Shutdown Fullcast - ShutdownFullcast 3.4

Episode Date: May 27, 2015

This free-wheeling and extremely (even by our standards) edition of the Shutdown Fullcast covers: --Why the cult of the Big Green Egg is mostly a lie --How POINT BREAK IS MERELY GOOD AND IS CERTAINLY NOT ON A LEVEL WITH OH SAY SOMETHING LIKE THE CLASSIC "UNDER SIEGE" --A description of the time Jason saw his youth group leader stage a mock kidnapping and execution to teach the value of church? Something like that? --Which teams could go 8-0 to start the 2015 season and have it mean absolutely nothing (hello, Mizzou!) --Can you witness to a zombie? --What absolutely insane college football superstitions and beliefs do we believe are real despite all evidence to the contrary? For instance, why are all Friday games ABSOLUTELY CRAZY (even though there is no evidence this is even remotely true) and why do insane things always happen in Lubbock at night (like losing by thirty in dull fashion!) --How Florida State could lose four games in realistic fashion, and possibly five if you like to do drugs and believe stupid things Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown fullcast. This week, before we begin, the congregation needs to hear a few things that we, the clergy, need to speak on. Jason Kirk, college football editor at SB Nation. What you need to speak on, brother? I'm on speak on the big green egg. I don't own one, and I've eaten food that has come from the big green egg before. And I'm here to tell you that it's really not all that special. Okay, back up, back up.

For those uninitiated and to the cult of the Big Green Egg, it's basically replaced golf. It is. It's the new, like, fathead driver, the new Big Bertha, if you want to call it that. The Big Green Egg, of course, origins, southern Japan, commonly referred to as a Camado, according to Wikipedia, so it has to be right it's basically a big ceramic uh barbecue egg that's it's got a couple of

different levels uh you can purchase like i think you can purchase their cheapest version which is seven thousand dollars yeah it's approximately eighty five thousand dollars for the midgrade version um which you'll need to sell one of your f250s to purchase but you know it's they say it's worth it now since i don't actually cook anything I'm really underqualified to give any of these opinions. I'm very cheap and lazy and just eat food that other people make for me. But in my highly unqualified opinion, I think it's extremely overrated. It's sort of this ceramic southern man symbol.

Like, if you have one of these, you are, you know, you are now the president of your neighborhood. Can I ask a dumb question? I mean, there are no dumb questions on this show. Are there knockoff versions of the big green egg and do other southerners judge each other? You're talking about the large teal egg. Yeah. The semi-huge turquoise egg.

Mm-hmm. Pod. The bulbous mob egg. I'm just going to sell one that's called like the Newt Green Meat Egg or the Newt Green Meat Pod. Emerald Oval. Yeah. The oblate spheroid stuffed with carnage.

That's what I'm going to call it. Yeah. If you got a knockoff BGE, man, they're going to ride your ass so hard. I will tell you this. That's actually like a huge issue because I know the barbecue wars will never end. And I'll admit I've committed atrocities. I have. I've committed atrocities both ways. I have no fealty in the barbecue wars.

my borders are flexible my alliances are fluid my interests are solely my own occasionally I will just say things about barbecue to make other people mad yeah what is what is the shittiest thing you've said

about barbecue just to make somebody mad the shittiest thing I've said about barbecue just to make somebody mad I said that Kansas City ribs weren't good and damn and that listener is a lie yeah that's that's just crazy top because like most barbecue it's pretty damn good no yeah yeah yeah yeah it's great pretty much all barbecue is good especially kansas city ribs they're really good and you know what some people are like well they're too moist what the fuck does that mean

yeah that just means like i'm from texas you need you need the dryness to remind you that happiness can be taken from you at any moment Yeah, that's, as I sit my bourbon and drink my, drink my bourbon and eat my dried ribs, I'm reminded of life's essential aridness. As I eat my bourbon. Oh, my God, why isn't powdered bourbon a thing in Brooklyn yet? Oh, you drink your bourbon in liquid form? No, I, I have it in powder. It's different. It's better. I've vape bourbon.

I've vape bourbon, komb komb, komb, komb, komb, komb, komb, komb. It's delicious. just, but yeah, it's people get real, like, ooh, I cooked it the big green egg. You can get that Komodo baked green egg from Costco, and you will not notice the difference. I swear, I promise you, the knockoff from Costco is fine. You're Weber. Auburn grads, I know you hear me, because you all cook on Weber Grills for some reason, and that's great. Yeah, yeah.

It's like, seriously, it's the, it finishes number two in the SEC playground that on game day looks most like a civil, war battle camp all right number one would be Texas A&M because there's horses and actual like mesquite fires and sometimes just random fires but you know it's Texas now the two that come to mind there would be Georgia's which

looks like I guess what happens after a battle maybe what happens after a siege yeah with it's just famous mountains of garbage everywhere it looks like it looks like Georgia lost which look look it's not garbage

It's just adding some contours to the course design. All right? Yeah, that ain't a mountain of garbage. That's a hazard. The rolling hills of Athens National, that's all. Yeah, they're really rolling. It's just hiding a bunker behind that giant pile of Natlight boxes. Oh, yeah, and then the other one would be LSU, which it's not so much a war as like,

I guess like a bunch of tribes having some sort of. like maybe maybe it's like the ceremonial war thing in North America before a awful people arrived where it was just like let's have a pretend war yeah you're describing a gypsy wedding LSU is a Dothraki wedding

yeah it really is it's for you Game of Thrones people with ice yeah yeah it's a Dothrakey wedding with better catering frankly but same murder rate

like steady high murder rate throughout the entire experience is the exact same as the Dothrakewatic, except it's real and not fictional. But yeah, you'll be fine if you get an imitation green egg because you can't, you can't man-shame me for not purchasing a giant piece of ceramics. I can't, you can't.

Not like, oh, you got to, you got to just nut up and do it. You got to get the green, big green. I don't, all I have to do is... What's the matter, baby man? Can't handle this badass pottery. I do like that, this symbol of Southern masculinity is in the shape of biological femininity. I really enjoy that.

Yeah. You got to get this thing that looks just like an ovary. It's used for cooking. Well, I got the big green fallopian tube. It really smokes. Listen, you can fit 18 racks of ribs in the big green vagina. You just put it all right in there. No, no, no.

You got to dilate that big green cervix just right. You're getting too much. You're getting your heat all mixed in there. you know what really gets my meat fired up is the skinny green inverse dick you don't own one gay so gay yeah you're not gonna man shame me into like buying a better grill because i use it like haphazardly five times a year and like you know i'll admit probably one or twice once or twice out of those five times someone's probably getting some mild food poisoning well that's just i mean it takes cold food, it makes it hot, and then you eat it. You're just teaching others to appreciate restaurant food. There's nothing wrong with that. This entire thing is a

conspiracy by big donut to get you to just go buy donuts instead of eating proper food. Do you grill your donuts? If the big green egg, you can grill your donuts and they'll taste like nothing else. It'll make them so tough and mean. It will

attack you off the grill. Can you handle it? They're prehensile pieces. This jelly donut full of spikes. It'll make you great at boating. Dude, now, listen, I'll make you good at boating and golf and minor investments. You've never cheered

at youth soccer like this before, brother. You're going to open up that big green egg and everyone's going to smell that meat and they're going to probably just go to a restaurant afterwards because it's your meat, not theirs. Yeah, they'll be afraid of making you mad by taking your meat. Yeah, I'm also

like, no offense to the big green egg people. proudly headquartered in Tucker Georgia. Okay. Of course it is. Of course it is. Of course. Yeah, the big green egg is fine. It's fine. Okay. Speaking of other fine things, I can just say this movie's just okay to me.

And I don't think I should be pilloried because it's a sincere opinion. It's not like my bogus trolling KC. Rith opinions. They're fine, Kansas City. They're just fine. They're great. They're meat. Eat it. But point break's just okay. Point break is just, I mean, it's a pretty good movie. It's not, I mean, in the constellation of movies made in that time period, which are action movies,

it's not the one that I have to sit down and watch at all. Which action movie do you have to sit down and watch in that time period? Oh, oh, what do I, what do I not? Well, first of all, say Predator 2. You know what? I would say Predator 2. I speed I would watch speed um like if you call up the 90s action movies which I did this afternoon just to make sure I wasn't totally insane I watch I've watched sat down and watched under siege like 20 times and I've never done that with point break which one's point break okay who boy point break is the one with Keanu Reeves as an FBI agent and and former and it's got some blonde guy in it yeah yeah Ohio State football player yeah Ohio State football player.

Blonde guy would be Patrick Swayze. Okay. Okay. And Patrick Swayze is like adrenaline junkie, jumping out of planes, and Robin Banks on the side to, you know, to fuel his adrenaline-seeking lifestyle. Okay? It's kind of like the origin myth for the X games. That's really what point break is. And the whole film is Johnny Utah, which is Keanu Reeves' character.

Yeah, no. his name's Johnny Utah. Can you see why I kind of want to bail on this movie? Hold on. That name makes a hell of a lot more sense once they established that he's a former Ohio State football player. Then I'm right back in. Right back in.

They're like former Ohio. Urban coach's at Utah, so that's probably what it was. You know, the bigger problem is that this movie posits that Gary Busey is not just an FBI agent, but someone with supervisory role. I mean, already my disbelief has been. somewhat unsuspended by that. Also, if he's a former Ohio State quarterback, do I really want to trust him with a gun or anything else accurate?

That's why he mostly runs during the movie. It's the Herb Street role. There are several scenes where he just doesn't shoot, because that's not what this offense is meant to do. Yeah, the love interest is Lori Petty, and she's completely miscast because Lori Petty's awesome and a badass, and she doesn't really get to be much of a badass past a certain point in the movie.

It just doesn't happen. And it's way too long. It's really, like, there's like two, there's like two good chase scenes and a couple of funny lines. And after that, you'd rather be watching speed. I'd much rather be watching speed than watching this movie. Or Predator 2. Or, dude, or Predator or Predator 2.

Or I could watch, I could watch, I could watch, I could watch Conair. Oh, yeah. This came out, this came out on Conair. It's a little earlier than Conair. It's a little earlier than Conor. I did watch The Running Man the other day in its entirety. Matt, that was pretty fun. And you didn't stop, right?

You just watched it at all. You just gorged, right? I was like, oh, right, Jim Brown's in this. You want a little known fact about Jim Brown. Posed for Playgirl. Wow. Which I found out the horrible way during a Jim Brown image search. I would not use the word little in that sentence.

Nope, because I was looking for a specific play that Jim Brown had. So I was like, Jim Brown, play, and Playgirl came up. And I was like, oh, I'm not going to do this. Click. No. I like how, yeah, I like how that auto filled, because usually Google seems to just clean all that stuff out. But with Jim Brown, it's like, no, y'all got to see this.

No, you got to see this, man. And I have to say, he's the angriest looking playgirl model ever. Like, he's just sitting at a piano nude being like, get out of my house. I need to play the piano nude. He's not posing. He's not posing. Yeah. I'm doing Jim a little too fast.

He would say it more deliberately, get out of my house. I need to play this piano, nude, right here. But, yeah, I'm not going to ever stop and watch Point Break. Sorry. It's a pretty decent movie. But like most early Catherine Bigelow movies, it's about 20 minutes too long. I'd watch Iron Eagle instead of Point Break.

Executive Decision, I can watch Seagall die. I'd watch any Seagal movie over this up to, like, you know, when he starts making movies on trains. I don't know if I'd watch Time Cop. he got tired of walking and driving. Exactly. You get too fat. This is laborious. I definitely would watch sudden death over this.

And then Steven Seagal goes to like his boat period, because those are even bigger. That, yeah. It's framing me. It makes me look small. I only do C-130 movies. I only do Blimp movies now where I'm sewed. Zeplead Killer. You know, I'll watch any of the die-hards. I will watch Total Recall.

Don't watch Die Hard 2. Don't watch Die Hard 2. What's wrong with you? I'll watch Die Hard with a vengeance. That's fine. That's a good one. Yeah, that's good. I'll watch Universal Soldier. Hell. Great. Yeah, that's great. I'll watch most Van Dan movies up to like 95. Ah, yeah. Anything post-Street Fighter is pretty much a disaster. Miss you all, Julia.

Yeah. Sorry, that was your last film. Congratulations, Roble. That's the last thing you did on film. God. But yeah, sorry, that's what I had to speak on. You got anything to speak on, Ryan? No, I'm good. Everything's fine. I mean...

This is why you were terrible in church youth group. Like, do you have anything in your heart you need to unload or speak? Do you have a burden you need to just let loose in front of the... Lay it at the foot of the cross. I was 11. How many damn burden... I mean, I got... Oh, you'd be amazed.

I killed a man. I got two slices of pizza. How much burden can I have at this point? Well, yeah, now you're feeling guilt about all the pizza you ate. How you've soiled the temple that is your body given unto you by the Lord. You didn't. Have you tithe any of that pizza to me? I really wish I'd done that, by the way, in church youth group.

Tithe pizza. No, I wish I'd walked in every day, and they'd always ask. They wouldn't ask confession, but it was that they would walk in and they'd say, You don't have anything you need to sort of, you know, just let loose in front of everything you want to, you know, rap about. Because, you know, was your youth group leader a long time ago. And I really should have gone in every single week and gone. Yeah, I killed a guy. Just see how long it's going to start taking you seriously?

Yeah, and then going to the next week. Spencer, if you're not going to take this seriously, you can just leave. Yeah, because, like, how long would I be able to do that? Like, week five when I came in. Man, we need to... Shit, I think we got to call somebody. I don't know if we go straight to the cops, but we got to talk to somebody. Can you imagine how hard you would be laughing if on week five, when they were like, anyone else, after deliberately avoiding you, and you just raise your hand in week five after doing it four weeks in a row, and they're like, Spencer, it better not be...

I killed a guy. Now, Spencer, you were raised Catholic, right? Oh, yeah. And Ryan, were you churched at all as a kid? I was also raised Catholic. Oh, all right, all right. Let me educate y'all a little bit. On the topic of horrifying murder-related things going down at church, here's how we'd do it in the Southern Baptist denomination.

It was Wednesday night. All the kids were gathered in the auditorium, having the usual singing and talking and all that going on. When screaming and gunfire broke out. and four men in all black with what appeared to be real guns came in and dragged away the youth leader yelling about kill all Christians this kind of thing drag him away we hear more gunshots from the hallway then they come back in and they say and that's why you stand up for your faith or whatever what the smoking hell this completely happened they did this in front of like a bunch seventh graders and then we all just went about our business were they were they now jason this is

maybe asking more about your youth and the the environment you grew up in was there a risk that one of those seventh graders was packing and would have a turn to find yeah that's what i'm wondering i'm telling you i'm from cobb county i'm amazed one of these kids were not was not ready to draw down listen because odds are pretty good i ain't sorry i've been trained to recognize the threat neutralize it, and that's what I did. Excuse me, I got to do my pre-algebra homework now. He's like, oh, great, you just killed the head of

Deacons. That's a good shot, though. Yeah. Deacon shouldn't have come in strapped like nobody else was, right? Yeah, I mean, he raised up. Yeah, that's it. Just like the Falcons. Just like the Lord.

And that's how it ended for the Falcons, too. Yeah, they got shot. Yeah, they got shot literally. In church. Falcons season ends in church. That'd be pretty appropriate, though. So we spoke on these things. I think we need to move on. We have a good reader question to start with this week, which appropriately, I think 20 minutes

in the podcast, we should start talking a little bit about college football. This is such a football question. This question from Jesse Pound at Jesse R. Pound on Twitter. his question, what Power 5 team could start 8 and 0 without anyone noticing? Man. This question has layers because first you have to find a team that you think could reasonably do this. So that automatically rules out a number of Power 5 teams. Then you have to find somebody who can do it but doesn't have like a big marquee game on the schedule. So like Minnesota is probably out because they play team.

If they win that game week one, we're all going to be talking about Minnesota. I would also point out that Wisconsin is out because Wisconsin plays Alabama, game one. So this takes a little work. I know we have a few candidates, Spencer, you want to lead off with yours? I will lead off with mine, and it is this, the Iowa Hawkeyes, because they could have a next to worthless 8-0 because their schedule runs as follows. Iowa State Redbirds. Iowa State Cyclones, they're going to lose that, by the way.

Like, they won't go away now. Yeah, they usually do. They'll lose, they'll lose the El Asico to the Iowa State Cyclones. Greatest rivalry in America. Then they face Pitt, North Texas. They go to Wisconsin

in, you know, year one of a new coaching regime. They play Illinois. Year last of a new coaching. Year zero. It's the third year zero. It's the Omega chapter. It's the Omega chapter of the Illini.

And then Northwestern and Maryland. So if they get to that point in the season and they're undefeated, it won't mean anything. How does Iowa do this every year? Their schedule is like, oh, this sets up great. And they play Wisconsin. They play at Nebraska. Yeah, that's, maybe Nebraska would be all right. No, no, just, God, they're going to fuck this up somehow.

They will. They'll fuck it up bad. They'll score like eight points in one game. That's how this happens. Even if Iowa went eight and no, they probably would be ranked ninth because you know, at least who these games would be like, yeah, well, Iowa won that game because, you know, the other team is three. We all saw that. Yeah, we all saw it. We all saw that.

We all saw that. We all saw that. we all saw that. Yeah, they could start eight and now, and it'll mean absolutely nothing. Ryan, who is, uh, who is your, your pick? I'm throwing now with Missouri, because Missouri starts as follows, southeast Missouri at Arkansas State, Connecticut, uh, and then, where's that played, by the way? Uh, that would be at home.

Okay. Thank, thank God. Few. Uh, and then they run through five SEC East games in a row before they have to play any West opponents they get they got to go on the road against Kentucky and Georgia and Vandy and they get South Carolina and Florida at home and like I don't know I don't think anybody is that impressed by the SEC East at this point that if they get to Halloween having beaten everybody except Tennessee in the division we're going to be all that wild about

Missou, with all respect due to Yukon, of course. Yeah, you said that out loud. I mean, the other factor here, of course, is that Missouri is the, Missouri is like the good cousin that's quiet that we always forget about. So you were like, okay, who do we got to invite to this birthday party? It's like, oh. Missou is like the one that like got into a really good college or something. Right, right, but didn't, but it's not like, oh, oh, yeah, he's a, he's a senator or this. He's just like, no, he's just, you know, he's a, he's a dentist and he's doing his thing.

He lives in a couple times zones away. We see him every now and then. It's like everybody else in the conference is like they're really fun to have around so you like overpraise their accomplishments. Right. Like he did not go to jail in 2013. Way to go, Vandy. Or they're really bad to have around. So you notice them.

because of that reason. Yeah, whereas Mizzou is just floating through life exactly as one should. Mizzou is the nice, nice meaning Midwestern man who married into this Steep South family. Yeah, and he didn't deserve this. Oh, Kenneth is lovely. He's okay. You know what? He hunts?

He hunts. He does hunt. He only clay pigeons, but he hunts. No, no, I think the thing is he actually hunts. Yeah, he doesn't drink while he hunts. Yeah, like he follows actual. seasonal rules and government regulations and all that stuff. And he's like actually really good at it.

Whereas to fit in, you kind of just quote fingers hunt, which means you shoot some shit. Yeah, you know it's buck week next week, y'all. Did you see that it's buck week next week? Yeah, man. Hey, listen, man, it's buck week every week if you want it to be. Hell, out in my backyard, it's buck week right now. Why don't we step out there, hide the kids. Well, let them see it.

They need to know where meat comes from. They got it. Hey, hey, hey, hey, pass me them kids with them guns. Meanwhile, Missou is fixing your sprinkler system because it's been broken for a month. Thanks, Missou. The end of their schedule, by the way, is pretty brutal. Brutal. Yeah, no, they could go eight, no, and then eight and four, because their end of their schedule is misstate. BYU, being played an arrowhead.

It's a classic rivalry. BYU versus, this needs to stop. We do not need to play games in NFL stadiums. I like Missou. poking KU. They should do that every year, play a non-conference in Arrowhead like, this could be you. I'm here without you.

Playing a CFL team. The city has Kansas in its name. Then they play Tennessee at home. They get the volunteers who will either, I think, be either really good at this point in the season or broken. There's really no in between. Yeah. Yeah. And then then they have to go to

fail. Oh, God. They have to go to Fayetteville to play Arkansas. Just bail. Call in sick. I ate too much on Thanksgiving. I'm not coming. Send Missouri State.

Claim you double book to yourself. Send Kansas. Tell them it's a proxy game. Yeah, we will play you. We'll play you in Fayetteville. Show up there next Saturday. Okay. Damn it.

Brett Bealam is just waiting. Well, we'll beat you too. That's fine. uh that's a that's gonna be a brutal year for them i i think like like but they'll win the east they're like at nine and three or eight and four they'll totally win the east because the east is probably still going to be hot garbage and the heat of that garbage will only get hotter and accelerate into near boiling garbage territory thanks to uh what i just i feel like a bad georgia year is coming on okay that's fine i know it's just a shodenheimer thing

thing. I just can't. I just don't know what that means because we've had bad Georgia years and nothing changes. Like, at this point, Mark Rect is just going to retire, right? He sort of eased into the Frank Beamer seat pretty, pretty well. Yeah, he's like Frank Beamer without guns. That's not great. Yeah, you've got to have guns. Because I think every time they think about firing Frank, they're like, hmm, he's really.

Can we? Do we have the manpower to fire frank? That office is tripwired beyond belief. Yeah, we're going to have to call the ATF. I mean, because it could be Ruby Ridge trying to get him out of there. It's going to be hard. Let's move on to our next football-related question, which I swear this is football-related, Jason. We can get there, okay?

It's from, I think it's from Matt Tully. Correct? You're asking me? Yes. This was your question, right? Well, I was going to speak on the theological issues surrounding zombies.

The zombie-fied. Oh, okay. I didn't realize I was... That's okay. I'm made... This is very professional show. This comes to us from Matthew Pierce on Green Mountain on Twitter. Theologically speaking, can I kill a zombie without first attempting to lead it to Christ? That's a good sports question.

Like, but this gets to the question of like, okay, like, you're going to have to help me because you were raised Protestant and thus you actually read the Bible. Okay. Yeah, and you're much more interesting and more interested in like conversion theology. Yeah. Oh, yeah, it's a big thing. Catholics were into that and the results weren't really stellar. Yeah. I mean, if you give us swords, we can do it. Yeah, y'all got that out of your system about that. thousand years ago. We can go to the rent fare. We can get a mess of Catholics for you. Original church hipsters. We were over that a thousand years ago. Well, like, the tricky thing about trying to convert a zombie from, like, a Protestant Baptist perspective is, like, the big thing about being an American Christian is you always got to complain about being persecuted. Like, if you go to the mall and you hassle, like, everyone at

JC Penny about they're all going to hell and they don't want to listen to you, well, you're being persecuted. But the thing about a zombie. But the thing about a zombie is, it is actually trying to persecute you. It's trying to eat your face. But aren't zombies themselves also persecuted? Yeah, big time. I mean, they're just trying to eat. Hey, I'll readily admit that. Well,

if you're not classifying them as people though, say here's where the legalistic Catholic upbringing comes in, okay? I don't even know what you're talking about now. I mean, you know we have that day where we bless all the, in the animals, though. We do. Okay, so we classify them of the animal, like a vegetable, mineral.

Are they a person? Are they an animal that we have dominion over and thus need to be good stewards of the land for? You know, are they, can we eat them on Friday? This is really what I'm wondering. Can they eat us on Friday if we convert them? This probably is the common ground because the question for my side of the road would boil down to should we eat it or convert it. And that's the Catholic question as well. I think we're going to have to convert it because you can't eat a zombie.

Like generally speaking, there are very few episodes. uh in the zombie you're you're you're eat a zombie well like uh so reductive like you there are so many weapons in the catholic you you're saying we're not going to excommunicate a zombie are you kidding i'm starting basic we can excommunicate them right well like hang on as far as meat goes i mean in minecraft when you kill one you get rotten meat that you can't cook so i'm going by that okay well minecraft is pretty much close to law so i'm going to go to that minecraft's based on the old testament yeah yeah i mean it looks like it It looks like it was designed.

I'm going to build me an arc and float around it. That's what I'm going to do. Holy shit, Jonah, your head. It's amazing. I'm going to make this 25-minute YouTube video about it. It's going to have 8 million views. I would say that you would try to convert it. That would be the first thing.

And then as Catholics, we take the cool default, and we just excommunicate them. and then they're like in limbo or something. Well, I think you do like the... It shows you, by the way, how much I alert. We're like, I don't know. I mean, like, there have been so many cases throughout history of Catholics showing up somewhere saying, oh, we tried really hard to convert them, but we had to kill them all and take all their stuff. You should have been there.

Things just got out slightly out of hand. We tried really hard to convert them. So, like, it seems to me that within the hundreds of years of established, precedent, you can do literally anything you want to a zombie, as long as you say we tried really hard to convert it first. I would just get Calvinist with this and just say, you were

predestined. So, that's your fault. Yeah. You were predestined for this. And that's, you know, you weren't, you weren't called to human heaven. And now reading from the book of tough shit. Yeah, that's the Calvinist man.

It's their favorite book of the Bible. That's like, Mark, Luke, You're being eaten, and it's like, I was predestined to be eaten. It's the Paul Johnson Gospel. So on this podcast, we have blasphemed religion, point break, and the big green egg, and goodbye, subscribers. We miss you already. We're going to keep going. From Matt Tully, Matt Tully, we have, how come y'all ain't talking about Kim Trails?

Okay, which we're going to explain a few things, okay? Who feels really I will say that first of all this comes from a tweet last night that Kylie Jenner posted which was Which we'd have to explain itself Yeah it basically That is It basically asked about the credibility of

Cam Trails Cam Trails How should we best to find them? Okay It's the stuff that hangs behind a plane When it's flying through the air And people made up stories about it What the government tells you is

condensation. Because does the government actually tell people what it is? Is the government just like, you really want us to tell you what that is? There probably, there probably is a, because the government has pamphlets for everything, there probably is a pamphlet. There is a PDF somewhere. Yeah, it is stuck in a, it is stuck in a storage closet in, I don't know,

the Department of Labor or something. Yeah, this is some serious, like, late night insane radio art bell shit that's now fairly mainstream, thanks to the reasoned opinions of people like Joe Rogan and Alex Jones who believe that the government is trying to control people through things sprayed at high altitude.

Okay, so why are we talking about Kim Trails? Because we have plenty of other conspiracy theories and nonsensical things to believe as college football fans. We do. For instance, I've stated this before, but I believe that you can find the superior quarterback

in any match-up by reading the name forwards and backwards and the one that works better is obviously the superior quarterback and is probably going to win the game that's one of my conspiracy theories one of my things i believe even though i know it's not true the the the thursday night is dangerous conspiracy theory is a fun one because we just pick out whichever games happen to fix that fit that narrative or or conspiracy in this case yeah you forget like every dull 12-10 ACC game. Oh, God.

That happens on a Thursday, and you go straight to the light. Insane late night, Pac-12 upset, like Arizona on a Thursday night. Yeah, that's the fun thing is you can, like, any game that goes crazy, you just attach time slot location conference in front of it and make it sound like this happens every day. Oh, my God, the noon Friday Mountain West upset. Seen it coming. I have...

How did, why didn't you see this coming? my irrational theory, I build on top of the Thursday night one. So I have the one I build on top of one, which is the Thursday night game can get crazy. But it's nothing compared to that Friday night game, son. Because nobody watches the Friday night game unless it's crazy. Never watch Friday night games. Unless they're the crazy one. Unless you've been hearing for a solid hour that it's crazy.

I think this really just comes from like, what was it, 2011 TCU Baylor opening weekend when TCU Baylor just went off on a Friday night, and it was a Joe Test game. And everything since then for me has been like, yeah, that Thursday night game is something. But man, that Friday night game, whew, pure cocaine. There's no basis in reality for that whatsoever. That ACC Labor Day opener. My God. Look out, son.

So I believe that every single time. that there are certain coaches who for other coaches will always present an intractable problem even if the data doesn't support that like that well this is sort of a like almost dungeons and dragons type theory that you're like oh you're you're weak against uh you're weak against grow type yeah you're here's you know what you dragons are susceptible to you Hey, girl. Yeah, hey girl. Like that Jim Tressel was, Jim Tressel had problems with Purdue.

That's, you know, you're like, oh man, Purdue, Purdue had Jim Tressel's number. That's like not even close to true. I mean, I have problems with Purdue. You take double damage from Paul Rhodes. Yeah. Like Paul Rhodes has this big reputation. It's like, the upset specialist. The giant killer.

The giant killer. You're like, you beat Nebraska when they had nine turns. turnovers. Nine. Like any remotely competent team should be able to do that. Oklahoma State fans are so mad right now. They are so absolutely infuriated at me right now. This coaches thing, like, it can totally flip, like, based on one game.

The most obvious example, I think, right now is Sabin Urban, where, like, oh, he made his ass quit, which followed up. you know, of course, like Urban beating Saban convincingly, and now it's completely flipped back the other way. Bama's scared. They're trying to, you know, they want to cheat, take away the satellite camps. They want to change all the rules, you know, all based on one game at a time. Yeah, that, you know, like, yeah, you know what? Nick rebuilt Urban. He made Urban stronger. Made him go get that robot heart. Changed his whole career. Came back and beat him. That's what a champion Nick Sabin is. He made Urban go back and become. a better man by becoming a cyborg and then beating him he's like apollo creed he is he's like

exactly i'm gonna train you and then i'm gonna die in the hands of a russian and that russian's name gus malzahn that's it gustavs train it training in the snows of opalika i must kick you oh well you know it's it's hard to beat kicking the winning touchdown only gus melzons pulled it off. Literally never seen anyone else do that. That's one thing. I think that people have geographic ones. Like, for instance, if you tell me,

oh, I don't know, it's that place at night, I'll just buy anything. Right. Even if I know that statistically it's not true. Does the ACC have one of these? Boston College at night. It's Raleigh, North Carolina. You know the one place

in the ACC that I would buy, if you're like, oh man weird stuff happens there at night um nc state yeah I would and you know why it's because of the fat man on a pole game yeah yeah all you need is one

I mean you need is one image and you're good fat man on a poll might be ahead of EJ manual on the bill's steps chart this year but also what you said Jimbo gets them paid once it's all it takes that's all listen only take one time That's, that's, she just puts on Migos.

That's what Jimbo Fisher does. Is Jimbo just the Matthew Lesko of college football coaches now? Millions of NFL dollars are being, are waiting to be given to you. That's it. Just come here. I'll show you the programs. But yeah, you beat Florida State once at night in 2012, and I will believe anything that you tell me about NC State at night. But there's other places that are real obvious, right?

Like Lubbock. if you were like, oh man, it's Slubbock at night, crazy things happened there. Like Texas Tech losing by 30. Again. Like, even then you'll, like, even in a 30 point loss or something, you'll go, man, there was a coyote

under the stands. So what is the flip of this? What is the, like, chillest place to play at night? Like the place where. Like the Rose Bowl at night, you're like, oh, this is fucking lovely. Yeah.

Diane, we should, we should, we should come back here. The thing is it's like, oh, there's a game there. It'll match the point spread. Yeah, it'll probably be predictable in exactly what you thought it would be. You know, it'll be a fine time. Oh, they're playing. Yeah, I don't even know.

A place where you're just like, okay, yeah, that's what's going to. You know, if you tell me Pullman, Washington, I mean, I know what's probably going to happen. Wazoo's probably going to lose. Yeah, that's true. True. It's kind of like it goes all the way back around. It's so unpredictable that you know exactly what's going to happen. I get oddly excited about it, though. If you say like, Pullman at night, I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm going to watch 40 people binge drinking in 20 degree weather and a 40-point loss. Woo! And I get kind of oddly excited about it.

You never know what'll happen. You know what'll happen. Yeah, you know damn well what's going to happen. And there's also, like, certain announcers, like, the Joe Test rule. Like, oh, Joe Testatory is calling the game. It's going to get insane. I don't know if there is a guy now who does that, who has that same pull. But Joe T did have a pretty good run.

Like, I'm going to say above statistically probable in terms of exciting games for about two years. Yeah. Like, that was real. I'll just accept that that's real. Don't data me out and try to, like, prove me wrong. Joe Tess had a decent run. I do have one opposite. to that rule, though, which is that the Kirk Herb Street game, that ABC, late-night

Saturday, it's a dog. It's always a dog. Like, they never get to call a good game. And I know that they've called good games, but the superstition in my brain just says, no, man, don't watch it ever. Yeah, that's the game where midway through the third quarter, Kirk is like, yeah, well, you know, Michigan State, if they had just made a few more throws in the first quarter, and they didn't have those two fumbles, and they make that field goal, this is a seven-point, point game you're like oh all right well all right so we're gonna go i'm gonna go see what's on fox sports one because that's fun yeah there's because you know it's a late night it's a late night mountain west game oh oh oh i'm not sure if i get that channel what is that channel i think it's soccer

let's go find it is it be in sports i think i have that i can't even find an illegal stream That's that good shit. There has to be a time when you can actually find, like, the search results. Like, if you looked at the search results for where is the Mountain West channel or where is this game, like, it's got a spike at, like, 9.45 or 10, 15 p.m. on a Saturday for people like, oh, man, I'm going to watch that. Wait, what is that channel? Do I have that? What time is the Pac-12 network?

What time is the Pac-12 network? What time is the Pac-12 network's HD feed? answer nowhere what time is the pack 12 network illegal stream exactly do i have i want to know how many people search do i have the pack 12 network like google is taking an inventory of your belongings yeah like google is in your house like you have you have the pack 12 network a box of cereal and leukemia yeah sweet it sounds like a text adventure game watch watch Pac-12 network. I'm sorry, I don't understand that command.

Turn on Pac-12 Network. I'm sorry, I don't understand that command. Cortana. Cortana activate Pac-12 Network. Use Pac-12 Network with leukemia? Put Pac-12 Network in pocket. Go through wall. Fart, poop.

I don't recognize that command. Assume. Arizona State is losing. Yeah, exactly. Command recognized. Yeah, Command always recognized. I think the other few things I have are this, that generally speaking,

if a team blocks an extra point and returns it for points, they are going to win the game. I just, I know that's probably not true. I assume it is. I assume that if you miss an extra point early on, that you're doomed. Like,

I will I will say that I only believe that if you immediately chase the extra point and fuck that up too Oh no no no see that's that's talking about chaining Chaining irrational beliefs Right right right Like I can do that all day where you're like

They missed one They're probably doomed Then they chase it Oh they're definitely doomed Fake it on fake it on side the next time Oh no No no they're totally doomed I also assume that if you hit an onside in a game, it's over.

Like, if you hit one onside kick, you're totally winning that game. You could be down by 30, by the way, and my brain would still go, no, no, no, man, it's over. You guys did it. The big two for me are both kickoff related. There's one where you get a touchdown, and then during their return, you lay out their return, man. And, like, everybody knows it. To me, that's just this team's going to win. And then the other is before the second half.

kickoff, the stadium music, whichever sideline is jumping around the most to it, especially if it's the road team, that team's winning. Whoever's most fired up about whichever Migo song they're playing. I agree. I think that's totally true. You could probably get science behind it. Yeah, yeah, I'll call up Bill C. I have created a formula for dance intensity.

Do you have any of the data? No, no, I don't. No, Bill, just figured out. I also maintain... Just run the numbers. Fine, I'll have it already in four days. I also maintain any time the camera goes overhead on a kickoff return, it's going back. Man, you got some...

This is why I don't watch games with you. You're crazy. No, I'm insane. I have very definite, irrational beliefs about the game. But every time that overhead cam goes, it's a big return. Probably a touchdown. In fact, I have said that out loud watching games. Like, in Florida games, when the overhead cam comes up, and we're kicking the ball off,

and it's going the other way. I'm like, no, don't. I do like the team that, like, fucks up the snap early in the game. When you, because you just know, you're like, well, this is going to happen again. This is Chekhov's missed. Oh, yeah, no. This is Chekhov's missed snap under center. Yeah, it's going to happen.

If you have a center quarterback exchange problem. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's one of those horrible little binary things that should get going wrong. And sometimes it just lays there and everything's fine. And we're mostly going out of shotgun anyway. And what could go wrong? Oh, no.

No, it's happening again. Like the shotgun snap over the head? Yeah. Oh, that's three times. Yeah. That's going to happen at least two more times in the cave. Yeah. It's great.

I love it. Yeah. With the bad shotgun snap, we should love it. We've seen a lot of them. Thank you, pounseys. Thank you, pounceys. Please don't shoot us. Yeah, please don't harm us.

Free Aaron Hernandez. Oh, God. They said it, not us. I didn't say that. We've all made mistakes. That part's true. The final question tonight would be from Chris F. Jensen. We'll be the first assignment Tomahawk Nation gives Bill Simmons.

That'd be Bud Elliot, our Florida State blogger. Budding media barren, no pun intended. Pun intended. You mean literally, that's how he reproduces. Yes, spores. That's why he has so many interns. He does. Yeah, I got eight all spring this fall.

They've all got seats in the press box. I'm working on binary fishing. I feel like that's a better way to get a more developed co-editor. Yeah, we're good. We got those SEO clones. We're good. That would be amazing if Bud was basically a human starfish. And as long as you cut out a part of him that had the radius intact, you could grow a whole new bud.

Listen, if you could cut out, if you could do that and put a fishing shirt on it, I think it, it like grow and live be like no no no it needs something put a fishing shirt on it look it's alive look it's for our Indiana site what are its first words James will be fine

it's amazing so we'll be the first assignment he'll probably put them on the news round up everybody hates those that'll be it shit bud answered this question that might be a shutdown forecast

first where bud bud was so quick to the news that he beat us to the answer that doesn't really say much i think bud is often going to be quicker to quicker to the news than this program i got what i'd really like as if simmons himself weighs in like what would he what would he prefer to do at tomahawk nation i mean i feel like bud's going to have him on uh you know c c c free scouting university whose fs u offers are they are they copying you know that kind of thing which is that's great That's good content.

Facebook will love it. That was my other answer, by the way, for the team that could go 8-0, and nobody would notice it was Florida State. Because they always go 8-N-O? Yeah, well, first of all, 8-0 is just a start. That's just how we get this big green egg heated up at Florida State. Have we talked about this how this year FSU fans are all sort of? I know we talk about FSU every week.

That's fine, yes, yes. You're a hot topic, FSU fans. like this store like the store which just keeps on winning championship it just bought like some technology company or something it just bought like think geek

right what a freaking decade this is but yeah yeah the fsu fans they're doing the big downplay thing this year oh we're only going to win like seven games oh we're completely decimated with five stars at every position don't don't down talk our recruiting

but we're going to win seven games. So, like, I think the cool thing is, you know, we need to really play up FSU. Who? This is, I'll be totally honest. I just opened FSU schedule for 2015. It is bad. What the fuck are they losing?

This is a garbage heap. I have, I have two answers who they lose to. Are you ready? Okay, so, but if you're going to get to five is what I want to answer, that's what, how are you getting five out of this? No, but I've, you're not. I've seen people say that, like, Like, eight and four is a reasonable expectation.

A lot of eight and four, nine and three. I mean, like, the best team that play is Clemson, which lost everything good about Clemson, except for its oft-injured quarterback. I can give you all those losses. If you want me to give you all of those losses. Rip this stupid band-aid off. Okay, their worst-case scenario.

USF. No, no, no. Please, sir, I have not been drinking. Ryan. I know. Damn. At 1130 East. No, I want it so bad.

I know. It would be great. It's not happening. No, it's not. So here's where they lose at Boston College. All right. I'll accept that. Okay. Because B.C. almost beat him in tally. True. With James Winston. And it's a Friday night at Chestnut Hill. You know how Steve and Osseo gets on Fridays.

I don't know, but you said it like that. Listen, it's Chestnut Hill, Massachusetts, all bets are all. Grave digger Grave digger Live Chestnut Hill It's like Harvard But

Why is he lost? He's so lost Why is he there? Grave digger Starting at running back Grave digger is out of gas It's homecoming week Grave digger went to BC

He got a master's there All of these people from Boston Going Why does that truck Have such large tires my sister fucked grave digger best thing she ever did all right

johnny dame in a monster trucks at boston college so they lose at boston college okay um they beat the crap out of wake okay because by the way they get to play wake on a buy week that's when you really want to like rest up and get healthy before you cruise into bb and t field um my i saw the

they beat Miami because it's in Doke. But they get up for the Miami game and then they lose to Louisville at home. All right. That's the real reach here, but I think they lose to Louisville at home. All right. I think I know what your other two are. And then the other two are at Georgia Tech. Yeah.

At Clemson. And then if you really want to take that. No. No, no, no, no, no. If you want to, this is the four I would put a solid bet on, okay? Wow. I would only walk out on that plank of whimsy and just say, maybe NC State on the 14th? No, you're telling me that they lose to Clemson on the road and then turn around and lose to NC State at home?

Only because it makes me laugh really hard. I can't realistically say that that would happen. I think that they're a four-loss team at worst. but man the sheer comedy if Dave Doran takes the NC State Wolf back in there and beats them in Doak Jesus Christ

Well you know I didn't say it I didn't say it could happen NC State should be pretty good They should be pretty good And they competed with them last year Deep So did everybody

Okay well that's that's very true NC State should be pretty good That's not that implausible I'm really totally positive that you are going to beat the unholy dog shit out of the Syracuse Orange on the 31st October. I just want to point out that of that Miami fans should feel very grieved right now because of Florida State's ACC schedule, you have lumped them in with Wake Forest and Syracuse as like, oh yeah, that's a no win. Yep. I did that. Go Al

Gold. Can I also point in, I have also included Florida. had that rank so it'd be fair to be fair uh putting florida down there too