Shutdown Fullcast - ShutdownFullcast2.13

Episode Date: November 25, 2014

This week's Shutdown Fullcast goes early to avoid the Thanksgiving holiday, and discusses the following: why FSU is fine but Tallahassee is kind of scary, how UCLA can honestly be called "pretty good" at football, why Minnesota will be #25 forever, how Alton Brown would be the most annoying roommate ever, and why Will Muschamp still believes modern farming techniques are tricks of the devil. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown fullcast. I'm Spencer Hall, editorial director at SB Nation, and founder of Every Day Should Be Saturday. Joining us from Kenneselt, where I believe is he outdoors, are you currently outdoors, Jason Kirk? This exact second, but I'm probably going back outside. Okay, that's good. How much of your day do you spend indoors, would you say? As little as possible. All right.

It's nice here. really should be outside. And in at least one way, and probably only one way, it's nice where you are, temperature-wise, because Ryan Nanny, also known as Celebrity Hot Tub on Twitter, writer for SBNation.com, and for EDSBF, where are you? I'm in Tampa. Which I should point out, last time I was in Tampa, and we tried to record this podcast, was the infamous episode that only recorded Jason.

Jason and I, and not you, because Tampa has dark magic that wants to conceal everything about Tampa as much as possible. Spencer, do you have, like, lawyers telling you your voice can't appear in a city of Tampa? Yes. I'm actually vocally banned from the city of Tampa, probably because, I don't know, I probably sassed Gary Spivey, celebrity psychic at one point. It's Spencer and Michael Bublay. They can't be vocally. They can't be vocally. in Tampa. Yeah. Unless they both are at the same time. Oh, man.

And let me tell you that is a Christmas album you want to hear. Oh, well, you actually don't because legally, legally you would become an accomplice to a crime by listening to it. That's cool. I am in Tampa, so that's an inevitability anyway. You'll do amazing things. You'll do amazing things when you owe a drug dealer money. That's something Michael Boubley and me. We'll both tell you that.

I was this weekend in America's not King City, not Queen City, not even a Vicent or a Marquis, not even a Duke or an Earl of a city. I was in America's stable boy of a city, Tallahassee. America's three of clubs. America's subway on the interstate off-ramp that doesn't have anything else other than that subway in a kind of third-rate gas station brand that you only hear about at exits that only have two things on them. Yeah, I was in Tallahassee. And I would like to tell you about Tallahassee, Florida.

When I was there, there were two murders, including one of a guy who was shot after he killed a cop after setting his own house on fire to get everyone to respond. Well, that makes sense because that's the point in GTA where you're like, I'm never getting rid of it. of these like I'm not going to outrun this you want to go down yeah you want to know the installment of the franchise that would completely shut down the franchise as we know it for being too real

grimy and horrifying it would be GTA Tallahassee now what would they nickname Tallahassee because they don't go with the real city name no they wouldn't even bother oh they just call it Tallahassee they just call it Tallahassee and dare them to sue they would

they would say that's unrealistic Either that or Tallahassee would license it for like $25 and a pack of salami. Now, is like, is Bud the player character or is he like the crime boss? Oh, he's the Kron boss. Okay. I think he'd enjoy that. I wonder if we'll have enough computing power to render his hat accurately. I hope so.

One can only hope. But is an unlockable villain player and multiplayer in Golden Eye. so you can have that enormous hat but you know who you can beat him with Trina that's it another unlockable character completely mystifies him

yeah the hat in a game like that it's if you get shot there it counts if you get shot in the hat you're going to bleed even if it's the brim it's part of my soul no I will say this

that's what took down Bobby Bowden I'm gonna be fair everyone was really cool like tailgators were very nice it's a good crowd and the air around Tallahassee and the campus itself lovely lovely places not lots of nice retirees with scary amounts of what appear to be ATVs boats and tiny houses that I think

they budgeted a little too little for because the area around Tallahassee lovely the Gulf of Mexico is pretty good that is the state line area an enchanting rural route full of bygone nostalgia for an agrarian past. The lower portions of the Earth's atmosphere, delightful. Don't Campbell Stadium? Just fine. It's just a fine place to watch a game. It really is. I'm being totally serious. I'm also being totally serious in saying, the rest of the city is kind of like Augusta with a substance abuse problem. Augusta, the one town in Georgia that even Pastor Troy won't go to.

Pastor Troy won't go to Augusta? Yeah, he's, yeah, y'all can look this up. Pastor Troy doesn't go to Augusta. Wow. Then I would go ahead and guess that he probably would have second thoughts about going to Tallahassee. Because if you're not going to a football game there or the rest of it, you can just move 15 miles. out of town. The lovely part.

The part without the obvious squalor and terror that occupies. The part that is lacking in Tallahassee. Yeah, the part that's lacking in Tallahassee. So that's what I did, and I went to see Florida State play a game against a really good Boston college team. That's no lie. They look together. They never lost form or shape.

They were awesome except for two plays. and if you're awesome except for two plays on the road against Florida State at home for the Knowles, you lose. And that's what happened to them. Was one of those plays when they said, hey, their run is working, let's throw a 40-yard pass to our quarterback. Yes, that was second and nine after an eight-and-a-half-minute drive that eventually yielded no points. Do you know what I liked about that pass? It was like when you're playing an old tank game where it makes you adjust the force and

the arc and you haven't learned it yet so you're like yeah let's shut the angle at like uh i don't know five degrees oh my gosh that is not right at all that thing just hung in the air like it was gonna orbit the earth they went high yeah if your game plan involves your quarterback high pointing a ball to catch it not great your quarterback who's not especially big dude not a real big dude and who's not a wide receiver by the way in fact he is a quarterback that is his job That's his job. And you took the ball out of his hands to put the ball back into his hands. It gets a defense that saw that play last year a couple of times.

Yeah, not your best look, Steve Adazio. So that's what I was doing this weekend. And in addition to that, I also managed to watch a team that someone on this podcast enjoys Doughton talking some shit about. Who is it? Who is it? Well, that'd be Jason Kirk. Oh, because I'd do it, too. Just, you know.

You got that universal thing going. Jason likes to get out a special night for Jim Moore and UCLA. It does. Because, you know, being the conduit through which the entire playoff system's value and valuation run through, like, remember, the road to the playoff runs through people's opinions of UCLA and Minnesota, two most important teams in college football. They actually validated that. just laying a whooping on a Steve Sarkozy and USC team.

They did accomplish what Boston College has accomplished. They beat USC. They did. I told you Boston College is really good. Oh, okay. So now everyone that beats USC is good then. No, no, no, no, just those two teams. Okay, just out of all the teams that beat USC, those are the two.

That's fine. Those are the only two you need. Arizona State's real good, too. Don't ask how they beat E.C., but they're real good. And Arizona State is basically Arizona, Minnesota, right? Not really. Yeah, yeah, that's good. I think, let's see.

No, the PAC 12 Minnesota is actually Utah because they've lost to everybody. And they've also beaten everyone. They're all things to all people. They've beaten UCLA, but they've lost to like everybody. We did the thing today where we ranked down the record against the current AP top 25, and everybody's got like one in two, two and one and two, and then Utah's just like, one and nine. How's Utah's 12 and 19 overall?

They've been busy. Yeah, well, you know, they played the tournament, pre-season tournament out in Mad. Yeah, they did like, yeah. They did. Yeah, they played the one in Maui. They did the Grenada pre-season tournament. Had a friendly against Chile and Santiago, and anyone will tell you, that's a difficult stadium to win in.

They accidentally counted their spring game. Had the South Alabama, North Alabama doubleheader. That was a good one. Kyle Whittingham says anyone anywhere, and he means it. He'll just throw him on the bus. You don't even have to agree to it. He'll just show up. You'll be like, yeah, we're just practicing.

It's like, it's team on! I got a bunch of smucker's smuckers fruit jellies here. Just got them from Costco. I got, you know, a couple of liters of clean water. You guys got some pillows. Maybe roll up some t-shirts if you don't have one. Go to sleep. We can be in Seattle and play the Seahawks in 8.

hours, guys. I mean, that's the youth spirit, right? Storm the field, storm the wind column, storm the loss column. It's like he's a trucker, desperate to get enough money to, like, buy off his rig before the mob kills him. I'd like the record to show, by the way, that we started out trying to talk some nice shit about UCLA, and suddenly we're talking about Jason Kirk's favorite team, Utah. So I shat on Utah. I said, they lose to everybody. And also, and also beat UCLA. But no, I was talking about, no, rant. But, no, rant. ran all over, ran all over UCLA, mind you. Okay, so do we think that UCLA is great,

or are we just laughing at Steve Sarkesian after that game? You know what? I think they're, I'm going to go ahead and go out on a limb. You ready? I believe they are pretty good. Pretty good. I give them the official stamp of, that's a pretty dang good football team.

Can I also laugh at Steve Sarkisian? Because there might not be a worst team in the second half than USC. yes they make adjustments at the half imagine if USC played fSU it'd be like this like oh USC's up by three in the second quarter and USC would lose by like 80 yeah yeah it's like wow that got out of hand fast that's uh yeah it would be USC is a mystifying team to me because um I still think everyone saw them beat the dog out of Fresno state in week one and said they're back that's a good game Yeah. It's a great game. They won 5213. They look great. And then they lose to Boston College. They lose to Arizona State on a Hail Mary. They lose to Utah. And get run over. That's a 24-21 game. But as we know, the Utah conversion points chart, if you look at it, three points for Utah is like 300 for anyone else.

In retrospect, losing to Arizona State on a Hail Mary, kind of a good showing for USC, weirdly. Yes, because the rest of their games, literally no, pattern. There's no pattern of behavior whatsoever at all. You know, they beat, they beat Stanford 1310 back when we thought Stanford was something. And then they go on, they blow out Colorado, because most people do. They win a field goal. Oh, you know, can I stop me there? You know who didn't blow out Colorado? Hmm. UCLA. How many, how many over time did they go to? That would be two. They do. Okay. That's good.

That's better than three. So, just so we're back on UCLA for the previous. Yeah, we're back on how good UCLA is now. Yeah, you know, you guys can eat shit. Ryan, who's the team you want to talk about? I'm sticking with Minnesota. The other most important team in college football. The other most important team, who I still don't know if they're any good or not.

I do appreciate that they're willing to construct their own rivalry trophies. I think that shows initiative. That's true. We'll take them right off the internet. And I think there's a good chance that not only, Jason, does Minnesota stay 25 this week, despite winning and beating a ranked team? I think they can stay 25 for, like, the rest of time in Memorial.

So like preseason 25? Yep, preseason 25. Minnesota lost four games. Doesn't matter, 25. Minnesota went undefeated. Doesn't matter, 25. We do the thing where, like, Stanford names, its offense coordinator position after Andrew Luck,

We name it, like, the Jesse Ventura chair of ranking 25th? Yes, the Jesse Ventura chair of ranking 25th for 2014. That will be occupied by Professor Jerry Kilp. And what will be great about that is eventually it will go on so long that some Oklahoma or Florida State fan will be like, hey, hey, you know who's got the longest record for most consecutive weeks in the poll and be like it's Minnesota. How you like that? How you like that shit? Yeah.

It's, hey, hey, we, you know, we beat our ranked team and we won. Oh, yeah, who'd you beat, Minnesota? Oh, they're always ranked, so they're still ranked. One in seven, Minnesota. College football center square. Permanently there, just Shadow Stevens. Jason, who's your team you want, who's your team you won't talk a little bit about? Well, I'm on, I'm going to talk a little bit about the other.

important cog in all of the sport, which would be Brett Bilema's razorbacks, the other team that everyone has beaten in the top of the rankings and everyone else has lost to. Currently a courtly six and five after blowing away. That's a gentleman's record. Courtly is such a term for it. They're a stately six and five. Cortly is like, oh, he got kicked out of school for a little while, but he's mostly got his shit together. That's basically what happened. Yeah. Yeah, that's a B-Lamma thing. I mean, you know, I took a semester off. They haven't been scored on in almost a month.

Yeah. And Missouri's offense isn't very good, so they could go a whole month without being scored on. Yeah, which is, that's not what everyone expected. I think everyone expected the rushing offense to kind of, you know, kick in, keep them in some games. But, yeah, starting around, starting just after that Georgia game, they suddenly got just insane.

stingy, right? Only allowed 17 to miss state. Didn't allow a point to LSU, didn't allow a point to Ole Miss. They might shut up, Missouri. Matt Mock under pressure is a bad thing. Yeah, I mean, we saw how Fannie Mock looked against Georgia, and I think Arkansas's defensive line is a little bit scarier than Georgia's.

But that said, Missouri can at least play some damn defense of their own, right? Oh, sure. I don't think they'll be putting up 30 points. It'll be more like a 17 to nothing. Arkansas could definitely get points scored on them, not by virtue of the defense screwing up. If they drop back to pass. Yeah, yeah. Because Mizzou's got some great defensive ends.

And the chances of Arkansas really popping back to pass a lot at pretty low. This is, we're heading out of town for Thanksgiving stuff Friday, a bunch of cousins and uncles are all going to the Mizzou Arkansas game because there's family on both sides there and a couple weeks ago was like oh why the hell would they do that why not just stick around and eat

but now it's like man you guys are going to have a great time watching that game it's going to be three to three and like 50 degrees yeah it's going to be really have an awesome time that

yeah I wanted to just go ahead and we're trying to move at a fairly quick pace because we have a massive of rivalry games coming up over the extended Thanksgiving holiday so UCF South Florida oh do you're not even talking about my Ohio at Miami Ohio the battle of lesser Ohio's the battle of two teams are like ohio state isn't shit more like yeah more like and Ohio University and Ohio University the war for also Ohio yeah the war for third tier Ohio which so it's the other Miami versus the Other Ohio.

It is. It's the Other Bowl. What game do you want to watch? I'd like to watch the Other Bowl. That sounds like if you got a college student to talk about, you know, like one of those type of college students, they'll know it all. Who like words like problematic, they'd call it the Other Bowl. I find the other ring of the Other Bowl to be problematic.

Yeah, that's what it would be. Another one of my favorite thesis, I definitely didn't write the night before. race, class, and gender in the other bowl. I want to go ahead and move on to our reader questions for the night. I will go first, because I want to warm up with a question from Kaiser Troll, Tom Kaiser. To all of us, I live in the Temple Rutgers Penn State Dead Zone. What should I sacrifice to an unloving God? Well, your $3,600 rent, it's probably

where you should start move somewhere sensible, but if you can't do that, and you insist on living in America's most European city, aka the 14th best city in Europe, New York, I would go ahead. It's like, it's tied for 12, you dick. Tide for 12. With what? Vienna. You want an answer. I got one. Genoa. Genoa, Trieste. You ever been to Trieste, huh? Yeah. You try paddle and a boat around New York and then tell me it's better than Vienna. I'll tell you it's the only place people ever paddle boats, Jason. There's a triathlet doing that right now, probably. They're in the East River, yes.

The bodies are just resistance training. It's worth it. Feels so good. I sleep three hours a night. Please kill me. What should you sacrifice to an unloving God? Well, that is not just Temple Rutgers, Penn State, Dead Zone. that son is pure Rutgers territory.

So we're going to need some goods that a New Jerseyite would find appealing. We're going to need things that the average Rutgers fan uses on a daily basis. For instance, Mace. It's a Mace, pepper spray. Pastor Mace and Betha. Yep. You'll need, let's see, you'll need an axe because you'll be chopping wood. It's something that Rutgers people do religiously every day, whether they need it or not.

Uh, you need a sandwich stuffed with unnecessary appetizers. That's true. If you could make sure that that sandwich is hot and soggy by unnecessarily placing it in a press for several minutes, if possible, put some fries in there. I know that's a Pittsburgh thing, but it seems like unnecessary additives are sort of a part of the New Jersey sandwich. So go ahead. What do we put jalapeno poppers in this perfectly nice roast beef sandwich? Yeah, you need some like, you need some unnecessarily crappy form of pickle on this. there other than your average pickle so like maybe some yellow banana peppers just put those in

there because it's a salad now add some add some french onion soup on top yeah sure and the last thing i think you'll need is uh a flip phone just because you know it feels right ruckers flip phones they match in my head so i think you know you know why you know why that is they're they're way better to throw i didn't think about that yeah yeah when you're at when you're at the giants game and Eli throws a pick? Oh, man. You can really wing a flip phone. You can stock up on like a 12-pack of those.

That's right. Just keep heaving them. You're like New Jersey Batman. He's just a utility belt. It's all for fun-punch. You're like ninja stars. Well, look. Two fingers in that fancy way.

I found these three punks completely unconscious at the scene of this attempted mugging and a grateful old woman. New Jersey Batman's been here. You got the, yeah, you got the flip phone grappling hook. His parents weren't killed. They just left him there when they moved to Tampa. See you, Slater. Take care.

No! Fell to the bottom of a well, filled with flip phones. Jason, it's your question. What a weird town. This one comes to us from Ben Vance on Twitter. His handle is Ben Vance. If he had to live in one football stadium year-round, what would it be uh if you guys have any um nominees i have mine picked out i think i have a good one but

if you guys have any let's let's hear those you got one right well no i i think if i'm going to go with one i i want to live is it wrong that i want to live indoors is that like lazy of me yes but yes but we accept that okay um then i'm going to pick oh i'm going to pick the kibby dome Yep, that's mine as well I'm totally serious You both pitch the kibby dome Listen, it's the smallest stadium FBS stadium in the country

So you're getting sort of, you know, you're not feeling like you're living out in a In some sort of a wilderness You're living in a decent sized facility It hosts football and basketball So you get far more entertainment than just, you know, six football games per year And it is in doors as well. I think that's important. I'm not trying to sleep under the stars 365

days a year. Yeah. Okay, okay. What are you picking? I have a couple of suggestions. There are there is a secret that I'm going to divulge that I think helps with my choice built

into the side just sort of under one side of the stadium in Starkville. Okay? And don't laugh. because you know you have to live in this but nobody says you have to just spend your whole day there right

so yes I'd be living in Starkville Mississippi but I know for a fact okay that in the side of the stadium in Starkville there is a little sort of guest hotel all right with pretty nice

rooms in Davis Wade Stadium so you it'd be like living in a hotel huh yeah I stayed and I stayed in one when there was nowhere else and I was credentialed needed to cover the game and they kind of pulled some strings and said, cool, here, why don't you just stay in this little hotel room? It's like a nice three-star hotel, like maybe eight rooms, and, you know, you'd have made service, right, the whole time. And yes, you'd have to deal with cowbells

for what, seven nights a year. But that's just good for you. Yeah, I mean, that's just, that's just keeping the brain alert. It's just the vibrations stimulate the brain. So I'd choose that. If I don't have that choice. And since I know coaches' offices are usually equipped with full shower and pretty much everything you need to live in, I think you could do worse than Chris Peterson's office in the stadium in Washington

and Husky Stadium. That's a nice office. Well, and the view. The view is lovely, right? So you've got a great view. You have couch, TV. You have your own bathroom. He's got a trophy that's a horse's butt. And he's got a trophy that's got a horse's butt. So those would be my two choices. And

you would live near Ryan and I the kiby dome you could come visit because we damn sure ain't leaving the kibby don't in our federation of well-heeled stadium hobos what you've also missed out on is now jason and i are only paying half rent sucker dang it you know the other one that i would each of us is only paying 8000 people's rent for a whole year that's true i got to pay like 80 damn it i would also blindly if i just had to guess there's probably some sinister luxury living arrangements somewhere in that stadium in Austin, somewhere in Joe Jamel field. There's some, like, high,falutin suite, complete with, like, you know, like, basically a Coke orgy room.

Like the George Bush suite? Yeah, there's some, yeah, it might be the Joe Jamal suite. That sounds just, that sounds delightfully decadent. Yeah, I'll go ahead and take a guess on that, too. Ryan, what's your question? sticking in the realm of stadiums, Bill Kenney, at the Bill Kenney, asks what current stadium in FBS would be the worst to host a bowl game? The Kimby Dome.

The Kimby Dome is up there. It's not my choice. However, I thought about this pretty carefully, and I don't think it's going to be popular. I'm going to say Martin Stadium in Pullman. Oh, but you can get so drunk. you can and that's literally all you'll be able to do when you're going to a late December like who wants to say hey we're going to a bowl game in Pullman December 28th you can get incredibly drunk now is this this is FBS only was it FBS only I'm going to go with UMass's stadium it's it's tiny the weather is hellish the locals are the locals are irate chalet stadium sir No, I mean, Warren McGurk Alumni Stadium in Hadley, Massachusetts.

In Hadley. Also, if Foxborough, that also sounds bad, so the state of Massachusetts. Based on what I saw this weekend, Bobby Bowden Field at Doe Campbell Stadium would be a pretty bad choice for a bowl game because you have to tell them they're going to Tallahassee. Another option here would definitely be Ryan Field, Northwestern Stadium. That would be just... Yeah, because at least Tallahassee'd be warm. Right, and think about how tepid and uninteresting

Northwestern games are when Northwestern's playing at Northwestern. Like, if you just had a random bowl game in the middle of December outside of Chicago... Oh, man, let me give you the one that's like the one that would be complete pain. and that would be Kelly Short Stadium, Mount Pleasant Michigan. Central Michigan, like way up in the mitten. Have you ever seen a game broadcast from there

on some unfortunate Maction-loaded night deep in November? It has that kind of purplish-pitched, black, dark, cold in the background that just screams to a certain part of your brain. Wolves! wolves It's bad

If the factor here is like Which city would make a team most say I don't know if we're going to go through with this man I mean what about something like Las Cruces Well can I mention another's team that is a Division 1 FBS team That we might have slept on Which would be lovely Paulson Stadium in Statesboro, Georgia Going to Statesboro?

You know what? The Nats aren't bad this time of year. Yeah, there's no Nats, and it'll be about 60 degrees. No, the Nats are all in the stadium. That's where they stay in the winter. It's more of it here. The Nats huddle together like nanomachines in the cold, and they're capable of building stuff like bigger Nats. It's an educational experience.

Come to the bowl game and bring your professors. We form one supernat that the locals worship. it's like the end of the whichever matrix it was and his name is paul johnson and they call it the natrix the natrix uh we're gonna get my second question will be from a little known uh upstart television franchise called the longhorn network america's favorite cooking channel uh evidently because their question is tricks for a perfect hard-boiled egg salt vinegar alton brown says use the oven this gives me an opportunity to tell you about Alton Brown, who I have met is a very nice

human being and produces entertaining television shows and I would like to say this. I think Alton Brown would be the worst human being in the world to live with. I don't know if I could stand more than 15 minutes around him. There is not a tool or a gadget he will not complicate

a simple task with. He will make an omelet, a technical affair. he's probably the kind of person who would attempt to find a secondary use for all those firearms he has and not even in that entertaining Homer kind of way where I'll open my beer with my pistol.

Nope, Gunnott Alton's looking for a way to make the perfect steak with that AR-15 he's got. Just because he can. The complete opposite of me in terms of how things would be done on a day-to-day basis in the kitchen anywhere.

Like, oh, you're going to cook that hamburger. See, what I like to do with the hamburger is, it's a hamburger. I already ate it. I'm done. It's done. I didn't even cook it. Are you trying to tell me you don't use guns in the kitchen, Spencer? That's how un-American I am.

Well, then you're... That's news to me, quite frankly. Well, you do live in Cobb County. What do you mean? You don't make cereal with your pistol. Well, hold on. It doesn't have to be regional. Nigella loss and suddenly.

You live down the street from Gucci, Maine. Do you think Come on Do you think Gucci uses guns in the kitchen? I'm sure he pays someone to use guns in his kitchen Well that's fine

He can do that He's not doing the cooking himself You're like what's in this BLT? Oh, it's a gun It's a gun That'd be really funny If I actually did just live down the street From Gucci

Like I need to borrow some salt Knock knock knock Excuse me, Robert Hey Excuse me First of all Yes I brought ice

So Yeah But yeah That's Alton Brown says Use the oven Don't use the oven Don't use the oven

Don't fall into one Of Alton Brown's weird You know You can Use your pressure cooker To make a diamond No don't Use the oven for eggs

Use the oven for a Perfect hard boiled egg That's bullshit You want to make a Perfect hard boiled egg I don't have all fucking day Yeah exactly Like you know

Do you want to smoke your meat? He's like You can make a smoker out Of a cardboard box or you could buy a smoker. Well, all you need is a temperature greet. No, go buy that thing. If you really want to make that thing,

or better still, go buy it from someone who knows how to make it. Yeah, but you know what? You know what he's sneakily doing here? He's teaching doomsday preppers how to cook. This is all leading to her sneaking suspicion that Elton Brown is actually like an insane apocalyptic profit. You know, you don't need to buy propane because the government tracks that.

Yeah, but when it all kicks down, he's going to be the kind of person who goes insane in that situation because he doesn't have an infrared thermometer, right? Like, they're all around the campfire and they're like, oh, we found this possum, and we can eat it. He's like, what you really need is an infrared thermo?

No! Internal temperatures. Like Burgess Meredith, when he breaks his glasses. Can't read all the books in the library after everyone else in the world's gone. That's you, Alton Brown. So to answer the question, how to make a perfect horrible egg,

buy one. Go be a lazy person to buy one of those awful salmonella loaded sacks they sell in Publix. Let's be honest, that should be the most University of Texas answer possible. Go buy one. Don't go, don't go make it yourself. Just go buy that shit. Go buy the most expensive one you can find.

That's right. Also, you know, hard-boiled egg, there's no such thing as a perfect hard-boiled egg. It's like a perfect white tube sock. Yeah, I don't like them. I mean, just make a hard-boiled egg. Just boil it. Don't be Alton Brown.

Alton Brown's... Make a better kind of egg. Alton Brown's perfectly nice, and his approach sucks because I'm a person who likes to waste time. So there. Brian? This question comes from Alex Lewis

at a Big Cat L-92. Was Virginia Tech, Wake Forest, going to overtime at zero-zero. Peak ACC. I am tempted to say no here Because to me, peak ACC is, A, not going to overtime, because overtime draws attention, and B, not doing something sort of just middlingly.

ACC is not defined as being truly abjectly shitty, and that's why this game stood out. A more ACC score for this game would have been Virginia Tech 10, Wake Forest 6. I think that would have been peak ACC. 10-6. That sounds like that Wake Forest Georgia Tech ACC title game. That was peak ACC. Yeah, see? Yeah, they agree.

That was nine six. Nine-six. Yeah, that's peak ACC. With like 47 people in attendance. Because even bad can be interesting. And to be peak ACC, you can't be interesting. I was trying to decide my favorite image from the year so far. And it may be Frank Beamer with fist triumphantly in the air.

as the score says zero-zero over time. Against Wake Forest. Against Wake. I like to imagine that he's... It's still yet to average more than a yard per carry against FBS opponents. In my mind, he's raising his arms in triumph because he's been locked in a battle with football for, you know, three decades, and he's finally killed it. I killed you football!

I got you, son of a bitch. I'm finished. Finally, I did it. I made it perfect. and now the bowling pins are broken and it's dead on the floor. I did that. Jason, your question.

This one comes to us from John Runs Fast on Twitter. Goes by the name John. I love this question. Why won't Mike Smith of the Atlanta Falcons pull up Petrino and accept the Florida job mid-season? And I know of no good reason why Mike Smith won't be the next coach of the Florida Gators, perhaps even tomorrow morning.

He's got Florida connections, coached with the Jags, college connections in the south. He hails from Tennessee University. He's a defensive-minded head coach. Your university seems to like that based on their previous hire. So I think he's the man for the job. We'll go ahead and chip him on down. I hate you.

You're going to have a really good time. You know, I think I'm going to have a really good time out and not talk to you for a minute. No, I think, I think, I think you said that unnecessarily. I think this would be amazing. Just a timeout. I'm just going to take one right here. Just one, even though you have one, I'm just going to take one.

What would really be amazing is when Mike Smith starts out like three and five, and he's like, well, our goal is to just, you know, get a wild card spot. We're not playing for draft. Wait, what? Oh, oh, shit. I just like that Mike Smith, after, this is, after being Captain, Captain Risk Taker, after being kind of, you know, free and loose in his first year, they go, they go for it, and they miss it in a crucial situation, I believe, in his second year, when they get to the playoffs. And then after that, he completely turtles up.

Like, there's no actual method to anything. He's like, I'm just scared now. That's basically what happened Yeah, he was a He was a gambling type And then I don't know Maybe Arthur Blank stabbed him or something That's actually one of his favorite management techniques

Stabbing people I can't get sick if I never go outside The fun thing is Speaking of press conferences Is he would issue the same one at the college level High School level as the president of the United States As a CEO of McDonald's any job on God's Greener

if he would issue the exact same press conference win or lose we've got things to get corrected we didn't give up too many explosive plays all that type of stuff so seamless transition I thought the meat department of Winn-Dixie could have been better today

we'll review the tape and get it corrected you know we it's about it's about the little things it's about making sure every piece is sliced equally that's on me that's on me as the assistant deli manager

yeah so y'all you all really y'all like him he's a nice guy i can't wait as far as i'm concerned he's already the frontrunner moving on to this week a massive week which hopefully will completely screw up any remaining threat of certainty

we have in the college football season that would be rivalry weekend thanksgiving weekend going into this there are so many opportunities for things to suck gloriously and for upsets to completely ruin lies. For instance, starting with one of my favorite games of rivalry weekend, that would be, oh yeah, Georgia, Georgia Tech.

In case you wanted to watch one fan base so desperate to beat another, get a glimmer of hope, and then have it shut on them forever. That would be Georgia Tech going up against Georgia, with Georgia Tech being the hopeful ones. so i asked this question on twitter on over the weekend i said because i i actually was curious about this i said if you're a georgia fan and you had to choose between losing to georgia tech but missou loses so you get to go to the cc championship game or you beat georgia tech but mazou wins and you're not winning the ccc so which would you choose and nobody picked the option where they go to the s like for all it's for all mark rick

talk about like this team's focus on making it to the conference championship and winning conference they didn't give a shit about that no i'll tell you the dynamic in that rivalry is every georgia tech fan wakes up every morning obsessed with uh how mean and evil georgia is and uh every georgia fan just sort of has this pit of despair in their stomach that someday uh when they least expect it they'll lose to georgia tech yeah yeah there was a i was listening to talk radio not by choice And the question came up, would you rather beat Florida State or would you rather beat Georgia, addressed to tech fans? To a man, to a man. It was so, you could have put anything in place of Florida State.

They all chose Georgia. You could be like, so we have your firstborn suspended over a pit of molten lead. I choose Georgia. I choose Georgia. Firstborn goes. I can have more children, even if I can. there are other children in the world you know adoption's a great thing go jackets all of them so I'm looking forward to the frustration and hatred that are just

bound to come out of that otherwise sort of strategically unimportant game given the larger scene that both teams sort of inhabit the week after what are you looking for oh heck I hadn't even been looking at the schedule well that's a really good one That's right on the noon spot to open Saturday. Let's not overlook Thanksgiving Day itself. When coming into the season, we'd all done a good bit of chuckling about Texas replacing A&M with TCU and then A&M going and upgrading and fixing themselves up with LSU.

And now, lo and behold, what's the bigger game? It's TCU, Texas. Funny how things always work out for the longhorns. I mean, like LSU A&M is like about as meaningless as an SEC game. between like two teams with winning records could possibly be there's nothing at stake whereas Texas can wreck somebody's national title hopes and and by the way i think if you've gotten this far in the podcast this is where i say i think they will oh yeah nobody

everybody heard that your secret's safe oh you saucy bitch you saucy bitch yeah no i think texas beats them i because i think texas is just playing they're one of those teams along with the courtly gentlemanly Arkansas Razorbacks that nobody wants to play right now. And fortunately, they don't have to because we don't just make games up as we go. Well, but then TCU should just stay ahead of Baylor because that just hurts a good win for Baylor.

Baylor loses a quality win. We'll just bump that up and be like, hey, Florida State, sorry you lost a spot to TCU. I know they lost, but Texas got their own network. What you got? Baylor falls to 11th because of the Csew's loss. Oh, shit. Baylor, what do you got, huh?

It's funny because it's not impossible. It's not impossible. It really might happen. Ryan, what else are you looking at? Okay, so right, right, everybody is going to be paying attention to Michigan, Ohio State at the noon spot, I think because it will be a bloodletting. But I will still pay a lot of mind to South Carolina Clemson, also at noon on Saturday. Because this is the worst South Carolina's been in a number of years. And I still am not, I still cannot say like, oh, yeah, Clemson's still going to lose.

Clemson mustered 28 points against Georgia State. It's going to, I think Clemson will put on their best offensive performance since Deshaun Watson's injury, and I think they'll still lose. I mean, South Carolina's defense is about as bad as Georgia states, but I think you're going to need more than 28. Poor Davo Swinny is just going to, his mind is going to melt down if he loses to this South Carolina. So you all think Florida hires him after that? Yeah, absolutely, yeah. Like a loss to a pitiful South Carolina team, Foley's jumping all over that.

I assume we're hiring him as Mike Smith's offensive coordinator. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And recruiting coordinator, because the- That's what I really want to see, is dabbo to go out and, like, harvest all the valuable hardwoods and, you know, magnificent, expensive, like, glorious resources of the SEC recruiting rainforest, right? Just bring it all in. And then I want to see Mike Smith turn all of it into plywood.

That's, that's... I made mulch. Look, I made mulch. Yeah, exactly. You took a $500,000 chunk of mahogany. Yep, planted roses in it, right over there. Wulch is good everywhere. A table is only...

good in some places. Maltz doesn't give up very many explosive plays. Just keeps it in place. I would also look on that Friday, November 28th day after Thanksgiving. Oh yeah. Oh, it's fire. Like fire throughout that entire

schedule because there's Virginia at Virginia Tech, which is going to be hilariously videocer. Stanford at UCLA where you get to see the pretty good UCLA Bruins see if they can actually score on Stanford, which I think they will. And my favorite game of the day, after you watch Arkansas, pommel, Missouri, and probably

get them to score negative points. Arizona State at Arizona on Fox at 2.30. Man, just coasting past Nebraska, Iowa there. Yes, please. Speeding. We've got shopping to do. Accelerating. All right, so let's say this.

Don't watch Nebraska, Iowa. Do try to watch the post game just to see how far Bo, Bo, Prox. Polini goes and is, yeah, fire me. See if I fucking care. Go ahead and shoot my whole family. Whatever. Can I remind you of something? Something that's going to make you giggle before I even finish this sentence.

What's Nebraska's current record? They have three losses. They have three losses. Don't do it, man. If they lose to Iowa, they'll be eight and four. Then they'll probably face Georgia and beat them in a bowl. game. Oh, that's nine and four.

And then they'll finish nine and four. After starting, what? Seven and seven and no, seven and one. September 4th, Bo Polini day. Every year. Nine four.

It could happen. But yeah, the there we go. The Copper State, the Copper State Showdown, Arizona State at Arizona. I love that game. It's going to be an absolute mess, and everyone should watch it for that reason.

As for Saturday, Florida Florida State, if you're into, you know, oh, feudal efforts. And you mean F-E-U-D, right? I mean both. Like, hey. Feudal efforts. Well, much time's just out there digging up dirt. That's sad. A seed drill's a tool of the devil.

I believe in the divine right of kings. Just slash and burn offense. Take all those points you got, burn to the ground. That's what you're going to be watching with Florida on the road at Florida State. Florida State will win by a field goal. That's how that works. Yep. Yep.

Minnesota at Wisconsin, if you're into man ball, you're into burly. That's a good one. If you're into, like, grim comedy, you could watch the Egg Bowl, because Old Miss is going to get hammered. Yeah, that's the, man. We were on course for, you know, the hands down biggest egg bowl ever and all that stuff, and now Ole Miss might finish 8 and 4. Yep, and that's done. So you don't need to watch that.

You don't need to watch Notre Dame at USC either. Fuck no. And you definitely don't need to watch Rutgers at Maryland. Saturday sounded worse and worse. Up until you get to 645. ESPN, the night game. They took it, took it away from CBS. Iron Bowl.

Iron Bowl, 645. Auburn could ruin Alabama's entire C. And I do believe is totally capable of doing that. Now, Spencer, where are you right now? I would be sitting in Atlanta, Georgia. Well, because you're reading Central Times, sir. I fear you've been... I always read off a full disclosure.

I always read off the LSU football net. Oh, okay. I was just saying it sounds like the Birmingham offices have gotten to you. Well, Mike Smith called a time out on my clock. And held it. Stopped it up for an hour. Just stopped it up for an hour, trying to get the perfect play for third and two. Now, did we breeze past Pitt, Miami?

Yes, we did. Yes, we did. Didn't breeze. Skipped laughing, right past it. Hey, for fans of mayhem, there's BYU at Cal. What? Wait, that's... You're not even making that up.

That's a real game. Yeah, they hate each other. Who, boy, a lot of hatred on the line there. Actually, they probably would not get along very well. No, exactly. Like, what do you guys like to do for fun? I think two different bands of extremely nice people, but on the, like, different poles of niceness.

And let's point out the nightcap that is going to be one team swinging a baseball bat held the wrong way versus one team firing a grenade launcher that's pointed sideways, Washington at Washington State. Well, when we were talking about USC earlier, you know, it was the every week is a totally scrambled result. That was Washington for like a solid nine or ten games. I don't know if they've got all the sark out of them or if they're still capable. But we will find out for damn, I'm sure, against Washington State. Because the coups bring that out to anybody. Washington just keeps going back to the doctor.

Yeah, you've got to metabolize the sark. I don't know what to talk. Are you running? Are you drinking a lot of water? That's a 1030 kick when you're probably hanging out with your family and doing what Americans do, which is eating and not moving a lot. Talking about politics. Talking about politics, you're going to need it.

10.30 Eastern kick for the Apple Cup. Not quite the Craple Cup of so many years ago, and I believe we had a 1 in 9 Washington team versus an 0 and 10 Washington State

team. I miss you, Paul Wolf. How much drinking would you do if you're at a 3 and 8 Washington State team kicking off at 7.30 at night local time? You've been drinking since like the night before. I think you look

over at your friend. And especially this is in Pullman, so it already looks like that planet, they land on an interstellar. And you're probably so drunk, you're like, what just took us five minutes is five years in the rest of the world. That's how drunk you'd be. Yeah.

We'd stop there. All right.