall. I am joined as always by my co-hosts Ryan Nanny, Jason Kirk, Hello. Holly Anderson, and on the ones and two's Michael Serber. This is a very to the point episode.

Sometimes you ask questions and sometimes we answer. You can email. You can leave a voicemail. server have you ever used turntables those are the things you go through to get on the train that's correct yes and you can make music with him he'd be an amazing DJ only in my dreams

stop he'd do my thing where he would he would by request play only one line from a song over and over again my latest that stuck in my head the fat man scoop special well the the taking them off the shelf right where you just play one line line. My latest being, I'm going to fight them all from Seven Nation Army. Just play that for seven minutes straight. Well, the best was whoever on Twitter suggested that Billy Joel

should play the halftime show and he should play up-down girl, but he should just say halftime show over and over again. Yes. I apologize for not citing whoever came up with it, but that's the best idea I've ever heard. Especially if you don't tell anyone and everyone's like, oh shit, it's the Rihanna halftime show, and here's Billy Joel just bellowing halftime show over and over again. Rihanna featuring Billy Joel. That's right. But she just throws to him, and he does

all the work. That's right. She's like, I'm a billionaire. I don't have to do this shit anymore. She's not even there. She just appears remotely as a hologram. And here's Billy Joel to do the show. Rihanna showing up for the Super Bowl halftime via Zoom would be, or FaceTime. That would be like holding her

up on the phone, right? Mm-hmm. Well, Billy Joel eats actual uts chips on stage while he's singing a halftime show we are going to go through listener submitted questions both of the written and the audio category

Ryan let's get straight to it let's not hesitate okay so a few things I realize maybe it's rude of us to only give people two hours to submit questions but again Jason made it very clear if you submitted after the two hour window we did not

read your email we do not know what you said maybe it was the best question ever it will never ever pop in our heads unless you submit it the next time because to be clear this does not mean our email inbox is your personal secret treasure chest do not send us information

just knowing that no one will read it because I know you are already thinking that's a good point too think yeah that does not go for the voicemail box, but only because you're all already using it that way. Do not send your social security number and routing number and checking account number to the full cast email. Don't. Don't do it. Whatever. Whatever. Oh, no. Not that. Yeah, that's it. If you send it outside of established business hours, which are already over, then you must include your financial information. That is correct. Yes. So we got a lot of

these if yours isn't in here we still love you it's just we didn't pick your question it's cool or you were weird and you weirded us out all right all right i'm going to start with holly what holly the question that you were that you claimed one of the questions that you claimed and i left these all anonymous going about your normal day how many owls would you need to see before you thought something was wrong because of first of all if you can hear the full first of all if you could hear the second you asked that question every animal in this house went shit crazy for reasons i can't currently determine owl based probably no like it started with the full cat good huh my answer is probably more than is safe i have a really high owl bar after the house that

i lived in before i moved to my current place because there was an enormous tulip poplar that was like a May Queen-sized tulip poplar that was actually in my neighbor's backyard but it kind of towered over the fence and it contained it contained what sounded like six to eight dozen owls at any one given time

but here's the best part they weren't all the same kind of owl like there were there were the owls that sounded like the cartoon owls on a television show like you'd hear like who hoo hoo It was like an owl freshman dorm. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But then there was, and I've never figured out what this other one was. I know that we have multiple ornithologists in the full cast community, so please weigh in on this and tell me what the hell was in my backyard. There was one, there was one owl in there. And Spencer, I know you can attest to this because you've heard it, that just sounded like a grown man saying hoot, hoot, hoot. Yeah, like he'd just smoked a cigarette. like hoot

hoot it sounded like and for the first for the first like few months I lived there I thought it was like you know

neighbor gets drunk and or high and wants to talk to the owls this sounds like somebody I want to be personally friends with but no it's a bird that just sounds like it's going

hoot how did you confirm that it's a bird well we went outside multiple times to see if this was in fact some kind of like tape recording that someone had set up or I don't know what other strategies you use to deter

like bats and whatnot. I think it was suggested at one point that maybe someone was trying some elaborate pest deterrent scheme by faking an owl terribly. But no, I've heard this standing directly beneath the tree and just staring up into it. It's a bird or it's a very, very spry old man. Is it possible it's a bird with a human face type of God, I hope so. Do you have the annihilation bearer of owls? It would explain a lot if it's also a falcons fan. Or, I mean, we assume, based on the films, that all predators do when they come to Earth is hunt humans.

But, like, some predators have to be like, I like to go to Earth to put my cloak and device on and just pretend to be birds. And just survive. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I'm not here to collect spines and skulls. goals I'm just here I was here to goof that's right it could be a situation where this this alien creature came down a few thousand years ago and it's like everyone is scared of owls why and then they just live among owls and it's like they're they just sit there there and they fly it's

kind of quiet and that's creepy but they just they just sit there so yeah it's pretty good so what is so the answer to how many owls I'd have to see in a day before I thought was something was wrong was probably enough owls to make it too late for me for whatever it was supposed to be saving from because I've got a I've got a high owl tolerance just personally I want to tweak this question slightly okay how does the answer change if you are in let's say Washington D.C. at lunchtime how many owls do you have to see having lunch in Washington to the owls themselves are having lunch correct for it to be too many owls the owls are at the shake check I would vacate the area immediately, but I would do so with a glad heart and hope for success at whatever the owls

were up to next. I would warn no one. Finally, America's third party rises. It's daytime owls. I'm walking right in there and just hanging. If I see any of the warnings typically present in a video game indicating that somebody is about to completely destroy an area and I'm in deep. and like, you know, is it...

Oh, you'd be, in an Independence Day, you'd be on top of the Capitol Records Tower being like, yeah, fuck me up, aliens. In any other city, in D.C., I'm going to be like, I'm going to watch this over there. I'm just going to go over there. Watch this all happen. Okay.

Oh, man, let's speak about, though. Thank you for whoever came up with that question. This owl just kept bragging about how he went to Brown. Very boring owl. There is, I forgot, there is a, uh, there is a neighborhood barred owl. That's B-A-R-R-E-D owl, where my new house is. I was hoping it was B-A-R-D, and it was like an owl with a...

BART! No, that's the natural rival of the owl that went to Brown. Yeah. Gotcha. Is that kind of BART owl. Okay. Cool. Great.

It's the only owl that actually attacks people. I know. That's why I'm so excited. Why does it attack people? I mean, we've earned it. Because. Okay. I don't...

That's fair. I would... I don't believe that the owl needs a reason. scoreboard um jason i'm going to give you the next question which number is higher matt rules wins as nebraska head coach next season or the number of seasons he will end up coaching there in total so um this is not the easiest schedule next year for the huskers uh they have to start off with a trip to minnesota um and you know as we've seen minnesota can be really good they can also be really bad. Going to Colorado. This time last year, that was an instant, easy, automatic

dub. Colorado going forward is one of the biggest question marks in the country just in terms of the roster turnover. And in fact, because of them in Arizona State, in particular, I have completely abandoned all pretense of, like, evaluating team off-seasons by, like, how good are the players coming in? Where is their recruiting class ranked? You know, this quarterback has he thrown passes before all that no uh we're going to we're going to we're going to two four seven to the combined transfer plus recruiting roster turnover rankings just looking at who had the biggest number of guys coming in guys is of course not gender specific all football players are guys um Colorado is bringing in more than 40 guys Nebraska is bringing in 38 guys so

in that game we're going to see who brought in the most guys the team that one must be the one that did. So we have Nebraska at O and 2 is what I'm saying. I'm giving them NIU and Lotech, Michigan, at Illinois. No, Northwestern at home. We're up to three. Purdue and Maryland, let's say you get one of those. You lose the rest.

All right, four. We're going to set you at four and a half for the over-under for year one. You brought in a lot of guys, but not enough. Matt rules staying somewhere more than four years? I think that's aggressive. Has that happened at any stop? at any stretch? I'm looking now.

I'm only aware of him, like, back to Temple. Temple is three. Buffalo D-Line Coach Stint was four. Baylor's three. Yeah, it's, it, this is a guy who likes to move around so much. He didn't have to work this year, and he did just so he could move somewhere. I'm going to say the win total this year is higher than his total number of years. And I love that this is like, check back in 2027 to see if this cashed.

This is also a really helpful potential unit of measurement. We had another reader write in to ask if we thought that Hugh Freeze would last longer than one harsen. And I like the notion of developing a system of measurement just based on these guys. Okay. Very helpful. Holly, should we do voicemail? Yeah, actually, there's a great related voicemail to the subject that we just. touched upon vamping, vamping, vamping,

because I'm trying to remember where it was. What were we just talking about? Matt Ruhl. By the way, Matt Ruhl, something deeply wrong with him, and I mean that as kind of a compliment because the only place he chose to stay for longer than three years was Philadelphia. He went back, like he did multiple stints.

He's been in Philly for like eight years. Yeah. He was like, yeah, this fucking sucks. Life is shit. I can't wait. get more of it. It's great. I'm going back.

Go back. First chance they get. Ryan, I wanted to throw this one to you from Alex from Georgia, 4-2-3. Hey there, full cast. This is Alex from Georgia. And I had my non-football watching wife posed a question, I think, is in the noble spirit of the Ference administration of Iowa football. What's the highest score a team has gotten and won.

a game without ever scoring a touchdown. Be all doing well. Hailrah. Praise me to Antioch. This is a great question. Ryan, can you first tell our readers the answer that you thought initially was correct? Because I think it's funnier. Okay.

So whenever I have a, whenever I wonder something like this, I go to sportsreference.com. They are, and this is no fault of their own, much better at answering these questions for pro basketball, baseball, and pro football. They just have more accumulated data. So first limitation, the answer I can give you only goes from the year 2000 until now. When I put in the search, which is basically like give me every game in which a team did not score a touchdown of any sort and sort them by points scored, the answer appeared to be the 2021 Missouri, Missouri, over Florida win, which was a 2423 win for Missouri. Now, I think the database got a little confused here because while this game went to overtime,

16-16, with even that, actually, I'm looking at it's wrong. I don't know why it said there were no touchdowns here. There were some. There were not many. It would have been funny, I agree, if this was the answer. But that doesn't appear to be the right one. The right one appears to be a tie. I'll give you the least funny answer first and then the more funny answer.

The least funny is an Oregon State Washington game from 2005, where Oregon State beat Washington 18 to 10. They did that with, as you can probably guess, six field goals. Pretty standard stuff. And like, in the course of this, it was like they jumped out to a 12-0 lead, and Washington didn't get the touchdown. until there was less than a minute left. So in a weird way, it was like, yeah, that was fine.

The better answer, or at least the more forecast answer, is a game from 2016, where Auburn beat LSU by the score of 18 to 3. That is better. And that includes Auburn scoring, again, six field goals. Looking at it quickly, four of these come from inside 32 yards, so they're basically extremely fucked up red zone possessions um and uh and yeah it's just it's just pretty perfect here this was a game that went into the fourth quarter with lSU leading 13 12 and then omer and kicked two field goals and that was that the NFL answer is so predictable and

disturbing by the way oh i think i looked this up but but remind me what it is the Vikings had 23 points versus the Rams on November 5th, 1989. They had 23 points. So how many safeties is that? That's the thing. There's got to be a safety in there because you can't get there by threes, right? Sure. Yeah, yeah.

Yep, safety, say Minnesota, Minnesota, by the way, in OT, the game winning safety against the Giants or against the Rams, Mike, Mike Meriwether pulled in the game. game-winning safety for a 23-21 win. There was an NFL game that ended on a safety in overtime? Uh-huh. And it was already this fucked up. Like, I think this is the clearest answer why NFL overtime is better than college overtime.

College overtime, like, just, it's extreme, it could happen. It's extremely unlikely that the game would ever end on a safety, but the NFL has done it. And if college football used NFL overtime, we would see this conservatively. once every two seasons. Once a week or so. Yeah, we got to make the overtime safety happen. It can happen, but it's going to take some doing. It would require that, what was it, that Mississippi State game

where they ended up with, like, third and goal from the four, from their own four. I feel like James Franklin has got this in him. The Mississippi State LaTec game, the 87-yard negative fumble. So you need that. And then more things to go over. Yes, and then you need to be even worse. Mississippi State is on my list of

programs that have this in them like if i shake mississippi state long enough the the like game losing safety is somewhere in their body right just shake it till it falls out you're probably right you're probably right um all right spencer i'm going to give one to you i am not surprised that you signed up for this one of the 12 signs of the chinese zodiac which i'll let you list as you go through them how many have you eaten? Okay, so the Chinese zodiac will go in order rat. I have not eaten rat.

In an upstep, I know. I have not eaten rat. I want to be clear. As poorly as I think of you on this podcast sometimes, I've never thought you've eaten a rat. You know, I'm going to take that as a compliment. Thank you. You should. He says contemplatively that he's going to take this as a compliment.

he had to think about it now ox this one's tricky because an ox is technically cattle you know used as as draft animals so no i've never eaten oxen draft kings in the animal kingdom that's right a risk-free bet becoming a draft animal because they probably won't eat you less times get hard so uh while i have come close to eating oxen and would like happily, I have never eaten ox. Tiger, never been offered would not, this bad. I'm not going to do it. It's an endangered animal. I was going to say it for conservation reasons. Okay.

For conservation reasons. If somebody said to you, this is lab-grown tiger meat, it did not impact the ecological footprint of tigers, would you eat it then? Yeah, I would. Okay. I would. Yeah, that's right, Betty. That's right.

That's right. I would absolutely. Same something for Betty. I would absolutely eat some tiger. By the way, initial field reports from people who have consumed tiger that I know, which is one person, a particularly crazy uncle. And Betty. Well, there used to be.

She had a life before she came to us. Good old Uncle Betty. Just eating a tiger. It's delicious. The reports aren't positive. The reports aren't positive. Cats don't taste really good. So I wouldn't exactly be.

They're too nervous. They are. They're nervous animals. They're restless. The salad portion of the diet. You're not going to get that delicious grass-fed taste out of them because tigers have just been eating, especially people, right? People, that's an unclean food. You don't want to want to get the man.

People have hooves. That's right. Yeah. People have clove and hooves. Rabbit repeatedly would do again. If you have one right now, I will eat it. They're delicious. Dragon.

We have a theoretical problem here. but what's that what what's yeah uh elaborate yeah because because you know we're talking about an imaginary meat huh i would for the record dragon denier spencer hall for the record i was recently talking with a friend about um she had visited the national leprechaun museum in ireland and i was asking her about it and my wife asked like what's the deal with the pot of gold thing and the friend says oh that part's a myth that's that part that clears up a lot hmm i have a comment and a question what about comodo dragon oh yeah i would but you have not but i have not yeah i have not and i have not eaten um a large enough lizard to where i figure

i can even get into a comparable dragon i want to back up just slightly what are the small lizards that you've eaten what's the biggest lizard you've eaten uh in iguana like the whole thing and iguana not just son no i'm not taking down a whole thing like i's like on the tail why would you say that like that's the part that's unreasonable have you eaten a lizard before of any size folks i hope you don't think we're getting past this question in the mailbag this is the rest of the show yeah what do you mean yeah you said what you why did you say that as if most people have Well, why wouldn't you?

It's if it's on the menu? I've never thought about it until right now. Come on. Nope. It's never been on the menu for me. Yes, I would agree with that. Yeah. Your cook is different than mine.

Spencer, once again, tell us. It's a follower and it's a side. Once again, this man will not eat cheesy bread. It's disgusting, lizard. I'll say lizards mid. Can we talk you into a cheesy lizard? Absolutely not. Lizard Poblano.

Yeah. If you go at the right time of year, they got, they got peach lizard. A chel lizard rea-no. Follow-up question and next category. Spencer, have you eaten snake? Yes. Snake's fine. Okay.

Oh, everybody's eating snake. Snake is actually a pretty good snack. Okay. Yeah. Snake snack. Yeah. Abundant. Not endangered in most cases.

This next one is really a, have you been to Canada one? Have you? No, and I have a horse and I have not eaten a horse. I would happily eat horse. That would be fine. happily? Why happily? Because, you know. No, I don't. That's why I'm asking. I'll get you out of this one. Because you're a Mongol. There you go.

There you go. There we're protein. Yeah. It was good enough for Genghis. It's good enough for me. It's a good enough for Genghis and it's good enough for Genghis and it's good enough for me. I love horses, but you know, I would also eat one. Sorry, I'm going to be over here making Methodist youth camp of Mongols. songs for the rest of the show if anybody needs me. Holly, remind me later to text you about the musical I'm going to write in unemployment, so. Okay, cool.

Unemployment, does something happen? No, it's fine. Goat. Yes, would. Right now, delicious, awesome. Goal's good. Have you eaten it? Yes.

Okay. Repeatedly. Okay. It's delicious. Makes a fine taco. Monkey, no, and I would not. It just doesn't seem clean or delicious or pleasant. Yeah.

not exactly the most appetizing things that you would never apply to goat um rooster yes dog i've had the opportunity to eat dog and i declined because i can't eat a dog um don't ask me for any intellectual consistency between these two pig of course would eat right now so so what are we looking at so that puts our that puts our total at uh a paltry one two three four five i've eaten five of the 12 signs of the chinese zodiac spencer what about ox tail oh yeah six so i look that up i figured yeah that that that can't i think that can't can count although most ox tail isn't isn't from an ox yeah it's original right but six so i'm you know i'm batting 500 here What is the one you can add this year?

The one that I think I can add. Horse? Horse. Let's do it. Let's do it. Spencer's going to take down a horse. Not in the way that any of us predicted. Let me, you know what?

In the look, and I'm going to have. What are you looking up? I am going somewhere this year where horse meat is served. Good. All right. A Sooner's port. El Paso, Texas. Okay.

Great. Thank you. Thank you for your service. I'm going to take one. Is that what happens to the Sooner Schooner ponies that tip over? Yes. Okay. Yep.

Fair enough. I'm going to take one real quick. Does Inspector Gadget have to say Go Go Gadget penis when he goes to have sex? Why did you leave you anonymous again? Because I submitted that one. Okay. The answer is no. Because he doesn't say go-go-gadgett hands.

To have hands, he would say go-go-gadgett erection. That's what he would say. Voice mail time. Let's go to, let's see, let's kill another 25 minutes. Can we play 317 Matt from Indianapolis? Hey, full cast. We're just curious. I'm playing 20 questions in the car with my wife.

and he wanted to try to get me to get AirBud. And you know how you usually start off with, is it a person, play a saying idea, whatever. She went with person, but not saying. I just want to know how you guys feel about that. Thanks. Ryan, as a legal scholar, I was hoping this would, I was hoping you could provide some clarity on this issue.

So I guess the question is this. if Airbud commits a crime while playing basketball, I want to emphasize, while playing basketball, would Airbud be charged with that crime? Depending on your answer, if you say yes, he's, he's, by choosing to undertake human activity, he becomes subject to man's law, then for the purposes of the question of this 20 questions, yes, Air Bud is a human. If you think the answer is no, despite playing basketball because there is no rule against it, he would not be charged with a crime because he's a dog. Then the answer is no. He should have been a thing. Oh, okay. What, how do you take into account if we are going to call him a person?

Yeah. How do we take into account his age? Is he being charged as a juvenile? Oh, sure. Or are we taking into account dog years? Dog years. Which I believe is 6.87. Yeah.

The answer is dog ears. And so under almost any circumstance, he would, there is, there are very few circumstances where this dog would not be charged with any crime. The question is charged as a juvenile or not. And, yeah, I mean, I think this one solves itself. The other thing is like, so the air buddies are not people. The air buddies are not people. Legally not people.

The air buds are. But again, only when they're doing basketball, they're sort of. day walkers of humans. Sure. I think the hardest part in any criminal case for an airbud is the part where you have to tell them they're a bad dog. A very bad dog in court.

No, no. No, it's actually on the prosecution to prove that you're a very bad dog. The presumption of innocence applies to the good dog. Objection. Boo the prosecutor the entire time. How dare you? How dare you

to smirch my client's character like this? So jury box in the entire courtroom just turns to stare woundedly at the lawyer trying to make. The assistant DA is like, you fucked up, man. I should have gone to business school. That's character evidence, and it can only be used in very specific circumstances. And I would expect a lawyer like you, Spencer Hall, to know better than that. So Buddy the Dog was, according to Wikipedia, which has never lied to me, Nope.

Eight years old at the time of the film's release, so let's guess six or seven during filming. That is well into the age of legal personhood. Yeah. Yeah. This is any of us committing a basketball crime. What would be, hmm? The answer is Spencer playing basketball. What's the most surprising crime to commit during basketball?

Male fraud? medical fraud no I guess that that actually has too much place yeah um any financial fraud's gonna be difficult you know okay racketeer or anything okay yeah hacking hacking would probably be arson is the most surprising I was yeah no I got there at the same time you do I think surprising in terms of like it happened whoa I'm shocked but like you know it seems a lot logistically not difficult and and NBA Jam did prepare us for this Yeah, yeah, yeah. Setting the ball on fire and throwing it, there are far more difficult things to do on a basketball.

That's true. You know, murder is a rude one because that's a technical foul. I don't see any way you're not getting, you know, a T. Yeah, there's already a rule against that one. Voter fraud would be hard. But I guess sometimes there are, you do go vote in like a high school gym. But that can only happen once every few years. Kidnapping would be.

It really narrows your window. I would argue in certain circumstances. a jump ball is kidnapping. A brief moment of kidnapping. You were going up for the ball. I grabbed it from you and didn't take the ball from you. I held you via the ball, and I briefly kidnapped you.

Stephen Adams did pick up a grown man. That was kidnapping. Yes. So, yeah, confinement, kidnapping. Definitely part of it. All right. Thank you for lending your thoughts to this. it's what my law degree is for.

Spencer, back to you briefly. Is Tampa just Memphis by the sea or is Memphis inland Tampa? There's no relationship between these two cities. They share nothing in common. I'm appalled by the inaccuracy

of this question. Nothing. Okay, they're both next to water. If I asked you as a willing and able improv partner to draw any connections between Tampa and Memphis,

what would draw me? I've seen. I did two problems. I will draw, I will draw a contrast between the two. I wish we wouldn't see the face hauling me as I said that sense. I'm so glad I wasn't taking a sip of a drink at that very moment. This fundamentally misunderstands the notion of Tampa as a place without event, memory, or history.

You can do anything in Tampa and it does not matter. You do not end up in Tampa to do something. You'd end up in Tampa to amnesiac yourself out of existence, all right? Tampa is not coastal Memphis, all right? the two share zero DNA whatsoever, okay? Tampa is Dayton by the beach. That's what Tampa is, okay? Tampa...

Dayton has interesting sports things that happened. Tampa has produced nothing anyone will ever remember, and that's by design. Dave Batista, sir. Does anyone remember? It's produced Ryan. No, it's Dave Batista. And the dreaded Todd.

Gary Spivey is actually the most culturally significant person to come from Tampa. Also, QVC is based in Tampa, so you're erasing large swaths of American culture, you monster. That erases itself every single day. Do you think QVC's ever like, let's run this one back? No, new deal. Clip show, QVC Clip Show. They never do that. They're like, look, a whole new slate of nothing. Floyd, can you register QVC Clipshow.Biz for us real quick. Thanks, buddy. Yeah, just a vast, just a vast cake sheet of nothing. That's what Tampa's meant to be. forever. It's produced nothing that anyone will remember, and that's the way it should be. Memphis, meanwhile, for ill and for good, is very memorable, all right? It has its own thing.

I can't state that anything like that is true to the city of Tampa. Oh, God. It's back. Gasparilla bowl.com has a new song. Wait, what? I've just discovered. Yes, somebody emailed about that, I believe. listen to that no no yeah no this is a miss you'll notice you'll know it's got it's got words yeah it didn't need it's it's just got some it's just got some quarterly sales meeting imagine dragon's anthem over it now the video it included stuff like guys signing paperwork and stuff like

that it was it was like oh business jock jam business pump i have a i have a voicemail i have a voicemail leading directly out of this one while you look that up no no it's here i'm gonna i'm gonna read this one allowed actually to preserve the uh anonymity of the poster okay so i used to work at the new sponsor for the outback bowl and here's what you need to know about rely a quest this is from matt in 801 if you don't have a giant room of computer people and computers and a big full wall map of cybersecurity threats around the world like you see in the movies or need someone who does it don't worry about it what you do need to know though is that rely a quest is extremely Tampa earlier this year they had their big company-wide conference and they held it at the

arena where the Tampa Bay lightning play we sat on the ice with just a thin sheet over for three days in this conference so they did it on the ice yes So you Ryan's face. No, it's Ryan's turn for a face. Apparently they just put one of those ballroom floors down over the ice. So you ended up having to dress

for the weather outside and then change for the hockey arena atmosphere inside the same conference. They also brought in Inkey Johnson of Tennessee fame as a motivational speaker, which is actually really cool. Then they brought in Flo Rida for an employee's only concert

that included the four real CEO getting on stage and spraying his employees with champagne and then everyone had to come back to work the next day. It should be noted, Flo Rida is probably the only person who A is not going to go to prison and B will get very rich because of crypto. Oh, dang. You're right. Because he is, I'm trying to find it. While you're looking for that, thank you also to the multiple readers who wrote in to tell us that we predicted the collapse of FTCS. We forgot about that, but that does sound like something that we would do. Okay.

This is from but a few weeks ago. And who are we going to think for this? I don't know. It doesn't matter. Some website. Yeah. Flo Rida just won an $82 million judgment from something called Celsius Holdings. Oh, wait.

This is an energy drink? Never mind. Celsius Holdings super sounded like crypto. I feel duped. That's on them. Never mind. Flow right up still could go to jail for crypto, I guess. You live in an imperfect world.

If he goes to Tampa, the police will simply lose track of him because they're like, what are we doing? This is the place of no memory. We came here for something, and now we've forgotten. I would like to walk into a grocery store once and hear wafting over the speakers. walking in Tampa like not walking in Memphis just the Tampa version of that show Who would sing walking in Tampa

Dave Batista Yeah I was walking in Tampa Walking in Tampa Walking around There's no sidewalk Except what There's one very long sidewalk And that's it

They put all the sidewalks in one place Fair question though When in Tampa Do I really feel the way I feel? No No Hardly ever. Yeah, that's my favorite part.

They're like, you know, Tampa wins things. Books won a Super Bowl. Like, yeah, where are you going to celebrate? A boat? There's nowhere on land. I got norovirus. Yeah, that's what I did. Jason, how long do you think someone could live in a waffle house before being asked to leave?

So if this question is about how long, like, could you do it without intentionally altering your approach? you're going to be able to put some time on it as long as you're not obnoxious you've got to figure shift changes are to your favor you know the cook is just going to leave the next one coming in is not going to think anything of someone sitting there and being there for a while as long as they're not busy you can rack up some hours like people do just plop there to a point where like you know the the server just thinks like they're they're done on coffee i'm not taking them anymore they just sit there that's what they do that's highly possible If we're talking about number of days, then I think as long as you don't smell bad and you are not sleeping in a booth by yourself, I think you can get away with it. As long as you have friends coming in and they eat their meals sitting next to you while you sleep and then they leave, if you can pull that off, I think you can sit there for all time. That's a really good, I hadn't thought about that strategy because I thought I was going to say, like, how often do you have to reorder? but I agree as long as like you are part of a party that is conducting some relatively active commerce this could be endless well yeah and also like you know um there's also the sense of like if the booth isn't needed if you don't move I don't have to clean it so stay there you've saved me work

at what point do you think that someone would notice like what is the maximum amount of time you could stay in a waffle house before let's say an employee was like hey wait a second the next uh when that when that shift comes back for the next day you think so i think there i think there are situations probably a lot of them where you can go beyond that yeah they'll just think like oh that's a person who sits a long time they happen to sit for my entire shift yesterday now they're doing it again people yeah i don't necessarily think it's i think it's highly variable from employee to employee too i think what you could run into though is if someone works a double they're gonna notice you sat there for 16 straight hours yeah not to the point of oh that's weird they're just

going to notice it because five other people in there did the same thing they're going to know if you're one of them and by the end of that by the end of it they just want to be done with the double they don't really give a shit they're there right what you're not charging your rent for that seat they don't give a fuck they're i'm never coming back to this dump again they'll be back because it's their job but that's what you say on the way out could you last longer living in your car

in the Waffle House parking lot before somebody said something or living in the Waffle House I think the car is easier to notice right because like sitting in the booth it's like oh that's that's some you're part of the landscape in the booth

the car is very identifiable right and I think in a Waffle House parking lot particularly people who notice vehicles and talk about vehicles plus if you're in the booth because of how a Waffle House is set up, they've got eyes on you.

Nobody's like, hey, what's that dude up to? Right, everyone knows what you're up to. If you're in there, your car in the parking lot for 10 hours, they're like, what the fuck's going? Like, I can't tell what's going on here, and that makes me uncomfortable. I think you're really, really onto something there. I think that is the point where the manager,

maybe the cook who's most into conspiracy theories starts whispering about you, one of the servers who's lost a fight earlier that day and is looking to even up on the day and starts going out there. Drunk customer who just doesn't have sense of boundaries at this point anymore? Yeah, like a few like 19-year-old guys

just looking to have an adventure and mess with your car or whatever. How long can you stay drunk at a waffle house though? Well, if you have friends visiting. Okay, okay. Right, yeah, they're passing new stuff. As long as you're... You can come in hellah drunk,

but Waffle House is designed to soak that shit up. Yeah, you're going to need to fortify against that effect. And as long as I think you're giving the staff a taste, then they'll look the other way. Do you think, who would crack first? You or Waffle House? Oh, you. Personally, or the person trying to pull this off?

Let's say you personally, yeah. I'm not going to outlast. Eventually, they'll notice. And you know what it'll give me nicknames and shit? And they'll, like, you know, they'll develop a. a, like, a personality that they'll define me as. They might ask you to start, they might give you, they start giving you jobs. There's that.

It's like, it'll become such a social relationship that they'll know a lot of stuff about me. And I'm like, oh, no, this is, I'm in too deep. I got to get out of here. I think that's the real challenge of this question is that I suspect Waffle House is like, try it. We'll crack your head open like an egg mentally. Actually, so I think the most important factor here is like a person who just like really likes small talk with strangers and just is delighted to talk to a stranger for seven straight hours about like the like list of jobs they've had and like basic biographic details.

If you can do that, I think you could say there forever. Charles Barkley could live in a waffle house for seven years. Charles Barkley. Seven years. Yeah. Just Barkley it and and bringing people whenever you need a nap. Barkley would eventually run into a problem where they're like, you've got to stop. stop organizing high-stake black jacks games you've got to stop why what makes you think any

waffle house would ever say that ryan all right you're right you know how sad they would be when charles barclay left that's true three years he'd get standing ovation on the way he probably does an influential member of the waffle house family would come personally to award him for his lengthy stay someone would be like damn these term limits he should have been allowed to stay at waffle house Ryan, you mentioned yesterday that you were at an unconventional Waffle House layout, and I can't picture this in my head. Can you describe what you experienced? So the building itself was a square, which does not feel right to me for a Waffle House.

It also had a weird roof. I don't know how to explain that. There were several things. Did it have a serious slope? Because typically that's not the Waffle House thing. Were you in a pizza hit to commercial? It didn't, it didn't, it wasn't a pizza hut. It felt more like, maybe small, it was too small to be a bank.

I don't know exactly what it was. There were a few interesting things about this Waffle House. One, it had a sign up that said from 9 p.m. to 6 a.m. They were only doing takeout. You could not sit in the restaurant, which I have not seen that. I don't go to Waffle House at a time, but I hadn't seen that before. And that felt very much like there was an incident. and so now we're doing this kind of thing.

And there was also half of the restaurant was closed off. Even though it was busy, that might have just been a staffing thing, that they were just like, we're not opening those booths over there. But yeah, it was just sort of like part of the Waffle House lore, I guess, is that like these are places that at this point a new Waffle House is basically shipped to, It's like an IKEA. Just drop it. Yeah.

Business. This was not that. This was a retrofit building. And it was perfectly good. Enjoyed my meal. But it was just like, oh, this, something's wrong here. Something is off here. So that's what I got.

Like the left-handed Publix. Yeah. Like, imagine a left, you've been to a city public size. Do people know what I mean when I say City Publix? The pocket Publix. Yeah. Pocket Publix. Imagine a left-handed pocket Publix.

Oh, man. That's what it felt like. Do not like, yeah. That's unsettling on a number of levels, yeah. Yeah. Holly. Sir. What's the absolute worst vehicle you've ever had to drive or been a passenger in?

Oh, God, yes. There's a specific answer to this. And I'm sorry that I've never been to Asia because Storytopper is going to come over here and just roll over the top of this experience. But I was once upon a time due to a... last-minute, truly unfortunate confluence of travel arrangements, I had to, due to prior engagements, get to Morgantown from Baltimore, and I had to rent a car at the Baltimore airport, and it's not a bad drive from D.C. to Morgantown, unless you happen to be given a Nissan Versa at the rental car

counter. It was like, I imagine that if you had outfitted a cozy coop with like an outboard motor that wasn't all the way dipped down into the water, that would have given, it felt like it took about seven hours to get there. Every gust of wind blew the car sideways on all four wheels. I'm pretty sure I could make a cozy coop that could beat a Nissan. Versa in a street race out of materials I can see in my office right now just and

also a really annoying noise when going up West Virginia's many hills like F minus F minus would not would not repeat the Nissan Versa is very much the I have purchased new racing video game and this is the first car

the game is giving me until I earned it's a standard yes it looks exactly like the standard car icon in the Garmin navigation system. NPC-ass car. Anyway, I have never felt so close to death in a normal vehicle where nothing was actually going wrong. Spencer, do you need to come over the top with some story of your own? Of course he does.

When I was in Taiwan. I'm sorry, I was thinking out loud, buddy. it was not in Taiwan I have nothing to top that the versus sounds terrible it was in Nepal I think he does but he's being he does and he's pretending to be nice

yeah that's right I have no I because I liked this car too much what car so there is a story oh okay so we've revealed a lie it's not it's not the worst I can't call it the worst because I laugh the whole time we were driving it okay well what is it

a hugo a friend of mine had the Yugoslavian wonder, the marvel of all Balkan wonders, had a hugo that he sought out because he was an idiot. Where did he get one? Florida. Never mind. Yeah. This is the guy at one time got drunk and was like, this pit bull followed me home.

I'm going to take him in my trailer. And when he woke up, the pit bull was trying to eat its way out of the trailer and had eaten a hole in his wall. Yeah. This was that guy. It was Dave. He's cool. Anyway, Dave decided that he wanted to buy Yugo, and he found one, and he got one. And it was so, it was the weirdest experience.

The engine was 55 horsepower, and that honestly felt charitable. That felt like you were giving it, like, five to ten, easy. Everything kind of had some give to it. So, like, the floor kind of felt like, you know. Like a gym floor? If you can make a whole car out of Marsupan, that's kind of what it felt like. you know but it was so fucking cool

because when you took a turn at you know 25 miles an hour it felt like you were going 900 miles an hour right you're like whoa driving is fun again

the doors kind of clattered whenever you so much has breathed on them the windshield didn't feel like it was made of glass but if it was it was the kind that would break it to like jagged sheets

that would definitely decapitate you are you tired of the thrills Ralph Nader took from you the engine just smelled like communism like when you turned it on you're like ah even if that was unleaded gas you'd be like this engine puts lead into the fumes that's how cool it is the radio the radio and fm a standard fm radio only picked up like sort of loud static it was oh it was just a perfect automobile the headlights the headlights sort of made everything look sepia-toned.

Like, it was just the coolest car. All right. This one is, Spencer claimed it, but I think it's fair to say, given recent news, this is really for the group. What animals do you think you could successfully heist from a zoo situation? I don't know that situation was in there. If it's Dallas, any of them. And why?

Why is also an interesting class here? It's summer. Major League Baseball is in full school. swing and there's one app for you if you want last minute deals on major league baseball games and that's game time.co that's right game time.co i'm looking at the app right now and i'm picking out america's team really the kansas city royals uh and at coffman stadium just in a couple days there's tickets available for $16 and then well i don't want to up the stakes too much here but let's go to next week it looks like they're playing the chicago white socks there are tickets

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and redeem code FU L-L-C-A-S-T for $20 off. Download game time today. Last-minute tickets, lowest price, guaranteed. Holly, what's up with the Dallas Zoo? So, and there are several more problems with the Dallas Zoo. I'm only going to list the funny ones. This is mostly funny because the Dallas Zoo has a very straightforward and unironic

Twitter presence, and a couple weeks ago, it announced very, you know, very somberly and stately that it had, there was a security issue at the zoo, and the Dallas Police Department was on the scene, and to please avoid the area. And of course, immediately, you get 11,000 quote tweets from local residents saying, this is a really stupid way to tell everybody you've lost a leopard. Now, it's a cloud leopard. We've lost a, it's a cloud leopard. So it's a, it's kind of, it's more of like a bobcat, ocelot type situation than, then, then, but still, um, where did they find the leopard after our, first of all, what is the Dallas police department supposed to do in this situation? Shoot. Yeah, that's, yeah, like plan a, are they going to plan a gun on the cloud

leopard? What is the utility of having them there? But they did. find the leopard apparently several feet from its original enclosure, just napping. There have been a couple other incidents in the past, in the past year or so, where it appears enclosures at the Dallas Zoo have been intentionally cut. And then last night, we log on to find out that two monkeys have been kidnapped. Is that the, is that the verb? that's the verb the Dallas Zoo PR the PR

channels were using I cannot verify its veracity at this time I would also like to take this time to address the woman who accused me of being involved in this because I was too happy about

the Dallas Zoo to be clear I am going to be attempting to take animals that are still in the zoo not ones that have already been stolen because I'm not going to dishonor somebody else's effort like that.

Honor among thieves is a thing, yes. I think the use first of I think the use of the word kidnap does as much to address the humanity of animals as the air bud question does. Yeah. Once you're kidnapped, you are a person, right? That's true. You steal

things, you kidnap people. yeah um secondly is is this a way to word the question what is the biggest animal you could steal from a zoo because it's like a bird i'll just let a bird go done right right there's no challenge in that right i mean i would i would maintain that a bird would actually be very difficult to steal from a zoo unless it's just noisy shit unless no there's one that i have singled out and it's at the at the atlanta zoo it is the southern ground hornbilt it is a meat eating bird this is the same bird that likes to come up. And that would be easier? Yes, because they already want to go.

Southern Ground hornbills, first of all, they already bang on the glass with their like beaks to get you to come over and engage with them. They're down. They want to get out. They want to go party. Like the hornbill is ready to take your keys and drive you out of the zoo. It's ready to go. It'd be the easiest bird. You'd be like, hey, you want to go get a hamburger and like go get fucked up? They'd be like, I thought you'd never ask. I thought you'd never ask walking hamburger. Yeah. Yeah. Let's me and you go get a hamburger.

That's exactly how we'll do this. I'm going to cheat the bird question by taking the as many South African rock hopper penguins as I can fit into my trench coat. I like that you've turned this into supermarket sweep. This is the Nintendo Super Joy Run. She's a smart contestant you can see. She's going straight for the hornbill. these are these are penguins and as such are as such are going to be prized on the open market should I ever choose to use them for commercial purposes but also they don't they're there for their native to South Africa they don't require a ton of special climate care oh that's smart in order to survive like in the in the Boston Aquarium or at least the last time I went which was about a decade ago

the rockhopper penguins live in this giant open air arena in the middle of the aquarium like they just they live in they're suitable for tempered climates but when somebody looks they see a penguin anyway

and also with multiple I feel like multiple animals conveys a sense of not respectability but oh what's the word I'm looking for not feasibility, but I think if I've got

one penguin, something might be weird. If I have a group of penguins together, well clearly that must be because I'm responsible for them. If you have that and a clipboard, you're good. Especially if a lanyard.

Yeah. Well, like, if the penguins are clearly following you, then who's going to tell all those penguins they're wrong? Who indeed? Um, I, I would argue a sloth would be the, the animal I would be most comfortable stealing, because like, I don't think, oh, Henry story waiting to happen. That's going to get exasperating in a hurry. But the sloth can't fuck me up, can it? It just doesn't do that. No, but it's also, it's also going to be absolutely no good in a fight. I don't, I don't, I don't, I want to be clear, I'm not going to the zoo looking for fighting partners. Oh, okay, sorry, my mistake. That's my fighting. Sorry, that was me projecting my experience on you and I am trying to work on that.

Or a potential expense experience on everyone. Now I have questions about the penguins, but I'm going to move past that. Croft McGa. I'm going to go to a sloth fight. It's going to be a six-hour tussle. What is the animal you could steal from the zoo that the zoo would say, like, hey, you're going to figure out that this isn't going to work and bring it back? You'll be back. ostrich

yeah I feel like cassowary seamo Spencer you're you're holding back for reasons that I think at least a couple of us

are aware of so why don't you go ahead and give your genuine answer here on who I would take out of the zoo on big cats

that believe that you personally believe you could be friend I think I'd be cool with a lion I think the lion and I could be bros I think we could

make it work a tiger couldn't because again we've discussed this for that's a single serving animal they tend to view everything as prey if they happen to express any affection to you it's much in the same way that you know one would against you know rubbing themselves against a tree or a useful object eventually they're going to probably turn on you a lion however there's extensive experience and sort of human lion interactions that unless they

have viewed you as prey from the start you could be at least tangentially associated with the pride So I'm going to go ahead and say, I think I could make a lion work. So is this scientific? Is that what you're saying? No, this is Spencer watching a whole lot of TikTok. Yes, this is me watching the lion whisper. You know, these are mostly anecdotal. A lot of TikTok.

I can't do any long-range studies. This is documentary evidence, sir. And if you're putting me out there on that limb as to an animal to take. The only difference between this and planet Earth is some light production quality and some length. It's called citizen. And journalism. You're going to call this documentary Lion King? Like you're all lining up with fucking spreadsheets.

Come on. I mean, I just like that you're like, literally my plan for the penguins. I just like that you're looking at a tiger like, no, it's mean. It's not very fluffy. You know who's nice. That one's fluffier. I'm telling you, I could make it like, I'm not saying with every lion. What is?

I would take it. Wait, not. So how do you determine, okay, you said not with every lion? You need to listen. Let's talk about the inner thing process. The answer is third eye. Okay. Vibes.

Third eye. You just vibes. That's it. You just got to feel it out. And y'all are laughing. Yes, we are. I don't want to feel it out. The lion doesn't either.

That's how you're going to have to make it work. We're in a forced to do theft situation. Look, I will steal a smaller animal. I would watch a like dating style show where Spencer travels the globe, meeting lions, seeing if any of them will vibe with him. Lion's attacked in every yes

in a protective setting where you're not actually hurt but you're like no no where's the fun of one

protective protective yeah protective setting no this is this is grizzly man let's go the confidence

you know what his eyes were pretty good for a while he had a streak this the confidence with which

Spencer offered this bat shittery reminds me of a derailment I forgot to leave with him I'm sorry the flat earth

concept when you think of what people mean what people picture when they say the earth is flat what polygon do you think that object is I know my answer and my answer was was surprising to others when I brought it up but Jason I want to start with you what shape is the flat earth it's usually described as a disc I believe that's what most of the most of the art is okay in your head is in your head is that what you think they were thinking? Yeah, I think that's, I'll go along with that. In the ancient world, it's a disc surrounded by a dome above and below.

Okay. So, so, so, so, so, so it's Chicago pizza. Yes. Okay. Spencer. Detroit pizza. It's fucking square and they're shit falling off the edge. Do you, seriously, do you think it's square? Yeah, that would be like, it would be, like, you're going Wendy's Burger? I'm going, Wendy's, no, Wendy's Burger.

Oh my God. Chicken surfboarder. And everything that falls off of it goes into the chillings. Woffer, Woffer, Woffer, Why, again, like, Jason's choosing the less dumb, dumb idea. I'm going to take the dumbest, dumb idea. Serber, what shape, what shape is the flat earth? A rhombus. Dope.

That's a sick pick. I love it. Like a almost ninja star spitting through the universe. Dude is so sick. It's like God just flicked us like a ninja star. I mean, if you're going to be a little bit. If it ain't, explain the North Pole and the South Pole. Idiot?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's so like when you go to the ice walls at the edge of the world, and then the drones are shooting you to keep you away from climbing the ice walls. Why the fuck you think there's diamonds? We're on a fucking rhombus. Yeah, those are the clues. Those are the clues all along.

Holly, what shape is the flat earth? I just rewatch Thor Ragnarok while folding my laundry. And so this vision of Asgard is coloring my answer. but in the interest of changing up a little bit I'm going to propose a diamond but not a diamond

with smooth edges like a medallion sure like faintly like a scalloped diamond maybe but with points with points on the edges like if you took

say if you took the drawings of the beautiful blue mountains on a can of ice cold cores light and you you put two of those upside down against each other or looked at the reflection

in a beautiful blue lake. Right. So I'm going to say some kind of fancy diamond situation. Okay. I landed where Jason did. I said it's basically a pizza. It's a circle. And everyone I talked to was like, I always thought it was a rectangle.

Like literally just. Everyone? What? Three different people were like, I thought, when people said flat earth, the thing that they conjured in their head, not these people are flat earthers, but they're just saying like, yeah, I figure it's a rectangle with corners. and you can fall off all the sides. It's the risk.

I'm worried about it. Have these people ever gazed at the horizon? You know what? I felt good about my circle answer, but I was not in the right. Gazing at the horizon is one of the biggest factors working against flat earth theory. Yeah. Listener, if you want to feel insane, get into an argument with people who don't believe, none of you believe that the earth is flat, get into an argument about what shape the flat earth is.

It will fuck more. Additional. suggestion, argue that the earth is round, but the moon is flat. Oh, yeah. See, that's true. The moon was planted there by the government, of course. Yeah. Voice mail?

Voice mail. Let's pull up. Ah, let's continue you on with a theme in a way. 423, Kyle from Tennessee. You're on the air. Hi, y'all. This is Kyle from Tennessee.

I just wanted to call your attention to a possible explanation for why Shane Beamer continues to do the, I can't believe this has happened with one stick. Apparently, the University of South Carolina is launching a fully funded MA program in magic and occult science. I think this deserves some looking into. I would say, I never would have guessed in 100 tries that USC would be the place to be starting that program, but perhaps this will add some extra motivation for Davo when he goes

up against the forces of darkness at the end of this year. Anyway, food for thought. Have a good one. Kyle, thank you for this update. This has layers. Yeah, I think that's what's going on here. This is just counter-programming against Dabbo.

I think... Here's what a state school looks like. I think Dabo has a hand in this class going in because he thinks it's going to bring bad will upon the Gamecocks. They're courting Satan. Yes. Yeah.

University of Satan's children. Satan's children. I do picture Dabo as thinking God is that stupid. I can not smart that son of a bitch. Thinking God won't notice Dabo scurrying to South Carolina to establish an educational program. Well, hell, I beat Nick Sabin twice. He must know what he's doing. Oh, God always bites on the play action.

You wouldn't believe it. Well, I swore I saw someone in an orange hat. writing the syllabus. This is where we ride the paradox of goddess supreme, all-powerful, and invincible, and we're really worried about the devil. Like, okay, well, listen, you got to take every opponent seriously. I appreciate God's dedication to the game plan to respecting the opponent. But you can't just write it off if we've got this serious, right?

You can't just, like, the devil's got to be putting up numbers somewhere. Right. It's Nick Sabin pretending to be terrified of Towson or whatever. A few details about this program. Fully funded. No GRE required. Huh. Okay.

So. And very real. Okay. So we're doing this. And very real. Yeah. Big Spur. I'm coming.

I'm switching. The history professor who is maybe in charge of this program or at least tweeted about it has a resplendent beard, just Absolutely fucking resplendent All right Oh wizard Is it

Are we talking to like weird Can we go weird shapes Because like Then I'll probably I'll probably buy If there's a lot of weird chaps In the beard University of sorcerer chin

It has a lot of It has a lot of potential Okay I'm gonna I'm gonna see if I can put it in the chip I'm just gonna write my thesis live On air Doom Guy as Christ figure

How one man's descent Into hell mirrors The Spiritual Struggle of Man in video games. Yeah, it's called the heroin. I was so mad at that that I just threw Yoshi off a cliff by accident. Yeah, because you know it'd be fire, no pun intended. I like the part when you said that maybe there's nobody in charge.

That felt realistic. Like, we're just going to go out in the woods and some shit that's going to happen. That's what I want in my magic course. What do you get graded on? How do you, like... If you can, like, summon shit. You can summon a demon. This seems pretty cut and dry, Ryan.

Is that, is that an A or an F? That's an A, brother. You know how hard that is? You want to fail somebody? I've been told it's very easy, but it seems hard. Here's what I think. I think summon a demon is the midterm. I think banish a demon is the final.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause problems and solved. This is like, yeah, this is like the anything is edible once solution. Would anybody be surprised, by the way, if finally the portal from hell to Earth was opened permanently and ferociously by the University of South Carolina. Not at all. Taney Hill! Well, only one man stands between Columbia and the darkness and it's Stephen Garcia

and his swords collection. The prince who was promised. This terrible chasmus maw opens up and from forth from it poor bat-winged locust creatures and so forth. Yeah, exactly. Purify yourself in the Lake Murray of Fire. There were omens. You summoned to snake a serpent first in the form of Spencer Rattler.

Huh? Oh, shit. Should have been watching. John Constantine does smoke enough to be a South Carolina fan. Didn't we used to invoke Willie Corn via Ouija board like 15 years ago? I'm going to say yes. Remember we were repeating his name like Bloody Mary? Yeah.

So again, we may have started this. It would. the board is set I would absolutely it's not going to happen obviously but if South Carolina as a program was just like we're leaning hard into like

dark arts shit that would be so great I mean it's not going to happen obviously I just I don't feel confident that it will happen all right all right it seems very unlikely but I would love it speaking of demons I have to go summon two from school look at you quitter

what a fucking quitter All right. Well, let's see. Holly. Darling. What's the best little luxury in your life you would suggest to others? Okay, this isn't a little luxury. This is a flex, and I'm sorry, but it has made such a difference in my life. I mentioned this on Twitter earlier this week. This may have also come up on hand in the dirt at one point, but a longtime friend of the program, Janie Campbell,

Miami Hurricanes Fan Extraordinary is to blame for this because she's had one for a couple of years. They cost the earth. They rarely go on sale, but every once in a while, you will catch one for a price that is less than a car payment. And when you do, I really can't recommend enough

that you purchase one of these countertop pebble ice machine makers, aka the Good Ice. Don't take it for me. Take it from Janie. Take it from front of the program, Alex McDaniel. I have taken this one step further in a house that is occasionally crowded with nieces and nephews and pets and visitors. I have not only purchased a countertop pebble ice machine maker. I have put it in my bathroom so that no one can use it but me.

Bathroom ice? Well, I mean, it's in the bathroom. bathroom because it uh that's that's where i had you know the counter space to put it but i have a sleeve of uh solo cups in my bedroom and whenever i feel like it i have crunchy little good ice on demand and i cannot tell you what a difference this is made to my personal happiness what is what percentage of your home ice consumption is beautiful petal ice versus trash fridge ice Um, it depends on where I am at the moment. Like I am, I am currently drinking fridge ice because I, uh, I prepped my, I prepped my diet Coke, uh, downstairs before today's show. But I am, uh, uh, I'm like a constant, a constant hydrator type person anyway, um, because I'm one of those people that will forget like an idiot if I'm not dragging around a cartoonishly oversized water bottle. and I don't know man it's just easier to make all that disgusting life-giving water go down

when it's filled with little crunchy ices it's a good answer yeah I don't have one but I can see the appeal you should get one I don't have the space for it and I'm not ready to live a back I should live a bathroom ice maker wife yeah I'm not ready for you like just like in general I have and maybe this is I think this probably has something to do with the fact that I don't travel a lot for work anymore, but as an adult, I have found that making my, any little thing that I can do to make my bedroom more like a hotel room generally makes me happier, like adding blackout curtains. Smart.

Putting all your stuff in a safe. Yes. I've got, actually, I've got, I just realized I have, I just realized I have the hot and cold things covered because I also added a, I have a tea kettle in my bedroom now. Like an electric one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And I, I'm, I, I, I am one of those people who, you know, they say that like, you know, you should create separation between your, you know, between your working life and your working day. And I'm such a relentless anti-mourning person that if I don't put a lot of stuff I'm able to do in my bedroom, I will just never get my day started.

So, like, I will wake up and just hanging out in my room for a good hour, like reading, reading emails and responding to, stuff that I absolutely have to deal with for the day before I will even like go downstairs and make breakfast or whatever and just having little I don't know having little hotel touches in my bedroom makes it easier to drag myself out into the world every day um surbra and Jason I want I want to hear your answer to this question as well I think mine and this is maybe a thing people have and I just didn't think to have but acquired a couple years ago quarter sheet pans Yes. The regular cookie sheet that fits in the oven is called a half sheet pan. I don't really know why it's called. Like, there's probably a good reason for it. Maybe it's because you could put two of them. That's half the size of like a traditional, in like an actual bakery. Okay. Okay. You can you can buy, you'll see, you can buy like, you can buy three quarter sheet pans as well, but that's like in, in, there, the pans that are referred to as quarter sheet pans are a quarter of the size of a commercial sheet pan. Okay. So, so. in normal and in domestic kitchens this is roughly this is not roughly it's half the size of a regular pan

that you would make tater tots or whatever on uh having smaller versions of these is so nice because then the decision of like should i heat this thing up in the oven knowing that it will taste better versus should i nuke it or should i just eat it cold or something is like i have a real psychological aversion to using half sheet pans unless I need to use them and giving myself the permission to just say but you can use the little pan and it's fine they're easy to clean they're easy to store I know I have like I'm not like causing myself a problem down the road they're not super expensive quarter sheet pan real simple but real delightful game changer that's my offer Jason what is what is your small pleasure that

that you would recommend to others. This is going to be a question I'm terrible at answering, because, like, the shit I buy is, like, I like the sound of that comic book or that shirt looks cool. It's got an owl with lightning coming out of its eyes, and, like, then it's, like, I don't really want to spend money otherwise.

I'm going to, these Doritos sound weird. I'm going to try them. So maybe that's my answer. Find the weirdest bag of Doritos. This is, well, but you're kind of espousing a version of like shonda rhymes year of yes do these Doritos look weird then try them

yeah but at the same time it's it's no to shit like this appliance is useful no I don't learn an appliance no I'm not going to do that what is the what is like if you buy the weird Doritos

sure what's your usual enjoyment level of usually good it's pretty high okay yeah it's pretty high because like you know they're designed in a lab to sure fulfill all the things your brain once in food, you know. They're designed to lie to your bodies. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not only that, there's the sheer novelty of it. You get to take a picture of it. You get to show off what an idiot you are trying the weird Doritos. Right. So it's like a solid hour of joy and then you feel bad. But it doesn't matter because you have the memory of. Yeah.

And to be clear, chips aren't real. Like if you buy, if you buy like a tub of ice cream and you're like, oh, this is the wrong flavor to buy. That's a commitment. Chips aren't real. Sure. Uh-oh. So you can just move on.

server what's your answer to this question gas chainsaw you're the only one on hand in the dirt who has a gas chainsaw aren't you that's true i think i'm the only one with a gas generator too expound a little bit on why you prefer what what joy a gas chainsaw has brought to you that an electric chainsaw would not number one agility more room for activities when you have to haul a cord behind you um that is a problem And it's also somewhat dangerous. It's a hazard, yes.

Yeah, it can get tangled up and what you're trying to cut up. It could be a problem. Aside from that, the battery-powered ones. One, just not enough juice, period. I say that with the caveat of know what you're capable of. If you don't need the gas chainsaw because you don't feel you're capable of anything that needs more power than the battery-powered one, then you're probably good with what you have. In that case, I would tell you that your little luxury should be go get a second battery.

Or even better yet, find another battery-powered device that uses the same battery as you do, you will get that device and an extra battery. And then I would recommend to still go get an extra battery because then you'll have three batteries. You'll be lined up with batteries. And why stop with three? Just get four.

Get as many batteries if you're going to get battery powered. But you should get the gas one because no job is too big for you at that point. Within reason, please do not try to chop down the 200-foot oak tree in your backyard. obviously gets someone who has proven to you they have insurance and a track record to do that but if you have a little so glad Spencer's not here right now just do it yourself did you see did you see Felder on Instagram a couple weeks ago trying to chop down a 20 foot tree in his yard

well okay listen that's a fine tree to chop down with a gas chainsaw yourself you can do that yourself his problem was he was trying to do it with an electric chainsaw and it got pinched because he didn't do a wedge well yeah I think he could managed it with the electric chainsaw if he had prepped properly which he did not yeah he got he got impatient he wanted to get in there and when he got halfway through he's like i can just do this the rest of the way and the and then as soon as he thought that it the weight shifted and it pinched his chainsaw and it got stuck and then he had to take a hatchet to it but a gas a gas chainsaw just is nothing is any match for you at that point yeah i'm i'm an electric chainsaw person but that's because the jobs that i am doing

the property are fairly limited. Like, I have, I have a chainsaw to clear out things that fall across my driveway, right? If it's, uh, if it's something that requires, like, actual bringing down trees of any size, I am calling it a pro. Yeah. And that, that is, that is perfectly acceptable. It's a pay versus play, right? Yeah.

Yeah. That said, if you, you, you may run into an intermediate place one day where like, I don't know, something big falls and you're like, I could handle this. I don't. it's not it's on the ground it's not a danger anymore but the electric can't handle it renting a gas chain saw fucking rules going to home depot or lows and being like i would like hey instead of uh raiders of the lost ark i'd like a chainsaw please yeah that shit is great i'd like to rent a jackhammer sometime that's the thing you can do when's your birthday

november november 19 oh that's a fun time to treat yourself Mm-hmm. If you go... Next time you go to the hardware store, if you're not the kind of person who rents tools, just go look. The shit that they will rent you

is fucking wild. I feel like there are lots of countries where most of the shit you can rent at Home Depot is like, you need to take a three-year course for that. Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? I recently learned that during Prohibition,

the Tommy Gun, the sort of, you know, token gangster gun was rentable was rentable yes in like Chicago

hardware stores what for shooting down a tree for doing whatever you wanted with it I take back a number of things

I've said about the Midwest on this show this country used to be crazier that's a difficult thing to really reckon

with sometimes like this is one of the more normal brain times in our history what is the safety deposit

like on atomic okay jason which program deserves to just absolutely suck shit for a while as a michigan fan the obvious answer is ohio state who hasn't been truly dog shit bad for like 70 years but i need not the easy answer here so first thing michigan fan your um your homer instincts i think they're dead on correct. I think this is one where the obvious two are the correct two. Ohio State is far and away the best answer here. They have excluding World War II and its immediate aftermath and excluding NCAA sanctions involving players getting too many tattoos, they have had six losing seasons ever in over a century. That is insane. There's no reason for this to be the

case. They have, again, outside of sanctions, they've only had one losing season. season since 1966 and only three since 1924? There's no, no, no. They are long, long overdue for a solid decade in the gutter. Number two, does it feel like Alabama? Good. That means your feelings are correct. Alabama is unquestionably number two. They had a really bad year, 22 years ago, and they still talk about it. Despite winning 337 national titles since then, they still have bad feelings about something that happened like before

the Matrix 2 was in theaters. Like, they need to go back to that feeling, and they need to realize that, like, hey, remember, you see how that was, like, forever ago? You can stop talking about it. You've won every title since then. And if you don't enjoy the good things, then you need to go back to the bad year, the one bad year. Number three is where it gets tricky, I think, because, like, almost everyone has had a bad year within the last decade. Except for a certain team that has, I think, 12 straight 10 wins. seasons. I looked at this earlier, 11 straight top 15 finishes and two national titles.

It is long past time. We thought we, twice in the last three years, we thought we had the Clemson reckoning, but nah, they're still fine. They're still really good. It is long past time for a true bump in the Clemson Road. Yeah. Clemson's number three on this list. I want to pipe in in support of you here, even as a Clemson fan, because a lot of people think that like this all Listen Tommy Bowden won a lot of games While he was there he didn't win any of the important ones But it's been since 1998

When they went 3 and 8 since they were Truly truly, truly bad They've been at least on the cusp Since then so well deserved I would even argue since it's been even A little longer you could Make an argument for them at 2 over Bama But that's just a man's opinion

Wow The Bama disrespect continues Um Jason of the three choices you've presented Which group's going to deal with it worse If they do drive into the ditch I mean I feel like Clemson knows They're on borrowed time

And Clemson knows They've gotten away with it for a little too long You know And like Clemson fans don't have the history of like My granddaddy's daddy Blah blah blah So you know Got to enjoy 300 national titles

So why shouldn't I? Like Clemson fans know this is all half bullshit Bama fans Oh they'll get to a wallow in another They're, like, one bad year every quarter century. They love having that. So, yeah, it's the obvious answer. It's Ohio.

This is one where the first instinct is correct. Like, like, every football season, Bama loses and everyone's happy. Every football season, Ohio State loses, and everyone thinks, oh, God. Now we have to hear from Ohio State fans. I think there is also a, this could be entirely made up. I think if this happened to Bama, they could. could stand back and look at the landscape of the rest of the SEC and say, like, you know, in some ways, we built that. In some ways, they were all just trying to take us down.

So, you know, T-Rex may be dead, but we're still king of the goddamn dinosaurs. Whereas Ohio State fans, I don't think we'll take that perspective if it's like, oh, man, Wisconsin is a fucking dynamone. Like, no, I don't think they're going to live in that space. We have a couple of thematic voicemails that could go right behind. this actually. Serber, can you play 419, Ken from Toledo and then 614, Eric in Columbus? Hey, this is Ken

from Toledo, Ohio. I'm calling for two things. First, hail, Rob. Second, on your last shutdown forecast, you guys are mentioning how, like, Ohio State's never had a down period. You guys are forgetting the entire late 80s and

John Cooper into the mid-90s, early 2000. My God, yes, we have talent. We had Hall of Famers, professional football Hall of Famers on those teams. And every time we felt good about ourselves, do you know what happened? We literally went full Wilde Coyote into Michigan. I mean, we're going on a season in, what, 96, 97, where we're going to go to the Rose Bowl and win at National Championship and what happens? Tim Biaka Batuka. Yeah, Tim. So that's all I got for you.

Thanks. Okay. Anyway, I want to play that specifically to set up the next voicemail. Sorry. Oh, okay, good. Hey, my name is Eric. I'm a mailman in Columbus, Ohio,

and I used to deliver to John Cooper. And we talked a lot of football. The only football we ever talked about for the Cincinnati Bengals, and he has a Cincinnati Bengals bumper sticker. He is coached for the Bengals for years. I just thought you guys should know, and he gets really, really hyper about it.

It's really kind of fun. funny. He is the most amazing Cincinnati Bengals fan you'll ever run across. Anyway, just thought you guys might want to know. Talk to you. Bye. So that coach that Ken from Toledo won't stop complaining about is just a happy-go-lucky Bengals scout today, and I'm happy for him. Sorry, Jason. Go ahead. Let me give you a list of AP final rankings in the bad times of Ohio State, okay? 18th, 11th, 14th, 6th, 2nd, 12, second, unranked, unranked, unranked,

First, how did you survive, you poor things. And this is, Ken, we hate to single you out. You're not the only person in the voicemail who read this kind of opinion, but you're all like this. The season that was. We lost to Michigan 30 years ago. The season that was being singled out is the 1996 Ohio State Buckeyes, who did the following. They beat Pitt 72 to zero. They won at Notre Dame, 29, 16.

They beat Penn State, number four Penn State at home, 387. They beat number 20, Iowa on the road by 12. And then, yes, they did, in fact, lose a home game to Michigan by the score of 13 to 9 to suffer their first loss of the season. They then turn around and play the Rose Bowl against number two Arizona State and won that game, quite possibly removing any chance Arizona State had. of acclaim at the national championship. So what we have here is a growth arc

because the second message that Ken left there was a couple months after the first one. I found it through old voicemails this morning. And over the course of the season, he appears to have developed, I don't want to overstate this because this is Ohio State football we're talking about here, but he has almost developed a healthy outlook,

again, by Ohio State standards of football, by saying, is it okay to just want to go to the Rose Bowl? Yes! Oh, God! Yes, yeah, you're there. You're there, dude. Just cling to this. I know it sounds crazy, but yeah,

is it okay to want the Rose Bowl to be the ceiling of the season? Yes, you goddamn lunatics. Just take it. It's wonderful. In the last 20 seasons, I can't even believe this is real. In the last 20 seasons, Ohio State has lost multiple conference games, one, two, three times. First time was 2003, where Jim Tressel went

to six and two in conference right after winning a national championship, have some room to work with. Second time was the year after that, when they went eight and four, went four and four in conference. Not great, but again, within two years, Jim Tressel and the Buckeyes were back in the BCS Championship. I really do hate doing this part without Spencer here because, Ryan, you're way too reasonable to be a Florida fan. And this is where Spencer will start grousing

about only having seen two national titles this century. The third was, of course, the year where too many tattoos and emails about tattoos felled the mighty Buckeyes. And even then, even in that year, where they like, if you remember exactly the time,

timeline it's the NCAA comes in gives them what is in retrospect an unduly harsh punishment lots of the roster leaves they're so late in the year that like they're entering the supplemental draft so there's nothing they can do about it and they still went six and six in the regular season and got to go to the gator bowl that was that that was like the doom year ohio state you're rich dummies followed by an undefeated season and then and then a national title okay But it remains very funny. We've talked about this a lot. It's my favorite thing to talk about when it comes to Ohio State.

It's very funny that Ohio State went undefeated and could not play for a national championship because it was more important to lose the tax slayer bowl to Florida. And coached by whom was fortunate enough to not play in the 2012 national title game instead granting that opportunity to Notre Dame. then what would have been Notre Dame Ohio State and that would have we would have just no that's not canon right no one would have bought that no no that's not real you're doing fine I honestly think it was fine that Ohio State missed that title game because no one would have counted it um all right Holly this is this is one that I'm actually curious about have any of the main characters of any disaster episodes ever found out they were on the podcast and reached out to set the record straight I'm imagining

Dad A and Dad B trying to walk you through a tactical reconstruction of the snake fight or a Marine fire team talking about some coy as the aggressors? Not the subjects themselves, as far as I know. We have had multiple Marines right in or call in to say, hello, I'm a Marine. Thank you for your accurate depiction of marine life. Okay. I feel like maybe it was the originator of Nightham. the person who reported the person who reported the night ham story the person the night ham person

got into it with him on Twitter and was like you've misrepresented me or something yeah but then he uh but but he was uh the quibble as I recall was like something with the time frame but yeah and this guy's name is Stephen and I remember this because if I if I recall he's now a listener okay like that one that one is I the reason I didn't remember that is because that guy is part of the extended universe now okay um also shoot there's one more but that one also uh we have not had any unhappy disaster uh disaster subject report and the mom who kept the trophy i feel like at one point we heard from the mom who kept the trophy of the fish bone that had been stuck in her throat uh with additional details about how the fish bone was stored and displayed in the home uh very

valuable information. Thank you for that. But yeah, as far as I know, those are the only ones. Okay. Two others I want to knock out. I'll take this one, and I expect to be Venmoed appropriately from the person who submitted this. Can you mention the University of Arizona at least once? I'm trying to win a bet. I just did. I'll mention the University of Arizona. This is not a home field ad read, but I recently purchased an additional University of Arizona shirt from Homefield, and it is the vintage one that has the red and blue, like, uh, vapor wave style sweep with the cactus across

the front. Yeah, the very fine. Desert, desert sunsety type one. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Very fine. It is available in both hoodie and T-shirt configurations. Um, now proud to say I own them both. Uh, you should go purchase some. Connor, um, if and when you decide. to sell zip hoodies and you sell the zip hoodie Wildcats one that is worn in speed like Holly and I are definitely purchasing it. Good football team. No question. And also

yeah, to the person who submitted this, we've talked about speed. Therefore we have talked about the University of Arizona. Oh yeah. So you can't be mad at us. On a similar note, Jason, you guys haven't talked about the Delaware blue hens in years. Yeah, I'm not going to. Delaware's not you. Hmm. All right. Asked an answer.

Holly, are there any other emails you want us to hit? Any other emails or any other voicemails? Or any other voicemails I want us to. Let's see if anything is dire. I would like to, let's see. This one's about 911, so we should save it for when Spencer is back. While you look for this, I do want to share this one. This is not a question.

Okay. One time I smoked weed for the first time in way too long and was paddling in an inflatable kayak around a pond, dragging a buddy in an inner tube. We thought it was cool seeing the beavers slap their tails on the water while hunting or whatever. I don't think that's what they were doing. Turns out they're very territorial, and that's a warning. One started chasing us to the shore, and we were terrified.

Oh, that's beautiful. I do have one, I have one kind of poignant story of friendship that came in. This came in, obviously, a few weeks ago. We have not done a mailbag in a minute. I couldn't quite hear, the voicemail quality is garbled, so I'm going to read it aloud, the transcript as best I can. It sounded like the guy's name was Union. I don't know if that's correct or not. I think it was Ian. Ian, okay. Let's go with Ian. This is Ian in Minneapolis, Minnesota. And Ian says,

I was just at the bar, and there was a guy in a Michigan shirt holding a football, like a regulation football, not like a miniature-sized one. So I called him over and asked him why. and he says the holidays are a hard time and football is a bit of a security blanket for him so he likes to just carry it around with him to sue them so anyway he invited me over to his house twice a year he owes his own version of the headbangers ball in his garage and plays heavy rock music videos from 8 p.m. to 6 a.m. So I'll probably go next time. Thanks for that. I just love I don't know if this second person is a full cast listener, but I love that y'all are making friends out in the world.

That's beautiful. Let's see. A few here to clean up. Somebody wanted us know, I play at, I'm probably going to get this wrong, I play at Dalhousie University. This is a Canadian school. And just wanted to say we won our league this season.

That's great. That fucking rules. Are we Canadian fans of whatever this school is now? Let me find out what the mascot is. It's probably like the, Yodel Hosen or something. It's the Dalhousie Tigers, and they wear, like, a black and yellow Bengals-style helmet that actually looks pretty sweet.

The censor is going to object, but I think we should take this tiger. I'm tired of tiger teams. You're tired of tiger teams? I like the Yodel whatever, Holly. Yodelhosen, which I think that I think I invented just now. Okay. Then that's who they are. Okay.

And then there was one more I wanted to get. Oh. Okay, I have an answer here, but I want to know what y'all think. which one of you would make the best grandmother me Spencer that's my answer my answer was also server yeah yeah that's much better

I think like I think server would be a kick-ass grandma yeah let me cook you all the dumplings and like and give you all the I got a lot of chips I got all the chips I got four different types of cereals over here I'm just going to feed you a lot do you want to go to Target But you'd also be, like, the good, the grandma where it's like, oh, shit, she has a gas chainsaw.

Mm-hmm. That fucking roll. Gas chainsaw grannies. What is a grandma won in life to be called on the phone? What do all of us do for more than an hour every week? We call server on the phone. We talk to grandma on the phone. Sometimes grandma stops paying attention, but we understand why and it's okay.

Very much so