Shutdown Fullcast - ShutdownFullcast216

Episode Date: January 12, 2015

SHUTDOWN FULLCAST BACK. For the first time all three of us are in the same room AND actually guest-edited by Ty from the Solid Verbal, so if we sound even more mellifluous than usual it's because of superior production, not any appreciable incrase in talent, planning, or execution. (Those remain haphazard as always.) The topics for the week include: --Ryan and Jason doing duelling Andrew Luck imitations for four minutes --Why everyone is always polite at a gun range --Did you hear that Florida State lost by 39 points #talkinboutthenoles --New reader questions, including setting up the best possible fights between teams for the 2015 season --Actual title game talk, if you happen to make it all the way to the 35 minute mark Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome, everyone, to a first in the history of the shutdown fullcast. That would be all of us being in the same room and moderated by a semi-professional producer with professional standards. That would be me, Spencer Hall, of Every Day Should Be Saturday and SB Nation. Joining me across this pool table in beautiful Dallas, Texas, Jason Kirk. Texas. Oh, that was pretty good. Texes. We've come up with as many distorted and tortured pronunciations of the word Texas as possible.

None exceeded by reality, of course. We can't quite do it right. That includes Ryan, Nanny, sending a cross from me here. Texas. That's terrible. Texas. It's deplored. You're all really terrible at this.

You gave us microphones. Get along now Hold on, can I try Andrew Luck, Texas? Go ahead. Yes, this is Andrew Luck in a Texas Texas. I'm excited to be here in Texas.

Okay, the back hole is a great store of Texas. Of course, my dad from Texas, I was a really loving quarterback. I like driving, I like riding horses. Where am I hot. What's your favorite horse armor in Dungeons and Dragons? I think Lander. I prefer the amethyst.

It is impermeable against fire. I think that's too showy There's not a Do you don't lose any points for being shiry? I'm not about relying on my arbor I feel that as far as more That is important to have a showy horse Because it helps you get more to your character

That's true I don't play for the Colts When I and Jim Ursaie are playing Dungeons and Dragons We don't really dispute you as the service force Please please please please I'm going to interrupt you Andrew Luck would not play Dungeons and Dragons he'd be more of a shadow run man he'd be a cyborg future with dragons I'm intrigued

remember this is the week that Andrew Luck actually did say that he had a book on concrete that was fascinating like he was trying to show his teammates that play SimCity the way you're supposed to I'm very excited about these water pipes Andrew Luck is actually the guy on YouTube who hacked like SimCity to figure out the maximum possible number of people

I did a speed run on SimCity check this shit out I got 65 billion people in 10 pixels. Yeah. I guess this is about Bill of people. You're not, bitch.

I'm worried about their living conditions, but they seem pretty happy. Stadium, stadiums, stadiums. Do you want the stadium to be publicly funded? Yes. Hell of us. Yes. It gives the people a connection to the 10.

I like to have one dark archaeology in there, so they have some adversity to overcome. He went dark archology. And that would be the Jacksonville. It was the darkest. Sarcology of the Arcology of the AFC South. By the way, we just had a core breach and containment

and toxic, like the toxicity level of this podcast. You went Jacksonville core breach and like five minutes from the start. Actually, we've talked the NFL for like four minutes now. Oh, well, we have to stop that. We've got a long offseason ahead of us. Thus far, by the way, my most outstanding

experience in Texas has been going to a gas station that had everything known to man within the of the gas station, which I've been to a Buckees before, and a Buckees has this jerky Somalié who will come up to you at the... I don't know what the hell that word means. It's a jerky Ciceroon, sir.

Yes, it is. Your jerky wrangler. Is that like a pomehorse? In Texas, that's a jerky ranger. Yeah, it's like a palm horse. It's the uneven bars of jerky. You do. You enter the Buckees by vaulting into it, and on dismount, if you're above a 4.0 or better,

free jerky. Free jerky. This state believes in competition and performance, and they reward it with salted meat, but we're going to run 83 minutes this. You're damn right. I'm just telling Ty to give us a warning at the 40 minute, 40 minutes. Just let us know. Which we'll all ignore. Yeah, the 40 minute warning. All right, halfway there. I mean, we'll see that shit. We're really a cricket podcast if you want to get down to it in terms of how things happen. Your mic might stretch outside. Yeah, I'll be right. That's true. Jason, Jason Kirk needs to go outside and have dogs howl at him.

I'll be on the roof. But you know you're in Dallas, by the way, when you go by an apartment complex and it's 30 degrees and there's a pit bull out in the porch that somebody left out there who's looking at you like, what are you doing out here? That's my street. You a cop. Are you police? Never trust police. Only your fist will save you.

Hey, partner, are you holding? Yeah, you holding? Huh? Are you up, Bay? Come on. But we went to Fuel City tacos. If you didn't see it, I did a really good Elton John imitation for most of the video and sang some Whalen Jennings.

But this is a gas station where they have. following they have longhorns in the back and a camel and a camel and a zebra okay who i'm told is totally happy living in a spot by the levee and the overpass in dallas this is a place that has a brew through so you can get your your beer it's a place that has a large plastic velociraptor like a good eight foot tall plastic velociraptor and a mexican dude named raoul who shows up with a karaoke cart so and just dances he just dances and sings to this parking lot full of people bumping gas charge for others to use the karaoke card none wow zero you can tip raoul but it is free karaoke is there a state tax there is no state tax on karaoke instead no sir yeah i know i mean

god bless texas no state tax on karaoke unlike you california home of the rose bowl home of the Rose Bowl. You take that, Jim Delaney. And in addition to all that, had the sort of like hot corn dish. I forget the name of it. Elote. Correct. Yeah, they had alote and they had tacos. So for $1.50, you could just buy a beautiful pocket of freedom known as the Piccadilla taco there. That has been my most Texas experience thus far. What say you, Jason? I saw a billboard for truck wreck lawyers, plural, indicating that not only are there so many. any truck wrecks in the great state of Texas that you need a lawyer who specializes only in truck trucks trucks now not cars no trucks yeah he's a partner who's familiar with the you know

the bed statute of of 1978 of the uh of the cab uh including a water bed of 20 2012 every cab had to have a water bed controversial 70s were a sexy decade you know of the urban cowboy of the f-150 ban which was you know that resulted in the war of Trailer Hitch Law alone, voluminous in this seat. God, it's like a whole year, in it? Have you seen, by the way,

this is a Louisiana, Texas thing, that they have the truck law, and the ads are hilarious because they're like, have you been run off the road? Not by a truck driver, but by a huge truck. And they showed this, like,

giant 18-wheeler barreling down on somebody. Like it's Stephen King. Like their sharks roaming. The highways of our nation. As a truck possessed by the devil himself, run you off the road. As a Sooners fan. What is due you?

And in Louisiana, they all probably have an old misticker on the front, right? Like, Oh, yeah, yeah. Go ribs. Has a delightful dandy and a semi-truck run you off the road? But we talked about, Jason and I saw this sign together, we talked about that you have to have two, at least, truck lawyers. Just to handle the load. Because you can't just, you can't handle the pressure of being the truck lawyer.

I mean, what if your daughter has middle school graduation? You want to go to that. Yeah, yeah. You need backup. It's like Big Boy said, a junkie stay at Junkie 365. That's how truck wreck law is in the state of Texas. It's Christmas Day.

No, bro. You're going to go work a truck wreck case. I'm a husband by choice and a truck wreck lawyer by birth. This baby's about to drop. But Leroy, your truck lawyer client needs you. Get the hell on. Go lawyer some truck wrecks.

Which one do you even start with? this plague in Texas is one of the more endearing things Ryan what has have you seen that has endeared you to this magnificent I like to call Texas

like America Plus Right This is America plus It's America It's like when they It's like in the late 90s When they were like hey You like Coke

What if it had more What if we added caffeine pills What if Moon Rock What if we layered Coke and heroin? Yeah uh my answer is barbecue yeah we got to go to the pecan lodge because of dan rubinstein and his fine show easy call but not just barbecue so we showed up while they were in peak lunchtime service we walked right in the front door past the line that was going out the onto the sidewalk in the

cold and nobody said a damn thing you're right and in new york city i would have had a bottle thrown at my neck i would i would have whipped that dude's ass but what happened and no everybody was just nice and happy to give us a lot of brisket can i posit why you did not have a bottle thrown at your neck or why no ass whipping was involved because i look like i'll fucking wreck a motherfucker well there's that there's that's that's one theory that's a popular theory never mind that we're all at least 10 pounds overweight because it's the end of the season no see i'm just going with wrecker motherfucker as my 2015 resolution because i went to a gun range yeah and in texas the most polite place in the world is not a church

it's not a hospital it's not some grandmother's house it's a gun range i have never been to a place where people are nicer to each other than a texan gun range and it's real easy to figure out why they're all strapped like the five foot one girl behind the counter has one on her ankle and one in the cleft of her ass it's like the end of war games i'll tell you right now there's a thing about you know gun culture that they say that you never feel safer than when you're around a bunch of responsible gun owners who have guns and all. And you can sort of talk yourself into that. You know, if you go to a gun show or a gun range in Texas or whatever,

you get this sort of, well, if anything jumps off, I'll just duck. These guys will take care of it. Yeah, and everybody has to be extremely nice because. Yeah, because you don't know what you're up against. You don't want to be the one who is the thing that jumps off. Manners. Manners are pretty mandatory when everyone has large caliber weapons. All of them.

The state itself is the host to the official title. Can we reel off the whole thing at once? Jason Kurt. It is the college football playoff champion national championship presented by sponsor. I ain't going to say that shit. North Texas. It's a goddamn dollar. North Texas.

North Texas edition. It's not in Dallas. It's not in Dallas. If you say this game is in Dallas, you will get well actually so hard by all of Dallas Fort Worth. And if you say that- But it's not in Dallas. And it's in a very important suburb with a big alien spaceship next to the Walmart. Yeah.

Yeah, it's terrifying. It is because this is a number of satellite communities that all get very particular and very bent when you say that one particular bit of flat ice-caped landscape looks different than another. Are we going to have to go through this when the Braves host the Super Bowl? Bear with me. Bear with me. When the Braves host a Super Bowl in 2025 and people say, oh, the Super Bowl is in Atlanta. Are people in Cobb County going to say, um, excuse me, it's not in Atlanta. Is this normal?

Yeah, yeah, this is just Texas behavior. No, no, this is what people do. My understanding of Georgia's geography is by that point, you will have twice as many counties at that point anyway. Well, that's probably right. So the city will straddle three different counties. Yeah, we'll even get particular. We'll be like, where section are you sitting in? 315?

Well, that's not Atlanta. That's Chubb County. Yeah, that's sub-Cob County. That's his name. county that's over there in big boss man land oh yeah it'll be the ITP folks will be like section 302 that's cool that's real cool right there yeah you can be there and not be racist every everybody else in the stadium is racist oh that's that slim cut of calhoun county yeah let's be honest if any franchise and professional sports could have racist and non-racist seating and have

demand for the racist seating probably like signage probably have signage in the racist seating it would probably be the Atlanta Braves. You could probably have like different music playing. This is family safe music. It's not that urban music here over there. This is here sections for Hawks fans. Bring them out, bring them out. Go Hawks, by the way.

They see T.I. sitting in Section 302, Roe 57Z. In a throne? Because they've got to get him in the stadium somehow. But that is the full, grandiose name plus sponsor of this championship game being held out at Jerry Jones. Enormous single testicle buried deep in the ground in, and I believe Arlington, Texas. Arlington, Texas. Across from Walmart.

No, no lie. The championship game is being played across from Walmart. You can at this exact moment, actually, whenever you're living. listening. If it's 3 a.m., you can go buy a rifle, walk it across the street, and stand at the Dallas Cowboys Stadium at this exact moment. Skip Bayless to fight you, and he won't show up. He won't show up.

Like a bitch. With or without rifle. We know you're listening, Skip. We know you're listening, Skip. You didn't show up. Three o'clock Walmart parking lot. Your tiny shrimp-shaped ass is there, and I couldn't sit on you. It'll hurt forever, Skip, and that's your fault.

I know. You'll take that burn. You're going to deal with that burn, okay? you'll check into the burn ward because that's how burnt you are for not showing up at the Walmart eat it skip Bayless you hopeless deals great buys prices are falling every day they have greeters skip half off ass weapons yeah so that's a price shop we're gonna put those local asswifins out of business you find asswhip on the internet for less mom and pop asswins are done Walmart's moving in I'll match that price on that way are they trying to unionize asswippins

that's good we're gonna get these made in China bring them over make 400% put on it. It's full of lead. We can't even keep this shelf stock full of asswomen. You OxyCon addicted Cretans won't even notice. We've got rifles. Yeah, we got groceries and pizzas. Walmart. We got rifles and frozen and Icies. Texas. Texas. Great step of camps. Camp chairs, Icies, rifles. Can you imagine? Tailgates at like a cowboys game. It's like Eagles fan talking shit. Oh, well, I'm going to go buy fucking rifle. Here you go, skim bailess. Here's an icy and an ass weapon for that ass. It's diet cherry,

you bitch. It solves its own problem. I just gave you a circular argument. Do you think, do you You see Walmart sells its own Skip Bayliss? Like a Walmart brand? Like a Walmart brand? Clay Travis? Like a new. I love you, Clay. I don't.

Sponsor does love you, Clay. He's more of a bass pro shop, Skip Bayless. I'll be, to be fair. We'll be charitable, right? Well, actually, to be fair. Well, actually. Well, so how we got here is of some import, because it involves embarrassing to programs that we normally do

nothing but praise and say good things about and that would be the program we enjoy talking about most we enjoy more than anything else talking about the knolls talking about the nose the nose talking about them noes that's what we enjoy talking about that

program that came from nothing in the 70s to beat Nebraska at home to win multiple national championships to dominate the state of Florida yeah it's just hard to find other people who want to talk about the knolls is it You know, like, you'll put something up on SBNation that's not about Florida State at all, and you just hope maybe somebody will amble on and say, hey, what's this got to do with James Winston? You can talk about it, but it never happens.

The very first thing we put up about 2015 was a super early top 10 featuring three people in this room. The very first comment is about the nose. About the nose. Talking about the nose. Disrespecting them. And I had to say thank you to that commenter because we hadn't been talking about the nose and wrong. So we all showed up for the Rose Bowl. yeah okay which is where admittedly every other national title game should be texas needs one

you're going to give it to you know super america america plus but the rose bowl i really thought i thought the knolls had this just sewn up i was ready to see them just advance and prove me right by winning by a field goal which is what the knolls have done all year long right and then disaster struck in the third quarter who boy did it i know you're picturing the vine right now, just go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead and go look at the vine. Do it. It's James Winston. You can handle that. I keep falling in and out. No, no, keep going. No, that's great. Maybe it's, maybe it was a meme to vine. Maybe they added Jim Ross audio. Maybe they added NBA stuff. You know, maybe it's just straight up. Maybe it's just pure. Yeah. Or you could get the

one I enjoyed most, which is, of course, Yacchity Sacks. Yeah. The Benny Hill theme played as James Winston scrambles out from a tackle, spins, and then spins miraculously backwards with the ball, and throws it, like a good seven yards behind him. Just pitching it to Jesus. Yeah, just pitching it to. Ain't James's fault. Jesus can't hold on to the ball. Tell him. Yeah, he was doing what he did.

He just gave him to faith. Okay. He laid his yes on the table. He did. He laid, yeah, he did. He put his yes on the table. He said, amen, and put the ball seven yards behind him in the hands of an Oregon defender. Who barreled his fat-ass down.

on the field for a touchdown. So FSU Twitter, take it out on Joel Osteen. Yeah, you could. That's what I encourage you do, FSU Twitter. Take it out on Joel Osteen. He made that fumble happen. Let's start this fight. Right now.

So I don't know. I mean, I don't want to speak too badly about this. You know, how much longer can I keep this facade before just admitting what I did. Dive in. What I did during that. He's sexy with it. I did. I really did put on the entire album, Anita Baker Rapture.

The minute the third quarter started, just muted the broadcast. Put on sweet love. Oh, that's what the broadcast. was oh it was yeah oh yeah yeah i was a redundancy as usual when kerb street was dogging out fsu players for doing as the rose bowl instructed them to do and getting the fuck off the field so the winning team could celebrate that all you heard was so you're telling me james winson broke the rules again yes he did damn in the name sportsmanship that asshole we did we did get to see jimbo fisher and his angry face his angry lunch lady face right like calm the

you don't calm the fuck down James I'm going to put you on the bench it's calm the fuck down and I'll put you on the bench are not they're not congruous right no I've seen this face before by the way and it's when my friends and I in middle school were throwing beef stroganoff across the cafeteria and the lunch lady came out like hey well if here's the thing if james was from anywhere but Alabama and someone had said that to him in exactly the same way I don't know if it would quite connect but Jim right man that's a good coach for Southern kids it's just like it's like if your mom said if you kids don't quiet the fuck down I will not buy you Kirby's adventure it's like all right I'm quieting the fuck down if you don't

quiet the fuck down you're going to the bench classic Kirby bias classic by by how many points do they end up losing that game by 39 30 wow 30 that's the same that's the same reaction urban Meyer had later that night is this where we can play New York Knicks or Florida State Seminoles. Ooh! No one's just tanking for that draft pick. Now, the moment for me was when we got to see Seminole block in Seminole, which there was a moment. Well, yeah, yeah.

There was a moment. It was actually during an FSU touchdown, which they only got, I believe, two of those, so we ought to treasure both of them. But there is a moment where FSU's left tackle and FSU's H-back, which was Nick O'Leary on this play, they collided. Dick O'Leary got laid the fuck out. And if you'll recall a year before, Gator blocking Gator was the big moment

of the internet for the entire season. So to see it happen to FSU in a game in which they got destroyed that just made internet me indescribably happy. You know, not, you two, you know, Florida fans root against FSU. I don't really have a dog in the fight, but seeing FSU really get like an ocean

of its own medicine, that was, that filled my soul. Yes. It was a magnificence because that was just a minor detail. Yeah, that was nothing. That's the greatest part. Like, it was such a landslide of atrocity, that that was just, oh, that happened. And then the next thing.

Your house burned down, and also your refrigerator was out of warranty. Your house burned down, but your cat did this really funny thing on the way out. James Winston, my cat. Your cat also escaped. Yeah, your cat also escaped him. Your cat's alive. Yeah, and then was hit by a tractor trailing. And declared for the NFL. Name the Oregon Ducks.

The other game that got us here would be Alabama, Ohio State, which I don't know whether we were more shocked by, by Florida State losing as badly as they did, and it didn't really mean quite as much, but it's more stunning for Alabama to lose like that. Yeah. They had only lost, what, like five games under Nick Saban that they were leading at halftime? Yeah. It's some absurd number. It may be lower.

Yeah. I think the number was two, and they were both to Auburn. Okay, that won't burn. One was the Cam Newton game and one was the kick six game. And then, old Urban, join the club. But no, they made him quit, Jason. Yeah, yeah. They made Urban's ass quit.

Quit playing Bama because he beat him. You know, and you can only beat Bama for 60 minutes. That is how the end of the game works, I guess. I mean, he couldn't continue beating Bama, so he had to quit. Good job, Bama. You made Urban's ass quit. he got tired of beating you no no no you see you've read this the whole entire wrong way okay Sabin both giveth and taketh okay he he he put urban down he put him down into the dirt and

then rose him back up and then like Jesus just put his healing hand on him and brought him back to life just brought him years later yeah three years yeah three years I think it's sure to say urban Meyer is in Alabama math is a next Sabin product he just gray shirted in there to the Lord Sabin is as three years need be to us via arbitrary math right so our Meyer got gray-shirted by Nick Saban. That's correct. You go somewhere else. You just sit out a year or two.

And then I'm going to make you a winner when you're ready. Wow. In Sabin, Mass, so ESPN is a jukego. That's right. It's like Blinn College, okay? Low admission standards. Somebody's going to take you, Mark May, one day. One day, you'll get off that roster.

Get off that bench. Mark May leads Pitt to a 663 loss to Bama. You took Pitt to the Sun Bowl where they lost. Three, two. Worth it. Worth it. It was so good. I did an incredible job.

Pitts offensive line was extremely prepared for Oregon State on that day. Yeah. I was more stunned in that game, by the way, by the number of plays Cardale Jones made because Cardale Jones played like somebody who didn't have many starts, wasn't really aware that he could be harmed by human hands, and moved forward, in the words of one commenter, as a runaway grocery cart would move down. the field. Yeah, I would describe his athletic ability as something like a dump truck with like an

artillery launcher on the back, which like, you know, here in the state of Texas, you might find someone who would just throw an artillery, an artillery battery because they got a better one for Christmas. I think I saw that at Fuel City. Yeah, you just drive past it all day long. They're recyclable. Yeah, they're made of aluminum, I guess. Put it on Craigslist. Yeah, come on. So you just mount one of those and then, you know, he's unsackable. Alabama should have had him for safetys twice, and he's impossible to tackle. He just sort of goes down when he's sleepy.

I think the other thing that infuriated Alabama fans watching that game, besides losing, right? Because they did lose. They lost. They lost. To a team from the north of the Mason-Dixon line. There were so many moments in that game where you were like, oh, this is the part where Alabama,

the ball bounces in their favor, and they take control. Yeah. And it's like, nope, that didn't happen. No, and instead they lost. Instead, they lost. Yeah, they never quite did that turn that Alabama teams tend to do, right?

It was like watching a failed magic trick, an elaborate one. And the woman is, oh, God. And this ball flying down the field to Amari Cooper will be. Like some old, like, tell. It's on the ground. Oh, God, it's a dead dove.

It's on the ground again. Like some failed telephon magic thing where they're like, let's just go over here to Rita Coolidge singing, we'll come back to the amazing Kreskin. Yeah, yeah. We're going to give and cook. We're going to come back to him.

Technical difficulties. And the woman in the box is dead. Yeah, that's that and the other thing in the game that absolutely shot me. The woman in the box is always dead. That's the joke. People don't get that about magic. So many women die via saw. My favorite point in the game, by the way, was when Ohio State with a lead.

is trying to run out the clock with about a minute and a half left. And Irvin Meyer is so possessed with hatred at that point that he decides to throw deep. Who's quitting now? Who made you quit? The first question he got in his... You eat the pizza this time, Nick. And his title game presser was, you know, why'd you do that? And he said, yeah, that was my call.

Just thought we could, you know... And then it didn't work, so we knew he had to run out of the clock. But yeah, he was going for the damn throat. Of course, Alabama lost anyway. So that's funny. Who is their offensive coordinator this year? Alabama? Yeah.

Did they have one? They did. They did. I know I saw a lot of photos of a guy of Nick Saban's friend that he kept being mad at. It's Cortana on a Windows phone. No, no. It is not. Nick Saban is not Master Chief.

He does not meet the high requirement. The armor. They have to put eye holes in the chest. Or stilts? All they can do is. because he can't reach the guns. Have you ever wanted to play Halo two feet lower in perspective? Talk about hey, lower.

It's just like playing as odd job in Golden Night. I fucking hate when people sick saving him. How does he always find the body armor first? Are you saying he's more toe jam than Earl? High wise. Yeah. Yeah, and Alabama lost is the thing. To answer your original question, that would be Lane Kiffin, offensive coordinator.

I forgot about that for about 10 games. And then you remembered in the fourth quarter of the Sugar Bowl. That's right. Oh, yeah. Because remember, they were pitiful on the road. Like, road-wise, they were not a good offense away from. Column Hawks. Yeah.

They were good at home, and they were quite a bit less good on the road. And, you know, the sugar ball is, to be fair, it's not Tuscalo. How many carries? How many carries did human tractor, El Tractor Cito? Jackter Cito. Yeah. Yeah. How many carries did L. Tractor Cito get in the title game, Ryan Nanny? Less than 20.

Bold choice. Jason, how many carries did he get? I believe it was 17. God. 17. Now, I believe I have the answer in my head. 13? I am 13.

Really 13? We're phoning a friend. Dan Rubinstein is telling us it's 13. But, yes. He's smarter than we are. for our podcast than we are. The goddamn solid verbal. Look, you solid verbal.

Our parents love us too. These guys are really good at this shit, man. What, man? You ain't got this flow. I know this one. I know this one. How many more yards per attempt did Derek Henry average on the ground than Blake Sims through the air?

The answer is a full yard-ish. I didn't actually know that answer. Derek Henry did have 13 carries since Dan of the professional podcast. The man's podcast, the corporate podcast. I would say it's a podcast for all genders and gender identifications. I think he's putting them as the Vince McMahon podcast. We're the Stone Cold. We are.

Yeah, that's it. Because remember Vince wins because he could fire you. Oh, yeah, that's right. Yes, he had 13 carries for 95. Just 13 carries, okay? Blake Sims had 10. And by the way, Derek Henry averaged 7.3 yards on that carry. And what was the yards per throw?

The yards per throw for Blake Sims would be 6.6. Yeah, I came pretty close. So they threw the ball 36 times and ran the ball 34 times, which in Alabama is blasphemy. Yeah, basically, against the law, against rules. I think they called more pass plays than that because he got sacked like four or five times. Yes, he did. Yes, he did. Yeah. Yeah, so that's our point.

Let's see how long the Lane Kiffin experiment lasted to next season. He's holding on for that Vanderbilt job. Come on, open up Vanderbilt job. I'm just excited about the gifts. You thought the Saving Kiffin Gifts were good this year? Just my God, wait till next year. Saban's going to be on his ass. I told Holly Anderson, we should put the audio clip from Home Alone of Uncle Frank saying,

look what you did, you little jerk in all of those clips. Oh, yeah. You know, Saman's not sleeping this season. Like, that's not... Not next to Fuller. That's off the table. No, no. After all that Pepsi.

The thing I would like to do now is I would like to go ahead and address our Twitter questions, which are great. We have had a fairly good one. Here, I'm going to open with mine because it addresses my favorite event of bull season thus far. Even better than the 39 point win over the Florida State Seminoles by the, Oregon Ducks. Go Ducks. Is this question from Ryan Carroll, who goes by the bulky. I'll admit this is an awkward twiddle handle at CM Silver Atlas, all caps.

Now that Memphis and BYU have fought each other, next two programs you'd like to see fight each other. My answer, after 20 seconds of research, would be watching the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, who play Clemson next year. Yeah. Yeah. Because you have two kind of churchy schools. Admittedly, churchy in very different ways. In very different ways. Yeah.

And from very different parts of the country, fighting each other. Catholics versus Baptist. What sets off that fight? What sets off that fight? Oh, easy. This is when Malik Zaire, because remember, Brian Kelly's offensive system includes no hot reads. None. So if the quarterback's in trouble, he just has to, quote, make it work.

quote. He can't throw a slant so his running back gets killed, right? What an awesome boss. And is Brent Venable's good against that sort of thing? Yeah. No. Sort of. I'd say yes. Yeah, you think?

Okay. Well, if you're looking for things to stir up a fight, one would be quarterback getting hit. Okay. I think that can happen. Yeah, and Brett Fenndivus is definitely into the course. So Malik Zaire goes close to the sidelines. He gets like blindsided by three dudes, okay? Remember, it's at Clemson, so the refs won't call anything.

They're not going to call. a single thing. Malik Zaire gets thrown like into the stands basically. Yeah, like NFL Blitz. Yeah, they're going to boot him into the stands and then Davo's going to get in the fight. That's what this all adds up to. Yeah, that's the best part is dabbo runs in. Yeah, oh, yeah, he's sprinting it. Now's my time.

Yeah, so that's, I want to see Notre Dame fight Clemson, particularly because I'm pretty sure a fan or two is going to get involved. Oh, or a thousand. Yeah, Jason, your answer. Well, I do appreciate that, you know, the question starts with Memphis, BYU, which happened in the Miami Beach Bowl, because that would probably be the unanimous number one that we'd like to see. And we got to see in real life because the Lord provides. Mine is, LSU travels to Syracuse next year? What?

That's happening in real life. Why? LSU agreed. You want to bump up from silver to gold? LSU is growing to Syracuse because Les Miles is an adventurous fellow. he has yet to visit upstate New York. Do you think he thought it was ancient Syracuse? Yeah, oh no, he thought it was ancient Syracuse.

He might have thought it was like Sarah's case, an exotic town. I'm going to fight the Oracle. It might have just been presented to him as like, you know, maybe Syracuse, you know, with an excellent journalism school, maybe they just figured out of put it in less as terms. We can offer you a quality competition. He just saw those two words and said, yes, yes, I appreciate quality competition. It's the carrier dome, and we run the ball a lot. carrying, so we're ready.

I've always wanted to play a color. Then I own that color. It's like Mega Man. I mean, orange, it's challenging. It's a color with chest. It's a bright color. It's a color that's hard to ignore. It pairs well with green.

You put it on a, you put it on a plate full of grass. It sounds delicious. The sun's orange, so it's like I'm calling out the sun. You know, I always appreciate the stories of the Pirates of Old because they ate lots of citrus foods, which. help to award the body of the diseases of your... I'm taking my team to Uptown... You're veering Cosby now.

I'm taking my team to Uptown, New York, to avoid scurvy. That's... Yeah, that's the goal. That's probably actually the most plausible. I mean, when you're by the Gulf of Mexico, you have to be aware of the things that, uh, the afflictions that plagued pirates. So you go to that game now. Gosh, I know you're...

I'm so stupid. Too bad. You're just going to that... So stupid. Go to that game, asshole. Sorry, Caitlin. You're going to Syracuse. in September.

Woo. It's the summer town of upstate New York. It's a scorching 50 degrees. Yeah. So, Ryan, your answer on teams you would like to see fight. Kansas State, Baylor. Kansas State obviously had an interesting end to their loss against UCLA in their bowl game. Baylor, I think Art Bryles will still be so incensed by what happened this playoff season that it will boil over somewhere unnecessarily.

maybe it's at home maybe it's in public maybe it's just while he's sleeping but i think i hope it will be against can i remind you sean oakman will be a part of this shot oman will be a part of this oh the memes and every time you get that question about like oh would you rather fight like a hundred chickens or a hundred sean hockman right right this is this is bring the chickens we're going to find out yeah john i want up the chicken truck i want shone i want you to go out there hundred chicken size horses or one sean I want you to go out there And I want you to punch Bill Snyder in the dick Just do it

I couldn't even reach Bill Snyder's dick I want you to wheel up And he just punch that old dusty dick Sean Oak would have to like lay down To reach Bill Slandishishish Coach I tried He just vanished Into the mist

He just turns into bats The ultimate battle Vampire Man the Big 12 is goth as fuck Kansas State does play a lot of night games We named Vampire Family Stadium Or he's just like that guy in Hellboy, you just punch him, sand comes out and he rewinds himself.

Dracula's Castle is basically Dracula Family Stadium. Wolfenstein 8th starring Phil Snyder. Versus Sean Oatman. You go out there and you punch a old student dick. You saw what he did. I didn't approve of it, so I punched him in the dick. I knocked the head right off that Toadstool. Sherry's old, but so is the state of Texas.

Your question, Jason. Oh, this comes to us from Patrick Bozeman at Twitter.com. What is the college football equivalent of the freemium app game of war, which I assume is the one with Kate Upton, the shitty little browser game, the little little SimCity war game where you get to unlock dwarves and all that shit, that they paid Kate Upton a lot of money, even though there's no way she's possibly in the game. If it's not that game, then great.

Apologies. Yeah, sorry to slam you by associating you with the famous beautiful. woman um uh i have no idea what this question means so i'm going to open it up to the floor so i think what this question means is this is which what college football team lures you in with like hey it's free and fun and then slowly saps all your money out of you florida in that case i think it's the florida gators don't you don't you want to upgrade your tickets well is this one then Notre Dame because how many coaches in the plan now, Tyne? Notre Dame never pitches

itself as, hey, it's free. Anybody can do it. No, no, no, no. You know what's actually more of this? Michigan. Michigan last year. They just fired the guy who did this, but Michigan is totally the like, it's going to be free in the mill. If they had kept him around me, he would have made Michigan into an app. We got to pay Jim Harbaugh now. So it's, the price of the bricks

gone up. Exactly. Yeah, the brick the brick, the brick dawn gone sky high. You can also make a case for UCLA being this premium app because everybody will try it for a couple weeks and then you're like nah i'm just deleting that off my phone it wasn't that fun it was buggy as hell and the notifications every week every notification oh jim more let me sleep it's a good one ryan your question uh this question comes from danny will at danny will says his question which sp nation employee in texas would last the longest on a mechanical bull okay now this is

this is a bit of an obscure answer but I have an instant one because he's in the next room and we have an SB Nation employee named Robbie Langvin who is uh works on our video side he's built like a ferret he's wiry has very little regard for his body very little regard for his body uh he can drink like 500 beers so mad because he can't talk right he can't talk because he's on this podcast yeah that's Robbie and Robbie I think would last longest on a bowl because he's built like a bull rider he's the one He's actually built like a bull rider. He's wiry.

He has the least potential energy, right, to come off of the bull. Okay, the rest of us are bigger, especially at the end of the season. Yeah. Right. We're probably at least 10 to 15 pounds over fighting weight, all of us. I think Robbie is probably the person who stays on the bull longest. I also credit his moron strength. I would go with, who's not here right now, but was our video producer, Adam Sigliano.

Adam has a two, three-year-old son. Do you want me to ride the fucking bull? Yeah. You're a way to hop on a fucking animal. Yes. Yeah. I think he would have an in, he wouldn't understand what to be afraid of because he's from Queens. It's a fucking animal.

Right. So he would feel like he had to dominate it to represent New York, A. And B, I just, he worked on the and one tour. He's seen shit way worse and more technically devastating than a mechanical bull. One time I was in Tijuana with hot sauce and this is this crazy thing. There was some oxy and, you know, federale had to come in

and I had to bail everybody out you know that's crazy almost as crazy at the time I took Ben Gordon in Istanbul

oh yeah it was fucking nuts I had to keep me out of jail I had to pull half man half amazing out of a garbage compact

I was hanging out of the university Kentucky there's a stripper who she goes by the bull

she wasn't that tough so Adam I think by those dudes from queen of a fucking every now

those dudes from Queens make way better cowboys and rednecks like I've taken this dude from

like sat in island hunting before right like bow hunting which I suck at. I'm a terrible bow hunter and this dude was like

natural born killer like probably based off of years of playing like paper football right like developing the hand eye coordination I'm not going to put money on him but I'm going to go with Godfrey Oh man he's way too floppy He's like that thing at the car dealership

Godfrey is huge So I just I just want to see all Oh you would be fun to watch It just wouldn't work Not out of any animosity He'll be fine Jason's the sadist and just wants to watch someone flop. That's healthy.

Well, we'll make a vine of it. We'll call him FSU. He'll represent the Florida State Seminoles and the Rose Bowl. He lost to the Bulls by 39 points. 39 points. No, he'll do fine. He was in there for a bit. He's lived in Tennessee for a long time.

He'll do fine. Go Titans. Oh, we're back on NFL. Shit. We're going to get off NFL because we do want to actually discuss a title game, a modicum of discussion on the title game. I will admit, I have no idea based on common competition, an overall depth chart experience and how the playoff is gone thus far in the first round

how this game will turn out it is so hard and i think the x factor in all of this by the way the given factor is that we know that oregon's really good we know that or what organ does we know what their assets are we know how they're going to perform under a significant stretch of time because marriote has been the starter for so long and because we've seen such consistent performance from them as opposed to ohio state who has been consistent this year but under three different quarterbacks, both Braxton Miller, who got injured, who yielded to J.T. Barrett, who performed brilliantly, who was then injured and then yielded to Cardale Jones, who has been awesome thus far. So I'm not really sure how both teams match up. I just suspect this will not be a low-scoring game.

Yeah, anybody who has a super definitive take on how Cardell Jones is going to play in this game is a person who is just confident about their opinions. We have no idea. I mean, we've seen two games of evidence and granted they've been impressive games against really good defenses but uh you know it's it's a it's a giant x factor you know Oregon's good Ohio State's good but if we have you know any sort of assertive stance on Cardell Jones is going to handle this game in this way well you're probably wrong that said the Florida the Florida state offense just got pretty well shut down by Oregon and granted they've been up and down But they still have a ton of great playmakers.

James Winston, even though he hasn't played as well this year as he did last year, is still one of the best quarterbacks, and they made him look like a fool. And I feel like they can do that. No, he looked foolish. He did look like a damn fool. They should be able to do that. To Cardale Jones. What's the last time you remember a quarterback in the national championship that people,

playing in the national championship, that people were not sure if he was good or not? Well, sorry, Ty, but it was two short years ago. Yeah, it would be two years ago. It turned out pretty poorly. It turned out very, very badly. I feel like there are a few factors in this game that I know are going to happen. And one of them is weird that Oregon, for all of the, like, Death Star terminology, we hang on them for the, like, wave over the future, that you can really bank on them running the ball with Tyner, all right, whose ass and thighs are a national football treasure.

like that's how a running back should look right like he is this gigantic stocky battering ram of a quarterback and that they're going to be able to run the fly girl he is a he he is going to be able to dance his way in feature through the middle of the defense and that they're going to be able to gain yards in the ground and they're going to play pretty good defense it feels weird but you're able to look at oregon and say i can bank on some really traditional assets in terms of how they're going to perform and superstitionally there's two things i know that ohio state are that has to happen. Cardale Jones has to make mistakes. I think Oregon will be able to pressure him and Cardell Jones, who has not made mistakes thus far, you can just say, yeah, he's probably

going to make a few. And whether Ohio State's going to survive those is crucial to how this game turns out. Additionally, it's Urban Meyer. He's a former special teams coach. And every big game at Florida and Ryan and I watched every single Florida game that Urban Meyer ever coached, there were fake punts and there were fake field calls. And so if Ohio State gets in trouble watch for them to attempt to flip the script by faking a pun at one point it's usually the fake punt that's urban's thing is to size it up and call a fake punt which he will call from anywhere on the field which could be glorious it could just be total disaster what keep in mind oregon is the gimmick program here yeah that's with their fancy uniforms and their shotgun

formations i love that i love that we're in the organ's a gimmick program running the option yeah Like Oklahoma in the 1960s. Running zone. How exotic is it to run inside zone? Yeah, I mean, to me, it's a game that there's going to be a lot of points. They're all going to be hard earned. It's not, I don't, it's hard to imagine a blowout short of just, you know, Cardale short circuiting, which I don't really expect that.

I think he'll play a decent game. The one way in which Cardale may be a red herring in this altogether is that Ohio state just loves to run the ball. And they'll do it with him as well. And Ezekiel Elliott's been superb. But they run the ball 45 times a game. So they are intentionally not going to put this game. You saw even in the Alabama game, when they went down,

they didn't panic and say, we have to throw our way back into the game. Nope. They said, if there's enough time, let's just stick to the script and do what we do well. Let's not try to be something we're not. So I think it will actually be more about Ezekiel Elliott, who has looked phenomenal in his last two games. If he can get going and keep, you know,

keep those long drives going, flip field position as much as possible in favor of Ohio State, that's where I think they have the best chance. Yeah, Don Pelham, the defensive coordinator for Oregon, has all but hinted this week in pregame talks that yardage is a lie. The yardage in this game, whatever it is,

is not going to have any real bearing in terms of, at least narrow margins on how the game pants house. that this is going to be a matter of turnovers and it's going to be a matter of turning sevens into threes right if you can just get ohio state to kick field goals or going to go out there and get sevens that's their goal and that's why i feel pretty confident about oregon because i just trust marriota to do that right it's a healthy marriota and there's only been one team that's really had his number and frankly has had him in really bad situations and or injured situations when they lost to them and the last time they played Arizona and organ did not go

the way that it had gone previously so yeah i mean the the idea that anybody has shut down mariotta that's nobody has not even with an injured leg NFL scouts not under any sort of actual fair circumstances or in any definitive way or any you know if they play 10 times this team wins seven times out of 10 way um so what's the play then are you if you're ohio state are you saying we're going to keep pressure we're going to keep sending extra guys and try to get him because you know I think we've said it before. It's not like getting him out of the pocket makes him a less dangerous passer. Yeah, but then there's, you know, if you have him on the run, at least there's a chance that he's taking hits.

Right. And you're cutting off parts of the field. Yeah. I guess that's the way to go. If nothing else, you're creating at least some sort of a chance for a mistake. You know, if you let him sit back, you're... Oh, you did. Yeah.

Yeah. There's also the small matter that neither of us, none of us have tickets. We have no credentials. We have no tickets to get into the game. SP Nation. Yes, we have. We do have a credential person. I do want somebody listening to this to notice that we have. We have Stephen Godfrey who brought neckties. We always credentialed the tallest person. We brought three neckties to the state of Texas. Yes. So he did bring necktiles. None of them were bolos.

Yeah. But none of us are credentialed. So at least one of us will be trying to get into the game. When Sean Bradley gets a job with us, Godfrey is out. Credentialal. When old and polonies, when we hire old and pollinies. That's not you, Roger. Yeah, because Roger already owns. We already have an employee who owns Olden Polyneses warmups and bought them because he's not sane. You know, John Concat can write. Yeah, John. We're going to get Kyle. We'll get Kyle Corver's trash ass off the court.

Listen, bitter Grizzlies fan, just mad about the number one team. Bitter Grizzlies fan about a regular season. The big bad Western conference losing to the Eastern Conference, it'll be okay. It'll be okay. But yeah, we don't have tickets. Yeah, we don't have tickets. So I'm trying to set a price to get into the game. I think I'm going to be able to get into the game for $150.

Can I ask, are you using the full cast as a means of seeing if you can get these tickets? I think if anyone's listened this far, then maybe they want Spencer to go with them. This is not a subtle advertisement. If you will sell me a ticket for $150 so I can go into Jerry Jones' gigantic masturbatory testicle, inside of which he lets young men contest the game of football for his pleasure. Please, hit me up at Spencer at SBNation.com. I mean, most testicles are masturbatory. I don't think that's a Jerry's are super masturbatory

You're in the state of Texas You're in Arlington, Texas, son Here in the state of Texas testicles masturbate themselves I'm going to put my nuts right on the Walmart As the Bible commands As the Lord decreed Thank you.